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shakespeareanwannabe · 1 month

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As You Wish, Chapter 10

Summary: When arriving at Camp Silver Star, Abby Floyd was anticipating a summer of adventure with an ocean separating her from the three people she loved most: her mom, her Uncle Bob and her Aunt Natasha. But after a run in with Charlie Seresin, an extremely familiar looking and irritating camper in a different cabin, her summer plans take a turn that neither girl ever could have expected.

Trigger Warnings: reader's children are described as being blond with green eyes because genetics are wild and Jake's genes are strong, reader is canonically Bob's sister (but biological relation is never discussed), reader goes by Buttercup and is tattooed, angst, panic attack, drinking, sadness, reference to divorce, kids doing sneaky things, swearing, character falling in the pool

A/N: No flashback for this one because I wanted to jump right into the chapter you've all been waiting for!

Hotel Zaza, Now

Charlie kept her eyes peeled as she scanned the lobby for her mother, her father, and her potential future stepmother. She couldn’t believe that Uncle Bob had lost her mother. It was literally his only job in this whole operation.

Beside her, Natasha grumbled under her breath, echoing her thoughts. “…great WSO, terrible wingman,” she had just finished grumbling, leaning against a large white column as her one good eye surveyed the people coming and going. “Heads up, there’s your mom,” Nat jerked her head as Buttercup rushed from the elevator, clad in her yoga pants and tank top from earlier.

Charlie groaned as she saw her father and a blond young woman emerge from the crowd, the woman looking around as though looking for someone before heading to the front desk. “Oh crap, they’re gonna end up right next to each other!”

“Would it be so bad if they did? Takes the pressure off you and Abby to be the ones to reintroduce them,” Nat shrugged.

“I don’t know! Javy and Roo always made it seem like the world would end if my parents ended up in the same room together,” Charlie moaned, watching anxiously as her mother and the blond that she guessed was Savannah came closer and closer to each other, Jake trailing behind with his eyes on his phone.

Beside her, Nat rolled her eyes. “Yeah, well, Javy always had a knack for the dramatic.”

“I thought you liked my dramatics, Phoenix?” a deep voice sounded from behind them, and they both turned.

Javy stood smiling at them; his thick arms crossed against his chest.

“Uncle Javy!” Charlie launched herself at him and found herself caught in his strong tattooed arms.

“Hey there, girlie!” Javy hugged her close for a moment before placing her back on her feet. “No warm welcome from you, Phoenix?” He held his arms open playfully, an earnestness twinkling in his eyes that Charlie wasn’t sure she’d ever seen before, but Natasha just scoffed.

“How about you do something useful and go stop your best friend from blowing this whole operation before it starts?”

Javy blinked at her, hurt flashing momentarily in his eyes before he crossed his arms. “Is that anyway to talk to your friend?”

Natasha rolled her eyes, turning her head slightly so that half her face was against the pillar. “We haven’t been friends in a long time, Machado.”

Javy’s shoulders bowed forward. “I know, but I never wanted it to be that way.”

“Then what did you want?” Natasha snapped.

Charlie huffed and turned away from them. The concierge desk had four people working at it, and, luckily, her mother was in line for the first person, and her dad was in line at the third. The odds of them seeing each other weren’t high, but Charlie didn’t want to take any chances.

With a gulp, she ran over to where her dad was in line, Savannah hanging all over him.

“Dad?” she hid her trembling hands. She had missed him so incredibly much, despite being so angry with him for hiding her mother and sister from her. He was still her dad and she hadn’t seen him in over a month, so while she really wanted to give him a hug and never let him go, she instead hid her hands behind her back and waited for him to respond.

Jake disentangled himself from Savannah, turning to her with a bright smile on his face. “Hey sweetheart, did you and Rooster find the pool?”

“Yeah, but…they don’t have any change rooms!” she blurted out the first excuse that came to her mind. “Could you show me where our room is so I can get changed?”

Savannah pouted before Jake could even open his mouth. “Sugar, we’ve got to meet the wedding planner.”

Jake fixed her with a look that had her pouting bottom lip sucking back in. “And we’ll have plenty of time to do that. But I’m not allowing my daughter to wander around the hotel alone. C’mon, Charlie. I’ll take you up to the room.”

Charlie felt a smile creep onto her lips. “Thanks dad.”

Savannah sighed, a dramatic, long-suffering thing, before she nodded. “Fine. Let’s go back to the room. But then we have to meet Phillipe.”

Charlie glanced at her father’s face quick enough to catch the tail end of him rolling his eyes. “Yes, dear.”

Charlie stifled a giggle as they weaved through the crowded lobby and hustled into the glass elevator. Savannah pouted and leaned her back against the glass as Jake punched their floor number before taking the two steps towards her and wrapping his arms around her waist.

“It’ll take five minutes, tops,” he murmured, pressing a placating kiss to her hair as the car started to move, rising them up above the lobby.

Jake glanced down, always having loved heights, even if he was only going a few stories high, and his heart stopped.

There, standing below them, waiting for the next elevator car, was…

But it couldn’t be. She wouldn’t be in Texas. There was no way. She had practically sworn off the States after the papers had been approved, even going so far as to take her brother and her closest friend with her when she had basically fled.

Jake blinked, but the phantom from his past didn’t disappear. Instead, she raised a timid hand and waved at him, a small smile tugging on her lips.

Jake felt his knees begin to buckle, and it had nothing to do with the elevator car coming to a halt or his girlfriend—no, fiancée—kissing his neck.

She was here. His Buttercup…she was here. In the same hotel as him. In the same hotel as him and Charlie. Did that mean Abby was with her?

Jake’s heart began to race. She was here. She was here.

The second her dad and Savannah wandered off to meet Phillipe, Charlie scurried back to the elevator, rode it two floors down, and practically sprinted to her mom’s room, where she knocked rapidly.

Her own familiar face opened the door and she smiled brightly. “Abby!”

Abby returned her hug with fierce strength. “Charlie!”

They stood standing, smiling at each other for a moment before a deep voice interrupted them. “You two are gonna blow our cover if you keep standing out there for the world to see you.”

Charlie grinned and sprinted at her uncle. “Uncle Roo!”

He scooped her up with his usual begrudging smile. “Hey kid. Good to see ya. Now get your butts inside before someone spots you.”

Both girls rushed into the room, both smiling at Bob where he lounged on the bed.

“Crisis averted?” he teased.

Abby glared playfully. “There wouldn’t have been a crisis if you hadn’t lost our mother.”

“I had to take a phone call,” he defended, a small smile playing on his lips. “Where is your mom?”

“I’m right here.”

Abby turned and spotted her mother, standing in the doorway that connected the two rooms.

“Mum!” she launched herself across the room and was caught by those soft, strong arms that wrapped around her fiercely.

“Oh my girl…” Buttercup whispered into her hair. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” Abby whispered into her mother’s neck, feeling the tears stinging her eyes. As much as she had loved being with her dad and uncles, she had missed her mother just as much. Her warmth, her strength, her slight floral smell, the way she laughed. All of it. “I’m sorry I went to Texas without telling you.”

Buttercup sniffled and straightened. “I understand why you did, baby. However, what I don’t understand…” she placed her hands on her hips. “Is why your father just looked at me like he had no idea I was on the same planet as he is, let alone the same continent.:

Abby stepped back, falling into line with Charlie, and they both gulped. “What do you mean?”

“Your father spotted me when he was riding the elevator up, and, from the look on his face, he had no idea I was going to be here.” She looked between them sternly. “You did tell him that I was going to be here, yes?” As the two sisters stared at each other guiltily, she groaned. “You didn’t tell him?”

“Well, mum…” Abby started. “You see, we…that is to say, Charlie and I…”

Rooster and Bob started to edge around the room towards the front door, but Buttercup held a finger up at them.

“Freeze, you two!” she barked. “You allowed my daughters to—to—bamboozle us this way?”

Bob tensed while Rooster purposefully dropped his shoulders. “Bamboozle you how?” he asked, a forced calmness in his voice.

Buttercup huffed. “What is this? Is this about you still not believing that a divorce was the best course of action for us, Bradley? Or about how you always thought we should have tried harder with the custody arrangement, Bob?”

Charlie stepped up. “It’s not their fault, mom. We…we wanted you and dad to be happy.”

Buttercup couldn’t help the incredulous laugh that escaped her. “And how is cornering your father on the tour of his wedding venue going to make him happy?”

Charlie felt herself flush and she opened her mouth, but it was Abby who spoke first. “We don’t want to have to live with this custody arrangement anymore, mum. We were hoping that, if you and dad saw each other again, you’d be able to figure out another way, so we can share the two of you instead of having to live separate lives.”

