#I really hate it. CSA and gaslighting is ENOUGH to be traumatized

[switchcase]

Not going to lie, I did get a bit offended that after saying "academic articles about severe sadistic abuse usually cite Torture That Kills People Slowly and Horrifically and also the Holocaust as examples" I got a follow up question asking if gaslighting and CSA count as torture.

Idk man you guys have GOT to start working on that whole "have to have it really bad to be valid" and trauma olympics shit and this fucked up concept that your history/brain has to be unique and special all the damn time. Cause the minute it leaves your mouth, it affects more people than just you.

When you dilute terminology you make spaces for survivors more difficult to navigate. When you strip language from survivors you are taking away their voice. When you strip the meaning from these words you make it so that people become reactive to those survivors talking about their experiences. Everyone will go up in arms about how gaslighting isn't just pranking or lying but you really think it's ok to do the same thing to other forms of abuse?

#like the fact that people took 'complex DID' and decided um actually I'm even more specialer than CDID I have HIGHLY complex DID #what's the alternative. Saying people have Basic Baby DID? #What is the fucking POINT #the fact that people use a cult term to describe interpersonal abuse is so fucked up to me #I really hate it. CSA and gaslighting is ENOUGH to be traumatized #You do NOT need to be a torture survivor to be fucked up from that #I think I get more upset by it because the way that people navigate this is by implicitly or explicitly putting others down #Anyway I think it's fucked up that RAMCOA survivors for the past few years have been stuck between #People who deny it exists because their knowledge of it is from horror movies and conspiracies #And people who fetishize it to a weird degree #I've literally had multiple people tell me RA and cults are their special interests #imagine saying that about any other abuse type lol #You are all so disrespectful it's obscene #.log

[hellhoundofftheleash]

I blame my dad for everything honestly. And I should. I realize so much would have been avoided if I had a real father. I can’t even get into how badly he fucked me up. Selective mutism and shutting down. Trying to get any out of it out feel hopeless. And that honestly makes me angrier than anything. Like how I would have been able to read & recognize read flags. I would have known unsafe people were unsafe without “learning the hard way” and ending up more traumatized. I hate my dad. I blame my dad. Nothing is the source of my rage more. The source of my self hate and self blame and never feeling enough. Ugh I hate my dad. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I find myself unable to journal, talk about w friends or therapists or anyone as deeply as I need to. I wish to get the words out. To understand them. Everything is pool I’m drowning in, in my head but I can’t tell anyone how high the water is. How dangerous it is. But either way I’m always at risk of drowning it in, most days I am. Resurrecting just to drown again. Tumblr has been helping find a way of expressing shit but it’s really just a matter of my brain and body. I find myself shutting down. Nothing makes me shutdown more than rage actually. My body just locks up and shutdowns. My body burns and muscles feel as if they’ve run a marathon. Even now as I’m in a smaller shutdown. Tumblr helps kinda bc texting is easier mode of communication in certain shutdown states. But I have nowhere I safely bring my thoughts. Now where feels safe. I find myself stuck. My body boiling and burning. Feeling sick profoundly. Whole body experiences pain. I am like stone. Burning magma at my core. But cool exterior somehow containing everything. But there’s so much I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to talk about and open up about. It just makes me so fucking angry. I hate more than just my dad. I hate everyone that’s ever hurt me. Abused me. Used me. But if my dad wasn’t the actual narcissistic psycho he is, I would have had a supportive space for csa I experienced. I would have experienced all the trauma be put me thru. But I would have known what safety looks and feels like, this would helped me stay safe. Instead he taught me to associate gaslighting, narcissism, abuse, pain, and self-sacrificing with home.

#trauma dump ?

[callmeallistair]

/// Vent ///

I had to visit my hometown for some errands on friday and had a really bad feeling that I was going to see someone I didn't want to see ever again. I was right.

I'm not even sure if you recognized me or not, but I sure as hell recognized you. You stood behind me at the bank and afterwards walked by you sitting in your car blowing your nose and we had brief eye contact, my Trauma Brain instantly translated it into you crying.

I hate that just seeing you makes me feel guilty for existing. Like I was still that terrible child you were ashamed of. That just seeing you triggered me so badly that I don't even remember going to the store after that or how I got home.

When I relized I was at home again I felt like a literal toddler, I crawled under my bed and had a full on panic attack and wanted to die again. Like my life is not worth living without your approval. It sent me straight into a spiral of shame, selfhate and dissociation and I'm still not completely out of it, but at least I can rationalize again.

It's so confusing to me that it sometimes feels like your emotional abuse and neglect fucked me up more than the CSA your partners did to me, because it affects my daily life more than I'd like to admit.

I don't know for sure because my childhood memories are foggy at best, but I think you knew what they did to me. That you projected your guilt and disgust onto me instead of saving me, because you are broken too and didn't want to lose your partners, even at my cost. You guilt tripped me, neglected and gaslighted me and made me want to kill myself. You rarely got physical so I sometimes still think it wasn't bad enough to be traumatized. On the other hand thinking about who I could have become if only you had helped me and made me feel loved makes me want to vomit. The only form of love I thought I knew up until late middle school was abuse, and I'm ashamed to say this but I still crave that chaos to this day. It just feels familiar and kind of comforting.

You, too, fucked me up for life, you don't get to cry about it.

The best I can do is live the best life I can get without involving you ever again. You won't get to see me getting my bachelor's degree or marrying the man I love as ME, a proud trans man, that you kicked out because you were afraid of what the neighbors would say.

You don't get to pride yourself with having a successful child, which isn't much, but for me it's the healthiest form of revenge I can get.

Maybe one day I won't be as bitter about it, but for now it's enough.

#actuallytraumatized #csa mention #tw csa mention #vent #trauma vent #trauma healing #dissociation #tw cptsd #living with cptsd #cptsd #emotional abuse #rant #tw transphobia #oversharing