#I've been so nervous about sharing writing recently because frankly

[dazedpuppydairies]

Dazed Puppy Diaries Journal Entry #2🐶🐕

In this journal I talk about my recent appointments, updates regarding my agoraphobia, briefly share a bit about our plurality, and more.

(disclaimer I'm still figuring out whether I want to go into more detail regarding our plurality on this blog. I started this blog to share about my experience and obviously our plurality and discovering our system is a significant part of my experience thus far, but it's also an incredibly sensitive topic. It's certainly not something I want to constantly pretend doesn't exist and frankly doing so isn't fair to other members in our system. As much as I love embracing being queer, atypical, and alternative I've spent so much of our life masking and that doesn't only pertain to being autistic. I've spent a significant portion of our life thus far knowingly and unknowingly masking our neurodiversity and trauma from the world because I felt I had to. I need to learn to unmask and that's something that takes time. For further clarification sake this blog is owned by "me" Bandit our system's host, therefore these blog posts will almost always be written by me and come from my perspective. I'm sorry if that was a lot for a prelude, but I feel like I need to give us a thousand disclaimers before speaking on this part of my experience. Also to wrap up this prelude sorry if this journal entry is a little messy I was pretty tired when writing it, but I was trying to get it out before midnight.)

TW for

extensive discussion on mental health related topics like agoraphobia and dissociation

discussion of homelessness

Well I guess my "daily" journal entries are off to a rough start, I just haven't felt like writing the last couple days. I've also been kinda busy, like I had two different appointments yesterday and had to get labs done on Tuesday.

Agoraphobia wise going out and getting my labs done wasn't super fun, but I've been to that lab quite a few times which makes it a little better.

Then there was Thursday, I met with my skills specialist and peer support counselor. I'm not sure if I mentioned this in my first journal where I talk about my suspected agoraphobia, but my therapist is having me go out with my skills specialist to work on my agoraphobia. Yesterday we went to a grocery store and we just kind of talked. Something I totally forgot to mention in my first journal where I talked about my suspected agoraphobia is that it's much easier for me to be in grocery stores for example or use public transportation if I'm with another person. I didn't totally realize this until a couple weeks ago when I went to the grocery store with one of my partners. I felt pretty okay, but later on I went to stores alone and experienced a lot of anxiety and panic symptoms.

Anyway after that I had the appointment with my peer support counselor over the phone. We primarily talked about my living situation, my writer's block, and the agoraphobia. She wants to schedule an appointment sometime where we just go outside and walk around to help with my agoraphobia.

Then today I had therapy which was pretty good, unfortunately I dissociate in a lot of my appointments which makes remembering the details kind of hard. I'm so close to telling them about our plurality though, but I'm really nervous about them not taking me seriously. Don't get me wrong my new therapist is awesome, but it's just one of those things that's terrifying to talk about. We ended this appointment by saying that we would talk more about my dissociation in the next appointment and I have the sneaking suspicion they know where this is going. Nonetheless I'm scared it's going to go badly, it makes me kind of wish I didn't tell them I use TikTok. I'm kind of joking when I say that, but also I'm kind of not joking. I also don't have great communication with my headmates so I'm not really sure how they feel about it, but at the same time that's another reason why I feel like I need to tell my therapist about our plurality to help with communication. Then there's the part of me that worries I'm just faking it and feels embarrassed to talk about it at all even right now. Really though I think I'm making progress opening up to my therapist which I think is like half the battle. I was really nervous opening up to her about the agoraphobia, but that worked out just fine.

Besides my many appointments my air fryer broke today so I'm probably going to need to go out and buy another one which I'm not looking forward to. If you've gotten this far you can probably imagine I'm not looking forward to going to the store and buying a new air fryer, but I also really don't have the money for one. Despite the fact in my current living situation I kind of need the air fryer so it is what it is. Usually I'd give myself an incentive to go to the store like buying a new doll or squishmallow because I collect things, but I have to buy an air fryer. Anyway I've already put a lot money into my collecting hobbies recently. Being surrounded by things that make me happy is really important to me, but some would argue it's not the best usage of the little amount of money I have. I have a quick story to go along with that.