Buttercup folded in on herself, arms crossing in front of her, not defensively, but protectively. “I…I know the custody arrangement wasn’t fair to the two of you. I…you’ll never know how sorry I am for that. But forcing your father and I into this…” she shook her head. “Why didn’t you just talk to me? Talk to us? Especially once you met at camp.”

“Mum…” Abby bit her lip. “I wanted to. I really did. But you always seemed so hurt whenever I brought up dad, and…and I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“I wanted to talk to you too, but…” Charlie gulped. “But I was so scared that you wouldn’t love me if I pushed you to talk to dad. And I was terrified that you were going to say no.”

Buttercup drew in a deep breath and her shaky exhale drew the attention of Rooster and Bob, still edging towards the door. They paused in their quest for freedom, and Bob looked tempted to approach his sister, but Rooster’s hand on his shoulder stilled him.

“I…I’m so sorry, girls,” Buttercup whispered. “I wish I could do it all different. I wish that things had turned out differently for all of us. I wish that your father and I—”

The door that stood mere feet from Rooster and Bob burst open, letting in a bickering Natasha and Javy. Buttercup jumped as their voices raised.

“—I never said that!”

“Oh, but you implied it! How else was I supposed to take that?”

“You can take it and shove it up your—”

“Enough!” Buttercup shouted, bringing the room to a standstill, quiet as a pin-drop. Her hands covered her face, and it was only the keenest of eyes that could pick up the slight trembling of her limbs. “The four of you—” she shot a pointed look at the four retired aviators in the room. “Owe me a massive explanation for why you thought it was okay to manipulate J-Jake and I. I trusted you. Natasha, you and Bob know how I felt about this meeting and you still decided to blindside me. And I’m sure Jake will feel similarly once he finds out that his two closest friends are pulling the rug out from under him while he’s planning the happiest day of his life. And girls? There are so many reasons why what you did is not okay. First, switching places at camp and now forcing your father and I into close proximity. I’m trying to be understanding but…” she sighed heavily, her hands sagging back to her sides. “I need a drink,” she murmured, backing towards the door. “You four can watch my daughters,” she added with a glare at the four adults quietly sulking around the edge of the room.

Looking down at the guilt-ridden faces of her daughters, Buttercup sighed and stooped to hug them both into her arms. “I love you both,” she whispered, sniffling slightly. “I’m not mad, I’m just…I need some fresh air. Stay here. Please.”

With another small sniffle, she turned and fled the room, leaving six guilty parties staring after her.

Jake found himself boring holes into the ugly paisley wallpaper of the hotel hallway, listening to Phillipe yammer on about some special flooring package. Or was it a floral package? Either way, Savannah seemed thrilled and was too busy chatting with her new bridal BFF to notice that her future husband hadn’t said a word since the elevator.

Buttercup was here. In Texas. He hadn’t seen her since…

His stomach roiled at the thought of their last meeting, the tears they had both shed as they left their wedding rings on the table and said goodbye to one of their daughters. Her tear-stained face and the gauntness of her cheeks, the bags under her eyes. His memory was in sharp contrast to the woman he had seen in the lobby, all full cheeks and glossy hair, all smiles as she had waved at him.

He shuffled his feet as a funny feeling exploded in his stomach at the thought of her. It was Abby. It had to be because of Abby. Jake hadn’t held his daughter in over ten years, and if she had come to Texas with her mother…

Jake’s hand dove into his pocket before he could second guess himself. He wasn’t about to pass up the opportunity to see his daughter. And if his chest tightened at the idea of seeing his ex-wife? That was just the nerves talking, of course.

“Hey, sweetheart?” Jake called, his eyes widening theatrically. “I just got a call from Sarah. Our vet on staff? Apparently something came up on one of the horses tests and she wants to talk to me about our options. She says it’s urgent, otherwise I wouldn’t be asking. But why don’t you and Phillipe make some decisions and you can tell me all about them later?”

Savannah pouted and Jake was honestly a little surprised that she didn’t stomp her foot for emphasis. “But Jakey!”

“I know, sweetheart,” he crooned, his feet already shuffling him away towards the door. “But I trust you. You can make whatever choices your heart desires. I just want you to be happy with this wedding.”

Apparently, he had said the magic words because Savannah turned back to Phillipe without another word to Jake and said, “In that case, what about the premium lighting package? Can we add more chandeliers?”

Jake ignored her as he took off towards the elevator, wondering where he should even start looking. The hotel was huge, but he would knock on every door he could if it meant finding his Buttercup. Jake shook his head at himself. No. He wouldn’t allow himself to go down that path. He was searching for Abby. His daughter. Not his ex-wife. However…his daughter was likely to be wherever his ex-wife was, so he supposed he would have to search them both out. But where the hell to start?

Jake exited the elevator onto the main floor and scanned the lobby. His Buttercup wasn’t much of a gym fiend, more into home yoga and cardio than anything, so the gym was out. She was an author, he knew, but it didn’t seem likely that she would be in a conference room.

Jake paused and leaned against a white marble pillar. He had to think. Think like Buttercup. She liked the water, he remembered. They had had way too many fun memories on the beaches of Coronado for him to pick just one favourite, but the way she had smiled at him while surrounded by the sun and sand and surf was enough to warm his soul even ten years later.

The mere thought of it had him turning and racing down the hall towards the indoor pool. He quickly palmed his keycard against the magnetic lock and stepped into the room, almost taking a step back when the overwhelming smell of chlorine caught his nose, but he persisted, doing a quick lap of the pool and surrounding deck chairs to try to spot Buttercup or Abby.

“Sir, can I help you?” a lifeguard regarded him suspiciously, and Jake took a second to realize how it must have looked, a fully dressed man scanning every woman and child in the pool room.

“Sorry,” he felt himself redden. “I just thought…my wife said she was heading to the pool with our daughter, but I don’t see her.” He didn’t see Charlie either, but he had enough questions on his mind to wonder where she might have gotten to.

“She might’ve meant the rooftop pool,” the lifeguard offered helpfully. “There’s a cabana bar and a waterslide that the kids really seem to love.”

“Thanks, man,” Jake replied, already turning on his heel to head back to the elevator. Of course, she would head to the rooftop pool instead of the indoor pool. She hated the smell of chlorine and she always said the water felt better when you could feel the breeze in your hair. She was up there. Jake could feel it in his bones.

Buttercup placed the glass back on the bar with a little more force than necessary before meeting the bartender’s gaze and saying, “Another one, please.”

He frowned a little disapprovingly but poured her another rum and Diet Coke, her second since sitting down at the cabana bar next to the pool five minutes ago.

I love my daughters. I love my family. I love my friends. I love my daughters. I love my family. I love my friends. I love my daughters…she chanted to herself as she sipped the second drink slowly. What they had done, tricking her here on some half-cocked dream of getting her and her ex-husband back, was so far over the line that she was fairly certain they didn’t even know where the line was anymore, but she loved them. Her daughters especially had their hearts in the right place, and she couldn’t fault them for wanting a normal dynamic between their parents. It’s what she herself had always wanted for her family. But things didn’t always turn out the way you dreamed. That was made especially clear to her when she spotted the bottle blond wrapped around her ex-husband, at least ten years her junior and basically painted into her blue jeans. But that didn’t matter. What mattered was her daughters. She would face Jake. She had to. She wouldn’t live a life without Charlie, not anymore. She wouldn’t fight him for full custody, but she would do everything in her power to make 50/50 possible for her girls. She could do that much for them…after she had another drink.

She threw back her second drink and asked the bartender for another one. He rolled his eyes but poured the drink and handed it to her before moving off to clear up some of the glasses that had been left on the poolside tables. Her eyes followed him as she nursed her third drink, tracking his movements as he collected glass after glass before her eyes caught on a figure rapidly approaching from the roof’s door.

“Buttercup?”

Her stomach roiled, and she decided that three drinks in less than ten minutes was a bad idea. “Oh god,” she whispered, turning away from him and stumbling to her feet. She couldn’t do this. She wouldn’t do this while drunk. She needed to be stone cold sober to be able to face him, otherwise she’d make a fool of herself. And she had promised herself that she would never make a fool of herself in front of Jake Seresin ever again.

Buttercup quickly straightened and walked away from him. If someone accused her of running away from him, she would have no defence but that didn’t matter to her. She wouldn’t face him until she was confident in herself, and she couldn’t be less confident after three drinks.

Buttercup passed the bartender as she heard Jake’s footsteps pounding behind her. “Buttercup, wait!”

“Don’t call me that,” she whispered, feeling her heart pound at his nearness.

