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auroraphilealis · 6 years

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Ready to Let Go (5/?)

Ready to Let Go (5/?) | Dan doesn’t want to go to India in February, just before Valentine’s Day, with his increasingly homophobic parents. He doesn’t want to be a lawyer, or settle down with some pretty girl one day. Dan wants to spend Valentine’s Day with Phil. He wants to be an entertainer. And he sure as hell plans on marrying Phil one day. But more than any of that, Dan just wants be himself. He wants to be happy. Sequel to Too Tense to Be Undone. | Phan | Explicit | Homophobia, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Growing Up, Explicit Smut, Rough Sex, D/S Undertones, Love Making, Rimming, Multiple Orgasm, Blowjobs, Skype Sex | 8,236 Words This Chapter

Thanks as always to @imnotinclinedtomaturity, who probably wasn’t expecting me to ask her to edit today since I hadn’t even BEGUN to re-write the second half of this chapter, and therefore is amazing for doing what she did. That being said, I was too impatient to wait for her to do a “proper” edit, so if there are any issues, that’s all on me. Thank you as well to everyone for being patient with me. I struggled more than I can even began to explain on this chapter, and it was insanely important to me that I got this chapter right. I hope the long awaited conversation ends up being exactly what you guys had been hoping for <3 There’s more to come, so stay tuned!

(Ao3 Link) (Previous)

Kathryn was just as sweet as Dan remembered. The moment Dan entered the hallway to greet her with Phil, Kathryn pulled him into a warm hug, her arms all encompassing despite her slight frame.

She felt like a mum. Not like Dan’s mum, but a mum. A proper mum who knew how to make Dan feel young and small again, despite being 18 and a foot taller than her. There was just something about her that felt loving, and somehow, Dan was lucky enough to get some of that love from her too.

“It’s so good to see you again, Dan,” Kathryn greeted warmly, face pressed into the crook of his neck. “Nigel and I were wondering why we haven’t seen you around recently!” she complained as she pulled back from Dan.

Before Dan could even think about coming up with an explanation for her without having to explain the real reason - that his parents hadn’t known he and Phil were dating until last night - Kathryn’s smiling gaze flicked down to his neck, and began to follow the line of dark hickeys littering Dan’s neck.

Dan blushed deeply as he remembered that Phil had made a mess of him that morning. Terrified that Kath might be offended by the obvious signs of sex, Dan tried to shrink under her gaze, his shoulders drawing up some in an attempt to hide his neck. His eyes darted to Phil’s, who was staring back at him just as nervously.

Fuck, fuck, what was Kathryn going to think of him now? Sure, this wasn’t the first time Dan had paraded around the Lesters’ house with his neck covered in hickies, and sure Kathryn had never said anything bad before, but that didn’t mean she wouldn’t eventually.

Surely, there were only so many public displays of their sex life that any person could take, especially a parent.

Dan had just wanted to Phil to make it clear to Dan’s parents who Dan belonged to… he hadn’t exactly thought about the Lesters.

Now he wished he had, if only to avoid the awkwardness of this moment.

Eyes darting back to Phil’s again when Kathryn said nothing, Dan tried to silently plead for help.

Thankfully, Phil understood him. Clearing his throat awkwardly, Phil shuffled his feet a little, and opened his mouth to speak.

“Mum -”

“Oh! What were you saying, dear?” Kathryn asked, jumping a little and dragging her gaze away from Dan’s neck.

Rather than looking disgusted or annoyed, however, Kath just looked quietly amused as she turned to look at Phil. Dan watched as her gaze traced over Phil’s neck as well, saw the way she rolled her eyes playfully, and begin to strip off her coat.

“It’s only been a couple of weeks since Dan was here last, Mum,” Phil said, his voice far too loud in the small hallway, and his cheeks beginning to burn even more as he seemed to remember that he, too, was covered in Dan’s marks.

Mortified, Dan dropped his face into his hands.

“That’s months for you two, Philip,” Kathryn replied, hanging up her coat and giving Phil’s neck an obvious look. “You can’t keep your hands off each other,” she teased with a wink and a laugh.

Dan wanted to die on the spot.

“Right, uhm. Yeah,” he mumbled. “I guess I’ve just been busy,” he added, reaching up to ruffle his hair for something to do with his hands. His cheeks were on fire, and he wanted nothing more than to disappear into the ground.

Kathryn shot them both amused looks as she pulled off her shoes.

There was an awkward silence between all three of them while Dan tried to subtly disappear, and Phil did his best to retain some form of dignity in front of his mum.

Then, “So, what’s for dinner?” Phil asked hastily.

Rolling her eyes affectionately, Kathryn stood up straight, and started to head out of the hallway. Almost on instinct, both Dan and Phil followed her.

“Always thinking about your stomach, aren’t you Philip. I was thinking enchiladas, if you boys wanted to help me cook?”

Eyes wild, and terrified that saying no would make Kathryn think he and Phil were going to head back upstairs and have sex again, Dan blurted out, “Sure! I’d love too.”

Phil shot him a horrified look, while Kathryn glanced over her shoulder and beamed.

“Wonderful! Thank you, dear.”

Phil’s hand found Dan’s, and he squeezed so hard that Dan whipped his head up to look at him. Phil’s eyes were filled with anxiety, but he didn’t stop Dan from continuing to follow after Kath.

