someone-elses-kernel-panic-blog
imaginary person
hey, we I mean I am doing something that will- shh they don't need to know.
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Day 12 - 26.04.2017
18:00
Wanna know what I am thinking right now? I should stop dwell on my relation with her. That’s what I am thinking,why would I worry about how’s her relations with other people? Everyone is different than each other, although I can’t say I am unique I still think I might can have some special place?, I mean, I am sure she had billions of friends just like me. She once said something like this, she has said that she once had a best friend just like me. She was gonna tell me about him but she always forgets to tell, anyways main idea of this paragraph is I wanna stop worrying and wondering about what’s my.. significance? place? because after something she said to me I realized something.. but I will still think I am unneeded and annoying person.
23:32
Day is almost over, I prepared the gifts, anyways. Good night.
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bacchus and ariadne
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Day 11 - 25.04.2017
19:38
Hey.. hey now… I am embroiled as hell right now and I am cold, really cold.. I guess ugh I’m feeling like a creep, I don’t wanna pry into people’s personal life and so on. I really really don’t wanna look like I am in unrequited love. I just give so much value to some people, and I am really scared that these people gonna misunderstand me. Anyways I am embroiled and really cold because I think she isn’t fine right now? I don’t know anything actually she only said she needs to rest her head because she feels confused. But her voice was kinda sorrowful, and you know me, when it comes to thoughts I always think worst things.. So I don’t wanna be apprehensive about her. But I wish I could know what she has been trough so.. I don’t know, when I can’t even help myself to not worry about unnecessary things, how can I help her? At least I would try my best, uhh I guess that will come too, in the future, until then all I can do is being tactful. Hopefully there isn't anything vexing had been happened.
20:38
Whom do you think she is talking to? Doesn’t matter, as long as she is fine, I’ll be better too. Hopefully.
21:18
I want to help her, how can I help her? I should help her, I need to help her.
21:28
She isn’t fine at all. god please let me help her, like even if she let me help her, I would still be useless. Please what it could be which makes her sad and angry so much? I have few ideas but I don't wanna say empty words. God please can I be more useful for her?
21:53
I am not gonna remind her tomorrow, like, I want to help her but I don’t wanna make her live all she has been trough again which I don’t know what she has been trough right now. I don’t want to talkbecause probably I will say empty words but I also don’t wanna look like I’m ignoring her. I am not even sure about can I be helpful or not? But I also want to be helpful.. I’m really not a good friend.
22:14
I am thinking fuck tons of things that I might start writing in turkish, also she said I should write these in turkish. What should I do? I don’t like telling my secrets in turkish because people which I don’t like can understand then. I would feel like I’m naked. But I can write turkish because I kinda write these to show her. İf she’s not gonna read these, why the fuck I am writing these?
22:22
Stupid cunt how can someone be this stupid I mean him, I.. I hate these kind of people, how she manage to find this kind of person? There are millions of boys, why we are so unlucky? I am angry as fuck too
22:28
I’m looking their messages from the screen shots which she sent to me and I am like; how can you be this stupid? Don’t you value her? Did you ever value her? Gosh you are so much stupid that I am speechless like I want to write in turkish right now I am that angry. He drops a brick over and over, gosh he either ignorant and stupid as fuck or he is one big bastard. Whatever, she said I shouldn’t be angry because one of us must stay calm. God, do you think I am useful?
22:47
Today… fuck today.
22:52
Like fuck me, should I really supposed to be right? Yesterday in 01.47 p.m. I wrote my thoughts about him, and now we realized that every one of them is real. Why I didn’t turn out to be in the wrong? I am always harmful, I am not helpful.
23:51
The day is almost over, she went to sleep and I don’t know about him, I don’t like him anymore. he made so much stupid things how can I embrace him now? But forgetting someone you love isn’t easy what so ever.. I hope I can be useful for her in this time period, no, always.
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Ford Madox Brown, Pretty Baa-Lambs detail, ca. 1851-9
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there's no earthly way of knowing which direction we are going.
Willy Wonka
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Flowers always make people better, happier and more helpful. They are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
Luthor Burbank
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Day 10 - 24.04.2017
01.24
Okay, I was gonna sleep but weather is rainy & windy at outside so I couldn't just slept. therefore I thought somethings. Now, I need to say that I don't like hating people just because of their personalities and behaviors, as long as they are up to good I have no problem with them. I didn't met anybody who is malicious to everyone. Anyways that's been said, I also felt the need to tell that I wanna be a person who she can talk about everything.. It just came to my mind suddenly I don't know why. Fuck also I hate being awkward, I hope this wont happen while we are together, never. I meant awkward silence by the way. God please, let this saturday be the best saturday we ever lived. Amen.
01.47
people who are popular and interested by lots of people think themselves are important, they neither respect nor value the people around them which they deserve. the importance of the people around them faded away from their minds because they were too confident about themselves, they had become blind because of all unnecessary people around them. alongside of him being masculine, perhaps I also might found him repellent because he looks sassy and popular too, but I must be wrong, because otherway she wouldn't talk with him or feel somethings about him. and he might be mistaken about thinking that he can find someone in anytime he wants. because of this event I thought all this, I hope I will be mistaken about him. good night.