“Buttercup, I—”

A loud crash sounded behind her, and Buttercup spun on her heel to see what was happening, but she didn’t see anything before her flip flop caught on the tile of the pool and she stumbled unsteadily, falling backwards right into the pool.

The chill of the water immediately sobered her as she flailed in the deep end, trying to figure out which way was up before a strong arm wrapped around her waist and tugged her to the surface.

She gasped as the fresh air kissed her face, that arm not leaving her as it towed her towards the edge of the pool.

“Th-thank you,” she panted, frantically pushing her wet hair from her eyes.

“Don’t mention it…” an achingly familiar voice replied, deep and playful with a beautiful Texan twang.

Buttercup clutched the edge of the pool as she blinked, her vision clearing enough to see Jake Seresin a mere foot away from her, his dark blond hair plastered to his forehead and his white button-down shirt almost see-through.

“J-Jake…”

He grinned, that cocky grin that she had always hated because it meant his shields were up. “You weren’t trying to run away from me, were you?”

“No!” she shivered and started pulling herself along the pool’s edge towards the stairs. “Don’t be so full of yourself. Not everything is about you.”

Jake chuckled as he did the butterfly stroke beside her, easily keeping pace as she clumsily looked for an escape. “But it’s so much fun to think that everything is about me,” he grinned a Cheshire cat smile at her that would’ve had her defences melting a decade ago.

Buttercup reached the pool’s ladder and didn’t have it in her to swat away Jake’s hands on her waist to help steady her as she climbed out of the pool, a staff member greeting her with a fluffy white towel as she stood in her dripping clothes. Jake smoothly exited the pool next to her and wrapped the towel around his shoulders.

“So, are you saying you’re not in Texas to see me?” Jake asked, his green eyes glinting in her direction.

Buttercup swallowed. “As a matter of fact…” She had to tell him. She had to just come out and say it. It wasn’t fair to the girls to make them do it, and it wasn’t fair to him to keep him waiting. “I am here for you. And I thought you were here for me.”

Jake’s brow furrowed in confusion. “What?”

“Mum!”

“Dad!”

Both jolted away from each other, not realizing how much they had moved into each other’s space as they talked.

Abby and Charlie stood before them, mouths gaping.

“What on Earth did you do?”

“Why did you go swimming in your clothes?”

Buttercup pulled the towel tighter around her shoulders as Jake turned and gaped at the two almost-12-year-olds standing in front of him.

“Did I hit my head when I jumped into the pool after you?” Jake murmured, not taking his eyes off the two girls.

Buttercup shook her head. “No…they’re both here. It’s…kind of a long story.”

One of the twins gulped. “Please don’t be mad.”

“It’s not Mum’s fault.”

“We met at camp—”

“—and we figured out that we’re twins, and—”

“—and we decided to switch places—”

“—because we wanted to meet you and—”

Jake crouched in front of them as they rambled and slowly, carefully, placed a hand on each of their shoulders before pulling them into a tight hug.

“I don’t care,” he whispered tightly, cradling them both against his strong body as years of pent-up longing and grief threatened to spill out over his cheeks. “I don’t care how it happened. I’ve waited years to hold you both in my arms again. So that’s what I’m going to do.”

He pulled them even tighter against his chest and his heart fractured as he felt them—both of them—wrap their arms around him. And if a few tears fell, then who could blame him?

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#jake seresin x reader #jake hangman seresin #jake hangman fic #jake seresin #top gun maverick #top gun fanfiction #glen powell #as you wish fic #parent trap au

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bensp · 4 months

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Getting to know me

also, tagged by @onpurposeilovehimonpurpose

okay so, that's the first time someone tags me meaning i have no ideia if these questions have like, 2 meanings so bear with me.

Last song: Perdição - L7nnon

Last film: A Man Called Otto

Currently reading: Red, White & Royal Blue i guess, but I just finished Marketing Of Love.

Currently watching: im binge watching 2 broke girls while I write the answers.

Currently consuming: as in food? bread.

Currently craving: again, as in food? broccoli, x-bacon and weirdly, coffee (I'm an addicted)

Were you named after anyone?

so, my mom had this dream about having twins, a boy and a girl, cause of her dolls. turns out she only had me, a girl. 4 years later, she had my sister, and she's EXACTLY like me.

When was the last time you cried?

I actually don't remember, I think it was because I was having a panic attack cause I was thinking too hard about my life and about myself.

Do you have kids?

I do not have kids, I do tho have my sister, that I consider my kid.Im also an aunt, but as I don't really like my "others sisters" and they don't really like me, I don't have much contact with them (I kinda think they don't like me too, but I don't really care).

What sports do you play/Have you played?

as much as y'll like stereotypes, I don't like futebol (but please don't get me started on the soccer thing) and I don't really like sports. I like running sometimes tho.

Do you use sarcasm?

yes.im not really proud (I'm lying I'm super proud) but I use it a lot. I just can't help it.

What's the first thing people notice about you?

I'm not sure, but they do get surprised when I tell them how old I am.

What's your eye color?

Dark brown.

Scary movies or happy endings?

I'm always down for a scary movie, and while I don't have enough patience to WATCH romance movies, i live reading happy endings first and books.

Any talents?

writing count as a talent? I don't know lol.

Where were you born?

Brasil, Rio de Janeiro.

What are your hobbies

I LOVE TO READ, listening to music. OH! imitating accents (doesn't mean I'm any good at this).

Do you have any pets?

I had a dog, her name was Princesa, but she died last year.

How tall are you?

I'm 1.60cm

Favorite subject in school?

In school? English. College tho? Psychology.

Dream job?

tbh I have no ideia.

I'm done!! I'm tagging @madeforstarker @thatisthewaylovegoes cause I know nobody here. anyway pls talk to me guys, despite the answers I'm nice.

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virgobabe91 · 1 year

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Firstly I feel like I must write a quick blurb.

I first wrote this storyline about 3 years ago. I did it just for fun under a side account I constantly changed the name to, I must’ve changed my account name like 6 times. I think my last account name was like “lilac-babe”? If you remember some of the storyline and me then welcome back!

When I deleted this I was at a low point in life, I found out my ex-bf cheated on me, my sister lost custody of her kids and I took them in, covid happened and the world shut down, my job I had for 8 years was literally giving me panic attacks to the point I had to go on mental health leave for 3 months. I had a sugar daddy (who in the beginning was nice but in the end gave me trauma of older men with silver hair) but a lot has changed since I deleted as well. I found the love of my life who treats me so well, got engaged, had a baby who is the light of my life! Now I’m a stay at home mom who does tattooing on the side.

This story originally had 10 chapters, but I deleted the last chapter keeping the ending open. I plan to write roughly the same amount this time around as well. I’m going to spice up the story a bit, and I will be making changes here and there it might not even end the way I originally had ended it.

I also

I also am thinking of rewriting some of my other old stories, vampireharry!, witchharry!, angstharry!. Etc.

(I love making people sad and suffer with cliffhangers)

Anyways here’s a quick idea of what’s to expect in the coming chapters. The first chapter will be posted in about a week. 😘

Main characters

Harry, stopped aging at 30.

Brown hair, green eyes, 6ft4.

Very quiet and moody.

Lives in a tall A frame cabin he made out of the surrounding woods. Had a mate but she was killed by human hunters.

Jealous type, angers easily, Great chef though.

Henry, stopped aging at 37.

Brown hair, Blue eyes,6 ft8.

Quiet but kind. Lives closer to the town in an antique Yurt. Owns a TV and has quite the DVD collection.

Spiteful type, enjoys a old fashion fist fight. Usually at surrounding pubs, Is mean for sport.

Niall, stopped aging at 30.

Light brown hair, blue eyes, 6 ft2.

Peaceful. Lives in a cabin near the garden. Loves nature and main groundskeeper of the solar panels and garden.

Occasionally enjoys a drink down at the pub but the first to leave when Henry shows up.

Just happy to be here type, but can get vengeful, also angers easily.

Y/N, 27.

Loves to read. Loves her family cat named craig. Pretty much an orphan since her dad passed away last year an her mom left when she was a toddler. College dropout. works at a coffee shop and does onlyfans as a side hustle.

Naive type.

Madge, roughly stopped aging at 50. Has been around almost the same time the village was founded.

Grey hair, blue eyes. 5ft5.

The matriarch of the clan. Niall’s Aunt.

Her partner passed away 2 years ago, was raised in town has never left the mountainside. Likes to read and drink her homegrown specialty teas.

Cooks her big suppers every Sunday night and makes enough for everyone to take home leftovers.

Traditional type.

Village Info.

Knightstowne

130 people not including the pups.

Has been around for almost 600 years.

