#but also my therapist is wonderful and so nice and i dont want to make her feel bad for it... | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

callsign-relic · 9 months

Note

I love the first contact au a ton, so I was wondering if I could request something for it for Rung and a GN human reader! I'm not sure if this would count as requesting more than one character, so no worries if you dont want to write it!

Rung is tasked with looking after the human, but he's not sure it'll be a good idea to have them in his office during therapy sessions. Turns out that his patients are ok with it and respond great to having the tiny human chill out nearby during appointments, and now they're the unofficial Therapy Human.

Ooo, this was a fun concept to work with! As well as my first Rung request, thank you for that! Wanted to write something nice and fluffy rather than the cautious/hesitant vibe I usually go for when I write for First Contact, so I hope this is a pleasant surprise :) hope you enjoy!

Warnings: SFW, GN!Human!Reader, First Contact AU

Humans were unpredictable creatures, Rung quickly came to learn.

When the task of watching over you was suddenly assigned to him, all Rung could really do was hesitantly agree. The captain handed off the little creature you were into the therapist’s servo, and through his thick lenses, he could see an expression he could only describe as innocence spread all over your tiny face. Eyes opened wide, previously taking in all of the ship, now locked with Rung’s own optics. You sat quietly in the orange mech’s hold, much to his relief.

Apprehensively, with his free servo, Rung reaches out and offers a single digit. You tear your gaze away from his face and to the offered finger, tilting your head as you stare at it curiously.

“Er, it’s alright, little guy,” Rung assured you despite the fact that he knew full well you couldn’t understand. “I’ll be careful with you.”

And, as if in reply, you suddenly reached out and placed your own hand on the tip of his digit. Looking back towards Rung, you still wore that curious expression, but this time with a small smile. At the same time, the mech’s own faceplate began to break out in a little smile of his own, without his knowledge.

And so, days passed, and you stayed within Rung’s care. You took it upon yourself to make what the therapist believed to be a nest of sorts on the corner of his main work desk, but Rung found he didn’t mind. You contained whatever mess you made and quickly cleaned up after yourself, and if he had to be honest, Rung found your frequent recharge sessions as endearing. Seeing your peaceful little face relax in power down in comparison to the constant liveliness you seemed to carry about you when you were online made his spark swell with a feeling he thought he only had reserved for his personal spaceship replica model collection.

And speaking of, there was also, of course, your seemingly boundless energy during the day. You would entertain yourself easily as Rung dealt with his daily tasks, either finding something to do, or joining along with him despite not really having a clue what was going on. Eventually, the mech found that your favorite spot was high atop his shoulder, either huddled up against his neck cabling or standing tall, taking in the sights.

You liked this spot so much that you often even stayed there during therapy sessions. At first, Rung wasn’t sure how good of an idea it was to leave you there, but he soon found that you were a great addition to his sessions.

“Is that the human?” Whatever mech the ship’s therapist had been seeing for a session that day would always seem to ask.

“It is,” Rung would reply, “Rodimus has me watching over them for the time being. They’re quite evenly tempered.”

There’s typically a caution to the other mech’s face as they ponder if they should even ask the question weighing so heavily on their mind, but the kind look Rung would offer them always seemed to encourage them otherwise.

“Can I… hold them?”

And so, after Rung carefully scoops you up from your perch on his shoulder, he slowly introduces you into the other mech’s hands. You step out of the orange mech’s familiar hands, and the new set of servos you find yourself in at that time are anyone’s guess. Some days, it’s a massive pair of hands, dwarfing you entirely, yet still handling you with the utmost care as they absentmindedly rubbed at your back or stroked a digit through your hair in well intentioned curiosity. Other times, you’re in the hands of a minibot constantly cooing at you in wonder, with you barely fitting in their palm as you stand tall.

No matter how well or poorly a session seems to go, there is always one thing all of Rung’s patients seem to agree upon: having something to do with their hands as they think is a great stimulant for their processors. Thankfully, neither you or Rung seem to mind the pampering treatment you receive throughout the day, so it appears to be quite the mutually beneficial relationship.

As the final mech leaves for Rung’s last session of the day, the orange bot takes you carefully into his servos, ready to deposit you back into your spot at his desk. However, when he motions his hand down for you to hop off, you don’t budge from your spot. Rung cocks his head in confusion as you seem to scoot away from his outstretched fingers and instead… wrap your little arms around his thumb, resting your suddenly limp form against it.

Rung nearly gasps, gently pushing your body with a single digit to face him a little better— only to find you with your eyes shut, chest rising and falling in a gentle, drowsy rhythm. A relieved breath heaves itself from Rung’s intake, and with massive amounts of care, he plucks you up from your spot on his hand and carries you over to that sweet spot up against his neck between his gingery plating and his dark neck cabling. You’re quick to adjust to your new resting spot, doing your best to wrap your arms against the mech’s comparatively thick neck and folding yourself into the most comfortable position you could.

And as Rung walked about his office, cleaning up and packing work materials away for the day, his spark couldn’t help whirl with delight as he felt your little frame nuzzle up against him in security.

#relic writes #Transformers #Transformers x reader #reader insert #rung #rung Transformers #transformers rung #rung x reader #more than meets the eye #MTMTE #Transformers mtmte #MTMTE x reader #lost light #lost light x reader #maccadams #maccadam

482 notes · View notes

l0verf0rever · 1 year

Text

𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐰𝐞 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐨𝐝𝐬 𝐲𝐞𝐭?

Social Media! Au | Jude Bellingham x Reader

𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭

Current

↳ To this post

Anonymous: How the hell is it a marketing strategy if they have had the relationship longer than her modeling career . 🤦‍♀️

Anonymous: I'm sad to see a girl trying to change herself for a guy she's super sweet when I met her :(

↳ Anonymous: She's super kind too but it's just sad tbh

↳Anonymous : don't get me wrong I bet Y/n is a nice girl but why is jude looking like a villain to this situation? Isn't friends with benefits 2 thing?.

Tap more to see comments 2.3k

June 30,

Right now its one of your stupid breaks with Him that last few weeks then He drunk dials he always wants to stop but you don't know

Is it even worth trying? "I miss the times when everything was normal before feelings complicated everything " having conversations with your sister

" pick someone who's decent not someone who's a dirt bag and just has every girl in he's finger tips "

it's been 1 week since he asked to stop for the time you've forgotten how many times you've gotten cool off trying impressing him it was just sad telling your friends and therapist they could tell you clearly love him but it's codependency

Nights where you lie awake, you block him, but then you feel bad and unblock you dream the day when he's sure he wants you

from trying to dress the way he likes high heels, trying to be everything he wants, or you think he wants . You just wish he could have a clear mind it's hurting you inside to know that

You just want to hate him but some reason you can't you've seen him in other relationships then block you out when it doesn't work he calls you

He's your only and first relationship. "You should try others guys if he's been with other girls and block you out block him too then," your friend says

"or you know stop this and be secure with being alone," your other friends suggested to you

July 1.

Everything felt like the end of the world. Everyone knew you and jude reading comments of people. Reading it makes you pity yourself, realizing it made it worse for months you didn't realize it nor think about it

"Be yourself and know that that's good enough Dont try to act like someone else, be yourself Be secure with yourself Rely and trust upon your own decisions" your friend reassures you that everything's gonna be fine

"They're are other people than him and when you're ready they'll appear don't rush it" you hated the fact you're a safety net for him the things you've done with him never thought you'd have to do with other people trying to accept that you have to move on and on to the next

Looking at pictures at night and crying cause he's spotted with another girl while you're in your room crying wondering why it got so messy to begin with you sometimes wish you never bothered to begin with.

Hi its me again I'm nervous about my work nowadays and I decided to make this new one I hope you guys appreciate it also should I make this a series?🤍 - Love mishaella

Hi updated the series is #Risque the story

453 notes · View notes

adaptacy · 9 months

Note

It’s the anon with the Yearbook!Reader. Honestly surprised that was pumped out so fast with such quality, I was giggling when I read it ngl. Anyways, I am here to put forth another request for you to choose to do.

Got pretty boy Leland first.

Thinking about Leland and his S/O just relaxing in bed. Soft kisses, nice lil cuddles, some of that fluffy shi. My main point to this was called Leland pretty boy and just like, praising him. Give him all that TLC, babes deserves it.

(Could make it angst/comfort with Leland being insecure about scars he has after the Sawyer family incident, but just praising him for no reason is valid as hell)

It’d be chill if I sent several requests at the same time, yeah? I dont wanna fill up your request box, but I love your writing (Leland especially) and just have so many ideas at times. I also didn’t expect my request to be answered same day, usually takes a while, I’m willing to wait a week or two yknow.

-Kuhuahua

im- i- ik i havent been active on tumblr (ive been rping tcsm on discord <3) but i heard 1 song and it made me think of this request and then i rly wanted to write it SO here we go!

TW: aaaaaaangst with extra angst on the side.

