#and allowing me to have the motivation to procrastinate my thesis and make stuff for fun instead! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kendrixtermina · 4 years

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Now here's an all new theory for where the procrastination comes from

Like the uni councilors thought of like generic selfhate insecurity or like spineless ppl pleasing (nope an anime cured me of that when I was 13 - thst sounded more like what that ladys own problems might be), fear or failure & wanting to spite my father, eveb that getting ahead through "talent" was an unfair advantage bad tainted and evil, or that "talent" meant being beholden and controlled by others (definitely somewhat right - we worked on that, it helped, the second guy was defs much much more helpful & compatible cause he focussed a lot more on strategies than wannabe-maternal pep talks) but there was always something else there that wasnt getting touched

In tje end I dont think I have talent and in any case what really matters is attitude toward "living the examined life" for example whst you do. What you notice.

Now I did notice that things get harder to do precisely because I actually want them(whereas a lot of ppl get distracted from stuff because they dont really want it) - at the same time I can totally function or pick up new habits in day to day life its not like I have some "hardware problem" like, say, ADHD or the like.

Like of course its some emotional knot it couldnt be anything else but I feel they didnt identify what kind of knot? Certainly not that first lady. If im trying to get clarity and you give me reassuring pep talks you just freak me out more for the love of god tell me whats happening. Nothing worse when a Doctor says "it will be over soon" rather than explain the procedure

Fear of/ distraction from wanting itself never really occured to me thats not a common stereotypical fear that ppl talk about.

Let me get this straight I never thought I was better than anyone I knew very well that I'm not. I thought of both those things as ways not to get bullied, maybe get somewhere where I feel that im in the right place.

If I look back at really breaking experiences it was times I really really wanted something and then I couldnt do it or some outside party stepped on my fingers. That Tori Amos Music Video where she escapes from a psycho killer's trunk and then the passerby's dont help her? That was my most favorite music video in the world for years maybe still is.

Like I was told I could maybe skip third grade and I poured all my energy and passion and strenght into that everything I had to do well, make friends with the new class i was so highly motivated I aced all the exams I felt so happy & fulfilled just being in thst flow state all the time... i wanted this more than anything. Maybe it was the first time I really wanted something beyond vague dreams or base desires. But the homeroom teacher hated my guts and put the kibosh on that; Probably because I was unwittingly repeating some of the artogant classist shit my father spouts without realizing how hurtful it is. my parents thought it wasnt worth going to the higher ups for that but having to essentially redo 4th grade in a crap school in the different town we moved to was one of the worst times of my life. Also I didnt find out that the teacher had hated me/acted in a petty way until years after I thought I just failed. That there was a possible place I could have belonged but turns out I really belong nowhere after all.

All my effort was for nothing. It was such a joy - i mean these days even getting code to work or solving math problems has that same joy - but all that effort and joy and wanting did was that... im tearing up and searching for the words to even process this tbh. I think I denied that joy, told myself that I was just a stupud kid thinking I was a special snowflake. It didnt even matter.

Rather than insist on staying up late to make sure my homework was done I just stopped caring and hardly did another piece of homework in my life just faking it on the spot or coasting through. It could have gone another way maybe if it werent for the bullies and my father the chief bully or if only I was more determined but it was like "okay I dont care anymore I just dont care" and I think thats stayed my default response to dissapointment to this day.

This TV show didnt turn out like I wanted? I dont care its just a tv show.

My father treated be with hatred all my life? Its okay I dont care about him and I dont want his love anyway.

Like there were other times when I thought I could be happy.

Like I really wanted to go to this boarding school for gifted kids. Again I thought maybe incorrectly that this would be a place where I can belong and not be bullied it was never about being better than anyone.

Again I wanted it I clamored and cried and made noise nonstop. Maybe I still hadnt wholly lost contact with willpower back then. I still thought of myself as strong willed.

And my father made me regret it. It was around the same time that mom briefly considered divorce maybe I was just the stress valve. Or he took it personally as wanting to get away from him. Duh he abused me of course I wanted away from him. He was such a suffocating control freak! Mom said yes first then he spoke to her and suddenly she followed everything he said. Thats when I really realized how emotionally manipulative was how abusive... i mean one of my first conscious memories of him is thinking "oh crap I will be just like cinderella" but he really laid it on so thick so transparently even a 10 year old could tell its manipulation. If you do this you dont love your mom. If you do this you dont love your siblings. If you dont obey me your mom will kill herself. No she wont you jerk even my 2 year old self could tell youre abusive.

