#but as a child too?! for the same reasons????

[asstrolo]

astrology observations for sad people

— the signs who I personally believe are really misunderstood by their peers are often capricorns and aquarius because of their saturnian tendencies where they become the mature, bigger person or are aloof of how they're presenting themselves, they always think they know better or people feel very intimidated by their personalities and, because people don't understand them, they alienate them,

— aries and scorpio as they are very intense, over confident people, other's might feel put-off by them, they can be very controlling and have a "I don't care" kind of personality that doesn't usually goes well with others, their ways of always trying to make themselves clear and understood causes the opposite effect, they are often misjudged as villainous or mean,

— geminis are also put in a place of having to know better, not given a chance or space to mess up as they are very intelligent people and show it, others might have big expectations which are often not met since they prefer to do what makes them happy and makes them curious, they tend to over-inflate themselves, or the opposite, and people take their words too seriously or not at all, very polarizing sign.

— a stellium in 4th can be super difficult to deal with, specially if it falls on not easy planets like mars, or saturn, uranus, or pluto. These people are always dragged back to their family issues no matter how much they try to escape, their parents maybe gave them too much responsibilities as little kids or vented to their child without thinking of the consequences, if these people ever decide to have a family they should always consider if they're doing it because they want to or because it is what's expected of them.

— chiron in social signs as gemini, aquarius and libra feel very alienated at all times, having social interactions is a learning experience for them, whether is good or bad, I also notice people usually get obsessed with them? They don't respect these people¡s space or it could be the other way around, to me is a placement where you'll learn to not be socially inept or teach people how to treat you right for some reason?

— saturn IS a complicated planet, it depends on the person's other planets and aspects how they deal with saturn, a person with moon conjuct saturn has a harder time dealing with their emotions than a capricorn moon. Even when the energies are similar, they don't have the same impact.

— now, a person with a capricornian stellium or dominant does deal with the saturn energy much comfortably than a person with sun trine saturn, because they were born with it. I personally believe you accommodate, or your aspects accommodate to you as you grow and evolve as a person.

— a pisces stellium, specially if is on moon or ascendants, is very perceptive to other's opinion on them, not in a superficial way but more on a "does this person thinks i'm being fair or mean?" Let's not forget the sister sign of Pisces is Virgo, so these signs also share the analytical or more neurotic way of seeing the world. A Pisces Rising is very self-aware of how they come off to people or how they are seen, they might not show it or say anything about it, a Pisces mercury might be self-conscious about how they approach others, how their voice sounds or how they come off when talking.

— I do believe leo's have a harder time being appreciated by people, as they devote to other's so easily they could neglect themselves in the process. Is the kind of person who is always looking out for someone to make happy or to make them feel comfortable because is something they want reciprocated. But this is a thing that can happen to fire signs a lot, they can be overbearing or too kind to people that it ends up backfiring on them, they have a very childlike mentally.

— is true what they say, a 12th house stellium in a natal chart makes the person passive and/or too in their own world, they have premonitions in dreams, but I've also seen these individuals have a really hard time with sleep, they have paranormal experiences a lot that some of them are used to it. They can be in some sort of medication, but not all, and not always these people are medicated or doing substances, they have an easier time to have out-of-body experiences, like lucid dreaming or sleep paralysis, these can occur because these people are super sensitive and get easily drained and stressed. Is important they are taking care of their energy at all times, I've met many that have one, two or more 12th house placement where I've found out some other person has been doing some sort of witchcraft on them, or have a big negative energy that this 12th houser sucks accidentally.

— having a mercurial dominant or rising can be super difficult when it comes to feeling, they tend to rationalize everything too much, are easily distracted and indulgent, they are very, very anxious at all times on all situations, even if they show otherwise. they overthink things too much, are the kind to be incredibly self-aware or completely out of touch with themselves.

— the ascendant aspecting negatively the mercury gives the individual speech impediment or a very shy personality, an almost inaudible voice or a raspy one, people with this placement have a harder time getting their thoughts across, or people might misinterpret them.

— keeping the conversation going, mercury negatively aspecting saturn makes a shy and reserved person, someone who, as a kid or a teen, has problems with being heard, or people simply didn't care or asked for this person's opinions, they might had been very codependent on an adult or somebody else to talk or to get to be seen, as they grow older they learn to communicate rather excellently, they might want to treat their shyness or whatever problem they have with unwanted attention or negligence

— neptune in personal houses like the 1st, 7th, 4th or 10th is really tricky. you might ignore gut feelings bout certain individuals, or on the contrary, believe someone is good when they aren't. these people can be their own worst enemies as they are super perceptive of how they come across to others, or how others make them feel.

— neptune in the 1st is common on actors and models and singers, usually on famous people, because they can create a fantasy of how they want people to see them, or act like chameleons around people, this creates a series of identity crisis during their lives.

— neptune in 7th is prone to feel things that really aren't there? they convince themselves somebody hates them or likes them for just one interaction, these individuals are like a sponge in social situations and they take everything somebody tells them to the heart. they also are known to lie a lot to people on behalf of good manners, they like to be liked.

— neptune in 4th house has a really confusing or unclear family situation, they might adopt the role of the parent when they shouldn't, or are treated as a child even as an adult, something in their family, in what they think is normal growing up, isn't. the most likely to stay in a bad situation for many, many years because they don't know any better, or think it's normal.

— neptune in 10th, although it deals with fame and impersonal relationships, to me, is just as fundamental as the houses listed above. they don't see themselves through their own eyes, or feel like they depend on other's perceptions on themselves too much, they are confident, or pretend it really well. these individuals know how to act the part, how to commit to the bit, they never feel that sense of belonging anywhere, because they might show different parts of their personalities to different people

— for me, the hardest moons to have are capricorn, scorpio and virgo.

— capricorn moon is a strictly analytical sign, they don't feel comfortable in the moon as is where the emotions and insecurities shine the most.

— scorpio moon is a very intense sign, as opposite to the Capricorn, they can be super emotional, or completely numb, very extremist and their emotions are black or white, polarizing.

— virgo moon is extremely difficult, they don't like to have to feel things, they like to think and act with precaution and it's hard for them to let their emotions slip, the kind of friend who'd have the most practical advice to all sort of topics, a helpful hand in all situations, but when it comes to them as individuals, they let themselves be too much, their head is always at a thousand percent. From what I've gathered of this moon is that, yes, they are neurotic when it comes to certain things, but completely careless to others, and it's usually to themselves, you won't ever see a Virgo moon misbehave or dress bad, but they can hold a lot of suppressed shame or anger or sadness, like they tie it with a bow in a box and keep it locked.

— lastly, no aspect or moon or sign is bad, they are just more difficult than others, there are people with easy aspects, like sun sextile or trine jupiter, they are prone to idealization and inferiority complexes. it's true that a person that has the harmonious aspects is lazier or gets unmotivated way easier. nothing is really set in stone, you can have a moon conjunct saturn and a cancer mercury in 9th house, your way of expressing yourself is more reserved, but optimistic and even childlike. when it comes to astrology, every single aspect and sign, and house counts to describe a person.

#omg long post who this #astrology #capricorn #aquarius #aries #scorpio #gemini #pisces stellium #12th house stellium #4th house stellium #moon conjunct saturn #chiron in gemini #chiron in aquarius #chiron in libra #sun sextile jupiter #sun trine jupiter #capricorn moon #virgo moon #scorpio moon #mercury square ascendant #mercury opposite ascendant #mercury square saturn #mercury opposite saturn #leo #capricorn stellium #gemini rising #virgo rising #neptune #neptune in 1st house #neptune in 7th house

[onmyyan]

Ain't no sunshine chapter 3

A/n: canon typical violence someone gets stabbed (not you) feedback is always welcome

The clock ticks in an uncomfortable rhythm, almost pounding in your ears, you swallow around nothing and try to take a deep breath, only a few more minutes now.

Sitting cross cross felt childish but you needed the comfort of being low to the ground, before you stood a proud grandfather clock, the thing always intimidated you for some reason, maybe it's because you could smell how expensive it was, how priceless, but it was the only room in the house you could guarantee would be free of any nuisances, aka your estranged family.

A lone little Debbie cupcake in hand, a candle in another, you stick the candle inside the soft flesh of the treat, lighting it with the silver zippo, the seconds begin to count down as the wax melts, today was your eighteenth birthday, and the day you'd find true freedom. A day you'd been waiting for since you'd decided to wash your hands of the Wayne's and all who associated with them.

Bruce had begun to add to his collection of broken people one by one a new face was added to the house, and one by one you were met with the same cold indifference.

Barbara Gordon came into your life warmly, on the arm of Dick, she was kind to you in the beginning, making a point to ask you questions and listening intently when you answered, immediately you admired the older woman, her charming grin and bright demeanor was like a light inside the house, until she became who you eventually discovered was Oracle, tied up in the world of heroes and monsters, she too joined the club of exclusion, unintentionally forgetting plans the two of you had made more often than not, sharing inside jokes with Dick about last night's patrol or even taking on a mentor role for Damian, each action like a stab to the heart.

The last straw felt like the smallest one. And it came in the form of Cassandra Cain.

The girl came to the family under reasons you couldn't know, but she was troubled, you could see the same look in her eyes you had when you looked in the mirror as a child, she didn't outright reject your friendship like Damian, but she was seemingly as disinterested in you as the rest of your family, the real kick to your heart came when you walked past a moment shared between her and Bruce, he was comforting her, you couldn't hear the words spoken but you could feel the love pouring from Bruce, how he had a gentle hand on her shoulder, showing her a kind of love he'd never once shown you.

It wasn't her fault and you held no grudge against her, but it still felt like a slap to the face, and every time you saw her, every time she followed them down to their little hiding spot, the acid-like sting deep in your chest got worse. It was then you made a promise to yourself, you'd stop trying, no more reaching out to Dick or praying Jason would message you back, no more begging for Tim's attention or Damian's respect, and you were sure as shit done asking Bruce to love you.

You're brought back to the present moment by the loud ring of the clock before you, the echoing sound brought a ear splitting grin to your face, finally, you were done.

Blowing out the candle, you toss it on the floor, standing with a pep in your step. You'd had your bags moved out days ago so the only thing left was to leave. A chatter could be heard the closer you got to the front door, male and female voices happily spoke with one another, but you were so unfazed, too excited about your current plans to care they'd gathered without you on your birthday.

"Oh hey (Y/n)" Dick says after spotting your form in the doorway, see the only reason you were here is because the dining room lead to the front door, and your new found freedom.

You nod at him, taking in the sight of popcorn and half empty pizza boxes, a movie projected on the wall, ah so they decided to have a little get together?

None of your concern.

"Sorry we didn't call you down, didn't realize you were home" Dick says a look of pity in his eyes, "do you want some?" It's almost said with a wince.

"Nah." Was your simple response, and with that you walked out of their door and lives.

You'd bought an apartment with your own money, you'd been working since you were fourteen, saving every penny for this moment exactly. It was in a shit part of town with an even shitter interior but it was yours and you loved it. Water dripped into a mostly full bucket in the corner, the lights took a full forty seconds to turn on and it reeked of old cigarettes.

Yet you couldn't wipe the smile off your face.

Feeling that euphoric rush had you buzzing all night, besides the bed in your room was, questionable to say the least, so you decided to stay up. Cleaning what you could with what you had made you feel even better, this terrible little space was all yours, no condescending people or assholes in sight.

Feeling hungry, you throw on a black puffer coat and a matching beanie and start to brave the Gotham cold. Each step is taken with a new gratitude, the farther you get from that family the better you feel.

Your happiness is pulled to a grinding halt by the sound of rapid footsteps behind you, without thinking you turn, fist balled tightly in perfect form, Patty would be proud if she saw the way you decked the bastard running up on you.

You nailed him right in the throat sending him to his knees, his knife cluttering to the ground before your feet, grabbing the weapon you point it down at his choking body, your hands still despite your rapid heartbeat. The wheezing man made a swipe at your ankles causing you to bring the knife down right into his shoulder, a scream rips though his throat, the adrenaline in your body has you running on autopilot.

Kicking him in the side of the head to quickly sprint to the corner store where you'd planned on going in the first place, your hands shake as you grab your food, but again, that smile stays on your face.

Not only had you moved out today, you'd proved to yourself you didn't need them for anything, not protection, not validation, nothing, it was like you could breathe again.

The next few weeks are business as usual at the manor, until Barbara looks at the calendar and realizes she'd, along with everyone, had forgotten your birthday. The guilt ate at her until she made her way to your room knocking softly, a cupcake in hand she called out, "(Y/n)? Listen I'm so sorry about your birthday, I got my dates mixed up." The lie came easy, but no response was heard, "I get if you're completely pissed at me, at us but-"

"Miss (L/n) has moved out."

"what? How is that possible we would have noticed her moving out." As if to prove Alfred wrong Barbara opens your door, only to find a barren room, empty of any signs of life. She turns to the older man, a thousand questions burning on her tongue, but he seemed to read her, "you'd be surprised what goes unnoticed in this house miss Gordon, have a good afternoon." He leaves her with this and it only makes the guilt and confusion worse.

