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reesebird · 5 years

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New Post has been published on https://reesebird.com/2019/08/13/meeting-family/

Meeting family?

I apologise in advance this is long and complicated TW (mental abuse/alleged sexual abuse/physical attack) (Note: I am currently 29 years old)

My mother has always been a single mother. I am repeatedly told by her and her friends how she gave up her job and life and everything for me. She never ever ever tells me a thing about the past. To the point where one of her friends would let slip “when we were teens and snuck out to the cinema…” my mum was absolutely furious and got extremely angry at her friend for telling (trying to tell me) a story about her and also at me for “listening to her sh*t” I CANNOT know ANYTHING. And the only friend who let things slip has now died.

She is so secretive about my actual family that any friends (or friend’s parents) who’d ask about my dad or why she never married she’d never let me talk to them ever again (which made school awkward).

She is extremely controlling with my friends, if I go somewhere she HAS to drive me. She also has to pick me up. This is to confirm I am with who I say I’m with. If I’m vague or if she doesn’t see me actually meet my friend she will wait somewhere around the area and sometimes she sends her friends and her friend’s daughters out to spy on me. Example: One time I said I’m meeting “Natasha” at Starbucks at 11. Got dropped off in town. Natasha couldn’t meet until 1 and we went to Caffè Nero. My mum was furious at me because she walked past Starbucks and sat outside waiting for me and I never showed up. “Who were you with, where were you what were you doing, you’re a liar, this is why I don’t trust you” The next day I met a different friend “Kayleigh” and outside the place we were meeting was my mum’s friend’s daughter who watched me go in, who I sat with and immediately started typing on her phone. (I was 28 at the time this happened. Not young!). She’ll also go into shops or cafes or places my friends work and ask if I was in and who was I with and things like that.

She refuses to let me have my own bank card and my own money. I need to say what I want the money for, show her the items I bought and also reciepts.

For some random reason when I was a child (maybe 6,7,8?) she told me my Nan (Dad’s mum) wants contact with me. My dad’s side of the family live a 6 hour journey away but I chose yes, I want to see them. My mum let me meet my Nan briefly but made many snide comments about hating her and contact dropped off. I WAS allowed to meet my aunts and uncles. And their children (my cousins). I could meet anyone I wanted as long as it wasn’t my Dad. And I was to never ask about him (at such a young age I was terrified to go against my mum’s wishes).

When I was 14 I started to ask about my Dad. My mum went cold and ignored me for a week straight then she got her friend to tell me he’s a loser who has no money and he only wants mine (umm, what money does a 14 year old have worth stealing?) They also said he’s a pervert and only wants contact me because I’m young. They said he has sexually assaulted my mum’s friend, my mum’s friend’s daughter and has attacked my mum.

I never saw or spoke to the family much. I only ever remained in contact with one aunt and her children. I was under the impression Dad re-married and had a wife and 3 kids. I contacted the girl on social media and considered her my sister. My mum was so angry and got someone to hack into my account, send my sister a load of abuse and blocked her.

When I was 18 (in 2008) we went to a big family party for my aunt (the first family event we had been to and we could only go because my Dad wasn’t there). My sister was there and it was the only time we’d ever met and she hid because she was terrified of ME.

Now I need to make this bit clear: I WASN’T HERE FOR THIS NEXT EVENT. This happened outside and I was inside at the bar. The one friend I took with me was with my mum. A cousin who my mum has always made it clear she hated and she tried to make me hate (“he stole your toys when you were 4” “his mother got him tickets to Disneyland and all you got was a photo album, isn’t that unfair?” and so many sly comments and looks) had attacked my mum. I got there as he pushed her up against a fence holding a glass bottle to her face and my cousins (his sisters and brother and our other cousins) were pulling him off of her and helping her. He claims she started it but she says she never said anything directly to his face. My friend confirmed this. Though my friend has since been caught out in many lies amd eventually blocked me. And my mum? Well she’s getting more aggressive. Example: She’ll go to a restaurant my friend owns and I temporarily worked at and demand freebies, refuse to pay and call him a tight fisted “see you N tea” and constantly tell other customers (even new ones who just walked in) how much she hated the food there. Eventually he banned her then banned me from working there, because of her behaviour. And (stupidly) it’s only recently I’ve started to think maybe my mum did cause the incident.

