#and it won't let me write anything else

[butterflysonnets]

yes i'm rooting for m*leven breakup because byler is neat but mostly? i'm rooting for m*leven breakup for the sake of el and mike.

to me, their romance was always a puppy love born out of a combination of social pressures, naïve curiosity, and a lack of true understanding regarding intimacy and romantic love and what it really is. it was real in that they do truly, deeply care about each other and they are close friends, maybe even shared an attraction, but a maturing romance is so much more than that. they've grown up and out of being boyfriend/girlfriend, and that's okay! i think television/film needs to show more often that most of us don't have definite "soulmates" or first childhood loves that we spend our whole lives with. it doesn't mean these relationships meant nothing and didn't impact us, it just means they've run their course and that something else is in the cards, and this is part of life!

i've always felt el was at her best and most confident self when broken up with mike, discovering who she was and what she liked alongside another girl her age instead of just relying on mike for mentorship on how to live in the real world. she deserves more of an opportunity to find herself, her autonomy, and her independence, and to love who she is, and she's made it clear she's felt insecure in the relationship with mike because she isn't being loved and understood the way she wants, needs, and deserves from someone who is her partner.

also, it's okay if mike doesn't love her in "the way he should". he is not obligated to love her romantically and stay in a relationship with her just because she's a girl, because she "needed someone", or because he cares about her a lot. he shouldn't be pressured into a romance if it's not truly coming from his heart. he deserves freedom to find out and honour who he is, too, instead of just staying in his non-functional first relationship — one he got into as a child, essentially — and defining himself that way because it's what's expected when a boy and a girl are close. he loves her in some way, yes, but it's okay if he doesn't feel comfortable or secure being her boyfriend anymore, for whatever reason that is. he's felt insecure too, and that's valid and it matters.

they are their own people and are steadily growing and changing every day. they need time to figure out who those people are, and it's become clear (at least in my opinion) that those people aren't meant to be a couple at this stage.

they deserve freedom. they deserve to grow up and be authentic to themselves and not feel like they need to lie for the sake of a relationship. they deserve to move on from this version of their relationship that isn't making them happy and rekindle the best part of their bond: their strong, beautiful friendship. they don't have to be a couple if it doesn't make them stronger and better and happier people.

i think it would be healthy and wonderful for a show, especially one consumed frequently by young adults, to show a relationship starting, progressing, and ending on good terms in this way. sometimes things don't work out, and that is okay.

#eve text #elmike #stranger things #byler #only tagging byler because i feel like yall will like this take lol #tagging tagging tagging WHAT ARE EVERYONE ELSE'S THOUGHTS #god i can't believe i'm making a post about stranger things. this feels like poking a bear #i'm not particularly anti m*leven but like... they'd have to do something pretty special at this point for me to feel like it's viable #i'm seeing the bts of s5 and it's got me Having Thoughts #elmike friendship is something i am so passionate about #even before i ever liked byler (didn't ship at all until s4 even though i knew it was a thing before) i've felt this way about elmike #i always believed they were close friends at heart and needed to break up #the romance part of them felt very distinctly young and very much “he was a boy she was a girl” to me #and it hasn't deepened into anything more mature and i don't see how it could based on the current state of the writing... #the fact that lumax exists — a young relationship that is actively maturing and is healthy — makes that clear to me #and the “love confession” in s4 and how disingenuous and miserable it felt was just the nail in the coffin #also the fact that will (who is IN LOVE with mike) was instrumental in making it happen? ... uh... okay... interesting choice… #fucked up and reductive if they make it another queer unrequited love sacrifice for the sake of pushing the heterosexual agenda YUCK #so i really hope the speculation about a m*leven breakup is real!! i think it just makes sense for their characters but who knows #i don't believe in the notion of love at first sight or one true love and i think the writers don't too??? #love to me is an accumulation of experiences and we inevitably choose it at some point rather than fall into it... but idk #tv is so fixated on keeping couples together... sometimes it's just not reality guys especially with young people... LET IT GO... #like i said though i'm not 100% sold that they're going to give up their “golden couple” LMAO #stranger things hasn't historically subverted too many tropes if i'm being honest #anyway i seriously need this season to come out quickly... i'm so bored and getting my master's is crushing my soul #i need frivolity #ALSO btw i won't respond to hateful messages about this so please don't bother. it's not that serious. this is a netflix show

[allatariel]

Sergei absently exchanged the blue marker for another colored marker from the tray, began shading in the sine wave. Orange. In lines like strands of hair. Margo’s hair. The memory of it soft through his fingers, of the scent of her hair, her skin, clean and warm, the sweet, strong smell of the brandy on her lips.

