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therockandrolllibrarytroll · 1 year

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Trauma and Stands in JJBA

So this has been swirling around my head for a bit, and because I just lost my job today I figured it would be good to take my mind off of it by indulging in a bit of analytical escapism instead.

It’s stated several times throughout Jojo that Stands are a manifestation of a person’s most innate self, their “soul” if you will. Some Stands can be a manifestation of positive aspects of a person’s soul, such as Tusk Act IV being a representation of Johnny Joestar’s resilience or Crazy Diamond being a representation of Josuke’s protective nature. It can be a great character analysis to just break down the aspects of a stand and how it relates to each character of Jojo. But that’s gonna be a super long essay that I don’t have the energy to write.

What I want to talk about is how Stands can be a representation of things like trauma and negative coping mechanisms associated with it. Specifically, part 5 characters that are good examples of this. There could obviously be others from different parts, but these are the ones that I’ve been thinking about.

The most obvious one would be Fugo. His stand has a lot of meaning to it. I think a lot of people tend to look at his character at only a surface level. Even if you want to discount the anime’s expansion on his backstory, it’s super clear that this kid has experienced serious trauma. Children don’t just become angry without reason. Fugo’s anger is a direct result of trauma, and we can see that with Purple Haze. It’s a Stand built to push people away, to lash out at friend or foe, or even Fugo himself. It’s a representation of Fugo’s desire to isolate himself as a way to cope, which is a common trait among people with CPTSD (article here: https://medium.com/invisible-illness/the-reasons-people-with-complex-ptsd-self-isolate-846266b52a6d). That anger, and by extension Purple Haze, are walls and armor Fugo built.

Another obvious example would be Abbacchio. While his Stand is useful in the events of Vento Aureo, Moody Blues’ ability is a clear representation of symptoms of rumination in PTSD (article here: https://sites.tufts.edu/emotiononthebrain/2014/11/18/hooked-on-a-feeling-intrusive-and-ruminative-symptoms-in-ptsd/). It’s ability is to play back the events of the past, much like how a person with PTSD will replay the memories of a traumatic event in their minds. Obviously the trauma of losing his partner as a cop would make this make sense. Personally, this makes me feel like Abbacchio is one of the most tragic characters in part 5 at least. What would his stand look like if he hadn’t experienced what he had? Not to mention his meeting with Bruno heavily implies engaging in substance abuse.

Less obvious, but still interesting would be Bruno’s stand. There’s an issue with children of divorce having to deal with “split loyalty.” Even if the divorce his parents had was amicable, and even if Bruno decided to stay with his father, he had to essentially split himself apart to stay loyal to both parents. I honestly highly doubt his mother was just cool with him staying with his father, either. But you could chalk that up to extrapolation. So how does this relate to his Stand? Well, remember the fight with Pesci? When Bruno had to divide his actual physical heart in half to survive? That was not just a fight, that was a demonstration of his childhood.

This post is so long, I need to go to bed. And find a new job. I hope this made sense to someone.

#panacotta fugo #leone abbacchio #bruno bucciarati #bruno bucellati #jjba #vento aureo #jjba part 5 #rambling #analysis #I need to go outside more

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upsidedowngrass · 1 year

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Charlotte post NOW (/j only if u want!!)

AHHH charlotte jumpscare!!!!!!!

im not sure what SPECIFICALLY to post abt her bc this ask is a little vague, BUT i do think abt her a lot!!! tho i DO gotta think about her more, she is a WONDERFUL character

bc idk what specifically, my interpretation of her post canon and WHY (also under a readmore because WOW!! i had apparently a lot to say abt her):

i think!!! she is a LOT more mellow after she gets home. like in one 16 after shes respawned its like. she seems to be friendlier? which. i think has to do w like... i dont think she was a bad person really, and i dont think shed been acting Maliciously, but when it came to having friends i think it was really easier for her to genuinely take things as worst as they could be. we dont actually get much of her backstory, so its up to interpretation as to WHY, but i think she genuinely struggled with being distrustful of those close to her. she likes them, that much is clear, but trusting people is a whole other thing

