#OKAY I JUST REALISED THE PERSPECTIVE ON THE STAIRS ARE REALLY BAD LET ME FIX TGAT NOW HAHHAHA

[letsdiscoverkitty]

Home/Family Update - May 2021

I will take this right back to when I was discharged from the Priory in December. From there I moved back home with my parents; it was a bit of a difficult transition as I didn't have any home leave in the lead up to being discharged due to COVID and my consultant wanting me to make the most of my time on the ward. Add to that my EDP going completely awol, meaning that our whole 4 week pre-discharge meetings and relapse prevention plan went out the window. So yes it was a bit of a rocky start, and that is without you factoring in COVID lockdown/Christmas.

Being discharged from an IP setting is never easy no matter who you are; changes in environment and routine can throw you off track without you even realising it and I did find myself struggling with this. I also had the difficult navigation of adapting to coming home in terms of my dad and his recovery. For those who might not know, last March my dad fell down the stairs in the middle of the night the day that my parents arrived home after a month in NZ. He suffered 3 brain bleeds (a subdural, an extradural and a subarachnoid), multiple facial fractures and a break in his spine. That night was one of, if not THE, worst of my life. We were told that it was very likely that he would not survive and that if he did he would be in a vegetated state or not able to take care of himself...we were told to prepare for the worst. By some MIRACLE he defied all the odds and at the age of 74 after spending 11 or so days on the ICU, a further 2 weeks on a trauma ward and then another 3 months in a neuro rehab, he was discharged home and is now, a year on from the accident, completely independent, no sign of further brain bleeds and is actually much fitter than he has been for, well, 50 years! Honestly, we never expected anything like this sort of recovery and from an outside perspective he is doing perfectly. However, there are things that will never be the same again and I don't think it is until you are with someone 24/7 that you are able to tell. He has changed quite a bit as a person; in some ways this is a good thing but in other ways it is not so. He cannot deal with changes in environment or routine; even things like having the bread on the side instead of in the bread bin completely throws him off and he doesn't even register that the bread is there. He gets very easily agitated, can be extremely rude and a little aggressive. Now some of this was already there (a lot of it was) but it has become more acutely obvious since the head injury. I have SO much respect and love for my mum - I really dont know how she has held herself up over the past 2 years, as well as helping dad when he was initially transitioning home (I was still in hospital but it sounded like he needed a lot of help for the first few months - which I only saw an inch of when they were able to visit me in hospital (he used to wander off and didn't know where he was etc. which is thankfully no longer and issue!)).

This is hard for me to say but I will admit that I have struggled more than I thought I would with being around him; in short I pretty much went through the whole mourning process whilst I was in hospital as the last time i saw him on the trauma ward before they stopped all visits and before I was admitted, he didn't know who I was...He thought he lived in another country and was telling me all sorts of stories that were fabricated, before telling me that he needed to go and pick up the mercedes and drive to sainsburys to get the Gin and petrol (we don't have a mercedes and he doesn't even like gin!) Anyway, I digress. So yes, I basically mourned for someone who was still alive physically but mentally had changed as at the time I didn't know whether he would be in a vegetated state or make a good recovery. Thankfully we are on the good side and he is doing so incredibly well but the bottom line is that he is different and living with him, at the age of 26, is HARD. We have good days and bad days (as any young adult who lives with their parents does) and there are many many days that I wish I wasn't living at home but I do my best to hold myself together during those times, especially for my mum because she, I tell you, is absolutely incredible. How she has put up with him for so long I honestly do not know!

Talking of mum, I would say that since the whole accident with dad, we have become a LOT closer. We really had to lean on each other over that month; we were driving down to Brighton every single day to see dad on the ICU and on the Trauma ward until we were stopped from visiting - it was mentally and physically exhausting for the both of us, especially as we were still barely processing the trauma and struggling with flashbacks in the night. We were the first ones on the scene of the accident (if it weren't for mum's medical training, dad would not be alive today). Of course we still have our moments but I feel like our relationship almost "levelled up and matured over the past year. We have bonded over being in nature and walking (because what else can you do when the country is in lockdown!?! but also because we have always been an "outdoors" family (well my mum, Andi and me have))- we also talk about dad and the accident quite a bit too, which has helped me beyond belief (and her too). We give each other space, and yes there are days when we dont get on but who doesn't have days when they dont?

On balance I would say that home is "okay". It is manageable. No the environment is not perfect and I do find it affects my mental health quite a bit and holds me back in some ways (I cannot wait to be able to move out one day) but I am incredibly grateful to have parents that are willing to and can afford to take me under their roof and help me out during this time.

Gosh, this has already ended up so much longer than I thought it would, I am sorry! In short: home life is okay. We are here and that is the most important thing. We saw Andi a two-ish weeks ago as we were in Cornwall for our usual time-share (we were so lucky that Boris allowed self catering two weeks before our usual time share week) - I think it was good for them to get out of their flat as I don't think they had left the small area where they live since last September when we went down to Cornwall (I was given leave for a week as it was sold to my consultant to help my dad's recovery, which is definitely did but yes we did pull the right strings to get that one!)

Anyway, I shall leave this update here and start the mammoth task of the next one. I am sorry that this is taking me so long, it's quite hard to write and think back and reflect (although actually quite helpful for me to do) so I do find that I have to come back to it a few times. Please stick with me x

-----

I forgot to add that dad had an assessment before we went away to Cornwall to see whether he can have his driving license back and (as mum and I predicted) he failed. To say that he did not take it well would be putting it lightly!!! I am actually ashamed of the way that he behaved and the things that he said/the reasons he fabricated as to why he had failed (let's just say he got sexist and rude - which I have ZERO time for and was appalled by him - I am so glad I was not with him/mum after the assessment as I would have blown my fuse at hime). He could not even entertain the idea that he had failed. He blamed everything/anything else that he could - even saying that it was the system and one of the first things he said to me was "I understand now, I've worked it out, it's the system, they aren't allowed to pass many people first time so that's it", which I just *speechless*. Mum and I have talked about it a lot and we don't think that he has ever "failed" at anything in his life. He also believes that he is 10000%. fixed and has no issues or problems and doesn't need any support or guidance. He refuses to listen to mum and I when we try to tell him about how unwell he was, he refuses to believe it and won't take it. One thing that mum and I are very glad of is that all of this driving stuff is OUTSIDE of the family. He can't put it on us. It is coming from an external place and we can support him if he lets us but that is his decision as to whether he lets us or not. He has never been a good patient; and he also won't take any advice (in anything) from mum or let her be right about something either, which is just sad, really sad. This is not a new thing, it has always been this way. And the more I reflect on our family/have reflected over the past year with dad in hospital, the more I see that I don't like. The way dad has behaved and treated mum, how he was always missing in my childhood, how alcohol always came above family, how old fashioned and unwilling to learn he is, how distant and uninterested he was, how he never says please or thank you, never asks how anyone is and refuses to talk about mental health (yep, despite so much going on in our family with mental illnesses, he refuses to talk about it and won't even ask "how are you?" or offer support etc)...I don't mean to be so negative about him, I really don't. I love him, he is my dad, but there is a lot of healing that needs to be done, and it is going to take time.

#personal #update

[constantlytiredghost]

For the smooch promts. 4 for Martin Gerry or 15 for Daisy and Basira. Your choice. ;)

Here we go one (1) GerryMartin (technically JonGerryMartin but shhh)

with 4:   An accidental brush of lips followed by a pause and going back for another, on purpose I mean at this point it's the prompt rather loosely interpreted and split into an accidental 'kiss' and brushing lips against each other before diving in for another kiss BUT I hope you like it nonetheless :'D (and as you already know Daisira also happened and is already up on ao3 lel)

Having a crush on your boss was already bad enough, but also having a crush on the childhood friend of your boss was worse. But here was Martin, crushing on both, the small grouchy head archivist who happened to be his boss and the tall, buff goth that occasionally appeared in the archives to bother aforementioned grouchy head archivist.