My mum’s been extremely paranoid about the incident. She was scared of him for years because he’s “loose” and “got away with it unpunished” (I have since found out he got over £1,000,fine! But for years she constantly told me they “couldn’t find the security footage” so “the whole family have tool his side and it’s a massive cover up and they’re all involved”). She absolutely forbid me to speak to any of the family at all.

The family continued to send me letters, wedding invitations, birthday cards. My mum would rip them up and it all eventually stopped. Around 5 years ago (so about 6 years after the incident) my cousin I was closest to and who helped pull her brother off of my mum added me on social media. I told my mum about it, lucky for me she’s not on social media but as I said, she has spies and I knew her reaction if she did find out. She told me I can do what I want but she won’t be happy. Then she told me to accept so we can spy on the family. So I added my cousin and as many names as I could remember from the family. Only a few accepted.

Only a few months ago a blank profile contacted me on social media with a phone number saying that’s my Dad’s. I’ve been too scared to phone it because if it got back to my mum I can’t even imagine. Also I have always feared he is dangerous because of what my mum and her friend have said. But it’s always confused me how he’s married and has other kids if he’s so “dangerous” One thing I’ve noticed is he is very rarely in family pictures. I must’ve come across around 2 in total. I stalked his children, the girl I think of as my sister. Her dad is not mine. Not the same face, not the same (first) name. She is my dad’s brother’s. She is my cousin. I’m not sure why my mum freaked out all those years ago when I spoke to her specifically. How is she different to my other cousins?!.

Now one of my cousins has spoke about coming down to visit me. I’d love to see her and I hope she has answers. The problem is she didn’t exactly ask. She just sort of said she is coming down to visit and has already booked the hotel and travel. The few people I trust to cover for me and not blab to my mum have all said it’s extremely important I meet her because she’ll have all the answers. I’ve also been encouraged to call my Dad. But I am so scared of my mum and her reaction. She is mentally and emotionally abusive and she gets physical, too. And if I do the slightest thing wrong she gets her friends, and their friends, and their kids to call and message me what an awful person I am (last time was “I forgot my sandwich, can we turn the car round” because how dare I be demanding and spoilt and MAKE my mum turn around etc etc) so I am too afraid to do something REALLY wrong.

I am so afraid of being caught out in a lie that I’ve been honest and told my mum my cousin is visiting. She thinks it’s an ambush. It’s revenge for all those years ago. She thinks I’ll go to meet one cousin and the whole family will be there waiting to attack me. Then she ignored me all night and when she spoke the next day she said I can only meet my cousin if I’m with her and she’s gonna punch my cousin before my cousin punches us. I don’t think my cousin is aggressive or after revenge because we are actually friends and speak all the time (mum doesn’t know this). (Example of my mum’s paranoia: I asked for some money to go on holiday. She gave it to me, my own and she made up what i cant afford. but kept saying the holiday is not going to happen. She still believes it didn’t. All the pictures of me on holiday? Photoshopped! She thinks I ran off with her money. Where did I go if not on holiday?).

I don’t think my cousin is aware of the beef because before she booked the hotel she asked to stay with us. I don’t want to explain about my mum yet as I dont want to put my cousin off coming. It’s so important that I meet her. But I also have no idea how I’m going to hide her! I don’t know how to start explaining to her.

Side note: I’ve had my mum seen to by doctors and she outright denies any mental health issues and refuses to take any meds because “nothing is wrong”

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sabraeal · 7 years

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Headcannon: Haki likes to play games with Izana, especially when she knows something that he doesn't. It's usually something minor and completely useless, but it drives Izana mad (low key of course) until he figures it out. But thats her favorite part of these games, because when he does figure it out the sex is great.

(Part Three of a series. Part One. Part Two.)

He must be made to trust her.

After the anger has faded and the wounds to her pride scabbed over, that is the thought that comes to her on her wedding night and every one thereafter. Until it can be proven to my satisfaction, he said, and that is the soil in which she plants her hopes in. She is no spy, and it should be all too easy to show that her allegiance lies with the crown.

Or at least it will, as soon as she is sure her royal husband does not mean to tear the North asunder.

He comes to her chambers every night for a week; she greets him warmly in front of her ladies. In their sight he acts like a loving bridegroom, if a bit restrained. Nothing that could not be explained by the dignity of his position. When she sends them away, blushing prettily at their sly smiles, his mask is promptly discarded, and he makes for the passage between their rooms.

