#Is Getting Real Fuckin Old!

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

the problem with not having any new fics to read bc they havent been posted yet is that when Invisible Tigers Are Hunting You, there is no distraction

#this Baseless Fear that sometimes strikes me #reminding me of my mortality and making believe it is deeply immediate despite how illogical it is #Is Getting Real Fuckin Old! #i gotta grip onto the reminder that i am Only Twenty. i have my whole life ahead of me probably. #there is Time. things will get better. someday i will Accomplish Things. #i will turn around and wish i could visit past (current) me and say It Does Get Better And You Will Not Only Exist But Live. I Love You. #but for tonight i feel very small and scared #and i am using the company of videos and stories to soothe the Invisible Tigers #i think i will.... reread some fics.... perhaps... #i havent reread stamps yet.... ill go do that #get my laughingstock crumbs #ill put on birdsong in the bg #im borrowing my friends lovely headphones. i Need some of my own. earbuds just dont do it anymore #especially since theyre noise canceling. Yummy #theyre helping immensely i think #absolutely unprompted #sorry for once again Venting on Main #i am very tired and have no other outlet <3 #its 4 am. i have to get up in 7 hours. i am still too terrified to sleep #but its okay its Fine this night will Pass #thats half the fear but all the same. there are Good Things in my future. i have hope theyre there. theyre waiting for me. #ill figure it out Ill Figure It Out. #we all will! #we'll all get there. someday before the end.

[autisticaradiamegido]

day 299

cha boy is starting on a cpap machine for the first time tonight

it turns out, that when i sleep, my cringe-ass larynx blocks itself up, and i STRAIGHT UP STOP BREATHING for up to 20 seconds at a time! of course i have always managed to start back up again, but as u might imagine this doesn't lead to great sleep quality

so wish me luck on getting that Good Sleep for once. god gives his toughest battles to his sleepiest warriors and all that.

#day 299 #year 4 #it me #cpap #sleep apnea #i wasnt gonna post about this initially i didnt think it was fun or interesting #and well. its not. #but u know what. when they told me this was my issue i was like Hey Wait But 26 Year Olds Dont Usually Get That #because the only people in my life who are regular cpap users are in their 60s and 70s #and i felt weird and alienated for a couple days while i waited for the machine to come in and like #it really helped me to look up posts about it from people i consider peers #PLUS i always fucking complain here about how i am So Tired All The Time and while i always assumed it was due to my OTHER chronic illnesse #i figured maybe i'd update yall on the fact that it was uh. Moderate Obstructive Sleep Apnea for likely the last. eight or so years. lmao #anyway if people tell you that you snore a lot. and you feel real fuckin eepy a lot of the time. #consider asking your doctor to order you a sleep study!

[unforth]

Actually, I really wish Tumblr as a whole was less comfortable using feminizing language for gay men, especially gay East Asian men.

#unforth rambles #brought to you by the person i saw call chu wanning 'mo ran's mother' and the person who defended them #putting aside the question of accuracy re his role in mo ran's life #the words parent and father both exist yall #like idk but also wtf #see also girlboss and such being applied to gay men #idk i feel like im in the vast minority on this one #but my whole life ive seen gay men feminized in real life against their will #no matter how masc they were or wanted to be everything became fem #maybe im just to old to be with the times on why this is cute and funny abd okay #but given tumblr demographics and all #like shit like this is imo why so many women and afab nb people in fandom get accused of fetishizing #we older queers remember when doing this was considered disgusting homophobia actually #and imo it goes double or triple when they gay men in question are east asian #i really wish we could just fuckin stop #to be clear im not saying it IS fetishizing im saying i wish there was more awareness of the history of forced feminizing language #being used towars gay men in general and toward east asian men regardless of sexuality #for a lot of people i gotta think the knee jerk reaction to this kinda language being used is these context isnt teehee how cute #its ew who would say that #anyway i blocked op on the mo ran stuff but it still left a bad taste in my mouth

[rainbowserenity]

Zack and Cloud, "You forgot to say the magic word." xD

Cloud was so used to no one paying attention to him that it threw him for a loop when someone suddenly did. 

The fact that this someone was a SOLDIER 1st class didn’t hurt. Or maybe it did. They’d known each other for months and he still had no idea how to act around Zack sometimes. 