She pulls out her phone scrolling to a number she hadn't used in a while, biting her thumb as it rings she's hoping you clear all her confusion when you answered, but you don't, instead an automated message tells her your phone has been disconnected. Now she begins to worry, you were so young, just barely an adult, the idea of you out on your own in Gotham had her heart sinking, clicking the family group chat she sends a message that will change everything.

"We need to talk about (Y/n)."

#yananswers #yandere #yandere x reader #yandere x y/n #yandere dc #yandere batfam #yandere batfamily #yandere batfamily x reader #yandere batfam x reader

[enwoso]

Ooh a bit of an angsty one!

Can we have something about when Alessia transferred from United to Arsenal and how grumpy reacted to the fans (not all fans but quite a lot of them) turning on Alessia?

Something about the transition period and how they adjusted to the new club please!

Love your writing so much!

FOR THE BETTER — alessia russo x child!reader

sorry to whoever requested this that it has taken me so long, i do apologise! this was supposed to be out last week but then i was ill and then life was busy so it’s been a bit delayed but hey better late than never eh?

ALSO thank you all for 400 followers i love and appreciate each and every one of you all<3🥹

navigation -> grumpy universe masterlist

the past couple of weeks had been a whirlwind for alessia but even more so for you. you weren't used to change nor were you a big fan of change.

you'd had basically the same routine your entire life. same bedtime, same favourite teddy, same favourite colour, same amount of sweets you were allowed before bed.

it was all you had ever known and so was manchester.

so when you got home from being australia it was a little weird to you not be going back home with your auntie ella and the other united girls like you usually would after an england camp.

when leaving for the world cup you didn't realise that, that was going to be the last time you were going to be in that home in manchester, the last time you would wake up in that home.

instead, this time you were going back with lotte and the other girls who lived in london for some strange reason unknown to you.

"mummy! where auntie ella going?" you asked as sat on top of the trolley of suitcases as alessia had went to say goodbye to her best friend not knowing when she would next see her.

"back to manchester lovie" she smiled softly, her voice a little shaky. your eyebrows knitted together a litttle, "why we not go with her, we live dere too!" you pouted, your face struck with confusion.

"lovie, we had this talk before we went to australia" alessia had stopped in the airport, dismissing lotte who stood waiting for her. signalling that you'd catch them back up.

"talk?"

"about mummy,, moving to a new club" the blonde spoke calmly trying to re jog your little memory as your mouth opened to an 'o' shape. realisation hitting you that change was happening as the talk memory appeared back into your head.

"your here, i thought you were watching tv in my room" you jumped a little at the sound of your mummy's voice as she came into your room. you'd been playing a game with your dolls on your bedroom floor.

"you wan be this one?" you asked holding up a doll towards your mum as she smiled, nodding and joined you on your bedroom floor.

"before we play though, i actually need to talk to you" your mum sounded serious as a frown appeared on your face, mummy only ever wanted to 'talk' when you had done something you were not supposed to of.

"oh- your not in trouble lovie"

"so mummy has been asked to join a new football club, called arsenal" she explained to you as the doll in your hand dropped slightly. a slight silence filling the room.

"you still play here?" you asked as your mum shook her head, "no lovie it means we have to move down to london"

you paused for a minute, it processing in your head "oh, but who play tag with after training?" you sadly smiled, you would play tag with millie and ona after each training session.

"i'm sure many of the girls will love playing tag with you, beth and leah play there too" mummy said as you looked back up from the ground.

"from england?" you asked as mummy nodded. it took a little convincing from you but once alessia had assured you, after you were a bit hesitant you agreed and didn't feel as sad about leaving manchester.

since the day in the airport, you had settled into your new home in london. it had already been better than manchester as you already seeing your uncles and grandparents more in the past week than you had the entire time that you lived in manchester.

you had made friends at your new nursery, settling in quick — quicker than alessia expected. as well as decorating your room the colour you wanted as well as picking out a new bed, which mummy had described to you as being your first big girl bed.

alessia of course had already started training for preseason. however you hadn't had a chance to go to training with being at nursery so today would be the first time meeting your mummy's teammates.

you were scared.

you don't remember meeting the united girls, to you they had always been there. but mummy said that was because you were just a baby when you first met those girls.

walking hand in hand with your mummy, your other hand holding your elephant teddy, esme which you'd had since you were really little held close and tight to your chest.

your mummy leading you to where she would put her training bag away, along with your bag before leading you down the long corridors to where the team was having lunch.

the arsenal girls knew that you were coming today and had asked alessia what was the best way to introduce themselves to you, not wanting to make you feel overwhelmed by all the new faces.

alessia suggesting that it be one by one as you weren't the biggest fan of big crowds and being fussed over.

you tugged on your mums arm, asking to be picked up as she did placing you on her hip as she walked deeper into the room. there being a few faces which you recognised that being the three england girls but once you spotted some of the other girls you hid your face deep in your mum's neck.

"oh is that you tiny?" beth beamed as you kept your face hidden feeling the movement of alessia sitting down. her hand rubbing up and down your back to try and soothe you, hoping you would come out from your little shell you'd put yourself in.

"she's gone all shy" alessia shrugged as she tried to peel you from your hiding spot, only whines coming from you as you dug your face deeper into her chest.

"shy? if there's one thing tiny isn't and that's shy!" you heard leah say, as well as your mum hum as she nodded her head in agreement.

it was true when you had the chance you could easily talk for england and would most definitely come away with a gold medal in that type of competition. alessia had her brothers and ella to thank for your chattiness even though she loved to hear you ramble on about anything and everything.

“tiny! do you want to see these photos of myle?” beth tried this time, you had been obsessed with the little puppy that beth had just gotten. myle was so small and any time you were at beth’s you would sit and talk to myle — you considered myle to be one of your best friends since you’d moved to arsenal as she too was getting used to all the new faces just like you were.

this seemed to do the trick as you slowly peeled yourself from your mums chest, half your face turning to look at beth, as the other half was covered with your grey elephant teddy. beth who was on her phone more than likely looking for the photos.

you looked up to your mum still unsure as you could see out the corner of your eye the unknown faces of your mummy’s new teammates. your mummy smiling nodding her head enthusiastically as you slowly climbed down from her lap and over to beth who was sat in between leah and viv.

you fingers in your mouth, you other hand having esme the elephant in it as you walked nervously over to beth, standing next to her as she lifted you onto her lap.

her phone screen in front of you as she showed you an arrange of photos of myle, some with a little scarf wrapped around her collar, some of her just lying asleep around beth and viv’s apartment and the rest were myle with some of the girls who were sat in the room with you right now.

“who dat?” you pointed to one of the girls who was holding myle another one of the girls sat next to her as your face scrunched at the unknown people.

“that’s vic and steph, look their over there!” beth pointed the two girls out as they both noticed you looking at them sending you a small wave, as you returned it. alessia watching on as she talked with leah and viv a smile appearing on the blondes face as she watched you slowly come out of your shell.

beth carried on swiping through the photos as you had now learned who kyra, katie, caitlin and stina were sending them all a small shy wave as beth pointed them out in the canteen.

“who dis?” you pointed to the girl in the photo as beth has swiped to the next photo.

“and that’s lia” beth smiled as you looked at her confused, “no that not leah? le there” you frowned as you pointed to the blonde leah who was sat with your mum across the table from you.

beth chuckling lightly at your little misunderstanding, “no tiny, there’s another lia! look there” beth pointed to the other lia as you awh in realisation, sending the lia a little wave like you’d done with the other girls.

“there two leah’s?” you turn to look at beth, who nodded with a smile on her face.

beth carried on, pointing out each of the arsenal girls as you did your signature shy wave at them as beth felt a slight feeling of accomplishment that you’d began to come out your shell, yes you may have not actually met the girls properly but you’d been introduced to and anyway there was plenty of time for you to meet them, the arsenal girls would not only becoming your mummy’s new teammates but they in time would become part of your family.

alessia had now been at arsenal for a few months now and you both had fully settled in, your home in london had finally come together and your room was fully decorated and in your opinion a lot better than your room in manchester.

and now the league had started and you’d now become fully acquainted with all the girls and as your mum had expected once you’d come out your shell, you loved them all.

after beth sat you down and showed you all the girls, it took you a few days to learn all there faces but you had now learned all about them and they had learned all about you and your little habits too.

katie who you learned was irish and had an accent that you found funny as she would say some words funny like the word three always had you in stitches as it sounded like tree, she was cool too as she would let you get away with being a little naughty sometimes.

caitlin, steph and kyra were all australian, they all had a funny accent to you too but the three of them were all different. caitlin was quiet but she would always let you pass the ball to her and play tag with you once training was done.

steph would let you talk to her as she answered all your questions you had about australia especially after just spending the summer there. and kyra well she would help you cause trouble, she would always sit with you and colour as well as dance around the changing room with you when the music was on.

vic was someone who mummy would sometimes take to training, and who mummy would spent a lot of time with when at training. vic was dutch just like viv. and vic wasn’t a big fan of mummy’s driving and on a morning when you were going to training with the as you sat in the back vic would sometimes sit and complain about mummy’s driving as you would sit in the back in your car seat giggling.

and for lia it had taken you a few days to wrap your head around there being two leah’s as in your mind you had only met one leah and that was blonde leah. so you had decided to give them your own nicknames, leah one and lia two just so you didn’t get confused.

as for the rest of the girls they had all been very welcoming to you and your mummy, helping you both to fit in.

and now it was onto the second match of the season against manchester united, the first time alessia was going to be back since she left. to say she was a little nervous was an understatement but she was trying her best not to show it.

“you okay?” lotte asked knowing how much the blonde had been dreading this fixture to come, and it being so early on in the season was not helping. as she walked into the leigh sports village with alessia, you following suit next to her.

wearing your new arsenal shirt, russo printed on the back in big white capital letters over the top of your hoodie it being a cold october night down in manchester something alessia definitely wasn’t missing since moving back down south.

alessia didn’t say anything just nod as she looked over to her england teammate, her lip bottom lip between her teeth as her eyes making sure not to loose you as you three reached the changing room.

you sat on the bench quietly watching your ipad munching on a few snacks you’d been given as your mummy got changed and did her pre match routine.

“mummy?” you looked up from your ipad, your mum doing her hair as you watched her wrap her bobble around her bun. “yes lovie?” she smiled at you.

“we see auntie ella and mazza?” you asked, you knew that arsenal were playing manchester united as you had overheard mummy talking to auntie ella on the phone you then interrupting and talking to ella and how you were excited to see her after a few months not yet being totally used to not seeing her every single day of the week.

the excitement following through the entire week as it was all you had spoken about to anyone you’d seen, even the staff at your nurseries knew.

“after the game we can, i’m sure they are both just excited to see you” she smiled as you nodded excitedly, you little legs swinging from the bench as mummy kissed the top of your head before smoothing out her kit to change into, your attention going back to your ipad.

the match had now begun and was just nearing half time and you were sat with leah one who had come down on the bus with the team, but she still had a big ouchie on her knee meaning she couldn’t play.

you were wrapped in a blanket with your big thick puffer on which mummy had made sure to zip right up before she ran onto the pitch.

watching with a smile, but that smile quickly dropped as then you noticed.

the manchester united fans were booing your mummy. the same fans which would cheer and shout her name while asking her to sign and take photos with her just a few months ago. they were now booing.

the first time you thought maybe it was just a mistake, but then it happened again. every time your mummy touched the ball, they booed.

“why they booing?” you asked, as leah frowned not knowing how to exactly explain it to you but she could tell it was upsetting you.

“i’m not sure tiny” leah sighed as she pulled you onto her lap so you had a better view of the pitch. making sure your blanket was kept around you to keep you from the crisp cold air.

“me no like it” you huffed, a frown not replacing the smile that was on your face moments ago.

“it’s okay, look your mummy’s got the ball, she might score!” leah tried to turn your focus away from the sound of the booing but that’s all you could hear, it was ringing through your ears.

“stop! make it stop le!” you whined shoving your head into her chest as your fingers went into your ears. leah’s heart dropping as she watched you start to cry, deciding it was probably best to take you into back inside away from all the noise.

alessia watched each step that leah took, you in her arms. your face hidden, alessia knew straight away that the noise of the booing as well as the nasty chants were upsetting you. alessia had learned with time to block them out when she was playing but you were young and took things more sensitively.

leah had turned back to try and catch alessia’s eyes, quickly realising alessia was already watching leah. alessia mouthing a quick, ‘is she okay?’ knowing that was probably a silly thing to ask but she did always before running to get the ball from katie, still noticing the quick thumbs up that leah threw towards alessia.

the booing only spurred alessia on more, wanting to play that well that it would silence them. something the travelling arsenal fans had been good at, chanting louder than the many home fans.

leah took you back into the changing room just after half time has finished doing her best to calm you down and distract you — it taking a few laps around the inside of the stadium and a trip to the food van before the tears stopped.

back in the changing room, you sat down on the bench, your ipad propped up as you both began to watch a cartoon as you placed your blanket across your legs and leah knees being extra careful to not hurt her ouchie on her knee.

you both being very consumed by the bright light of the ipad screen you both didn’t even hear the sound of the changing room door go, the girls beginning to pile in at the end of the match.