Most of the homes and surrounding buildings are homemade out of logs, The newer homes have concrete.

Large bonfire with benches in the middle of town, used as a city hall for discussions.

Solar farm is a 10 minute walk south of the bonfire.

Food garden is a 10 minute walk north of the bonfire.

The animal farm is north of the entrance of town.

The houses are scattered around the bonfire, Madge’s house is closest to the entrance and her old horse stables are used as a farmers market within the community.

🔥🔥🔥 W A R N I N G 🔥🔥🔥

This is fantasy.

There will be talks of smut, breeding, knotting, spanking, hair pulling, blood, aggression, anal, jealousy, bullying, spitting, face slapping, degradation, revenge, consensual non consent, and more.

we start out with a semi, graphic assault.

This is not for the faint of heart, do not continue to read if this isn’t for you.

🔥I will not be tagging people for next chapters.

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emcant · 6 months

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Really sick reason to be happy but I can't stop smiling

TW/CW child abuse, mental illness, SH

One of my aunts calls our family "yours, mine, and ours", which is accurate. We've got me, my (step)brother, my dad, my stepmom, and my (half)sister. My brother is seven weeks younger than I am. Our parents got together when we were around four- "work spouses" who were both recently divorced- and our little sister came a few years later.

My bio mom and my brother's bio dad are a mess, somewhere between incapable and unwilling to parent full time. I've been in therapy off and on for most of my life and got my C-PTSD diagnosis at 15. My brother, god love him, just reached his first year of sobriety, having started drinking around the same age.

Naturally, every time we had a chance to say "This isn't normal" to our shared folks, we'd be told "Well of course you'd think that, you're used to your other parent!". The other person was a shovel used for digs: "This isn't their house!". They'd call me by my mom's name when I made them upset.

I assumed I was broken either because of my mom or because of the split. I can't know for certain, of course, but I think the cause of the C-PTSD was specifically that they traded custody daily, at my mom's request, until she moved out of state. She gives the silent treatment. My stepmom screams. The rules changed on me literally every 24 hours until I was 13.

Life evened out a lot when she did move away - but not entirely. I wound up in screamland 90% of the time rather than 50. I couldn't figure out why it didn't feel right or why it kept happening to me, but I believed my folks: I wasn't used to it because my mom's "parenting" is different and worse. I felt sickened to be involved with my mom at all. I thought that if only she wasn't waiting in the wings, I'd be entitled to a normal childhood, but because of her influence, I deserved everything I got.

Anyway, I have been texting my little sister about Christmas gifts for our brother, and out of nowhere, earlier this week, she tells me she's going to therapy for the first time... because she's realized it's not normal for your mom to scream at you literally all day and your dad to not intervene.

I haven't been home for more than three days since I moved out over a decade ago. I had a chance to pass through the town earlier this year, didn't do it, and still had panic attacks for two weeks straight. I can't hack it as someone's daughter; it makes me physically sick.

But that isn't a me problem.

Not a one of them could hack it as parents.

I've stopped hearing my mother's doubts in my head - I cut her off when I moved away. I've never been quite able to shut off my stepmom's. The screamer versus the silence... it fits.

I'm not a poser if I can't create when I don't have a comfortable space to work. I should not self-reject because I'm frightened. In the absence of an abuser, I'm finding that holding ideas in also hurts a lot.

I'm not stupid or useless or gearing up to be a failure for needing the introvert rest period and knowing my limits. It will not hold me back in life.

It isn't normal to want to hurt yourself. It isn't normal for people to laugh it off and talk about themselves when you tell them you want to hurt yourself.

The mandatory insincerity I grew up around has thankfully faded a lot - I don't think I could summarize that anymore if I tried.

I'm heartbroken that my little sister is going to need to learn these things - but ecstatic that she will, and is actively moving towards it. Had a similar conversation with our brother a few years ago, but of course, he has his dad in the wings; it hits differently now knowing that it would have happened no matter what. Children in that home are screamed at, hit, and not defended. Simple as.

I'm not what they wanted me to be.

I'd say that's "fine" but that doesn't even begin to cover it. It's exemplary.

#em can #farther beyond that #em will #cw sh mention #cw mom mention #cw child abuse #tw verbal abuse #tw mommy issues #tw sh implied

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cognacdelights · 2 years

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What is the weirdest thing that ever happened to you?

Idk if this would also count as a ghost story but anyway, I never met my Granny because she died a year before I was born but at the most random times or sometimes when I'm really stressed (also happened once when I had a panic attack at school) I'll smell her perfume. I'll get a whiff of it and my whole body will just relax, but I never met her and I've never smelled her perfume. But whenever I smell that I just know it's her, the earliest I can remember it happening was when I was three and in the hospital. My mom was in the bathroom and my dad had left to get the two of them some food I smelled her perfume, I was super scared because I feel like shit, I have all these needles stuck in my arm and I'm by myself and I just remember I immedently calmed down. I've told my parents and brother about this and they agree that it's odd but I'm comforted by the thought that she watches over me and can help me whenever no one else can. That also happenes a lot with my papa, he was my best friend and he died when I was 13. I'll smell his colonge a lot and I even have dreams about him. Like a few days after he died I had a dream where he said goodbye and that he loves me. I'm very comforted by that. My mom also had a dream about her sister when she died where she said goodbye and that she loves her.

so the weirdest thing that's happened to me is probably very similar to yours? in the sense of just something happening with a loved one

so my gma's sister never had any kids so she was always "auntie" to me and my cousins. i had such a close relationship with her like she was my favourite person in the entire world. well, i was around 7 when she died and i don't remember much about what happened at the time but i went to sleep one night and had woken up at some point during the night. my room was completely pitch black but i could sort of make out a figure that was just a bit darker than the room and then i felt myself being tucked in and then like something warm on my forehead (like a kiss). now i know for a fact this wasn't my parents bc i could hear them both snoring (and my parents weren't the type to do tucking in or anything like that). then the day after i was told that she'd died.

then, my dad's oldest brother died a while ago but every now and then we all get white feathers on our doorsteps but it happens to all of us on the same day. like my gma will get one, we will get one, all three of my aunts will get one, my uncle, and even my cousin's will get them too. it's not very often like i'd say maybe 3 times since he's died but we all get them in the same day like he's making his rounds of the family and checking in.

then, not to be like "i'm psychic" but i know when bad things are going to happen. like immediately before it happens, i just know. so like obviously earlier this week i got the phonecall about my parents being in a car accident, i woke up like a minute before my phone started ringing with the call. there's so many other instances like this but they're quite personal so i don't really wanna put them on here rn that i just know something is going to happen

also this might not be as weird but my dad's biological dad went missing when my dad was younger and everyone had thought he'd gone back to ireland, or moved to canada, some people said he was in aus too. but we got a phonecall from someone a few years ago saying he had died (and ended up about 30 mins away from us). anyways, i had never met him ever, he went missing long before my mum and dad had met. so i've had people come up to me and shout my name (like my full birth name) and ask about "john" which was his name but at the time i didn't know bc my dad never talked ab him (as far as i was concerned my gma's second husband is like my grandad). so once we got this phonecall and details about him, we had to go clear his stuff out from his flat. it was an assisted living place for the elderly and they kept calling me by my name, saying i look just like him and stuff. so turns out he knew everything about my uncle, my dad and his oldest sister (his kids)... he knew when my parents got married, he knew that they had a kid, he had PHOTOS of me from SCHOOL like the school issued photos, my birth announcement from the paper, he had my uncle's obituary, my aunt's marriage announcement, pictures of my two cousins. the only thing that was even stranger was that he had told people i was his daughter? very weird for me esp when it all kind of falls into place

#replies #zealouscherryblossumqueen

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queerspaceprince · 6 months

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Gotta love family amirite?

I learned today that now my work insurance (which I just got after aging off my moms in nov.) Doesn't cover my testosterone prescription, and i was rightfully angry about it. Thank god for GoodRx or I'd be paying $120 for it, instead I paid $27. (Which is actually cheaper? Than it was on my moms insurance)

Anyway, I was venting about it on fb, bc I originally thought it would be covered, bc I looked it up. Health insurance is through Highmark, which (from my research at least) says it does cover it. But I aparently didnt see the section in the benefits booklet that says they use a different prescription card (which is thru Everence) that doesn't cover it.

So. Anyway, I talked about how bullshit it was and how I was pissed about it, and my grandmother decided to comment "welcome to the real world, imagine all the old people this happens to all the time"

And Bc I was (and still am) very anxious and on edge and halfway to a breakdown, I actually responded instead of ignoring her like everyone usually does when she says some unfiltered bullshit.

