#cant do that on campus

[amimere]

ive finally gotten around to blocking my granny square shawl

the mats were almost too small so i definetly need another set, super excited to have it done tho

#my stuff #fiber art #crochet #granny squares #once its dry i need to take some glory shots #im not 100% sure they will be posted right away but if i take them now i can use my rocking chair as a prop #cant do that on campus

[pupcuck]

have been ill since i was a kid it is not going to get better or pass likeeee sick of people telling me otherwise

#🏩.diary #I’ve always been this way #like there is no fixing it it’s not even like #idk my mental illness isn’t even something i can use as an excuse it’s just me now like idk #my friends are insufferable they don’t get it that #it’s not the fucking same like im so upset why do they always make things ab themselves #im the one that has no other friends no job no love life im failing uni with no social life like no you don’t get it #and they’re always like oh i wish I wasn’t known on campus like you talking to people is so draining I hate it #I hate it so bad i need to kill myself #I’ve been suicidal since I was 11 like that’s it’s not gonna change #and then they wonder why I don’t wanna talk like sorry im too suicidal to hear ab you having multiple jobs and boyfriends and driving sorry #like im too bitter #why don’t you just do this I CANT!!! im ugly and repulsive and can’t go outside #I’ve been made fun of for my weight and face by family n school friends like why would k want to go outside when it’s not even. me that #thinks I’m repulsive but everyone around me too #my parents don’t ever call me pretty unless I have makeup on they’re repulsed by me I know they love me bc they have to love me but im such #a loser there’s nothing to be Proud of #I don’t know what to do at all it’s like I’ve fucked it over so badly I can’t fix a single thing #it’s like I have everything wrong w me and it’s humiliating #tw vent #sorry im worked up godddd #I hate when people talk me like it’s my first time feeling this way and that it’s easy to get over #just try getting ur license or doing this I psychically cannot bc I’m crippled by anxiety and facial and body dysmoprhia like fuck off #whatever whatever im too pussy to kill myself so I’ll just live in this fucking cycle forever and ever like bc im literally a fucking . #pussy what’s wrong w me #in other news my sisters separation anxiety is back and she won’t let go of me I can’t go to the bathroom without her coming she’s sleeping #in my bed again #she’s so clingy I love her but I can’t do anything

[stinkrascal]

rich ppl are so annoying like i cannot believe im forced to read the sentence "my familys not rich my dad only makes 200k a year" with my own two eyes

#never gonna forget that time i was in college #and this girl from my high school was trying to get me to join her sorority #and i was like yea i cant afford to do that i cant even afford my college tuition im probably dropping out next semester bc of it #and she said to me and i quote #oh our sorority is one of the cheapest on campus! it's only an extra 4000 dollars a semester:) #LIKE what if i strangled you? what if i killed you with my bear hands? #bare hands? bear hands? i like bear hands more it implies i have big bear paws for hands. which i do.

[lesbianfakir]

Sorry for being so rambly today (and last night) I have thoughts so onto the blog they go

I feel like part of the joy of art is in community, like you create something and you get to talk about it and share it with the world. This year I lost touch with the friends who I would always talk about art with and I think that loss is heavily impacting my ability to create (and the enjoyment I get from it.) I miss having a new idea and getting to ramble about it excitedly. I miss texting people the sketches and the mock ups and the color palettes.

I got into art for me. I wouldn’t show anything I made to anyone for years. So I’m no stranger for creating for the target audience of myself. Still, I miss that sense of community. I love this blog and I absolutely adore the lovely comments you all leave on my art but sometimes it feels so one-sided on here. I post a piece, I receive a lovely tag back and that’s it. End of story. I spend hours and hours working on something and it kind of disappears into the void in a day or so.

Trying to put it into words, but I think I wish I could create art that starts a conversation. That inspires people to create their own things in response, or even just talk with me about process. I think the perfectionism has gotten out of hand lately because I feel like I’m missing something—which I attribute to the quality of the piece—but really what I’m missing is buddies to chat about art with. There is no level of being “good enough” that will serve as a substitute for a real community.

#ahaha if you can’t tell I am a very introspective person #and a lonely one the transition to college has been rough and all my friends are back home #anyways I was thinking about drawing more stuff for my ocs today #and then I remembered the friend I loved to talk about them with hasn’t replied to me in a month #which is understandable. she’s busy. she made new friends. she’s not struggling like I am so it makes sense that she’s just kind of moved on #but I miss her #I had no chance of making it to her in group because all her friends she met through dance and I can’t dance for shit #I don’t even think she meant to ghost me but who knows #it sucks that I won’t get a real goodbye #anyways all of that to say I was going to draw my ocs and then I got so sad because who would I even share them with #there are a few art groups on campus but I have anxiety and mild agoraphobia and when I try to go I just feel awkward and shy #anyways if anyone ever wants to chat about art #it’s only one of my fav things in the whole world #lea talks #WHY CANT I BE A PROPER TORTURED ARTIST #WHY CANT I TURN MY ISOLATION INTO SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL #WHY DO I NEED SOMEONE ELSE TO BE PRESENT IN THE PROCRESS #is it not enough to descend into a quiet madness on my own and create from that??

