#and they get mad at me for feeling hopeless

[kaesaaurelia]

My mom's spent a bunch of time arguing with me about how I should be a lawyer and I keep telling her I fucking hate arguing and conflict and the fact that I'm arguing at all is being used against me. :\

Also she keeps insisting I could do it because I'm sooo smart. There's thousands of lawyers out there who are dumber than me, that isn't the issue, the issue is do I have the temperament and how much more can my mental health take.

#kaesa op #venty post #i know there's kinds of law where you don't have to do confrontation but a lot of it is incredibly boring #I'd be banking on being fascinated by one of those limited areas of law #and I'd be spending a LOT of time and money and energy on it #and i barely have the energy to keep applying for jobs and occasionally feeding myself #like it is genuinely a fucking struggle #the past few years have been some of the roughest on my mental health and it feels like people are like “why don't you just try harder! #you're doing so great! #you had six interviews in twelve months and the economy is amazing!“ #and they get mad at me for feeling hopeless #meanwhile im asked to explain my resume gap #by people who want to pay me $20k less a year than what the Think Positive people claim i should be making #and they're like hmm it looks like you were unwilling to kill your grandmother to keep doing your shitty minimum wage job #people just don't want to work #id love to work but if you don't believe me id also love to take a vegetable peeler to your dick actually

[suffercerebral]

me having gone to bed at 6 am every day for the past week and generally spiraling mentally while rotting in bed waking up this morning: a 4 mile hike in the heat is a really good idea right now, and while we're at it let's start like 3 art projects

#maybe my mom was onto something all these years telling me i'm bipolar #no i don't think i am but i do technically have a bpd diagnosis so like. mood swings up the fucking wazoo are not new #but i am not one to be like 'exercise will fix me' #i've also just come to terms recently with the fact that i didn't kill myself already so might as well start thinking of the long term #so not being in constant pain when im older is something im actually thinking of now #so like. gotta move more which i was doing during this semester! walking like 3 miles a day which didn't help brain but #it's gotta be good for you anyway even if i don't get the endorphins everyone says you get when working out #that's neverrrr been me bc also chronic illness w exercise intolerance #so it's like. wah i have a desire to move my body more and know it's beneficial #but chronic illness + mental illness + trying not to think about exercise in terms of weight loss bc i'm trying not to make that the goal #although certainly wouldn't be mad if that was the result but if i prioritize it over just overall health it's gonna make me obsessive #i'm saying a lot of words. i have no one to really talk to so i once again come to tumblr as a public diary #ANYWAY. trying to find balance with wanting to exercise for overall well-being but dealing with other factors like chronic illness #which has actually been under the most control it's been in years i barely even consider myself (physicslly) disabled these days #and also balancing the fact that while my disordered eating has never recovered and i still have extremely bad relationship with myself #im in a relatively better place with that. i'm not starving myself and im not going through binge/purge cycles #but my relationship with food and eating is still very much unhealthy #and i don't think that will ever really change bc it's so ingrained in the everything about me #i don't really know what i'm talking ahout anymore or what prompted this #i can't simply just say 'i'm gonna go for a hike today' and be normal about. always gotta psycho analyze myself #im in a very weird stage in my life where i feel like i have control over nothing and i barely even exist in my own body #im just like a cacophony of voices trapped inside a meat suit but im not in the drivers seat im stuffed in the trunk and tied up #and the guy driving is an old blind mind who should have lost his license his ass is NOT road safe! #so it's like i have all these ideas and desires and feelings and ahh!! but hey i'm locked up here let me out please #and also the state of the world. so bleak and hopeless and paralyzing that i've just kind of shut my feelings off so i'm rapidly switching #between numbness and overwhelming agony #what the fuck am i talking about

[the-cookie-of-doom]

People when the horror tragedy is horrifying and tragic: >: O !

#cookie speaks #ignore me lol #I haven’t seen the new DFF episode yet #but this is definitely the impression I’m getting from my dash #remember guys #critique media for what it DID do not what it DIDNT #don’t get mad at a show for feeling hopeless when it wasn’t trying to be hopeful to begin with #you’re setting yourself up for disappointment

[craycraybluejay]

welp i wrote a shitty email thats almost definitely gonna be talked about to the actual group 😬 but tbf im super fed up and i should be able to ask where to jump ship to without anyone getting their panties in a twist

