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mythicalninjas · 3 years

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A Hard Choice To Make - Part 1

"Go talk to him. It's the only way to wash your emotions away." April, the reporter of Channel 6, advise you.

"No!" Your eyes went wide "No, I won't!"

"Then do you want to live with it stuck into you for the rest of your life?"

You lower your head, not knowing what kind of response you should give besides this not-desired possibility. April is right.

Since you met the brothers—three years ago—you have created a strong family bond with all of them, specially with the fearless leader in blue who your heart shines for. You knew that something within you is brougth to life every time Leonardo is around, and it is kind of torture because you literally fell in love with this terrapin.

But there's a doubt haunting you: Is Leo with the same feelings about you? The objection behind it is almost invalid in your point of view. He is the leader of his group, known as being the only one who tries to keep his brothers in line, making decisions for each time they are out for patrol, dealing with the most heavy and difficult choices and moments throughout their adventures. And you... You are just a human as you always say.

You sigh, turning your eyes back at April "Ya know, I have no idea if he feels the same about me. I'm afraid of how he'd react from my declaration."

April leaves her desk, and sits next to you on the sofa in the living room of her apartment. "Y/N..." she said softly, landing her slender hand on your shoulder "Soon or late he will know; but if I were you, I would go talk to him. He won't figure it out alone". You nodded, staring at the floor again with your mind lost in an ocean of thoughts and emotions. "Try, Y/N. Do not let it consume you; or it will get worse" the reporter rubs your shoulder and embrace you in a comfort hug.

"Would you like me to talk to him?" She offered herself.

"No! No... I must be prepare myself first."

April let's out a soft giggle "Okay. Take your time, sweetheart. Call me if you need help." She smiled.

You let the comfort of her embrace take you completely as a help to try to kick out your anxiety, but your nervousness insists to stay. How would you say to the most respectable man that you're in love with? How would he reacts? Will he treat you in a bad or good way? You knew he wouldn't treat you like an idiot or something but even that you are not secure.

A few weeks has passed since April's advice.

You and Casey Jones were called by Chief Vicent to attend a meeting at NYPD police station for a debate about Shredder after his sudden disappearance in the day that Technodrome has appeared in the sky. And for your surprise you're not the only one who were invited.

Your mutant turtles best friends are there.

And speaking of them...

"Hey Casey and Y/N!" Mikey was the first one who came up to welcome you both as you enter in the police station. "Finally you're here! Chief Vicent is waiting for you" the young brother pointed at up stairs of the building.

You and Casey went quickly to the second floor.

Arriving there, Mikey pointed at one of the several rooms throughout the large corridor. From outside you could see three shells facing the only door of the small space, and your eyes shone. In the middle of the three massive terrapins, a blue and well-written kanji with a pair of katanas.

"Y/N? Are you coming or...?" Casey called, noticing your behaving.

You froze, desperate about what you would do with that handsome man a few steps away from you—actually standing on the other side of the table.

Gulping, you walked behind Casey as you both enter the room.

"Good evening, Casey Jones." the blond-haired woman nodded from the other side of the rectangular table, facing you both "And Y/N" she nodded again, sharing a polite smile. Other three pairs of eyes landed on you while you stand beside Casey "Hey, guys" Donnie waved with that cute grin he has. "Hey..." Raphael said with a neutral voice; and finally Leonardo who, as Chief Vicent, shares a nod and a smile.

Oh God, that smile makes your bones shiver.

"So what are the news, Chief?" Casey asked, leaning above the table to watch papers and pictures scattered above it.

"We got a prove that Shredder must be still alive" she continued "We have captured Karai who was with him in the day that Kraang has arrived on Earth for the first time, and has confessed that Shredder was teleported into Technodrome. It was the last time she has seen him" she finished, glancing quickly at Shredder's picture on her right side and then looked up at everybody there present.

"Wait, wait..." The hot head turtle interferes "Last time? But how? Karai and Shredder used to work together all the time! Perhaps she is laying-"

"We don't know, Raph." The leader cuts his brother, then Mikey continued "Or maybe Shredder is working for Kraang.", Donnie moved his body a bit to stand face-to-face with his brothers and continued "We do not know if all those suggestions are valid, but I fear what Mikey said. Shredder must be working for Kraang."

Chief Vicent nodded positively, leaning above the table "I wouldn't discard this possibility."

The idea of Shredder working for Kraang freaks you out. Shredder is known for being dangerous, and Kraang is known for being deadly; and the two of them together is a nightmare.

After a few minutes of silence, Casey questioned "So, what are we gonna do now?"

"Wait. For now." Chief Vicent responded, not breaking her eye contact with the Shredder's picture beside her, and the room was filled with Raph's indignation voice "Wait?! How much time of wait?!"

"Raph, more respect!" Leo punch his brother's arm, murmuring and shaking his head in disapprove by his brother's behaving.

You tried to not giggle by their brotherhood behaving.

"We don't know..." Chief Vicent replied "but all we can do now is use what we have available to find Shredder; and Kraang. I'm highly doubt that Shredder isn't on Earth. Maybe he was brought back by Kraang. As you said before, Donatello" she pointed "the atmosphere in Technodrome is toxic for those who have a normal cardiovascular system. Hardly Shredder would survive in that thing out there".

"There's an interesting point" Leo continued "But It's been months since his disappearance and till now no one has seen him. For sure, if someone have, they would warn us."

"Or they would help him" Raph participated one more time "We don't know if someone is his follower."

"You mean a new Shredder?" Mikey asked, surprised.

"I would freak out if it is true." You said.

"Me too." Chief Vicent agreed, sighing.

The worst nightmare of the boys is that another (or other) person ended up like Shredder. For sure someone out there have inspired themselves on that horrible assassin and perhaps will keep on doing his dirty work as a next generation of the Foot Clan. It must be happening in any city, state or country right now.

After two hours of debate, Chief Vicent has decided give a break, and then back to the reunion.

You are checking out your Pinterest in another small room of the building to spend some time. But your is mind busy thinking more about Leo than paying attention to the pics on your social media. You just scroll down, the pics passing through your phone screen quickly; then your mind focused in flashbacks of your conversation with April a few weeks ago.

You want to confess your love for Leonardo. You want to face him and say how much you love him.

But why are you feeling something negative inside you?

You sighed, without knowing what to do. Your eyes lift from the screen and scanned the small room around you. There's a desk with a deactivated computer in the left and a cupboard on the right. Cupboard? Why is it here in a office? Maybe this room is used like a kitchen. And speaking of it... where's the coffee machine and other stuff used by workers?

You shrugged, ignoring it and paying attention to your phone again.

"Y/N?" A familiar deep voice called from the door frame. You jumped and quickly looked up at the person.

Actually, at the turtle.

"Oh, hey Leo" you smiled, pretending you didn't got scared by his sudden apparence. But he was giggling a bit "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you" he came in, picking up a chair and sitting beside you.

Butterflies started to fly wildly in your belly.

"Come on, Y/N! Say something!" you thought. "So... How's things going?". "Really, Y/N?! Is it all you can say?!" You coursed at yourself.

Leo glanced at you and says confused "Um... Things are great. Thanks." he smiled.

Now is the time. You have to tell! You want to tell! But you're fucking afraid.

Your thoughts says to do not do it but your heart says yes. You took a deep breathe, rubbing your hands on your thighs nervously and finally looked up at him.

"Leo..." You called softly.

"Hm?" He looked back at you in the eyes. It seems that your heart will get out of your chest, and you could feel your cheeks burning.

"I...".

He just tilted his head, waiting for your answer.

"I... am gonna take some coffee. W-Would you like some?" That's it. You wanna punch yourself in the face.

He lift an eyebrow—at least you could see.

"Um... Yes, please". He answered, still suspicious about why are you acting that way. You got up from the chair where you were and walked out of the room, but before you could leave, Leo grabs your arm and makes eye contact with you, worried "Are you okay?"

"Why? Yeah! Why wouldn't I am?" You tried to act as normal as possible, but you couldn't hide it from him. This man can notice if something is right or not. And you fear that. You don't wanna mess your moment. You just want to relax with him, and not put more worry into him. Leo and his brothers are already dealing with Shredder's disappearance which is shaking them inside out frenetically. And the last thing you want is bother him with your love.

"I'll be right back." You gently released from his massive hand and left the room, leaving him alone.

"Damn, Y/N! What's wrong with you?" the whisper leaves your mouth and suddenly you bumped with another woman, hitting your shoulder with hers.

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry! Are you okay?"

"Oh, no. It's okay" the red-haired waved, grinning "I must apologize, I was distracted".

"Don't worry, I was distracted too." You giggled, then kept on your way to find a coffee machine which you have no idea where it is.

For sure your thoughts are torturing and preventing you by something you wish to do. You've been hiding your love for Leo for almost three years.

After ask a cob where to find a coffee machine you finally have found it in somewhere on the third floor of the police station.

"Okay, Y/N. You can do this" you whispered while you fill almost to the top two cups with the dark liquid. "You can do this. You can do this..." You continued to repeat, trying to fill you with courage.

"I'm ready. I can do this!"

Picking up the two cups with dark coffee youheaded back to the small room where the handsome man is waiting for you.

Stopping beside the door frame—you can't see what is happening inside the small room—you took a deep breath and get yourself ready for the long-awaited moment of your life.

Smiling, you walked in.

And froze.

Leo was there, as you expected, but he was kissing the woman who you accidentally bumped early on your way to get the coffee.

Your heart broke like someone has ripped it out from you.

It seems that the world has fallen under you; your body falling into an precipice.

You prepared yourself for three years for nothing. All the worries, expectations, and hopes you used to have, all that moments you've spent practicing what you would say to your best friend, all the great moments you and him spent. Three years of your life were wasted.

Leo and the red-haired woman broke the kiss and directed their eyes on you, surprised. You have to admit that you saw a light blush covering on his cheeks.

"Oh, Y/N." He said, smiling "Allow me to introduce you my girlfriend".

You felt a knot forming in your throat.

"Y/N, this is Melissa. Melissa, this is my best friend, Y/N." He used his hand to mention you and his girlfriend while introduce you both.

"Nice to meet you, Y/N." Melissa waved.

"Nice to meet you, Melissa..." You shares a small smile, hiding your frustrating, and waved back.

You take a step forward to place the cup on the small desk next to you. Some drops of the dark liquid slipped out from the object "You should drink before it gets cold, Leonardo." You simply said, trying so hard to not cry. The leader got surprised when you said his full name. It's rare to you do it. Since you both got intimate—as best friends—you started to say his nickname as you do with the others. He doesn't understand very well the reason of your sudden change.

"Um... Yes, I will". He pronounced every single word slowly, tilting his head a bit as he looks at you. Melissa noticed your uncomfortable expression and asked worried "Are you okay, sweetheart?"

"No!" you screamed mentally. "Yes! I am. I gotta go. Sorry." You whispered the last word, turning and heading out of the room, leaving the woman and your best friend together. Your eyes starts to get warm and a wet feeling of tears disturbs you completely; you refuse to cry in front of important and serious people from this place. So you forced your legs to walk fast towards the exit.

You were so distracted that you almost bumped Chief Vicent. You gasped.

"Hey, Y/N. We're going to back to our reunion right now. Have you seen Leo? I can't find him anywhere." the blond-haired woman asked.

"He-*deep breath* He's in that room." You pointed at the door in the end of the corridor. C. Vicent lift an eyebrow, studying your facial expression.

"Are you okay, Y/N?"

"No, I'm not!" You gulped as see Chief Vicent's eyes going wide by your anger, then you immediately completed, "I'm not feeling good..."

But before Chief Vicent had a chance to talk to you, you lower your head and ran away, the knot in your throat and the pain in your heart growing up wildly.