[soft-girl-musings]

want nothing more than a little nap but alas, i'm out here until like. 9pm.

#no one is on campus for at least an hour i could do it #but my hair is curled and i cant risk that #girl help #shouting into the void here

[ambersky0319]

On a different note, I might just murder my grandparents because holy fucking shit are they fucking pathetic assholes who I can't believe have lived for almost 80 fucking years and essentially raised a total of 5 kids across their life and never developed even a sliver of compassion or maturity

Because SERIOUSLY

#i cant even DO anything about them right now bc im on campus and theyre w sib at the hospital for sibs procedure #and theyre just being massive fucking bitches that i want to punch so fucking bad #amber's shit you can ignore

[hydatiid]

put in my application for my vet nursing course yippee

#got approved for work placement on monday #and got name shit cleared up with them today so now my application is in someone elses hands #which means i may start in the next few weeks! just depends on when theyre running on campus lessons #cause there is NO way in hell im doing this online only #no way #i cant wait to be doing something with my time again

[pepprs]

my depression is getting really really bad. like it’s been bad before but this is like… consistently really bad. like a long unending stretch for several weeks (and tbh months) now. to the point where no inoculation actually sticks (and im isolating myself from most of my inoculations anyway and feel unable to stop doing it even though i know it’s self destructive). im either helplessly unbearably miserable or numbing out on video games. i just don’t feel like it’s going to get better for me and i KNOW that is factually untrue but the feeling is louder than the knowledge and it’s just utterly immobilizing. ive been sinking in quicksand for 2 years.

#purrs #longer than that too ofc but i think ever since i moved to campus in 2021 and shit started hitting the fan my life just started snowballing #and picked up speed majorly when i moved back home and ive been stuck in this horrible limbo ever since. like im scaring myself with how #deeply profoundly unhappy and unwell i am. i am just detached and scattered and bewildered by everything. and the only way to break free is #to fight it but i don’t even have the strength. like in order to fight it i have to have the strength and it s exactly the thing that is #being stolen from me. and i work really really hard to suppress it when im around people so no one can tell but on the inside im being eaten #alive and every day that goes on the pain gets harder to bear except im numb most of the time so i can’t tell except for when i can #one of the things that makes me saddest is ive pushed everyone away either by ghosting them or scaring them. when what i want and need the #most is love and comfort. but then when i get it it isn’t enough. idk. im not explaining it well i just feel like. horrible. unbearably #i think i need to go on meds like i truly cannot go on like this not even in a s*i cidal way it’s like i just can’t take living like this #delete later #i know im causing the people who love me pain by being unable to accept that they do love me and that’s the worst fucking part. is hurting #people by being like this. scaring people by being like this. and being so disconnected from myself #and feeling completely and utterly beyond help like nothing ive tried has fixed it but also there are a lot of things i haven’t tried but i #feel so terrible or my freedom is limited so i can’t. idk. #also the crushing knowledge / sense that i have lost the most precious important years of my life both bc of the lockdown and bc of mental #illness lol. except that’s not true bc of all the stuff abt how your best years are always ahead of you and you can make them. but it doesnt #feel like it for me and then i beat myself up bc my job is literally to exude that belief and help other ppl feel it and i increasingly cant #i remember in high school having the thought that one day i could be depressed and being conscious that i wasn’t and now i look back on that #and am like… how. and will i ever not be. i don’t think so. it just feels unending

[morninkim]

Read the first five issues of Ranger Academy earlier today, so of course I made an OC.

She was a late bloomer to morphing and failed her morphin trial the first time around, but passed the next year and became a Green Ranger

Now in her last year, she does mentoring for first year cadets who are either anxious and/or scared about their trial, or those who failed their trial and didn't morph so they can talk to someone who'd been in the same boat

Because of mentoring and her general disorganization, she's behind on her studies and may have to repeat the year over again

#my art #my ocs #rangersona #ranger academy #power rangers #the book: ooughghgh green is so mysterious and the campus is blocked off and locked and there are Secrets surrounding it oghhh #me: woag. that's so cool... anyway here's my oc she's a green ranger- #ya. she's green bc i'm a tommy stan. how unpredictable of me to do #but i guess it. could be a lil out of left field since my fav color's red but yknow #anyway. the comics good. i like the characters a lot and sage is my Daughter im signing the adoption papers as we speak. its cute!! #(still dont like the premise. it still feels space cop-y to me. but man. i cant deny that i like a good academy mystery story. #and i can pretend its more like an aguefort or an entwitch situation (adventurer's academy) in my heart) #i also still take issue with the hogwartsification of ranger colors like i Do Not like it and nothing will convince me to like it #anyway 2: i'll do some different outfits and her ranger suit later. gotta decide on a theme for her

[xay2jang]

conans glasses r actually prescription is still the funniest silly au ever. oh conan Cant be shinichi he cant see 5 cm from his face without his glasses!!

