#Also he's a self-sacrificial idiot (affectionately)

[justsigma-bsd]

A Blank Page, Torn From A Book Without Name

Well, I ended up trying to put the word salad in my head into actual, coherent words after all.

First of all, everything here is just my take on things. The theories and thoughts I've had on certain things. I don't think any of it is official, but if anything of it is, in fact, confirmed to be true or false, feel free to tell me!

Some of the panels were taken from a YouTube video, which I'll link at the bottom!

TW for: Human trafficking, dehumanization

Ok, so first things first, some of this stuff I've already written down a while back for writing reasons. I found some of my old notes, and noticed that, after rereading the panels, they make more sense than I previously thought.

Let's start here: what stands out the most to me isn't that he's in the desert, not even the ticket. No, it's the simple »[...] or even who I was«

Because who, indeed, is Sigma? Sigma does not have an identity. He has no history, no nothing. Just the clothes on his back, a ticket that seems to be useless and earrings, for some reason.

Without a name, you don't have an identity and without identity you don't have a name.

Then there is this, too:

»I gave myself a name. Sigma. A man of the casino«

I don't believe he had a name upon being created. I don't think he had one for a long time, because in the same panel that he mentions giving himself a name, he also mentions the casino- which came much, much later. Sigma existed for three years by the time the series started. However, the timeline is wonky as heck.

Because how long did he stay with the traffickers? How long was he on his own after escaping? How long ago did Fyodor find him? Questions upon questions, but since I've already mentioned the lack of a name and the traffickers, let's get to my thoughts on that, specifically:

»They captured and enslaved me« along with »And once they knew that I had a skill [...]« makes me wonder: how long did it take for them to find out?

I haven't researched anything about human trafficking, but it's basically slavery, from what I've gathered through the previous things I've heard and read. And he does say so himself, too.

Sigma, three days alive, spent his early life a slave. It's confirmed that he was shackled, seeing that he is wearing them in the panels.

(As a side note, I do believe that he has scars from the shackles around his wrist. He wears a tight, wrist-long turtleneck beneath his coat, and I think it's to hide the scars. Both from others and himself.)

His first human interaction was plain horrible. Did he know and understand that? Did he understand that this wasn't normal? I don't think he knew how wrong this was at first. I don't believe that he understood it immediately. If he didn't know who he was, why would he know that being treated like this is wrong?

I believe that he realized it at some point, but not as soon as it started. I think he lived like that for a while, thinking it was normal, before getting some sort of wake-up call. Perhaps through his ability, or a fellow prisoner. Maybe both, or neither.

He must've gotten whiplash, once people genuinely looked up to him when he was the manager at Sky Casino.

I also think that he, probably, does tend to forget that being treated like that is, in fact, not normal or okay. Our upbringing leaves some sort of mark on all of us, experiences define us, give us habits and a feeling of what's normal and what isn't.

Which means that his "normal" is skewed and he expects being used rather than kindness, probably even after learning that some people are genuinely kind. I'm guessing that his mindset is, due to that, a simple "If I'm alive I'm alright".

I don't think he'd complain about being treated wrong and or left behind, or admit when he's injured. Or at the very least attempt to keep it a secret as long as possible- especially from those he sees as authority figures.

However, I also think that he was isolated, as per this panel:

Not only the text, but also the background paint a picture that causes me to believe that.

I almost skimmed past this panel while making my analysis, before pausing and taking a closer look. I thought this was in Sky Casino at first, until I looked closer and realized three things:

1, the background does not match Sky Casino in the slightest

2, he isn't wearing shoes or his current outfit, but the old clothes he had when wandering the desert

3, the shadows aren't from the light of a window, they're bars from a cell

While I did believe before that the traffickers kept him isolated from others (due to wanting to keep him unaware of the wrongness of his situation as well as to make sure he doesn't learn things he should/other prisoners finding out things that Sigma got to know by accident), this sort of put the final nail in the coffin for me.

But, at some point, he did realize that it was wrong. Perhaps he'd had a bad feeling from the start. Maybe he hated being treated like this. Who knows? Point is, he escaped. This brings us back to this page:

»No matter how kind someone seemed, they used me and then tried to kill me for knowing too much«

Sigma, after escaping the traffickers, after escaping the life of a slave, probably still didn't know much about living.

And I firmly believe that Sigma is smarter than even he himself thinks. There's just one issue: Sigma is naive (at least in my eyes), and it's not even his own fault. He simply tried his best to survive, and what was the reason the traffickers kept him around? His ability, most likely.

Problem is that his ability truly is something people would love to exploit, and it seems as if they did. Which makes me believe that he has a talent for running into murderers thinking they're nice people, only to get a not-so-nice surprise.

»The last one to use me [...]«, this specific line is the reason why I believe Sigma to have been used a lot. We don't know how often, exactly, his ability was taken advantage of. But we know the latest person who did.

Fyodor was the last one to use him, which means that, at that point, he was probably used to it. Used to being treated like a pawn, and used to people trying to kill for knowing too much. And I believe that he was, quite plainly, exhausted.

Imagine, your entire life consists of being forced to aid others with crimes, with being shackled. You don't know the difference between working for someone and being used by someone.