He moved to the negative half cycle, the white of the board again alternating through a fall of orange hair. He wondered when her hair had turned white. Did it happen slowly over the last eight years? Had the long, cold, lonely winters she wasn’t used to, hadn’t, couldn’t have prepared for, slowly leached the color from her hair, from her life? She was not meant for a cage, no matter how gilded.

Automatically, he filled in the last positive half cycle, the orange strands thinning and fading as his mind continued to wander and his pressure against the board slackened. Or had her hair turned white all at once in a shock? Was it upon learning of the bombing? Worry for her colleagues? Aleida? Did she blame herself? Was it something that happened after? Something they’d done to her? He froze. Lefortovo…

“Uh, Mr. Bezukhov?”

Slowly, he blinked, the whiteboard and the classroom refocusing around him.

“Mr. Bezukhov?”

Sergei turned, taking in the students behind their desks, their faces, some smirking, most disinterested, a few studious. Right. He had a class to teach. A life she’d paid for with her own. He owed it to her to live it. This thought had sustained him through the years, kept him moving forward, moving on. It didn’t matter that she was alive. It shouldn’t. It couldn’t. 

“So, as you can see, the current is not always constant.”

#sergei nikulov #margo madison #margo x sergei #sergei x margo #for all mankind #fam #i made this #my writing #not really a wip—don't think i have anything else to add to this in particular but i do have other ideas for them #i just had this idea of him thinking about her and her hair in that moment in 4x08 legacy #i have so many other things i should be working on—i want to be working on—but these two won't let me go #also yay i wrote a little thing—it's been a while

[dropthedemiurge]

Got prompted by @pinkkop but also partially this might end up as the controversial Thai BL post because the range of characters I'd defend with the passion is very wide for me:D

8 BL BOYS I WILL THROW HANDS FOR

Uea (Bed Friend)

This show isn't jokingly called 'A Tale of 1000 Traumas' for no reason, I mean – there is only so much one young adult can go through, and Uea has been through... well, almost everything. Tagging hurt/comfort fics on AO3 will result into red triggers all around. What fascinates me in this character is his resilience, too. He managed to go through everything with the sheer will power and knowing his own worth, what he deserves and what he does not. I am so glad the show made an active choice to send him to therapy and give him a considerate and loving boyfriend! He really needs both.

Sky (Love in the Air)

Again, no surprise that everyone would want to protect Sky. The acting was also chef's kiss in this show, I know I shouldn't be but I absolutely enjoyed seeing Sky getting triggered and sent to the red-lit room in his mind because this was pure cinematography, but irl I would just hug Sky with consent and never let him go. And kick Gun until he never rises up again too. I think Rain should've been given full freedom to avenge for his best friend. But this is also why I'm writing all these skyrain fics – because they are safe space for each other and I want to keep seeing it.

Rain (Love in the Air)

Ehem, like I said– the show has not declared it loudly but he's one of the most ADHD characters in Thai BLs if I ever saw one. He does not deserve to be mocked for his struggles and airheadness. I wish we saw more of him playing into his strengths beside taming a dom, instead of being infantilized by the show sometimes. Don't ask me to dive into full analysis though, I only could watch the PayuRain half of the show once so I'm going off vibes I remember, but I absolutely adore Rain and love reading fics that focus on his ADHD headcanon and how others understand and help him. And also those platonic BDSM tendencies he has with his best friend Sky.

Kawi (Be My Favorite)

For this guy, I would not fight the show or narration because they treated both characters and viewers with care, gentleness, wise teaching and love (Max is a harsh brat but that's his personality). I would actually fight the fandom: from people who hate-watched this show and refused to acknowledge it was amazingly done further than 'i might've liked it but ew screw this actor and novel the show was inspired by amiright don't judge me for liking it jk lol' to some individuals who missed the beautifully developed and portrayed close bond (aspec on at that, I'll stay firm) that spread across >10 years and different timelines and reduced Kawi to immature whiny weirdo who's scared to fuck Pisaeng ten times a day instead of one, idk. This show is a gem with many life-lessons and Kawi has one of the strongest and fascinating character development in Thai BLs that I've seen. Hands are being thrown.

