#but like i know a sanya. i know several sanyas. i know several yuras even. This other yura has my discord and occassionally sends me

[simcardiac-arrested]

your fever is going up? 😳well then

false disposition is a song by ferry, the second song in the parties are for losers vocaloid series, released not long after the first one. it centres around sanya and her relationship with yura and sergei (sorta). it is a series of flashbacks. the next pafl song will also focus on sanya, i suspect

the first flashback is of sergei telling sanya that the world is a cruel place to people like her (shes albino), that he'll keep her safe. he has a very "it doesnt matter if youre not happy it matters that youre alive", although he also cares about her happiness still. he prefers she'd be alive tho. their parents are dead, so, hes had to take care of her for . around a decade? almost completely alone, with the help of nikita (loser) and kolya (we'll learn about him next song i think). she does care about sergei, but dear god she wishes he'd at least let her go to school (shes homeschooled)

now, homeschooled. she gets tutored by yura in math, who sergei is also preparing to become a stalker. she loves hanging out with him. hes her only friend - he doesnt rlly consider her a friend at this point, just a weird teen he tutors. that sucks at math. she likes hearing about how his days are going, and, they don't even rlly talk about math lol they just talk about random shit. one day, sanya asks yura to take her to a party, and! after a bit of surprise he does!

she does not like it there:( more specificaly, she sees yura flirting with a girl, and she goes outside, kicks up and punches trashcans all "ohhh this world is a cruel place to people like me, he told me so- i wont give him that, damage control wont help me now- i wish i felt nothing at all" bc like, i dunno, her and yura have a weird crush thing going on. but they also don't. weirdos. yura however comes to find her n goes Oh Man i hate this town. and starts beating up the very same trashcans with a baseball bat. n they bond then and there ... besties ... their fates, sealed as buddies ....

anyway, the song ends like it started- with sanya running after yura who is going to the zone for his stalker trip, and going "its not like im saying goodbye, but just in case, i wanna tell you i-" but yura interrupts her. tells her that he'll come back, not to worry. gives her his jacket. and thats it boyyy. check these images out

heres your saff boss

#what the fuck man. character relationships. sure #it’s so wild that they all have russian names #that should be illegal i think. that should be not allowed #russian names are for 19th century russian novels where everyone is weird and then kills themselves #for example katya was in. (englit thinking) uhmmm. there was a katya in. in #scratches my head #there . was a katya in one of chekhov’s short stories …. yess … ahaha …… #<- definitely remembers class bullshit #but yeah it just feels weird it doesnt feel right #russian names are only for 19th century sad russian novels . and my classmates #yura used to be my classmate He is not in a vocaloid. i dont believe you #i just dont believe you #sanya ? i can call him rightnow. Im not going to because we dont talk often and he’s probably like fucking or drinking or vaping rn #but like i know a sanya. i know several sanyas. i know several yuras even. This other yura has my discord and occassionally sends me #math/logic problems. because he has something wrong with him and he loves solving those and seeing how ppl solve those #but i cannottttt be fucked im sorry yura we havent been classmates for a good 3 or 4 years i will not answer your riddles three #cramswering

[vampire-wizard-solidarity]

in occam’s razor, there’s a repeating line indicating yura’s feelings towards sanya - in the first chorus, it goes “but i can’t let you in - wouldn’t even if i could”. the second instance of this line is at the end, and it goes “but i can’t let you in, even though i wish i could”.

this type of technique is pretty common for characters like yura, those who build up walls and have facades to keep up. and usually, these types of line echo each other to indicate a change in the facade: the first line is typically one where the character has their walls up, and the second indicates them being more vulnerable. and at first glance this is what these two lines are - first is yura being very hardline towards sanya, and the second is him, seemingly, indicating a desire for connection still, a desire for the ability to open up to her.