If you were offered what you wanted most, wouldn't you accept, too? Even if you know that you're once again being used? I mean... this time around, you gain something for it. Doesn't that make it worth the risk?

It's a gamble Sigma took... and lost.

This page involves two quotes that give me pause:

»Don't you wish for a home?«

We don't know why or how he knows what a home and a family is, but he does. And he wants it. He says it was never within his reach. But it is perfectly clear to us, while reading the Sky Casino Arc, that he wants it. He wants a home and a family.

He'd rather sacrifice his own life than see Sky Casino fall. »Home« and »Family« are, to him, more important than staying alive. Because it's something he never had, and something he clings to. Simply because he doesn't have anything else.

»I, who was originally 'nothing'[...]«

Is the second line that makes me pause. Because like previously mentioned, Sigma was a slave with no name or identity of his own. We don't know when he found out about being created by the book (and I firmly believe that he found out one way or another), but I believe he didn't see himself as a human before, and this "confirmed" it for him.

Think about it, would traffickers care about their victims? Would they treat them as human beings? Call them by their name? What about a person who has no name to begin with?

He wasn't treated like a human being in the beginning, and thus considered himself nothing. Considered his home and "family" to be worth more than hid own life.

He was literally created from nothing. His story doesn't have a beginning. He has no memories prior to being created, he had no name nor identity. How his story will end is unknown. We don't know what's written on his page.

I believe this, combined with being with the traffickers, makes him doubt his humanity. Not only because he was created through the book, but also because for the first (months? Year?) of his life, he wasn't treated like a human.

His sense of self-worth is probably down in the dumps.

»In the end I never did understand what I was born for...«

I don't think he knows the details of his existence. The content of his page, the words that brought him into existence. He doesn't know why he was born/created. He doesn't know what things were predetermined.

He doesn't know what's real and what's just writing on a page.

Sigma, in three years of being alive, went through hell. He was enslaved, his ability was taken advantage of over and over, he was used by multiple people who all ended up trying to kill him and when he thought that he finally found a home? A family? It was taken away from him.

Genuinely, he needs a plate of cookies, a hug and a ton of therapy.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed my little analysis and theories? I never did something like this before, so criticism is welcome!

Here's also the link to the video from which I got the screenshots: https://youtu.be/KwsSvFYAKjA?si=R_IvH-S8GYut_hrG

#sigma bsd #bungo stray dogs sigma #bungou stray dogs #sigma character analysis #sigma's backstory #character analysis #bsd theories #fan theories #ooc post #I had this title floating around but it matched literally none of the os I planned #so I used it for this #I also don't think he knew what hugs were and had to get used to them first #Also he's a self-sacrificial idiot (affectionately) #sigma headcanons #my headcanons

[normal-thoughts-official]

Umm what are your thoughts on Magnus thinking Raphael doesn't need him anymore

Y̴̖̳̏͐̓͝͝͝O̴͉͔̪͙͎͌̋̊̽̚Ü̴̦ ̵̡̧͍̙͎̤̓͜F̵̺̹̼̫̳̻̖̓̈́̎Ơ̵͈̟̘̼̲O̴̤̻̭̻̟̺̖͗̆͌͒͆͊͂L̴̨͚̝̟̙̥͆̏. you absolute idiot. my thoughts on magnus thinking raphael doesn't need him anymore??????????????? C̶̨̛̖̘̜̟̪̱͗̈́̓̑̋͛́̽͛̃̑̈́Ą̵̢̣͕̥͚̩͔̗̤͙̺͝ͅN̷̢̜͇̪͖̫͓̦̟̰͎͈̫͔̹͌̓̏̐̔̊̽͝ͅ'̵̩͇͐̅͌͋̕T̵̡̡̼̰̼̯͇̝̗̼̫̝̺̝͖͑̀̒͛̈͘͜ͅ ̷̧̘̬͕̯̘͇̹̳͔̑̓͜Y̷̨̥̙̻̣̯̦̓̏̏̂̒͐̕Ơ̸̭͔̤̤̮̙͇͙͇͙̩͐̌̂̈́̐̇̌̌̕̚͝U̴̢̡͙͕̖̥̗̔̿̒̓̉̓͌ͅ ̶̺͚̯͙̘̦̻͚͒͒̍͗̌̚͜͠S̶̢͆̉́̋̈́́Ȩ̵̪͚̹͉͉͉̼̱͖̏ͅĘ̶̛̞̣͚̲̳̻̪̤̲͎̳̠̻̎̊̽̀̉̑͝ ̴̧̛̫͖͍̺͙͓͈̹͕͛͊͊̓͋̄͑͗̉͆͠͝T̵̡͍̱͍̙͈̞͍̪̭͌̄͂̎͑͂Ḩ̴̧̫̪͖̫̞̞̀̔̾̿̃͗̋͐̌͊̀̕̚È̴̢̨͓̞̠̲̱̠͉̾̀ ̴̢͇͈̣͙̝̭͔̰͔̫̦̈́̀͘Ṁ̶̡͓̖̭̩̱̗̗̘̯̖̹͖̳̭̙̺͋͐̈Ḭ̷̢̧̢͔̙̪̣̞̣͙̘̑͌̈́̐̾̅̆́̆̑̃͋͒͒̎͠Ş̵̱̘̰͓̫̦̺͚̙̹͚̗͎̭̠͆̀̏͐͋͗̈́T̷̢̡̡̛̪̝̟̻̠̼̦̦̰̦̗͓̣͌̌̐̋͊̐̔͛̕Ą̵͔͉̜̪̦͓̗̤͇͖̘͓̱̰̜̈͒̍̊͂ͅK̵̛͈̜̱͉̜̖͈̈́́̒̀̐͒́̂̔͆̾̏̂͂̕̕E̸̡͓̣̪̮͉̮̻̹̰̒́̾̋ ̴̡̮̝̝͇̫̮̭̞̦̘̙̥̥̗͒̿͝ͅY̷̡̨͙̝̰̗̗̫͛́̕͜͠͝Ō̵̬Ų̶̡̖̗͙̞̲̺͖̣͉̜̿́͒͆́̏̚͠ͅ'̵̮̭̗̙̘̰͍̥̣̪̩̖̦͂̀̋̆̓̉́̅͜R̸̼̤͙̞͚̼̤͆͛͌̄̈́̑͘Ê̸̡̢̩̳̤͙̳̘̲̞̦̳̻̩̔̐̄͐̑̒̿̒̽̈́̌͒̏̚ ̷̛̮̂̈̽̄̇̆̍̄͂̋̒͛͝͝͝M̶̧̢̛͙̮̣͎̮͍̝̪͔͎̘͔̐̊͐̄̃́̄̄͋̆̕͜͝A̵̧̮̙͖͓̭̯̘̪̿͊̌̉̆̄̈́̾̅́͆͋́̾̓͝K̸̘̩̯̼̣͍̠̝͈̤̮̝̻̬̿̈́Ǐ̶͖̹͈̫͙̀͛̀̆͆͊̿͘̕͝Ṋ̸̨̨̗̰͖̳̝͉͑̏̀̀́̂͗͌̽̈G̸̢̰̟̜͎̪̬̞̲͔̘͍̋̆. not only is this one of my favorite angsts ever, nay! you just posted self promo bait!!! i have a whole ass fic about it (link). and you know what the worst part is???? im gonna make a huge ass answer to your question anyway!!!! do you understand how naive you were now??? do you have any idea what you have unleashed?????

ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok. so i think the saddest part about this is magnus' assumption that like... if he isn't useful, he isn't desirable. which we know is 100% how magnus rolls (therapy-needing icon) and would particularly ring true in raphael's case because like... magnus took raphael in when raphael was at his lowest. their relationship was started off by the fact that raphael needed him. and that makes it even harder for magnus to shake that feeling off

like, don't misquote me, it's not raphael's fault and that is not how he sees magnus at all. and i don't think magnus singlehandedly saved raphael or whatever; raphael had to build his own network of ppl and resources to get over his addiction and get back on his feet and build himself back together, as anyone does. no one can carry a burden as big as singlehandedly taking care of any one person, nevermind one in the state rapha was in. but the fact remains: raphael and magnus met when raphael was at his lowest, and they built their relationship because magnus helped him

and magnus knows raphael's got this whole repentance thing going on, he knows that raphael feels like a monster and a burden and like his debt to magnus is unmeasurable. and that makes him second-guess everything about their relationship, imo, because like... raphael probably feels like he has to keep magnus company, he has to do as he says or whatever, because he has a debt

and to some extent it's nice that magnus is like... aware of that imbalance, which is inherent to that situation, but then i think it becomes pretty much... being convinced that raphael doesn't like him and only puts up with him because he has to since he owes magnus

and when magnus "adopted" rapha, magnus was at a particular fragile point. i'm pretty sure rapha was the first person magnus ever let into his life, fully, enough to really know him and his insecurities and his true self, after camille. his other friends - catarina, dot, ragnor, elias - all knew him from before. and we know how after camille magnus locked his heart; yes, he was referring to romantic relationships, but when you are constantly afraid of falling in love with someone in case they will abuse you, you can't fully build platonic relationships either, because there is that wall that is there, a certain level of intimacy that you won't allow yourself

and with that i don't mean that romantic relationships are inherently more intimate or deeper than platonic ones! i mean that to build any sort of intimate relationship, romantic or platonic, you need to be able to allow yourself to be vulnerable, and magnus was obviously not allowing himself that, because he was scared of being vulnerable after it was used so viciously against him the last time he opened up his heart

but magnus is still too caring of a person to leave someone in a state as bad as raphael's - no sire, battling addiction, alone in the streets, probably no knowledge of the shadow world (this is probably where i should add my mandatory disclaimer that i'm not following book canon and i don't care how it went there, i'm talking about the show), no clan, no family, basically no one - alone, so of course he's gonna bring him in for a night and feed him and try to find a way to help him

but then you add to that two facts: 1- magnus is hopelessly affection and touch-starved and desperately needs company; 2- there is not many places raphael can actually go to

so of course magnus lets raphael stay. and it's for his own sake as much as it is for his, because again, magnus is starved, and he is at a point of his recovery where he needs to let people in, even if it's slowly and in a relatively safe situation - like, what can raphael do to hurt him? okay, there's a few things, but still. it's just easier to let yourself be vulnerable when the person you're allowing to see it is someone you've seen equally as or even more vulnerable. especially if they have no connections to people you know, as it is in rapha's case

