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davidmann95 · 3 years

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So... Crossover #1: any thoughts?

Anonymous said: You seemed not to think much of Crossover #1 on Twitter. Your full thoughts?

wcwit said: So Cates' Crossover #1, best bad comic of the year or just regular pretentious trash?

An incidental note upfront: What you’re seeing there is the apparently SUPER-RARE SECRET VARIANT COVER I unwittingly picked up at the store - at first glance indistinguishable from the standard cover, the kid getting four-color-fucked by mysterious comic book rays is in fact themselves reading a variant cover of the book, rather than the main cover again in an infinite painting-within-a-painting sort of deal that’s the standard.

So I wasn’t gonna get this: my initial post on the comic and what an obviously awful idea it was back when we only knew half the premise and it was known as Pray The Capes Away actually got some out-of-nowhere traction recently, and I’ve grown rapidly tired of Cates’ Marvel work. Even learning that it was going to be Image’s biggest debut in decades - Jesus fuck, how and why - mostly just made me wish it was Commanders in Crisis getting those kinds of numbers. But Sean Dillon/@deathchrist2000 and Ritesh Babu both got early looks at it and assured me that I, specifically, needed to see the last page, so in I dove. I’ll be posting my reaction to the last page below because I recorded it for their amusement, and below that I’ll talk about said last page. It may surprise you, however, that that wasn’t my main takeaway from the issue.

Let’s accentuate the positive first! This book is gorgeous. Geoff Shaw was terrific back with Thanos Wins, but this is an incredible stylistic level-up aided and abetted by Dee Cunniffe’s colors: it’s rote as hell to say “They mix the elevated and the mundane so well!”, but even beyond the obvious ben-day dots stuff there’s such a tangible sense that the comic book beings don’t belong here, that they’re of higher, misty, platonic stuff and we squishy non-paper-people inevitably crumble and break and bleed in their wake, communicating that big idea so much more powerfully than the actual loads of text on the subject. And if we’re talking good things, I’ll concede it’s possible that there could be subtleties that play out in more interesting ways as it goes on, and that not everything is meant to be taken at face value: a smart friend who actually did like it mentioned being interested in it as clumsy but potentially effective exploration of ‘what if the fun hobby you had inadvertently became contaminated and stigmatized by forces beyond your control?’ In a post-Comicsgate world where we recently ended up inches away from the Superman logo almost certainly becoming a fascist propaganda symbol ala the Punisher skull for at least a generation, that’s a defensible lens to view this book through.

For all Donny Cates’ legitimate talents however, I don’t think an expectation of subtlety is gonna work out with this one.

Okay first off getting into the rest of it the main characters’ name is Ellipsis because “Those three little dots...they can become anything”, so there’s that. More importantly, in the world of this story where comic fans face social oppression after superpeople materialize and fuck up Colorado, they face EVERY KIND OF OPPRESSION: there are clear parallels drawn in here to the violence and harassment faced by people persecuted for their religion, people seeking abortions, queer people, and people of color; this motherfucker even drops a “hates and fears” to let us know comic collecting basically makes you one of the goddamn X-Men. Which in theory could be a purely misjudged allegory rather than stemming from actual, obscenely inflated to the point of disgusting fears of ‘nerd oppression’, except that the book literally opens with a quote from Wertham. If Cates didn’t want to make the message “Hating comics? That’s bad. Like, racism bad”, he utterly, grotesquely failed by inextricably intermingling imagery of real-world bigotry with systemic, deluded fanboy paranoia, at least as of this first issue that’s supposed to meaningfully convey the premise. As a queer dude I think I’m somewhat in my lane to say it’s too blunt and broad and dopey to be particularly offensive, but the co-opting of oppression is what this is rooted in.

The idea of ‘comics good no matter what people think, ain’t it?’ extends to the last traditional local comic store standing in this world: much as superheroes are the primary cause of suffering in this world but the point of the story is still supposed to reveal the beauty in them, part of this is that the comics community isn’t perfect but it sure is great. Which is expressed here via Ellie’s boss Otto, a loveable asshole who yells at people coming in trying to sell the wrong kind of comics to fuck off, but at heart is we’re supposed to understand a good enough dude that the shop he runs is “the only home a lot of (the benighted nerds) have left” (because I guess in this alternate universe the physical stores are still the main hub through which comics fans talk with one another?).

