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#at work i feel inferior and judged even if no one's been directly gross to me
eliotcoldwater · 4 years
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cannot Wait to get to figure out my relationship with my gender without the awful cisnormative, toxic masculinity, internalized transphobia, dysphoria goggles
#im ready to be obsessed with myself!#ive turned into a shell of a person in the past year#i need more lgbt friends#ive been exclusively surrounded by cishet ppl for so long irl#that i just. it's not even just internalized transphobia it's just. internalized everything#trying so hard to fit in that it's made me disgusted with everything about myself#i haven't defended myself at all cause my self confidence is Non Existent#like just last friday. my sister was here with his bf to look after me post op#we were watching a movie and he felt the need to go 'that's gay' in a Not Cool tone#and i couldn't do anything but freeze up and feel ashamed of myself#and my sister. in front of this cishet boyfriend who seems uncomfortable with lgbt people. asks me#'sorry if it's personal but do you want a cock'#i felt mortified and just ??? wanted to sink thru the fucking floor. and also just shout at her#like this is my most supportive family member and her bf :) i luv it here#at work i feel inferior and judged even if no one's been directly gross to me#but you can tell from some people's attitudes. esp since my job is to make sure they're doing their job!#having to go ask someone to do smth when it's obvious even saying hi to me is like stepping on some shit to them#is so much fun! esp when if you tell them to do smth. they give you attitude.#and if you try to be nice and ask. they snark back. like there's no way to win#i would want to feel comfortable to even like. put a goddamn rainbow pin or smth on my backpack#without automatically feeling ashamed of myself.#god last year at pride i couldn't rlly talk to anyone cause i just didn't feel like i fit in with all the cis lgb#cause i was pre everything (ok i had been on a very low dose of T for a month but Nothing noticable)#like the lack of self confidence i have had grosses me out and i want to be better!!!#i want to not feel so fucking scared and ashamed and inferior and gross!!! i want my pride back#the kinda pride i had like. two or three years ago! when i wasn't so highly aware of how deeply the hatred runs#i just got so incredibly scared of existing as bisexual trans man#idk it's just so sad and feels pathetic that it got to me to this level where ive just regressed#god. i feel even worse than i ever did in the closet#niilo.txt
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hotchslut · 4 years
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believe it’s the fright
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spencer reid/reader (strangers to enemies to lovers)
week one | week two | week three | week four | week five | week six | week seven | week eight | week nine | week ten
summary: y/n gets drunk and finds a new way to get under spencer’s skin. (part 2 of series. part 1 linked above.)
As the team gathered at the round table, (y/n) made a point of pulling up next to Hotch. The two had spent a lot of time together around the office in the past week and she had actually grown quite fond of him. He was patient with her and never made her feel inferior for asking questions, even the stupid ones. Everyone was always calling him uptight, remarking how he didn’t have a sense of humor, but (y/n) knew better. Although she had yet to make him break, she knew he was just being professional, and he never seemed to mind when (y/n) got a little goofy with him.
“Good morning, Hotchy,” (y/n) singsonged, grabbing his iPad from in front of him to get a good look at the crime scene photos before Garcia explained the case.
Spencer was sat across from her, twiddling that fucking pen between his fingers. “(y/n), it’s 6 in the morning, do you need to be so loud?” he whined, reaching for a sip of his coffee. 
Even after last week's long case, she had never seen Spencer look so tired. He was almost always early to work, and not once had he made a complaint about it being too early. Sure today they had been called in a little earlier than usual, but Spencer just didn’t strike her as a night owl. “Late night, Spencer?” She prodded, reaching to kick him under the table but she couldn’t quite reach.
“Why do you care about how I spend my nights, (y/n),” he groaned, palming his tired eye.
“Who was she?” (y/n) leaned forward, grinning from ear to ear, trying to read any hint Spencer gave her. 
Before he had the chance to reply, Garcia flew into the room and addressed the team, “Alright, my friends, I am so sorry, but this one is a bit of a downer.”
Without saying a word, Hotch took his iPad back from (y/n), but positioned it so she was able to look over at the screen. Luckily, this case was happening right at home in Virginia, so the team wouldn’t be completely abandoning her for the next couple of days. 
Everyone contributed to the debriefing of what exactly they’d be looking for. Even (y/n) had an idea or two. They were shot down quite fast, but it still felt nice to be involved. Once everyone was on the same page, Hotch began assigning everyone to their tasks. “JJ and Morgan, I’ll have you down with the M.E., Rossi I want you to head down to the first crime scene. Reid, you and I will go interview the suspect who’s in police custody. Being here in Virginia means I’ll have you shadow me throughout the case, (y/n).” Everyone nodded in agreement and started to head on their separate ways.