Luckily, this never seemed to deter Zack. In fact, he was incredibly adaptable to Cloud’s…Cloud-isms. 

For the first few week’s they’d known each other, Cloud couldn’t help but flinch or stiffen up whenever Zack threw an arm around him or otherwise touched him. It wasn’t like he thought Zack would hurt him - completely the opposite - but a lonely childhood on top of a (mostly) friendless life in Shinra meant that he simply wasn’t used to friendly gestures like that. 

So when Zack eventually noticed the flinching and hesitance, he - without any preamble - would hover for a second before he grabbed Cloud in a half-hug or whatever. “Yeah?”

The fact that Zack actually paid enough attention to realize he had to give a little warning warmed Cloud’s heart in a way that he couldn’t quite describe.

And of course, his answer was always the same.

“Yeah.”

Of course it was different on the battlefield if they needed to push each other out of the way or something, but when they were just hanging out, the permission was always asked and granted.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

It happened when Cloud found out he hadn’t passed the SOLDIER exam and Zack held out his arms. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” As though he would disagree to a tight hug that made everything seem better, at least for a minute.

It continued happening even with how close they got. Holding hands. Manly cuddling as they watched a movie. Feeding him a piece of the dumbapple pie that Kunsel had dropped off (if the guy ever got out of SOLDIER, he really needed to open a bakery). Every time, it was always the same.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

There was just one time Zack forgot to ask, during a late night when they had nowhere else to be next morning and vulnerability and anticipation hummed through them; a buzz that’d only gotten louder the more they were together.

Cloud’s heart pounded wildly as Zack moved closer, their breaths hitching at the same moment. He froze a little, but then smiled a bit at Zack’s wide-eyed mako gaze. 

“You forgot to say the magic word.”

There was a pause before Zack couldn’t help but laugh. The smile still sat on his lips as he moved closer to Cloud, just a hair away. “Yeah?”

Cloud just breathed out one word, the only response he ever wanted to give to this man, before their lips finally met.

“Yeah.”

#clack #zakkura #zack/cloud #zack fair #cloud strife #so fuckin help me #this ask is from.......... #2015 8))))))))) #I HATE MYSELF LMAO #it's so old #that it even showed the old ass editor #when i was typing everything up #if you're out there anon #I'M SO SORRY #also idek alskjf;laiwjef #this started out kinda silly #then got real sappy #I'M GETTING USED TO WRITING AGAIN OKAY #IT'S BEEN 84 YEARS #oh god rebirth is truly gonna end me #all i can think about is clack #it's MADNESS i tell you #also the spacing got fucky but i think i fixed it oops

[astranauticus]

the rwd season 4 qna inspired me to start thinking about college au headcanons except a lot of these are gonna be really specific to my school and y'all are just gonna have to deal with that <3

Kyana feeds some of the school cats. she would feed all of them if she could

Dani smuggled Plug (the scrawniest black cat you've ever seen) into her dorm room illegally and somehow management hasn't caught her yet (based on a true story) (Kyana visits to see Plug all the time)

Finbar keeps an updated tier list of every canteen in the school with breakdowns of the best stalls/dishes for each

A senior from the school of engineering once said to me 'all the engineering people dress like rats cuz our classrooms don't have aircon' (context: tropics) anyway that's Dani

Kyana would probably be involved in a lot of freshman orientation events from second year onwards. she just likes talking to the new kids and giving them advice like she would be the kind of orientation group leader who'd get messages from her freshies asking about all kinds of random nonsense because she's made sure they know they can always contact her with questions

VR-LA is The Guy you go to for textbook pirating resources

(this is more of a 'wouldn't that be funny' but VR-LA is just Veerle's discord handle)

Docent is the name of VR-LA's old laptop that broke down so he gave it to Cassimere (computer engineering major he met once at a networking event) to fix except Cassimere got everything off the hard drive and then somehow managed to fuck it up Even More so he had to get a new laptop (and named it Emi)

Roy has gotten food poisoning from his dorm meal plan at least once (based on at least one true story)

The heap trio + Mandy would be those friends constantly playing majong in the dorm lounge and if all the majong tables are taken they just play in one of their dorm rooms on a towel to dampen the tile shuffling noises (it was Mandy's idea)