but i think she really DID view her friends as pitying her. as not respecting her, even when they werent Being cruel. they were concerned for her safety, and how her recklessness was affecting her. and i think that can end up walking a line between pity and not wanting your friends to do things that are pretty unambiguously dangerous, and what was very standard friendship ended up feeling a lot MORE like they didnt respect her or her choices

and i think what changes this is that. she DID die. and i think that contextualized for her that her friends werent concerned because they thought she couldnt handle herself, but because they just Generally care abt her yknow? as fucked up as her dying is, i think it did ultimately make her realize that THIS is what her friends were worried about. they didnt want THIS to happen to her, and i think in an odd way? it kinda made her. idk understand? trust? the people around her more. like in a 'oh, people around me dont only care about me for selfish reasons, or cruel reasons. they care because they CARE' way

and i think that, and the fact that she says that shed been thinking about this a lot? i feel like it kinda all forced her to slow down and WANT to talk to the people around her. because shed been pushing them all away because what was the point in talking to them? and i think once she REALLY noticed how amelia was doing, after thinking so much about all this, it kinda MADE her want to amend things. or at the very least, to talk to people more. shes isolated herself long enough, and its now more than ever that she realizes how much others meant to her in the first place.

(i think in some aspects, amelias method of coping also bothered her. amelias coping mechanisms werent necessarily BAD, theyre not good by real-world standards, but given the situation shes in, it was just... once of the few ways she COULD cope. but i think the flaws in this method of coping really came through once airy came back, because in forgetting everything about who she used to be, earth became a very daunting place, but now that airys back, any amount of feeling like home the plane may have unfortunately gained was completely undone. and i think charlotte actually SEES that, and its not the exact same as her own struggles, but i think she WANTS to help amelia, because she of all people knows how the feeling of being isolated, either on purpose or accident, can feel Extremely Awful. that, and she knew amelia before things on the plane got REALLY bad, and she SAW (since ive seen people note that she!!! was watching amelia do yoga w the others) amelia gradually give up, become comfortable, and then LOSE all of that

and i think, at least right before bryce showed up, it felt fucked up that charlotte WAS the only other person from the same world as amelia and theyd!!! never even spoken about it??? (like how she comments that they NEVER told each other their names. which only applies to her and amelia. that statement was intended very specifically towards amelia) and its like. i think it mightve made her a bit 'no WONDER shes not doing well. even if shes trying to act like she is' (which i dont even think amelia is doing to deflect so much as an attempt at 'if i pretend its ok it WILL be ok right?'))

and!!! once getting home i think this would all really lead her to be a bit more patient with others. i dont think the distrust would STOP being an issue, but i think such a terrible experience causing her to completely recontextualize the actions of those around her would actually help, at least a little . i dont actually know if i think shed stay friends w parker and that friend group, but i think theyd at the least keep in touch. parker clearly, even when they were arguing, STILL cared about her, and i think seeing her disappear probably was. a bit haunting, and so i think at the very least hed like to know shes Okay

also whenever people have the characters live together post canon, they only ever include bryce liam and amelia, and i GET why!!! charlotte didnt really interact w them for a looong time. but after charlotte is revived i actually see her as talking with them yknow? i dont think shed stop talking to them again, and i think her talking with amelia was a genuine attempt to help!! so i think theyd stick together. i dont imagine liam actually gets closer with any of the contestants while hes trying to send them home (tho i dont think it worsens substantially either. i think it just sorta. stays where it is? and if he did have notable interactions with any of them, itd PROBABLY be mainly w amelia and bryce, tho i dont think he DOESNT talk to charlotte too! he just has a diff sort of connection w those to, based on the experiences he Shared w them) so i think he isnt SUPER close w charlotte, but i think the others may become WAY closer w her!!! so i think if they all moved in together? that WOULD include charlotte!!! (that, and i think charlotte would also develop a sort of respect for liam . because he kinda DOES display exactly the type of traits she didnt really see people as having!!! going to EXTREME lengths to help people, including HER! so i think shed generally have many thoughts on him)

anyway !!! thats it the point is that as much as one would fuck charlotte up in her own way, i think, similar to how bryce tried to get his life together after he was first eliminated, shed similarly end up having a better ability to navigate social stuff in not such a pessimistic way as before!!!!!