And they were dating. Probably. They hadn’t announced it or anything, but it seemed pretty obvious from an outsider perspective that there was something between them, that went beyond a normal friendship. Simply watching the way they interacted with each other showed that.

Not that Martin watched them interact or anything. Not a lot at least. Sometimes he simply saw them. Like that time when he had seen them walk down the stairs of the institute, Gerry’s arm slung across Jon’s shoulder pulling him close, or the time when he had found them in the breakroom with Jon nearly sitting in Gerry’s lap. So they didn’t need to announce anything for Martin to be convinced that they indeed were a thing, which was fine really. He was happy for them, but it wasn’t exactly making things easy.

Martin had tried to stomp those pesky feelings, but that hadn’t worked so far. He tried to keep his distance, he really did, but there was only so much he could do to avoid his boss and Gerry had a knack for finding him. Because even when he hid away in a storage room, putting old statements away, he couldn’t escape.

“Do you need help?”

Martin nearly let the box with the files drop. Speaking of the devil.

“Gerry! Geez… ah, well no, I’m good I think. Thanks for asking though.” he replied, trying to calm his racing heart. “Did Jon kick you out again?”, he asked then.

Gerry huffed amused. 

“Yep. It’s statement time, no interruptions allowed for the next mhhh 20 minutes? Unless I want to get threatened with a tape recorder. So I thought I’d check if I can be of help elsewhere.”

Martin chuckled softly before he shook his head lightly.

“Well, as I said, I’m good. Maybe ask Sasha? Or Tim?”, he suggested.

Gerry gave him a long and piercing look that Martin couldn’t quite interpret.

“Sure.”, he said then. “Are y…”

Before he could finish that sentence, the light above them flickered and went out.

“...shit.” Gerry said instead, and Martin had to agree.

 “I think they got a new piece from the Dark in the Artifact Storage today.”, he mumbled, feeling around for the shelves, bumping into Gerry in the process.

“Sorry.”

“No worries, I’m fine.”

“That’s uh great, uhm well I’ll go look for the fuse box in case it’s just, well, normal stuff instead of the Dark.” Martin said, making his way along the shelves into the direction of the fuse box.

“I’ll come with you.”

“You don’t need too.”

“But I want too, and in case something tries to jump either of us it’s better not to be alone.”

That was sadly a pretty solid argument that Martin could hardly say no to, so he sighed.

“Oh, and I have a flashlight.”

A dim light flickered to life, making Martin squint his eyes when it danced over his face.

“Fine.” he relented.

“Great, lead the way.”

The light of Gerry’s torch was weak and flickered, but it didn’t die, so Martin had hopes that maybe, maybe they wouldn’t have to deal with some sort of darkness monster and could just fix some fuses and be done with. He doubted that they were that lucky, but he still liked to hope.

.

The fuse box for this area was in a small room in the back and calling it a room was maybe too much. It was a glorified closet with enough space for the fuse box, a few supplies and two people if you squeezed as it turned out.

Gerry’s side was squeezed against his, and maybe Martin was panicking a little bit. 

The only reason for Gerry being in the closet with him being that they were both stubborn. Gerry refused to give him the flashlight while Martin was blind without it, but refused to move, so Gerry had simply squeezed in next to him so he could shine at the fuses.

“Well, this, unfortunately, looks fine,” Martin muttered after he couldn’t find anything out of place. “Guess it really is something down in the Art…”

The door behind them slammed shut, making the small space seem even smaller.

“Well, this on the other hand, certainly isn’t fine.” Gerry commented, making Martin snort against his better judgement.

He could feel Gerry shift around next to him and then heard him rattle at the door.

“It’s locked.”

“What?”

“Yeah, I don’t know, definitely doesn’t open.”

Martin also pushed against the door, but just as Gerry had said. It didn’t budge.

“Guess we’re stuck then.”

Gerry snorted. “Apparently. At least it’s only the two of us and no shadow monster in sight.” he said, leaning back against the door, seemingly trying to find a comfortable position.

Martin smiled weakly, while he tried to move around, also looking for a remotely comfortable position, who knew how long they were stuck.

“Suppose we’ll just have to wait until the others find us.”, he said after more or less leaning against the wall.

Gerry hummed in agreement.

“Yeah we could just wait, or we could...talk.”

“Talk?” Martin questioned.

“Mhhh, talk, like about why you’re avoiding me, for example.”

“I’m not avoiding you,” Martin said defensively. Gerry only raised an eyebrow and gave him a disbelieving look.

“Fine.” Martin relented with a sigh when Gerry kept on staring at him. “I’m avoiding you.”

“Oh, I know that you’re avoiding me.” Gerry chuckled softly. “But that doesn’t answer why.” He paused. “Listen, it’s okay if you don’t want to be around me, but I’d rather know, then have you run away from me, alright?”

“I...It’s not that I don’t want to be around you.” Martin said with another sigh, rubbing over his face. ”It’s just…”

“Is it because of your crush on Jon?”

“Wha…? How do you know about that?” Martin could feel his cheeks burn and just hoped that it wasn’t too visible in the dim light.

Gerry looked at him and then started laughing, but it wasn’t mean or anything and just resulted in Martin’s heart doing funny things inside of his chest.

“You’re not exactly subtle. I’m pretty sure everyone knows...okay, everyone except Jon. He probably just thinks you’re nice.”

“Jon thinks I’m nice?”

“You constantly bring him tea and biscuits, and you care for him, what else is he supposed to think? You’re literally one of the nicest people I know Martin. Even though….Now that I think about it, you’ve been avoiding him too, so this clearly is about him.”

Martin buried his face in his hands and groaned.

“Listen, if you’re here to tell me off or something, just do it.”, he muttered.

“Tell you off? Why would I tell you off?” Gerry sounded truly confused, and Martin slowly lowered his hands.

“Because I have a crush? On your boyfriend?”

Gerry stared at him. Martin stared at Gerry until Gerry’s snicker interrupted the silence that had settled between them.

“Stop laughing! I’m serious.” Martin complained, kicking lightly against Gerry’s shin to shut him up.

“Sorry, sorry, it’s just…”  Gerry started laughing again. “This is ridiculous.”

“Excuse you?!”

“Okay, shit that came out wrong, sorry. What I mean is that it’s pretty hilarious how blind people can be when it comes to themselves."

“And you’re trying to tell me what exactly?” Martin asked.

Gerry gave him a lopsided grin.

“Jon likes you too.”

Martin blinked, then he opened his mouth only to close it again, before pinching himself. It hurt, so not a dream.

“I...Jon...but aren’t you dating?”

Gerry shrugged, pushing himself from his position against the door so he could turn to face Martin, knocking a few supplies over in the process of doing so.

“Yeah, we are.”

“Why...how are you so chill about this?”

Gerry gave him a wry smile in return.

“I like you too, I guess,” he shrugged again. “heteronormative relationships were never my jam, so maybe that’s why. I know you like Jon and not me, but if you’re willing, I’m sure we can work something out. I honestly just want to see both of you happy.”

Gerry was rambling, and Martin could only gape. His heart ached for this beautiful man, who had decided that he was okay to put his own wishes last if it meant that the people he loves were happy.

“...and I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable or anything. I swear this sounded better in my head, but…”

“Gerry.”

“Yes?”

“Shut up.”

Gerry’s mouth closed with an audible click. He looked nervous, and now it was Martin’s turn to smile.

“You know, you call me and Jon blind when it comes to ourselves, but I don’t think we’re the only ones. Jon is not the only person I have a crush on, Gerry.” he said softly and watched how Gerry nervous face turned from nervous to confusion, to surprise and then into a wide grin after the realisation hit him.