#i know you're in correspondence with them but please pleeeease dont tell them yet that im #planning to jump ship #cause it'll cause more problems and potential drama #and best case scenario they ignore it and send me a robotic email #worst case scenario they get mad at me or try to convince me to stay in the group so they can stroke their egos in my general direction #for more time #ok no best case scenario they don't email me at all and i get like 1 or 2 private byes from members #and i find a different place before that happens #maybe i'm trying too hard and should just let it go. do i really need this? #it might be the same stuff all over again or even worse #maybe it's better not to take up extra time and energy with something like this and instead focus on paid work and stuff #but idk. it felt kind of nice to socialize a little albeit the group shit was scary #maybe i should start a band then i'd have my own group and itd be small enough #i just. don't want to make a mistake and lose an opportunity you know? #it feels hopeless to even try to carve out a little social utopia for me #stupid even #im not looking for love. just respect and some excitement in life #why is that too much to ask

[larry-ben-kenobi]

I just cannot escape the yearning to die

Its almost been a decade and if I think about it it still brings my mental space into the molten core of the earth

I'm just so tired of being depressed im not depressed like I used to be, though, it just gets duller because I'm so damn used to it unless i let myself think about how much I don't want to be alive

Bleh. Ive said it for years and still true, if I could find 18 year old me id tell him to do the attempt better, rather than anything about how life is worth it. It's been eight years and honestly it only got worse. Was supposed to have done it when I was 14 probably, and never bothered anyone.

Hate being such a stereotypical zoomer freak about my own existence though.

#delete later #obviously #i dont know im jus #just tired of being tired of being alive #i dont even have horrible spiraling episodes anymore #i just dont have anything #almost miss crying and loathing what little i had and being so mad that the only feeling i had was despair and the strange hopelessness of #iunno loneliness in a communal sense too even #friends who kept me alive for years who we stopped really being in touch after covid #theyre all humans. doing good. and im glad #but im. actually worse than when they had to talk me down every three weekss #like im arguably worse #i was once very mad at one of them for getting me to promise to live until that next easter #after he spent a damn few hours trying to keep me going and vibing #so much effort from much better people just to have me waste years more oxygen

[non-un-topo]

God if I had the energy and brainpower I’d be drawing Quynh + Nicky being chaotic and dumb together

#i see those reblogs in my notes lol. i miss them too #long story short: family emergency happened yesterday and i'm waiting to hear from my parents + sister #who have been driving for 8 hours now. which is not making me freak out less #and the very air around me just sort of.... changes from bursts of energy to dull hopeless nothingness #using all my spare energy to get my assignments done. frankly I'M mad at myself for doing it. i can't let myself rest or feel anything #kind of feel like the universe has just been giving me blow after blow. didn't get the job/award. didn't get a scholarship. pain has gotten #-- to the worst it's ever been. pile-up of assignments i can't even begin... and now this. #at least my library book is good #anyway yeah i'm fucking peachy. much love #maybe i should work on some of my stupid fanfiction. put this feeling somewhere

[lorephobic]

this comment has me tearing up like i literally cant imagine going through that i would've gone postal

#if i had watched all of mindcrack in real time and then had to sit through two years of nothing i would have lost it #etho would make an offhand comment about bdubs in his singleplayer world and i'd start crying #like ive seen some nasty cc breakups where theres obviously hurt feelings and bad blood and thats why two creators dont interact anymore #but that shits got nothing on watching two people who very obviously care about each other and enjoy making content together just. stop. #because it doesn't work anymore. man. #nothing in this world more heartbreaking than two ppl who love each other realizing they just don't fit into each others lives #bro if i was watching that shit in 2015 or w/e i would feel So Hopeless #like if these two can do everything right by and for each other and still just drift apart then #how can anyone have hope for meaningful relationships ykwim #but!! seeing it in retrospect is so. idk like it's such a good lesson in patience. #wait this is already getting so rambly but whats the fucking. whats the wilfred owen quote. #'you have fixed my life -- however short. you did not light me: i was always a mad comet; #but you have fixed me. i spun round you a satellite for a month #but i shall swing out soon #a dark star in the orbit where you will blaze.' #thats. thats the ethubs break to me. #ethubs is stored in the gay love letter wilfred owen sent to siegfried sassoon in 1917 #where the fuck was i going with this

[raeofgayshine]

*stares into void* How am I supposed to sleep knowing that doctors don’t take me seriously? That the pain I’m in, all over my body by the way, that was bad enough earlier I couldn’t turn my head very far because I was in pain and it felt stiff (and now I just have the pain left so I can at least turn it but will continue not to do so much). Pain that makes it hard for me to stand for very long because it kills my back and also my hip, who has a fuck ton of issues on my own, of course all the way to my feet, and there’s a reason I have frequent nightmares of my legs just giving out and no longer working, because the longer I stand the more that feels like it’ll be the case, and also that seems to be a lower bar lately which fucking great you know. The pain also, that goes from my neck like I said but into my shoulders and down my arms, sometimes. Sometimes also just my fucking wrists hurt, my hands will get so stiff I feel like I can’t do anything, can’t even close them around something to pick it up, and isn’t that my shittiest situation because I like to be doing stuff.