Song recs: When You Gonna Run - Alpha Rev

He never talked about them. You understood why. Honestly, you doubted that he even spoke to his therapist about them. It's been four years. Even now, he still flinches when they're grazed, he whispers out quiet, "Not there, sweetheart," his voice tainted with a somber desperation, genuine hurt. You weren't sure if the pain was physical or emotional. Maybe both.

Four years and he still got teary-eyed if you asked about them, or referenced the incident at all. You'd learned not to, even if you did wish he would open up to you. For the first year that you were dating him you'd just assumed that he would talk about them when he was ready. But then the year came to an end. And so did the second one. And now, at 29 months with him, you'd stopped wishing. Gotten used to the shrugs and the soft sighs, the disdain in his gaze when you inquired about it.

So you didn't bring it up. But you knew he thought about it. Knew he felt it. Not talking about it was easy enough, after a while. But being close with him was hard. Physically close, that is. Every brush of your hand in the wrong spot, or a kiss on the wrong hand, touching your forehead a little to hard against the slit in his eyebrow-

29 months, and you still felt like shit for being unable to remember every single one of his scars. Every single placement- the big ones you could remember. But the small ones spanning the rest of his body, snips of horrors on his arms and the dots of regret on his torso, were impossible to map out.

He sat, watching the movie, next to you, one of his knees bent up to his chest while the other leg hung off of the couch, his chin propped up with one hand, his elbow resting on the cushioned arm of the loveseat, his other arm outstretched next to him, where his hand intertwined with yours.

The ones on his hands weren't bad. There were three on this one, tiny marks that you were surprised hadn't healed. You'd overheard the reason why; the second time you'd joined him at one of his doctor's appointments they'd mentioned him overworking himself, reopening the wounds. You wondered if they still hurt when he worked out.

Without thinking much of it, you scooted closer to him, only a few inches, and you snuck under his arm so that it hung off of your shoulder, though you refrained from leaning against him. He didn't react aside from a small squeeze of your hand. You lifted that hand and pushed a kiss to the back of it, earning his attention.

You didn't meet his eye. You didn't want to see the distant, aching hazel behind the kindness he usually showed. Didn't want to see the microscopic frown that tugged at his lips, you didn't want to see his chest rise and fall with another one of his dejected sighs. You just wanted to kiss him.

So you did, starting at the back of his hand and moving up, your mouth brushing against his arm just under another scar, your eyes closing. This time, it was you who sighed, and you took a gamble, moving your lips up and kissing the coarse patch of skin you'd avoided.

"Baby," he muttered, his voice tainted with the same sadness it held any time he was forced upon a reminder of his past. You didn't reply, nor did you stop, moving up to a different scar, this one closer to his shoulder, repeating the same for this one. A kiss, soft and lingering, before you pulled your head up and finally leaned it against his side.

"I think they're pretty."

There wasn't any reason you'd said it. Just that you'd felt it. And the words came to you, so you gifted them. Leland was quiet for a few minutes. His jaw rested against your temple, both of your heads turned towards the tv, though neither of you were really watching.

Whether he was insecure of them, or if they were still tender, or if they reminded him of the past, or, hell, all of it- they didn't change the way you saw him. Didn't change the way you loved him. You were with him to be with him, every part of him that you could manage to get a hold of. It was okay that he kept some things locked away.

You didn't understand, but you knew why. It was hard. Too difficult for him to remain cheerful when he thought about it. Too difficult to be perfect. Too difficult to feel like he was doing the right thing.

"I know you're hurt."

You couldn't stop yourself.

"I know I'm not ever gonna understand like you do. I know we're always gonna be distant. I know you don't like thinking about it."

But...

"I still love you. It was in the past. And I love you for your past, Lee. And I love you for our future, too. And- I love you right now, in the present."

He stayed quiet, though he leaned against your head a little more, his arm bringing you a bit closer.

"I think they're handsome. And... they're you, so I love them. I love every part of you. Even the scary parts, or the sad parts, or the parts you think are ugly. I love all of you."

At last, you looked up at him, just as he brought a hand to his cheek, wiping away a stray tear. His lip trembled as he looked down at you, but they trembled into a smile, a sad one, like a kicked puppy, but a smile nonetheless. You raised a hand too, cupping his jaw and brushing your thumb under his eye, which pulled a broken chuckle from him, and he sniffled, closing his eyes and shaking his head.

"I'm sorry," you whispered.

"Please, don't be," he replied, his voice cracking as he leaned into your palm, fighting to hold back. You scooted back, and he followed you, laying his head against your shoulder, a soft whine escaping him as he cried.

"I'm always gonna be here. I'm not gonna run. Not gonna leave you for your past. I- I just love you, Leland." Your arms wrapped around his neck as you held him close, resting your chin on his head as he cried, and you gently hushed him, doing your best to reassure.

He didn't often cry. Not to you. Sometimes, on his own time, or when you were pretending to be asleep, you could hear him. But he didn't want to push any of his weight onto you. Didn't want to burden you.

"I can shoulder some of it, y'know. Just cause you can lift a lot of weight doesn't mean you need to do it alone," you hummed, your words lighthearted despite being completely genuine. "I'm right here. I'm here to do it together. Here to be here- here to be yours."

You didn't expect a reply, but he gave one, weak and pained, snagging on his tears, an "I love you," short but sweet. You hugged him closer, leaning down to kiss another scar on the top of his back, and he didn't ask you not to, he didn't flinch, he just let it happen.

"You're perfect, Lee. Scars and all."

#adapting to leland mckinney #leland mckinney #leland mckinney x reader #leland mckinney angst #leland mckinney fluff #leland mckinney x reader angst #leland mckinney x reader fluff #tcm #tcm game #tcm game fluff #tcm game angst

74 notes · View notes

blessedshortcake · 8 months

Text

My opinion on the finale episodes below the cut. Obviously spoiler warning lol

First of all. I see people say it was really underwhelming and i kinda have to agree? It wasnt a Bad ending or a lazy one or whatever words have been thrown around tho imo. I feel like with all the hype about how "painful" and emotional itll be from the VA and from everyone, we all just expected more tragic outcomes or something.

I am dissappointed because of that as well. I liked how Simon finally reflected a bit and had some self awareness about their situation with Betty. I loved that he didnt become Ice King again or that they didnt do some actual time travel to "fix" stuff. I also liked that they didnt necessarily made him a bad husband (?/boyfriend?) he kinda just never realised that Betty has been putting more into their duo than he was.

That doesnt make him innocent tho b4 someone comes at me. He was a bit too self absorbed but i dont think he was entirely selfish either. He was a person who made mistakes and didnt realise them. The line where he said smt like "i wish we could have talked like this before" also makes it pretty clear to me that Betty never really spoke up about these things either. Golbetty had to make him aware and tbh? I think that was more Golb than Betty.

The whole Scarab ordeal felt a bit. Ehhhhhh I dont know. His anger reaction to things suddenly becoming "canon" (lmao) was very nice to see but him being allowed to wreck havoc like that for a good while felt more like an excuse to bring the others into this world. I dont have a problem with it btw i just dont see the point why we need Farmwold Jay and Little... I forgot her name damn. Also whys Babyworld Finn here 😭 (i get it, he was in the tank, i dont mean literally i mean Why)

As much as i was soooo mad when LSP freed the scarabs it was very in character. I like how it was a thing that he likes animals from the start so it wasnt senseless stupidity, it was something he would do even tho it was the wrong thing to do. Made me pause and lay down to stare at the ceiling in frustration for a solid minute i cant lie, still in chacter tho.

But alas. I like how in the end it all didnt turn magical (completely since ig its partially magical with Cake and everything else) and how Cake finally cooled down about the crown. IM ALSO SO HAPPY THEY KEEP IN TOUCH WITH SIMON OVER THE PHONEEE!! But yea him wanting to move was so real and I hope he does lmao he deserves it.

I only kinda wish they made him reconnect with Marcy a bit more. I am actually pretty dissappointed that we dont know if he ended up reaching out to her more or not. I understand his situation with not wanting to spook her, i actually feel that bit in a soul connecting level good god, but idk. Im at least happy he is Literally in therapy now

(Kinda makes me wonder tho if he spent the time between the end of AT and the start of FC with no like therapist or psychologist. Just rawdogging his mental illness about everything. Mood tbh but like did he? Did he??)

Anyway despite my slight dissappointment i am actually pretty happy with the outcome. I really liked the theories and the ideas of how Simon may make FC magical or what he will become but tbh this is probably the best outcome. Everyone got a happy/hopeful ending (minus Farmwold Finn ig who im atp assuming is dead. Also Star Marceline and PB) which i am really REALLY happy about.

I gotta say I already wanna write fanfic about these guys so inspirational effect granted. Woooo.

Tldr

I was kinda dissappointed because it was overhyped about how emotional it will be when it really wasnt but other than that I am really happy about how the ending turned out save for the alternatives staying in FC

Edit: I SEE PEOPLE TALK ABOUT THE WHOLE SHOW DONT TELL THING AND TBHHH??? TTTTBBBHHHH??? YEAH. IT WAS ALL JUST TALKED ABOUT LIKE WHAT ABOUT SYMBOLISM? MY GOD.

