#I didn’t know about the buffy thing until like 10 minutes ago and my brain is fucking DISINTEGRATING this is NOT real

[thepunkmuppet]

actually genuinely what the FUCK

#my two most precious and beloved and cherished shows are coming back to me when I literally thought they were done forever!!!!!!!!! #gay pirate show!!!! #and nerdy prudes a day after btvs?!?!!!?! #all I do is win all I do is WIN!!!!! #lmao I am loving my very niche and specific overlap of fandoms yes I am aware my taste is exquisite #but seriously WHAT?!?!!! #I didn’t know about the buffy thing until like 10 minutes ago and my brain is fucking DISINTEGRATING this is NOT real #buffy the vampire slayer #btvs #angel the series #ats #buffyverse #slayers: a buffyverse story #slayers a buffyverse story #our flag means death #ofmd #ofmd 2 #our flag means death season 2 #nerdy prudes must die #npmd #starkid #team starkid #starkid productions #the magnus archives #tma #the magnus protocol #tmagp

[andimackshitposts]

Can you write jyrus at cyrus’ house and they are acting all couply in his room and someone comes in. I just want to see Jonah’s reaction.

I’m back from the dead! I’m sure no one will read this, but I feel like I owe it to myself to finish my jyrus prompts….Anyways, I hope you enjoy the story! I turned this into a secret relationship fic. 

It was late on a Saturday afternoon, and lazy late summer sunlight flooded Cyrus’s bedroom. It lit the room in shades of orange, and warmed his skin, as he sat on his bed. His head was leaned on his boyfriend’s–boyfriend, his heart thudded at the thought–shoulder. He leaned up, suddenly, and pressed a kiss to Jonah’s cheek, because that was something he could do now, and grinned. The sunlight caught in Jonah’s eyes as he smiled back, illuminating flecks of gold among the green.  

“What was that for?” Jonah asked, still beaming. 

Cyrus shrugged. “I dunno. Because I can? Because I’m so happy?” He wanted to say because I love you, but he knew it was too soon. They’d only been together a few weeks. Just because Cyrus had been falling for Jonah since the day they met, didn’t mean Jonah was necessarily on the same page. 

Jonah blushed an adorable shade of pink. “I’m happy, too.” And then Jonah moved, pushing Cyrus off his shoulder, so he could lay back on the bed, and motioned for Cyrus to follow. Cyrus did so, nestling his head in the crook of Jonah’s neck, which they’d recently discovered was the perfect fit. Jonah smelled like apricot shampoo and fresh cut grass and it took every ounce of Cyrus’s self control not inhale as deeply as humanly possible. He reminded himself that his pillow would still smell like Jonah later. 

Jonah put his arms around Cyrus and pulled him close. Cyrus loved this, this simply existing in the same space, cuddling and kissing and just. Being. He would’ve stayed in Jonah’s arms forever, if it was possible. But at least they had this time together. At school, things had hardly changed between them, save for secret hidden looks, because Jonah wasn’t out yet. And that was fine, Cyrus knew that coming out was different for everyone, and he was more than happy to give Jonah the time he needed to do it on his terms. But it was still hard. It was hard that he couldn’t talk to his best friends about his new boyfriend, about his relationship. It was hard that he couldn’t hold hands with his boyfriend while they walked down the school hallways. It was worth it, he knew, because Jonah was an incredible person, and being with him, really, truly being with him was the best thing that had ever happened to Cyrus. And it was these moments that reminded Cyrus of that. 

They were lucky, Cyrus knew, that their parents were all accepting and supportive. That was the only reason they had this time together. Cyrus knew he could tell his mom that Jonah was coming over an hour earlier than Buffy and Andi, and she would know exactly what he meant, and she wouldn’t bother them. He was extremely grateful for that. He wished his friends knew, but for now, this would have to do.

Cyrus checked his watch and sighed. They only had about 5 minutes until the girls showed up, or at least, until Andi showed up. She was irritatingly early to everything. Cyrus sat up and started to straighten his hair and clothes, to hide any sign of what they’d been doing for the last hour. 

“Why’d you stop?” Jonah asked, frowning. 

“We don’t have much time before the girls get here,” Cyrus explained. “And if we want plausible deniability that we haven’t been, you know, canoodling, for the last hour, we have to look presentable, alright?” 

Jonah snorted. “Canoodling?” He shook his head. “God, you’re adorable.” 

Cyrus blushed, but stood his ground. “You will not flirt your way out of this. You’re the one who wants to keep this a secret, anyway.” 

Jonah sighed. “Yeah, you’re right, but,” he reached forward and grabbed Cyrus’s wrist, pulling him backwards so he was on top of Jonah, chest to chest, and nose to nose. “Right now, I want one more kiss.” 

Cyrus rolled his eyes, but propped himself up on his arms, and complied. Their lips met gently at first, sending a warmth rushing through Cyrus’s entire body. Cyrus expected it to be a short kiss, but as he tried to lift his head back, he felt Jonah’s hand on the back of his head, pulling him down again, and while he could’ve resisted and pulled away, he didn’t really want to stop, and the more Jonah kissed him, the more he forgot why he wanted to stop in the first place. Jonah’s lips were soft, but firm, and eventually they parted, and he bit down on Cyrus’s bottom lip, eliciting a moan. One of Cyrus’s hands found its way into Jonah’s free hand (the one that wasn’t cradling the back of Cyrus’s head), and he interlocked their fingers. If Cyrus could’ve lived in one moment forever, it would’ve been that. 

“What the hell?” A voice, more than a little irritated, broke them apart. It took Cyrus’s fuzzy brain a moment to process the source of the voice, and once he had, he wished he hadn’t. Because there was Andi, standing in the door to his room, with a hand on her hip, looking…not angry exactly, but confused and maybe a bit hurt. 

“Andi!” Jonah practically yelped, trying furiously to smooth the wrinkles out of his clothes, to fix his hair, as if he could somehow hide what was just happening. 

“Please don’t be mad,” was all Cyrus could manage, anxiety gnawing in the pit of his stomach. 

Andi rolled her eyes and stepped further into the room. “I feel like I just walked in on Jonah cheating on me or something. But I didn’t. Jonah and I haven’t dated for years. I don’t own him, or whatever. He’s a person with agency.” She turned to Jonah. “If you want to makeout with Cyrus, that’s okay. You know that’s okay, right?” 

Jonah nodded, still completely frazzled. “I know, I know. I just, things were always so messy between us, and I didn’t… I didn’t know how to bring it up. I haven’t even told you I’m bi yet! And I just…It was easier to keep it a secret.” 

Andi nodded. “I still can’t believe you didn’t tell me, Cy! You have a boyfriend! And it’s Jonah freakin’ Beck!” She was smiling now, which was a relief. 

“So…you’re okay with this?” Cyrus asked, not ready to believe it just yet. 

Andi rolled her eyes again. “Even if I still had feelings for Jonah, which I really, really don’t, we haven’t dated in years. My feelings about your relationship wouldn’t matter. As it happens, all I feel about this development is happiness for two of my best friends!” 

Jonah and Cyrus let out simultaneous sighs of relief. “Thank God.” Cyrus said, at the same time that Jonah said, “Buffy doesn’t know yet, either.” 

Andi raised an eyebrow. “I’m impressed that Cyrus was able to keep that from her. He must really like you a lot.” 

Jonah blushed. 

“I do,” Cyrus confirmed. “But mostly I just don’t want to take his coming out away from him. It should be his decision.” 

“That’s fair.” Andi nodded. “More than fair, even.” 

“So…” Jonah hesitated. “You won’t tell anyone?” 

Andi made a motion of turning a key over her lips, and then throwing it over her shoulder. “My lips are sealed, I promise.”

“Thank you.” 

“Now, tell me,” Andi grinned. “How the hell did this happen?” 

Cyrus laughed. “Buffy’ll be here soon, so how about we give you the short version?” 

Andi sat down next to Cyrus and nodded. “Short version is good with me.” 

“Well, a little over a month ago–” 

“I’m sorry, it’s been over a month?” Andi broke in. “Are you kidding me? And you’ve been keeping it a secret this whole time? Do your families know?” 

Jonah nodded. “They do. I’m just not ready to be out at school.” 

“You know your friends won’t care, right? Me, Buffy, Marty, Gus, Amber–we’re all here for you. None of us would out you, or judge you, or be anything but over the moon happy for you, for both of you. You both deserve to be happy.” 