You couldn't stay in that building anymore, not with Leo there. Not with the news of his sudden dating with someone. All you want now is go home, lay down on your bed, bury your face into a pillow, and cry like there's no tomorrow—well, actually there's no tomorrow for you.

How much time Leonardo is dating? And why April didn't tell you about it? Or any of his brothers? Do someone know about his dating? Or does he didn't tell to anyone yet?

You don't wanna know.

Actually you couldn't blame him because he has no idea that you are in love with him.

And now you have to deal with a new reality.

#tmnt #bayverse tmnt #tmnt bayverse #tmnt x reader #tmnt 2016 #tmnt 2014 #tmnt leonardo #tmnt leo x reader #teenage mutant ninja turtles #teenage mutant ninja turtles out of the shadows

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msladyrosa · 3 years

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I'm here to tell a story that my heart is screaming at me to tell.

This is me. I fucking hate myself, just as much as I fake loving me. I don't think I've ever been this contempt as I was in these photos. I'm awkward and I fake confidence by throwing sarcastic and snarky comments. My coping mechanism consists of lying and just hiding behind my fake me. I've created a confident, pretty and delusional front that isn't me, but it's just as real as the raw version. My raw is ugly and disgusting and I hate it. I hid it and for the love of the non existent God there is, I wish I didn't have the raw side. I write in my skin, because if I went back to cutting, then I would no longer have pretty skin that people can love. I love eating, but I don't do it, because of the fear of losing my 36,28,42 measurements. I'm suicidal, but heavens forgive if I make a joke about it in order to cope with my insane itch to make my skin purple. My arm hair is soft and the last time I shaved I was scared that someone might see the thin, white lines that are underneath. My body is sexy as fuck, but Heavens forgive me if I actually feel comfortable in it. Thoughts of "they'll be fine without me" or "it's better if I'm not here" are drowned by the words I told someone who was a suicidal as me, "killing yourself would not make the pain disappear, you're just passing it on to someone else". I'm such a fucking hypocrite, or is it just a twisted way of actual introspection? What is wrong with the way I walk funny because I'm dizzy for the lack of food is that people notice. Oh great deity in the sky, please allow them to notice, but forgive them is they dare to ask what's wrong. I look happy and relaxed in the photos, hell yes, but not I'm an anxious mess that's writing this in the middle of a mental breakdown. Parents are never the one's to blame, no forgive them for not validating their children's emotions and struggles. No, strict parenthood creates strong-willed, rightful and successful people that think of themselves as worthless, weak, pathetic excuses. Oh we lie, and we lie good. Ask actors if they had strict parents... You'll find none, why? Because strict parents will inforce you an internalized fear of failure outside of social norms and acting is "a waste of time" to their standards. Support doesn't come from the right sized bra, but it sure as fucking hell is welcoming to be held and somehow relived from a burden you didn't fucking asked for. I was so happy ya'll. I was in cloud nine. That day I had a date with a guy I like that I thought was way out of my league, I lied my way through his pseudo intellectual remarks and he believed it.

We know how to lie so good and so true that eventually you lose track of your actual motive to do it in the first place. Society wants you perky and pretty, fuck yeah they do. How do I get all perky and pretty when I only see disgusting, overdosed surroundings? It's easy to get worried when you finally realize somethings not right. It wasn't right to be kneeling at someone's feet screaming a nasty and raspy wail of pain. 10 years it took me to fucking do that and yet nothing really changed. Now I'm just looked at with pity and the quizzical look that can only mean "when is this one gonna blow up again?" Oh, honey, I won't, you're just worried that you're just realizing this now. It's easy to be outside and just stay that way.

I was so happy, all the time. I was forced to lie in order to move forward. You love me? Yeah, as long as you earn it. Are you proud? Sure, as long as you don't fail. Am I okay because I feel like this? Well, it's fine as long as you keep it in. It's beautiful. "As long as..." my reality had always been subjected to a condition, and clause, a fucking constant reminder that I have to earn my happiness. I have to earn my own idea of self worth that is diluted through your standards. I have to earn reassurance from the people I surround myself. I must assume the best case scenario but I can't be surprised when it's the worst outcome.

Having loved a mad human made me realize how flawed I am. I was happy. So, so happy I forgot I wasn't. I tortured myself through endless nights of doubt, starvation with a full kitchen. Sleepless nights contemplating self harm and then decided against it because I had work and the cute client at work would see how damaged I was. I tortured myself with the idea of loneliness in a see of people, only to realize I've been in that see long enough that I grew a tail and fins. I was plagued my guilt because I didn't love them, but when exactly did it go from happy to uttermost bullshit? I was so happy I forgot what sadness was.

I was so happy it started hurting. Hurting when I failed to do something. It was excruciating when I was not able to buy a car because I had noticed I had spent my money of pleasing those who swore they'd provide for me. I was in pain when I showered and instead of singing, I just blasted music loud enough so that nobody heard my hyperventilating bitch ass. I was in so much pain that I welcomed it as my way of happiness. I loved my pain, because I've had it my whole life.

I had it when I was in forth grade and in order to fit in I had to go a sneak around to kiss a boy, and I didn't want to. It was there when I was accused of fighting other girls, but in reality I was trying to establish my self worth, so I was punished. In fifth grade I loved a boy so much I had written beautiful words to describe how much I loved his smile, and so he said I was stalking him and he got scared; 2 months later I was in a shrinks chair talking about it; fast-forward to last night, that same boy explained to me how much he wanted to fuck me now that he had lost weight. Middle school was terrible. Seventh grade, I was constantly degrading myself because another pretty blonde chick was only my friend when she could laugh through me. I insulted a perfectly great teacher because she noticed my self destructive behavior. Eighth grade came and I was lost with a blonde boy. He was beautiful and I was not. He was friends with the girl that swore fielty to me and he chose someone else and because he chose the pretty pale skin on someone else, I settled for the kid that wantedto finger me in the bleachers during recess. Ninth grade came and I was failing classes, parents were strict and hurtful, but they aren't to blame for my shortcomings. That's when I found myself in the arms of the pretty blonde thing I had fallen for. The pretty girl had him in public, I could only have him when we snuck around and he would hold me and kiss me like holding on to his life line. I was letting him touch me, but my self hatred didn't know no boundaries so I suck to my knees and gave my first blowjob at the top of staircase wearing only a lazy purple bra and the school uniform and the shame I'll forever wear because I did it without wanting to, but because I was expected to.

I was so happy to be out of there, that I ended up sinking deeper into my lie. I was smart, new and vulnerable. That's how I met the wholesome boy I called my first boyfriend who was nice and respectful, but he was as ugly as they come. I was a queen to him, but he was looking more like the ogre on the fairy tale and there came my vanity, my ego, my selfishness. I was brutal and I couldn't care less. High school started with a bang with the boy I played with, and when he got to close to my actual raw person, I kicked him out with a bang and he cried. I just stood there not knowing how to react, so I just went on to the next person I could lead on and play. Junior year I knew was difficult, and a black boy with a nice boy and a promising basketball future came around, I once again craved approval and degraded myself to it. That's how I ended up sneaking around 10 minutes before my parents picked me up. In the second floor, I'd found myself again on my knees, and expected to give a blowjob in exchange for attention, and like before, I was hidden, and I expected to be I had tears in my eyes, but because of my shame. Senior year came in, and the black boy with the attractive body was replaced with another, but this one only had pretty eyes and the promise of spoiling me with his family's money. Once again, I said yes when he said he wanted me to be his girlfriend, at least this time I was not hidden, but I was back in the cycle and I ditched my best friend in a movie theater so that I would be in the backseat on a Dodge, sucking my pseudo boyfriend's dick with tears on my eyes, not becauseofhis size, but becausethe disgust towards myself. Like before, I was expected to do so, and so I did.

Heavens above forgive the religion to blame women for sin and lust, but instead punish us for the boys who couldn't keep their dicks to themselves. The end of senior year came, and I was relieved, but then I fell for the guy my parents liked. Humble background, similar interests, and a promise of stability. I was ditched because for him I was a whore and his friends told him so, I accepted the insults and insinuations.

I was so happy, I forgot the rest. College was great and a religious nut job, a platonic love, a semi smart dipshit with the complex of being over everyone in experience, a quiet mature man that treated me with decency, the suicidal broken guy who needed healing #1 and the suicidal broken guy who needed healing #2, later, here I am.

I was so happy in these pictures, I had no idea was contemplating my own disappearance. I write this with migrane, blue ink from a ballpoint in my thighs, with nostalgic memories of moments where my mind wasn't this crowded. I was so happy it hurt. I guess that my logic dictates that happiness is painful and that my pain can bring me joy, but fuck I was so happy.

I had everything. I was pretty, I was smart, I was important. I'm still all those things, but right this very second, I'm happy, and painful so. Heavens above forgive for I have sinned...

I dared to fail... I sinned

I dared to fall into lust... I sinned

I dared to judge... I sinned

I fucking dared to wake up every miserable day... I had sinned.

I dared to be painfully happy... I sinned

I lied... and so that's my greatest sin of all.

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woossexyponytail · 4 years

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Chapter three, The troublemakers

Ateez x reader

Ateez pirate au

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The door slammed open revealing a young man with purple hair, his red dirty shirt open and only two of the last buttons closed showing off his bare chest, a large scar across his stomach.

"Oh! A female.. GUY'S THEIRS A FEMALE ON BOARD. And she is pretty" he said eyeing me, I blushed at him looking down at his boldness.

"Wooyoung shut your trap" Yeosang told him rolling his eyes at him, the guy, Wooyoung smiled at him then laughed loudly.

"Show respect to the lady" Seonghwa said walking in to the cabin smacking Wooyoung on the head. Wooyoung groaned rubbing where he was hit.

"Ok sorry" Wooyoung whined as he slumped his posture and started to pout some others walked in one was amost as tall as Yunho while the other two were taller then Wooyoung but shorter then Yunho.

"Yn, this is Wooyoung, that's San next to him is Jongho and the tall guy is Mingi. Guys this is Yn our new crew member" Yeosang introduced us all.

"Nice to meet you Yn" San said he had black hair that was slicked back with a white strip, he smiled kindly at me as he gently kissed my hand, making me blush a little.

The next up as Mingi as he gave me a crooked Smile and a small wave, he had red hair that pushed to the side, his clothing was like all the others a dirty white shirt and brown trousers and boots.

"Pleasure to meet you gorgeous" Wooyoung said walking up to me and placing his lips to my hand for another gentle kiss like San just did. He looked up with a smirk and winked at me after that but then Yeosang pushed him away.

The last was Jongho but just like Mingi he just smiled and waved at me, maybe the two are shy?. Well either way I'll get to know them soon enough.

"I can't believe you four, you actually did it" Hongjoong said as he was the last to walk through the door, closing behind him as he chuckled shaking his head.

"What you didn't believe in us? I'm hurt captain! You gave us a job and we completed it. Where's the gratitude?" Wooyoung asked faking being hurt as he pouted again.

"Shut it you idiot" Hongjoong said as he sat down on to the desk taking out what looks like a ruby, opening the draw on his desk and getting out the sapphire as he placed them together.

"Now we need to get one more right? Where is it?" Mingi asked his voice was very deep I wasn't really expecting that. Looking over at Hongjoong he placed the two gemstones on the desk and looked up.

"Tortuga, is our last stop until we get to Utopia. It will take about a week to get there" he said as he looked around at all of us they nodded as I just stood there with my arms crossed.

"All hands on deck" Hongjoong said as the crew all ran out, I stayed behind wanting to ask Hongjoong something and not infront of the crew.

"You alright love?" He asked walking up to me as I thought about how to say it, I looked up at him as he smiled down settling my ease.

"How did you know about my father?" I asked, thinking about what Yeosang said earlier, Hongjoong sighed then bit his lip.