Every morning Dani goes to the drinks stall at her faculty and orders one iced coffee to the point where the stall owner starts preparing an iced coffee whenever they see her approach (based on my true story)

Roy would be one of those people who goes clubbing every other week and every time he tries to drag the rest of the heap trio and Egan almost always goes and Dani would go if she didn't have a good excuse but always begrudgingly. anyway Roy would always be the only one having a good time until Egan gets drunk enough to start having fun

Finbar actually uses the dorm kitchens instead of just buying canteen food and it always makes the hallways smell really good

Vhas also uses the dorm kitchen sometimes but like. one time i walked into the pantry on my floor and someone had left cut sweet potatoes and 2 eggs in an inch of water in a pan on the stove. that's Vhas

Kyana's constantly applying for overseas exchanges and international summer/winter school programmes. the world is large and she wants to see it!

Maxim's the definition of a hall phantom. you know he lives on your dorm floor because you pass him by in the hallways sometimes and literally nowhere else. sometimes you're not convinced that he actually exists

VR-LA and Maxim's friendship stems from them being from wildly different faculties (VR-LA's in STEM, Maxim's doing anthropology so arts/social sciences) but also having lots of weird interests they cant really bug anyone in their home faculties about

Elyse is in student government and every once in a while Finbar receives a series of angry texts about the newest idiocy she's had to put up with

MR-SN and AS-TR start a stargazing club together. other notable members include AS-TR's girlfriend E-DN, MR-SN's friend C-RA (the one who always volunteers to carry the heavy ass telescopes) and MR-SN's friend K-LB who he pestered into coming to fix one of the wonky scopes even though K-LB's actually in electrical engineering but he's the only engineering person MR-SN (an arts student) knows

oh and of course VR-LA joins because he genuinely just likes space (developing a crush on his club chairperson was not on his bingo card)

Kyana and E-DN were MMA sparring buddies at one point which is how she found out about the stargazing and joined immediately

honestly i can probably think of more but this post is fuckin long LMAO

#rolling with difficulty #'do not let the internet turn you into an american' i say as i make posts that can be understood by me and me only #i mean im not sorry about it this is my house #like my experiences are just gonna be extra incomprehensible because my countrys fuckin tiny so the target audience really is me and me onl #too bad! you think its hard to read my posts? i gotta live like this! #if i sound extra confrontational i got 5 hours of sleep for the whole week unfortunately so just know its all /lh more or less #really tempted to make some kind of business major joke for roy even though obviously the heap trio would all be in engineering #bc its just common knowledge in my school that business majors are the ones with the most free time to go clubbing all the damn time #and *also* theyre the faculty that dresses the best which also tracks?? #didnt really nail down specific majors for everyone (besides the obvious ones like food science for finbar and mech eng for dani) #but i kinda like the idea of cs for VR-LA because of that 'programmers are real world wizards' joke and also.. projecting #cs with focus area in AI would even make sense bc of docent and emi. if i want to make the projecting Even Worse! #also if i ever do human designs for the old crew (doubtful cuz i find drawing robots more fun than drawing humans) #look up sally hansen hypnautical nail polish bc i wanna give human AS-TR that as a nod to her original design #didnt really get into the fashion of it all bc again i live in the tropics so nobody really dresses well here #the goal is to dress to not sweat more often than it is dress to look good #hands down my favourite line in the cqna was noir's i thermoregulate through my forearms #so in the middle of summer i still wear all black and just roll up my sleeves #like thats ME. except its summer ALL YEAR ROUND #walao #asto speaks

[soldier-poet-king]

In the euphoria of it being Friday and getting to leave work early and go home and play bg3, I had forgotten the absolute most horrifying thing my father said to me this morning

"you're starting to sound a lot like your mother" and given my parents marriage this has the added implication of (derogatory)

I'm just ???? HELL IM IN HELL?? I am 27 how tf is my voice apparently changing, is this puberty part 2??? Like? Is it not enough that all my mother's relatives think I'm her spitting image and CONSTANTLY remind me of that fact (but ofc still retain a few distinctive features of my father like forehead/eyebrows/mouth so I can't even escape either of them in the mirror)

But no now I also apparently have to SOUND like her??? Y'know the voice in my head that fuels so much of my self loathing? As if I already didn't hate my voice because I spent my childhood being told to be quiet because I was annoying, being told my voice was grating in its pitch and intensity, etc etc etc + PLUS hating it for Gender Reasons???