Jonah smiled slowly. “I’m starting to figure that out.” 

Cyrus squeezed his hand gently, and returned to the story. “So, long story short, remember when I had to bake all those cupcakes for that charity bake sale?”

“Oh my God,” Andi grinned. 

“Jonah offered to help me, and we finished around midnight, and we were both exhausted, and we all know what Jonah is like when he’s tired.” 

Jonah flushed. “Shut up.” 

“Aw,” Andi chuckled. “Don’t be embarrassed that you have zero filter after 10 PM, it’s endearing, I promise.” 

“So, anyways, he just slipped up and called me ‘cute’ and I didn’t let it go until he admitted that he had a crush on me,” Cyrus felt himself blushing at that. “And I obviously felt the same. So here we are.” 

“That’s so cute.” 

Cyrus blushed further. “I guess it kind of is.” 

At that moment, there was a knock on the door, and they all knew Buffy was there. They heard Cyrus’s mom letting her in, and telling her to head to Cyrus’s room. 

“Hey, Cy?” Jonah said. 

“Yeah?” 

“I think I want to tell Buffy.” Jonah looked at Cyrus nervously. “I think I want to tell all our friends.” 

Cyrus smiled and pressed a kiss to Jonah’s forehead. “Whatever you want.” 

And then Buffy was there, in front of the three of them. 

Cyrus looked at his boyfriend. “You ready?” 

Jonah nodded. “Ready.”

#Andi Mack #jyrus #Jonah Beck #Cyrus Goodman #my fan fic #this fic says Andi and Jonah friendship rights #mine #Anonymous

[spaceskam]

the storm inside him grew

day 10 for @winged-fool! And also the last one that will be on time! The last 3 are taking longer than anticipated, but they’ll still be coming. Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

warning: ptsd, dissociation, angst, hopeful ending, hurt/comfort

ao3

Alex had never felt so shitty and so content at the same time.

He raised his hand that was cupped with water, letting it pour over Michael’s bare chest. The man was deadweight against Alex after having fallen asleep sometime shortly after the beginning of their bath. He was breathing slow and steady, a direct contradiction to the tear tracks on his splotchy cheeks. Alex wasn’t really sure what had caused the crying, all he knew was Michael had shown up at his doorstep in the middle of a storm. He was sobbing and shivering and soaking wet, so Alex pulled him inside without a thought.

“I’ve got you,” Alex whispered, keeping himself from covering him in kisses. He wanted to. Badly. That’s all he wanted. However, he didn’t know if he was allowed. He wasn’t really sure what was happening.

Michael had clutched onto him, sobbing incoherently in between the word ‘Alex’ over and over. Alex had hugged him and tried his best to make it go away, to make whatever was hurting him leave. When that didn’t work, Alex had whispered sweet nothings to him that was usually saved for when day turned to night and defensively rough sex turned into something a lot more personal. Still, that hadn’t worked, so Alex asked what he needed and all he got in response was ‘Alex’. So he brought him to the bathroom.

For all he knew, Michael was still in a relationship with Maria. They could’ve broken up and that could’ve caused the crying, but this didn’t seem like an end-of-relationship breakdown. So they could still be together and this could’ve been triggered by something else entirely. Was this just a long time coming? Did something new happen? Was Isobel okay? Was Liz okay? He didn’t have answers and he didn’t really want to ask. It was easier to be in this bubble of them that he hadn’t gotten in years. Not really, not entirely, not purely.

This was pure.

Buffy’s feet tapped against the tile as she waddled in, staring at them with her naturally judgy eyes. Alex wanted to say ‘what? I’m not doing anything wrong,’ but the truth was he could be doing something wrong, he just hadn’t gotten confirmation and was choosing to be ignorant. Because, if Michael and Maria were still together, this was something wrong. Even though it wasn’t sexual, even though it wasn’t even romantic, it was something intimate. If Michael was Alex’s and Alex found out he went to someone else and took a bath with them to calm down, he would be furious.

He didn’t feel as bad as he should’ve.

“Four years ago, I thought I was never going to see you again,” Alex whispered, pushing a wet hand through Michael’s hair. It was already wet with a mix of sweat and rainwater, so Alex cupped more water in his hands and brought it to his hair. “We had gotten in a fight and you told me that if I planned on leaving again, there was no point in coming back. But I had to leave because I was still in the Air Force and I wasn’t about to get arrested because I didn’t want to leave your bed, so I let you push me away. Maybe some part of me wanted you to.”

Michael moaned low in his throat as Alex began working the shampoo into his hair. He had no idea if he was even awake or not, but he kept on. He’d already fucked up today, might as well revel in it.

“I love you,” Alex said, softer than before, “Even if you don’t love me and even if you don’t want me to love you, I can’t help it. You are in my veins, Michael. No matter what, I am yours. And I’m so sorry about it. I wish I could be someone that you wanted.”

Michael took in a heavy breath through his nose and shifted, laying on his side with his head tucked over Alex’s heart. Alex resisted the urge to kiss his head and poured more water on it instead.

Buffy huffed at him, waddling back out as if she couldn’t even take his shit right now. It was a valid feeling to have. The logical part of Alex’s brain could barely deal with him right now, he was stuck. And, God, he wanted to be stuck.

“I don’t know what’s wrong,” Alex went on, making sure he got all the soap out of his hair before reaching for the conditioner, “But I hope you know you can tell me. Maybe I can help. Or, even if you don’t want to, I’m still here. You don’t need to explain yourself to me.”

He got every inch of Michael’s hair, being extra careful about the side that was pressed to his chest. He didn’t want him to move. When he got it all covered in conditioner, he just stared at him for a moment. And when that didn’t feel satisfying enough, he wrapped his arms around him and hugged him tightly.

“I’ve got you,” he promised, “You’re safe.”

Alex felt the last of the tension fall from Michael’s shoulders.

Getting Michael to bed was a great feat that left Alex feeling sore and out of breath.

He had to wake him up so he could get out of the bath, but being conscious only seemed to reignite the panic in his system and he ended up crying on the floor of the bathroom. Which meant Alex had to listen to it as he dried off as quickly as possible and put on his prosthetic even when he really didn’t want to. But, he did it and dried Michael off before bringing him to bed.

He took a moment to breathe before he dressed them both in nothing but boxers, too worn out to do anything else. Then he took his leg back off and sat on the bed where Michael was crying helplessly into the comforter, his whole body balled up and shaking.

“I hope you’re okay,” Alex whispered, staring at him uneasily. This was too much. He should’ve just let him sleep in the bath.

Alex crawled into bed and grabbed the blanket, engulfing Michael and himself in it. He wrapped Michael up in his arms and held him as tightly as he could. Michael’s face stayed tucked under his chin with his cheek against his heart, wrapped up in him. Again, Alex felt the moment he relaxed. It took weaving his hands through his wet hair and taking steady breaths that Michael unconsciously matched.

“I’ve got you, love.”

Alex stayed awake for another hour or so and Buffy decided she could stand him enough to come climb onto the foot of the bed. It was well past 3 in the morning and things were finally calm which allowed Alex to dose off with the love of his life in his arms.

He couldn’t have been asleep long when Michael woke him up again.

Michael was suddenly aware again, sitting up slow and confused as he looked around the room. Alex rubbed his eyes and gave him an encouraging smile. He wanted so badly to go back to sleep, but he could stay awake to make sure he was alright.

“Alex?” Michael said, voice clear like he hadn’t been sobbing for hours, “What the hell is going on?”

Michael looked almost offended, clearly irritated to find himself, not in his girlfriend’s bed, but in his ex’s. That woke Alex right up, sitting up sharply.

“Why am I here?” Michael demanded. Alex furrowed his eyebrows and stared at him. He just roughly got out of bed. “Where are my clothes? What the fuck happened, Alex?”

“Do you not remember?” Alex asked carefully. Michael scoffed.

“Obviously not. Last thing I remember was I had a date with Maria and then it started storming and suddenly I wake up half-naked in your bed,” Michael said, still searching for his clothes. Alex felt sick as he paused and looked at him accusatorily. “Did anything happened?” 

Alex gulped and his stomach dropped. He pulled the blanket up over his chest, feeling vulnerable and out of place and angry. All he’d done is taken care of someone he loved who needed him and now he was being judged for it.

“No,” Alex said softly. 

“Good,” Michael said, “Where are my clothes?”

“Bathroom,” Alex answered. Michael stormed that way and came out fully clothed.