“hey lovie” you mum cooed softly, placing a hand on your head slightly startling both you and leah. but you were quickly jumping into her arms as she twirled you around.

“you okay now?” she asked softly as you nodded, your arms wrapped around your mummy’s neck not wanting to let go. alessia rubbing her hand up and down your back as you placed a little kiss on your cheek, mouthing a thank you to leah who smiled nodding her head.

“good” alessia whispered, as you let go from hugging you mum as you sat on her hip. “why were they booing” you asked innocently, the same frown appearing from earlier, since you didn’t get a proper answer from leah, you might from mummy.

“there just upset i left that’s all lovie, there silly anyway and there nothing you-” your mummy began as your frown still stayed, “-need to worry about, okay” she finished booping your nose a small smile flashing on your lips.

“i know you love me and that’s all that matters” mummy told you with a smile as you nodded.

“now we need that smile to come back, cause i don’t think auntie ella and mazza will want to see you all grumpy!”

#alessia russo #alessia russo x reader #alessia russo x y/n #woso community #woso #woso imagine #woso x reader #woso blurbs #arsenal women #awfc #arsenal wfc #awfc imagine #awfc x reader #beth mead #leah williamson x reader #leah williamson #mary earps #viv miedema #steph catley #caitlin foord #katie mccabe #victoria pelova #stina blackstenius #lionesses #england wnt #england women #enwoso

[dearest-tobio]

"no."

you and oikawa's synchronicity to iwaizumi's announcement only upped the brewing discomfort. iwaizumi responded with a shrug, unconcerned to the damning fate he just signed you off to.

"sorry guys. makki misbooked. you're just going to have to share a room."

"with him?" you exclaimed, ignoring the petulant, whiny protests that escaped oikawa's lips. "iwa, you know that i'd be more than happy to share a room. that's not what this is about. what this is about is partnering me up with the devil incarnate himself."

"hey!" oikawa interjected. "first things first, i'm borderline angelic. second things second, you can't possibly pair me up with—" oikawa took the pause to gesture to you, further exaggerating the displeasure on his features.

iwaizumi sighed, his intentions of staying as far away as possible the conflict apparent on his face. "it's just one night, you two. we'll get separate rooms tomorrow."

"but—stop copying me!”

“you’re the one who’s been copying me. you stop—"

"enough!"

the piercing finality in iwaizumi's voice adjourned your bickering, and you watched as seijoh's ace pinched the bridge of his nose in exasperation.

"one night. don't let me catch you all entangled up in each other tomorrow and saying things like, 'never mind. we prefer sharing.'"

"i won't," oikawa declared, pride dripping from his words. "don't know about my partner over here, though. just might finally fall for my charm."

"in your dreams, shittykawa."

and now here you both were, laying by each other in the same bed.

you had constructed a makeshift wall to avoid the situation that iwaizumi had described earlier, and oikawa had followed suit. running down the middle of the mattress was a haphazard arrangement of pillows, effectively separating you from the setter.

despite the barrier, you knew that oikawa was still awake. he was shifting and shuffling in the sheets, a sign that he was as devoid of sleep as you were.

"can't sleep?"

the silence that came after was imperceptibly awkward: maybe oikawa was asleep after all, maybe he's just someone who moves around a lot when he sleeps—

"yeah."

“me too,” you replied. “i miss my own bed back home.”

oikawa’s laugh chimed through the chilly night air. “same here,” he admitted. “i don’t go out of town a lot for the sole reason that most hotel beds aren’t comfortable enough.”

preparing for the settle back to quiet, you were more than surprised to hear oikawa’s next words. “why do you hate me so much?”

“hate? you think i hate you?”

“well,” oikawa resumed, “we do argue a lot. over the silliest things. you get along ok with makki, mattsun, iwa. just not me. so yeah, i think you hate me.”

you glanced at your fingers, hoping that the nerves in your system didn’t manifest in the deep breath you took. “i don’t hate you, oikawa. you’re just annoying sometimes, that’s all.”

"what am i on other times?”

“hm? what do you mean?”

“if i’m annoying sometimes, what am i on other times?”

it was your turn to break out in laughter, the jubilance contrasting sharply with the late hour. “i don’t know. haven’t thought about it.”

“oh come on,” oikawa prodded, and you could already picture the smile tugging up at the corner of his lips. “entertain me. might help me sleep earlier.”

“ok.” he’ll forget about it in the morning. “i think you’re charming when you want to be. funny. not that bad looking. amazing at volleyball.”

“so you think i’m, and i quote, ‘not that bad looking’, hm?”

you groaned, rolling your eyes at the ceiling. “out of all the things i mentioned, you choose to focus on the one about your looks? typical.”

oikawa chuckles, and you found yourself following suit. a comfortable silence resides between the two of you: peace, at last. 

you turn your head to see oikawa peek under a pillow in the wall you’ve constructed, his chocolate eyes blinking with a smile. “good night.”

“good night,” you whisper back, brimming like a child with newfound secrets.

the morning after, iwaizumi, matsukawa and hanamaki discovers you entangled with oikawa. pillow partition long forgotten, you laid your head on oikawa’s chest, while his hand was delicately positioned on the small of your back.

matsukawa manages a knowing smirk, hanamaki returning it with a version of his own as he immortalises the scene with his phone. meanwhile, iwaizumi shakes his head, recalling the dramatics of the previous day.

"look at these two idiots. 'don’t want to share a room’, my ass.”

#memo: read me #memo: oikawa tooru #haikyuu!! #haikyuu #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu x reader #oikawa tooru #oikawa #oikawa x reader #oikawa tooru x reader #aoba johsai

[bonefall]

Maybe i just joined the fandom space way later than everyone else, but i swear to god the WaCa fandom is only this up in arms about how "ugly" and "deformed" and "disgusting" Moonpaw is/will be as a result of incest because she is confirmed to be a chimera.

I never saw this same kind of behavior when Graystripes parents were mistakenly made siblings. Nor with Ashfur and Squirrelflight, even after the fandom pointed out that theyre half-uncle and niece. I didnt see it with Fernsong and Ivypool. I didnt see it with Birchfall and Whitewing. I didnt see it with Dewnose and Sorrelstripe.

"Maybe its because theyre first cousins?" But no, because Dustpelt and Ferncloud are uncle and niece, directly related to Robinwing.

I believe the fandom only cares about the fact the parents are related here because in their mind it gives them "an excuse" to be disgusting about her chimerism. With any other characters, it's just another instance of the writers being incompetent. With Moonpaw, "it's why she's so fucked up".

Yes, they hate her because she's a result of an incest, but I'm starting to become convinced they're only this vocal about it because of how she looks. They don't truly care she's inbred, they only care that they have "a good reason" to be ableist.

This being said as a victim of incestual abuse. Cousin and cousin, just like Thriftear and Bayshine.

Is this a bad take? Am I grasping at straws? Is this just an effect of avoiding the fandom for so long? SOS

You're not grasping at straws. I think you're right on the money, honestly.

Something a lot of people don't seem to understand is that a lot of bigotry is not overt. Ableists don't usually run around saying they want all disabled people to be thrown off cliffs (when they get to that point we're in SERIOUS danger), but they DO grab your wheelchair's handles, or speak over you when you're stuttering, or assume you're stupid or dangerous. It's usually implicit biases, and structural inequality.

This is why humor is so good at revealing these internal biases. You may not believe you're classist, you might have friends from Alabama, or Durham, or Wales, but what accent do you give your "stupid" character if you're telling a story? Why are the accents of "poor" regions associated with low intelligence?

So to bring it around-- why did we see the spike in "jokes" about "ugly inbreeds" for our very first character with a confirmed genetic condition?

I've been in and around this fandom since 2008, and I've NEVER seen another character get talked about like this. Mind you, Graystripe was the child of a sister and a brother for a LONG time, too, from 2009 to 2016 (maybe even later, I don't remember exactly when the modern tree was released). And no one did it with Bristlefrost, either, in spite of there being a pretty huge uproar about her parents being distantly related.

No one else. Just the chimera. "No wonder she looks like that" and "here she is with a hapsburg jaw" and "she'd be so slurs she'd be icky."

Characters without disability, no congenital conditions, nothing = "Ugh damn writers and their incompetence strikes again. God they need to get some fresh blood in here"

(moonpaw) = "EWW NO WONDER!! WHEN WILL THE GENE POOL BE BLEACHED"

There's also the incredible irony of the fact that like. moonpaw has a common tortie fur pattern and heterochromia. you don't even need to show an ableist an actual congenital condition, you can suggest a normal face is disabled and they will lose their minds. Bigotry rots your brain.

Also, just, as a closing note, as usual the bigot is incorrect. Chimerism and inbreeding have literally nothing to do with each other. There is no link between chimerism and inbreeding. they are once again confusing chimerism and mosaicism and trying to whine It's Just Biology because you told them their joke wasn't funny.

#mooncourse #And it really just is an excuse to be ableist I got anons calling me delusional from this btw #Also lots of implications that I'm not a victim of incest apparently. Thanks ill go tell my therapist #I'd rather it be me than someone who had it worse though #Some of the stories that were shared with me-- especially one that was a DM and I will not be sharing-- have actually brought me to tears

[batsplat]

as our resident Casey expert i wonder what do you think would have happened if marc and casey competed against each other? since casey retiring is so important for marc coming into motogp im always thinking abt the what ifs...

my initial instinct with this hypothetical is always 'that sounds horrible', though I do have more thoughts and opinions about it than that! marc obviously would have loved the chance to race casey, and casey has even been one of his picks of 'guys he would've liked to be teammates with' before, so, you know, clearly something there - and he does very much respect casey as a rider. I think it's quite likely that by the time marc entered the premier class, casey had already developed... I don't know if wariness is going too far, but maybe a little bit of unease or caution where marc was concerned. marc already very much had a reputation based on his 125/moto2 track record, and some of these incidents were controversial enough that the motogp riders commented on them. so take the phillip island 2011 incident where marc rode into the back of another rider:

the valentino quote serves as a bit of a benchmark here, given he was generally pretty pro-marc. yes, casey's phrasing is perhaps a little harsher, but unsurprisingly none of the riders were big fans of marc's behaviour in that particular incident

on the other hand, it's not like casey never sided with marc. take catalunya 2012, where marc was slapped with a controversial post-race penalty:

yes, casey's main complaint was about inconsistent stewarding - but still, he believed marc had been unfairly treated here. feels like these incidents were some of the only things casey and valentino actually agreed on in those years, so that's nice

that being said, it's hard to see how casey wouldn't have his issues with marc and marc's whole approach to racing. I did include some thoughts on the teammate question here, but mainly I'm going to pilfer the relevant autobiography passage:

"if a rider doesn't care about his own safety then it stands to reason he doesn't care about anybody else's either"... there's nobody really who embodies the 'doesn't care about his own safety' maxim better than marc. he was the young rider desperate to win, and I can't imagine casey would have enjoyed actually racing him much. casey mostly didn't enjoy racing valentino, after all, who is a generally a lot more selective with his aggression than marc is (though casey did have to experience some of the worst valentino had to offer in that regard). casey talked in his autobiography about getting a sense when he just wasn't really able to trust another rider on the track, how much it bothered him - and that exact lack of respect is something that's been pretty closely associated with marc. that doesn't mean he would immediately declare marc his enemy... he'd just want marc to change, to learn, to grow up, to start treating his competitors with a little more respect. the way casey talks about young riders, there is a sense in which he has more time for them than he does for valentino - whose lack of respect casey views as more integral to who he is as a rider. valentino isn't a bully on track due to the exuberance of youth, he's a bully on track when he thinks he can use it as a tactic of intimidation. then again, marc by this measure is worse... and I think very quickly casey would have grown pretty disenchanted with how marc approaches all his wheel-to-wheel racing, especially when it becomes more and more clear marc does not feel particularly inclined to change

it's always important to remember how recent the trauma of losing simoncelli was for the whole sport, and it coloured both dani and jorge's wariness of marc... but also (in my opinion anyway) their restraint in how they dealt with him. how they tried to stop themselves from actually making an enemy out of him, in part because they'd just had an experience of harshly criticising a rider for a whole year and then having to process his death. both dani and jorge actually had more public and more serious disagreements with simoncelli than casey did, but I reckon there would have been an element of that restraint with casey too... on the other hand, his experiences with marc would have left him feeling even more alienated from the sport than he already was - at times frustrated (like jorge was) less with marc directly but more with the regulatory bodies for not holding marc back, for not giving him a race ban or whatever to teach him a lesson. that being said, marc's shamelessness vs casey's stubbornness means that if they had direct on-track encounters and casey didn't like marc's post-race response... well, I certainly think that'd end up being a pretty tense situation, even if it falls short of active hostilities

worth including irl!casey's take on marc in 2013:

which, you know. it's not just that marc's a hard racer - casey is accusing marc of deliberately wanting to make the defeats extra painful for his opponents, of wanting to not just beat but humiliate them. anyone else that reminds you of? someone who is as motivated in securing his psychological victories as his actual ones? perhaps someone who has a bit of a history himself with casey?