#hfjone #one is a series abt the complexities of isolation man........#how people create it and how people respond to it #i also have many thoughts on what one is abt but . theres such a theme of isolation #(also? its been a longstanding idea ive had that like #charlotte and bryce both mellow out more after one #while liam and amelia both become a bit more easily agitated #NOT that charlotte and bryce wouldnt have their own problems but like #i think BECAUSE these two were in a shittier place that made them rethink stuff #while liam and amelia were doing okay and abruptly had everything ruined #would make charlotte AND bryce actually a bit Better at Navigating things specifically #and i think charlotte and bryce are meant to somewhat reflect back amelia and liam actually #and are meant to show the different ways awful experiences affect people #DUNNO. i think i could put these four on a chart and liam and amelia would be on a diff side from bryce and charlotte #based on the general Way that one affected them #but then liam and bryce would be on a diff side from amelia and charlotte too based on their experiences in a more literal way #if that makes sense #though i think liam AND charlotte ALSO share in their stubbornness and amelia nd bryce in a desire to Let Go of things #so itd be a complex chart #ask

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spamtonology · 2 years

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Hii ive been lately thinking alot about spamton and how he views any romantic relationships, and dont get me wrong, i do myself like few spamton ships alot, but i think that spamton probably never had an actual experience with any romantic feelings in canon, or will in near future

Back in his addison and big shot days, he probably was too busy calculating, selling, and speaking to his phone friend to actually ever consider liking anyone, like yeah probably few Swatchlings made him go like 😮😮😮😮😮 and he was flirting with ladies (or maybe Even queen) on any types of parties, but in reality i dont think he ever truly thought about anyone in romantic way, yes he did think about being in relationship, but never got Close enough with anyone to actually concider it, because he had other goals to do first

And i dont think current spamton is any better, hes wayyyy too mentally unstable to be in a relationship, the only thing he really cares about at the moment is NEO, and hes way too much detached from reality, he would either have very bad sudden episode and run away from his "loved one" or use them to get to neo. Like i get all the "take spamton home take care of him" fics are made mainly for fluff, but spamton isnt really in his right mind after his downfall, and honestly that would certainly lead to very unhealthy relationship, where one is using another for his own needs and other one is treating him like a child/pet not knowing how to handle him

(But well, theres also post canon possibilities, but we have no idea how story can go and can only form headcanons for that, but if you'd like i would be very happy to write my own interpretation later ^__^)

I would love to hear others take on this idea too because When i first thought about it i was like omg thats actually not a bad idea. And wanted to share it but i was kinda shy lol

I don't know what you're trying to ask? If you have a blog of your own you could post this in the tag, don't worry about being shy, I understand. You wanted my opinion on the idea so I will discuss it.

Just a disclaimer, a lot of this is going to be headcanon on what I believe his life was like in the stages prior to canon. You are free to disagree with my headcanon as it's not correct, only my interpretation.

I think as an Addison he was relatively isolated and lonely (despite being with the other Addisons often...you can be in a friend group and still feel left out, I've been there), and often hammed up his own personality and ego to try to get attention and to stand out. He did develop a sort of insecurity complex as a result. He might have shown some interest/attraction to potential customers, but it never went anywhere beyond that, and his fellow Addisons would always catch their attention before he could anyway.