But instead of taking me seriously doctors have insisted it’s all my anxiety (except my wrists, which is clearly carpal tunnel despite multiple tests proving I have no fucking signs of that). Which is basically the modern day version of getting diagnosed with hysteria.

And so how can I sleep both knowing I will only continue to get worse and deal with more symptoms (pain and otherwise) until I reach a point I can’t actually fucking function anymore because no one will take me seriously, and also how can I sleep when I’m in fucking pain no matter how I lay and there is no medicine I have that will fucking help it?

#ravenpuff rambles #okay this is actually more of a rant but you know #sorry I’m pissed and can’t sleep because *see above* #despite the fact I am absolutely exhausted #which by the way my fatigue gets way worse the more pain I’m in but you know #I’m so tired. so tired. #fucking god bless though the one small part of my brain that is insistent there’s a chance things will get better #Im feeling very cynical and angry and hopeless #but damn if there ain’t a part of me I trained to be sunshine and happiness and a reminder of the good parts of life #it is annoying because I can’t even feel upset about something for too long before that part kicks in and logics out a future good #but I worked hard to have that part of me for a reason and it’s fueled by a very lovely bunch of people so unfortunately #I can’t get mad at it. because then I would be getting mad at my friends who made me see the good parts of life #and I could never be mad at y’all for that

[bunnihearted]

im so anxious and worried for the future, bc i cant even imagine myself having a job. like having important responsibilities and having to show up and perform well, just being in the role of a grown up with a job. i honestly still feel like 14, i dont feel like i'll ever be mature or smart enough to hold a job. like me, with a job where i have responsibilities and know how to do things and actually do them? that sounds like a joke. i just feel so lost and like i'm not capable of anything and it freaks me out bc what am i supposed to do???

#it makes me so fkn stressed and scared bc like #i have to have a job theres no other way #but just trying to figure out what job i can realistically do gives me a headache #working in a grocery store i could do but my unresolved knee pain makes it not possible #also i hate capitalism and the meat industry and working in a place where im reminded of that would drive me insane #or preschool teacher bc when we had our work experience thing in school i actually liked being at a pre school #but then im like damn i'd get so tired and exhausted and all the loud noises would give me headaches. + my knees... #also thinking abt being a paralegal but maths... economics... and this rlly feels like smth im too stupid to do lmao #and librarian... but i need advanced maths for that and i dont know if i can do that... #idk like obvi this isnt smth unique im struggling with lol but maybe my avpd makes all of this sm hardet #HARDER** fck typos makes me so mad #idk what the fuck to do i feel #so hopeless lmao it's all too much im overwhelmed

[angelgrian]

god i feel so fundamentally alone

#.txt #exam week ‼️ time for my disorganised attachment to hit me like a truck #realising ive never felt loved and my parents dont extend care or compassion or anything ‼️‼️ #crying for an hour in the car yesterday and all i got this morning was my mum demanding i apologise 😁 #for getting mad that she left her autistic kid alone in public having a meltdown and demanding he sort himself out 😁😁😁 #im so fucking mad! im so hopeless. i feel awful and scared and guilty and uf #ugly... #why now. i want to die #im so close. half a year. not even that. #but i want to die im so tempted to give up. it doesnt feel worth it #how the shit do you live when your primary caregiver just doesnt love you and never has #how do you love yourself when youve never shown its possible to love you #im so fucking. im really bad #im sorry it was sudden onset #ive been really tired and drained and whatever. and this weekend has plunged me into suicidality i really wont lie #i need to die Now. i need to die tomorrow. i wont make it

[sensitivegoblin]

Vent

#🙃 #my dad tried to make me feel better and it worked for a little bit #but then more bad stuff happened and he’s miserable and thinking outloud again #also he told me if he gets dementia there’s nothing to do so I need to stop stressing about it #so…that didn’t exactly make me calm #I’m not mad at him today #I’m just overall very depressed and hopeless

[yansurnummu]

roommates gave me covid and now I'm gonna miss pride and I'm not ok :')

#yans stuff #im so angry and upset and feel so hopeless #my sanity was hinging on it ngl i need to see other queer ppl existing and being happy #this isnt fair ive done evrything i could the whole pandemic and now i have to suffer bc someone has to go to big parties #it makes me so angry bc this is the second time theyve had it. in like a 6mo period #i got lucky last time and didnt get sick #im just so mad at young ableds like i get it. but learn something will you #and im mad bc idk what i expected. i shouldve known better #tbd im just. screaming and crying #i dont wanna worry anyone but im spiralling i was already in a pretty dark place and this is just what i needed

[mudstoneabyss]

hell circle of I don't have communication skills I don't know how to communicate. I need to learn those skills. I need to learn them by communicating. I don't know how to

