#anyway. they're not enough on their own without their family but they've lost the world apart from each other and they make do

[cherryjuicegf]

They won't sleep tonight.

They couldn't even if they wanted. Not after everything, standing before nothing, their sides digged up and empty and lost and all that remains close being each other, crumbled and less than half of themselves, trying to form something less than a whole.

But Jaskier insisted, faint as it sounded, because she was stumbling on her feet and her shoulders were dragged by the earth and her eyes hadn't gone a second without flooding throughout the day. So much that he knew he had to save some of his tears to give her, in case hers ever dried up. Not letting her hurt bereft of tears, at least he could give her that.

The bed is fit for two whole people. Broken, hidden from her, a smile.

They won't sleep tonight.

They will say it's only for a few moments of rest, if rest could ever be so agonizing. They will say it's no use to roam the continent now, in the dark of the night, holding themselves from collapsing onto each other only for the sake of the names constantly hanging from their lips, now by so weak a string they almost let them drop. They will say it's only for rest.

And this is what it is.

This, and also the way he takes off his coat and his vest and suddenly his shoulders appear so shrunk under the worn-out shirt that she rests her hands on them without thinking, because they look like hurting. She caresses more than rubs them, and hopes it's enough. It's love, she won't say. It should be enough.

This, and also his hands coming up to unlace her shirt and help her peel it off her body, and then her skirt, and then, she stands still in her undergarment, and waits for him to also strip to his shirt. And then they face each other, hands on their sides, tired and empty, and they stare.

He affords a smile, faint. She smiles back. It's all they can afford.

This, as they slip under the thin blanket and they haven't done it for quite a while, but it feels so familiar now, like slipping back into their older broken molds, only they don't fit quite right anymore. This is a different kind of broken.

How gentle, then, how kind, to crumble again together.

His arms are open, forever open and waiting, and she thinks none of it as she crawls inside and wraps her body around his, clings tight and brusing. He happily welcomes the bruising. It's proof she's still here.

Her nose nuzzles into his shoulder and he buries his face in her hair, and breathes in the ashes and the exhaustion and the pain and the lilac and everything that makes her. Deep breaths, nonstopping. So that he memorizes the scent.

He only pulls back just a little, just to take a look at her eyes. Swollen and cut and bloodshot, and he suspects his are not much different as they're mirrored. But there's comfort, too. There, pooling between the crinkles along with the tears, carved between her eyebrows.

At least, at least.

He knows he's not much. At least, just enough. Enough to find the faint wave of hope between the flood of her eyes. Enough to mold a little dimple on her cheek where his thumb strokes, and make her eyes flutter close.

Less than whole. But holding her, just enough.

They will not sleep tonight.

Only, in a moment of despair, similar to so many other moments, she will kiss his lips. And he, he will kiss her too. Softly, barely there, for reassurance. He will kiss her lips, and then he will kiss the side of her neck. And then her shoulder, bare and slumped, and she will cling tighter on him because she has to cling somewhere, even just for a little bit. Just for tonight.

Only, in a moment of love, similar to so many other moments, she will bare her lungs in sighs and he will find shelter there, inside her as though to replace the lost warmth, or try to.

Alright, everything will be alright. I love you, everything will be alright.

Just for tonight, just for their lips to whisper each other's names too, the ones they so discreetly cover up in daylight. As though they could ever hide.

They will not sleep.

Not tonight, not for many other nights afterwards.

Instead, he will place one last kiss on her lips, and then rest into the crook of her neck, as she rests into his chest, and the gaping holes by their sides may prevent it from being whole, but for now, it's just enough.

It could never be more than that, anyway.

And if the lullaby he mutters and the soft vibration of his chest makes her eyes droop after a while, she will never admit it. If her lips tremble on his skin moments before her lashes do, to slowly fade his voice in a dreamless sleep, later, he will speak none of it.

Later, they will say they did not sleep that night.

It's love, they won't say. It's just enough.

#they fucked sobbing after the hug anya and joey told me themselves #anyway. they're not enough on their own without their family but they've lost the world apart from each other and they make do #just for one night before they enter chaos again #because they love each other so so so so so much and just enough do you understand do you understand #head in hands help me hELP HELP #the witcher #yennskier #yennefer of vengerberg #jaskier #chrysa writes #fic recs #s3 spoilers #no actual dialogue i had a nice flow with this but if you listen closely you can hear me screaming in the background #(if you saw me deleting this accidentally no u didn't)

[ckret2]

An example of what the Death Valley compound is like: a conversation from like 20ish chapters ahead between a couple of cultists:

####

"I've got a potential recruit. Lots of potential. Could be a real leader someday—she's a natural fit for our new world. She's got a few strings, but I'm working on helping her untie them."

Strings was the term Mary had come up with and spread to the other Death Valley girls for petty mortal concerns that could tangle and tie you up, dragging you away from true spiritual growth and preparation for a better, liberated world. Your childhood religious beliefs were a string. The misguided ideas about morality you learned from the secular world were a string. Your job was a string. Your spouse was a string. Your family was a lot of strings. The intervention where your friends sat you down and told you they were worried about how much you'd changed lately and they were afraid you'd joined some kind of cult was a string.

"How old is she?"

"Thirteen."

"Oh, wow—younger than I expected. That's great, kids are more open-minded. Though if she decides to join, it'll be hard to get her away from her family without a kidnapping charge..."

"Ugh, you don't need to remind me. I remember how we almost lost Karen and Jennifer. The legal system in this country is a mess." They had needed to call upon Bill to torture that divorce court judge with nightmares for weeks before he caved and awarded sole custody of Jennifer to her mother so they could move to the Death Valley compound together. "But I got her phone number and email."

"Good work. It's a pity we don't have enough gals up here to really put the pressure on her, she sounds like an easy recruit."

"We can bring her in the slow way."

####

Like... they are talking about brainwashing, about socially isolating a target from their other support groups, about exploiting a kid's naivety and vulnerability... spun in a way that sounds like it's okay, the way they're doing it, for the purposes they're doing it for. A child isn't "vulnerable," they're "open-minded"! Gotta get 'em while they're young.

One of the speakers is part of the cult's leadership, but the other is just a rank-and-file cultist. Every one of the cultists had something like this done to them, and every one of them has been trained to recruit more cultists the same way. And they do it because they've been trained to think it's for the target's good. After all, they all went through it, and they're better for it. Right? Aren't they?

So do you think they know they're a cult? They know damn well what they're doing. They just think it's right.

Cults aren't divided into "the leaders who are in on the joke and know it's all a scam" and "the hapless followers who are ignorant to the reality of their situation." The followers are in leadership positions too, which means they KNOW how they recruit and control followers, and they go with it anyway. In some cults even the supreme leader believes their own hype.

#about my writing #bill goldilocks cipher

[straightfacedstrangeness]

Tell me your deep Chaozu/Ten headcanon lore. They're off screen so much now, what do you think they've been up to?

Same with Oolong if you're feeling up to it

I’m ALWAYS up for Oolong

Tien & Chiaotzu:

Basically every time they’re offscreen during the original series, Tien and Chiaotzu are on a My Name Is Earl-style quest to right all their wrongs, catching all the assassins the Crane School turned out (except the Crane Master, who’s smart enough to stay out of their way, plus they have mixed feelings towards him as a father figure and never tried too hard to find him) and doing community service for towns they ripped off with their anime filler protection racket. This involves a lot of farming, which gives them the idea to start a farm around the time of Buu/Super. They do this after they get married, to give themselves a place to privately settle down. Tien is really fixated on righting their karmic balance though, which is why he founds the dojo he has in Super. He insisted on including math in the curriculum this time XD And pretends he’s just “supervising” when he and Chiaotzu sit on the lessons with the teacher he hired.

Launch bonus:

Apparently it’s Toriyama Interview Canon that Launch was chasing after Tien during the whole series without ever really catching up to him. This put her on a classic American adventure Tv show path of drifting from town to town and getting caught up in helping people with their problems. After spending so much time with Goku & Krillin, Blonde Launch became less of a bank robber and more of a vigilante (though hilarity still ensues when she gets recognized in a place she crimed), so she gets into a lot of fights For Justice. Launch also gained stability in her transformations so that her memories carry over between forms and only her demeanor changes, and she can induce herself to sneeze when she decides she needs to either be more diplomatic or more ruthless. Eventually (again per Toriyama canon) she catches up with Tien and Chiaotzu at their farm and moves in with them. She flirts outrageously with Tien and is puzzled that he gets flustered but never reciprocates or explicitly rejects her, until she walks in on Tien & Chiaotzu having a romantic moment. She just smiles and says “Well, why didn’t you SAY so?” having lost most of her interest anyway over the course of all those years (she’d actually given up the search and found the farm by accident, but at that point was like “I mean…I HAVE been looking for him…”), and they all part as friends.

Oolong:

Oolong graduated high school between Dragon Ball and Z, but he doesn’t really have specific interests outside of ~girls~, plus constant fear of the world ending makes it hard to motivate yourself to plan for the future, so he basically just bummed around Capsule Corp house for most of the series relying on Bulma’s parents (he calls them “Doc” and “Ma”) for pocket money. They never expect anything from him except occasionally showing up to family dinners, but every so often Bulma will catch him and make him do odd jobs around the company to earn his keep. Once Vegeta starts living there full-time between the Cell and Buu Sagas, Oolong is too scared to stay there anymore (justifiably, Vegeta tried to cook and eat him once) and tries to ask Doc & Ma to buy him his own place, but Ma just frowns and fusses over him saying she’d be so lonely without her “special li’l guy,” and the deal goes nowhere. He tries looking for jobs, but not very hard (the pinup magazines and strip clubs turn him down), and is halfway towards crashing Yamcha and Puar’s bachelor pad when Roshi swoops in and invites him over to live on whatever Roshi’s been living on all this time (selling old treasures or doing odd jobs on the mainland like he had Krillin & Goku do in Dragon Ball). It’s an unhealthy relationship that brings out the worst habits in both of them and sometimes Krillin (including Oolong not having any incentive to try again for a real job), but they’re kept in check by their fear of 18 once she starts hanging around. Oolong at least makes a good babysitter for Marron when Krillin and 18 are out (she LOVES his shapeshifting tricks) and dutifully guards her innocence against the sin minefield that is Kame house.

#question prompt #dragon ball #headcanon #chiaotzu #tien shinhan #oolong #launch #kawaiibunny3

[warystares]

FULL NAME angel amadis cardona NICKNAME(S) angelbaby GENDER / PRONOUNS genderfluid / any pronouns AGE/ BIRTHDAY thirty-one / october 23rd OCCUPATION dancer + dealer AFFILIATION / ROLE jade tribe / soldier ORIENTATION / STATUS pansexual / single STRENGTHS charismatic + amorous + resourceful WEAKNESSES narcissistic + incendiary + entitled

HISTORY.

tw vaguely implied homophobia + drug use !

let there be no mistake ― angel cardona is a STAR ; fiery, compelling, easily the FIERCEST force of the universe to be reckoned with. ALL-CONSUMING. from the moment they're born, angel craves ― nay, DEMANDS ― the attention & affections of every stranger BLESSED enough to experience them. if their presence alone is not enough to catch at least a DOZEN curious gazes, then they'll ensure their personality COMMANDS it. as a child, angel hungers for PRAISE ; they're s t a r v e d for it, really ! and not for any real LACK, either. the cardona family is LARGE and while angel might be CURSED middle child of SEVEN, it couldn't be said they weren't close growing up. ( being POOR AS FUCK tends to force your hand in that respect ; privacy is a foreign concept when there are four of you to a bedroom. ) she always had someone to whine to, someone to hold a CAPTIVE AUDIENCE for yet another midnight improv performance. it's only that angel is INSATIABLE. she could have all eyes in the room on her and still want MORE.

and to angel's credit, the big happy family FACADE ― that hallmark movie shit, ❛ we may not have a lot but we have e a c h o t h e r and that's ENOUGH ❜ type deal ― it doesn't last forever. NOTHING LASTS FOREVER. trust when angel says he's lived long enough to learn that the HARD way. ( why the fuck can't they get anyone to love them forever, huh ? the way they want to be loved ? TRAGIC. ) he's fifteen when he lands on the STREETS with little more than a duffel bag & A DREAM. if you think that's CORNY, keep it to yourself ― do you know how LONG it took him to be able to romanticize this ? getting KICKED OUT before he can even drive ! losing everything ! and anyway, whether he recalls it as a GORGEOUS CROSSROADS or the CRUEL BETRAYAL OF BLOOD that it is, it's fine. truly, it is. because the cardinal rule of any IT GIRL is the same : beauty is suffering. it's PAIN. and honey, angel know what it is to SUFFER.

no matter how many friends angel might claim in HIGH PLACES, let it be said that there is nothing glamorous about COUCH-SURFING. a few years are lost to a CRISIS OF IDENTITY ― so neatly hidden behind an air of UNWAVERING CONFIDENCE, the same they've always CLUNG to. they'll insist that they're OKAY, that this is little more than an adventure. AN OPPORTUNITY. at first, it proves little more than an opportunity to S P I R A L ; every night a chance for a new SUBSTANCE, a new STRANGER, a new way to reach true, blissful DISTRACTION. from what ? the parents, the siblings that still live on on WITHOUT them ? the countless classes & auditions ― WASTED for not a single callback ? it doesn't take long for such an ERRATIC path to lead angel straight to DANGER ; it's almost as if they have a TASTE for it. they're DRAWN to it.

it's no surprise, then when angel finds herself swiftly lured into the arms of THE JADE TRIBE, is it ? rock bottom is WELL within sight and she's SCARED ; ALONE, even for all the faces she surrounds herself with day & night. ( it seems an IMPOSSIBLE thought ! ) she yearns for the familiar SECURITY ( and attention... and comfort... and... and... !! ) of a FAMILY. and for some reason, she's gotten it into her PRETTY LITTLE HEAD that she can find that in a world of CRIME. ( she thinks she's UNTOUCHABLE is what it is ― MAIN CHARACTER SYNDROME, maybe. but deservedly so ! angel IS the main character, and GOOD LUCK trying to convince her otherwise. ) when she starts DANCING to try and save enough for a place of her OWN, she quickly discovers how incredibly EASY it is to use her a l l u r e at the club to convince guests & strangers to sample the jade tribe's products.

and the best part ? all of these PILLS & POTIONS angel puts on offer keep them a HOT COMMODITY ; they're IN D E M A N D ! sleazes & scoundrels alike ― whether they come for the DRUGS and become m e s m e r i z e d by the undulation of hips under the PULSE of a strobe light, or VICE VERSA ― are drawn to angel like a flurry of moths to a perfectly-manicured FLAME. they use their wiles to line their pockets, maxing out withdrawals on the DEEPEST of wallets with dark d o e eyes and a PROVOCATIVE grin. she does WELL for herself, too, learned over the years what keeps ATTENTION on her. what the people want to see. and no, it may not be BROADWAY or THE SILVER SCREEN, but angel's still got an audience of adoring fans five nights out of the week. and in the grand scheme of things ? that's not the WORST she could do.

( she just knows in her heart, even now : she is destined for BETTER. )

CONNECTIONS.

to be added soon !

#lawlessintro #✘ angel cardona | intro #idk if this makes any sense it's four am but I DID IT #also if i missed any triggers or anything pls let me know i have no brain function remaining tn

[jakesimfromstatefarm]

notoriously yours | jay park

✰ summary: jay park is a rich kid. it’s safe to say he has everything every broke college student on his campus could dream of and more. but the one thing he doesn’t have, which money definitely can’t buy, is a girlfriend. and his friends won’t see of it. literally.

so what happens when his friends bet him to date someone for more than three months? what happens when jay decides that fake-dating someone would be easier than actual dating (because god forbid Jay–the campus’ notoriously known fuckboy–decides to commit to something once in his life)?

and what happens when that someone is you, his childhood best friend he hasn’t spoken to in years..who has absolutely no interest in being in his life anymore?

✰ pairing: jay park x y/n [ft. members of enha]

✰ genre: fluff, comedy, angst | fakedating!au, college!au, childhoodbestfriends!au, (kinda) e2l!au

✰ warnings: cursing, nothing suggestive but jay's a fuckboy so slightly suggestive themes, mentions of parental neglect/leaving, it's hella long (and i thought my last fic was long)

✰ wc: 14.7k (how did i get it this long oh lord)

✰ author's note: picture creds go to original owners/editors! peep that edit of jay that lowkey inspired this entire fic 👀also this took me so, so long bc i lost motivation half way thru and bc college is a thing,,,so i honestly don't know how to feel abt it so pls bare with me :')))) ALSO the dividers are weird bc idk how to add more than 10 pics for the dividers so pls excuse those ٩(× ×)۶i hope u guys enjoy!! <333

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Jay Park is a rich kid.