As a Big Shot, he's incredibly busy and overworked and stressed despite his otherwise luxurious new life, but masked it with unhealthy coping mechanisms, which didn't work well for him at all. He could seem outwardly charismatic and talkative to outsiders, but on the inside he would be struggling severely with himself, just a constant downward spiral until he finally snapped. In terms of relationships, he probably sought after people he thought he could trust his secrets with, namely Swatch if the Q&A is anything to go by. Queen's close proximity and party-going nature probably helped a lot with Spamton's forming of relationships even if it was probably confined to the mansion...Spamton to me feels like the type of guy who wanted to impress Queen as much as possible and show how truly good he is at his job, only later developing feelings for her and doubling down on that. Swatch is a special case, but I think his relationship with Swatchlings was more of mild intimidation that he tried to play off as disinterest/seeing the Swatchlings as, well, underlings.

I do not think it's fair to say he is too "mentally unstable" to be in a relationship...That almost feels insulting to him. I think I remember having a similar opinion before rescinding it because I realized it could be ableist. I think he is not completely detached from reality as this was the case with Jevil, rather I believe he is all too aware of the reality he is in and denies it vehemently so it may come off as being detached from reality in that context.

You are right that Spamton’s current character could lead to a tumultous and unhealthy relationship, but it doesn’t have to be that way. I really do not like the implication you made that it would be like trying to take care of a child or pet, but maybe I am misinterpreting your words. Many fanfictions do portray that sort of relationship which I detest and try to avoid at all costs. “Taking care of” Spamton is like taking care of an adult man with a history of severe mental illness. There are no fluffy cats or chubby babies here. That doesn’t mean fluff isn’t allowed, however. I absolutely love fluff with Spamton, and seriously mentally ill people do deserve respect and love like any other person. It’s just very important for me to make the distinction between this and taking care of a child or pet as it comes off as infantilizing and dehumanizing mental illness.

(Addendum that he is also a fictional character in a fantasy series and you can technically do whatever you want, but to many fans he hits close to home as well, and many mentally ill fans who relate to him probably wouldn’t want to be treated like a child or a pet either. When you are saying he is too mentally unstable to be loved, or that he must be taken care of like a child or pet, it might come off to other people that this is how you feel about mentally ill people, regardless of your intent.)

I apologize if I sound sour tonight, and may have misunderstood anything you said, please do clarify. I would like to hear your post-canon interpretations anyhow, even if I might disagree with them (and we can agree to a civil discussion, yes?)

#spamton #long post

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carcinized · 3 years

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Hey hey hey I don’t have Tumblr BUT I saw your post about C!Tubbo dissociation headcanons and here I am, asking for them. And possibly more C!Tubbo headcanons. Preferably angsty. Just. Any of them. Please. Thank you.

oh, a fellow starved c!tubbo enthusiast. hello there, i do have some headcannons to spare luckily, hope you enjoy!! mostly this is the dissociation ones but i have some miscellaneous ones & songs at the end for you :]

so obviously uhhh tw for dissociation/depersonalisation/derealisation in this post!!! also going to put them under the cut bc this is long lmao

oh and disclaimer: this is very much based off my own experiences with (near constant) chronic dissociation so it might be different from other experiences!! yeah.

oh ALSO this is disorganized and probably missing stuff because i am going through a bad bout of spaciness as of right now, so apologies if anything is confusing, feel free to ask for clarification!

idk background timeline stuff so it fits into the story

at first he didn’t even realize he felt disconnected from things. it started off as a coping mechanism during combat and felt so similar to the feeling of being “in the zone” he’d known before that he didn’t question it

after a bit, it spread from only being there during battle to during conflict in general. still, he didn’t mind it—it actually made arguments more bearable because they felt almost secondhand.

eventually he came to use it as a crutch so much that it became constant.

that was when he started wanting it to go away.

