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#and i dont know if it makes it better or worse to say i get it. id forget about me too
dayurno · 1 month
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what gets me re: kevin with jean is that kevin is seriously the worst. like we see in-text specifically that kevin used to lean into jean’s space to whisper to him and it seems it was common enough to him that he didn’t think much of it (he did it once for asking jean to teach him french then again to make jean promise not to off himself), he said horrible things like ‘it could be our secret’ and ‘i don’t want to lose you’, he wrote jean memories and notes in postcards, he bought jean silly little magnets, even up to the point of tsc canon he was cradling jean’s face and gently touching his hand. so flirty! no wonder jean was down so horribly. no wonder nora sakavic said kevin was always the problem child
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mukuberry · 15 days
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james somerton pretending to have killed himself for months is extremely disgusting and you can definitely hate him for it, but bragging about how you 'always knew he was lying' doesn't actually make it seem like you're good at spotting manipulation, it just makes you seem like a heartless dick. stop it
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boyywithluv · 26 days
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#having a creative rut feeling#gonna rant#im basically a giant baby and i don't handle angst very well#and i constantly worry that im just. idk mentally weak or a deeply uninteresting person bc of it.#every big fantasy artist i see is usually very into making sad or angsty pieces and like i wish i was like that#like i fall into this mental hole very very often that im just holding myself back with how many subjects i dont write or draw#but also like when i DO write dark subjects it doesn't make me feel any better??#i dont like feeling sad or angry bc once i am its extremely hard to get back out of it.#and thats scary for me.#but also i want to make art that means something instead of my nonestop slew of smut and feelgood content.#i genuinely feel so trapped by my own emotions and its sp frustrating.#i keep getting told how good for you it is to get the negative feelings out but it never helps when i do it#i just feel. worse? i dont feel good.#i kinda wanna delete the one cloud post bc it just doesn't feel good.#ugh#idk i want to have good intelligent things to say and thoughtful art to make#and everything i make feels soft and cheesey and lame.#not that i find those things lame#but just that it feels like im stuck in baby brain.#when i was a teen i would write horror stories!!! i still love horror!!!#but if i make someone suffer in fic now it feels me with this awful awful overwhelming sense of dread and guilt and i end up so upset#im frustrated at me bc this is such a fucking weird sensitivity to have. im tried of telling myself its okay#bc i WANT to feel mentally free enough to create shit that isnt just uwu soft.#i don't think im making sense but like.#you know#I've literally been bullied out of fandom spaces for only making soft content#multiple times.#so idk maybe this is a learned sense of shame#but i feel like a big over sensitive baby and like I'd be able to do so much more if i wasn't#vent ish
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sonknuxadow · 2 months
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okay sorry for having opinions on sonic shipping but . the more popular a ship is the more likely i am to be annoyed by it so its probably for the best that my favorite ship is one of the not as popular ones . but also the way sonknux gets talked about (or not talked about) as a result of it being less popular drives me up the wall . what do you mean it doesnt make sense. hes literally not staring at the moon and thinking about him💔
#theyre literally the sun and the moon and you dont even CARE ....#okay but ive actually seen random sonknux posts get a bunch of comments from so/nadow and kn/uxouge fans#along the lines of ''umm i prefer so/nadow :/'' or ''this doesnt make any sense so/nadow is better'' or ''nooo knuckles likes rouge''#like ohhhh my godddd shut UP#anyway theres so many things that sonic and knuckles have done that if it was sonic and amy or knuckles and rouge#or sonic and shadow doing it instead it would get labelled as peak romance#i know this to be true because it literally already happens sonic and knuckles do something gay and its cricket noises#then sonic and shadow do the same thing later. sometimes in the same show/comic/whatever . and it gets reposted everywhere . what#hell none of the other pairings i mentinoed even have to do what sonic and knuckles do they just have to stand near eachother#and people start freaking out ...#also im not saying youre legally obligated to like sonknux too if you like so/nadow or that you cant prefer so/nadow#but. if you think so/nadow makes perfect sense and have convinced yourself that its basically canon and every interaction between them#is a hint from sega that theyre secretly dating or something and you make the biggest reaches imaginable to prove it#while also thinking that sonknux doesnt make any sense at all and labelling it as a crackship or whatever#i can only assume that you arent paying attention to anything that happens in knuckles centric stuff#and/or being That obsessed with so/nadow has just heavily warped your perception of things. because how#and its not even just so/nadow .. knu/xouge is constantly overshadowing sonknux too#but at least so/nadow is actually okay its only crime is being too popular and having some annoying fans as a result#knu/xouge on the other hand is too popular and has a lot of annoying fans AND sucks . which is worse#but so/nadow is one i find myself comparing it to more often because its another gay pairing#and also people are obsessed with taking stuff from sonic and knuckles' relationship/interactions and giving it to sonic and shadow instead#and acting like knuckles doesnt exist and stuff that sonic and knuckles did first is exclusive to sonic and shadow or something#whatever . runs away