I talked ab how I should be able to vent without someone acting like hardships are just life lessons, and that i should stop being a baby about it. I put in quotes "oh thats too bad! Sorry! I know youll end up super depressed if you cant get your meds, thats awful!" Bc thats what an actual person would say when something shitty happens. I said that I should be allowed to feel things without someone making it into a goddamn pissing contest of "someone had it just as bad or worse, so you need to just get over it"

And She didnt respond (yet), but my grandfather did, and all he said was that "something you can do is to knock off this BS! Your language doesn't make you a man"

As if I said Fuck or something (Which i do, often, just not in the post??) I said bullshit twice and goddamn once, and hes acting like a little bitch as if I have heard him say worse over a stupid little football game, or driving, or JUST IN NORMAL CONVERSATION!

Hey asshole, your language doesn't make you a man either, and I've heard my mom talking about how you've been treating people when you get in a mood, and theres nothing Manly about being an asshole.

Im not gonna respond to him and get banned from coming up for Christmas, but Tbh all hes done is push me closer to the edge. If I dont have an panic attack for some stupid reason tomorrow, I'll be surprised.

Edit: ive been informed that aparently my gpa meant to watch how i talk to his wife??? The way old people talk is weird. My points the same tho, he was being a little bitch to her earlier this year, from what i overheard my aunt and mom talking about.

#family #family drama #transphobia #insurance #ftm #hrt

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ifeelsoemptysometimes · 10 months

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I have a gynecology appointment and I'm terrified out of my mind. Just thinking about it makes me feel my anxiety in my throat and tear well up in my eyes. Maybe I've just thought about it too much but im just. So afraid. I told my grandma how I've had a pelvic exam as a kid and I'm pretty sure I was left traumatized from that bc what else explains my strong aversion amd fear?? She looked sorry for me but of course wasn't able to say much to me. She told mu aunt and she said I was just embarrassed and nervous. Nut I knwo those feel like, and sure I do feel those things its normal to fee like that but I also feel such a deep and strong fear. Panic attack level fear. That's not embarrassment or nervousness. Of course I understand that she of all people wouldn't have really understood so I didn't take it to heart. It's not like she knows me anyways. I also told my mom and she also didn't know what to say and told me so. It felt nice to be honest. She didn't just brush me off as if im being crazy. Bare minimum I suppose. But yea. She said that she wanted me to do it in the States but idk how much it's gonna cost me there. It's only gonna be 800 pesos here which is about,, 60 bucks? So it's literally do obvious. And my cousin is gonna go with me instead. I cant help but worry tho. I'm afraid that I'll have a panic attack and that I'll be called crazy. I tend to shut down-ish, depending the situation, and if im conscious, I'll try to calm down but it seems that if someone tries to touch me I'll freak out and start screaming. It's kinda harrowing imo. Not to mention the draining of energy that happens afterwards. I'm afraid that they'll think im fucking crazy or some shit. That's even more embarrassing in itself. I'm also afraid that I'll spiral bc of it, fall into some sort of depression... I know im just catastrophizing but I can't help it. I'm so terrified that I could vomit. No one i I talk to understands how I feel and it's so distressing. I need to keep talking about it till someone understands. I need someone to understand my fear and not just think im being exaggerated or a crybaby. This being said... I hate how it makes me wish Donnie could just hold me and tell me I'll be okay. For him to hold my hand and just confort me. I'm so pathetic. But hey that's how I cope I guess. It feels like thats they only thing that could relieve me. Ugh. So stupid. So yea. I'm just... not well. I suppose I'll update myself on here tomorrow. How knows maybe it won't be as bad as I feel it will be. Maybe im just my chronic anxiety talking. Maybe. Well see.

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kitkatwinchester · 1 year

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WELL THIS IS CREEPY AS F*CK

UMMM

HARD PASS on that creepy sign language daymare thank you very much.

Also Stiles, we are sooo far past okay at this point, don't even.

That said...

CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE WAY SCOTT LOOKED AT STILES OMG!!

I'VE RE-WATCHED THAT MOMENT TEN TIMES ALREADY SIMPLY BECAUSE OF THE LOOK ON HIS FACE!

That boy is SO WORRIED about his best friend.

SO WORRIED.

I almost cried with how much genuine concern was in Scott's face at Stiles' incident.

Like seriously.

AHHHH.

It's the little things with them, and it's what makes me love them and their relationship so much. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

I'm never gonna stop obsessing over them. Sorry not sorry.

Okay moving on.

Isaac is KILLING ME with his humor and sass omg. And he and Stiles are a PAIR, OMG. XD XD

"They're all locked up because they're insane." "Ha. Can you at least try to be helpful, please?" "For half my childhood, I was locked in a freezer. So being helpful is kind of a new thing for me." "Okay, do we--are we still milking that?" "Yeah, we are still milking that."

And the way Scott just hangs his head like "oh god I cannot with these two".

God I love them all so much.

I missed my three boys together. We didn't get enough of all three of them in the last several episodes. I hope we get more now. XD <3

ALSO. I stand by my "Isaac can have Allison", because Scott is CLEARLY smitten over Kira, and I honestly think a few others might now be suspicious of it too, since everyone turned to him in surprise when he was the only one that knew her name.

I totally ship it.

Speaking of Kira, she is definitely SOMETHING. I don't know what, but she's something.

A normal human being does not just casually listen in on a conversation about near-death experiences and then pipe in with a helpful tip.

Nah. That girl is something. She KNOWS something.

...I just hope it's not an EVIL something.

Especially since I am actively shipping her and Scott lol.

All of that said...

Let me guess.

Stiles can't get his door to shut, huh?

That's how the Nogitsune gets in?

I mean, it would make sense.

Between the three of them, Stiles has the most past trauma that would affect him the most and make it hardest for him to shut the door.

Like, obviously Scott has the whole werewolf thing.

And Allison has the whole dead aunt and dead mom and werewolf hunter thing.

But Stiles has the whole dead mom and ADHD and anxiety and history of nightmares and panic attacks thing, so...I could see him struggling the most.

I mean, as far as I'm concerned, his nightmares are already the creepiest (not to sneeze at Allison's, 'cause Zombie Kate is really not it either, but...).

Anyways.

This is gonna be FUN..

LOVING all of the trauma these characters have to face.

This is GREAT.

I'm FINE.

Anyways I couldn't find the gif of Scott looking at Stiles with the most concern I have ever seen that man have for anyone ever so here's the hilarious Stiles & Isaac (& So-Done-Scott) interaction instead. XD

P.S. Watching that Scott and Stiles moment one more time because AHHHH. <3 <3 <3 <3

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timeoverload · 1 year

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I woke up this morning full of existential dread and was really depressed. I was contemplating asking the health nurse/HR to take leave for my mental health. I've never done that for mental health reasons before but I'm just so overwhelmed right now and I have been struggling for a long time. I had a really bad panic attack and had to lock myself in the bathroom at work for like 10 minutes to hide it. I am just so tired.

I also have only been eating once or twice a day for like 2 months because my stomach is constantly in knots and I'm always anxious. I know I need to eat more and I try to force myself. I don't know why it's so hard for me. It's nearly impossible to eat when I'm in this state but I am way too thin right now and it's really bad. I burn more calories than I can consume. I have been unhealthy for so long and sometimes I wonder how I'm even alive. I have been trying to drink supplement shakes to try to make it through the day and snack when I'm able to. My soda addiction is also out of control but I need the caffeine to keep moving. I hate it. I told myself that I need to tough it out a little bit longer. I have been so emotional and angry and my moods have been all over the place and I started experiencing intrusive thoughts for the first time in a while. I probably need to increase the dosage of my medication again or try something else. I have been more anti-social than usual and I've been avoiding everyone as much as possible because I have truly felt insane.

I also have felt shunned by some of my family lately and they know how depressed I've been so it really doesn't help. I keep to myself now mostly and I try to be quiet. I thought things were starting to get better but I was wrong. My sister has been running away from me again and I don't know what I did. We are 15 years apart so I guess that could be part of it. My brother acts the same way but there are only 8 years between us but he's too cool to talk to me or something. I know he has been going through a lot too. I haven't been getting invited to do anything with them. They went to my aunt's for her birthday but I guess they didn't want me there. Last night my dad grilled burgers for his girlfriend and everyone else but didn't say anything to me. I don't expect him to cook for me all the time or anything but sometimes it would help and I am afraid to ask him. I kind of feel left out. I know I'm an adult and should be able to take care of myself. He knows I have struggled with food since I was a kid and I still remember him getting so mad at me for being picky and him fighting with my mom about it. I feel like he hasn't enjoyed cooking for me since then. I'm not as picky now as I used to be and I almost always eat everything he makes me when he actually does offer me something. He still does do a lot for me so I can't complain too much. I guess I just wish he and I had a better relationship so I would feel comfortable talking to him about stuff like that. We get along most of the time but we have never been that close. We definitely don't agree on some things. Sometimes I wish my mom was around too because at least she made sure I was fed. Her cooking wasn't even that good a lot of the time but I miss it anyway. I wish I could call her and have an actual conversation instead of hearing her tell me that I'm evil and then rambling on about shit that doesn't even make sense. I don't even know where she is right now and my dad had to block her on all of our phones because she was harassing us. It's so hard because I used to be able to go to her for advice when I was a kid but I can't do that now. I'm also afraid of ending up like her because I feel like I'm headed that direction mentally. I really need to see a psychiatrist in the near future.