Then Gerry squinted his eyes at him. “It’s Tim, isn’t it?” he asked, but Gerry’s shit-eating grin and the twinkling in his eyes told Martin that he wasn’t serious.

“Obviously.”, he replied dryly. They looked at each other and started laughing. Gerry leaned forward, to place his forehead against Martin’s shoulder, snickering. Martin wrapped his arms around him, cheeks hurting from smiling so much.

“God, we’re all so blind.” Gerry mumbled against Martin’s sweater, his arms wrapping around Martin’s middle.

“Yeah.” Martin agreed with a snort and as if on command, the light of Gerry’s torch flickered out, leaving them in pitch black darkness.

“....I didn’t mean literally.” Gerry muttered and pulled back, and Martin couldn’t stop snickering.

“I think I got spare batteries, wait.”

Martin could feel Gerry shifting and moving around.

“Careful.”

“Yeah, surahhh…. FUCK.”

Martin could feel Gerry tripping and tried to grab him, but the supplies that had fallen earlier made him topple over too, and they both crashed.

Martin hit his head against the door, and Gerry somehow landed half on top of him, knee ramming into his thigh while their lips smacked against each other, their teeth clacking together painfully.

Martin groaned that had hurt.

“Shit, sorry,” Gerry muttered, trying to get up before he just gave up and simply straddled Martin’s legs instead. “Are you okay?”

“Yes, I think,” he answered, rubbing his head. “That was a pretty shitty first kiss though, dunno why movies think this works.”, he added lightly, sitting up, only to bump his head against Gerry’s in the process. “Did you at least find the batteries.”

“Yeah, and I’m very willing to make it up to you as soon as I put them in.”

Martin could hear something getting unscrewed, and a few clacking sounds. It didn’t take long until the torch flickered back on, illuminating the closet once more.

“So, Mr. Blackwood, will you let me prove that I’m capable of more than smashing our heads together and probably giving you a few bruises in the process?” 

Gerry looked at him with open eyes and an adorably, impish smile. Martin still couldn’t quite believe it, so he just nodded, unable to trust his own voice.

Gerry leant forward again, slowly to give Martin all the time he wanted should he decide that he wanted to pull back. 

Martin didn’t and leant forward instead, meeting Gerry halfway. When Gerry’s lips brushed over his, it was barely a touch, soft and sweet and Martin wanted more, chasing after them when Gerry pulled back, to tug him into another kiss.

He vaguely registered that the torch clinked against the ground next to them, to busy burying his hands in Gerry’s hair to pull him even closer and Gerry followed, nipping at his lips, with a playful bite.

Movement could be heard in front of the closet, and they broke apart just in time to look up at Jon, who looked back down at them with raised eyebrows.

“What’s going on in here?” he asked, and Martin could feel a blush creeping up, on his cheeks.

“I got us a boyfriend, that’s what’s going on,” Gerry replied cheerfully, scrambling up on his feet, before holding out a hand for Martin, to help him up.

“Unless you don’t want too?”

Two searching gazes were directed at him, and Martin shook his head.

“No, I mean, yes? I mean, I’d love too.”

Gerry seemed relieved, a tension that Martin hadn’t noticed before left his body and on Jon’s lips formed a smile.

“You need to fill me in on what exactly happened in there. I think I’m missing a few pieces." 

Gerry and Martin looked at each other and then at Jon.

“Yeah, let’s talk. Guess we should do that anyway.” Martin said, and the two of them followed Jon into his office.

.

They told Jon what had happened and in turn, Jon also told them a few things. Like that the Dark didn’t have anything to do with the entire situation. The lightbulb simply had burned out, and the door hadn’t opened because of a book stack that had toppled over, slamming the door shut and in the process lodging themselves so that it was impossible to open the door from the inside without violence.

Hearing it all like that Martin felt a bit like he had ended up in a ridiculous cheesy romcom, but he also certainly couldn’t complain.

He also learned that day that kissing Jon while Gerry was nipping at his neck was a special form of bliss, that he couldn’t have imagined in his wildest dreams. And that being sandwiched between those two men was exactly where he wanted to be.

#nat writes #gerrymartin #aka the story where I added as many cheesy tropes as possible :'D #tma #jongerrymartin #martin blackwood #gerard keay #jonathan sims #jgm #this also means that I filled all prompts but the one I'm currently working on :000 #which means prompts are open again if anyone wants to request smth!

[sebbytrash]

Through His Eyes - Part Six

Summary - Bucky arrives at the compound to start afresh but you and him have a somewhat colorful past, colorful being that you met him once before as The Winter Soldier and it did not go well. New beginnings, yeah? If you can learn to forgive.

Pairing - Eventual Bucky x Reader

Warnings - Nothing really, some sad vibes.

A/N - I’m so sorry its taken so long to get this out. I got major bad juju and had to take a sec. Feedback loved and appreciated.

Through His Eyes Masterlist

Dead eyes.

Dead eyes.

The knife presses to your skin, dragging fire up your arm. Its agony, and yet familiar. You know this pain, you wear it well. He drops the knife, steps back into the shadows. Face distorted like an unfocused lens.

You look down. Blood rolls down your fingertips. It’s there. The next letter. Y

A blink, then another. It changes, the dead eyes turn terrified. He stumbles forward, a small red circle appears on his chest. It grows and grows till its running lines down his t-shirt. He touches it, shock marring his features, hand comes away wet and red.

He looks at you, fear in his very real eyes. Help me, he mouths, raises a hand towards you and stumbles to his knees. You look down again.

See the gun in your hand.

You gasp awake, breathing hard and heavy. Face wet and muscles aching, wipe a hand hastily across your cheeks as you sit up. A quick check of your phone tells you its 1am. Great, you’ve been asleep for an hour tops. The dreams were back, for the time being at least, had been since the mission last week. They've changed, of course, and you can guess why but choose to ignore it, choose to focus on the fear.

Bucky has been fairly scarce since the mission and you don't blame him. If you think too long on it, the guilt reaches up from your stomach and wraps a hand round your throat.

It's a while before your able to fall back asleep, chased by the screams and darkness. You dream about him until morning.

“Good Morning, Marshmallow.” Sam rests his knuckles on your shoulder as he passes.

“Is It?” You reply, the bitterness of the words taste heavy on your tongue.

“Still not sleeping?” He asks, reaching over to fill up the cup your nursing like it's made of gold.

“Not really,” You say and then quieter, “The dreams are back.”

Sam knows, he gets it. He spent years plagued by his own demons, falls and fights that still rear their heads on the odd occasion. So when he gives you the look, the not pity but a shared pain look it's not something you worry about. It's not pity from him.

“Same as usual?” He asks, taking a seat across the table from you.

“Well yeah, I mean they start out that way.” You say, look up from the cup to meet his eyes, “But I always kill him in the end.”

“Ah.” There it is. The silence you were worried about, the fears that your getting worse instead of better voiced in one single syllable. Your stomach drops to your toes, swirls around on it's way down and threatening to come back up quick.

“I thought, I mean... I felt- I was dealing, ya know? Why am I back peddling?”

“I don’t think that's what it is.” Sam states, solid and firm like he’s sure of it. That sure makes one of you.

“What do you mean?” Murder seems pretty clear, no?

“I think, maybe, that it has nothing to do with you being afraid of him. Stay with me here, but before he was hurting you, right?” You nod, leaning onto your forearms, “And that was pretty clearly fear. See now with you being the one to hurt him, I reckon it’s guilt.”

“Guilt.” Guilt. Sure, yeah, you’d been feeling a lot of that recently. Life was pretty damn complicated right now.

“Yeah. Look, what's happened, it’ll stay with you forever. But to be honest, it’s pretty clear to me that your not afraid anymore. Not fundamentally…” You arch a brow at him, thinking back to the mission but he halts you before you can protest, “Ok that was a knee jerk thing. But it’s happened now and you’ve dealt with it. I’d bet my Wings it won’t happen again.”

