#also haven't been active cause i'm really sick

[hotchshands]

A Pleasant Surprise

masterlist

Summary: Hotch starts noticing things about you; You've been eating more, gaining a little weight, craving more attention, and sleeping more. He just assumes it's nothing to worry about until he realizes the real reason why you've been changing.

Pairings: Aaron Hotchner x pregnant!reader

Word Count: 1.1k

Contains: fluff, mentions of pregnancy symptoms, established relationship, mentions of body insecurity, no use of y/n, hotch's pov

A/N: Hotch's toothy smile gets me every mf time!

There was something off about you. Hotch had known it for weeks but couldn't put his finger on it. You seemed to be eating more than you typically would; in fact, you gained weight at your last doctor's appointment. Hotch would remember cause you came back from the doctor's office pouting and asking him if you "looked fat." Hotch immediately ran to your side to comfort you, telling you how beautiful you are. Five pounds heavier or not, you will always be beautiful to him. After that, Hotch made sure to keep a closer eye on you. He noticed you changing more and more every day.

Typically, you'd only get around seven hours of sleep if you were lucky, but now you sleep around nine hours a day. You were also more mushy than normal. You never really liked physical touch, and Hotch understood why, as he, too, was not a big fan of touch either, but lately, you have been craving his touch. During the day, you would sit close to him at the round table and on the plane, reach for his hand whenever it was empty, and play with his fingers. At night, you would crawl into bed as soon as possible and rush to his side to cuddle. Hotch loved this new side of you. He loved the attention and love you gave him every day, but he couldn't help but wonder why.

One day after work, it finally hit him.

You both had finally gotten home from work. Jack was already asleep in his room, and it was almost time for you and Hotch to sleep. After exiting Jack's room, Hotch could see you in the kitchen. The lights were dim, but he saw you grabbing a tub of ice cream from the freezer. You grabbed a bowl and scooped three decent-sized scoops of vanilla ice cream before putting the tub in the freezer. You then grabbed some cookies from the pantry, breaking pieces off into your bowl of ice cream. Hotch continued to watch you from afar, analyzing your every move, trying to pinpoint the cause of this new behavior. He came up blank.

You moved the ice cream into your room, sat on the bed under the covers, and began to feast on your late-night treat. Hotch followed you in curiosity before asking, "Ice cream and cookies? I'm surprised you have the energy." You shrugged in response, ignoring Hotch's comment. Maybe he shouldn't have said anything, he thought to himself as he walked into the bathroom to brush his teeth. Mid brush, he could hear the sound of the TV on. The noise made him drift off into thought. He listed out everything that has changed in you and began compiling a list of possible causes. Stress? Nope, it can't be that since your lives are always stressful, and they haven't been more or less stressful in the past few weeks. Could it be your depression? Hotch doubted it. You have been taking your medication regularly, never missing a dose, and you wouldn't crave attention in a depressive state. Maybe it's biological, not mental. Were you sick? You weren't coughing, wheezing, or sneezing. Then it slowly started to hit him.

Hotch spits out the toothpaste when he begins to get flashbacks to when Haley was pregnant with Jack. He remembers the morning sickness, the increase in appetite, the need for him to be around 24/7, and the pain. He wiped his mouth on a towel nearby, not really much attention to what he was doing. Could you be? Nope. You were taking birth control, and you guys haven't really been sexually active lately. The last time you had sex was before all this change.

Hotch looked over at you from inside the bathroom. You were in the same position as before, eating your ice cream while watching what appeared to be some crime show. Funny how you go from working on crime cases to watching crime cases unfold on the big screen. He returned to his nighttime routine, moving into the bedroom to grab pajamas. He could tell that you were watching his every move out of the corner of his eye. He chucked to himself before going back into the bathroom to change. While changing, his mind returned back to your predicament. He couldn't help but return to the pregnancy theory as he secretly hoped it was true. You weren't in any type of pain, though, and no morning sickness. That is when he remembered overhearing you talk about your mom's love for being pregnant.

"I swear if my mom didn't have her tubes tied, she would love nothing more than to be pregnant again. All she did was walk around naked eating chocolate," you said while sitting at your desk.

Derek and Emily looked a bit terrified, but Spencer didn't. In fact, Spencer went on a rant about how DNA can affect a pregnancy and how everyone can have an array of symptoms. "It's quite common for people to experience pregnancy differently. In fact, research has shown that genetics can factor into nausea experienced during pregnancy. So, based on that, you'll probably have a smooth pregnancy like your mom," Spencer informed the group.

"Ok, pretty boy, you need to stop reading those pregnancy books JJ has," Derek says as the group returns to their respective work.

Oh my God. You were pregnant. That had to be why you acted differently these last few weeks. Hotch quickly finished getting dressed before running into the bedroom. "You're pregnant," he says quite loudly before jumping on the bed and putting your ice cream on the nightstand beside you so he can hug you.

"I'm what now?" You asked, looking at Hotch confused.

Hotch released you from his embrace, placing his hands on your face. "You, my love, are pregnant. We're pregnant," he spoke softly, only to return to hugging you tightly. You sat in silence, too stunned to speak. You tried to wrap your head around the idea of a baby growing inside of you, but you just couldn't understand why Hotch thought you were pregnant. "I'm pregnant?" you asked Hotch as if trying to convince yourself of it. Hotch pulled away from your body to look down at you. He could see the worry and confusion on your face, and he began to wonder, "Do you not want a baby?"

You looked away for a moment to think about it. It's not that you never wanted a baby, but you just couldn't imagine having one. You guys already have Jack, which was enough for you, but the more you thought about it, the more you smiled at the idea. Hotch is already an amazing father, and you weren't the worst with Jack. The two of you could definitely make a second child work, and the team would be thrilled at the idea of yet another little member of the BAU.

You looked back at Hotch, staring into each other's eyes. You moved in and gave him a little kiss on the lips before whispering, "We're gonna have a baby."

#hotch x y/n #aaron hotchner x reader #aaron hotch x reader #aaron hotchner #aaron hotchner fluff #pregnant reader #hotch x reader #aaron hotchner fic #aaron hotchner x y/n #aaron hotchner x you

[extasiswings]

Okay, SO! In the category of "I think it's possible that Eddie has a brain tumor/is sick in some way":

Eddie is acting weird. Eddie has been acting weird from the beginning of the season, and I know there has been discourse about "it's just that we haven't seen him so happy before" but I respectfully submit that multiple things can be true at the same time. Eddie can be happy AND it can be out of character for him to impulsively drop everything to take a helicopter ride with his new friend he met two seconds ago to see a fight in Vegas (the last time we saw Eddie be truly impulsive I'd argue was S3, buying a truck while in the midst of a serious crisis). Eddie can be happy AND it can be out of character for him to ask his girlfriend of five minutes to move in (and I recognize that we were given an explanation from Eddie in the episode, but Eddie is an unreliable narrator and his explanation also doesn't totally square with what we've seen previously - him rushing introducing her to Christopher tracks, him jumping into moving her into his house without knowing basic information about her life does not).

Then there are the Eddie-coded calls. The guy with the alien hand who is all about rigid self control and being the master of yourself - his body turning against him not because the control failed but because of a blood clot in his brain. And now the guy with encephalitis (the same condition that ultimately caused Chim to hallucinate dead people), who has amnesia and has forgotten the marriage that ended in divorce but recalls the happy time before that when his wife was just his fiancee, the guy who was experiencing chest pains that he thought was a heart attack only for Chim to say he was having a panic attack. They had Eddie be so open about his own experiences with panic attacks and coping mechanisms in 7x01 for a reason - he's genuinely doing better with his own mental health and isn't ashamed or afraid of talking about his mental health struggles. But looking at these two calls, the underlying reason for the call (alien hand, amnesiac/presumed stalker in vent) theoretically could have had mental health explanations, but instead both resulted from physical ailments in the brain. [Tangent: I also think there's something really interesting in the potential callback to S5 and the way Eddie and Maddie were sort of mirrors - Eddie with a seemingly physical problem that was caused by a mental health issue, Maddie with a seemingly mental health issue that turned out to at least in part be the result of a physical problem]

Then there is whatever they're doing with ghosts. Shannon's ghost has lingered over the narrative and was actively put on screen in 7x01. For Chim in 7x06, the ghosts were hallucinations because there was something wrong with his brain. For Bobby, I'm guessing his arc with the burn unit nurse from his past will be more of a metaphorical haunting, bringing up any number of old ghosts (but I'm also going to guess his wife will be one). For Eddie...unclear. Ryan was filming with Devin (ostensibly for 7x09 but if they're doing anything with Shanon's ghost I'd be shocked if it wasn't introduced in 7x07, "Ghost of a Second Chance"), but she didn't exactly look like Shannon. Is she supposed to be Shannon? A dream or hallucination of a different or older her? Is she a real woman who just happens to look like her? If Eddie is hallucinating, then something is clearly very wrong. If it's a random woman and he's, idk, pursuing her in some way because he's drawn to her/the fact that she looks like his dead wife, that's still another point in the "Eddie is acting weird" column (because Eddie is a bad boyfriend and wasn't the greatest husband, but what he has never been is a cheater, even when he and Shannon were separated).

And then of course there's the will of it all. The will that Buck and Eddie haven't talked about since the shooting. Now, it's no secret I love the potential of a trapped dads experience circling back to the will, but I also think there is an argument to be made for a callback to "You're the guy who likes to fix things, maybe this isn't something you can fix." Because usually, when Eddie is in danger, Buck can do something about it, take some actionable step even if a futile one - he can dig through mud, he can drag Eddie's body out of the line of fire and into an ambulance and keep him alive. And for someone who, I would guess, still thinks of himself and the will as a backup plan/contingency, who if put in a trapped dads situation may not be able to stop himself from trying to save Eddie or, if necessary, sacrificing himself to do so, because in his mind, Eddie is Christopher's dad/who Christopher needs most, it is deeply compelling to imagine what happens if Eddie is in danger from something Buck can't fix, can't fight, can't save him from. And Eddie being sick in some capacity does that.

Anyway...I just think it would be Neat.

#chapel for ts #eddie diaz #911 spoilers #911 speculation

[magmagicstyle]

WHEN I WAS YOUR MAN (B)

(PART TWO (B) OF WHEN I WAS YOUR MAN (A) (“SO I CAN HAVE YOU BACK” SERIES))

⚠️WARNING⚠️: I mean… not really, maybe some violence because vampires need to eat and that… I guess sadness and long-ass descriptions also count… maybe

A/N: Hi there, it's been a while, haha.... So... Please remember that English isn't my first language, that I haven't been active for months and that I'm a tired college graduate. Thank you. ♥️ Hope you enjoy this crazy thing. That you forgive my spelling and grammatical mistakes, and that you can leave a heart or comment on your way out.

PART 1 - PART 2 - PART 3 - PART 4

It all just sounds like ooh, ooh, ooh, hoo

Mm, too young, too dumb to realize

That I should have bought you flowers

And held your hand

Should have gave you all my hours

When I had the chance

Take you to every party 'cause all you wanted to do was dance

If you had to explain the meeting with the kings in just a couple of words, those would be: unexpected and confusing. Of course, this would be simplifying the meeting in a way that is almost insulting, but what could you do about it? It wasn’t like you could put all your feelings in words and expect everybody to understand what you were trying to express. Still, unexpected and confusing could be the best choice of words, even if they were quite poor.

First of all, the kings were quite charming. 

That wasn't surprising, after all, they needed to have a certain charm in themselves to be able to rule over all the vampires in the world. Since, it didn't matter how strong they were, if all the vampires decided that the Volturi didn’t deserve their power, they would be able to dethrone them. So, they were charming in a way that made you want to follow them. 

Their words seemed to be carefully united in sentences meant for you to want to be with them while fearing the idea of disappointing them. Even Caius, the most ruthless and rude of the three had a certain charm to him that you couldn’t help but want to see more. Marcus was sad, that was quite obvious, apathy was a horrible and depressing sickness of which the king seemed to be a victim. Still, he was like a calm force that made you feel like you were alone in the middle of a forest far away from all human life, without the weight of the expectations that are tied to your mere existence. 

King Aro was another thing completely. 