While (y/n) was ecstatic to actually have the opportunity to learn some more practical skills, she was a little peeved that it was going to be with Spencer. To her, it would’ve made more sense to send him to the medical examiner or to the crime scene; What was this high-pitched skinny kid going to do to interrogate a potential murderer? She levelled with herself, believing that no matter what happened, she could probably get a good laugh out of the whole thing.
 (y/n) was nervous as she entered the police station. She had never stepped foot in one, despite the fact she probably deserved to a few times. It made her a little uneasy to know that the highlight she was wearing had been shoplifted from Sephora just a couple months prior, so she just took a moment to thank God she had never been caught.
“What are you thinking about?” Spencer asked, as they walked side by side, trailing slightly behind Hotch.
The question took her off guard. She despised when people asked what she was thinking about. If she wanted them to know, she would’ve simply said it out loud. Besides, most of the time she wasn’t even thinking anything at all. There wasn’t always a whole lot going on up there. “This is my first time in a cop shop,” she explained, taking in the room.
“That’s surprising,” he quipped. 
 After introducing (y/n) to the sheriff, he led the pair into the interrogation room. 
“This is just like the movies,” (y/n) remarked, spinning around to look at each gray wall before heading to the one way mirror. Inside sat a man, probably larger than Hotch and Spencer combined.
“This isn’t supposed to be fun,” Spencer judged when he saw the look of amusement in (y/n)’s eyes.
After observing the suspect a moment longer, she turned to the profiler and barked, “So why did you choose to do it for a living then?”
“To help people,” Spencer replied, holding eye contact. He shrugged while speaking with a sincerity in his eyes that (y/n) didn’t feel would be appropriate to challenge. 
Accepting her defeat, she turned back to the suspect while Hotch joined on the other side of her. The three stood for a moment trying to read the man. “He doesn’t look nervous,” (y/n) profiled, though she wasn’t sure exactly what that would mean.
“Not yet,” Spencer replied, walking towards the door with Hotch following close behind.
 When he saw the agents walk in, the man grinned. It left (y/n) with a gross feeling inside. She always had good intuition when it came to people, and she knew just by looking at him that he was certainly guilty of something. Unfortunately, she didn’t have anything to actually back that up, as someone's vibes wouldn’t exactly hold up in court. 
She watched intently as Hotch and Spencer worked through their interrogation, taking mental notes of how they executed their approach. The team had previously profiled their unsub as a narcissist psychopath who viewed the women he had killed as surrogates, though they were struggling with identifying who exactly they were surrogates for. In (y/n)’s fairly unprofessional opinion, it didn’t seem the boys were getting too far. While she absolutely felt herself learning some valuable tools she was hoping to get the chance to apply later, she also found herself having fun watching unknowingly timid Spencer act tough towards this monster of a man. After about an hour of back and forth, Hotch and Spencer accepted their temporary loss and stood up to walk back into the room (y/n) was standing in. 
“Am I wrong in assuming you didn’t get too much out of that?” (y/n) tried to sympathize.
Hotch remained silent, trying to replay in his head everything he had heard. Spencer’s brows were furrowed as he looked down quizzically. His jaw hung open as his tongue ran across his lips. (y/n) could tell he was thinking hard as his facial movements and expressions seemed to be a subconscious effort. “Actually, yes,” he finally spoke. He looked up, looking at Hotch then (y/n), trying to come up with the right wording. “Yes, you’re wrong,” he swallowed before bringing his hands up to continue his monologue. Sometimes (y/n) thought the way he spoke with his hands was going to give her whiplash, but she also knew that was just her being dramatic. “He mentioned before that he was raised to respect women and would therefore never do something like this, but when we asked further about his family he retorted that that was personal and not relevant to the case. This was the only time he mentioned someone other than himself,” Spencer explained rather quickly. 
“That’s sus,” (y/n) replied in an attempt to help Spencer feel validated in the direction he was going. Instead, he just glared at her, implying she had overstepped and he wasn’t finished talking.
“This guy is proving to be a textbook narcissist. We need to have Garcia dig up anything she can on his family,” Spencer paused, making sure he truly believed what he was about to say before continuing, “I think the women are surrogates for his mother.”
Hotch nodded, gesturing for Spencer to continue. “See what Garcia can pull up before making any assumptions with him,” he explained. It was clear Hotch trusted any of Spencer’s instincts, but he still wanted all approaches to be tackled thoroughly. 