however, occam’s razor isn’t a song about yura opening up. it’s the complete opposite - it’s about him closing himself off even more, becoming even more hardline and choosing to sever the connections he still has left, and going down the path of a ruthless manipulator. and these lines play into this idea in an interesting way, by subverting an expectation of what these types of lines typically indicate: you see, these two lines in occam’s razor aren’t contradictory to each other.

in the second line, yura is not indicating a desire for a connection with sanya, he is indicating a desire for the ability to choose to keep his connection with her. in the first line, he indicates a reality: “i can’t let you in”, and then outlines what he would do in the hypothetical where this is not the case: “wouldn’t even if i could”. in the second line, he again indicates his reality, however also expresses a desire for the previous hypothetical to be a reality: “i wish i could”.

there’s no reason to assume the first statement about what would happen within the hypothetical no longer applies, so in the second line what he basically says is “i wish i had the opportunity to open up to you and choose to not do it”. yura’s entire character arc throughout the story is about taking control of his own life and claiming the power to make his own choices, which at first seems to start out hopeful and wholesome with kt’s view of it, and quickly turns gruesome and bleak with yura choosing to take control of destiny by shooting a guy and going off to manipulate children.

the change we see him undergo in these two lines is going from feeling defeated and resigned to his reality, only being able to make conscious choices in hypotheticals, to expressing an active desire to make his choices and to specifically choose to be closed off instead of just drifting towards that path due to the currents of life. he wants pushing away sanya to be an active choice on his part, instead of just a circumstantial consequence. this is the change he undergoes throughout the larger song, as well: he goes from almost giving up on finding kt and being resigned with his powerless state after his previous stunt, to being dead set on his goal and achieving it through any way necessary, including those he knows to be wrong and non humane.

in conclusion, occam’s razor uses a type of parallelism often used to show characters opening up, to instead shows a character closing himself off as well as tying it into yura’s larger arc of empowering himself to gain agency, which in itself is a subversion of a hopeful, virtuous lesson kt taught him, twisted by his environment into something dark and cruel. and i think that’s neat!

#pafl #pafl meta #pafl analysis #ik meta isn’t in its peak rn or whatever but i also don’t care #parties are for losers #yura pafl #pafl sanya #kt pafl #katya pafl #occam’s razor #ferry #vocaloid

[keingleichgewicht]

hey so... I was rewatching pafl videos and I realized Something... about the one "glitch" or whatever it is. Well I'm sure it's not a glitch but idk how to call it... the one in occam's razor. Where the lyrics for like half a second change to "I NEED YOU" I'm sure you know what I mean ahfdsbafjsdafds

WELL. What do you think about it??? I always thought it was related to Sanya, she was the "you" in this song, right? But Yura doesn't actually say it, it's more like... what's on his mind, at least in my opinion. So maybe it's not about Sanya at all. I thought about it and what if it's towards KT? I don't have any evidence for it besides the one relationship chart ferry posted way back when where Yura's relationship towards Katya is "I think I needed you", so it's just the same words that made me think about this. But also --- we know Yura is laserfocused on getting her back, right? And he can't let Sanya in. He wants to, but he can't. Or he doesn't think he can. So would he really think he needs her in that moment? Or is he desperately hoping that getting KT back will solve everything, everything will be right again, atleast for him. The world will still suck and he won't be happy, but he'll have Katya again. He needs her. She's all that matters right now.

idk just something I thought about and wanted to tell you since your pafl posts are always really cool and you probably think about it a lot afsdhbfaskdjnfasbafs

oh hell yes i know about i need you. AND THANK YOU for liking my pafl posts i like writing them >:)

and yes that chart is sure something...

there are several individual components of this i could get real emotional about (top scores go to 'mentor' and 'we can be friends') but 'i think i needed you' kind of tops them all, not least for its uncharacteristic sincerity, like, this is not a thing yura would in a million years ever be able to express to anyone else, no matter how true it is. he has had this problem since way before the story even starts: cynicism and apathy and irony and grief have closed him off from the world, and he can't actually open up to anyone, not even the people he already loves...