First of all, he was gorgeous. His black hair was bright and framed a perfect angular and gorgeous face, his height and body were so symmetrical that they made you want to cry. His eyes shone with the playfulness and mischief of a man that has a kid’s soul… All of those traits should make you fall for him, should make you want to bend over your back to please him and to make his wishes come true but… Those beautifully perfect traits only made you want to hide and avoid being in his sight. 

He was so breathtaking that you knew that he could use and would use this as a weapon to get what he wanted no matter what. He was dangerous in a way that was pulling. It was like seeing a lion or a tiger, grand beasts, alluring and charming in a way that made you want to walk towards them and caress their magnificent coat, but dangerous in a way that you knew that as soon as you were close enough to them, you would be killed in a horrendous way. 

Of course, Aro knew your thoughts and at some point even your feelings, but luckily for you, he was mostly flattered by them. After all, he knew that you respected them and their way of ruling. Also, the fact that you were Carlisle’s mate was a plus for them, Carlisle was your friend and if you were his mate -even when being too good for him- then they would treat you with the same care as they treated their old friend. 

The weight of the moment was not lost on you as you stood before the Volturi, their powerful presence enveloping the grand throne room. Aro's warm and soothing tone resonated in your ears as he acknowledged your loyalty and the significance of your connection with Carlisle.

The mention of being Carlisle's mate had its own impact. It was both a validation and a reminder of the complexities of relationships, even among immortals. The Volturi, with their keen insight into the minds and hearts of others, understood the depth of your feelings and the conflict you had experienced. But rather than judgment, they responded with an unexpected and welcoming acceptance.

"Oh, you lost lamb," Aro's voice resonated through the grand throne room, laced with a mixture of sympathy and disappointment. His words carried a weighty truth, causing you to pause and reflect on the nature of your relationship with Carlisle. "A mate is a gift for our lonely existences. It's quite disappointing to see our dear friend acting like a foolish human, moved by sentiment and doubts when the world gifted you to him to accompany his days and nights."

As Aro spoke, his warm tone enveloped you, offering a semblance of comfort. His hand gently caressed your cold skin, the touch reminiscent of a father soothing a distraught child. For a brief moment, you closed your eyes, feeling the venom gathering within your eyes, a testament to the intense emotions stirring within. However, despite the overwhelming surge of emotions, you refused to succumb to tears. You had grown weary of being relegated to second place, undeserving of the love and recognition you craved.

In that moment, you resolved to forge your own path, to find happiness on your own terms. The words spoken by Aro reverberated in your mind, causing a newfound strength to surge within. You knew you deserved more than being treated as a secondary choice. The realization dawned upon you, illuminating a path toward self-discovery and embracing the love that awaited you.

With a renewed determination, you opened your eyes, meeting Aro's gaze squarely. The red hue of his irises pierced through your soul, acknowledging the fire that burned within you. You had come to Volterra seeking solace and answers, and now you found yourself entangled in the intricate web of vampire politics and profound connections.

In this grand throne room, where the fate of many was determined, you were offered a glimpse of a different future—one that held promises of love, power, and belonging. Aro's words, though steeped in disappointment, held a glimmer of opportunity. They resonated deep within you, stirring an unwavering resolve to embrace the life you truly deserved.

“Aro…” Marcus said in a whisper, breaking your train of thoughts and bringing you back to the current moment. Still, his voice was quite strong and deep in the middle of the silent throne room. Aro pulled away from you and in a blink of an eye, he was by his brother’s side. His hands were touching Marcus’ offered limb with the eagerness of a child that was in on a secret that nobody else could know. As soon as he finish watching what the other king was trying to show, he let out an elated giggle, looking at you and at Nikolas with bright and playful eyes. The red in Marcus’ and Aro’s orbs went directly through your soul.

“My kings?” Nikolas asked, looking at the three vampires sitting on their thrones. Caius, unlike other times, looked quite interested in your presence. It was clear that he was curious, but… why? 

“My dear brother has seen something quite interesting between you two…” Aro said while walking back towards where you were standing. “It’s almost impossible to find your mate, but to find your true mate, the one that is made for you no matter what, after being rejected by one of the possible mates in this world? That is priceless, never been heard of and now… now we are able to see it happening right in front of our eyes… That’s truly marvellous…” The long-haired king let out with an elated and mischievous tone of voice.

You looked directly and Nikolas, unable to explain how you felt over this development but also knowing that in the middle of the storm of emotions, part of it was pure happiness. After all, you weren’t alone. You wouldn’t be a second choice, not for this gorgeous creature in front of you. Nikolas put his hands over your cheeks and showed a charming and caring smile that only confirmed your thoughts. You really were the only one for him. 

“Child… What’s your gift?” Caius asked in a cold and a bit rude tone of voice, looking at the interaction without any care for the lovely dovely feeling that surrounded you and your just-found mate. 

“Oh, brother… must you interrupt this moment? Dear (y/n) over here, is a mirror, a magnificent mirror capable of coping, whipping back, or stopping another vampire’s gifts… Surely, he can become a fabulous addition to our guard… a powerful vampire willing to do anything to maintain the peace we are so used to and willing to eliminate or neutralize any threat against his beloved…” Aro said with a smirk while looking at you. 

You wouldn’t doubt it, not for a second. Your eyes shone with the possibility of staying in Volterra, with the idea of being part of one of the most powerful clans in the world, with the idea of helping and being appreciated while also being able to stay with your mate, to get to know the gorgeous creature that life sent for you. 

“Of course, my kings… I would be honoured to serve and protect…” You said while vowing in front of them, before lifting your head and looking at the three governors. While doing so, your eyes managed to catch three powerful and charismatic smiles. 

Now my baby's dancing

But she's dancing with another man

After your initial introduction to the Volturi kings and your acceptance of the prestigious position within their guard, it didn't take long for you to integrate yourself into the group of vampires that lived in the fortress. The grand halls of Volterra became your new home, and the enigmatic Volturi guard became your family.

The first encounters were with Demetri and Felix, the two, even if they acted like dorks most of the time, were actually quite formidable vampires who possessed both strength and skill that matched their intimidating presence. Of course, you knew that their appareance was just a mask, since as you spent more time with them, their rough exteriors and stoic expressions gave way to camaraderie, mutual respect and playful and caring bond that made you think of two older brothers that would prank you and protect you when necessary. You found common ground in your shared duties and the pursuit of safeguarding the Volturi's reign. Demetri's astute tracking abilities and Felix's unwavering loyalty became traits you admired and found solace in, knowing they would have your back no matter what.

Alec, a cold, stoic but loyal member of the guard, caught your attention with his unwavering devotion to the Volturi kings. There was an air of innocence about him, reminiscent of a young child in awe of their parents. His admiration for Aro and the others was palpable, and it painted a picture of pure loyalty and dedication to his duty and his masters. The more time you spend with him, the more you noticed how underneath his seemingly stoic exterior, there was a young vampire who yearned for guidance and approval, and you found yourself drawn to his endearing nature, wanting to comfort him.

Jane, the other youngest member of the guard -with her brother-, presented a unique challenge. Her rough edges and seemingly unyielding demeanour were a result of a past that had not offered her the kindness she deserved. As you observed her, same as with her brother, you sensed a need for guidance and compassion, the need for someone who could teach her the beauty of empathy and gentleness. With patience and understanding, you slowly broke through her defences, earning her trust and acceptance. It was a testament to your character and the genuine connections you forged within the guard.

The rest of the Volturi guard, comprising various vampires with their own unique gifts and histories, embraced your presence without hesitation. Their acceptance was solidified by the kings themselves, who had extended their open arms and entrusted you with the responsibility of protecting their dynasty. Your own gift, like Aro had explained in your first meeting, was quite unique and interesting, and it also made you an invaluable asset to the guard's arsenal.

But perhaps what solidified your place among the Volturi guard was the bond that had formed between you and Nikolas. The strength of your connection as mates was evident to all, and something that had not gone unnoticed by the guard. Nikolas, the captivating and powerful vampire with a charming smile and a fierce devotion to those he cared about, had taken a liking to you. His fondness for you only further cemented your acceptance within the guard, as nobody would dare provoke his wrath. After all, Nikolas was one of the strongest vampires in the whole guard, being considered an unbreakble shield for so long.

With each passing day, your role within the Volturi guard became more entrenched. You found solace in the shared purpose and the unspoken bond that tied you to these vampires. The tasks, training and work that they gave you helped you forget about your past life. Nikolas also helped. Your gorgeous mate, with his pale skin, strong physique, and dark hair that framed his unnaturally perfect face, possessed an irresistible charm that left a lasting impression. His captivating smile and alluring italian accent only added to his appeal, making him a figure of intrigue and magnetism within the Volturi guard. Sure, all the vampires were perfect, but meanwhile some didn’t look like they were meant to be considered in the group of unnatural beauty and magnetism, Nikolas was different. He had such an appearance that it made you think that even as a human, he would be considered superior among his peers. 

When you and Nikolas first crossed paths, the connection was immediate and undeniable. Of course that as mates, you wanted to be together. But while your instincts screamed for you to claim the other vampire as yours, your heart and mind was still healing from the pain that your relationship with Carlisle had left you. Nikolas was really kind and understood perfectly your doubts and fears. He, recognizing that you were still healing from your previous relationship with Carlisle, decided to proporse that you began your relationship as friends, taking the time to explore and nurture the blossoming bond between you.

During this time, the gardens of Volterra became your sanctuary, a tranquil haven where you two had found solace in each other's company. Nikolas and you would often spend hours in the middle of the vibrant flora, basking in the warm sunlight that filtered through the leaves that hid your shinning bodies. You would read together or to one another, your voices intertwining with the rustling of pages, as you delved into literature that sparked your curiosity and ignited your imaginations.

Long conversations became the foundation of your friendship. Those were the moments that helped you understand that Nikolas wasn’t only following his instincts. No, unlike Carlisle, he truly seemed to want to be around you. This allowed you to share your hopes, dreams, and even your fears with Nikolas. In return, he did the same, confessing his different thoughts and feelings in those afternoons hidden between the flowers of the garden. As the both of you opened up to one another, your connection deepened, each revelation strengthening the trust that you had cultivated with each other. You would speak of your gift, talking about the advantages and problems that it created for you, while Nikolas would tell you the tales of his immense strength and extraordinary tracking ability. 

Thanks to this interactions and moments together your friendship began to evolve, as stolen glances turned into lingering touches, and laughter filled the air whenever you were together. The chemistry between you was palpable, an undercurrent of desire simmering beneath the growing affection that bathed your exchanges. Yet, considering the time together and the need for reassurance, you two cherished the foundation you had built, unwilling to rush into something more before both of you were ready for a romantic connection.

Days turned into weeks, and weeks into months, as your friendship continued to flourish, to grow and get stronger. During this times, you found solace in each other's presence, a sense of belonging that you both had searched for so many years. Through shared adventures and quiet moments of vulnerability, you discovered a love that was both gentle and fierce, nurturing the deepest corners of your souls. It was like that, between conversations and soft touches that you confessed and accepted Nikolas’ proposal to continue your time together as lovers. 

Although it hurts

I'll be the first to say that I was wrong

Oh, I know I'm probably much too late

To try and apologize for my mistakes

But I just want you to know

As the moon cast its gentle glow upon the room, you found yourself lying in bed with Nikolas, this was the first time sharing a bed with your mate. The first time you decided to open yourself to him and to let the other vampire touch you in ways that only Carlisle had done before. Still, you weren’t scared and you didn’t have any doubts, your bodies close and your hearts filled with the fluttering excitement of newfound love. The coolness of your skin against each other only heightened the sensations, soft touches with such strong bodies, as you explored the depths of intimacy and romance.

Nikolas's eyes, filled with adoration and tenderness, met yours, and a soft smile played upon his lips. It was a look that spoke volumes, conveying the depth of his feelings without uttering a single word or even making a noise. You didn’t need it, the way he was looking at you, the way his fingers and lips touched your skin, his actions spoke more than any word in the world could say. At that moment, you knew that you were both embarking on a journey of love and connection, unlike anything you had experienced before… and even if you didn’t have any doubts, to begin with, this sensation only reassured you even more that you were making the right decision by letting him embrace you in his bed.