“I hate you,” Phil muttered.

Dan’s stomach clenched a little.

“I thought you wanted to get away just as bad as I did, and now we have to help mum cook,” Phil practically whined, the look of mortification still plain as day on his face.

Dan’s stomach relaxed, relieved Phil wasn’t actually mad, and he sent Phil a small smile in return.

“I just want her to like me,” he explained.

Phil paused, holding Dan in place for a minute, as he searched Dan’s face in surprise. Then, a small smile of his own crept onto his features. With an obviously fond roll of the eyes, Phil reached up and cupped his cheek, sweeping a finger just under his mouth with a look full of soft adoration.

“She already does,” he said, and leaned in for a quick kiss.

Cooking with Kathryn was easy. She had a soothing personality, and a soft voice, and there was a warmth about her that Dan hadn’t ever experienced in a mother before. She gave easy directions to Dan, having him cut up the vegetables while she prepared the tortillas, and didn’t make fun of Dan when he made a mistake.

Instead, she gently corrected him, teaching him the best way to cut an onion, and how big she wanted the tomato slices to be. She didn’t even complain when she had to throw out bits of food that Dan had “ruined,” where Dan’s mum would have fought to make do, and complained the whole time.

It made Dan feel like he truly was part of the family. It made him feel loved and cared for in a way that Dan’s own mum had never truly accomplished. It made him feel included, and his heart feel warm, as Kathryn and Phil held up a steady stream of comforting conversation.

Of course, the whole evening had started out a little awkward thanks to Kath’s good natured teasing, but it had so easily flowed into something more natural that Dan was almost able to forget the marks littering his and Phil’s neck. From time to time, he’d glance up and catch sight of the angry red, and purple bruises on Phil’s skin, and he blush darkly in embarrassment, but just as quickly as he blushed, he found himself laughing at Kath teasing Phil, and Phil teasing her right back.

When Nigel Lester eventually got home, the atmosphere Kathryn and Phil had created pretty much stayed the same. While Dan’s father had a habit of darkening any room he walked into, Nigel was so calm and unassuming that Dan just felt at peace.

Dinner, therefore, was an easy affair filled with lighthearted conversations that were so different from dinner conversations at home that Dan’s head was spinning. Not once did anyone ask him about his plans for the future, or bother him about school and internships. Instead, Phil chattered about YouTube, and Kathryn mentioned having watched one of Dan’s videos and absolutely loving it.

The easy acceptance, the easy praise and affection, made Dan feel at home for the first time in his life, and for a little while, Dan was even able to forget about what had happened just last night with his own parents. There was just this sense of belonging in the Lester household that Dan wanted to revel in, and no place for thought of his parents.

“So, how do we feel about a movie night?” Kathryn suggested, as she and Dan finished up the dishes. Phil and his dad were talking quietly behind them, still sat at the table, and occasionally offering their help as well. Kathryn was quick to dismiss them every time, but Dan didn’t mind.

He was kind of enjoying his time with Kath.

Normally, Dan loathed having to do the dishes with his mum, as it was usually a chance for her to berate or lecture him, but with Kath, it just felt nice. It felt like bonding, and Dan hadn’t realized how desperate he was for some kind of motherly affection until just then.

“Movie sounds good. Phil and I could make the popcorn. What do you think, Dan?” Nigel asked, drawing Dan’s attention back to the question at hand.

He hesitated, unsure how to react. Dan wasn’t used to spending time with family - his or anyone else’s. His parents never wanted to do anything together outside of carefully constructed family holidays and stoic dinners together. He’d never been invited to spend much time with his ex’s family either, and the idea of hanging out was still so foreign to Dan. It had been strange enough the last few times Dan had been here, but now? After what had happened with his own parents last night?

But a movie did sound good. Dan loved watching movies. It was probably his favorite past time after watching YouTube videos. He was just such a movie buff, and he loved talking about them afterwards, especially with Phil.

Dan didn’t know how to respond. Should he say yes, and risk a bad experience with the Lesters, or say no and disappoint everyone, including himself?

Phil must have taken Dan’s hesitance as a plea for a way to say no, as before Dan could come up with an answer, Phil spoke for him.

“Actually, Mum, Dad, Dan got in pretty early. He’s probably pretty tired already.”

“He got in early, did he?” Nigel asked, a teasing note to his tone. “Yes, I’m sure that’s the reason he’s tired.”

Heat filled Dan’s cheeks as the words sunk in, and he whirled to face both Phil and his dad with his mouth open in protest. First Phil’s mum, and now his dad, too? Could today get any worse?

“That’s not -” Dan started to say, only to be interrupted by a chorus of laughter from both Kath and Nigel. Dan’s cheeks turned absolutely crimson as he stared back and forth between them, his eyes darting to Phil’s.

Phil looked just as mortified, covering his face with his hands at the kitchen table. Nigel reached across to slap Phil on the shoulder, while Kath attempted to muffle the sounds of her giggles.

Dan could do nothing but try his best not to groan out loud.

“I’m only teasing,” Nigel eventually said, when his laughter had petered out some. “It’s fine, Dan. If you’re tired, you and Phil should head up to bed.”