and then because i can’t bear to give my precious c!tubbo constant dissociation he probably gets breaks from it sometimes idk lmao

his experiences:

gaps in memory

auditory processing issues

lots of depersonalisation and not recognizing himself in the mirror (which is even more fun/terrifying if you add in shapeshifter headcannons)

a lot of the time he feels like his actions aren’t his, which helped him to feel less bad doing morally ambiguous things (spying, exiling tommy, hunting technoblade, etc)

after it all he was left with near constant dissociation almost all the time.

it nearly always feels like the world is secondhand to him and he has no control/impact (ironic considering the power he has, and he knows that, but)

often wonders if he is dreaming and just waiting to wake up from a coma he’d gotten from one of his many battles.

when things get really bad he wishes he could just wake up from it.

often doesn’t recognize his hands looking down at them, especially with the burns he has now. they’re not his hands, right? but they are. they’re his hands. huh.

uhhh examples of where it could have been shown in plot if you squint lol

for example, that famous clip of him dancing while wilbur and tommy argue in the background would be a physical representation of him zoning out (dissociating) to get out of/away from an argument.

the whole yes man thing could have either been an auditory processing issue where he replied yes to wilbur without hearing what wilbur had asked OR a gap in memory where he didn’t remember telling tommy the opposite

he pulled away for like 5 months into snowchester and talked to hardly anyone but his husband and son. dissociation is hard to interact with people during because you feel so isolated for so many reasons—sometimes you feel you’re the only real thing there, sometimes it feels there’s a glass wall between you and everything else that IS real. and even ignoring that, most people can’t relate to feeling that way, leaving you even more alone. he could have pulled away because it was too much too keep going through that (i did that don’t recommend it tubbo JSJD)

miscellaneous headcannons that i don’t see very often:

after winning a battle, his instinct is to play a disc and look out at the sunset because that’s what he and tommy always did (see his lore yesterday (june 18th)—he did it with ranboo despite tommy not being there)

i’m rather fond of my original-l’manberg-citizens-consider-haircuts-and-fixing-up-appearances-affectionate-because-wilbur-did-it headcannon so i’ll add that here—basically wilbur gave everyone military cuts and new suits and everything. and while that was just for war, it was also because he cared about all of them. ever since, they all considered fixing up someone’s appearance an act of love.

tubbo refused to let anyone cut his hair after the red festival, not trusting anyone. he would probably let ranboo do it now, only he’s rather attached to the way it hides his burns and some of his horns and keeps him warm in the freezing snow.

he builds walls like how tommy builds cobblestone towers—a reflex, a coping mechanism, a habit. he built the l’manberg walls and ever since the defense has been second nature, whether for the best or the worst.

ive been waiting forever to share these i have way too many. i pass the hours staring out the window listening to misterwives and imagining c!tubbo animatics to it and now i have a chance to share them oh my god

so without further ado,

c!tubbo animatics i have in my head:

whywhywhy by misterwives: ok this one isn’t chalked out but it has him vibes

alone by misterwives: just him and ranboo. figuring things out. helping each other heal. i legitimately have an entire animatic in my head to this lyric by lyric and could make a fucking storyboard for it if only i could draw. if anyone wants me to write out lyric by lyric what it WOULD be though feel free to send an ask aHAHHAHAHA

over the rainbow by misterwives: a montage of c!tubbo just. finally going apeshit. that would be so cathartic alright and it’s such a badass song he deserves it

it’s my turn by misterwives: pretty much any times that tubbo finally got to do something back at someone who wronged him—the butcher army going after technoblade, him yelling at quackity about borders saying “well don’t i get to put my foot down too?” the lyrics “i know you’ve got your version of the story, i’m sick of saying sorry, i’m sick of always having to explain” during his spy arc PLEASE he had to justify everything he did and the “are you happier?” comment and schlatt breathing down his neck aAAAA give my boy a break (also the instrumental uses a lemon demon-type sound which makes me think of ranboo so i love imagining a cool bee dup building the outpost montage there snhshagahffn)

find my way home by misterwives: idk the vibes just fit man

oxygen by misterwives: hhhrnggg clingy duo angst oW

i did say i spend a lot of my time listening to misterwives and daydreaming c!tubbo animatics didn’t i?