Drawing you into his embrace, Nikolas's touch was gentle and almost reverent, his fingers tracing delicate patterns along your cheek, going down your neck and chest. Every caress, every brush of his lips against your skin, ignited a warmth within you that surpassed the absence of mortal warmth. You knew that if you were humans, your skin would feel as hot as an open fire. His love and his actions were something that transcended physicality. This was a bond worthy of being considered a soulmate, a bond that didn’t stay in the instinct part of things, that didn’t support itself in empty words and promises. No, this was a type of love that was delving into the realms of the soul.

Leaning in, his lips met yours in a tender kiss, filled with a sweet longing and a desire to convey all the emotions that words couldn't express. It was a moment of vulnerability and trust, where the barriers between you crumbled, and you were left basking in the pure connection that blossomed between your hearts. As your bodies moved in sync, exploring the contours of each other with a tenderness that defied the coolness of your vampire nature, a symphony of whispered endearments and soft sighs filled the air. Every touch, every caress, was an affirmation of the love that was blooming between you, like a delicate flower unfurling its petals. 

Wrapped in each other's arms, time seemed to stand still, it was as if someone had frozen you in a picture, away from the rest of the world, allowing you to savour the sweetness of this deep and caring love. There were no worries or doubts, only the purity of the present moment, where you both discovered the beauty of intimacy and affection that surpassed mortal understanding. You couldn’t think of anything else, only his touches on your skin, his words being whispered in your ears, and his body so close to yours. 

You could feel his arms around your waist, the way his fingers caressed the exposed skin and the way he breathed your scent. You knew this was on purpose, you knew he didn’t need to breathe at all, he only wanted to feel your scent close to him. He wanted to know that you trusted so much that you were willing to bare your neck and your body to him. That was the thing that made it so special. 

With every breath, you could sense the mingling of your scents—his uniquely masculine aroma blending with the delicate hints of your own fragrance. It was a primal and intoxicating combination, a fusion of identities that marked the merging of two souls deeply entwined in love and desire. The subtle nuances of his scent enveloped you, filling your senses and creating an indelible imprint of his presence within you.

He was also smelling you, taking your scent in and staying close to your skin as if he was trying to imprint it in his memory. Carlisle never did that for too long. His moments with you were brief and just to fill his necessity of being close to his mate, unlike the moments spent with Nikolas. Your gorgeous mate made sure to show you how much he wanted to be with you, how much he trusted you and needed you in his life. 

Of course, the fact that you two felt so strongly for each other, and the fact that you were mates didn’t make any sense. After all, how could you have Nikolas as your mate while also having Carlisle as another mate? That didn’t make sense, even the kings were confused by this… but you didn’t care, nobody cared about it. It was almost like a miracle in your awfully lonely lives. So you decided to not pay attention to it. 

Even if you knew that since you had a second mate, this meant that Nikolas probably also had a second mate… so this could be a risk, this could mean that the other vampire would eventually find his second mate and would have to make the choice to stay or leave you. Still, the idea of being loved -even with the uncertainty of the future- was so amazing that you wanted to ignore the real world at least for a little bit. You wanted to ignore the fact that Carlisle was out there, with his wife and children, not caring for one bit that you ran away, you wanted to ignore the possibility of Nikolas’ other mate running around wanting to find him, you wanted to ignore all the duty and responsibilities that the two of you had with your guard and your kings. You just wanted to stay in this blessed moment of warmth and silence while being in the arms of this creature that loved you with all his being. 

The weight of your vampire nature, with its coolness and lack of heartbeat, seemed inconsequential in this moment of shared vulnerability and intimacy. In Nikolas's arms, you found a haven where the frigid reality of your existence melted away, replaced by the warmth of his touch and the intensity of your emotional connection. It was a testament to the power of love, transcending the limitations of your immortal forms and allowing you to experience a depth of intimacy that surpassed anything you had known before. 

In this space, where only you and he were in each other embrace, time seemed to stand still. The concerns and obligations that burdened your minds were eclipsed by the all-consuming passion and affection that flowed between you. Each stolen kiss, every whispered word, was an affirmation of the profound connection you shared—an unspoken promise to explore the depths of love and desire that awaited you. As your bodies melded together, the limits between you blurred until they disappeared completely, and you became lost in the intoxicating dance of passion, letting yourself go and relish in your time together as mates. The flow of your movements mirrored the cadence of your souls, entwined in a rhythm that defied mortal comprehension. It was a symphony of sensations, impossible to be explained by simple words, an intimate conversation between two hearts discovering the boundless depths of what could be considered true love for the first time in their inmortal lives.

I hope he buys you flowers

I hope he holds your hand

Give you all his hours

When he has the chance

Take you to every party

'Cause I remember how much you loved to dance

Do all the things I should have done

When I was your man

Do all the things I should have done

When I was your man

In the forest near the Cullen house, the air was thick with tension as you, now standing as one of the vampires representing the Volturi, came face to face with Carlisle. Years had passed since you last had any contact with him, and many other things, you were able to love someone else, have new friends, you learned and gained years of experience that made you wiser than before. Gone was the little vampire that only believed in instinct and that believed that everything could be perfect with someone by your side. You were stronger, smarter and even if you were in love with your gorgeous Nikolas, you weren’t naive enough to think that nobody would try to break you apart. You trusted your partner, but you weren’t going to let someone try to come between you. Still, seeing him in front of you, looking exactly like the last time you saw each other, made the wounds from the past open a bit. 

As you and Carlisle locked eyes, a mixture of emotions swirled within you. Anger, hurt, and a lingering sense of betrayal coursed through your veins. You were over him, you didn’t want him back and you wouldn’t leave Nikolas for that poor excuse of a vampire that couldn’t follow the most basic of all rules. Still, the memories of how Carlisle had treated you, the way he had disregarded your feelings and mistreated you, still haunted your thoughts from time to time, and seeing him again, only opened a wound. 

For a moment you cursed the time you accepted to follow Orion’s orders and come to Forks. The moment you decided to act like his representative and come to deal with the newborn problem. Still, how could you deny him? Your heart ached with the similarities between your stories and with the fact that your pasts had the same villains in them. 

You could still remember the way that in the grand halls of the Volturi fortress, amidst the opulent architecture, the whispers of immortal beings could be heard. All of the members of the guard that were able to be present talked about the fated reunion between the kings and their mates. You could say that, as the enigmatic and captivating mate of the Volturi kings, Orion's arrival in the castle marked a moment of significance and anticipation. 

You weren’t surprised by the guards' reaction. After all, as soon as you saw Orion, you understood why the kings were so fond of the vampire that ran away from the Cullen clan. Orion, with his ethereal beauty and regal presence, commanded attention and respect from all who laid eyes upon him. It almost felt like beauty was his gift, but no. His gift was a more dangerous one, a power that you couldn’t begin to understand. His arrival in the Volturi stronghold was met with a mixture of curiosity and reverence. After all, his presence in the castle signified a union of power and love, an unbreakable bond that transcended the bounds of immortality. 

When the kings introduced you to Orion, you couldn’t help but smile, it was like a silent reassurance of a forming bond between you happening at the exact moment your eyes met. As Orion's gaze met yours for the first time, a connection sparked between you, forged by shared purpose and unspoken understanding and friendship. At that moment, you saw the weight of responsibility he carried, the sacrifices he had made for the sake of love and loyalty. There was a vulnerability in his eyes, a silent plea for acceptance and support, which you pledged to provide without hesitation. You looked at him and couldn’t help but be sympathetic to his life and history. It was at that moment that you decided to be not only his guard and protector but also be a friend, a confidant when he needed and maybe even some kind of brother. 

Aro introduced you to Orion and you could feel how the weight of his words hung in the air. You knew that you were important in Volterra, but to be considered as strong as necessary to be part of the personal guard of your king’s mate? That was reassuring. Your king has affirmed the significance of your role in the castle and you couldn’t help but answer with your actions, body moving on his own and making you vow your head with pride, your eyes never leaving Orion’s. It was a promise, a silent commitment to protect and help the future governor of your coven. 

As a member of the guard, you stood at the forefront, ready to protect and serve Orion with unwavering loyalty. Your role as his guardian was not merely a duty; it was a testament to the trust and affection that had been bestowed upon you. Your purpose was to ensure his safety and well-being, standing as a shield against any threat that dared to challenge the sanctity of his presence.

Carlisle took a hesitant step forward, pulling you away from your memories. He looked directly at you with a pained expression on his face and his voice filled with regret. "(y/n), I cannot express how deeply sorry I am for the way I made you feel… You must believe me… I realize now the mistakes I made, and I understand the pain I caused you… But you don’t know how long I searched for you… Please, come back… let me make it right. Stay with us, with my family. I want to make amends… I want to prove that I can be the mate you deserve… Esme and I aren’t together anymore, after you left… nothing was the same."

You listened, your guard still up, your heart burdened by the weight of past wounds. Carlisle's words stirred a mix of emotions within you, and for a moment, you contemplated the possibility of forgiveness… You would never go back to him, not in a million years. You had Nikolas and you would never leave the gorgeous mate that the world had gifted you, but still… You considered the idea of having a friendship with him, an understanding of sorts… Of course, these thoughts disappeared the moment you remember the feelings of abandonment and the sensations of being always considered second place in the blonde’s heart… it was then that the raw pain resurfaced, and you found the strength to voice your distress.

"Carlisle, it's too late," you replied, your voice tinged with sorrow and bitterness. "You had countless opportunities to treat me with respect and kindness, to be the partner I deserved… the mate you were supposed to be… But instead, you turned your back on me, treating me as though I was insignificant…”

Regret and anguish etched themselves onto Carlisle's face as he realized the gravity of his actions. He reached out, his hand trembling slightly as if hoping to bridge the emotional chasm that had formed between you. “(y/n)... please… I can be better, come back to me… you know I can be better…” He said, almost in a whisper with a shaky tone of voice. Still, in the silence of the forest, his voice sounded so loud.

You let out a sigh, looking at him with a tired and bitter expression on your face. “I always came last, I was always the one left alone… You only care right now because you don’t have me by your side but… You don’t want me back because of love, but because of a weird sense of duty…"

 "I understand that I failed you, and I can't change the past. But I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make amends, to prove to you that I've learned from my mistakes… Give me a chance…" Carlisle said, eyes shining and you knew… you were absolutely sure that if he could, he would cry. 

A bitter chuckle escaped your lips, laced with a mix of sadness and disbelief. "Carlisle, you don't understand… do you? You had your chance, in fact… you had multiple chances of proving to me that you wanted me in your life, that you wanted to try to have a real relationship with me and not the lie that we were living for so many months… and you threw it away. You decided to spit on the universe's face by treating your mate poorly, and now, I have found someone else… and he… He loves me like there's nothing else in the world, and I know that he would never betray me."

Carlisle's expression turned crestfallen as your words sank in. It was obvious that he didn’t expect you to love someone else, but… what did he think was going to happen? Even when heartbroken, you were gorgeous, an unreal beauty that even vampires could see as unique…  

The weight of your words hung heavy in the air, each syllable a testament to the pain you had endured. Carlisle's gaze met yours, filled with remorse and regret. "I can't change what I've done, but I want to make things right. Please, give me the chance to prove that I have changed, that I am capable of being the partner you deserve."

This insistence, his useless intents to make you go back to him were starting to be annoying for you, something quite obvious thanks to the mixture of irritation and resignation coloured your voice as you responded, "God, understand that it's too late. You had your chance, and you lost it, in fact, you threw it away like it was nothing… I have moved on, and I have found someone who values me and cherishes me without reservation. I deserve that love, and I won't settle for less."

A profound silence descended upon the forest, the weight of unspoken words hanging in the air. You took a step back, your voice softening with a hint of sadness. "I wish you well, Carlisle, but my place is no longer by your side. We weren’t the right ones for each other… I don’t know who is for you but… I was able to find my soulmate and I have chosen my own happiness… Move on, Carlisle, because I will never look back…"

With those words, you turned and began to walk away, each step a testament to your strength and self-preservation. Carlisle stood there, his heart heavy with the knowledge of his mistakes and the pain he had caused. As he watched you disappear into the distance, he couldn't help but feel a deep sense of loss, knowing that he had let go of something precious. He had everything and because of his stupid old ways and his lack of consideration, he lost the most wonderful thing the world had given him in his miserable life.