Jay Park has enough to buy every textbook he needs for his courses without having to look up the free versions online. Jay Park has enough to bribe his professors to let him pass every class with a perfect 4.0 GPA (but because the boy has morals, he doesn't). Jay Park has enough to afford a car to drive to his furthest class from his dorm building instead of walk or bike like every other college student, meaning he also has enough to afford a parking spot on campus (those things aren't cheap!).

Jay Park walks around your school's campus like he owns the place (and considering the amount of money his family has donated to the school, he practically does), looking like he just walked out of your local coffee shop's newest fashion magazine. His blonde hair is never seen untouched, his attire usually consisting of an undoubtedly high-end all-black fit, accessorized with multiple earrings and rings that probably cost more than all the overpriced textbooks you had to rent out this semester. It's safe to say that everyone knows Jay Park.

Bottom line is, Jay Park has everything.

Well, his friends beg to differ.

In their eyes, Jay Park has everything but a simple factor in the equation of love (or whatever love is to the minds of a couple of 19 year olds): commitment.

So yes, it's safe to say that everyone knows Jay Park. Because everyone knows he's the campus' rich fuckboy. (What's a college fanfic campus without one anyways?)

Jay doesn't go unreminded of this by his friends, to the boy's annoyance.

Jay is aware of this on a Sunday afternoon, in his dorm building's first floor lounge, where he and his said friends are having a study session.

They're doing anything but studying.

In fact, no one has any books out or anything. Not a single laptop in site.

"You don't think it's the slightly bit concerning?" Jake's words are muffled as he continues munching on the fried chicken that he spent majority of this study session debating if he should have it delivered through UberEats or not.

"I really don't, no," Jay shrugs as he continues mindlessly scrolling through his Instagram feed. They're having the same argument conversation that they've revisited multiple times over the course of their friendship, one that Jay has been lectured on too many times for his own good. He thinks his friends could become his new parents if they really tried.

"Look at it this way, okay. You're about to graduate college in a couple of years, into the big world. Like the actual, adult world. And that means you'll have to settle down. Which you can't do when you. have. no. commitment!" Jake punctuates each word with a single clap of his hands, desperate to get his point across.

Jay simply rolls his eyes. He looks over to Sunghoon, who's minding his own business, not bothered by the same topic he's heard over and over again. His eyes tell Jay you're on your own, in response to his blonde-haired friend's look of despair.

Jay thinks that maybe he should get new friends. Yes, that's the only solution here.

"My love life," Jay reaches across the table for a drumstick from the greasy tub seated in Jake's lap until Jake swats his hand away, "is none of your business. Also, ouch."

"Uh, it kinda is. Because of you and your reputation around campus, it kinda affects us, your best friends. How do you think we look, hanging out with the guy who's known to ghost every girl in existence after one night with them? No offense to you," Jake deadpans to him. Jay mentally reconsiders the term best friends.

Tough love. Jay tells himself it's tough love.

"Yes, because every girl totally hates Jake Sim, the teacher assistant of a physics class who volunteers at the pet shelter every Sunday and brings their pet golden retriever to campus every two weeks," Jay rolls his eyes at his Australian friend.

Jake sighs. "Okay, then I'm coming from a place of worry for you."

Jay groans. "Again, none of your business!" This doesn't stop Jake. He comes from good intentions, really, but Jay wants nothing more than to stuff the kid's mouth with some of that chicken to shut him up.

"What are you gonna do if one day you meet someone you like, genuinely like, and you screw yourself over because you've never been in an actual relationship before? A real, committed one. Like one that lasts at least three months."

"You don't think I can last three months in a relationship?" Jay questions the boy currently taunting him.

"Honestly? No. What's the longest relationship you've been in?" Jake cocks an eyebrow at his friend across from him.

One month and two weeks. But Jay's smart enough to not say that out loud.

"I can so last over three months," Jay mutters more to himself than Jake.

Jake laughs at that, pausing to take another bite of the drumstick in his hand. "Jay, I am willing to actually bet you. Bet that you wouldn't be able to." He leans back on the couch, the ball now in Jay's court.

Jay freezes, looking up from his phone, narrowing his eyes at Jake.

"Forget it, Jake. He's not gonna agree even if you offered him money," Sunghoon finally perches from beside him. Well he's not wrong. It's not like Jay is exactly in need of more money, per say.

"What kind of bet are we talking here?"

Sunghoon's right. Jay doesn't need the money, but he does hate being wrong. Even if it's over something as stupid as this matter.

Caught off guard by the blonde's answer, Jake blinks blankly at him and takes a second to think.

"Hmm..what about...what about if you can date someone for at least three months, and I mean an actual, committed relationship, then I'll do all of your physics homework next semester."

Jay's eyes sparkle at that. If there's anything he despises more than commitment, it's physics.

"And if I win, you have to buy all of my textbooks," Jake sits back from the edge of his seat with a smirk lying on his face.

Jay pauses to think about it. I mean, what does he have to lose? A couple hundred dollars over college textbooks? No. Because he just simply won't lose.

And maybe he'll learn what it'll be like to actually be in a committed relationship for once. Maybe he'll finally learn what it's like to actually devote yourself to someone, open up to them. He shivers at the thought. Never mind. He'll warm up to it. Baby steps.

Nonetheless, what could go wrong? Even if he does lose, at least his money would be going somewhere productive––towards his friend's education. Jay was probably gonna use that money on something useless like a blanket that resembles a tortilla (a burrito blanket, he calls it)––something he doesn't necessarily need, but must have, he would argue.

"Fine. Whatever, okay. Deal," he grabs Jake's extended hand in front of him and shakes on it.

Jake's impressively smiling at the boy as Sunghoon lets out a sigh, in disbelief with the two guys he calls his best friends.

Jay concludes that this will be easier than his Introduction to Photography 101 course he took his freshman year. How hard is it to find someone to date the Jay Park? Surely, everyone will be lining up once Jay switches his FaceBook relationship status from "it's complicated" to "single".

Turns out, it's not as easy as his class where all Jay had to do was take pictures of a pretty sunset, slap a VSCO filter on, and call it a day.

He comes to this realization on a Wednesday evening, as he's seated at one of the many study tables lined in the middle of the campus' library, staring down at his phone's dry iMessage app, with his laptop and blank sheets of scratch paper scrambled across the entire table, as an attempt to look half as studious as the other students studying in the facility.

Turns out, being known as the campus' fuckboy who ghosts every girl on campus isn't a good thing when it comes to wanting to find a real relationship.

He comes to this realization after failing to receive a single text back to the many ones he sent out throughout the first half of his day. The ghoster gets ghosted. Oh how the turn tables.

Jay groans dramatically as he tosses his phone on the hard surface of the table, earning himself a harsh shush from the librarian filing books in the aisle beside him.

He sheepishly smiles back as an apology, directing his attention back to his open laptop screen, where his untouched calculus homework stares back at him––his mind preoccupied with the looming threat of Jake's bet. Not that it was threatening in any way, per say, but Jay just hates losing. And from the looks of things, it's safe to say that Jay won't be celebrating any victories anytime soon.

Jay thinks he should just change his identity and just transfer to some boarding school in Switzerland. Yes, that's a much better solution than admitting defeat to Jake.

Jay sighs as he lies his head on the table, figuring he might as well just write the check for Jake's textbooks now. He wonders how he got here in the first place. Not how he got into the bet, and definitely not how he's sitting in the middle of the library, having yet to start his calculus homework due at 11:59PM tonight (he should really start that).

But no, he wonders how he gained the reputation as the campus' playboy. To be fair, his friends (mainly Jake), are constantly reminding him of his notorious habits. But how did they come a habit in the first place?

The idea of being in a relationship is nice, sure, but the commitment that comes with it? The idea of being dependent on someone? It's scary, vulnerable, and one that Jay can't picture for himself.

Maybe some people just aren't meant to be paired. Maybe some people, like Jay, like being independent and are meant to stay that way.

But Jay also likes affection. He likes the fleeting, warm feeling he gets every time he finds himself under someone's sheets. He likes the short-lived comfort he receives from someone else's touch, even though he knows it's going to cease to exist the second he steps out of those bedroom's doors. He just likes affection, simple as that.

That and he's a 19 year old teenage boy with needs, what did you expect?

And so what if he likes the idea of affection minus commitment? Is that so bad? Apparently it is, to people like his friends and the entirety of his school's campus, at least.

At this rate, he might as well pay someone to date him.

Wait. Jay lifts his head off the table's surface in realization.

He might as well pay someone to date him.

There's no harm in that, is there?

He wouldn't have to endure through an endless amount of dates to find someone he clicks with, then continue going on dates with said clicked person, all while trying to develop an actual, serious relationship.

He'll win the bet, get his physics homework done for an entire semester, and some lucky girl out there will be making profit for the small price of hanging out with Jay Park for three months.

And lucky for him, Jay knows the perfect candidate for this scheme.

Simple as that.

Just as long as said perfect candidate says yes.

And as long as Jake and Sunghoon don't find out. Or else Jay might really have to move to Switzerland after all.

You love your friends, you do.

Hana and Heeseung have been there for you when others haven't––they were by your side when you knew no one entering high school, and they were still by your side when you were all graduating said high school. Needless to say, you're eternally grateful for friends like them.

But right now, in this moment––with you seated in the middle of the campus' library, trying to write your essay, as your two friends blabber on and on about the most recent gossip across from you––your two friends could be your villain origin story.

But again, you love your friends, you do. So you don't have the heart to tell them to leave. You've managed to naturally tune out most of the conversation, anyways, for this––your friends coming to hang out while you're trying to study––is no rare occurrence by any means.

"Oh yeah, Jay Park texted me last night."

You hate how your brain's filter suddenly turns off at Hana's words.

You hate how your ears catch the sudden mention of Jay Park's name.

You hate how the thought of Jay Park gets to even occupy a single brain cell of yours.

You hate how you even know who Jay Park is. Well, knew.

Past tense. Because up until eighth grade––when Jay decided to just suddenly pretend you didn't exist––he was attached to you like a koala to a eucalyptus tree.

And if you had asked past Y/N, ideally, Jay would've never left your side. Ideally, he would've never left you to fend for yourself when entering high school. Ideally, he would've stayed your best friend through out all four years of high school and ideally, you would've eventually told him how you really felt about him after growing up with him all your life. And maybe it would've lead to a completely different story. But for the sake of this fic, we don't live in an ideal world.

So yes, if it wasn't for his attendance at the very same university as you, you would've forgotten about the boy who brought you the painful memories of your childhood.

And since the universe clearly doesn't work in your favor, avoiding Jay Park's existence like he's the plague would have to suffice. And it works.

For the most part.

Until some people, bring him up uninvited into your conversation. Like now, for example.

"When was the last time you guys talked anyways?" Heeseung mindlessly asks as he reaches across the table to grab one of the many snacks you usually bring to your study sessions.

"Uh..like a few weeks ago. Give or take. Whenever you threw your house party. Can't say there was much talking involved however," she teasingly says with a giggle and wiggle of her brows.

Heeseung's rolling his eyes as you scoff and chuck a nearby crumpled piece of paper that was once one of your many essay drafts at her.

She bats it away right as it's about to hit her face as she laughs. "Doesn't matter anyways. He ghosted me the next morning, as he does with everyone else. Telling you this now," she extends a finger right at you, "stay away from Jay Park. That kid's just bad news."

You nod in response, mentally telling her she has nothing to worry about.

Been there, done that.

College. Ah yes, the very concept of spending four years of your life imprisoned on a campus where you'll be tearing your hair out from stress and spending all your life's savings just for a laminated sheet of paper with a golden stamp at the end of it all. We live in a society.

Because of said college, and all the weight that comes along with it, you had adapted a strict daily schedule in order to not completely lose your mind. It's a simple schedule really, one of a typical college student who's just trying to get by everyday with as little mental breakdowns as possible.

Wake up, get ready, go to class, go to the library to do your homework, walk all the way across campus to get back to your dorm, shower, then sleep. Oh and eat, of course. And maybe if time permits, be an actual social being and socialize.

It's gotten you this far into the college life without dropping out so, you conclude, you must be doing something right.

Sometimes, if you're feeling nice to yourself, you'll tweak the schedule a bit to fit in some exceptions. Maybe squeeze in a little trip to the bubble tea shop that's on the other side of campus, or maybe get dinner at that one dining hall that you don't usually go to because of the unncessarily long lines (but because they serve ice cream, you go anyways). It doesn't matter what the exception is, you still plan it out to fit into your schedule somehow. Everything is planned out.

Sometimes, however, the universe disagrees with your schedule, to your demise. Such as today, for example.

Because what you didn't expect for today was for a particular blonde-haired boy who you haven't spoken to in almost six years (but who's counting?) to approach your table in the library––a table you were sure no one could find you at, as it was quietly tucked away in the back corner, right next to the Astrophysics shelves. Because who browses the Astrophysics aisle for fun? Actually, maybe Jake Sim would. Anyways.

You definitely didn't anticipate a visit from the boy you've been actively avoiding, so you definitely didn't expect the first words coming out of his mouth when he sees you for the first time in six years to be:

"Fake date me."

You blink up at him.

Yeah, definitely not expected.

But you only let it phase you for a split second, until you feel a slight annoyance beginning to bubble up deep inside of you.

"Wow, hello to you too Jay! It's been what––half a decade? Yeah I've been pretty good, thanks for asking!" The sarcasm is practically dripping off your tongue.

You don't know what runs through Jay's mind, but apparently it isn't common sense––or the ability to read the room. Because next thing you know, he's sliding the chair across from you out from underneath the table and making himself at home.

And he's smiling right at you.

Curse him and his smile.

But no, you're not giving into it.

Not yet, at least.

"What do you want?" You deadpan at him when he makes no sign of making the next move.

"A girlfriend," he deadpans right back at you, as if he was casually telling you what he wanted for dinner. As if you two were close-knit friends that could approach one another without any proper greeting. As if you two had kept your friendship all these years. As if you two even had a role in each other's lives.

"Can't help you there," you scoff, deciding to not even question his lack of manners on top of his uninvited presence.

"Aren't you gonna ask me why?"

"Well gee, seeing that the first few words you decided to say to my face for the first time in forever were a demand, a demand to date you no less, then....no," your monotone voice says as you keep your eyes focused on your laptop screen, not daring to look at the boy across from you.

In the Introduction to Sociology course you took your freshmen year, you had learned of one important term: interactional vandalism. Textbook definition being: "ignoring signals of disinterest in a conversation, leading it to an offense."

Your definition being: "are you oblivious or just plan dumb, read the room!"

This was interactional vandalism, alright. Whether Jay's truly oblivious or just trying to annoy you until your head explodes (it's really the former, but you're convinced it's the latter), he takes your signals of disinterest and tosses it right out of his head to continue the conversation.

"I'm stuck in this stupid bet with Jake--do you remember him? He bet me that I couldn't date someone for more than three months and I figured having someone fake date me would be easier than actually dating someone, right? That's where you come into the equation," he proposes as he leans back in his chair, as if he had just finished a sales pitch to a prospective customer looking to buy a car.

You couldn't believe this. You're 98% sure this has got to be a prank. You're mentally preparing for a camera crew to jump out from in-between the library's aisles any moment now and scream into your ears that you've just been punk'd!

The remaining 2% of you, however, wouldn't put it past the two boys to get themselves in such a situation. The last memory you had of Jay and his friends were pretty much their childish selves back in middle school. And by looking at the current scene unfolding in front of you...it's needless to say they haven't changed much.

"Again, can't help you there. Ask one of the many girlfriends I thought you had." Ouch.

"But Y/N, you've known me all your life--"

"Up until you dropped me a few years ago but sure, let's call it that."

"--and convincing other people is gonna make me look--"

"--desperate? Yeah."

"C'mon, Y/N. What do you have to lose anyways?"

"Uh..my dignity? Pride? Self-respect? Sorry Jay, not happening," you turn your attention back to your unwritten essay in front of you, mentally checking out of this conversation. This would be a good time for that camera crew to jump out now.

"Look, no one else is gonna do it, Y/N." Jay has always been stubborn, you suppose. But so are you.

"Yeah, because you've managed to push every being of the opposite gender away from you. You gave yourself this reputation in the first place," you give it to him straight. It's not like you had a relationship with him to uphold anyways––Jay himself broke that friendship years ago.