PLUS, he empathises. i've said it before and i'll say it again, raphael and magnus have so much in common. from background (immigrants, brown, downworlders, one is bi the other is ace which are two groups known for their ties and solidarity with each other, trans if you go by my headcanons which i will because this is my blog and i do what i want) to coping mechanisms (both clearly deal with their problems on their own and try to avoid letting other people help them as much as they can, even if in very different ways - magnus creates a persona so he can be surrounded by people and not let them in too close whereas raphael doesn't let them get close from the get-go), to some of their personal psychological issues (this unbearable responsibility they carry on their shoulders, like everything and everyone is dependant on them and it is on them personally to help everyone they find: see raphael and how involved he got with simon and the way he talked about the other vampires/the clan even before he became clan leader, and magnus and Literally Everyone That Came Into His Path; the feelings of monstrosity they both feel due to their downworlder status and their past; the guilt; the self sacrificial/giving til it hurts tendencies; etc), to a few personality traits (similar sense of humor, both natural leaders, both pretty bold in their own ways; they also have many differences in personality but they are quite compatible/similar in other ways as well).... i could go on. i'm not saying they are Literally The Same Character (that'd be bad writing anyway, and there are notable differences such as raphael being way more recluse than magnus, their different moral codes, etc.) but there is a lot in common, which results in a nice dynamic in which:

they have fun with each other (think "because you're totally unbiased"; that was clearly a tease, neither of them were really upset by it, raphael looked at magnus expectantly like he expected magnus to laugh and magnus just glared at him in a clearly playful way)

they care for each other deeply (think every interaction we got between them or that included them talking about each other to a third person lmao i think this one is undeniable)

they trust each other incredibly (think raphael being tortured and going to magnus before he went to his own clan, then staying at his house, he obviously feels comfortable and safe there more than anywhere else including his own supposed home; and i wish we had gotten to see more of raphael taking care of magnus as well but of course the writers always forgot magnus had friends and family beyond shadowhunters lmao, but still, i think it's undeniable that the trust goes both ways because of the sheer difference in the way magnus treated raphael as opposed to other people who came for his help, including downworlders like simon)

they are openly affectionate with each other in a way they aren't with most people (think them hugging or the way magnus casually touched raphael's face like it was perfectly normal. that is like, the only s3 raphael scene i claim lmao)

hmmm where was i going with this. man i should really get checked for ADHD or whatever

RIGHT they built a nice relationship. which magnus craved!!! he really really needed someone he could be affectionate with, someone he could trust, someone he had fun with! and again, it's not that he didn't have that, but it was the first time he was building a relationship like this again from scratch after camille. plus, i'm sure camille pushed him away from his friends because that's what abusers do, and i'm sure magnus also pushed them away to some extent because again, being vulnerable was hard. but with raphael there was no escaping it. like, he was living at magnus' house

and he needed that! and i think raphael and their relationship had such an important catalyst role in magnus' recovery from camille. not that raphael saved him - again, that's not even possible - but the way their relationship was constructed was essential for magnus to start opening up again. without it i really doubt it would have been possible for him to open up to alec, and i think their relationship and history is extremely overlooked and underrated by the fandom

but like... the fact that he was in such a vulnerable emotional state to begin with, plus the fact that their relationship was kickstarted by the fact that raphael needed him, will obviously lead to him thinking that raphael only puts up with him or whatever because he needs him/feels indebted (because magnus knows at this point that raphael is not the kind to use people, but he also knows that raphael already acts like his mere presence in the world is something he has to make up for it's the catholicism so of course he's gonna feel like he needs to make up for magnus for such a huge gesture. anyone who's not an asshole would, but like, particularly raphael). cue magnus like, probably feeling guilty for getting so attached to raphael because he's an idiot

and like of course raphael feels indebted and grateful but he also does genuinely in fact like magnus (for all the reasons listed above) and also like, he did in fact also need more connections, he had just lost all of his previous ones. but most importantly he does care for magnus and loves him immensely even beyond all that magnus did for him. and he does see magnus as a person and knows about his struggles and vulnerabilities because it's impossible not to when you live/have lived together, and he just... cares and empathises

but also raphael obviously thinks he's a burden to magnus because duh, and i don't think magnus ever really told raphael how much taking raphael in helped him, how much it meant to him and his recovery, how he was doing it for himself as much as he was doing it for rapha, because 1- he's scared of being so open and vulnerable; 2- he's scared of making raphael feel even more guilty; 3- he's stupid and i think part of him assumed it went without saying

like he was always so openly affectionate with raphael (maybe even too much in his eyes, maybe he was scared of being too attached, putting too much on his shoulders, it's not this traumatized kid's job to deal with his issues for fuck's sake) and magnus has always worn his heart in his sleeve and he feels everything so deeply i think he sometimes forgets that it's not actually plain for everyone to see and feel. particularly not non-warlocks, since it's kinda implied that warlocks have some level of sensitivity to each other going on. plus raphael is autistic af so he can't tell what magnus is feeling if magnus doesn't fucking say it, and he has a terminally low self esteem that i assume would be even lower by that point (due to, you know... the general shitshow state his life was in), so of course he doesn't assume he's as important to magnus as magnus is to him, particularly not when he is literally burdening him (in raphael's eyes). so he thinks it's obvious but it's Really Not

