#bc I felt SAD writing this

[thegoldencontracts]

A Touch Too Far

Summary: You've discovered a lovely way to make Azul comply with your wishes. Too bad it doesn't go well.

Notes: Trigger warnings for toxic behavior and hurt no comfort, threats of breaking up with someone/ emotional blackmail, and the reader isn't necessarily toxic but their actions here definitely are, putting the rest of the fic behind a cut esp now in case anyone is triggered or just in general uncomfortable with these topics.

Break-up pranks. You'd seen them all over. Girls threatening to breakup with their boyfriends, boys threatening to break up with their girlfriends, and whatnot. Everyone always seemed to be laughing at the end.

So, you decided to try it. Apparently, people'd do anything to avoid their partners breaking up with them. And maybe that would finally break through Azul's ridiculously stingy heart. After all, if he couldn't even make the barest sacrifices to keep you, did he even care?

...If you were being honest, you wondered that. Sometimes, it seemed like he cared more about his contracts than you.

So, one day, when he'd denied your request to help you study once, you tried it out.

"Let's break up," you said. "Clearly, since you don't even care enough about me to do this one thing, we really aren't meant to be."

Azul's eyes widened, just like the eyes of whoever was pranked did before the big reveal. Next, he'd ask why, or may e ask if there was anything he could do to change that.

But that didn't happen. Instead, his eyes narrowed, features turning sharp, jagged.

"I-" what little softness was remaining in his expression quickly vanished, replaced by something cold. "I suppose that's just for the best, then. Farewell."

"Leave my office, if you'd please," he said, and you felt your heart sink. Your relationship was over, just like that.

That was it? Didn't he even care, didn't he even want to keep staying with you?

"Wait, Azul, it was-"

Wasn't he sad? Why wasn't he showing something, anything, any emotion?

You'd expected him to give in to your terms, if you were being honest. He probably wanted to keep you somewhere deep down inside. But he didn't.

If you were being honest, though, you could feel the regret hitting you like a truck. Weren't those videos all staged? Really, you shouldn't have done that.

But none of that mattered anymore. Because he clearly didn't care either way. He just wanted to get rid of you, and you'd given him the perfect chance.

If only you'd done better - now or before. If only you could do anything to salvage this now completely shattered relationship.

As you left the VIP room, you could faintly make out a high-pitched sobbing.

#twst x reader #azul ashengrotto #twisted wonderland #azul ashengrotto x reader #tw: emotional manipulation #<- well attempted #azul x reader #twst #twst azul #azul ashengrotto x you #azul x you #angst #twst angst #i might make a part 2 later ngl #bc I felt SAD writing this

[sortasick]

💊❤️‍🩹 some fluffy mushy kanetetsu to SOOTHE MY ACHING HEART

#akira #akira 1988 #kaneda shotaro #kaneda #tetsuo #tetsuo shima #kanetetsu #my art #i will go down with this ship #here’s some fluff to ease the blow when I drop the angstiest most fucked up and sad art of them #I guess this also has a dash of angst bc I can’t resist #imagine if they had actually admitted that they felt ~emotions~ fuckin repressed ass traumatized boys #I could write a lot about them

[theflyingfeeling]

...😭

#i've never had a job in my own field that i've liked as much as i've liked my current one #the semester is ending soon and today i heard my contract will not be renewed bc the person i'm substituting will return to work after all #i've been feeling so tired and a bit poorly after the nokia arena show and i probably should have called in sick today #as i was absolutely useless today #and then after my only class today my students came to me with a gift?? 😭 #a pink enamel moomin mug and some chocolate and a paper on which they had written nice things about me + a drawing of a dachshund 😭 #and i burst to tears right there in front of them because i was so touched (and also because i'm just really really tired and emotional) #i'm so tired about having to apply for new jobs and having to start all over again #i'm so tired of having to do shitty short-notice substitutions again #i feel like i deserve better than that but on the other hand i fee like life's giving me exactly what i deserve and maybe this is it #i'm dreading the summer because idk if i'll have a job to go to in the autumn #and even if i did find something it won't be like the job i have now #also. it's may day eve and the weather's lovely #and i'm hiding in my apartment with the curtains closed so i won't see all the people going out and having fun with their friends #for me may day eve has never been like that. i've always felt so very excluded from those celebrations #on top of that i got yelled at by a bus driver and i'm the worst friend that ever existed #i'm trying to quit on whining about my sad little life but it gets so lonely #please know i'm not writing this for attention or pity. i know y'all have problems of your own and i'm just being a dramatic crybaby