So here’s a story of my very own! That’s me in 2013, it must’ve been some kind of special day because I’m wearing a shirt with a button. I’d at that point only frequented one of what would be my thus far four regular comic shops. The first was a great place, and while to say I had a sense of community there would be overstating it a bit, I was on really good terms with the owner and we regularly chatted when we had the time. When I left for college my store there wasn’t as well-stocked, and for some damn reason all variant covers were double-price, but I got along really well with the owner there too. The third I wasn’t so lucky; the guy regularly behind the desk was never overtly hostile, but clearly wanted to wring my neck every time I asked when a missing comic might get in or if I could update my pull list, and given I’m in the ‘ideal’ demographic for being a comic book store regular and was dropping a solid lump of money there every week, I wonder how others were treated there (the store nearly went under, was saved on the last day of operation by another store that wanted to incorporate it as part of its franchise, then shortly afterwards DID go under and is now I believe a beef jerky place). My current store is fine, I didn’t chat much with the folks behind the counter even before we all had medical incentive to get in and out of places fairly quickly but it almost always has what I’m looking for.

Just because those were my regular stores of course doesn’t mean those are the only ones I’ve ever gone to. About a year before that picture was taken - it’s the closest I could find - when I was 17 my store didn’t have something or another I was looking for, so I head across town to see if another place I had looked up had it. This other place didn’t have what I was looking for either, though I distinctly remember picking up a few issues of Hickman’s FF while I was there since I had foolishly fallen off, hence my remembering the year. I bought a couple issues, but hung around for a bit looking to see if I might grab something else out of a dollar box, setting my comics down. Without realizing it, I’d set my books down on top of another issue, and when I decided I wasn’t getting anything else, I just picked that up along with the rest of the pile and was about to walk out before the owner stopped me. He explained what I had done though assumed it had been deliberate, and because I was a good-hearted little geek I even recall thinking “Well, he’s gonna chew me out, but I guess I deserve it. I’ll try and take this to heart as a learning experience.”

Then he pulled up his shirt a little to show me the gun on his belt. He pointed at the security camera monitors at his desk, and explained to me that if I ever did something like that again, he would have it on tape, and he would pull that gun on me and hold me there while he called the cops.

As it turned out, the comic was free.

The whole thing was so sudden and bizarre and unexpected I didn’t actually freak out until the drive home. It wasn’t until weeks or maybe months later that I managed to tell my dad about the experience, because I *had* nearly stolen a (free) comic and my guilt was mixed in with my nerves and I guess I was somehow too close to register just how disproportionate his response was. It wasn’t until now, nearly a decade later and thinking about it for the first time in a long time as I write this, that I wondered if that might have gone differently - especially living in the midwest - if I hadn’t been a white, squeaky-voiced 17-year-old.

So, minor spoiler, when our cantankerous but well-meaning LCS owner yells to call the cops and grabs and yells at a small kid for pocketing a comic (and later displays fantasy racism towards said kid), I am not filled with nostalgic love for the brotherly safe space that is comic book stores, where this guy while not meant to be seen as perfect is still framed in part as a charming, witty representation of Why We Love These Places, And This Community, And This Genre, And This Medium. Cates is clearly drawing on real time at his local stores, but he equally clearly has a very different takeaway from those experiences than me. And I am, again, in a demographic - white, cis-male, abled, bi but more interested in women, disposable income, a lifelong collector - that the industry and a lot of the guys who sell it to us contort themselves around catering to, even if I had a single very negative experience and later an ongoing low-key uncomfortable one to help disabuse me of any notions of the purity of the dork community. In the world of Crossover as of #1, toxicity is intertwined, deliberately or not on the part of the creators, with what we love on the cosmic and small business scales alike, but at least in the latter case it’s the whole picture that’s beautiful, not any single kernel that needs to be worked on to be dug up.