I'm not sure what happened but I'm feeling stable at the moment but I don't know if it will last. I guess I took a shower and picked up a little bit when I got home so I suppose that could have helped. My back hasn't hurt too much today at least. Salazaar also came to sit with me so that was nice. I need to try to eat something but literally nothing sounds good and I'm frustrated about it. I will figure it out eventually like I always do. I'm also kicking myself for not taking my birthday off this year but it's not like I have anything going on so it doesn't matter. I guess it's probably better for me to go to work and try to be social than sit at home by myself in the dark all day.

I am going to try my best to pull myself together tonight because I desperately want the rest of my week to be better than today was. I feel like I have been saying that a lot. I'm also going to attempt to cut down on my caffeine consumption too because it's just exacerbating my current issues. I'm trying to focus on making healthier choices even though it's really hard. I don't want to end up in the hospital. I'm going to eat as much as I can and try to relax. I'm planning on meditating for a while before I go to bed too because sometimes that helps. I don't like feeling like this and I don't want to do it anymore. I am reminding myself that I do have people that care about me and I'm not totally alone right now. I will get through this and everything is going to be fine.

#personal

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mockstarling · 1 year

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I posted 1,475 times in 2022

That's 1,475 more posts than 2021!

346 posts created (23%)

1,129 posts reblogged (77%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@yuriinadress

@mockingsunlilacs

@jjmk-jjmk

@chamiryokuroi

@broosepayne

I tagged 784 of my posts in 2022

Only 47% of my posts had no tags

#dc comics - 558 posts

#dc - 456 posts

#damian wayne - 198 posts

#robin - 192 posts

#incorrect quotes - 170 posts

#tim drake - 169 posts

#incorrect dc quotes - 167 posts

#batman - 157 posts

#bruce wayne - 153 posts

#superboy - 150 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#as a lgbtqia member i do not think dc making everyone bi gay or even straight is benefiting anyone because of how they go along with making

My Top Posts in 2022:

Damian: You three, explain right now! Duke: It was Tim. Dick: It was Tim. Jason: It was Tim. Tim: Tim: . . . fuck.

302 notes - Posted August 23, 2022

Damian: Father, I don't understand what you're talking about. Poison Ivy's drug did not effect me that much.

Bruce: You were flirting with Superman (Jonathan Kent) last night.

Damain: So what? Jonathan is a very worthy warrior and has shown great success in battle. Don't blame me for having high standards. Besides, he is loyal to his lover and wouldn't try anything anyways.

Bruce: No, that's the issue. You asked if they were single.

Damain:

Bruce: And you cried when he said he wasn't. Jason recorded it.

Damain: THAT MoTHerFuckE-

416 notes - Posted May 1, 2022

See the full post

482 notes - Posted August 14, 2022

Link to article here

536 notes - Posted June 24, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Au where the Waynes have to make a reality TV show because people get too close to finding out who they are. Everyone develops their public persona as follows.

Brucie Wayne:

Wears makeup all the time.

Really clumsy but has a quick reaction time regarding when his kids are about to fight. Yes, he can sense it from the other side of the house.

Mama bear, will panic if someone gets as much as a papercut.

Always wears dark colors because if he wears anything else he always manages to get them dirty somehow.

Will sing to pop songs, gets all the lyrics wrong except the chorus.

Glitter. He always wears at least one thing that is glittery at all times. He also uses a glittery bat-themed pencil pouch in his office (cass got it for him as a joke).

Kathy Kane:

A gay aunt icon.

Fashionable but in a classy way/simple enough to still fight if needed.

Will physically attack one of Bruce's kids to "prepare them for if they get kidnapped".

Damian's favorite, he will go ask her for permission first instead of Bruce. She typically allows him before looking at the camera like 'this is about to be good'.

Is one of the best at giving advice.

Will not hesitate to argue with Bruce's friends (the Justice League in their civilian personas) with the passion of a kid who wants ice cream.

Dick Grayson:

Nice older brother type/has answered to "mom" on screen multiple times before.

Knows all Disney songs by heart and will start singing them as his brothers fight.

The one who posts the most on social media and believes they're "in with the kids".

Is in college but tries his best to make time with his family.

Recites vines with passion as he burns everything in th kitchen.

Always wears "rich people clothing that compliments his best features".

Jason Todd:

Was announced alive before the show started so he's been here since season one and may or may not be the reason that they had to start the show in the first place because people were like, "oh, he could be Red Hood. . . wait".

He's normally the one who starts shit/drama on the show.

He has some of the best comebacks out of his brothers. And yes, most of them are along the lines of, "I died, bitch! I'll kill us both and drag you to hell myself! They love me there, unlike some people!"

Claims he doesn't remember what happened those years he was "dead" and says that he still have bad memory problems to get out of doing stuff because he "forgot".

Plays into the bad boy/street kid stereotypes.

Tends to yell a lot/doesn't have an inside voice for shit.

Tim Drake:

See the full post

1,239 notes - Posted September 9, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

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spacecatpoetry · 2 years

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I remember being such an anxious child.

I remember getting sick in public because I felt like everyone was watching me and judging me.

I remember kneeling down at church on Sundays and getting dizzy and nauseous.

When I stood up I was shaking so hard I knew everyone could see my knees knocking together and that gave me even more anxiety.

When I was 12 I remember getting my first period the morning before daily mass.

Putting on my blue capris with the white stripe on the side and seeing blood in my underwear and I was convinced I was dying.

I went to church anyway, panic biting at my guts, and pretended I was fine.

We went out for breakfast with all my old aunts after and I felt more blood gushing between my legs.

I told my mom I was sick and needed to go to the bathroom.

I told her I was bleeding to death.

She said not to worry about it and handed me rolled up toilet paper to shove in my underwear.

On the way home she tried to awkwardly explain things to me while I tried not to cry.

She left it so vague I still didn’t understand what the hell was happening, just that it was normal and I didn’t have cancer or something.

From that age on my social anxiety was pretty much constant, festering inside of me.

I couldn’t live with myself. I wanted to be someone I wasn’t.

I knew I had to get out of the hole I was in if I was ever gonna be at peace with myself but I didn’t know how.

It was a comfortable prison being at home, familiar and easy and everything was taken care of for me.

But I didn’t like who I was or where I was, I knew I didn’t fit in and that I didn’t wanna be with just my mom forever.

I couldn’t talk to anyone about anything in my life without feeling so small and ashamed so I lied a lot to make it seem like everything was better than the truth.

I thought if I told the truth, everyone would see me as a pathetic, friendless loser with no life experience.

So I lied about myself all the time.

I convinced myself of the lies sometimes just to make it more believable and to make myself feel better.

But I knew they could still tell I was a fake,

I was so fake I didn’t know who I was.

I had one friend, Sara that I’d had since I was a like 5.

And she was pretty awful to me pretty consistently.

She loved to make fun of me and call me out anytime I didn’t do something how she liked or think the same thing as her.

She’d pressure me to spend the night at her house but I hated it there because it always smelled weird and her dad scared me.

He was always yelling and one time he threw a full soda can at her sister, Hannah and hit her in the head, nearly knocking her unconscious.

There were holes in the wall from where he’d hit it in a rage and their mom barely spoke.

We slept in the basement and it was so moldy you could see it growing in black streaks up the walls.

Mom let me stay here because they were “good Catholics”.

I had a massive panic attack one night while I was there and begged to go home.

Mom drove the half hour to pick me up and

I wouldn’t tell her what was going on with me because I didn’t know.

I just knew I felt sick and couldn’t breathe a lot of times and especially when I had to leave the house.

I needed money because I wanted to get a cell phone and buy my own clothes so I got a job at about 16 at a tea farm one day a week.

My boss was this Mennonite asshole with a million children and a dilapidated house that was the messiest place you ever saw.

I never felt safe around him and I was never sure why exactly.