“I’m fine!” Dan blurted out, before he could really think about it. “I’m not tired at all! A movie sounds great!” he continued, feeling more and more flustered by the minute. Whirling on his feet, Dan went right back to vigorously scrubbing dishes dry, and placing them carefully into the Lesters’ cupboards, eyes wild with mortification.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, Dan had only just gotten over being caught out and called out by Phil’s mum, and now this?

Dan’s cheeks were absolutely on fire by the time Kath reached out and touched him, her fingers soft against the inside of Dan’s wrist.

Dan’s head snapped up to look at her.

“If you’re sure, dear,” she murmured, her voice sweet, and her gaze understanding. “We could always watch a movie another night,” she offered.

But there was something about her gaze that made Dan’s previously racing heart began to settle back into a normal rhythm. There was something about the warmth she exuded that reminded Dan that her and Nigel’s teasing was nothing more than good natured ribbing, and while Dan still felt humiliated, somehow, he felt better about it at the same time.

Slowly, he felt himself beginning to smile.

Because the Lesters… they felt like a real family, and Dan had never had that before.

“I’m sure,” Dan murmured back, offering Kath a quick nod of his head when she cocked her head inquisitively at him. They stared at each other for another long moment, before Kath burst into a wide smile.

“Alright, dear. Do you think you and Phil could make the popcorn, while Nigel and I pick out a movie?”

Nodding, Dan finished drying off the last plate, and stuck it in the cupboard, before letting the door fall shut. Kath patted Dan on the arm one last time, and then turned to walk away, Nigel following behind her.

Phil took her place. As Dan turned, putting his back to the sink and letting out a huge sigh, Phil stepped in close, and pressed the palms of both of his hands on Dan’s waist.

“Sorry,” Phil giggled, his cheeks still a dark red. “Sometimes my parents don’t know where to draw the line.”

Dan shook his head.

“It’s fine,” he reassured Phil, though his cheeks still felt warm. “It’s kind of nice… you know, that they don’t care,” Dan explained, avoiding Phil’s gaze.

“Care about what?” Phil asked, clearly confused.

But Dan just shook his head, looking back up and offering Phil a smile. “Nothing,” he said. “Let’s make that popcorn, yeah?”

Phil cocked his head in confusion at Dan, but didn’t pry. Instead, he released Dan’s hips without so much as a protest, and went to retrieve the popcorn.

Dan mostly just left the cooking to Phil. He ended up watching the way Phil moved, puttering about his kitchen, making himself a quick coffee, and getting the popcorn going in the microwave. He shouted an offer for coffee or drinks to his parents, who both said no, and then offered Dan one as well. With a quick shake of his head, Dan said, “No, I’ll just steal some of yours,” despite the fact that he hated the way Phil took his coffee.

He just wanted to share everything with Phil today. Even coffee.

When the two bags of popcorn Phil had pulled out had finished cooking, the two of them headed back into the lounge, with Dan and Phil each holding a bowl of popcorn. Still trying to make a good impression on Phil’s parents, Dan handed them the bowl he was holding, smiling at the way they curled up together on the sofa. Dan had never seen his own parents cuddle like that.

It was a reassuring sign that not all relationships had to be like his parents.

After dropping off the popcorn, Dan turned, only to find that Phil had already made his way across the room to the recliner, and sat down. He even had the foot rest already pulled up and out, so he was practically laying down, a sight that made Dan feel incredibly confused.

Pulling up short, Dan blinked at Phil a few times, and then walked over hesitantly to meet him.

What was doing? Did he not want to sit with Dan?

But then Dan got closer, and he realized that Phil was sitting with his legs spread, popcorn bowl in one hand, mug in the other, both resting on the armrests, as he stared up at Dan with such an obvious look of come here, that Dan suddenly understood. Once again, his cheeks flushed a dark red, and he turned to glance pointedly at Mr. and Mrs. Lester. Neither parent was looking, though, and when Dan turned back to Phil, he was smiling as if his parents didn’t matter.

Who knows. Maybe in that moment, they didn’t matter to Phil.

“Come here, dork,” Phil said fondly, nodding towards his lap. “My parents don’t care,” he added in a much quieter voice, one that was very obviously intended to avoid catching his parents’ attention.

Dan glanced behind himself one last time just to make sure, but Mr. and Mrs. Lester were giggling together as they fed each other popcorn, and they’d already pressed play on the movie they’d picked out. Clearly, they weren’t paying Dan or Phil any attention.

Dan turned back around to find Phil staring at him fondly, a playful smirk on his lips.

“Come on,” he insisted softly.

Biting his bottom lip, Dan finally gave in. What use was there in arguing anyway? He wanted to sit with Phil, and the opportunity to sit in his lap was far too good to pass up. It was just - Dan was nervous. He’d never really done this kind of thing before in front of someone’s parents. With his ex, there had always been a carefully controlled amount of space between then, and limited PDA. Being so open was… new to Dan.

Still. He wasn’t going to give this moment a pass, not if the Lesters really didn’t seem to mind. Which, from the looks of it, maybe they didn’t.

Stepping forward, Dan went to climb over the footrest and onto the recliner with Phil, when he remembered Phil’s coffee. His eyes caught on the precariously-held mug, and he reached out and grabbed it before he could think about it.

“Don’t want you to spill it,” Dan explained hastily, his cheeks growing somehow warmer. Phil’s mouth dropped open a little in surprise, but he didn’t protest. Instead, he just kind of stared at Dan.