Also Simon had like 10 minutes to get closure with Betty which was horrifically rushed but again, when your wife turns into Basically God you kinda dont really have a choice to chit chat. Still not happy about it but again, could have been worse. Could have been much worse.

#fionna and cake spoilers #fionna and cake #fiona and cake #fiona and cake spoilers #long post

43 notes · View notes

tfemjoseph · 14 days

Note

hi, you do not have to answer this if i am overstepping !! i am just curious

recently ive seen you and ciel have been working on yourselves, so i just want to ask, is the conabusive aspect of your relationship the same as it was ? or has it changed ? i remember there was a post from your account translobotomized where you were talking about all the bad things ciel has done to you, and i was just wondering if its the same or different ? thank you ^^

it has changed quite a bit, now that i think about it.. hope you dont mind me rambling here about it </3

our dynamic has been drastically less intense than it was in 2022-2023, and by that, i mean a lot less "risky." i do still personally enjoy the riskier stuff, but due to us both trying to better ourselves, that aspect of our relationship has fizzled out a lot. maybe it'll come back in the future when we're both healthier so that it can be done safely, but for now, the more intense stuff is extremely rare. I'd say that the most intense thing we've still got going is our.. pact. but even that may have to go due to our pupfriend, we still have to talk about that whole thing with him

threats aren't too common anymore either. they will rarely happen unless the situation explicitly calls for it (ex. if the alters in front are into that kind of thing or if a particular alter will not stop hurting another alter unless threatened into stopping), so that's generally been a lot better

we also fight a whole lot less, which wasn't exactly part of the conabuse and more caused by both of us being mentally ill and receiving little to no help, but it is really nice. the reason for this is mainly that we have both started learning what kinds of things trigger each others' bpd, and avoiding triggers helps us avoid splitting on each other. of course, splits still happen due to outside triggers, but we always work through it. ciel's also gotten so much better with apologizing to me when he's done something wrong which i am so insanely proud of him for because that is something he struggled with a lot and still does, but hes getting better. im still working on being more patient when it comes to him being difficult, but i think ive gotten better since ~late 2023

i am also going to be going into therapy again pretty soon, i just need to find the time to make an appointment and then set up a schedule, but we're looking forward to that because it will help me a lot with anger management and emotional outbursts, and if i learn how to help myself regarding those issues, i can also try to extend that help to ciel due to us both having those issues. taking out our anger on each other was a big part of our conabuse dynamic, and it works decently well, but we both end up feeling guilty afterwards even if the other is forgiving, so hopefully having a therapist involved to help me out will give me a way to help us both find new outlets

overall, i think things have improved quite a lot. ive made my own progress, but i also have the privilege of receiving therapy, and he doesnt, so i am especially proud of how much progress he has made since i first met him back in 2022. the fact that he is still making progress despite all of the rocky patches and setbacks is so insanely admirable to me, and i think hes doing amazing. hes grown so much, and im so so grateful that ive gotten to be by his side to watch him improve over these past two years and even more grateful that i will get to stay by his side to watch him continue to grow as a person. im so glad i have him and our pupfriend, i love them both so much, and i hope to be able to become a better girlfriend and support system to both of them as i recover :]

(sorry for the long ramble </3)

TL;DR: it has changed a lot and is generally more toned-down. also i love my boyfies so much

#🩵 — joseph.txt

7 notes · View notes

a-sip-of-milo · 7 months

Note

saw your post about good traits for a therapist to have and that youve found a good one, and i just wanted to say congrats and that ive also found one!

had a therapist for 11 years who i now realize had every red flag ever, but she was nice and my first long term therapist so i didnt realize that at the time. she ghosted me once i got a bpd diagnosis lol.

went through several that were even worse, and now ive finally found a great one!! shes also a trauma survivor and chronically ill like me, which helps a lot. we dont talk about her stuff in my sessions or anything, its just been very briefly mentioned as a way to say like, "i get how this feels and im not gonna judge you."

ive seen her a handful of times now and have just been forming a good therapist-patient relationship and learning to trust her. she asked me what kinds of therapy have helped and what i prefer to do or want to try.

im a system and i asked if i could give her some info about my headmates, since it will obviously come up at some point. she highly encouraged it and said she wants to get to know any of us that wanna participate! im making some like, lil ID card things for each headmate with a drawing and a little blurb about their personality and vibes, and im gonna make em into a slideshow or powerpoint or something!

im sorry for the wall of text, im just excited and wanted to share :)

Don't apologise, this genuinely excited me to hear!! your therapist sounds absolutely wonderful. i'm glad you've finally found one who suits you 💞

unfortunately, therapists like the ones you've mentioned above are far too common. i'm sorry you had to go through so many to find the one you're currently with. i had to do the same. The person I'm currently seeing is my fifth or sixth specialist!

#ask #tw ableism mention

17 notes · View notes

atlasofthestaars · 8 months

Note

another amazing chapter!! i would honestly love a movie marathon with them <3 and i love the focus on johnny this time, he's really just a guy with a good heart! bringing reader a blanket and a pillow :((( liu kang at the end there ....... hes so in love with the reader wtf ?!#$??!"? and bi han showing he cares in the most hostile way possible 😭😭😭 bxnsnsnd the only reason i dont want mileena as a love interest is bc i really wanted to see how you would explore her and tanyas dynamic :") kitana as a love interest tho..... thats wife 🤭 and ik this is getting long, but i have a couple questions; do you have an outline for the whole story prepared or is it being changed as you go? since you said adding shang tsung as a love interest would alter the story a bit? and (if it spoils anything, dont worry about answering!) how would you plan on ending it since reader's got a reverse harem going on? do you plan on giving reader an endgame with someone? again, sorry this got a bit long!

(p.s. can i be ☄️ anon? i plan on sticking around for the whole story hehe expect me after every chapter bcus ive subscribed to it on ao3 🫡)

Thank you so much! A movie marathon would be wonderful with the champion squad, but I can imagine how chaotic the emotional whiplash it could get if they all got to chose movies. Like imagine going from a lighthearted rom com to like??? A dark and gritty action movie LMAO I enjoyed writing for Johnny this time around, but I do worry I made him a bit (?) Out of character for his characrer progression, but I'm glad you enjoyed him nevertheless aha ^^ I did really like writing him as a dude who just means well, since he really just is that! Liu Kang is definitely feeling SOMETHING for the reader HAHA Mr. Fire God catching feels? Or is he just really nice 👀? Bi-Han struggles with showing he cares, but he really does. If only there was a therapist character to help him though HAHA Oh I definitely get why you'd want that! Mileena and Tanya's dynamic was interesting for me in this game, so I will have fun portraying that if she doesn't get voted in. If she does, uh, I'll definitely have to figure out what to do LMAOO I love Kitana 🙏 She's my fave female chara and my main in Mk1 !!

I don't mind it being ling at all, I love reading stuff like this and being able to interact with you all!! I don't know many people in my personal life who are willing to hear me obsess over Mortal Kombat like this HAHA

I do have a rough outline of the general story! As well as more defined plot points I like to hit within the arcs of the story. For example, I consider the part of the story we're in to be like the training/pre Outworld arc?? And I have certain moments with characters I want to hit before we move on with the plot! Of course, I am a very impulsive person so I leave it open and easy to change if needed. Events that happen later also tend to change to better fit the flow of the story, but I generally know the direction I want to head with everything.

I plan on giving every love interest an ending (think like endings in mortal kombat for each character!) So ideally I'd like to give each character their own unique ending/epilogue with the reader! People on AO3 also have requested a harem ending which I am open to making, but can't gaurentee due to characters like Shang Tsung. I mighttt make one without certain characters depending on how it all ends, one with everyone, or not one at all! I don't want to stress too much over that right now so that one is still up in the air whether I'll do it or not (especially since we've like, barely started ahaha)

And you can be ☄anon!! I'm happy to hear I have your support on this journey <3 and ty for supporting me there too! I love to see all the feedback from everyone, so I will happily await any comments you make! Thank you again for your kind words and support!

15 notes · View notes

chaoscriess · 2 years

Text

𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒! death, a ton of angst. reader mourns stu's death, writes him a letter to help the grieving process, cussing.

𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐄𝐒! on mobile, format might be weird. lowercase intended, unedited, double periods intended. I love writing angst and this was a great fic idea

stu x gn!reader

When you first found out about stu's death, you didnt believe it. you couldn't believe it. it just wasnt possible.

until the next day at school, when you didnt see stu, billy, or tatum, and sidney and randy both refused to talk to you.

they thought you were a monster because you were dating stu

even though you didnt even know stu was behind the mask

it hurt, it really fucking hurt.

you had nobody to talk to, and the entire town was against you.

weren't they supposed to be helping you? comforting you about the death of your boyfriend even if he was a killer? I mean, you didnt even know about it.

shouldn't they have been consoling you? even if they were lying through their teeth, shouldnt they have been telling you how sorry they were that your boyfriend turned out to be a murderer?

you had always hated woodsboro and the people in it, but now it was worse.

now you wanted to strike a match and set the whole fucking town ablaze.

they didnt even know it was billy's fault. you knew him well, he would have never even done that shit if it weren't for that cocksucking bitch billy.

you were angry, so fucking angry.

you got a therapist after a couple weeks of crying every day and not doing anything unless your mother dragged you out of bed.

your therapist told you that the best way to deal with your situation, that being having your boyfriend, the love of your life, ripped from your grasp way, way, way too soon, was to write him a letter

you were confused, how could you write him a letter if he was dead?

you had already recieved his ashes, you and his parents being the only people that showed up to his funeral

even though they were late, you still found it nice that they showed up.

back to the letter thing, your therapist told you to write a letter to him, assuming that he could read it in the afterlife, and then keep it or dump it in the sea with his ashes.

you chose to keep the letter. you chose to also keep his ashes, his parents didnt want them.

but the letter went something like this,

shit, I dont even know if this is going to work.. whatever, let's hope it does.

stu macher, the love of my life. i dont even know where to begin... from the moment I first met you, I knew you would be mine someday. ever since we met on that playset when we were seven, i knew that i would fall in love with you. and when I first realized that I had fallen in love with you, it was because of a feeling I got, not a thought about how cute you were, or how nice your shirt was, or how kind you were to me, it was the feeling that I was finally safe with someone. you made me feel safe after so many years of hating everything. it sounds stupid but I dont think it is.

when you kissed me for the first time on those swings at the same park we met at, 7 years later, I felt like nothing could ever tear us apart, like we'd be together forever. but now you're gone, and suddenly i cant find peace anymore. I cant sleep without dreaming of you, I cant eat without thinking about us cooking in my kitchen, and i cant drink anything without thinking of the stupid drinking games we would play at your stupid parties.

why did you make my life so wonderful? did you know you would kill every bit of my happiness eventually? did you know that you would leave so soon?

why did you do it? why'd you kill those people? now everyone hates you for what you did. I hate you for what you did. I know it wasnt your fault, but I cant help it.

I dont go outside anymore. every time I step off my porch, I can't help but remember our dates where we sat in the field near your house and looked up at the sky for hours.

sidney and randy hate me now, but I cant blame them. they say i was dating a monster. I dont think you're a monster..

I dont know how I'm going to recover from this, but I know I'll have to.

eventually.

I dont want to forget you.

but what if I do?

what if I forget what we had? what if I forget how your stupid cologne smells? how you feel in my arms, how your lips felt on mine.. I dont want to forget.

I dont want to move on. my mother says I have to, that I need to find someone else to take my mind off of you. I screamed at her, told her to fuck herself and that I hoped her husband died so she felt how much it hurt. I dont feel bad. I dont regret saying it.

I hate you, stu macher.

I'll never fucking forgive you for what you did to me.

and most of all, I hate that I still love you.

yours forever, y/n.

after you wrote it, you felt better. you felt like he was reading it over your shoulder the whole time.

you were still upset though.

a few months later, you accepted the fact that stu would never come back. he was gone for good.

it hurt, but you got accepted it.

and you may have accepted it, but you never truly got over it.

stu was truly the love of your life.

#chaos calling!#stu macher #stu macher x reader #stu x reader #stu macher is my soulmate #im in love with him

69 notes · View notes

faggotmox · 2 years

Note

Ranger I still love you. Even if your hockey men are trash. Mine are trash too.

Please write the hockey/sports therapist AU, I think it would be very healing for us.

- slap <3

ill write us something sweet for this. the heeling power of the weird goat man & brat boy mox.

snipet of aus:

"What are you smirking about?" Mox grunted as he preformed the small, yet hard exercise Bryan had instructed him to do.

"I'm not smirking!" Bryan chuckled as he came over. There was a quiet moment where Bryan corrected Mox's form before stepping back again. "You're just doing so good. You're determined. I like that."

"Jesus fucking Christ." Mox grunted, wondering how Bryan's gentle correction could be so nice but his fucking cheerful encouragements were grating. How could his goofy ass smile be so cute yet so fucking condescending? Mox shook his head to make himself stop thinking. "I'm not half assing this. If I lose hockey, I lose everything."

"Hey. Relax, Jon." Bryan placed one hand on Mox's wrist and the other on his shoulder. "Dont tense up. Relax." Now Bryan's voice was soothing. It was all too confusing. "I'm gonna make sure you get back on the ice. You would never half ass your rehab. Even if you try, I'll kick your fucking head in." Bryan smirked as he took the residence band from Mox.

"Yeah...Thanks." Mox sighed as he sat down. Bryan knelt in front of Mox and started working the elbow a little as Bryan checked the wounds from the surgery. One hadn't been enough. Mox needed two operations. "I hate starting over."

"You're not starting over." Bryan said as he rewrapped the arm with new bandages, still feeling to make sure nothing was hurt or out of place.

"When I'm heeled I won't even be able to curl 10 pounds." Mox grumbled. "I won't be able to use my stick like normal, I'll have to relearn." The far away look on Mox's face worried Bryan. "I'm letting my team down. I'm letting my friends down. The fans. My family." Mox sighed rubbing his forehead with his other hand.

"You're not starting over. This is a totally new challenge for you. Learning to adapt and heal is new to you." Bryan smiled softly as he took Mox's good arm and brought him to his feet. "Stop fucking pouting. You're gonna ride 3 miles on the bike so your cardio doesn't go out the window. I'm here to make sure you're not starting over and the only god damn way you're letting anyone down is by not letting yourself recover and throwing little pity parties for yourself. Come on. I'm riding next to you. Winner picks lunch." Bryan strapped the brace and sling back into place for the other man.

Mox grunted as they moved but made his way to the bikes with Bryan. The little pep talk was what Mox needed and he kind of hated that Bryan knew exactly what he needed to hear. The dude had an annoying ability to read Mox when nearly no one else on earth could. They climbed onto the bikes and started up. Bryan liked working with him, doing the work together seemed to power Mox. Since Mox was a competitive athlete it made sense. Bryan had fun and that made it harder for Mox to be a grumpy asshole. Bryan's goofy smile was infectious.

Bryan pushed Mox, and Mox liked to believe he beat Bryan fair and square but he kind of knew Bryan slowed down for him. It was actually...sweet, Mox thought. Bryan didn't want to discourage him during his recovery. When Mox was feeling better he would to him to stop.

"Alright. Where's lunch?" Bryan grinned. "Also with times like this you better thank me personally when you win the Cup next year. Your mom first then me."

"In your dreams, tree hugger." Mox smirked. "I think I know a BBQ joint. They have baked potatoes for you I'm sure." Bryan groaned loudly.

#wasnt gonna write it here but i did bc i needed to heel #jon moxley #bryan danielson #jon moxley x bryan danielson #fanfiction #wrestling fanfiction #fanfic #slap inspires me our first fight lead to this #wasnt planning to write for it at all

14 notes · View notes

elytrafemme · 2 years

Note

im here to ask a system question. warning: it might be dumb or ignorant or too intrusive or something cause i dont know what words are. ignore and delete if you want ,or answer with thumbs down emoji so that i go away for a bit

i started saying i was nonbinary online for anonymity or whatever and then i realised hey.... i like this a little too much. fast forward a year and im being theythem'd left right and center by my best friend, and i gave myself a name that i adore, and i want to do a lot more coming out to a lot more people because all i can think about at the moment is that im not a girl or a boy. im just a guy. i never expected people to be okay with this and im scared i cant live my whole life as a nonbinary person or that im just being stupid or something.

is this sort of happening with you as a system right now? not the online anonymity part i mean. but is what youre telling us Mare Enjoyers spilling into your real life? do you tell people? do your friends know? are you terrified about it all the same way i am?

i know being part of a system isnt the same as a gender crisis and its sort of ridiculous of me to phrase this question as if it is, but youre a hugehuge inspiration for me and id like to know how youre living life. or whatever

i guess im asking because this gender stuff feels like my brain is being rewritten. or electrified or something. and i wondered if being part of a syystem is a bit like that too? thanks. if you want to you can tell me to leave or die or something. thank you thanks

anon. rattles you like a maraca. im not going to tell you to die for asking me a well intentioned question 😭 like you're okay i promise, hands you an autumn leaf i found outside <3

that being said i worry i can't give you an adequate answer because im not sure how to make an apt comparison here? my experience with gender myself has been kind of all over the place but mostly boiled down to "i'll just let people find out through some means and we'll go from there"

a little diff from your experience but there are similarities maybe? also i totally get the like, staying anonymous to oh Shit gender pipeline .and im glad you have a lotta supportive people in your life; i think so long as you've got yourself, and you've got a support system, you can live the rest of your life the way you want to! i mean all you really need is yourself but its nice having people to affirm it. so i think u will be okay :D <3

the system stuff is. weird. because okay i do have a thin thread that ties this account to my IRLs and that thin thread is that my closest friend follows this account. which has been kind of a risky maneuver but ultimately my thing is like, if xe finds out then... xe finds out? and we move on. me and my best friend have the benefit of familiarity and also knowing when to let sleeping dogs lie, so i'm not really worried about that.

