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journeytoasoberlife · 11 months

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Day 5.

Today I've had many thoughts around my emotional stability and when I'll be able to see it plateau. Having a cluster b personality disorder will blur those lines, but that's something I've come to recognize. I'm unsure of the sober side of that, making it uncharted territory for me, which is harder to navigate.

I woke up this morning and continued doing laundry, I filed my weekly unemployment, applied for more jobs and tried to keep busy. I had to remind myself that I'm not a failure with this, the last two jobs I've had I was treated very poorly and got the shit end of the stick in the worst way. Where I normally filled my morning with mimosas or a seltzer, I'm drinking more coffee, which should be water but whatever. I am using nicotine to fill those gaps, which I'm currently fine with.

I hung out with my friend Alex today, she's 8 months sober. Before her sobriety we would drink the entire time we were together. It was a nice change of pace and I'm so proud of her journey. I too will be there one day. We got pizza and I learned that I am not a fan of basil in mocktails, I mean seriously, who thought of that?

My hiking boots will be here tomorrow and I'll spend some of my day breaking them in. I'm also meeting with another friend that I've recently reconnected with.

It's currently 11:52 pm and I know I won't be able to sleep for a while. Not going to bed high or tipsy is something I'm still struggling with. During the peak of my alcoholism I wasn't really sleeping, though that also was work related. I would maybe get 3-4 hours if I was lucky, waking up every ~2 hours almost like clockwork.

My emotions took a shit on me tonight, too. By that time I would've easily been on my 3-4 cider and would either be ignoring my emotions or in a full blown breakdown. I think writing these every night gives me the outlet I didn't know I needed or willingly ignored if I'm being honest.

I've been trying to eat more regularly but I haven't been putting as much energy into it as I should. T and I would get breakfast every morning and that was a nice shift for me. I know I won't be able to go to one of my favorite spots for a bit because I always drank there, but I do make good breakfast when I put some effort in. I really need to go shopping but I keep ignoring it. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow. I'll also have to get another Elf Bar, the one I bought while T and I were out is killer on my throat and I know my good one will go bad soon, my novo could work if it dies and but that doesn't have nearly enough nicotine in it.

Things are adding up and I'm nervous about the weeks ahead. Will is coming home soon and my life will shift again, and I'm unsure how I'll be able to navigate that as well. He drinks a lot and while he was more than supportive, I'm worried about it.

I keep having to remind myself that I pulled out of this once before, and that was way worse than this time around. I spent the better half of 2019 drunk in a bar alone, waking up the next morning wondering how I was even able to drive home. That was the 5 year anniversary of my moms death and I couldn't shake it. I was living alone, having broken up with my partner, spiraling and wanting to die. I don't want to be in that place again, ever.

I'm worried that people will find me to be a liability, and in turn won't want to be in my life. Maybe I shouldn't be worried about something like that but there's people I never want to lose, even if the road gets rocky. I'm trying to be enough for myself, which I've never attempted before and quite frankly, I'm scared. I always made the joke that I was rawdogging life because I'm not medicated for my depression and anxiety, but now I'm really doing it and that's scary too.

I'm hoping for an easier day tomorrow. Hopefully I can find it.

Anyway, goodnight tumblr.

#sober journey #sober thoughts #personal

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equestrianwritingsstuff · 3 years

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In recognition of 200 followers.....

I composed a list of 200 hero x villain dialogue prompts for you guys to ask me or reblog it and ask your own followers or if you take inspiration.

Thank you so much! It means a whole lot!

1. "I wish I had longer to love you."

2. "Sometimes being the greatest is being the worse."

3. "I will kill you if you die on me."

4. "Bury me... under a willow tree... with tulips and lilies to blossom in the spring and a small stream to keep me company."

5. "Villains aren't capable of love; yet, here I am crying over your grave."

6. "The kitten's name is Max."

7. "I'm going to get a beer."

8. "There is only one way to kill me, but you could never muster the strength to pull through."

9. "I'm dizzy with love for you."

10. "Hero, you are drunk not a toddler."

11. "I pledge to serve you willingly, butthead."

12. "Ride the waves with me." "You are a mermaid, no thanks."

13. "Stay awake for me; it's only a little farther."

14. "I can't carry you!"

15. "He isn't much, but we'll make do."

16. "I WANT TO SEE HER! LET ME SEE HER PLEASE. Please..."

17. "George Washington never told a fib, and I am greater than him, so trust me, Hero, when I say I am telling the truth."

18. "Eggs and butter make dough, knives and guns make death."

19. "You are insane."

20. "The bomb is going off in twenty seconds, Hero. Run now. I-I'm going to stop it."

21. "What is love?"

22. "I don't get the function of hugs."

23. "Mentally I'm good, but physically..."

24. "I only wished for happiness from that genie. I guess it was evil."

25. "Break him, shatter him, destroy him."

26. "Sing with me."

27. "Villain you are touch starved, not dying."

28. "What the heck did you do to your hair." "What? You don't like it?" "It looks like my cat's litterbox."

29. "Don't give me hope."

30. "I am not a disease or a parasite. I am a human. I am one of those millions you swore to protect."

31. "Kiss, marry, kill?" "Kill, kill, kill."

32. "You created me."

33. "Villain don't you dare pass out."

34. "I like the look of blood on you, compliments your eyes."

35. "I kinda dropped Hero through space."

36. "Power exhaustion sucks."

37. "Time to save the world. Yay!" *says in sarcasm*

38. "Let me feed you Hero."

39. "You do not have AC?!"

40. "Villain you have a fever."

41. "Am I drunk?"

42. "Movies. Nine o'clock. Don't be late."

43. "Lemme grab a beer and we are good to go."

44. "Don't. Look. At. Me."

45. "He just had his wisdom teeth out sooo." "How bad can it be? Villain has been shot with twenty tranq darts at one and didn't pass out... immediately anyway, took a good twenty minutes." "Well, you see-" "THE KITTEN IS TRYING TO KILL ME!!!!!"

46. "She needs surgery."

47. "It's a panic attack..." "KISS HIM!"

48. "Blood, gore, madness... this was made for me."

49. "Quit drooling on me and sit up."

50. "There's only one bed."

51. "He looks so cute when he sleeps."

52. "Of all the places to live, you had to choose a heavily fortified medieval castle two thousand years in the past?"

53. "You are a peacock Hero."

54. "Let's see who will drown first. You or me. One, two, three... let's go!"

55. "I wasn't always like this."

56. "Madness is for geniuses, not for me."

57. "It's just a sedative that's going to make you nice and docile."

58. "He's out." "Good, let him rest, villainy is hardwork."

59. "I love her, but she doesn't love me."

60. "If I had a choice to save you or me, I'd pick me."

61. "Gag her."

62. "They aren't made for this, give them mercy."