Placing the mug down on the coffee table next to Phil’s recliner, Dan sent Phil a smile, and then went about climbing up into the seat with him. With Dan’s overly long limbs, the movement was a little bit awkward, and the fact that he needed to avoid touching Phil in any inappropriate places made him feel even more awkward.

As Dan crouched over the top of Phil, his hands on either side of Phil’s head, and his body caging Phil’s, Dan glanced over the Lesters. Kath was staring right at him.

The attention caused Dan to slip, and he gasped, eyes going wide, as his grip on the chair relaxed unconsciously. For a moment, Dan flailed, whipping his head back around to stare at Phil, and catching himself on his boyfriend's shoulder. Phil’s eyes were wide as well, though he was laughing, but Dan couldn’t be bothered by Phil’s reaction.

He was more concerned with Kath’s. Warily, Dan turned again to look at Kath, only to find her hiding a laugh behind her hand as she turned her attention back to the TV.

His cheeks flushed even darker now, Dan turned back to stare at Phil’s chest, and shifted to turn around on Phil’s lap.

Phil’s empty hand reached for Dan’s waist as he started to get settled, and helped guide him into place. His hand was hot even through the shirt Dan was wearing, and it made Dan shudder a little with desire, because every touch of Phil’s sent an electric shock through his body. What was even better, however, was the feel of Dan’s body settling on top of Phil’s as he sat, and his body naturally melted backwards against Phil’s chest.

Dan’s nervous expression softened into a smile.

Because this was wonderful, and if he got to spend the entire movie curled up with

Phil like this, well then he was the luckiest man on Earth.

“Told you it’d be fine,” Phil murmured against the shell of Dan’s ear as he wrapped his arm around Dan’s waist, and placed the popcorn bowl on Dan’s lap.

Dan blushed all over again.

“I’m not too heavy for you, am I?” he whispered back.

Phil chuckled, and pressed a chaste kiss to the side of Dan’s neck.

“Course not, love. Don’t even think about it.”

So Dan didn’t. Instead, he turned and reached over to grab the coffee mug off the coffee table, then settled back into Phil, and did his best to relax.

It was difficult at first. Dan kept catching himself throwing glances over at Phil’s parents, wondering if they were staring at Dan and Phil, but they never were. The more times Dan looked, and the more times he found that neither Lesters were paying them any attention, the more comfortable Dan began to feel.

And then, as Dan finally relaxed properly into Phil’s body, Phil reached up and pressed a bit of popcorn to his lips. Startled, Dan turned his head a little, and looked back at Phil to find him smiling at Dan.

Gently, Phil nudged the bit of popcorn at Dan’s lips, and nodded his head as if to say take it.

Slowly, Dan parted his lips, allowing Phil to press the kernel into his mouth. Phil slipped his fingers in alongside the bite of popcorn, so Dan could taste Phil’s skin against his tongue just as much as the buttery popcorn, before he slowly pulled away.

Mouth watering for a different reason than the popcorn, Dan bit into the kernel, and chewed slowly for no other reason than because he was trying to control himself from jumping on Phil and kissing him right then and there. Furtively, Dan shot a glance over at the Lesters again, only to find that Nigel was doing much the same for Kath, but with far less sexual tension.

Turning to look back up at Phil, Dan opened his mouth to demand Phil stop teasing him, but before he could speak, Phil pressed another piece of popcorn into Dan’s mouth, this time drawing his fingers sensuously against Dan’s lips as he pulled away.

Dan’s mouth fell shut on instinct.

“Good?” Phil asked, voice husky.

Dan nodded his head.

“Good,” Phil said again, and settled back into the recliner as if nothing had happened.

Dan swallowed thickly, and chewed the popcorn currently in his mouth quickly, unsure when Phil was going to feed him another - but if Dan was being honest with himself, no matter how much he hated the teasing… he kind of wanted Phil to do it again.

And he did. For the rest of the night, in fact. Phil fed Dan the majority of their popcorn bowl, only pausing occasionally to offer Dan sips of his coffee, before starting back up again. At first, the sensation continued to feel sexual in nature, but as the night wore on, and the movie grew more and more serious, followed by an overly sappy ending, Dan noticed Phil’s motions becoming more sweet, and less teasing.

It was nice. It was really nice. While Dan loved the sexual nature of his relationship with Phil, he liked the affectionate one just as much, and he knew Phil did too. Everytime Dan got to see Phil like this, Dan’s heart curled up in deep satisfaction, because Dan knew that he was special, and that he was the only lover Phil had ever acted like this around.

As the credits finally began to roll just past ten o’clock, Mr. and Mrs. Lester stood up with big yawns. Nigel stretched his arms over his head, while Kathryn turned to smile at Dan and Phil.

“Alright boys, I think it’s time for your father and I to head up to bed,” she announced.

Dan glanced over at Phil, who didn’t look the least bit tired (probably due to the coffee they’d been drinking) and then back over to Kath.

“Sleep well, Mrs. Lester,” Dan said.

Kathryn laughed, and shook her head.

“Call me Kath, Dan,” she said. “After what I’ve seen, I think we’re on a first name basis,” she added with a wink and a loud laugh.

Mortified, Dan’s cheeks flared red.

“Oh my god, Mum!” Phil complained with a surprised laugh, his arm tightening around Dan’s waist to hold him closer.