Jay hates that you're right.

You're always right. He remembers how he used to always go to you for advice and clarity on the world's biggest problems. Granted, the world's biggest problems to him at the time equated to what he should dress up as for the fifth grade Halloween party, but still. A tough decision, for the mind of a ten-year-old.

You abruptly stop typing and begin putting your laptop and textbooks away as you huff in frustration. There's no point in trying to get your work done now. The longer you stay arguing with Jay, the bigger your headache gets. The longer he continues to occupy any part of your brain, the bigger your headache gets.

Getting up from your seat, packed and ready to slam your head into your pillow, you turn to the blonde one last time.

"Look Jay. We went on our separate ways years ago. If you weren't so notoriously known around campus and my friends would stop talking about you, I would've long forgotten you. I'm sorry you're in this situation, really. If I were you, I'd just tell Jake I can't do it. Or don't, I can't tell you what to do. Just don't get some innocent girl involved in whatever stunt of yours this is."

Jay stares at you, mouth agape, as you find your way out of the library and through the main doors. By the time he comes back to his senses, he realizes how he looks plain stupid––standing in the middle of the library, the look on his face screaming befuddlement, to say the least. Jay quickly makes his way out of the building, in hopes of convincing you one last time.

Jay catches sight of your figure already half-way down the walkway that connects the library to the main quad of your school's campus. Geez, you walk fast.

Not fast enough to outrun Jay's legs, however. If Jay running after you through the middle of campus in order to convince you to fake date him doesn't show how desperate he is to win this bet, I don't know what will.

"Wait, Y/N!"

You groan to yourself before turning to face the boy who can't seem to take a hint and leave you alone. You stare at his out-of-breath state as he heaves up and down from the slight jog he had to endure to get to where you are. If you're humored by him chasing after you, you do a good job of hiding it.

He meets your unimpressed state before stating his final proposition: "I'll pay you. Five hundred dollars."

You nearly stop breathing.

Now this catches your attention––after all, you're but a broke college student who's just trying to survive. And preferably not by feeding yourself instant ramen cups every night.

And so, naturally, you begin rethinking about the opportunity presented in front of you. You narrow your eyes at the boy as you weigh your options.

The first problem being, it's Jay Park––the bane of your very existence. You spent the last few years of your life pretending he didn't exist...for good reason. Not only did he do you dirty when you were merely a couple of 13-year-olds, but you just didn't want to be involved with someone like him. Someone known for his nature, someone who left your own current best friend ghosted. And not that Hana herself would care, for she has called herself the "female Jay Park", but you're sure this would be breaking some rule in the girl code handbook. Plus, if you agree to this, you'd be betraying 13-year-old Y/N, the one who decided to never speak to nor think of Jay Park again––which by now you've failed, but you get the gist.

Second problem being, three months is a long time. Three months is practically the rest of this semester, and did you really want to spend the rest of the semester tied down to the label of being Jay Park's girlfriend? There would have to be some negative connotations that came along with that title, right? No offense to Jay, but being his first girlfriend since, what, high school could make you come off as..naive, for lack of a better term. As if the only person you could settle for was Jay Park. As if you barely had any standards for yourself. Again, no offense to Jay.

Needless to say, if your school's debate club had to argue on why you shouldn't be doing this, you're sure the negating side could win with these two reasons alone.

But before you're rejecting the boy currently standing in front of you one last time, you find yourself mentally listing rebuttals.

First of all, you'd be getting paid. And again, you're merely but a college student living the stereotypical broke college student life––burdened by the costs of tuition, textbooks, and midnight McDonalds runs for when you're out of aforementioned instant ramen cups. Five hundred dollars could provide you with more than enough chicken McNuggets to last you the semester, and maybe some more to treat yourself to an online shopping spree.

Second of all, it's not like you were going to do anything better with your next three months anyways. It's safe to say you were too busy being a diligent student to actually look for anyone to date, per say. And if anything, having a fake boyfriend might actually be helpful in your case. Your mom would be off your ass about how you're still single, for one. And two, your friends (though it's really just Heeseung) would stop trying to hook you up on blind dates with guys that you would choose Jay Park over any day (and that really says something).

Third of all, it's Jay Park. As much as you despise the kid, you still know him. He's not a complete stranger to you, no matter how much you try to deny it. It could be worse, it could be a complete rando asking you to date him. At least you two have some sort of history, which would take care of the typical small talk and getting to know each other bit of this equation. And truth be told, you'd be lying to yourself if you said you weren't a tad bit satisfied by the fact that Jay chose you, of all people, to pull off this stunt with him. You don't know if it's the nostalgia of your childhood memories rushing back to you, but it reminds you of the endless schemes you two used to plan behind your parents' backs all the time. Granted, your childhood schemes––such as the both of you faking sickness so you could skip school together––don't even fall close to being in a fake relationship with one another, but still. It's the thought that counts.

All of those reasons plus, Jay isn't the worst to look at. He may have a spoiled reputation, but at least he has his looks going for him, you'll give him that (you're still secretly wondering when and how did he get his glow up, but don't tell him that).

And so by the guidelines of a college student's logic that states the pros outweigh the cons, you come to the overarching conclusion that maybe, this won't be so awful after all.

"Five hundred?" You ask, just for clarification. Jay's immediately nodding at your words. You continue to ponder on your thoughts as he stares at you hopefully.

The silent atmosphere of your campus heightens the tension so much, you swear you're in one of those overdramatic pausing scenes that occur too many times in k-dramas.

You sigh, then nod.

"Okay," you're internally praying that you won't regret this decision. "I'm in."

The next time you see Jay is at 12:17PM on a Friday afternoon, as you're exiting the doors of the lecture building that's home to your awfully long Capitalism in the Western World class.

You're going down the steps of the building, mentally deciding where and what you're going to treat yourself to for lunch––as the three hour lecture you had just attended drained all the life and energy out of you––when you hear the slight call of your name.

Turning to the source, you're met with a waving Jay, leaning against the passenger's side of his car, parked in front of the lecture hall building you were currently leaving.

Great.

You walk over to where he's casually waiting––he's unaware of all the stares he's attracted from fellow students leaving the same lecture as you. Can you blame them? It's not everyday you see a sleek, black BMW that probably cost more than your tuition pull up in front of your Friday afternoon lecture. It's not everyday you see Jay Park waiting for anyone outside of his said sleek, black BMW that probably cost more than your tuition.

"Hi," you simply let out as you plant yourself in front of him, not sure whether or not to question him why are you here? Surely, he wasn't waiting for you?

"Hi," he smiles down at you. There's a beat of silence. "I was waiting for you."

Bingo.

"Oh. What are you, my chauffeur?" You raise an eyebrow, unimpressed.

"Maybe. I am your boyfriend, after all," he says into the air, loud and clear, as if he wanted people to hear. Well that is the point, you suppose.

But still, all you want to do is smack the smirk right off his face.

Before you have time to put your next question into words, he answers it for you.

"I'm taking you out for lunch," he declares as if you have nothing else planned for the day. Well, to be fair, you didn't have anything else planned for the day. Except for your usual library run. But you figure the library could wait.

"Oh, like on a date?" You raise your eyebrows teasingly at him as you get into the car, Jay holding the door wide open for you. "Is Jay Park treating me to lunch as a date?"

Jay fights the scowl (or is that a smile?) growing on his face as he bends down to meet your eye level from inside the car. "Don't flatter yourself, princess. We've got fake lives to live."

"Call me princess one more time and you won't have a real life to live," you flash him a sarcastic smile and slam the door in his face.

Jay meets his own shocked reflection on the passenger's side window.

Cute.

"When you said you were taking me out to lunch, I expected like...I don't know...the diner on campus. Not whatever this is," you mutter to Jay as the two of you are brought to your table by a waitress at an upscale sushi restaurant, one that is undoubtedly out of your usual budget, but for sure an upgrade from your dining hall's pizza you were planning to have. You should've figured as much, the drive here was a little more than out of the way from campus, and who are you kidding, it's Jay Park you're eating with.

You stare down at your current outfit, which consisted of a hoodie you've owned since your junior year of high school and leggings that you threw on without second thought this morning––because you didn't exactly wake up and decide I'm going to go to a fancy sushi bar for lunch today!

"Why are we here anyways?" You ask him when you're both settled in your seats and the waitress walks away after listing the chef's specials for the day.

"Oh, they have killer dragon rolls here, you have to try it," Jay tells you nonchalantly as his eyes rake the menu in front of him, blocking your view of him.

How dense can one be? Your hand snatches his menu as you stare into his unamused eyes.

"No, Jay. I mean, why are we here? It's not like anyone's around to see us put on a show anyways."

"Oh. I figured," Jay's quick to grab the menu back from out of your hands as he continues, "that we should sit down and establish how exactly we're going to deliver this performance. After all, you're stuck with me for the next three months."

Again, smacking the smirk currently resting on his face would satisfy you beyond relief. Just once.

"If I drop out halfway through, do I still get $250?" You tease, leaning back.

"Ha ha. Funny. No," he narrows his eyes at you from across the table. "It's all or nothing."

You dramatically huff to make a show just for his annoyance.

"Worth a try. But sure, let's solidify this. What's the game plan?" You sit up in your seat, leaning over the table as if the two of you were hosting a secret meeting.

"It's simple really," Jay mirrors your actions, face leaning in close to where yours is hovering over the table. "Just pretend to be deeply in love with me for three months, and try not to actually be charmed by my cunning looks."

If someone gave you five dollars for every time you've already rolled your eyes at him today, you wouldn't even need to be in this deal for the five hundred dollars.

"Wow, smooth. Can I just remind you you're the one paying a girl to be in a fake relationship with you because you're just not competent enough to find an actual girlfriend?" You lean back, arms crossing over your figure.

Jay, unfazed, laughs, tongue briefly hitting the inside of his cheek. "Touché."

Your eyes go back to the menu in front of you as a silence falls over the table. Because you're not a loaded trust fund baby who comes to fancy five-star sushi restaurants for lunch on a daily, you don't recognize half of the entree names on the menu. You spot the dragon roll Jay suggested, but seeing that a basic California roll is less expensive, your natural broke-college-student-instincts figure the California roll shall do.

"Okay, in all seriousness," Jay begins as he puts his menu down. "It's simple really. We'll just go on weekly dates and post cute pictures of each other once in a while and a little after three months, I'll just say it didn't work out. I'll give you the five hundo and boom, we move on with our lives."

It's clear Jay's put some thought into this. Safe to say he's put more effort planning this out than the amount of work he's been putting into his classes. Someone's got their priorities straight.

You're impressed to say the least––you figured Jay would just be the kind to go with the flow and wait for the situation to unfold on its own and maybe blow up into flames. But seeing as he was just as serious about winning this bet as you were with making five hundred dollars, your doubts about this entire situation were slowly withering away.

Don't get it wrong, though, you still despise him. To an extent, at least.

"And don't worry about the dates. I'll pay on your behalf, as the loving, doting boyfriend I am," Jay finishes with a wide, cheesy smile you can't help but return a growing smile back at.

"Well then, as the loving, doting girlfriend I am, I shall gift you coffee, breakfast, all that fun couple stuff, whenever you please. Or maybe unannounced, if I'm feeling nice," you figure you should pitch in as much if he's paying for all your dates. And deep down, you find the idea kinda cute. But don't tell anyone that.

"Wow, look at us. We should become Dispatch's couple of the year already!" Jay exclaims, earning himself a small giggle from you, which pleases him to say the least. He thinks that maybe when this is all over, he'll hopefully make a good friend (well, for the second time) out of it.

And you're thinking that maybe the next three months won't be as bad as you initially had thought.

As the two of you delve deep into a debate about who would be the better significant other to each other, the waitress comes over to take your orders.

And because you're laughing and Jay's brightly smiling at you from across the table, you order the dragon roll.

The second time Jay takes you out––this time he gives you a heads up to get ready––it's at a, once again, high-class steakhouse.

The third time, you insist on the on-campus diner that's popular amongst the student population. Partially because you feel bad for the amount of money he's spent on you (even though he couldn't care less), but mostly because if you have to put on another fancy dress to just eat an overpriced meal that doesn't even fully satisfy your hunger, you might lose your mind.

And by this third time, Jake is aware of this newly blossomed relationship.

"Three dates! I didn't know you had it in you, going on three dates with the same girl!" Jake excitedly exclaims as he jumps into the empty spot on Jay's dorm bed and shoves his phone's screen into Jay's face.

The smaller screen displays Jay's most recent Instagram post: an image of you sitting behind your too-small-to-be-this-expensive-steak and smiling right into Jay's camera––a memory that brings a smile to his face:

~ ~ ~

"C'mon! We said Instagram posts would be a part of the deal! How else can we convince people we're dating?" A pout rests on Jay's face as he stares at you from across the table in the middle of the extravagantly decorated restaurant he picked out for your second date. You remember your eyes bulging out of their own sockets when you saw the "$$$$$" rating Yelp gave the place when you searched it up earlier.

"Okay, okay! One picture," you give in, already slightly annoyed that you were here instead of the comfort of your own bed, where you could be rewatching your favorite Netflix show for the third time. But because you made a deal and because you're desperate for money, you had to follow through––so here you were.

You flash an unconvincing smile to Jay's camera, which doesn't satisfy him, to say the least. "At least pretend you're somewhat enjoying this date," he frowns at you.

You sigh, until a thought crosses your mind and a smile grows on your face. "Only if you get me boba afterwards."

He narrows his eyes at you, but then meets your smile. "Sure, whatever you want. But only because I've been craving some mango milk tea lately."

"You're a fruit milk tea kind of guy? Sorry, but I might have to fake break-up with you," you tease as you take a sip of your overpriced drink to go with your overpriced meal.

Jay scoffs, feigning hurt by placing his hand over his heart. "Ouch. But before you break up with me, let me get this Instagram post in."

"Wow. Your priorities are so straight," you roll your eyes at him, eliciting a cheeky smile from him as he watches you through his held up phone screen.

"3,2,1."

"Hey, I wasn't ready! That was like mid-laugh!" You reach over the table to grab the phone, but not quick enough for him to put his phone back into his pants' pocket.

"Nope, nuh uh," he laughs as you quickly sit back down into your seat, not wanting to cause a scene in an establishment as proper as this one.

"It's fine. It's a good picture, you look cute," he casually lets out, unaware of the blush rising to the surface of your cheeks, thanks to the fact that you were suddenly interested in playing with the left-over food on your plate.

"Jay! Delete it, I'll let you take another one," you whine from your seat, imagining just how bad a candid picture of you could be.

"Ugh, fine. Ever so picky." He playfully rolls his eyes at you as he takes his phone out and opens the camera app as you prepare yourself.

"Okay, how's this?" Jay turns the phone screen to you after he takes a few snaps on his phone.

"I approve," you grin at him as he goes through the pictures himself, unaware of the smile growing on his face.

"Okay now delete the first one," you point your finger at him, narrowing your eyes at him.

"Okay, okay! Bossy," he laughs as he raises in hands in surrender.

When Jay gets home that night, he recovers the image from his Recently Deleted folder, telling himself it's for the sake of the memory.

Obviously.

~ ~ ~

"It's not that big of a deal," Jay mutters from his spot as his eyes go from the Instagram post to his Exile and Belonging in Modern Literature reading that's due tomorrow, bright yellow highlighter in hand. Typically, you'd find the reading buried deep at the bottom of his school backpack. But because Jay ran into you this morning and because he complained to you about the amount of work he's fallen behind on and because you had threatened him to do his work or else you're not going on another date––a fake date that is––with him, he figured he should at least get one reading done and annotated, despite his strong dislike for highlighters (they hurt his eyes, okay?)

What he doesn't know, however, is how your threat was completely full of bluff––but don't tell him that.

"It is so a big deal, for you at least!" Jake hops off the bed and lands on the wooden floors of Jay's dorm room so hard, Jay winces and sends a mental apology to the poor person who lives below him.

Jake suddenly gasps. "I have to meet her, Jay! As your best friend, it's practically mandatory that I meet her."

Jay opens his mouth to protest, but not before Jake interrupts him once again. "Oh! We can bring Sunghoon too, it'll be so fun! The best friends meet the girlfriend."

Jay can't think of anything worst. Jay imagines that bringing you to meet his best friends would just intimidate you out of dating him––fake dating him, that is. Obviously.

He stares at his friend in agony then back at the reading in front of him––the one Jake said he'd come over to help annotate, but the intention completely left Jake's head the second he heard about Jay's recent dating life.