63. "Talk now or she dies."

64. "Broken ribs, broken jaw, broken arm... are you sure you want me to continue." "No." "Then tell me your name."

65. "Get me some thread and a needle. Just don't touch me."

66. "The police are coming."

67. "Tell me where she is. TELL ME WHERE IS SHE OR I WILL SLASH YOUR THROAT AND TOSS YOU IN THE SEWER!!!!!"

68. "I love you." "I don't."

69. "Hug me just one last time."

70. "Villain hey hey hey. Calm down. You've been in a pretty bad accident."

71. "They won't be able to walk again."

72. "Tell me... just tell if they made it."

73. "Can't you just poof me another arm?"

74. "If you saved all of them, you can save me."

75. "I'm really tired..."

76. "Sleep. I will stay with you."

77. "She is sixteen years old." "All musicians start young." "This isn't a concert, this is life. Stop ruining it."

78. "He"s been in an accident." "Where?" "Five minutes away from your place."

79. "I wish he wasn't unconscious, so I could talk to him. So I could thank him."

80. "It's been four months now. I have came everyday and, uh, I dunno what to say. Hero, I need you to wake up. I can't function knowing you are right here."

81. "I have a date." "Hmm with who?" "Supervillain." "When and where honey?"

82. "Shhhhhhh. Be quiet. We are still being hunted."

83. "Desert?" "What are you trying to do? Kill me?"

84. "I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you." "I know, I know dear and I so sorry, but I need you to help me. I need you to help them."

85. "Villain just sleep. Allow the drugs to take you under. Don't fight it, don't resist... just sleep. In the morning, we will be safe."

86. "Being lost in the woods isn't ideal."

87. "An injection of valium will do it."

88. "There's no anesthesia."

89. "Wouldn't it be great if we never met each other?"

90. "Bless you." "I didn't sneeze." "Yeah right. Now go sit down, you're sick."

91. "It's called insomnia you dim-wit."

92. "Join me and we can be great."

93. "You didn't bring me here for the cake." "No, dear, but you are so gullible. I brought you here for a sacrifice." "My life?" "Why yes."

94. "I don't know. I never had someone collapse on my doorstep before."

95. "I have nothing to lose. No family, no friends, just my meaningless life."

96. "That's my daughter, not the villain's... so give me her back before I rip your eyes out."

97. "How long was I out for?!" "Ten minutes, but you were drifting. I don't think you had that good of rest." "Oh, I thought I was asleep for hours."

98. "I know, I know you are going to hate me after this, but trust me when I say it's for the best."

99. "I know everything about you."

100. "I think narcissism is contagious because after watching you for a couple hours, I think I may have developed a little crush on the mirror..."

101. "What did you give me?"

102. "Is she screams, I'm going to scream, and then we are going to die."

103. "No fighting today, my cat just died."

104. "How hard did you punch me?"

105. "Not gonna lie, being delirious was epic."

106. "I am cooking for you. You aren't my servant, so stop thinking it."

107. "My old masters made me into a weapon and called me Villain, but if you desire a lapdog I am going to need to be refurnished to fit your needs."

108. "What is his deal?" "I think he's just crazy."

109. "Love is not what I had in mind when I agreed to go on a date with you."

110. "Hugs are overrated."

111. "Are you too hot or too cold?" "Both."

112. "I wish we could turn back time."

113. "I lost the game." "What do you mean? Hero is dead." "Precisely."

114. "Make a wish." "That you live."

115. "Villain has been acting exceptional! Today we granted them a break from the machine. Go ahead Hero and take him for some ice cream."

116. (Sleepy murmurs) "Don't go. I neeeed you." "Yeah yeah I know Villain."

117. "Villain was the one who hurt me, not Hero."

118. "Supervillain is in danger!"

119. "If everyone is scared of me, I might as well be alone."

120. "My head is killing me."

121. "Don't call an ambulance. Just... hold me."

122. "You don't have to do this. It's going to hurt you more than me." "Anything for you dearest, anything at all."

123. "Hero, go wash your hands before dinner."

124. "You have PTSD?" "I don't know?"

125. "I have soap in my eyes!' "Rinse it out." "Mm no I'm permanently mortally blinded." "Uh huh."

126. "We need to cuddle to keep warm."

127. "Take care of them for me, will you?"

128. "When I'm gone, promise to tell my mother, please."

129. "Drug him and then bring him to me."

130. "Superheroes are for children. In all honesty, we are all villains."

131. "Oh my gosh, Hero, what happened?" "Poisoned."

132. "Wouldn't it be nice?" "I don't fancy prosthetics."

133. "Just shut up and listen!"

134. "There is a memorial parade for Hero tomorrow. They asked you to lead it."

135. "She turned it around... at the end."

136. "I wish that he understood how much I care for him."

137. "Civilian! He fell asleep in my lap last night, like totally zooted. It was so cute, but also very tempting. I stuck a french fry up his nose." "Wow. Did he wake up then?" "Yeah, I am sorta kidnapped right now..."

138. "The book, the sword... all pieces of the puzzle huh." "No, darling, all pieces of my game."

139. "Their death is my fault! Not your's, but mine, so quit trying to make me feel better."

140. "Once upon a time-" "Oh please, not another fairytale."

141. "If only it was that easy."

142. "We are stuck in a maze, how can you be so joyful?"

143. "Celebrate Hero, eat your cake, party into the night... but just know, I will be back."

144. "Call 911!" "Why?" "I stubbed my toe."

145. "Your jawline looks like it was gauzed over in lard." "It looks better than your hay for hair."

146. "You're my best friend." "Villain? Are you on drugs?"

147. "Lay him there and leave him. Let the rats dine on him."

148. "The point of the cow suit?" "Oh, uh, I was at a Halloween parade. You know, for children."

149. "I-i never wanted to hurt you." "I know, I wanted you to, so I allowed it."

150. "Favorite movie?" "Your death." "Ooo never heard of it, let's watch it." "*groans* Oh my gosh, you are stupid."

151. "Being a flutist is my only superpower. And being modest apparently."

152. "Your head will join my collection if yoi don't watch out."

153. "Hey, hey! Wake up, buddy. It's just a nightmare."

154. "Meh head hurts." "Yeah, you hit it pretty hard."

155. "Let's go for a ride." "On that yellow miniature school bus?" "It's a ranger you idiot."

156. "No painkillers, no bandages, perfect environment for infection to settle... I'm just gonna leave you here Villain."

157. "I save you and this is how you repay me? A prison?"

158. "What are you doing?" "Climbing a tree? No Hero, I am breaking into your house to kidnap you."

159. "I formally apologize."

160. "Of all places, Hero, you had to teleport us to a desert. A DESERT."

161. "Supervillain won't stop unless we team up." "I don't think our alliance will stop them, I think it'll just make them angrier."