I didn’t realize until much later in life that he sexually harassed me all the time.

I did some artwork for him that he used on his tea boxes and he made me go with him on a drive to Cleveland where he bought me dinner and art supplies.

He brought along his young sister-in-law and the way they talked to each other made me uncomfortable.

Looking back it was pretty clear they were sleeping together and I think he wanted me to be a part of their weirdo relationship. A 40 year old man and two underage girls alone in a car together, basically the start of a true crime story.

Luckily I survived that trip untouched but I’m not sure how.

I did a painting for him and he paid me pretty well but I refused to work for him after that.

Something was really off there and thankfully I trusted my instincts.

At 18 I got a temp job at my brother’s office doing clerical work.

I remember in the interview it had a basic skills test and I couldn’t answer any of the questions correctly because I was so nervous I couldn’t think.

I got the job because they didn’t have high standards.

It was an ok job but I was convinced everyone was talking about how stupid I was since I’d done terribly in the interview.

I would spend every day in a fog of social anxiety.

I thought that everyone could see through me right down to my deepest, darkest insecurities.

Looking back, I doubt they even thought twice about me.

When the job was completed, they offered to let me stay on but I wanted to be home so bad I made an excuse and declined the offer.

I didn’t work for awhile after after that, I can’t remember how long exactly.

When I was 19 I went out with a guy that my aunt set me up with.

It took every ounce of courage to go meet him at the movies on a snowy December day.

We saw The Hobbit, longest three hours of my life where he kept feeling up my leg and I kept pushing him away.

He settled for holding my hand eventually but his clammy fingers felt like mush and my own hand went numb after the first hour.

I was mortified at the whole experience and I ghosted him.

After that I holed up and left the house as little as possible.

I got sick, one of those colds that lasts for months and I used that as an excuse to isolate.

I spent December to April watching tv shows on my laptop, making myself frozen pizza and being a dick to my mom every time she tried to talk to me about anything serious like my depressed mood or my attitude in general.

The only time I left was to visit my brother, Timmy.

Timmy is my one constant in life. He kept me sane and when we spent time together it was always relaxed.

With his easy, confident, personality he could always make me laugh no matter what was going on.

He showed me what a good man looked like and I held him up as an example of who I wanted to be and who I wanted to be around.

That summer I tried to make a comeback.

I got a job as a housekeeper at a nursing home where Sara, my childhood friend worked but it only lasted a few months.

The old people made me so sad and so did all the employees.

I couldn’t stand how hopeless everyone was and how hardly any of the old people had anyone to talk to or any family to visit them.

I got a job at a dog kennel in the fall and the owner was actually very nice to me.

She talked to me like an equal and never made me feel inferior.

I ended up working part time there for four years.

After the first couple years there I decided I wanted to work with animals so I applied to college to become a veterinary technician.

I was a small, for-profit college, just a step above a trade school really but it was the only option I could see for myself at the time.

I threw myself into it completely and tried to really figure out my identity and create the image I wanted.

No one knew me there and it made it a little easier to feel relaxed since no one had any pre-conceived notions about me.

I cut my hair really short and started to wear a lot of flannels and wrote really angsty poems in my lit class that impressed and kind of shocked my professor.

My professors were always surprised by how well I wrote, one even used my essay as an example of good writing to show his future students.

That felt good.

It felt like validation because I always felt like I had something to share with people if I could get them to listen.

Around this time I started to really want to explore the bisexual side of my identity, the side of me is kept hidden for my whole life.

I definitely wasn’t ready to come out but I felt more comfortable in my own skin there and I started to think maybe it was ok that I was different, maybe it was even a good thing.

This was 2016, Donald Trump was running for president.

My whole family voted for him except for me and my brother.

I couldn’t believe it.

I’d seen him in debates and heard what he was saying and it all seemed so diametrically opposed to what my family pretended to stand for.

But he was white, republican, “pro life” and that was all they needed to know.

This political divide widened the cracks that were already spreading throughout my family relationships.

I questioned everything my family had told me and realized I was not like them and that was ok, again, that was good.

Back to college, I got very good grades in most of my classes.

I graduated, got a job at the first clinic that I interviewed with.

I passed my boards with little difficulty and became a registered tech.

I worked my ass off for dirt wages for this vet and he treated me like the absolute scum of the earth.

He micromanaged me in a way that destroyed the shred of confidence I had been building for the last couple years.

A guy I was in class with who’d had a crush on me worked at this clinic and he eventually asked me out.

I had never had any interest in him but

I said yes because I was so depressed and lonely and I just wanted someone to pay attention to me

He bored me so bad and I couldn’t stand to be around him.

I went out with him as little as possible and only one time he tried to kiss me.

It was the most awkward, dry, kiss of my life.

I knew he was talking about me to my coworkers behind my back too.

I could feel them get quiet when I walked in the room and I knew gossip was spreading about the dumb blonde who couldn’t get her shit together.

My mental health was pretty bad at this point.

I cried every morning on my way to work and got endlessly bullied by my coworkers.

At night I’d cut myself with an exacto knife and think about how I’d get out of my life.

I wanted to die but I didn’t wanna leave my mom alone.

That spring I had such terrible panic attacks I thought they might kill me and save me the trouble.

They’d happen nearly every morning before I left for work.

After 9 months one day I’d had enough.

I texted my work and told them they’d never see me again.

I deleted all my social media.

I broke up with the guy I was dating and cut all my hair off again.

I cut everyone I knew other than family off completely.

I planned to kill myself in the summer if I could work up the courage.

I thought I’d slit my wrists in the bathtub.

It wasn’t clean but I wanted it to hurt.

I thought I deserved to suffer for being such a fuck up all the time.

I’d brought home a scalpel from work and I kept it in my sock drawer m.

I kept waiting for the right moment.

I hurt myself pretty regularly and tried to imagine going deeper, making lots of cuts on my upper thighs where it was easy to hide.

Looking back I don’t know if I could have gone through with suicide.

I still felt a sense of obligation towards my mom and brother to stick it out and to not make them sad.

As summer started to come I started to feel a little better.

I still had days of intense depression where I stayed in my room and watched tv and wouldn’t leave but they were followed by days where I felt really happy for no reason.

On these days I would be outside in the sun all day taking walks in the woods with my cat, Phantom and writing fan fiction or dark poetry in the barn loft.

In early June I met someone who gave me real hope again.

Kevin felt like the friend I’d always needed

He brought out the best in me.

He made me forget my own insecurities, made me feel safe, beautiful, whole.

We stayed on the phone for hours, laughing and crying together and healing.

It was the most intensely perfect summer of my life.

We fell in love.

I threw away my blades and decided to try to live again.

I’m coming to grips with myself and my past now in a way that I never thought possible.

I see myself being peaceful, my trauma is still very present but I’m learning to live with it, learning to forgive myself and everyone I know.

I’m learning to release myself from the fear of what others think, to accept myself for who I am.

I’m so at peace for the first time ever and I can’t wait to see what my future holds.

#confessional #therapy #memories #past #peace #very long post

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xanonymouscatharsisx · 2 years

Text

Cw: s*xual ab*se, residential schools

This feels weird to write about the family secret...

I remember growing up, sometimes in school we would talk about things that had a family secret, which was usually something s*xual ab*se. I don't remember specific titles of anything but I know for sure I never read the Perks of Being a Wallflower, which sucked when I watched the movie for the first time after my PTSD diagnosis and flew into a panic attack. Their portrayal of flashbacks was really good, and apparently super dicey for me.

The biggest takeaway I had from some of these discussions was how different some reactions were. Myself and a few others in the class were resigned. Like, yeah, this happens. The rest of our peers looked at us in abject horror. Honestly, they rightly should have. But that was when I knew it wasn't "normal."

This is all only a part of what happened to my mom. And I know there must be more that I don't know, but I know enough that I can see some patterns emerging.

Before I go on, the reason this feels weird, is because in all her failings on other topics, my mom protected me from this. So that's... Something.

I don't remember how I know this but I know my mom was mol*sted. I don't know how often, how many times, all that, but I know for sure at least one man did. I'm also not entirely sure of ages. This was either an example of "I'm in the room pretending to be so entrenched in this random item I'm reading and pretending not to listen" or it was one of the rare times my mom actually spoke to me about something. I think this might even be a combination of the two.

By the time I came around, the man in question was my uncle. I remember very clearly my mom talking about this, and I remember her being so angry that her sister knew that he had been ab*sing her, and I think some of the other sisters, and still ended up marrying him.

I don't know for sure who else was ab*sed, but considering how many of my aunts and even cousins wouldn't really leave their girls especially alone with him, I can make an educated guess. I feel like I have somewhat vague memories of any time I was maybe left alone in a room with him, I was called into the other room.