so we have like a lot of misunderstanding angst with both of them wanting to get closer but thinking they are imposing on the other and pulling away, and both of them taking the other pulling away as a sign that they aren't comfortable and aaaa

so like i think that rapha would mention moving out so he can get out of magnus' hair, and magnus is all crestfallen because he's so not ready to be alone at home again, but he can't be selfish and hold the kid back just because he has shit he needs to deal with, right? it's not fair

and then like lowkey spiralling afraid that after that he's going to be alone again and raphael won't want to see him anymore, or worse, that he'll force himself to out of pity or guilt, and magnus will just be a chore to him

and raphael feeling like magnus wants to get rid of him and will want him out of his hair and aaaaaaaaaaa

and magnus of course is all put together and excited about it, "yes, my boy, don't worry, i'll help you move" and playfully tilting his head and being all excited and getting into chop-chop mode because as long as he can make himself useful he can avoid thinking about how he's gonna be alone again. and rapha of course taking this as magnus being eager for him to leave

and just doijasiodjasoij they're IDIOTS. i think this would be more or less resolved by raphael because at the very least he has to thank magnus for everything he's done and tell magnus that he means so much to him, that he'll always be thankful. and magnus again is all put together, all "it was nothing, my boy" but rapha pulls him into a hug and suddenly they are Not Letting Each Other Go. like it's tight and maybe they're both shaking a little because Badly Repressed Emotions and they're just. so unwilling to let each other go for what they feel like will be forever because they are sad and dramatic. and raphael even wonders for a second if he's like, super strengthing magnus into the hug by accident, but even when he tries to let go magnus doesn't even notice and is still hugging him tight, so he's like. okay. guess i can stay for a little longer then. and keeps hugging him

and lol i have half a mind to be like "and then raphael ends up staying because neither of them actually wants raphael to leave so what's the point" and actually i think i might be going this route for this particular hc. but of course eventually raphael does leave because you know... kids grow up and all daihdsaioj and i think that they still have some things to resolve, particularly from magnus' side? i think raphael is more in touch with him than the other way around, even if mostly we've seen him coming to magnus for help, but like... that trust is there, you know, and we didn't see a lot of the opposite

i know s3 raphael was fake anyway but like i imagine him finding out that magnus lost his magic and he had no idea or that he lost his home and being like "why didn't you ask for my help?? our help??" because you know all his other friends would have wanted to help him out too, and magnus is just. he doesn't want to be a burden. he feels like if he is, he's going to lose anyone. he needs to be there for them

and it's so much bullshit of course and raphael is pissed - not at magnus, he couldn't be mad at him, but just pissed in general. and he draws magnus in for a hug and tells him that he can always come to raphael, whenever he needs, and raphael will drop everything to help him. the clan is doing okay (especially post-valentine and impending doom and all, you know, they can take care of themselves lmao. like look of course raphael is a very involved leader but you get what i mean, they won't die if he goes help magnus with something) and he has second-in-commands he trusts anyway. and he doesn't want magnus to hide his problems for him and not come for his help and aaa

just.... rapha being like "you think i wouldn't do anything i could for you? anything to make sure you're alright?" and magnus being like "you don't have to" and raphael going, "you didn't have to do it for me either. but you did" "you don't owe me anything" "i do, but this is not about that. magnus, you're my family" and magnus tearing up because it is so immense to him to be someone's family, something he almost can't grasp

and magnus slowly learning that no, raphael doesn't need him, but that's not important because he wants magnus in his life anyway. and they can always rely on each other, no matter what, even if they aren't dependant on each other - and that is a good thing :)

#shadowhunters #sh #raphael santiago #magnus bane #brotp: i'll do whatever it takes to protect them #ask #anonymous #meta #raphael santiago meta #magnus bane meta #q #anti cc #anti tsc #anti tmi #long post

[boykisserbuckley]

tagged by @therogueheart to answer these buddie questions which is cute :))

1. what was your first ever buddie post? 

technically, it was this one which i think is hilarious and also still true. but the first content i ever created for it was i (don’t) wanna get better

2. who was the first buddie blog you followed?

technically it was @maysgrant but i followed her years ago for marvel content, and just randomly started seeing hot firefighters on my dash so i was like...what. but after i actually started watching, i think it was @lardoduans

3. who is your favourite buddie blog?

i’m not gonna @ them all, but it’s the mutuals <3

4. what was the first fic you bookmarked?

a leaf falls on loneliness by iimpossible_things way back in march!!