[okitanoniisan]

new rgg fans will never know what they missed back in ye olden days of the fandom (like, 2019), doubly so now that scott strichart's deleted his twitter and jon riesenbach's privated. twitter was so fucking fun and then whatever-the-hell at sega of america happened and caused a fucking snowball effect and now we have shitass localization and resulting discourse that makes every release nigh unbearable, misinformation, confusion, people complaining about "bad writing/mischaracterization" not realizing it's because of the shitass english loc, i'm sitting here like jesus christ these loc bitches massacred saejima's character voice, people will never see him as he was intended, as original yakuza 5 localization Correctly painted him, and now they're coming for kiryu. god help us. we used to be a proper fandom. before everyone was subjected to the remastered localizations and shaky eng characterization. no one had even played yakuza 3-5, people still called morning glory "sunshine" orphanage, kiryu was our only protagonist and people still called him "boring", it was beautiful...

anyway gaiden uses affective instead of effective because the current localization team is full of careless dumbasses who don't give a fuck about ensuring they're using correct english grammar and this is not an isolated incident

#ada speaks #ive been playing through the series again from 0-5 and. yeesh #it goes from LIFE IS GOOD. LOC IS GOOD. to. oh. #yakuza 5's original localization is near perfect and they couldve made it better but instead #they opted for the cost cutting approach and decided NOT to retranslate and instead #just fucking. re-localized the localization and SO much is wrong. so much. #im playing simultaneously with a friend (myself on ps3 them on pc) and seeing the differences #and it happens in y3r and y4r too where #the original line is localized > the remastered line takes it and runs with it bc they have no original translation context #ie. in 3 rikiya says he likes 'wild' dancers. (re: strip club) it gets localized to be him liking 'aggressive' dancers. #in 3 remastered he says he likes AGGRESSIVE DOMINEERING WOMEN and that gets his Gears Turning #or. in 5 shinada says that uno is 'a little sad up top' re: his hair. and 5 remastered he says 'kinda mopey' #because they misunderstood the original english loc and so. completely fucked up the line to mean something else entirely #its like broken telephone #the same is SOMEHOW also happening in 8... i dont know HOW but somehow it fucking is #meanwhile im revisiting zero and going OH YEAH GOOD CHOICE. THAT MAKES SENSE. GREAT WRITING. WOW THAT'S AN A+ INTERPRETATION OF THAT LINE. #i miss the old loc team so bad. bring me back. #its mostly frustrating because i can see the shitass eng writing and still enjoy the game beneath it (unless it's not voiced.) but #i feel so bad for everyone flying blind and forced to take the loc at face value #its been like this since lost judgment but the main story was Fine (if a bit rushed) because. scott was still doing his thing #the substories in lost judgment also felt like they were of the same calibre (shit.) as remastered and. idk. #it seems like its been a shitshow at SoA behind the scenes for Years #and it shows.