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everytime i take a tiny triangle out of the cake i made my brother comes in and cuts off a trapezium, making the cut a single clean line. it would be vaguely funny but like i made the thing and like could he not eat it all without leaving some for me
#rant#i guess#it really fucking annoys me how i have to cut off my share in everything that comes in this house ever#like always stay on alert for your food and stash away your share or its gonna be gone by morning#i dont even know why its making me frustrated enough to cry#its just. nice good food has always been a treat and motivator for me and my brother has a habit of always grabbing my share too#it sounds so silly out of context but like. ive had a lifetime of going through a bad tiring day with nothing to look forward to but#a nap and something i like to eat. and always opening the fridge to an empty container#or worse the box is there but then i get in bed with a book and open the damn thing to find half a spoonful inside.#it would be annoying once or twice but its just. all the fucking time.#i hate this survivalistic shit#its not long before i move out thank god but still#he always did it when i was young and my mom hardly ever said anything#like now if i want i can get myself some treats but when i was younger i didnt have much choice.#i havent had the time to bake in two years and prep plus baking the layer cake took two days. i put so much work in it.#and he ate half of it by the time i came back from fucking peeing. i cant even say anything because he gets fucking angry and aggressive#at the drop of a hat so im. crying in my room about it. look my feelings are not as drownable and consuming now. i generally dont#let things like that affect me too much. but i feel so young again and like the entire world is so unfair. i don't know#writing my feelings out on a tumblr blog is so much better than journalling they should recommend this shit in therapy
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lethalhoopla · 1 year
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Okay so while everyone's making killer theories and observations about the teasers we have for Dreadwolf on top of piecing together more and more of the lore and imagery from Inquisition and 2 and even Origins, I just needed to put this observation of my own down as well.
So, the final, incomplete, Solas mural in the rotunda, right?
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Clearly, the dragon slayed with the sword, and a.... beast, of some sort. I've seen it referred to as a wolf, a dragon in and of itself, and just some representation of the Inquisition itself.... maybe.
But that's always not quite fit for me. It seems odd that Solas, who is beyond skilled at painting and iconography/symbology, would make something so…. hard to parse. And granted- this was clearly roughed out in a rush, to put it lightly. He's left at this point, the mural forever unfinished.
But in Tevinter Nights, it's described specifically (as written by Lukas Kristjanson):
"The eighth and final panel of the fresco, meant to commemorate the battle against the blighted magister Corypheus, was unfinished. It showed only rough shapes, outlines...."
"... The story was well known- the Elder One, the false god Corypheus, had torn a hole in the sky to steal power from the heavens. He couldn't be killed until his blighted dragon was dead, and the Herald, the Inquisitor, had somehow countered with a dragon of their own. And there was a dragon on the panel, with an Inquisition blade in its neck. But according to the story, both creatures had fallen first, leaving the final victory to the Inquisitor.
But here, unfinished, was the outline of a beast that stood over both dragon and sword. This was not the battle, or the victory. This was after. And the beast was not a dragon. The outline alone might have allowed that assumption, but now, filling with black and red, it was something other. The creature was reptilian, but also canine. The snout was blunted and toothy, but edges came to a point in houndlike ears. [.....] revealing scales and tail, and paws with talons. It looked like two figures painted on either side of a pane of glass, then viewed together, their forms confused. A wolf that had absorbed a dragon, and now stood crooked over all."
Now, without getting too deep into spoilers for that short story (I really recommend it, and the rest of Tevinter Nights!), the depiction could be warped by what happens in the story (and is unfolding in that scene). But due to the reason it's warped, what 'colors' it, I think that the depiction is still accurate (it just becomes a bit more Spicy, let's say). I think that what Solas was starting was a creature like that - a wolf, that absorbed a dragon.
Of course, the question then is what that means.