... except kt, who is the only person in this whole tale for whom yura can stop smiling, where his facade breaks down and he doesn't have to live this lie that's eating him from the outside in. in front of kt he can even cry! which never happens again, either! throughout all the progressively nastier and nastier things that happen after that point he never breaks down like that again, he just keeps bottling that shit up. sometimes we get that thousand-yard-stare from the end of pafl-the-song, or that immensely bleak expression he's got in occam's razor, but the rest of the time he just keeps smiling:

and it's VERY BAD to look at. CHRIST. the disease of irony. the terrible terrible cynical comedy of having brought it on yourself and knowing it. the fatal affliction that is being able to see the blunt stupidity of your own demise. and then also the facade, the carelessness, which goes hand in hand with recklessness, the way he can't do anything but destroy, because trying to save something instead would be admitting that he cared, would be setting himself up for a failure he cannot take

but something about kt... because she's so alien, because she's so far out of context, because she's seen straight through him already anyway.... something about katya means he can crack open and weep, which is a considerable achievement. he can finally achieve some kind of honesty about how miserable he really is, how little hope he feels, how much he does care and how much it does hurt.... and honesty doesn't fix everything but like they say, the first step is admitting you have a problem. and maybe this could have saved him! he wasn't doomed by nearly so wide a margin then as he is now; maybe she could have made the difference, like he and sanya were trying to make the difference for her

that's the other thing that's so fucking sad about 'i think i needed you," is the phrasing -- firstly that it's "i think," which is so tentative, so uncertain, the way it sounds like something about himself he's just beginning to figure out, which he is only just daring to say for the first time. and then also that it is in past tense. i needed you... but now you're here. now maybe things will be okay. maybe you got here in time. maybe we are going somewhere after all.

but..... you know!

and then after this whole miserable arc we come to occam's razor, the lowest point, and then the upswing, and I NEED YOU, which on some level sure I have usually figured is proooobably primarily about sasha. she is indeed the 'you' in this song, and she's the other thing occam's razor is about: how yura loves her in ways he can't show or admit, how he wants very badly to let her in or let her know but at this point he can't - and even if he could, he has started to believe it his responsibility not to, because letting her get close to him is only going to get her hurt. after all.... that's what happened to katya!

"it's a dead-end endeavour, it's time you understood... "

... the same way sergei understood, because sergei did, at the end of strike 3. he looked yura in the eye and said: get away from me and get away from the people i love. i cared about you once, i hoped i could help you, i see now there's nothing i can do. you are a dead end story and we will not be going down with you. you just keep crashing down! and at this point yura thinks he's fuckin' right! cutting him off is the smart move, it's the right thing to do, and he is tormented by the fact that sanya won't do it, and he can't bear to do it to her, the way he should, really, if he really cared for her, he would,

and after all sergei was his mentor, his friend, who taught him so much, and it's not exactly hard to tell that sergei lives his entire life for sanya, and yura is walking on the edge of destroying that. he is a time-bomb and he knows it but he can't bear to push her out of the blast range. hell of a way to thank someone, huh? hell of a way to show his gratitude for everything sergei did to him. this whole situation won't bring you any good... it's a wicked endeavour, i've always understood....

hmmm aughhhh occam's razor breaks my heart. like. he knows he's going down the wrong path! he knows it is cruel, he knows it is wrong, he knows that he is doing things he has no right to do, devil's work, idle hands, a dead end endeavour. he knows it won't end well for him, or indeed for anyone, but the thing is that he's never had any hope for the future, and he isn't about to start now. it isn't about the future, it's about now. "i need, therefore i am" is a present tense statement. he isn't trying for a future anymore; he's trying for anything that he can define himself against, any meaning he can cling to, any star to look towards, and he's so desperate for it that he'll throw everything else aside. i need, therefore i am. i need, you.