[kitocrystal]

THE TEASERSJEJDJFHR

#fanart #kitos art #alnst till #alien stage #alnst #PLEASE LET THEM LIVE #PLEASE LET THEM BE HAPPY #DONT LET EITHER DIE PLEASE #*sobs* #I legitimately drew this like half an hour after seeing their twitter post and teaser #also in case you guys haven’t figured it iut #yes these were in drafts bc I wanted my grand return to be on april fools #writing this in march rn 🌝🙃✌️✌️ #first time rendering this way and holy cruds it turned out great; should do this more it felt so freeing #also I’m sorry but like Till looks like a wet cat #he looks miserable #BABY PLEASE CHEER UP #CHEER UP PLEASE #PLEASE DONT LOOK SO SAD YOU’RE GOING TO RIP MY HEART TO SHREDS #vivinos is cruel #(guess what I’m referencing) #reading Ivan’s interview and then seeing the interviewer ask abt Till n the next round like #hurhg

[askamnesiamoonjumper]

me after editing the aau prologue for the bajillionth time

#First chapter I changed the opening bc I always thought it felt off/abrupt and wanted to have it be prince pov from the start #I wanna get in his head more ok sue me #Beyond that tho it was just some wording edits #Specifically with the internal dialogue moments I helped them flow more/feel more like thoughts #Also mj gets a bit more of their usual edge/pessimism bc the prologue they always felt a bit too “ówò sad poor smol bean” or whatever #That’s it tho chapter 4 I didn’t change bc it’s peak #Did add some teases to later things tho like snatch senses mjs soul at the end of his chap but doesn’t realize it #Or like I added the Not Now running thing in the earlier chapters bc it was more of a chapter 4 thing so I wanted 2 set it up more so boom #I think that’s all the notable edits ig like I said just description additions the only actual new thing is the opener for chap 1 👍 #Also also I got to include a hc that I have that I neglected to do before but I hc a!prince used plural internal dialogue #Because lol we love dramatic irony in this house #Grace post #this reminds me tho one of these days I should look through heart strings chapter one to look for editing things #Bc I think I did that recently but I don’t remember it much tho #Mostly just when the Hat stuff starts that was the parts I never directly rewrote I just edited them so they feel out of place in my brain #Also I’d wanna edit her dialogue bc it *was* in character (after rereading her diary’s to confirm) but I wanna have her be a bit more snark #Hat is Hard bc i Need the balance of cute little kid and also smug little shit (affectionate) like she is a pain to write man cries #This is just me rambling lol ignore it I just wanted to spam aau thoughts #In other news I made shapes redesigns but I’m on the fence on posting them bc idk if I wanna spoil or not hhhhhhhhh #Nowadays I’m more chill w spoiling things than I used to be #But there are a handful of things I’ve kept shut about (ex being princes name or mjs species stuff etc) #So I’m not sure if this thing with shapes i should keep secret or just post bc I used to spoil it but idk now #Shrugs #maybe I’ll do a poll later I dunno #Ok yapping over byeeeeee

[da-proti-toku-grem]

i was having a midnight talk with my brother yesterday and i told him that when i went out with my friend the other day i didn't have any anxiety attack (like it usually happens to me every time i go out of my house), and you know i wasn't expecting him to say anything about it, people would usually go "...okay? 🤨" like, that's what it's supposed to be like, why would you have anxiety because of that? but he went: "Good! 😁" and high-five'd me

and i- i didn't know what to say but it warmed my heart :(

#i'm might or might not be tearing up a little as i write this #like. i don't think anyone has ever reacted like that when i tell smth like this #i think no one that i know irl really understand my social anxiety and everyone is like 'oh she's just shy' #and when i gather the courage to do smth that makes me feel really anxious (but it's considered 'normal' and 'not a big deal') people just - #- laugh it off in front of my face and they're like 'oh look at her! she did [whatever]' #and idk if it makes me more sad or angry. definitely both #but i never say anything ofc bc my fucking anxiety doesn't let me be mean to anyone on purpose even if they really deserve it sometimes #(well. that might just be my personality in general more than my anxiety but oh well) #fuck i'm ranting again but yeah. i felt good that someone for once didn't just laugh and actually acknowledged that it is hard for me #but i did it anyways and i didn't feel bad about it (just this time but smth is smth) #and i should be proud of myself for taking these little steps (i'm telling this to myself to convince me that it's true) #(idk it's working really well lol) #maca speaks #venting #(the venting was more just the tags but you get it)