So underneath is my video reaction to the last page of Crossover #1. Very minor spoilers because I mutter the last two words of the comic to myself, but under the video I discuss said final page and some other scattered thoughts. Whether you read that or not, my takeaway is this: I’m fascinated with wherever the hell this thing is going, I’m glad my dad liked it well enough to want to keep getting it because now I’ll get to see where it heads, but my first impression is that this is at heart meant as cheapass Oscar-bait for people who only read Batman. It’s big and high-concept but also small and intimate! It’s meta and about how great you, the reader are for your consumption, especially the consumption of this! It’s going to be in large part about a forbidden love between a couple divided across impermeable social lines (a couple where they’re a seemingly straight white man and woman, but one likes comics)! Maybe it’ll become Not That, and I’m sure it’ll do at least something interesting along the way because Cates has done good stuff before and there are some inherently interesting big ideas for him to play with here, but for the love of god if you’re thinking about getting this buy Commanders in Crisis too or instead, it’s another new book out of Image about superheroes dealing with the collapse of the multiverse but that one is really fucking good.

So the final page splash reveal is that when the comic book child discovered in here got out of Colorado, which has had an impenetrable energy shield erected around it by one of the heroes for years, she and others were ferried out of there...by Superman, as the narration declares that “This is a story...about hope.” They don’t say the word, but she sketches her savior, Ellie and Otto freak out and go “Is that---” when they see it, and on that last page we see that while a crude drawing it isn’t a rough analogue character, it’s a guy with a cape and trunks with an S on his chest. Surprisingly, I don’t have much to say: it’s just another blunt signifier that superheroes rule and are the best, paired with the most utterly devalued notion as of late of what makes Superman special in ‘hope’. I mean, I’m perversely excited to see whether this is building the entire series on a hook it can never deliver on, or if Cates actually has talked DC into an intercompany crossover; believable given they’ve done a bunch of those over the last several years, and why else would Mark Waid be supervising as ‘story editor’ on this? I guess it’ll shake out one way or another with #6 given Cates has said it “has one of the more epic and — I would argue historic — sequences in comic book history in it.” But I’m far less convinced this is gonna truly go into the meaty question of “What does Superman mean and what makes him unique in this world where superheroes in general are indisputably either failures or monstrous bastards given the scale of destruction their presence has brought about, and he himself failed to stop that?” than as some kind of holy grail of how great superheroes are despite how dang violent they’ve gotten these days for the crew to chase after, whatever additional twist will surely be placed upon it. At least he’s kinda helping an immigrant kid get over a wall, if that’s deliberate?

Random final thoughts:

* If I wrote the opening essay and turned it in in a college course, I would be expelled for plagiarizing Grant Morrison. This is not a joke.

* If mainstream American superhero comics ended January 2017 in this universe, its own last ‘crossover’ was Civil War II, which is hilarious.

* God, please tell me if it takes the dive after all that this isn’t somehow tied into whatever Waid’s Superman project is.

* I wouldn’t normally crap on issues with the finer details of worldbuilding, but A. This is rooted in a nominally ‘real’ world playing by recognizable rules, B. I’m ragging on this anyway so what’s the harm, and C. It’s really obvious. So: Why is one of the racists against the superheroes the guy who loves superheroes so much he’s the last holdout in the entire world still selling comic books about them? How does this modestly-sized shop exist long-term with apparently a significant regular customer base if there are no new comics or even reprints to restock with, ever? Who’s buying the serialized cop/cowboy comics that the U.S. government apparently created pretty much overnight (nobody, it’s just another Wertham dig)?

* The solicit for issue #3 proclaims “Don't miss this one, folks. If you do, it just might drive you...mad.”, so now I fear some kind of Ultra Comics riff.

* “Kids love chains” is the most metal-ass quote of all time and I hate that it’s being wasted as an arc title on this book.