#dcmk #my art #kudou shinichi #heiji is there but only the back of his head so he doesnt get a tag this time #once i forgot to put my glasses back on after doing makeup #so i went to campus and on the bus went shit fuck motherfucker i cant see my change #oh my god. i forgot my glasses #my friends were all like... r u mad today... u keep frowning and glaring..... #im so sorry. i cant see the fucking blackboard prof is writing on

[girlscience]

well. I added my recent work stuff to my resume today, but then got stressed and didn't even manage to edit it. the day isn't over so maybe I'll get more done, but aaaghaghghaghag

#I thought I just needed to add my new experince and call it good #except it is definitely made for applying to a job not a school #and i dont know how to change it or what all i need to change to make it better #like i feel like i should remove things but then it just seems really empty?? #and i am also trying to plan a trip with my mom to go look at one of the schools tomorrow #because i completely forgot that was a thing i should maybe do? #i just started applying places without even thinking about the schools themselves #outside of if they were good/had the programs i want #i didn't look at price or the campus or how big they are or what cities they are in #and the one im looking at with my mom has two campuses and i have to pick which one i want to go to #and trying to figure out which one would be better is very confusing #wish they would just be like you will have access to these facilities at this campus and these facilities at this one #but they dont have that #and then also i need to figure out TA/GA positions and applications #and i am so stressed about that and keep putting it off #but like. i have basically given myself two weeks to get everything done and haven't done any of it yet #and i am going to cry and puke #do i actually think i can do this if the application is making me feel like this? #but i cant back out now because i have told too many people and asked for refernce letters #and also i do want to do it #but then i am also supposed to look for even more schools and have to do all this for them too #*sobbibng*

[fooltofancy]

the uni janitor essentially hangs out with me every morning around six for anywhere between ten minutes to an hour and i learn so many things abt this town

#i am her water cooler #in my little tv hole where i cant escape lmao #but i get all of the gossip so yaknow fair tradeoff #i do miss the old guy though he's still my fav person on campus

[drewsaturday]

i always find it hard to be happy for people accomplishing things that are... very clearly something i could also have done with the right support or a few less obstacles stacked against me, and i know that kind of makes me a bitch bc other people work hard too and other people are struggling with things i don't know about, but it's really just depressing to me more than anything that i can't even Try.

#txt #me as an exclusively online student due to disabilities and childcare = i cannot participate in most of the #opportunities that come along with college #and yet i still have to get emails from a student society i am only able to be in bc it has 0 participation requirements #congratulating other students on their huge accomplishments when like. sure maybe those people did work really hard #but being able to LITERALLY GET THEIR FOOT IN THE DOOR OF THE COLLEGE PHYSICALLY PROBABLY HELPED KLl;ksdf #and so many of those opportunities are also things i cannot do. like becoming fully funded to study abroad for #being accomplished in a frankly basic foreign language. #give me a couple weeks to regain my spanish (or even latin idk) and i would easily be eligible except oh wait! i can't travel #and i can't go on campus to be an Upstanding Student Doing Extracurriculars because. i can't be on campus. #and 90% of those extracurriculars are in-person. and i still have to hear about them anyway. #i am grateful i can do college at all. i would just like to stop receiving emails about things i cant do and people i cant be lol

[stupid-dyke]

Ok 10 months and I'm almost over her I promise but I really wonder how her insistence on only ever hanging out in the early hours of the morning despite my extreme sleep disorder affected the trajectory of our relationship. At the time I worried it was hurting us because my conversation suffered but now I wonder, if she had actually agreed to see me while my brain was online would I have realized on my own that she did not like me? Or did that even matter? I still don't have a clue how to go about starting a new relationship or intimate friendship or what have you and if she called today I'd do it all again because I did not and do not and I worry I will not ever have anyone else like her

#like I have friends here I have family its fine. It's just that I don't trust and feel comfortable with literally anyone in this city #like I only trust familiarity and no one will be as familiar as someone I went to school with for 12 years. #doesn't matter if new people are nice to me I don't trust them and I don't like them #I've said it many times she befriended me against all my best efforts to avoid her it's funny how it turned around #and now I don't know how to befriend someone on purpose #also I literally never leave campus and barely go outside my room if I can avoid it yeah ok I see what I'm doing wrong. #but again why would I go outside if I don't like anyone out there. #I can tell im doing this to myself but goddamn it's hard to break the habit. Like im just straight up not doing it #why cant a toxic girl just push her way into my life again and not take no for an answer actually dont do that that sounds awful #crazy how finding a woman who actually respects boundaries would require lowering this giant wall. Sounds fake