i think you're absolutely right that it's representing something he can't actually say, and that's why it flickers out like it does, because as soon as it crosses his mind he overwrites it, but it's still there, it is a truth he cannot actually escape. i also think you're absolutely right that it works for katya too! which is.... deeply fucking unsettling

the idea that, on some level, he's not even doing this out of guilt, or hate, or self-destruction, but out of raw and legitimate want: because right before he told kt he knew she was a mutant was the last time he's been able to drop this goddamn smile, and he's decided that he will give anything to have her back, so at least he can die with his face free of it. that implies a sort of.... hyperfocus that's terrifyingly believable for yura, really. it doesn't matter what anyone else wants, or who will be hurt - in fact it doesn't even matter what kt wants - but losing her hurt too much; he couldn't take it, he couldn't stand it, he needs to have her back. he has to make that hurt go away. and like a wolf with its foot in the trap he is perfectly willing to chew himself into pieces if that's what it takes to get out of there....

but also i think my ultimate conclusion about "i need you" is that it's not really about who he's talking to specifically. it could be sanya, it could be katya, it could be both, heck he could be talking to any number of people. (after all he also needs dima, in the same very uncomfortable sense that he also needed, say, the gun!)

the point really is just that he says it at all; or rather doesn't say it but it slips out, which is if anything more telling in the end. he backtracks, and he amends, and he seals his heart tighter - therefore I am, he says, turning it back to the first person, making it all about him, cutting everyone else out of the equation...

but ultimately he can't! as none of us can! man is not an island! we went over all this with sergei: none of us can do anything alone, it's just not how it fuckin' works, we don't actually get a choice about it. it's olya who's right: we all need someone By Our Side. (even dmitry did; for a minute there he was completely alone, it's true, but don't let's pretend it wouldn't have killed him if he hadn't found anya.) we all need somebody we can hold on to; no one is actually capable of standing alone

yura's so determined to be heartless - to be unwavering - occam's razor is all about him throwing himself off that edge, throwing away his broken heart rather than having to feel it bleeding, remaking himself as somebody willing to stop seeing other people as people (and, as terry pratchett says, evil begins when you start treating people like things.) he is determined to defined by nothing except what he needs, to exist only the first person, to chop everyone else out of the equation. and in a way he's succeeding, and i am terrified of what he is going to do because of it.... but it's also never going to fuckin' succeed! he can't actually cut sanya off or cut her free! he can't pretend to be heartless when he is doing this all ultimately for love of kt, and grief for the loss of her!

this cold-eyed creature here, this horrid shadow-edged thing he thinks he can become, it's just not him; it's not going to work out for him; it's a dead-end endeavour in itself. "i need therefore i am" is all first persons, but what it is eliding, what it is trying not to say, and what comes out anyway, is that what he needs is - like olya - still someone else

the mistake yura is making - okay, one of several mistakes - is thinking that he can escape hurting if he doesn't have a soul left to be hurt. that if he loves nothing and feels nothing and is unflinchingly ready to destroy or kill to get what he wants he can be free of pain: that it will be as simple as getting what he wants, or dying in the attempt (preferably very much not with a whimper, but with a blast.)

and the scariest thing is that in a very practical sense he is right, as in, it will make him capable of doing terrible things, it will quite possibly set him free, and it will probably kill him; but he is also deeply and miserably wrong, because you can't actually stop caring that easily. you can't stop feeling. and if he keeps chasing it like he is he's going to get the worst of both worlds, and he will have destroyed or pushed away everything he loved and everything that loved him, and he will still absolutely feel it

#pafl #parties are for losers #metatext #it speaks #for the record 'i will simply cut myself off and then i don't have to be afraid of losing you anymore' #is also very much The Mistake message lost is about regretting #which gives me Thoughts. yura and nikita certainly have parallels #and not to put too fine a point on it #nikita figured it out too late #also i was like gosh i really should finally reply to this ask it's a good one. like at least a SHORT thing i mean i DO have thoughts #just a SHORT LITTLE REPLY #JUST A LIL ONE THIS TIME #RIGHT GUYS????? #hmm. egeo ergo sum.... #anonymous #ask