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[disabledunitypunk]

So, I know this blog has been a lot less active as of late, at least from my part (mod Stars).

I'm gonna be honest; I've been incredibly sick. A combination of some kind of issue with gluten/wheat (may be celiac, or nonceliac gluten intolerance, or wheat allergy) with IBD, MCAS, lactose intolerance and sensory issues, had caught me in such a cycle of degranulation, anaphylaxis, intestinal issues, brain fog, chronic fatigue, and POTS and chronic pain flareups, that I was nonfunctional.

On top of that, anxiety over my partners SSI application (recently medically approved by the administrative law judge, that's a win! still waiting on nonmedical approval but it should hopefully just be a rubber stamp process at this point - knock on wood) has really screwed with my levels of executive dysfunction.

And trauma around medical neglect and abuse, plus being so sick, plus executive dysfunction, had led me to temporarily avoid seeking treatment at all. When I say that the very idea of trying to trick yet another doctor's ego into believing they came up with the idea to test me for the conditions I'm already reasonably certain I have, all while making sure I don't seem too smart, too unintelligent, too articulate, too reliant on google, too self-aware, use too many medical terms, and so on... I've not had the ability to advocate for myself anymore.

Luckily, a friend of mine that's all hellfire agreed to help advocate for me at some of my appointments going forward, so I'm going to be finding a new primary care doc and going forward (possibly seeing my old one a few more times if necessary, just to get re-referrals and maybe get a referral to a non-Medicaid allergist that actually knows what MCAS is) with pursuing diagnoses and treatment again.

Until then, however, I'm pretty much limited to about three foods - plain white or wild rice, "zoup" (a zucchini broth with chunks of carrots, daikon, celery, and wild rice), and raisins. I can drink water and cranberry juice. Between my sensory issues and that tiny list, I've been consistently significantly hungry for a week. I'm struggling to sleep and can't get more than four hours of restless sleep in a night the past few nights. I'm menstruating for the first time in five years for G-d knows why. I feel better and less reactive, especially after an ER visit for some IM decadron, but I am constantly exhausted.

Why do I bring all this up?

This is my daily life. I have near zero quality of life because of the ableism of doctors and failures of the medical system. I'm barely keeping myself alive every day, really only with the help of a lot of caretaking from my partner. I haven't been able to get to my doctor to get approved for that friend willing to advocate for me to be paid for basic caretaking duties by Medicaid. I went out on Saturday for the first time in over a month, and I'll be recovering from that for the next week and a half.

There is not a single minute of my life that isn't profoundly affected by my disabilities. Stress causes a cascading reaction through my MCAS, POTS, ME/CFS. Understimulation causes intense stress and even pain. Listening to music while doing nothing, watching videos, and similar "low energy" activities drain so much energy that they trigger my chronic fatigue, and sometimes cause a lesser reverse cascading reaction.

I can't take an ADHD med to help with the symptoms more disabling than the ones threatening literal anaphylaxis and organ failure because I can't get them compounded without an official MCAS diagnosis, and I'd also need a beta blocker compounded as well (which are are often mast cell triggers) for my POTS because the only ADHD meds that work on me are amphetamines.

I can't take vitamin D or B12 despite being incredibly critically low for the same reasons. I've barely found some OTC benadryl and aleve that I halfway tolerate. I might have a UTI and if I do I'm gonna have to convince doctors 20 years behind the medical literature that IM antibiotics are considered safe and effective and are a safer alternative to oral meds for me, if still risking a minor reaction.

On good days, I can make it between the bed and couch a couple times a day, and between the couch and the toilet. On bad days, I have a chamber pot setup in the bedroom because I can't afford diapers. I'm sure my vitamin D deficiency is not helped by never leaving an apartment that barely gets some sunlight two hours a day because it's in the shadow of the other side of the building.

I used to, on bad days, spend most of the day doing mindless tasks or on slightly less bad days, puzzle games, on my phone. Now, I'm lucky if I can do even that much most days. I AM too sick to play video games. 🥲 I can nap, I can sit with my eyes open, I can listen to music until it's too exhausting anymore.

I'm tired, and every day surviving is just a monumental effort. Again, the ableism of doctors and... actually, they're not failures if they're intentional; the abusive medical system, have not left a single minute of my life untouched.

Multiple times, when talking about online discourse, I've been accused of "wanting to be more disabled than I am", "being physically abled", being "crazy", "delusional", "on something", etc, etc, etc. All for daring to say that ideas like body-mind duality, exclusionism within disabled communities, and similar, are deeply harmful and affect far more than insular online discourse.

Doctors love to shove off chronically ill people into "psych cases". Have anxiety, autism, PTSD, schizophrenia, DID, depression, etc, etc on your chart? Yeah, you're never getting that physical diagnosis. This is what perpetuating and encouraging ideas like "all disabilities are physical OR mental", "people with abc type of disability have privilege over people with xyz type of disability", and so on, DOES.

Sanism is used to perpetuate ableism. Ableism is used to perpetuate sanism. Quite frankly, I'm not sure that neurotypical physically disabled people, non-mad neurodivergent physically disabled people, and physically abled neurodivergent/mad (all as self-identified categories) get just how deeply compounded ableism is when you exist at the intersection of physically disabled and neurodivergent (especially if mentally ill or mad). Or perhaps, the disconnect exists along a line of "profoundly disabled" vs "can access abled hegemony to a significant extent". Perhaps it's both. There is likely elements of how visible a disability is, how much its able to be masked, the type/level/spread of support needs, and so on. There's definitely elements of other marginalization; race, ethnicity, fatness, queerness, and so on.

And then there's the subcategories. Cognitively disabled. Traumatized. Chronically ill. Visually impaired/blind. Deaf/hard of hearing. Intellectual disability. Mobility disabilities. Fluctuating vs static disabilities, support needs, masking, and so on.

Sometimes I wonder, would the people who think I'm just an abled faker who doesn't belong for not being able to seperate my neurodivergence from my physical disabilities, my neurological organs from my body, my inabilities from my inabilities, would they find I'm the same as them when they spend a day in my life? Would they find it worse? Would they find it unbearable in a completely different way from their own struggles? Would they maybe even find that while it's not quite as hard as their own struggles in some cases, that it's still wildly hard and the two are far closer to each other on the scale than they think? Would they understand that we are both in the midst of an active, eugenicist genocide, and that we're 50-49 bullet holes staring down the barrel of a loaded gun that is held by our oppressors?

Even now, I'm thinking about how this post might be inaccessible. Is it readable for screen readers? Will the length be too much for way too many people? Is it understandable for people with intelligence and cognitive disabilities? How do I fix those things if it's not. What am I missing? What am I missing? What am I missing?

I'm exhausted, I'm scared, and I'm barely holding on. I'm safe, mental health wise, to be clear, I'm just convinced that the only reason that I'm not in significant danger from my physical chronic illnesses right now is because I've always had a body that was stubborn as all hell and twice as resilient. I'm not dying, not because the illnesses aren't trying, but because my body will endure far beyond normal limits.

I've experienced slow acting anaphylactic reactions without anaphylactic shock about once a month for 1-2 years now, usually only going in after several days and nights of severe symptoms. Like I've mentioned, several of my vitamin levels are so low as to make organ failure a constant threat. None of my illnesses are "terminal" per se, but that doesn't mean they can't be deadly. And more to the point, it doesn't mean they can't destroy me, that they haven't utterly destroyed my quality of life, without killing me.

I mean, I started this blog as an attempt at fostering solidarity. We CANNOT be quibbling over who really "belongs" in various disability spaces, who gets to reclaim what words or whatever, when so many of us are dealing with this shit.

For the area with the lowest cost of living in the country, SSI should be 5 times what it is now. For the highest, up to 20 times. People on disability benefits lose some or all of their payments, insurance, and so on, if they get married, even to another person on benefits. I've never met a disabled person without more doctor horror stories than diagnoses, and we all know diagnoses like to come in clusters. We are being abused, neglected, and killed.

I cannot stress how much, not that this intracommunity discourse "doesn't matter", but that it does at a deeply harmful level. It's just perpetuation of the abuse we face at a lateral level. We're mimicking the government and doctors and general abled society and getting into petty but deeply dangerous inane arguments that are just us carrying out the only way we've been taught to treat disabled people.

Being a disabled activist and advocate means questioning everything you know about ableism. It means prioritizing first and foremost disabled people. And honestly, speaking as someone whose platform here is dedicated to that, that's really fucking hard. It means believing people about their experiences with disability and oppression in a world that teaches us that the vast majority of disabled people are lying privileged fakers.

It means not believing that people know more about what people with a disability they DON'T have face because of their own disabilities. A little confusing, but essentially someone with disability A without disability B who faces oppression X, can't say that someone with disability B DOESN'T face oppression X, just because they face it. It means not calling the very real harm someone has experienced "misdirected", or making their suffering about you or your subcommunity, just because you've experienced the same or similar harm.

It means unlearning reactivity as a group of extremely traumatized people. It means learning to meet people where they're at, and assume "can't" rather than "won't". It means accepting that sometimes not only will someone's disabilities cause conflicting access needs with your own, but that sometimes people's disabilities can actively cause them to do harm, and that they still deserve rights, community, and support if they do. It also means recognizing that the harm that a disability may cause someone to do is going to look VASTLY different than abled expectations of "harmful" disabilities. It means, even and especially when this happens, recentering the perspective not around how the disability affects other people, but around how it affects the person with the disability.

It's all of this and so much more. It's a lot of effort from people with not a lot to give. It's fighting an upstairs battle with no ramp, so to speak.

And I guess I just... I'm at a loss on how to keep that up. Is just focusing on getting myself well enough to participate again, putting my own mask on first, enough? When there is not a single moment of my life untouched by the extremely deep and extremely systemic harm of ableism, is it enough to try and access the care continually gatekept from me at an individual level? Can I even do so, against such intensive pressure?

How do I live this life, and also go on untangles the narratives of "disabling neurodivergence isn't really a real disability and neurodivergent people face almost no real ableism" and "physical conditions are obvious and so get all the care and face no real ableism". How do I fight the concurrent violences of hypervisibility and erasure within the community that only serve to strengthen abled people bludgeoning us with them?

How do I focus on things like organizing, community building, activism, advocacy, dismantling the system, dismantling our reliance on it, and so much more, when I can't even get out of bed?

All I can do is write about it, right now. Sometimes I feel like that's all I've ever been able to do. Everyone I've ever known has acted like some day my "pen" will be a tool of liberation, but I'm at a loss for how. I'm just some horribly sick mad cripple on a dying microblogging platform on the internet. I don't know - not if I'm enough, but if anything ever can be.

And I don't mean to sound hopeless. I know that change can happen. I know that it is, in tiny and sometimes larger ways, every day.

This is kind of a self-centered post, in the most neutral way. This is just my perspective. This is about me, and how I'm so very disabled, and how people assume I'm not (and how wild that is, considering), and how ableism affects me so deeply, and how I don't know how to face it or fight it...

I can only hope that maybe my word resonating with people means something. That maybe, as much as we never want each other to experience what we have to, that it's also a comfort to know we don't experience it alone. That maybe this will serve as a reminder that it's okay to be scared, to feel lost, even hopeless, to struggle; to not know how to fight or where to turn. That maybe this will reach someone who CAN do something, and maybe it'll reach the people who need to NOT do anything other than take care of themselves, and that maybe it will help both of them.

Maybe that's too grandiose, I don't know. I hardly know what my point is here, other than: this is me, crippled and crazy as all hell. This is the violence I face. This is why I started this blog, because we need to stop hearing "you're a lying abled privileged faker trying to take advantage of and take resources from real disabled people who really need it" from abled people, and saying it word for word to each other. Because what abled people mean by "real disabled people" is just a theoretical disabled person. A perfect victim. They don't mean any real disabled person, especially not those who can advocate for themselves. They mean they think every single one of us doesn't need or deserve accommodations, treatment, respect, humanity, or even life.

That's the point, really. We're all we've got. We've gotta fight for each other, not fight each other. And G-d, I know how hypocritical that sounds coming from my ragey, rabid ass. I just... that's all I know to focus on right now. Not necessarily all coming together and holding hands and singing a song about unity, but just... not being ableist to each other. Tolerating each other even if we can't stand each other. Presenting a united, unbroken front to ableist society, and pushing until they don't have any power over us anymore. Doing the work of activism, which is often neither easy nor feel-good.