let's bring in valentino. it's not that casey would really have begrudged marc his friendship with valentino, and he generally kept his hatred of valentino quite 'clean' in that he wasn't conducting any proxy wars or anything (for instance, I don't get the sense the vale/sic friendship ever affected his view of simoncelli... though I have very little to go on here either way). also, if nothing else in this timeline changes, we're assuming valentino in 2013 is fairly clearly the... fifth? best rider? kinda depends where dani would have landed I suppose (casey's retirement announcement did save honda from a bit of a headache)... but anyway what this means is that valentino probably wouldn't initially have been much of a competitive threat to casey. mostly he would have been consigned to the sidelines

that being said, I doubt casey would have massively enjoyed the whole laguna seca saga. unfortunately, we don't even really know what real life casey's stance on the copycat move situation was... though if I had to guess, in this timeline I'd say his position would've been, a) marc could and should have carried out that overtake two corners later, there was no need in that race situation to take that risk, b) still, it was valentino's slight error as he attempted to reclaim the position (in what was a pretty aggressive manner, it has to be said) that led to them both ending up off-track and fuck that guy, and c) the problem with 2008 wasn't just or even primarily the corkscrew overtake and it's annoying that that's the only bit everyone talks about. of course, there's also the question of whether casey would have bought marc's explanation that it was totally by coincidence that the overtake happened there... and again, complete guesswork, but my sense of casey is that he would have assumed marc was being at least a little bit dishonest. (which, you know... laguna's not an easy track to overtake at, but marc did prove with the bradl move that he was perfectly capable of overtaking after turn 8 - might not have been planning on the off-track excursion, but he was still attempting to overtake just ahead of a blind crest that happened to feed into the corkscrew lol.) I think casey by his honda days had calmed down a bit (though he still certainly had some conspiratorial tendencies), but I also don't think it's a stretch to imagine that he would've felt like he was a victim of a joke between the pair of them... not ideal

overall though, I reckon casey's main frustrations would have been less with the move itself and more with how it was discussed. in the presser, while joking with marc, valentino does take the opportunity to get in a jibe at casey for old time's sake. there's this clip, where he directly addresses livio suppo (at ducati in 2008, by then at honda) - specifically about how both casey and suppo criticised him for that overtake. in response, suppo says something about how he's grateful to marc because they finally got payback. valentino is later asked directly about casey's complaints in 2008 in this clip, and replies with the following:

would valentino have said this stuff with casey still in the paddock? well, yes! honestly, given valentino did very quickly lay off needling casey once he had retired, there's a good chance he would have said something worse. and marc would have laughed along at the whole thing. I don't know, I just don't see casey taking particularly kindly to that... he can hold a grudge, that man can, and at a certain point he'd probably be increasingly less willing to give marc the benefit of the doubt. interesting situation though, laguna seca '13 + casey is a very juicy scenario that could play out in several different ways

but I'm guilty of burying the lede here - there's a far more obvious reason than anything I've described above for why the casey/marc relationship would have turned sour. it's the simple fact that they would have been teammates which would do the damage all on its lonesome; they have radically different conceptualisations of how that dynamic is supposed to work and would inevitably have clashed as a result. the one commonality they do have is they don't see their teammates as potential friends, which is... also not helpful! I think they'd probably initially be fine on the interpersonal level - and, actually, given how the casey/valentino relationship played out and marc's general approach to his rivalries, I can see marc/casey more or less being able to maintain a minimum standard of politeness towards each other even at their worst. like, I still think they'd be able to smile at each other and do some small talk when face-to-face, but I also think everything else would be a complete disaster. I talked a bit about how marc approaches his teammate relationships in this post - and I'm not going to rehash too much of what irl!marc got up to, but I'll include some bits relevant to casey

from marc:

related to casey:

and dani comparing the two:

we do obviously even have actual real life controversy wherein casey thinks marc felt threatened by him and forced him out of honda... and this in a timeline where they weren't even direct competitors! if this is the level of tension a test rider role can generate, then if they'd actually been teammates...? yeah, no. casey thinks that teammates should cooperate - and he thinks that riders enforcing divisions within the box are essentially doing so because they are "afraid". marc has openly admitted to lying about what parts he likes to make sure his teammate doesn't get any edge over him. this is the thing, right: marc might think casey is a cool rider, would've liked the chance to race him and even be teammates with him... but this is the stuff he did to dani, who was one of his literal idols! this is his understanding of competition - (like valentino) he might love the fight, but simultaneously he'll do pretty much whatever it takes to win, because he considers this stuff fundamentally part of the game. casey does not. to casey, this kind of victory is dishonest. any kind of gamesmanship is a sign of weakness... the victory is worth less if you're accomplishing it like that

now, hey, maybe marc would never have been able to go as far as he did with dani because he wouldn't have the kind of performance edge that allows you to definitively impose your will within the team. I think it's a popular interpretation that marc wouldn't have won the title in 2013 if casey had been there, which... I mean, I think it's true that it would have been less likely - in that in a season with that much volatility, the more plausible championship contenders you have the less likely it is that any single one of them takes the title (same goes for instance if you add in a valentino who had not gone to ducati for two years and would have presumably been more competitive in 2013). but it's not like casey would have been the defending champion and the clear class of the field... partly due to injury, he ended up finishing in third in 2012. jorge and dani didn't win the 2013 title in part as a result of their own injuries, and who knows how casey would have fared... like sometimes it's just luck of the draw really. you can be the better rider and still not win the title, shit happens. I think for as long as a more or less healthy-ish casey stays in the sport, it would have been unlikely that marc establishes quite the same performance edge as he did over dani... but, well, if anything that would have meant he would have fought even harder out of perceived necessity to win the internal honda wars

it's the kind of thing that can make a relationship quickly deteriorate, especially with a prickly character such as casey, and it's entirely plausible that dynamic would have become strained at best and horrendously toxic at worst... sooner rather than later. and the thing is, this environment would affect marc considerably less than it would casey. again, it's the fact that he relishes the fight... he's very good at shrugging off (most) criticism and thrives in that kind of tension. the emotional fatigue that this scenario generates would be painfully lopsided, where casey offers harsh criticisms and means them and is endlessly frustrated with marc's approach, while marc... doesn't really care. at least dani also had a questionable manager who was conducting behind the scenes warfare on his behalf - casey doesn't want to play these games at all. he just wants to ride a bike, and marc is never going to allow him to live in peace as long as he's an internal threat. if casey were exposed directly to all of that from marc, I doubt he'd walk away from the experience with a particularly positive impression of him

does he walk away? I think there's a decent chance that casey would have ended up so disillusioned with the whole thing that this would have been what pushed him into retirement. if he wants to get out of that mess, let's say after two years, his options would have been pretty limited. yamaha is closed off and I'd struggle to think of a scenario in which either jorge or valentino would have been particularly interested in a direct swap (also, if you're sick of being marc's teammate, you're probably not gonna be jumping at the chance to be valentino's instead). I suppose you could go back to ducati (which he did return to as a test rider so it's not like those bridges were permanently burnt), and maybe casey could do something special even with *gestures* that version of the bike. really though... I think enough would have been enough for him. regardless of the actual balance of success between the pair of them, my guess is marc wins that war because he's happier to get nasty and because he wants it more. casey has his two to four titles... he's done. let him go fishing

#wow sorry i feel like this is a bit depressing? 'casey would retire at age 29 rather than 27' feels like a mean place to take this #maybe this is too cynical.... feel free to disagree. just personally really struggle to see anything other than disaster #i think it's a fun scenario but in all seriousness as someone who is like. generally invested in casey finding some peace in life #i'm quite glad he didn't have to go through it. good chance he gets another title but he left for a reason #'oh nice an ask i can answer quickly' i think to myself #and well i did write it quickly but i realise it's still. quite long #babynflames #marc marquez #casey stoner #// #mm93 #cs27 #2013-15-ish vale/jorge love and peace era were already kinda looking over at the honda wars and going. what's all this then #in this timeline i reckon they'd be even more pointedly cooperative. occasionally give a friendly thumbs up at the explosions next door #valentino a big believer in letting others do his dirty work for him so it'd be very [carefully neutral smile] #'EYE didn't think there was any problem with marc's move... maybe casey should consider not leaving a gap next time?' (there was no gap) #he does do that a littleeee with jorge but idk it felt less malicious... i think on a personal level he enjoyed riling casey up more #more genuine dislike for jorge imo but couldn't quite help himself with casey with the constant bickering... it's complicated #where would marc/casey have their first on-track incident? reckon cota would actually be a good shout - get it in nice and early #vibes of a good casey track but not marc cota levels good but marc's still a child... idk you need to get them in the same bit of track so #otherwise some time in the assen to brno stretch.... let's say *spins wheel* indianapolis #can u imagine if marc did the corkscrew move on CASEY... get rid of bradl (sorry dude) what does THAT podium look like what are the vibes #batsplat responds

[brailsthesmolgurl]

LOSE YOU TO LOVE YOU

Preview: You had to lose your lover to protect them against harm but what happens when someday, fate connects the two of you again? Warnings: Angsty but yes to fluff too, slightly-slightly suggestive towards the end! this is gonna be a bit of a lengthy read as always

P.S: This is an extremely detailed request by one of you guys, its a bit challenging for me to write it hence I decided to take it upon my own twist for the story. Or else, I might actually get so demotivated to write this piece and I do not wish for that. Overall plot would still be half-preserved but I had decided not to use any names just for the overall inclusivity for other readers. Great ideas should be shared and I think my readers would like to be included too in this wonderful plot :)

"What...what have you put into this y/n?" Rafayel stumbled, the mug slipped out of his hand when his legs started buckling beneath him. He was in disbelief as he watched the mug broke upon impact against the hard tiled floor. It was like time had slowed down for him and he could only blame the orange juice he had drank. "Y/N!" He calls out to you again, hands now clasping onto his slender neck when he slowly crumpled to the ground. Yet, his calls for you fell upon deaf ears, four walls on each side of the room watched him suffer.

You peeked over the heavy door leading to his room and your eyes watered at the sight of your fiance lying motionless on the ground. Knocking him out is the only way you can think of the moment you were threatened by an elite group of assassins. They are the reason behind his bounty value--that had exceeded by two million-- and they presented the only option for you to 'save him' is by leaving him.

They cornered you on one of the days when you were out dealing with Wanderers. Although you are fairly combative, one woman against a dozen of elite assassins would not grant you a survival route. Hence, you were practically forced to listen to their proposal. Not much details were disclosed to you about why they were willing to retract the bounty for your fiance but you figured if he could live a better and safer life without a bounty hung on his head then why not? Even if you were to be at their disposal.

"Leave him and he shall walk like a free man he once was." You remembered the grim voice of a man as he relayed the terms and conditions to you. "We do not seek a confrontation here as you are with child."

Flashing back to the present, you lightly rubbed your belly, still wondering how they know of your pregnancy when it was not even announced to Rafayel. This further tells that those assassins are not to be messed with. "I am sorry." You knelt down beside your lover, studying his peaceful features as he was snoozing. "I am sorry I have to do this to you. I promise you that I will be back for you when the time is right." Pushing yourself off of the floor, you left without turning your head back. Each step taken ripped your heart out of your chest even more.

Years had gone by, with you disappearing off of the grid and went into hiding. During then, you had been living under a pseudonym, revamping your whole image and identity to go full on undercover. You did this because you did not want Rafayel, nor anyone from your past to track you down. However, peacefulness does not last long when news of Rafayel’s bounty is on the rise again and it got you wondered what he could have done to piss them off. You did some digging yourself. With the help of your new identity, you can slip in and out of the clubs without a worry. Eavesdropping just enough to get the information you need to propagate further in tracking down the same man who once threatened you to leave Rafayel.

The trail has led you back to Linkon City and you stood at the balcony of the unit you had rented, overlooking the scenic view of the concrete jungle below. The city has changed a lot since the last you had been here and that is probably years ago. “Mummy.” A child-like voice snapped you out of your reminisce and you looked down, watching the toddler walking up to you. A perfect photocopy of your ex-lover; with dark purple locks smooth to one’s touch and eyes the same as his hair. He is like a doughy-faced version of Rafayel. The child that you bear while you left Rafayel now stood in front of you, eyes full of hope before another similar face joins him. Yes, you gave birth to twins. The other is yet another photocopied version of Rafayel, but adorns the eyes as deep as the blue sea. That is how you manage to tell them apart from one another.

“Mummy you okay?” The blue-eyed toddler followed up with the question. Although only been in this world for three years, the both of them had grown so much, not only in terms of height but also knowledge and other aspects that would commonly be found within a toddler’s growing age. They inherited Rafayel’s artistic talent; always doting on painting to pass time whenever you are home with them. Whereas from you, they certainly are highly adaptable and smart. “We go for walk mummy?”