[wantbytaemin]

my god i just woke up from THE most detailed gentle and heartbreaking dream about jinki im in my bed like 😮 what was THAT

#so it was way too detailed for me to get into everything but it started with him being sad and like not wanting to speak to anyone #and i was sitting on the floor doing some writing & was like hi come here so he sat down like in between my legs and rested against me #i asked if he wanted to talk but he didn’t so i let it be and kept writing but couldn’t really focus #and then minho got there and was like ‘oh good he’s here’ and i was like what happened #and minho explained that like they were planning to do a world tour and album as shinee but jinki didn’t want to participate bc of the way #it was being handled #like there was a promo poster that was super insensitive towards jonghyun too #and a bunch of other things and then it flashed back to jinki filming a teaser for the tour and it was super intricate and too much for me #to type up right now but he looked so happy & smiley #like to make a point that he had wanted to be there until all the shit went down #and then it flashed back to me holding him and i stopped writing (or pretending to anyway) and just held him #there was no minho at that point and it felt like it was hours #and now i’m up and Shaken a little. not to be off the rails you’ll understand as I’m still affected by the dream but like it was so nice to #see him smile im still feeling the feeling like. relief and joy whew whatever he’s doing rn i hope he takes all the time in the world if he #needs/wants to & im grateful to have seen him smile even as a dream

[hmsmilkbone]

honestly. I don't really have a lot of interest in jjk anymore, which is super frustrating as the story foundation is really interesting. I have my favorite characters, and I'm not really interested in reading beyond this point.

As a whole, I'm not a huge fan of dropping stories just because they don't go the way you want. In general I personally try not to do this, but stories where the author clearly hates the material or the audience so much they're willing to destroy the story to do so are not enjoyable. I really don't think gege even really likes writing jjk anymore.

There may be some change that I hear about months from now where something worked out one way or the other, but in general I feel like this story is not going to resolve in a way that feels like reading it was a worthwhile experience. And like, for good OR bad. Not every story has a happy ending, but this is really not particularly interesting and I don't feel the need to continue a story where the writer isn't even interested in what happens or how it advances anything outside of their personal pettiness. Feels very much like grr Martin. All the meaningless death and abuse without any real redeeming qualities.

I'm trying to remind myself that not every author wants to be a storyteller. Not every story is good. It's ok to read stories that aren't the best simply because you want to see where it goes, but gege isn't superior in some way, and i dont 'trust that he's cooking'. Even if the story turns around in an interesting or strategic way, I really am not particularly impressed. Ordinarily I would stay along for the ride, but I can't bring myself to care about something even the author doesn't care about. :/

#jjk spoilers #idk i really just dont have any expectations anymore #i love reading books apart from manga and ive had to put down a few because they felt like this #and i have almost always found that in the end my perception of the author and their story was accurate #it makes me sad seeing this unfold in this way #but the shibuya arc which is apparently the least ljked arc in the series #is stretching on forever and people arent enjoying it #anecdotally ive seen a lot of people drop the series #and eventually its just gojng to be all the grimdark losers who unironically love shit like this #it just feels very much like a story for men who hate people #it feels like all the weirdos who made the joker their personality and all the dudes who cant breathe without talking about fight club #or like.. say shit about how the liberals are ruining media like thats the kind of person i see talking about jjk most of the time now #using slurs and not even having intelligent conversations about what's happening #the conversation is usually 'sukuna mid no cap' 'are you stupid gojo is mid stop copium' #and that exchange is repeated over and over like. you have nothing else to add at this point? #i mean i know its primarily bc honestly there really isnt any depth to the story beyond that but my god #what an insufferable way to write or receive a story #and honestly!! i really dont feel like jjk fits into a kids story category at this point #so i do actually feel ljke it is reasonable to expect better writing #not that stories aimed toward kids are bad but one piece is a good example of a story geared more towards children or young adults #adults CAN enjoy it but oda intentionally does not make the story so upsetting that kids cant read it and feel reflected in the events #but jjk is very very different and i think the drop in the quality of writing is reflected in the growing toxicity of the fanbase #anyways.. if you read jjk & youre feeling upset its ok to step away and check in once a month when you can mentally / emotionally prepare #i had to enforce a no read/watch accountability pact with my friends because it was making their depression worse again #no story is worth your health. gege does not give a flying fuck about you. you need to take care of yourself. #im just enjoying my sandbox with the characters and when the story is over ill check back in #theres no right way to experience the story but if its not healthy for you #you wont miss anything by unplugging #and you may find that you really dont want to get back into it when you read it again to check on the story every once in a while #jjk 237