“You seem awfully sure of that.” Your tone sounds defeated, even to you.

“Because I am. You don’t give yourself nearly enough credit ya know.” He reaches over and places a hand on your arm, the weight of his words are giving you something to reach for, something to hold onto, “You are the strongest person I know. And I know The Avengers.”

You laugh at that, grateful for the reprieve, and he joins you, lets you lose yourself in the moment.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself, kid. You’re the best of us.”

“You’re sure you don’t want to come?” Wanda asks for maybe the 5th time.

“I’m sure. Got my night planned you see, there’s a Pizza and a new season of Brooklyn 99 with my name on it.” You insist, knowing you’d rather be here than out at a club right now.

“Just...call me if you need anything, okay?” She chews her bottom lip a bit before adding, “I mean anything.”

“I promise, okay? Cross my heart n’all that. No go, get. Have a good time. You deserve it.”

Wanda and a few others were going out. Steve was on another mission. You weren't really sure who was around tonight and you didn't really care. Tonight was all about relaxing, really letting yourself have a night of nothing. No social expectations, no small talk or knowing looks. Just you, Gina Linetti and a Pepperoni beauty.  

Sam had helped you remember that you’d come a long way these last few months, certainly further than the years before that. Setbacks were ok, and you were learning to be grateful for the progress and small stuff.

Forgiveness has to start with you.

You’re a good 2 hours in when the world goes black. Or the room, depends on the perspective. It should phase you, but it doesn’t. Truthfully, not much does anymore. Combat training and life experience will do that, you suppose. You wait a few minutes for the power to come back, but it doesn't. Steve’s nagging voice in your head about having emergency supplies for such occasions makes you laugh, having always dismissed him because the likelihood of that happening anywhere near Tony was infinitesimal and yet here you were cross-legged on your bed in the dark. He’ll love this.

It’s another minute or so before you huff and drag yourself out of bed, tentatively making your way to the door since you figure you better go find and somehow fix the generator. Everyone’s out, either on a mission or partying. Either way, you're on your own. Great.

In the hallways, the dim, blue back up lights are on giving you a better view after your eyesight adjusts to it. You march down the hall towards the stairs, not bothering to put on shoes in your hurry to get there and back, annoyed more than anything that this happens tonight when Tony isn’t here to take care of it. A quick eye roll at your own selfish thoughts, how quick you lean on him for these types of things. It's quiet, nothing more than the soft hum of the dim lights and the slap of your feet on the concrete, a melodic soundtrack that despite your best reasoning makes the hairs on your arms stand.

Slap Slap. Slap Slap. Surely regretting the hasty exit without those shoes now, the cold starting to seep into your toes.

You finally, finally, reach the room where the generator is, can just about make out the sign on the door and the Tony-esque warnings not to enter. It's large, heavy and takes most of your body weight to shift open but with surprisingly little noise. Figures that Tony has even his doors to near perfection. So you enter, silent, close the door quiet behind you and step further into the room. It's hotter, you notice, but also duller. Harder to make out the shapes of things, dark silhouettes give little indication where you might begin fixing the problem. You smooth your feet along the floor, careful not to overstep or miss anything, the last thing you need is ending up breaking a leg and starving to death all because you tripped over your own feet. Steve's words come back to haunt you again.

“You never know when you might need a torch, Y/N.”

Damn Boy Scout. The fucking irony.

As you get further into the room you start to make out more shapes, glance and peer along the wall until you see what might resemble a switchboard and slowly head to it. When you open the box and run your hand over the labels, it's really at this point you truly understand just how out of your depth you are.

Over 50 switches stare down at you, mocking you. Shit.

Is there an on switch? Ha!

You run a hand down your face in almost defeat, figure there's nothing for it and start flipping switches on and off at random, pausing for small moments in between for any effects. Tony will understand, you think, maybe. Probably.

“I'm not sure that's helping.” The voice comes out of the dark behind you and startles you so much you fall forward and smash your hand against 10 or so switches at once, heart thumping wildly against your ribs like it might crack them open.

You know exactly who it is, once your brain catches up, know exactly the voice and the soft tones behind it.

Bucky.

There's fear mixed with relief, but not fear of him, at least not that you can determine. It's all muddled inside you but your surer now that the relief is that it's him and no one else, and that's a new and welcome feeling.

“Shit, sorry.” He rushes out as you spin to face him, “Didn't mean to scare you.”

“No, you didn't.” You rush back, “I mean yes, I was expecting anyone to be here...but you didn't scare me.”

You watch him process the thing you're saying without saying, squint a bit in the darkness to witness the softening of his brow and small, almost infinitesimal widening of his eyes. He gets it. You hope. It's dark, sure, but you can still make out his face and it's the first time you really stop and take notice of it, without the demons. Really notice the slant of his lip into that curve, or the stellar lines of his jaw and think, objectively of course, that he was probably a hit with the ladies back in the day. His day.

He shifts a little on his feet and you realise you’re staring, but also that he is too. He's so unsure of you, so unsure of himself, shifting from one foot to the other like he's clearly uncomfortable, a vast contrast to his unflinching gaze. Like he won't move till you move. You break the stare with a few blinks and give him your back, gesture a bit at the switchboard, “So, uh, clearly I know what I'm doing… got any ideas?”

“Yeah, can I?” He points at the board and you move to let him see, step back a bit to keep the distance and watch him run along the board with a finger reading the numbers and letters like they make any sort of sense (which they don't). His fingers move over the switches you flipped, switching them back and then, you assume, makes a few calculated decisions. On the last one, there's a faint him and click, before the lights blink back on and blind you both a little.

“Well, color me impressed.” You say, and you mean it. He has fixed what you were so clearly not, and in less than 60 seconds. Perhaps Tony was teaching him a few things?

“Hhmm. I guess I learned a lot of things over the years.” He turns and heads towards the door, “After I learned how to remember, that is.”

Of course...the memory wipes. You’d heard a bit about it, but never really thought about it. Another thought barrels right to your gut, if he remembers things like this, he probably remembers it all, right? He remembers it all.

You get so lost in your own terrifying thoughts that you don’t understand Bucky’s look at first. They way he turns back to you, frustration and apprehension written on his face. So it takes you a few seconds to read him, see what he’s feeling and finally, “What is it?”

“The doors locked.”

Forever:  @manawhaat @theashhole @a-little-hell-to-raise @peculiar-persephone  @captain-rogers-beard @chrisevansnco @howlingbarnes @poealsobucky @vintagevalentinexx @abovethesmokestacks @imhereforbvcky @avengerofyourheart @anakin-skywalkers @shellhaeds @stormy-thomas @danijimenezv @buchonians @stevergxrs @lancefvcker @betheboo55 @palaiasaurus64 @raxacoricofallapatoriuspotter @johnmurphys-sass @katbird787 @because-imma-lady-assface @stephie-senpai @movingonto-betterthings @sexyvixen7 @hollycornish @feelmyroarrrr @jobean12-blog  @justreadingfics @justareader @smoothdogsgirl @theliarone @aikibriarrose @timeladylaurel @badassbaker @earinafae @crushed-pink-petals @purgatoan @tardis-is-mine @httpmcrvel @bucky2-0 @mocking-rain @sociallyimpairedme @jezzula @bless-my-demons @winterboobaer @ign-is @indominusregina @-supernatural-coffee-llama @alwayshave-faith @itsonlysarah @thelastxgoodthing @superwholocknda @shifutheshihtzu @mizzzpink @yknott81 @haven-in-writing @xtina2191 @reniescarlett @simplyme8308 @notsoprettykitty @tinaferraldo @wickedwerewolf @ayeputita @tori-medusa-belongs-to-bucky @winchesterswantmypie @tatalopes23 @mirkwood---princess @pineapplebooboo @mizzezm @thefridgeismybestie @memory-of-a-goldfish @supernatural-girl97 @anyakinamidala @ayeputita @standing-onthe-edge