#Donny Cates #Geoff Shaw #Dee Cunniffe #John J. Hill #Mark Waid #Me #Superman #Opinion

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lordessa · 5 years

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Digital Discourse Analysis Essay

Sarah Rogers

In a world dominated by images, our social media has become less of a text based platform, but a society of visuals. Pinterest is the most dominate image-only social media website that specifically creates a board of ideas that inspire people to create and achieve. Pinterest demographics are interesting as they are diverse, mostly women users, between the ages of 18-49, Pinterest is able to cater to many age types due to its easy availability and plethora of categories to cater to any type of interest. The animal community across all social media platforms is huge, especially on Pinterest, but there are few actual Pinterest accounts solely dedicated to animals alone. Because of this, I decided to create a Pinterest account of my dog, a cavapoo spaniel, and see what the outcome would be, and the kind of audience I attract.

It is common to see on Instagram and Twitter dog accounts with millions of followers, but since Pinterest has few original content users, I wanted to create something uncommon and see where it took me with the communities response. I found that original content creators must produce extremely edited, visually appealing, unique images in order to be seen, and that Pinterest, even with its laid-back features, requires original content posters to compete heavily within an app that has millions of appealing images. The more edited my posts became, the more unique I made my captions, the more followers and attention my page received.

Pinterest is a community that values visuals, new trends, and anything that inspires the user to go out and obtain whatever they are seeing, whether it be a hiking destination, an article of clothing, or, like my account tried to accomplish, the perfect dog. There is a huge expectation for Pinterest that I never realized as a user before. The images are so fluent and forever coming, your feed is constantly being refreshed with visuals, and unlike instagram and twitter, the captions are not visible until investing into clicking onto an image if you really like it that much to see it up close. The value Pinterest holds is high quality, aesthetically pleasing or hyper-visuals that elicit an emotional response of therefore need or desire. I found that I needed to make my images highly edited and “trendy” in order to appeal to users and get a following.

A very fluent fact about Pinterest is that it draws in a lot of income for a small scale, simple social media platform. Pinterest has a value of $5 billion, and the average user, according to the Sprout Social article “15 Pinterest Statistics Every Marketer Must Know in 2018”, has a household income of $100,000. Thus, Pinterest has a huge ability to draw in money for its users, a lot of images when clicked on will redirect you to the website in which it is sold at. With more spending power from its users, Pinterest is able to help brands get recognized, and make a huge amount in income. If you find a cute top, the perfect decor item for your house, or even a car that interests you, there is a link to the website that is selling that item. In my case, I found that many of the animal pictures found on Pinterest will either direct you to the official instagram account of that animal, it’s business website to be used in forms of media (movies, commercials, photoshoots), and most interestingly, breeding websites that sell the animal. For owners that are looking to sell their animal in some way, Pinterest is an ideal social media marketing tool. For instance, I found my dog breeder on Pinterest, as I was looking up pictures of Cavapoos. The group of Pinterest functions more as a mass visual marketing tool more than it may appear. When closely examining my life, I have bought many of my clothes, homewear, and other items after seeing them first on Pinterest.

Pinterest has a heavy mode of persuasion. With its carefully edited pictures usually pinned at the very top of your page, your standards while using the app are incredibly high. Their pictures create an emotional response of want and desire, just like instagram, we are seeing images of perfect lives and sparkly objects, just this time, it's more focused on the product rather than the people. The article, “Why Pinterest makes no money but is now worth 3.8 billion”, makes the point, “Pinterest is perfectly positioned for high value, targeted online and mobile advertising. After all, it's a site where people go to pin pictures of what they want to buy, wear, decorate, visit, eat. That can be served up on a platter to advertisers -- they can market straight to the consumers they know want them. Furthermore, they'll be doing the marketing while the consumers are imagining life with similar products.” The ecommerce aspect of Pinterest is what attracts these big brands to produce and therefore take over with miteciosuly edited pictures of items that everyone will want. In the animal world, its deception of being a harmless pleasure of looking at cute cats and dogs works perfectly. Interest inspired me to get my dog and if I were not to have been scrolling through pictures of highly edited cavapoos last year, I wouldnt have a pet. Pinterest is a purchasing planning app in every single way, all of my Pinterest saves are of items, getaway’s, and even food I wish to obtain at some point in my life.