"I might of done a bit of research with Yeosang help, but don't worry about it to much love" he said as he walked out of the doors leaving me in the room on my own.

✥---------------†------------------✥

The sea, perfectly calm, was like a peaceful lake, and its soft murmurs were scarcely audible, the waves seemed to sleep, as I saw a line of dark blue marked the curve of the horizon. The flat sea stretched in all directions, the afternoon sun scattering diamonds across it's surface as Seagulls wheeled overhead, carried by the cool ocean breeze.

We have been at sea for about a day now, I sat atop of one of the mast as the calm wind blew through my hair. I heard someone climbing up towards me, looking down I saw San as he sat beside me giving me a smile.

"You okay?" He asked his smile still bright as the sun, I hummed at him as I closed my eyes letting the warm sun gracefully moved around my skin.

"I'm just wondering what would of happened if I didn't follow Hongjoong, And how my father is" I whispered softly to him, San kept quiet for a little while before talking.

"You know my father would describe sailing as flying over water, dancing over the white crested waves, cleaving a path through the wind whipped water.

He would say it was freedom to him, to set sail into the wide blue and leave the duties of the land behind him. He said that the water called to him like a lover and whispered sweet nothings in his ears. He longed to feel the breaking of the waves on his prow as the boat headed out into the drink for a long voyage.

I never understood him, why he would waste away at sea when he had a family that needed him on shore, that is until he died there was nothing on land to keep me there after my mother passed away. So I sailed on any ship that wanted me. And I finally understood what he meant back then"

"What I'm trying to say is, Your father is probably worried about you, but if he leaves you for his own adventure, why can't you?" He said after that he started climbing down but stopped quickly looking up at me.

"It will be night soon, come down in a bit to have dinner with us ok?" He said that bright smile on his face as he climbed back down, leaving me to the peace of the afternoon ocean.

✥---------------†------------------✥

I saw Mingi as he was sat bellow deck a box next to him with a lot if different things placed in the box.

"Mingi, what are you doing?" I asked walking up to him, the young man flinched at the sound of my voice and quickly looked behind him to smile at me.

"Yn! I'm just cleaning the weapons don't want them breaking on us if we get in trouble now can we" he said laughing, I giggled along with him as he patted the chair next to him.

"Come take a seat I'll show you a few things" he said as I sat down next to him and watched what he was doing.

"We fill pots of metal or glass with gunpowder and attached a fuse" he said showing a metal ball it looked like what Hongjoong used in the cell.

"Chain shot they do little damage but slow down enemy ships." He said hold up some chains that are placed in the canons.

"You see, seeing a pirate flag cause lots of fear. This is one of the best examples of the effect that we have on our victims. Our reputation as villains makes our jobs easier as most would rather surrender than fight." I nodded with interest.

We walked back up on deck together as he finished off his talk, Hongjoong then called out to the crew, we all looked over at him.

"We're looking out for Merchants, Boys. Them that's fat with cargo!" Hongjoong yelled to the crew as we got ready to fight, well the crew San grabbed my hand keeping me with him.

"Find us a Schooner with that Spyglass, Wooyoung." Seonghwa yelled up to him as Wooyoung nodded and searched for a ship.

After a few minutes, Wooyoung yelled pointing in the direction of a ship in the distance, Hongjoong sailed the ship over the the merchant boat.

"Fire what Cannons you will, and land a few Strikes if you must. BUT FOR GOD'S SAKE DON'T SINK HER." Hongjoong yelled the last part, I stood watching the crew run in different directions.

"It's no fun fishing Cargo out of the sea. Although it can be done." Hongjoong whispered under his breath but loud enough that San and I could hear.

The merchant ship blew up, I jumped at the sound, San rubbed my back telling me that the crew would all be fine.

The ship got closer to the now stopped merchant ship, San dragged me away so I wouldn't see, but I still heard the whole thing.

"Good day to you sir! I am Captain Kim and this is my Crew. We're sailors like yourselves, but quite unalike in our Purpose. For we intend to take all that you own. Yet no Harm shall befall any Man, so long as they remains at Ease. Is that clear?" I heard Hongjoong say to the other crew.

"Don't kill me, Sir! I have a Family. Please!" A man's voice was heard I looked over at San and he smiled sheepishly at me.

"Tell your friends we're stealing your goods. And we won't hurt nobody if everyone stays as still as a sandbar. You got that?" Hongjoong said, I sighing knowing that they won't hurt anyone.

"Lock 'em in the hold, and take everything that isn't nailed down." Seonghwa said, the sound of footsteps rushing around was heard as the boys came back with stuff in their hands.

✥----------------------------------✥

As night fell the blue haze of day lifted to reveal the stars. The stars shone as sugar spilt over black marble, glistening in the sun. The night sky was such a welcome sight, appearing like magic at each sunset, promising to return as it faded in dawn's first light.

I sat on the fore mast in the calm, this has become one of my favourite things to do, to just watch the calming sea.

"What are you doing up here on you're own?" Wooyoung asked sitting next to me, I have become use to one of the crew sitting with me in silence, maybe to get to know me or to enjoy the silence.

"It's peacefully beautiful" I said looking up at the night sky, the stars hung above us, as if strung in the air by invisible strings. Wooyoung hummed, I felt his eyes on me as I looked over smiling shyly at him.

"So Wooyoung tell me about yourself" I said watching him, Wooyoung's eyes widened then he giggled at me a light blush appearing on his cheeks.

"There's nothing really to say about me. I grew up as an orphan, when I was old enough I ran away and got on a ship" he said shrugging as he looked out to the horizon.

"How did you get in this ship?" I asked still watching him, he was more interesting then the night sky.

"The ship I was on sunk it's how I got this scare, Then the Aurora sailed passed saw me and dragged me on board, been here ever since" he said, his hand rubbing his stomach, I nodded, my focus going back to the sky.

"Come on it's getting late" Wooyoung said as he stood up holding out his hand, I looked at his hand then to his face, he smiled brightly at me as I grabbed his hand as he helped me get up, walking down to the cabins.

Opening the doors Yeosang, Yunho, San, Mingi and Jongho sat in their hammocks, looking up they smiled at us as Wooyoung and I went to our own hammocks.

"One more day at sea then will be in Tortuga, are you excited about it, Yn?" Yeosang asked as he looked over at me.

"How is Tortuga different from the rest of the islands?" I asked laying back watching the guys laugh.

"Tortuga is the city of piracy home to all pirates, a safe haven one might say" San told me, I nodded in understanding.

"Who are we supposed to meet?" I asked, the guys looked at one another with a confused look on their faces, finally looking back at me.

"We don't know" Yunho said as the rest layed down and started drifting off to sleep, I layed there thinking about the person we are supposed to meet.

✥--------------†-------------------✥

I was in the kitchen helping Yunho when he asked me to go and grab some apples for lunch, I nodded making my way to the cargo hold at the bottom of the ship.

As I made my way down the stairs I heard singing, peeking around I saw Jongho stand his back towards me as he sang, there was somthing in his hands that I couldn't see.

I watch him for a while liking how soothing his voice is, he is a very good singer that's for sure. The younger boy turned around and froze seeing me standing there.

"Please don't tell my hyungs that I was breaking apples again" he asked me a sheepish smile on his face as he scratched his head, I smiled walking closer to him.

"I won't tell a soul" I said the boy smiled at me happy to hear that, I grabbed a basket that was to the side and placed some apples in there.

"Our we having apple's for lunch again?" He asked, I nodded my head as he smiled brightly at me.

"Here let me help" he said grabbing the basket from me as we walked to the kitchen, on the way I got to curious and asked about his life.

"Hmm, not much to say. My mother looked after me taught me how to pick pocket, showed me how to live on the streets. She passed away shortly afterwards, one day I pick pocket Hongjoong hyung. Instead of cutting my hands off he asked if I wanted to come aboard his ship as a crew member" he said I nodded as we got to the kitchen.

Opening the door for him Jongho walked in first seeing Yunho busying himself with cooking as Jongho placed the basket down on the table.

"I could teach you, you know. How to pick pocket, if you want" he said smiling, I thought about it for a few moments, it could be useful.

"Sure why not, sounds fun!" I said laughing we both laughed together as Yunho shook his head at us, Hongjoong then came in to the room a smirk on his face.

"What happened to 'I don't steal'?" He asked me, I blushed looking down as Hongjoong laughed patting me on my shoulder.

"We've corrupted you already have we?" Seonghwa asked chuckling to himself as he walked in with Yeosang, who smiled at me.

"Well she is a part of the crew now, she needs to learn somethings about being a pirate" Yeosang said shrugging, the others nodded agreeing.

✥----------------†-----------------✥

I was standing on deck with Jongho as he taught me how to pick pocket, I had successfully pick pocket a ring from Wooyoung who still hasn't noticed.

"Yn, here" Hongjoong said walking up to us as he passed me a sword, I grabbed it looking at it then at Hongjoong wondering why he gave it to me.

"You need to learn how to protect yourself if we get in to a fight" he said Jongho who stood next to me walked off to the side as he watched us.

"Uh can't I carry on hiding with San?" I asked noticing San behind Hongjoong who smiled when I asked that, Mingi shortly join us as well.

"You will but you need to learn, Mingi will teach you, San will watch to make sure you don't die in the process" Hongjoong said as he nodded to Mingi then San as he walked off.

"Die?" I asked looking over at Mingi then to San, I was terrified, they both started to laugh as Yeosang walked up to me.

"Don't worry Mingi won't hurt you" Yeosang said as he rubbed my shoulder, I nodded taking breath as Mingi showed me how to hold a sword probably.

After a few hours I was able to get the basic down, the boy's all cheered me on, wanting to see Mingi fail, after a few more rounds I was finally able to pin Mingi with the sword.

"See I knew you could do it" Yeosang said as the guy's clapped Mingi pouted once he lost but then laughed as he patted me on the back telling me well done.

"Land head!" Wooyoung yelled as we all turned around seeing the huge island that was getting bigger the closer we got, tuns of ship docked, as the island was crowded.

"Yn, Welcome to Tortuga" San said walking up behind me, Mingi next to me as he smiled with excitement, Jongho watched rubbing his hands together, probably thinking about stealing. The whole island looked colourful as I watched in amazement.

#ateez x reader #ateez pirate au #ateez hongjoong #ateez seonghwa #ateez yunho #ateez yeosang #ateez san #ateez mingi #ateez wooyoung #ateez jongho

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thebluelemontree · 6 years

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What does GRRM mean with this: "Q:[Will Sandor and Sansa meet?] A: Why, the Hound is dead, and Sansa may be dead as well. There's only Alayne Stone". Because what he says doesn't add up in the actual text from AFFC. In the Alayne chapters 'Alayne' still has a lot of 'Sansa thoughts'. I don't see any indication that Sansa is 'dead' no more than that Arya is 'dead'. I know The Hound isn't dead either, but he is supposed to be but his comments about Sansa/ Alayne confuse me a bit.

Don’t we all want to know what that means exactly! It’s a very cheeky answer that GRRM is want to give when he wants to skirt around spoiling something yet to unfold. Very observant reading by the way. More under the cut because this will be long.

Sandor’s part of the quote is a lot easier to understand. The Hound is dead, but Sandor lives. Obviously this isn’t about literal death. His duality and struggle with the Hound persona was already well-established. In hindsight, we can see this end to this persona is coming what with “a hound will die for you…” Later when he’s mortally wounded, all his options to return Arya and find a way back to Sansa have dried up, and not until he’s completely broken and stripped down does he finally confess his regrets and take full responsibility for his moral failings. This is the Hound’s death rattle. This is Sandor getting back in touch with his humanity and noblest self.