Spencer dug into his pocket and rapidly pulled out his phone and dialed for Garcia. “Hello, my pretty little brainiac, please tell me you’re giving me something to do,” she pleaded through the speaker phone. (y/n) took note that apparently “pretty little brainiac” was acceptable but “Spence” was crossing a line. In her opinion, the former seemed a little more demeaning. 
Garcia worked quickly, giving Spencer all the information he needed and then some. “I need to talk to him again,” he told Hotch, without hinting at what it was exactly he needed to talk about.
Hotch gave him the go ahead while himself and (y/n) took their positions at the window. When Spencer reapproached the suspect, he didn’t speak until he slammed both his hands down on the desk separating them, leaning far enough in that he could’ve hardly breathed out a whisper and it would have sufficed. Instead, he yelled directly at the man. 
“What the fuck is he doing?” (y/n) posed, trying not to laugh.
Hotch patiently explained the tactic and why it was going to work on this specific individual. (y/n) understood, but she couldn’t help but feel it would’ve been more effective had it been Hotch doing the screaming. Nothing about Spencer was scary. Sure he could be a little snappy, but when it came to being threatening, (y/n) got more scared walking past a group of teenagers than hearing Spencer attempt to forcefully bellow accusations.
--------
In the police station conference room, Spencer stood staring at the bulletin board, tracing his fingers across a map. Hotch was playing and replaying certain sections of the recording from Spencer’s interrogation while (y/n) sat at the desk across from him, impatiently tapping her foot. She had finished the small amount of paperwork that was ready to be processed and was fading fast from her early rise. 
“Soooo,” she breathed out. She was not only tired, but she was starting to go stir crazy in this tiny room. Hotch looked up at her while Spencer continued tracing his finger between crime scenes. “What are you going to do? Don’t you have to either make an arrest or let him go by 24 hours?” 
Hotch decided to turn this into a teaching moment, which (y/n) was not at the brain capacity to handle. “What do you think we should do?” he quizzed.
“Let him go,” she said point blank. “Dude’s weird as hell but you don’t have any evidence. Also, you have his contact information, it’s not like you can’t change your mind later.” 
“That’s not exactly the most tactful approach,” Spencer judged, not bothering to turn around to face her.
Hotch had to agree with both of them. “It might not be tactful, but she’s right. We don’t have any evidence. I think we need to rethink our profile.”
Spencer tried to hide his disappointment - The team wasn’t usually wrong, and it was never fun to have to start over when they had worked so hard. “The profile’s not wrong,” he fought. He knew that for sure, and while the man they were holding definitely fit the description they were looking for, he couldn’t argue that they could at the very least have the wrong guy.
“Hotch, do you mind if I go grab a coffee?” she asked, knowing she was going to pass out right on the table if she didn’t fuel herself soon. “Like, not the break room coffee,” she clarified. 
Needing a pick-me-up himself, Hotch handed (y/n) a $20 and instructed her to bring him back one, as well. 
Spencer finally spun around, his ears perking up at the idea of coffee, like a dog whose owner had just called for a walk. (y/n) looked over to him, and it was no surprise he was also flashing her some unintentional puppy dog eyes while he whined, “Me too, please.”
“But, Spencie, I don’t know your order,” she whined back. She took a risk with the nickname, and while he didn’t look happy, it didn’t earn her the same outburst that “Spence” did.
“Spencer, you can go with her, I’m going to go release our suspect,” Hotch instructed.
 Spencer and (y/n) walked down the street by the police station. Neither of them were sure exactly where they were going, but assumed they’d pass by a coffee shop quite quickly. As they walked on the path, Spencer tried bringing up his hand to speak, accidentally brushing (y/n)’s. “Are you trying to hold my hand, Spencer?” she joked before he had the chance to speak. Spencer grew flustered and annoyed at the accusation. 
“No-”
(y/n) laughed, loving how riled up she could get Spencer over practically nothing. “Don’t be shy,” she taunted, reaching out and grabbing his hand. 
He quickly and rather aggressively pulled his hand away. “I don’t like touching.” 
“I don’t have cooties.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure of that.” He looked down at her and smiled. It wasn’t a nice smile, however, it was one of those tight and thin-lipped smiles. The kind that showed her that he was proud of himself for his bitchy remark.
She laughed again, showing him she wasn’t actually offended. Pissing off Spencer was fun and hearing the often well-spoken and put together doctor stoop to her level was the highest form of entertainment for her. Her intention was never to create a hostile work environment, and she definitely didn’t want Spencer to hate her, despite how much she disliked him. Nothing she had said had been a lie. She found him to be incredibly annoying and everytime she thought he was growing on her, he would go off on one of his statistics tangents that made her want to rip her ears off. Although, being around Spencer wasn’t necessarily the worst thing in the world, but it wasn’t because she liked him. It was because she loved making his day a little worse by annoying the hell out of him. She knew that probably made her a bad person, but she couldn’t control it. He made it so easy. She figured as long as it didn’t escalate to them going home at the end of the day crying and that they were able to remain at least kind of professional around each other, there was really no harm in having a little fun. 