Boston (Only Friends)

The creators of the show said the series didn't have any intentional message, but considering how many long discussions and poured out frustrations we had with some people, Only Friends definitely did Boston wrong. So what if he's a proud slut, should the show punish him for it while praising 'righteous' characters high on their horses? I don't think so. My guy was constantly filmed illegally and threatened by his hookups and friends, he's very hesitant about falling in love but he tried his best with clearly spoken offers, poly views and limits. I also see Boston kinda neurodivergent and/or demiromantic based on many lines he said about himself and his own view of people and relationships in the series. Nick might not be fully compatible with him, and I would throw hands for both of them, but if those two would communicate better, there would be no need for the OOC "twist" at the end. Their story could be beautiful, sad and realistic, instead Boston being kicked down in the street dirt by everyone after opening up about his heart and fears made me angry.

Akk (The Eclipse)

These descriptions just keep getting longer and longer? Oops... I don't think I need to explain the desire to protect Akk – this guy has not stopped crying since a mischievous and passionate newbie managed to break through his 100m thick wall of composure, pokerface and sheer will to survive. And also through all the manipulation Akk faced from the people he looked up to. Akk and everything that he went through managed to rip my heart out, and I'm not kidding. If you're repressed, oppressed and/or struggling with money, desire to make your parents proud and can't help but feel 'disapproved' feelings for someone – meet Akk, he's very relatable. I'd protect him and you too.

Thua (The Eclipse)

*clears throat* I did say this post would get controversial. I can and I will consider 90% of the people who hate Thua as lacking media literacy :D But without getting into useless fandom discussions, Thua is a poor teenager that needs love and support to be able to find himself and his own voice. He's stressed out by a harsh step-father, constantly facing homophobia and mocking in school, has suicidal intentions and the only good friend who opposed homophobic students and teachers, who showed him safe space and helped reach out to his mother, encouraged him to speak out loudly... went behind everyone's back, started dating the main "bully" of the school who threatened every queer for months and decided to support him while silencing students' and Thua's voices. At least that's what Thua experienced from his POV. Would you throw hands? Thua did, and while I may not agree with how he handled the situation, I can't hate him. He finally stood up for himself and his own, tried to change the system, and I'd fight Suppalo school for him too.

Black (Not Me)

There's someone who doesn't need my protection at all! A second before turning into bloody merciless activist-fighter who doesn't shy away from murdering capitalists and cops, I would still want Black not to think he's better off alone. While antagonistic sexually-tense exchange of comas with his ex-best friend can count as one of the most delicious type of romance that happened in subtext not text, he still deserved to seek solace in his ex-girlfriend and (ex? they were so close, why Gram does not care about him at all when he returns? we'll never know) other activist friend's company. Also, fighting with his life to change something in how the country works and hearing 'nah, your twin is better, he knows how to fight with social media so we achieved more with him than with you' from his mentor and Black deciding that he should again ditch everyone he cares about...noo:( I need spin-off about him where he gets everything he really deserves.

#I think I could've picked up 2 more but I can't think of anyone else right now #writing these 8 has already filled me with fire xD #thai series #thai bl #gmmtv #let's say pat and pran are the 2 left and i won't need to explain anything #dropthemeta

[musical-chick-13]

Okay, no, sorry, I’m still mad about this. “Be critical of the media you consume and examine why you react to it in the way that you do, support marginalized and stigmatized identities.” Yeah, until it’s about mental illness.

A woman (or even man, if he’s deemed over-emotional) makes music about suffering from mental illness and people just go, “What are they complaining about, that’s so immature, hashtag wangst.” (And then, sometimes, inexplicably, if the mentally ill woman gets better and writes happier music, they then talk about how artistically bankrupt she is now and that she should go back to hating herself.) People LOVE cis white pRoBLeMaTiC (straight) fictional men until they are realistically mentally ill, in which case they’re “whiny” and “insufferable” and deserve to die violently, apparently (or, if fandom is merciful, they’re ignored). (And then they celebrate when they DO inevitably get killed off.) “Do your duty and watch [thing I, mc13, personally find insufferable] For The (white) Gays because it has Gays.” Sure, will you watch c4 Pure, the ONLY show specifically about OCD, then? (No, the answer is no, it’s always no.)