“Why do you come at all, then?” she asks, trying to smooth the spite from her voice. She will keep his secret – their secret – but he owes her an explanation, at the least. “If you cannot abide me.”

He hesitates a moment, eyebrows lifted in surprise. “We are just married.” He smiles at that, strangely soft. “And – what is it they always say about newlyweds? – they cannot keep their hands off each other.”

She is wroth to find her first thought is, then you should not keep your hands off me.

If she is to prove her worth to him, she must impress him; she must show him she can offer him something that no one else can.

It must be a surprise. Which means it cannot be done in front of her ladies.

An easier thing said than done. They are around her always during the day, kind if a bit quiet. Now that she has had more than a few hours to know them, she sees that they are not a bevy of eligible maids, as she had original thought, but unmarried woman closer to her own age. None of them seem to be much interested in the young bucks at court, instead suggesting they take walks through the gardens – world-renowned, they assure her, though none of them have seen the hothouses of Lyrias – or painting by the river, or, on poorer days, needlepoint inside.

If his personality did not make it impossible, she might suspect rather uncharitable reasons for his selection of these women. It would not be the first time a king hid his mistresses in his wife’s entourage.

But there are no jealous glares, no posturing, and – miraculously – no in-fighting. Instead they are a gentle touch at her elbow, a helpful comment whispered in her ear. If she’s not careful, she might find herself trusting them.

Still, duping them is child’s play. This is not her first time escaping her chaperone.

The Queen Dowager intends to stay at Wistal for a few weeks after the wedding. Haki finds herself torn: on the one hand she is glad of it, for they have always gotten on, as close as two women may be who are not mother and daughter; but at the same time it is clear that she is here to serve as distraction. Whenever her husband holds court, or he speaks with the council, she is suddenly possessed with an invitation from Her Majesty. She may not be forbidden from the room, but she is certainly being told she is not welcome.

Her Majesty’s presence also has another unpleasant side effect: informal dinner.

“You should take your wedding trip soon,” the Queen Dowager suggests, undaunted by her son’s forbidding look. “If you plan to go out of the country, you would do well to plan before autumn, otherwise the passes may freeze. You know how the mountains always snow early.”

Izana lets out a long breath through his nose, setting down his fork. “I do not think now is the time for such a thing, Mother.”

“Now is the perfect time,” she informs him blithely, in the way only a mother could. Haki hides her grin behind a napkin, pretending to dab off some of her soup course.

“Mother.” The word is said with long-suffering patience, flavored with the slightest hint of plaintiveness. “The situation here is…delicate. It would not do to have me away.“

Her Majesty arches one of her perfectly formed brows. “I think the situation could be a lot more delicate. A wedding trip would help with that.”

Her husband valiantly ignores the suggestion, appearing too taken with the roasted duck on his plate.

“I’ve heard Yuris is quite nice, this time of year,” she continues, unperturbed by her son’s reticence. “Though some say Viande is finer. More cosmopolitan.”

His mouth pulls flat, but he replies, so even, “Viande is far too young for my tastes. Later, maybe.”

His mother’s mouth curves slyly. “I’ve always preferred the islands myself.”

It is good to know that even here, her family name keeps its clout. The North does not forgive, but nor does it forget, he father had told her so many times.

She is pleased to find how true it is.

When Her Majesty leaves, her husband stops his nightly visits – but not entirely.

He takes dinner with her twice weekly, and when they have finished, he escorts her to her chambers, letting all and sundry see him slip inside. He, of course, does not stay longer than to bid her a civil goodnight.

“Am I to assume your eagerness was all a show for Her Majesty?” she asks one night before he leaves. It is a marvel how even her voice is.

“It is only natural for the ardor to cool between wed couples,” he explains, “I thought two nights would be enough so that I do not seem to be neglecting my duties, neither in the court nor…bedroom.”

She has a novel’s worth of things to say about that, but she says instead, “It just so happens to coincide with your mother’s departure.”

He flinches, but a bare moment later he is compose again, as if it had never happened. “Consider it a courtesy to you,” he tells her breezily. “Pray you never have idea how interested she is in…grandchildren.”

At last, her connections bear fruit. She is quick to pen her letter, mouth curved slyly as she slips it to her messenger.

Oh, how surprised His Majesty will be.

“I heard Her Majesty sent you a letter,” Haki starts, crossing her utensils over the soup course to signal she is ready for the next. “How is Wilant?”

