#but again this isnt about sitting shiva | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

speedyslothboi · 28 days

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I spent an hour making a flower crown today. I'd never made one before. It didn't turn out very good; clumsy knots and and sticky fingers and broken petals but I still put it on and smiled. I never got that kind of childhood. I wondered if this is what healing feels like: sitting on a picnic table, gently warmed by the sun, breathing in the world. I have so much to do (an ap psych test in three days, ethics bowl nationals and science olympiad state to prepare for, a read through for the play on Monday) and instead I went outside and listened to the birds.

Then I got home and cried. Because 30,000 people will never get to make a flower crown again (and how many never had? It took me 17 years. That's more time than many of them ever got). I haven't breathed clearly in 6 months; a weight on my chest and a pit in my stomach but for one hour, I felt like I could breathe, the smell of grass unfamiliar but comfortable (and how many died in that time? Trapped under rubble? The weight on their chests real).

I feel like I've been sitting Shiva for strangers halfway across the world but I'll die before I finish mourning (575 years is a lot to ask of this body). I'm not doing a very good job. But what else can I do but remember? I don't know know what to do with myself. I'm heartbroken and horrified and I am so angry. I go to school and hear kids talk about tik tok drama and I want to grab them and shake them and yell "how can you think about anything else? How can breathe around your guilt well enough to speak?" I feel like I know to much and too little, never informed fast enough. I feel like I'm grieving and like I have no right to grieve. I'm tired. I'm not doing well (I can't remember the last time I brushed my teeth and I still need to schedule my fillings and do my laundry and change my sheets) but I feel so selfish doing anything to make myself happy, like I'm stealing joy I don't deserve. And I know that I'm burnt-out (years into it) and that I have to take care of myself too but I just don't know how to carry all this grief. And this isn't about me (I'm making it about me, aren't I?)

This will be the first presidential election I get to vote in and I can't vote for him, I can't. And I'm scared. People keep saying it's selfish not to but I'm the one who will face the consequences. I'm one of the "vulnerable" people (does that make it self-sacrificial? Does that make it okay? To risk my communities if I am at risk too?)

Paul Alexander died three weeks ago. I can't stop thinking about him. (Most of the articles won't tell you why though; that one of the most vulnerable members of society was abandoned to a disease that has killed 3 million). I keep seeing inspiration porn articles about how he didn't let his disability "stop him" (I feel like I'm "letting" mine stop me). None of them mention "I love the sun, but I haven't felt it in a long time. It's lonely." (I feel lonely all the time but I didn't feel lonely at the park, with dirt in my fingernails. I don't really believe in heaven but I hope it exists so Paul can sit in the sun again). I think of Paul and I am filled with rage. 5,000 people die of covid every week; that's one person every five minutes (how is that okay? how could you abandon us for "normal"?) and I'm one of three people out of 2200 at my school who still wear a mask. I got the most recent booster two days ago (the one only the "vulnerable" can get as if long covid isn't becoming an increasingly documented mass disabling event. And the genocide is one too. And what about the countries we blocked from getting vaccines with patents. How dare we condemn the global south to suffer without vaccines only to stop getting them). And I need to buy more masks (yet another expense to exist while disabled) and they aren't free anymore so it's another 3 hours of work. Cases keep rising despite the lack of testing and wastewater doesn't lie. And whats the new variant? News isnt reporting on it anymore because "no one cares" (I care. I need to believe others would care if they knew. Maybe thats just wishful thinking) I still have at home tests but their negatives feel like taunts (a positive is a positive though, I remember)

I don't really have any friends. I have acquaintances and people I work with for projects but I don't want them to be my friends. My mom and my therapist keep telling me to reach out and do things with them (I know it would be good for me to socialize but doing so would put me at risk. They can't even wear a mask, and I'm supposed to choose to spend extra time with them?) Neither my mom or therapist wears a mask. (My mom fought for me when doctors didn't believe anything was wrong. Fought for 7 years to get a diagnosis and now she won't protect me.) I go to the doctors and even they aren't wearing masks (didn't you learn your lesson?).

I've seen people complain about "boycott fatigue" and I'm just wonder how you are surprised? I lost faith 2 years ago when people decided that disabled people's lives weren't worth discomfort (I used to value the nuance, how it isnt that simple. Now my compassion is shot. My empathy used up on three million deaths. But it is, isnt it? Simple that is. You just dont care enough). When the accessibility we begged for for years that had been "impossible" was suddenly "easy" when everyone needed and then taken away just as quickly. The second you could leave us behind, you did. So how could I be surprised people would do the same for Falastin? I love theatre, and I'm excited for too much light. But half of them will walk in with Starbucks on Monday (and none of them will be wearing a mask) and I know these people will never truly be my people (I resent them and love them but mostly I'm disappointed.)

I've been crying alot. I never used to cry. Sometimes I feel like that means I'm healing (some of the time I wonder if I have the right to heal right now). It's like this grief keeps overflowing but the world keeps turning (and how can everyone keep living right now?) and homework keeps coming and the genocide keeps happening and I need to get back to making my magma composition notes. (I left the flower crown at the park. I felt guilty about picking the flowers; that must be bad for the environment, right? How selfish, to kill things just to make a silly crown, and I didnt even do it very well. It fell apart within a minute. An hour of work crumpled in my hands. A moment of enjoyment stolen at the cost of life, what a bad vegan I am. Anyway, i left the flowers there, to decompose where they were born)

#free palestine #from the river to the sea #free gaza #covid #long covid #wear a mask #poetry #?#does this count?#poem #i guess #vent #also the 575 year number is real #i did the math and started crying #and then i wrote this