When I was homeless in 2021 my county had me living in a motel they utilize as a shelter. Real quick something I'm very grateful about is that my county recognizes their shelters are unsafe for trans people and will put up trans people and a motel. Obviously they could be and should be doing more, but it's still something to be grateful for. Anyway when I was staying in that motel I needed to buy food so I went to the dollar store in the plaza next door. While walking over to the dollar store I was on the phone with my friend Josiah because being on the phone helps with the agoraphobia. At the time I didn't realize that's why I was doing it, but now I can recognize that. So recap I'm homeless I'm at the dollar store buying food with the bit of money I have and I say something to my friend along the lines of, "Joey you'll never believe this they have Squishmallows!!" and he responded with something like, "no no don't buy a Squishmallow you're literally homeless!!" Needless to say I bought a Squishmallow, listen though that's what I really needed in that moment. To clarify I do care about my friend's opinions and concerns there was more to that conversation. Also at the time I was under the impression the department of human services was going to give me a meal card on Monday because they said they were going to, but they never did. Nonetheless I don't really regret my purchase. I do make impulse purchases, but I'm also pretty good at not spending money I genuinely need unless I need to buy an air fryer apparently. Though I will say my county not providing me that promised meal card is a big factor and why I wasn't able to cut off my family in 2021. I was living in that motel for 2 weeks before I got into another program so squishmallow or not the amount of money I had on me wasn't going to last 2 weeks. Anyway yeah I've put a fair amount of money into my collecting hobbies, but I really like to surround myself with things that make me happy. I think most my headmates if not all feel very similarly, I think Morgan really likes Halloween decorations. Speaking of which we got some Halloween beanie babies back in October, hopefully when we get out of this living situation I'll be able to show you our stuffed animal collection because it's pretty cool. Nonetheless I'm starting to ramble so I'm going to wrap this up. I might make a post later talking about a doll I got in the mail today I pre-ordered from Mattel Creations which was ironically probably around the same price the air fryer is going to be, but the past is in the past. I talked about this in my last journal, but I really am trying to limit the amount of money I put into my collecting hobby because I literally don't have a proper income. Nonetheless that's also one of the only things I have right now helping me cope through this living situation. Anyway like I said I'm starting to ramble so I'm going to wrap this up here.

#mental health #agoraphobia #plurality #osdd system #osdd host #homelessness #lgbtq+ #queer #transgender #trans

[radley-writes]

Seven Sentences tag game!

I have been tagged by too many people! I’m sorry I’ve barely posted anything recently; the Winter Blues are real.

But (several weeks late) please enjoy this snippet from the first chapter of... 

Herbo & Twink Solidarity: On Ice

(introducing... The Twink)

They say the ice-city of Jarlheim is a tiara tipped with spires of starlight. They sing sonnets for each verglas vault, tercets for every turret; orate odes to the five-fathom walls and the hardpack from which they rise.

They presume it goes without saying that the ice-city of Jarlheim is really fucking cold.

Corvail hunched in his rough woollen cloak. He shuffled penguin-footed towards the royal gate, tucking his numb hands between his legs. Mistake: they sapped heat faster than they absorbed it. He relocated them to his armpits, where they posed far less frostbite risk to parts he would miss.

“Why,” he asked the gate, the rime that curled across it like silver embroidery, the mirror-glaze road that skidded and slipped beneath his hobnail boots, “the shit am I doing this?”

Gate, rime, and road offered sod-all reply.

(nine sentences, but still ;P)

Share seven lines and tag seven people (obviously, no pressure)!

Tagging: @rrrawrf-writes, @incandescent-creativity, @h-brook-writes, @longsightmyth, @humour-and-hyperfocus, @stardustspiral, @loopyhoopywrites @christinawritesfiction @byjillianmaria

#my writing #amwriting #currently writing #original fiction #fantasy #herbo and twink solidarity: on ice #Krow Dynasty stuff #meet Corvail: your local lovable little shit #obligatory first draft warning #I've been so nervous about sharing writing recently because frankly #it's all been awful