what DOES scare me is other people IRL finding out, which is kind of different to any of my experiences with sexuality or gender or anything. because for better or for worse i'm sort of an open book, i have a pretty expressive face i've been told and i'm in a pretty accepting school so i just kinda. let shit happen.

of course having a dissociative disorder is really different though because that could legitimately get me into some really shitty situations in a psychiatric context. one of the things protecting me here is the fact that it's more like... i "have" a "dissociative disorder". i might share many characteristics with OSDD-1b, but i'm not going to diagnose myself and my therapist isn't going to diagnose me and both of our reasonings boil down to wanting to prevent me from getting labeled or hospitalized or sterilized or whatever the hell the modern psychiatric biz is still justifying as appropriate measures.

the 'rewritten' part of what you said REALLY resonates, because i think the hardest part about not having my IRLs know is less like ... it's not really that i need them to know about the others. sure it'd be nice to explain the joke that i laughed at out of nowhere (to them) and say that it was klav sassing me about something, but that's not really necessary when i have you all here?

it's more like. well. i myself, as in me, mare, am the host. but i don't know if i was the host forever. most of my mental health recovery has been purposeful and good and hard work on my part, sure. but there was a weird point in time where i had this barrier i couldn't bypass, and one day i just woke up and did. and it just so happened that when i got to that place, i also became more aware of the others (though i hadn't known it was them at the time). a lot that leads me to think i haven't been the host forever.

and i don't need people to know that, exactly. our memories are the same, there's a few blocked out periods but those aren't really the memories i want to recall with anybody IRL anyway and i'm sure they aren't interested in thinking about it either. it's just... there's a very strange grief with knowing that you aren't exactly... the same person? that has been here the whole time. it's very weird. like really fucking weird. and it's kind of hard to live sometimes knowing that i can't really reference who i was before i was 16 without the thought of "that wasn't you."

in the end, the reason that i'm part of a system is because i underwent trauma and my brain needed a way to cope with it. people aren't supposed to be able to tell when me and dahlia switch during school because dahlia fronts when i'm distressed and unable to function, so it's just an attempt to keep me functioning, not her trying to say hi. et cetera. in the end, my classmates aren't really having these weird meet and greets with my alters -- they're around to keep us all afloat.

maybe someday i'll tell people in real life about them. but at the end of the day it's all just one large coping mechanism, with a shit ton of cons and a lot of mental fuckery. and of course it's not just a coping mechanism to ME but it would be that to other people. does that make sense? it's just like any of the other vague coping mechanisms i've mentined to people to explain why i'm so happy so frequently despite everything.

so to summarize all that, i am pretty terrified of people IRL finding out. it could get me into some really yikes situations, and it's also just fucking complicated to explain. but if i did explain it, i would just frame it as a coping mechanism, and i'm sure over time people would stop caring so much.

i've been rambling kind of a lot because this is sort of complicated. it's inevitable someone finds out at some point; i just hope it's in a setting where we're alone and i can explain.

coming out as being part of a system is probably less terrifying than the experience of being part of a system, so it's all uphill. and i think some parts of explaining it would be more terrifying than others, so it's all relative. uphill and relative.

sorry this is rambly, i was thinking about all this just this morning actually? it has a lot of facets to it. saying that i'm not the same person that has always hosted is probably infinitely harder to admit than saying "yeah i have a part of my brain that holds my desperation and helplessness so that in my day to day life i don't feel those emotions as much."

would i like to be open about being a system to everyone? maybe, but it's not necessary. if i'm marrying someone then yes, i'd like them to know. but if we're close friends, or just friends in general, all i really care about is my friends knowing that i'm okay. and that i'm getting through life. the means of how i'm getting through it aren't really relevant to the conversation, imo.

hope you're welll, anon, sorry for rambling this much. and if my IRL following this account does see this, i'm okay lmao also my homeocming fit is so good you're gonna love it ok see u later love u. and i don't know, really, but. yeah. i don't know exactly.

TLDR yeah it's terrifying, but hopefully i have some kind of safeguard against bad consequences following coming out. i am sure if i explained to people in my life they would eventually understand, though some parts of it would be harder to phrase so i would probably leave a few things out. if i'm marrying someone i would probably let them know but otherwise i don't think it's necessary my friends know my coping mechanisms, just that i'm coping. it's not just a coping mechanism to me, but it would be if i were to explain it.

#nightmare.ask #long post #nightmare.system #holy SHIT i talked a lot sorry #i was just crying over this in the morning so i have a lot of thoughts

3 notes · View notes

wonderfail33 · 6 months

Text

imma write here cause on another blog i have posted something in support of palestine and i genuinely want to continue with that.

however i am also tired. and ashamed of being tired. i am horrified and numb at the same time.

i fail because of "boycott fatigue" (i fall into old habits in a careless, tired, maybe ill moment) and my thought process is that this one time doesnt matter because i am still generally following the boycott, and it also doesnt make a difference because so many people arent.

such as my friends.

people that i love deeply have refused to sign a petition at the very start of the "war" for pur country to demand ceasefire.

people that i love dearly have confused palestine for pakistan and i was left speechless.

at moments i wonder: how can i care so deeply? one might argue that i dont care deeply enough if im imperfect with my boycott. one might argue that i am a privileged brat for being exhausted after so little.

but i care deeply enough for it to affect me mentally.

i cannot follow content to keep up with events because it makes me genuinely depressive (rightly so. everything is horrifying).

i cannot sit in peace if im not shown content about current events. i dont want to be complicit, but i am, by the fact that i am born in europe. i could be a literal saint and would still be complicit.

i cannot make peace with this.

and there are other things. and im depressed in general. today i was in the city centre, it was a bright day with fresh air, a blue sky, and i was waiting for my bus. i felt like my life is a mistake, beause my brain cannot be happy similarly to how i have seen other people be happy. i looked up at a seagull flying overhead, saw the way the sunlight lit up its feathers. the world is beautiful. and i wanted to cry.

a homeless man stopped to ask me if i was crying and why.

i feel fake, i feel alien, i feel useless and i feel complicit. who would i talk to? therapy is white supremacy.

my therapist has told me that i focus my energy on current events to escape my life and find emotional release. such a double bind

i want to care about current events, i want to help other people, and yet there is this question to it. do i are to avoid my own life? i don't do this on purpose. and i would hate myself if i had to force myself to not care.

my natural state is caring about this. and i wonder why. it feels broken, relative to other people. so many in my surroundings only care about themselves.

a tangent. i genuinely suck at feminine beauty. i wonder why. my mother is a beautiful woman. she was a beautiful girl. my father is handsome. my ancestors are beautiful. why do i fail at beuty, then?

i fail at skincare because it wasnt taught to me. i know my mother had beauty products, old makeup, that always felt like a treasure when i managed to get into it. she didnt use them. and she also didnt teach me to use them. my mother was busy with her mental health and with my brother.

she commented on how nicely i grew up by myself (while my brother had to be raised / developed because of his disabilities). and then she looks at me and wonders where her little girl is.

her little girl is so abandoned. she is so lost. she has been alone for 20 years. she felt ignored, she felt attacked, she felt that she was not defended, she needed to grow up, be smart, be responsible qnd needed to take it.

now that im all grown up she feels like she has missed out on being my mother. and she has!

my father has been physically abusive and i still feel more...attached to him. god i just realised why i have disorganized attachment.

[there is no intent, this is just emotion i want to express] i want to die at this point.

this is why so many artists have offed themselves at 27. at this loint, either you have grown into a secure person, or you may not be aware of your issues and compensate well...or, and i think this is the dangerous option, you may be aware of some of your issues and they just feel so overwhelming. you might think, my frontal lobe is now done. i am an adult. i can look back at my life and reflect on it and i see a lot of shitty events. i can look back on my childhood expectations and see that i have failed so much of them. i can look at my inner teen and they won't even look back. and i can look at my recent mindset and expectations and all this in one big pile feels like too much shit for my recently adult brain to handle.

i just think of how i'm only gonna get "older", of how i am a "useless" woman, if i were a man i would at least be a fucking bachelor or some shit but im just a lonely unwanted woman that doesnt even want kids so she will die alone...

oh god i am so fucked in the head.

so yeah its not (only?) that i want to take my mind off myself with current events but once i realise how i relate to current events, it's all just too much.

second tangent.

i started thinking about how i even knew about palestine. and the holocaust. i saw posts that american parents try to figure out when to tell kids about the nazis. and i dare not mention how poc kids grow up, with all the racism there. an i realised i did not learn of palestine, jewish people, or even the holocaust from my parents. no, i was a good little child, i read fiction, and i read my fathers medical biology textbook (idk, i loved it). i learned of these in school, from a teacher who managed to somehow speak to my neglected teenage heart who just wanted society to all play nice, and from her i learned of the palestinian people. in history calss i heard first of the holocaust, but this teacher mentioned it 2 years earlier and i had 0 clue what she was talking about. my classmates did, though.

i have always been behind on trends, pop culture, whatever else, partly because my parents took pg ratings very seriously. and partly because i was so isolated from other kids. i feel like i grew up in a tower, isolated, where visitors were allowed but never encouraged, and i... i wish i could undo that. i dont want to be the kid thats out of the loop and i dont want to learn qbout horrific things years after my peers have.

oh god i feel so useless.