I always remember feeling icky about him before I remember knowing about the ab*se. Thinking about him leaves a pit in my stomach and I remember that very early on, and I still get that feeling to this day. It's worse in person.

I see so much how this has affected me, even now. Sort of. It affected how I was raised.

When I was getting to be a teenager and dealing with hormones and such, everything about my body was so demonized. It did not help that I was also raised catholic, but I think my mom blamed herself for her ab*se. I've never had a conversation with her about the effects on me, and I don't know if I intend to. I don't think she's ready to talk about her trauma and how that trauma impacted her ability to parent.

I remember being a little little kid, around the time when girls start sitting on armrests and such as part of early sexual development. I remember doing the armrest thing anyway.

Any time my mom caught me doing anything of the sort, I was yelled at, made to feel ashamed, and there may have been spankings? This continued into adulthood when I ordered my first s*x toy, and hadn't thought about it until my dad grabbed the mail. I was 18-19, and I swear, it was like I murdered someone, my mom's reaction was SO intense and shameful.

I have since learned, a lot of what I did as a child was normal, and s*xuality is normal. We're human, and we like pleasure. For some of us, it's this, for someone who is ace, it may be something else. Learning that all of this was normal for the first time actually brought up feelings of betrayal. Trauma can be... Very complicated.

I have empathy for my mom in this. In more recent years, I've gotten into a lot more crime ... Stuff. Documentaries, dramatic series, podcasts, etc. And the amount of victim blaming and just acceptance I see in these is palpable. I even see this in me, when it came to talking to a doctor about issues with my period and wanting to look into endometriosis, and being shut down, there's this resigned acceptance that "that's just what it is." And in cases of SA it is even worse, and especially when I was growing up, our approach as a society about these things was almost victorian. It's impolite conversation.

Now... I know what affected my mom. That's the why for the things that ended up affecting me.

That's not where the pattern stops though. Because there has to be a "why" to why he ab*sed her, and others, right? I don't know that particular why, but I can kind of extrapolate.

This is going to feel very roundabout, especially since I don't have stories directly shared with me, and I would recommend that people explore these, but know that it's not for the faint of heart. It's harrowing, it's heartbreaking, and there is a lot of damage because of it.

Residential schools. Okay, well... I'm in Canada. That's what they're called here. In the US they were "boarding schools" and I'm not sure if this system was implemented anywhere else to affect other Indigenous populations in other countries. I can imagine it was though.

We never learned about this in school when I was growing up. The most we got was "Jesuit priests came to convert Native Americans" and the VERY sanitized story of Pocahontas. I believe I learned the truth about Matoaka in high school, but not from the education system, but it wasn't until I was an adult that I started learning about residential schools, and not even from people close to me, even if they had been through the system.

If you look up these schools, you find plenty of reports about SA, as well as other ab*se. Almost all stories I have seen from survivors have had the same beats in terms of turning to drugs and alcohol to deal with the trauma that they experienced in these schools. Some make it through, and are able to get sober, and start healing, others don't.

It's a pattern I see in my own family. The result of trauma on the person and how it affects those they show up for. I know my mom never went to residential school, but the trauma I know about that she endured has the reek of the same trauma I've seen from other survivors, and I'm making an educated guess at what I don't know.

I know for sure my grandparents were alcoholics. I also know my grandma did not go either, because her father did not think girls belonged in school. So hey, maybe misogyny helped save from one awful thing in all of this.

Regardless of all of this, the continued patterns that I see from residential schools, which were mostly run by the Catholic church in Canada but also some other denominations, all the way to the shame about my own body, the ripples are obvious.

The National Indian Residential School Crisis Line provides 24-hour crisis support to former Indian Residential School students and their families toll-free at 1-866-925-4419.

And their website for further information.

https://www.sac-isc.gc.ca/eng/1581971225188/1581971250953

#abuse #residential #indigenous

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always-thirsty-pocket · 2 years

Text

Bit of an update on my situation I guess.

I was applying for jobs nonstop for two weeks, I had three interviews, I spectacularly failed the first one because I didn't practice interviewing at all and have been socially isolated for years, so I needed days of practice, I did okay at my 2nd interview but they ghosted me, then I got my third interview at Jack-in-the-Box, who had me back for a 2nd interview, and as of the 18th, I was told I would be hired by Jack-in-the-Box. I'm getting nervous about that though since I got an e-mail yesterday telling me to come in the day before I got the e-mail, but it didn't have a time I was meant to come in, and I had to fil out some forms first. I called the number in the e-mail for clarification, but the manager wasn't there. The guy working said "she just sent those e-mails out today, i'll have her call you but she'll probably have you come in on monday", well I've not been called back nor have I gotten any E-mail, i'm checking my spam folder religiously.

My phone was shut off so i'm using a temporary solution that requires wi-fi to make and receive calls and texts, and it's only semi-reliable. So I hope I'm not missing these calls or something. Hopefully I just get the call tomorrow.

Anyway, i'm very proud to have gotten a job at all, but nervous about how i'll even perform. I foolishly decided to ignore some calls from wal-mart for interviews and now my application for them is no longer in consideration, when they probably would have paid better, I'm just of the mind that right now I need to take the absolute first thing that I get in order to help put a roof on my head, and I can worry about finding a better job after all that.

We're still no closer to understanding where we are going or when or even how. My brother said he'd be using his days off to go talk to people who run affordable housing programs but I've only seen him wasting his time at home these last two days... a friend of mine has made me a very generous offer to move in with his family for up to three months, and possibly permanently if I continue trying to improve myself and pay some rent. But as much as I love my friends, I want that to be my absolute last resort, because I'd feel like a really low pile of dirt abandoning my mother and my nephews when they probably need the extra help, and as of right now, my housemates are the only close family I have left, and I have big regrets about letting myself become distant with the rest of my family.

I had a very bad day last week... Before all this crisis began I had set a goal for myself to learn how to drive, and if my mom would teach me, I'd help pay for a butt load of things that her car needed to be legal to drive on the road, including renewing her driver's license. She agrees but strings me along for months, I later find out she didn't really want to do it because she didn't want me spending my money, which......okay...fine... I get your good intentions, but the result was really fucked up. But anyway, we come to find out her car's Catalytic converter is fucked, and it's too great of an expense for me to pay for... on top of that, I was unable to get one of those free phones because we couldn't prove our residency due to having a PO box. So two of my biggest goals got shot down big time and I started having a panic attack. My aunt is coming down a week from now, supposedly giving us her car and taking ours so her husband can fix it. I worry they're going to flake on us though and it sucks that once again, someone else is bailing us out, we need it right now but being bailed out so often is part of what this mess is even about.

Being hired, and having a safety net offered by my friends makes things feel a lot better but things still look very bleak and uncertain for my family and it feels like i'm the only one taking much action when 60 days ( I think it's more like 50-ish at this point? ) is not a good time limit for all the stuff that needs to be done ( throwing out trash and junk we don't wan to take with us, packing, rehousing the excessive number of pets my brother takes in to impress his boss at the animal shelter, finding out where we're going to live in the first place, applying to live there, so on and so forth ) Like, i'm not above living in less than ideal conditions temporarily until we can get a 4 bedroom place, or hell, I'm not above living in a Garage either. My current bedroom is actually a Garage that was converted into a game room by my father before I was born..... this is what stings so much, this is a house my father grew up in, that I visited many times as a child, and was promised it would be my safety net...

Anyway... this got a lot longer than I intended to, suffice to say I will hopefully be working very soon. I would still appreciate Ko-Fi donations in the meantime, as we will have moving expenses, I needed to buy work and hygiene supplies, i'm still trying to get my mom's license renewed and I want to get my learners permit so I can start driving myself... maybe I can be a delivery driver someday, that's what I wanted to do in the first place because truthfully? I miss my paperboy job, but those don't exist anymore. I'm rambling again. Here's my Ko Fi:

Somebody has also started a Gofundme for my brother. He doesn't believe in hand outs, he's not refusing it, but he's also not advertising it anywhere. He's just being too stubborn for a guy who's down on his luck and has two kids he needs to think about. I'm crossing my fingers that whatever he plans, our mother and myself will be included in those plans, but he's made it clear that if it's only him and his kids that he can afford to live with, then the choice is obvious. And that's fair. I'm not applying for jobs so I can blow all my money on nerd shit though, and my mom, bless her heart, is trying to find ways to work too, but frankly, I worry about her physical condition. She's entering her sixties soon and is in very bad shape... Anyway, if you want to give to my Brother, that's an option too, but I don't know how Gofundme works.

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