“Do not tell anyone about this,” Michael all but threatened and then he was gone.

Alex sat frozen for a few minutes, trying to process what had just happened. No processing seemed to make sense. Did Michael simply lose hours of his night to crying to Alex? Did he drive when he wasn’t all there? Regardless, something about it all left Alex feeling horrible and dirty.

He laid down and tried to blink whatever tears that came away. Buffy crawled up beside him, cuddling up and trying to provide the comfort that Michael had. It didn’t really work, but he appreciated the effort.

He just couldn’t figure out what happened.

-

Two weeks passed and Alex hadn’t heard from anyone about anything. Michael never called, Maria never freaked. It was radio silence. He felt it was for the best and tried to forget about it. He was almost successful too.

It wasn’t until he heard a crack of thunder and a familiar panicked knocking on the door that made it clear that he couldn’t forget. Alex tried to ignore it and tried to be the bigger person. He still hadn’t been able to shake how wrong and dirty he’d felt when Michael had left the last time‒he refused to make it worse. He wasn’t going to answer the door.

“Alex,” Michael’s voice called, panicked and scared and desperate and thick with tears, “Alex!”

Alex clenched his fists in his lap, squeezing his eyes shut and tried to breathe. Buffy whined and nudged his leg, pawing at him. He didn’t know if she was trying to tell him to calm down or to go to Michael.

“Alex! Alex! Alex!” Michael screamed, sobbing as he banged against the door. Alex could hear the horrible sounds of him crying. 

“What do I do?” Alex whispered to no one in particular. He needed help. He couldn’t do this alone.

Buffy ran to the door in response, pawing at it and howling in response to Michael’s cries. That felt like all the help he was going to get.

Slowly, Alex went to the door. When he opened it, he found Michael in the same state as he had three weeks prior. He was soaking wet and sobbing and instantly clung to Alex like it was the only thing he could.

“Alex,” he whimpered. Alex had no choice but to hold him right back. He couldn’t just let Michael cry. He couldn’t do it.

Rather than make the mistake of stripping him out of his wet clothes again, Alex simply fetched a towel and wrapped around him. He placed them on the couch instead of the bed. He let Michael curl into him, but he didn’t initiate anything. He refused to do something wrong again. He refused. 

Michael was shivering in his towel, head in Alex’s lap. Alex simply ran his fingers through his hair and tried to tell himself that he wasn’t doing anything wrong. This was fine. He wasn’t doing anything wrong.

“You can’t do this to me again,” Alex told him, “You can’t just come here… You can’t just need me.”

Michael, of course, didn’t respond. Instead of stressing, Alex continued to run his fingers through his hair and try to keep him warm as the crying persisted. The crying only died down when Michael fell asleep, even then letting out small little whimpers. Alex wanted to hold him until every single thing that had ever bothered him went away. He wanted so, so badly to will it all away.

But he was terrified.

This time, he didn’t sleep. Instead, he stayed still until Michael jolted up and looked around. Just like last time, he was disoriented.

“What the fuck? Why am I here?” he grumbled to himself. His eyebrows were furrowed as he bowed his head, staring at the ground in confusion. Alex said nothing. “Alex, what is going on?”

“I don’t know,” Alex said coldly. That awful feeling he got from last time rushed through his body again. This was wrong. He was horrible. This was inappropriate. 

“Alex, I’m losing time,” Michael said, turning to face him. He wasn’t insulted like before which was good. “Second time in two weeks. I don’t remember coming here.”

“I didn’t touch you, you don’t need to worry.”

Michael scoffed and shook his head, standing up and dropping the towel. He stared at Alex, eyes angry just like last time. Alex did all he could to be respectful and, again, he felt horrible. He wanted to curl up and take a shower all at the same time. He was dirty. Bad. Wrong.

“Do you even care about anything but yourself, Alex? Saving your own ass? I’m losing time and all you’re going to do is say that you didn’t touch me? I can’t remember anything!” Michael spat at him, angry at something, someone, and turning it onto Alex.

Alex wasn’t stupid. He knew it was unwarranted. He knew not to take it to heart. And it still felt like a blow to the stomach.

“What do you want me to do? Tell you what happened? You showed up and screamed my name until I let you in. Then you cried yourself to sleep. That’s it, that’s where your time went,” Alex explained, hoping it would make him leave. He didn’t know how much longer he could stand him staring at him like that. All angry and disgusted.

“Just… leave me alone, Alex,” Michael insisted, storming towards the door with his squeaky shoes.

“And what if you come back to lose time here again?” Alex called. The squeaking stopped.

“Don’t let me.”

Alex waited until the door slammed before bringing his knees to his chest and letting his tears fall.

-

“You need to go!”

“Alex!”

“No! I’m not doing this!” Alex yelled. Michael dramatically dropped to his knees, crying and latching onto Alex’s thighs with his head on his stomach. Alex used the door frame to hold himself up, looking up in hopes someone would save him.

“Alex,” Michael begged, holding onto him tightly. Alex peeled him off and then dragged him inside, tossing him onto the couch unceremoniously. Michael reached out to him in desperation.

“We are not doing this again,” Alex said, “Stay on the couch. You can leave when you wake up from whatever this is.”

He knew Michael wouldn’t remember any of this. Right now, he was losing time and losing his mind. Something was wrong, but coherent Michael had asked him to leave him alone. He was doing his best to listen.

Alex didn’t sleep that night. Something about listening to the man he loved wailing for him kept him up.

Sometime around four in the morning, the wailing stopped. Another hour passed before Alex heard knocking on his bedroom door. He didn’t answer.

“Alex?” Michael asked, voice hoarse from the hours and hours of scream-sobbing. Alex didn’t say anything, staying curled up with Buffy and chewing on his thumb. It was worn down entirely. “Alex, can we talk? I know you’re awake. We need to talk.”

“Come in,” Alex said without his own permission. He was tired and worn down from listening to him cry for hours. He just wanted this to stop. He couldn’t take it.

The door creaked open and Michael slowly walked inside, arms crossed as he stood in front of the bed. He smelled like the rain that had coated his skin. He looked pitiful. Alex didn’t sit up, instead cuddling Buffy closer and peering over her to see him.

“I don’t know what’s happening,” Michael said weakly, “But it has something to do with you.”

“Me?” Alex echoed, not even trying to hide how much that hurt. All he’d done recently was hurt, hurt worse than he’d ever hurt in his life. 

“I keep coming to you. I blackout and I come here every single time. That has to mean something,” Michael said. Alex took a deep breath.

“It happens every time it storms.”

“You think that has something to do with it?” Michael clarified. Alex shrugged. “Why would the weather have something to do with it?”

“Has something bad ever happened during a storm?”

Michael scoffed, “I mean, I lost Max. But, still, that was afterward.”

Alex let go of Buffy and slowly sat up. He was slowly but surely piecing things together. Well, some things. “Thunder can sound awfully similar to an explosion.”

Michael wrapped his arms tighter around himself. “What are you saying?”

“Some people when their PTSD is triggered, their mind will go somewhere else to protect itself. Maybe that’s what’s happening,” Alex offered, “Maybe you’re being reminded of Caulfield or losing Max or both. I don’t know. It just sounds like it might be a possibility.”

Michael swallowed and bowed his head, huffing a laugh. It slipped into a shuddering breath as he curled into himself. Alex longed to reach out and comfort him, but he didn’t. Surprisingly, it wasn’t hard. He was so scared to fuck up.

“Okay, okay, so I’m dissociating,” Michael said, nodding, “How do I stop?”

“I don’t know. Therapy, I guess,” Alex said, “But that won’t necessarily stop it. It might just help.”

“So, what, I’m gonna continue losing my fucking mind every time I hear thunder?” Michael asked. Alex licked his lips and didn’t answer. What was he supposed to do? He couldn’t fix this. He couldn’t magically fucking cure PTSD.

“I don’t know,” Alex said.

“Why you, then? Why am I coming to you? What’s so special about you?” Michael asked. Alex squeezed his eyes shut and looked away, his whole body aching in response. What’s so special about you? “Alex, wait, I‒”

“I don’t know how to help you. If you need me to throw you on my couch every time you come here, I’ll do it. I’ll do what you want, just stop fucking saying shit like that to me,” Alex snapped. He couldn’t take it. He felt like a dick for being rude to someone who wasn’t okay, but fuck. He’d had enough. “You keep acting like I don’t have feelings. You always act like that! Ever since we were 17, you act like I can’t be hurt by you! You act like what you say doesn’t matter, but it does! Do you not understand how badly it hurts to hear you act like I’m scum? How horrible I feel whenever I take care of you and then get punished for it? Do you know how many days I have spent disgusted with myself for the way you looked at me? I’m trying my best and I…”

“I’m sorry,” Michael said, voice weak, “I’ve been taking it out on you, but I’ve just been‒”

“You love that word, ’but’,” Alex pointed out, “I’m sorry, but. I know you’re hurting, but. I really love you, but. That erases everything, you know. Nothing’s ever your fault.” 