That's what I'm trying to do here, at least. I try to get a little better at it every day. I try to listen a little more. I try to keep up hope when my body and mind are crashing down around me.

I don't have a mic-drop conclusion to add to this, so just: I'm opening the floor. Anyone who has anything to add, feel free to do so. What you have to say is valuable.

#ableism #sanism #unitypunk #cripplepunk #madpunk #neuropunk

[the-final-sif]

Thank you for answering, do you think this will be a similar thing to covid? Now I don't have facts or sources other than one disabled advocate on social media but I heard something about one of covids less popularized effects being something about brain degeneration? Or something loosely connected to that. And because of how poorly covid was handled in the US it ended up affecting a lot of people including the children. Or maybe it was something about how the pandemic never truly ended over there and people stopped wearing their masks too soon. I can't remember, but if you know more of it or have any idea what I'm talking about, how comparable do you consider the two situations? Thanks in advance

So I haven't really seen anything about brain degradation, but there is current research into acute covid-19 infections disrupting the blood brain barrier.

It does appear to happen in severe cases, but it's specifically severe cases as far as all of the research I've seen. It's also not really unique to covid-19. To my knowledge, there's a lot of viruses that can trigger a similar response, like Influenza or West Nile. This is generally what causes the most severe forms of these diseases, the BBB gets disturbed, and this triggers inflammation in the brain which fucks with a lot of shit.

This topic is really complicated, and again, research is still ongoing. Part of the current issue with active neurological studies for COVID-19 is kinda similar to CTE research, you can only really tell how bad the neurological damage was after someone's died and you can yoink their brain out to have an in depth look. This means a almost all of the more indepth studies on COVID-19 in brain tissue are from people who are dead. Usually from COVID. So there's a strong bias towards the most severe cases.

That being said, I actually don't think this is particularly comparable to the severity of lead poisoning on people through the 1950s-1980s. Part of which is that children, while they did catch COVID-19, didn't usually get severely sick. They also didn't tend to catch COVID-19 as often in the first place. That's not to say neither happened ever, just that it's comparatively quite rare.

Meanwhile, effectively 100% of children had lead blood poisoning at a level of clinical significance for most of the 1950s-1980s.

Literally, I am not even kidding, this research is from 2015 but it's still extremely informative,

Like, their graphing of blood levels displays this really well,

I apologize, you may have to click on it to see, but this is graphing out our entire population in the US and led blood levels in early childhood (note, while people who are old enough to not have been born or been children in the 1950s would not have had CHILDHOOD lead poisoning, they still would've been at high risk for exposure to adult lead poisoning which can still fuck you up). S

For quick reference on blood lead poisoning btw, the CDC level used to be 10 μg/dL (light blue and above), but as since been lowed to 5 and then 3.5 μg/dL as a reference level. This is part of no amount of lead being safe, but above 10 μg/dL is bad. Above 20 μg/dL for children is "hey so we need to do a full medical exam of this child, do an environmental hazard investigation of your home and get a hazard team response specifically to help you get lead of your house". Meanwhile above 45 is "we may need to hospitalize this child".

That's the scale I'm talking about when I say everyone in the 1950s-1980s had childhood lead poisoning. It was everyone. COVID-19, while bad, isn't everyone. It isn't even close. BBB disruption, according to the research I could find, only occurs in some acute illness of infections that happen. This is still bad, but nowhere near the scale of lead poisoning.

#sif speaks #sif answers #covid-19

[the-dawn-star]

Place to Stay 22 Klaus M. x Gilbert!Reader x Elijah M.

A/N: Hello everyone and I'm sorry for the long wait. Life is getting hard but I hope you haven't lost your intrest just yet.

-S

+2500ish words, and proofread by lovely Ana_Mia_Lisa on ao3.

All interactions are highly appreciated!!

Waking up had never felt harder than it did now, right now, at this very moment. I did not attempt to push away the covers, probably because my whole body ached. The lack of an active heating system didn't help much. 

Whose turn was it to pay the electrical company this month? 

Now that I think about it, it was such a mundane thing to worry about…electrical bills…what a joke. 

I’d have to check the calendar to be sure, but I was pretty certain that my sister must've missed her turn. And not for the first time.

Not that she seemed to care that our house lacked a heating system. 

The list of things Elena cared about were surprisingly limited these days. 

Apparently, I didn't make it in her new list. 

I pulled my feet closer to my body, sustaining as much of the heat as I could. 

Back when we were still a team, we devised a plan, my sister and I, to have each other's backs, to support each other no matter what life threw at us. We would both get jobs if we needed to, maybe sell a few things. We promised to keep ourselves a float no matter what, we made it our top priority. 

Obviously, both our priorities had changed since then. Hers had become murder and betrayal. And mine…, I wasn't sure what my priorities were anymore. 

I let out a groan, finally finding the strength to move, reaching for my phone, and not because I was expecting a call. 

Old habits die hard I suppose. Sometimes too hard…

Instead of my phone, my hand made contact with a vase, causing it to fall to the ground, shattering into a million pieces. That made me jump out of bed at last. 

Maybe, even if I wasn’t going to go to school, I could be productive, maybe... 

Maybe I could do something actually useful instead of lying-in bed with no sense of the responsibility that I had. Responsibility that I have for mom and dad, for Jenna…

I tiptoed towards the door, opening it slightly, not sure if the crash had been loud enough to wake up the whole house or not.

And then I remembered the painful–but also comforting– truth, no one was home. 

I was alone. And that was a good thing, I needed time to think, to put the events that happened into perspective. 

I got into some comfortable–and warm– clothes, fetched the mop and two plastic bags from the kitchen, and I started to clean. 

The sky was gray, my sweater was gray, my mood was gray. 

Could it get any worse than this? 

My answer might've been no if you'd asked me that question roughly forty-eight hours ago, but that was before my sister thought me expandable. 

During the day, I tidied the house, cleaned the kitchen, dusted the photo frames and did two sets of laundry,–most of it being my clothes, which wasn't surprising, Elena seemed to practically be living in the Salvatore’s residence.–

School was a solid no today, for obvious reasons. Besides, I was so behind on homework. And I’d already called in sick for work. 

It was nice to just clean around the house and just be. 

Around midday, after cleaning the downstairs bathroom, I felt a bad headache coming along, the pain running wild behind closed eyes. 

Unfortunately, we had no pain killers on hand, most of them had expired and I'd thrown them out earlier that day.

I made my way to the kitchen, maybe if I ate something I'd feel better. I sat behind the counter with my slightly wizened apple in front of me. I didn't feel like eating it– or anything really–.

I just wanted to close my eyes and forget yesterday, and the day before that. Just to concentrate on the good things and maybe, possibly forget the gray world around me. 

My throat burned–the culprate probably being dehydration–,  just like the back of my eyes. It took over my mind and numbed my senses. Enabling me to feel anything but a dull aching  pain. I guess in that sense the pain from the headache was preferable to the pain of my shame–and possibly regret–.  

My phone vibrated. Again. It had been doing so since morning and the day before, also a few times during the night. But I hadn’t bothered to look  at any of the texts.  

I sighed, getting up and putting the apple back in the fridge, and decided that the living room needed a change of decor–and perhaps the windows needed to be cleaned–. 

As I moved the single red armchair to the other corner, I saw something I wish I hadn't seen. Jenna's key chain. It must've fallen off sometime. I could distinctly remember her looking for it everywhere. 

The key chain felt heavy in my hands, and I had no idea what to do with it. Jenna certainly didn't need it anymore. 

I decided to put it back in its place near the door, if not for any reason than for the vain sense of nostalgia. This house didn't feel like my house anymore. It wasn't home. It was just a place we slept in,–mostly me, by the looks of things–. 

And who was it that once said something about homes being where hearts were? 

--- 

As the hours creeped by and the light of day gave way to darkness, my tasks came to an end as well. I would've loved to sit on the porch and enjoy the night's cool air–if I wasn't scared to leave my own house, that is–.  All my homework was done, as well as the dishes, the vacuuming, dusting, scrubbing the sink, and of course the laundry that was still drying. 

My self obligatory tasks were good distractions, they left me very tired– just like I wanted–, but also, there was this painful truth, that if I wouldn’t have done the chores, no one else would. 

Because the only person actually living here was me now. Upstairs my phone had rang at least thrice and not once did I go up the stairs to retrieve it.   

It was only seven o’clock but I was exhausted.Exhausting was good though, because then I wouldn't feel so miserable when thinking about what had happened. Exhausting was…perfect.  

The doorbell rang, plucking me out of my thoughts. I froze. 

Someone was behind that door. 

I should open the door. But what if Damon was behind it? or Stefan or…Elena? 

Nevertheless, it's better if I open the door than them–whoever they were– kicking it open. 

I threw myself off the couch and ran towards the door, standing in front of it.

And then I stopped. I really didn't want to open it.   

“I know you're in there, Y/N.” 

I sighed, angering an Original wasn't a part of my plans for the day. 

“Open this door, Y/N. I shall not ask again.” 

Rebekah sounded destructive and not very interested in preserving my house.  

“Why are you here?” I said, certain that the vampire could hear me through the door.   

My first words for the day… How lovely. 

“I shall be keeping you company today.”

The day was almost over. But I didn't tell her that. 

“Perhaps tomorrow?”

“Are you rejecting my company?” 

“What? No! I…”

“Then I shall be keeping you company then, believe me, I'm one of the more preferable options, and least I'm a company that is not involved with you intimately.”

That shut me up. 

Rebekah tapped her perfect heels impatiently on the porch. She had a high sense of fashion. Of course she did. Being a thousand years old did that to a girl. And that was just what Rebekah was. 

A girl. 

“You are not invited into my house.”  

“I suppose not.”

Was she giving me an out? Did that mean I could actually refuse to invite her in? Perhaps. But was it wise to do so? Was it safe to do so? Perhaps not. 

I took one deep breath before breaking my bubble of ignorance that I’d built around me throughout the day.

I averted my eyes from hers before taking a few steps back and giving her the space to walk in. “Come on in then.” I murmured, my eyes glued to my feet.  

Angering a vampire wasn't wise, angering an Original was pure stupidity. 

She stepped in, walking past me and into the living room, before settling herself on the couch. “Come on, sit down. Unless you are planning on standing there the rest of the night.” 

What was that saying about unwanted guests again? 

Nevertheless, the female Original wasn't your average guest now, was she? No, no, Rebekah Mikaelson wasn't like any other person in this messed up town. She was confident, proud and of course, purly, entirely and unmistakably herself. 

My school mates tried to imitate her. They failed, of course. She was the kind of person who owned whatever space she walked in–my house stood as the perfect example–. 

Was it just natural to her or was it required with thousands of years of practice? I didn't know, I'm not entirely sure she did either.

I let myself fall on one of the armchairs. 

“So, my brother told me about what happened to you.”  

Had Klaus told her or had Elijah? I wondered. 

Rebekah bit her lip, crossing one of her delicate ankles over the other. If she had wanted to say something more, she didn't. It wasn't her place to do so. However, Rebekah Mikaelason wasn't one for holding her tongue. But I didn't think our friendship–or lack thereof–was enough for her to feel particularly sorry or concerned for me.   

“ Is this why you are here? Did he put you up to this?” 

“Niklaus is concerned for you, but no, none of them put me up to this.”  

I raised an eyebrow, like I could snatch the truth from between her carefully chosen words.  

Rebekah stayed quiet for a minute too long. 

“I know what it feels like to get stabbed in the back. Your sister did just that to me.” 

I opened my mouth to object, she didn't let me.

“And she was not the first, Klaus has done the same over the centuries, more than I care to count.”  

She sat tall while speaking about her trauma, like she was talking about something as mundane as the weather. It put me on edge. How broken could one be to even be slightly fazed in the face of such cruelty? 

But she wasn't completely unfazed now, was she? Oh no, if you took the time to look closely, you could see her fingers playing with the hem of her blouse. It was a slight sign, barely visible and all too easy to miss. Not for me. Certainly not for me. It dawned on me that maybe she needed to be comforted, not give comfort. 