"You don't have to meet her," Jay says pointedly. "Plus, you already know her."

Jake frowns at his friend's excuse. "Yeah, but that was in middle school! This is different."

Jay's hands shuffle through the reading's pages in front of him as he realizes there's no way the two of them are going to finish the assignment at this point. He supposes he'll have to save death by blindness from highlighters for another day and hope you still agree to go out with him.

Jake suddenly gasps in realization.

"Oh my gosh! Childhood best friends turned college sweethearts," Jake says so dreamily, he might as well plaster heart eyes on. Hopeless romantic, this one.

Before Jay can argue, the piercing sound of three loud knocks echo through the small room, followed with a:

"Jay, are you in? It's me!"

Jay stills at the sound of your sweet voice. He whips his head to Jake, who is also frozen in place.

But the widened-eye boy is quick to come to his senses––unfortunately quicker than Jay himself––because the next thing Jay knows, Jake's eyes are lighting up and he's running to the door, ignoring Jay's screaming whispers through this seething teeth that were somewhere along the lines of Jake––stop, I swear to god if you open that door I'm gonna fucking--

"Y/N!" Jake swings the door wide open, revealing an overly excited him and a frozen Jay half-way to the door, as if he was about to grab the very boy welcoming you in. It's as if we're living in a Sims game and the player clicked pause on this very moment.

Jake's eyes are wildly going back and forth between you and your supposed boyfriend, as if he was waiting for Jay to run over and smother you in hugs and kisses...or something couple-y like that. Jay wouldn't know.

"Uh––hi," you're awkwardly standing inside the room now, a relatively large paper brown bag resting in your palms as you look around for a surface to place it on. Jay makes his way to you without a second thought, quickly taking the bag out of your hold.

"You seemed stressed out earlier, so I figured I could bring you some food as a little pick me up. I didn't know what you liked, so I kinda just got a little of everything from the dining hall. Nothing fancy," you're rambling, but smiling so excitedly at him, Jay doesn't know what to say.

Instead, his mouth slightly drops open as he stares at you in awe, mostly because he's not used to being on the receiving end of such spontaneously generous actions––all while Jake's still excitedly looking back and forth between the two of you, as if he was expecting a marriage proposal to come next.

"Oh wow. Thank you. Really," Jay, still touched by your simple act of kindness, softly says as he places the bag on the limited amount of empty space on his desk surface––the rest of it is covered with his untouched textbooks and unfinished assignments. He wonders if you did this out of playing your role or just because you wanted to. He internally hopes it's the latter. "Seriously, you didn't have to do."

"Nah, don't worry. I wanted to," you shrug with such a genuine smile that Jay realizes he actually missed your smile.

Despite having seen you during your brief run-in this morning when you were fetching your morning coffee, Jay realizes he missed you. The two of you haven't been seeing each other recently because of your busy schedule and if Jay didn't realize it before, he's now sure he missed your company and presence around.

Weird.

"Well, you two have fun! Sunghoon needs me for something," Jake suddenly chirps from his place near the front door, halfway through with putting his shoes on already, breaking the comforting silence that fell between the two of you.

Jay frowns. "But you said you were free all da––"

"SUNGHOON IS CALLING BYE!" And before Jay can even register what's happening, Jake's out the door without another word.

"Er..sorry about him, he's...weird," Jay scratches the back of his neck as he returns to his spot on his bed, mentally setting a reminder to yell at Jake later for leaving the two of you alone. Jay doesn't know exactly why, but he's nervous at the fact that you're here in his room. It's not like you two are complete strangers––or whatever you guys were before––anymore. "Good job on your part, though. How'd you know Jake was here?"

"Oh uh, I didn't"," you let out an awkward laugh. "I just felt like doing it."

Heat rushes to Jay's cheeks and he's not sure 1) what this newfound feeling is and 2) how to respond, yet again.

Having expecting you to leave after dropping the food off, Jay's taken by surprise when you take your shoes off and come over to his bed to look at the pile of work he's spread out.

"Is this everything you have to do?" You question the stressed-out boy as you flip through the various assignments, readings, and essays he put off in the past week.

"More or less," he groans. This is no rare occurrence by any means––Jay being behind in his work––but this time, Jay realizes he may actually be in deep shit, considering he has no idea where to begin.

Right as Jay's expecting a scolding from you, he looks up to meet a look of sympathy on your face. "Well, I mean, I'm pretty much done with my day. I can try to help, I recognize some of these readings from last semester."

Jay thinks to himself that the universe has sent him an angel through the form of you.

"Really? Wow, you were't kidding when you said you'd be a good girlfriend," he sends you a surprised look.

"I'm just being nice, Jay. A concept I'm sure you're not familiar with," you remark back at him, causing his forming smile to grow into a laugh.

"I can too be nice! Need I remind you of who's paying you $500, covering all of our dates AND giving you rides to class everyday?" He remarks pointedly at you, a teasing look resting in his eyes as you're reminded of the first of many times he's come to pick you up before class:

~ ~ ~

You're late.

This never happens.

But then again, your life's been a series of unexpected occurrences lately. Such as the fact that you're currently known as Jay Park's girlfriend, for one.

You're scrambling out of bed once you take one look at your phone and realize shit, you're already late for class. Throwing on whatever articles of clothing your eyes land on first, you're already mentally groaning at the fact that you'll have to skip breakfast and run across your campus to get to said class.

Curse your professor for hosting her lecture at the furthest possible building away from your dorm. Curse the architect who decided to make your campus so large.

You're running down the steps outside of your dorm building's doors when you're abruptly stopped by a familiar sounding cough. You look up from trying to gather all your belongings together at once to meet the gaze of the source of the sound––Jay.

"Wow, you're a mess," he smirks as he gets up from the spot on his car he was leaning against to make his way over to you.

"Gee, thanks! Good morning to you too," you flash him a sarcastic smile before your default frown quickly makes it way back onto your face.

"Aren't you gonna ask me why I'm here?" He grins as he grabs hold of your backpack to sling it across his own back as the two of you walk towards his car.

"Why are you here, Jay?" you sigh, your sarcastic tone hard to miss.

"To give you a ride to class, of course!" He's beaming at you, as if he's a pre-pubescent teen who just won their first girlfriend a prize from the arcade's claw machine.

Oh. That explains the car, you figure. Deep down inside, you're relieved that you'll no longer be bursting through the lecture hall's doors as a sweaty mess––a result of having to run across campus to get to class.

Determined to not let your satisfaction completely show, you resort with a little smile directed towards Jay as he opens the passenger door for you.

The second your enter Jay's car, the strong scent of coffee hits you, and your attention is targeted at the two small cups of coffee sitting in the cupholders of the car.

"Breakfast?" Jay asks as he enters through the driver's side and reaches into the backseat to whip out a small pastry bag. A small, deliciously smelling, pastry bag.

Okay, well. You suppose you could drop the annoyed act now.

Your eyes widen with joy as you grab the bag from him and open it to reveal your favorite breakfast sandwich. He's been taking notes, you'll give him that point.

"Okay, you win. Thank you," you grace him with a soft smile before taking a bite into the glorious gift in your hands.

"Of course, I was just feeling nice," he grins at you as he starts his car. "But don't get used to it." His tone is serious, but his smile directed towards you says differently.

And the fact that he still showed up to drive you to class the next morning.

And the next.

~ ~ ~

"And need I remind you who has to date your dumb ass for the $500 in question?" Your eyes narrow at the boy who can't seem to get that damn smile off his face.

Jay sticks his tongue out at you, ending the conversation. Really Jay? What are you, five? Well, mentally––probably.

You're looking around his minuscule dorm room for a place to sit down, and Jay can't help but feel embarrassed now that you're here, in his messy single studio room that pretty much reflects how Jay treats every other responsibility of his oh so hard life: neglected.

"Uh...here, you can sit on my bed," Jay immediately offers as he moves to the side to make room for your presence––and it isn't much, considering the university only provided him a twin XL bed which is definitely not built for two grown college-aged kids.

If you told yourself a few weeks ago that you'd be shoulder to shoulder on a bed belonging to the guy you cringed at the very thought of, you wouldn't have believed yourself. You wouldn't have believed yourself if you said you were actually glad Jay let you stay instead of kicking you out after delivering the food. Huh.

Weird.

"You know, this kinda reminds me of when we were kids. I always carried us through those horrible multiplication tests in the fifth grade," you wink at him as you settle in the spot next to him, hands grabbing hold of the papers in his lap.

Jay let out a laugh, nudging your shoulder with his. "Hey! The twelve times table is hard, okay?"

You roll your eyes at him––a habit of yours he's noticed whenever the two of you are together, but more recently, he thinks it's been more out of fun than annoyance.

He wonders why.

When Jay had first brought up the idea of bringing you as his date to his father's company dinner, you had expected a fairly fancy five-star restaurant with a formal dress code––for you've become accustomed to Jay's lifestyle. Turns out, your expectations can continue to be exceeded. Because what you had expected to be a simple dinner with a few other business men and women turned out to be an entire party, hosted in a hotel whose interior resembled something close to a castle (Or what you assume a castle looks like, as you've never personally been into a castle yourself, but this hotel is close enough).

Your eyes sparkle at the extravagant columns and diamond chandeliers hanging high above you, and Jay smiles at the expression on your face; like a little girl being brought to the amusement park for the first time ever.

"Wow, this is...wow," you mutter as you drink in the scene in front of you: people dressed in formal attire likewise to yours and Jay's, mingling and drinking what you imagine to be beverages that cost more than your entire life's worth.

Jay laughs from behind you, "Yeah the company goes a little...extra when it comes to these company dinners."

You scoff as you look up at him. "Oh really, you don't say?" You look around and you're suddenly aware of the many people surrounding the two of you and the attention you've acquired ever since entering the building.

"Jay, people are staring." You shuffle closer to him, your voice lowering down to a whisper.

"Well, it's not everyday the son of the company's CEO brings his girlfriend with him, so...looks like we'll be the talk of the party tonight. Smiles on," he winks at you, and you just know he's loving the attention the two of you are receiving right now.

"Jay Park? Is that you?" You hear a warm voice call out from behind the two of you.

The two of you turn around to meet the owner of the voice, a middle-aged woman dressed in an evening gown that matches the pattern of high-end brands you've been recognizing ever since arriving.

"Mrs. Lee! It's so nice seeing you again," Jay cheerily addresses the woman as the two of you bow in greeting.

You internally giggle at the thought of your Jay being so picture-perfect in the eyes of his father's co-workers.

"This is Y/N," he continues, his hand finding its way to your back, protectively resting it there as you go to introduce yourself. "My girlfriend."

You swear you feel goosebumps rise from where he's lightly touching you, and more so when he introduces you as his girlfriend.

You tell yourself it's just your nerves. Yes, that's it, you're just nervous. I mean, you're in a room filled with people who could easily pay off all your college loans with just a snap of their fingers, who wouldn't be nervous? Right? Right.

"Y/N! It's a pleasure to finally meet you, I've heard so much about you!" Mrs. Lee excitedly exclaims as you turn to Jay with a slightly confused look plastered on your face. He mirrors your expression as he shrugs, moving to stand behind you completely, bringing his hands to rest lowly at your hips.

His hands feel like feathers on the thin fabric of your evening gown, so light, so delicate, as if he's unsure if he's crossing a line. It leaves you wanting more, wanting to naturally lean against him and his warmth. You quick to shake the thought of your head as Mrs. Lee chirps up again.

"Jay's father is always talking about how you've been keeping Jay pleasantly busy nowadays! Good thing too, about time this poor boy settle down for someone as beautiful as you," the woman rambles on as you feel a blush creep up on your cheeks at the thought of Jay talking about you to his dad. If only they knew.

"We should probably go find our seats, I think the dinner is beginning soon," Jay says from behind you, saving the two of you from having to listen to Mrs. Lee's story of how she's known Jay ever since he was five years old and seeing him grow into this mature, loving, young man is so amazing. Oh look! I have baby pictures.

Yeah, he was more so saving himself from embarrassment.

The two of you bid your goodbyes before Jay gently uses the hand on your back to maneuver you through the crowd of socializing business moguls.

"She's not wrong, you know," you feel Jay dip his head so he's speaking near your ear, his warm breath tickling your earlobe, as the two of you make your way through the large foyer room.

"Hm?" You hum in question, turning your head up just enough to be able to make eye contact with him as he responds to your look of confusion.

"You look beautiful tonight," he says, eye contact not breaking once. You freeze in your steps.

You stare back at him in silence. Oh.

Your mind is panicking as it flips through your mental book of responses, unsure of what to say back. But because your mind is cloudy from staring at a put-together Jay in a dark navy suit to match your dress (mixed with the nervous butterflies in your stomach––have they always been there?), the only sound that's able to leave your lips is the small stutter of a:

"Huh?"

Wow Y/N, you had one job. A simple "thank you" could've sufficed! And you went with "Huh"?

You felt like a fifth grader who just learned from a friend of a friend of a friend that their crush likes them back.

"U-um. Mrs. Lee. What she said about you. You look good, really," somehow your nervousness made its way over to Jay now––his eyes flickering from yours to anywhere, anything, else in the room––the awkward tension growing tenfold each second.

Goddamnit Y/N, this is just Jay you're talking to, get a grip.

You're knocked back into reality when he slightly nudges your back to continue making your way to the main ball room, where the dinner is being held.

"Is that a compliment from the Jay Park?" Your smirk can't be seen by Jay, since he's still trailing behind you, but he can definitely hear it through your tone.

"Don't make me take it back," he chuckles, his words felt against your neck, leaving behind a tingly sensation you're not sure why you're feeling. You're glad he's behind you, so he isn't able to see the blush creeping onto your face for the second time tonight.

Jay gives a small nod to the people behind the check-in desk stationed at the entrance as the two of you waltz right into a large ball room lined with countless circular dining tables. So much for a small business dinner.

As the two of you approach one of the tables placed at the front of the room, you notice a familiar figure seated next to the seats reserved for you and Jay.

"Y/N!" Jake exclaims as he gets up from his seat to greet the both of you. "I'm so glad you made it, Jay was so excited to bring you tonight. Deadass would not stop talking about it."

Jay lets out a noise that falls somewhere between a cough and a goose being strangled, his widened eyes warning his talkative friend to just shut up. He's silently cursing the company for always seating his and Jake's family at the same table for these events.

"Aw, is that so? He's lucky he's cute or else I wouldn't have agreed," you grin, winking at your assumed boyfriend sitting next to you.

"Hey, YOU were the one excited to come! I recall a certain someone's face lighting up when I suggested we go shopping for tonight," Jay immediately retorts.

"Only because you were buying," you giggle, causing Jake to laugh as well.

"Damn, Jay. Tough," Jake jokingly adds as you laugh alongside him. The scowl sitting on Jay's face expresses the opposite of what he's feeling right now: warmth filling him up from the sound of your laughter and the image of you getting along so well with his best friend.

"I'm gonna get us some drinks, you two have fun making fun of me," Jay narrows his eyes at the two of you as he gets up from his seat. You bid him off with a smile before turning back to Jake.

"No but really though, this boy would not stop talking about you coming tonight. Then again, he doesn't really ever stop talking about you," Jake nonchalantly says, not knowing how much he was exposing his friend to you right now.

You raise an eyebrow up in response, "Oh really?"

"Seriously! I don't know what you did to him, Y/N, but this Jay I've been seeing recently is new. He complains a lot less about life nowadays, especially on the days he sees you," he leans back in his chair as his comment brings a smile to your face. Little does he know.

You stretch your neck up to find the boy in question and spot him right as he's returning to your shared table, two drinks in hand. You lock eyes with him from across the room and without a second thought, you're giving him a genuine smile that he's immediately returning.

Your heart beats faster at the view.

You wonder why.

It's 3:07AM when you hear the first ding.

You're not 100% sure as of why you're awake at this hour on a Tuesday night––perhaps a combination of your restless thoughts and feelings not letting you sleep plus the typical stress that comes hand-in-hand with the life of a college student.

It's 3:09AM when you hear the second ding, and you brush it off, assuming it was just Heeseung spamming you with memes again––something he does often when he also can't sleep (you found this out the hard way).

It's still 3:09AM when you hear the third ding, and at 3:10AM , you finally reach over and decide to acknowledge the being who's bothering you at this godforsaken hour.