"why do you feel useless, it was not your job as a teen to intuit this shit" idk man. i always felt so ashamed when i didnt know stuff that others did. not even because i was expecting to be better than them. but i didnt want to be less than them.

i am so done with the games i had to play as a human, as a girl. i wish i had been a plant instead.

my mother hugged me when i was little, and sometimes instead of nighttime stories, she told me about the "communist" dictatorship in our country that happened when she was young. why the fuck did she not tell me about the holocaust? or palestine? did i have to learn about hannuka from fucking arthur the animated series?

i also miss my grandparents. i know it has been very long since i talked with them. however i simply cannot make myself. i am ashamed of my grandfather, and i am angry at him. he is supposed to be an intelligent man! and he has such a bad worldview, he has prejudices that he himself days he had contrary experiences to, and yet he holds them! i am supposed to love him but his views disgust me! i am supposed to love my grandmother, who couldnt forgive my mother for divorcing my father once their relationship had become toxic, and who trusted her son so little that she wanted to get information out of me, the woman that made herself a pity party when i was failing at university! how can i love them? how can i hate them? why are these feelings so close to each other?

im pretty sure i have also hurt my family members. i dont wanna say these were justified, that would be fucking foolish. but i was a kid and it was their job to introduce me to living in society and in my opinion they have fucking failed at that!

did they fail because of their own malice? no! they were doing their best! but your best is not enough for 2 kids when one is disabled, no one has processed their own traumas and we are also living in a postcommunist country years behind "the west"! it was simply not fuckig enough! and i dont want to say that its my brothers fault because how the fuck would it be, it is also not my fault that i was born... but it was his appearance that stirred this cocktail the most.

on the other hand, i simply cannot die, being a daughter of witches, nazis, drunks and cheaters, i still was born and given the opportunity to do something! i just need a way.

0 notes

manifesting-mari · 1 year

Text

Morning Pages 1/20/2023

I usually do my morning pages after my meditation and prayers, but today the voices in my head are so loud that i wanna let them talk. Theres a part of me thats starting to worry, just like 1%, that im undiagnosed and should be seeking some kind of mental health help. And i do have a therapist, but id ont have the money right now to pay for an appointment. I feel very much ungrounded and in my head. Maybe this is why meditation is so important. It allows me to connect with my body and not be swimming with all the thoughts inside of me. I really feel very cerebral right now. It could also be that i dont have cannabis. I do have canna bis but in edible form, i wonder what it would be like to take an edible before my meditation and prayers.

Its a nice day today. Im thinking about taking an edible and going to my meditation and prayers at the beach. Or maybe i’ll do my meditation and prayers at home and then just go for a walk. It si friday today, so i’d like to make sure that i’m not on the roads by 3 pm today. I dont wanna be in any traffic.

I can feel so many thoughts swimming around in my head that i cant really land on just one. The one thats coming forward is this version of myself that wants to do things and be productive, whose value is placed in her ability to show accomplishments. But theres another one holding her hand. It the part of me that knows that in the grand scheme of things the accomplishments and productivity are not definitions of the value I have as a person. I was gonna type that they dont matter, but in a way they do. I want to feel productive and accomplished in certain areas of my life because it helps me feel better and brings me closer to a version of myself that is able to enjoy life more fully.

I think about all the different things im into right now. Pole, tarot, comedy. I feel like there’s something there that wants to be integrated all together. I keep getting this inkling that i need to mix my comedy and psychic abilities. Maybe i just need to try things and let them grow. I’m grateful I can be weird and do things people dont expect. I know in my heart that i’m doing something that no one else has done before. I know i\that i am a connection to this divine creation and its speaking through me. Maybe i need to do less manipulation and more surrender. Ahhhh the surrender part is always scary for me. I have a hard time trusting. Trusting myself, trusting the universe. I wonder what can help me with these trust issues.

I’m also noticing now the part of me that feels tired. It feels drained and wants more sleep. I went to be around 1:30 and woke up at 8. Thats 7 hrs. Maybe i need more. The feeling i have now is the same sleepy feelings i get in some of my lucid dreams. When im moving around in my dream but still feel so tired. I think that means theres n=more subconmcious rest and healing that needs to be tended to.

Im nto sire what i’m tying now but i’m just letting myself types. Idk. i enjoy typing and writing. I think i have some interesting shit to say. Like, i’d buy my own album. Maybe thats why no one is about my shit. Am i even about my shit. I am. I’m really about me. I stand for me and i’d go to bat for me. I see me and i have so much more compassionf or myself now than i did before. I see the ways i am doing my goddamn best and i am proud of the work i’m doing. I’m grateful to have amazing people in my life to point that all out to me. I’m grateful to be able to be myself in my fullest expression, whatever that means. I get to be exactly who i am now. What a privilege. I get tp be authentic and real and honest with myself and with others. If i’m not sure or if i dont know i wont lie or i wont tell stpories to seem more interesting. If i catch myself starting to embellish i’;ll stop and take a beat and think, is this a real thing i want to share or do i just wanna amke myself seem more whatever in order for people to like me

I liek being liked. Its the validation for me. I need to remind myself that i am valued for my aiuthticity and honesty. I am valued for my honesty and realness. Thats what i like about myself. I want to become softer. I wnat to be less aggressive and be softer and more patient and loving with myself and others. Allow myself to be imperfect. Allow myself to be. Even when writing this i wanna go back and edit it. Fix all the grammar mistakes and mispellings. But i’m trying not to. I wanna let this just be. Just let the mistakes happen. Feel the crunchiness in all of it. See where i can be more present and more grounded in this experiment we call life.

To be honest, thirty years feels liek a lot and a little at the same thing. Like when you think about it, for the first like 2 to 4 years youre not even conscious. Like, there are no memories at all. And from 4 - 10 youre still trying to get all the social and motor skills to be a basic human being. And then from 11-25 youre body is changing and growing and you have all these hormones and things are constantly and quickly shifting. And then your late 20’s hit an dyoure finally waking up to what being a human adult is and feels like. So you hit your thirties and its liek youre a toddler again. Especially in a spiritual and emotional sense, i feel like i’m just getting the hang of this shit.

I keep hearing from my older firends that 40 is much more fulfilling and enjoyable than your 30’s. And that how i feel about my 30’s compared to my 20’s. And maybe thats just because i have people in my life who live very intentionally. I think its time for me to start living inteltionally. I intend to live a healing life filled with growth and expansion. I intend to live a life where integration and compassion are the foundation of my relationship with myself and others. I intend to live a life that facilitates joy and creativity. When i types the growth and expansion thing, i felt something inside of me. I felt a part of me thats scared of expansion. Thats scared to take on responsibility. That doesnt trust myself to treat this new things with intentionality and care. Maybe its the growth and expansion i dont need right now. Maybe i intend to live a healing life filled with compassiona nd joy. That feel really good. An di think the growth and expansion is a side effect of the compassion.

I’ve been using these words a lot, especially compassion. Simply because i never really felt that from myself. I could see how other people were compassionate with me, but i was still in the oppressed and oppressor mode within myself. Any part of me that feels oppressed will be embraced with love and care. Any part of me that wants to fight and be aggressive will be embraced with love and care. I am grateful these parts of me are here. The oppressed part deeply empathizes with the pain in the world and inspired grounded me to make choices where i can shift away from those cycles and instead place more love and healing into the world. The aggressive part of me sees the important of standing in my truth and not feeding back into the negative cycles. I forgive the parts of me that fed into the cycles. I forgive the parts of other that feed into the cycles. We are all coping.

It hurts when i choose to be compassionate and i meet with someone who is in their aggression. I can empathize with the aggression, but choos enot to act on it. I would usually act on it. I still do have some repressed anger that has difficulty coming forward. Or maybe i’m just not really an angry person. When i am honest and authentic and i speak my truth and i have people around me who can hold space and validate my feelings, the aggression is able to be massaged out, rather than exploding like it did in the past. I am ashamed that that happened but i have so miucih love for those parts of me that didnt know any better.

Now i know better. Now i know my body is truly in charge. My nervous system hold the key to lots of these mysteries about myself. I wanna grab that book, the body keeps the score. I can fele the tension around my neck and body. I think there is guilt that is still stored there. I can feel the energy reserves around my stomach and neck. Its like my body developed these storage units to safe the energy for when i truly need it, and maybe it now. Maybe now is the time i truly need to start transmuting the energy in my stomach into something else.