The most cruel thing he did was briefly say yes. Again I got so happy. So invested. Just bending all I was towards that even though he bombarded me with abuse and mental torture.

And then on the day we were supposed to leave he said no youre not going.

Maybe I actually did say I didnt want to go because of one time he was doing this constant scientology type torture on me

That same reaction: "I dont want it I dont want anything so please please let me be"

Ppl think of bad childhoods as a game that you win if yoz turn 18 -or 28 maybe - without killing yourself. But its not. Every year you live it can take away from your potential. Every day less than you have to live it

He sure didnt let me have sucess with his overcontrol and abuse. Anything I was proud of he rules. When I graduated from school with a fairly good but not perfevt final score he humiliated me. When I turned 18 he humiliated me. Everything I did was a burden even just feeding and washing me. Hed give me unwanted white elephant gifts then bitch about how giving them to me ruined his life cause he had to work so muxh "Ingrate Ingrate Ingrate" Butch I never asked for anything I want nothing!

But as I had to eat I did in fact have to ask things of him and I hated it so much.

No wonder that I turned out afraid of wanting things eh?

Hed seen some poster when we went to see tje school I wanted to go to - not by the school by an individual student - about the history of abortion portrayed in a positive way or at least that was his official reason why I couldnt go. Again I had wanted something badly with all my being and again all my being availed nothing. Irrelevant like I didnt exist. All my screaming gone unheard.

And this is so silly cause im not a child anymore I have control and if I were to stop procrastinating I could have money and gave even more control.

I havent even spoken to him in years now hes no longer relevant. Its not about him its about thus bad pattern I picked up.

I like how this books handles it with the idea that certain experiences dont create the type but that it nakes you uniquely suceotible to certain kinds of hurt or certain misunderstandings.

Because with all this discourse about bad message free media ive really come to think that while it can and should be minimized its not possible to eradicate cause human mibds are so quicl so fallible to extract overgeneralizations and make it mean something abput themselves

Like an immature statistical learning model easily overtrained by noisy data.

Another time I was nearly happy was when I started looking for work, doing my thesis...

Same pattern I was engaged, happy to be engaged talking to ppl at both work and in the uni work group loving it all so much...

my life had started to feel meaningful again. And it had gotten to that point in part because of my ex-fiance. Yes the councelling heloed taking up meditation helped, getting high on morning glory that one time helped a whole lot got more self esteem from that than I ever got from my father.

But that all started because of my ex fiance.

He was an i tellectual type and he had a sense of purpose about him like hes a legendary character and everyone around him became legendary too. And he found me useful! Others had called me "walking dictionary" with mockery and scorn he called me his google and it meant love and admiration. Maybe I got a bit of an ego trip off of tjat but I also really stupidly dumbtastically loved him I bragged of him to anyobe who listened everything he did seemed fascinating abd interesting and meaningful, but also I just loved the sweet gentle warmth of being next to him in the morning. Once again I was happy and everything was joyful even when it was hard, I felt strong and meaningful and useful and I let myself openly want things.

And then it all blew up. Worse yet i was so mistaken abozt him it really shook my confidence in my own judgement or any sense of clarity. I was si confused during the fucking breakup like I hadnt been since I left my father's house.

Google hah! More like his personal Alexa! It turns out he didnt respect or like me at all.

I couldnt even be sad or angry cause it was all my mistake. The one feeling I allowed - and even that took me weeks to identify - is dissapointment. Heavy leaden dissapointment i didnt even kniw that was a feeling you could feel so strongly. I didnt even do anything wrong you have to open yourself to have love. He could habe choosen to love me he just simply didnt. He probably thought he did but he wouldnt evebn do something as simple as not make fun of my voice or clean when I am sick.

Once he started putting me in the "wife" role he just became unable to see me. His loss really cause I think he wanted to keep me from all those annoying texts and email he had the nerve to write.

By all means I was right to trust but also right to leave later but still my sense of certainty and purpose and meaning was totally shaken. He did the sort of romantic stuff I didnt think was real. I knew I loved him when we had this conversation about water on mars. He got me the perfect books for my birthday! He said I was pretty and a genius and looked just like an actress. He got me this titanic esque heart pendant with stars. We were stuck at midnight in a train station that one time and he pulled out a picnic rug two plastic glasses and a shampain bottle. It never worked out but he said he might take me to see the LHC! I really thought we would be buried in the same hole folks!. He had read that same steven Hawkings book that I loved. One of the rather few books he actually read as I would find. Sigh.

And I fell right back into that same old pattern. Dont care about anything dont want anything it would be stuoid unrealistic and silly to want.