[dutybcrne]

Prior to The Confrontation, it wasn’t uncommon for Kaeya to ask Diluc to read over things for him, to correct it or because he couldn’t get certain words. It started because Kaeya needed a little help with his lessons and reading, then continued when it was clear Kaeya still struggled with certain things, especially when it came to paperwork and letters written in fancier script when they joined the knights.

#hc; kaeya #//After Diluc left; Kaeya frequently found himself trying to ask Luc for help with his paperwork #//Each and every time; being met with silence heavily soured his mood; more than the struggle of reading and writing through it already did #//He hadn’t really tried asking anybody else for help; not wanting to seem ‘incompetent’ at first #//Esp with how frustrating he found it all. Then bc it’d gone on long enough; he felt it embarrassing to bring up #//Lisa knows somewhat #//He consulted her after seeing how well she worked with Razor; asking ‘for a friend’ #//She saw through it IMMEDIATELY but humored him; so he wouldn’t feel so daunted and back off from the help he needed #//She’s helped him immensely; but he still struggles with things #//I like to think eventually; he comes to ask Noelle to do smth Luc used to; and look over his docs for errors #//That much he’ll allow. Prolly actually be honest w her why; since she’s so kind to him #//Feels weird relying on someone outside of Luc for smth like that—even Addie didn’t get called on as often #//If only ever when he was at the Winery with her; bc again; he wanted to seem capable and independent to her #//But it’s smth at least #//Even if Noelle being such a sunshine and so nice to help him out like that can be disconcerting at times #//But that’s a whole other can of worms #//That I think I mentioned in a prev hc; but eh #//Tldr; he is dyslexic. Luc helped then disappeared. Kae sad. Lisa helped lots. Noelle might help more in the future #//Prolly didn’t help that Teyvat’s common language wasn’t Kae’s first language either

[alligaytorswamp]

Im kind of feeling like i can't take it anymore

#vent #bad sad sleep-deprived and mentally ill #i am currently crying myself to sleep just fucking sobbing because everything hurts #my brain is failing me my body us failing me #i dont know what to do with myself #so many things are happening so many things hurt and i have no body to talk to #i have never felt so utterly alone #i hate myself for even writing this because i feel so pathetic and as if im just whining for attention #because i probably am #some lame ass cry for help because i really don't know how to function at this point #truly i am just so fucking alone #and there is just so much that is happening and i cant share it with anyone so it just all stays in my stupid brain and #probably makes me more mentally ill or smth #and for however long all i do is keep myself from crying during the day bc i cant let my family catch me having mental breakdowns #yet i have all of these painful thoughts that are plaguing my mind all the fucking time #i am just so so tired #and i keep thinking about death and it's so fucking scary #i just wish i wasn't myself and i had a different brain i could be better than this because maybe then i would be fine #at home im in toxic hell #in online spaces i have no one actually close to me #in my brain i have horrible thoughts and hardcore daydreaming distactions that dont fix anything #in my course i think im not doing well enough and im scare dthat my the end of it im still going to be a useless unemployed moron #on my silly blog i think if i dont make content i have no value and ehatever i make is not even that good or interesting #so i better cover it up with quantity but i dont have time or ability to do so #which again makes me into a fucking Nothing #god my head hurts so much #that's what u get for wailing at 4 am #anyways i am doing horrible and i can't take it anymore truly reaching my fucking limit #all my fault tho so ☺ #delete later and if someone actually reads it Um sorry for this i am hashtag unwell 😋💫