anyways yeah. here’s some c!tubbo content to help us poor starved c!tubbo enthusiasts :’D also misterwives propaganda go listen to them female led band with a fucking badass lead singer with banger songs and incredible vocals and lyrics ANYWAY

#dsmp #tubbo #dream smp #mcyt #dissasociation tw #feel free to add your headcanons btw or ask for clarification on these!!! i would love to talk abt c!tubbo with you SHJDJDJDJD #dissociation tw #depersonalisation tw #derealization tw #allyster rambles #ask #anon

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suave-ish · 4 years

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tw depression anxiety and covid-19

hello everyone, my name is mercedes and i don’t know who will read this i have no followers but i hope it reaches someone. i don’t use this blog much but here we are. im typing this on mobile so please forgive me if it’s messy.

i woke up at five in the morning today and i checked my emails. ive been waiting for results for 4 days. i saw the notification. clicked on it, logged in, and read, “positive.”

and although i am considerably healthy and have a strong immune system, i cried and i cried and i cried.

i have covid-19.

i want to talk about the symptoms i had before i got my results and about how i’m feeling now. mentally and physically.

everyone i’ve ever heard talk about covid-19 says the FIRST thing to look for is a fever. and that’s valid! it’s a very common symptom amongst most people. except for me! i took my temperature every single day and it never exceeded a 97.4. the first symptoms i started showing was a headache and dry throat. the next day i started experiencing cold-like symptoms. runny nose, coughing, itchy throat. around day 3-4 of noticeable symptoms i started having trouble taking deep breaths.

i also experienced extreme fatigue. (i’m not a napping type of person but i found myself taking more and more naps. i didn’t think much of it because i’m pretty much always tired. ive been like that since i was young. i only ever took naps when i was sick. lo and behold).

i started feeling better after a week of experiencing symptoms so i thought that was it. just a mild cold. no fever. i was wrong. one morning i got up and i felt extremely nauseous. i felt sick to my stomach, i was dizzy, and the world was spinning. and yet i got in my car and headed to work.

yeah that lasted an hour. i called my boss and i told her i needed to go home immediately. i had to wait another hour for someone to come in and cover the shift. i have never felt that kind of nausea in my entire life. that’s when i decided to take the test. my instincts told me, you’re sick. you have it. but (as one does) i hoped to god that it would be negative. i did everything to protect myself and yet i still got it.

anyway. today i feel extremely tired and weak. my stomach still feels a little nauseous but that’s about it for how i’m feeling physically. on to the mental side affects of this all.

i want to mention that i have severe anxiety and depression so lockdown hasn’t been great for me, i don’t have stable coping mechanisms for either illnesses so i just have to bare the brunt of it all when i’m experiencing episodes.

today has been the worst since i just found out i have covid-19. i live in a household with 6 people (including me). three children and one person with a compromised health. my mother had valley fever and although it is currently inactive, it still affects her health and immune system. if you’re from the valley you’re probably familiar with it and so you might understand how scary this pandemic is for her.

i went through a lot of emotions. shock. fear. guilt. i’m already feeling the brunt of isolation (not to mention the way my fucking ass hurts from laying in bed for 5 days straight.) but all those other feelings made it worse. especially knowing i could put my mother in danger.

and if you’re self isolating and you’re like me, you need social interactions so your mental health doesn’t suffer too much, please reach out to people. anyone. i talk to my friends and grandma over facetime. sometimes my siblings yell “i love you!” from across the house. i’m grateful to be in a position where i will most likely recover soon. i’m thankful to have a roof over my head to protect me and others from spreading the virus. not everyone has that privilege.

please. if you show any symptoms, get tested! i went to a testing center in my city that provides free self swab tests and i hope that you can find something similar.

and please please please. stay home if you can. if you can’t, wear a mask. prevent the spread.