When I first came to uni I also had this feeling of hapiness and belongingness and wanting, I was putting in an effort, talking to ppl more.. and when things went wrong the slightest bit I pulled by hand back from that like from an open flame.

And here I am years later most the sucess or contact I get is comments on my fanfictions.

I thought I was doing that, or drawing, because its Stakes/Evaluation-free (going by the fear of failure theory) or because at least with the ffs gratification/payoff for effort is immediate compared to original stuff or uni work. Its a nice little niche at least.

I mean I do care about it its not "just" distraction but maybe ive been profaning it in that way... and so etimes I dont even do that and go for full unadulterated undebatable distraction; Line to 7 I guess. Tje only reason I spoke face to face to anyone else than the delivery guy this week is that I had some doctors appointments.

But not its distraction from stuff Im too lazy to do or even from pressure like I always thought. But from wanting things.

So the original fiction went great while it was a distraction from school not so much when its one of the things I most want and actually have the time to do it.

Even thought thats the most practiced skill I have that I never stopped working on since I was 10. 🤦‍♀️

I mean they already explained that its basically like meditation. Or weeds. Or popup ads. Youve got to click them away as they pop up.

I always told myself thst I didnt have to be happy... and thats not even untrue actually but it would sure be neat to be happy again one of these days.

#enneagram #enneagram type 5 #feelings #enneagram 5w4 #5w4

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another-f-ing-imagine-blog · 6 years

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Caffeine and College

Loud rock music blared from your dorm room as your fidgeted your body, writing frantically.

See Procrastination and college are interesting motivators.

You stood writing your essay, eyes glued on to the page as a familiar figure entered the dorm.

Your dorm mate; Spencer Reid.

How did you two -a college freshmen; and a literal teen genius -end up in the same dorm you may ask; well you two so happened to have been forgotten when dorms were being assigned so both your counselors threw you two into random rooms-that happened to be the same one-.

Also the possible fact that you graduated a year early and had to stay in a dorm for the first year anyway; and the teen genius is required to stay in a campus dorm due to his age.

Anyways:

The hall was co-ed but the dorms weren't supposed to be. You two ended up not caring enough to bring up the grievance to the front office and became fairly good friends. Your friendship consisted of intellectual conversations and caffeine filled all nighters due to the studies you two were in; for example tonight.

Spencer walked into the room with a curious look.

"Queen?" He asked concerning the music

"Yep! Top 100" y/n answered quickly, turning it down as her fidgeting continued to the beat. Spencer walked over to where y/n was located and peered over her shoulder to see what she was doing.

"So how was your day?" Y/n asked cassualy knowing he was already reading all her work.

"Uh... It was... Interesting... Is that a thesis paper on the effects of the Pentagon Papers and how the Nixon administration impacted the trust in government?"

"No but that is a part of my paper...." She dragged out as she wrote.

"Hm." Spencer hummed as he went to his side on the dorm setting his messenger bag on his bed.

He pulled out a large text book out of his bag along with a binder with note paper.

"So what home work do you have my young genius?"

Spencer blushed embarrassed

"I'm barely younger than you. You know that"

"Yeah but you are still working on what? Two... Doctorates and another masters?" Y/n replied rhetorically.

"Okay... True"

Y/n giggled with a smirk along with Spencer chuckling to himself. He took a seat at the desk near his dorm mate settling his stuff down.

"So whatcha working on?"

"I have to write a 'short' summary profiling a character from a scenario as busy work from one of my professors"

"You sound...mad?... about that..." Y/n stated interested in what he had to say.

"How does one summarize a vicious killer? Seriously. Then in engineering we have a 2 week project/ essay."

"Okay... Continue"

"That's due tomorrow... That I may have forgotten about..."

Y/n stopped her work and looked at Spencer with large eyes.

"Okay. Well look um..." She began then looked at a familiar coffee pot

"we've got coffee! Okay look if we start now, classes start at 7:30 tomorrow. If we work all night we have Ten- eleven hours!"

Spencer blinked curiously as he thought the options- which there we're few-

"um... Screw it! Yeah! I'm in college! It's time to live a little!".

Y/n stood up.

"Great! I'll make coffee, get started on your project boy genius!" She said ruffling his hair as he smiled.

Y/n turned on the coffee machine and rummaged through the cabinets for random 'ALERT YOU HAVE SHIT TO DO!' type snacks.

Spencer on the other hand began rummaging through a drawer full of engineering supplies. He pulled out graphing paper and began sketching designs for his class.

Once the coffee finished brewing y/n pulled out the pot and filled large mugs; bringing sugar, milk, and several different snacks, laying them on the desk.