There is no way to really interact on Pinterest, so some users feel as if it solely for marketing, and that they are breaking the bank while using it. There is no direct messaging, however there is commenting featured, it's hard to see and only available when you solely want to see the comments, is such a process that the whole entire app is simply used mainly to see and repin. Pinterest is very much so a personal social media, it is not interactive like other platforms are based largely on, therefore that can cause good and bad responses. A lot of users feel almost bored scrolling endlessly through a feed of products/ things to buy, it's like an extensive online shopping experience, which can become draining. The reason that Pinterest remains so small and a “background” app, is because of its solitary confinement, its non interactive approach. Humans crave affection and interaction with other humans, seeing what your friends are up to on instagram or reading what your family members have to say about the world on Facebook is much more appealing to social media members, thus Pinterest remains an app that struggles with growth, with 250 million active members, compared to twitters 320 million, instagrams 1 billion, and facebook’s 1.7 billion user leading record.

The goals of Pinterest remain fair and realistic, CEO Ben Silbermann does not charge brands to market their goods on Pinterest, but they do for promoted pins. Promoted Pins will be featured on feeds that are frequently interested in whatever specific brand that might be, it will be featured on their feed even if they don't follow the brand. Pinterest has therefore created revenue mainly from brands that use the app as a marketing tool, thus Pinterest will grow into basically a huge online shopping platform, with more interactions for buying and selling than ever before. Most recently, Pinterest has launched a “shop the look” tool that enables users to see different versions of the item they want to buy, from different sellers, “A Pinterest user can tap a blue circle on an element within a Shop the Look pin to pull up recommendations for similar items she can buy from a brand. For instance, if a pin features a model wearing blue jeans and a T-shirt, she can click on the jeans or the T-shirt.” states Digital Commerce 360 article, “Pinterest Dives Deeper into E commerce”. Pinterests goal for expansion incorporates all elements of modern online shopping. Customers do not want to go on a particular website and try to navigate through what they want, in this consumer America, with short attention spans and large spending habits, many do not know what they want to shop for, they just know they want to shop. Pinterest allows users to feel as if they NEED something they didn't know they needed all along, with its feeds that consist of different items, styles, and vibes. The overall goal of Pinterest is to become the most sought after app for brands to sell their products, thus making revenue by charging for featured pins that are spotlighted on every feed across its user base.

I found that my comments on my posts were very buyer-based. With comments such as “where can I buy this dog?” or “what breed is this dog? I have to have it!”, if I were actually using my page to promote my cavapoo in some way, whether it be stardom for movie appearances, sponsorship for pet gear/ clothing, or breeding, I would be drawing in revenue. I had the opportunity to generate an income through simply posting pictures of my dog, which automatically turned him into a product. My pet became a point of interest, he became something sellable. This theme of consumerism within social media reveals a lot about our society and its values. No matter how wholesome we make our accounts, no matter our intent, we will be marketed to or have the opportunity to market. Social media is the future of marketing, it is what will be the main source of sales for companies. Originally, social media was created to connect with friends and family, now, we see adds everytime we scroll through our feeds. Pinterest capitalized on that theme of social media, and made a business from it. Pinterest is just one giant platform of ads, and it is interesting to see how much time, money, and thought we contribute to it. I evaluated my time on Pinterest through the settings app on my iphone, and I found that I spend roughly an hour and thirty everyday scrolling through Pinterest.

It is uncanny how our society is so drawn to marketing and easily influenced by things, the trends in our time are constant, fast paced, and ever changing. Pinterest is so attractive and still standing because it underlyingly mimics societies values. I found through doing research for this paper that everything that I did on Pinterest was to inspire other people to have what I have (my cavapoo). I was unknowingly selling my dog, inspiring people to become pet owners, much like what happened in my case.

After learning about Pinterest's goals, everything made sense, the comments, the followings from dog clothing companies, and the following from other pet pages. Pinterest is a brand based social media, and its values heavily highlight what our society values, too. I felt as if I had to appeal more to my followers with every post, I started caring about they way I edited and talked in my captions. I unknowingly turned my account into a more marketable page for my dog, without even realizing that Pinterest is essentially used for marketing. This explains a lot on how we use any other form of social media, are you posting for yourself, or to get recognition from others for some sort of gain?