162. "Stop singing or I will blow this place until even the last atom is broken into itty-bitty molecules!" "That... that is scientifically impossible."

163. "I'm a genius! Yippee!"

164. "Life isn't perfect and nor is your morals."

165. "Control yourself before you kill everyone around you."

166. "Say your goodbyes."

167. "Of all the ways I've died, drowning was by far the nicest."

168. "Love the collar. Is it for fashion purposes?" "Uh, um, uh, er, no?"

169. "You look lonely. Want some hot coco?"

170. "It is negative million out there and you expect me to come in toasty warm after fixing your power?"

171. "Are you sick?" "Yeh." "Come on in then."

172. "Civilian, don't even bother trying to save him."

173. "We have a breach!"

174. "What makes a villain's life less important than your's?"

175. "Enjoy your soup." "You poisoned it." "And you're delusional, eat up."

176. "I hate 99% of the population." "According to a meme I found, you are therefore a cat."

177. "Don't overuse your powers."

178. "This is just an unfortunate event."

179. "You look so cute when you are sleepy and barely conscious."

180. "His fever is rising."

181. "Save her, leave me. I'll-i'll get out of this somehow."

182. "Sometimes self-sacrifice isn't noble, it's selfish."

183. "You are so funny that I need my inhaler to kill you with." "That sentence was so discombobulated that I am leaving."

184. "Just for your information, I hate oranges but love grapes."

185. "Walking down the stairs shouldn't be a momental effort." "You broke both your legs."

186. "You just destroyed my life's work, don't expect me to give you a huge bear hug."

187. "Is it true that you have telekinesis?" "Yes, why?" "Go steal me a donut."

188. "You are so incredibly touch starved, Villain." "Mmm." "Tired? Go ahead and sleep, I'm here."

189. "This is for your own good, I promise."

190. "I'm cold."

191. "I don't want to move and you can't make me."

192. "I AM RETIRED! YOU DON'T NEED TO CONTINUE TO SEND ME PAMPHLETS OF THE HOTTEST HERO OF THE YEAR!"

193. "He's unconscious." "That tired, huh." "No, he passed out from blood loss."

194. "I want a kitten."

195. "I'm no scared of you, so stop acting like I am."

196. "He isn't dangerous, just scared."

197. "They won't be going anywhere for a long, long time."

198. "Hero? Hero? Oh my goodness, please wake up."

199. "Life is too short for pleasures."

200. "I hope you are happy, in the end."

#heros and villains #ask game #200 followers #thank you so much

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sillyrabbit81 · 3 years

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Her Heavy Cross

Summary: Three years after tragedy hits, Lana she decides to start dating again. She meets Will through a dating app and they begin an online romance. After months of constant requests, Lana relents and agrees to meet and go on an irl date with Will. But is Will who he says he is? Lana is quickly pulled into an intense relationship forcing her to confront her tragic past. Will Lana face it or will she close her heart forever?

Pairing: OMC x OFC (Female and Male POV)

Word Count: approx 3.3k

Warnings: swearing, smut,

Authors Note: The story started as a Henry Cavill fanfiction but I changed it to be an original character, but shades of Henry are still there. Hope you enjoy the story and thanks for reading.

Part 19

Part 20 Final Chapter

Liam and I took it easy for the next couple of days. We spent some time with Perrin and Cole, taking them for walks and making sure they were getting along.

We watched Inglourious Basterds in Liam's theatre room, which was amazing. It was like being in an actual movie theatre. The dimmed lights and sound system made the experience great. Liam cooked me dinner. We even played Scrabble a few times. We were pretty evenly matched, so the games were competitive. We worked out. We fucked. We made love.

On Saturday morning, I woke with a sore neck. I prayed it was just a strained muscle from working out but the stress I was under during the week tended to catch up with me on a Saturday. By about 4 pm, the left side of my head started pounding, and my eyes became sensitive to light. Every sound in the house felt like screaming in my ears, and I wanted to throw up. I would have cried if I didn't already know how much worse it would make it my migraine.

I told Liam I had to go to bed. Even though my migraines were terrible, I was lucky I could usually treat them with some codeine and a few hours of sleep. They rarely last more than six hours. Liam was lovely about it. He insisted on helping me get changed for bed, and he even went and got me a cold washcloth for my head. He laid in bed with me until I fell asleep.

I woke up around 11 pm feeling groggy, but the migraine had gone. I got out of bed and went looking for Liam.

I found him asleep on the lounge under a blanket downstairs. It looked like he had planned to sleep there all night. Perrin was curled up on the blanket between Liam's legs, and Cole laid on the floor in front of the couch. Cole looked up when I came in, rubbing himself against my legs like a cat and nudging my hand for a pat. Perrin's ears came up, and his tail wagged but didn't move. Lazy old Dog.

I knelt in the spot Cole had been. Liam looked so much younger asleep, almost like a boy, since he had started shaving. Apparently, his character is clean-shaven a lot of the time, so he will be switching between being shaved and unshaved depending on filming. I didn't want to startle him, so I ran my fingers through his hair until he started to wake. Liam stretched a bit before opening his eyes, and he looked so cute doing so I almost pinched his cheeks. Perrin finally got up, realising his warm spot was compromised.

"Hey, Sweetheart," he said and looking at his watch. "Are you ok? do you need anything?"

I smiled at him and shook my head. "Just you," I said.

Liam smiled one of his full Hollywood smiles. He takes my breath away when he does that. "How's your head?"

"I haven't had any complaints," I said, winking. I think I've watched Drag Race too many times.

Liam chuckled and shook his head at me. "And you certainly won't get any from me." He said, getting up. Kissing my forehead, he said, "I'm glad you're feeling better."

I took his hand and pulled him towards the elevator. Like the gentleman he is, he pretended I was able to pull him.

We get in bed, Liam on his back and me with my head on his chest. He stroked my hair, trying to lull me to sleep. I always find it difficult to sleep at night if I have a nap in the afternoon. I was content to breathe my calming breaths and not worry about forcing the sleep I knew would eventually come.

Since sleep was alluding me, I asked Liam, "are you nervous about tomorrow?"

"Meeting your family?" I nodded. He shrugged, "a little. It's been a while since I've been introduced to the family. A couple of years, actually. But I'm mostly looking forward to it." He gave me a quick kiss. "What about you?"

"After Thursday, I don't know if I'll be nervous about anything again." Liam chuckled. "I'm a little concerned about my mum. But I'm excited about you meeting the kids. I wonder if they will recognise you."

"Sometimes, kids do. Other times they say that's not him. He doesn't have a cape." I chuckled. Liam didn't speak for a while, so I tried letting Liam's breaths rock me to sleep. Then he spoke again, "Do you want kids?"