Jay [3:07AM]: Y/N

Jay [3:09AM]: hi

Jay [3:09AM]: r u awake rn

Y/N [3:10AM]: unfortunately so

Y/N [3:11AM]: why are you up

Jay [3:11AM]: come outside

Y/N [3:13AM: jay it's 3am

Jay [3:13AM]: ye and? don't tell me ur a college student with a curfew

Jay [3:14AM]: plus im alrdy waiting for u outside so u have no choice

Jay [3:15AM]: :)

You groan at your bright phone screen currently illuminating your dark dorm room.

You ponder the consequences you may have to suffer tomorrow if you stay up any later than you already have. But considering the fact that you're probably just going to stay awake lying in bed for god knows how long anyways, why not?

(And you would like to point out that this decision has nothing to do with the fact that you haven't seen Jay in a few days and that maybe a tiny, tiny, tiny, part of you may have missed his presence. Nothing.)

And since that logic is obviously valid (you really gotta work on justifying your life choices), you're suddenly grabbing a hoodie from your closet and hoping it'll be enough to keep you, who's merely in an old band t-shirt from high-school and pajama shorts, warm.

The breeze hits your skin the second you open the doors to your dorm's building, and you're met with the view of Jay's sleek, black BMW that probably costs more than your tuition. He waves at you from the driver's seat, motioning for you to get in.

"To what do I owe you the pleasure at this hour," you deadpan at him with a stone-cold voice as you enter through the passenger's side door, hoping your tone was enough to hide the fact that you're giddy at the fact he invited you out at 3AM in the morning. Like a high-school girl sneaking out of her house to meet up with her bad-boy boyfriend that her parents dislike.

The second you enter his car, you're instantly comforted by the warm air blasting through his vents and his playlist softly playing in the background. Jay's pajama pants and messy hair give you more than enough information to know that he probably just rolled out of his own bed as well. You don't know why, but your view: Jay in his oversized hoodie with his unkept hair in front of your dorm building at 3AM on a Tuesday night, gives you comfort in weird ways you can't explain even if you tried.

But it's obviously just your cloudy, 3AM mind not thinking straight. Obviously.

"When I can't sleep, I go on drives around campus. It helps clear my mind," he says, looking over at you to give you a quick smile before starting his car. "Plus, SnapMap said you were still awake, so...figured you'd wanna join."

"Oh so what, you're my stalker now? You're not driving to the woods to kill me now, are you?" You tease, an eyebrow brought up. Jay lets out a laugh from beside you as he begins to drive further into your campus.

"Guess you'll just have to wait and see," he throws you a wink before reverting his gaze back to the road, mindlessly driving to wherever the road decides to take him.

A comfortable silence falls in between the two of you as Jay continues to drive endless routes around your campus. You look over to the boy driving next to you and take in his features––you don't know what changed, but you no longer feel the same anger or annoyance bubbling within you when you're around him. You're not sure when this changed, but you figure it's just the effect of desensitization. After all, you've been spending so much time with him, you're bound to get used to it. Right?

"Why were you up?" Jay finally asks after a few minutes of just the two of you silently basking in each other's presences.

"Ah, you know. The usual. Endless thoughts running through my mind, stress from school, nothing new," you sign, giving him a soft smile followed with a shrug.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

You answer him with silence as you search your head for the answer.

"I don't know. This is kinda weird, isn't it?" You don't know why you get a sudden surge of confidence, but before you can stop yourself, you find yourself rambling on. "If you had told me a month ago that I'd be here driving around with you when it's nearly 4AM, I would've laughed in your face."

Jay doesn't know whether to laugh or scoff. "Is the idea of hanging out with me that unappealing to you?"

You give him a serious look back. "I mean, up until a month ago when you needed me for whatever this game is, you literally pretended I didn't exist."

Oh. Awkward.

You freeze at your own words, mentally screaming at yourself for letting the words leave your mouth. Why, why, why.

"Y/N..." Jay says after clearing his throat after a few seconds of silence.

"No it's fine, it was a joke," you awkwardly cough and direct your attention to anything else around you right now. The view of your campus' buildings zooming by. The clicking of Jay's blinker when he switches lanes. The quiet roaring of his car's engine. The nervous tapping of his fingers against the steering wheel.

The rest of the ride is excruciatingly silent as he exits the main road and into an empty parking lot of some administration building made out of glass that has too many floors for you to count.

You don't know why you feel your heart beating in your throat as Jay puts the car into park––why you feel uneasy. You slightly turn towards him in your seat, hoping to pick up any sign of well...anything from him.

You don't know why you feel a twinge of guilt––it's not like what you said was necessarily wrong. If you were being honest, you were slightly bothered by how the two of you seemed to silently agree not to mention your past all this time. You were always one to seek answers, to seek closure. You couldn't help but bring it up––Jay was your best friend during those years. For him to just wake up one day and pretend you were nothing to him hurt you, and you couldn't help but still wonder what in the world you did to initiate his actions.

"I'm sor–" You're interrupted with his timid voice, as if he was almost afraid to speak.

"I'm not good with people." He's nibbling on his bottom lip, fingers nervously picking at a spot on the steering wheel.

You're opening and closing your mouth, unsure how to respond. You're 100% positive you look like a fish right now. Good for you.

"I don't know why. Jake calls it commitment issues but in order to have commitment, people have to stay in my life. And people just...don't. They're all bound to leave at some point. So what's the point of putting in effort into relationships if they're just going to leave you at the end?"

You're stunned by his sudden confession, not having been prepared for such a heavy topic to arise between the two of you. Up until tonight, your interactions had always been light-hearted and easy––you guys got along well. You didn't know this is how he felt all along.

But you knew where he was coming from.

You knew what Jay had gone through as a child––his mother having left him and his dad when he was young. You remember when your parents had told you the news at the young age of 13, and you remember the pain and sorrow you felt for your then friend. All you wanted to do was go to him and comfort him, but he had already cut you out from his life by then.

"Or maybe I'm the problem. My dad barely acknowledges my existence because he thinks giving me an allowance is all the parenting I need, my friends probably only stick around because they feel bad for me, you wouldn't even be here if it weren't for the bet, and, fuck, I'm literally known as the campus' fuckboy," Jay continues, falling deeper and deeper into the hole he dug himself.

He hates this, he hates opening up and feeling vulnerable, so he doesn't know why he's doing it now. He doesn't know why he feels comfortable voicing out his fears and worries when he's around you. But he does know it's a new feeling––one he doesn't know how to deal with.

"Jay," you lace your voice with as much comfort as you can provide. None of this is his fault, you want to tell him. "I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry? You didn't do anything," he says with a hint of bitterness and you can't tell if it's directed towards you or the topic at hand.

You're completely turned in your seat now to face him––despite the fact that he refuses to meet your gaze, afraid that looking at you is gonna bring out the most vulnerable in him. "You can talk to me. Talking about it makes it a lot easier. I'll always be here for you, as a friend."

Jay doesn't know what it is or why, but something in him snaps at the sound of a certain word falling out of your lips. Friend. Friend.

Friends don't make his heart beat nervously whenever he's around them. Friends don't keep him up at 3AM in the morning, pondering about his feelings for them. Friends don't provide him with this new, warm comfort he's become accustomed to whenever he's around you.

Deep down, Jay knows you didn't mean to add fuel to the fire. But because he's strong-headed, stubborn, and hates how vulnerable he feels next to you, he unleashes his emotions without thinking about the destruction coming along.

"It's none of your business, Y/N. Forget I said anything. You're just a toy for this stupid game and when it's all over we can go back to our own lives and forget this ever happened."

His sudden words cut deep, but they hurt him more than you. The second the words tumble out of his mouth, he's hit with the feeling of instant regret washing over him, and the lump forming in his throat restricts him from finding the right words to take them back.

The silence that falls between the two of you this time is different. It's a cold silence. A loud silence.

Jay feels his walls coming back up around him––the ones you managed to get through––and all he wants to do is apologize but he's terrified. Terrified of seeing your reaction, terrified of losing you again. For the second time.

You tell yourself he doesn't mean it. You tell yourself that he's just enduring more pain that one should ever receive.

But you also tell yourself that this wouldn't be the first time Jay leaves you in the dust.

You tell yourself that you're foolish for ever believing a friendship, or more, could come out of this act at the end. That you're so naive for feeling those stupid, stupid butterflies you've started to notice in your stomach whenever you see, or even think of, him.

"Okay," you begin with a firm tone. You're hurt, but you refuse to show it. You won't let him hurt you for a second time. Not again.

"Just...find me when you need me. As your fake girlfriend or just...me. I'm still here for you," is the last thing you say before un-clicking your seatbelt and leaving his car, beginning your walk back to your dorm hall.

Jay is unsure about many things in life. He's unsure about what he wants to do in the future, he's unsure of where he's going to settle in life, heck, he's unsure about what to have for lunch tomorrow. But he's sure about one thing.

That he's wearing his heart on his sleeve right now, and it's all because of you.

That you've become this new lifeline and he has to choose between holding onto you or drowning.

When Jay wakes up the next morning, his first gut instinct is to get ready to pick you up for class. But today's different. Jay doesn't know where the two of you stand now, especially after last night.

Jay doesn't know how to deal with this combination of unknown emotions he's been feeling lately. They didn't come out of no where, by any means, he realizes. They've been slowly growing over the past month of seeing you so often––like a plant he's been watering overtime, not expecting it to bloom into a flower so suddenly––but he figured it was nothing more than just enjoying the company of a friend.

Until he realizes that the term friend just doesn't suite you anymore––not to him, at least. And that scares him. It scares him that you've made him genuinely smile more in this past month than he ever has in his 19 years of living. It scares him that when he's around you he can't comprehend his own thoughts, his feelings. It scares him that you make him vulnerable, that you've changed him. That you've managed to make the walls that he's spent so long building and polishing to crumble with a simple tap of your finger.

In a perfect world, Jay would have already told you all this––he would be unafraid of how you would react, unafraid of your rejection, unafraid of losing this growing relationship with you. But alas, we don't live in a perfect world. And so when Jay drives to class that day, he drives right past your dorm building.

"Where's Y/N?" is the first thing Jake questions when he enters Jay's car that morning, confused by your absence, having been used to you being in the front seat every morning when Jay goes to give Jake rides to class as well.

"I don't know," Jay mutters, unemotional eyes focused on the road in front of him, not interested in continuing a conversation that involves thinking about you.

Jake hesitates as curiosity gets the best of him. "Did you guys get into a fight or something?"

Jay's hands tighten around the steering wheel of his car. "Or something. Let's just leave it at that."

There are a few beats of silence before Jake speaks up again.

"Well, I guess this works out because I wanted to talk to you about something."

Jay continues to stare straight ahead of him, focusing on just trying to get by without mentally beating himself up at the simple thought of you.

The simple thought of you and your smile. Your witty remarks. Your stupid eye rolls. Your laughter. Your kindness. So much for not thinking about you.

"I'm calling it off," Jake's words catch Jay off guard.

"Huh? Calling what off?"

"The bet. I'm calling it off. I don't care about the textbook fees I'll have to pay next semester. Look, fight or not, you and Y/N are good for each other, everyone can see it. And I really don't want this to end up being one of those messed up teen TV shows where the girlfriend finds out the entire relationship was based off of a stupid game and then they break up and the boyfriend falls into eternal sadness and regret. And I don't wanna see you sad, dude. So yeah! Congrats," although he's admitting defeat, Jake's beaming widely, just content with the fact that his best friend has finally found happiness through the form of you. "You win."

But Jay feels like the opposite of a winner. Because even though his only intention coming into this was simply winning the bet, his life isn't as simple as it was a month ago. Because he discovered something much more valuable than some stupid textbook fees or five hundred dollars or getting his physics homework done for an entire semester.

Something he's scared he's already lost.

You.

⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺

The next time you see Jay is at the same time and place as when he first ever appeared to pick you up––at 12:17PM on a Friday afternoon, as you're exiting the doors of the lecture building home to your awfully long Capitalism in World History class. This time, however it's different.

Because this time, it's one month later, and Jay Park is no longer a forgotten side character in the story of your life. This time, you're frustrated because it's been three days since you've last heard from Jay. And because it's been three days since you've last heard from him, you can't focus on anything else, and because you can't focus on anything else, you're falling behind on every other aspect in your life. Jay's somehow managed to become the center of your life without even having to be present.

Well, up until now. Up until you go down the steps of your lecture hall's entrance and look up to be met with a figure leaning on a car you're far too familiar with. You freeze in your steps as you make eye contact with the boy you've been thinking about non-stop for the past month three days.

Your mind tells you to walk away, to just follow your flight instinct instead of fight, to just go back to your normal life. But here's the thing. Ever since Jay's made his way back to your life, it's been far from normal.

And if you're being honest, you had no interest in going back to your normal life. Normal's overrated anyways. You find your legs bringing yourself over to him, your heart leading the way.

"Hi," you simply say, planting yourself right in front of him.

"Hi."

"What are you doing here?" You already know the answer, but you want to hear him say it.

"Waiting for you," Jay doesn't hesitate in answering you. This time will be different, he tells himself.

"I can walk myself home, thanks," you state, but your actions tell differently, as you make no sign of moving from your spot in front of him.

Jay's mind contemplates telling you everything. About how he regrets that friendship-breaking decision he made that one fateful day in the eighth grade, about his true feelings, about how he first suspected these feelings when he was 11 years old and saw you in your fancy get-up for the sixth grade dance but put it off as a little crush, and about how the same feelings grew into something so, so much more in the present. But seeing that putting all these thoughts into words would involve more than one functioning brain cell (which is all he's convinced he has in the moment, for the view of you staring up at him, looking like that, has his brain short-circuiting), he settles with:

"He called it off. It's over. The bet."

"Oh."

Silence.

Okay, Jay. This is your chance. Say it.

"Is that it?" You lift an eyebrow, awaiting for more explanation. When it doesn't come, you slightly nod and start backing away. "I'll see you around then."

Is that it? Do the two of you just go back to your respective lives now? How can Jay do that, when he doesn't even recall what his life was like before you entered it––and especially when he has absolutely no interest in going back to that life?

Fuck it.

"Y/N!" He stands up straight, a newfound confidence taking over. This time will be different, he tells himself. Because now, he knows what he wants. For sure.

You turn towards him, to see him already making his way towards you, stopping in his steps when he finds himself close enough to you that he can't concentrate anymore.

"I'm sorry for ditching you in the eighth grade. I'm sorry for ignoring you since then. I'm sorry for dragging you into this stupid mess and for pushing you away and I'm sorry for calling you a toy. Because it's far from truth. I like you. A lot. And––and I'm scared. I'm scared of what this means for us, because I just keep messing things up and all I know is that I don't wanna wake up tomorrow and realize you're not in my life anymore and––"

"Woah, woah, Jay. Slow down," you look up at him, the corners of your lips threatening to curve up into a smile. "You're an idiot, you know."

Jay's never really confessed his feelings to anyone before, per say, so he doesn't really know what to expect. But he's watched enough Netflix rom-coms in this lifetime (which is still not that many) to know that hearing the words "you're an idiot" isn't what you're supposed to hear after pouring your heart and soul out. Surely not, right?

"I––I'm not sure how to respond to that," he quietly says, searching your eyes for a sign, for anything. You giggle at his sudden shyness as you grab both his arms and look at him right in the eyes.

"It's okay. I get it, if anything, I'm also scared. But you somehow got me wrapped around your stupid finger, and I hate it," you smirk at him, your hands slowly making their way up his arms to circle around his neck.

Jay's hands naturally fall at your waist as he lets out a breathe he didn't even know he was holding as he returns your smirk. "Well, I could say the same about you. And I also hate it, for your information."

"Hmm, is that so? I guess it cancels out then, right?" You smile at him as he's pulling you in so close, your head turns cloudy.

Jay grins at you, his eyes holding so much joy and endearment as they quickly flicker down to your lips before returning to your own eyes. "I guess this only means one thing then."

"Mm, and what's that?"

And before Jay can answer––and because your life's been anything but normal lately––you make the first move this time, moving your head up to close the small gap between the two of you.

His arms instinctively tighten around you as you capture his lips with your very own, and Jay swears he's about to lift off into space right now. He's on cloud nine, and he makes no plans to touch the ground ever again.

The kiss quickly becomes fervent, all the pent-up tension that the two of you had for one another finally finding its way out, all the words that were previously left unsaid finally expressing themselves. You don't even care if you're being judged by the conservative faculty members of your school right now, or by the looks of fellow students walking past the two of you.

You try your best to keep yourself from smiling as he continues to press his lips against yours, his hand moving to hold your chin, guiding your mouth with his.