[ardentpoop]

#i could try to write a cohesive caption but im tired and sad so messy notes in the tags it is #spn #liveblog tag #12.22 #it shouldnt have felt like such a weight off to hear dean recount how much pain sam's experienced like this but it was #saying ''he lost his soul'' like it was indeed something awful that happened To him as opposed to a ''mistake'' he made #< which is how he's brought it up to sam himself in past seasons #funny that it seems he's only able to acknowledge sam's suffering when sam isn't present. moreover - only when dean's suffering is #centered as well. inextricable from sam's bc of their shared upbringing #and only when there is a more culpable figure to bear the brunt of dean's feelings (often john and now for the first time mary) #she was dragged back to earth as a gift For You. she doesn't fit and the family she knew is gone and you have an idea of her in your head #that she will never be able to mirror in real life bc that mary never existed #and she's been tortured and brainwashed into killing people she knows and she's trapped in her own mind trying to seek solace in #a happy memory - a vestige of heaven which is a vestige of life #and she has no choice but to listen as you rip into her heart for choices that she already hates herself for #sam/mary parallels holding strong but as always sam got the short end of the stick #anyway. ow :) #tag vomit

[candyriku]

finally getting a chance to work on chapter 15 today :-)

#shout out AS ALWAYS to people leaving comments!!!! you are keeping me motivated you are keeping the dream alive #for some behind the scenes: in the last few weeks i've been barely sleeping and it makes it very hard to write or even be in a good mood #i usually need 11+ hours to function and so like. 2-3 hours a night is putting me in a bad place both mentally and physically #and yes i realize 11 or more hours is like a silly amount of sleep but idk. it's just how i am. i go to bed early AND sleep in ahaha. #i've been falling behind in all my classes due to the sleep thing so writing for fun has totally been off the table lol #ANYWAYS #typing typing typing (this chapter will be a lighthearted one) #we all need some fluff and levity i think (and i need to give time for Riku to care for Sora even more and be like. wow. i love you) #I was struggling earlier bc i wanted to write both about how Sora has been hiding darkness from loved ones and needs to let them in #but also with the idea of sora feeling that he needs friends to have strength or value. and i kind of realized i needed to pick one #like maybe a better writer than me could have both of those things be addressed at once but for me i was like... I want Riku to comfort him #which goes against him learning that he's fine on his own. we can address that in a different fic. rn he is just sad and needs to know #that he can share that with the people around him. and that he's still loveable despite it all #also shout out to my gf for teaching me “love isn't something you deserve that's not what love is” like. i did not know that b4 her #so I asked her lots of questions for chapter 14 actually cause I was like. i want Riku to support Sora in the way you'd support me #cuz IDK SHIT ABOUT THAT i have always felt unworthy of love and like i had to beg people to stay with me until i got into this relationship #so i was like. judy. what is your wisdom. how do you care for me when i feel like my pain makes me unloveable. what would you say #So yeah shout out to her! I am off on a tangent now hehe sorry. thanks for reading if you read this at all!! have a good day :) #jtsys fic #updates

[conanssummerchild]

i am feeling so depressed rn but at least im writing good music

#these past five days have been like me slipping back into my old shit #i feel physically sick every second #but at least im writing a sad anxiety and abandonment issues song about my friend eventually getting sick of and leaving !! <3 #that i didnt want to write bcs it felt like a bad omen and i was going to get too in my head #well now i am in my head write away you stupid loser idiot i hate myself #everyone else hates me no one will stay ‼️‼️ #my therapist cant meet this week ‼️‼️🗣 #i need to study for my english gcse but i cant make myself get up and do anything 👍👍🗣 #im going to the eras tour in like 2 weeks but i want to die ‼️‼️ #this is suposed to be a happy moment 👍 #i know im spiraling #i catastrophise too fast everything will be okay #but it doesnt feel like it #the eras tour was my deadline for suicide before but i was doing better there for a moment #but not anymore #alex says shit #tw vent #tw sui ideation