12.36
I started to translate things which I wrote at night,because they were turkish when I first wrote them. also today was kinda bad because I had lots of ＂awkward silence＂ moments, I am scared..
18:15
But I feel better now, I don’t need to worry about anything I should keep saying this to myself. I am preparing a present for Saturday to give them. I’m really hoping that Saturday can be like how we want it to be. She said she was really thankful for the help, I can help whenever she needs help even if she doesn’t want me to help her, as long as we are close friends, actually no. I would help her even after our friendship has ended, but the god knows that, that’s the last think I would want to live. Also Iam thinking about showing this tumblr to my teacher, I am not sure, should I show or not but anyways. That’s all I can write right now.
19:06
We constantly saying same things to each other in the same time and thinking same things unintentionally, you know what they say; “great minds think alike”.
21:14
Stupid me, that event about him wasn’t really anything serious but I made it like it was a huge problem. I always do that, it doesn’t matter if it’s about me or someone else, I turn every single thing into a problem, I always make a big deal out of every single fucking thing, dear reader, if there is even a reader, I don’t think no one ever gonna read these, maybe even she’s not gonna read these and perhaps that’s how it should be. Anyways, don’t get everything I wrote in this texts seriously, I’m feeling like I said this before but who cares I will say it again, everything which are written here is all my thoughts, they can be false, or true. They can be false to you but in that particular time they were true to me. And there are some parts in these texts which is always true. True to everyone. And these parts mostly about my feelings. My nose is bleeding. I need to go.
23:19
Actually It’s fine to me, she can be as selfish as she want to be, I didn’t want it to look like she is same with the others for me, I mean she has different place for me she isn’t like.. It’s really hard to tell when It’s not possible to use people’s name.. anyways. I can say finish for today. I hope she reads these. The day is over.
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Thomas Lawrence. Miss Murray, 1826 (detail).
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Day 9 - 23.04.2017
21:38
I am tired so I’m not gonna write too long. The guy whom she likes has said to her some foolish things, I don’t understand how can someone be that stupid? Double stupid.. anyways even though this event made me doubt about him I am still hoping that their relationship wont break down. ‘cause I mean, a few days ago he made her happy, indirectly I become happy too, so I wont want anything bad to happen, I hape that fool will realize to whom he is talking stupidly, and watches his steps. Meanwhile she is ignoring me right now.. uhh Good gracious! When you gonna learn that she have things to do and she has a personal life? What the heck you are talking? I just said she is ignoring me, I didn’t say she didn’t reply me for 5 seconds.. I said this ‘cause of her last seen. Whatever like i said I am not gonna write too long, yeah thats my “short” text.
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Beethoven : 7th Symphony, 2nd Movement
David Helbock - solo piano
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Day 8 - 22.04.2017
17:22
from now on I will write these just when I am confused or super happy, today is going well for now and I don't have any worries, so there is nothing I can write right now, and I don't wanna give details about why today is going well. anyways, ttyl.
20:03
I was hearing notification sounds from my phone but any of it were real.. and even though it was meant to be joke, being blocked by her is really bloodcurdling. just the thought of it is making my heartbeat accelerate. But she did blocked me, I was born in loneliness, molded by it. I didn't see anyone until I already lost my hope, by then it was nothing but standoffish me. the thing is I am used to being alone and being blocked by people or getting ignored by them yet I am still suffering.. I'm sure that you are thinking right now that "it was just a joke" and I know, but I care too much about.. I don't really know, I can't say about what.. uhh all I can think right now is I wouldn't block her even if it was just a joke, I could not do that. because I am living too much things in the middle of a void and I don't really have anyone to talk. so.. I am thinking that she did this because she is ready to block me whenever she wants. so yeah, you were right, she doesn't need me like i do. but.. ugh I am the one who really wants to die. what would happen if I could just die now..
20:49
FUNNY ISN'T IT? GOD WHY I AM MAKING MYSELF SAD SO MUCH?
I HATE MYSELF MAYBE THATS THE REASON.
I AM TAKING EVERY FUCKING STUPID THING SERIOUSLY.
I SHOULD HAD STAYED ALONE. the concept of friendship is too harsh for me.
20:56
she unblocked me, but I am not gonna do what she wanted from me, I like how she wants me to do my homework but even though I am too fragile, I am still stubborn too. I wouldn't just obey her, especially when she is threating me with blocking or deleting. yes these are the things which are really scaring me the most, doesn't matter if they are meant to be joke or not, but still my stubbornness predominates.
21:21
this only gave me a reason to smoke and listen death metal.
for whom I making myself miserable?
for whom I am fretful about?
for what? why? for what purposes?
22:23
and now she sent a snap, from hospital.. I just love how universe is fucking with us.
23:59
But the day was over, she is sleeping I guess and thats nice, I hope she will be better soon
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William Clarke Wontner. Detail.
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Day 7 - 21.04.2017
it was full of emotions, so I couldn’t find the time to write anything.
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