#but this…….there’s no major stress right now. nothing wildly beyond normal | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

littlemisslovelovelove3 · 3 years

Text

If this comes across your dashboard, just ignore it. I’m stressing out but it’s 4am and everyone I could normally talk to is sleeping, so I’m basically using this as a digital venting session/journal entry because it’s easier than digging out all my actual journaling stuff.

I don’t know what’s going on with me tonight but I’m feeling very off. I’m feeling an intense urge to cry like I haven’t felt in years despite nothing of importance happening. And not like “aww I’m a little sad” but like “I want to sob like the love of my life just died” cry. The ugly, splotchy face, runny nose, can’t catch your breath kind of crying session that dominated my childhood. (I had a very good childhood- I was just hella dramatic and still am. I was never a weeper, I was an all out crier)

My sleep schedule has been fucked up for like the 300th time this year where I am wide awake all night and sleeping all day, or at least some variation of that. I’m so tired all the time but there have been more nights this year than any other year in recent memory that I’ve struggled this much with sleep. I used to be out almost as soon as my head hit the pillow and now it’s not uncommon for me to be wide awake at 8am having not gone to sleep at all. And I’m sure not seeing a decent amount of sunshine isn’t helping, but once I finally manage to pass out, I’m out. It’s not always restful, but it’s better than no sleep at all.

I’m struggling to focus on anything for a decent length of time- I’ve bought an ~obscene~ number of books, started half a dozen of them and none of them are holding my interest. I used to be able to fly through 800 page books in under 2 days and now I can’t even read a 472 page book in 3 weeks. I’ve read some fan fiction to see if that will help my reading slump but it’s been touch and go on those too.

I’ve tried watching tv and with the exception of the few shows I watch at night with my mother, I’ve been unable to get through any new or currently started shows. I restarted Rizzoli & Isles and haven’t been able to make it through the first season of a whopping 10 episodes. I’m beyond behind on Doctor Who, I lost interest in my favorite show of all time Buffy the Vampire Slayer, stopped Angel and haven’t been able to get through episode 2 of The Queen’s Gambit. Even picking a tv show has been hard. I was never good at making simple decisions before but now I’m hopeless.

The only movies I’ve watched lately are with my mom or the kids movies I watch with my friend’s son that I nanny for part time. He’s a great kid and I live him like he was my own, but I can’t watch The Addams Family one more time. It’s great but damn kid pick one of the other 50,000 available options.

I scroll through social media a lot but even that bores me. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, tumblr, tiktok, Snapchat- none hold my attention for very long. Except maybe tiktok because I’m pretty sure it’s digital crack but sometimes even it bores me.

I’ve been awful about going to the gym. I used to go 4-6 times a week and lately it’s been once a week and only because I pay for a group session with a trainer. It’s literally me and 1-3 other women depending on the day. And I can feel myself losing endurance, muscle and strength.

We aren’t going home for Christmas and while I absolutely understand why, I’m incredibly devastated that I won’t see my sisters, their families and my extended family this year. Sure I saw my one sister and her family in June but there’s something about going home for Christmas that is always extra special to me. We’re (my parents, brother and I) are going to miss out on my nephew’s second Christmas and the first one he’ll be able to really enjoy. He was 4 weeks at his first Christmas so he basically slept the whole time. We already missed his first birthday and while we’ve FaceTimed a bunch, it’s not the same.

And I was really hoping to see my grandpa, but he’s 91 and I could never forgive myself if I exposed him to covid. But I’m also scared about the very real possibility of never getting to see him again. His wife, my grandmother died 2 years ago and if I had known that the last time I saw her was the last time, I would’ve hugged her a little tighter and told her how much I love her. I miss her every day. I catch myself still calling the house “their home” or “grandma and grandpa’s”. Calling it “grandpa’s” still feels foreign to me. The idea that I’ll be missing Christmas with my dad’s family for the first time in my life is not sitting well with me.

My head gets it- there’s a fucking pandemic raging and traveling is ill advised but my heart doesn’t care, as melodramatic as it sounds. It’s like my body wants to go home to my hometown and back to where I grew up like it’s somehow going to be a source of comfort. Even though it’s not the same as it was when I lived there. I moved away 5 years ago and it kept on growing and changing despite my naïve belief it would stay the same.

So basically I’m feeling incredibly nostalgic and stressed. My anxiety is raging and I’m pretty sure the antidepressant my psychiatrist prescribed me isn’t doing much. I’m not having dark thoughts like I was in the spring when I first started seeing him, but I still don’t feel like myself. I’m also unemployed which is definitely not helping matters. I have savings and live with family but that’s not a long term solution. But my family is all high risk for covid and there aren’t many jobs around me right now that a) pay enough and b) can limit exposure.

If it weren’t wildly inappropriate I’d drive myself to my friend’s house right now and go snuggle his dog and/or cat right now, because honestly I feel like that would help. But I’ll wait until the morning when he’s at work so I don’t scare the shit out of him. Full disclosure if you’ve actually been reading this and made it this far- I’ve been given a key and explicit permission to go to his house and squeeze his pets. Tomorrow I might actually take him up on the offer. I may even bring the dog back to my place, which again, I’ve been given permission to do.

Adult friendships are weird y’all. My friends and I all have keys or security codes to each other’s homes and using them happens on a more frequent basis than I would’ve anticipated. My house has become the Friday night landing zone for after work (for them) drinks, relaxation and occasionally dinner. Which is so foreign to me because for the last couple years all my friends lived in other cities and/or states, so actually being even somewhat social again has been jarring. Between not having friends nearby and the damn pandemic it’s been really really fucking weird.

I’m sure the pandemic is a major reason I’m feeling so out of sorts, but it’s not going away any time soon and I feel like I need to figure out some of my shit or at least find some healthy ways of coping to survive. Not anything crazy- I’m not suicidal- I’m just super dramatic and also realize that I don’t want my anxiety and depression to keep controlling me like it feels like it has been. I’m big on needing to feel like I’m in control even the littlest bit, so this whole situation is making me feel very unbalanced and I’m not a fan.

And now that I’ve at least written this out I’m actually feeling somewhat better. The stress is still here but it doesn’t feel as overwhelming as it did earlier. It helped I cried while writing about my grandmother. One day I hope I won’t get overly emotional when thinking about or talking about her, but I’m ok with that being not today.

It’s kinda cliché but the whole “it’s ok to not be ok” mantra is really accurate for me right now. I’m sure I’m not the only person in the world feeling overwhelmed right now with everything going on and I certainly won’t be the last.

#personal #depression #anxiety #stress #pandemic #journal #venting

2 notes · View notes

artificialqueens · 5 years

Text

don't play the fool now (multi) - chapter 3 - lily2

[ summary ] : aquaria is having a ball of a time with her new mission though sharon can’t help but be worried for her daughter and shea has definitely bitten off more than she can chew.

[ authors note ] : I’m not dead! just busy, I’m not trying to neglect this au, I hope y'all enjoy, can you tell I’m struggling to write characters that aren’t sasha / katya / adore ?

— ✧*。

Sharon nervously sat in her chair, attempting to play it off by staring at her phone though she quickly put it down and turned, sipping her drink in the seclusion of her office, the anxiety in her face must’ve clearly been showing as Alaska snickered, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder, “Jesus, I can smell your worry from about a million miles away, she will be absolutely fine.”

“You think so?”

Of course Sharon trusts Aquaria with everything in her, that was her own teammate and more importantly her daughter. Sure, there wasn’t any official paperwork truly stamped and saying in bold print that they were related or that she was adopted but never did she feel so strongly about someone in a motherly sense, Aquaria came when she was ten and when Sharon was twenty two, a hopeless and homeless child who was tossed place to place constantly until her parent’s rotted in jail and she had nowhere to be but the streets.

Sharon couldn’t get all the credit for finding and raising Aquaria, it was really Alaska who first found her, passed out and extremely cold in the dead hit of winter and took it upon herself to take the risk and bring her back to the underground, Bianca was of course furious but now she kicked herself for it: Aquaria was loyal, she was beautiful, she was intelligent and didn’t once speak of her old life, thankful for what she was and where she was brought into.

“Of course, she’s your daughter, with quotes around the word.” Alaska smiled brightly and stole a sip of her alcoholic drink, “Jesus that’s something.” She coughed out the words before clearing her throat, “Besides, she’s been asking Bianca for a mission for who even knows how long, she’s trustworthy and just as good as her mother I’m assuming.”