“Yes, let’s go for a walk.” You stood upon and went over to the front door to grab your coat, handing the twins their coats as well. “Put them on alright, the night is going to be chilly and I do not want you guys to be sick.” Out of habit, you slotted your baseball cap right over your head. It is a good strategy to not stand out from the crowd when you get to shield parts of your face at certain angles. You grabbed your wallet and phone and proceeded to walk out with the twins.

Nights in cities are never boring; with bustling traffic and chatters hailing from crowds. This was what you had missed out on for the past years. Staying by the countryside does have its perks but still, you missed the noises of a city that is alive. Dank pathways were sprawled out at the park as you walked with your toddlers by your side. The rain had just subsided and it smelled of dew and silt. But, something seemed off. There were hints of metallic smell in the air, a smell closely resembled to fresh blood. You stopped in your steps and started scanning the area, your ears perked up to maximise picking up even the slightest of gales. “I’m scared mummy.” Your toddler had seemed to pick up on the shift of aura as well.

A twig snapped and you too, snapped yourself towards the source of the sound, shielding your kids by pushing them behind you and hands dug deep into your coat, ready to draw out your weapon if danger ensues. Your eyes were narrowed into slits, relying on dimly lit street lamps to highlight the bushes in front of you. “You know what you should do right?” You looked down, watching your toddlers nod towards you. They were already trained from young to flee should there be any situation that requires them to. Both of them have a watch equipped with a navigation system that will lead them directly to the nearest police station or anywhere that is a confirmed safe house for them. With that, you ushered them and watched as your kids held hands with one another and started to tread lightly out of the park, the watch illuminating their way.

You pulled out your gun the moment an amorphous figure emerged from the bushes and before it could reach you, it burst into flames, screams of agony like a banshee on a killing spree tore through the empty park. Luckily, your children had already fled and a beep on your watch notified you that your kids are safe, and they are currently back to the unit that you had rented. You lowered your gun and stared at the tallowing figure in front of you, the blazoning red tinge of flames looked familiar, it was as if you had seen it—“Y/n?” You blinked, looking up to find another figure emerging from the same path taken by the man who had now disintegrated into ashes and blended into the night skies. “Is that you?”

“Rafayel?” Your jaw dropped, watching him emerged from the bushes. It must be because you missed him so dearly that your mind decided to deploy a mirage of him amidst danger right? It’s like those final wish scenes and you could not help but feel goosebumps slowly drawn to the surface of your arms. “You’re not real.”

The man in black clomped over and you stumbled backwards, gasps fleeting out of your lips as you thought you just saw a ghost. “Careful.” The grip on your arm gravitated you back to reality. You are now staring right into the eyes of your ex-lover, the same guy you thought was killed because there were no news of him anymore. The same man that you were forced to leave in order to protect his safety. The love of your life, the father to your twins. “You are back.” He enveloped you into his arms, his breath disheveled, his tone of voice ebullient. You were expecting a frustrated Rafayel, not forgiving you for leaving him, not acknowledging your existence because you had left him so suddenly without a reason.

Yet, you could not seem to fathom his current state as he held you tightly in his arms. Rafayel had been nothing but the bearer of a deft husk of a ‘widow’. Ever since he woke up to an empty home, he became relentless. Thomas too, was greatly affected by his melange of emotions. Everyone else who worked around him were forced to be more obsequious than ever, showcasing utmost sycophancy in fear of getting panned by the artist. For he had went through a change of heart, thirsting only for revenge upon the group of people that took away his lover. Succour was indeed offered by Thomas, to seek out information regarding your whereabouts. Rafayel agreed and thanked him, providing him all of the money needed to seek you out but deep inside, he knew that finding you would not be a simple matter and his worry haunted him further.

The walk back to your place was awkward, one-sidedly perhaps. Rafayel had not stopped talking, telling you about his journeys of tracking down every single one of the members of the elite group and threatening them to spill their guts about your whereabouts. Given that you left him on your own will, none of the men knew where you had migrated to and that literally got their guts spilled afterwards. He then went on, telling you about how he had handled the truth of you leaving him, that, when it came to a certain point in his life, he was the one that caused you the suffering instead. His words did travelled into your ears, but it was not being processed properly as you were too occupied on thinking about how does one tell their long time lover that they had became a father without their knowing?

The both of you stood at the front of your door now, you praying quietly to yourself, hoping Rafayel would not freak out if he were to meet both of your twins upon stepping into the entrance. You imprinted your thumbprint on the scanner and the door unlocked with a crisp click. Two sets of footsteps were heard clomping towards where you stood and you looked over to Rafayel immediately to analyse his reactions towards your twins. “Mummy— who’s this?” The both of your twins immediately froze, being only a couple of steps away and their eyebrows were strewn together in confusion. The father of the twins stood frozen too, eyes darting in between the two toddlers, noticing the familiar and yet uncanny features of theirs.

When Rafayel got to the leader of the elite group, he was foretold that you were pregnant when you left but he supposed that he was unable to take a grasp of time after you had left. Both of the boys are a bit taller than kids of their age, both rocking the same purple locks as his, pallid and flabby cheeks that Rafayel was certain to own when he was younger back in the days and not to mention, the both of them got your lips. Every lip motion is a total reflection of you. “You were pregnant with them when you left me right?” You took the note that Rafayel does probably know of the existence of you having a child but maybe, he is still in shock, not expecting twins at all. You nodded in response to his question.

Rafayel got onto his knees and smiled, tears started jerking around in his eye sockets, tainting his purplish-pink eyes a glassy tint. “I am your father.” He opened his arms to the twins but your kids cautiously looked over to you, awaiting for the confirmation as they had never seen their father before. Upon noticing your nod and smile, the twins squealed in surprise and hurtled themselves into his arms. Just like that, a family reunion happened.

“You already got them to bed?” Couple of hours later, Rafayel had placed the two reluctant twins of his to bed. Given both of the kids had been longing to have a father figure in their life, a few hours of interaction with Rafayel are definitely not enough for them. However, bed time at 9pm came to be an obstacle for the twins. Yawns started replacing laughs and Rafayel knew it was time to call off play time and switch to story time. You would usually read them to bed and Rafayel thought it is a great idea to put the kids at ease by telling his story, portraying himself to be the main protagonist set out on a journey to save a princess and to rescue her minions as well. The princess being you and yes the minions are the twins.

“Yeah, they could barely listen to my story for five minutes.” Rafayel plopped down next to you on the couch and extended his arm across your back, an invitation for you to lean against his shoulder and you did just that. “I might have went a little hard on them for the tag game.” That explains the heavy stomps and patters of footsteps coming from the room and hallways just now as you were taking a rest. You settled your longing gaze on your fiancé, realising that years had done no harm to him. The same hairstyle that he wears without much styling, the same siren like eyes that only holds you as the apple of his eyes, the same moles that were dotted across his face and the same warm smile he could ever emblazoned onto his features when it comes to being around you. He never changed.

As your insecurity started to settle upon you, particularly towards your own looks. Where time and stress has taken a toll on you, imprinting its effects with fine lines and wrinkles on your face, painting dark circles under your eyes and causing you to constantly wear a fatigued smile. “Do I look different to you even after all of those years Rafayel?” You peered up to him.

“My love.” Rafayel’s warm hand came up to caress your pinched cheeks, you had indeed became much more thinner than he last seen you, before you left him. He knew you must have not suffered any lesser when you had to constantly be on the run while having to bring up both of the kids by yourself as well. But, part of him was grateful that you no longer had to run, for he had eliminated every single member of the damned association. “You still look the same as how you always were.” His eyes wandered, down your cheeks and to your lips and back up again, lust wriggling its way through his gaze. “I missed you dearly my wife. I promise you that no matter what happens ever again, I will not let anyone convince you to leave me anymore. For I, will take full responsibility for the safety of our family.”

Your eyes reflected like glass under the dim lighting, words of affirmation coming from your lover after such a long time seized all of the rumination in your head. You did not notice the streaks of tears till you felt the pads of his thumbs swiped across both sides of your cheeks, his hand now fully cupping your small face. “Now, may I take the responsibility to care for my wife and to make love to you all night to prove my love to you?” The words he spoke were laced heavily with romance and lust that he had held back for years and little did you know, he is going to give you another child and make up for all of the lost times with you and his children.

A request from @cherriejoyponce, fulfilled with my own twist. Hope you like it!

#love and deepspace #love and deepspace x reader #rafayel love and deepspace #zayne love and deepspace #lnds #xavier love and deepspace #fluffy #rafayel x reader #zayne x reader #xavier x reader

[sysig]

Here, have an unfinished set of Die Anstalt plushie crayon-scribbles from 2020 ♥ (Patreon)

#Dooodles #DDoodles #Parapluesch #Just missing Dub and Kroko! And Wolf!Dolly and like - the hand puppet lol but there are limits #I planned to make a full set of six but just - never ended up doodling the other two lads #To be fair - Sly is my favourite-favourite and Dr. Wood is very close behind him and Dolly close behind /him/ so lol #And Lilo is always my first playthrough so he gets a special place <3 Same reasoning to leave out Dub probably #I usually play him last - and also his route is probably the most distressing :'0 I don't like using the electroshock machine! #For Kroko I have no reasoning lol - middle child syndrome I guess? I love Kroko too! I love them all! #But I am also biased towards my Faves haha #Maybe I'll come back with the other two sometime :) I haven't played with my crayon brushes in a long while! #Which is a shame - they're fun #Looking at my files this was around the time I made Todd's crayon doodle of him and the Vargases as well haha - lotta use that just fell off #I like how delicate Dolly looks :) Her leg stitches are always the cutest hehe #Sleepy girl! Let her rest! Let them all rest ♥

[aloysiavirgata]

Some kinky/m-rated post-revival headcanons for msr, please?? ☺️

1. Her moisturizer is obnoxiously expensive. It comes in a fancy little purple jar that he always winces at seeing in the recycle bin because he feels as though even the empty vessel must be worth money that he does not need.

Scully runs her fingers down her Vespucci throat, fingers slick with obscure polymers, and he remembers why he doesn’t care.

“Can I help you?” she asks, massaging nightingale shit or snail venom or some other unholy thing into those impossible cheekbones. Into eyelids taut and fine as dew-jeweled spiderwebs. Watching him in her Edwardian silver-glass mirror through lashes like opera curtain fringe.

Decades of touching her, but he cannot say she has skin like the finest vellum without sounding like Ed Gein. He cannot say “I want to bite your calla-lily throat until it bruises into a violet,” without sounding like Ted Bundy.

“Nothing,” he says, his lip between his teeth. “I didn’t mean to interrupt your ablutions.”

He bites at his tongue like a cherry in April; almost ripened but not quite. He twitches a little in his faded yellow pants, twitches and considers, but isn’t fully hard yet.

Scully watches him in the mirror. Runs lotion between her high, bare breasts with her Rodin hands; studies him with her tourmaline eyes.

***

2. His forearms. She fell in love with restrained sexuality - no. No, she had a concept of it after she watched Casablanca one afternoon home from school with a stomach bug. Catholic girls fall in love with restrained sexuality very young, only they don’t know it. They iron their kilts and they pray and they confess to all the wrong sins. They fall in love with dark wool blazers and satin ribbons and the brave wilted starch of hand-me-down blouses.

The muscles below his elbows, woven like a braid. Like a scourge.

He’s past sixty. He’s past sixty and if she’d met him now at the same age she was then she still would have bitten her lip and said “Jesus H. Christ” and quietly, secretly, shamed her father.

Let him finger her in a Ford Taurus. Called her sister and said, “Ohh, Missy, I think I fucked up.”

Daniel, Daniel. She thought that was love.

Mulder smirks, a five-o’clock-shadow on his disparately perfect face. Mulder with his squinty eyes and his too-short chin and his beestung jigsaw mouth like the reason kissing was invented.

“Can I buy you a drink?” he asks, tapping his nutmeg fingers on the scarred kitchen table.

“You don’t make very much money,” Scully notes, running her thumb along his brachioradialis. His skin is the color of sand castles, of the the edges of chocolate chip cookies. “With your blog.”

Mulder pouts. “I made it the old fashioned way,” he says, his thumb against her philtrum. Her lips. Her tongue.

“You certainly didn’t marry it,” she teases. “Living in sin.”

He nibbles the fleshy pad of her thumb. “I inherited.”

***

3. Her waist is sister to a Stradivarius. Her waist like Maud of Wales. He knows he shouldn’t obsess over this, her taut palimpsest belly, especially after the birth of a child they can no longer even claim. He knows it’s a quirk of genetics, like her startling eyes and her amber hair and her glorious brain. He knows she was born to be someone’s muse and that he has thwarted her destiny of Gauloises and pouting silver-nitrate immortality in a coffee table photography book.

She could still launch a thousand ships, she could bring Rossetti to his knees. He does not realize that the muse she is - a Perugino angel, a Lovelace polymath - remains his alone by her desire.

Scully, nearly sixty. So soft and so hard and angular and curvaceous. How had he ever waited, her waist and breasts and hips all bound in wool and gabardine and fitted black poplin? How had he let her beg off the lyric of “If I were the king of the world/Tell you what I'd do/I'd throw away the cars and the bars and the wars/Make sweet love to you.”