As lore's revealed over the series, dragons aren't just associated with Archdemons, or even with the potential legends of qunari 'origins' (as dragonkin). Dragons are also specifically associated with the Evanuris - from the fact that only those as powerful as might-as-well-be-god mages could shapeshift into dragons, to their personal symbolism, to hints that different archdemons might be connected to each one (their numbers match, for one...)
Was it Solas leaving some hint as to who, what he was, then? The Dreadwolf, but also the Trickster God? Perhaps how despite simply attempting to free/help his people (he speaks of the loyal, steadfast wolf in the game more than once, wise and wonderful), he was elevated to the status of legend and god (dragonhood)? Was it symbolizing the blended might of the Inquisition, both protector Wolf and godlike Dragon? Some blend thereof, or extrapolation beyond?
Fuel for thought, for sure. But beyond that... the silhouette kept reminding me of something.
It took me a little too long to realize - it wasn't until I was idly staring at the Steam startup image for it while waiting for Origin to hurry up and connect that it hit me.
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It's.... it's right there on the box/start screen.
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It's... way, way closer to the creature Solas had begun to depict than what we've seen in dragon silhouettes in the past. And I get it- even as I write this, I hesitate, because I mean, the whole silhouette included has wings, right?
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(sidenote, but major props to whoever designed this piece, the details are so good, including the fade/fireball/comets shooting off the 'wings' to look like support bones for wing webbing)
That's why I hadn't really thought about it before. But when that hit me, I went back to look at dragon silhouettes in previous games, and I mean-
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That's the usual Origin one - and yeah, that's.... way more narrow a snout, though of course you're still getting that dragon spine spike along the neck. The neck itself is far more narrow, too, and its teeth more needlelike.
Okay, what about DA2?
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Alright, now we've got some framing that is like DAI. (also, more props for the designers, and the silhouettes of Kirkwall friends/foes, hot damn).
But that face - the dragon's face. I keep catching on it. DA has a really great track record of being pretty specific about its silhouettes, symbols, and general representations, at least where it matters.
The dragon-made-by-silhouette in the Inquisition cover art is significantly blunted in its snout, the neck much broader, shortened in horn (or ear), and even the angle of horn (ear??) is different from past dragon iconography.
I dunno. I definitely don't think it's unreasonable to leave it at artistic representation/liberty, it just ended up a bit rounded, whatever. But where I get less inclined to leave it at that is when coming back to this final incomplete mural panel.
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... It's all of it. The down-rounded snout, the way the teeth are depicted, the horn-ears, the spikes-that-could-be-fur, the obviously shorter and wider neck, the over-exaggerated sternum bone that strikes as dragon (/reptilian) before you think it could also be wolf rib cage-
It's.... close. Awfully, curiously close. At the very least, the Inquisition splash art feels like it could be the middle step between dragon and this. The splash is dragon, but wolflike - this is wolf, but dragonlike.
........... now, why the heck does this matter? Well, maybe it doesn't to most people, haha. But I'm an imagery and lore-reference obsessed nerd, and Dragon Age really does go hard with it's laid lore and hints of the future. So I can't help but ask-
Is the mural really depicting the Inquisition Defeating Corypheus?
... even the Tevinter Nights story, the way it's phrased casts some murkiness.
"The story was well known...." ".... This was not the battle, or the victory. This was after."
.... With dragons representing the Evanuris, perhaps.... is this instead a note, a hint, left depicting Solas' intent? To slay the dragon, the true dragons, what remains of the Evanuris after he tears down the Veil - because it would not only cause chaos, but also release them from the prison he'd made via the creation of the Veil?
Is the dragon-wolf not the Inquisition, but Solas, or rather - more importantly - Fen'Harel?
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The shape of the maw, the way the ears point back, the trailing scruff/magic along the neck 'spine'....
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Even the way the rips are traced, and the paw is drawn-
Hmmm.
Hmmmmmmmmm.
... I think it's depicting more than Corypheus' defeat.
But too, there's two other elements that keep rolling around in my mind with all this-
) "... On the mural, all Messere would say is, 'Skyhold is [their] fortress' (meaning of course the Inquisitor). 'These are [their] actions.' "
If these are their actions........ how does the potential for this image to be depicting the downfall of elven gods play into the picture (literally)...?
And thus, the second thought:
2. ) On that very same splash image for Inquisition, the silhouette of the dragon (with hints of wolf) is made via the energy of the Mark coming off the Inquisitor's hand. The dragon-ish creature is of the Inquisitor's making.