Bucky:  @beautiful-aravis @miss-mcbotty @bucky-is-my-precious @thing-you-do-with-that-thing @its-daydreamer23 @learisa @the-observant-fangirl @borkybeans @almost-dean-inside @nerdy-gal316 @brandybucky @creideamhgradochas @beefthief247 @waywardpumpkin @assbutt-son-of-a-bitch @kaaatniss @blacwings-and-bucky-barnes @ladylizzieofdarbyshire @impalaimages @swimmeranxiety @c-olpevole

Through His Eyes:  @ginger-wayward-assbutt @buckyappreciationsociety @blacwings-and-bucky-barnes @miss-mcbotty @beefthief247 @luckygrahams @borkybeans @ailynalonso15 @nottheopera @marvelrevival @marvelandwinchesters927  @nairobi13 @4theluvofall @poeticblissme @letsgetfuckingsuperwholocked @wowspideyholland @vandread1989 @edward-lover18

#kale writes #through his eyes #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #winter solder x reader #marvel fanfiction

[courage-a-word-of-justice]

Cells at Work! 13 (FINAL) | Double Decker! 2 | Slime Datta Ken 1 | Run with the Wind 1 | Bakumatsu 1 | Zombieland Saga 1 | DakaIchi 1 | Radiant 1 | SSSS.Gridman 1

Warning for discussion of 18+, potentially triggery things within the DakaIchi discussion...and the nature of that show being a yaoi will tell you whether you want to read that discussion in the first place. (There are full stops and lines around it in case you want to dodge that particular part, since Radiant comes right after it.)

...Otherwise, have at it.

Cells at Work! 13 (FINAL)

Apparently “distal” just means your extremities…

For some reason, I already knew about the fact that you can die from losing one third of your blood…because I read a Tumblr post that was meant to be for action writers and it was about blood loss.

…Huh? Was this a blood transfusion? That would explain why these new RBCs are so clueless about our RBC. Update: Yup, guessed it.

Come to think of it, there’s a WBC Nendoroid and a Platelet one but no RBC. That’s a bit disappointing…

The WBCs using that wobbly stick thing in the background are amusing, eheh.

Anyways, that was fun, even if I did get used to the routine of RBC getting lost and WBC fighting antigens in the end. See you next time!

Double Decker! 2

We’re now properly in the fall season, and of course now that the first drop’s out of the way, we’re starting with the best show this season (at least for the moment).

So does that mean if we’re NEETs we’re not paying for these detectives…? Is this an incentive for people to pay their taxes (LOL)…? (Okay, I’m kidding, I’m kidding. Sheesh.)

DD Partners…? Sounds…uh, partnery, considering what DD stands for.

Why is Travis blinking so much when he’s apologising…?

Snarky narrator is fun. I thought it was Kirill during ep 1 (or at least, it was for a bit), but now this narrator’s talking too much in 3rd person for it to be true. Maybe…it’s future Kirill. *collective facepalms from the peanut gallery* Or maybe it’s Kirill and a narrator, and Kirill will then break the 4th wall somewhere.

Now that’s monkeying around…LOL. *gets pelted by tomatoes* Oh c’mon, can’t I get in a decent joke around here?!

Well, as much as the can thing Doug does to Kirill is tropey for anime, I gotta admit this ain’t monkey busin-eh? You want me to stop with the jokes? Aw. Fine then, I’ll stop…

There’s something utterly relatable about having gone down the path of your dreams, only for it not to work out. In fact, I think I’m going down that path right now and I need to decide where to head next. That’s why I’m watching this episode right now – to make sure I don’t regret my future, by focussing on the present with a good anime.

According to this link to Google Books I got when I googled “ignis” and “desperatio” together, this might have something to do with a Panegyric of the Saints…something to do with hell, worms, fire and despair…? Uh, wuh? Am I just investigating this the wrong way?

Sanctus Bridge? As in “sanctuary”? Wow, that’s…ironic.

The rabbit police mascot…you can see it on Deana’s dashboard, LOL. Plus the bird police mascot that goes with it.

The name shots you get of these criminals aren’t nearly as good as “dick suck” (sic) in Kekkai Sensen, but they’re pretty close. Plus they actually do have correct Japanese translations, unlike “dick suck” (LOL).

Seriously, what’s up with Doug’s head prodding? Is it to stop him from trichotillomania (which is the pulling out of hair)? I can see it getting vaguely annoying when the excitement of a new season wears off…

The CGI is kind of awkward in this. You’d need to stare at it for a bit to realise it’s CGI and it’s not the worst effort I’ve seen (*grumbles* Tsukigakirei *grumble*) but it’s still pretty bad…

Oh! Those doors! Is Doug’s car…a DeLorean? (dramatic piano SFX in background)

Was it just me, or did Kirill’s face go funny for a second as he was moping about how he didn’t get to do anything…?

“Let me be your Double Decker!” – That’s what he says as a double decker bus goes by…clever wordplay, huh?

“One is poverty. The other is class.” – Okay, my studies tell me that’s pretty much impossible. Even in social situations, you have a clear leader and subordinates. Poverty is fine and dandy in regards to giving the boot – heck, that’s why things like the Millenium Development Goals exist (or rather, existed in that case, since those were replaced in 2015) – but class? That’s a bit of a difficult one, unless you want to resort to hardline socialist methods, Marxist methods…or communist ones. Not that any of those are bad, it’s just that I happen to like capitalism,even with its flaws and no matter what imbalances it causes to others. It’s just that not having capitalism would mean everyone’s equal, but then everyone’s worse off as a result…because if everyone has the same stuff, no one is different and no one is diverse enough to make anyone special. Get what I mean?

I think this episode sold me even more on the show, the premise…the everything. Except maybe that “I want to get rid of class” part.

That Time I Got Reincarnated as a Slime 1

I just memorise this show as “Slime Datta Ken”, so if you’re wondering what that is…now you know.

What was that opening segment for, man…? This is just a boring isekai intro.

I’m laughing! He values his computer over his life? As much as I know I’m attached to my computer, you should prioritise 1) getting Mikami an ambulance, 2) stopping the blood flow or 3) just getting Mikami to preserve his own life. Not that I’ve ever been in a life or death scenario, but that’s common sense, even if it’s a bit nihilistic or unrealistic.

Seriously, there’s currently no pull but how intriguing these unexplained “acquisition” scenes are. Like seriously. Those effects are cool and somewhat intriguing in the same way as Juuni Taisen was.

The picture of a flower…where did it come from? A child? Hmm, interesting way to express such a though process.

The CGI of the reveal was actually really good. Like, Houseki no Kuni good!

Actually, this is very Houseki no Kuni. Reestablishing what it is that makes humans human and what causes a creature to live and all that.

I never knew a slime could be this expressive…

“I see you have guts.” – That’s probably something you shouldn’t say to a slime, LOL.

Oh! This reminds me of a writing piece I had to do one time where you had to tell a tale from a monster’s perspective and make them sympathetic. I wrote about a dragon, so there’s something nostalgic about this.

There really isn’t a lot of movement in this show. Not that I mind it – Juuni Taisen I used to love a bunch and that was based off a novel, but this is an LN-based show…the level of writing in this show is clearly from the LN camp, for one thing. How it got such great production values, however, is another question entirely…

The slime and dragon friendship that just formed made me wanna go “ET!”, just because the gesture they did to seal said friendship did kind of look like that, haha.

Mechasoft Doors MX…hey, I am getting my fix of anime OSs this season after all! Just…not in Gridman yet. Update: There are zero OSs in Gridman, not in episode 1 at least...

Oh wow! That fight scene was so darned cool! It makes me wanna see more already! And the fact he (I already know from promo material the slime’s name is Rimuru) uses his slime form and human form interchangeably…that’s even cooler!