Kathryn rolled her eyes, while Nigel merely smirked at the two boys, arms crossed over his chest and body turned towards the stairs. It was clear he was ready for bed, and all Dan could think was please take your wife with you and make her stop teasing us. But he didn’t.

He just let Kath keep talking.

“Oh hush, Philip. A mother knows, you know,” she joked. “And do it keep down tonight if you two decided you’re not too tired to have another go,” she teased one last time.

Before either Dan or Phil could say another word, or defend themselves, Kath stepped forward, looped her arm through her husbands, and lead him straight upstairs.

Dan’s mouth fell open in utter shock.

“Did that just happen?” he asked, once Kath and Nigel had disappeared up the stairs. A few seconds later, Dan heard their bedroom door close.

“Yeah, it did,” Phil said, and immediately burst into laughter. Dan turned in his lap to find that Phil had thrown his head back, and his adam’s apple was bobbing from the force of his laughter.

“Oh my god, Phil!” Dan complained. “Stop laughing!”

Turning properly in Phil’s lap, Dan threw his legs over the armrest, dislodging the empty popcorn bowl from his lap and sending it tumbling to the floor, and swatted playfully at Phil’s chest.

“It’s not funny!” he complained.

“It sort of is,” Phil shot back, leaning in to press a kiss to Dan’s neck. He was still laughing, the kiss a little bit wet, and very warm, but filled with the sensation of Phil’s amusement.

Dan groaned, and wiggled away.

“Stooooop,” Dan complained, “Your parents are home!”

Phil’s arms snaked more tightly around Dan’s waist, and he pulled him closer to his body, lips finding the shell of Dan’s ear. Dan shievered as Phil placed a kiss there, his humor from earlier clearly gone.

Dan wasn’t sure if he was ready to find out what the humor had been replaced with.

“Says the boy who wanted to fuck on my parents’ kitchen table. Do you know how difficult it was to keep a straight face while we were eating there?” he murmured, his voice husky and filled with warm desire. Dan’s eyes went even wider, his cheeks darkening, as Phil continued. “I’m not sure if I was more mortified, or turned on by the fact that what happened there is our little secret.”

Dan didn’t have a response to that. It wasn’t something he’d exactly been thinking about, considering he’d been so distracted by how pleasant Phil’s parents were, but now that he was thinking about it, he definitely felt mortified. Shoving his face into his hands again, Dan groaned against his palms, and chose not to reply directly.

“Why were you thinking about that?” he asked instead.

Phil chuckled against Dan’s ear, and nuzzled at the sensitive bit of skin just behind it. “How could I not?” Phil asked, “Do you think I’ll ever be able to eat there again without getting turned on? Do you think I’ll ever be able to use my shower again without having to jerk off?” he pushed, breath hot against Dan’s skin. He nuzzled at Dan’s ear again, before kissing it lightly, the sound of his voice and the feel of his lips sending heat coursing through Dan’s veins.

Dan’s cock stirred in his pants.

“Phil,” Dan gasped, turning his head a little. “Phil, stop… You’re gonna make me…”

“Make you what?” Phil asked, shifting a hand to play at the hem of Dan’s shirt.

Dan squirmed, and jerked away. He could feel desire beginning to course through his veins, but he wasn’t entirely sure he had another round in him, especially not after all of Phil’s parents’ teasing. It felt entirely inappropriate to do anything more while the Lesters were home when they were already joking about Dan and Phil’s morning activities.

Turning his body completely, Dan swung his legs back off the arm rest, and pressed his back to Phil’s chest. Not so casually, Dan grabbed Phil’s wrists and tightened them around his waist, holding them in place. Then, he sighed and rested his head on Phil’s shoulder, face turned and tucked into his neck.

“I hate you,” he complained, only for Phil to laugh in return.

“I love you, too,” Phil shot back, his voice warm and affectionate. Sighing a little himself, Phil seemed to give in to Dan’s desire for non-sexual cuddles, and held him back easily, his fingers rubbing soothing circles against the skin of Dan’s hands. Despite Dan being the one holding Phil’s arms in place, it truly felt to Dan that Phil was the one holding Dan in place.

He was like an anchor keeping Dan from floating away. To where, Dan wasn’t sure - all he knew was that if it weren’t for Phil this morning, Dan wasn’t sure what he would have done. He clearly hadn’t been able to stay at home, not if he wanted any semblance of having control over his own life, but he’d also been so stuck inside of his own head that he’d been desperate for Phil to show him that everything was going to be alright.

And Phil had.

Because Phil… was truly a very special person.

They sat like that what seemed like a long time. The coffee had done it’s trick, Dan wasn’t tired, and he could feel by the way Phil was breathing under him that Phil wasn’t tired either. As Dan continued to dwell on the events of the day, he began to realize why Phil might have had them drinking coffee tonight.

He was still waiting for that talk Dan had promised him.

And Dan couldn’t blame him in the least.

Letting out a deep sigh, Dan relaxed further into Phil’s body, unsure how to get the ball rolling on that conversation. He wanted to stay in this moment forever.

It wasn’t that he didn’t think Phil deserved an explanation… it was just, Dan had put it off so long that he was starting to feel more and more nervous about bringing it up.

Thankfully, he didn’t have to because Phil did it for him.