Can we give a bitch a break. For once.

#franposting #im just whining ill be fine. but also like #fuck this #literally playing pf with rose and co and voice chatting with rae #i was like. oh. hey. maybe my voice isnt the most fuckin annoying worst thing in the world #its maybe grating and annoying but its me yknow?? #WELL PROGRESS RUINED. I CAN NEVER SPEAK AGAIN. #ik i talked about this before but the impulse towards severely disfiguring self mutilation #so i dont have to look in the mirror and see THEM anymore #IM SO TIRED GUYS. GUYS. IM SO TIRED #clothes i like dont fit my shape. my voice is annoying. i hate my face. nothing is MINE and untouched by them #which fine. its not like im a real person so ofc everything is marked by them #but im justm fuckin fuck fuck this is NOT helping me think like an autonomous creature and human being #i am going. to go pout on the bus home #and genuinely actually gargle a shot of grappa when i get home #im getting the cold my brother has and cant afford it bc tattoo soon and doc appt next week #and sometimes my nonnas old wives cures actually work

[dizzybevvie]

when someone isnt skinny why is rapid weight loss seen as progress

#like i wasnt ever fat but id consider myself midsize like i got some rolls n large legs n stuff and it doesnt bother me now #but when i had an eating disorder and i lost weight like real quick why did i get so many compliments #13 year old ex ballerina girl is losing weight really really quick. welp anyway no redflags raised you look great #like every adult in my life was happy for me and it was the worst year of my LIFE i barely even remember it cus i was so hungry and tired #PLUS mine was only a year AND it was not as severe as some eatig disorders can be!! my heart fuckin goes out to fat ppl w eating disorders #TO CLARIFY i am OKAY i am recovered i hold no resentment against the people i am talking about its just sad #beverly says stuff #NOT A PRO-ANA POST FUCK PRO-ANAS FRFR!!!!!! EAT THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF FOOD ITS GOOD FOR YOU #tw eating disorder #tw disordered eating #tw ed ment #stay safe guys <33333333333333333

[floral-hex]

So this chick has been on-and-off again stalking me since high school. I could go into paragraphs of detail (I was about to), but no one wants to read all of that. Suffice to say, I guess she’s had some kind of crush on me for about 15-20 years or so (why??), and every few years it seems she pops up somewhere contacting me to try to persuade me to give her a chance. I should mention we never talked in high school, I actively avoided her, told her I didn’t like her, etc. nothing doing.

Anyway, somehow she’s been on one of my social media pages and saw I was having a hard time lately, so she found my phone number (what?? I hate that you can just find that online) and texted me out of the blue yesterday. Usual protocol is ignore and block so I don’t piss off an unstable person, but they decided to be gross, so

I wasn’t planning on posting anything about this before. If they were creeping around on my pages, mentioning it would only feed into them. Maybe. I don’t know. But this just kind of made me really uncomfortable and their response was shitty. I could have been a lot meaner. I wanted to be. But whatever, that wouldn’t have helped. So I just blocked them and hope that this time it sticks. If they see this, then hey… not cool.

#and then I post this for what? attention? #I dunno… this just made me feel really shitty #like… you can’t just leave me alone? #you know I’m having a rough go at it and you think this is the perfect time to insert yourself into my life? #I don’t care about your puss! #I really really have to reiterate I have never ever had a real conversation with this person #we’ve never talked or hung out and I always avoided them #god this is such high school bullshit. I’m in my fucking 30s. I don’t need this teenage drama. #and I want to imagine all this as just someone who never grew up buuut… #they found my phone number. they went looking for my personal information. they’ve been stalking at least one of my social media pages. #probably twitter but who knows maybe here too #this is like… 15-20 years of this. why? why are you still obsessed with this? #and maybe these texts don’t seem so bad but I’ve had to block them on Facebook too #and that was after my ex and I broke up a few years back #it’s like she waits until my life gets extra shitty and then tries to convince me that we’re old friends & she wants to date finally #fuckin… just… not really cool ya know. damn. #stalker lady… I am not worth all this pining. just move on. #lol but I have been saying “my puss is so wet right now’ to myself all day so that’s a positive #anyway… sorry to post this bullshit. just wanted to vent. #sorry if you read all of this #text