I can’t get anyone to watch Doom Patrol. I couldn’t get people (in general-I did convince a few irl friends thank GOD) to watch Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. One of the most popular and acclaimed shows right now has a character with schizophrenia who was turned into the Big Bad Villain for no fucking reason. One of the most commonly-cited examples of Iconic™ queer media involves a mentally ill man being broken over and over and over again before The Ship™ can reasonably happen. DW introduced a major character who was at one point suffering from mental illness in her past, AND THEN ALL MENTION OF THIS WAS COMPLETELY DROPPED IN THE FUTURE, WITH NO BEARING ON ANYTHING TO THE POINT WHERE I FORGOT IT EVEN EXISTED??!?!? R*tched was a thing that existed despite the Sad Sympathetic Backstory treatment being IN DIRECT CONTRADICTION OF WHAT PURPOSE THIS CHARACTER SERVED IN One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. THEY GAVE. A SAD WOOBIE VILLAIN TREATMENT. TO THE /LITERAL PERSONIFICATION/ OF ABLEISM. THAT IS HER FUNCTION. TO EXIST AS A SYMBOL OF ALL THE WAYS SOCIETY OPPRESSES THE DISABLED AND MENTALLY ILL.

I am!!! Literally!!!!! The only one!!!!!!!!! Complaining about these things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE ONLY ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No one else has said ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No one is talking about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m so tired!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#*OBLIGATORY COMMENT ABOUT HOW REPRESENTATION/FICTIONAL DISABILITY IS NOT THE END ALL BE ALL OF ACTIVISM* #*OTHER OBLIGATORY COMMENT ABOUT HOW LIKING '''pRoBLeMaTiC''' CONTENT DOES NOT MAKE YOU A BAD PERSON OR A HORRIFYING ABLEIST* #THIS WAS JUST ME GETTING MAD IT'S NOT THAT DEEP #In the Vents #the real horror was the ableism we found along the way #like. in some of these cases yes I /KNOW/ it was not meant to come across like that!!! but y'all accept that as a valid type of media #criticism when it's about anything else!!!!!!!! just not this apparently????!?!!!! #I do not understand how there is such an ABYSMAL treatment of the subject of mental illness in fiction when this is the #memetic Mental Illness Website like genuinely I do not get it I am scaling my walls and banging pots and pans and growling like a rabid dog #IF YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT THE MESSAGE A STORY IS TELLING YOU GOTTA APPLY IT HERE TOO #I AM ALSO THE LAST PERSON TO SAY THAT YOU'VE GOTTA ADD A DISCLAIMER OF SOMETHING'S LAUNDRY LIST OF FLAWS BEFORE YOU TALK ABOUT IT #BUT JESUS FUCKING CHRIST YOU HAVE TO ACKNOWLEDGE ON SOME LEVEL EVEN IF IT'S JUST TO YOURSELF THAT THINGS HAVE FLAWS #YOU'VE GOTTA BE AWARE OF SHIT #WHEN WILL WE HAVE THE OUTCRY OVER BURY YOUR DISABLED THAT WE DO OVER BYG (WHICH IS ALSO BAD BTW) #I GUARANTEE YOU WE WON'T BE GETTING A SEPARATE FUCKING CON OVER FANDOM OUTCRY THAT'S FOR SURE #I'm making a rule: if you can prove to me that you've started cxgf after reading this and/or if you can prove to me #that you've watched pure (channel 4/hbo max-the one with charly clive) I'll write a fic for you #let's see if I get sniped for criticizing both the beloved sacred mads show AND the plane crash girls show #if I see ONE more comment about how either of those is a perfect show that Gets What All The People Want I will in fact spontaneously #combust. #(and before you @ me yes I have any and all permutations of show tags blocked I'm not just being mean to be mean) #my god remember what happened the last time I tried to talk about this a;lsdfkajs;ldfkj #good thing I turned off anonymous asks!! #this is not even getting into some of the SMALLER fandoms #like I do not ever want to think about the takes I saw for ctrlz EVER again

[iindigoeyed]