It is part of her plan to ask, but as the words fall out, she find that she wants to know. Wistal is ever-summer, a paradise compared to the endless winters of the North but –

But it is her home, nonetheless. She misses it.

“Cold,” he says simply, agitated. After a long pause, he adds, “She was inquiring after a wedding trip again. She assured me it would help along some more delicate issues.”

Haki stifles a snort. She misses the woman more than she expected; she had hoped that her departure would leave her time to involve herself in council sessions, but instead there are yet more ladies to please, and she wishes instead she could beg off to walk the gardens with Her Majesty. She is far more pleasant company than most in the capital, and familiar.

She does not think her husband can be behind all of her invitations, but neither does she think it is an accident that there is always a tea or luncheon she cannot possibly miss when there is due to be a meeting.

“She favored Yuris, did she not?” Haki composes her face into a thoughtful expression. “That is where our newest councilor is from, is it not? From when you had to remove Brecker?”

“Yes,” her husband says, a little absent. “He finally tried something a little more egregious than obstructing a messenger bird. I thought it time to let Yuris’ people have a say in the way they are governed.”

It bothers how much she could like him, if he was someone that allowed himself to be liked.

“Yes, I remember now.” She presses a finger to her lips in though. “Ah, yes – the councilor. It’s the chieftain’s daughter is it not?”

“It is.”

“Kihal. I talked to her at the wedding. A bright girl.” She lifts her wine glass, taking a casual sip. “I’ve heard she’s considered a good match for the prince.”

Her husband goes curiously still.

“And the princess of Viande as well, no?” she asks, so innocent. “Akaibara. She’s quite young though. Fifteen is it? I doubt Zen would consent to such a match, if it was proposed…now.”

His mouth lifts at the corner, canting his lips into a smirk. He lays down his fork, drawing his gaze up to meet hers. “All right, wife. You have my attention.” He settles back into his chair. “What do you plan to do with it?”

“Oh!” She flutters her eyelashes prettily. “I only meant to suggest that I could be of service to you, husband.”

His long fingers drum thoughtfully on the table. “Is that so?”

“I found that out easily enough.” She tries to keep the frustration out of her voice. “And that was in a court in which I had very few connections. One might imagine I could do more with connections more familiar…”

“You would not say such a thing if you did not already have a tender morsel to give.” She flushes under his sultry look, his hooded eyes reminding her of nothing more than that she is a married woman who has not yet lain with her husband. His hand reaches out for hers, running a finger along one of the long bones of her hand. “Come now, wife. Won’t you feed your husband?”

Haki fights the urge to pull her hands away, pushing back the muzziness in her head. She mislikes how easily he can turn her thoughts to mush and her knees to jelly.

“Oh, but husband,” she sighs, leaning just so, so that her breasts brush at his wrist. “If I am to serve, then are you not to take?”

His brows draw together as if her suggestion confused him, but then his gaze drops to her decolletage, and –

“Oh,” he breathes. “You are a clever vixen, are you not?”

Two long fingers slip between the lace of her gown and the linen of her chemise, pinching her prize between them. She does not think it is her imagination that he lingers, or that his breath comes as harsh as her own. His fingers slide out, brushing over the smooth skin of her breast –

“A letter?” he says, holding the nearly folded square of parchment. She’s folded it down to hardly more than an inch; a lesson learned during interminable lessons with the other maids at Wilant. “Cunningly done.”

She shrugs, feigning humility. “There is a trick to it.”

He opens it, his eyebrows lifting as he read the contents. “Rodatrad wants to place his daughter at court?”

“He’s quite eager, so I’ve been told,” she agrees. “From what I’ve heard, only a prince will do. We don’t have very many of those at Wilant.”

“Nor are you to get very many more, if my welcome was typical,” he remarks, and when she looks up to refute him, he is smiling. He is teasing. “Very good, wife. This is good information, indeed. I will have to talk this over with my advisors, so that we may plan how to approach this.”

“Oh, husband,” she purrs, leaning further into him. “Do you not know? I will take care of you in all ways.”

He stiffens. “What do you mean?”

“It is already handled,” she tells him, pleased. “I offered her a place among my ladies.”

“You did what?” He launches from his seat, leaving her cold. “Without my permission?”

She should have expected him to be ungrateful. “You may have forgotten, since I have been so permissive, but a Queen’s entourage is of her own selection.”