“Alex‒”

“Just go,” Alex said, looking over at him, “I’ll be here when you’re dissociating, but you can go otherwise.”

Silence. Michael opened and closed his mouth multiple times. He never said anything.

“Okay.”

And he was gone.

-

There was a 98% chance of a thunderstorm.

Alex waited.

The sky turned gray. The air got muggy. Alex went home early. There was a knock at the door before the thunder even began.

“I figured out why I come to you,” Michael said whenever Alex opened the door. He was coherent for now. “It’s because I wanted you then. When things got bad for me, I wanted you. My subconscious is now just… forcing me to go to you.”

“Okay,” Alex said. Michael took a deep breath.

“I’m sorry,” he began, “I’ve been reading about everything and trying to work through it without having to go to a therapist and tell them I’m a freak of nature, and my first step is telling you I’m sorry. I’ve been horrible to you and everyone else. You’re right, I always blame other people and I am so sorry. I’m going to work on that.”

Alex gulped and nodded, “Good. Thank you.”

“And I’m not going to say ‘but’ anymore. You’re right about that too.”

“Okay.”

“And I broke up with Maria,” Michael stated which felt like it didn’t fit the rest of the conversation and Alex furrowed his eyebrows. “I was hurting the both of you and myself, so I think it was for the best. Obviously I still want you.” Alex’s eyes went wide. “Not like that. Well, actually, yes, like that, just not right now. I want… I want to be a better person before I can even try to be with another person.”

“Good for you,” Alex said, “I’m proud of you.”

Then they stood, staring at each other in silence that was awkward. Things were never awkward between them and suddenly…

“What are you waiting for?” Alex asked. Michael just folded his lips in. “Are you waiting for forgiveness? Because I’m not ready to give that to you just yet. You hurt me badly.”

Michael grimaced, but softly said, “No, I don’t expect you to forgive me. I would really, really appreciate it if you could give me the opportunity to make it up to you, though.”

“How do you plan to make it up to me?” Alex wondered. Michael quirked the smallest little smile.

“Just time with you. Showing you that I’m trying to change. And if you don’t want to be alone with me, that’s fine. And at any point you can tell me to stop and I will. Just… please give me a chance,” Michael begged. A loud crack of thunder sounded overhead and Michael visibly flinched. Alex’s heart went out to him involuntarily.

“Okay, you can try to make it up to me,” Alex agreed. Michael gave him a thankful smile. “Do you want to come in? You know, since you might just be coming right back here anyways.”

“Thank you,” Michael said, stepping inside. 

They both sat on the couch and waited. Michael took slow, regulated breaths and Alex silently praised him for it. It was better than nothing. The night went on and Michael never seemed to slip away completely, though his hands were shaky and he got a headache from hell. Alex sat with him through it and they spoke about anything except for the negativities. They spoke until the storm quieted down.

It felt like a successful night.

“You can sleep on the couch, if you want,” Alex told him, “Just come get me if you need me.”

“Thank you.”

As soon as Alex started making his way towards the hallway, Michael added one last thing.

“Alex,” he said, “You never did anything wrong those last few times. The fact that I made you feel guilty and dirty for being good to me when you had no idea what was happening makes me sick to my stomach. I am so, so sorry. I can’t ever repay you for what you did for me.”

Alex paused and took a deep breath. It was the first real breath he’d taken in a while that would actually go deep. It felt good.

“Thank you.”

#my 12 days #malex #malex fic #malex ficlet #michael guerin #michael guerin fic #alex manes #alex manes fic #roswell new mexico #roswell new mexico fic #rnm #rnm fic #my fic

[aspia-leif]

Because I'm completely unoriginal, I'm gonna ask you the same questions you asked me XD Lunar mist, bird of paradise, marmalade skies, lavender dream, heliotrope, creams and sky, tulip, angel's face, caramel kisses, queen anne's lace, sunflower, lilly and finally blazing star.

Really?! Damn. Alright… soooooooo

Lunar mist: Do you like wearing other people’s shirts/jacket?Well… I would like to… But I am fatter than my friends and my last gf so… However, I share some clothes with my mom 🤔

Bird of paradise: What was the best thing that happened to you this month?Hard to say… I’ve had a bad month… I think the best thing was that even if was really depressed, I didnt need to go to the hospital again. I survive by myself.

Marmalade skies: Do you plan your outfits?Absolutely not. Not even for parties like christmas and everything… doesnt mean I dont dress well enough in those occasions… just, I dont plan them until I have to get dressed.

Lavender dream: turn ons/offs? -> Ons: respect, humor, sweetness, when someone cares about me, when someone plays with my hair, respect (yes twice), not a lot of makeup (for both man and woman) and some originality. -> Offs: Bad smell, being mean, being shallow, being bigot/intolerant, poor hygiene.

Heliotrope: Have you ever been in a castle?Yes, but I was too young to really remember… maybe being exposed at ghosts so soon in my life explain why I can feel/see/comunicate with them 🤔

Creams and sky: Whats the craziest/bravest thing you’ve done?I’ve done 2. When I was 9, I’ve dance with a snake around my neck, a female boaconstrictor… really big! And when I was 14, I’ve hold a baby lion in my arms for several minutes. Best memories ever.

Tulip: name 5 facts about yourself.1) I have 3 piercings around my mouth2) I am 5 foots 7 tall (170cm)3) I have a huge library in my bedroom and 2 others in my living room4) I am an asperger asexual lesbian5) I am obssessed by cats

Angel’s face: What was your favorite bedtime story as a child?My mom never read for me… I learn to read at 3 years old so… I used to read Mr Men (Monsieur Madame in french) before falling asleep… and I was in love with Ariel (not the character, but the idea of becoming a mermaid) so I used to read it a lot too.

Caramel kisses: Would you want to live forever? Why/Why not?Hard question… a part of me would to live forever! To see everything, to travel the world, to see the evolution… But a part of me wouldnt… being alive forever? Alone? In marge of the society by default? Idk… seems… sad. Tempting but sad

Queen anne’s lace: Who do you trust the most?No one. Not even myself.