Sorry to complain on main but

i had (have) 3 fucking longfics planned and one of them is actively being written and it's so nauseating because i didn't think to write an outline from the beginning and just wrote the first few chapters the same way i write my shorter stuff (aka: Whatever The Hell Happens, Happens with very little planning) and now i'm suffering and wayy in over my head and honestly considering dropping the whole thing because other people have taken the same concept and done it better for a different ship and it's a genre i'm not typically versed in writing and every time i think of ways to fix it i just make it worse and more convoluted and now i'm just discouraged from working on it and feel like i've wasted 4 months of my fucking life. I swear i'm never doing this again but the other two projects are ones i'm very excited for and yet, i hate hate hate having to plan so much and figure out the minute details like i just want to give up. i open my google docs (all 7 of them) and look at the gargantuan amount that i have to complete before i can even remotely POST chapter 1 and it makes me want to puke. I dont know how you people do this

#'just write something else' Well I don't wanna write something else. I wanna finish this one. i'm just mad about it #just needed to bitch to people who will get it and not my fucking. Mom. #(because lets be honest. she won't care) #I can start things perfectly fine but finishing them is like pulling fucking teeth #but i'm too stubborn to drop it. and now i'm just Looking at it. not doing anything about it #If i can't finish the thing i'm doing for pleasure how am i supposed to finish College Essays man #indiposts #and yes. this too is about these things. my personal hell #Can someone take me behind the shed #I'll pay you #I am having a week.

[divorcingjimmatthews]

i know there's a from discord but would anyone be interested in a small selfshipping/imagines/fandom focused from discord? just curious bc ive had nice experiences making tiny servers for other fandoms before

#i have a small fe3h rp server where they should put me in the box for only ever showing up to chat and not to write #but what can i do if i got infected with jade herrera brainworms that won't let me think of anything else?

[goldentigerfestival]

if there is one thing i will never recover from with crestoria's crossover being gone for good, it's that we'll never ever know the story behind transgressor yuri.

if there are two things i will never recover from with crestoria's crossover being gone for good, it's that leon and aegis' loyal friendship will never ever return.

#GTF Things #Tales of Crestoria #it is rare for leon to be on that kind of respect level with someone let alone risk his own reputation as a traitor to let someone escape #by which i mean in destiny he only ever rly did that for stahn bc stahn was the ONLY person screaming over leon's suffering #and BEGGING him to talk to him and not take on everything alone #so i'd be hard pressed to say he truly made that last second decision for any other reason #other than stahn getting through to him bc if stahn hadn't said anything nobody else was all that worried abt doing so #for him to do that for aegis even in a setting where he wasn't going to be in mortal peril #still risked him becoming a transgressor if anyone had had time to record that #i.e. local dude helps local sinned traitor escape and is by association also a sinner #and that may have affected the ease of his search in restoring stahn to human form #which stahn prob would not have minded but it would still increase the difficulty for leon's search all the same #with yuri forget it im going to be permanently S T R E S S E D that we will never know that story #and i don't think they'd play into the possessed-not-really-yuri thing again after doing it in asteria #and in rays it was only a cameo thing. i fully believe that was actual yuri bc it would fit into his canon-mixed-with-crestoria #so unless the devs for some reason decide to tell us what their plans were for yuri we will never know #and it's been too long now since cresty went down like do i have to write this shit myself #they robbed me of transgressor yuri meeting vicious too woe is me cresty team #im still so desperate for them to turn crestoria back on like pls it's not just my crops anymore it's me too im also dead #i know they won't turn it back on and heck all the data for it is probably long since byebye BUT #even if i enjoy the manga it's not the same without the crossover #i would kill for them to give us that game back it was my fave gacha ever ;; #i say that with the full bias of the fact that i obliterated everything with default leon and completely maxed him in every aspect #but also just the fact that i want cresty's crossover back s o f u c k i n g b a d

[remyfire]

In old roleplaying circles, I used to have people get really angry at me because they found a lot of catharsis in taking their characters those agonizing angst without necessarily giving them an end point of healing whereas my characters would always try to prompt that moment of healing—would be an end point they could come to whenever they were ready, would love them through the pain instead of drive it higher—and I don't think I've really changed at all in that regard, and I hope that ends up being all right.