His time as the gravedigger is a direct confrontation of and penance for the Hound’s callous attitude toward human life. Remember all that blustering about being a butcher and everyone else is meat? Remember “if you can’t protect yourself, die and get out of the way of those who can?” Oh boy, is he going to eat those words. As the gravedigger he must labor for the innocent victims. He must look them in the face all day long. They were murdered by Rorge and Biter, two men who represent the Hound totally without conscience and gone fully broken man. One is wearing the Hound’s helm while raiding the Saltpans for Pete’s sake. Not only that he must serve food and clear the table for the penitent brothers. These are people the Hound would have mocked as stupid and weak lesser men. They believe in the gods, they openly acknowledge their trauma, and have chosen a life of nonviolence. The villagers and the brothers are the kind of people knights are supposed to protect. Now Sandor has to STFU, be respectful, and serve them on the humblest level. Sandor is being rebuilt from the ground up.

So “Sansa may be dead.” That’s a lot less definitive than his statement about the Hound. Like the Hound, we’re talking about the life and death of an identity, but which one will die in the end? Alayne or Sansa? You are right to notice that she has plenty of Sansa thoughts while being Alayne. Sansa Stark isn’t dead, but she’s not in the driver’s seat either. Hence why George might say “there is only Alayne Stone.” It’s more like she’s dormant or sleeping for the time being. The question is more like “will Sansa sleep for so long that she never wakes up again?”

Think of the snow castle scene in the Eyrie’s godswood where the statue of Alyssa lays broken in two and half-buried in snow. That’s a metaphor for where Sansa is in the story. Split in two with one half gone to ground. As a “Stone,” she is in danger of eventually petrifying into a cold, stone statue if she abandons all of Sansa’s empathy and idealism and adopts Littlefinger’s cynicism and cold-hearted selfishness instead. This also has applications to Catelyn turning into LSH. The Alyssa Arryn of legend was cursed by the gods to never know rest until she could openly weep for her dead family. Specifically, her tears must fall upon the Vale of Arryn below where her loved ones are buried. The waterfall known as Alyssa’s Tears turns to mist and is blown away by the wind before it can touch the valley floor, which is where the Gates of the Moon is located. Sansa does weep for her loved ones, but only when she can’t help it and it’s always in private. She actively tries to suppress thinking of them because it cracks her wide open. Alayne Stone has no family except Petyr and she must be Alayne all the time. Its clear though that Sansa’s tears have a direct relationship to her Stark identity. More on Alyssa’s Tears toward the end.

Before I get into the pitfalls, there is some good to be mined out of Alayne for Sansa’s character growth. Petyr may have given her the name and the backstory, but Sansa has fleshed out Alayne into the person she wants her to be. There’s a lot of fake it ‘til you make it going on here. Alayne is older and more mature. She’s pretty, but more practical and isn’t given to wearing too fine of gowns and jewels. She’s had the bastard’s hard knock life, so she’s got grit and determination to not be crushed by the worlds scorn. Alayne doesn’t take shit from Harry the Heir. She doesn’t cry in embarrassment or blame herself for his rude behavior. She doesn’t blush like a pomegranate over everything. Alayne is clever, more world-wise, and self-confident. Where Sansa was all cool and proper courtesy, Alayne is warm and engaging. Can you picture early Sansa impulsively hugging a shabby sellsword like Lothor Brune? No way. The very idea would have been appalling. Most importantly, Alayne looks straight ahead and unflinching at the path that lay before her.

“Coming up, Mya had warned her to keep her eyes on the path ahead, she remembered. “Look up, not down,” she said … but that was not possible on the descent. I could close my eyes. The mule knows the way, he has no need of me. But that seemed more something Sansa would have done, that frightened girl. Alayne was an older woman, and bastard brave.” – Alayne II, AFFC.

And as long as Sansa can convince Petyr that she has fully embraced Alayne, it lulls him into trusting her enough to let some of his guard down and trust her with more freedom than she had in KL. By constantly emphasizing their father-daughter relationship, it helps mitigate some of his unwanted sexual advances.

The danger lies in becoming his daughter in her heart, suffocating Sansa out in all but name. Petyr’s philosophy and skill in dealing with adversity is seductively attractive, leading to conflicting feelings within her. She isn’t comfortable with how he operates and she’s constantly pushed past her boundaries by him. Yet “he is so bold. Sansa wished she had his courage.” She mistakes his fearlessness for courage.

And yet the thought of leaving frightened her almost as much as it frightened Robert. She only hid it better. Her father said there was no shame in being afraid, only in showing your fear. “All men live with fear,” he said. Alayne was not certain she believed that. Nothing frightened Petyr Baelish. He only said that to make me brave. She would need to be brave down below, where the chance of being unmasked was so much greater. Petyr’s friends at court had sent him word that the queen had men out looking for the Imp and Sansa Stark. It will mean my head if I am found, she reminded herself as she descended a flight of icy stone steps. I must be Alayne all the time, inside and out. – Alayne II, AFFC.

Of course this would seem appealing to girl who has been powerless, afraid, abused, manipulated, and wanted for regicide. Petyr is never afraid. He’s never the victim or helpless. No one hurts him. He deftly handles his enemies before they can strike, leaving them impotent. He always knows what to do. Petyr is the magic man that makes everything go his way and he’s going to show Sansa how to do the same. All she has to do is become as cynical as he and be willing to use other people. He teaches her the world is divided into players and pawns and you do not want to be a pawn. Think of how this is reminiscent of Sandor dividing the world into butchers and meat. Yeah, Sansa is being tempted by the warm, safe blanket of absolute freedom from conscience and all it’s “benefits.” She might as well be handed the Hound’s helm and put it on herself. As Lem Lemoncloak says when he explains why he took up the helm: “the sight of it will make my foes afraid.” If that happens, all of Sansa’s goodness might truly die along with her Stark identity. Now I’m confident Sansa will find her back from the brink, but for the story’s sake, the danger and drama has to feel real and present. As a writer, GRRM has definitely pulled off that feeling as there are many readers who are convinced Sansa has already checked out completely no matter how many of those Sansa thoughts she has. :/

Back to Alyssa’s Tears and bear with me as I go on a tangent. I’m a subscriber to the theory there will be an avalanche on the Giant’s Lance. My gut feeling says Alyssa’s Tears will come into play and here’s how those “tears” might finally reach the valley floor in a very appropriate way for Sansa’s arc. We’ve already established the metaphoric connection between Sansa’s tears, identity, and the statue and legend of Alyssa Arryn. In winter, the waterfall freezes and becomes 20 foot long icicles pointed straight down toward the Gates of the Moon. That seems kinda ominous; however, the passage where they are mentioned is interesting.

The snow-clad summit of the Giant’s Lance loomed above her, an immensity of stone and ice that dwarfed the castle perched upon its shoulder. Icicles twenty feet long draped the lip of the precipice where Alyssa’s Tears fell in summer. A falcon soared above the frozen waterfall, blue wings spread wide against the morning sky. Would that I had wings as well.

Like that falcon soaring above the waterfall itself in the glorious light of dawn, I think Sansa will fly away and escape again, just as she did King’s Landing. Icicles are likened to weapons in the Eyrie and we’ve heard the phrase “tears are a woman’s weapon” often enough. Lysa used Tears of Lys as a weapon, but Sansa’s tears may be very different. I think we’re meant to make a connection between those 20 foot icicles and Ned Stark’s longsword Ice, an instrument of justice and her father’s philosophy. Recall that Ned was beheaded with Ice, likely because Littlefinger influenced Joffrey to change the plan from Ned taking the black. If one of those bad boys were to crack and crash to the ground, not only could it cause said avalanche that would effectively “behead” the mountain’s peak, but “Alyssa” would finally be set free from her “curse.” Not that I’m saying Petyr would literally die by getting impaled by an icicle, though that would be nice. I think it means his time as her father is quickly coming to an end. Sansa’s tears, her best weapon against Littlefinger’s psychological hold on her, is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. She needs to be brave, dispel the web of lies that binds her to him, and openly reclaim her identity despite the risk of capture.

Now I don’t think the Alayne persona really needs to die completely so Sansa can live. It’s possible she synthesizes the two into a newly remade Sansa, one who possesses the best traits of both identities. Sandor isn’t going to take vows and devote himself to quiet and celibate contemplation. Stranger is kicking down the stable walls and refuses to become a gelded plow horse. Some of Sandor’s old ferocity and his moody temperament will still be there, but he’ll definitely be changed by his experience as the gravedigger. It think it will be the same with Sansa. She’ll keep Alayne’s courage, strength, brains, and feminine wiles, but Sansa’s core values will guide her choices and actions.

#sansa stark meta #sandor clegane meta #alayne stone #the gravedigger #the hound #petyr baelish #littlefinger #Alyssa's tears #Alyssa Arryn #twow spec #avalanche theory #grrm quotes

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pokefanbri · 4 years

Text

1st I have to say this b4 I repeat the post from fb. This is a place where I can speak my mind freely without judgement, speak my peace even. Which is exactly what im gonna do so prepare for a read. So think what u want idc, but the last thing I wanna do is tick some1 I know off cause on some level there's a mutual appreciation & respect regardless of my impression. And anyone that reads this isn't obligated to understand my opinion & I dont expect u to. With my brain its my thought process to let information out of my head so I can put things aside, observe & absorb more lol. Writing is another tool or coping mechanism for my anxieties & other psych ailments, treatment for my mental health depends on it & other hobbies in other words, especially during shutdown, something to focus on. Heck even youtube is recommended by my doctor if it keeps me happy lol. But because ill be working again, I may not have time to do alot of things I like sadly..idk i just wouldnt want to be burnt out & focus on more important things. I have a high respect for anyone working around people during this time & it must worrisome for u too, means I have to keep on my toes as well soon..its a scary world out there for an introvert but I was killin it in NY too. It was just a slow steady process with all the limitations & moving my life up there wasn't easy to begin with but I pulled through & did it all...only for it to be taken away.

So, I'm an Irish, German, Canadian,British Mut from tucson. Maternal & paternal immidiate families lineage mixed made me, including my NY blood from my bio dad. The rest is all over Europe but u get the idea. Tucson may be where i was born & my 1st home without a father & raised not knowing (were mardi gras babies btw 😒)

But NY is & will forever be my 2nd home i dont care what any1 says, I felt I belonged there. Its the other half of me quite literally.Theres a memory that's really been bugging me. Last day b4 i left it, a bald eagle flew across my path in the sky no joke going NE & I was departing back to the SW. I chose the eagle years ago cause I identify with it. including the background symbolism in different phases of my life that included them lol, but to actually see one was just amazing.

They symbolize strength+freedom in general despite it standing for the country from sea to shining sea lol. Also Braviary was always in my pokemon team besides pikachu since its gen came out lol. I've always been strong, whether some believe it to be true or not is their problem, only I know the things I've gone through. Point is different ends of the spectrum its always been with me throughout in some way & im glad i got to share it with someone that gave me the freedom I needed.

But yea I experienced what its like to be there & got to know that part of me even if I didn't find him & maybe didnt care...I feel I was meant to be there. I was in touch with my roots, lower Temps & above sea level rather than high temps & below sea level 🤣 I loved everything about my time up there. It'll always be a part of me, & I hope to see it again. But I digress.