#covid 19 #coronavirus #corona symptoms #preventcovid19 #prevent the spread #wear a mask #signal boost #tw anxiety #tw depression #tw coronavirus #im nervous please be kind

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apologeticallys · 6 years

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@ya-ya-yaku / @occipi / @cifer-sweeper , sid/pidge

back when I first met you, it was amazing. you made me rly happy, and i trusted you quickly, like I have w literally Anyone who has given me attention and a slight sign of "I can probably trust them." so i confided to you my problems. and I kept doing so. kept venting to you abt my shit. i don't remember much anymore of what you told me or what i did much, my memory is still fuckin shit. its now 2017 and this year is nearly over, 2015 was rly almost 3 years ago, got dam. anyways, what I do remember is you said I was too negative to you, and that I need to stop if i was to remain friends w you, and confide/vent to someone else. i agreed but continued to do that anyways. i lied abt getting better. i lied to lots of ppl abt getting better. i remember you tried leaving me several times. i remember "testing you." i remember calling you my fp. a term that isn't even an official bpd term, just st someone made up some years ago and we all went w it and used it. since seeing that post somewhere on tumblr some time ago, i stopped liking/using the term. it's been a fuckin journey man. I've been thru so much shit. idk what you went thru after you left for good but I hope you got better. years later? im able to say this cuz....? I went thru a lot of worse shit that what you did kinda just... faded away? but here's the thing. i lied abt having abandonment problems. i didn't get super attached to ppl until around the time you came into my life. i didnt feel the intense pain, fear, anxiety, and panic from others leaving/threatening to leave me. around the time you came into my life, was the time i started getting invested into the mental illness community on tumblr. that which is now so severely toxic. i learned from posts on there. i adopted those habits. i believed in false professionals, i said shit cuz... i was 16 when I learned abt bpd, said, i probably have this, going on to 17 and i took a quiz, self diagnosed myself, and finally 18, where i started following bpd blogs, and picking up bad habits and unhealthy coping mechanisms and just. unhealthy behaviors in all. bpd ppl had abandonment issues ? I guess I do too! even tho ive never severely been hurt by someone leaving me. until you. I'm not sure what triggered tjat, rly. the way you left me? or did i rly adopt those symptoms of bpd? or a combination of both? I know i was isolated a lot as a kid and mid teen, and when friends were over, i never wanted them to leave cuz I had so much fun w them, and i never wanted to leave their house either. so i always felt sad when they left. but they didn't actually leave me for good. the way you left me, yeah it was rly terrible and i wouldn't do that to anyone. just cutting them out w no explanation? I mean, id probably just say "fuck you bye" or some shit gbdnksjeh idk, im jk. i rly always wondered if you had explained things the first time (im speaking in terms of my first time i thot you left me , meaning back in oct , not the actual first time) you left me, if i wouldve actually gained abandonment issues. there was so much god fuck you tumblr. everything was fucking fluently written and i had all my thoughts out kms. anyfucking ways!!! basically, i was a sexual creep to you w the horse story is what I eventually got too i don't even fucking rememver what else i typed i h8 tumblr so much suck a fuckin dick. and I'm sorry. i don't want you back in my life. i just want you to know im sorry for what i put you thru. never let anyone do that to you agaun. and I'm sorry for the damage i probably gave you. god fuck tumblr. I'm never trusting it again. succ ass. what the fuck. take this half ass fucking ending, im so fucking pissed off. what the hell. ggggggdhhdhdhdhdhdgdh. I'm sorry sid.

well tumblr is a fuck whole and i didnt save everything after I typed it all so have this fucking bullshit instead maybe ill c9me vack one day and fix it fuck you tumblr

(spoiler alert, I'll never remember it as good as it was the first time so just take this bullshit fucking apology cuz tumblr can choke)

#ya ya yaku #occipi #cifer sweeper #sid

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