The font down the bottom and up the top of the next episode box appears to say “Tensei Shitara Slime Datta Ken” (due to the frequency of one of the symbols that appears to be an S, then you do the same for E and you realise it works…then you realise the text is just stylised romaji). There are zeroes and ones on the left and right sides, which might correlate to Rimuru’s “analysis voice”…whatever that may be. Anyways, I’m pretty confident this’ll be something for my lineup, but it’s too early for judgement calls. It’s a keeper…for now.

Run with the Wind 1

Now here’s a show I didn’t expect to follow going in…I picked it up merely on ANN recs.

I’m laughing like a maniac! As much as it was a compelling opening, after the dude arrives on his bike and asks “Do you like running?” to a thief, I lost it. For some reason, I find it almost so unrealistic it became hilarious, in a stupid sort of way. Or maybe I just have a really bad sense of humour. Who knows?

That one guy running in the back in the OP is basically me every time I’m meant to do something physical. Even going up three floors via stairs gets me out of breath though and I live a fairly sedentary lifestyle, so I ain’t a good comparison.

That nickname “Shindo” puzzles me. I can’t think of a kanji combo that would result in wordplay with the characters for “god” and “child” using the name “Takashi Sugiyama”, but I guess maybe we’ll find out in a later episode…?

Thank…uh, goodness for the censorship on Musa…

Musa speaks unusually politely (because I noticed he used “gozonji desu” at one point, which is a keigo variant for “shitteiru”). Maybe it’s because they barely know each other that there’s keigo being flung about. That seems reasonable, at least.

There’s something authentic about this sense of camaraderie. I can tell because my extended family is huge, so gatherings are often like this but multiplied in scale.

“Tsuru no Yu” – Technically that translates to “Crane’s Bath”…”Public Bath” is the place’s purpose.

I was wondering why we’d somehow reverted to not having 10 dudes, but then they show this is actually Haiji’s perspective of the event from the start of the episode and show the scar on his knee. That’s gotta be important for later.

…and Haiji left his towel, LOL.

I still laugh every time I see Haiji’s stupid face (the one he makes when he asks “Do you like running?”).

I’ve associated the slurring of words like “yakusoku-ssu” to be for smol bishies like Yumoto, so having Haiji use it is a bit of whiplash. Then again, apparently that slurring is only used by men to assert their masculinity as far as I know…so, uh, yeah.

Actually…I’ve been wondering. How long are courses at this uni? Where I am, being a straight literature major is 3 years (assuming you also do other stuff that fulfils a straight Arts degree). Also, Fune wo Amu (by the same creator) is about a dude making a dictionary…hmm, so the creator really likes books.

Wait, as far as my short term memory operates, most of these guys at Chikuseisou do arts majors, aside from the law student and the smoker (who does engineering). They do literature or sociology, mostly. So if that’s correct…the author also likes sociology. I’ve been thinking about doing some sociology myself, it would really complement what I know about international studies.

As explained by Kyra, chiku – sei – sou. The sei means blue/green and the chiku means bamboo. Switching the two and reading them differently gives you “Aotake”.

Rent’s $300? Must be cheap, eh?

Also see Kyra’s post for information about the food-based suicide note.

The Kanto Gogakuren refers to this manga, Sakigake!! Otokojuku. It’s basically Again!!, but with more Fist of the North Star-style dudes.

Hmm…turns out you can refer to this show as KazeTsuyo. That’s going to make me confuse it with SekaTsuyo, though…(SekaTsuyo = Wanna Be the Strongest in the World!) Also, it turns out the character for “Kakeru” in this case means “to run” (normally it means “to dash” with a kanji normally used for flying). Wait…did I ever mention how much this show’s aesthetic visuals always look as if they’re a Powerpoint theme (see images below)? They do look like that, don’t they?

I still have no idea why Kakeru has a bad case of resting b**** face, but…uh yeah, forget I said that. The sound direction in this show’s really nice. It really takes advantage of quiet moment to insert natural sounds.

I think if you go “yes!” when Haiji says “I’m going to win over all the dudes”, then you’re sold on the show. I did go “yes”, just without speaking. You know those feelings you only get in your gut and heart? Yeah, like that.

Huh? I noticed a dude called Bruce Chiou is in the credits and he’s definitely on RErideD this season too…

Out of this one, Slime Datta Ken and Double Decker it’s ranked last, but this show’s still a pretty strong addition to the seasonal lineup. Only time will tell if I kick it out or not…

Bakumatsu 1

The only experience I have with this era in anime is Bakumatsu Rock, I think…and that means I don’t know much about it.

Actually…considering the OP, scratch that. I know a bunch because of Touken Ranbu and other similar historical shows.

A…boob window? On a man? I get the black skintight vest is meant to be sexy, but I can’t see the point of that diamond…it’s just something extra for the animators and the illustrators to deal with.

C’mon. Can we not have Dudes Swishing Their Swords at the 4th Wall as something meant to hype up the audience? It’s a cliché, almost as bad as the running scenes you often get in OPs and EDs…Seriously, I can’t believe I’m getting mad at 10 dudes swinging their swords like this (specifically I’m getting mad because they were all in succession – doesn’t matter if it was in time to the music or not).

Okay, who transplanted WWI into this? I know that’s the point of the show, but the sepia really sold the idea of “this is meant to be Old-Timey Wimey Stuff and whoever’s meant to be watching is meant to be a history buff so they can spot the difference”.

Part of the ep title is “Mou Ichido no Bakumatsu”, so a better translation is “The Bakumatsu (Era) – Again!”

Wait, I thought Kondo was meant to look hotter than this (especially because he had what appears to be a coin – or an old-timey family crest – on his head). The frumpy mouth doesn’t sell the goods, yo.

Somehow…I knew Katsura would have glasses. He has them in Bakumatsu Rock. But is it historically accurate to have glasses in the Bakumatsu era, though?

Come to think of it…something that controls time would be pretty hard to destroy, no?

I think I read on ANN that swords being too big to draw in ship quarters is accurate. Hmm.

If this is such an important treasure…then why not have more padlocks on it? Or more guards closer to it (although those guys probably ran away)? Or some other protection around it? Couldn’t this supposed Yoshinobu-sama fight for himself?...Then again, I think this is just a case of overthinking. (insert MST3K mantra here)

Puh-lease. As much as I want a kunoichi (lady ninja) in my shows, don’t make them Naruto run. That’s one of my pet peeves…

Uh…Hagi? That’s probably it, considering there’s a river in the show.

Kakesoba.

Kamaboko.

Tanuki soba.

Well, there’s something to be said about being able to steal Shinsengumi jackets while the men are eating noodles. At least it didn’t involve knocking them out though (weak LOL).

Okay…why do the Shinsengumi look like waiters now? As much as I like a dude in a waiter suit, if I wanted a waiter, I’d go to a fancy French restaurant…

I feel like I’m being clubbed over the head with themes in this show. C’mon, have more tact than that.

There’s basically no chemistry between these guys (Katsura and Shinsaku). How did they meet?

Wait, so Darker Blue is Sakamoto if Green is Katsura and Red is Shinsaku? Sakamoto (Ryouma) is the redhead in Bakumatsu Rock, isn’t he? Okay then. But who’s White?

Seriously, Shinsaku. Learn from the kunoichi and stay quiet and stealthy. I don’t need another shonen hero…

Oh man, Toshizou is normally one of the Shinsengumi I like best (or at least I recognise his name more) out of these kinds of shows. If he has Perma-Scowl, I can’t possibly like this version.

Oh goodness. Souji’s a friggin’ sadist. Come to think of it though, I think this (Okita) Souji looks like the one from Gintama.

Why does Toshizou sound a frigton like any given Touken Ranbu sword…?