 -------- 
Spencer was right. She hated to admit it, but it was something she was going to have to get used to. The case closed in just under 2 and a half days and the whole crew had just finished handing their reports in to Hotch. It turned out the man they had been holding had, in fact, been a psychopath, but when the true unsub claimed another victim as Hotch was releasing him, it was evident he was not the man they were looking for.
(y/n) was the last one to hand in her work and saw everyone packing up as he headed down the stairs to the bullpen. “I am exhausted,” she practically yelled on her way over to her desk. She didn’t know how the rest of the team did it, she was hardly involved and the case had taken a significant toll on her energy levels. “I love almost all of you, but I cannot wait to not talk to anyone until tomorrow.”
“Almost all of us?” JJ pestered.
“Spencer’s got some work to do,” (y/n) explained, looking over at the boy who refused to give her more than an eyeroll in response. If he was being honest, he was getting pretty sick of always being the butt of her jokes. He wondered if it would kill her to just leave him alone for 5 minutes. He didn’t care that they didn’t get along, he knew he wasn’t going to get along with every person he met, but there was no reason for her to have made that comment. 
“Well, I’ve got some bad news for you, (y/n),” Garcia chimed in from her position sitting on top of Derek’s desk. 
(y/n) threw herself into her chair dramatically. “Not another case already,” she groaned, looking up at her.
“No, no, don’t worry,” she soothed her with a chuckle, “Rossi’s buying everyone drinks at O’Keefe’s AND since you’re new to the family, you haven’t had a night out with us, so you have to come.”
(y/n) had never heard of O’Keefe’s, but if there were going to be drinks she didn’t have to pay for, she was without a doubt going to be there. A new burst of energy rang through her body, as she quickly stood up and threw her purse over her shoulder. “So what are we doing here?” she asked. 
The whole group celebrated as they began walking towards the elevators and towards the bar. They hadn’t had a night out in what felt like forever, so each of them were determined to make the most of it.
 “May I suggest,” (y/n) spoke loudly with a sly grin, “a round of shots since it’s, like, my first night out with the gang?” 
Everyone was seated around a fairly small table that they had to pull extra chairs up to. (y/n) was squeezed between Spencer and JJ so tightly that her legs were touching both of them. She didn’t think anything of it, in fact she hardly noticed. That’s what happens when 7 people fit around a table for 5. Spencer on the other hand, grew incredibly uncomfortable.
“A round of shots it is,” Rossi exclaimed, waving a waitress over. “Seven shots, please,” he asked once she arrived.
“Six,” Spencer spoke softly.
(y/n) turned her whole body to face him and in doing so, unintentionally placed his leg ever so slightly between her thighs. “You’re getting one, what the fuck?” 
He tried not to squirm at his discomfort. “I don’t drink.”
“Like, ever?” (y/n) laughed, only slightly judging him. She knew people had completely valid reasons for not drinking, and under normal circumstances she would never pry or pressure, but nothing regarding Spencer was ever a normal circumstance. 
“Not really, no,” he shrugged. Noticing that wasn’t good enough for her, he continued, “Every so often on special occasions.”
“Is this not a special occasion?” she asked, turning her body back to receive her shot. She noticed everyone had one, one had even been slid across to land in front of Spencer. 
He laughed at her, too quietly to hear, but anyone could see it. It was one of those moments where he had to rethink where it was he stood with her. Every single thing she said was enough to make him want to scream in resentment, but she was so fucking charming about it all. “Because it’s your first night out with us?” 
“Because it’s my first night out with you!”
“Not good enough,” he said, sliding his shot away from him again.
JJ peeked over (y/n) to get a good look at Spencer. “C’mon, Spence, are you going to do it or not? We’re ready to go!” 
Suddenly (y/n)’s whole demeanor changed. Being seated with a group of profilers, she didn’t want anyone to notice, so she tried her best to smile along, but she was mad. She was infuriated. Though, she didn’t know why. Why could JJ call him “Spence” when she couldn’t? It wasn’t just that she couldn’t, it was that he got mean when she did. She wasn’t sure why this was affecting her so much. She realized JJ and Spencer had been friends for years before she had even entered the picture, but something about it still stung. Frustrated with herself for allowing herself to even care, she decided it was time to drink. And hard. “It’s fine, I’ll take yours for you,” she spoke, reaching across him to grab the shot, refusing to look at him.