Bibliography:

Chen, Jenn. “15 Pinterest Statistics Every Marketer Should Know in 2018.” Sprout Social, Sprout Social, 29 Aug. 2018, sproutsocial.com/insights/pinterest-statistics/.

Stambor, Zak, and Stephanie Crets. “Pinterest Dives Deeper into Ecommerce.” Digital Commerce 360, Digital Commerce 360 | Internet Retailer, 8 Feb. 2019, www.digitalcommerce360.com/2019/02/08/pinterest-dives-deeper-into-ecommerce/.

DeAmicis, Carmel. “Why Pinterest Makes No Money but Is Now Worth $3.8 Billion.” Pando, Pando Media, 23 Oct. 2013, pando.com/2013/10/23/why-pinterest-makes-no-money-but-its-now-worth-3-8-billion/.

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sea-lilli · 4 years

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The story of Ruth

Solomon and I were taking the missionary lessons, and the missionaries signed us up on the caroling list. It was during the holiday season, and a complete surprise to me. Solomon knew it was going to happen, but didn’t tell me.

They knocked on my door, but Solomon had chosen that specific moment to poop. I answered, and was confronted with 20+ Mormons just singing at me. It was super awkward and hilarious, and I wanted to murder him.

Ruth was one of the singers. When I was being awkward and grabbing Solomon, who had finally come out of the bathroom, she shouted out: “HEY! I’m really into tiny houses!” Because the missionaries had told her we were building one. She didn’t just offer to help, she almost pleaded. She said she needed building experience, because she wanted to build one herself one day. Ben agreed. I was skeptical, but willing to give it a shot.

So Ruth helped with building my house. So did the original missionaries, a few rotations of new ones, and a few other stationary ward members. We would schedule days with them and set up different workstations. Solomon would pick the people he felt had more experience, and put me in charge of the ones who had less experience. My group would do easier things, like paint trim and hand up power tools to those doing the more advanced things. It was also my job to keep everybody motivated and happy, so I would make sure everybody stayed hydrated and fed, and as comfortable as possible. I’d also check in with the different groups to make sure everybody was doing well with their tasks.

Ruth always got picked to go with Solomon. She was so dedicated; sometimes it would just be her and Solomon working together with no other people, because everybody else was busy. Solomon liked her: she was a fast learner and knew basics, which wasn’t so common. She also didn’t try to talk to him when he was thinking, something I would do (trying to make him happy, per my abuse experience) and which he hated.

When I would help traditionally with the construction, Solomon would get pretty pissy. He would be so mean to me, because some of the things you need to know to do construction effectively and efficiently are pretty obvious, but I didn’t know those things because I had spent my life avoiding it. It was a trigger for me for Ben to be so mean while building; I grew up with my dad doing construction projects and learned very early that helping him would lead to fighting and being beaten. Teaching was also some sort of trigger for Solomon but I don’t know what for. He hated showing people how to do things, unless they instantly remembered it and applied it perfectly.

Solomon was not patient with me. He was patient with Ruth, though, and with all the other inexperienced Mormons who were helping building the house. He was always like that: able to make exceptions for others and be accepting to them, but not for me. He kind of just took all the aggression out on me that he wanted to take out on everybody. So I avoided actual construction, and stuck to traditional gender roles in my participation: he was appreciative of me catering to him in this way, and he wouldn’t get so angry. Participating in this way made me feel for a very long time that I wasn’t worthy of taking credit for helping with building my house. I genuinely couldn’t help, though. Solomon wouldn’t let me.

I haven’t experienced such belonging in the church since this time in my life. Everybody pitched in to help with my house, when I wasn’t even a member. The missionaries really made an effort to make sure I was included with the activities, and making friends with the other members. They would pick members specifically for me to meet, that they thought I would get along with and like. I wanted to join the church to be like these awesome, selfless, loving people. Their influence on me was strong. They knew exactly where to direct their efforts to convert me, and how to pull my heartstrings, even when I made it clear that I might not join the church. They were helping us for the joy of helping, for serving Heavenly Father.

Ruth in particular really influenced me joining the church, because she would always host the missionaries for dinner, and the missionaries knew that I loved food. They would bring me along to dinners with the people they thought I’d get along with. A lot of the times, that person was her.