“I – only by the King’s leave.” He pinches the bridge of his nose. “You offered a position to a – how did you – how did you manage this? Your ladies –”

“You think I would do this in front of your spies?” she scoffs. “Do you think I am somehow new to –”

“Spies?” He stares at her as if he has never seen such a terrifying creature. “I surrounded you with the most politically adept young women that Wistal has to offer, and you – they were here to help you!”

She stares. He meant them to help? Her mind races as she recalls the last few weeks, how they were eager to impart knowledge of the other courtiers, of members of the council that crossed her path – oh, oh –

A thunderous cloud passes over his face. “Ah, but I should have known. You are far too clever to be helped.”

He throws his napkin onto the table. “I find myself weary after dinner. I think I shall go straight to bed.”

She can do little more than stare at her hands. If only he had told her –

He fixes her with one last glare. “After all, I have much to rectify tomorrow.”

#anonymous #hakizana #100 days of obiyuki (and more)#my fic #ans #haki is an excessively clever woman #used to being underestimated #whereas izana is not one to leave any piece underutilized #you can expect that there will be some level of....adjustment #as they get used to not being the smartest person in the room #(also despite the prompt #there is no sex in this fic #not yet)

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leanstooneside · 6 years

Text

ORIGINAL PRANKSTA

lamp because he must have come 3 or 4 times with that tremendous big red brute of a thing he has I thought the vein or whatever the dickens they call it was going to burst though his nose is not so big after I

series even if the first term of a succeeding one each imagining himself to be first last only and alone whereas he is neither first nor last nor only nor alone in a series

it wasnt washed out properly the last time I let him finish it in me nice invention they made for women for him to get all the pleasure but if someone gave them a touch of it themselves theyd know what I went through with Milly nobody would believe cutting her teeth too and Mina Purefoys husband give us a swing out of your whiskers filling her up with a child or twins once a year as regular as the clock always with a smell of children off her the one they called budgers or something like a nigger with a shock of hair on it Jesusjack the child is a black the last time

listener's and the narrator's

me his name who tell me who the german Emperor is it

mind now tell me who are you thinking of who is it

Id have to dring it into him for a month yes and then wed have a hospital nurse next thing on the carpet have him staying there till they throw him out or a nun maybe like the smutty photo he has shes as much a nun as Im not yes because theyre so weak and puling when theyre sick they want a woman to get well if his nose bleeds youd think it was O tragic and that dyinglooking one off the south circular when he sprained his foot at the choir party at the sugarloaf Mountain the day I wore that dress Miss Stack bringing him flowers the worst old ones she could find at the bottom of the basket anything at all to get into a mans bedroom with her old maids voice trying to imagine he was dying on account of her to never see thy face again though he looked more like a man with his beard a bit grown in the bed father was the same besides I hate bandaging and dosing when he cut his toe with the razor paring his corns afraid hed get bloodpoisoning but if it was a thing I was sick then wed see what attention only of course the woman hides it not to give all the trouble they do yes he came somewhere Im sure by his appetite anyway love its not or hed be off his feed thinking of her so either it was one of those night women if it was down there he was really and the hotel story he made up a pack of lies to hide it planning it Hynes kept me who did I meet ah yes I met do you remember Menton and who else who let me see that big babbyface I saw him and he not long married flirting with a young girl at Pooles Myriorama and turned my back on him when he slinked out looking quite conscious what harm but he had the impudence to make up to me one time well done to him mouth almighty and his boiled eyes of all the big stupoes I ever met and thats called a solicitor only for I hate having a long wrangle in bed or else if its not that its some little bitch or other he got in with somewhere or picked up on the sly if they only knew him as well as I do yes because the day before yesterday he was scribbling something a letter when I came into the front room to show him Dignams death in the paper as if something told me and he covered it up with the blottingpaper pretending to be thinking about business so very probably that was it to somebody who thinks she has a softy in him because all men get a bit like that at his age especially getting on to forty he is now