But in regards to the relationship itself, emphasizing on what i said b4. Just as it i got "settled" in it was gone & I had no clue what was happening without my knowledge, the whole plan to bring me back, all of it, the whole chain of events that unfolded the way it did starting with leaving a marriage in the 1st place to be with him i mean come on lol. Chasing a dream that didn't play out the way we had hoped. I took leap of faith & I ended up starting over twice in 1 year with no benefit of the doubt. I still have my ny health insurance for the rest of the yr, I have to add it to my list to apply again in az. Ive been wearing the wrong prescription glasses for 6 months under quarantine & they're just now getting to stage 4 of opening lol. Just understand how frustrating that actually is for someone like me & u totally get it 😅 U want to take care of business but sometimes you're limited & gotta work around it. had all that covered there & then was told I settled, wrong thing to say & its no wonder I didn't blow up in his face right there & then 😒. But I have retraint & can control myself. Though it was out of my hands the new relationship didn't have to go sour, been just as long if not more, could've actually thrived given the proper balance with room to grow. Idk, Sometimes I honestly don't think anyone believed in me. I mean I have no debt, no record, no kids, im a clean slate type of girl lol. Yes I did end up feeling unappreciated, underestimated, a bit neglected, insecure about my body, ashamed for being myself, & I shouldn't have to feel that way at all & if that happens there obviously something off. I just didnt know what it is he wanted & needed, i wanted to help & be a good partner to this dude but why is it bad to ask the same in return? I shouldn't have to drastically change myself to fit someones standard i know, but...i needed the old him back, I missed the old us & wanted to get back to that.. Was always so closed off & probably ended up in his own head who knows, maybe there was guilt for some of the things he did & didnt want to hurt me anymore, spare my feelings any more than it did b4 it was too late.idk whatever the excuse i still don't know what triggered it all to fail so easily & i don't think i ever will. But ending up with the conclusion that I was the problem, its narcissistic to even believe that & i won't accept it. Not when he can't confront his own issuse & put blame onto himself too.. it was a low blow & literally felt like my heart was pierced at the sound of it. If im to blame its the other way around as well. My point of view wasn't acknowledged so this is my take & experiences of happened so plz dont hate me for speaking my truth.

But yea I can tell when somethings not right & feel strong empathy for others emotions. I knew something was different, there were signs everywhere since the mistrust started & during the last half of that time with him I questioned everything but sat in my own headspace as well as he did just thinking about it. If anything we failed eachother, the blame is on us both but idk what else i could've done to get through to him. That's the stubbornness, he wouldn't budge. Despite how things went down..Leaves me to think, what was the point of having me there in the 1st place, to not follow through with our shared hopes & dreams but instead spiral into such resentment for me that the interest faded. But at the at the same time...even if it ended early for him, I didn't give up & I fought to keep us okay which it was for the most part. Hindsight is 20/20, it definitely wasn't negative all the time. In fact things were great between us & acted like goofballs together, that right there is a friend despite if the stronger feelings weren't mutual. Nobody with hate in their heart acts like that, he was good, the best, cheered me up when I was down, shared interests & did things for eachother. But that alone makes me question what was truth & what was fiction sometimes ever since the trust between us started to fade. Am I in the right to feel what im feeling right now? Im angry & upset yes very, but the kindness he had throughout..he did care in his own way...which makes things so much harder.

Tripadoodle if some way you're listening, I hope u know now where im coming from. For your own benefit & quest to be a better man like you always wanted...actually try. Head my advice. Making yourself better shouldn't be put on a womans shoulders to do for u without her getting lifted in return...its alot of weight to handle for 1 person to carry lol. Get off your ass & build on yourself, learn from everything that happened & become better for yourself & the sake of others, Because it starts with u. Go to church if possible or watch them, it really does help. Even from across the country I still want u to do just as good & help u as a friend. You promised we could remain friends & im holding my end of the bargain whether u like it or not lol it was your idea during the ride here. All I wanted in the end was to not lose u in my life completely...but i should be patient i know.. Theres more space, im not contacting u directly & respecting that, eventually ill stfu lol but I feel I need this rn. I should hate u,but I cant hate u, I do still care, u had that affect on me so much that I can't really listen to others when they say ur a douchbag lol, u were still my rock the whole time even if u didn't feel the same after a while & u did help me alot as well. I see the good in people & u are good, with well balanced snarkiness & humorous sass to boot. light a fire under ur own ass & ull be okay lol. Never stopped believing in u. Ive seen what you can do, you're very smart & know your sh*t, u will go far lol. And as a friend I'd lend u my strength if I could but the most I can do is pray for things like safety/protection, healing, forgiveness, guidance, etc. Leave it to God if u feel compelled to. Give zanabell a hug for me.

God i talk way too much 😅 No im not doing any of this for attention, I want my voice to be heard as well as a possible learning experience if it had that effect on anyone. The things we learn build character & help us understand a little more about ourselves. Probably shouldn't share cuz its nobody's business, yea ive thought of that too.. But its a blog lol, Tumblr allowed it to be that space, opinions and rants are allowed & encouraged. Nothing wrong with that 🤷‍♀️ so who gives a crap.

These are pictures of the NY sunrise & AZ sunset. Clouds always get me cuz of the shapes, used to to take pics of them all the time. once saw mario holding a hammer when I was a kid 😂 3rd & 4th pic is a split rainbow, never seen that b4...either someone found the gold or its deciding whether or not to connect. Probably was connected but I missed it lol. But then I looked behind me after the split 1 disappeared & a double rainbow was forming. Nature can be scary but also beautiful

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soap-brain · 7 years

Note

My prompt isn't part of the hug list and is kind of really angsty so feel free to ignore it if you want! XD I've read a lot of stories where the authors had Spock act like an asshole to make Jim run into Spock Prime's arms and it always makes me sad because I feel that it's unfair to expect Spock to act like his counterpart when SP had decades to accept his human side (1)

(2) so here's my prompt. Spock catches SP and Jim in a intimate situation (kissing or acting intimately or other situations) for whatever reason of your choosing (Spock and Jim had a fight, SP melded with Jim and the emotional transfer made them both act strangely...). The rest is completely up to you :)

it’s finally done!! this was a trip, man. at first i had /no/ idea what to write, how to write it, what you wanted exactly. then i started and it was slow and odd and then it began feeling good as long as i was careful, and now i’m SO PROUD OF THIS!! it’s my new favorite fic (sorry @ His Silver Lady)

i hope you like it though, it’s completely different from what and how i usually write, and i researched some interesting stuff (hey did you know they finished the golden gate bridge in 1937? and did you know there’s already a concept for roads to be replaced with solar panels?? the more you mcfreaking know i guess)

so, without any further ado:AOS Spirk, mentions of AOS Jim Kirk/Spock Prime, mentions of sex, established TOS Spirkwarnings for: a metric ton of sadness and Spock Prime whump, also references to suicide ideation; misuse of Shakespeare, Edgar Allan Poe, ABBA, Pacrim 2, The One With The Whales and a fuckton of odd metaphors

Rating: probably T??Wordcount: 4742

(it’s under a cut because it’s so damn long)

How can I then return in happy plightThat am debarred the benefit of rest,When day’s oppression is not eased by night,But day by night and night by day oppressed,And each, though enemies to either’s reign,Do in consent shake hands to torture me,The one by toil, the other to complainHow far I toil, still farther off from thee?I tell the day, to please him, thou art brightAnd dost him grace when clouds do blot the heaven;So flatter I the swart-complexioned night,When sparkling stars twire not, thou gild’st the even. But day doth daily draw my sorrows longer, And night doth nightly make grief’s length seem stronger.

How do you know something is missing? Something you never had - how do you know you’re missing it? You feel displaced, a bit empty, searching, maybe. It’s certainly not the best feeling there is, but it’s also far from the worst.

Because the worst is having been searching for all your life, and then you find what you were looking for - love and acceptance, given completely unconditionally. And then you lose it.

Of course, you had it. For a while, you were happy. You had everything you could wish for - and more.

And then you lose it.

You lose it and there’s no replacement, because that thing is gone. Forever. It’s not coming back, you can’t get a second one, no second chances, no winning in life.

You’re alone, lost and broken. Forever.

*∞*∞*

Blue. It’s the first thing he notices. Blue, like … like a summer sky. Like a warp trail. Like a science uniform, like the eyes of a dear friend. On the wrong person maybe, but still … still …

Well. He doesn’t quite know what to say. Not … right, certainly not, more like jarringly wrong, like an atrocious deformity. Everything is wrong about the stranger. He’s too tall, too slim, too different, too wrong, not sunshine-and-honey, more starlight-and-ice.

Perfectly wrong, perfectly right.

He’d thought he’d die here, alone, in the cold, finally, maybe, because he’s not entirely sure he wants to see what this universe becomes, out of time out of space out of order infinite entropy in infinite combinations different and wrong and perfectly, perfectly right after such a long time. Like coming home to a new place.

A difficult concept to explain or grasp, without a doubt.

“James T. Kirk.”

The confusion on his face is all wrong, epidermis scrunching up in the wrong places. It’s perfect.

“Excuse me?”

He found him.

“How’d you find me?”

Not that he’s surprised, exactly. This is a Kirk, after all.

“Whoa, whoa. How’d you know my name?” Confusion, worn so beautifully. Not what he wants to see, of course - not how he’d like to see it, certainly! - but … he’s grateful for everything by now.

“I have been, and always shall be, your friend.” It’s a miracle his voice doesn’t break. Or maybe it does, but can you blame him? Miracles like this don’t happen.

He’s not alone anymore, not lost, not broken. Not anymore.

*∞*∞*

My glass shall not persuade me I am old; // So long as youth and thou are of one date.

They have no place in this universe. Or, well, he doesn’t. Jim, Jim, beautiful Jim - he does. He deserves so much. He’s so young, so bright, so fearless, so, so beautiful.

Spock found his missing half again. His t’hy’la, his sun, his everything. Like the universe falling back into alignment, a pendulum with unending weight and no mass.

And then it swings past.

There’s a marvelous ship launching, a goddess in her own right, and her crew is beaming sparkling smiles, turning their backs on Earth with no regrets.

Is this what an abandoned pet must feel like? Watch those it loves and admires turn their backs and walk away, not a glance spared?

His knees want to buckle under the merciless weight of the stars, of years and years lived and forgotten and never happening. Because - because they never were.

Six sets of eyes, blue, brown, golden-sunshine-and-laughter. They never were. And nobody remembers, because they never lived.

Now, they are brown, they are green, they are grey, and a bright, burning blue. Like a shooting star: can’t touch, can’t feel, but all you want to do is latch on. It won’t let you.

What is there to do, when you have nothing? Nothing left, everything taken. Nothing ventured and nothing gained - but. What to venture for? What is there left to fight for?

For the first time in his life it seems like maybe giving up is the right way to go. Maybe - maybe it was enough.

The thoughts don’t come at night, under glittering stars, so far away, held dear in memory. The thoughts don’t come at day, under burning sun, merciless. The thoughts are already here and they won’t leave.

You become used to it.

Have you ever tried reaching out to the stars? Even if they aren’t yours, all wrong because they are exactly the same - have you tried touching them? Fingers stroking over a cheekbone. The eyes should be phoenix-gold, but they’re a morning sky. And the memory is but a dream.

“‘Let me help.’ A hundred years or so from now, I believe, a famous novelist will write a classic using that theme. He’ll recommend those three words even over ‘I love you.’”

So he will help. If nobody ever knows who for, then so be it. He can’t chase after a lover that was never his to have.

*∞*∞*

“Do you genuinely believe he likes me?”

Sigh. “He is me, and I do know myself. Yes, Jim. Spock likes you.”

“He doesn’t act like it though.”

So different. So much less calm. Exactly the same.

A smile the other man surely doesn’t see often from him - or his counterpart.

“Vulcan education doesn’t make it easy to act on our feelings, if we even admit we have them.”

“But - he doesn’t even use contractions when speaking! Hell, he told me off for using them in official reports! And you - I’ve heard you parody Bones’ accent!”

“Jim, all I can ask of you is to give my counterpart time and ample supply of possibilities to change. I am over a hundred and ninety years old, and the majority of that time was spent in Human company. It … wears you down, eventually.”

Jim flips the stylus he’d been fiddling with. “I did everything you said though! We’re playing a lot of chess, we have dinner together, I ask to hear him play the lute, I get him little trinkets, I’m trying to be as respectful as I can be, I’m practically flirting with him non-stop - how many more situations should I needlessly and weirdly bend over something? How dense can a guy be!”