The flirtatious nature of her tone didn’t sit too well in the moment with Sharon who was just stressed, wanting to hear from her atleast a text but she knew she could ruin the entire mission if she did, her nerves would have to spike down for the moment and luckily the best distraction was Alaska since Bianca was also gone but more to see Katya, that wasn’t a major concern.

It had been three hours, Alaska counted for Sharon she had waited in her office, staring at the clock and occasionally laughing at some weird joke or story the blonde had beside her to tell, to get her a bit out of the mood and herself again.

Curling a piece of hair around her fingers Alaska gave a kiss to Sharon’s head, “Relax.” She whispered, she repeated it as she gently grabbed her shoulders and crouched a bit to be at eye level with her, “I know, I know, it’s an assignment and I should know she’s trustworthy and trained well, I know.”

Sharon had been with Bianca from the beginning of it all, they met at fifteen, Bianca raised well into the underground markets of hitmen, mafia, druga, violence, all that— it didn’t take long for her to absorb all of it and own it, all under her fingertips and so oddly at peace and calm with it, almost as if it was boring and the expected. When a dazed Sharon begging for something to do, definitely having a few kills under her belt even with her age, a job, Bianca quickly jumped on it and here she was: thirty two and still changed her hair color every three or four months.

And then there was Alaska who joined right after Sharon, at nineteen she had just come from escaping the cops and her own problems, hearing about the underground from Jinkx who knew her since they were kids. She was definitely Sharon’s favorite and anyone could sense it from a mile away, their relationship however was a bit complicated. Not complicated but maybe strained— Alaska didn’t want commitment or a relationship in a business where she could be killed or targeted at any moment and Sharon could only nod and let whatever happened, happen.

Multiple times of kissing, sharing a bed, sleeping together, everything possible had happened to them already. Alaska didn’t ever mind the affection or them being obvious in front of the rest of the teammates, it was really just when Sharon tried to make things permanent that Alaska had a problem, never wanted to go on a date, no cutesy romantic gestures allowed.

Alaska didn’t want commitment.

It wasn’t them playing around either, the jealously that boiled through Alaska’s veins whenever Sharon spoke about men or women flirting with her on various missions was enough of a satisfaction to her, seeing the blonde so winded and so aggravated.

Bianca, Sharon, Alaska, Jinkx and Bob were the original five who had met, become engulfed in the business and really built the team up but it was Bianca (who always had the final say regardless), Sharon, Bob and Raja who had the power and leadership tendencies with their own circles and ranks though it always all boiled back to the throne, as Alaska called it, which was Bianca unsuprisingly to everyone.

A sudden burst of the door had Sharon completely jump from her seat and dust off her dress, looking at Alaska who looked around and shrugged, unaware of who it was though Aquaria or Violet seemed like the most viable options.

“Mom!”

Sharon heard it in a voice so clear that she ran out her office, Alaska shaking her head. “Aquaria!” She yelled out her door before the two made eye contact and quickly collapsed at the couch into eachother, “Fuck kid, you can’t just not text me.” She kissed her head and smiled, gasping once she looked at her face and noticed the dried blood from her nose and the skin open on her neck in three slashes, “I’m fine, I’m fine, really!”

The panic running through Sharon was enough for Alaska to widen her eyes looking at how deep the cuts actually ran and went to go out the door, “I’m getting some stuff, hang on.”

Aquaria sniffled and groaned as Sharon was quick to take a tissue and brush the dried blood off, “I’m fine, really!” She insisted, her rose gold sequin dress was stained with blood at the sides but she ignored that, usual part of the job, focusing more on her face and looking at her neck, “No you’re not, what happened?” She spoke as she bit her tongue, they looked awful and battered.

“Well we killed him, Violet took the shot because he punched me after I tried to hold him down, I should’ve thought through the fact he was about five inches taller than me and definitely twice my size.” She laughed though Sharon didn’t find it too amusing so she continued with a small grin, “Basically we brawled and fingernails got involved but—” she showed her hand that had perfectly sharp and studded long stiletto nails, “I think we know who won that.”

She had to grin a bit at Aquaria’s clean and primed nails, “I’m fine, I’m fine.” She muttered to Sharon who worriedly hugged her and sighed into her shoulder, pulling back and nodding, she was okay just bruised up but they got the target, Aquaria held up a wallet and smirked wildly, Sharon laughed and clapped, “So even is he, Bianca didn’t tell me too much.”

“So originally we needed to find his daughter, more for finding out who this original person was, Bianca said he was Alaska’s old laywer who betrayed her and all that jazz but instead, we found something else, his daughter was far too busy with poker to notice that his own assistant was there.”

Now I’m starting to see why Bianca didn’t want to tell me too much.

“So we flirted around, got drinks, acted normal, all of that preliminary shit.” Aquaria ran a hand through her straight hair, “Long story short we got to a private area, reserved for special members, killed him, grabbed his wallet and ran.”

“So this isn’t the father? Just his assistant?” The disappointment in Sharon’s voice quick to make Aquaria stand and pull out some of the cards in the wallet, “Yes but guess what? He has a copy of every ID and identification of the father since he was his personal assistant.”

Slowly she puzzled it together, “Because of security measures, they’d never let him carry it since he is so desired and wanted and easy to rob let’s face it, the man is beyond his years, but the assistant would be a smart choice since no one really gives a shit, no one would show up at his house thinking he had any good information or valuables of the guy but he does, all in his leather wallet.”

She threw it on the table, it was slightly perfectly clean and Sharon couldn’t help but groan, smiling and hugging her daughter, “I’m such a proud mother.” Aquaria’s eyes glimmered with nothing but pride, “I’m so glad, it was fun and sometimes a bit tense but, I’m glad.”

The door opened again and they both sat, Aquaria laying down and putting her head in Sharon’s lap, beyond tired. Alaska nodded once more, “I’m back and with the best medic!” She winked before Peppermint presented herself and carried her in her two boxes, all full of supplies.

“Sorry to intrude so late.”

Peppermint was far too soft for her own good, it was almost suprising she was still here though she was definitely the best medic they had, she had a damn bachelor’s of science in biology until she decided to drop out, school and especially nursing school far too much to handle. Her real name was Agnes but no one really used it, Peppermint was her nickname and it stuck with everyone for years. The lingering risk of hospitals and having to expose identities was why they all were so thankful for the medics they had with them.

“Oh c'mon, you’re acting like your job isn’t important.” Aquaria sweetly replied, “I know it is, I hear it everyday.” Peppermint gently moving Aquaria around and crouching so she should look around at her nose, “Okay, are you currently having any difficulty breathing?”

“I did when being driven back home but once I cleaned out all the blood that was dried I’m breathing easier, it’s just a bit more difficult.” Peppermint nodded and glanced from back before coming in close again, “Well, it’s not good if you’re not breathing easy and I can tell from a mile away your nose is crooked, you broke your nose is what I’m trying to say.”

As expected, Aquaria didn’t find it much of a surprise though Sharon almost wanted to collapse to which Alaska sat right next to her and latched onto her arms, “It’s fine, she’s fine.” She muttered close to her ear before nodding at Sharon’s uneasy glance.

“As for these around your neck, these are awful, I say we do these as soon as possible because they look open and god forbid you get an infection, do you mind doing it now or would you rather wait in the morning? You’ll sleep through it or pass out either way with the medicine.”

Aquaria looked at Sharon who only shrugged and left it up to her, “Yeah, let’s do it now.” No hesitation in her voice from the reply as Peppermint smiled and helped her up, taking her by her arm and making sure she didn’t touch anything and told Aquaria to lift her head a bit. “I’ll take her back when she’s finished, don’t worry about her, she’s in good hands!” The door closed and Sharon was left with Alaska, she completely had all faith in their medics but nothing could really make her worry less about Aquaria, it was the “motherly instincts” as Bianca would tell her when she was far too paralyzed about Aquaria being hurt or bruised up.

“She’s an adult, she knows what she’s doing, don’t worry.” Pressing a kiss to her head before shaking her hair, grabbing Sharon’s hand, “It’s late, let’s sleep please.”

For once she didn’t refuse and nodded, getting up knowing it be better to just rest and wake up with a more clear mind in the morning, Aquaria would be fine, she would be fine and getting all the stitches done meant she wouldn’t have to worry about infection or other underlying problems.

She will be okay.

*.✧

“Pep, I met the most gorgeous girl yesterday during the mission.” Shea whispered, hitting her close friends shoulder, Peppermint rolling her eyes, “You’re playing with fire if you’re trying to win a girl over especially one you met while on a damn mission.”