I was there a squad of them falling over one another and bawling you couldnt hear your ears supposed to be healthy not satisfied till they have us swollen out like elephants or I dont know what supposing I risked having another not off him though still if he was married Im sure hed have a fine strong child but I dont know Poldy has more spunk in him yes thatd be awfully jolly I suppose it was meeting Josie Powell and the funeral and thinking about me and Boylan set him off well he can think what he likes now if thatll do him any good I know they were spooning a bit when I came on the scene he was dancing and sitting out with her the night of Georgina Simpsons housewarming and then he wanted to ram it down my neck it was on account of not liking to see her a wallflower that was why we had the standup row over politics he began it not me when he said about Our Lord being a carpenter at last he made me cry of course a woman is so sensitive about everything

shape of my bedroom so I let him keep it as if I forgot it to think of me when I saw him slip it into his pocket of course hes mad on the subject of drawers thats plain to be seen always skeezing at those brazenfaced things on the bicycles with their skirts blowing up to their navels even when Milly and I were out with him at the open air fete that one in the cream muslin standing right against the sun so he could see every atom she had on when he saw me from behind following in the rain I saw him before he saw me however standing at the corner of the Harolds cross road with a new raincoat on him with the muffler in the Zingari colours to show off his complexion and the brown hat looking slyboots as usual what was he doing there where hed no business they can go and get whatever they like from anything at all with a skirt on it and were not to ask any questions but they want to know where were you where are you going I could feel him coming along skulking after me his eyes on my neck he had been keeping away from the house he felt it was getting too warm for him so I halfturned and stopped then he pestered me to say yes till I took off my glove slowly watching him he said my openwork sleeves were too cold for the rain anything for an excuse to put his hand anear me drawers drawers the whole blessed time till I promised to give him the pair off my doll to carry about in his waistcoat pocket O Maria Santisima he did look a big fool dreeping in the rain splendid set of teeth he had made me hungry to look at them and beseeched of me to lift the orange petticoat I had on with the sunray pleats that there was nobody he said hed kneel down in the wet if I didnt so persevering he would too and ruin his new raincoat you never know what freak theyd take alone with you theyre so savage for it if anyone was passing so I lifted them a bit and touched his trousers outside the way I used to Gardner after with my ring hand to keep him from doing worse where it was too public I was dying to find out was he circumcised he was shaking like a jelly all over they want to do everything too quick take all the pleasure out of it and father waiting all the time for his dinner he told me to say I left my purse in the butchers and had to go back for it what a Deceiver then he wrote me that letter with all those words in it how could he have the face to any woman after his company manners making it so awkward after when we met asking me have I offended you with my eyelids down of course he saw I wasnt he had a few brains not like that other fool Henny Doyle he was always breaking or tearing something in the charades I hate an unlucky man and if I knew what it meant of course I had to say no for form sake dont understand you I said and wasnt it natural so it is of course it

it was all his fault of course ruining servants then proposing that she could eat at our table on Christmas day if you please O no thank you not in my house stealing my potatoes and the oysters 2/6 per doz going out to see her aunt if you please common robbery so it was but I was sure he had something on with that one it takes me to find out a thing like that he said you have no proof it was her proof O yes her aunt was very fond of oysters but I told her what I thought of her suggesting me to go out to be alone with her I wouldnt lower myself to spy on them the garters I found in her room the Friday she was out that was enough for me a little bit too much her face swelled up on her with temper when I gave her her weeks notice I saw to that better do without them altogether do out the rooms myself quicker only for the damn cooking and throwing out the dirt I gave it to him anyhow either she or me leaves the house I couldnt even touch him if I thought he was with a dirty barefaced liar and sloven like that one denying it up to my face and singing about the place in the W C too because she knew she was too well off yes because he couldnt possibly do without it that long so he must do it somewhere and the last time he came on my bottom when was it the night Boylan gave my hand a great squeeze going along by the Tolka in my hand there steals another I just pressed the back of his like that with my thumb to squeeze back singing the young May moon shes beaming love because he has an idea about him and me hes not such a fool he said Im dining out and going to the Gaiety though Im not going to give him the satisfaction in any case God knows hes a change in a way not to be always and ever wearing the same old hat unless I paid some nicelooking boy to do it since I cant do it myself a young boy would like me Id confuse him a little alone with him if we were Id let him see my garters the new ones and make him turn red looking at him seduce him I know what boys feel with that down on their cheek doing that frigging drawing out the thing by the hour question and answer would you do this that and the other with the coalman yes with a bishop yes I would because I told him about some dean or bishop was sitting beside me in the jews temples gardens when I was knitting that woollen thing a stranger to Dublin what place was it and so on about the monuments and he tired me out with statues encouraging him making him worse than he is who is in your