 As the night carried on, (y/n) could feel herself getting a little too drunk, but she didn’t mind. It wasn’t just because of Spencer, either. She was feeling genuinely happy as she conversed and joked around with the rest of the team. She hadn’t known them very long, but they were so welcoming and friendly, she felt perfectly at ease. 
Everyone else seemed to be feeling the effects, too. Rossi and Hotch had left about an hour prior, but not after loosening up a bit themselves, which was fun for (y/n) to see, considering how they usually were at work. Derek was at the pool table trying to pick up girls when JJ looked to Penelope and invited her up to the bar to get another drink, leaving (y/n) and Spencer still seated. 
“Hey,” (y/n) began, naturally putting her hand on Spencer’s thigh to address him, “Let’s go play darts.”
Spencer obliged, but mostly because he didn’t want to just sit there at the table trying to converse with an intoxicated girl who he didn’t necessarily enjoy the company of even when she was sober. Maybe he did need a drink to get through this night.
 “I’m really good at this,” she slurred, throwing the first dart. She was right, she almost got a bullseye first try. Luckily, Spencer wasn’t bad himself. At least this meant it would be a fun challenge for both of them.
They mostly played in silence, which (y/n) never found awkward, but Spencer grew anxious. “So, you got Hotch tonight,” he remarked.
“What do you mean?” She scrunched her nose up, completely unsure of what it was he was referring to. Trying to rack her brain for what it was, she stumbled slightly, grabbing onto Spencer’s shoulder for support, just in case. “Sorry, sorry, you don’t like touching,” she apologized, immediately letting go. Usually she wouldn’t apologize for making him feel bad, but she understood where anxiety around touching could stem from and didn’t want to cross any non-verbal lines.
“It’s okay, just don’t think so hard, you’re going to hurt yourself,” he spewed. He knew she was just holding on for support, so he wasn’t exactly mad about it. An apology for all the leg touching might go a long way though. 
Any trace of a smile on (y/n)’s face disappeared. The last thing she wanted to hear in that moment was a dig at her intelligence. Suddenly she wasn’t feeling as bad about getting handsy.  
“I just meant you cracked him tonight,” he explained. When she didn’t reply he could feel himself burning up a little, hoping he hadn’t completely missed the mark. “That’s what you’ve been trying to do isn’t it? Make him laugh?”
Suddenly (y/n) forgot about being offended. The alcohol was definitely screwing around with her emotions. “Yeah, how’d you know? But, like, tonight doesn’t count. I’m wasted, he was drunk… It doesn’t count. I’m going to make him crack in the office,” she delivered almost like a dramatic monologue. 
Spencer laughed. He would love to see that. The pair continued with their game as Derek walked over to join them.
“Nooo!” (y/n) yelled as she saw him approaching. “You struck out?” she asked, part sympathetically and part sarcastically, placing a hand on his arm.
Spencer noticed the gesture and thought about how now that Derek was here and she was self-described “wasted’, she was just going to start putting her hands all over him. He just hoped that meant he was safe.
“No, actually,” he corrected her, “The ladies were just heading to the bathroom. I thought maybe boy genius here would like to join me when they come back.”
(y/n) grew ecstatic at the idea. “Baby boy gonna go get his flirt on?” she teased. She had seen the girls Derek was talking to and they were HOT. Way out of Spencer’s league, that’s for sure. Which, if (y/n) was being honest, might leave Spencer emotionally bruised after a night of trying to talk with them, but for her, it was going to be a hoot.
“I’m okay, thank you,” he told Derek, pursing his lips.
“Oh, come on! Don’t you want to impress them with some magic tricks?” Derek baited.
“40 year old virgin over here,” (y/n) told Derek, causing the both of them to snicker.
Spencer on the other hand, didn’t find it as funny. “I’m 33,” he reminded them.
“Still a virgin,” (y/n) mocked.
He wasn’t sure why this made him so upset. It’s not like his sexual life was any of his coworkers business. He couldn’t hide the fact he was slightly humiliated, however. “No, I’m not, thank you.” The way he spoke, hitting each consonant, would’ve been enough to make (y/n) ears bleed, had she not been currently inebriated. 
Derek knew this, of course. Derek was probably the only person besides Spencer who was familiar with the ins and outs of Spencer’s kind of existent, but not exactly exciting sex life. 
Seeing Spencer getting all worked up over the subject of sex was filling (y/n) with a kind of seratonin she hadn’t felt in quite a while. He said it himself, he was 33, so why did the subject get him so rattled? Just then, the girls exited the bathroom and walked back over to the pool table. “Spencer, if you don’t go try to fuck one of those girls then I will,” (y/n) said, eyes not drifting from the two girls.