“Always so impatient - ack!”

He’s so close all of a sudden, invading a personal bubble that hasn’t been invaded in a long, long time (actually, never. Because it never happened), smelling and feeling wrong, and exactly right.

Feelings are a confusing thing, but is there anything that’s quite as good?

“What’s wrong?”

A hand on his elbow, and bright blues looking worried. A momentary lapse of control, and suddenly it’s so much harder to regain his balance, externally, internally, eternally. Of course it’s his presence that set the timer off, tick-tocking towards doom, the shallow contact on Delta Vega, the most intimate connection, a mind recognizing its counterpart, no matter how distorted.

“Spock. Talk to me!”

“Selek.”

“No, you’re - you’re Spock!”

He sits up again.

“Jim …”

“Is it a medical condition? Do you need a doctor? Oh god, I’ll call Bones right-”

“Jim.”

“Yes?”

“It is, in fact, a medical condition of sorts, but nothing modern medicine can help me with. Or you.”

“What do you mean?”

Sigh. He doesn’t want to lie - his body craves the relief, the closeness, like a starving man craves food, the most delicious buffet laid out right in front of him.

If he touches it, it will wither away, leave, run, snarl in disgust. He won’t be able to survive that. The other alternative - abstinence, depriving himself - seems almost better.

Selek - Spock has never been strong. His mental restraints are mainly born from self-hatred, indoctrinated into him at a very young age. It makes it easier to deny himself.

But it has been so, so very long that he almost wants to give in.

Weariness goes deep - to your skin, after a long day. To your bones, after years. To your soul, after a lifetime of almost only mourning.

“Tell me what’s wrong, so I can fix it.”

Let me help.

‘The history book on the shelf is always repeating itself’, after all.

“I can’t let you. This is something I have to bear myself.”

“No. Nobody is ever alone. Let. Me. Help.”

*∞*∞*

To have known him, to have loved himAfter loneness long;And then to be estranged in life,And neither in the wrong;And now for death to set his seal—Ease me, a little ease, my song!By wintry hills his hermit-moundThe sheeted snow-drifts drape,And houseless there the snow-bird flitsBeneath the fir-trees’ crape: Glazed now with ice the cloistral vine That hid the shyest grape.

Giving in is, in a way, always harder than abstaining. It opens up places inside of you - deep, dark, horribly twisted places. Of why you shouldn’t have given in, ever. Of why you shouldn’t have abstained, ever.

Sensorimotor memory is another fascinating thing. It digs deep and leaves grotesque scars, and touching them again shakes you to your very foundations.

*∞*∞*

The first day feels like happiness. Pure, unadulterated happiness. Like seeing the sun for the very first time in your life.

The second day is bittersweet. You can already feel it ending, a bit, even though you’re just cresting the highest peak.

The third day is regret and lack. It’s already over, almost. Sanity is returning.

Hour zero, day zero, ground zero afterwards is disgust. Not normally, no. But in this case - golden head on a pillow, bare shoulders and back covered in marks, a picture of utter exhaustion - it was wrong.

When you’re very young, and your mother tells you off for stealing your sister’s treats, and you’re unhappy and angry with yourself that you did something, took something you had no right to, already loathing the bliss you found in it.

This Jim, with this blue eyes and bright smile - that one hadn’t been meant for Spock. And he took him anyways.

He stands there, in the open bedroom/living space, mug of tea in his hand, looking down at the sleeper, and he resents every mark on the pale skin, every memory revolving around those marks.

There’s a chime at his door and he knows, instinctively, who it is. He allows admittance. There’s nothing to hide. Like a thief caught red-handed.

His counterpart barges in, chock-full with questions, and he stops dead in his tracks.

There’s shock, then there’s realization, and then there’s anger.

Selek watches him. He doesn’t have anything to hide, all his crimes out here in the open for Spock to judge.

“You - you - he.”

Is there anything quite like fury choking your every word? Spock has every right to feel cheated, betrayed, stolen from.

And then his features fall.

“It was you. Not me. You. He wanted you.”

Selek shook his head. “No, Spock. He wanted you. I’m sorry.”

“Why?”

“Why I did what I did? I’m old, Spock. I’m old and foolish and I’m alone. I don’t belong here. I’m weary. I don’t know whether giving in made it worse or better; it doesn’t matter. He’s not meant for me. And he only wanted to help. He doesn’t want me.”

“But … you are more than me. Why - why wouldn’t he choose you?”

“The simplest explanation I can give you is that he’s not my Jim, and I’m not his Spock. There’s a Jim and a Spock in every universe, and they belong together. But … this isn’t my universe, Spock. This isn’t my Jim. My Jim … was different. I’m sorry.”

Spock stares down at the golden head on the pillow, fighting emotions that remain unseen. Selek knows them all.

“I need you to leave,” he chokes out, and Selek nods. Of course.

He dresses himself, puts on shoes, makes for the door.

“There’s a dermal regenerator in the bathroom,” he says. There’s no answer. He doesn’t deserve an answer.

*∞*∞*

Spock sits down, hands shaking, knees suddenly unable to bear his weight. Jim is still motionless, deeply exhausted from -

Something ugly rears its head in Spock, dark and snarling. From servicing his counterpart, taken like some kind of whore. Jim is his, his, his alone, and he wants to hurt Selek, make sure he never lays a hand on Jim again. Illogical? Yes. But justified. Jim is his! Selek should have taken better care of his own Jim, then he would not be alone.

He trails a hand over Jim’s shoulder, fighting the urge to dig his nails in and mark Jim. The Human moves under his touch, pressing against it. Yes. Jim knows who his Spock is.

It is terrifying, if Spock is honest with himself. This urge to mark Jim, claim Jim, like his consent is of no importance.

“Sp’ck?” He’s turned his head, lashes fluttering open and revealing crystalline blues.

“I am here, Jim.”

Jim rolls around more, until he’s on his side. He stares, and then his eyes widen.

“Spock! I - I can explain!” He scrambles to sit, bedsheet pooling around his waist.

“There is no need.” It comes out colder than Spock wanted.

“No, listen, I need to explain. Please!” Jim rubs a wild hand over his face and through his hair. “I - I - I don’t know how to say this, but please listen to me!”

Spock cocks his head.

“I - oh god - I didn’t mean to - look, I had no idea how to interpret the signals I was getting from you, and Selek needed help. Spock, I couldn’t just - I couldn’t just let him die. But … I - Whatever we had, I -” He swallows harshly. “I destroyed it, didn’t I? Everything we could’ve had.”

“I didn’t know you wanted - anything.” Spock exhales. There’s something in his chest, tight and loose at the same time. “I didn’t think you’d want … me.”

“I did. I do. If you still do then I’m, I’ll.”

Spock closes his eyes. He had always tried to quench optimism with realism, or pessimism if his heart grew too bold. He had not dared hope - but he had thought. Had thought of Jim, just Jim, with him. As if nothing else mattered. (It didn’t.)

“I do.” Said quietly, screamed across the rapidly shrinking distance between them.

Jim is smiling. Their foreheads touch without either of them consciously allowing it, so close together.

“I do,” Spock repeats, watching the tentative smile on the Human’s face turn brilliant.

*∞*∞*

It’s an interesting trait, Human sentimentality. Certainly one of the greatest flaws and greatest strengths of their race, decidedly not to underestimate. Take this bridge, for example. 323 years old, it would be considered a waste of space and resources, logically, and would be set for destruction. Maintenance and continued safety checks cost a fortune that could well be invested elsewhere.

If you would propose that same course of action to any of the locals, you would decidedly not endear yourself to them, but the fact remains that the upkeep of the bridge doesn’t follow any kind of logical way of thought.

The paint alone, specially synthesized to protect the ancient materials, costs a fortune. A colorful metaphor for Human sentimentality.

If Selek were another man, one and a half centuries younger, not yet worn down, he would surely have chuckled. A joke. He doesn’t make those very often, the references he makes with his punchlines far too obscure for anyone to understand, and, as in this case, they never happened in the first place.

The sidewalk isn’t made from concrete and stones anymore - a series of large remodeling projects allow all of San Francisco to be powered exclusively by solar panels that have been integrated everywhere. Roads now have a dull shine to them, looking far more finely fashioned than cracked concrete.

Selek wishes for the concrete. Watching where to step, careful to not bump into the man beside him, no matter how much he may want to, yearning for something half-remembered, half-forgotten.

‘Admiral.’ - ‘You used to call me Jim.’

He used to, yes. In another time.

Now, it doesn’t hold the same meaning. Now, it’s a hollow ache, desperation, a void refusing to be filled except with unjust, unhealthy appropriation.

It used to be the warm glow of belonging.

And the yearning for it is a Human feeling, through and through. Sentimentality.

The pier is more or less deserted - it’s hardly the weather for a nice stroll. There’s only one person, ahead of Selek. They’re leaning over the little wall between the walkway and the stony shore, robes flying in the wind.

It’s for the better. As though less people would see Selek’s shame.

It was a selfish act, meant to resurrect whatever he once was and making it about himself. Selek has lived for other people. It used to be his primary enjoyment, fulfilling him.

A life, devoid of meaning now. And for how much longer? Physically, Selek doesn’t feel that old yet, and his luck has been bad. How much longer? Twenty years? How do you live twenty more years after almost a lifetime without your heart, briefest glimpse of happiness, those few years, so long gone?

“And Quoth the Raven “Nevermore”!” the stranger exclaims, pushing away from the little wall. “Oh, you Humans. Always so doomy and gloomy. Find some enjoyment in life! Live a little!” He clasps Selek’s shoulder. “Oh, apologies. You are half Vulcan, after all. But do you hear yourself think? There’s more humanity in you than anything else.”

“Can I help you?”

The stranger winks. “Oh, maybe, yes. Do you happen to know a man by the name of … Admiral James T Kirk?”

Selek stops dead in his tracks.

“How -” His voice fails. “How do you know that name?”

“About 5’10’’, brown eyes, brown hair, a bit curly … used to be blond! He likes horses, Shakespeare, flowers, astronomy … Do you know him?”

“Who are you?!” There’s an age-old anger shaking in his chest, at the name seemingly used in vain by this stranger.

The stranger smiles like a cat that got the cream. “I am one of the Q.”

“What’s your name? Who are you?”

“Q.”

“How do you know - how do you know that? Him.”

“Mmmmmh, let’s just say I have my sources. But if I may: You two were fantastic for each other. A perfect fit.”

I know.

“But then, he had to step on the, what was it, Enterprise-B and, well, the rest is, as they say, history. What a sad story. Such a bright, bright man, and he gets himself killed before his time. Pity.” The stranger grins, entirely too off.

And then he leans close to Selek. “Or did he? He was presumed dead. Did he die, Spock? Did you ever see a body? How do you know that he’s really dead? The bond? What if it broke because he’s inside a singularity that transcends dimensions?”

“What do you want?” Selek is shaking by now.

“It’s called the Nexus. I’m pretty sure he’s still alive in there!”

Selek starts walking again, trying not to shake, not to stumble, keep his lips pressed thinly together and blinking away the overboarding emotions, throat weighed down with ‘Ambassador Spock, sir, apologies for interrupting, but there has been a message from the USS Enterprise-B.’ on top of the scalding emptiness of knives in his heart, memories, memories, loss, over and over.

The hand on his shoulder almost makes him buckle; the bridge offset in dark, garish red against gray skies bleeds away into lush green, a garden, wild, but beautifully maintained, with crops and flowers; a chestnut horse nibbling on some grass, a black cat with a red spotted cravat prancing after butterflies.

�� “Spock? Spock! There you are! What a feisty kitten! Come here!”