money she can out of him no fool like an old fool and then the usual kissing my bottom was to hide it not that I care two straws now who he does it with or knew before that way though Id like to find out so long as I dont have the two of them under my nose all the time like that slut that Mary we had in Ontario terrace padding out her false bottom to excite him bad enough to get the smell of those painted women off him once or twice I had a suspicion by getting him to come near me when I found the long hair on his coat without that one when I went into the kitchen pretending he was drinking water 1 woman is not enough for them

he never did a thing like that before as ask to get his breakfast in bed with a couple of eggs since the City Arms hotel when he used to be pretending to be laid up with a sick voice doing his highness to make himself interesting for that old faggot Mrs Riordan that he thought he had a great leg of and she never left us a farthing all for masses for herself and her soul greatest miser ever was actually afraid to lay out 4d for her methylated spirit telling me all her ailments she had too much old chat in her about politics and earthquakes and the end of the world let us have a bit of fun first God help the world if all the women were her sort down on bathingsuits and lownecks of course nobody wanted her to wear them I suppose she was pious because no man would look at her twice I hope Ill never be like her a wonder she didnt want us to cover our faces but she was a welleducated woman certainly and her gabby talk about Mr Riordan here and Mr Riordan there I suppose he was glad to get shut of her and her dog smelling my fur and always edging to get up under my petticoats especially then still I like that in him polite to old women like that and waiters and beggars too hes not proud out of nothing but not always if ever he got anything really serious the matter with him its much better for them to go into a hospital where everything is clean but I

I only had a ring with the stone for my month a nice aquamarine Ill stick him for one and a gold bracelet I dont like my foot so much still I made him spend once with my foot the night after Goodwins botchup of a concert so cold and windy it was well we had that rum in the house to mull and the fire wasnt black out when he asked to take off my stockings lying on the hearthrug in Lombard street west and another time it was my muddy boots hed like me to walk in all the horses dung I could find but of course hes not natural like the rest of the world that I what did he say I could give 9 points in 10 to Katty Lanner and beat her what does that mean I asked him I forget what he said because the stoppress edition just passed and the man with the curly hair in the Lucan dairy thats so polite I think I saw his face before somewhere I noticed him when I was tasting the butter so I took my time Bartell dArcy too that he used to make fun of when he commenced kissing me on the choir stairs after I sang Gounods Ave Maria what are we waiting for O my heart kiss me straight on the brow and part which is my

my things with the blinds down after my hours dressing and perfuming and combing it like iron or some kind of a thick crowbar standing all the time he must have eaten oysters I think a few dozen he was in great singing voice no I never in all my life felt anyone had one the size of that to make you feel full up he must have eaten a whole sheep after whats the idea making us like that with a big hole in the middle of us or like a Stallion driving it up into you because thats all they want out of you with that determined vicious look in his eye I had to halfshut my eyes still he hasnt such a tremendous amount of spunk in him when I made him pull out and do it on me considering how big it is so much the better in case

me or dreaming am I in it who gave him that flower he said he bought he smelt of some kind of drink not whisky or stout or perhaps the sweety kind of paste they stick their bills up with some liqueur Id like to sip those richlooking green and yellow expensive drinks those stagedoor johnnies drink with the opera hats I tasted once with my finger dipped out of that American that had the squirrel talking stamps with father he had all he could do to keep himself from falling asleep after the last time after we took the port and potted meat it had a fine salty taste yes because I felt lovely and tired myself and fell asleep as sound as a top the moment I popped straight into bed till that thunder woke me up God be merciful to us I thought the heavens were coming down about us to punish us when I blessed myself and said a Hail Mary like those awful thunderbolts in Gibraltar as if the world was coming to an end and then they come and tell you theres no God what could you do if it was running and rushing about nothing only make an act of contrition the candle I lit that evening in Whitefriars street chapel for the month of May see it brought its luck though hed scoff if he heard because he never goes to church mass or meeting he says your soul you have no soul inside only grey matter because he doesnt know what it is to have one yes when I