“You don’t have to talk about them like that,” Spencer complained.
At this point, the alcohol had completely settled in, leaving (y/n) without a care in the world about what she did or said. “But they’re so hot. Look at them,” she pleaded, waving her hands to prompt Spencer to turn around. 
He knew they were pretty, but he wasn’t exactly in the mood for trying to pick someone up when he knew they were cooler than him and that it probably wouldn’t end well for him. 
“Don’t you just want to take them home, rip their clothes off, and dominate the hell out of them,” (y/n) asked, finally turning back to face him. She could tell he was trying to suppress any emotions, which clearly meant it wasn’t working out well for him. Knowing she’d be able to get him completely riled up, she didn’t want to quit. “They’d probably sound so fucking good moaning underneath you while you took control. C’mon, Spencer, I’ve seen you take charge. I bet you want to slam them onto a table like you did with your hands in that interrogation room the other day.” She was lying through her teeth. There was no way Spencer had a dominant bone in his body. Sure, he faked it well enough on the job, at least sort of. In the bedroom though, she knew this boy had to be all missionary all the time.
Spencer was thoroughly embarrassed. Conversations revolving around sex were generally a no-go for him anyways, but hearing someone talk about him, did anything but turn him on. He was done and he wanted to go home. Besides, it was going on 1am and all of them had work the next day. “Let’s go home,” he finally said. He didn’t want (y/n) to see how uneasy this conversation was making him, so he decided to just drop it completely.
“You want to take me home?” (y/n) faked flattery. 
“I’ll take that as my cue to go,” Derek said, leaving to join the girls by the pool table again. He knew they weren’t actually going home together, but he would’ve used anything as an excuse to get away.
“That’s not what I mean,” Spencer exhaled, feeling her getting under his skin worse than she had before. “I mean you’re embarrassingly drunk, it’s late, and we both have work in the morning.”
(y/n) didn’t want to leave. She was having fun, but she knew he was right. “Will you drive me home?” 
“I don’t drive,” he told her. He was just going to leave it at that, but no matter how much he despised this girl, especially right now, he wasn’t just going to leave her drunk in the bar with no way of getting home. 
“What, you want me to drive then?” she half joked but with a little too much anger in her tone.
Spencer was exasperated. She was impossible. “We’ll share a cab,” he tried to reason.
“No, I hate cabs.”
“What? Why do you hate cabs?” He started doing the thing where he overused his hands and spoke at an extremely high pitch. He was simply overwhelmed. “You want to take the subway with me?” he finally asked, thoroughly vanquished. 
“I think that would be fun.”
He rolled his eyes and turned to walk towards the door. Shocked by how quickly he was moving, (y/n) rushed after him to catch up. 
 She had had fun that night. If anything, she was happy to have a new way to get at Spencer and couldn’t wait to get to work and grind his gears a little more the next day. As they walked silently to the station, Spencer occasionally held his arm out to make sure (y/n) was balanced. Even if she was doing fine, he got nervous. The events of the night kept replaying in his mind. It was one of those nights where he cursed his eidetic memory. Meanwhile, (y/n) couldn’t stop thinking about the irony of everyone calling Hotch the uptight one, when it was really Spencer who couldn’t seem to let loose. She was going to have to change that.
“Hey, Spencer,” (y/n) intruded on the silence as they stood waiting for the train. 
“Mhm,” he replied, still relatively lost in his own thoughts.
“Do you know you’re hot?” she pondered. 
That was enough to get Spencer out of his head and into the moment. “What do you mean?”
(y/n) groaned, “Do you know you’re hot? What the fuck don’t you understand?”
Spencer swallowed nervously and placed his hands in his pockets, thinking of what to say. Truthfully, he never really thought about it. It didn’t exactly matter. He definitely had days or weeks of feeling self conscious over his looks, but who didn’t? “You know,” he began, and if (y/n) wasn’t so far gone she would’ve picked up on his nervousness, “1 in 10 men actually think they’re hot.”
“So, do you?” she continued to pry. She looked up to him and while he could feel her trying to catch his gaze, he just kept looking ahead. “I would totally go home with you if it weren’t for your personality.”
“Thank you, (y/n), that’s great to hear - That it’s not my looks which are the problem, but my personality.” He was clearly offended, but she didn’t understand exactly why. She had spent the past two weeks telling him how annoying she thought he was. 
“Don’t be such a little bitch about it,” she exclaimed, “I think you’re annoying but everyone else seems to love you.” While there may have been a sort of backhanded compliment in there somewhere, the way she spoke would suggest otherwise.