The creature is what the Inquisitor has made. Their actions. The mural, a depiction thereof; their choices, their efforts, their impact.
Their impact - a changed Solas... or, perhaps, one all the more committed to his cause. Fen'Harel, or a wolf-dragon hybrid, roaring at a slain dragon, sword of the Inquisition buried deep.
Trespasser, revealing just how much further Solas' network of spies and agents has expanded through the Inquisition. And whether through friendship/love or rivalry/antagonism, Solas coming away from it with his determination redoubled, his mission certain.
Whether it was intended to depict the effect of the Inquisitor on things they don't yet grasp, or their affect on him and his intent to bear out his mission........... I think this mural's about a lot, lot more than just the defeat of Corypheus.
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spider-man-2o99 · 1 year
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Just wanted to say that I have been thinking of you and pre-emptively empathizing with the nonsense you are no doubt being flooded with and the psychic damage it must be causing. Keep stanning the king ignore the weirdos <3
thankg u.,, i feel like ive been trapped in a fuckign . Torture Labyrinth these past coupl days . but. wwe will. We Will Yet Persist onwards w/ our hand on the left wall till we;re either out or at the center i swear 2 fucking GOD,
#talking tag#asks#th pain is forever the Horrors r unending the lack of media comprehension on all sides is Disappointin But Also My Goddamn Life I Guess lol#though i will say ppl in my inbox have actually been.. surprisingly polite overall? if not outright rather kind as a whole. um. post-atsv.#but. god. i have not Talked About so much of that movie because i kind of just.#..ok actually i realize this is gonna sound rude as hell lmao. but. hhaha i Kinda Just. was fool enough to Assume that everbody would yknow#like. Comprehend The Film yk yk yk. since it is a well-written movie that doesnt try to Hide any of what it;s abt? yk?#i come On Here onto tumblr dot bumblr and i make my stupid esoteric gddamn complaints abt 2099 Themes for Me Only so my head doesnt blow up#n silly ol me i really do like earnestly honestly in my Heart think. like. we all saw the same movie. right? mayb thingsll calm down.#but oh oh oh oh oh no no no No No. they do Not calm down they get So Much Worse.#and now hypothetical Internet Strangers might be Passing Judgement bcuz we look like an Apologist 4 assuming Everyone Knew Media Literacy#CHRIST. do people think i think mig was. like. In The Right. in atsv. no ive known he would be Wrong for years dudes.#why do yall think i was so low-key Disappointed he was placed in a role that couldve better suited. like. Superior Spider-Man.#public image. DING-DONGs. man he is Never Going To Be In Movies Again After This Hes An AU SPIDER-MAN FROM THE 90S. LORD!#i had SO MUCH FUN watching atsv!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i dont like the choices it made to put miguel in the situation that it did. Bizarre Thematic Changes to 2099 that Only I Care Abt. but like#that is SUCH a fuckin SMALL and insanely autistic nitpick like i earnestly loved the hell out of the film and its mig is--#--Earnestly One Of His Better/Best Adaptations despite bein within the limited confines of th plot nd setting he is In & w/o his inner mono#..i just. Hate So Much That This Movies Version Of Miguel Will Be The Only One That Anybody Knows For The Next Seven Years At Least. yknow.#i lov watching that fuckers trainwreck of a slowmotion mental breakdown for two hours but the movie gave practically Zero Context 2 newbies#BTSV please save me BTSV please save me BTSV PLEASE save me PLEASE please please please PLEASE BTSV youre my last hope....#(arthur clenching his fist meme) ppl r Already so shitty 2 ppl w/ Messy Symtptoms i could Handle losing MK but SM2099 means too much 2 me..
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july-19th-club · 9 months
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how to make a character who sucks so bad and nobody likes him but he is genuinely a good protagonist (good as in interesting, maybe on a rare day good as in decent but also, just like, an incredible jackass) . i need to make him worse i need to make him MEANER!