Sunflower: Share a favorite quote.Oh boi. I have so many!! 🤔🤔🤔 here is my top ten (and only from one fandom):1) I dont care! I dont care! Giles! I’m only sixteen years old… I dont wanna die… -Buffy Summers, who just learn that a prophecy predict her death in 2 days. 2) Passion…it lies in all of us. Sleeping. Waiting. And though unwanted, unbidden…It will stir…Open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us, guides us. Passion rules us all and we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love…the clarity of hatred…and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we’d know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms: shuttered and dank. Without passion…we’d be truly dead. -Angelus, after killing the soulmate of Giles, Buffy’s protector.3) I don’t understand. I don’t understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then she’s… there’s just a body! And I don’t understand why she can’t just get back in it and not be dead any more. It’s stupid. It’s mortal and stupid, and, and Xander’s crying and not talking, and I was having fruit punch and I thought, well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch, ever. And she’ll never have eggs, or yawn, or brush her hair, not ever and no one will explain to me why! -Anya after Joyce’s death, Buffy’s mom.4) Dawn, listen to me, listen. I love you. I will always love you. But this is the work that I have to do. Tell Giles…tell Giles I figured it out. And, and I’m okay. And give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now. You have to take care of each other. You have to be strong. Dawn, the hardest thing in this world… is to live in it. Be brave. Live…for me. -Buffy Summers, sacrifing her life for her sister.5) Tara: Things fall apart. They fall apart so hard.Willow: Tara?Tara: You can’t ever put ‘em back the way they were.Willow: Are you okay?Tara: I’m sorry, it’s just…You know, it takes time. You can’t just have coffee and expect…Willow: I know.Tara: There’s just so much to work through. Trust has to be built again on both sides. You have to learn if… if we’re even the same people we were. If you can fit in each others lives. It’s a long and important process, and can we just skip it? C-Can you just be kissing me now? -Tara Maclay, after a coffee with her ex Willow, 2 days before her death.6) The first day of kindergarten, you cried because you broke the yellow crayon and you were too afraid to tell anyone. You’ve come pretty far. Ending the world — not a terrific notion…But the thing is…yeah, I love you. I love crayon-breaky Willow and I love scary, veiny Willow. So if I’m goin’ out, it’s here. If you wanna kill the world, well, then start with me. I’ve earned that. -Xander Harris, to Willow, after the death of Tara.7) Why does a man do what he mustn’t? For her. To be hers. To be the kind of man who would nev— To be a kind of man. And she shall look on him with forgiveness and everybody will forgive and love…and he will be loved. So everything’s okay, right? Can we rest now? Buffy, can we rest? -Spike, after getting his soul back by love. 8) They’ll never know how tough it is, Dawnie. To be the one who isn’t chosen. To live so near to the spotlight and never step in it. But I know. I see more than anybody realizes because nobody’s watching me. I saw you last night. I see you working here today. You’re not special. You’re extraordinary. -Xander Harris, after Dawn realise that she wasnt a slayer like her sister.9) So here’s the part where you make a choice: What if you could have that power…now? In every generation, one slayer is born…because a bunch of men who died thousands of years ago made up that rule. They were powerful men. This woman is more powerful than all of them combined. So I say we change the rule. I say my power…should be our power. Tomorrow, Willow will use the essence of the scythe to change our destiny. From now on, every girl in the world who might be a slayer…will be a slayer. Every girl who could have the power…will have the power…can stand up, will stand up. …every one of us. Make your choice. Are you ready to be strong? -Buffy Summers, who chooses to give to women the power than the men stole from them centuries ago.10) I’ve been alive a bit longer than you, and dead a lot longer than that. I’ve seen things you couldn’t imagine, and done things I’d prefer you didn’t. I don’t exactly have a reputation for being a thinker. I follow my blood, which doesn’t exactly rush in the direction of my brain. So I make a lot of mistakes. A lot of wrong bloody calls. A hundred plus years, and there’s only one thing I’ve ever been sure of. You. Look at me. I’m not asking you for anything. When I say I love you, it’s not because I want you, or because I can’t have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try…I’ve seen your kindness, and your strength, I’ve seen the best and the worst of you and I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You’re a hell of a woman. You’re the one, Buffy. -Spike, after Buffy was betrayed by her friends.

Lilly: What’s something you love watching/reading but you are too embarrassed to admit you do?Oh boi. Do I have to?? 😖😖 I love vampire diaries (tv shows and books). Its so bad its good!

Blazing star: share a secret.🤔🤔🤔🤔 a secret…. hmmm… do I have one?! 🤔🤔🤔 My IQ is 135/100 (100 is the average) but I am clearly stupid 😆😅

[zombiesbecrazy]

Five Times With Feeling - Part 3/5

Summary: Dick has been Batman for a week and it's been nothing but terrible.

Or four times Dick and Barbara watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer together and one time they didn’t.

Written for @batfamcontentwar​‘s #halloweencontentwar. All 5 parts will be posted during the event.

ao3  Part 1, Part 2, Part 4, Part 5

Part 3 - February 2002

“…and I can’t even turn my head in the stupid cowl!”

“Uh huh.”

Barbara smiled a little as she drank her tea and that grin made Dick even more irritated than he already was. He had been Batman for a week and he had hated every second of it. The physical weight of the cape and the psychological weight of the mantle was suffocating and one of his oldest friends wasn’t helping the situation with her barely contained laughter. He knew he was complaining and he had warned her at the beginning that it was all rhetorical and didn’t want her to interrupt, but now he was frustrated that she hadn’t said anything remotely helpful.  All she did was watch as he paced back and forth in her living room. She was probably mocking him in her head.

“You could at least pretend to care.”

“Hey. I care.” Barbara waved at him to come closer and when he did she grabbed his hands and pulled him downwards onto the couch beside her.  She outstretched her arm and Dick leaned his head onto her shoulder and she wrapped him in a loose half hug.  “Sorry. I didn’t think you were being serious. I just thought that it was a rant, that’s all. I didn’t think I was being encouraged to participate. In fact, you specifically had told me not to.” She started to run her hand through his hair and he could feel his body beginning to relax even though his mind continued to race. “This isn’t about being Batman. Not really.”

“It is.  I don’t want to do it. I know I have to because Gotham needs Batman, but I’m a fraud. I’m not him.  Bruce is dead.” He takes a shaky, deep breath and he feels Barbara’s hand still at the sound. “My dad is dead.” A tear slips out of his eye, quickly followed by another one, and he know what is about to happen but can’t do anything to stop it. “Again.” His voice cracks with the last word and it was the thing that broke whatever was left of his emotional control. Barbara pulls him into a tighter hug and begins rubbing his back softly, saying nothing, as he just started sobbing and shaking with the effort; the severity of his reaction actually surprised him which just made it even worse, and he just starts crying harder. Everything that he had been pushing down and putting aside for later came to the surface and was out of his control. He had been so busy trying to hold everything together that he hadn’t really given himself the chance to grieve yet. He and Alfred had spoken at length, but it was when everything was still so new that it didn’t feel real, and now he didn’t want to unload this on Tim or Damian who were both dealing with their own issues about it. Hell, Tim probably won’t speak to him ever again and he didn’t understand Damian at all, let alone know if Damian actually cared that Bruce was gone.  

She’s right, of course. It isn’t only about being Batman.

It had only been a matter of time until he snapped.

Of course it had happened here when he wasn’t on his guard.  When he was in the Clocktower with his ex-girlfriend; the woman that he was still in love with no matter how hard he tried to move on, because despite it all, she always made him feel safe and secure. Being with her was home away from home. The home that his heart felt the safest at.

So he just wept as she held him.

He didn’t know how long his breakdown lasted, but when he finally settled down again and was able to catch his breath he found himself to be lying down on the couch with his head resting in Barbara’s lap. One of her hands was holding his, on top of his heart, the other one was running through his hair and he could hear her singing softly, but he couldn’t place the song.  It was nice. He didn’t want to move. Not now, not ever. Not out of this quiet sanctuary away from reality.

“I can’t be Batman. I’m not Bruce.” His whispered voice now sounded low and raspy and nothing like his own. God, he was tired.

“Those things don’t necessarily have to go together.” Barbara’s tone was soothing and he felt himself calming down even more at her words and touch. She seemed to know that he didn’t really want to talk about his feelings about Bruce himself and his death right now, even though probably he needed to.  He just wanted to focus on something that he could control and fix. He wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed if he could just figure something, anything, out. “You’re right. You aren’t Bruce.  Don’t try to be because you can’t be him. Just be you. In a different suit. Be Batman.”

“With a stupid cape and no peripheral vision.”

She rolled her eyes at him, knowing how much he hated fighting in a cape and how glad he had been to get rid of it the first time. “Think of it as rebranding. You’ve done that before.”

“Creating Nightwing and taking over Batman aren’t the same thing.”

“But if you were to fix Batman, what would you do? Think of Bruce as the original, but you’re the upgrade. Debugged. Rewritten code. Batman 2.0 beta rollout.”

“You’re a nerd, Oracle.”

“That’s why you pay me the big bucks.”

“We pay you?” Barbara gave a little laugh and squeezed his hand a little tighter. “I can’t just be me though. That’s Nightwing.” Dick had no idea how to move forward as Batman because every time he thought about it, he knew everyone would immediately know that it was him in the suit; little Nightwing playing dress up in big, bad Batman’s clothes. He tried to meet Barbara’s gaze, and the corner of his lips perked up a little when he saw the faraway look in her eyes.  The look that meant that her brain was moving so fast that even if she told him what she was thinking that he wouldn’t be able to follow. He knew a lot of geniuses, but she was just on a whole other level of processing.  

After a few minutes of silence, Barbara’s fingers stopped moving through his hair. “You know what would scare me if I was a criminal who came up against Batman?”

“Most things.  Bruce was menacing, with the size and the voice and the glare… Are you planning on becoming a super villain?” He was trying to lighten the mood, but in reality, he knew that she would be a terrifying foe. She would be able to take down a small country from her laptop and disappear before they even knew there was a problem.

“That’s it though. He was predictably scary.” She finally looks back at Dick and she has a twinkle in her eye, and he knew that she had a plan. Or at least the start of a plan. “A Batman who wasn’t afraid to smile would be terrifying.”