Im looking forward to my meditation and prayers now. Im gonna do them at home cause its so comfy in my bed right now. What am I transmuting? That will be the question. And i wonder if i need to be conscious of the transmuting. Will my body do it by myuselkf and iu need to just give it rest, care, and compassion. My body heals itself, i am the facilitator. How do i facilitate this healing? What space do i need? What food do i need? What do i need to provide myself to facilitate the healing. I just need to be present for myself and be present for my experience. What i am feeling and what i am going through is real and valid and i understand that i cannot force or change the path i’m on. That is unsustainable. I am the one to bring ease and joy into the work that my body knows it needs to do. I am grateful to know myself in this way. I want my body to be strong and healthy so we can keep facilitation for ourselves and in the future, for others.

#morning pages #the artists way

0 notes

bellsliturgy · 1 year

Text

sry for the lack of activity on my part here it’s been v stressful wrt the crimis season i’m dealing with a lot of small things and a couple really big things and it makes me want to eat my own hands more details under the cut if ur interested (tw mention of a horrible certain swamp scum transphobe author; fellow transpersons beware)

1) my gma is 85 and is on her last legs idk how much longer she’s got left in her and with her being in the hospital with afib (atrial fibrillation for those who dont know, basically her heart is beating 2 fast and out of rhythm (but afib can be any kind of heart beating speed, it just means it’s Not Normal) and the winter storm she is staying with us which means my mom is more Aggressive and Demanding and Hateful towards me and dad bc idk i guess hosting ur small quiet kind grandma calls for attacking your husband and child (very important ingredient cannot skip)(btw my grandma is fine she’s just very weak and is struggling to physically move around by herself but insurance company is refusing to let her go to a physical rehab center for treatment???? lol????? hashtag AICAB (all insurance companies are bastards)

2) speaking of whom i also came out to my mom as trans after an argument abt justa kunt r*wling (mom doesnt know anything abt how nasty of a creature wizard bitch is but i’m still like mom pls there are better authors out there with fictional work that isn’t harmful) book that she bought for my cousin’s step-daughter (she’s fucking NINE) and i was so triggered i was like i need to get this out it’s weighing on me (it was every time i wanted to come out to her and didn’t it was so damaging to me mentally) so that was wild and lukewarm but she didn’t kick me out of the house and says she loves me and wouldn’t reject me no matter what (unless grandma is around??? for some reason idk) so while that is a good thing it’s still been a very hard birthday month for ya boi greg

3) i’m also on the phones at work which in itself isn’t a bad thing because the calls i get are from ladies who work at the courts across the state and they are for the most part very nice and easy to work with but i have Big Phone Anxiety thanks to my time working at the call center for the same agency (i don’t even answer the phone at home anymore and i get scared when it rings, members of public are nasty and i hate them and they belong in a zoo) so that’s causing me anxiety at night andd also at work even tho when i’m actually talking on the phone it’s not really an issue it’s just the Anticipation of a Call

4) i’m in therapy!!!! with a transgender therapist and he’s WONDERFUL but we are focusing more on cbt (cognitive behavioral therapy) which is digging up a lot of pain for me and forcing me to deal with my emotions and my past trauma so THAT’s A LOT and now i have “I came Out to my MOM” for him for next time so that will be interesting (i need to just let myself cry in front of him i have a VERY hard time crying in front of ppl bc i was horribly abused for crying at a babysitter’s house but that’s 1) very heavy and 2) neither here nor there)

5) BEACUSE OF ALL THE STRESS and cold weather my lip split open and 2 canker sores formed in the split area so that’s been cool

6) christmas is just stressful for me and also my mom has been On One this whole month because murphy’s law keeps going into effect w grandma being in the hospital and her brother my uncle suggesting we have christmas separate because of covid (he and my aunt both had covid VERY recently), grandma being sick in the hospital, and the winter storm and i also have 3 cakes i’m baking so THAT’s stressful to think about and i just want it to be over lollll

#anyway sorry if u look under the cut #it is a Lot #pls feel free to ignore what's under the cut #idm i'm just venting #my friend at work is also trying to get me to do tiktok vids #which i'd like to do but #LOL??#not yet gurl i'm losing hair rn #ANYWAY;;;#hope yall are having a good one and my fellow Winter Storm Endurers stay safe and warm #and have a happy holiday w/e u celebrate #i'm turning to wicca to get some semblance of order and peace back in my life so i'm learning a lot abt yule rn #:D #delete later #OOC.

0 notes

toadkisses · 2 years

Text

alistairs years in review part three

alistair is continuing his public journaling; the gist is i am writing down a summary of the life events that have gone on in the past two years or so, since i used to lifepost a lot more on here. its been nice reflecting especially since i can see a bend up ahead where my life will change again somehow.

this entry will be about the medical adventures ive been on including misdiagnosed diabetes and hrt stories.

part one about dog grooming school / part two about meeting my wife

this will contain discussion of eating disorders, suicide, and medical stuff! be warned :K oh and me coming out to my family

i dont have a clear "where we left off" point like i did last time! the beginning of this saga is in july or august of 2021. rose and i had been dating for a few months but already called each other our wife. i begin working in a corporate dog grooming salon, and i like it well enough; my manager can be taxing at times but i get along well with my coworkers.

i came out to my parents as trans right before starting the job, and it didnt go as badly as it does for some people but didnt go as well as i dreamed?

it was impulsive. i told my mom i was trans, and i thought things were maybe okay? rose was there, my mom and i cried a lot, and my mom told me i had to be in charge of my dad.

i felt sick to my stomach because coming out was the first thing i could remember doing entirely for myself and my comfort without prioritizing other people. rose and i went and got food so i could collect myself some.

after getting home, i was asked to come talk to both my parents. it felt more standoffish? like i was in trouble? i told my dad and said i would answer any questions they had. and my mom was kind of weird like "thats a big thing to just toss out here" and i was like "well i feel really really really bad making problems like this" and she said that i wasnt making problems but i also didnt get like "you have trusted us with this information we love you"

i actually had an appointment with my shrink the next day and my mom came with, where doctor confirmed gender stuff is something ive been talking about for years and its not just out of nowhere. and i cried a lot about how bad i felt for having to come out and how i was worried about disappointing my parents etc etc

and i think for a little bit it helped, like i was able to be in the same room as my parents without wanting to run but we had a meeting all three of us that i dont remember a lot of besides my dad accidentally saying im not a boy and my therapist exclusively using she and birthname for me. i didnt feel like i had anyone on my side and i remember thinking about trying to find somewhere to crash until i could get an apartment because i was so upset. which i didnt do because it wasnt economically feasible haha. but yeah it went really poorly and i refused to tell them my preferred name because i was so hurt. i actually never told them! they know it from like mail i got but we have not had the conversation.

i actually went back to my shrink a while later and she lead with the amazing blunder of "yeah, when we finished up last time i was worried 'i wonder if shes never coming back'. oh, oops, ali im so sorry" like GIRL you REALLY fumbled this one right out the gate

anyway i did tell my mom i was going to look into getting hrt but besides that we have had very few conversations about Alistair Gender. things are normal, im able to be around them which is good because i live here, they try not to call me overtly feminine things? we still do activities like we did before. it was sweet that apparently they had a conversation about shutting down any possible trans jokes their friends might make when we went to visit them (to clarify NOT jokes at my expense, they dont know and would be very abashed if they did happen to make one at my expense, they were preparing in case the topic came up in abstract and someone cracked a joke, that they would make clear they dont approve of being a jackass about it. end clarification)

a year later uhhhhh coming out is still defined by regret but different than it used to be? like instead of my previous "why did i do this i feel so bad for making a fuss about myself", now i wish i hadnt come out because i was and am happy with the family dynamics we have, and realized that like its not disingenuous for me to be different people for different people? like of course my mom interacts with and experiences and perceives me differently than my brother or my girlfriend does, but the person they all know is still me? and i feel bad because i put my mom in a difficult position because she didnt want to out me by talking to her friends about this big emotional event, so she was left to deal with it on her own. and maybe ill feel differently someday but its how i feel now which i guess is why its good to journal it. in summation i feel like suffering for everyone could have been avoided if i had realized coming out isnt mandatory.

i need to tell them all this still and who knows when that will happen haha. especially since, after taking testosterone for 9 months, i feel like WAY more comfortable in my skin and have no desire to tell any other family members or coworkers about gender stuff, because it doesnt make me uncomfortable to be seen as a woman. ive actually been wondering if 14 year old alistair was right all along and im just a transmasc lesbian? food for thought. not what this post is about.

anyway. BACKGROUND INFORMATION DONE GOD THIS IS GONNA BE SO LONG.

i went to an informed consent clinic and the doctor is super cool, like him a lot. they took bloods from me. my blood glucose was high but i had eaten like right before.