He curves his hot palm below her rib cage with his left hand, thumbs her tailored blouse open with his right.

He sucks at her rosy-brown nipple; her clavicles; her pale calf; sucks at her like Eve drinking in the first sweet juices of the apple.

***

4. Mulder should have been a pianist or a surgeon, she thinks. Should have been conducting an orchestra with fingers that beautiful, but instead he’s massaging a focaccia into a lazy rectangle.

He’s a tactile animal, her love, with his rangy hands and his absence of physical boundaries. Mulder has loomed and leered and poked and prodded for decades. He’s touched her in wildly inappropriate ways since Monica Lewinsky could legally drink. The 90’s, what a goddamn time, with his wholesomely filthy calendars and his flagrant innuendo.

Scully’s watched him squeeze limes and kill terrible people and braid challah and still - shameless - she sucks her bottom lip when he unbuttons a cuff, grips the gear-shift in their Highlander.

Mulder slices a tomato, chiffonades the basil.

“How long to rise,” Scully murmurs, cupping her palm around the tender juncture between his thighs.

Mulder sucks in his breath, arranges a flower garden on his dough. Adjusts an olive slice with the precision of Michelangelo.

“Twenty-four hours in the fridge,” he says, pressing deeply into her hand. “I hope you haven’t got plans.”

***

5. He licks at it like someone’s elderly aunt; like a mother cat; like a judgemental yiayia, bubbie, meemaw.

Scully swats at him, irritated. “Stop it. It’s not schmutz.”

“No,” Mulder says, tenderly. Stubbornly. “All those years, who did you think you were fooling?”

She scowls, too thin and too pale and too aristocratic for his comfort. “When I was nine Aunt Olive said it cluttered up my face.” Scully presses a forefinger to the birthmark above her lip. “It made me self conscious.”

“Je suis coquette,” Mulder says, his tongue teasing her lips apart, pleased with his own cleverness. He took three semesters of French, traveled there, but studied Les mouches independently.

A gentle swat to his nose. “It’s a cluster of melanocytes.”

He would absolutely love to slap Scully’sAunt Olive. Scully's dreary biology professors. “Tell Marilyn Monroe,” he mumbles against her fleur-de-sel mouth. “Tell Cindy Crawford.”

Scully says nothing, but her skin warms. Softens, loosens. She melts, midway cotton-candy at the State Fair, into his waiting mouth.

#xf fanfic #xfiles fanfic #msr #my fic #prompt #inbox #revival

[convenientalias]

Why Nirvana in Fire Wins at Revenge Story with Identity Porn

Nirvana in Fire was my first ever cdrama that was a revenge story with identity porn. Since then, I've seen many other dramas along similar lines. A League of Nobleman. Blood of Youth. City of Streamer. Fighting for Love. Legend of Anle. Long Ballad. Princess Weiyoung. Rise of Phoenixes. Sword Dynasty. Weaving a Tale of Love. Word of Honor. Some of them are quite good but none of them really hit the same way. So, apart from the fact that it was the first one I ever watched, I thought I'd made a brief list of reasons why I think Nirvana in Fire is the best.

Lin Shu's Identity

I just appreciate that when shit went down and Lin Shu's whole family and army and many of his friends were killed and he became a man on the run, he was a full-grown man (okay, still pretty young, but definitely not a child) with his own life and even an army position.

A lot of these identity porn dramas will have their MCs meeting ppl for the first time in many years, in disguise, but they only knew these ppl when they were children. Childhood friends are great and all that, but can they hit as hard as the complicated, fleshed out relationships that Lin Shu had and lost? He had a friendship of many years with Jingyan. He had an engagement and a longstanding friendship with Nihuang. He has friends from the army, younger cousins playing the role of "we don't even understand what happened back then and maybe that's better", older friends and relations who he actually knew as an adult.

Simultaneously, his past identity increases the threat of discovery for Lin Shu. He's a known factor to many, many people in the capital. Yes, they think he's dead. But small things like a hazelnut allergy or his mannerisms or his previous friendships with people are still memorable enough that even with a completely different face, if he's not careful, he might give himself away. He's not infiltrating a group of strangers or people who only knew him as a kid. He's infiltrating a group of people who were close to him for many, many years of his life.

HOWEVER. Lin Shu's identity is not so important that everyone in the capital is still obsessed with him twelve years later (with some exceptions). This isn't Mysterious Lotus Casebook where we're all still pining for Li Xiangyi, because...

2. The Chiyan Case Wasn't Even About Lin Shu?? (Also, No One Cares About That Ancient History Anymore (Jingyan, Sit Down))

The Chiyan case wasn't about the Lin family at all, really.

No one specifically wanted Lin Shu dead or had a big grudge against his dad or anything. It's all about power, military and political. For some conspirators, it was just about getting a leg up in court. But mostly, it was about Prince Qi, the previous crown prince. The Lin family just happened to be friends with him and ended up in an uncomfortable (highly murderable and frameable) position.

Lin Shu may mourn his family, but for the majority of the show, he doesn't talk about it. He doesn't talk about his mother and his family back at the capital either committing suicide or being killed indiscriminately. He only mentions his father's name a handful of times in the whole show. Lin Shu's drive is that his father's ARMY was killed, tens of thousands of men. That's the weight on Lin Shu's shoulders: the death of all these innocent men because they were in the way. The Chiyan Case; the Chiyan Massacre. The denouement of Lin Shu's victory (not to give too many spoilers) is not just his father's name being cleared of a treason charge. It's when there's finally a memorial put up for the Chiyan Army, with memorial tablets that he can publicly visit to pay respects.

Why does this make it a better revenge story with identity porn? A couple reasons. First, Lin Shu is very much the center of the story and has very personal beef, but he treats himself like a tool and his objective isn't about himself or familial connections (they're part of it but they're not everything). He doesn't even know all the people he's avenging. That's fine; he'll still carry that weight. I just think it's neat.

Second, the fact that the Lin family (and the whole Chiyan Army) were really just collateral damage for getting rid of Prince Qi really emphasizes just how careless the current regime is of the value of human life.

Third, as Meng Zhi says when Lin Shu comes to the capital, everyone at court is busy with their own little power struggles and no one has time to care about Lin Shu or protect him. Lin Shu's like yeah that's fine :) I'm not anyone's focus anymore and the Lin family has been swept under the rug like we never existed :) and no one even talks about the Chiyan case anymore for fear of being accuse of treason :) that's all okay because I'm about TO MAKE THIS EVERYONE'S PROBLEM ANYWAY and honestly the fact that everyone's trying their hardest to forget will just make them more oblivious when I come to fuck them up.

3. All Of This is Whose Fault, Again?

That's right, folks, we're in a show that knows that when shit goes down at court and your family gets framed for treason and the emperor orders them executed, sure, you can blame the conspirators who framed them all you want, but also, YOU KIND OF DO HAVE TO BLAME THE EMPEROR.

People have said enough about how great this is on a thematic level of accountability but seriously I've seen so many shows dodge this. ~It's not the emperor's fault bc he was misled by these conspirators~ or ~the emperor is only a puppet emperor, if he actually had power instead of this evil person, he would put everything right.~ Or, if they dare to blame the emperor, maybe he's just an evil emperor and was bad all along. NIF says yeah, he was lied to on many levels. There was a whole complicated conspiracy going on and many people to blame. But he could have taken things slower. He could have required better evidence. He could have trusted people who had supported him for many years, at least enough to listen to their side of the story BEFORE KILLING THEM. And why didn't he? It's not because he's an idiot. It's because he's an emperor, and emperors don't like seeing other people gain enough power to even potentially become a threat. It's because he wasn't looking for the truth, he was looking for an excuse to kill. And he's not unusually evil for that; this kind of callousness towards murder and grasping for power at all costs is more the norm at court than any kind of honor or morality.

The Emperor's a nice guy sometimes! He used to fly kites with Lin Shu when he was young! His sons give him a headache, but honestly, relatable, they'd give you a headache too! He likes Consort Jing and honestly, who wouldn't! And he killed one of his sons, one of his closest friends, and an entire army, and he would do it again without hesitation. He's not especially evil. Being an emperor is bad enough.

4. Other Bad Guys

It's worth mentioning that Lin Shu's opponents are not stupid.

Xie Yu and Xia Jiang, Prince Yu and the Crown Prince, even the Empress and Noble Consort Yue: They aren't all geniuses, but they aren't idiots flailing around in spite. They're pretty smart, and if Lin Shu wants to take them down, he has to be smarter.

It's also worth mentioning that this is not one of those shows where the protagonist happens to take down his opponents mostly by standing still and just defending himself when they lash out at him. This seems like an obvious thing in a revenge drama, but the number of times I've seen the opposite, the protagonist swearing revenge and then just struggling with self preservation.... but no. Lin Shu has A Plan. He is going to be proactive and actually take his enemies down. Admittedly he will do this by revealing their past misdeeds but this isn't a case of "the misdeeds will just happen to pop up". This is a case of "I will actively unearth skeletons from where you threw them in a well in an abandoned manor".

TO SUM UP

Without going into the things that make Nirvana in Fire a great show in general (great acting, good pacing and plotting, good costuming, and so on and so forth) I think the main things that make it hit for me as a revenge story with identity porn are 1) letting the MC's past identity be that of a grown man who actually had a life (more connections to the past, but also more to lose and more danger in the present as a result), 2) the fact that the offense that the MC is avenging wasn't even like a personal thing to the offenders (bc! it's fucking infuriating!), 3) the fact that the drama is willing to face the root of the problem (the problem is both corruption at court and the fact that the highest arbiter is flawed, not just individual conspirators), 4) the supply of multiple good antagonists, and 5) LETTING THE MC ACTUALLY, ACTIVELY PURSUE REVENGE AND THAT'S THE MAIN PLOT AND WE AREN'T SPENDING MOST OF OUR SCREENTIME ON SIDEPLOTS AND ROMANCE OR MERE SELF PRESERVATION. These may not seem like large things but my friends, you would be surprised how many revenge dramas I've watched at this point that can't do them.

ok I'm done ranting. Feel like most of this is actually stating the obvious but I'm just in a mood and had to get it out. (...also possibly I've been let down by some revenge dramas lately but I won't get into it. it's okay. we can't all be Nirvana in Fire; only Nirvana in Fire can be Nirvana in Fire.)

#nirvana in fire #just some ramblings really

[queenie-ofthe-void]