“Dan,” Phil murmured, pulling away from Dan some. Dan turned his head to find Phil shuffling to the right, putting some distance between their bodies. The movement forced Dan to lean further back into the actual recliner, rather than Phil’s body. “I hate to bring this up, but… you promised we’d talk,” he continued. His mouth was pushed into an uncertain grimace that Dan hated to be responsible for.

“I know,” Dan agreed instantly. Letting out a deep sigh, Dan pushed a hand through his curls, and turned his body on the recliner so he was facing Phil.

The problem was, he still didn’t know where to start.

His eyes found Phil’s and he held onto his gaze as tightly as he could, unblinking, a little uncertain, and a lot shy. Phil stared back, squinting at Dan as if he were trying to read through the shields Dan had had up all day..

Dan wished it were possible to read minds.

“What’s going on, Bear?” Phil asked after another moment of silence dragged between them.

The childhood nickname sent a shiver down Dan’s spine, and he blinked against the pain that washed over him.

Instantly, Dan recoiled, flinching away from the conversation, away from Phil, away from that name.

“Don’t call me that anymore,” Dan blurted out, his mouth clamping shut around the words. He felt his eyes go wide as Phil flinched away from Dan’s harsh tone. Phil’s brow furrowed in confusion.

“Dan…” he murmured, reaching over to press a warm palm on top of Dan’s thigh. “Dan, you’re scaring me. What’s going on? I thought you loved that nickname -”

“My parents told me to stop seeing you,” Dan blurted out again, cutting Phil off.

This time, Phil reacted with a notable gasp, the sound harsh and loud in the quiet of the lounge.

Unable to face Phil’s reaction, Dan bit down hard on his lip, and closed his eyes. Before he could stop himself, he curled up in as tight of a ball as he could manage, shuffling away from Phil’s body, and tucking himself into the far corner of the recliner. He wrapped his arms tight around his legs as his muscles clenched up, filled with a tension Dan had thought he’d managed to work out that morning. Apparently, he’d been wrong.

Phil didn’t say a word. In fact, the hand he’d pressed against Dan’s thigh had retracted completely, and if it weren’t for the rest of their bodies inadvertently touching, Dan might have actually panicked.

The silence between them was heavy.

Dan was too afraid to open his eyes and find out what Phil was thinking. Remembering what his father had basically demanded of Dan was bad enough, but having to say it out loud? Having to wait for Phil’s reaction? That was almost worse.

The silence was killing him, but Dan couldn’t bring himself to break it.

“Is that why...?” Phil finally asked, his voice cracking on the words. “Is that why you’ve been so clingy today? Are you - is this -” Phil choked, the sound shocking enough to force Dan to finally open his eyes and look up at Phil.

His eyes were wet, and he was biting his bottom lip so hard it had turned white.

“Are you breaking up with me?” Phil asked, lips shaking.

Dan’s mouth dropped open.

“What?” he asked, dumbfounded. Had he heard that right?

Phil’s eyes fell shut, and Dan watched on helplessly as the tears fell, dripping down his cheeks and stopping at his shaking lips.

“Dan, did you come here to break up with me?”

“No! What the fuck, Phil!?” Dan shouted, body uncurling as he scrambled back to Phil. Their knees knocked together painfully, but Dan didn’t care. He shifted his body so that he was straddling Phil, shoving him back into the recliner, and nearly sending both of them flying backwards. At the last minute, Phil reached out and grappled with the armrests, preventing them from tipping too far back. After a few precarious seconds, the recliner settled.

“How could you even think that?” he demanded, voice a more hushed shout now, as Phil shook his head venehemtely, eyes darting back and forth from Dan’s, to upstairs, where his parents had gone to bed.

“You just told me your parents told you to leave me!” Phil whisper-shouted back, expression filled with pain. “After I asked you to tell me what the hell was wrong with you today!” he added.

Dan shook his head. “That doesn’t mean I’m going to break up with you!”

“Well it doesn’t exactly come across as you not!”

Dan froze.

The realization that Dan hadn’t exactly told Phil one way or another what he was planning to do slammed into Dan, but it wasn’t as if Dan had exactly thought this whole conversation out. He’d just… kind of blurted out the first thing that had come to mind.

Still.

How could Phil ask him that?

Brow crumpling in pain, Dan groaned and leaned forward to press his face into Phil’s neck.

“I thot uw nu me ber than thot.”

“What?” Phil asked.

With a moan of distress, Dan pulled his face back from Phil’s neck and tried again. “I said, I thought you knew me better than that,” he mumbled, avoiding Phil’s gaze. He could feel tears of his own flooding his eyes again.

It was bad enough that Dan’s parents had rejected him last night. But now this? Dan didn’t know what to do with this.

“Dan,” Phil murmured. His voice was soft, edged with a brokenness that forced Dan to look back up at him. “Dan, what did you expect me to think?”

“I dont know!” Dan nearly shouted, quieting at the last second thanks to a quick “shh!” from Phil. “Something other than this!” he added for good measure. His brow furrowed, and he drew back again, so his body was bowed, hovering over Phil’s, his hands on either side of Phil’s head.

It seemed impossible the recliner was still holding them up.

Phil shook his head, his expression fading back into the heartbroken one Dan had seen one too many times today.

“Dan,” Phil repeated, voice shaky. “Dan, how in the world could I think otherwise with the way you’ve been acting all day?”

That brought Dan up short. He inhaled sharply as he realized that Phil was right.