Neither of them spoke for the next few minutes until the subway arrived. When it finally did and the doors opened, (y/n) grabbed his hand to lead him on. She didn’t understand that they were having a fight. Spencer shook her off of him as he followed her, but for the rest of the ride to his stop, he couldn’t stop thinking about what would’ve happened if he had just let her hold his hand for those few moments.
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valkerymillenia · 4 years
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Umbrella Academy
season 2, episode 8
Once again- live blogging my thoughts and reactions in one post to avoid spamming.
So this is how the FBI gets their hands on Vanya, huh? Seems most fan theories were wrong.
Oh, Sissy's last name is Cooper!
I did wonder about that -how did remember her name despite forgetting everything else? If she knew her name then she should have been able to remember other little fragments.
Of course the feds focus on the fact that her name is Russian. Cold war bullshit. I guess they think she's a spy or since Russian sleeper soldier or something.
"I'm not Russian" -you kinda are though 😅 Tatiana was Russian and gave birth to you in Moscow sooo...
DID VANYA JUST SPEAK RUSSIAN?!
Is that one of the 7 languages that Reggie all the siblings or....? Does it... Does it have something to do with her powers or her birth place?
"simple-minded boy"? FUCK YOU.😠
"communist threat" there it is 🙄
Oh no, she's losing her cool. Here come the powers... I keep wondering how she does that 'sucking the life' out of someone thing. 🤔
That's a lot of puke.
Poor Five, he's starting to crack under the stress.
Why is Ben gagging? He's dead, he shouldn't be able to feel or smell the puke.
Loving Robert's real curls starting to show.
"I regret nothing" -hmm.... Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.
"there's a giant dead white boy on my couch" 😆
"Oh, I see. It's gonna be one of those kind of nights, huh? So are we burning or burying?" -this is why I love Klaus! He doesn't even flinch, he doesn't care what happened, he doesn't ask, he just immediately decides that he's going to help his sister get rid of a dead body like it's the most natural thing in the world.
Although, it would be interesting if Klaus actual saw the Swede ghosts too. I just want Klaus to be seeing ghosts everywhere again, ok? I want that struggle from season 1 to be brought back and not swept under the rug for plot convenience. As a writer, if you make something an important character trait, you stick with it and they haven't done that with Klaus, they are half-assing his struggle with his powers.
It's the Swede really going to...? Oh good, saved by the cat.
Oh! So that's what "lavender" means! I was right, it was the perfume, it was probably obvious but I'm a little dumb.
Ah! Lila is trying to hire Diego for the Commission???
Diego is so confused.
"colorful history" sounds so wrong and sexual 😣
Diego is so full of bullshit. His loyalties absolutely lie with his family, he's just too defensive to admit it.
Reginald FRAMED Pogo's family drawing? So he's a better dad to the chimp than his own kids, huh?
THE TELEVATOR!!!!!!! PLANS FOR THE TELEVATOR!!!! I love comic references, please tell me we'll see a real televator in the show!
So Reggie really is planning something about JFK...
"are you involved in something nefarious?" "Quite often. Did you have something more specific in mind?" -at least he owns it 😆
"shaggy man" -ah! Poor Diego!
Reggie really loves this Grace, huh? But she has a point.
Five is losing it a bit, huh?
The baby powder 🤣
"I have to find myself" -RIGHT! I was wondering when this would come up! Old!Five was there for the JFK thing so Five just has to find his old self and his briefcase in order to correct all this mess. More comic references!
"arguably the most dangerous assassin in the time-space continuum" -DAMN RIGHT 💯
"paradox psychosis" 🤣I know it's supposed to be super serious but the symptoms are so funny...
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"a spotter? What is that? Like a wingman?" 😆 This parallels that "Body man? What's that? Like a masseuse?" line in s02e02 where Five is the confused one.
Five, do you really think your brother can stop you if you spiral? Because I don't.
Luther doesn't have a great attention span, does he?
Harlan's drawing is interesting... I get a feeling it's important.
Shit, they are torturing Vanya!! This is so bad!
LSD? LSD?????? No, that's a terrible idea with her powers!!!
Eeeewwwww the eyeballs! 👁️
That's a hell of a bad trip... The way the music makes with the visuals reminds me of my synesthesia though.
Oh! So this is where the scene of all the adult siblings in the Academy uniforms is from!!! (I remember someone saying it was Diego dreaming of having a drugged hallucination in the asylum, they were pretty close! It's Vanya drugged by the FBI instead!)
"I get you" -that is not the face of a person that gets this at all, Luther!
"Don't freak out." -like that ever worked 😆
Lila trying to have her cake and eat it too with her mom and Diego.