"You know, I do," I replied. We had spoken about it when we first started talking. Not wanting kids had been a deal-breaker for both of us. It was one of the first questions he had asked once we had gotten past the superficial talk. I looked at him, puzzled. "Why?"

"When you first told me about your contraception, I thought with my dick, so naturally, I was excited about not having to wear a condom." Liam's lip twitched, "Having said that, I wouldn't mind seeing you put a condom on me again." I rolled my eyes and indicated he should keep talking. "But then I thought you got that thing put in when you were still with Andy. If it's none of my business, that's fine. I had just been thinking about it, is all."

"You're wondering why I would use such a long-lasting contraception when I was married and wanted kids."

He nodded. "That sums it up."

"Well, several reasons. I had to replace the one I had. It had expired. Second, I have Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, and one symptom is very irregular periods. I was always scared I was pregnant. I could go months without a period, and when I did, they were hell. I would get migraines for weeks, mood swings from being happy to almost suicidal throughout my cycle. When the period came, there was bad cramping and back pain, joint pain, fatigue. So, I had my first implant when I was 20."

"That sound's awful, Sweetheart."

"Yup. I got the last one put in instead of trying for kids because I was 26. Yes, Andy and I wanted kids, but we wanted to wait a few more years, pay more off the house, grow up a bit." Liam nodded.

I was surprised that talking to him about Andy in such intimate detail didn't make me start crying. I still felt sad and missed him, but it was different now. There was a fondness to the thoughts rather than the fear and guilt that would usually arise. Anthea had been right. I had to talk with Andy and be honest with him about how I felt. As if verbalising how I felt to Andy, wherever he was in the universe, eased the guilt I was feeling. It made me realise that it wasn't wrong or selfish to seek love again. It was what made life special, sharing your life with someone else.

Liam was looking with furrowed brows. "Are you ok?" He asked.

I wondered if I should tell him what I was thinking. Would he be interested? Would it be weird for him to hear about Andy? In some ways, Andy had always been the elephant in the room. He was mentioned in passing, but other than last Friday, I hadn't told him anything meaningful about him or how I felt. He had been right when we argued, Andy was a shadow that loomed over the relationship, and that was my fault. I decided to be honest.

"Yeah, I am." I gave him a half-smile and said, "I spoke to Anthea, my mother-in-law, on Tuesday." Liam's face was unreadable. Too late to stop now. I kept going. "I wanted her to hear from me that we were dating before it was official. It turns out she already knew. She was cool about it, happy for me. I was surprised by her response, and I thought she would think it was a betrayal. But she said I should talk to Andy, and I would feel better."

Liam still wasn't showing me what he was thinking. His face was stoic. I thought again, I should stop. "Keep going," he said, his voice not much louder than a whisper.

"So I visited Andy and told him about how I was feeling. I told him about you and how I felt about you. It seemed to work like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. I felt free."

Liam was quiet for a while. I could almost see him arranging his thoughts. After a while, he said, "it seems the only one who makes you feel guilty is you."

"I think that was true, but not anymore," I said. "Are you upset I told you that? Is it... I don't know... tmi?"

Liam gave me a half-smile, "no, Lana. I'm glad you told me. I'm glad you did that. Not just for me, but for you."

"Then why were you looking at me like that?"

Liam's smile was full now. "Because I thought you were going to break my heart. Instead, you told me something private and because you wanted to. Not because I forced you or put you in a position where you had no choice. It makes me believe you may care about me as much as I care about you."

I cupped his face in my hands and looked deeply into his eyes, so he knows what I'm saying is true. "Liam, I do care about you. I don't think anyone else could have opened my heart. I was ready to go the rest of my life alone. If it weren't for you, I would never have taken those final steps to move on. For being the catalyst I needed, I will always be thankful for you and care about you."

Liam POV

Lana held my face in her hands. Her green eyes shined in the dim light of my bedroom as she spoke to me. "Liam, I do care about you. I don't think anyone else could have opened my heart. I was ready to go the rest of my life alone. If it weren't for you, I would never have taken those final steps to move on. For being the catalyst I needed, I will always be thankful for you and care about you."

My heart stopped a moment before it started to thunder in my chest. Lana so rarely bared her soul to me. She dropped hints sometimes, said little things to make me believe she could love me. But too often she was closed off when things get too intimate or too real.

She had changed so much since I first spoke to her, yet somehow she was still the same. She was kind and generous. I picked up on that early. That she was so funny and witty was something that she was slow to reveal but was a joy to watch. Watching her start to open her soul to me was beautiful. To see her courage and strength as she pushed through her grief was inspiring. That she saw enough in me to want to go through all she went through was humbling.

I loved her. I was desperate to tell her. I almost told her so many times. But my fear kept me from saying it. I didn't want to scare her off. I knew now she has to set the pace. She will be ready when she's ready and I will be there when she is.

Lana kissed me, and my body lit up. Her lips were like a match igniting a fire that travelled through my whole body. I instantly grew hard and needed her. I kissed her back, my tongue licking at her lips, urging her to open for me. When she did, I was lost, and all control left me. I needed to be in her.

My tongue entered her mouth, and her taste reminded me of apples and honey. She tasted so sweet to me. I wanted to taste her everywhere. I rolled her onto her back, reminding myself not to throw her around too roughly. She could take a lot of punishment, but I was still careful.

I sought Lana with my hands, pulling off the underwear that separated me from her. I put my hand between her legs, and my fingers parted her. I groaned when I felt how wet she was already, and I had to taste her. I moved between her legs as she opened them wide for me.

I put two fingers inside her, and my cock ached. "You're so warm, Lana," I told her, and she moaned, arching her back, her hips moving as I fucked her with my fingers. She was so responsive to my touch, and I loved watching her every movement. Her body moved in the most spectacular ways, writhing and seeking her pleasure.

I couldn't wait any longer for a taste, so leaving my fingers inside her, I let my tongue find her clit. When her taste hit my tongue, I hummed with delight. Lana's fingers slid into my hair as she pushed me into her and her hips rocked as she grinds herself on my tongue. God, she was so sexy. I wanted to stay here forever, watching her and listening to her moan. I ran my hand up her hips to her tiny waist. Feeling her hips under her soft skin was so erotic. I needed to fuck her, but she needed this first.

Lana started panting, her moans became short cries as she exhaled and I knew she didn't have long. I felt her walls close in on my fingers as she started to cry out my name, begging me not to stop. As if I would deny her this. As if I would deny her anything.

When Lana came, she was beautiful. Her eyes closed hard, her body convulsed, and her thighs trembled. Then she did this thing where she throws her head forward, and her body almost curls into a ball, and I know she's finished. Even when she's standing up she does it, I almost dropped her the first time. It's the cutest fucking thing I've ever seen.