Dan couldn’t really imagine his behavior from an outsider’s perspective, but he could recognize that he’d been acting incredibly abnormal - abnormal enough that Phil had questioned him more than once that morning.

He’d convinced Phil to have rough sex with him in the kitchen, for fuck’s sake, and had been so desperate to feel something other than rejection, that he’d tried to convince Phil to fuck him dry.

But erase the knowledge that Dan had been feeling absolutely fucking devastated, and what did that leave Phil with?

A messy, needy boyfriend who’d refused to stop and explain anything to him.

Shame filled Dan as he realized just how irrational he was being. He couldn’t drop a bombshell like this onto Phil, and not expect him to react just as badly as Dan had when his father had said it.

Groaning, Dan fell forward into Phil’s body, and shoved his face back into his neck, doing his best to hide from the pain he’d caused. He could feel the tears starting to drip passed his closed eyelids as he struggled to get his arms around Phil’s body to hold him close.

Phil’s arms wrapped around Dan’s waist easily, squeezing him back. The touch came almost as a surprise. At least, the ease of it. The familiarity. Phil wasn’t holding back, wasn’t denying Dan the comfort he was so obviously seeking, and it gave Dan a sense of relief to know he hadn’t entirely fucked up.

“‘M sorry,” Dan mumbled.

Beneath his head, Dan could feel Phil trembling - a reaction Dan had never thought to expect. Of all of the emotions he’d expected from Phil - anger, empathetic hurt, calm reassurance - fear had never been one of them.

Dan had never thought Phil would jump to the worst possible conclusion.

In some sick, twisted way, it was comforting - a sign that Phil was just as invested in this relationship as Dan was, to the point where he he couldn’t fathom losing Dan either.

Dan just wished it hadn’t come to this.

“I just want to understand what’s going on,” Phil sniffled, squeezing Dan tighter when he attempted to pull away. “I thought something had happened… I thought maybe you were second guessing our relationship, or -”

Dan made a sound of muffled protest, and tried harder to squirm away.

Voice trembling, Phil pushed on, ignoring Dan’s attempts to interrupt. “- or - or. Well, you asked me to mark you up, Dan.”

Distressed, Dan finally managed to drag himself out of Phil’s arms. He could feel his heart breaking at the very idea Phil had suggested - of what Phil had feared.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Dan begged, grasping Phil’s face in his hands, and holding on tight. He was sniffling, but he couldn’t help it. His heart felt like it was going to fall right out of his chest, it hurt so bad.

How had Dan managed to fuck up so bad?

“Because you were hurting!” Phil shot back, eyes wet with tears of his own. “I don’t know, Dan, I was afraid! What do you want from me, I’m not a robot! I feel things, too! I’m not perfect, either!”

Dan didn’t have a response to that. He’d never felt like such a selfish asshole. The last thing he’d wanted was to hurt Phil like this. If he’d known… if he’d only just realized… why hadn’t he questioned it more when Phil had given him those heartbroken looks earlier? Relationships weren’t one sided, Dan couldn’t just go along ignoring Phil’s feelings just because his were a wreck right now.

Trying to hold back from making this any more about him than it currently was, Dan sat up on Phil’s lap despite Phil’s protests, and his grasping hands, and crossed his arms over his chest.

“You’re going to tell me exactly what you thought was happening today, Philip,” Dan demanded, though his voice was so wet with his tears that he feared he didn’t come across nearly as seriously as he wanted too.

Phil groaned, closing his eyes for a brief moment and biting his lip again. When he opened his eyes again, they were filled with tears.

“Well I didn’t think I was marking you up for your parents,” he spit out, his voice wobbling. “I thought something had happened with someone. Or - like, someone was pushing in on our relationship, trying to get with you, or something,” he explained. His voice was shaking hard enough that Dan wanted nothing more than to tell Phil to stop, if it meant not having to hear his agony. But Dan needed to hear this, and Phil needed to get it out.

“Fuck, Dan, I don’t know. You weren’t exactly forthcoming this morning! You wanted me to mark you up, to show someone you were mine! What the hell was I supposed to think?” Phil asked, shoving his hands through his fringe, and grasping onto his roots a moment later. Dan watched as Phil yanked on them, eyes falling closed as he started to cry again.

“I thought - I thought - I thought you were trying to decide whether or not you should stay with me.”

Dan’s heart absolutely broke. That was the last thing he’d been expecting to hear from Phil. Not even for one moment had Dan considered Phil might think that of all things.

His mouth fell open, but before he could even think to respond, Phil cut him off.

“You asked me to give it to you rough, Dan,” Phil said, pulling his hands free from his hair, and opening his eyes to stare imploringly up at him. “And then you wanted to have sex again, and I just - I couldn’t help thinking you were trying to test me, or something. Like you wanted to know how good I could give it to you, or, or -”

Phil’s voice cut off as he inhaled sharply.

“I thought you’d found someone else who could - who could - help you finish,” he said, gasping. “That you didn’t need me anymore, or like - like that’s all this was for you, that I was just -”

Dan whimpered, horrified at the very idea of Phil not knowing that he was so much more than sex for Dan, but Phil just continued to talk over him.

“And then there was cuddling, and you woke me up with a blowjob, and I - I - I didn’t know what the hell was going on.”