Before you find yourself getting carried away, you step back to take a breath, resting your forehead against his chest as his hands rest against your back. He smiles at the sound of you giggling against him.

Jay takes a step back to take one look at you and realizes, in this moment, that change can be good. And he's willing to undergo this change. As long as it's with you.

⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺

The next morning, you bounce down the steps of your dorm building's entrance to meet the wide, bright smile of your ex-childhood-bestfriend-turned-fake-boyfriend-turned-real-boyfriend waiting for you in front of his car, small pastry bag in hand. You smile back at him.

Jay drives you to class that day.

And everyday after that.

. ⋅ ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ .. ⋅ ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ :

✰ let me know what you think! if u made it til the end, mwah :') <3

#finally finally finally #im so sorry this took so long #anyways #enhypen #enhypen imagines #enhypen fics #enhypen scenarios #enhypen oneshots #enhypen jay #jaypark #enhypen jay park #park jongseong #jay park #enhypen fluff #enhypen angst #enhypen x reader #enhypen jay fluff #enhypen jay angst #enhypen jay fic #jay park x reader #enhypen jay imagine #enhypen jay oneshot #jay fluff #jay park fluff #iland #iland jay park #iland jay #iland imagines #jay #kpop

[mageofseven]

Part 3! This is the last part, containing Beel and Belphie's sections below the cut. Please enjoy~

Part 1 | Part 2

~

Beelzebub:

Things were peaceful with the pregnancy for a while.

Even in the beginning, when MC was barely showing and faced very little issues, the sixth brother was waiting on her hand and foot

And he almost always had a smile on his face. He was just insanely happy about becoming a dad, about having a baby with MC.

He handled every thing more or less with stride.

When she started showing and the woman felt self-conscious about the fact that she was losing her figure, he'd hold her close and kiss her, telling how beautiful she was, that the belly she was growing made her no less so. In fact, it made her even more beautiful because to him, what her body was doing was a beautiful thing: growing and carrying his child, something that meant the world to him.

Yeah, he was a bit anxious about how things would go since Lucifer told them the pregnancy could become dangerous for her, but he was still truly happy for the two of them to become parents.

Unlike his siblings in the other timelines, Beel had no fears about how he'll be as a dad; he knew he had so much love to give their son or daughter and was ready to give it.

It wasn't until MC's fourth month when some concerns were raised.

MC's belly had grew at an unusual rate. Despite just entering her fourth month, her belly was roughly the size of what it should be in her sixth or even seventh month of pregnancy, according to Satan.

Beel didn't really know anything specific about pregnancy so he didn't see it as anything to worry about. I mean, he was the Avatar of Gluttony and this was his baby. MC developed quite the appetite because of this and was eating at least twice more than she used to. Surely that's all this was? And if so, the man couldn't see it as anything dangerous, at least.

Still, MC's anxiety grew over it, causing him talk over it more with the blonde to figure out if there was anything he could do for her.

And so the time came; the rune! Satan drew the rune over the human's belly to collect the data they needed.

After a minute or two of absorbing the data, the blonde raised an eyebrow.

"What is it?" MC asked.

"It... well, I suppose for a start, Beel is correct that his sin is part of the reason for the growth spurt." Satan began. "But only partly."

Beel leaned towards his brother, listening closely.

"However, there are some more difficult elements at play here." The fourth brother continued. "The most pressing being... the number."

"I... what?" The woman stared at the demon in front of her.

"It seems you two are having twins. Two girls, in fact."

Beel immediately pulled MC in for a hug. The woman cried heavy tears, but they were paired with a smile. The big guy teared up as well.

"Twins. Beely, we're having two little girls." She said from inside his arms.

"I know." The man pulled back and gave her a sweet kiss before laying both hands on her belly. "Our little girls--"

"I hate to interrupt," The Avatar of Wrath said, but of course, did so anyway. "But... do either of you realize the danger this poses to any degree?"

Beel turned back to his brother, furrowing his brow.

Satan sighed.

"Beel... one baby was going to be rough on her body, but two?" He pointed out. "Honestly Beel, she'll likely be eating at least as much as you, if not more, and that still might not be enough for her body. It's manageable now, but once she enters the last trimester, it'll be very difficult to keep two gluttony demon children fed as well as the mother they're siphoning nutrition off of faster than she can get it."

Basically, MC was going to be eating an extreme amount of food and still literally be starving. That's how Beel understood it at least.

The man looked at his girlfriend and frowned in worry. He hated feeling hungry and didn't wish that on his Muffin, but knew she'll end up feeling even worse than that.

"Is there anything I can do for her now?" The redhead asked.

"Right now... all we can do is stock up and hope for the best." The blonde answered. "Lucifer should probably be informed so things can be planned out."

And so he did. He walked his girlfriend to their bedroom so she could lie down for a bit while he went to Lucifer's study to inform him. The older brother was instantly stressed out, but let out a sigh and told him that he'll handle it.

Lucifer did warn Beel though that he probably won't be able to eat as much as he's used to because of this. The Avatar of Gluttony only nodded. If he had to go hungry to keep MC fed and alive then so be it. It was worth it to him.

As the months went by, Satan's predictions were proven true. By half way through her seventh month, MC was bedridden. Her belly had grown so big that she literally could not get out of bed on her own.

The woman was never alone though. She constantly had either Beel or Belphie or both with her to bring her food or carry her to the bathroom or cuddle her so she didn't get lonely.

What was equally as worrisome as her gravid boulder of a belly was the rest of her. The woman had lost so much weight in her thighs, arms, and face that she looked like she's been starved for years.

Each touch of Beel's was extra gentle because his girlfriend looked so fragile like this. He was afraid to hurt her even more, especially because of their girls' kicks.

The twins had inherited their daddy's strength. Occasionally, one or both of them would kick their mama a bit too hard, causing a bruise to form on her belly.

This led to lots of belly time. Beel would kiss and rub his Muffin's belly while talking to his girls, telling them how loved they are, but how they need to be more gentle with their mama.

Despite how difficult the situation was, both Beel and MC kept positive, smiling through it. After all, this was all for their little girls so of course it was worth it.

Good End:

Oh this poor woman. It took ten months of pregnancy, being a full month over due, but her twins were finally ready to come out into the world and meet their parents.

It was a long twelve hours for the couple; after all, these were two very big, overdue demon babies of gluttony being pushed out by a mom they've seriously weakened for months now. Yet despite the odds, both Mama and babies made it out okay.

Beel kissed his girlfriend's head and watched as she fed their girls. Their girls. This was really happening. Beel was a daddy. His sweet Muffin was a mama and those sweet girls feeding from her chest were their daughters, sporting his hair, eye color, horns, even delicate versions of his wings, but still had all of their mother's facial features. They were identical, unlike him and Belphie, but the demon truly hoped the two could forge just as strong of a bond together as he had with his twin.

When the two were done drinking, Beel took the one from MC's left arm and brought her into his own. Just then, a knock came to the door and it clicked open to reveal Belphie, who Beel texted a few minutes ago; he wanted his twin to be the very first one to see his daughters.

The couple smiled at him.

"Belphie, come see them." MC invited him to come closer.

The seventh brother approached the bed and gave a small smile.

"So... whose who?"

MC looked up to Beel, letting her boyfriend introduce them. The man smiled.

"This is Arsenia." The redhead stared down at the little girl in his arms, kissing her head before looking to the one in MC's arms. "And right there is Anais."

The three talked for a bit and watched the babies before MC needed to sleep. Beel laid the twins in their cribs before giving his Muffin a quick kiss on her head.

"Sweet dreams, Muffin. Thank you for everything." He smiled.

Bad End:

Twelve hours. Twelve hours of labor that seemed like it was going no where. The first baby was barely even crowning after all this time and MC was losing what remained of her strength. The woman honestly didn't know how much more she could take.

Beel felt so helpless as he watched her struggle. He was so hyperfocused on his Muffin that he hadn't even thought of food once during these twelve hours and even a non gluttony demon would be getting hungry right then.

It took another hour, but MC eventually got the head out and then the shoulders. But that was it. That was as far as she made it. She had lost the last of her strength and just... faded away at that moment. Beel couldn't accept it at first and just kept calling her name and shaking her shoulder, begging her to wake up. But she didn't. The man let out a howl of pain before collapsing on his knees in sobs. He cried for a minute before remembering his girls.

Beel quickly shot up and freed the first baby, Arsenia, from her mother's body. Anais... Anais, he never got to save. They never knew it, but the cord had been wrapped around her neck for most of the labor and she left them before even MC did.

And just like that, the Avatar of Gluttony lost his Muffin and one of his daughters. As he held tightly to Arsenia though, he vowed that he would never, ever let any harm come to her.

Beel was a loving, but fiercely protective father. His daughter handled it in stride for the first twelve years of her life, but after that, grew to really resent him. He never let her truly live her life. By fifteen, she actually ran away to the Human realm in search of what was left of her mother's side of the family, leaving a note saying that she couldn't handle him suffocating her anymore. Arsenia had succeeded in finding her grandma and Lucifer convinced Beel to just let her be for a few days. Then he came to get her and the two had a heart to heart talk.

The man didn't know how he could grow to let go more; all he knew was his fear. This was his daughter. His worse nightmare was losing her just like he did with MC and Anais. But he knew if he didn't learn then he was just going to lose her in another way. The man just didn't know what to do anymore. Not without MC, who kept him grounded. Not without MC, who he sees everytime he looks at his daughter's face. And so he was stuck feeling desperate and lost and just wanting his daughter to understand him and be happy.

Belphegor:

After the two's three month fight, Belphie was dedicated to taking care of MC.

He was an ass to her when he found out of she was pregnant and he knew it, never even denied it, but it came from a place of fear and love for his human.

Seeing just how important this baby was to her though... it was enough for him to bury his fear deep inside of himself for her. He had to; she needed him and he was not going to abandon her again.

Her second trimester was... well, let's just say he stepped in to support her at just the right time.

MC was always so exhausted and went through her days in almost a daze.

She even passed out at the dinner table one evening, face falling straight onto her plate.

Normally, the Avatar of Sloth would find this funny, but the pregnancy had him on edge.

She woke up fairly easily though. Just a couple shakes of her shoulder and the woman was lifting her head, wondering why there was mashed potatoes in her hair.

That was enough for him though. Belphie picked his girlfriend up and carried her to his room. He cleaned the food out of her hair before laying her back on the bed.

"I'm sorry..." She mumbled.

"Don't apologize, Butthead." He said softly, pulling her to his chest.

He knew she couldn't help it. In general, pregnancy could be tiring, but when the baby daddy is the literal Avatar of Sloth? Yeah, that made things harder.

The human fell asleep, barely staying conscious long enough to hear his response.

Belphie leaned in and kissed her forehead.

Even after such an early bed time, MC didn't wake up in the morning. Or the afternoon. Belphie was tense as hell, but tried to be patient.

Around 3pm, after sleeping for about twenty hours straight, the man tried shaking his girlfriend awake. But she wouldn't.

Belphie started freaking out and shaking her harder. She still wouldn't wake up.

He had to triple check that she was alive. And she was; the woman still breathed slow, sleepy breaths and had a calm pulse like any sleeping person would.

But she wasn't waking up? Why?

At some point, the younger brother wasn't sure when, but Beel had gotten up and rushed to Lucifer.

The oldest brother put a hand on his youngest brother's shoulder, stopping him from shaking the human anymore.

Belphie instantly shook the oldest off and gave him a glare.

"Stop, she's not waking up!"

"Shaking her is not going to help the situation."

Belphie was frustrated with the Avatar of Pride, but knew he was right. But what else could he do?

Lucifer did most of the talking with Beel after that. The two went back and forth on different things as Belphie simply held his girlfriend close.

Eventually, the two left the room and came back with Satan, book in hand. Belphie growled as the blonde approached the bed.

Satan sighed.

"Enough with that. I believe I know a way to figure out the problem."

And with that, the fourth brother explained step by step everything he was going to do.

The boyfriend scowled, but let the blonde do what he needed to do.

Satan opened his book and laid it on the bed. He gave a glance at the page before pulling down the blanket and raising up the woman's shirt.

Belphie growled again, but stopped as Beel laid a hand on his arm. The man then took a deep breath and just sat up, watching the blonde's movements carefully as he guarded his girlfriend. Yeah, Satan was his brother, but more importantly, that was his girlfriend the blonde was messing with. Whatever he does, he better be gentle.

The three other men watched as the Avatar of Wrath drew a rune around MC's navel. The woman stirred, making some noises in her sleep, but didn't awake.

When the blonde finished the rune, it glowed a very bright purple. The fourth brother raised an eyebrow at this.

"It's... not supposed to do that." The blonde picked up his book, rereading the passage once more.

"What did you do?" Belphie immediately jumps to the worse scenarios.

Satan waved off his words and continued to read the passage.

"It's suppose to glow green since I am the rune's scripter... however, it shows itself in your color."

The Avatar of Sloth didn't say a word; he didn't understand what was going on. He looked down at his human, whose sleep had turned a bit restless since the other man drew the rune on her.

The fourth brother finally sat down the book and reached out to lay his hand on the rune

...and was immediately shocked.

Satan cursed and pulled his hand towards his chest.

"What happened?" Lucifer asked.

The fourth brother just shook his head and breathed for a minute in order to keep calm.

"It... I seemed to be locked out." The blonde answered in a controlled voice.

"What do you mean, you're locked--"

"It means I don't have control over the rune!" The Avatar of Wrath snapped at the oldest before taking a deep breath. "Belphie, you do it."

"Do what?"

"Just put your hand on the rune; it'll do the rest."

Belphie stared at his brother for a minute before slowly laying his hand on MC's belly, right above the rune.

Suddenly, his eyes glowed as his brain was flooded with information.

Okay, first off, he learned the rune was purple because of the baby. As soon as they sensed the rune intruding on their safe place, the baby locked Satan out... apparently to protect themselves and their mother. Belphie only has access because they seem to trust him.

It also seemed that the baby has inherited their dad's protective instincts. Belphie approves.

That's not the only thing they got from him though.

The reason MC has been out cold for past twenty hours is because they inherited their dad's miasma powers, the ability that he uses with his aura to weaken people and put them to sleep

The very same power he used the night he killed MC.

Belphie wanted to curse, to scream, to aim all his anger at the little being doing this to her

But then he discovered why.

The baby... they sensed their mama's great distress, something MC had been trying so hard to hide from him.

It all went back to the first revelation; the baby was protective of their mother. They weren't just protecting her from outside forces, but from herself too.

Lastly, he learned learned that there was no single baby; there was two

Twins. A boy and a girl.

Belphie pried away his hand so quickly that he almost fell off of the bed. If it wasn't for Beel being right behind him and catching him, he would have.

"What is it?" His twin asked.

Oh dear devil, where should he even start? The seventh brother didn't even know if he wanted to say anything; he just wanted time to let it all sit within him, but he had three pairs of eyes trained on him at the moment.

Belphie glanced down at MC's sleeping face and a fresh wave of guilt washed over him. She was essentially being drugged into sleep by his kids. Once again, this was his fault.

Sensing how overwhelmed his twin was, Beel turned to Lucifer and said some things that the younger twin didn't even try to hear before the oldest and the blonde left the room, leaving the twins alone.

Belphie sat with his knees to his chest and hid his face in his arms.

Beel came up and hugged his brother.

"It's my fault..." Belphie's voice cracked.

The younger twin told the redhead everything, who listened patiently to all of it.

Beel's arms tightened around his brother.

"You know she wouldn't blame you for it." Beel told him.

"Doesn't change the fact that it's my fault..."

The twins talked together for a little over an hour. After that, Belphie fell asleep next to MC and Beel left to update Lucifer.

The conclusion? Wait. All they could do for now is wait. Satan looked into some human-safe potions that would be strong enough to wake MC if she took too long, but otherwise, waiting is all they could do.

Two days later, MC woke up in severe need of water. Beel ran to go get some for her as Belphie held her close, relief washing over him.

A few bottles of water later, MC asked what happened.

Belphie didn't know what to say. Or rather... how to tell her.

But he did. He admitted everything with a heavy heart and actually apologized to her.

Wide eyed, his girlfriend pulled him in for a hug.

"Hey... none of that." She told him. "I'm fine, I-- it's okay."

The two laid there and cuddled for a while. Belphie laid with his head on her chest, feeling it rise and fall with each breath (and being incredibly grateful for each one) as his girlfriend stroked his hair.

"So...twins?" She asked softly. "How...how do you feel about that?"