#i think the key to getting this kind of character right is that he can't try to be anybody's boss#that's not the fun and engaging kind of jackass that's just reminding the reader of all the bosses they've hated in their time#the engaging and likeable Guy Who Sucks So Bad is a loner who might CLAIM that he will take over the group or whatever and lead#but never actually has any intentions of doing so because part of the things he sucks re: is responsibility of any kind#he does however know that leaders dont like other people horning in on their territory so he will say things like#i'm gonna wreck your shit and then all your lackeys will follow ME! ouahahahahaha . despite having zero plans to follow up with that#the ideal engaging asshole protagonist is a rebel without a good cause: maybe he has a sad backstory; maybe he's just a dick#but if there's one thing about him you can count on it's that he is Opposed To Shit. doesnt matter what it is his primary entertainment#is picking a fight with it for no reason and then saying what the fuck ever i didn't care about it anyway (he didn't)#ideally this is all done in such a way that he is SEXY . but you'd never want to hang with him because he is deeply obnoxious#he is not bossy. he is not controlling. he is maybe even a bit of a wife guy except he hates everyone else and wants to make their day wors#because making someone else's day worse makes HIS day better . the ideal wife for him is the one from ordinary day with peanuts#by shirley jackson#and i have GOT to figure out a way to engineer this guy without copying examples of my favorite versions of him wholesale#i have the scaffolding. but because of my own confrontation-averse tendencies#im terribly concerned that i will never be able to actually make him the asshole he was born to be#q
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i want to compile a list of horror media that people need to watch before they call genloss groundbreaking incredible material. like yall are soooo so deeply entrenched in copium toting this thing around like its the best piece of horror media in the world when like. theres no horror. there has literally been no horror. how are we watching the same thing. go watch gemini home entertainment or marble hornets or daisy brown or unedited footage of a bear or this house has people in it and then come back to me. dont fucking talk to me until youve consumed some horror media thats actually good first!!!!!!!!
#sorry i KNOW i said i wouldnt genloss post too much but it just makes me so fucking angry#as a very very very long term horror enthusiast and aspiring horror creator#i feel fucking insulted every time i see genloss being listed as something incredible . when.#theres no horror or comedy in your horror comedy that was originally advertised for two goddamn years as an arg n then analog horror and th#like. pick a theme. give me literally anything. its so bad. im so angry. and i DONT get angry at media.#i actively try not to grt angry at media and legitimately havent since veryyyy early middle school.#so the fsct that this thing is making me so mad is a huge deal.#anyone who has known me for any number of years knows like. i dont get mad about shit!!!#especiallt shit that doesnt rlly matter like fictional media!!! i dont like to expend the energy on that!!!#so when i say genloss makes me so angry to the point where i was literally#sweaty and out of breath after aster and i got off the phone talking abt it the other day#i need you to understand i am not a hater#like#ughgrrghrggghghh#go fucking watch saw (2004) youll have a much better time than watching whatever bs this is#ranboo makes this big long post about how his project is better than aevery other horror short film#and doesnt deserve to be put on a shelf with the rest of them as if theyre beneath his genius vision#and then gives us this cheap heartless garbage that isnt even unique in its badness.#hes just using ideas from other things but doing it worse!!!!!! theres nothing new!!! theres nothing unique!!!#two years of promotional content and like 5 hours of livestreams and they have not given me a single#character or story beat that is interesting enouhj to care about. you cant have horror without first#giving your audience something to care about and then snatching that thing away from them. urhhggghghghgh#reaction time#genloss neg#genloss crit#sorry. im trying to keep the hater posting to a minimum but im so. exhausted
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rivilu · 4 months
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Hey hello can i be sad on main or will the heavens unleash 7 thousand ravenous hawks upon me
#river rambles#vent post#tw for basically everything bellow just saying it now#sorry the last 8 years of not a single reason to live are getting to me <3#i hate being alive i hate being trans I hate being autistic and not able to work like a normal person#to provide my transition to myself instead of having to rely on parents that kiind of support me? (dad) or are straight up pulling -#the 'you're making MEEE SUICIDAL!' card (mom)#i hate not being able to talk to people like a normal person#it's not even just the autism anymore i feel like i've been the worst version of me for such a long time i dont even know where to start#dysphoria is so fucking bad and getting worse every single day and any semblance of trans positivity winds up feeling toxic#like even body neutrality feels like an insult. im at a point where i want to tear myself apart just when i'm sitting still#i hate being told to wait for things to happen#the dreaded 'it'll get better'#it hasnt#it's been EIGHT. FUCKING. YEARS#nothing helps. i've exhausted every option within reach. no words of encouragement help at all#literally the only OPTION is to wait. and i've had! ENOUGH OF IT!