Dick laughs, because what else can he do?  She’s being ridiculous. “What?”

“Think about it. I’m a Penguin goon and I run into Batman.  Batman looks at me, and instead of grunting at me and throwing the usual right jab to break my jaw, he just smiles. And waits. Personally, I’d be more concerned about that. Why is Batman smiling? What is he thinking about doing to me that is making him smile?” Barbara gives Dick a little half shrug, “That confusion alone would scare me at least.”

“Isn’t that a little… Jokerish?”

“Maybe, but I think its a little Dick Grayson-y as well.”

“Thank you for comparing me to that monster.”

“Not what I meant.”  Barbara sighs and swallows, apparently trying to sort out her thoughts. “Do you like being out there? Fighting the good fight?”

“What? Of course. I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t.” Sure, some times were harder than others, but he loved what he did, could do, for the city and for its people.

“Well, the Dick Grayson that I know smiles when he’s happy or having fun. He doesn’t even notice he’s doing it all the time. It’s reflex. That shouldn’t have to stop because he’s wearing a mask with stupid horns on it. Take advantage of the fact that smiling might be a little creepy when you can’t see your whole face. I don’t quippiness is a great idea but you don’t have to lose who you are completely when you’re in the suit.”

“They’re ears, not horns.”

“Whatever.” She starts moving her hand again and he closes his eyes as her fingers move in slow circles, and hears himself humming quietly with the motion.  “Not that long ago you told me to pivot. You need to take your own advice, Bat Hunk. It’s just something small that might make stepping into those big boots a little less daunting.”

Pivot. Pivoting was less daunting that starting over. Pivoting he could handle. What she was saying was making sense and it even wasn’t that hard to do. He couldn’t be Bruce, but he could be Batman. He could act the part with some changes.  Maybe he could talk to Alfred and see if they could make the cape a bit lighter, so that he didn’t feel like it was pulling him backwards. He probably could try and do less flips in the field as well and work on his offense.

Suddenly, being Batman wasn’t such a big deal. But he had another bigger problem. A 10 year old assassin type problem.  “What am I going to do about Damian? I can’t send him back to Talia and the League.”

Barbara seems surprised by his question. “You made him Robin.”

“And I’m already questioning myself.” Dick sighs and he can feel the pressure building up again in his chest and he’s getting worked up again.  This is the thing that has been stressing him out the most. He could handle training a new Robin, but this was so much more than that. “I can’t raise a kid, Babs.  And I definitely can’t raise that kid.” So reactive, arrogant and murderous. Dick had no idea what to do with Damian.  The kid would probably kill him in his sleep after some perceived slight.

“You can and you will. You already made that choice and you can’t go back on that now.” Barbara’s voice was firm and borderline angry, and Dick had the feeling that if he hadn’t just had an emotional breakdown on her couch that she would have slapped him. He probably deserved it. She paused, and must have seen something in his face, and she softened her tone. “Alfred will help you, just like he helped Bruce when he took you in. Damian needs you, Dick. More than he’s going to let you know.” He knew this, in his mind and his heart and gut.  The situation was very different, but he knew a little bit about being a kid who had everything change on him overnight and needing someone to look after him. There was no way that he would abandon Damian or send him away. He was just scared. Dick swallowed and nodded slightly, and Barbara continued, “All of us will help; you just have to ask for it when you need it. I know you aren’t good at that, but try.”

Dick started to protest, but Barbara shut him up with a quick glare. She was right, of course. She knew that more than almost anyone. “The thing that I didn’t really notice about Bruce until I was Oracle was that for a man who was always insisting that he worked alone, he has the biggest support system of people around him out of the entire League. And those same people are there for you as well. Probably more so.”

“You hate Damian.”

“I don’t know him enough to hate him. I’ll admit I don’t like him too much so far but that doesn’t matter.” She tightened his arm that was across his chest a little bit and he could tell that she was trying to press her words into him. To make them stick even if he didn’t believe them. “You’re the heart of our weird, little family, Dick. We love you. We won’t let you drown in this.”

“I’m the one who’s going to let everyone drown.” Dick finally pulls himself upright and sits beside Barbara on the couch, staring at his hands resting in his lap. “I have a hard enough time looking after myself and I’m barely able to be a fully functioning adult on a good day. It’s like I’m always running in quicksand; I keep going until eventually I find myself completely submerged without knowing it was happening to begin with.” Dick’s mind is a blur, thinking of all the times that he’s let someone down. Failed them. Disappointed them because he just wasn’t good enough or fast enough. When someone got hurt or worse because of something he had decided or done or missed and this was all just too much. He just felt empty at this point. “I’m pretty good at screwing up my own life. I can’t be responsible for another human. Or an entire city.” He finally turns and stares into Barbara’s green eyes and thinks of all the mistakes that he’s made with her. “I couldn’t even find a way to make us work and we’re perfect.”

“You and I are many things Richard Grayson, but we are not perfect. And it took the two of us to make it not work out last time.” Barbara leans forward, places her hand on his cheek and gives Dick a soft kiss that is both too long and not long enough and makes him feel unraveled all over again. He can feel how much she cares for him in such a small move, but he knows that this conversation won’t end the way he wants it to. “I love you.” Her voice sounds sad and he can hear the ‘but’ in the air even though it goes unsaid. “You have so many balls in the air. I just can’t be one of them. You have a 10 year old to mentor and raise, a city to protect and probably a lot of Wayne Enterprises things to focus on that you aren’t even thinking about. Baby steps. Pivot and prioritize. You need to focus on what matters most and right now that isn’t us.  When you need me, I’ll help you figure out that stuff first, as your friend and as Oracle. When you have all those things sorted, we’ll talk.” She reaches up and brushes her thumb against his cheek, apparently brushing away another tear that he hadn’t realized had slipped out. “Damian, Batman, Wayne Enterprises. In that order. We’re the easy part. Save it for later.”

All he could do was nod. He still felt incredibly overwhelmed, but he did feel better about it. It was weird to feel so depressed and full of hope at the same time. His brain and heart felt full. “Can we watch some TV and just ignore the world for a little bit? I’m not ready to go home.” Tomorrow. He’d start on his new plans tomorrow. Now he just needed his mind to turn off for a while and be comfortably numb.

“Of course.”

“Buffy.”

“Even though it’s not Tuesday?” Dick nodded again.  “Sure.”

He gets up, finds what he’s looking for on her shelf and pops a random season three disk into her DVD player and then makes his way into Barbara’s kitchen to make some more tea. He leans against the counter while waiting for the water to boil. He felt better than he did before, but exhausted. He can do this, and it doesn’t have to be by himself. His family can help him. Barbara will help him.

He isn’t alone.

Tea made, Dick heads back into the living room, setting the drinks down on the coffee table and he sits back down on the couch.  He pulls Barbara close against his side and gave her a kiss on the top of her head, taking in the scent of her hair, watching the beginning of the prom episode start on the screen. A good choice - it meets his current mood of sad but optimistic. She relaxes into his embrace, and Dick can’t help but smile to himself. He can do this. They can do this. They’ll all be okay.

He gives her a small squeeze and she snuggles into him further. “You still my girl?”

“Always.”

#halloweencontentwar #barbara gordon #dick grayson #oracle #batman #dick!bats #buffy the vampire slayer #fanfiction #batfic #I toe the line with genfic

[aububuh]

All the asks!!!

1. If you didn't have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time?  - Assuming this means I would never be tired, I would just feel better in general.  I’d probably watch more movies and write more music or something.

2. What is your favorite piece of clothing you own / owned?  - My Pipco shirt has done good things for me.

3. What hobby would you pick up if time & money weren't an issue?  - I would play like every instrument.

4. What does your perfect room look like?  - High ceiling, no standing waves or nodes, world’s greatest audio playback equipment, a wall of guitars, an opposite wall of keyboards, and a drumkit.  Oh, and a bed I guess.

5. How often do you play sports?  - NEVER

6. What fictional place would you like to visit?  - A place I’d be good with just going once would be the Room of Requirement from Harry Potter, just to see the generations worth of crap that people left there.  (yes i know it got burned down just pretend it didn’t)

7. What job would you be terrible at?  - I mean I quit Whataburger after like a day, so.

8. When was the last time you climbed a tree?  - Maybe a few months ago?  I’m not sure.

9. If you could turn any activity into an Olympic sport, what would you have a good chance of winning a medal for?  - Staying up too long.