[unproduciblesmackdown]

billions(tm): it's incredible how we just provide a little snippet of material designed to be "guy we all want to push down the stairs immediately somehow" and through this amazing acting alchemy it becomes gold. electric. magnificent. we can't get enough so we will just keep writing this loser character and the actor will somehow keep bringing the dazzling transmutation through his ability

actor will roland: [is aware autistic people are real]

#this is at least half humorous in several ways lmao but also like fr... #winston billions #will roland has pretty much said he is aware that autistic people real. and not [ppl's utterly off the walls assumptions abt what Defines #Autism or what an Autistic Person is like and how you would Know] #i don't think that Billions(tm) would be very much better at that than re: say; taylor's being nonbinary (surprisingly alright yet. u kno) #quant kid 2 could've been anyone but writing Winston is like so certainly the common deal of the inadvertently autistic character #drawing from all the autistic people allistic ppl encounter all thee time without being aware & deciding they're annoying / jerks / too #weird to live too pathetic to die / grating nerds / Funnily Odd in a way you deign to merely raise an eyebrow or scrunch your face at.... #so on so forth. ''oh you know Those People we all know who are just Like That'' #and deciding they must be ''just like that'' b/c they're either too arrogantly rude &/or clueless / Unaware to be neurotypically superior #also do not get me wrong lmao big old proponent of Did You Know That? Actors Act. Now You Know #so of course yes will's acting is off the shits i mean here i am am i right. and he is using it when he is acting. #the acting talent Is off the shits. the tiniest moments they give him & he CRUSHES KILLS it really is amazing i'm not waving it off at all #cue twitter randos so betrayed when kelly aucoin is not dollar bill & is like ''yes in my acting job i'm playing this fuckin asshole'' #meanwhile i'm still following the interviewer who a) asked will anything abt billions b) talked abt the immediate striking intro of will's #as quant kid 2 And the immediate draw of / effervescent dynamic between winston & taylor. Someone Who Gets It #anyway it's like will can fathom that actually the people who are Always ''acting wrong'' w/their bad grating vibes no matter what they do #are not always Those People(tm) who We all know & loathe right....thee magic of knowing winston can be someone fully earnest #and of course always actually trying; & having perfectly comprehensible wants & needs. damn how's he doing that #bringing a certain je ne sais quoi to this Insufferable Loser Nerd material! so we don't mess with the process. #i.e. we will only ever let his role get dunked on forever b/c sure can't fathom anything else anyways. our Correct characters could never.. #only tuk; adjacent in wrong nerd loserdom; can be his friend. rian who is correct but zany with it can be his abusive friend

[imwritesometimes]

I think the most damaging aspect mentally, as an author, of knowing ppl are creating private discord servers to rec fic to their friends is that for a while now I've had this very suspicion. I'll see groups of usernames leave kudos all over my works for various fandoms but they never, ever, even on a single fic, drop so much as an 'I enjoyed this! Thanks!' But I know they're passing it around in a discord server I'll never see and talking about liking it.

It's demoralizing and I just wish ppl understood that. I don't expect someone to read my fic and be inspired to create sistine chapel levels of gratitude posts/art/comments. But a simple 'hey this was good!' let's me know 'hey ppl like what I'm doing and it's worth it to continue to not just write but share!'

#write/draw/create for YOU gets real fuckin old to hear when no one talks abt why we SHARE #we share for feedback ok. plain and simple. if I JUST wrote for me nothing I ever wrote would get edited 40 times over #or plotted for weeks at a time #or have 3 drafts in a notebook before ever making it to a word doc #it would just be in my brain for me rotate like a rotisserie chicken and that's IT #so yeah create for you but holy ppl we're sharing for COMMUNITY. sorry ppl don't comprehend that anymore #your walled discord group is NOT community. it's you grabbing a piece of cake and LOVING it but not bothering to tell the baker thanks #idk I just wasn't built like that.... show a little fuckin gratitude. it's online for YOU. it's not online for ME. it's already on my lapto #least you could do is drop a 'hey I liked this so much I recc'd it to my friends!' #and that's it. that's my rant for the day. #if you want to continue to have fic to read you need to practice gratitude...... #erin explains it all #fic #fanfiction