5. what is your favourite oneshot?

probably Tear Me to Pieces; Skin to Bone by @princessfbi

6. what is your favourite multi-chapter fic?

stay by soft_satan literally brought me to tears so it’s that one

7. what is your favourite ‘established’ fic?

honestly i barely read established fic...i like the getting together part better lmao but i think i’d have to repeat the one from number 5 bc i love that one 

8. what is your favourite ‘getting together’ fic?

this is hard bc there’s so many but i love Encore by @bilbobagglns and shoutout to Love Language by red_to_black

9. if buddie went canon, how do you think it would happen?

idk man, no thoughts head empty :/ i think it’ll be a slow buildup, but i think the get together could go one of two ways: either it’ll be really dumb and funny and they’ll get together by accident, or a realization after a joke, or whatever, or it’ll be the height of drama where the realization happens when one or both is in danger and they have to save each other/yell at each other for being self sacrificial idiots/kiss

10. what are your top 4 headcanons for buddie? 

oh this i have answers for 

they’re not a pet names kind of couple. they don’t call each other sweetheart or honey or whatever, i might accept ‘babe’ but even that is a stretch :/ they’re an “dude (affectionate)” kind of couple

Buck is Eddie’s bi awakening, but Eddie isn’t Buck’s. i hc Buck as having figured out his sexuality years ago and being secure in that so he’s just like oh i like Eddie? okay then :) but Eddie realizes he likes Buck and has to take a minute bc he’s like oh i like men?? that’s new?? but then they kiss

Buck stays at Eddie’s house more than his own apartment, especially after they get together :) he just likes being around his boys, and they like having him there, and it’s just a bonus that after they get together he gets to sleep on an actual bed instead of the couch/an air mattress

personal fav: they don’t keep it secret on purpose but they kind of forget to tell everyone right away?? but then no one notices until it comes up in conversation bc they’re literally just Like That all the time so nothing really changed when they started dating

this was fun!! i’ll tag @herodean @nymika-arts @cherry-buckley @renecdote and @tylerhunklin

#tag games

[k-l-ng]

Can someone recommend me some good danmei with a loyal guard who's not just killed in the background? Who gets paragraphs dedicated to him? Who's relevant not only when dead? Who's useful? And people would care for him because he's important to them? Like I'm not even looking for him to be in the m/m relationship even though that would be good too. I'm just used to read danmei I guess. To keep my attention on the story. I truly admire loyal guards so much.

I just MTLed through the entire Paternity Guard story (60 chapters + 9 extras), for those who may be interested, it's about mpreg, but beware of unhealthy relationships!

And guess who became my favourite character?? Qi-ge. Not the svsss one, and I would never have thought I would think of a character other than Yue Qingyuan when reading this surname. Ying Qi, my boy, I love him so much. He's a shadow guard, and like, he's strong, but he's most of all so fiercely loyal to the one he cares about (his brothers -the shadow guards -, in particular little Shiqi, and their master, these last two form the main pairing of the story). And he's so kind, so involved in their well-beings he's basically self-sacrificial, and

***SPOILERS AND I MEAN SPOILERS SO IF YOU'RE INTERESTED IN READING PATERNITY GUARD PLS DONT LOOK AFTER THAT ANYWAY YOU'D FALL IN LOVE WITH YING QI** (SPOILERS though you may not like the ending, like me..)* he even studies medicine in order to be Shiqi's physician on their travels! He would rather be tortured than let an enemy touch Shiqi or betray his master. He's worries about the Shiqi × Master relationship as he questions the level of healthiness in their interactions and THAT'S what got me first interested in him. (And then his loyalty won me over.) But yeah, he's sensible, knows how to make decisions, is quite wise... That's why the extras about him kinda made my jaw drop. (You'll see...)

He was simply so good, I had started to wonder (sue me, but I was a little triggered for some reasons), why couldn't the master also fall in love with him? What was the reason the master chose to be so protective and possessive over Shiqi but not Ying Qi (he mostly drank vinegar hearing Shiqi talk about his Qi-ge) ? Yes, he valued him as any other shadow guard of his, but... you know what I mean. What first got the master's eyes on Shiqi was the baby in his belly. He'd never paid attention to him before, then he turned legit creepy about his lower abdomen ans stated to pay a lot of attention to Shiqj. Does it mean, if Ying Qi was the one who got pregnant, he would end up with Master too?

Or did Shinqi have something Ying Qi didn't? Okay, Shiqi was cuter, he was like the clueless little brother, and Master often called him "idiot" (I think affectionately). Was that what made the difference?

I know, love doesn't really follow reason. But damn I wanted Ying Qi to be well loved too.. I'm not really trying to give Master a harem : it's not for him; he's however a better alternative than..huh.

Ying Qi cared for others first, but who cared for him in priority?

***END SPOILERS***

I feel like there's so much potential to write good stories with a loyal guard? Is it just that I can't find them?

They're like bros for life but simply with less recognition. Even in cdrama I always despair whenever something bad happens to them.

They, like the romantic partner, would give their life for you, fight for you, suffer and go through hell for you. And yet they aren't appreciated, nor in some cases mourned the same amount. I guess Loyalty isn't as precious as Love? Which saddens me, because if I had someone who would be so devoted to me in my life I would treasure them.

So yeah I would live to read fics about a loyal guard and his master. Even if the relationship is platonic or morr like brotherhood? Of course, I think more about the ancient time when talking about master/guard dynamics so there may be a power imbalance, and unhealthy behaviours. But given the context, I would expect them as long as it's not just that you know.

I can't help daydreaming about so many situations, like:

Simple slow burn? The master slowly gets closer to his guard as he appreciates how devoted he is. First, it's about trust, something so rare when you have power. Then, it's about camaraderie. Then, about banters and fun. Friendship. Something more..? They basically survive many life and death situations together and as time passes, they learn more about their friend until one day they realise they can understand each other better than anyone else. Also they're already content to spend their life together! Bam! Power Couple.