Were vampires in the habit of going to therapy? 

Unlikely, it would be too complicated. 

But Rebekah Mikaelson should definitely consider it nonetheless.

Has she ever talked about the stuff that she had gone through to anyone? or did she bottle up all the anger, hurt and hatred? Hoping that it would explode when she was in the company of someone unpleasant? Someone who deserved it…?

“Should I go to therapy?”

Her sudden chuckle surprised me. She shrugged. “Honestly, I wouldn't recommend it. Not for you at least.”

“Why?”

“Therapists are disposable after we're done with them.”

“What does that even…oh”

“How do you deal with it, then? You know your own family is hurting you.” I couldn't help but ask. 

“It is no easy feat, but eventually, you try to forget and look past it. Every time that Klaus has killed me– regardless of him being in the wrong or not– he and I both knew that it wouldn’t be forever. In your case however, your livelihood wasn't the first– or second– priority.”  

An invisible hand clenched itself around my heart. I knew Rebekah was speaking the truth. The fact that it was painful or I wanted to avoid it, didn't make it less so. She was good at that, telling the harsh and brutal truth when people couldn’t fathom facing it themselves.  

“What would you do if your family had done the same to you?” My words were barely above a whisper and I couldn’t meet her gaze. In fear that I might see things that I wouldn’t like.  

Coward. 

She sighed, “My family is complicated and less than functional Y/N, but through it all we still love each other for always and forever. And we would never throw each other to an almost certain death–if that would even be possible–.”  

The vampire kept silent before getting up and walking towards the kitchen. I couldn't see her but I heard cabinets opening and closing. 

“Your alcohol reserves are surprisingly low.”  

Yes, Alaric Saltzman didn't leave much. 

I finally turned around to see Rebekah with a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon and two wine glasses.  

“So, this is your plan, then? Drinking…wine?”   

“Certainly not.” Rebekah sounded like she took offense. “We have much better vintages at our reserve.”   

I had never enjoyed wine much. In fact, I hated the taste, but still I took a sip, letting the taste of berries settle on my tongue. Rebekah on the other hand, rolled her eyes after her first sip. 

“If my family had done something like this to me, they…wouldn’t be my family anymore. Families protect and take care of each other when you cannot do it yourself.” 

I took another sip of the wine mostly because I couldn’t find any words to form a coherent response.  

“I’m not saying you should disown your family; I’m just saying that ‘forgiving and forgetting’ wouldn't do you much good either.” Rebekah took another sip, and licked her lips clean, her eyes staring into the abyss.   

“I don’t think I can forget.” That ship had long since sailed. 

“From what I know of you Y/N, you are meant to do more than just following orders.”  

I've never thought of myself as a follow the leader type, but during the past year or two, that was exactly what I've become. 

Drinking with Rebekah wasn’t something that had been on my to-do list, nor was our heart to heart. Alas, anything other than crying in bed was better, anything other than dwelling in pain.

“I’m not so sure about that.” Not anymore, at least. I said words barely above a whisper.

“I’ve lived for a thousand years Y/N, you're simply not like the coward. Except maybe in choosing your lovers–you’re really dumb in that regard.–”

Wine entered my windpipe and a violent cough ripped out of me. I placed the glass on the coffee table. “What are you talking about?” I asked, covering the lower half of my face. 

Rebekah was surely amused. 

“Oh come now, there is no reason to be so shy about your and my brothers’...relationship. Believe me, I've seen them make worse choices.” 

Rebekah poured the rest of the wine into her glass, and then she froze.

“Your sister is coming.” 

I didn’t have the time to say anything, only turning my head in the direction of the front door in panic. I couldn’t see her, not now. 

“I really enjoyed talking to you,” The whisper next to my ear made the hairs at the back of my neck rise. 

The lock turned, and I was alone.

---

( @dark-night-sky-99 @venomsvll @teenwolfbitches28  @haloangel391  @queenthorin1 @ollieandbonnie @hcqwxrtss123 @redwolfs-things @theweirdoleigh @mostly-meg @fandom-princess-forevermore @musically-ambiguous @isawritesstories @felinegrate @i-like-horror-andshitt @original-siphon @meyocoko @eddiebea @multistanhell @haroldpotterson @anastacia1705 @fictional-characters-i-love-them @beingsthings @kiaraandrea @hazgold @hallecarey1 @ethereal-imagies @pinknerpersona @ lil-writer-523 @malfoylaufeysonweasleybarnes) @queen-of-arda )

#the originals #the vampire diaries x #the vampire diaries #the vampire diaries hc #the mikaelsons x reader #the mikaelsons #klaus mikaelson hc #klaus mikealson x reader #klaus mikaelson #klaus x y/n #klaus x reader #elijah mikealson x reader #elijah x reader #elijah mikaelson #elijah x y/n #the originals x you #the originals x y/n #the originals x reader #rebekah mikaelson

[esssteee]

Thanks for the tag @yletylyf <333

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 13

2. What's your total A03 words count? 351,919

3. What fandoms do you write for? grishaverse and castlevania. i'm still a baby writer, having started actively contributing to fandom works not quite 2 years ago.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

we are the wild youth chasing visions of the future (gv, aleksander/alina), young liars (gv, aleksander/nikolai), with the sun against our back (gv, aleksander/nikolai), winding and unwinding (gv, aleksander/nikolai), i will eat you alive (gv, aleksander/nikolai)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

yep, almost all! if i receive several in a row, chapter after chapter and by the same person, than i will more likely just respond to the last one, but i do like giving an answer to any feedback and show of love i get!

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

um, good question. i don't think I've written a true angsty ending. i have several open/ambiguous endings, but the ending for me and the devil (gv, aleksander/alina) is the most ambiguous of the bunch just because it can be interpreted as alina just going stir-crazy from being alone and forgotten for so long and imagining aleksander by her side and staying with her, so it can be angsty if you take it that way.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

with the sun against our back (gv, aleksander/nikolai) cause they end up pseudo married and ruling together (yay!)

8. Do you get hate on fics?

nope! too small a fandom writer for that and i'm ever thankful for it!

9. Do you write smut? If so what kind?

me? smut??? XD just look at the rating for each fic and the associated tags, i guess i do love developping characters through the very intimate act of them falling in bed together. no real kinky sex or anything, but there's often lots of hidden (and not so hidden) feelings behind the act. most smut i've written can be considered rough and/or passionate, since there's a kind of desperation born out of the characters thinking they only have that one single time to be with the other so they're giving their all. i do love exploring the vulnerabilities that come from that for sure!

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

no i haven't. it's never really been my fav thing, but if done well, it'd read one.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

i don't think so, not to my knowledge.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

i had someone asking to translate one, yes.

13. Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

no!

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

that i've written? aleksander/nikolai in gv for sure, aleksander/alina a close second. but as a reader, i just love love love the perfect OT3 that is alucard/trevor/sypha from castlevania (if you haven't read baba by crownofpins, GO READ IT NOW)

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

none, i'm just terribly slow right now. life is throwing a ton of shit at me (dog being very sick, work is horrible, energy at the lowest point), but i keep daydreaming about each fic and slowly coming up with future parts in my head if not on paper.

16. What are your writing strengths?

ah man i don't know, getting into the character's head for which i'm writing the pov from, making their thoughts and feelings just as important as anything going on. i guess because of that i strongly favour inner conflict storylines.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

too wordy. also pantsing my way thru a fic instead of really sitting down and coming up with a plan ― we are the wild youth chasing visions of our future really forced me to come up with a strong plan, which i never would have been able to do without @theonewiththeory's immense help, girl i never would have been able to achieve what i did without you!! it is my first fic in english, the first one i wrote as an adult, and it shows, but i'm still proud of it! but i definitively continue to struggle with planning and too often i fall into the bad habit of vibing along with it. also, big external-conflict plotting is a hard thing for me, tho i wish i could become better at it since it's always so fun as a reader and i'm always impressed by writers who pull an intricate plot so flawlessly!

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

i'm not a fan of it. so often the other language is plain up butchered, and there are ways to do it without having to juggle the hassle of writing a dialogue in another language and needing to translate it so the reader knows what's going on. but as all things, they are exceptions to the rule and anything can be done well!

19. First fandom you wrote for?

oh man the lord of the rings (with a very mary sue oc even! but i remember having such self-indulging fun with that oc and all the research needed to flesh the story out) and the legend of zelda/ocarina of time (at least i went with link for my mc in this one!)

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

when i was 12, i started a complete rewrite of ocarina of time which i of course never posted online. it was in french and i was only doing it for fun. but i still have one version of it and oh boy is it cringe-worthy XD big fail, i read that question as the first fic written ― my brain is really elsewhere these days. my fav fic is definitively with the sun against our back (gv, aleksander/nikolai) which became a comfort reread when i need to feel better by reading about familiar and intimate characters. the whole series (of monsters and men) is something i'm really proud of, even with its faults and misgivings, but that third and final part has left me with the biggest impact personally.

Tagging: i'll tag a few people (no pressure, it's only if you want of course!), but anyone else who see this and wanna do it too, have fun with it (and tag me! i wanna read about people <3)

@theonewiththeory, @ladyverdance/@greensaplinggrace, @inahandful-of-dust, @aloveforjaneausten, @fantomette22, @goatsandgangsters, @zizygy, @itsnotunfinisheditsmystyle

#tag game #my fic

[mamabearwonders]

I quit my job.

It could be the smartest or dumbest decision I have ever made. But I have faith my loved ones are watching over me. 🪽

My job made me violently sick with stomach flu and covid 19 in one month and had zero sympathy. I was already burned out, we are understaffed and I don't want to risk getting sick again. I'm also actively grieving and my chronic health issues are causing problems and my mental health is already fragile without going into work. I can't do 3 weekdays, 5 hours a week at that job that's how bad it is.

I don't want to risk going back in and then not be able to find another job. So I'm filing for food stamps again, unemployment was a nightmare and I'm hoping to land a part-time nanny job by the 1st of March. That should carry me through the rest of the months.

My tax refund I'm not sure if I'll get it this month or next month, it would help this month if I can find my Pokemon wallet which should be in my room I was feeling helpless finding my key and I did find it yesterday and treated myself to chipotle.

I will still need a good little bit of rent money even with it and that's if I can find it. My parents and I we really don't get along so they don't help. They might drop off groceries tonight. But it's so awkward talking to them.

I just have to have faith because pretty much if I go into my job I will quit like walk out of the line I have almost done that before and then be too exhausted to find other options or I can not go into work and save the little energy I have finding another job.

I know that I'm still employed because I'm still in the group chat. But nobody has reached out to be as well like nobody cares how I'm feeling and I get that they're a job, but nobody has reached out that I haven't been in there for like probably 2 months.

And it shows that they don't care about their employees that more and more people are not showing up or I've seen new hires get hired, but then I never see them again. And they probably figure it out really fast that the company is shit none of the managers will help you out. None of the managers care if you get sick or overworked or burned out or have your lunch break or not.

I just need a little bit more time.

[iverna]

People on here need to stfu with the judgment tbh. Everyone was up in arms about the migrant crisis last summer... for about a week after that boat went down. People responded on a post I made about how they were sick with worry because they just cared so much. Not enough to know where the Mediterranean is or when the event happened or follow the news or know anything at all about it, but they were so upset that really we should've counted them among the victims, or at least given them a medal for being such a great caring selfless heroic person.

Anyway that crisis is ongoing. Has been for years. All over the world, not just in the Mediterranean. None of ye care about it anymore. I haven't seen a single thing about it in months.

Everyone was up in arms and concerned about the Afghan people, especially Afghan women, after the US pulled out of Afghanistan. Same thing: two weeks later, we were over it and nobody ever talked about it again. Have you looked it up lately? It's not going great over there. Contributing to the migrant crisis, in fact.

Same with Ukraine. Everyone seems to have just accepted that there's a war over there now. It's ongoing. People there still need help and support. I don't seem to see a lot about that around here anymore either.

Now people are on about Palestine as if that hasn't also been going on for years. Now we're suddenly judging people for not donating or caring enough? I first donated to the PCRF two years ago. Should I sit here all sanctimonious about everyone who only just realised last month that there's a problem in Gaza, who only cares now that it's unavoidable in the news? Or maybe I should judge you all for only caring about this crisis and not the one in Sudan? Come on.