I lapped at her one more time, taking one last taste. She shuddered and tried to close her legs, giggling. She smiled at me, and my heart melted, but my cock was in pain. I needed to have her.

I kissed her, and she licked at me, tasting herself. She drives me wild when she does that. I felt like an animal, my careful control was gone, and I pushed my cock into her. She was so wet and tight, her body moulded around my cock, taking me all in, holding me so tight I almost came.

"Fuck," I swore into her mouth. Lana bit at my lip, playful, but I knew what that meant. She wanted me, and she didn't want me to be gentle.

I wasn't gentle. There was no way I could be. She had me too worked up, and all I wanted was to own her and claim her as mine forever. I started to thrust into her, her tits bouncing as she takes all I give her. Her lips were parted, and her cheeks were red. Her hair looked like a halo of fire on the sheets. Its vibrance thrilled me. I pushed my self off her and watched as my cock pumped into her. Seeing her stretched around me, I felt my orgasm rise again. Not yet. I wasn't done with her yet. I slowed down.

"Liam," She whispered my name, and there was no stopping it. My body took on a mind of its own, driving itself to release. She cried my name again as I felt my seed rise into me, and ecstasy flowed through me as it pumped into her.

I fell on my side next to Lana and took deep breaths. She gave a hum of contentment and I pulled her into me, hugging her tightly and I felt the surge of love again. She was so beautiful and sweet but so fucking sexy. She made me feel drunk. Even moments after orgasming, I wanted her again. I put my face into her hair, smelling her sweet pomegranate shampoo. Lana hugged me back as she played with my chest hair, and I smiled, she loved to touch me there, and it felt so good when she did.

My mind wandered as she caressed me with her pretty little hands and pink fingernails. The first time she had touched my chest, she had seemed so hesitant and unsure, even looking at me for permission. It had been such a turn-on.

It had been so hard not to fuck her that first night. I did try and seduce her. I knew what effect I had on women. It's hard not to know when you're famous and have women hitting on you all the time. I think I could have, there were a few times there where if I had played my cards right she would have let me. But knowing what I know now, I'm happy I didn't. I'm sure she would have run, and I would never have seen her again.

When she did let me, she had knocked me for six when she bit me. It was almost out of nowhere, and the way she opened up to me after about her desires was amazing. We still had so much to explore, only just getting to know each other sexually. I could tell she was getting more comfortable with it. She was probably going to teach me a thing or two. That thing she did with the condom, I think I almost told her I loved her then. I chuckled.

"What are you laughing at?" Lana asked. Her accent made it sound like she said, "whadcha laughn at?" I don't know why, but her accent excited me, especially when she swore at me. Her mouth was filthy. Maybe it was the combination of her outward elegance and her potty mouth that I liked. It was such an exciting combination.

"Nothing, Sweetheart." I kissed her long neck gently and held her. She seemed to accept it and squeezed me into her.

"I love you, Lana," I said, and my heart stopped. She froze. I don't even think she was breathing. My blood was like ice as my heart started to beat again. Oh, God, I fucked up. I'm going to lose her this time. I wanted to take it back. I was such a fool. Fuck.

Then Lana found my mouth and kissed me. The warmth that spread through my body was such a relief. Her kiss held such sweetness and passion. It was the promise that I needed. She wasn't mad. She wasn't going to run away. I held her close and kissed her back. She didn't have to say it for me to know that she loved me too.

End.

#original character #original story #original fiction #romantic story #happy ever after

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bravo-four-seal-team · 3 years

Text

Profile: Ashley Sawyer

Thought I’d share my OC profile so people know more about her when reading.

So yeah, here's Ashleys profile, basically how I remember what I'm writing

Name: Ashley

Middle Name: Caroline.

Surname: Sawyer

Age: 31

Height: 5’3

D.O.B: 14/03/1990

Nickname/call sign: Song Bird(when drunk and singing) , A.C, or Ash.

Occupation: Marine, joined in 2007-8.

Family: Older Brother Trent Sawyer.

Rank: Staff Sergeant (E-6 ) (10-11 years enlisted)

Gunnery Sergeant (E-7) (12-13 years enlisted by 2021)

Emergency contacts for injuries in field:

Trent Sawyer

Scott Carter (Boyfriend)

Amelia Carter (Friend)

Trained in:

Medical (First aid), hand to hand close range combat, heavy weapon combat, heavy vehicle combat. Long distance targeting.

Injuries/Trauma:

3 Months worth of torture.

Broken ribs, punctured lung, broken leg, dislocated shoulder, electrical burns, cuts/slashes, whip marks, waterboarding, starvation. Stabbed, shot. Taken out by walking into a door.

jumped on a grenade.

Drinks: Whiskey, beer, tequila.

Personality type: is classed as a Defender trait, always ready to protect her loved ones, protect those who need it, dedicated and warm, loyal, though doubts herself at many stages.f

Personal Details:

Hair: Dark blond, almost brown. Shoulder length. Usually tied up in a bun.

Eye Colour: Grey

Height: 5’3 (shortest in her family while her brother is 6’2)

Relationships: Dated in the past, engaged once.

Wounds?: Multiple scars across torso and back. Along with Electrical burn scars on legs.

Children: None (though secretly wants a kid though.)

Phrases: “Well shit” “Well someone left me unsupervised” “Don’t be mad” “Fuck” “Oh boy”

Car or Motorbike: Both

Shows and Movies: Historical, action or sci-fi, crime.

Music: Country, some sea shanties and classic rock and occasionally emotional songs.

Favourite Food: Anything that is not an MRE - she can cook, but only if she is really in the mood to make pizza from scratch. (However later finds a place with amazing Onion rings)

Most used swear: Shit.

Emotions: Chooses to ignore them. Just like her health

Health: Ignores that, gets hurt? No big deal. Sick? Who cares? She doesn’t care.

Other :

She hates spiders and is claustrophobic. Has a fear of hospitals, being left alone in one.

Does not like to talk about things going on in her head - will shut down and if annoyed will fight.

She won't care if she's bleeding out,someone else gets hurt and she needs to check on them.

Massive Fear of Needles, three responses, pass out, punch, complain/sarcasm.

2 tattoos, one on her shoulder of a Compass and one on her ribs Marine logo with Semper Fi (only type of needle she isn’t scared of)

Hidden Talent: She can sing and is pretty good at it. And knows how to play guitar (deployments can be boring)

Facts:

She told Trent she had enlisted in the Marines when he had some downtime before deployment. (she was studying)

She met Metal when visiting Trent, who at the time was not home. He was drunk.

She was held captive for 3 months and tortured.

She finds out Trent is in a good and stable relationship.

She has been part of the support for Bravo, when a Marine team is assigned.

She has had the worst dating experiences. Her last boyfriend tried to kill her. - She woke up tied to the table and him preparing surgical items, she got out. He was killed.