Suddenly, Phil absolutely deflated. His body sunk back against the recliner as if he were a rag doll that had just been wrung out. Dan watched as he pressed the palms of his hands into his eyes, and pushed down hard.

It took a moment, but Phil eventually let out a harsh gust of air, and pulled his hands away.

“I couldn’t figure out what you were doing. All I knew was… you were asking a lot of me, and you wouldn’t tell me why.”

Dan felt gutted. He knew he’d asked Phil to tell him, but still. It was a lot. And suddenly Dan realized that he’d put a hell of a burden on Phil’s shoulders today.

He never should have expected him to be able carry it, and yet Phil had -at least in Dan’s eyes. Dan had never felt more safe and happy than he had today… it was soul crushing to realize that it had come at the expense of Phil’s happiness.

“God, Phil, I can’t believe -” Dan started to say, cutting himself off in frustration as he realized the words weren’t quite what he’d intended to say. He shook his head, feeling a little bit like he was going to throw up from Phil’s confession. “I’d never -” he tried again, stumbling over his words as he stared down at Phil.

“I’d never cheat on you,” he settled with, the words coming out a horrified whimper.

Phil stared up at him with tears in his eyes, but he nodded with a broken looking smile. “I know, I know, I just -” Phil didn’t finish his sentence. Instead, he grimaced as if he couldn’t finish the sentiment. But it didn’t matter, because Dan understood.

Phil had been insecure, and it had been all Dan’s fault.

“I love you,” Dan pleaded, hiccuping a little. He could feel his voice breaking, and it sucked. It sucked because Dan wasn’t done. “This isn’t - this isn’t just about - I don’t care that -”

Dan stopped and shook his head, staring down at Phil in absolute misery.

“This isn’t about the sex Phil. This,” Dan said, waving between the two of them, “Is about so much more than what you can do to me. Physically.”

In fact, Dan was almost certain that Phil was it for him. He didn’t want anyone else, and as fucking cliche as it sounded, as much as Dan didn’t believe in fate, it felt like Phil and him were meant to be.

“You’re everything I want, Phil,” he explained. “I should have just told you from the beginning,” he whispered, eyes beginning to sting again. “I should have just told you,” he repeated.

“Why didn’t you?” Phil asked, sounding hurt.

“Because I wasn’t ready to talk about it - about my parents,” Dan admitted, biting back tears. His voice was hoarse, so he tried to clear it, but it was a lost cause. He could feel the tears bursting to be released, and he tightened his hands into fists at his sides. “Because I was afraid that if I said it out loud… if I told you...”

Dan’s voice trailed off. He coughed, grimacing, his eyes falling shut.

Phil twitched underneath him.

“If you told me… then what?” Phil urged, his voice an obvious, broken plea.

“Then it would be real,” Dan gasped, releasing a truth he hadn’t realized he’d been holding onto. His shoulders slumped, and he felt himself sway forward as the reality hit him.

Phil’s hands finally came up and braced against Dan’s hips, holding him steady in a way that made Dan feel like Phil was lending him his strength. It was enough to get Dan to lift his head up and look at Phil, tears dripping down his face.

“Baby...” Phil said, frowning. “It is real,” he whispered, his voice soft and so, so understanding that Dan couldn’t take it anymore.

“I know,” he admitted, and his face crumpled as he finally let go, and allowed himself to cry.

Phil didn’t even hesitate. Using his grasp on Dan’s hips, he urged Dan to fall into his arms, and held on tight. His fingers dug into Dan’s shoulders as he wrapped his arms around him, his mouth falling to Dan’s neck where he pressed several gentle kisses, and murmured an array of soothing words.

Dan’s body was wracked with sobs as he leaned into Phil. He could feel himself beginning to relax, however, the tension draining out of him as Phil held him. For the first time all morning, Dan realized that this was what he’d needed all along. He just needed to cry, and be held by someone who loved him and accepted every part of who he was. He needed to mourn what he’d lost last night - any hope of his parents loving him unconditionally.

Sure, he’d needed the other things too. Twelve hours ago, he’d been too angry to even contemplate crying like this, to even contemplate the fact that he’d lost something. He’d just wanted to get revenge, to make a statement, to make sure that his parents would be able to visually see who Dan was, and what he’d done with his boyfriend.

But he’d needed this even more, and now that the wave of pain was crashing over him, Dan wanted nothing more than to give into it.

So he did.

He let Phil hold him tight, and did his best to listen to the sweet, soothing words Phil whispered in his ear, while he cried his heart out into his boyfriend's neck. The sounds he made were probably far too loud for the two sleeping parents upstairs, but Phil never shushed him, and no one ever came down to figure out what was going on.

It was just Dan and Phil, against the world.

“So what now?” Dan asked what felt like ages later. He was still sniffling, and he rubbed at his eyes to get rid of the last of his tears, but he was finally sitting up again, this time wedged into the recliner next to Phil, one leg thrown over Phil’s.

Phil had an arm wrapped around Dan’s shoulder to keep him close. Dan could see that his eyes were red too, as if he’d been crying at some point too, but unlike Dan, he wasn’t sniffling or trying to wipe away the last dredges of his pain. Instead, he just looked determined.

Taking Dan’s chin in his hand, Phil pulled him in close and whispered, “We’ll figure it out,” and kissed him gently on the lips.

#phanfic #phanfiction #phanfictioncatalogue #phandom #phan

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