pre-S4 Robin and Max || wc: ~1.6k || rating: teen || cws: depression, brief mentions of bullying and child neglect

~~~

Robin drops her lunch tray onto the table, falling into the seat with purpose. The young girl across from her startles at the movement. Pulling her headphones down slightly, Max raises her eyebrow in question, clearly annoyed at the unwelcomed company. Robin mimics the look in an overly dramatic way, and takes a large bite of her instant mashed potatoes. 

When Max only rolls her eyes and goes back to her homework– headphones off– Robin considers it a win. The girl’s been pulling away since Starcourt, drawing into herself in a way that’s putting everyone on edge, and the Party is at a loss for what to do. 

The beginning of freshman year was tough on all of the kids, but especially Max. Robin would eye her from across the lunchroom, seated at the opposite end of the table from the loud, brash, super super senior along with the rest of the Party and Hellfire boys. The poor girl would startle anytime Munson laughed too harshly and flinched at the loud bang of his fists on the table, shrinking into herself during his tabletop tirades. 

Needless to say, sitting with the Hellfire boys didn’t last long. Max’s patience for Eddie thinned even further after settling into the trailer across from him, complaining about music keeping her up at all hours of the night– the same electric guitar riffs over and over again. And she’d made more than one off-hand sarcastic remark about Munson’s late night customers causing the dog to howl at all hours of the night.

Robin looks towards the Hellfire table now. Sure enough, Eddie’s flailing his arms around in what is most likely a lecture on The Man. Dustin’s wide eyes and Mike’s entranced smile tell her they’re fully proselytized to the Munson Doctrine now, after a full five months of brain washing. Hopeless, the both of them. She has no idea what they see in the town drug dealer beyond D&D. Mike didn’t even like rock music before he joined Hellfire. Now he’s subconsciously crushing so hard on their fearless leader that he’s starting to dress like him. 

She supposes she’d be a bit of a hypocrite to judge him too harshly though. She only joined the pep band to see Vickie after school.

Cutting off her own dating anxieties, she focuses back on Max. The young girl is more relaxed than when Robin first sat down. She’s hunched over an old copy of Romeo and Juliet. Not one of Robin’s personal favorites, and she’d guess not one of Max’s either if her frustrated huff means anything. Why it’s required reading for freshmen she’ll never understand. But speaking of Romeo…

She looks around again, and her eyes lock on to Lucas’s. He’s staring directly at her with a desperate look in his eye that Robin tries to acquiesce with a tight smile. Another boy in a letterman jacket is trying to get his attention, but he’s shrugged off as Lucas moves to stand. 

Panicked, Robin checks to see that Max hasn’t noticed and shakes her head. A silent plea to not ruin the small ground she’s gained-- the first ground anyone has gained with Max in weeks. Hurt flashes across his face, but he sits down. Robin nods, hopefully telegraphing her thoughts. She can tell he's not happy about it, but he settles back into the conversation with his teammates.

Max dumped him just before Halloween and just shortly after she quit sitting with the Hellfire boys. Lucas had tried sitting with her instead, but the older boys stomped their proverbial toddler feet, arguing that he was already splitting too much of his time between D&D and basketball practice. They couldn’t believe he then had the audacity to spend even less time with them just to hang with some girl.

Needless to say Mike and Dustin had been less than supportive, caving to the peer pressure from the older members and Robin knows it’s one of the reasons why Lucas eventually ended up sitting with his teammates.

Then her mom started pulling doubles during the holidays and Max did her best to hole up in the trailer, refusing to come out no matter how much caroling the boys tried. Robin understands why Max wouldn’t want to go to the Party’s holiday gatherings. The boys were the core unit of the group, backed up by the Wheeler and Byers families. But the Byers’ left and took her best friend with them, the boys were fighting, and they weren’t even sure if Lucas would show up if Max wasn’t there. Robin was one of the few people involved in the Upside-Down bullshit who understood what isolation from the core group felt like, so why not try to include Max in their own tiny group of three.

A few days later, on the coldest day of break, Robin sat in the passenger seat with her fingers smashed up against the beemer’s heat vent and watched out the window as Max opened the door for the only person she was still talking to. The girl put up an argument, but no one can out-bitch The King himself. She let him in and they stepped out a few minutes later, a bag slung over her shoulder and a small dog in her arms. He never complained, even when the house smelled like wet dog for a week later.

Now it’s almost March, and it’s been weeks since she’s talked to anyone. She’s been sitting alone everyday, not answering the phone. So maybe it's Robin's turn to try talking with her, girl to girl.

“I know what you’re doing here,” Max states, hiding her hesitancy under a false bravado, the casual air of her tone undercut by her shifting gaze. “You can tell him to stop worrying, I’m fine.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Random Girl,” Robin answers with an innocent wave of her hand.

Max’s deadpanned stare says she’s not buying it. The nickname all but confirms her motives. 

That’s fine, Robin just needs a foot in the door and now that Max has opened said door, it’s like the dam between Robin's brain and mouth has burst. 

“I was just sitting here eating my lunch and minding my own business, when you decided to say something. And honestly, I think that’s pretty good for me considering I’ve been sitting here for almost twenty minutes in complete silence, which– you know– is not really my forte. Normally I like when people talk to me, it’s how conversations are supposed to work, ya know? But when it’s just me I can’t seem to stop and I’ll, like, keep going and going until it gets awkward.”

She can’t stop rambling and oh god she’s going to ruin this, she’s sure of it. Max let her sit here and now she’s going to ruin this for Lucas and the boys and–

“Just,” Max interrupts. Robin takes a deep breath, in and out. Calming herself down and keeping her mouth shut. “You can sit here, alright. But don’t, like, expect anything from me. You’re not going to get me to open up, or some shit– don’t even say language right now Robin I swear– so that you can report back on how I’m doing. Because I’m fine. Really.”

“Why would I report back to Lucas how you’re doing–” Robin starts. But Max interrupts again.

“You know that’s not who I’m talking about,” Max says quietly. Her eyes are turned downward, avoiding eye contact now that the fire’s burned out.

“Max,” Robin tries again, yet doesn’t know what to say. Anything she says will either be a lie, or so genuinely truthful Max might withdraw again. 

“Max, I just want to sit here. Ok? I promise I won’t jump in the beemer after school and spill all your secrets. We don’t even have to talk if you don’t want to! I’ll just sit over here and do homework, while you sit over there and do homework. Because Nancy’s busy with the newspaper now and maybe I can help you with Spanish and just--,” but she stops. She has to be honest. Or at least try without it being too much.

Max is looking at her. Watching intently, searching for something Robin can’t figure out.

She sighs, exhausted but unwilling to give up.

“He’s worried about you. Of course he is. That’s, like, Steve’s whole entire personality.” It gets the small smile out of Max that she was trying for. “But I’m sitting here because I want to, not because he told me to or so I could, I don’t know, gather information for him. Talk to me or not, but I’m sitting here for lunch from now on.”

Max eyes Robin, and must find whatever she was looking for. 

The bell rings, and they both move to pack up their books. “If you’re sitting here,” Max says “then you’re going to have to listen to me gush about Kate Bush.”

Like that’s a deterrent. Hell, it’s an incentive.

“Fine,” Robin makes a show of it, whining and rolling her eyes. “Then you’re going to have to get over it and listen to me bitch about Steve being a dingus and a total loser when it comes to picking up girls at work. I spend too much time with him to not get it off my chest.”

“Totally understandable,” Max says, a huff of laughter escaping behind her restrained smile. “See you tomorrow then.”

Robin turns, bouncing lightly on her feet to her next class after a successful mission. Steve might not have asked her to do this, but she’s doing it for him regardless. For both Steve and Max. 

She can’t wait to tell him all about it.

~~~

@devondespresso thanks for the WIP ask! I've actually been sitting on this for a while, so you gave me a good kick in the ass to finally finish up edits and post. 💜💜💜

#steve and max is still my favorite thing #i'll write it until i personally fix the Duffer's mistakes #no one can kill my obsession with Steve and Max #also please don't read the end as Robin breaking Max's trust. Stobin practically share a brain #and if someone is struggling like Max they need all the help they can get even if they feel they don't deserve it #max mayfield fic #robin buckley fic #max and robin #platonic stobin #implied steve and max have a sibling relationship #the party #stranger things #stranger things fic #stranger things s4 #stranger things ficlet #lumax #the hellfire club #QueenieWritesStories

[transmascutena]

Okay a bit related the awful discourse happening right now I would like to say that interpreting Anthy as thousands of years old is just... okay I wouldn't say it's impossible but it feels like such a strange thing to be so ubiquitous in the fandom as opposed to a niche interpretation. Anthy is Utena's age when Utena first meets her. I've never seen a reason for why she's Utena's age in one flashback but is somehow eternally 14. Anthy and Dios's flashback is probably the main reason this reading exists at all, but I think it's safe to say this scene doesn't tie itself to any specific time period and is also not completely literal? I think timeline of the series is actually extremely condensed compared to most peoples interpretations when you consider that Tokiko (who got to age and is still alive at the time of the main plot) and Mikage worked on the perpetual motion machine which plays a huge part in the duels.

Am I making sense?? Does this cohere?? I just hate how gross Anthy is able treated by some fans while they defend it with an incomplete headcanon that doesnt even suit the series very well. My main problem with the reading isnt even the timeline, its that it does Anthy a wild disservice! Shes a child! Shes not an immortal being whos existed for centuries, shes 14! Akio isnt either, for that matter. Propping him up as an all powerful god of patriarchy actively works against the series' conclusions about him as a pathetic manchild who can only have power when its as a figurehead chairman. Thanks for listening to me ramble a bit!!

thank you! just saw this take too and it's one of my most hated interpretations of the show. "anthy is a 1000 year old in the body of a child" as a literal take (as opposed to like. she feels that way because of the nature of her abuse) is so . bad. always used to justify hating her for some shit that is very easily explained by the fact that she is a child. or to say that her and akio's age gap doesn't mean anything. or to say that there is a weird age gap between her and utena when, like you said, they've been the same age in every scene they're in together, including back when they're children. taking the flashback with dios and anthy completely literally as taking place hundreds of years ago, while simultaneously arguing that all of akio's current abuse is strictly metaphorical is just. an incredibly stupid way to read the show.

#like isn't that what they were saying. “i'm talking about the metaphorical read of ep33” “anthy is literally thousands of years old” #how do you come to this conclusion. other than the obvious of hating csa victims lol #asks #m

[thevelaryons]

As parents of queer children, Alyssa and Corlys have rather different approaches to how they handle their children’s sexualities. They’re sensible enough to know that being gay in their society isn’t socially acceptable; though it’s not openly condemned either. But, because of their circumstances, they would hold private misgivings: Alyssa needing her family to conform to societal norms in order to ensure stability for the realm and Corlys wanting heirs of his own blood and feeling frustrated at the lack of.

Alyssa’s daughter, Rhaena, has her share of female companions. I don’t think Alyssa could have anticipated that Rhaena would develop affectionate feelings for other girls. But once it happens, Alyssa, who had previously tried to have her daughter form close bonds with girls now tries to distance them from each other. Of course, she doesn’t isolate Rhaena completely because her daughter is still a princess and therefore, she needs her ladies about her. So instead, Alyssa ensures that if she sees Rhaena getting too close with any girl, she switches them out. Rhaena does not like all the companions her mother provides her but the ones she does like are also the ones that are taken away from her. It’s probably for this reason that Rhaena’s girlfriends are often described as former favourites because they were not allowed to remain by her side for long once they reached the favourite status. As the Queen, Alyssa has complete authority to dismiss any of her daughters’ companions as she sees fit.

Though her mother provided her with a succession of suitable companions, the daughters of lords great and small, Rhaena never seemed to warm to any of them, preferring the company of a book.

[…]

Not long after, Rhaena made her first true friend in the person of her cousin Larissa Velaryon. For a time the two girls were inseparable…until Larissa was suddenly recalled to Driftmark to be wed to the second son of the Evenstar of Tarth. The young are nothing if not resilient, however, and the princess soon found a new companion in the Hand’s daughter, Samantha Stokeworth.

— Fire & Blood, The Sons of the Dragon

It’s the same thing Alyssa later does with her younger daughter, Alysanne. The reason here being the reputation of the family. That is what drives Alyssa’s actions. She is often shown to be a person that does care about public perception.

Alysanne did not choose these companions for herself; they were selected for her by her mother, Queen Alyssa, and they came and went with some frequency, to ascertain that the princess did not grow too fond of any of them. Her sister Rhaena’s penchant for showering an unseemly amount of affection and attention on a succession of favorites, some of whom were considered less than suitable, had been the source of much whispering at court, and the queen did not want Alysanne to be the subject of similar rumors.

— Fire & Blood, A Surfeit of Rulers

Though there are times when Alyssa does allow Rhaena some leniency to spend time with her favourite companions, those moments are very rare. For the most part, Alyssa’s priorities tend to be about the realm.

The princess had been most loath to be parted from her dragon, Dreamfyre, and her latest favorite, Melony Piper, a red-haired maiden from the riverlands. It was only when her mother, Queen Alyssa, sent for Lady Melony to join them on the progress that Rhaena finally put aside her sullenness to join the celebrations.

— Fire & Blood, The Sons of the Dragon

Rhaena was described as being a shy child. Though she did grow out of her shyness, she still had a quiet nature. I think for someone like her, to have even the smallest hint of her identity denied by her parent would feel rather suffocating. Alyssa is the type of person who always looks at the bigger picture but it makes her miss smaller details in the process. She’s too focused on organizing the kingdom/preserving the peace/guiding the King. She’s said to be concerned about rumours that may follow her daughter because of the closeness she shares with other girls so from her perspective, she’s acting to protect her daughter. I doubt she would even realize how Rhaena could feel hurt and isolated by her actions (and Rhaena does voice that she feels pushed away by her own family).

I’d say all this is part of the reason why Rhaena so thoroughly excludes her mother from the new life she attempts to build for herself, with her old favourites by her side. It is either Rhaena seeking out her companions or her companions seeking her out, but it always happens away from Alyssa.

Two of Rhaena’s former favorites, Samantha Stokeworth and Alayne Royce, made their way to Fair Isle in some haste to stand with the widowed queen, together with the groom’s high-spirited sister, the Lady Elissa. The remainder of the guests were bannermen and household knights sworn to either House Farman or House Lannister. King and court remained entirely ignorant of the marriage until a raven from the Rock brought word, days after the wedding feast and the bedding that sealed the match.

[…]

Chroniclers in King’s Landing report that Queen Alyssa was deeply offended by her exclusion from her daughter’s wedding, and that relations between mother and child were never as warm afterward.

— Fire & Blood, The Year of the Three Brides

By the end of Alyssa’s life, she and Rhaena are essentially estranged from each other. Alyssa’s concerns are understandable. With the Targaryen dynasty still young, she would feel that they have to make sure to conform as much as possible with the social norms. The wars against the Faith Militant and Maegor further push her to become more concerned with the family’s discipline. But this does cost her a relationship with her daughter.

Skip forward a few generations and the dynamic between parent and child is different now.

Corlys’ son, Laenor, is said to surround himself in the company of other boys. Since house Velaryon was isolated on Driftmark for many years, after distancing themselves from the royal court, this could have actually helped create a feeling of being free from societal constraints. Laenor’s male companions are considered a steady fixture at his side over the years. He’s allowed such complete freedom in his relationships that his sexuality is basically an open secret, unlike with Rhaena, where it was hushed whispers barely spoken of.