Worries constantly about her brother - she is scared that one day it’ll be his funeral she attends. - but doesn’t know anyone on his team to ask them to have his back.

She joined the Marines because Trent got blown up, she never wanted him to be alone again on the field, she has been trained to provide tactical support to SEAL Teams, Trent is unaware of this.

Didnt speak to Trent for 5 years. - Massive fight 2012, later in 2017 reached out to him in August.

Other Points

Ashley is confident, put her beside metal? She will be a flustered mess.

Ashley loves all kinds of animals, however she is really allergic to dogs, that does not stop her from petting every dog she sees.

She spends time at the shooting range. - Especially after arguments.

If she's hurting she shuts off from people and will not answer anyone.

If something traumatic happens i.e losing a friend - she will go radio silent, stop eating and nearly end up in hospital because of this.

She will hide when she is struggling, refusing to ask for help.

She hides injuries a lot. - She can literally have her arm in a cast and says “Who got injured? Wasn’t me.”

Will look them in the eye and steal their beer. (especially with Metal.)

She hunted Amelia down to see exactly what she was like, she ended up somehow befriending her.

Dating her

She lives for being able to just cuddle. - or just have physical contact.

Her love languages are Emotional connection and physical contact.

She is sensitive when it comes to scars being touched, or being asked to talk about what is going on in her head, (it probably runs in the family.)

Will steal her partner's clothes. Especially for when she's deployed. Will walk around base in their hoodie to have a piece of comfort.

She's loyal, loves with all her heart once you get past the walls

Someone hits on her; she just smiles sweetly and will promise to hurt them is they speak to her again.

Break down those walls of hers? You got yourself an Ashley for life. - She does not cheat, but always has a fear that her partner will as it's happened twice before.

Will admit things she won't tell her brother. - which is a lot. But only after she's managed to convince herself she won't be hurt by her partner.

Childhood

Locked in the trunk of the car by her father for ‘talking about an unwanted subject’

Father and Mother did not want her, Father tried to kill her. Head smashed against the wall claimed she ‘fell downstairs’

Has always looked up to her brother (both for what he does and because he's taller)

Had a stuffed bear in camo gear (Father burnt it one night.)

Would go see Trent off and be there for when he returned from spin ups and deployments.

Was obsessed with Archery and archers from Robin Hood to Hawkeye.

Spent time avoiding Trent as a teenager after his injury. - parents thought it would be easier for both kids.

Cut her hair and dyed it and her father was angry.

Did stupid stunts which resulted in a dislocated shoulder.

Was selected to do training for the Olympics in archery, dropped it when she decided to join the marines.

#B4writes #OC: Ashley Sawyer #OC profile #tw: injury #tw: childhood trauma #SEAL Team OC #ao3 series #B4queue #written up: 21/07/21

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sumeshi-t · 4 years

Text

past or present— a haikyuu smau

[oikawa x y/n x atsumu]

a/n: hi !! here we have sum words in between pictures 😔🤘🏻

part 10 > part 11 > part 12A | nav.

you place your phone down on the bedside table, sighing as you watched streaks of sunlight enter through the partially opened blinds.

to be honest, you didn't know what got into your head that made you say those words to atsumu. were you always this impulsive? no, not really. you preferred thinking things through.

perhaps deep inside, you just wanted to find out for yourself what it is that you really feel for the blonde miya, and what he genuinely felt for you too.

it wasn't that you wanted to settle down, or be in a committed relationship anytime soon. it's just that you felt like something was missing in your life even after treating your profession as your spouse. maybe you're just not used to all the flirting anymore. or maybe you were getting old, preferring a more direct approach to trivial matters like this.

trivial... matters? is this really something a person could call trivial?

the early morning thinking made your stomach grumble, prompting you to get off the bed to have breakfast.

'i'll save my appetite for later,' you thought before randomly pulling a bag of bread, then absentmindedly began eating its contents. as soon as you recognize the fluffy texture and creamy taste, a brunette setter flashed through the recesses of your mind.

you look down, noticing that indeed, you were eating milkbread. you faintly remembered how he–oikawa tooru–had once given you a whole month's supply of the food to help in increasing your height. his reasoning was ridiculous, but nonetheless, your dork of an ex was someone you really couldn't resist. 'is that why i was so helpless when we... when he broke up with me?'

just in time, your phone rang, snapping you back into attention. it was atsumu.

"hello?"

"y/n... you weren't kidding when you said you were gonna go here, right?"

that was the first time you heard a hint of hesitation in the usually cool, sure-of-himself, atsumu. the thought made you chuckle. "mhhm, i'll be there a little bit before lunch. what food do you want?"

you hear osamu's voice from a distance saying, "leave that to me,"

"well, you heard him. if you're worried he's gonna stick around later, i'll kick him out."

this makes you gasp, feeling a bit embarrassed of yourself for forgetting to consider his twin, "oh! is he gonna be there later? i... i thought he was gonna go work or... something..." you hiss at the end, slowly regretting your decision.

"yep, he has work don't worry." there was a brief pause and then, as he speaks, you could see it in your head that atsumu was smirking through the receiver; the smirk that seemed to have been embroidered on his handsome face since birth.

"you seem pretty dead set on getting me alone, y/n. why?"

you blush, cheeks heating up with all the blood that suddenly rushed underneath your skin. "b-because! i-it's... it's kind of like a date, right? why, are you two like a package since you're twins?" you berated yourself for stuttering (he was going to tease you for that later, that's for sure). at the same time, you heard something like a pot lid dropping to the floor.

"is... everything okay back there?"

"yeah, samu's fine,"

"...i'm on speaker, aren't i,"

"yep." atsumu pops the last syllable, then proceeds to not put you on speaker anymore. he took an intake of breath, you assumed he was stretching as he asked, "any movies you'd like to watch?"

you sighed, trying to tone down the feeling of embarrassment from the joke you made about the twins, hoping osamu would put it behind him. instead of dwelling on that, you answer atsumu's query, "just nothing too obnoxious, horror is fine, please no porn, cute animated ones are also good, i'm not really that picky with movies." you listed your terms as you get a glass of juice.

atsumu chuckles, snarky comeback ready, "but you do seem picky with the people you date,"

"that, i won't deny."

"and it's a valuable trait to have, right? besides, i think we're both making a good pick here."

you hum for an answer, before taking a quick sip, 'damn it, he's too good at this,' you thought, biting your lip at having been unable to come up with a retort.

atsumu notices that you haven't said anything so, with a soft smile that you couldn't see, he says, "well, i'm not gonna hold you up for long. see you later, y/n."