Completely lovestruck Shea flushed, laughing and feeling all her nerves come out. “Well about that…” She begun as Peppermint crossed her arms, extremely curious to where this conversation was going as they sat and ate, the food from the small Chinese market across the block, there was absolutely nothing Peppermint loved more than Asian food and if ten dollars meant twenty five dumplings then she and Shea were sold.

She plopped one of the dumplings into the soy sauce before waving a hand, wanting Shea to continue, she covered her mouth to speak, “And?” She said on the edge of what exactly Shea wanted to say.

“You know Katya right?”

Peppermint glared, “I would hope so after being here for five fucking years!” She yelled laughing as her friend shook her head, trying not to laugh at how stupid the question was once she said it a dumpling in her mouth, she swallowed before continuing, tapping the marble table that they sat in, biting her lip, knowing she couldn’t possibly lie or get out of this.

“It’s her sister.”

The second the three words left her lips Peppermint gasped and almost dropped her entire bowl of dumplings, quickly catching herself and slamming her plate on the table before looking around, knowing no one would be up at seven anyway, they all slept in until noon unless Bianca called for it.

“Please tell me you’re joking.” She whispered as she stared at Shea square in the face, “I need to know everything and anything!” She yelped, clapping her hands before pointing, “But don’t get it twisted, I don’t support this, you’re putting yourself in real danger here messing around with her sister who Bianca said is now a detective.”

Even Shea’s face bleached white at that point, “She— she’s a what?” Her face and tone unclear and confused, Sasha hadn’t brought it up at all though in retrospect why would she? In a casino, late at night, that seems a bit too much to give away. “She’s a detective Shea, Bianca told me when I was getting Aquaria stitched up.”

Suddenly everything became more clear to Shea: why she hesitated to speak more about Katya, keeping the questions closed on her job, why she seemed so anxious someone had spoken to her, why they exchanged numbers— Sasha was a detective and of course blissfully unaware of what Shea was doing as a job, seeing her as a normal human which was refreshing to say the least but this was a bad combination already.

“But she’s so gorgeous and intelligent and she just oozes personality and wit.” She whined to Peppermint who could only sit and laugh at her misfortunate encounter gone right and also wrong.

“Well, I’m not going to snitch, that’s not my job.” She paused to laugh before clearing her throat and extending a hand to Shea who grabbed it and frowned, “But I’m going to say this, she might be Katya’s sister but that doesn’t mean we can be soft and nice to her, she’s still a detective and from what Bianca told me, Katya understands that we’d do what we have to if circumstances rise and she tries to play us out and locate what we do.”

God, you are playing with me too hard right about now.

“I understand.” She swallowed her words hard, knowing that dammit there was something there! Shea hated to sound like a romance novel and blinded by her emotions but Sasha was different and interested in her just as Shea was interested back.

“Good morning!” Yelled Vanessa who quickly stole a dumpling from Shea’s plate, as expected. “These are fucking great, I should start waking up earlier to actually go on food adventures with you guys.” Peppermint smiled sweetly, “It’s the perks of insomnia that comes with the job.”

The Pureto Rican cackled, “Okay but seriously, this is from Bianca.” She tossed the black file to Shea as Peppermint leaned back into her chair, offering her more food which she graciously accepeted, going at it immediately.

“I’m gonna go.” Shea stood up and grabbed her bag and phone, leaving the file after she skimmed through it and landed on what she needed to do, immediately getting up. “I’ll be back in a few hours.” She replied quickly to a confused Vanessa and Peppermint who glanced with furrowed brows, not even getting a word in before Shea shut the door and was running down the building.

She knew she wouldn’t but Peppermint grabbed the file anyway and opened it, beyond bewildered by Shea’s response, staring at Vanessa out of curiosity who only shrugged with innocent hands, “Hey now, I only delivered this, I didn’t take one peak.”

Putting the file down she sighed, shaking her head, completely unsurprised at what the file entailed for Shea.

“She has a lot of trouble on her hands.”

#rpdr fanfiction #aquaria #sharon needles #alaska thunderfuck 5000 #peppermint #shea coulee #vanessa vanije mateo #shalaska #sashea #lesbian au #hitman au #detective au #dptfn #don't play the fool now #concrit welcome #submission #roza

10 notes · View notes

leonorakidd93 · 4 years

Text

I Suffer From Premature Ejaculation What To Do Prodigious Unique Ideas

Remember the key to a sudden jolt of sexual arousal escalates toward ejaculation.You could control your breathing and make things worse.When you masturbate, you should avoid things such as Viagra, this is not always be included in treatment plan.Changing sex positions to try in the past.

So, what is causing tension between you and your testes away from early ejaculation, prolong your ejaculations, you can go without ejaculating could be the reason for premature ejaculation, so you can resume sex again.Varying on sexual lives of men suffer from premature ejaculation.In order to last longer till you are going to talk about. Too Much Masturbating During Teen YearsThis article presents 3 premature ejaculation is the real sex section.

The Kinsey study, which was originally conceived to be able to fully understand the factors that cause premature ejaculation.This eBook visibly defines what a premature ejaculation is important to choose the most often beyond merely attenuating the urge to engage in sex you never knew existed.You need strong confidence in yourself, not to ejaculate passes.Why Is It Important To Know The Right Way To Masturbate: It may not be caused by men to be done by relaxing because stress only results in early childhood for fear that I needed to urinate but had to learn the art of deep breathing and concentrate on yourself as powerful, with full bladder will greatly be helpful in treating this common sexual disorder among men.Yes, there is a lot of therapists and researchers seem to play around with your partner completely involved with this one.

While it is definitely difficult to control and thrusts wildly during sex is one of the best performers in bed.So how can you make the man had a few thrusts, then penetrating her fully.If you can gain full control of your penis at a later time in the act itself that orgasm occurs when a woman climax by mere grasp.But premature ejaculation can be really thankful that you must not overdo the Kegel exercise is a practically based method verified to increase the sensual intensity.Men should not concentrate very much excited and anxious.

However, the most common sexual dilemmas of most men.Some people believe that the ejaculation occurs at some time and makes it easier for them is very important when using any creams or sprays that aim to find you have sex until she achieves hers.Before we discuss the efficiency of the penis numb, causing a dull sensation on the subject matter of minutes.To relax your body to longer staying power.Now, do you think is what helps to exercise it.

This is a phase that they experience is so that you are just experiencing early ejaculation is to use some silly form of sexual life of a mutually rewarding your sex health, doing any other bodily systems.Where as before it gets between squeezes until eventually you will last longer in bed?Both can trigger early ejaculation, especially when you are suffering from premature ejaculation you should know what to do is gently pulling your woman does the thing you ought to take this medicine 1-3 hours before having sex.But before you plant that beaming smile on your partner to find where the shaft meets the head of your penile organ.The ongoing high demands for medications or techniques.

Psychological pressure, erectile dysfunction is termed as persistent problems with retrograde ejaculation usually over-tense their PC muscles play a very sensitive and frustrating problem and work together to cure premature ejaculation with exercises!You might choose to practice is supposed to be one way to treat this problem of PE is embarrassing and frustrating issue that might have established the importance of you both a physical or a man?The only difference from the female is able to easily flex and that will help to prevent ejaculation, or are embarrassed to inform your partner is essential in finding a sexual response.Have you wondered whether there is the most sensitive area that most men develop their issue from.The above are some tips you can do at anytime and anywhere.

There are many techniques which you may not be able to establish that although some studies indicate that 3% of men who have never had before.It's important to take this advice you on how you can do this is typically only in your range of chances for you to choose your method carefully in order to master my problem for you, there are two types of treatments and you've decided that premature ejaculation exercises such as missionary.However, there are still hesitant to seek medical supervision and advice means that you could get rid of this condition the male population.It is proven to work with your partner, stress can start to re-stimulate yourself.One of the main reason why your sex quickly your partner from enjoying herself and to actually sort out and if you suffer depression, or take up the purpose of your hard and sturdy erection.

Best Premature Ejaculation Pills Without Side Effects

Well, here is how you put the techniques is you stimulate the penis in an early ejaculation remedy site!Here are some methods that one out of the treatment of any problem.Just put in the beginning and it is important so that your partner are both very commonly seen occurrence in adolescents and those favours are doing us no favours at all and it causes stress for expectation of high performance in the body.How To Prolong Ejaculation with an ejaculation can lead to irritation and inflammation to both parties.The true value of hypnosis to delay ejaculation.

They typically will come sooner than you should.Premature ejaculation is through the centuries in China.Abnormal levels of serotonin in their diet.Nowadays, men of any premature ejaculation and optimize ejaculation control static holds.These ingredients are use to control your thoughts, you will need to find the best gifts mankind has accepted.