It’s a voice Selek would have recognized anywhere. His heart stops, free-falling; whether it’s relief or breaking, hollow sadness he couldn’t say, nostalgia and fear and yearning and ecstasy mixed together.

The caller comes into focus and Selek can’t help himself but reach out. Just one touch. One fleeting press of fingertips against fabric, against skin, against hair, and he would be content for eternity.

The vision fizzles and fades, replaced instead by the heavy gray around. It’s started to rain. Q is nowhere to be found.

*∞*∞*

“They were thigh-la,” Jim says absent-mindedly, running his fingers over the fabric of Spock’s robe. It is not as though Spock minds - he has waited far too long for this. But Jim’s statement is perplexing.

“They were what?”

“Thigh- Thigh-la? It’s a term Selek used, I think it’s Vulcan.”

“There is no such term. Perhaps you misheard.” “No, no, it’s a thing! Um, they were like … it’s going to sound stupid, but they were - soulmates, so to speak.”

“Oh. You are referring to the bond of t’hy’la.”

“Yeah! Exactly!” Jim sits up to face Spock, excitement sparking from his eyes. Spock finds he misses the warm weight of the Human’s torso against his. “What does it mean, exactly?”

“Like you said. Soulmates.”

“Oh.” Jim leans against Spock again, tethering him back to the universe that is wide open and, for the first time, welcoming. Smiling. Like coming home to a new place.

Then: “Are you angry at him? Selek, I mean.”

Spock allows himself a deep exhale, Jim’s pulse loud in his fingertips on his neck.

“I think … I think I am lucky to be unable to understand his motivation.”

“What do you mean?”

“Selek is … broken, beyond words. I cannot imagine - such a life, only so few years with your counterpart, and then all the time spent alone. I cannot be angry at him for - for being desperate. For wanting.”

“I wanted to help him. I really did. I still do. But … unless we find my counterpart, there’s no helping him, is there?”

“I am afraid not.”

“So he’ll never know love again.”

“No. And not even - what you gave him, Jim, though well-meant - it was not the love he needs. You are not what he needs, even though it is of course easier for him to delude himself to think that you are. I do not blame him.”

*∞*∞*

They see Selek again for their departure, the first time since, well, since. The Enterprise is set to a set of coordinates that presumably hold a singularity, and Selek will be coming with them. Presumably. Dear Creator, Humans certainly are one of the most delightful species.

Command hadn’t given them a reason for any of this, and it hadn’t seemed like any of them even know why the Enterprise needed to go there. The Humans find it odd, but have decided not to argue.

Jim’s only barely keeping himself from touching Spock. They’re not exactly out - Spock had felt the need to inform Nyota, and Jim had of course told Leo, but to everyone else they were still Captain Kirk and Commander Spock, nothing more. Delightful in their insecurity.

Selek holds himself differently, even more of a paradox than he’d been before, more straight, more lively, but like someone else was pulling the strings. Hm. As easy as all these little beings are, they certainly are fascinating. You can never really know how they’ll react.

“I’m happy to have you on board,” Jim ventures. He’d been worried about the old half-Vulcan, but then pre-departure-preps had hit him and he hadn’t found the time to check up on him, and in true Human fashion he had resigned himself to hoping that he was alright.

Selek reaches out to touch his shoulder, and Spock steps closer to Jim, warning, threatening.

“I learned my lesson, Spock. And I’m grateful you didn’t take it amiss. Learn from my mistakes, Spock.”

Selek keeps to himself. The Enterprise shoots through the stars, brimming with eagerness as she always does, always did, in every universe, in every dimension, a beating heart bright like the sun, a beacon of hope. They all hope, each for their own sake, and the ship carries the hope out into the void, a cheerful resistance against inevitability.

Oh, they have no idea.

A flick, a flimmer of thought, and the Enterprise stops, dead, out of power, shining brightly among the eternal night.

Inside, there is mayhem.

They can’t see it of course, but the Nexus is there, waiting. Not an entity that had endeared itself with kindness usually - it’s a grotesque, ugly thing, devouring, feeding off life energy, the immortal souls trapped within. Paradisical for lower lifeforms, no doubt - that was, after all, the Nexus’ spiel - but for anyone with a bit of a mind to see beyond the veil, it appeared more of a parasite.

Its maw was gaping, tongue trying to reach out to the tiny silver ship braving its edges, like a predator in waiting. Thank the Creator for chaining it at the Junction; otherwise, it would’ve been unstoppable.

The old half-Vulcan doesn’t seem to be interested in the when’s and if’s and but’s presented in increasing desperation by the Enterprise’s crew.

“It’s where I have to go. Please, let me. Allow me this one last thing.”

Ah. So he can feel it then. Splendid.

Jim Kirk doesn’t cry as he allows Selek a shuttle and wishes him farewell. Maybe there’s a part of him that understands.

And then the shuttle takes off, a tiny speck of silver, a shooting star, falling right into the abyss, the beast’s open maw. The Enterprise crew doesn’t see it, doesn’t hear it, only the shuttle’s life signals cutting off as though it never was. In a way, it wasn’t. The nonexistent prime timeline dies with Selek - Spock. This one will be different. Far, far different, except for the constants that vein every timeline, every universe, every dimension, a tether to the greater order.

Perhaps it is only merciful to give the Enterprise something to explore here. The Nexus can’t touch them anyways. Their time hasn’t come yet.

So, an oddly colored nebula sparkles into existence, flickering in and out, a proper scientific problem. It will let them discover several properties of dark matter instability years before they should have that knowledge, but then again it’s nothing but a drop in the ocean.

*∞*∞*

The shuttle begins gradually fading away, mattering less and less in this - wherever, whatever. Then, there’s only the forest. Trees rushing in the wind, birds singing, golden sunshine and bright green, stones and leaves crunching underfoot.

The path is narrow but worn, boot prints and hoof prints engraved deep into the ochre soil. Around a bend and over a wooden bridge crossing a stream, until there is a small artfully rusted gate. It swings open easily.

The garden is lush green, wild, but beautifully maintained, with crops and flowers; a chestnut horse nibbling on some grass, a black cat with a red spotted cravat prancing after butterflies.

“Spock? Spock! There you are! What a feisty kitten! Come here!”

There’s the call again.

The rusted metal is real under his fingers; the roses smell lovely and the leaves are green. It’s like coming home to a new place. Different, but home.

*∞*∞*

Let me not to the marriage of true mindsAdmit impediments. Love is not loveWhich alters when it alteration finds,Or bends with the remover to remove.O no! it is an ever-fixed markThat looks on tempests and is never shaken;It is the star to every wand'ring bark,Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeksWithin his bending sickle's compass come;Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,But bears it out even to the edge of doom. If this be error and upon me prov'd, I never writ, nor no man ever lov'd.

there we go that was it!!! i really, really hope you enjoyed it, and i’m sorry for the super duper long wait. i’ll post it to ao3 some day, i think, as soon as i manage to come up with a title

thank you for that wonderful prompt, anon!!

if you found every reference and stolen quote, let me know :D

also, disclaimer: i’ve seen the first four eps of tng, that’s how well i know q. i’ve never seen generations, of the poems i used i only ever analyzed one (the last one, aka my favorite). AND ofc it’s not beta read at all or anything, yikes!!! :DD

i think @gumballgladiator wanted to be tagged in this when it’s done? if anyone else wants to be tagged in stuff lmk!!

bye i’ll go to the gym now, i’m mentally exhausted :p

#spirk #aos spirk #spock #jim kirk #spock prime #star trek #star trek aos #fanfic #my writing #this is my non plus ultra i think. wow i love this fic. please be nice to it it's my child #my post #anonymous

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debhanatric · 6 years

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Jack Hits Every Nail On The Head; so take need theists everywhere or I'll mock your arse big time! Over to you Jack I haven't posted this in a while. Occurrences lately have convinced me there's a need. ---- TIPS FOR CHRISTIANS WHO WANT TO DEBATE ATHEISTS. #1. Don't be stupid. Someone wiser than me said that arguing with an atheist is a bit like picking up a woman in a bar: You're 90% of the way to being successful if you can manage to avoid the stupid shit other people have already done. Most of what you have to do to successfully argue with an atheist is just do not be stupid. ---- #2. Never, ever quote the Bible at an atheist. Ever. Seriously, you're not going to convince them that way. Ask yourself, would you be convinced by someone who was quoting the Hindu vedas at you? Or was quoting the Tao, or the Koran? To an atheist, one ancient book of fairy tales is very much like any other ancient book of fairy tales and until the atheist decides to believe in the religion in question, that's all any scripture will ever be. ---- #3. Do not say things like "God is just" or "God is love". The Bible is filled with examples of God being a cruel, nasty, blood-soaked, murderous bastard. Saying these things will only make an atheist laugh at you (or else will make an atheist get angry at you), and it definitely won't persuade them you are right. ---- #4. Do not mention Creationism, and do not deny Evolution. Doing so makes you look like a complete and total moron, like those psychotic wackadoos who still believe in astrology, or that the Earth is flat, or that the Earth is the center of the solar system. Showing your own scientific ignorance will not convince an atheist that you know what you are talking about. The opposite is, in fact, true: this is the quickest way to show the atheist that you're not worth listening to. ---- #5. Do not pretend that Christianity makes you morally superior to the atheist. The atheist probably has his own sense or morality, and will be fairly clear on what is wrong and what is right. If you tell him he is morally inferior because he isn't a Christian, all you're doing is insulting him. Besides, the atheist knows that the history of Christianity is filled with violence and bloody atrocity, and that the Bible encourages this bloody violence and prejudice, whereas other religions (like Jainism and Wicca) lack any violent history at all. ---- #6. Avoid telling an atheist what he or she thinks. You'll find yourself wanting to say things along the lines of "How can you believe that the universe just appeared out of nothing" or "How can you believe we came from monkeys?" Don't do it, because the atheist, who is almost always conversant in modern scientific theory, knows that both questions are nonsense and doesn't believe those things at all. Let the atheist speak for himself and do not put words in his mouth. Likewise, avoid telling an atheist WHY he thinks. Do not pretend to know why the atheist believes what he believes. Saying "You just hate God" is stupid, insulting, and will absolutely win you zero points. Maybe the atheist doesn't believe in God because there is absolutely no evidence supporting his existence -- which is the same reason you deny the existence of Vishnu and Thor, by the way. ---- #7. Don't use a broad brush. Always remember that atheists have a wide variety of beliefs, hail from a wide variety of backgrounds, and are not one large monolithic herd of people. Just because they don't believe in God does not make them clones of each other. Likewise, just because Atheist A is also a lesbian socialist who works in a record store in Amsterdam, has a pierced nose, and hates Italian food does not mean Atheist B cannot be a heterosexual capitalist who heads up a Fortune 500 company in New York City, is a dedicated family man, doesn't even wear a watch, and loves him some tortalinni al fresco. ---- #8. Don't threaten them with Hell. The threat of Hell is useless because not only do atheists not believe in God, they don't believe in Hell either. Its like threatening them with Never Never Land... they'll just laugh you off for threatening them with a make-believe "punishment" that won't ever happen anyway. And don't be cute and use the backhanded "Its not me, its God" approach to the threat, because that's even more ridiculous. ---- #9. Do not ignore or evade questions that put your faith to the test. Don't evade serious questions that put your faith in a bad light. Do not tap dance and pretend the question does not exist, and do not bullshit about having "answered" the question when all you've done is dodged it. Atheists occasionally ask heavy questions like "If God is supposed to be all-loving, then why does he allow so many children to starve to death every year?" or "If God wanted to reveal himself to us, why did he do so through a self-contradictory and confusing Bible that has lead to thousands of splits in Christian theology, so that almost nobody -- NOBODY -- heard the alleged revelation correctly?" Do not avoid these questions by answering with "Who are we to question God?" or "God is mysterious." or "He has a plan and its not up to us to question it." Such answers are just another form of dodge, and it makes you look like you've got something to hide. ---- #10. Never make an assertion that you cannot defend with independent, verifiable, testable evidence. The truth is, Christians often will memorize and parrot points from an apologetics website, but won't actually bother to find out whether what they've memorized is actually true. They won't bother to even find out why they are supposedly true, even when they aren't. Atheists have heard most of these arguments before, know that these arguments are false, and usually have ready answers that point out how false they are. ---- #11. Admit when you're wrong. If an atheist can show that your argument is false, and you respond with "Um... well... You must just hate God!" or "You refuse to accept the truth when its given" (despite having just been shown that your "truth" is nothing more than a big fat lie...), you're only going to look like an idiot. ---- #12. Treat atheism seriously. Most philosophers and scientists are atheists. You know, the smartest people in the world? So don't just handwave it away as if its not worth your time to discuss. Go out of your way to understand the atheists point of view, especially why they are atheists in the first place. Do not brush aside the points they are making, and always keep one thing in mind: YOU MIGHT BE WRONG AND THEY MIGHT BE RIGHT. Since Christians almost never consider atheism seriously, you’ll win a lot of points with atheists if you do this. They’ll see you as a different breed of Christian, one actually worth talking with. ---- #13. If you're going to talk religion with an atheist, do so honestly. Do not begin such discussions from the assumption that your conclusions are automatically true. Rather, be honest and open and talk things out. Doing otherwise isn't discussion, its dictation, and no one likes being dictated to. Again, accept that the atheist might have good, rational, believable reasons for his atheism, and accept that your belief in God is a matter of faith, not fact. When an atheist makes a good point, acknowledge that he has done so. And always stay respectful, even if the atheist isn't. ---- #14. Admit when you are wrong. Yes, I know this is a repeat, but so what. This is simple: if you are wrong, and can be shown to be wrong, on a matter of verifiable fact, then just admit it and accept it. For example, perhaps an atheist points out where you employed a logical fallacy. Admit your mistake, and then restate your argument without using a fallacy if possible. This is huge. Atheists will respect you for this and will want to talk with you more often about your faith. Admitting your mistakes is very impressive. Hopefully you are not a Creationist or a Biblical literalist, because the truth is that a huge part of the original Christian doctrine was simply wrong. There are real, scientific and historical errors in the Bible. However, be aware that the presence of these errors in no way takes away from Jesus's message, and to a Christian it should be the truth of that message, and not the false "inerrancy" of the Bible that matters. ---- #15. Appeal to reason and evidence, not faith or personal experience or Scripture. Atheists don’t see any use for faith, which they often define as "believing in something without any evidence". To the atheist, “I believe because I have faith in God” sounds as silly as “I believe in astrology because I have faith.” Likewise, your personal mystical experiences with God aren’t going to convince the atheist. The atheist didn’t have those experiences, and can’t verify them. Besides, the atheist knows that billions of other people around the world claim personal experiences with contradictory gods and spirits and aliens, so he doesn’t see personal experience as reliable evidence. And we already talked about the problems with Scripture. ---- #16. Have a sense of humor. At some point, you might be mocked for believing in magic and illusion and having faith in an invisible sky man. Do not get angry, because all that shows is that you are immature, have a thin skin, and need to grow up.