10. What is the most annoying habit that you or other people have?  - Maybe that I pick my nose?  I don’t get how it’s all that annoying though, and it makes my face feel better.

11. What job do you think you'd be really good at?  - Anything where I complete entertainingly challenging tasks and don’t have to talk to strangers.

12. What skill would you like to master?  - Microphone placement.

13. What would be the most amazing adventure to go on?  - I want to go to Frank Zappa’s old house and see the studio.  It would have been even better a year ago when all his stuff was still in it, but I still want to be in the space.

14. If you had unlimited funds to build a house to live on for the rest of your life, what would the finished house look like?  - Approximately like Zappa’s house, with a badass studio and comfy areas to just exist.

15. What's your favorite drink?  - Water

16. What state or country do you never want to go back to?  - I think I was in New Jersey for about half an hour once.  Never again.

17. What songs do you have completely memorized?  - Most Frank Zappa songs

18. What game or movie universe would you like to live in?  - Star Trek, but the TV version.  

19. What do you consider to be your best find?  - I found the Grim Fandango soundtrack at a thrift store for 25 cents once.  It goes on ebay for like $60.

20. Are you usually early or late?  - I am early for everything.  Sometimes too early.  I can’t stand being late.

21. What pets did you have when you were growing up?  - A series of fish that all died.  The last time I had fish, one of them got hurt, and then the other one ate him.

22. When people come to you for help, what do they usually need help with?  - Either my mom needs me to tell her how to do a really simple computer thing, or my friends need me to give advice on relationship troubles or something.

23. What takes up too much of your time?  - When I waste time spacing out instead of doing a concrete thing that requires any kind of time investment.

24. What do you wish you knew more about?  - Rudy Van Gelder’s recording techniques.  Problem is he’s dead and he never told anybody what he did.

25. What would be your first question after waking up from being frozen for 100 years?  - “Did The Rage And The Fury ever come out?  No?  FUCK”

26. What are some small things that make your day better?  - I like when my friends send me stuff that made them think of me.

27. Who's your go-to band or artist when you don't know who or what to listen to?  - Spirit Phone by Lemon Demon is pretty much my go-to album.

28. What's the best way to start the day?  - Sleeping.

29. What TV shows do you like?  - Currently airing, pretty much just Steven Universe and Orphan Black.  Apart from that, Buffy, Hannibal, and Star Trek: TNG are all favorites.

30. What TV channel doesn't exist but really should?  - One that airs things I might want to watch more than a few times every couple months.

31. Who has impressed you most with what they've accomplished?  - Frank Zappa, Barack Obama, and the friends of mine who have to deal with their brains yelling at them.  All of them are badasses.

32. What age do you wish you could stay at permanently?  - Preferably none.  I think every year I become a better version of myself, and I don’t want that to stop.

33. What TV show or movie do you refuse to watch?  - If I hear about a thing that’s popular but like super demeaning in some way like Split or whatever, I’ll avoid it forever.

34. What's your ideal way to spend a weekend?  -  Sleeping late and doing something productive that’s not related to school.

35. What is something that is considered a luxury, but you don't think you could live without?  - Good audio playback equipment.  I can’t stand using headphones for more than like an hour or two at a time, and good speakers sound better anyway.

36. What is your claim to fame?  - I posted a thing about Wedge Antilles once.

37. What is something you enjoy doing the old-fashioned way?  - I totally prefer recording a whole band in a room to tracking everything individually.  I do it myself because I don’t usually have other people to play with, but for other people’s music it’s just more fun when I’m capturing a live performance.  It’s how so many classic recordings were done, but it’s so uncommon these days and that kinda bums me out.

38. What's your favorite book or movie genre?  - Sci-fi I guess, but I tend to really like stuff that bends genre in amusing ways regardless of the genre it’s bending.

39. How often do you people-watch?  - Whenever I feel like I can get away with it.

40. What have you only recently formed an opinion about?  - I realized last week that the US Democratic party is what a centrist party should be; everything is just so skewed to the right that they seem liberal by comparison.  I wish we had a real liberal party that was able to compete on the national stage, but we’re never going to get away from the two party system until we change a whole lot of shit.

41. What's the best day of the year?  - The best day of this year was when I saw Mike Keneally with my buddy Moped.  Possibly the best day of my life? 

42. What subject interests you that not many people have heard of?  - I would say not enough people have heard of Frank Zappa, or at least have checked out enough of his music to have a real opinion on him.

43. How do you relax after a long day of work?  - Work for me is usually doing sound for rock bands, typically until pretty late at night, so I just crawl up in bed and read dumb shit online until I drop all the energy I build up from working.

44. What's the best book series or TV series you've ever read or watched?  - Hannibal for TV.  I need to read the books.

45. Where is the farthest you've ever been from home?  - Latvia for 5 months in 2014.

46. What's the most heartwarming thing you've ever seen?  - Idk, probably some sappy romance in a show I like.  I’m a sucker for that sort of thing.

47. What is the most annoying question people ask you?  - This one.

48. What could you give a 40-minute presentation on with no preparation?  - Frank Zappa, or any number of subcategories about him.  The evolution of his guitar tone, the influence of his favorite music on his own work, his history of band members, etc.

49. If you were the dictator on a small island nation, what crazy dictator stuff would you do?  - I’d do REALLY crazy shit like guarantee everyone human rights.  Unless they’re nazis.  Frankly I have no idea why this is crazy, but some Americans would tell you it is.

50. What is something you think everyone should do at least once in their lives?  - Listen to Frank Zappa.  JK, he’s not for everyone.  Everybody should go hear a band they love play live though.  There’s nothing like it.

51. Would you rather go hand gliding or whitewater rafting?  - HANG GLIDING FUCK YEAH

52. What's your dream car?  - A self-driving one.

53. What's worth spending more on to get the best?  - Right now I’m researching acoustic treatment so my speakers won’t sound like crap in my bedroom, so I’m gonna go with that.

54. What is something a ton of people are obsessed with, but you just don't get?  - One night stands tbh.  I’m demisexual, so it just sounds awful and gross.  I’m glad other people enjoy them though.

55. What are you most looking forward to in the next 10 years?  - Making a living at the thing I do.

56. Where is the most interesting place you've been?  - In terms of experiencing culture, Latvia.  I’m so glad I got to absorb all that information from talking to people, and it gave me a more direct experience with the after effects of totalitarianism than many Americans *coughtrumpvoterscough* have ever been exposed to.

57. What's something you've been meaning to try but haven't gotten around to it?  - Fried ice cream.  I’ve been fascinated by the concept since I was a kid.

58. What is the best thing that happened to you last week?  - I SAW MIKE KENEALLY AND HUNG OUT WITH MY FRIEND MOPED

59. What piece of entertainment do you wish you could erase from your mind, only to experience it for the first time again?  - I honestly get more enjoyment out of media when I’m experiencing it for subsequent times, so none.  I love rereading books, rewatching movies, and listening to albums enough times to memorize every note.

60. If all jobs had the same pay rate and hours, what job would you want to have?  - The one I have but more often.

61. What amazing thing have you done that no one was around to see?  - Released music on the internet.  4 people downloaded my last single.

62. How different was your life 1 year ago?  - About the same but harder.  College has been getting easier for me since I’ve gotten used to it.

63. What quirks do you have?  - My chin is lopsided and my left arm sticks out at an angle.  As far as personality quirks, I have about as many as the average person, which is to say too many to list.

64. What would you rate 10/10?  - Spirit Phone by Lemon Demon, One Size Fits All by Frank Zappa, and the Rite of Spring by Igor Stravinsky.

65. What fad or trend do you think should come back?  - Recording live bands in a room together!

66. What is the most interesting piece of art you've seen?  - I’ve seen tons of great art, but today I saw this thing that was like a giant inflatable tent that let sunlight through and turned it into different colors.  Check this out.

67. What kind of art do you enjoy most?  - I have no idea how to define my taste in art, I just like something or I don’t.

68. What do you hope never changes?  - I hope Lemon Demon albums keep coming out.  I don’t know how you could top Spirit Phone though.

69. What city would you most like to live in?  - Somewhere in California might be fun.

70. What movie title best describes your life?  - It Might Get Loud

71. Why did you decide to do the work you are doing now?  - Because I’m good at it and it’s damn fun

72. What's the best way a person can spend their time?  - Making themselves happy in a positive way.

73. If you suddenly became a master at woodworking, what would you make?  - A badass guitar.  Possibly something like Jerry Garcia’s Wolf with a billion knobs and stuff.