"osamu just chatted to ask if the food was okay. he's so sweet. i said the food was great. sooo, think you can bring those to training some time?" you say, before shooting a potato chip into your mouth.

you only brought some snacks–basically, junk–for when you two watched movies.

atsumu raises his brow, leaning back comfortably on his side of the sofa. you peep at him when he doesn't respond, then teasingly grins. "atsu, don't tell me: are you jealous i called your brother sweet?"

his ears became a little pink and he aggressively picks the remote up, "why would i be?" he murmurs under his breath. his reaction made you chuckle, before reaching out for his phone. "Ciri, pick a number between one and 20,"

"nice choice, perfectly fitting." atsumu remarks, after putting "50 first dates" on to play.

"right? because this is like our first–no, second–date. unless of course, you forgot about that already."

"i don't have short term memory loss, atsumu."

"no, keep calling me atsu. you're the only one who calls me that." he winks, before digging his hand into the bag of chips atop your lap.

the rest of the movie marathon afternoon was spent by laughing over the same jokes together, you getting emotional at any scene that made you feel emotional, with atsumu making sure to give you tissues and a bowl of ice cream to calm you down.

first, the two of you began the marathon sitting on either end of the sofa, and gradually, things began to get a little chaotic when the both of you became comfortable with each other; such as your feet on atsumu's lap, turning into atsumu sprawled on the floor with his arm on your leg, while you were on the couch, lying on your belly.

to be honest, atsumu spent more time watching you than focusing on the movies on the screen. he could watch them anytime he wanted to, but to observe you up close, and just being around you, your presence just for himself–atsumu felt that it was a once in a lifetime thing, and knew he shouldn't take this moment for granted.

there were more times he's caught himself smiling at you, whether it was when you got scared from a jumpscare (wherein you then laughed at him for flinching, and he ends up defending himself that it was your screaming that shocked him); or when you couldn't control the outburst if your loud laugh and snorting.

'i wish time would stop.' atsumu thinks. 'from here on out, what will become of us?'

sure he seems confident on the outside, but the truth is, this pro athlete is not much of a pro when it comes to dating. he's never really been interested in the prospect of romance, probably because he was surrounded by those who squeal in joy at the sight of him, and getting one would have probably come in easy for him. he even remembers calling his female fans as pigs (even though they were kinda cute–but they were ruining his game! well fuck, that doesn't matter now)

but you? oh y/n, he never said he didn't like a challenge.

now... should he be more direct than he already was? he was sure that he wanted you for himself, but... 'does y/n even want me that way? does she want... anything like that with me?'

it was suddenly quiet, as he immersed himself into his thoughts, losing track of which movie it was you were watching. atsumu took a quick glance at you, only to see that you were fast asleep, head on the edge of the seat. somehow you two ended up switching places, you on the floor and him on the couch.

all his previous thoughts were gone, your peaceful face giving him... peace.

his gentle fingers nimbly brushed a few strands of your hair out of your face. he inches his face closer, his lips just a few inches from your forehead, before you stirred in your sleep.

atsumu gave you one last look before pulling himself away. he smiles to himself, eyes intent on you.

then, he finally notices your horrible position on the floor, which was sure to give you either a back ache or a stiff neck if he was just going to let you be. atsumu sighs, shaking his head.

an idea pops into the blonde setter's mind, causing him to smirk. quickly, he reaches for his phone that was on the couch, swiped open the camera, before looking for a cute angle of yours and grinned at successfully taking a photo of you sleeping soundly without waking you up.

satisfied with his little victory, atsumu finally bends down, carefully wraps his strong arms around your form, and carries you to his shared bedroom. atsumu lays you down on his messy bed (because, he wasn't being possessive, it's just that there was no way he was going to let you end up on his twin's bed).

he took his brother's neat bed, and just let you sleep, toss and turn, while he would toss a ball while lying down. when he grew tired of doing so, and you had your back turned to him, atsumu just pulled his phone out once more and checked the photo he took.

atsumu gently smiles, "i'm so stupid... there's no need for us to rush, am i right y/n?" he murmurs softly, knowing you wouldn't be able to hear him anyway.

for now, he was just going to take his sweet time.

taglist: @tamcitrus @nerdyphantomlady @haikyuuincorrect @aurorahoneybuns @zoppzoop @takingyouruwus @jesquisser @blushinggray

#haikyuu #haikyuu smau #oikawa tooru x reader x atsumu miya #oikawa tooru #atsumu miya #miya atsumu #kuroo tetsurou #kenma kozume #bokuto koutarou #akaashi keiji

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lovemesomesurveys · 2 years

Text

1. Do you ever go back and look through all the surveys you’ve taken? Are there any answers that make you cringe, or that you’d answer differently next time around? Yeah, every once in awhile. There's definitely a lot of cringy answers, haha. it's crazy how much changed, though. These surveys are like diary entries for me and I overshare and vent quite a bit, so I'm able to really look back and reminisce. Some stuff seriously feels like another lifetime, like it doesn't seem real.

2. What is something most everyday people don’t know or wouldn’t be able to guess about you? A lot of things, I don't know. *shrug*

3. If you could have someone make you breakfast every morning, what kinds of things would you want them to make? Country gravy and eggs, coffee, eggs with beans, Mexican cheese, cilantro and onion, crema, guacamole, toast, maybe waffles now and then, muffins, donuts...

4. Where is the scariest place you’ve ever been? What made it so terrifying? Being in the surgery room about to undergo a procedure is quite scary to me.

5. Did you celebrate Easter? Are there any holidays you are more inclined to celebrate than others? If so, which? Yes, of course. I celebrate the big ones and enjoy those the most. We do less for ones like Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, 4th of July, etc, but we acknowledge them and do a little something.

6. If you’re on thq e internet, what are you most likely to be doing? Taking surveys, watching YouTube videos, scrolling through Tumblr, and checking out my other social medias,

7. When was the last time you experienced a pleasant surprise? My mom took me to see the new Alexander Skarsgard movie, The Northman, on Friday.

8. What were your favorite parts of the previous week? Do you have any plans for this week? Going to the movies was the first time I've left the house in almost a month.

9. What was the last thing you deleted? Whatever was here before this.

10. What colors make up the majority of your wardrobe? Is there any color you like, but don’t wear often? Black. Yeah, there's several. I do have pops of color, it's just I feel most comfortable in black.

11. When was the last time you were in any amount of pain? When I woke up about an hour ago.

12. Do you have any unusual habits or preferences when it comes to food? Ohhh yes. Quite a few.

13. Tell a fact about the last person you spoke to. He's obsessed with Nascar.

14. What is something you tend to carry with you everywhere? Phone.

15. What was the last thing you completed? A previous survey.

16. Do you take pictures often? What are the main subjects of your photography? Not really. The main things nowadays are just screenshots.

17. Post a picture of one of your favorite memories and tell the story behind it? Nah.

18. If you’re reading a book, how close are you to finishing it? Do you have any idea what you’ll read next? I'm about halfway through. I have a few other books lined up to choose from I want to get to.