One objection was raised: Laenor Velaryon was now nineteen years of age, yet had never shown any interest in women. Instead he surrounded himself with handsome squires of his own age, and was said to prefer their company. But Grand Maester Mellos dismissed this concern out of hand. “What of it?” he said. “I do not like the taste of fish, but when fish is served, I eat it.”

[…]

The princess knew much and more about Laenor Velaryon, and had no wish to be his bride. “My half-brothers would be more to his taste,” she told the king.

— Fire & Blood, Heirs of the Dragon

Laenor’s easygoing manner at his wedding suggests a level of comfort. He openly gives his favor to another man as if he is not used to hiding himself.

When Rhaenyra bestowed her garter on Ser Harwin, her new husband laughed and gave one of his own to Ser Joffrey.

— Fire & Blood, Heirs of the Dragon

Despite the fact that his wedding turned into a disaster, Laenor’s life does not change too badly.

He is allowed to openly grieve his lover, Joffrey, and he is allowed to return back home to High Tide, rather than conform to a marriage that would give him misery.

Borne bloody from the field, Ser Joffrey died without recovering consciousness six days later. Mushroom tells us that Ser Laenor spent every hour of those days at his bedside and wept bitterly when the Stranger claimed him.

[…]

Ser Laenor returned to Driftmark thereafter, leaving many to wonder if his marriage had ever been consummated. The princess remained at court, surrounded by her friends and admirers.

[…]

Ser Laenor preferred the comforts of High Tide, where he soon found a new favorite in a household knight named Ser Qarl Correy.

— Fire & Blood, Heirs of the Dragon

Qarl is a knight directly under Corlys’ service. As such, if Corlys wanted to, he could have him removed from his household for daring to be in a relationship with his son. Instead, he allows the relationship to persist for many years.

Although Corlys may be frustrated that things aren’t going according to plan, he clearly cares about Laenor’s happiness first and foremost, even if it interferes with any ambitions of his own. But sometimes, Corlys does let his plans interfere with Laenor’s happiness. When Laenor states his intentions to name his sons, Corlys denies him (perhaps the first time he’s ever done so) and has the child named like a Velaryon: Jacaerys. He continues to deny Laenor for the second son too by giving the boy another Velaryon name: Lucerys. But by the time the third son is born, Corlys finally relents to Laenor’s wishes.

Laenor’s wish to name the child Joffrey was overruled by his father, Lord Corlys. Instead the child was given a traditional Velaryon name: Jacaerys.

[…]

Ser Laenor was at last permitted to name a child after his fallen friend, Ser Joffrey Lonmouth.

— Fire & Blood, Heirs of the Dragon

Btw, it’s not Rhaenyra giving the permission here but Corlys. The text makes it rather obvious when she’s finally allowed the right to name her own child and it’s certainly not when it comes to the elder three boys (that’s just a Corlys vs Rhaenyra issue though). I think a lot of people miss this key detail that even naming a child can be a power play among the nobility. Corlys has his own reasons for what he does when it comes to any of his grandsons, but the main reason he would be okay with letting them be his grandsons is surely because Laenor called them sons first. There’s a certain level of indulgence present in the relationship between Corlys and Laenor.

Concerning Laenor’s sexuality, Corlys’ problem appears to be that Laenor does not do his duty to sire actual sons of his body. If Laenor did his duty, then I do not think Corlys would care if Laenor started having relationships with a dozen or a hundred different men. But it’s a frustration that Corlys does eventually come to terms with. He allowed Laenor a freedom of identity and so it’s Laenor who chooses to remain comfortably by Corlys’ side.

#valyrianscrolls #asoiaf #alyssa velaryon #queen rhaena targaryen #corlys velaryon #laenor velaryon #alyssa & rhaena #corlys & laenor #meta #grrm wrote in a lot of queer themes for several different generations of velaryons #love that for me 🤭

[christian-oc-tournament]

Please vote based on the picture AND the description!

Shiido [Naru and Shiido @kazeharuhime]

Shiido, an everyman Shiidian, is displaced in an invasion as a child and ends up in the hands of a planetary destroyer, along with several other children. Years later, he must grapple with the fact that he and the others were complicit in the mass murder of population after population, unable to stop their adoptive father's mass exterminations for fear of encountering the same fate as those he was cleansing the universe of. Worse yet, Shiido is the only one that finds his adoptive father's actions to be a problem. As Shiido's circumstances shift, he has more time to consider the difference between him and those that surround him. Why is he compelled by moral standards while others he knows abase themselves? He must wrestle with the contradictory morality he was brought up with and find the truth amidst a swirling sea of lies. And in the meantime he finds himself split between two choices: join the others in their abasement, or stay true and alone.

Skylar [Keepers @masterfuldoodler]

Skylar is from Sweden fairy-tales and is an upbeat kid with wind magic and the ability to instantaneously regenerate, and he's taking it a bit too far but he's saving the universe so he's got his reasons. He's willing to pick a fight (a dual) with anyone who's causing trouble and at the end of the will eat everything and anything. His current favorite shampoo flavor is ocean breeze.

#christian oc tournament #round 1 #group 7 right side

[2aceofspades]

Me to Two:

Gaw hopefully they make up, yeah...

Fingers crossed 🤞🤞

Perfect opportunity for a lil Acey ramble sesh tho~

Spoilers for anyone who hasn't read EMD! Also this is gonna be long cuz I like to ramble sometimes. All of this is just me rambling my own thoughts and perspectives (:

_______________________________________________

In all honesty, I know I'm personally expecting there to be a lot of unresolved tension between the both of them if they get an opportunity to talk. I mean, I doubt their childhood was filled with apologies and making up and such. Their childhood must have been filled with them being pitted against one another in some ways. Their strengths have been both used and somewhat strained by Draxum to benefit the mission he placed on them. This has probably negatively affected their egos quite a bit, thus exacerbating that brutal sibling rivalry.

From the start, One hasn't been all too kind or honest with Two either. Although, it could be argued that Two's betrayal just stings more because One had spent every little mission making sure Two stayed safe, one way or another. That much is seen through One's internal monologue throughout the story. Two's betrayal also definitely hits more to One's autonomy, which is its own can of worms, of course.

But One also spent his time jeopardizing Draxum's orders for One's own personal goal of taking out Raph and Mikey...thus jeopardizing his and Two's success with their given mission. This must have been a pretty heavy blow to Two, who chose to do and not to do things for One because Two was under the impression that their mission was their sole focus. Thus, their perspectives play a big role in both sides of this broken trust and strain in their relationship as experimental child soldiers and brothers (in arms).

So, maybe Two had a similar perspective and goal. And I think this has been discussed that, on the surface, Two did what he did for the sake of the mission. In his eyes, his betrayal was justified and almost necessary for success. One was threatening their sole mission because of One's personal fears. So, in Two's eyes, shutting down One would thus secure their success. Right? Cuz, at the end of the day, isn't that what they're both going after? Success? It looks different for the two of them, but Two is following orders and One is taking out the experiments that he perceives as threats in order to secure his and Two's ranks in Draxum's command. They're both trying to succeed, both in the things they choose to do and not to do.

Additionally, maybe Two didn't expect One to take it so personally. Both of them were hurt by one another, betrayed by each other. I don't think it was ever one-sided. Cuz how could it be? One was trying to protect Two, but I think the same can be said for Two. He isn't the total bad guy. Their perceptions of each other and of themselves are skewed, off...and it makes sense. That's a major reason why I love this story so much. At least, for me, it's relatable in that way. Because when someone who raises you and is supposedly trying to protect you does things out of fear instead of love, your perception is off. Maybe it looks like love, but it doesn't feel like it.

For both One and Two, they do things out of fear. They were raised to be useful tools; that's how they're perceived by Draxum. Their strengths are useful, even their fear is useful at times. The things they can do are useful and they can be replaced if they are not 'good' tools. So, when something or someone threatens that perception, they do things out of fear of being useless, unsuccessful. It's difficult to not see yourself or others in that same way. That has been very relatable for me, in all honesty. And it's a repeating theme for both One and Two AND Draxum in the story, which makes sense.

Does all of this make what Two did okay? No. It just puts a possible explanation to why he did what he did.

Small circle back, One and Two would both need to take responsibility for the things they did and failed to do and rebuild their trust. Will that happen? I don't know, but I hope so :)

I love thinking up the possible timeline between them though. Both of them have certainly said and done some rather hurtful things to each other. Is that going to be acknowledged by either one or both of them? Mm...I dunno. I hope so, but they'd only really have that modeled from Raph and Mikey. It would be AMAZING if they have that finally modeled by Draxum though. I think that would open a door for all three of them that could introduce some real, nice healing. Will that happen? Again, I don't know, but damn do I hope so.

All in all, I am hopeful for both One and Two. They deserve to just be themselves, not just used as helpful tools, ya know? That's my two cents tho (:

#ace answers #acey rambles #acey doodles #yeesh that was a lot #oopsies #hehe well if anyone actually read this then...Thank you for listening <3 #this is just all my personal perspective #so..not accurate but just my own thoughts and opinions that i keep in the back of my mind when i'm reading EMD #yee #:)

[borschtwife]

"Russian transsexuals received support and publicity from some sections of the nation’s gay rights movement. In 1992, the Moscow Union of Lesbian and Gay Men submitted the identity documents of transsexuals to the Ministry of Justice for consideration of changing their names and legal gender markers. In the same year, the queer journal 1/10 published two articles detailing the stories of two transfeminine individuals. One issue featured a cover proclaiming 'We have lesbians in the USSR and transes too!' Inside, 23-year-old bookkeeper Margarita Mankevich told her story. Rita identified as a true transsexual, stating 'I’ve been a woman for as long as I can remember.' She realized how abnormal this was at 16 years old and faced such tremendous bullying that she attempted suicide. She listed the Communists and the Orthodox Church as the two groups that were the most hateful to her. To earn enough hard currency to pay for a sex reassignment surgery, she moved to Moscow and began working as a prostitute for foreign clients despite finding sex 'in a man’s body' humiliating. People around Rita falsely assumed that she was a homosexual man. She quickly earned enough money to buy a fake passport with the correct name and gender listed and began modeling and acting for pornographic productions in Austria and Finland. Surgery, however, was much more expensive than a passport, especially because she intended to undergo surgery in Western Europe since she knew half a dozen individuals who received sexual reassignment in Moscow, and none were satisfied with the results. She concluded by listing her mailing address for other transsexuals who might want information on their own condition to contact her and tells those reading to not feel ashamed for being transsexual. An article by Tomas Radek in a separate issue told another side of the trans story. Radek began by explaining that trans is an umbrella term that can be applied to both transsexuals and transvestites. Radek’s friend Nikolas started wearing women’s underwear as a child and eventually began to dress in women’s clothing. Nikolas lived a complicated life; he kept his hair short despite his clothing, used male pronouns but referred to his sex life as lesbian, and explained that when he had sex with women, he 'played the role of a woman.' He sought the advice of a sexologist on his condition, who reacted with confusion but told him he could continue living in this manner. Nikolas had a wife and was not seeking to change his legal identity, so he appeared as a normal, heterosexual male, despite how he might happen to have sex or dress himself. Nikolas remained feeling isolated, and the article concluded with his mailing address and a plea for readers who are like him to write to him.

Opposition to the identities and desires of trans people also existed within the gay movement, primarily due to the hostility of the Russian feminist movement toward them. Olga Liposkaia, chairwoman of the Saint Petersburg Center for Gender Issues, dismissed female to male transsexuals since 'they have women’s bodies, so how can they be men? Of course they are women.' Zhuk’s short-lived queer journal Gei slaviane published an article about a young lesbian whose family sent her to a sexologist to see if she could qualify for a sex change, reasoning that if she could transition to male then she could live a normal heterosexual life, regardless of her protests. This article was held up as proof of the intent of medical authorities to cure lesbians through transsexual surgery, despite representing only a single case. The anti-AIDS publication SPID info also joined the criticism of transsexualism. In 1993, they featured an article by Aron Belkin decrying the entire enterprise of sexual reassignment as pointless. Belkin was a pioneer in the field of trans healthcare in the USSR, and for a long time only he was the only specialist who issued permits to transsexuals for surgical correction of gender. Despite this, he had little regard for his patients whom he viewed as psychologically diseased. By this time he had grown tired of treating such individuals, and in this article he relayed the story of a male ballet dancer who got a sex reassignment and then, despite becoming a prima ballerina in a music hall and getting married, she remained miserable. Her husband did not know that she was transsexual. She could not have children and because she could not tell her husband why this was so, she felt like a liar and began contemplating suicide. Belkin argued that doctors should not help patients change their sex because all such changes were merely superficial. He added that the increasing number of mentions of transsexuality in Russian media were making more men wish to become transsexual, especially since these articles declined to report the tragic outcomes of transsexualism. He concluded with a mention of what he understood as the extreme tragedy of a patient who became a woman and then fell in love with another woman, now forced to live the life of a queer. In Belkin’s view, the purpose of transsexualism was to help make the queer straight, so a patient who ended up as a queer woman was unacceptable."

A section from my dissertation on Russian queers in the 1990s