More tragedy? The loyal guard couldn't escape his fate and dies for his master's plans. The master then deals horribly with his absence as he realizes that maybe, maybe, his love interest/schemes weren't worth his lifelong friend's life.

More angst with a happy ending? Let's make the master time travel to the past. He attempts to abort his plans so that he won't have to send his guard to his death. Not that he would even if he failed. He gets to open his heart to his guard the way he has dreamed about in his previous life.

I'm- obsessed.

#fic rec #qi-ge #ying qi #paternity guard #shadow guard delivering a mantou #mpreg #story rec #danmei #loyal guard #novel update #master/guard #am i creating this tag?? #loyalty #devotion #xing beiming #shiqi #i will proofread this another time sorry :'l

[razzle-zazzle]

Any poly headcannons for the characters? >w

Daemos Poly or Ultimate Poly? I’m going with daemos to make this easier on myself.

Asch is a tsundere. Very strong tsundere. They all know he loves them as much as they love him, even if he doesn’t or just can’t show it

Rhys becomes 10x more disappointed when someone does something stupid because he has high expectations for his amazing lovers. Don’t disappoint him it’s really sad

W a t e r   j a i l

Noi is still the team’s Emotional Support Daemos™, but now he’s even more dedicated to making sure everyone else is okay. He and Rhys are the group therapists.

Pierce is such a self-sacrificial idiot; the number of times the others have had to tackle him in the middle of a battle so that he doesn’t try to take a hit for them is innumerable. Asch is considering getting Pierce some serious therapy.

Even Leif is very affectionate, in his own Leify way. Have your rocks/books/gifts sorted in a specific way? Leif will mess them up so he can sort them with the other, and thus learn how it’s sorted. It takes a while for the others to get used to the way Leif loves, but they get there.

Consensual Spell Pool Yeeting™

^When Pierce and Rhys are clearly tired it’s tradition to yeet them in the spell pool. It’s also not uncommon for Leif to yeet his boyfriends in there, just because.

Asch still can’t beat Pierce in a sparring match. He tries. But Pierce is better.

Everyone panics when Asch shows any sign of injury or sickness. He was born an ylkys, after all, so one can never know if he’s dealing with aches and coughs still.

Everyone showers Asch with affection when he’s being too hard on himself as a leader. All of the affection.

Noi is a bottom. Rhys is mostly a bottom, but he can top if pressed. Pierce is a switch. Leif is a top. Asch rarely participates, but when he does, he's a top.

Rhys Appreciation Day™. Surprisingly, it was started by Leif.

Each of the boys gets their own Appreciation Day to just be loved.

Pierce picks up on how others are feeling and acts accordingly; he’s really just a sweetheart who wants everyone to be happy. They let him do this even on Pierce Appreciation Day™ because it makes him happy.

G I F T S

So many gifts

#aphmau #my inner demons #my inner demons daemos poly #my inner demons asch #my inner demons pierce #my inner demons noi #my inner demons rhys #my inner demons leif #my inner demons ultimate poly #is daemos poly + ava jake & lorelei #it's wild #my inner demons headcanons #Leif also picks up on how the others show affection and copies it #he doesn't just pull the 'trample the garden to fix it together' ploy #or the 'annoy the stress out of you' ploy #ask zaz #zaz answers

[sanctuaryforalluniverses]

not. enough. speed/delco! blanket permission for more headcans please!

Oooooh. :D You are now officially my favorite person EVER, anon. 

- So, in the magical land where the gunshot in 3X01 isn’t fatal, Eric finds out that Speed STILL isn’t cleaning his gun. He decides this means that Speed doesn’t care enough about staying alive, and decides to solve this problem by caring enough for both of them. 

- He shows up at the hospital EVERY chance he gets to hang out with Speed, skipping all his usual favorite things to do what he normally considers tantamount to death, which is sitting still in a small room. But being with Speed is better than everything else.

- This drives Speed CRAZY. Not in the “you’re bugging me” way, but in the “you’re adorable and it’s getting harder and harder to remember you’re straight and I can’t have you” way. Since trying to push him away proved really traumatic last time, Speed takes the coward’s way out and checks himself out of the hospital early. Once he limps home everything will go back to normal, right? 

- Haha no.

- Eric is now frantic with worry, since he sees this as yet another confirmation that Speed is determined not to take care of himself. He corners Speed at home, there’s yelling, and Eric ends up admitting that trying to take care of Speed has nothing to do with his Superman complex. That having Speed in his life is what makes it so he can do everything else. Eric tries hard never to need anything, but he needs Speed.

- Speed breaks a little bit. He is Drowning In Feelings and yet can’t say any of it because he’s still 100 percent convinced of Eric’s straightness, so he manages to be self-sacrificial and a little bit of a jerk at the same moment and drags Eric forward into a KISS. With full tongue. Both because he’s dead certain he’ll never have another chance, and because then Eric will finally be convinced that he needs to stay away from Speed for Eric’s own good. 

- Then, of course,he bolts. Out of his own apartment. His crappy furniture and very nice computer equipment is extremely lucky Eric has a key. Also, that Eric remembers to lock up even though he’s losing his mind a little bit. 