The two transition into their positions; drinking and eating their respective snacks and drinks. Their gears in sudden motion. The two asking each other for the others opinion every so often.

After about 2 hours y/n's brain stopped working.

y/n suddenly stood up to recollect her thoughts. Spencer, surprised by her sudden actions turned to look at her.

"Are you okay?" He asked curiosly.

Y/n began walking in circles.

"Um.... Um. Quick! Ask me some random question that has to do with with U.S gov!"

Spencer gave a look of light shock as he began searching for questions in his brain.

"Uh... Who is your favorite underappreciated person in early American history?"

This time it was Spencer's turn to go off topic.

Y/n scoffed naming a historical figure "____... The framers... Oh my- your a genius!" She said rushing to him and kissing the top of his head before sitting down and writing once again.

Spencer blushed with a proud smile as he looked back down at his paper.

The two shifted from place to place, making coffee every so often.

The pair were scattered across the room as they worked. The caffeine buzzing in their systems.

And Reid with such an amazing mind began rushing through different topics.

"Wait. How old are you?" Spencer suddenly asked

"Seventeen."

"So you and I are the youngest in our hall?"

"Yep... Wait how long have you been in college"

"Well I graduated highschool when I was twelve and I'm 17 now. So exactly 4 years and 7months."

Y/n grinned at his intelligence.

"I-i never asked you how you graduated early" Spencer stated as he brushed hair behind his ear.

"I skipped a year in middle school and took AP classes for the college credit." Y/n stated as she bit her lip scanning her notes for a specific fact.

Spencer nodded as she spoke.

"That's cool... Did you like it?"

Y/n looked at him with a confused hum.

"D-did you like highschool?" He asked clarifying.

Y/n shook her head with a chuckled

"no not really. I had a few good friends but besides that everyone there was an imbecile" she giggled out.

Spencer grinned

"yeah haha no one at my school understood my science jokes" he smiled proudly.

The girl gestured him to tell one.

"What type of bear is soluable?"

Y/n raised her brow. The young genius waited for the silence to set in for the perfect punch line

"A POLAR bear" Spencer smiled triumphantly as y/n attempted to fight back her giggles.

"Hay dios haha"

The two laughed and traded off horrible chemistry puns, quickly railing off topic of what they were supposed to be doing. The two laughed and giggled joyful to appreciate each other's nerdiness.

Y/n tiredly set her head on the floor as she giggled at Spencer. She rested her eyes suddenly falling asleep.

Spencer chuckled at her tired face then began writing and adding little details to his work.

The silence set into the room allowing Spencer to write his thoughts sloppily but quickly.

"If the magnetude of...... Plus the wind turbulenc.... then the total width...." He mumbled as he wrote all the equations and results down.

The coffee from Spencer's mug quickly drained causing him to get up to get more. He carefully tiptoes around his room mate to the coffee pot. Once he arrived to the other side of the room y/ns head shot up.

"Whattimeisit?!" She muttered quickly.

Reid looked at his watch

"It's 2:33"

"Crap. Okay" y/n stood up and grabbed another cup of coffee making sure to stand up instead of risking falling asleep again.

"I can help you if you'd like I'm almost done with my project" Spencer offered.

"I'm okay dont worry about me love" she said flashing him a smile before working on her extensive conclusion.

The two stayed awake the rest of the night before turning in their assignments an hour prior to their deadline. Once it was over they could be found passed out asleep in their dorm that smelled of coffee and college.

#spencer reid #x reader #oneshot #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds #reid x reader #mgg #mathew gray gubler #coffee #college au #imagines

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theessaywritingtips · 6 years

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How to Write a 20-Page Research Paper in Under a Day

This is another post that I brought over from one of the alternate locales that I'm re-purposing. I'd get a kick out of the chance to state that this post was principally just intended to be amusing and isn't the way you ought to really compose any kind of thesis that requires ACTUAL research. Be that as it may, in principle, you could compose a "research" paper along these lines. I know this since I did this for a paper for a city-arranging course I took in school, yet I'm not glad about it… affirm, perhaps somewhat pleased. Truly, under multi-day.

So you've procrastinated once more. Two months prior, when your teacher relegated this to you, you revealed to yourself you wouldn't hold up till the end this way. Be that as it may, you procrastinated at any rate. Disgrace on you. It's expected in a couple of hours. What are you going to do?

In a sentence: compose a long red-hot rage and after that filter outsources. Better believe it, it's messy. Furthermore, you're offering 3 grams of your spirit. In any case, hello, you picked Netflix gorges over your paper this previous couple of months, so this is the place we are, multi-day before the due date.