If that katana is symbolic…Toshizou must be hecka masculine, LEL. (Note: A “LEL” is not quite a LOL, it’s mostly done in jest. If anything, it’s probably about half a LOL.)

If that blonde ain’t Abe no Seimei, Yoshinobu-sama or some other important historical figure I know the name of, I’m eating my hat! (Not that I’m wearing one, it’s a figure of speech.)

I like Sakamoto’s face here, but man, I get distracted by the man candy below it…(i.e. his abs and bare chest, LOL. What did you think I was referring to?)

Oh great. (sarcastic) Sanada Yukimura almost always has that silly helmet, ever since Sengoku Musou I’ve pretty much tried to run away from it. I’d recognise it anywhere.

Who had the grand idea of letting Sanada keep his horse, anyway?

Okay, as much as I like making snarky comments, I made one too many here, methinks. Time for the drop pile.

Zombieland Saga 1

I read spoilers just a little bit, so I know the main twist is “zombie idols that sing death metal” already. If you didn’t want to know that at this point…sorry.

Whoa! They killed their protag off the bat? Not that I didn’t know that wouldn’t happen (already knew it would), but that’s gutsy. Truck-kun, go back to your darn isekai shows already.

Okay, I know this is a schoolgirl, but can we not with Sakura’s Schoolgirl Run for Dainty Ladies? This is a zombie show, dangit. Run properly. Can we also not with the boob jiggle?

Well, that’s one way to defeat a police officer (or get yourself arrested): Spade to the Brain.

Otsumami appears to be the name for the squid in Kotaro’s pocket.

You can’t see Kotaro’s eyes, even behind those sunnies…hmm…

Wow. Miyano sounds like he’s having such fun voicing Kotaro, y’know?

From the flyer: “They are coming soon from the underground...” Yup, that’s right, alright. Zombies have already come from the underground.

Tae’s credited under ????. They’re still holding out on us!

It seems like a pretty good keeper, provided you can keep up with who’s who.

.

..

...

DakaIchi 1

Yep, the BL anime. Thought I’d never try one? Think again.

As much as I do think I’d want to be hugged by Takato, his face…makes him look like he came out of Junjou Romantica…? Uhh…awkward.

Please don’t let this be a work full of sadism and BDSM. I’m not that kinky, y’know…?

Uh, if you ever knew “boundaries”, Azumaya, that would be great. Thanks.

LOL, what a way to win a dude over. $10! That is cheap for a star.

I’m still wondering if this all constitutes “assault” or some other illegal business. I mean, Takato agreed to everything under the influence of a bunch of drinks.

LOL, the director’s shirt says “concentration”. As in, “focus on the stuff you’re doing”.

Hey wait, how does anyone pull off a kabedon on an operation curtain?!

Uh…maybe it’s just my inexperience with the genre, but…what the heck was that scene with the feathers?

Dangit, Yaoi Hands. If I weren’t so aware of you already, you wouldn’t be breaking the immersion of this show!!!

Random Dance Ending? I so did not expect that, I’m laughing as a result.

Uhh…I cannot believe I did that. I watched an episode of a yaoi anime and coveredit without it ruining my pride! To think I watched 18+ shoujo ai before 18+ shonen ai is really something I cannot get my head around, though…not that I will ever tell you which shoujo ai show I watched. So…uh, it was actually pretty decent aside from the “I don’t get what the heck this scene is meant to be” bits which are probably staples of the genre.

...

..

.

Radiant 1

Uhh…why do I feel like I’m watching Deltora Quest for the 3rd time? Not that Deltora Quest is bad, it’s just too stereotypically high fantasy.

Mahoutsukai. Literally “mage”, but could be “wizard” or “sorcerer” if you went with it loosely. Then again, the French word for sorcerer must be pretty close to the English one which should be enough of a guide for translators, right?

Eh? It’s an…elephant –cow? What is this, Avatar  the Last Airbender? (half-snarking)

I think as the show goes along, its comedic timing is actually getting…better. That’s something, huh?

The show’s just a tiny bit too heavy-handed with its themes of racism or whatever sorcerers stand for. Then again, this is a shonen show. It’s allowed to be this way.

Geez, stylised English really is the order of the day for anime these days, huh? Lessee here…Alma’s…uh, Observatory, I think it says…?

Uh…all this talk about grimoires is giving me bad flashbacks…bad, screamy flashbacks involving a certain Asta…

I just noticed Alma gets referred to that way by Seth. Are these two not related, even though they share the same house (?) and hair colour?

Oh great. (sarcastic) Toilet humour. One of my worst enemies, aside from fanservice…

What’s up with the bat (?)? It knd of seems to be Alma’s…

Hey, I…think I know this kind of story too well. It’s going to eventually end, after a long run, with an adult Seth and that girl from one of the key visuals together…or something. Shonen are weird like that. They always end with a happily ever after and an adult protagonist, or the “the adventure just keeps happening!” sort of thing…y’know?

The plural of Nemesis is “Nemeses”, but it seems the book Seth read said “Nemesis’ Egg”. So the plural is the same as the singular in this case.

Huh? They chose to put both fancily-written French and then Japanese under it, as a homage to the French origins of this work? Huh, interesting.

Tommy’s saying “Gyaaaaah!” not “Yaaaaaaah!” - there’s a difference between those two, y’know?

SSSS.Gridman 1

As a self-professed fan of heroes who never actually got into tokusatsu because I keep missing Power Rangers when it airs on local TV stations, this and Garo are filling in a genre space I never really had until I started wandering tokusatsu wikis...which was before the live-action Power Rangers came out, methinks.

Why do I feel like I’ve seen this font (the one “SSSS.Gridman” is written in)? I thought it was a Calvin Harris music video, since I have a few downloaded legally (due to a CD I found in one particular library), but Harris’s font is slightly different to this one…Well, after some experimentation, it seems to be Arial with extra kerning.

“Amnesiac” is starting to become an anime trope in itself…

Seven-Two-One, LOL.

Ahh, children in puberty. Can’t tell whether relationships are romantic or just platonic. (wistful)

If Utsumi isn’t the goth dude from earlier, I’m eating my hat! (Not that I’m wearing one right-oh, I’ve used this joke before, haven’t I?)

…dangit, now I have to eat my metaphorical hat. By the by, I thought Utsumi was an Ume sort of character (as in, the type who would usually get voiced by Yuichiro Umehara), but no, it was Soma Saito.

The girl with the purple hair reminds me of the Administrator (or whatever her name is, the AI) from Yakusoku no Nanayamatsuri.

Regardless of whether the scene was with volume or not, that awkward pause between Shinjo, Utsumi and Hibiki went just a weeny bit too long…

When Takarada approached Utsumi and Hibiki, the colours of her earphones and eyes really popped!

They seem to treat memory loss as something minor, like a cold. It’s a bit awkward, I think.

Utsumi, kid. If you think computers from the 70s and 80s are huge, you should see server rooms! Those computers are huge! Not to mention, the first computers filled up entire rooms (just like servers do). Even portable server units are about a good 160 cm tall with wheels…oh, you don’t want to hear me prattle on about this? Okay, moving on.

“This really is a pile of junk, huh?” I had to go back and check someone hadn’t skipped a word – they did skip the word, in fact.

T-This is what Trigger have held out on us for? A monster like this looks terrible in CGI, man. Even if it is one of the better efforts. I mean, the eyes don’t even look in the same direction…

Why does Utsumi refer to the computer as “Junk”?

The Ultra series? Y’mean Ultraman?

Let’s just say…Gridman looks much better than the kaiju here.

They didn’t even dispose of the kaiju head properly, LOL.

I feel like the battle didn’t quite get my blood boiling. (Probably because I was grumbling too hard at the kaiju and the parts where the execution got a little too silly.) I’ll put it on hold and see if it gets better in a few episodes, but I’m not holding my breath. Since this is Trigger, it could pull off some great stuff if it tried…it’s just this seemed a little soulless in comparison to everything else I’ve seen them do. Or maybe my increased consumption of anime this year has left me jaded...