[yappacadaver]

He’s just like me fr fr fr

#normalposting #and the real reason is Adam pronounced it wrong the first go around amen 🙏 #I’m clawing at the bars of my enclosure rn #PLEASE LET ME SUCK HIS FUCKING SKIN OFF LIKE A ROTISSERIE CHICKEN #IM OILING HIM UP AND ROASTING HIM ON A SPIT 👋 #GOD YOU STUPIF FUCKING OLD MAN YOURE NOT EVEN REAL IN-UNIVERSE #wailing #sobbing #no man is an island? get a load of this mfr surrounded on all sides by deep ass water #RAAAAAAAAAAAA HES NOT EVEN ALIVE ALL OF THIS TO STAY ALIVE AND HES NOT #still beats going to the mommy flesh dimension but FRJEHHHHHJGKKGLHKK #I need to put him in the juicer #dude is still trapped in his mommas womb at fucking 54 years old #RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGHFHFJGKGK #he’s scum #also can I get a hell yeah for hitting the characterization nail on the head here #I mean it was pretty obvi but there were like three of us posting about this back in tha day and we were fuckin right

[todayisafridaynight]

uhhh something something 'the only time a yakuza should laugh with his teeth is when he's with family or in trouble' something something arakawa gradually doing so more and more when hanging around jo something something Uh Oh™️

#arasawa #snap chats #DO WE GET WHAT I MEAN. #im not arguin semantics rn just listen to me im gripping you by the shoulders reader #it can go either way A.) arakawa gradually seeing jo as a part of his persoanl family opposed to The General Family #B.) you know how in fanfics theres that 'Oh. /Oh./' trope Yeah. i want big man to realize he's a lil doki doki for one of his guys #why the fuck i frame it like these arent in the same vein I CANNOT THINKKKKKK STRAAAIGHT #BUT NOOOO LISTEEENNNN i know bro would be SOOO conflicted. dare i say... he'd be in trouble SEE DO WE SEE WHAT IMEA #ok you can stop looking at me. im delirious. insane. delulu. its cause i cant draw rn its hard and my head hurts #ive been struggling with this idea for. WEEKS. i CANNOT find a way to make a comic out of it and its making me loco and mad #so im just throwing it out into the ether as Free Real Estate if anyone else wants a crack at it. or yk just so i can share it #LIKE THERE'S SOMETHING HERE I KNOW THERE IS I AM BRUSHING IT WITH MY FINGERTIPS BUT I CANNOT GRAB IT #you know it fuckin bad when i actually make a text post about it thats how you know Im At My Limit #driving me insane....... i just need everyone to know im rotating them like SSBB trophies.... #anyway. yeah youre right i still havent drawn shit #UUUGGGHHHHH should... or shold i sleep.... #let me try to force myself to sketch something and then ill run to my car and sleep there or somethin #idk. anyway bye i love the old people

[spaciebabie]

*bonks your head softly*

Hi! =D

You have been given a bonk of happiness, i hope it will make you smile or something idk lol-

Fr tho your posts just make me laugh a lot so i thought i could share some happy!!

*is bonked* egads my coconut head!!!

thank you :))) it makes me happy ta know my shenanigans bring you joy!! \^-^/

#spacie splains #tbh making ppl smile is what i live for #real talk my motto since i was ~14 years old has been: okay im miserable and i dont want others 2 feel the way i do #so ill do my best ta do whatever i can ta make others smile #whether its crackin jokes whether its bein silly whether its assaulting ppl w/kind words #if i can make one person smile #if i can spare one person the pain ive gone thru for maybe even just a minute #if i can brighten their day for only just a second #its all fuckin worth it baby #*clicks my jester heels* #getting a bit deep on main #take a gander inta my psyche its just a bunch of cars honkin horns and crashing inta each other

[foulbearobservation]

gender euphoria thru my grandma sending me a birthday card that just said "for my grandson"

#she's like a million years old I don't blame her for getting a lil confused #to be fair my real name is used more often in men than women #and I'm the youngest of like 40 grandchildren #our family is fuckin huge #again I do not blame her #it's just funny