#also not just this its also with um. literally every skill required to be a functional human being .🖤. #its not knowing + im uncomfortable with doing so because what if someone gets mad at me or misinterprets what im saying #joyousposting #i need to do a redo of fucking. k-12 to relearn every essential skill #before i can actually do. anything in life. but thats not an option so i'm just expected to be able to go out and do things #that or get kicked out because thatll sure motivate me #cant get slowly reintroduced into society like a feral cat & thats the thing i need #so i think otherwise i am beyond help & need to be put down #i was going to say happy seasonal depression season everyone i feel trapped and hopeless but thats every season baby

[septimus-heap]

Hate hate hate hearing about people who were able to transition successfully. Literally anyone

#I feel so bad abt it but I literally can't stand it #I get so jealous and then I get rlly mad #sep talks #like im happy for ppl whove been able to transition but I hate that it's them not me. U know #I hate americans especially. Do u know how easy it is to transition there??? U can just do it #no 6 year hrt waiting lists no 3 years between appointments #u can just. Transition #feeling hopeless abt being trans again <333 #idk what I'm going to do because I need to be able to transition but I literally can't so fuck me I guess

[tortademaracuya]

Everyday feels exactly the same and it makes me wonder if there's even a reason to do anything

#i keep applying to jobs looking for comms and places to sell stuff #when im not doing that im either working or practising smth or studying #yet it all feels for nothing #everyday is the same. everyday i feel nothing but hopelessness #i feel like everyone is moving forward except me. who no matters what i try can never get unstuck #at least doing sports made me feel smth but today it just made me feel worse #im starting to not really care what happens to me. but yet i cant stop keeping busy #i cant even waste my time on 'fun' stuff like this hopelessness makes me think i should do #because i dont even get any joy from doing anything #usually being near friends cheers me up but today it only made me wanna cry #i shouldnt even have gone closer to my friends. i knew my mood wouldnt improve. and yet i only made them worry from my selfishness #i dont want to go to class. i dont want to keep aplying to studios. i dont want to draw or play or do anything #i have no energy to talk or do much. and not being able to make myself look hapoy enough makes me mad #i know im clinically depressed and i know myfriends know. yet being bad enough people can notice and ask if im feeling okay #makes me feel so ashamed. i have nothing to be sad about. and yet #life is so monotone. i dont want to feel like this all my life. i dont want such an unbalanced mind #i wish i could disappear and make everyone forget about me #i wish i could wander everywhere and anywhere forever #haunted.txt

[fingertipsmp3]

Why do I never trust myself. I've lived in this body for 27 years, I literally know when it's getting sick, but I was like nooo, it's just because I'm sleep deprived and on my period and autumn sometimes does weird things to my body. Stupid. Stuuuuuupid

#i'm sitting here right now in web dev class... well we're on a break atm actually #it makes no difference though because i'm comprehending absolutely nothing whatsoever #i keep having to turn my camera off because i don't want people to see me continuously coughing and blowing my nose #i feel so lousyyyyy how did this happen. it happened so fast. this morning i just had a scratchy sore throat #i sat down in a class In Which I Need To Have My Camera On and my nose was immediately like 'quick let's do an impression of niagara falls' #i'm not comprehending any part of class. i don't know if it's the lack of sleep or my sickness getting to me #but it honest to god feels like we're zooming. we JUST learned what a function is and my mans is like 'write one and invoke it' #i'm sorry WHAT. invoke the function? like summoning a demon??? sir. #and when i tell you i copied his code EXACTLY but my shit still wouldn't show up in the console log... i'm sick of this #it doesn't help that i have this absolutely hopeless crush on one of my classmates so i was desperately writing down everything i find #annoying about him to try to give myself the ick. i fear it's too late though. i mean if his weird squeaky voice and the fact that he's #balding hasn't put me off; i don't think his weird room will either #it's not even weird. it just is suspiciously clean and devoid of personality. and his bedframe is weird. anyway #(there's nothing wrong with balding it just super doesn't look good on him. plus i like a good head of hair. i like something to hang onto) #MOVING ON. i've just sent a message cancelling physio tomorrow because i can't go and infect this woman who is the only reason i'm mobile #i've NEVER texted her before though because i booked the first appointment online and the rest in person and i usually just. show up #this is gonna be the first appointment i've missed since we began in june. please clap #i just hope to fucking god i have the right number lmao like i got it from her email but. help #i think i'm liable for a 50% cancellation fee because it's less than 24 hours... fucking kill me now #i'm so mad at myself for not cancelling this morning. i KNEW i was sick i was just in denial #this is because i ate a piece of sausage roll that had been in my niece's weird little hand isn't it. #she's a toddler with permanent postnasal drip and i have a terrible immune system because i don't leave the house. such is life #look it was eat the roll or allow her to leave it on the ground in a really nice shop I WASN'T DOING THAT #personal