#DakaIchi - I'm Being Harassed by the Sexiest Man of the Year #Tensei Shitara Slime Datta Ken #Kaze ga Tsuyoku Fuiteiru #chesarka watches hataraku saibou #double decker! doug and kirill #hataraku saibō #DakaIchi #that time i got reincarnated as a slime #Bakumatsu #Zombieland Saga #simulcast commentary #Radiant #SSSS.Gridman #run with the wind #Chesarka watches ZLS #Chesarka watches Double Decker! #Chesarka watches SSSS.Gridman

[deepblueruin]

If Your Loved Ones Have Anxiety, This Is To Help You Understand What It's Like

When I’m having anxiety issues, it can be hard to explain to people what is happening to me. So I put together a Twitter thread to try and capture what it’s like. However, the format didn’t feel big enough to accommodate the details.

At the same time, I also suffer from the great disease of our generation: The TL;DR Disease. 

So I’m going to rely on lists and GIFs to make sure you stay with me till the very end.

(GIF credit: Oh Shut Up Harry Tumblr)

Things to know about anxiety:

Anxiety expresses itself differently in different people.

One person can feel different magnitudes of anxiety within the same day.

Sometimes there is a direct and significant trigger, say an angry text from your boss, and sometimes there isn't.

Things to know about me in this context:

I am not a psychology, counseling, therapy or psychiatry professional.

I am, therefore, not qualified to create an all-knowing, comprehensive list.

However, I do have anxiety issues and can try and offer a glimpse of what it feels like.

What happens to me when anxiety strikes:

My heart starts to pound in my ears. 

My pulse races and my breathing involuntarily becomes faster and shallower, like I’m running up a flight of stairs.

This actually happens while I’m doing something mundane like going to bed or taking a shower or sitting in the passenger seat of a car.

It often feels chemical or physiological, like something’s seriously wrong with my body.

I feel a constriction in my chest. Like someone’s pulling and pulling the strings to a corset that’s already three sizes too small.

I often experience what I like to call a Rumbly In My Tumbly. This is a tame phrase for the way my stomach rumbles and churns with something sickening, thick and glutinous.

I've gone impeccably dressed to job interviews only to ask to use the bathroom minutes later because I just have to go 💩 .

Sometimes my whole body will clench.

At other times, it’s just one body part that I clench involuntarily. I don’t even realise it until I wake up the next morning with a sore butt or a pulled calf muscle.  

At crucial work moments, my throat will choke up while talking like there's a wooly sock down it.

I blank out. I forget what I was doing or about to do. 

I have left several exams feeling lightheaded and wobbly in the knees – like I might collapse any second.

And of course there is the embarrassing cherry on the cake: Uncontrollable crying. Like no matter what I do, the tears won’t stop. 

(GIF Credit: Lysergic-Asshole Tumblr)

Other people’s anxiety is different.

My friends have felt nausea, vomiting, sweaty palms. They’ve felt their own bodies going cold or shutting down.

Some people report feeling like they’re having a heart attack. This is a full, high blown panic attack and needs medical attention.

Some patterns of thoughts in my head during high-anxiety situations (in random order):

I feel like I’ve completely lost control over the situation. (There’s nothing that can fix this/I don’t see any options.)

I blame myself for everything, even things outside my scope of influence. (It’s all my fault. Everything I come in contact with goes to shit)

I make gross generalizations (Nothing will ever change/ Maybe I’m just stupid/ I’m not fit to be a filmmaker)

I fail to see a way out of the situation (If I leave this job/relationship/project, it means I’m... lazy/callous/someone who gives up easily)

I obsessively focus on what others think of me (She must think I’m a bitch / He’s going to think I don’t have it in me to survive at a job like this)

I submit completely to the idea that something larger is at play. (My luck is just fucked/I’m being punished for that time I broke that person’s heart)

I imagine the worst outcome in every situation. (I’m going to reach 5 and a half minutes late and my boss will fire me/He’s going to hear what I have to say and break up with me)

I script entire scenes of what people might say and how I should respond in a situation that I think is going to be tense.  

These thoughts don’t occur in isolation. It’s more like setting off a sequence of infinite dominoes.

Without coping mechanisms, I will replay these thoughts in my head until I’ve grown physically sick or exhausted.

Everything is colored in overpowering dread.

GIF credit: Cartoon Network

Important things to remember:

The anxious person in your circle may be exhibiting totally different symptoms. Learn to watch for them.

If your friend is good at covering up physical symptoms, their high-anxiety thoughts will manifest in casual speech.

Anxiety can impair people’s responses in social situations. Your person could get aggressive or emotional without significant triggers.

Anxiety is that it takes up so much of your attention, you forget important tasks and events. The consequences of this create feelings of shame, frustration and even more anxiety.

Things that help me:

Writing my thoughts in a journal

Talking

Giving myself permission to cry (Either I do this privately or in strictly in the company of non-judgmental people)

Unhooking my bra / Loosening a button / Taking off a jacket

Changing into something comfortable if the situation permits

Drinking a glass of water slowly and deliberately

Bathing in cool water

On particularly bad symptom days, lying down/curling into a fetal position

A nap

Eating helps, but I have to be very, very careful because it can often send me into a spiral of emotional overeating.

Taking a small walk/removing myself from a hostile situation

Listening to calming music or affirmation tapes

Making extensive notes about pending tasks that are stressing me out

My mum sent me this excellent video about breathing techniques.

My friend Sukanya taught me about tapping. This video explains the technique.

How you could help your anxious friend/child/partner:

First things first. Respectfully encourage the person to see a counselor.

If a counselor suggests your friend should see a psychiatrist, be supportive. Medication works for many people.

If your friend is anxious at the idea of taking medication, encourage them to ask as many questions as they need to.

Listen to your friend.

Ask if they want to be touched or held. Respect explicit consent. (Do not hug a person having a panic attack; it could potentially choke them)

If you see research-backed material about coping with anxiety, do share with them. It’s a nice way to show acceptance.

Speak in your calmest, indoor voice.

It’s okay to offer perspective, but try not to do it in a way that belittles the anxious person.

If you think you have feedback for your person, give it respectfully. Gently point what behavior you think they could change. If you must criticize, criticize a behavior not the person.

“Hey I know you’re going through a lot, but you used some really harsh words back there” is better than “You’re a mean person.”

Expect resistance. Gentle nudging is okay, but don’t aggressively push someone.

It can be frustrating to watch someone panic about something that you think is trivial. Try not to let it get to you. Temporarily remove yourself from their company if you find their anxiety affecting you. In the long run, this is better for everyone.

Finally, this is hard but give your friend the permission to remove themselves from your company if they tell you it makes them anxious. Try not to hold a grudge about this.

Some things you should avoid saying in anxiety situations:

Is there a way to fix this problem once and for all? 

Calm the fuck down.

Stop overthinking. (It’s a great idea but howwwww? Like how does anyone do it? If you find out, please tell me)

Is your period due? (Note: this doesn’t upset me personally because I genuinely experience high anxiety before my period. So it serves as a reminder. But it could trigger other women so if you must ask, be respectful)

Wow. So you made it to the end. 

(GIF Source: Yseult Tumblr)

If you’re a friend/partner/ally to a person with anxiety, and you made it this far, I’m sending you warm fluffy fluffs. You care enough about your anxious buddy to read a long-ass post from a stranger on the internet. 

If you’re a person with anxiety, I give you props. And hope and love and strength to get through this day and the next. 

I’m pretty sure I’ve missed out a lot. Feel free to add your thoughts. Originally, this was a long twitter thread and if you wish to read it in its original form, go here.

#anxiety #help #ally #mentalhealth #health #panic attack #longwrite