nibirublog

[nibirublog]

Please don’t trigger anxiety

Today I woke up late at 5:00 pm from a loud bang. Which was made by my dad who worked on the bathtub. I came down to the kitchen and one of the first things I saw was 2 full beer cans and my mom who said that my relative called and he wanted to give me a work and help me. I said NO instantly and grabbed the beer, came back upstairs and snuggled in my bed. I know it's not good to drink beer when you have an empty stomach. But I drank it and wanted more.

I felt horrible when I woke up so late. I just wanted to take the pain away physically and mentally.

I just don't like that relative. I know how he treats people and speaks to them because I had a close relationship with his daughter. I just don't wanna be around him. Maybe he has been seeing a therapist and has changed a bit but I truly doubt that.

But the real thing is that I don't want to see his daughter. She is my 3rd cousin and I loved her. She was funny, smart, humble, quirky and beautiful. But I was starting to have sexual feelings for her. And in summer 2018 I said that I have feelings for her. It was hard to say but It was a relieving moment. She was shocked and tried to explane to me why we could not be a couple.

After I told it to her she started ignoring me. She blocked me everywhere so I could not contact her. I was sad and disapointed at myself, life and reality more than to her as a person. Anxiety was severe Sometimes I just wanted to jump outside of the 5th-floor window or of the bridge. I hated myself. I started smoking because it felt good and I got a buzz from it but then anxiety grew. I was so sad and everywhere I did go I saw her eventhough it's a totally diffrent person. She is like a siluet which follows me everywhere. My anxiety grew and my days were fucked. So that's why I don't want to see her.

I will only meet her when my mind doesn't trigger anxiety when I see her.

#ralative #flower #her #beer #anxiety #doubt #bang #love #bed #reality

[nibirublog]

My father is a grumpy narcissist, he has a big ego. One time infront of guests and good friends he said to my sister “what even have you reached in your life my darling.” At the time she was fucking 25 years old. And he was sober. That's the good part, (“he might be lying”) because drunks always says the truth, RIGHT!? What is a father who only roasts children and give standards how to live when even his life is fucked up. His daily rutine is eat, sleep, fuck and do work at weekends. No wonder I don't listen to him. His life got no progress, I would even say it's a regress. And my mom she is the only one I trully loved in my family till I knew she was unfaithful to my father and I grew smarter and understood that my mom is dumb commander with her own problems. She doesn't like to lose and thinks that she is always right about everything, even though she works most of her life in the gas station as an attendant. She hates me, I see it in her face. So fuck my parents. I will never change for them. I will only change for myself.

#parents #kids #love #hate #fuck #them #narcissist #family #sister #mom #dad #father #mother #commander