And btw I'm not saying that you have to know and care about everything all the time. It's not possible. At the very least you need to take breaks. Which is the point here, really. Can we maybe not act like people are bad people for not constantly being informed and emotionally invested in every single conflict or humanitarian crisis? It's a lot. Even humanitarian aid workers usually pick one at a time.

If you're going around judging other people and berating them and calling them racist or whatever for not caring enough or in the right way about whatever the current trendy cause is, that's not activism, that's not altruism, that's getting on your high horse in order to feel better about yourself and tbh it's pathetic. It doesn't help anyone except maybe your own self-esteem, and even that's only for two seconds before your conscience reminds you you're being a selfish hypocrite and you have to find the next thing to be sanctimonious about to try and keep the bad feelings at bay.

#rant #sick of seeing this tbh #i'm not a cynic but like #this shit? i'm cynical about this #you don't care #you just want to feel like a good person #and you can only do that #by making everyone else bad #which says a lot tbh #politics #hypocrisy

[prototypelq]

DMC Questions Anon here!

How do you think the characters in DMC feel about snow? How do they react to it?

Contractually obligated to answer this one today, because it's been a helluva snowstorm outside, and I wasn't expecting it this far down february (nervous chuckle looking at the date of the ask, anyway)

Disclaimer: I think the weather really doesn't bother the sparda idiots that much. If Cerberus, King Cerberus and Berial is anything to go by, then Hell has all kinds of extreme temperatures going on, so the loser hybrids should be resistant to it all. This has pretty much been the main reason why I could not think of anything to write on the topic. However, today's snowstorm has reminded me of an important note:

The Vibes

Weather makes the vibes, so this answer is not literal 'do the twins feel cold', but more of a 'what weather do they vibe with'.

Sooo, we have the Winter and Summer camps to divide characters into.

Dante goes into Summer category - he doesn't mind the snow too much, but if his clothing choices are to go by then he likes warmer temperatures. Vergil is in the middle - cause a certain beloved mutual of mine (p.s. all of my mutuals are my beloveds, I'm just calling out a specific one here) has pointed out Vergil haven't experienced actual sunlight in about twenty years, so I imagine he would love both to warm up in the sun and the wintery vibes. Unlike Dante, who has 5 pieces of clothing in total, and doesn't care too much about his looks, Vergil likes to dress for the occasion and I think he loves his scarfs, he seems very much like a scarf guy, so yeah he'd dress properly in winter at least.

Nero is a Summer boi for sure, he doesn't really get cold in winter, but he always Feels cold the moment temperature drops below 15 C outside. I like to imagine him puffing with wingclaws when they're out in winter xD. He loves shorts, slippers and tank tops for summer walks.

Kyrie is a Winter girl. We have no canonic idea on what the hell the climate of Fortuna is, but based on irl Italy i imagine it gets both warm in summer and cold enough for some snow in winter. Kyrie would try to spend as much time possible when there's snow around (driving Nero a little bit crazy), she loves gluhwein and maybe ice skating. Yeah I can easily picture her dragging Nero (and Nico) to the city ice ring when it's up. She also likes cycling in other seasons.

Not sure, but Nico also goes into the Summer camp too.

Trish is the same as Vergil, she's ambiguous, she mostly just likes the natural weather phenomena of human world without their destructive properties, when compared to Hell.

Lady goes into Winter camp for me. She dresses for the weather, but the winter vibes suit her better I think. Probably would be good at ski running...now that I think about it, she'd be awesome at biathlon... I also think she runs in other seasons, I mean, she has to be constantly training in the background to be able to keep up with demons, right? sports-obsessed Lady headcanons go

Lucia is ambiguous because she likes both seasons, though I imagine winter and proper snow would be uncommon for her. Another gluhwein fan for sure. She probably likes stretching in the summer.

Patty is a definitive Summer lover, but she likes snow-related activities too, and has the common sense to dress properly. Likely a skiing fan, when the cold is mild. I also think she really likes swimming, or some other water-related activity in summer.

Sparda likely liked Summer more, just because he didn't have to worry as much about his family getting sick, but on his own had no preference. Probably liked reading outside in good weather though. Eva is a summer person in my eyes too, though I don't yet have a concrete picture in my head as to why. Maybe because she misses her garden and is locked inside the mansion with two literal hellion children in wintery seasons xD

Thank you for the ask Ember! This has been fun to think about)

#I think Im forgetting someone but im not sure who send help #dmc questions anon #im off to enjoy the fresh snow now #dmc

[arthropooda]

My breathing is getting worse again. This will be the fifth antibiotic resistance I've had. It's by far worse than any bronchitis I've ever heard of. They said I don't have pneumonia anymore but almost all my symptoms are the same severity, and it's in both lungs now.

I can't sleep because I can't stop coughing and internally it sounds like a Geiger counter. I'm just really scared. I'm on 10+ prescriptions. I'm sure all of this is related to having covid in September because I have never before been a fraction of this ill ever in my life. I wear a mask virtually everywhere but finally caught covid doing odd jobs and errands for a wealthy person who did not wear a mask. I've felt weaker ever since that happened but really could not afford to slow down or take a break to get better. I couldn't even rest enough while actually having covid because I was living with a denier and my spouse would not let me come to our house during that time. I did at least get to take paxlovid but was pretty much forced to be active during that time and immediately go back to work after.

Then, a month later, I got extremely ill from a cold my coworker had. I went to urgent care for high fever but because I went during one of the only breaks in the actual fever, I was given nothing for it and it kept coming back until I had pneumonia.

Then, I went to a university hospital where I feel more mistakes were made, like giving me something too weak for too short a time, giving me antibiotics through a bad iv, and not releasing me with any oral antibiotic. They also would not let me have my blood pressure medication so I had extremely high blood pressure the whole time I was there (also a problem I did not have before covid).

Now I have two inhalers and a home nebulizer. Sometimes I feel like I just pass out from not having enough oxygen. It feels like physically moving my lungs to breathe is difficult, even beyond oxygen saturation. I have been to a marginally better hospital, but it takes longer to get to and I know if the ER were busy it would probably be as bad as the university one. I have an appointment with a specialist on boxing day, which was the soonest I could get since this started, even after being admitted (the university hospital made me an appointment for the end of January and I've been back in the ER twice since then). I don't know if I can even wait for five more days. Since the first time I went to the ER I haven't been out of the hospital for as long as a week without then feeling worse and needing to go back even more urgently. Based on all of this, I will probably have to go back by Saturday.

I know there are lots of stories like mine but I just wanted to make a longer post about it in case I feel too badly to do it later.

Cautionary advice:

wear your mask; only take it off if you are specifically willing to get sick from the environment/activity you're engaging in.

If you have persistent high fever, do not lie on your side if you are crying, laughing, or congested; this can easily cause an infection to spread to the lung on the side you're lying on. Also, if you already have an infection of that severity, don't even lean to one side while laughing or crying because that can make it suddenly worse and further spread the infection. I just feel like I need to include this because it can happen so easily.

Everyone probably knows this but if you have a busted vein, do not use an iv on the same vein, even if medical staff say it doesn't matter. It does matter, and getting an infusion that just leaks out of a busted vein instead of actually circulating intravenously will not have the same effect and will cause complications.

If you have antibiotic resistance and you get iv antibiotics and then leave the facility before you're in good health, you need to go home with oral antibiotics. Really this is probably a good idea even without prior antibiotic resistance since an incomplete course just makes resistance more likely.

#Long post #Personal #Cautionary #Covid #Pneumonia #Bronchitis #Antibiotic resistance #Hospital #Just want to share so maybe someone else can avoid a similar situation #I am so tired of this but it's not going anywhere

[sweetdreamspootypie]

🙃

I'm flying out tomorrow

Had a good night tonight

But

Vent / processing / just capturing some of the stuff I've been thinking about

It's so strange how different my worldview is because I'm a Covid nurse

Or maybe everyone else is insane

Who is to say

TW car accident, child injury

Managed to go see the last set of cousins tonight

My aunt was like

" oh yeah last few days I've been really sick

Had a really bad flu

Still coughing actually

But we don't believe in taking to our beds for just a flu lol"

And my cousin mentioned she doesn't know when the last time she took a RAT test was. Didn't even recognize the name. Said "oh yeah that's kind of outdated"

And NOBODY I've talked to has even been aware that there are still Covid booster vaccines happening and relevant?

They only ever had the initial course of 3 or 4 and then stopped? Didn't even know that further boosters are a thing at all?

and cousin told me that you don't take time off work for Covid here because it's not considered life threatening anymore

What the fuck is wrong with england

Why would you invite guests over if you actively have the flu?

Fuck man

Like it was actually a pretty good evening and it will probably be fine

But it's just so weird seeing the increasing divide in basic values

Like yeah I value hard work and discipline and etc etc and I want to get better at it

But how do these people value self care so little?

Idk I'm just hyper aware of it as well bc of my family's thing with chronic fatigue syndrome and how precarious wellbeing is

But also stuff like

Hard work is "being responsible" because idk doing your part at work on the project or whatever

But in my line of work

If I don't rest

If I don't eat or take my breaks or I haven't been sleeping well or burn out

Then I cannot provide the healthcare to others that is needed

I've got such vivid visceral memories of standing there as I'm realizing I need to hit the medical emergency big red button, at times when I'm over tired and not feeling my best self

Feeling my words and thoughts running like treacle and just being so aware of oh shit I'm not actually up for being responsible for this right now actually

And when I'm in that state and the adrenaline hits, it just makes it worse

I can feel my heart pounding in my ears and my dehydration headache and having to muster ok I have to be reassuring and communicative and make sure I'm dexterous enough to manage a complex situation

And if I can't manage it, people get hurt

And there's a very real risk that someone gets closer to death than they needed to, or would have if I had been on the ball and my best self

The other day, on Monday

I had a coffee at 12 noon

It was a really nice rich mocha from a chocolate specialist

I'm not accustomed to caffeine any more these days, so I was awake until 4am Monday night

On Tuesday night, despite being tired, I was also awake til 3am because of the disturbance to my sleep schedule it caused

On Wednesday, I was feeling gross from the sleep disturbance. I went to my room and tried to take an afternoon nap

At 4pm on Wednesday, there was a car accident outside of our house. A car hit a 3 year old child crossing the road with his mother.

My dad came to get me because I'm a nurse and that's my job.

When he came in I was in a groggy half asleep haze

I had my shoes on and was out the door but was still carrying a head of groggy haze

The kid was fine

Someone else was checking him out, asking all the right questions

And within a couple of minutes an ambulance arrived, and got to do a further assessment

It looked like the child had a bit of a bumped knee, probably from where he fell, but was otherwise just fine

Mum with him was being a champion at visibly keeping it together until tonight after the kids are put to bed, when she'll fall apart

I was able to be there to see that it was under control and looked on until the ambulance arrived

But I was so aware that I wouldn't able to clearly speak. Wouldn't be able to project calming competence with even just the simple fact of introducing myself as a health worker available if needed

Everything was fine

But if it hadn't been

I would not have been able to fulfil my role

Because I hadn't taken proper care of myself

I'm going to remember my guilt over one badly planned coffee I had on Monday, for years

Because my job is to be the one who knows how to make it alright when everything is wrong

Why the fuck can't other people do the simple things like isolate if sick

And not expose illness to people going back to the home of their 89 year old grandmother

I don't want to live to work

I want to live well

And wellness and happiness are important values and resources

And not contradictory with working hard to make progress on goals

People need to learn to rest

I didn't realize how bad it was

#My posts #My life #Vent #Plagueblogging #Processing #Using Tumblr as a diary #It would be fine but bc I'm already feeling ick from the sleep loss #I don't know #I have been helpful with Dadi's foot wound though #Which feels good #Just being able to be an educated opinion #Tw car accident #Cw child injury #Kid is fine

[castshed]

I dunno if it's just the mental state talking or if maybe there's some truth behind what i've been thinking about since I got off work this morning....

But it truly feels like my time on this site might be more limited than I'd like it to be. Sure, there are some people that still seem like at least somewhat interested to entertain the thought or action of writing with me, but... the majority seeningly don't. Maybe it's my rules? Am I not lenient enough? Am I too weird 'cause of a simple lousy (kind of) fetish I have for taller women? I honestly don't get it.