#this is a complicated way to say that i'm having my chai and meditating on some of the more popular headcanons i saw #when i first got here and part of it was just the circle of blogs i saw initially when i created mine #because they all had a similar sense of characterization for the blorbos and were reluctant to let anything else in #and i totally get that btw because i LOVE seeing varied interpretations and i will happily play in every sandbox #but i'm thinking specifically about the fanon about beej HAVING to leave his home after everything because he tries to fit back in the box #and he can't #and the agony and misery therein like having built an entire life on a literal lie and choosing to jettison it for his own good #and how i have inadvertently built a home life for him that he will return to incredibly changed but will be welcomed into nonetheless #i think about how loose and utterly queer he becomes in korea down to his gestures his clothes his grooming choices #and how yes he DOES remove all of those when he gets home #(my gnc hawk doing much the same i should say) #but replacing the agony of having to leave what no longer serves you with the joy of someone saying 'then let's change together' #and the knowledge that it won't be easy and you need SO much therapy #but that the old and the new can come together in a very intentional and loving and wonderful way #so the mustache comes back and the colors and the loose limbs and the lighter speaking cadence and he feels so fucking good again #and he's loved so thoroughly by all three of the most important aspects of his life for CHOOSING to be authentic #(just like hawk) #and i know a lot of this is me needing to write it because i almost lost my marriage because my wife was so scared of how she changed #that she was projecting onto me all of these thoughts of how she was SURE i'd react and she tried to cut and run early #and how when i wrapped her up in all that love and desire to come along on this new journey and see what happens #that she was overcome and truly didn't believe it was real #but also i do get sad at the tendency to be like 'everyone changed and they can never go back' #when i want to be like 'yes but they can always go forward and they don't have to lose everything they loved to do it' #and i just hope people wanna come on that journey with me #my ramblings

[damiemontclair]

Yall ever stare at a blank page and feel like you're at the edge of a precipice? I know the way to write these prompts. I'm just not sure if I'm ready for the jump straight into my personal issues that writing this would require of me.

#I can see exactly how to write this prompt. I know which characters and how to make them work together. #The only issue is... I don't do f/f. I can't. My brain no likey. #Even if it'd only be implied at most #But my brain also won't let me come up with something else. #Its fixated on this idea but also won't let me actually make something with it because its squicking me out #This is very frustrating #I'm tempted to drop the idea into disc and let someone else pick it up bc at this rate I won't be able to do anything with it #And I won't be able to come up with something else until I let this idea go... #damie talks

[chicago-geniza]

higher concerta dose got me like Avril Lavigne Guy from over the weekend. everything is six degrees of stefania. like:

friend: so where are you from

this guy: guess how tall avril lavigne is

vs.

sister: i hope you're doing well

me: the wife of abraham 'sacrificed' to the nazis in zahorska's 'ofiara' is given the same name as the unassimilated grandmother in 'korzenie' who represents jewish tradition

#stefania tag #writing a doctoral dissertation about stefania zahorska because my brain won't let me do anything else

[vixlenxe]

You two aren't helping. Lmao.

#(she got me by the neck & won't let me write anything else with her JNJNCW) #ooc [chaos speaks] #akumanoken #prettyboywarrior

[daz4i]

looking at x reader fics for a specific character bc i am at this point of my life, and through all the ooc yandere het smut, suddenly shines a bright light in the form of "you are a pizza delivery person and you deliver pizza to (character) and watch him torment his friends" this is what reader inserts should be guys.

#also let me rant for a bit. making him a yandere is ooc. I'm gonna bite someone #why would someone who values the freedom of humanity over anything else cage the person he loves? 🤨 #he won't kill your loved ones if anything he would kill YOU to free himself from his love to you. obviously. #no one knows him like i do fr -_- (/j I've only been here like a week. AND YET!!!!!) #ok i let it all out i feel slightly less fucked up in the head now. some day i will write an essay about him too <3

[hua-fei-hua]

i love to spend an hour composing a message in chinese to the people in genshin impact who see the name 小白雪花 on the north america server and believe me to also be living in mainland china, explaining that although i am but a lowly american-born taiwanese and therefore almost functionally illiterate, i know enough to respond to a request for help and also be able to kill things in two hits