Pick a Topic

The more questionable your subject is, the better. This by and large outcomes in a long history of court cases which functions admirably for this organization.

It must be something you feel unequivocally about, as in it influences you to need to open your window and holler and shake your clench hand about it at joggers cruising by. That solid.

It additionally must be something that you definitely know some stuff about.

It additionally needs some profundity to it. It can't resemble "We ought to have free pizza to the address each Friday". That is faltering. Except if you're extremely imaginative, at that point that could work if your educator has a comical inclination and you truly can compose 20 pages about something senseless like that. By and large, that will just work in an experimental writing class.

Make a rundown

… of each conceivable result that this issue could cause in

… the not so distant future

… the far future

… of each individual that this theme influences.

… of any examples where this theme has come in the news that you can recollect.

… what you would actually do about this point in the event that you had the possibility/control/enough-sugar/genies

… any little detail you can consider

The essential thing about this is to consider ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING, regardless of how senseless or implausible. It'll influence your educator to go "well, didn't consider that one". You can even get your companions to assist you with this one. More is always better.

Reorder everything

Put your most evident contention first.

At that point put unusual off-the-divider stuff, in any request, paying little respect to significance.

Put the most grounded contention for your case straightaway.

Presently list the episodes that will help contend for your point. Don't know about any occurrences in the news to help contend your point? That is alright. Make up a few, aside from keeping it outrageously non-exclusive. When it comes time to cite the source, recollect this: There are more than 7 billion individuals on the planet. There are endless daily papers and different sources that report individuals doing… stuff. On the off chance that you list episodes that are sufficiently nonexclusive and your theme isn't to a great degree irregular, no less than one individual out there has accomplished something prominent/inept/sufficiently insane to make it to the news. Likewise, individuals have sued each other over everything possible. Discover a court case database. Your theme has SOMEHOW shown itself in court eventually ever. I can nearly promise it. Simply ensure that the circumstances you concoct are physically conceivable.

Presently, list everything that could be translated to be the response to the inquiry "if chosen, what might you do about this issue?"

It's best to keep this as a blueprint.

Spaces

Presently include a few lines of room under every projectile. Continue including spaces until the point that your content report has achieved the objective size of your paper (e.g. 20 pages).

Presently print it out. On paper.

Make tracks in an opposite direction from your PC

I'm not kidding.

Go outside and sit under a tree. On the off chance that you detest outside, or if it's excessively cool for people, making it impossible to survive, or if there's a pack of out of control pooches meandering your neighbourhood, great. It'll enable you to compose quicker.

The motivation behind why you ought to do this is everybody mysteriously progresses toward becoming A.D.D. when they are close to a PC. You can check Facebook later.

Compose

Compose a blazing tirade in every one of the spaces you dispensed. Get pumped. Simply don't start each section with "I swear upon my dad's grave… " Also, make an effort not to rehash yourself excessively. Be quite certain. Converse with your peruser just as they've never known about your subject. Compose at about a similar size that your wrote adaptation will be. Try not to stress excessively on the off chance that you don't fill in every one of the spaces. In any case, in the event that you feel unequivocally enough about your point, at that point this truly shouldn't be an issue. In case you're similar to me and can't think directly you can skip around as much as you need.

Return Inside

Sort everything. You'll additionally see more things strike you as you write. Simply ahead and toss them in the comparing classifications. Try not to bounce around a lot now, however. Keep up centre and bash out that article as quick as could be allowed. Since now, that is this is an article, not an examination paper. In spite of the fact that you ought to do this as quickly as could reasonably be expected, be aggressor about revising errors. Those seemingly insignificant details truly make it obvious you did this at last if left unchecked.

Time for that entire "research" part

Trust it or not, nothing you said in your rage was unique. Keep in mind what I said before in regards to 7 billion individuals? That applies now. Pick every subject/case/situation/sub-point. Anything you needed to say in regards to those has just been said by some researcher or educator or daily paper. Google it up. It won't take long. Take a couple of watchwords from your primary contention of each segment and see what you get. Summarize their fundamental contention or statement a couple of lines. Include the best possible references. Try not to counterfeit.

Designing

Some word processors are equipped for non-whole number dispersing. Attempt 2.1 or 2.2 separating.

There's likewise the edge trap.

In the event that your word processor permits, modify the kerning so even the letters are divided further separated.

Did your teacher determine to utilize MLA references? She/he didn't? Great. APA reference rules are considerably more benevolent with site sources. Look at it.

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