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kitchensunflowers · 2 years

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ngl im so sad about gwyn

#911 lone star spoilers #these are just rambles #im excited for tk backstory but 911 isnt the type of series that really gives people time #and i think the frustrating thing about these narratives #sudden deaths and repeated major injuries trauma #especially to the same characters #isn't so much the repeated traumatic events but the lack of time given to exploring the consequences and fallout etc #how many times has a character on the show like tk been majorly injured or traumatised only to be back to 100 the next episode?#so i'm looking forward to all the tk in 308 #and i want to believe tim minear when he says they will explore consequences this season #but will we see tk attend the funeral #sit shiva #say kaddish for the second time this season #explore what it means to have lost his mom #or will the episode end when the plane issue is resolved and their all on ground again and then not really be revisited?#i'm hopeful #based on the hints ronen and tim have given #but i'm also sad that we're losing both s1 who seems to have been a truly positive influence in his life #and someone connected to an identity that isn't really represented that much on mainstream tv #idk #911 lone star #tbd #i genuinely am looking forward to 308 though its just what comes after #anyway time for me to watch shiva baby

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raisinchallah · 3 years

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its really so interesting how like alien religions in most sci fi needs like outside confirmation to non believers that its totally 100% real and is usually treated that way in the text of the story despite also avowed atheism from most characters even babylon 5 falls into it with magic alien prophecies just being found in old religious texts that like just come to pass even tho its also one of the few sci fi shows that also indicates human religions do still exist and understands even a level of nuance of like religion playing an important cultural role even if someone maybe doesnt believe with ivanova sitting shiva for her father and so on but it always is so wild to me in star trek i do think like.. ds9 handles it in an interesting way with bajoran religion in the sense it does also discuss the kind of shift that might happen if all the events happened with sisko and the wormhole n all that but its a consistent thing across like any of the alien religions its so damn weird with the klingons like i love the episode where b'elanna goes to fuckin klingon hell to see her mom but its also oddly treated as like 100% true like damn klingon hell fucking exists this isnt a metaphor yet also almost no change like again whats going on here or like idk all the stuff about actual physical klingon jesus idk i blacked a lot of it out but idk its just so interesting i have very little to add and obviously religion is very complex and an extremely sticky subject but its also like very important to worldbuilding and a lot of it doesnt really ring true and seems to totally lack like a basic understanding of how its a multifaceted thing that can be as much about community and tradition as belief and like even if u have no real connection to that it still doesnt seem that difficult to write... idk its just kinda fascinating

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rxpertoire · 3 years

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//just gonna answer them all for smth to do tbh

What was your first Final Fantasy? Would you recommend it to others for their first?

The first FF game I actually played was XV and yeah I’d recommend it. I know it catches a lot of flack but I really do enjoy it and I didnt feel too lost with any references to the wider final fantasy series. But I was also loosely into VII before that which is also a good one.

Which all Final Fantasy games have you played?

So I’ve played 7r, XV, XIV and I’m currently working my way through IX and og VII, and Crisis Core. Though I do know all of the other games to do with 7, including the mobile ones barely anyone else knows about, watching the cutscene movies and whatever. oh and i have VIII sitting on my sheft untouched that ive been meaning to start

What is your favourite Final Fantasy?

I truly don’t know. The entire 7 compilation is very good but XV is also very near and dear to my heart.

Is there a Final Fantasy you didn’t like?

As far as I’ve played, no? but I’m also not very picky

Out of all the Final Fantasy you have played, which one was the hardest for you?

I’m struggling with og VII mostly because I simply do not like older games very often But i think probably XIV because I play games on easy mode always and you dont get that choice in an MMO

Which Final Fantasy would you consider your easiest?

So at some point i went into a part of XV super underleveled and got my ass instantly handed to me, and then i went back in time and did a bunch of grinding and was overleveled by a lot for the rest of the game so probably that? which was my own fault

Favourite party set up for any of the games.

@nascentgliint asked this one but I cant really answer it because I dont really play the games with party systems that are more optional. At the moment in VII I think I’m just traveling with all the girls

Have you played the online games?

Yeah~ though only xiv

What is your fondest memory from playing the games?

I think it was honestly the love I found for 7r and among the fandom. Id been in the fandom for a while but when 7r came out, I got a new muse and just fell in love with everything again completely.

What do you hope for in the next Final Fantasy?

aha i have no hope for the next game Idk its summon based again I hope theyre all sexy

Top 10 favourite characters?

This is going to be a callout okay Not in order but-

Ardyn Izunia Noctis lucis Caelum Verstael Besithia Tseng Rufus Shinra Cloud Strife Kuja Zenos yae Galvus Asahi sas Brutus Emet-Selch Hythlodaeus

Your least favourite characters?

Least favourite is hard because when i dont like someone i just dont think about them I truly hate Hojo and Hollander. I dont like Lucrecia. I hate XV Bahamut.

Your OTP?

Mm too many. Sefikura, Zakkura, Promtis, ZenosWol, EmetWol, EmetAzemHyth, probably more

Who is your favourite villain?

I think this means main villain instead of all the little villains so Ardyn. But I could write you an essay on why he isnt the villain. Kuja is a close second.

Who is your least favourite villain?

I guess he counts? Hojo. Fuck him. He should count hes the main villain for DoC

What is your favourite summon?

I always tend to like Shiva and Leviathan. but XV Ifrit gets a mention because my god he could get it

But the Carbuncle, if it counts, in any form, is my favourite summon.

What is your least favourite summon?

I dont know if he counts but as a rule I hate every iteration of Gilgamesh(though i adore his XV version) But thats because I’m attached to Gilgamesh in lore and please stop making his boyfriend just some fucking monster square

Favourite monster?

Ardyn

Least favourite monster?

I dont fucking like morbols one bit. they can go fuck themselves. every type of them

I also dont like tonberries but im a scholar main and the questline helped me come around on them at least for XIV

#[ooc]

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