That informational video 🤣🤣🤣
Free coffee! Weekly donuts* (*fees apply)! Wow, so tempting 😒
"whatever your skill, education, or comfort level with moral ambiguity (...)" 😆
Are the Fives just having a staring contest? 🤣🤣
Ah! How can Five be bitchy and aggressive to HIMSELF 😆
"all those years on the apocalypse, we never stopped working about our family." -why does Luther look so damn surprised to hear this?? Why the hell does he think Five is doing so this for?!
Wow, Five is really bitter about his body, isn't he? He's making old!Five so nervous 😅
Oops, there's stage 4 for old!Five!
And there's stage 3 as well and stages 5 and 6 for little!Five.
I get a feeling Five doesn't really have the accurate calculations, he's just lying and using the originals.
"I don't trust him!" -he's... He's you...14 days ago! How do you not trust yourself?
"but he's you" "exactly" 🤣🤣🤣
I'm so afraid how what Diego is going to do. I get a feeling hell fuck up trying to be a misguided hero again...
"I'm Diego. I have a knife." 😆
"it's very shiny" 🤣
So Diego is a legend, huh? 😏
"there's been a coup d'etat" "what's that? Cadillac?" -don't play dumb, Diego, I don't believe for a single second that you don't know what a coup is.
So the new apocalypse WAS Vanya's fault but by proxy (actually more the FBI's fault), she was just a small domino. So literally the only one that didn't actively do anything to impact the timeline ends up being the one doing the most damage (again)? PLOT TWIST!
Oh no, DON'T GET ANY IDEAS ABOUT YOUR SISTER, DIEGO! YOU SAW HOW BADLY THAT ENDED LAST TIME!
No, I refuse to believe "she will always be the bomb" 😠😠😠😠
LOL, hi, Dot!
NO! LUTHER, YOU MORON! DON'T GIVE HIM ALL THAT INFO! YOU'LL CHANGE EVERYTHING AND CEASE TO EXIST!!!
These dumb siblings exhaust me
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"little jerk-off" -why are you insulting yourself, you weirdo? 😆
Old!Five with all the PP symptoms and yet he says he never felt better in his life 🤣
"you're getting paranoid" -you both are, and sweaty, itchy and gassy. All that's missing is the homicidal rage at this point 😅
Vanya's hallucination shows us a twisted paranoid view she has of her siblings and it's very interesting:
-Ben is protective, defends her, he can do no harm, probably because he died young so nostalgia blurs her memory of him
-Allison defends her but is also arrogant and condescending, speaking as if she's implying that Vanya is weak, probably because Vanya feels that Allison is perfect and has an inferiority complex
-Luther is just as arrogant and looks down her, calling her lazy, but does so without malice (more mockery than anger)
-Klaus is accusing and suspicious but still on the fence and excitable, probably reflecting Vanya's own doubts and how she herself sees Klaus
-Five just stares, judging and silent but unable to look away, probably because she trusts him but she also doesn't know him, there's the same nostalgia effect as Ben but because Five came back (to stop her) the inferiority and fear of judgement is still there
-Diego is completely different, awkward and detached, this one is the most interesting because he's one of the people that was most vocal and mean against her in season 1 but apparently she sees a kindred spirit in him to an extent, either that or she fears she means nothing to him
Maybe I'm overanalyzing again...
I totally predicted the dishes would be brains but it's still gross.
Ew, the chewing... 😫 It's giving me the creeps.
Why is she seeing Harlan's drawing? She was gone already when he made that particular drawing (I knew it would be important), is she connected to him now??
And how does she remember her own birth??
Holy shit, Harlan is feeling Vanya's pain!!!😲😲😲
"why are people so much heavier when they're dead?" "You got a lot of practice at this?" 😅
Ben and Klaus conversation actually makes me feel a bit better about the possession but it makes no sense at all 🤣
Poor Ray keeps meeting in-laws in the weirdest situations 🤣🤣🤣🤣 his face! 🤝
Ray is having a nervous breakdown 😣 poor guy...
The moment Lila notices Diego is missing, the intercom chimes "Loyalty isn't a choice, it's a lifestyle" and if that isn't foreshadowing for Lila choosing sides then I don't know what is.
This is a really painful way for Vanya to recover her memories but it's so well done!
Holy shit... 😳
Klaus asking the real question here. She's being tortured, Klaus, go help!!!
HOLY SHIT! HARLAN HAS VANYA'S POWERS NOW?!
No, no, no,no, no, no nononononono! This is so bad! A child with a disorder that makes emotions hard to regulate suddenly having an apocalyptic level of power that connects directly to emotion is just a recipe for disaster!
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