- Because Eric was raised a Good Catholic Boy, and knows intellectually that this should kind of be freaking him out. But it’s not, because Speed is Eric’s favorite person in the world and that was a damn good kiss. He’s pretty sure anything more complicated would be just as good, and the more Speed he gets the happier he tends to be. 

- The thing is, though, he’s a heck of a lot more worried about the running (and the fact that Speed is 100 percent not answering his calls, and didn’t even come home at any point) than he is about the kissing. Because Speed tried to push him away before, and what if the kiss was just another weird way of doing it again? Eric knows that a kiss doesn’t necessarily have to mean anything, and no matter how much love Eric has to give it might not even be something Speed wants.

- This is where the ladies come in and basically say “you are the stupidest people alive. TALK TO EACH OTHER.” Alexx and Calleigh probably go yell at Speed after they see Eric’s kicked puppy face, and Marisol is stubborn enough to pry what happened out of Eric.This, of course, has the added benefit of informing Speed that Eric is kicked puppy-level miserable, which is not what he’d been going for AT ALL.

- So they talk, and as soon as Speed manages to stumble out a version of “I was being kind of a dick because feelings” then Eric happily jumps right back on board the Sexuality is Fluid train. He basically moves Speed into his place for the rest of the recovery process, and there is much kissing and sex. 

- The rest of the team are 100 percent cool about the new development, though they have to be careful at work because Stetler is a jerk who will use whatever he has to in order to bring the team down. This leads to Eric using Russian endearments, which are far less easily immediately translatable than Spanish ones. 

- Also, he says “I love you” in Russian the first several times, because it comes bursting out of him before he thinks Speed’s ready to hear it and he kind of wants to ease him into it a little. 

- This is mostly because Speed still kind of can’t believe all of this is happening, and why someone like Eric would choose to get on the Sexuality is Fluid train for someone like him. 

- Especially because Eric’s parents essentially disown him when they find out (because they’re dicks - they weren’t even there for Marisol’s cancer AT ALL). They have a huge fight when Eric ends up telling them - Speed says he doesn’t have to, but Eric doesn’t want to hide something that makes him this happy - and he basically gets kicked out of the family. Marisol is so furious at this that she refuses to speak to their parents until they let Eric back in, but the two oldest sisters only talk to them both when the parents don’t know. 

- To try and make up for this, Speed sort of gives Eric HIS parents. This means that he talks to them WAY more often than he used to, and actually takes Eric up to New York for the first Thanksgiving after his parents disown him. 

- Speed’s parents aren’t great cooks,but they LOVE ERIC SO MUCH. Their son has been distant, away and somewhat shut down for more than a decade, and then Eric comes into his life and suddenly they can see the sweet, playful kid he was in high school. They are happy to parent the crap out of Eric any and every chance they get. 

- Once his recovery time is over, Speed confuses and upsets his co-workers who don’t know him as well as the team by being cheerful at work. Not all the time, of course, because that would be a sign of the apocalypse, but he’ll actually smile sometimes or, gasp, ask them about some random thing in their lives (which Eric inevitably told him about, because he immediately buddies up to every single tech in the building). He’ll even help some of them out, sometimes, though there’s nothing that weirds them out more than watching him get all soft and affectionate with Eric (they’d never get mushy in FRONT of any but the most trusted techs, but it’s easy to overhear things sometimes). There’s actually competing rumors at one point that the real Speed has been replaced by 1) an alien 2) a clone or 3) someone who’s had extensive plastic surgery and has taken over Speed’s life for nefarious purposes. The rumors later inspire a betting pool. 

- Speed and Eric love to watch TV sprawled together on the couch, usually with Speed on the bottom and Eric pretty much draped over him. While they watch, Eric will idly run his fingers back and forth over whatever parts of Speed he can reach, because I get the feeling he’d be SUPER tactile in a relationship. Speed starts wearing a lot more shorts and t-shirts,solely so that more of his skin is available for Eric to do this. 

- I feel like Eric would propose after one of the many times he miraculously didn’t die in the show (though in their era it would be a commitment ceremony, since marriage wasn’t legal in Florida back then) because he’s a little bit of an impulsive idiot and he has a lot of good memories associated with hospitals when they’re both alive and conscious. (My personal favorite is the one in season 5, though I wouldn’t make it a brain shot because there’s stretching the truth and then there’s doing the can-can on top of it, and though I loved Miami to death that show could never tell the difference). 

- They hold the commitment ceremony on a beach, because they’re like that, and they both have open collars and bare feet (Eric’s probably in white, because he’s drawn to that, but Speed is in black because he clearly can’t emotionally handle wearing light colors). The team is there, which by this point includes Ryan (who in my universe replaces Megan, not Speed) as well as Marisol and Speed’s parents. 

- They both write their vows, though they refuse to tell me what they are. The rings are classic bands - titanium, though, because it’s stronger than gold - and they both cry a little even though they pretend they don’t. 

And now I need to wrap this up so I can go to bed, but if you send me another one of these asks I’ll tell you all about Speed and Eric’s adopted daughter, Milagros. 

#csi miami #tim speedle #eric delko #eric/speed