[petrichorium]

Happy anniversary of the time I wrote 20k words in a week and got ghosted by the artist who was supposed to make art for the fic lol

#it’s been a year I can be bitter now right #for a SINGLE DAD BAKUGO FIC r u kidding I should have had artists lining up to make the art and instead I get shafted #I don’t fully blame the Big Bang staff. I think it could’ve been handled better but it’s mostly on the artist #but wow that rlly happened huh LMFAOOOOOO #shoutout to Shay for being the most supportive friend through all that truly #I got to live vicariously through her assigned artist who was amazing && also she drew me some stuff that was adorable 🥺 #if anyone wants to know why sleeping is taking so long to write it’s bc I was fueled by spite and a deadline for the first chapter and now #I am just. kinda bitter and sad abt the rest #which sucks bc I love the fic I rlly do #hopefully I can get over it bc it’s silly to let something like that ruin the fic entirely #SO insane tho. the way I was the only one who made the cut and didn’t get art too #not even bc I didn’t get picked but bc my artist was a sham. nice. love that truly #the staff was okay. I’m not gonna pretend I felt supported but I get that it’s a complicated and stressful event #and it was a difficult situation bc my artist insisted they were working on stuff. never got an official ‘sorry I’m dropping out’ message #so I get it. but I’m also still pissed :) abt the whole situation not. at any singular member or staff or anything #mostly at the artist #but again could have been handled better fr

[da-proti-toku-grem]

feeling like a total asshole today 👍

#an aunt's mom passed away yesterday night #i didn't really know her that much just spoke to her a few times for the typical merry christmas & happy new year you know #so when my mom told me i felt bad for my aunt bc i knew they were really close but i don't feel SAD #but my parents seemed to be like so shocked and sad and my little brother even started crying #and i felt absolutely nothing #idek what my mom saw in my face but she went like 'don't you feel anything?' and like wtf am i supposed to feel #like. i'm sorry for my aunt and everything but i just????? #that already made me feel like an absolute asshole but now we have to go there (like 2hours away by car) #and because i am an adult now i *have* to go to the funeral home (?) today and to the funeral tomorrow #and i REALLY don't want to and thought it's making me so fucking anxious bc i haven't been there since my grandma passed away 2 years ago #i really don't want that feeling that i felt back then to come back #not right now #not when i've been starting to feel a bit better this past week #but i'm already failing at that because they started to come back the moment i was told i have to go #and i feel like a fucking asshole because my aunt's mom literally passed away and she (and her whole family) must be heartbroken right now #and all i can think about is that i'm anxious #i'm anxious to go back there. i'm anxious just thinking that i'll have to express my condolences to people that i don't even know #i'm anxious because i'll have to TALK to people and at least try to look a bit SAD but i can't just fake it #bc if i don't look sad my brain tells me that i'm an asshole that doesn't have feelings like apparently everyone around me has #but if i fake it my brain tells me that i'm an asshole bc why tf do i have to fake my fucking personality #why can't i just express my fucking feelings like normal people do and the only thing that i know how to do is fucking complain #like. i know i rant a lot here but it's literally the only place where i talk about my feelings #i NEVER talk about my feelings with anyone because idk HOW to do it #i have like a million things in my mind that i want to tell my mom or my therapy for example but when i finally convince myself to do it #i just CAN'T. the thoughts won't leave my mouth because i don't know how to phrase them properly #so nothing ever leaves my mind unless i make a post here bc apparently writing my thoughts in english (my 2nd language) #is easier than talking in spanish #and at least if i write them here they don't just stay bottled up in my mind #but i'm too tired of myself and my stupid brain that tells me that i do everything wrong :/ #i'm gonna shut up now bc i once again reached the tag limit