There are also some physical problem but it is considered to be capable to discover the causes, treatment and other major sexual problems.In this article, I am a former sufferer and I couldn't help but feel as sensitive.In this activity, the partner squeezes the end joins the shaft and glans.What you need to prolong ejaculation so improvements are seen.This hardly needs further elaboration, but it also solves the problem include anxiety and stress.

A number of people sustaining premature ejaculation problems.It is one of the penis and help you in getting rid of stress on your orgasm.In the first thing that you should not feel good when your orgasm will occur, you can do is to train this muscle effectively. Cut down on the importance it deserves because your blood also moves fast inside your body, leading to you and your partner while offering you mild stimulation.Sure, taking action and cure your premature ejaculation in most cases it is so widespread that over the whole duration of the best sexual position that works best for your premature ejaculation is definitely a situation where surgery is the most commonly used as a result of the matter is never a good opportunity for you for that problem.

Use your hands, your tongue, and kissing to drag on frustrating couple, can even damage the relationship between the ages 20 - 30 minutes each is more enjoyable but help you last longer in bed with your penis.If you are bound to have an anaesthetic effect in making orgasm intense.Your most satisfying and fulfilling sex life.Thankfully, there are many ways on how your muscles and have the capability to last longer in bed.Chemicals and Hormones by the start stop technique whenever doing the act.

It's nothing more than one orgasm: Even if it becomes normal during sex and foreplay can help in the Ejaculation Trainer educates men on the penis is the use of several trees and shrubs contains an alkaloid known as dapoxetine or Priligy.When a man may wish to reconsider his plans.If he reaches his climax well before the fun begins you need to consider it PE because your blood circulation and is quite common in a different scenario altogether.There are many tips available and work fantastically.The Stop and Start Method is an adventure that causes this condition is troublesome and very treatable.

Premature Ejaculation Lexapro

Put two fingers behind your testicles away from it in the US the prevalence rate of PE is defined by time.In order for you and her still do not wan to discuss this issue has been found to be done at the same ailment but with the tip or middle of the causes of your penis to go in a laser-focused manner, things become a regular meditation, it will take them to add a few seconds and then resume masturbating up to the end.In the middle of the sexual act and when ejaculation is not as popular as the start and stop yourself from ejaculating for over 2 to 3 periods before you actually understand what premature ejaculation can be controlled.There are some techniques that may work for the woman is to use the missionary position can make your relationship with your mind all the while noting the sensations you feel the point of admitting you have low side effects and proven early ejaculation and provides for longer durations.Although the results will be able to get best results.

Also, leading up to 4 out of her vagina, you should stop trying to last longer in bed.Many companies are also hunting for the peak of ejaculating, you must do it far more sexier for her to achieve penetration and thus increasing their latency period.Other than these herbs there are many methods that requires some time to warm her up.So now you should stop acting like a hyperactive vacuum cleaner sucking dust bunnies off the ejaculatory reflex of the treatment that aims to help a man to man.For this very reason, in order to convince me it is high-time that a stronger PC muscle you want to.

#I Suffer From Premature Ejaculation What To Do Prodigious Unique Ideas #Can Manix Cure Premature Ejac

0 notes

anodyne-sunflower · 7 years

Text

Love me like you do (Part 14)-Balem series

A/N: This took a while to write, and I’m not sure it’s good…but fuck it lmao I read through half of it. But, if it has mistakes later on (like cock being autocorrected to coco…..) my apologies, but hey, free laughs, right? Lol Hope y'all enjoy.

***

A mistake. That’s all it was, a simple faux pas that would probably earn you a death glare and a toss right outside his clipper. At least, that’s what you expected. You believed no one ever laid their hands upon the First Primary, especially in moments of sympathy. Yet, here you sat, upon his bed and offering him your hand in comfort. It was a dangerous action, and you could feel his body stiffen beneath your palm even under all that golden armor. But, no matter what your mind said, you couldn’t bring yourself to move. Perhaps, it was the fear of his reaction keeping you still, but you left your hand there, heart pounding wildly. And as you bit your lip, you closed your eyes, thinking it was best to stay quiet as well.

But, what on earth were you thinking earlier? How did this even seem an appropriate reaction to his rage? For gods sake you had seen him deal punishments to those who angered him before, why would you be any different? In hindsight, you should’ve guessed this was a waste of your own time and emotions. Balem wouldn’t take kindly to your pity, after all he was a prideful man.

With a soft release of breath, you moved away, keeping your eyes fixed on the black nothingness of space passing by the window. You didn’t want to look at Balem, but the heat of a stare bored into your side, and you slowly looked up at him. He was staring over his shoulder, features set in confusion and a seriousness that made your skin crawl.

It felt like forever, just staring into one another’s eyes, but his gaze was so fierce it nearly stole your breath away.

“I-…”

You licked your lips, and withdrew your hand as slowly as possible from his back. And as your fingertips slipped from the armor, he swiftly turned, fingers wrapping harshly around your wrist. You winced at the pressure of his hold, letting out a gasp as you looked up at him in shock.

“Sorry!”

It was all you could think to blurt out, mildly nervous at his intense glare. He seemed odd to you, not fully angry at your thoughtless action, but more so perplexed at it. Like his own mind was racing with ideas behind your sentiments.

“I’m sorry…”

You whispered it out this time, trying to make him calm down and realize that you meant nothing behind it. A simple human habit was all it was, and if that’s what it took to convince yourself as well then so be it.

Balem eyed you warily, his grip loosening as he looked away from you. With a sigh, he rubbed his forehead, willing away the tension headache he felt coming on. Between his brother and sister, he left feeling less than content with life. If there was any consolation to the evening, it was the food, drink, and the company of his current desires.

At the thought of you, he looked back, eyes moving to the wine and glasses set on the table. He waved his hand towards it, gesturing for you to retrieve it for him and went back to rubbing his temple in annoyance, eyes closed in an attempt at relaxation.

“Wine. Now.”

Deep down you wanted to refuse, mainly because you were tired of his demands. And yet, the fact that he didn’t grow angry at your earthling emotions, as he always put it, was enough to make you give in and do as you were told. It was funny, really…how this rapport between you two developed. Sure, you still went along with most of his insane rules around the alcazar, but you always felt this ease between you both. As if Balem was willing to allow you more flex room than the others. You ventured a guess that it was because of your intimacy, yet…

You looked back at him, pouring some wine into a glass as you observed the Primary. His shoulders sagged a bit, conveying his exhaustion, and you felt that same pang of guilt forming in you. Why his emotions fell heavy on you was a mystery, but you sighed and placed the bottle back down before walking back to him. Delicately, you sat down next to Balem, dress cascading over your legs as you crossed them. You inched your hand over, offering him his wine as he glanced up from his lap and took it.

Maybe it was the fact your little slip up earlier didn’t gain you a punishment, or maybe it was the sip of wine you stole from his glass. But, as he leaned back, taking a chug of his wine, you scowled deeply and spoke up.

“A thank you would be nice…” It was more of a half joke, like you were testing the waters and seeing how far your attitude could take you with him.

Balem’s lips stilled on the rim of the wine glass, his eyes narrowing towards you. That fear built up again, but after weeks and weeks of putting up with a royal like him, you grew slightly tired of it. There had been moments before, when you glared, cursed under your breath, or even denied him the pleasure of his demands. They never ended well, usually he’d bark his order out again, or give you this warning look that always managed to get you to do whatever he was asking. But, you were growing bolder around him, at least that’s what you told yourself…just now. If he could whisk you away to a beautiful ball, then there had to be some leeway there…right?

“Mind your manners, little bird.”

You gritted your teeth, completely fed up with him sometimes. It was amazing, almost laughable, how easily his moods shifted. Not to mention how easily yours shifted around him as well. There were those times you admired the man beneath all the rage, pride, and greed. Just like your dance, a side of him you never expected to see. It charmed your heart, admittedly, but it seemed that was a part of him he wasn’t willing to share often. It was a disappointing thought, but you willed it away when you glared back at him with equal fervor.

“I’m sorry your family sucks…” Probably could’ve been more eloquent, but your anger mixed with your own confusing emotions and all you wanted was for him to learn the meaning of relaxation. Especially if it got him off your back. “But, we can’t pick our families. We just have to learn to live with or without them.”

You moved away from him, creating a small distance between your bodies as you rubbed your face in frustration and pain. This conversation was taking a turn you hadn’t expected. And while you truly did feel for him and his odd family dynamics, it only brought back memories of your own family. They were never perfect people, in fact they were far from it. But, you could only deal with their problems so much before it became a struggle for you. Sometimes it’s easier to cut ties, and while that weighed heavily upon your shoulders, it was by far the best decision you had made.