I've been on this site consecutively for.... I have no idea how many years now. And sure, I've taken my breaks, some rather abruptly and unannounced, but they count... This feels different.

I usually have cycles where I want to do nothing but watch YouTube videos or tons of movies or start series' i've never gotten a chance to get to, or do nothing but play video games. But in the end I would always come back to writing.

Recently, I haven't wanted to do the latter. It just seems so... grueling, like a 9-5 job you don't wanna do but need to because it appeases some sort of agenda or just 'cause you have to pay bills on time and eat.

And trust me, I'm one of those people that doesn't see this site as a job, nor do I feel like writing is a chore. USUALLY.

But the lack of people's interest in things (idk if it's my muses-- me as a person) or the lack of reciprocation to things that take all but a few seconds to lift someone's spirits... has just really turned me off. (Not to mention broken notifications, the new dashboard - y'know all of Staff's TERRIBLE choices)

People also have jobs, I get it. Or school... kids, a life. This is truly something you do in your down time because you enjoy it and may have found the time to actually sit down and relax for once without the overbearing weight of other responsibilities holding you down - I just.. I honestly don't know anymore.

Now normally I wouldn't try and sound so much like a beggar or some kind of attention-seeking child, but is it so hard to send positivity in return sometimes? - Like I get that I may not be active 90% of the time lately, but at least I make the time and put in the effort to show that I care and still enjoy seeing actual people on my dash. - I always send it in and hardly get it back. And sure, maybe within the answer to my initial interaction there's something said. But that's more of a response than an actual attempted effort. At least, to me it is.

I also understand that I haven't been the best at replying to sent in memes, or asks in general, but that's because my muse has been at an all-time-low for ALL of my muses, save for like... ONE of my OCs (Sophie; though even now, I'll admit, she's kinda gone too.), and I get sick of staring at them, irritated that I can't muster up a SINGLE word to reply to any of them with... so eventually I delete them and hope to TRY from an empty slate.

I guess I just miss having that person or small group of people that I could count on all the time for things, regardless of our moods, what time of day it was, what we were doing -- etc. I've only ever been affiliated once, and... it probably wasn't the best choice. But the intentions at the time were nothing but good, and it wasn't heavily enforced, save for MAYBE a single ship, or two. Not having that security anymore just shakes things up too much and I guess it's one change that I could never get used to.

Regardless, the thoughts of this morning have me leaning toward either some kind of indefinite hiatus, or a massive reboot to start anew and maybe find a new place to settle. Those of you that want me around can keep me on discord and continue to chat with me there. But if not, and IF I do decide to go that route, I bid thee farewell and I hope for nothing but good luck in your future endeavors.

#「 𒆨 ⸺ ; out of character . 〕 #long post #moral of this very long story #i feel left out and excluded #truly like i don't belong here anymore.

[stillheresanctuary]

So. It's Been A While.

That last update was a bit prophetic, wasn't it.

Uhm, I guess I should give a sort of summary of the last... Two? Three years? For people that are still lingering.

I'll put the bulk of it under a read more, but TL;DR- Parks Department job has panned out really well, had to move out a second time due to Stuff, Dad had a second stroke and passed away from complications, my mom's dog passed away from a malignant tumor, and I'm currently doing a lot of juggling to help Mom and myself try to survive.

Could be better. Could be a lot worse.

For folks that want some more details, well-

I'll get the rough stuff out of the way first.

My dad died. It'll be two years this October. He had a second stroke, and went from slow but steady improvement to a rapid decline that ended with Mom and I mutually agreeing that his quality of life had degraded so badly it was basically torture forcing him to stay alive. He wasn't quite a vegetable at the end, but it was close. He couldn't talk. He couldn't articulate his needs. He couldn't take care of himself in any fashion.

I sat and waited in his hospice room, and saw when the final breath left his body. There is no possible means to describe the Certainty, and the Relief. Knowing he was gone, and that he was no longer suffering.

Neither Mom or I have really had the space to fully process it. His ashes have yet to be scattered, and we haven't be able to coordinate a wake for the extended family. I don't know if we'll ever have one at this rate, but we want to give him a send off for everyone to properly say their good byes.

Less than two months after Dad passed, Mom called me crying. Tali, our family dog for the last 16 years, hadn't been feeling very well for a while, and gave Mom a couple bad scares before she finally had to be rushed to an emergency vet. They found out that Tali had been developing a tumor, and while it wasn't metastasized or actively malignant, it had begun to interrupt body functions and after a sudden seizure, had caused internal bleeding so bad they weren't sure she would survive being sedated let alone surgical intervention.

We decided it would do her a disservice to force her through such an invasive procedure, with no guarantee of recovery, let alone good health.

Mom and I both held her as the doctors gave her a fatal dosage of anesthetic, and she passed away peacefully. Her ashes are also still with us, waiting for us to decide how to honor her life.

On to less miserable topics-

Moving house! Happened cause the roommates we moved in with ended up paranoid assholes who tried to get us evicted and/or arrested on falsified charges of theft! We had to call up the sheriff, police and the landlord, as well as a tenant-landlord lawyer, to get the roommates of our backs. We moved out as soon as we were able to keep their assholery from reoccurring and possibly resulting in legal actions.

My partner and I ended up staying with a mutual friend for a couple months while we hunted for a new place, and now we've been staying in a pretty nice duplex that we're currently hoping won't price us out come the next lease reup (there's consulting of tenant-landlord lawyers in the plan for negotiating with the landlord). Other than fretting over funds, we're pretty alright.

Job! Parks and Rec invited me back to a longer season, and I just recently got invited back again, and I may actually apply for a year round full time position. The people are great, I enjoy the work I do, the benefits are excellent, and I even have a supervisor who Gives A Shit for once.

Pretty sure the job kept me from a depression spiral when Dad and Tali passed away back to back.

Rapid fire what else- Got a new to me car, reconnected with a bunch of friends from old fandoms, made new friends in an entirely new fandom, started looking into possibly going back to school, helped my mom with buying a house and a car, got sick with Covid twice, got two cavities drilled and filled, played way too much Cult Of The Lamb...

I think that's it? At least, that's all I can remember anymore.

It's been A Lot.

What does this say for this project?

Well, I still want to put work into it. I want to reinvest myself and my interests into this world that I've created. Considering current Tumblr drama, I may end up seeing how much I can transition over to something less fragile, like Neocities. I haven't made a webpage in so long it's ridiculous, but it could be worth it to mirror all my Tumblr projects onto something that I can actually archive.

It's a bit up in the air, and I apologize in advance if I vanish again, since I'm going to be going back to work at the end of March and I'm not sure how much energy I'll have to juggle. Whatever happens-

Thank you all for participating in this experience with me. You all have made this silly little side project a true joy, and I'm thankful for everyone who has made it possible.

#stuff cell says #mun stuff

[xamptx]

Life update!! + Bluesky

Before you read this whole mini essay, if you're a mutual of mine and don't have a Bluesky code and want to join Bluesky then dm me please! I have a ton of codes collecting dust. c:

I know I haven't posted in a while and I don't know why I feel compelled to post any update at all lol I just feel like it. I've been really busy with work for the last half of the year plus my family got sick (except me somehow) so I had to take care of some extra things. Plus I just wasn't very happy with my style and I honestly didn't know what to do.

I felt compelled to make fanart but also I wanted to share lots of original art but I felt like no one really cared. And frankly I've been thinking of devoting more time to more mature works (will Tumblr snipe this post if I say ns-fw? Idk I'm scarred from Twitter) so I was in a constant battle with that. Not to mention I run a full DND campaign (forever DM woooo)

Oh I also turned 26! 🥳 So there's that too!

So I decided to go on an unannounced hiatus until the New Year (which is literally this Monday so happy new year) and let myself just exist. I never stopped drawing too, I drew I just didn't post it on the Internet. It was nice but I'm missing the interaction with other people over silly art and I've reworked my art style slightly.

I'll probs be devoting more time to my NSFW work then sfw. I've been scared to devote any of my time in NSFW just cause the Internet doesn't have a ton of spaces for NSFW artists but I figured I might as well give it a shot anyway. I won't be posting it to Tumblr thou that's for sure lol maybe some teasers idk. I'll be posting lots on Bluesky too, so if you have a Bluesky find me @ xamptx over there.

But ya that's about it, I hopefully can stay more active once the New Year hits. Everyone have a nice and safe holiday and stay frosty!

#life update #artists on tumblr #xamptx #blue sky #work update #things have been hectic #my hand hurts

[artisticmenace]

HAZBIN FANS AND PROSHIPPERS DNI I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!!

Other DNIs below.

Hello, dear friends and accociates.

hiii. I'm tabs. I'm suuuper gay(asexual panromantic). I'm also an artist. Any scorn or prejudice will be promptly ignored.

Status:

if youve ever seen the mummys voice video.... yeah.....

About me:

I am a huge CH&T and WTNV fan. I also have a bunch of OCs, and I'm writing so many (unfinished)books... Yeah, that's right. I like to suffer and die creatively TWICE!! I can not be helped. I'm just goofy like that sometimes. I hate most non canon ships for fandoms im in, but I'll probably just go "ew" and leave you alone(depends on the ship, really). I haven't been tested for autism or ADHD but enough things line up, so I'm like 80% sure. The 20% is self-doubt. I like to dress fancy, and my general look is deep woods cottagecore that has recently drank from the lake of maximalism. You won't see pictures of me, probably, because my room is NOT clean. Sometimes, I vent on here, but that's because I am the only demographic this blog needs. I love you, too, but your feelings are only being considered a little bit.

Those Days:

I'm gonna be making a comic called Those Days about a small town old gay couple, Scott and Rodney, telling their life's story. They've been friends since their sophomore year in high school, and they've seen a lot. Scott was a punk, to say the least.

For the actual comic, you'll need to thosedayscomic, the blog I made for the comic.

^^ I'm currently working on the first issue. I do have lots of art of them though.

Tags for my comic:

those days, those days comic. also any character names first and last.

Current Fixations:

Camp Here and There (Waiting for S2)

Welcome to Night Vale (all caught up)

Words (words as in i fucking love vocabulary and old phrases and the developement of english over the years is facinating)

Night in the Woods (I've finished the game twice, also this is why I know what's wrong with me now.)

Gravity Falls (quote on the daily)

The Magnus Archives (help)

The Magnus Protocol (CAUGHT UP WHAT THE FUCK)

Additions:

I love interaction! I will always discuss my interests, and l o r e when asked. In other words, PLEASE TALK TO ME !!!

Therefore:

Art Requests/Asks: Open!!

Art Trades: Open!!

DMs: Open(as long as you arent a creep or an asshole obviously)

(cant do commissions because the world hates me but dont be shy to trade me. not particular on what i get back as long as i made someone happy. cause it feels amazing to see something i did made someone happy)

If you're an asshole or I have a good reason to, I will block you.

DNI LIST because I'm a little hater:

Hazbin/helluva fans (character design is ass, problematic, writing is also ass and is just meant to be as cancerous for your morals as possible)

proshippers (what the fuck. what the actual fuck. another morally fucked over group)

racists, sexists, homophobes, transphobes, etc

pro-israel.

18+ blogs (a whole minor)

those problematic "sexualities" (ex. super straight, MAP, zoosexual)

people who fake disabilities/mental illness

people who actively misuse the words "psychotic" and "delusional"

people who continue to mistake being "deppressed, anxious and paranoid" with having "depression, anxiety and paranoia" and things like that, perfectly informed

Here's my sick tags:

artisticmenace - anything that is a post by me

menaceartisticity - art and art related things

themenaceuseswords- text posts. i say shit sometimes.

themenacerants - my new tag for when i lose my shit

menaceencouragement - words of solace and encouragement from me

menacepoetry - poetry/songs yeah. probably sad stuff cause im miserable sometimes

menacescrawling - writing. oh buddy boy.

Thank you, I love you.

going to collect these things because why not

credits, top to bottom:

butterscotch-goat

cowboyinternist (2)

#intro and info #introductory post #artisticmenace #themenaceuseswords #menacepoetry #menacearticity #menaceencouragement #themenacerants