#I've dreaded pride every year because it feels more and more like i'm living a lie being there. im not PROUD of being trans.#All i feel about it is misery. All the time. I hate my body so fucking much i cant do a single thing i want to do#most of my early years after figuring out im trans i tried to just ignore it and focus on pride about my sexuality#since i couln't transition then anyway#but as time went on and i became an adult and there's still not a single glimpse of light on the horizon. I can't focus on it anymore#because you know. those things are interconnected. So now i just feel like an unlovable piece of shit!#Like i will never be what i was meant to be. what i want to look like.#and i dont even want to try for any manner of relationship before that . because even if anyone DID like the current version of me#that's not even me#birth is a curse and existence is a prison etcetera
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just-rogi · 14 days
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im so fucking tired of going to the doctors. i cant keep up. every week its a new test or a new lab or a new specialist. i'm just exhausted. i have to go in for blood work AGAIN- this is the fourth time since april. its expensive, and time consuming, and honestly? im tired. im just tired. all the fucking time im tired of the lack of answers, and the phone calls in the middle of the day, and crying at work in front of my students, and opening my email to new lab results every other day. IM TIRED OF IT!!! im not even afraid of hospitals or needles i never have been, even as a kid, but i couldnt stop crying last time i got bloodwork. ive never been upset by bloodwork before what the fuck. last week i had an ultrasound of my liver and i got a call in the middle of the work day today that i need to get a BONE SCAN?? are you kidding me?? im scared. and im tired. and im angry. and i dont want to do any of this. i just want to cry and isolate myself and go to bed and not see anyone ever but i cant fucking do that because i have to go get injected with radioactive contrast material and wait four hours so they can see what is wrong with my bone enzymes.
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paging-possum · 1 month
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Who up listening to good luck babe by chappell roan and having it resonate not in the way intended but resonating nonetheless. About to go ham in the tags about the overlap of being a lesbian and being aromantic...if u even care....
#my art#gore#organs#its 2am so not a lot of this is going to be very coherent but this song makes me feel a lot of things about it all#like. its the Expectations#the expectation that im going to date men and the expectation that im going to date at all have always felt equally stifling#theres that feeling of not trying hard enough or not realizing it at first or trying to lean into what you're told you should feel#and having it not pay off time and time again and wishing you could just make it work#because everyone else around you has it just fine and you dont get why you're struggling with it so much#THERE ARE MORE SIMILARITIES BETWEEN THE TWO IS WHAT IM SAYING#like obviously figuring out aromanticism is especially weird because its a lack of something BUT THEYRE PRETTY SIMILAR#realizing I dont want to date anyone mirrors realizing I didn't like boys but like. idk man its worse sometimes?#I wouldn't trade it for the world it means a lot to me but its almost like people go out of their way not to understand it sometimes#at the end of the day I am the you in that song#it was a very very long road to being okay with never falling in love because that was something I wanted for a very very long time#at the end of the day I will never have to be someones wife and I think its better that way#but its also hard not to get jealous sometimes#like I know its irrational I know I get physically ill at just the thought of being asked out but like#sometimes ill see my friends with their girlfriends and ill feel like clawing my own chest out with want#but also if anyone asks me out I will have to dig myself into a pit and never come out. I think.#I want to be with women but I dont want to Be With Women if that makes sense#its another layer of difficulty that I dont think I'll ever be able to get past#I feel like at this point I should just be trying to conditioning myself out of any form of desire because its just not an option for me#which definitely isn't true and like chappell roan says. you'd have to stop the world just to stop the feeling.#but its also so tiring to have to sit here with the feeling and feel bad for having the feeling.#I dont know#I think if I felt a little more or a little less I’d be fine but I’m stuck in the middle#it feels very weird talking about this openly but also its very difficult to talk about with friends because most of them dont get it#anyways something something Josies monologue from bottoms#im going to bed
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clits-and-clips · 2 months
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x
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thecooler · 5 months
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I wish my brain wasn't so sucks
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arthur-r · 8 months
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falling asleep worked i did it for three hours. now what i’m still tired i just also wasted the day and looked stupid to my roommate….