Ruth was brusk, though, and blunt. She was a little intimidating for me to be around. In the beginning, I was a little afraid to express any dissent about the church, the way I would constantly with the missionaries. I thought she would snap on me. I appreciated it though, the way I appreciated Solomon’s bluntness. It meant that she was honest and that I didn’t have to guess her emotions. It was clear she was a strong member of the church and really believed what she preached. She commanded respect, even though I knew I thought differently on a lot of topics. She made me try to be better. She was protective from the beginning, a natural mom friend.

She lived with her mom, Ada, who had some health problems. She was a much nicer, softer version of Ruth, but she also didn’t have the boundaries Ruth was so rigid about. I loved her anyway, and tried to help Ruth and her get along, because both parties desperately wanted to. I was Ada’s friend, and helped Ruth by providing that for Ada- one of the problems in their relationship was that Ada was trying to be a friend to Ruth. Ada needed an outlet. I would conspire with Ada with little things, because Ruth could border on controlling with her- out of love, though, always out of love.

Ada and Ruth were both open about mental health. They knew I was taking medication for depression, anxiety and PTSD and they didn’t try to tell me to “pray it away” the way I was used to. Ada told me about times in her life when she had gone to counseling. They both encouraged me attending.

I used to own chickens. One time, my chicken was super sick and required constant around the clock care and food injections. They allowed me to bring her to church, in the lobby, because they didn’t want me to miss. That was such a fun day! I gave her a bath and cleaned off her feathers beforehand, and painted her nails. I also put a chicken apron on her.

She died a few days later. Solomon’s mom immediately said it was because I didn’t pray hard enough. She said that we have dominion over animals and that I should have exercised it, and that it was my fault that my chicken died. The Mormons, by contrast, told me that they knew my chicken was going to heaven, because she was probably one of the only chickens who ever got to go to church. They were kind during a tragedy. They even tried to provide me bible verses to explain to Solomon’s mom why her thought process was wrong, though I didn’t use them.

The day that I decided to join the church, I announced it at dinner at Ruth’s house. The first time that I ever felt “the spirit” was going to spend time at Ruth’s house, and feeling it just coming off of her in waves, questioning her about it, and then finding out she had just had a huge prayer session. They both moved to Salt Lake City though on a prayer, soon after I converted, and we lost touch for a bit.

I picked up the friendship again after my giant healing experience, about a year after I had joined. Solomon was constantly trying to poke holes into it (there’s more issues here at play). He tried to make me think I was crazy for thinking that I could ever just.. be healed, and he would just constantly tell me it wasn’t possible for me to “just pray” and be done with my lifelong trauma impact. I didn’t “just pray,” though. I also went through years and years of counseling, was always researching healing techniques and coping strategies, constantly reading books, doing affirmations, etc. and he would just undermine that.

I reached out to Ruth again, because I needed to talk to a “non-judgemental Mormon person.” It’s what I was told by Spirit– I didn’t realize that’s who it was then, though. I needed someone who had a Christian belief system, who was open-minded enough to just be able to see that my healing COULD have happened.

She completely surpassed my expectations. She was kind, where Solomon had turned on me, and she believed me completely– no edits. I told her about gifts that had started manifesting: seeing the ghost of my ex-boyfriend who had recently died, the intense healing of myself and my animals, all the connections I could see- when I couldn’t see them before due to the depression. She recommended me books to help. We would go back and forth texting over and over. She told me she had just started dating somebody who was into energy healing, and kept talking about how amazing he was, and how I should really talk to him.

I didn’t want to talk to him, because I was married, happily, and I didn’t really have a lot of experience talking to guys who were not Solomon. I thought it was a super weird situation, to talk to a complete stranger, a male, about this super intimate experience that I had had, that my own husband had rejected. Further, I thought it was odd that she would push him so much on me… wasn’t she concerned that some feelings would happen? Or was she just a secure person who was secure with other women talking to her boyfriend? I remember feeling really odd about the whole thing. She gave me his number. It was the start of a life-change.

-Lilli

#process #therapy #writing

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