next appointment. i get the prescription for testosterone but they took another non fasting glucose and it was still higher than normal, so they draw blood to check my A1C. i also didnt really uh get taught how to do my injections? because my doctor told a nurse "he needs his flu shot and instructions on how to do his injections", and she uh. just assumed that i could not be the aforementioned "he". so i was checking out and said like "nobody told me how to do injections", the receptionist calls my doctor over like "nobody told her how to do her injections", he tracks down a different nurse who spends 60 seconds with me and tells me to watch a youtube video. it is worth noting that this IS specifically a pride clinic that advertises itself as such? spoiler alert i did wind up filing a formal complaint like "i understand why im getting misgendered, but im worried about how it might impact the wrong patient and it DID impact my quality of care" after i had a prescription issue and they were like "she needs her testosterone filled"

i got my A1C results back and it was a 7, which put me past prediabetes and in the diabetic range. i was leaving on a trip to visit friends in texas in like two days, and the only medical person who could see me to tell me what everything meant was a nurse practitioner.

it was a really dreadful experience ;_; she told me to cut out soda and desserts, watch what i eat, and theyd retest my A1C in three months to see if i was still elevated. and i told her i dont do soda or desserts, and that i was worried about really closely monitoring my food, (specifically checking nutritional labels and calorie counting), because of my history with restrictive eating and purging. and i asked if she had any advice on how to avoid a relapse like that and she honest to god told me "dont look at that part of the label"

i also asked if i should get my thyroid checked because i was already following all the diet rules they recommended, was active at my job, and had no family history of diabetes. BUT I DO HAVE A FAMILY HISTORY OF THYROID DISORDERS. and she was like "yeah sometimes it just happens. probably dont need to check those"

to add insult to injury the trip to texas was stupendously awful and i am not friends with them anymore!

i had my first testosterone shot on september 20th 2021. it was really cool.

when i got home from our trip, i stopped eating bread, pasta, rice, milk, and anything sweet, since i was told "carbs bad" but not given any guidance beyond that? so i stuck to a diet of like. salad with olive. chicken and beef. cheese sometimes. beans. maybe an apple BUT NOT TOO MUCH FRUIT THATS SUGAR.

i saw an endocrinologist in january, and my A1C had dropped into prediabetic range. she referred me to a dietician since i told her unfortunately she also said i should write down "i hate ice cream" whenever i craved it, which. wasnt great for my eating disorder brain. she also took me off my antidepressants because some of them can cause insulin resistance. this was really unfortunate because come to find out, mine is not one of those.

after three weeks of awful antidepressant withdrawal symptoms, i saw the dietician. and like i feel bad being like "these people didnt help me" because they were all really pleasant but God it was not helpful to be given a mass produced booklet about how to lose weight and fix your bloods, when i was already following a more restrictive diet than they recommended and at a bmi they liked. and i told her going in like "I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER, IM WORRIED THIS WILL MAKE ME RELAPSE" and she still gave me the calorie counts. ;_;

the next day at work i think i honestly had a mental breakdown? i still groomed all my dogs but i was openly crying while i was doing it, my coworkers were really worried. i was the most suicidal ive been in years. i didnt see why i should continue to live if i had to work at a very stressful job, get yelled at by customers every day (you know how retail is), not get paid enough to live independently, and track what i ate every day while fighting a relapse. i wasnt even ABLE to take a lunch most days because my manager had the habit of overbooking us.

i narrowly avoided being taken to the ER. my Big Manager was actually really cool about me taking a few days off until i could see my shrink for Emergency Appointment Alistair Is In Crisis. i was at home for a couple days.

then a very close friend attempted suicide and eventually passed. i dont feel comfortable giving more detail than that because he was a fairly private person.

i resigned from my job. i lost 20 pounds because i stopped eating. i stopped seeing my shrink. longtime alistair fans may remember that puberty really fucked up my mental health, so out of desperation, i stopped taking my testosterone in hopes that i might get ANY amount of relief. and it did take me from "lying in bed trying to figure out how to kill myself without destroying my girlfriend and family" to "hoping i get killed in a freak accident". i was also able to start eating a bit more regularly, and i wasnt restricting any specific foods.

three months post-breakdown i was finally able to see a nurse practitioner to see what antidepressant i could take without messing up my sugars. turns out the antidepressant i could take was the one i HAD BEEN ON. so started that back up. nurse was really great, she was interested in having my thyroid checked as well as my A1C. and it turned out my A1C was back in normal range, but my thyroid stuff was abnormal and likely causing the blood sugar issues! fuck me running! and i did confirm with hrt doc that testosterone wouldnt make those abnormal, if anything it would just make t less effective.

still figuring out what to do about thyroid stuff but cool to know we could have maybe avoided a lot of this food suffering if theyd agreed to test my thyroid when i asked.

i dont seriously consider killing myself anymore! which is great! and while i still monitor what im eating and my weight, i DO eat three meals a day again and have stopped losing weight.

ive regressed in a lot of ways though. like im a good driver, i drove 3000 miles to texas and back without incident, ive navigated chicago traffic, i know what im doing. but even driving to the store is paralyzing, i have anxiety attacks trying to drive through town. talking on the phone is hard again. i have a lot of difficulty being around strangers, and being in public drains me very quickly. im always expecting someone to yell at me. the nurse who prescribed me my stuff referred me to a therapist for ptsd, but he kind of told me to go see my old shrink since ive been seeing her since i was like 14 haha.

i did go see her last month and was able to reorient some goals, what i think has been working for me vs not, etc. and i actually feel optimistic that working with her will go well? she wants me to add an anti anxiety med which i am PRAYING will help

onto more positive things. testosterone was really cool. bottom growth happened like within the first few days, which i was pumped about. my voice dropped, its not super deep but its a noticeable change. i really liked the new body hair but a lot of it went away when i had to stop :-(

like its weird the only lasting changes have been voice and bottom growth, but i feel so much more confident and happy body wise (editors note that my eating disorder stuff has always been more linked to control than physical appearance, this isnt a contradiction)

ummmmmmmmm i feel like we're caught up on my major life events. going forward...

get anxiety drug

contact job counseling

biggest stressor these days is needing a job but still being fucked up brain. im looking for help there. lets see if i find it! life goes on forever and ever and ever though. eventually something will happen. hopefully it will be good! it could be bad. but bad things keep happening and i keep living through them to new things. so i guess it has to be okay because it will be given enough time. ta-da!

#alistair talking post #god this is long #again ftr nobody has to read all this #youre allowed to! but i do it mostly for nostalgia and self reflection #not proofread ive been writing for forever

0 notes

palavrasdeputaria · 2 years

Text

Sitting in the parking lot at the pharmacy, I need to go in and get my prescription but I am waiting for the crying to stop. Waiting for my face to look normal enough.

Today has already been a hard one. I spent the weekend trying to spend time with several different people, anything to get me out of the house.

Everything keeps falling through, which happens, but it is getting hard to be alone right now.

My plan, the plan, a plan for dying has been sitting so heavy in my head. My whole life I have intentionally made them a little too elaborate, as a deterrent.

There is only one piece left in this plan and thankfully it is the most elaborate. So hopefully I can find a way to step away from it.

I have spent most of the last week staying out of the house because being home alone isnt safe.

I walk for hours sometimes, until my legs go numb. I sit in parks until my toes get too cold. I used to drive around, but I cant afford the gas right now.

All of this works but it also means nothing gets done at home. I am not doing what I need to do to make money, or cleaning or even packing and selling things off like I should be.

So I get home from distracting myself and now there are more things I have failed at staring at me.

It is a cycle I cannot get out of. I had to stop therapy because I couldnt afford it anymore. I am on waitlists for several therapists that are cheaper but who knows when that will happen.

I am trying with everything I have to keep myself alive and I still dont even know why.

Perhaps some ingrained instinct for self preservation?

I think the part of my death plan that makes me the saddest is that I would put a large sign on my front door that says “CALL 911”

Because I dont want my body to sit and rot. I dont want my neighbor to have to find me or smell me: And I know nobody will come looking for me for at least a couple of weeks. I dont want the cats to go hungry.

For me when I have reached the culmination of my suicidal thoughts, things always go quiet. There is a lot of turmoil then suddenly it all feels really clear and thats when it is most dangerous. Thats when youre reaching the end.

I have had moments of that lately and its why I am trying so hard to stay away from it. Once you have let your death plan become reality the worry melts away and you have this glorious bright relief that washes over you.

I am throwing away more and more pieces of my life everyday. Trying to make it as small as possible. Or maybe I am trying to make the cleanup easier, I really dont know for sure.

There is a lot I dont know.

What I do know is that today I am going to try really hard to keep myself alive. I might succeed and I wish I could say that gave me peace, but it doesnt.

I think about my friend Louise a lot and I wonder if I would get to see her on the other side.

The last time I saw her I brought her soup and we sat on her porch. The sun was warm and she was so vibrant. That was the week before she killed herself.

I hope somebody gets to have a nice memory like that for me.

#crying in the walgreens parking lot #I'm really scared today

0 notes