#like im glad i slept but also. same problems as before#although my french teacher emailed me back said i should go to office hours. which is a proper response to my email#wikipedia guy texted me back with details like an hour after i texted but also like two or three hours ago#gonna settle the score by bringing a $20 bill tomorrow then i won’t feel so weird and guilty#but no i feel so fucking stupid and gross for like. i was crying so close to my roommate so i had to fall asleep#or else i’d be standing up with tears in my eyes next to my roommate which is worse#but i just. i dont know. like he thinks i’m just lazy. i’m always asleep i never tell him why#i dont know. good morning i hope everyone is doing well#there are two people i usually get dinner with and one is out of town and the other i think his parents are here and also things are weird#translation things aren’t weird i’m just weird and feel guilty for being such a weird person#anyway i just. college?? what am i doing here????#i talked to my mom this morning she says that she felt the same way during college and that she should have dropped out way earlier#which. not helpful?? what do i do after i drop out?? i am someone who can’t hold a normal part time job and my only HOPE is ending up being#i mean anything really just something that requires a lot of prior experience!!#and the college is paying me really good to go to school but only if i stay full time#so i cant just lower my course load because that will actually make everything worse instead of better#idk. going to french teachers office hours tomorrow and will figure out time for linguistics teacher too and will get my LIS grade back up#(that one is just simple that one is i missed two discussion posts but there are ten more to come and also tests and stuff. i’ll be ok)#idk. and i still want to go to my LIS teachers office hours and ask how he became professor of rare books print culture and information bias#that is a good set of things to be a scholar for. and he’s curating collections at the same time as being my teacher#so idk. professors don’t seem as stupid and uppity as they used to. and i think i want to do that someday#plus with the salary jump from librarian i can feasibly become a major donor to local libraries to keep that influence around shdhdf#(although. if i get paid by the school (!!) to get a phd in print culture who says i don’t become a fancy librarian with that??)#i dont know. this is so stupid because i get so excited about the prospects and then i go back to the present and i’m flunking out of school#my grades haven’t been this bad since the height of COVID i thought something about me had gotten better but apparently not#like literally who went and made me traumatized?? why did you have to do that?? now i can’t be a normal person?? shut up!!!!#idk. just feel like if i weren’t having panic attacks about the fact that people are safe and kind here (and therefore must be hiding their#true intentions and taking advantage of me) then maybe i would have remembered to take my french test#idk. i’m tired and want to go home. sorry for venting all day i hope everyone is doing okay#vent cw
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coloursofaparadox · 6 months
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hnnnnnnnnnnnmmnn its overshare on the internet o clock
#my shitty ex has sent me a text asking to meet up and talk#and in a predictable move the text itself doesnt actually apologize or acknowledge that she did anything fucked up#it instead says 'we both did some pretty messed up stuff' which. uh. yeah. cool. thanks.#thats like prefacing an apology with 'first of all i still blame you but i guess i couuuldve had something to do with it'#and like. sheesh. my first instinct is to politely say absolutely not jesus christ how do you have the gall to ask me that#i could go my entire life without interacting with you ever again and i would be nothing but better off for it#but. i have not sent that yet. and it has been a while. because i really miss the friend group she....not stole exactly but#because i do not want to be in the same space as her i just. dont get to be around them much any more.#and fuck. i miss my dog so so much. i love lucas too but sarah was the first dog i raised from a baby#and she was just one of those animals that are just. like you love them all but some are different in a way where they're a part of you.#and sarah was mine and she took her from me and ive just barely gotten over it#i dont know if being able to see her again would make it worse or better.#but instinct is telling me to tell her that no theres no chance of us being friends. i need to protect myself and value my own wellbeing.#and that its not that i hate her because i dont but i do intensely dislike the ugly person i realized shes become#and i refuse to continue to let myself be hurt by that without speaking up.#but i still!!! havent!!! said no!!!!!#if i could manage it. and get through a talk with her. and be very clear that im here to attempty just...neutrality and a lack of hostility#and that friendship is not on the table. prep myself on my boundaries and rules for what i will not put up with#and accept that if she does something shitty in response to me keeping myself safe then i have to be prepared to call it off immediately#then. i would see my friends again a lot more often than just one on one every couple months because every group thing involves her#fuck. i dont know. i really really dont want to talk to her ever again but god fucking dammit.#im prepared to move on and rebuild my life and invest in other relationships. i am. ive done it before and slowly built from the ground up.#i can do it again. but it fucking sucks when its most of my irl friends all at once.#idk. idk. i miss my dog so much it hurts but it would be much worse to see her now after how my ex treats her when im not there to stop it#its just something i cant let myself think about or ill just spiral and i cant do that. theres nothing i can do about it. i cant stop it.#fuck.
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