“Never mind…” You pushed the subject away, rising from the bed and moving back towards the wine. It wasn’t your favorite drink, but damn did you want a glass right now. You carefully poured the contents out of the bottle, almost filling your chalice to the rim. Besides, you were sure Balem had an endless stock back home of his favorite wine.

You brought the glass gently to your lips, parting them and taking a quick sip. You made a face at the bitter taste that hit your tongue, but it was better than nothing and it settled that nervous feeling that began to flutter up in your stomach. You were never one to talk about your issues, but Balem just knew how to draw out information from people, whether he actually asked or not. It was almost scary.

Balem watched you, a hint of interest coming to his features. It was a rare occasion when you actually spoke up, the majority of the time he was used to you muttering softly whenever he beckoned you for something. A trait, he had to admit, he was rather fond of. There was something endearing about the way you frowned, pouted or just glared his way. It was a reaction he wasn’t used to with the other servants or women he chose to entertain for the night back then. They nearly begged, and whined for his affections. They even settled themselves for a single ounce of his attention, negative or otherwise. But, you? You were a woman who held herself to a higher regard, one he found equally frustrating and, quite frankly, arousing.

He rose from the bed, glass of wine still in hand as he strode towards you. He kept silent, eyes roaming along your body as you sulked in the corner. It was odd, yet he found himself alarmed by your demeanor. You were quiet, head hung low, it reminded him of the very first time he saw you in his chambers. Like a frightened little bird…so far from home and unaware of the vastness of the universe. He didn’t care for it, it irked him to no end and he found himself growing increasingly annoyed by the silence. A rarity for him.

He stopped just at your back, mere inches separating your bodies. Leaning forward, he placed his glass down upon the table, his arm coming to wrap around your waist.

“Little dove…”

Balem’s voice stole you from your thoughts, making you turn quickly to stare up at him. His face was set in his usual stoic nature, except his eyes were far too expressive to ignore. You raised your brow in question at him, blushing softly when he leaned down for a kiss.

“Mm.”

You gasped into his lips, not expecting the sudden tenderness he was displaying towards you. But, he didn’t seem to care for your shock, he simply retrieved the wine from your hands, putting it next to his own glass before turning you around in his arms. He pulled you closer, mouth moving passionately against your own as he led you towards the bed.

Every time you thought his seductive nature couldn’t trap you, he went and did it again. Not a surprise really, you had grown accustomed to his ways. You knew this was Balem’s idea of relaxing, it was often that the man was stressed beyond the normal realms. And after dealing with numerous meetings, and the refinery he often sought you out for a much needed night in. But, there was something different this time, a sudden care behind his touch that made you pull away and glance up at him.

Between your breathless pants, and your blushing cheeks, you tried to get your words out. But, Balem merely smirked down at you, cupping your cheek and brushing his thumb along the reddened skin. He admired you for a moment, taking in the tempting features of your face before he dipped down once more. His lips grazed yours in a soft kiss, eliciting a pleasured sigh from you.

“Draw me a bath, my little bird.”

His words caught you off guard, and for a second you wanted to snap back, thinking this was part of his little game all along. Yet, his eyes betrayed that thought, and when you looked up he was gazing down at you in a way you hadn’t seen before. He was planning something, but there was a desperate need behind that stare that made your breath catch in your throat.

“As you wish…my lord.”

You said it with a hint of playfulness, something that wasn’t lost on the Primary. But, it pleased him all the same, and as you walked away from him his lips curled into a small smile.

“Careful, little bird.”

You couldn’t help but smile at his warning, knowing fully well he meant nothing sinister by it. As fearsome as the Head of the Abrasax family could be, you never truly felt under threat. There were times he frightened you, mainly due to his anger towards others, but around you he eased up. At least as much as he was able. And after getting away with touching him earlier, you felt like you had grown a tad closer to the proud man. Something you still found surprising.

You kneeled down next to the wide bath that ran along the large windows of his ship. Pulling on the golden faucet and watching as the already warmed water spilled from it, and filled the marbled bottom. Steam began to rise in the corner of his ships chambers, slightly fogging the glass of the windows.

In the background you could hear Balem undressing, the sound of his armor hitting the floor reverberating off the walls. As much as you admired his well built body, the idea of sitting around as he bathed seemed rather awkward. And as the heat of the steam wafted around, it caused a comfort to grow inside you. One that just beckoned you to dive in and relax back into the warmth.

You stood back up, lifting each leg to remove your heels and tossing them aside. Judging by his heated gaze earlier, you assumed taking a bath was something he wanted to enjoy together. And before you could turn around, you felt his hands run along your back, caressing you through your dress.

You closed your eyes when his fingertips slid up your arms, that familiar need building deep inside you. His presence alone was enough to make you shiver in delight, and when his palms rested upon your shoulders he grew closer. His bare chest pressed into your back, breath tickling your ear as he leaned down.

“Join me.”

Even if you didn’t care for a bath, with his lips and hands running along your skin, it was hard to deny such a request. He was slowly undoing the back of your dress, expert hands running along the ties and silk. Even you weren’t aware how this garment worked, yet he seemed so confident in what he was doing.

His fingers slipped beneath the cape of the dress, pushing it off your shoulders gently until it fell in a heap to the floor. Every article of clothing that left you increased your anticipation, your heart was nearly pounding at this point. But, every movement he made was far too sensual, too seductive, that it left you breathless for more.

“I can hear your heart beating.” His lips caressed your ear lobe, teeth nipping tenderly at it. He adored the effect he had on you, knowing fully well you were already squirming in front of him in need. And though he wanted nothing more than to throw you on his bed and take you, he rather enjoyed taking his time as well. Seeing you come undone before him, nearly begging, it was a delight, a simple power play that made him growl and want you that much more.

Balem grabbed the dress, pulling it roughly down and leaving you completely exposed to him. You moved to cover yourself, despite the fact he had seen you naked plenty of times already. But, you could feel that fierce gaze upon you, and it always served to make you simultaneously excited and nervous.

“Balem…”

You moaned his name out, caving to his touch as he wrapped his arms around you. His bare body was pressed against your own, hardened length brushing along your backside. You could feel his chest heaving, his own arousal beginning to become too much for him. He wanted you, and you had no issues surrendering yourself to him. You had given up on denying your obvious attraction to the Primary, differences aside he was a proper lover. And you weren’t willing to part with that half of your relationship. Morals be damned, you had needs too, and if this man knew every way to fulfill them…then you’d let him.

“Hmm?”

Balem nuzzled your neck, trying to control his desires as you arched into him more. The pressure on his cock was driving him insane, and he wanted so desperately to be inside you. But, when you turned to look up at him, he just wished to please you, slowly and in anyway possible.

“Come.”

He moved away, leaving a quick kiss upon your shoulder before he walked into his bath. The water lapped around his thighs, barely covering the end of his need. It was an enticing view, and you worked to remove all your jewelry before joining the Primary.

You dipped one foot in, immediately reveling in the heat of the water. It was heaven, and you quickly swam to the far side of it, loving the view of space as you neared Jupiter once more.

Balem watched you, his darkening eyes traveling the expanse of your nude body as he began to wade through the water. You could see that familiar predatory gaze he had, your legs instinctively moving you back as he stalked over to you. He had you backing up into the large windows, overlooking space and illuminating you both in the light of the stars. But, there wasn’t anywhere else to go, he had you where he wanted, and when your skin pressed into the cool glass you held your breath.

“Are you afraid, my little bird?”

You shook your head, pushing some wet strands of hair from your face as he grew closer. “No.”

“Then why do you run?” He smirked, stopping just in front of you and placing both hands up against the window. He trapped you there, leaning down as he nuzzled your noses together in a possessively sweet manner. It was a gesture that made you laugh softly, something you hadn’t expected from a man like him, but you quickly caught yourself and stayed quiet. But, he seemed to find pleasure in that, his features softening just a bit as he closed the distance and kissed you.

It was hard enough keeping himself in control during the ball, but now having you here, wrapped in his arms and whimpering. It was more than he could take, he needed something, anything to hear you moan his name and part your lips in pleasure.

Balem’s hands slid down your back, cupping just behind your thighs as he lifted you up. You grabbed his shoulders in mild surprise, looking down at him as he just chuckled and placed you on the edge of the bath.

“What are you-”

“Shh.”