#it is now an hour past my bedtime but it'll be fiiiine #something i do notice when sitting down to compose chinese messages is that. there DOES SEEM to be some sort of improvement going on #like the brain will start pulling up phrases i didn't previously know how to use n i'll look em up to make sure they're right #i think it's a side effect of both playing gnshn cn dubbed and also the retranslation work i do on the game sometimes #when studying its lore/for nat when she is studying its lore #it never feels like anything sticks no matter how often i see the words tho. i'll be like 'oh i recognize that word.' #but i won't know how to say it or what it means so that's embarrassing #花話 #anyway. at least if any of them ask why i chose the name 小白雪花 it's an easy explanation. '因為我最喜歡化學' lol #很喜歡花花;最喜歡化學;就感覺'雪花'就是很可愛的名字 #i also suspect that my frequent avoidance of 'i' when speaking will make me sound extremely formal and/or polite #or maybe it will make me sound old. i don't know. i suspect that i speak in a way that's at least influenced by my mother #like i was composing the thing right. and i was like 'i already used this word. we need to find a synonym or else we'll die' #'we need it to be a fancy synonym. mom used a fancy synonym one time two years ago. let's find that one.' #funny enough this is also my thought process when writing fic in english half the time #idk if i mentioned this before. but my writing process and style feels very chinese to me #it is also important to me that i specify to these people that i am a ~taiwanese~ #i have no idea how this makes them feel. but it is my way of signalling 'i do not read simplified well n hope you can read traditional' #and also for cultural heritage pride reasons too

[blackmesa-vr]

🥊🏆

#I hate making textposts because it feels like a big statement. A commitment of sorts. And that's not what I'm going for. #I don't expect anything I write to be read and they are not made with that purpose. #I write to let it out. Get it out of me. Make sure it's somewhere so at least I know I won't carry with me until my death. #So‚ with that said‚ I've been thinking a lot lately. #About fighting. About the curse of being the underdog by design. About how that only ever meant I was set up for failure. #In my games. In my ring. It was designed so despite it all‚ I could find a way to win. #Because it otherwise wouldn't be *fair* to the player. Despite the lack of rules. Despite the disparity in power and abilities. #It was still at least slightly *fair*. I always had a way to get close. Had an opening I could exploit. #We were still‚ despite everything‚ playing the same sport. #Smash is not like that. Nothing else is like that. #Only ever in the ring. Only ever in that small part of my life could I manage to be *more*. #It makes me think it was never me that did all that. I never had the capacity to win. I was never given the tools to survive. #I onlh just managed to get lucky with my environment. #There's something about trying your very best‚ working yourself to the bone‚ using every tool you have and all the strength you can muster. #And still be the weakest. I never stood a chance. There's no way the man designed to always be too small and too disadvantaged #could've ever truly pulled through. #Sigh! #At least I'll always be World Champiom. If only for a short while. #🥊🏆 #I wonder if anyone else in the roster thinks about it. I wonder if it matters as much to them as it does to me. #Then again‚ most of their lives are not defined by fighting. So. I think my perspecfove may just be skewed. #Do they even know how much I resent them for the tools they were given... For the fact they were allowed to play an easier game than me... #rambling #Joker Persona 5. Hit me up. I have opinions about you you couldn't even begin to imagine.

[yumenosakiacademy]

I h8 when my dad keeps suggesting I see a psychiatrist or w/e as if tht isn't a worthless profession n waste of money in this day n age of the internet. If I wanted a dumb bitch telling me self-help tips tht u can easily find on the 1st page of fucking google then I would jus go on my computer n type tht in the search bar. back in the day yhey didnt hav tht shit so u had 2 Go 2 Some1, but this is the future. literally all they're good 4 is prescribing pills n i refuse 2 take tht fucking bullshit i h8 swallowing them.

#durr hurr go get help like. as if i'm going 2 let our money go 2 waste like tht. I hav a fucking internet connection. #anything a dumbass therapist says is smth u can find w a quick search. like 'write ur thoughts in a journal!' 'think abt urself as if it's #some1 else so u won't feel inclined 2 put so much pressure on it' (or however the fuck u word tht) like yea yea shut up #I kno precisely why I h8 myself n I kno what plagues me. nothing i do works n the only thing thtll help me is death fuck off #delete later

[lyriablackfrost]

Maybe I do need help...

#lyriasramblings #nah... i'm still having fun with them #the only problem is that i miss ryuji #but these two won't let me write anything else