Belphie let out a sigh. How could she lay there and worry about him despite the situation she was in?

It didn't help that the demon honestly had no clue to how to answer that. How did he feel about any of this now?

He hated all of this in the beginning and he resented this baby for even existing. Since his experience with the rune and getting the chance to understand the babies inside of her... he really didn't know.

They seemed... anxious and overall just wanted to protect their mother. That was no different from Belphie himself.

His twins just... devil, he could feel his heart softening for them as he thinks over everything.

He didn't resent them anymore, but how did he feel about them? About there being two of them?

Honestly, it sounded like a hassle. Even once this whole pregnancy is done with, MC and him will have twice the responsibility; he was exhausted just thinking about it.

Still, he accepted it all.

"Dummy, you shouldn't be worrying about what I think." Belphie shook his head. "...How do you feel about it?"

Silence.

"A bit... scared." She admitted. "I don't want you to get overwhelmed again and... and leave me."

Belphie sat up and stared down at her.

"I'm not leaving you. Ever." He said firmly. "I know I was a dick in the beginning, but I'm staying with you. Period."

MC looked away.

"Y-Yeah, but..."

Devil, he had to keep her stress levels down or their twins are gonna drug her again. The demon leaned in and kissed his girlfriend before laying his head back down on her chest.

"I love you, Butthead." He mumbled. "I'm not leaving you or our kids so stop worrying."

He could feel her body relax underneath him.

Months went by with very little issues. She went through somedays with a really froggy mind and that was concerning on it's own because she was extra clumsy like this, tripping over furniture and starting little fires in the kitchen.

Belphie and Beel were always hovering around her because of this, ready to catch her when she tripped. They also took over her cooking duty and took turns. MC felt bad and said she should be contributing more, but Belphie would always silence her with a kiss and tell her she's contributing enough by carrying his little gremlins.

This made her smile because she knew he was joking. If he was able to joke about them like that then there must be affection for them underneath it all. And she was right.

Her coma-like sleeps were rare but they did happen twice more in her pregnancy. Luckily between Belphie and Beel, they were able to keep her stress down enough to where it usually wasn't an issue.

Good End:

MC had woken him up in the middle of the night. Her contractions started while she was asleep and woke her up when they got too strong for her to sleep through. Belphie woke up to her crying and clinging to him.

From 3am to 9am, a long six hours, MC labored hard till she pushed both twins out. Their son had his dad's dark hair while their daughter had MC's hair. Both had Belphie's purple eyes though. Their daughter had their dad’s horns while their son had their dad’s tail.

MC held their son close to her chest as Belphie held his daughter. He stared down at the little girl, who lightly squirmed in his arms and let out soft cries.

"Belphie..."

He looked over to his girlfriend, just to notice that he himself had been crying as he watched his daughter. The demon looked away, blushing. After a moment, he spoke.

"I know we really didn't talk about this beforehand... but I want to name her Lilith."

His girlfriend gave him a smile.

"Of course."

The two discussed it for a few minutes and decided to name their son Judas.

Bad End:

Things fell apart early in MC's eighth month. The woman suddenly just collapsed where she stood, seconds after whispering Belphie's name and trying to reach out to him. The man caught her before she hit the floor. She had suddenly fallen into one of her comas. But why? He thought his girlfriend was okay, but apparently she had been bottling some feelings up. She would have had to have been or otherwise their children wouldn't be doing this to her.

It was three days later that Belphie woke up in the night to feel that the bed was wet. Very wet. MC's water broke! She was still in her coma though so how did this work?? Even with the contractions, could she birth the twins if he she wasn't awake to push?? Belphie quickly woke up Beel who in turn rushed to Lucifer. The oldest called a doctor, who had Belphie stay outside of the room.

The youngest brother paced back and forth in the hallway, cussing, and overall more awake then he has been all of his demon life.

In the end... MC didn't make it. But the twins did. The twins survived even when his girlfriend didn't and that fact destroyed him.

For the first two years of their life, Belphie had absolutely nothing to do with his kids; Beel raised them for him. It wasn't because of what you might think. Belphie didn't resent his kids or blame them for their mother's death like he thought he would. Belphie was drowning in self-hatred because it was his fault. He believed this with every fiber of his being. He couldn't even look at his children, especially Lilith, who he saw both MC and his sister within her whenever their eyes met.

Eventually, he got his shit together, at least somewhat. He always needed help though so Lilith and Judas were raise by both their father and their Uncle Beel. Belphie was pretty laid back as a father so between him and Beel, the kids had the freedom to do just about anything. However, they grew to be a bit bratty. Good hearted, but bratty. Any time anyone other than he or Beel tried to discipline them or said anything awful to his kids, Belphie was ready to murder a bitch and slowly at that; it was a lot easier to set this man off now as a parent. Luckily, Beel was always able to drag him away and calm him down.

Those around them were always put on edge by the Avatar of Sloth's presence because of this; even the other brothers weren't sure how to interact with him somedays. Still, his kids were safe and between himself and Beel, they never went without anything. They grew up loved and protected... just like MC wanted.

He sometimes got into these depressive moods when he thought of her and couldn't leave his bed. At first, Beel would try to occupy the kids elsewhere so he could have his space and the twins didn't have to see their daddy like that. One day though, when they were five, they snuck away and into the attic room that he hid in. Wordless, the two just climbed into bed with him and he held them close to his chest.

As much as he missed MC... he loved his kids and moments like that reminded him just how important they are to him. There was once a time where he told himself that if he had to choose between MC and their kids, he wouldn't hesitate to choose her; he simply couldn't imagine how he could care about anyone as strongly as he does her. Now that they're here though, he doesn't have to imagine it; it's his reality and though he missed MC with every fiber of his being, he wouldn't trade his children for anything in the three realms.

~

Part 1 | Part 2

#obey me #obey me otome #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #obey me mc #obey me pregnant mc #obey me next gen

[dustysandwiches]

Family (TMVSTM)

Summary: Eric and Deborahbot 5000 feels like they didn't belong with the The Mitchells and run away to live their own lives

"Purple glasses woman, why did you saved me?"

"Oh come on, you boys are family now"

Family…?

It is such a complex word, too difficult to truly understand. For a robot create just to following orders, Eric did not understand it yet, though he did looked up the definition of it but despite that he plays along for the sake of his and his Pal Max brother

They're heading to the Silicon Valley, The night sky is filled with no stars but the green "fun pots" containing human to somewhere. It makes the sky lights up with green light. It is an unusual sight even for robots.

The Mitchells are really going to destroy Pal?.... If so, what will happen to the remaining robots? What if..they failed..?

The bot are lost in his memories and Net Work to find something he's looking for. It seems like he's in too deep in the system Until he feels someone shaking his shoulder part lighty

"Eric...Eric, are you there? Is your system too damaged?" A voice speaks in hushed tone

Eric turn his mechanical head to another Pal Max bot, Deborahbot 5000

His brother

"What wrong? you've been so still like you shut down. I'm…. worry"

Deborah grip Eric's shoulder part lighty. Robots isn't supposed to have feelings but they're the defective now anyway, so it's not surprising that he would express what he "feels"

The car stop at some abandoned gas station. Only Katie, Aaron and the loft of bread are sleeping in the car at the moment. Mother and The male Mitchells are inside the store for something. Eric finally answered and grip Deborah's hand back

"I'm okay, my system and outside damage is unchange at the moment. I'm sorry I didn't acknowledge your question earlier. Don't need to be worry"

"Okay… but tell me if anything is acting strange, will you? I don't want to lose you, brother...We're only defective robots here, if you're gone, what am I going to do?"

"I'll always have your back like you have mine, brother. We are going to survive, one way or another"

Eric tells what he thinks is logical to his robo brother. He let go of Deborah's hand and turned his head to Mother, who's making her way back to the car with her partner and tells her the safest route to Silicon Valley.

The car is running along the road at night. The robo brothers looking outside of the car, expanding their data about the human environment and hearing the conversation between Katie and Mother. They're talking about The male Mitchells, Rick of how he's just trying to make her happy.

Eric wants to feel this "happy" too and he wants Deborah to feel the same. Maybe it would feel really nice, like getting their system updated.

But how could they do that? They're about to went through most protected head quarter in the world right now and there's no guarantee that the plan would work but the show must go on

"Mom, what is that?"

"Oh my god!!"

The car suddenly stops, making their head jerks back, Eric and Deborah turn their heads to the front window. As the Mitchells get out of the car to stand in front of the giant building as tall as the sky.

"We're here...the Head Quarter" Eric said as he's getting out of the trunk

"Oh boy, I don't like this. Do you think we could get to the top without others noticing?" Deborah ask, stepping beside Eric in front of the car, behind the Mitchells

Slowly, Eric extends his hand to the side to his brother, knob and gears whirring while he processes his next word. Deborah immediately holds his hand and they're both looking up to the tower.

"No matter what happens, we're going to be alright"

__________________________________

The plan did not go well. The Mitchells got caught by a new robot, Pal invented. The sounds of the alarm is almost deafening, after the cable car has fell down and crashed. Deborah's vision is trying to adjust after he hits the ground. The first thing he see is the face of Pal Max bot with some face drawn on.

"Are you alright, brother?" Eric said as worrying as his robotic voice could spunds while kneeling next to him

Before he could answer, The black robot burst through and captured Mother and Rick. The Mitchells is being taken away and Deborah knows he need to help

Because they're his family now too

"Mitchells, we will help"

"Oh no no no, you won't. download new order"

Suddenly, like the virus creeping through their system. Making the robo brothers clutch their head like they're in pain, unable to take control of their body any longer.

New order appears : Capture the Mitchells

Deborah trying to break free one last time

No please I don't want to do this. Eric, Mother, Anyone…Can you hear me?..

"We're sorry, Mother"

Then, everything went blank

__________________________________

"Let's take a photo after we saved the world!" Linda said cheerily to Eric after handing or rather putting it in his hand

The battle is over the human won and the uprising is over. All of the Pal Max and the new robot has been shut down, Well almost every bot.

Eric and Deborahbot 5000 have broken through Pal's control and helped Rick Mitchells to put the video of the bread dog on, neutralizing the other robots. Now they're celebrating without them

They broke the code and helped this family save the world and now they can't even be in a photo? Eric thought but took the photo anyway. Maybe they're just too excited like humans always does.

The Mitchells tell the brothers, they can stay at home with them as a member of the family. The Mitchells welcome them, Linda teaches Deborah how to draw stuff like the Sun, the tree and other things. Rick shows them how to build a shelter from branches and leaves. Arron always talks to them about dinosaurs in his books and Katie sometimes asks them for ideas for her project. It was a good time.

Time passes and the robo brothers feels like they're more like a servant than a family. The Mitchells tells them to do things for them like chores, collecting the mails, mow the lawn and many things. Most of the time they haven't called them by their names or acknowledge them when they do something for the Mitchells. At first the brothers gladly do them, thinking it was a part of being a family but this time they had enough.

At night, when everyone is asleep. Eric and Deborah sit on a rooftop, looking into the sky. The moon is full today, shining bright along millions of sparkling stars. They come here every time they want to say something they went through each day, like updating each other. Today is different

"Today Rick called me Robot instead of my name again, I don't really think it's from force habits anymore" Deborah speaks in a quiet voice, mechanical head looks up to the shooting stars, then to his brother.

"But at least Mother let me help her cook dinner! It was really interesting, I learned how to peel a potato today, Look!"

He grabbed the potato peels besides him and held up to his brother. It's ragged, uneven and still has a big chunk of potato attached to it. Eric chuckles in a monotone like his robotic voice always does.

"That's great, Deborah. You know today Mother also let me do the laundry too! There was a lot of foam but I think I did well, Mother's face looks so surprised when I tell her I also put her bag in there too. She rushed past me so fast, I can't even see her"

"The purple bag? Oh yes, she loves that bag. Very thoughtful, Eric."

Then Deborah held out his hand, attempt to high-five Eric but they kept missing each other's hands, so they tapped their heads together gently. The glass tink softly as they did.

They looked up to the sky again, thinking about their lives with the Mitchells. Of how they've been treated lately, how they've been struggling to fit in the family and how they feel like they've been ignored.

Eric broke the silence between them and speaks in a quiet voice, hands gripping his knees tighter.

"Making our own order is great, we can do everything we want now"

Deborah nods " but why do I feel like we're doing The Mitchells order everyday"

"I understand if they haven't felt comfortable with us but they should have told us and we can be somewhere else. Not…. keeping us servants..like this.."

He looked back at Eric and asked in a hushed voice, if a robot can cry tears, his voice would be shaking like a human...but he's not human.

“I wonder if there’s any bots like us.. You know, the defectives. What are they up to? Where are they now? Do they stay with humans like us?”

“I don’t know, brother. I don’t know. I guess Pal wasn’t prepared for anything like this. She didn’t put any program for tracking other bots for us.”

“We should go find them. That way we can have our own robots family! We don’t have to listen to any humans anymore!

Deborah grab his brother shoulders part, turn his body to face him and said firmly

“You say it yourself, Eric. We take our own orders now. This is the time we can truly do that. Don’t you see? Other Mitchells except Mother didn’t treat us very well. They call us Robots rather than our names. They give orders. They got angry when we didn’t complete what they requested. They didn’t acknowledge us most of the time like we aren’t right there!”

His voice drop low and finally he hugs his brother, a gesture he saw human does to their family and the one they cared for

“We did everything together...but we’re just in the background every time..We aren’t supposed to feel emotions but I do...”

Slowly, Eric lifts his hand and hugs back tightly, mechanical gear and wires clicking as he thinks about his brother's words.

It’s true. They were in the background most of the time. They were more like a maid robot than a member of a family like the Mitchells said. Maybe his brother was right, this is not where they truly belong. They need to get away from humans. For good this time.

“You’re right. We should go”

Eric let go of his brother and stand up. Looking into the distant city, held out his hand for Deborah. They will make their own future with others, if there are any more of them left.

“Let’s go say our goodbye to the Mitchells. Though they may have treated us like this but they still help us from Pal.”

“Should we leave a letter or something?”

“If you want to, we can. Oh oh! We should put the glitter on!”

Together, they jump down from the rooftops and go inside the house. Writing a goodbye letter for the Mitchells, telling them they appreciated everything they did but they want to live their own lives somewhere else without anyone giving them orders

After sometime, they put the letter down at the dinner table with a flower Eric collected from the neighbor's house, The Poseys.

Now, the brothers stand in front of the house. Looking back one last time before leaving.

"Let's go, brother" Eric said.

_________________________________________

The sounds of the jet under their feet break the silence of the night. They jump and fly into the sky, green trails from the jet painting the night sky. They fly and fly further away from the house. Until the dawn came, they stopped at some abandoned cabin in the woods. It appears there's nobody living here for a long time.

"This place is in a good condition and I believe there's no human living here." Deborah said, feeling satisfied

"Yes, but we should look around just in case. Could you check around the cabin? I'll check inside." Eric asked while looking around and scanning the cabin with the camera on the top right of his head.

Deborah nods and goes out the door to check for anything or anyone. Leaving only Eric inside.

Eric wanders into the halls, scanning every room. The cabin is dusty and there were some traces of wild animals making a nest and shelter. Some kind of nuts and leaves were scattered all over the floor.Everything seems normal for an abandoned human cabin, until he spotted muddy footprints. It’s still wet, this only means one thing. There’s someone here.

The sound of a metal clanking from further down the cabin. It appears the sounds came from the kitchen. Eric changes one of his hand to the plasma beam shooter, being on guard and slowly walking to the origin of the sound.

#the mitchells vs the machines #My fantasy #Family (TMVSTM) #part 1

[ackernuts]

WHERE.[Erwin Smith x Daughter Reader]

𝗣𝗮𝗶𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀: 𝘈𝘥𝘰𝘱𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘍𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘌𝘳𝘸𝘪𝘯 𝘚𝘮𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘹 𝘈𝘥𝘰𝘱𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘋𝘢𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘙𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘳

𝗪𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴(𝘀): 𝘈𝘯𝘨𝘴𝘵, 𝘗𝘳𝘰𝘧𝘢𝘯𝘪𝘵𝘺, 𝘊𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘋𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩

𝗪𝗼𝗿𝗱 𝗖𝗼𝘂𝗻𝘁: 1953 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘥𝘴

It was a normal pleasant day for the Survey Corps. It's had been almost a month since they've returned from rescuing Eren and the fleeing of the traitors, Reiner and Bertoldt and been a few weeks after Historia had been crowned.

The Corps had been back on operation again after defeating Historia's father's Titan.