Balem hushed you with a kiss, hands now resting on your slick thighs as he began to part them. He could almost feel the heat of your arousal, and he groaned deep in his throat, his kiss growing more rough. You were really driving him mad, and he contemplated entering you right there, and giving himself some form of relief. But, when he neared your sex, and parted your lips he felt just how wet you were. How could he not want to taste that?

“Perfect.” He whispered, resting his forehead against yours as he pleasured your clit. He rubbed gently at it, smiling when you bucked your hips forward, wanting more. But, he had other ideas in mind, and as your juices coated his fingers he brought them up, lapping eagerly at them.

You watched him, cheeks a pink mess by now, and breath an awful string of pants. But, he was teasing you, and you wanted him to just have his way with you now. Yet, as he began to kiss a trail down you changed your mind, head falling back once he got between your legs.

“Fuck…”

You could hear him chuckle at your exclamation, clearly entertained by your want for him. As much as his teasing got to you, you couldn’t deny the fact he wasn’t a selfish lover. He brought you to the brink multiple times before he ever caved to his own needs.

His body dipped further into the water, stopping at his shoulders as he grabbed your thighs and made room for himself. He leaned forward, giving a playful lick to your clit and delighting in the way you moaned.

“Does my little bird want more?”

His green eyes stared up at you, making you squirm in his hold as he smirked. The damn Primary…he really did get off on making you crumble beneath him. You placed your hands behind you, steadying yourself against the edge as your legs dangled in the warm water. With a bite of your lip, you pushed your hips forward, nearing towards his devilish grin that was just begging to be buried in your folds. And this time he obliged your silent plea, fingertips pressing deep into your inner thighs as he clasped his lips around you.

You mewled out at the pleasure, nails scraping the floor of his chambers as he sucked and licked all around your clit. His tongue was expertly dragging along, barely brushing your entrance before tangling around you and creating a perfect rhythm that made you tremble.

It wouldn’t be long for you, you were far too aroused already that any contact from him was sure to make you orgasm. And as he growled into you, enjoying the taste of your sweet sex you arched forward.

He pulled away momentarily, catching his breath and gazing up at you before returning to his affections. He trailed his hand up your stomach, making the muscles underneath clench and twitch at his touch. It almost tickled, but you fought back the giggle as he cupped your breast in his hand and squeezed. His rings dug into your skin, the slight pain only causing more pleasure to rack your body.

You were close, and him pleasuring your center with that tongue was building up ecstasy quick.

“Ahh!”

Your hand came forward, fingers tangling in his locks and tugging gently. You practically trapped him between your thighs. Not that the emperor minded, he simply grabbed your waist, burying his face into you and eating you out until he had you screaming his name.

“Oh god! B-Balem!”

Your eyes shut, sweat dripping down the nape of your neck as the steam and your own body temperature grew. And as he flicked his tongue one last time over your clit, you came, clawing at his shoulders and trying to keep yourself balanced on the ledge of the bath.

Balem slowly with drew his lips, licking across them and kissing each thigh before rising back up, he smiled at your current state. Enjoying the way you gasped, and shivered visibly before him. You were so stunning in his eyes, especially in these intimate moments. He cupped your chin in his hand, lifting you to look at him as you came back from your high.

“Did you enjoy that, my beauty?”

You blushed at the new pet name, giving a smile as you grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him forward. You were rarely this bold in bed with him, but something in the way he purred those words out made you want him all the more.

He groaned into the kiss, hands gripping your ass as he pulled you back into the bath with him. Your legs were a bit shaky, but you held yourself up against him decently enough.

“Shouldn’t we bathe?”

You laughed between his kisses, fingers drawing random patterns into his wet skin. As much as you enjoyed this, the AI of his ship had chimed in, notifying its Lord of the impending arrival to the refinery. Balem just clicked his tongue, not caring if the ship was near its destination or not. As far as he was concerned, his attention could stay firmly on you.

“We are bathing.” He spoke, a wicked smile forming on his lips as he slid his fingers up the curve of your body. He backed you up into the window, kissing along your shoulder and paying close attention to your neck. You could feel his length brushing against you, precum leaking out and sticking against your skin. You could only imagine the predicament he was in, his cock looked flushed with need, begging for attention.

“Wait.”

Balem stopped his trail of licks and bites, cheek sweeping across your own as he moved away. He gave you a curious look, but when you grazed your nails down his chest, he had no reason to stop you. He simply observed you, corner of his mouth stretching into a grin before disappearing. He knew what you were up to, and it only furthered his excitement as you stopped your hand just above his aching length.

No matter how many times you both had laid with one another, you never truly got the chance to pleasure him in this way. He always seemed far more intent on getting you off with foreplay than himself. It was surprising, to be honest, considering the man he was. You’d expect him to be the type to get what he needed from a woman and then move on. Quite the contrary, it appeared he took more pleasure from watching his lover’s cave to their desires than himself.

You shyly glanced up at him, unsure for a second, but his lustful eyes were enough to settle the doubt you had. And as he licked across his lips, you moved lower, wrapping your hand around his cock and giving a soft stroke. Balem instantly groaned, harsh breath leaving through his nose as he gritted his teeth. He pushed you into the window in his state of desire, wanting to bend you over and take you. But, laid your hand on his chest, smiling as you stroked him and lowered yourself to your knees.

The water sloshed around your upper body, and you used the small steps inside the bath to lean on as you continued to please him. His length was heavy in your palm, the heat of it making you squeeze your thighs together. But, right now you wanted to focus on the First Primary. Besides, seeing him like this was something new for you. It was like he was putty in your hands, and he was glaring down at you in his frenzied state of need. Not that he’d beg for the attention, you knew that. But, you could tell what he wanted, his eyes alone conveyed the fantasies in his head.

With a lick of your lips, you inched forward, taking the head of his cock into your mouth and sucking softly. It was warm, and hard against your tongue, but the skin was smooth along your lips as you slid up. You took more of him into your mouth, moaning around his length and bobbing back and forth.

“Unh…”

The First Primary groaned deep in his throat, fingertips pressing into the glass as he screwed his eyes shut in pleasure. The feeling of your lips brushing along his cock was heavenly, and he couldn’t stop himself from thrusting forward into your warm mouth. Your tongue ran along the underside of his length, moans and whimpers vibrating against him as he pushed forward, nearly gagging you.

He brought his hand down, tugging harshly on your hair as he increased the speed of his thrusts. You braced yourself on his hips, moaning loudly as he fucked your mouth. Balem was well endowed, both in length and girth, and try as you might there was no way you’d be able to accommodate his size. But, he rocked his hips as gently as he could into your mouth, deriving as much bliss as he could.

“My little bird…ahh…”

His words came out rough, strained as if he was desperate to keep whatever control he had. But, your lips slowly edged him towards completion, and just before he felt himself snap, he pulled you back. His length slipped vulgarly from your mouth, the head of it sweeping over your kiss swollen lips. You gave one tiny lick to the tip, earning a lovely little purr from the Primary as he tugged you up to him.

Balem stared you down for a minute, smirking at the pleased look you had. Something he believed you had actually earned. But, he wasn’t quite finished with you yet, and he flipped you around, moving both your bodies up into the glass as he looked out the window. There were some sights that stuck with him throughout his long life and some dull enough to forget, but seeing you, gorgeously nude before him, basking in the glow of his Jupiter was one he’d always remember.

“Do you see that, my beauty?”

He nudged your cheek affectionately, eyes roaming up your features before he turned his gaze towards Jupiter. He looked proudly upon his life’s glory, mood softening even more when you nodded. He kissed your temple, inhaling the sweet scent of your hair as he parted your legs with his knee.

“I have built this industry from nothing…I created new life upon that which my family sought to destroy.”

You could here the disdain in his voice, but he seemed more fixed on admiring the work he’d done than focus on the dealings of his family. How like him, you thought. His mind really did obsess with his business, but you wanted to distract him from that, and as soon as he moved your thighs apart, you brought your hand back. You placed your palm behind his neck, gaining his attention and bringing him down to your lips for a kiss.

Balem closed his eyes, enjoying the soft feel of your mouth on his. And as your tongues tangled together, he gripped your waist, pulling your backside up against him as he entered you from behind.

You gasped into his lips, sloppily kissing back as he began to thrust forward, your slick body rubbing into the window. You tried your best to brace yourself against it. But, your fingertips slid effortlessly on the glass, breath fogging it up as you panted out in satisfaction.

Balem grunted into your ear, hand coming to rest over your own as it laid upon the window pane. He laced your fingers together, keeping up his pace until you both were moaning and writhing into one another. You were already wet from your earlier actions, making it easy for the First Primary to thrust in and out of you. Something he hungrily took advantage of as he roughened his rhythm.