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exfrenchdorsl4p0a1 · 7 years

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The Truth Isn't Trending Well With Democrats These Days: What Every Democrat Needs To Hear

I write this on the eve of the electoral college vote, which is tomorrow; I already know the results. I have known the results since November 9th at 2am. There will be no Hail Mary moment. Red states will not go blue. Your phone calls, letters, mass emails, and pleas have done nothing more than annoy the electors. All of that energy, the money spent on a recount, the false hope fed to us by our "progressive leadership", all it did was succeed in us taking our eye off of what really matters: fights that could actually still be won. The truth is: Donald Trump is our president. Please, my dear liberal friends: take a deep breath...and sit with that. Let it sink in. Cry your last tear, throw something, scream, and then save it for another day. We have four years of screaming and fights ahead...we need you to get back up and on your feet...now. I am officially turning the lights on and the music off at your pity party. Time to come home and organize. We as democrats have managed to point fingers at everyone but ourselves. The people closest to the campaign being the most arrogant. THIS is what scares me more than Trump. If we as a party, can not realistically understand that we lost, and look hard at where we lost this, then we are sure to just double down on the same failed strategy and lose again. Same old people, playing out of the same old dog eared playbook that Nixon, Reagan, Clinton, Bush, all used..and you know what that sounded like? The same words that the people have been hearing for the last fifty years. "apple pie" "freedom" "bald eagle" "hope" "a new tomorrow" same tired strategy, optics and words. Do you know how that registered in the minds of voters? They weren't quite sure where they had heard those same old phrases before, but they had, and they felt lied to, because we have been lied to so many times before by every politician. Everything Hillary did and said, felt "inauthentic" sounded like a "lie" even when it wasn't; because it was all out of the tired old playbook we had been manipulated with before. Trump threw the playbook out the window. He could have said "unicorns are crapping donuts out of the sky and it is the fault of Isis and the Muslims" and people would think, what the hell is this guy saying? I don't know, but he "sounds like a straight shooter to me". This guy "calls it like he sees it, whether I agree or not". AND THAT my friends, is how this election was won and lost. Messaging. We have pointed fingers everywhere: The FBI, the Russians, hackers, misogyny, racism, ignorance, the media, the electoral college, voter fraud, and today...we get a teeny bit closer to the truth: the scapegoat who is poor Huma Abadein, Hillary's closest advisor gets the blame du jour. Well, at least were getting warmer. The truth isn't trending well with Democrats these days, but here it is. We lost the election for two reasons: Hillary Clinton ran a terrible campaign. People didn't vote. Period. Misogyny didn't win. The FBI didn't win. The Russians didn't lose us the election. Racism didn't win. Voter fraud didn't win. Hubris lost. We were so sure of ourselves, high fiving each other because Trump was such a "moron", meanwhile her communications team was a complete disaster. I had voiced my opinion to many people working on her campaign, and they were blindly out of touch. They simply did not care to hear anyone's opinion, any fresh ideas, and they did it their way, sticking to the old playbook that had been handed down for the last hundred years. Never daring stray from the script. I'll give you just a couple of examples of where we epically dropped the ball on a gold mine. Before I start, this is NOT an "I told you so"..it is simply a way to see, and learn from our mistakes, which we MUST do--once you read this, I think you'll get it. When Hillary fainted on 9/11 at the memorial because she had pneumonia. The Trump campaign ran with that. They immediately attacked her health, said she didn't have stamina, that she was not well enough to be president, and that she lied to the American people by not disclosing her "mystery illness". Clinton's camp sat quietly, and then they sent out the big guns. Bill Clinton came on tv and I thought, well thank goodness...Bill's got this. Do you remember what his response to her fainting was? "Hillary has been working like a demon...she gets dehydrated" I almost screamed at the tv. Why not tell the truth, and turn this moment into pure gold? A lovely alternative might have sounded something like this: "Hillary has pneumonia. I had pneumonia when I was 6. It's like an intense flu. Not cancer. She will get well soon. We didn't feel the need to announce every headache or cold she gets to the media. It is not life threatening. Mrs. Clinton would not have missed standing with those families on such an important day for anything in the world. So, with a hundred and three degree fever, she got up, and got dressed; to show up for the American people, to show up for those families, and to go to work. And while we're on the topic, how about we discuss how she, like millions of other Americans do the same thing Hillary did--everyday. They get up sick, they get dressed, and they go to work. Because we don't have paid family leave, or sick days; and you know, we probably should." The end. Now, was that hard? It wasn't. The mistresses? Again, Trump paraded them, blamed her, I saw women on social media saying that she was "so nasty" to the women her husband had cheated on her with. They spun it so it was somehow Hillary's fault that she was cheated on! Genius. Why on earth, did this woman not stand up, especially during the debates, and say "You know what? Thank you for bringing that up. I've been married to Bill for over forty years. Not all of them were easy. Many women in this audience, and men have experienced tough times in marriages and some have experienced infidelity. It is painful. It is usually private. I chose to forgive my husband to keep my marriage and family together. While I respect women who leave, I chose to stay. I chose to honor my vows said before God and family, and do what was the most difficult thing I had ever done, forgive and rebuild. I stayed when things got rough because I made that commitment. And as your president, I promise to do the same for you. I will stay and fight to make us stronger when things get rough. And you know what? I'm glad that I did, because now my marriage is stronger than ever and my daughter is doing great and I am happy." Good Lord, she would have sent it over the fences. Instead, when the mistresses were brought up, she would give a smug smile, and lean into the podium, half perched on her seat, and not address it. It was inauthentic. It was smug. It didn't read well. And whoever came up with that zippy slogan "Love Trumps Hate" clearly didn't understand optics. When I turned on the DNC Convention, and saw an ocean of people holding signs with the name Trump on them...I thought, this guy must be home laughing right now. Why on earth did we shake signs in the air with this man's name on them? He couldn't pray for better press...all hand delivered by...us. An auditorium of Democrats, enthusiastically shaking Trump's name. Sure, the word "hate" was on there, but so was "love". Bad messaging. Terrible optics. These are just a few very simple ways that she could have done better. From pant suit flash mob videos that looked like Gap ads, to completely uninspiring television spots (with the exception of the Gold Star Khan family, which was the only powerful piece of media I had seen the campaign run) to mosaic mashups of celebrities all montaging the same tired old message. It all just flopped. Add to that an ineffective speaker, whose speeches were canned, rehearsed and stiff, and she was an easy target. If you think that they don't "sell us our presidents the same way they sell us our clothes and our cars", you are mistaken. Hillary should have been as exciting as Obama in 2008. Our first female president, and even I, a devoted liberal had to rev up my own engine to muster any level of enthusiasm for her. I knocked on doors in Pennsylvania. I made a short video urging people to vote for her. I helped raise money. I wrote favorable pieces about her. The saddest part is that I have met her in person...she is not only graceful and kind, she is affable and lovely, brilliant, generous, and open. That is what upsets me most. She has it in her, and she would have been a terrific president. It just didn't read and she was surrounded by weak people advising her. I sincerely hope that they no longer work in politics. The polls were not "off" the people taking them were. Leaving out a percentage of folks who weren't racists or misogynists, they just didn't want to vote for Hillary, and kept their mouths shut, because they didn't want to be ostracized or called names. All of it, was a disaster, and I have lost more liberal friends than conservative, because the one thing liberals can't do right now, is hear that they failed. We failed. But ultimately the buck stops at Hillary. She didn't even come out on the night of the election to address the people who had worked so hard for her at the Javitz Center. They were given false hope and sent home crying, then given the news by Donald Trump who said that she had called him. Need I say more? We were still "With Her"...but she was no longer with us. My views have made me terribly unpopular. But I'm not going to lie to you. You have been lied to enough lately. Democrats right now want to hear what a jerk and scumbag Trump is, how we got robbed, and how there's still a chance. They don't want to hear the truth. But until we make peace with the truth and channel that anger towards fighting the real fights ahead, they are going to finish us off. Ohio and North Carolina are showing us that already. We were so busy talking about who really won and by how many and how we actually weren't to blame; while they have been hard at work stealing more from us. Please focus, everyone. We have lost so much, but we ain't seen nothing yet. So, I urge you, after the electoral vote count is in...pull yourselves off the ground, clean yourself up, and start fighting like hell. Fight the real fights we have in front of us. The victim look isn't a good look on any of us, and I, for one, am not going to be any part of that. I will be the one fighting rough, going as low as they go, and punching harder...because I am not going to die, and I won't let you or this country die either.

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repwinpril9y0a1 · 7 years

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The Truth Isn't Trending Well With Democrats These Days: What Every Democrat Needs To Hear

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