19. Is there anything you’ve been more optimistic about lately? No. :/

20. What does the sky look like right now? It's bright and sunny out.

21. What was the last thing you snacked on? Some chips.

22. Do you prefer fruits or vegetables? I eat more veggies.

23. When was the last time you had to ask for help? What about the last time someone asked you? I require a lot of help right now. My dad asked me to help him with something earlier.

24. Where was the last place you went? How long will it be until you leave the house again? The movie theater. I probably won't be going anywhere else until Thursday for a doctor appointment. I'm so nervous because I've had to put it off going for almost a month because I was all sick and messed up and just couldn't deal with that. Due to being sick, it caused setbacks and I'm just scared for my doctor to see me right now and then most likely hear more bad news, which will just add to the stress and ughhhhh.

25. What’s the longest you’ve ever stayed inside? How about outside? Well, when the pandemic first began I left the house like once a month for a doctor appointment to get my pain medication and that was literally it for that first year. I slowly started to venture out a little more the following year. Now I go out pretty much as often as I did pre-pandemic, which wasn't much either, but it's more than just doctor appointments. As for outdoors, like several hours.

26. Who was the last person to hug you? Do you hug this person often? My mom and yes.

27. What are you most likely to argue or debate about? I can be very stubborn about the stupidest things.

28. What was the last show you watched? Have you seen it before, or is it something you’re watching for the first time? The Golden Girls. I've seen it countless times since it's something I've watched since I was a kid.

29. How would you describe your taste in clothing? What would a dream outfit look like to you? Very casual and comfy. I like graphic tees and leggings.

30. How has your day been so far? I've only been up for an hour and a half, so not a whole lot has happened so far.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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hannahdestiiny-blog · 4 years

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Keep on Keepin’ On

Every now and then we have a week that we'd much rather not play out. Whether we wish we could skip over it completely, or just crawl in a ball until it's over, we just don't want to face it quite yet, or maybe ever.

November 2, 2018 I was taken to the E.R. because I was unable to eat, and struggling to swallow. I sat in the waiting room until I was taken back at 3 am (not the ideal time to be at Oroville Hospital) and shared a room with drug addicts off the street. I was terrified. I had blood drawn and was moved into a hospital bed where I'd stay for 3 days, NPO (no food or water by mouth), while they ran tests. I wheeled around my IV bag to get to the bathroom in the middle of the night, which also served as a walker as I was getting so weak. I lived in a backless gown for those three days, my blood sugar dropped to around 48 in the middle of the night which is dangerous and needed immediate treatment, and my mother had to help me in the shower because I didn't have the strength to wash myself -- all at the age of 19. On my last day I was released with no diagnosis and no answers. I was told they didn't know what was causing the spasms, I figured out a liquid diet for myself as I was still unable to eat solid food, and the next few days we called doctors and fought with our insurance to refer us to a specialist that would take me as soon as possible. On some occasions we'd rush to the E.R. when it got particularly hard to swallow again, and was turned away saying, "We can't help you because you are still able to breath."

Fast forward to being put under with cameras down my throat, many suspected diagnosies leading me to test out different treatments, accepting it was most likely an incurable autoimmune disease... all of it led to a dead end and that gastroenterology doctor told me he couldn't figure it out and couldn't help me anymore. I was sent to U.C. Davis for motility studies. This was the hardest procedure I had gone through. You snort numbing medication up the nostril of your choosing, stick a catheter up your nose, and have you swallow it down and sip saline solution to test the muscles in your throat. This was outpatient, so I wasn't seen again. Months go by, and at this point it has been over a year without a solid meal. I called my gastroenterologist doctor back and asked if he'd be able to stretch my throat in hopes of solving my problem, and he turned me away, and told me he'd only perform the same tests I'd already had done. I had really hit a dead end now.

I made an appointment on base with my primary care doctor and asked for a new referral. His referral went through, and it defaulted back to the same doctor that has now twice told me he couldn't help me anymore. Great. I had an appointment the last day of February, and I prayed and prayed that he would hear me out and offer me any form of help he could manage. I'm sitting in the room as he walks in, and he sits down to finally give me answers and options.

I was told that the motility study showed that I have a muscle in my esophagus that is extremely tight and is causing my difficulty swallowing. He gave me two options, both of which I'm going to take. #1: Getting a procedure done to dilate (or balloon) my throat, which may work and combat the spasms, or it may not. Either way it is only a temporary solution. #2: Being sent to Stanford University, four hours away, for neurogastroenterology and motility studies where experts can hopefully get to the root of the issue.

We were leaving the office and I began to cry as I realized THIS is the moment I've been waiting for, this is what I've been asking for, for the past 15 months. I began to cry harder because I was scared. As we looked through the windshield we saw a rainbow in the sky on a perfectly sunny day, and it was right above the road where we were headed, on the passenger side where I was seated. I saw this as a reminder of God's promise. The rainbow is His promise to never flood the earth again, and I knew that He also promises to not let my whole world be flooded again. I've come this far, and it can only move forward from here, I just have to keep going.

This is the week that I have been dreading. The one that it'd be much easier to do without. I was told I won't be given anesthesia, but rather be conscious and sedated during the procedure, which doesn't sound ideal considering there will be instruments being pushed down my throat... Needless to say I'm nervous. I'm nervous about whether it will even work, and if it does, how long it will last. I'm not prepared to re-live slowly losing my ability to swallow again. Between classes on Wednesday, I grab my bible and open it to a random page with the mindset that God will show me what I need to see in this moment, but honestly fully expecting to not see anything in particular. What my eyes saw left me sitting in shock and I think my jaw literally hit the floor. It was my own name staring back at me... talk about straight to the point! Then I saw what had been previously written next to it. Once again, God's promise that he will be faithful to me, I only need to have faith in Him.

Sometimes we have to wait. We have to be shaped, and built up, and molded into the person God needs us to be before we can receive what we've been praying for. I've learned so much in the past year about patience, true faith, and miracles. God WILL give us more than we can handle, but he will never give us more than we can handle with HIS strength. It is when we rely on our own strength that we fall short.

I may be terrified about remaining conscious during this procedure, about it working or not, about it working and then failing shortly after, about the tests I'll undergo at Stanford, about the future... But I have made it this far. This entire journey has been more than I could handle. Heck, I proved that you can survive without food! I would truly not be where I am today without God's strength. I was reminded of why I'm on this journey when my cousin sent me a picture of Colossians 1:11 "being strengthened with all power that you may have great endurance and patience."

So these things may look like obstacles to me, hurdles I can't get over. But that's when God comes in and breaks down every wall: He gets all the glory. Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me, He's never failed and he definitely won't start now.

"The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still." Exodus 14:14

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