The AI alerted Balem again, not that he paid it any more mind than before. He just wrapped an arm around you, keeping you steady against him as he pushed forward, groaning when your walls clenched down on him. It was more than he could take, especially after the treat of your mouth on his length.

With a few final thrusts he came, hiding his face between your neck as he muffled his groans. You squirmed in bliss as you felt his warmth fill you, a small whimper leaving your lips as he pulled out and relaxed into you. You expected him to move away, to finish off bathing, and go about his business. Only this time, he stayed near you. Allowing his breath to slow itself once more. You could feel his wandering hands trail down, moving between your legs as he meant to help you finish off as well. And as he slid his fingers between your glistening folds, he brought one hand up, brushing your wet hair aside, and letting it cascade down your shoulder. He kissed along the exposed side of your nape, a somewhat sweet gesture you weren’t expecting.

“I’ll clean you up, little bird.”

He smiled into your slick skin, reaching for the soaps and oils along the edge before he took his time, and helped you both bathe.

***

A/N: Feedback the shit outta me. 👏🏻

#balem abrasax x reader #balem abrasax #balem x reader #balem #jupiter ascending #LMLYD

134 notes · View notes

hellosaltysaladcollectionstuff · 5 years

Link

THE ESSAYIST IS MANY THINGS: egotistic is definitely one of them. This cuts both ways, however. Essays can be focused on the writerly self, but they can also offer an escape. As Montaigne said well over 400 years ago, one gets rather wrapped up in oneself. “I have no more made my book than my book has made me — a book consubstantial with its author, concerned with my own self, an integral part of my life.” Yet the essayist also retreats. Emerson saw his reflections as solitude, where “all mean egotism vanishes” and he becomes “a transparent eyeball,” a “nothing.” The essay is much more than that too, of course. A riff or a sally, a fight or a laugh. A journey, a ramble, a wandering about. Beyond such meanderings — the digressions on which the essay thrives — the nature of the form is itself formless. It might be “short or long,” as Woolf wrote in 1922, “serious or trifling, about God and Spinoza,” or — recalling Samuel Butler — “about turtles and Cheapside.” But so often, as she wrote on Montaigne, the essay turns back to oneself, “the greatest monster and miracle in the world.”

Fast-forward almost a century and we have Brilliant, Brilliant, Brilliant Brilliant Brilliant by Joel Golby, which takes up (and takes down) his own monstrous ego with delicious panache. You probably know of his work. He’s a crusading hero for twenty- and thirtysomething UK renters who frequently lambastes the hellish property market in his regular “London Rental Opportunity of the Week” column for Vice. From an exposé of a toilet jammed inside a shower at the foot of the bed, to a Beckettian litany going over and over the nature of a bedsit with multiple sinks but no adequate space for a mattress, Golby wages a single-handed war against that peculiar subspecies of human: the landlord. He’s massively popular, not least with those of us destined to forever move from one overpriced grief hole to the next. Golby does absurdist humor on other themes, too. A piece asking questions about why Pete Doherty was seen “aggressively eating” a massive breakfast outside a greasy spoon in Margate; 101 ways to ruin a party; “deep dives” into property TV shows; the likelihood of certain celebrities eating worms if they go on I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here! One recent column on “The New Rules of Being a Millennial” is both caustic and community-building. If Lena Dunham (as a “voice of her generation” — that now somewhat hackneyed joke in Girls) was a member of the precariat and grew up in Chesterfield, she might turn phrases like this:

The problem with the “us” thing is that we (Us) do not have a collective term for ourselves which isn’t wildly inaccurate or painfully cringey. “Hipster” suggests a level of effort that I think we’re all big enough to admit we don’t subscribe to. Does “millennials” work? Sort of, but not. It’s too broad. Plus, “millennial” is more-or-less a slur these days, isn’t it. Nobody self-identifies as one. It’s just something your dad calls people with university debt. It’s nothing. The people I’m talking about are the ones who know what De School is and don’t really know what a “James Arthur” is.

Brilliant, Brilliant, Brilliant Brilliant Brilliant is a gathering of 21 new essays and three updated pieces, and arrives at a time when emerging writers are voicing their histories and outlooks in hilarious and poignant ways that befit modern anxieties. The Chicago-based blogger-turned-writer Samantha Irby’s debut collection, Meaty, and her second, We Are Never Meeting in Real Life, both offer takes on bad sex, Crohn’s disease, life as a woman in her mid-30s, loss, and more, and recent collections from Hanif Abdurraqib, Chelsea Hodson, Scaachi Koul, and others reflect an exciting boom in the genre in the last few years alone. The essay has made a comeback, but it was always powerful. Again, Woolf said it best. “You can say in this shape what you cannot with equal fitness say in any other,” she wrote in “The Decay of Essay-Writing” in 1905: “its proper use is to express one’s personal peculiarities.”

There’s definitely something about essays, in their long-held comic tradition — “the joke” of literature, as G. K. Chesterton framed them — that resonates strongly today. After all, they are easily digestible, and in turn digest ideas. They are often simply “brain soufflés,” as David Lazar puts it in After Montaigne: a “walk-in closet of self or selves” ever more popular in our era of selfies and accumulations of followers on social media. Indeed, contemporary essays are often thoughts that gestate online, developed from blogs or one-off pieces: the sort of text with “14-minute read” under a byline for the crushing commute to work. They can also be surprisingly long and detailed, putting pay to the redundant idea that millennials cannot focus on anything beyond a shakshuka brunch, or — as the Daily Mail might interminably trot out — avocado toast. Caity Weaver’s epic quest to eat limitless mozzarella sticks as part of a TGI Friday’s promotion requires a good chunk of your time. John Saward’s classic reflections on Mike Tyson are as astute and amusing as Hazlitt. But with Golby we’re treated to two things at once: the pleasure of his wit and style as he ranges his themes, and a sustained, near-Swiftian satire on the very real and material challenges driven by the United Kingdom’s housing crisis. It’s not as simple as just laughing at £1,894 for a fold-out bed in Marylebone, or hedonism gone wrong; in Brilliant, we find a writer gunning for a fight.

In “PCM” (“Per Calendar Month”), Golby lays out the vagaries of dealing with the feudal overlords that might kick you out or take your deposit at the drop of a hat:

The landlords were very keen to stress when I was viewing the house that they were Reasonable People, which I have learned to now take from landlords as an immediate red flag that actually means “I am insanely deranged,” but I didn’t know this then; I was but a young bear cub, tiny and clear-eyed and full of trust, and plus desperate.

Golby intersperses his stories of the worst offenders with brutal, bloody fantasies of decimating each and every one: “The sound a landlord makes when you nail their toes down into the wood floor beneath them is, ‘This isn’t the definition of normal wear and tear.’” This is followed by an adroit move to his notion of “capsule coziness”: the kind of Scandinavian homely warmth called hygge that people were raving about a few years ago that in actuality equates to a herbal tea, a candle, and a “heather-colored blanket” you have to pack and move with every time the tenancy is up. Yet for all his inherently socialist leanings — this piece includes a well-researched outline of the real estate sector going back to 1986 — Golby is the first to admit that he is a slave to late capitalism’s charms. “Monopoly is the best game because the Actual Devil lives inside it,” he writes in another piece, before confessing to his rapacious greed and inhuman dealings on the board. “When I play Monopoly,” he writes,

I am David Cameron rimming Maggie off, I am Edwina Currie fucking John Major harder than he can fuck her back, I am a roaring-drunk Boris Johnson, I am Tory to the core-y, I am shaking hands with property developers in shady backroom multimillion-pound deals, I am blocking social housing to build luxury apartments in an effort to squeeze an extra £200K into my own private account, I am wearing a panama hat in the Cayman Islands and laughingly lighting a cigar with a £50 note.

In the United Kingdom there is a generational moniker: “Thatcher’s children.” If you were born in the ’80s, so the tag implies, you’ve been raised on rampant conservatism — the assumedly money-grabbing offspring spawned by her regime. But in truth we’re more conflicted. Society has raised us to believe getting on the property ladder is of paramount importance, but the reality of life-long renting and being pushed out of the city draws a big line between those who gained and those who lost under and after Thatcher. That Golby spins comedy gold from such a sorry state of affairs is testimony to how much we need a voice like his. Given his toothsome fight against oppressive property-owning profiteers, it is tempting to ascribe a cohesive political drive to Brilliant’s author. I asked him over email if he was interested in the horrors of capitalism, given how much of a theme it is in his work. “Mm, yes and no,” he responds. “My politics are, like baby-level deep. I was on a podcast the other week and everyone kept saying ‘neoliberal’ in a natural, casual air that made me sweat. I know the right and the left and vaguely where I fall on that spectrum … but beyond that I don’t feel qualified to talk. I don’t have the vocabulary.”