Im him think of him can you feel him trying to make a whore of me what he never will he ought to give it up now at this age of his life simply ruination for any woman and no satisfaction in it pretending to like it till he comes and then finish it off myself anyway and it makes your lips pale anyhow its done now once and for all with all the talk of the world about it people make its only the first time after that its just the ordinary do it and think no more about it why cant you kiss a man without going and marrying him first you sometimes love to wildly when you feel that way so nice all over you you cant help yourself I wish some man or other would take me sometime when hes there and kiss me in his arms theres nothing like a kiss long and hot down to your soul almost paralyses you then I hate that confession when I used to go to Father Corrigan he touched me father and what harm if he did where and I said on the canal bank like a fool but whereabouts on your person my child on the leg behind high up was it yes rather high up was it where you sit down yes O Lord couldnt he say bottom right out and have done with it what has that got to do with it and did you whatever way he put it I forget no father and I always think of the real father what did he want to know for when I already confessed it to God he had a nice fat hand the palm moist always I wouldnt mind feeling it neither would he Id say by the bullneck in his horsecollar I wonder did he know me in the box I could see his face he couldnt see mine of course hed never turn or let on still his eyes were red when his father died theyre lost for a woman of course must be terrible when a man cries let alone them Id like to be embraced by one in his vestments and the smell of incense off him like the pope besides theres no danger with a priest if youre married hes too careful about himself then give something to H H the pope for a penance I wonder was he satisfied with me one thing I didnt like his slapping me behind going away so familiarly in the hall though I laughed Im not a horse or an ass am I I suppose he was thinking of his fathers I wonder is he

himself to be the first to enter whereas he is always the last term

theyre all so different Boylan talking about the shape of my foot he noticed at once even before he was introduced when I was in the D B C with Poldy laughing and trying to listen I was waggling my foot we both ordered 2 teas and plain bread and butter I saw him looking with his two old maids of sisters when I stood up and asked the girl where it was what do I care with it dropping out of me and that black closed breeches he made me buy takes you half an hour to let them down wetting all myself always with some brandnew fad every other week such a long one I did I forgot my suede gloves on the seat behind that I never got after some robber of a woman and he wanted me to put it in the Irish times lost in the ladies lavatory D B C Dame street finder return to Mrs Marion Bloom and I saw his eyes on my feet going out through the turning door he was looking when I looked back and I went there for tea 2 days after in the hope but he wasnt now how did that excite him because I was crossing them when we were in the other room first he meant the shoes that are too tight to walk in my hand is nice like

part he was pretty hot for all his tinny voice too my low notes he was always raving about if you can believe him I liked the way he used his mouth singing then he said wasnt it terrible to do that there in a place like that I dont see anything so terrible about it Ill tell him about that some day not now and surprise him ay and Ill take him there and show him the very place too we did it so now there you are like it or lump it he thinks nothing can happen without him knowing he hadnt an idea about my mother till we were engaged otherwise hed never have got me so cheap as he did he was lo times worse himself anyhow begging me to give him a tiny bit cut off my drawers that was the evening coming along Kenilworth square he kissed me in the eye of my glove and I had to take it off asking me questions is it

I was fuming with myself after for giving in only for I knew he was gone on me and the first socialist he said He was he annoyed me so much I couldnt put him into a temper still he knows a lot of mixedup things especially about the body and the inside I often wanted to study up that myself what we have inside us in that family physician I could always hear his voice talking when the room was crowded and watch him after that I pretended I had a coolness on with her over him because he used to be a bit on the jealous side whenever he asked who are you going to and I said over to Floey and he made me the present of Byron's poems and the three pairs of gloves so that finished that I could quite easily get him to make it up any time I know how Id even supposing he got in with her again and was going out to see her somewhere Id know if he refused to eat the onions I know plenty of ways ask him to tuck down the collar of my blouse or touch him with my veil and gloves on going out I kiss then would send them all spinning however alright well see then let him go to her she of course would only be too delighted to pretend shes mad in love with him that I wouldnt so much mind Id just go to her and ask her do you love him and look her square in the eyes she couldnt fool me but he might imagine he was and make a declaration to her with his plabbery kind of a manner like he did to me though I had the devils own job to get it out of him though I liked him for that it showed he could hold in and wasnt to be got for the asking he was on the pop of asking me too the night in the kitchen I was rolling the potato cake theres something I want to say to you only for I put him off letting on I was in a temper with my hands and arms full of pasty flour in any case I let out too much the night before talking of dreams so I didnt want to let him know more than was good for him she used to be always embracing me Josie whenever he was there meaning him of course glauming me over and when I said I washed up and down as far as possible asking me and did you wash possible the women are always egging on to that putting it on thick when hes there they know by his sly eye blinking a bit putting on the indifferent when they come out with something the kind he is what spoils him

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