While most are now focusing on coming up with a plan to retake Wall Maria after Eren successfully obtained the power of Titan Hardening, Commander Erwin is on Survey Corps HQ in Trost  together with his adoptive daughter, [Name] Smith.

[Name] became a fallen soldier after she lost her eyesight in the first encounter with the Female Titan back in their 57th expedition.

Being visually impaired, she's out of duty but she's to stay in the HQ with Erwin, as per his orders.

That brings us to the present with [Name] clutching at the arm of Erwin for support as they walk towards the messhall where everyone is having dinner.

Upon arriving, the room was bustling with the cheers of the newly recruits who's oblivious of the death trap they just got themselves into.

With a blank face, [Name] ignored all the judging stares of those who doesn't know what had happened to the young ex-corporal. Erwin sat her on her usual seat together with all the higher-ups.

Hanji then helped Erwin to fetch her meal so she can eat and take her medicine. With the two of them out of [Name]'s side and the absence of the other corporal, Levi, mutters of dissatisfaction and belittling from the new cadets rung up to [Name]'s ears.

“Who is she?”

“Why is a useless blind in our ranks?”

“Who does she think she is? Thinking she can survive without a damn sight.”

“She's probably whoring with the commander.”

Having enough of the mutterings of the brats, she stood up and feel her way towards the cadets using her heightened other senses.

“What did you brats just said?” her eerie deep voice with rasp in it echoed across the room, silencing the place.

Smug chuckle of a stupid cadet then break the silence.

“You want me to repeat what I said? Ha! So you're not just a useless blind but also a deaf! Well let me repeat then! You're probably just whoring with the Commander, I mean, what does a useless blind like you doing in our ranks.”

A loud bang was then heard from one corner where the new Levi's squad was sitting, there stood an outranged Jean and Eren.

“You idiot! How dare you talk to the Commander's daughter that way?!” yell Eren with palms clenched into fist and furrowed eyebrows.

“That's a corporal you're disrespecting!” added Jean.

The cadet's smug smirk dropped almost immediately and color starting to drain off of him. The room was silence once again with a pair of footsteps rang up to their ears.

Walking back to the superior's table, Erwin and Hanji placed the trays of foods then turn to the lady standing in front of the recruit's table.

“[Name]? What are you doing?” those words fell into the deaf ears of [Name] and look straight into the cadet's eyes despite not seeing a thing other than total darkness.

“You cadet. I know you're new here in the scouts but you're not new to the military. Is that how you respect a superior?” almost immediately, the boy strung up and salute to [Name].

“You do not only bad-mouthed a corporal but also disrespect the Commander with your filthy mouth. Now receive your punishment, you're to run around the HQ and you are not to stop until I say so. I don't care if you lose your leg running your laps, after all you're not a useless blind in this ranks.” and with so much fright from the (color) haired female, he run outside without a second thought.

With that, [Name] went back to go and eat her dinner with a single thought in her mind and a doubt in her heart.

After dinner, the two then went back to Erwin's office to finish his paperwork.

“Erwin, tomorrow you're going to retake Wall Maria, right?” [Name] quietly asked.

“Yes. Also, good thing you remind me. You are to stay with Commander Shadis as we do the operation.” [Name]'s ears almost burst at her adoptive father's words.

“But Erwin, I can fight too. I can help to retake the wall.” she immediately reply. Stopping abruptly at his daughter's exclaimed, Erwin look at her with wide eyes.

“No.[Name], you're staying here where it's safe. Braun and Hoover is still out there and with Hanji's report about this beast Titan who turns a whole village into Titans, we can't risk you getting injured or worst die in there.”

“But like I said I can fight. I'm still a soldier and ---”

“[Name] you're blind! You're disabled! It's too dangerous out there. I'm doing this to protect you.--”

“So that's how it really is?! It's because I'm useless now because I can't see anymore! Why?! Back when I'm still fine, you wouldn't hesitate to give me mission after mission but now that I'm visually impaired I'm just a rug doll you're going to throw! Is it because I'm not your perfect soldier now?! That without my eyesight I'm just a weak little daisy you can pluck out of the garden?!”

“No! That's not---”

“No! It is! Don't you think I don't know that?! You think I don't know that a lot of people are waiting for me to accept that I'm good-for-nothing now so they can pull the trigger and kill me?! You think I don't know the guns pointed at me every single second?!”

Anger and hurted tears streaming down [Name]'s cheeks and Erwin's eyes filled with regret. Sighing, he walk up to his daughter and put a hand in her shoulder.

“Look, just give me more time [Nickname]. I'll put you back to the battlefield.”

“Don't call me that! Put me back? How?! Are you willingly give me your eyes? You can do that? Can you just stop pretending that you can fix everything with your gamble? Your can't do anything, you're just my adopted father anyway.”

Pain strikes Erwin's heart at the words of his daughter as she feel her way out of the office and into her own room, stumbling a couple of times before entering her bedroom.

_____

After that argument, [Name] locked herself in her room and doesn't even listen to the knock on her door by her father, bidding her a short farewell. Hours had passed and [Name] decided to get off of her bed and get ready to go visit her so-called grandpa, Cadet Instructor Keith Shadis.

Almost four days that the scouts went to retake Wall Maria and now they're back. The heroes of Shiganshina. [Name], received a letter that they found a compatible eye donor and is ready for the transplant, having her missed the return of her comrades.

Two days and the operation was successful. Her then (color except blue) eyes are now bright blue. Upon hearing the news of the operation, Hanji went and fetch the (color) tressed female and had her ride a carriage.

Much to [Name]'s surprise, Hanji hadn't uttered a single word since they took off and to her bewilderment, they stopped into the cemetery especially made for the military.

Her heart dropped at the sight of the regiment, mourning over their fallen soldiers. Frankly, she use her sight to go and look for her father that she dearly missed and hoped to apologized to.

“[Name]... I'm sorry.” she heard Hanji mumbled and ushered her to a certain tombstone where she see the name that made her whole world crumble.

There, written in the tomb is Erwin Smith. The name of the only man who have the courage to raise a meek, bruised little girl who he found on the side of the street. The very man who was so proud of her achievements, the only person who ever believed in her from the very beginning. The only one she will ever be proud to call her father.

Weak legs gave out and she fall into the ground, in front of her father's grave. Hot tears streaming down her cheeks like waterfalls. Her whole body shakes in disbelief at the loss of her beloved family. And to think that she haven't had the chance to apologise for their fight, hell, she haven't said she loved and cared for him for so long since she was six and now, she doesn't have the chance anymore.

“Who?...”

“Who is it?...”

[Name] mutters, eyes widen and lips trembling in every word. The rest of the Levi's squad, Levi and Hanji, stare at her in sympathy.

“Who was it...”

Contemplating to step forward and apologise to the crying lady, Armin ashamedly about to walk up to her when he was stopped by Levi.

“Who is it?! WHO EVER IS IT THAT TOLD YOU, YOU CAN GO WHERE I CAN'T FOLLOW YOU!!” shouted [Name] in anger, sadness and regrets.

The scouts can only hang their heads low in grieve and emptiness.

____

A week after [Name]'s outburst that forced her body to shut down and fell into a short coma. [Name] woke up and she immediately asked to be discharged to stay in her father's office and room. Upon arriving there with Hanji trailing behind her, [Name] all of a sudden, felt her whole body went numb and she fell in Erwin's office floor.

“[NAME]!” Hanji ran up to her quickly and try to assist her.

“I-I...”

“What is it? Those it hurts somewhere?”

“I- Hanji...my legs...I can't feel my legs...Hanji! I can't! My legs! I can't feel my legs.”

“Come on, let's get you back to the infirmary.” She said to the weilling woman and pick her up from the floor and into the infirmary.

“You're physically stable but it seems that you had been traumatized after all the events happened for the past weeks. Especially after loosing someone who's emotionally attached to you, it affects your capabilities to do the things you usually do with that person you always lean on. In your case, it was Erwin.” Hanji explained to the girl who's laying on the bed with a blank expression and an IV bag attached to her wrist.

“So you mean... I wouldn't be able to do the things I usually do with Dad? But... everything... I did everything with Dad. So it means I won't be able to do things even if I can see...”

_____

4 years later

The Titans are all gone and the scouts can finally venture out the outside world, with Eren's father's memories, they're able to go and see the sea that he, Armin and Mikasa always hoped to see.

[Name] is back in her old self as a soldier to make her father even more proud and to not waste the eyes that Erwin had given to her.

Once there, all of them are mesmerized by the beauty the ocean holds. Different things they notice that peaked their interest but two oddly not as hyped as everyone else, Eren and [Name].

Both are just staring off to space and muttering words to themselves.

“Hey Erwin ... Are you seeing this now? I'm sure you do. It's beautiful isn't it?... We're seeing the outside world now. All thanks to you. Ha! And stupid gambles.

I missed you Erwin. Don't worry, you're safe now. You can rest all you want.

I'll... I'll see you later Dad...Soon, I'll get to where you are now.”

The End.

#erwin smith #attack on titan erwin #anime #fanfic #fiction #reader insert #aot angst

[m1serere-n0bis]

Anyways. I don't care what the rest of you all have been doing during this but I have been trying to listen better and pray more.

For those of you who don't think that's "enough"... Sorry but I don't owe public opinion shit. The only person I owe an explanation to is God. I don't owe anyone information on what I'm doing in private. I don't owe anyone information on what I am/am not supporting financially or otherwise. If your personal opinion is that I'm not making adequate use of my voice or platform then that's rough buddy, but my voice is not the one that needs to be heard right now and also what platform? As a society hyperfocused on social media ESPECIALLY NOW DURING THIS PANDEMIC we have to come to terms that we all have lives outside of it and we don't "owe" each other ANY information about that in spite of what our culture tells us. Like if this is what "community-based policing" means, I can already tell you I hate it and it's oppressive.

For those of you who think this is a political power play, I would say those concerns are valid but there IS a REAL problem that will still be there when all the political pandering and posturing is done. And we need to fix it. Part of the reason I haven't been hyping what everyone has been telling me to hype in the name of activism is pretty much this:

Do I think it honestly matters which political party is in charge for changes to happen? No, because I do not trust the SAME GOVERNMENT BACKING THE POLICE to take the money THAT IS STILL TECHNICALLY IN THEIR POSSESSION and funnel it into the communities that need it in any way that will actually address the racism inherent in the system. HOWEVER, that doesn't stop me from listening to what my brothers and sisters in Christ are telling me are their experiences not just in a society that is supposed to have progressed past racism but in the BODY OF CHRIST itself. Because it's there, everyone. Yes, it's not overt. Yes, not everyone is actively engaging in it but if we are truly One Body then we owe it to each other to make reparations for sins that aren't ours. It's what we've been doing for the child abuse scandals, is it not? The majority of us were not involved but do we not still carry the burden of that sin simply because we're Catholic, because one part of the One Body committed this massive hurt?

So anyway. The goal of this post is not to make anyone feel bad and it is not an invitation for people to pile on me because I haven't vocally supported x, y, z. This is an invitation to listen and to pray... which should always be the first step, EVEN WHEN THERE IS AN IMMEDIATE NEED FOR ACTION. (Maybe ESPECIALLY when there's an immediate need for action.) And holy shit are we not good at that or what? 😂

1) Fr. Mike Schmitz' homily this week was an invitation for us to listen to God and let Him tell us who He is because only by doing that can we see the image and likeness of God in each other. We've lost that in our wishy-washy prayer lives that inevitably end up with us trying to force God into an earthly construction in which He doesn't belong. We try to tell God who He is because the world is too noisy for us to hear Him tell us about Himself. And that inevitably trickles down into us trying to force each other into boxes before recognizing the human dignity instilled by God in all of us. The internet feeds into that by making us faceless virtual entities, thus making it that much more difficult to recognize our humanity. I can read faceless stats for days but if I don't have ANY CONTEXTUAL IDEA where those numbers are coming from, they're empty. They're easily manipulated into whatever whoever is selling me them wants me to think of them if I don't have someone LIVING THOSE STATISTICS giving me context. Right now the media wants us to feed on the controversy surrounding BLM movement without telling us that these communities have been MARCHING IN THEIR COMMUNITIES FOR YEARS AGAINST THE VIOLENCE THEY INFLICT ON THEMSELVES and it is the same media blackout as any March for Life. The media doesn't care unless they have drama they can use to stoke more division and that's the tea.

2) Fr. Josh Johnson is on fire right now, everyone. Like him and Chika Anyanwu are two voices I wasn't listening to before that I'm thankful to be hearing now. If you're wondering how God can be good even in the midst of chaos, turmoil, and pain, this is it. If you're struggling to separate the Black Lives Matter Organization from the heart of the issue, this is how God is doing that. The Church needs to hear these voices. They have real experiences to share. They are part of the Body of Christ, and they are really hurting through these thousands of small cuts.

I would recommend listening to the Jeff Cavins Show episode Distance Amplifies Difference where he has a conversation with Fr. Josh. They both have tremendously unique WORDLY perspectives to bring to the table on the issue (Jeff Cavins is a white man but has children who are black and they live in Minnesota and are literally witnessing the heart of this first hand in the trenches, and Fr. Josh is the son of a black former chief of police) but ultimately discuss how we as a Church can work towards fixing it.

Fr. Josh and Fr. Mike's dialogue on Ascension Presents is also really top notch. I still have to finish watching it, though. 😅

I can't believe I wasn't following Chika before because as another single Catholic woman, I feel like I've found a sister in Christ experiencing the same ups and downs of Catholic singlehood (her Instagram Highlight was like HILARIOUS and also a truth 😂). Her family's small business got looted during the rioting but I believe they've since been able to shut down their Go Fund Me since people gave them enough support to get it back up and running. Anyways, I'm glad this amplification of black voices brought me to hers.

3) Fransican Friars of the Renewal Fr. Agostino and Fr. Pierre Toussaint discuss their hopes for the movement from their perspective as people of color and as servants of one of the poorest neighborhoods in NYC, the South Bronx. Their dynamic is great because Fr. Agostino is like a Gryffindor on fire and Fr. PT is like a soft-spoken, phlegmetic Ravenclaw. I understand that energy. 😂 (I'm also a phlegmetic Ravenclaw) One of my takeaways was Fr. Agostino's opinion that we can't just posture and leave it up to the government or orgs with ulterior political motives to make things right because he's seen firsthand how well THAT goes. However, all that means is that we as people of God have to dig in and do the work our own dang selves. They're also hopeful that this discussion of the police force being built on a foundation of racism will eventually lead to the discussion of Planned Parenthood being built on the same. They said that 42% of the pregnancies of the predominantly black and Latino population in the South Bronx end in abortion. 42%!!!!!!!!!!! If that is not a wake-up call that systemic racism is alive and well and we are abjectly failing women of color as a society Idk what is. But also their analogy that society is a MESS of a dilapidated house and we have to pick ONE place to start and stick with it if we really want to fix it up is also the truth.

4) Did y'all know about Our Lady of Kibohe? This is a Vatican-approved Marian apparition that appeared to three teenaged girls in Rwanda a little more than a decade before the genocide (which she warned them about). There is no one in Creation demons and Satan hate more than Our Lady, and there's no better weapon against them than the rosary. There has been a call from our brothers and sisters to rend our hearts and even if you don't see, think, or believe there is still racism within the Church, will you not pray for Mary and St. Michael to help continue keeping it that way, then?

Our Lady of Kibohe encouraged us to take up the practice of praying the Seven Sorrows Rosary. I tried it for the first time last week and I have to say, even with my super basic limited knowledge of black history in the United States, it was not hard to see how their suffering could easily be united to the sufferings of Christ and Our Lady.

I guess my conclusion is this: I have my own misgivings about blindly supporting any ol' cause that happens to be trending on whatever. The Black Lives Matter ORGANIZATION has a manifesto touting things that are contrary to the Catechism for SURE, but when my brothers and sisters in the Church are telling me they are in pain RIGHT NOW and saying, "Hey, listen... They're right about some things... These are the things and we've experienced it IN the Church..." then they deserve to be heard. We owe it to them to listen because they are a part of us. We need to expose these sins to the light instead of denying they exist or claiming to be past it. We ALSO need to be charitable to those in different parts of their journey. Is it FAIR to bear the burden of others' sins and make reparations for them? Heck no! But we do it. Jesus did it for us. We do it for our brothers and sisters in Purgatory. What's the difference for bearing it for our hard-hearted brothers and sisters on earth? Nobody is perfect but we all are made in the image and likeness of God and thus inherently carry human dignity.