74. Where is the most relaxing place you've ever been?  - My bedroom

75. What's the luckiest thing that has ever happened to you?  - I SAW MIKE KENEALLY WITH MY BUDDY MOPED AND WE HUNG OUT WITH THE BAND FOR A MINUTE

76. Where would you rather be from?  - I’m technically from New York, but I was 3 when I moved so it doesn’t really matter where I’m actually from.

77. What are some things you've had to unlearn?  - I mean there’s the obvious ones like racism, sexism, being a dick in general, but also I had some bad audio habits that I’ve had to kick.  I always have to force myself to mix my own vocals loud enough on my song, which led into me doing something similar when I first started doing live sound for other people.  Audiences like hearing what the singer is saying.

78. What do you look forward to in the next 6 months?  - I can’t wait to sleep more this summer.  (This is a reoccurring theme in this ask thing isn’t it)

79. What website do you visit most often?  - Tumblr is probably the one I spend the most overall time on, but I usually split my time fairly evenly.  I look at Facebook a lot, but usually not for more than a few moments at a time.  I read a decent amount of Twitter, but I almost never tweet anything.  I also like looking at instruments for sale on Craigslist.  

80. What one thing do you really want but can't afford?  - Probably some guitar or keyboard.  Shit, if I could I would have every instrument ever.

81. Where do you usually go when you have free time?  - My bedroom.

82. Where would you spend all your time if you could?  - My bedroom.

83. What's special about the place you grew up?  - I have a really nice bedroom.  It’s changed a lot depending on what I use it for at the time, but it’s been the same color since I picked it out when I was 4.

84. What age do you want to live to?  - I’m good with whatever life gives me.  I could live to 100 but I wouldn’t be too peeved if I died next week.

85. What are you most likely to become famous for?  - My dream is to be that producer at the Grammys who called Taylor Swift on the phone from the podium to say their album won.  That was the coolest.

86. What are you absolutely determined to do?  - Someday I want to do a really awesome orchestral recording.  I don’t even care that much what the music is, I just want to do that.

87. What is the most impressive thing you know how to do?  - I can make bands of old dudes who are wary of a spunky young sound person like me by making them sound as good as possible.

88. What do you wish you knew more about?  - Drum overhead placement.

89. What question would you most like to know the answer to?  - How the heck do I get that clean tone that Zappa had in 1988.  

90. What question can you ask to find out the most about a person?  - “Why did you vote for who you did in 2016?”

91. When was the last time you changed your opinion or belief about something major?  - I feel like most opinion changes happen so gradually that they’re hard to notice, so I have no idea.

92. What's the best compliment you've ever received?  - I really like when people compare my music to Zappa without knowing that I love him as much as I do.

93. As the only human left on earth, what would you do?  - Find the Zappa vault and listen to everything, then die.

94. Who inspires you to be better?  - My friends, who are all awesome.

95. What do you want your epitaph to be?  - “Eh, good enough I guess”

96. What haven't you grown out of?  - Shirts I had when I was like 14, interestingly.

97. In what situation or place would you feel most out of place in?  - Any social event with tons of people I don’t know and where I don’t have a friend keeping me company the whole time.

98. What's the dumbest thing you've done that actually turned out pretty well?  - I made a tumblr, which has given me multiple good friends.

99. If someone wrote a book on an event in your life, what would the book be about?  - Idk, that would be a pretty boring book for anyone who didn’t know me.

100. What's something you will never do again?  - Talk to this one asshole.

101. How do you hope you'll change as a person in the future?  - I want to like myself more.

102. What keeps you up at night?  - Usually the internet.  On more fun nights, conversations with friends.

103. What's the most surprising self-realization you've had?  - “Oh shit, 14 year old me was a fuckin’ asshole”

104. What is the most illegal thing you've ever done?  - nah

105. How do you get in the way of your own success?  - I’m not as proactive about looking for work as I probably should be.  Same with getting ahead in school.  I tend to put in just the work that will get me by in my classes, and I don’t really pursue any extracurricuals or anything.

106. What are you afraid people see when they look at you?  - Acne some nerd who talks about stuff they don’t care about

107. What is your biggest regret?  - nah

108. What do you look down on people for?  - Being children.  Not like, I think badly of them for being childish, I mean I have to literally look down at kids because I’m taller than they are.

109. What bridges do you not regret burning?  - There’s a couple I should have burned sooner, but one of them I just had no idea who he really was for the longest time.

110. What lie do you tell most often?  - “I can sing”

111. What would be your spirit animal?  - Isn’t this appropriation or something?  I’m not completely clear on this one so somebody let me know.

112. What is the best & worst thing about getting older?  - Best is being a smarter, better version of myself.  Worst is taxes.

113. What are you most likely very wrong about?  - I believe that the US has a fundamental promise of hope.  

114. If you had a personal flag, what would be on it?  - Idk, designing flags is hard.

115. What's happened that changed your view on the world?  - November 2016 made me doubt 113.

116. What is the biggest lesson you've learned?  - There are more terrible people in the world than I hoped.

117. What is the most immature thing you do?  - I still think fart jokes are more often hilarious than they are bad.

118. What are you famous for among your friends & family?  - Existing?

119. If your childhood had a smell, what would it be?  - Cheese, then the absence of cheese, then lots of cheese.

120. What one responsibility do you wish you didn't have?  - I support the institution of taxation as a necessary part of running a functional government, but I wish I didn’t have to pay 15% as a freelancer.

121. What are 3 things you want to accomplish before you die?  - Record an orchestra, Have somebody heard of me by reputation who’s not a friend of a friend or something, and have dinner with Joe Travers.

122. What do you want to tell your 10-year-old self?  - “You’re gonna like music more than acting, so you might as well get a head start.”

123. What's the best thing you got from your parents?  - I’d like to think I have at least some of my dad’s work ethic.  I definitely have his sense of humor.

124. What's the best thing about you?  - I’m good at talking with people.

125. What blows your mind?  - There are over a hundred Zappa albums.

126. Have you ever saved someone's life?  - Not directly

127. What are you really good at but embarrassed to be good at?  - Honestly can’t think of anything.  Ask me later.

128. What would a mirror opposite of you look like?  - Clear skin, bad taste in media, shitty friend, makes a living.

129. What are 3 interesting facts about you?  - I’m tired, I should go to bed, and I think this is an absurdly long ask thing.

130. Which of your scars has the best story behind it?  - There’s a scar on my finger from the first time I ever used a pocket knife.  It was a gift from a friend’s uncle or some such relative, and he freaked out 100x more than I did when I cut myself.

131. What's the title of the current chapter in your life?  - “Now we’re getting somewhere I guess”

132. What were some of the biggest turning points in your life?  - Doing DI, being politely kicked out of DI because I didn’t realize yet that depression was a thing and it was affecting my work, apprenticing at a venue, probably some other, more pleasant stuff.

133. What's the hardest lesson you've learned?  - No matter how far I go at being what I consider a good person, I can always do better.

134. What do people think is weird about you?  - I like some really weird music.

135. What mistake do you keep making?  - Carrying too much stuff at once.  Thankfully I don’t usually drop it though.

136. What have you created that you're most proud of?  My Christmas album.

137. What do you doubt?  - That I’m good at music.

138. What are some of your morals?  - The current president is Bad.

139. What do you want to be remembered for?  - Being a good friend and also making cool music.

140. What do you regret not doing in your childhood years?  - I never got to go to Legoland back when I would have enjoyed it most.  I’d still love to go tbh.

141. What is your favorite fragrance?  - Whatever my friends each smell like, because it makes me think of them.

142. What do you think your last words will be?  “Well okay”

143. Who or what do you take for granted?  - Probably that my parents will always be there if I need them.

144. Why would you be annoying as a roommate?  - Loud music all the time.

145. What is something you're insecure about?  - My face

146. What's the best & worst piece of advice you've received?  - Best is “done is better than perfect”.  Worst is “put that pressure zone mic at an angle from the ground.

147. What irrational fears do you have?  - If a friend doesn’t text me back I sometimes worry that they’re dead.  It’s annoying.

148. What makes a good life?  - Doing whatever it is that makes you happy and leaving a good impression on the people in your life.

149. What's the last adventure you went on?  - I went to McKinney and SAW MIKE KENEALLY 

150. What is the most memorable gift you've received?  - My dad gave me a Gibson SG.  It’s pretty great.

#ask #mopedarooni