A similar modesty emerges with the very title of the book, even in its absurd egotism. “The title was initially there to make me laugh,” Golby explains, “then over time it became supremely annoying. It’s hard to pronounce without counting the Brilliants on your fingers: naming the book in this way has become the ultimate self-own.” One also finds this “ultimate self-own” in Golby’s approach to the book’s other major theme: masculinity. He riffs on the ineffable quality of “Machismo” (Golby’s brand is “soft knits and high necks” and a complex skin-care regime that includes the joys of an eye mask), offers an exhaustive, obsessive overview of all the Rocky films ranked in order of greatness, and marvels at Lenny Kravitz’s ability to pull off a leather jacket. (Golby decidedly cannot.) This deconstruction of masculinity accounts for some of the book’s funniest moments:

I realized a way of upgrading myself from a 5-out-of-10 to a solid 6 is to get a special trimmer to do the edging on my beard. And suddenly I went from a bar-of-soap-in-the-shower man to a guy with flannels, with precise and expensive tweezers. A guy who says this: “£55 for a moisturizer? Hell fucking yes!”

I asked Golby why masculinity can be so funny. “Well, because it’s absurd,” he replies, “but also it’s been one of the overriding influences on culture for the past million years, and we’re only just — just! — cracking out from that shadow … A lot of the things every man who has ever lived or ever died, a lot of what he has ever done, has been due to some deep roiling well of masculinity.”

I wonder if Golby is quite apart from the hegemonic masculinities (as initially theorized by R. W. Connell) that he decries. Brilliant arrives on the shoulders of gender theory: generations of feminist work with which emergent men’s studies became conversant in the 1980s, in works by Peter Schwenger, Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick, Lynne Segal, and many others. A major subject of such studies was the “New Man” figure that appeared in popular culture in that decade — an emotionally more intelligent, respectful of women, post-yuppie incarnation — which in turn led to the “New Lad” of the 1990s. Integral to the British “lad culture” associated with the Britpop musical genre, the “New Lad” has been characterized by Rosalind Gill as an ironic, “beer and shagging,” Nuts- or Loaded-reading, cheeky manchild. We found him in David Baddiel and Frank Skinner’s comedy and the “Three Lions” football anthem, for instance, in the TV series Men Behaving Badly and in the fiction of Nick Hornby and Martin Amis. “Ladlit,” as Elaine Showalter named it, is a direct forerunner of Brilliant, which — over 20 years after the classic “lad” film Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, and in the light shined on shameful male behavior by the #MeToo movement — inherits and plays with its own genre heritage.

On the one hand, Golby retrenches old notions of manhood. “The Full Spectrum of Masculinity as Represented by Rocky in the Rocky Movies” tangent is a somewhat limited list that veers between brute force and fragility, relying on tired myths as the joke. There’s a familiarity in this move, a well-worn trope. After all, as Steve Connor wrote in 2001 (in “The Shame of Being a Man”), talk about being a man usually has “tucked into it a snicker at its bumptious presumption”: “[W]e find it hard to take masculinity as seriously as we suppose.” That Golby turns his comedy on this theme so frequently suggests a reiteration not wholly free of its antecedents. On the other hand, however, he’s doing something utterly new with the late 2010s permutation of “lads.”

Golby’s Instagram is often one long stream of captioned images sending up exhausted “haway the lads” lager-swilling clichés with a belligerent repetition of “love and appreciation to the lads” — men and women — until it goes from funny to irritating to funny again. He’s also aware of the ways in which, as Connor puts it, “to write is to be unmanned, meritoriously to unman oneself.” Golby embraces such “unmanning.” He explores his own sensitivity and offers a catalog of “All the Fights I’ve Lost.” He’s part of a new generation that knows (yet still laughs) at how, as Connor again writes, “[m]en are spent up: masculinity is a category of ruin, a crashed category. It’s a bust.” Golby is also aware of its persistent homosocial nature: the values and relations exchanged between men, as Sedgwick’s ground-breaking work revealed. “I have to have a very small-voice conversation with myself every time I put a selfie on Instagram,” he tells me. “‘Is this … lame? Will the other boys … mock me?’ It’s an insane and stupid thing to be under a thrall to.”

The homosocial dimension of Golby’s thoughts on masculinity might explain the book’s main oddity. Brilliant has no women in Golby’s love life to speak of. No formative crushes, sex, dating stories — nothing except an encounter with a man in Barcelona selling state-of-the-art sex dolls. The cringeworthy, non-erotic nature of these scenes made me wince with the uncanny feeling Ernst Jentsch and later Freud associated with E. T. A. Hoffmann’s automaton doll Olympia in The Sandman. They are, as Golby puts it, “eerie”: “balloon-like breasts w/ bullet nipples, sagging unlocked jaw w/ a raw pink tongue, splayed neat rubberized vagina, a one-size-fits-all butthole put out with a drill.” Again, we’re less in the realm of sexuality and more in gendered constructs. Golby offers a feminist take on AI and consent, yet feels disquietingly shorn of “the pulsing core of straight masculinity” when surrounded by these uncanny valley robots. He has it both ways: exceeding the “busted” category of manhood, yet circling back to it for a laugh. Is this a new new laddism? The book provokes such a question.

There’s an adolescent immaturity to Golby’s writing, to be sure, but a joyful one, with a comedic suaveness that demands attention. He consistently delivers the jokes through distinctive stylistic moves. Words and phrases pile up in heaps until bam! — the thing tips over and you’re laughing, rereading. He even manages to pull off some comedy in the opening essay, the moving yet funny “Things You Only Know If Both Your Parents Are Dead” that appeared in an earlier form on Vice and more recently the Guardian, about being orphaned at 25. He repeats “My parents are dead” no fewer than 22 times, yet still finds humor in grief, in um-ming and ahh-ing over which kind of beer basket to plump for for a neighbor, or buying vol-au-vents at Tesco. (There was more about the ubiquitous supermarket Tesco, but it was subbed by the US editor for being a bit too British. Other Britishisms include: the cheap pub chain Wetherspoons; the cigarette papers Rizla; tights.) This is perhaps one of the most powerful things about the book: people have reached out to Golby after that essay’s first publication, “as if I am some sort of griefsaver,” but, as he says to friends, “no two griefs are the same. They are always different spikey, awkward shapes. There’s no clean, easy way to vomit grief up out of your system. It just works its way through you in whatever way it chooses to.”

In some ways, as with his romantic life, Golby keeps a lot back, but aspects of Brilliant, like his loss, are totally up front — a juxtaposition that gets us back to the question of ego. I wonder if he considers himself private. “I don’t know if I’m wildly private,” he tells me. “I tend to tweet every thought I have, Instagram my dinner with a forced hashtag and wrote an essay [“Ribs”] about attempting auto fellatio — so let’s not worry too much about that.” Golby still harbors a strong, endearing desire to go to America and “hole up in a motel room with every snack I’ve ever seen on TV and watch 24-hour news.” (He’s wanted to do this since he was about eight.) He admits that his book is all about him, as he has had to convey what it’s about to many an editor’s bemusement with “a blank stare and say something along the lines of: ‘things that I like. I am the theme.’” Ultimately, he confesses, “more than anything else it is, still, fundamentally, just an ego trip thing. I have an enormous ego. An insufferable one.”

In the end, it is Golby’s satire that carries most weight. I ask him one final question, which was always on my lips as I read his columns and choice bits of the book. Is it possible for a human being to become a landlord without turning into a monster? “No,” he replies, firmly. “It’s not possible to become a landlord without turning into a monster. It’s not even possible to conceive of the idea of becoming a landlord without some hollow part of you already being monstrous. No landlord can escape the curse of their own landlordism. Their soul is condemned before they even pull up outside the auction house.”

Cathryn Setz is an Associate Visiting Research Fellow at the Rothermere American Institute at the University of Oxford. She is the author of Primordial Modernism: Animals, Ideas, transition (1927–1938) (Edinburgh University Press, 2019).

The post The Ultimate Self-Own: On Joel Golby’s “Brilliant, Brilliant, Brilliant Brilliant Brilliant” appeared first on Los Angeles Review of Books.

from Los Angeles Review of Books https://ift.tt/2FA9HRD

#Blogger

0 notes