#i didnt mean for this to get so long .. this is one of those. things that just sort of happened

[sgtmickeyslaughter]

✨It's the Wednesday Tag Gaammmme✨

happy wednesday everyone, this game has me feeling incredibly sentimental

thanks for tagging me @jrooc @creepkinginc @energievie @doshiart @energievie @lingy910y @blue-disco-lights @spookygingerr

How did you get into the fandom? 

I watched Shameless when someone recommend it and loved the show for many many reasons but the unreal depth and chemistry in Ian and Mickey's relationship came as a real shock to me

How long have you been here?

I actually went back and looked for this question and found out this blogs one year anniversary was a couple weeks ago!

What’s the first fandom channel you found? (Youtube, Reddit, Tumblr, Insta, Twitter, FB, other?)

Tumblr

what’s your favourite now? 

ditto

Which mutual have you known the longest in the fandom?

I honestly have no idea, but gallavichlover19 was the first person I really interacted with and they were really sweet about In Your Love

Which tumblerino’s did you have your first fandom crush(es) on and wanted to get to know?

I think @softmick and @jrooc and @callivich were the first who like, tagged me in things so I thought (and still think!) they're super neat

First Gallavich fan fic you read (or that blew you away that you remember)

I distinctly remember reading the broad shouldered beasts series and thinking oh wow, this fandom has some incredible fanfic quality

First fan art that blew your mind? 

this one was the first that i really really adored, and again, still do

Fanfic trope that you were sure wasn’t for you but now you low key (or high key) love?

This isnt super original, but I havent been able to read highschool au since i was in highschool, its just not that fun or interesting to me but there are always exceptions

What surprised you most about this fandom?

I mean, obviously like everyone else, the gallavich community on here is so sweet and creative and welcoming and I think we generally haver very respectful and nuanced conversations about this complex show, which is awesome

Im also a little surprised by how many non-americans are in the fandom, the commentary that the show makes broadly about the culture of america and very specifically chicago could be more alienating than other tv/movie exports so the fact that it still resonates is interesting and super cool to me. i tried to watch the UK version and just felt like i didnt grasp the cultural context

Moment in the show (or YT vids if you’re one of those) that you fell in hyperfixation with Gallavich?

literally the first time they hooked up in Mickey's bedroom, like you could just tell these two matched each others freak and the love story that unfolded just grew so beautifully and organically

Ian or Mickey?

you know what? IanandMickey. if the gallaghers have to deal with the fact that theyre slowly morphing into a single being, so do we.

Which Gallagher or Milkovich are you?

Honestly, I think Liam. Maybe? Independant, clever, eclectic, resourceful and thoughtful. And i think hes probably the most introverted in the bunch

hi! tagging below

@iansw0rld @mmmichyyy @mickittotheman @ian-galagher

@mickeym4ndy @gallawitchxx @mickeysgaymom @deathclassic

@em-harlsnow @mybrainismelted @heymrspatel @thepupperino

#sgt says #tag game

[lacecap]

i painted all the things i loved

#long post #fishbowl #piano #oc tag #sorry if the quality sucks these are all screenshots #who is piano talking to? good question. i dont know yet #its someone important though.... #i didnt mean for this to get so long .. this is one of those. things that just sort of happened #okay. good night :'') i hope we all get to paint the things we love

[good-beanswrites]

Just wanted to plant an idea if you wanted a bit of fuel: Mahiru asking Yuno to come to her cell before everything goes down.

Edit: I forgot the ask didn't say it but this is part of Kyanako's incredible Order Of Attack AU!

Didn't mean for this to become a mini Mappi study but here we are ✨ Thank you for the request! I fully intended to write them hanging out, but it's more right before they hang out lol. Went a bit on-the-nose with foreshadowing, but isn't that the fun part? It has become Emotional Over Mahiru Hour...

I kept things vague, but TW for mentioning her boyfriend's state of potential self-harm

Mahiru tried not to act superstitious, she really did. As much as she loved the idea of little luck charms, or avoided easy signs of misfortune, it was easier to keep quiet about such ridiculous things.

Maybe catching a bride’s bouquet meant no guarantees; maybe there was no real harm in stepping underneath ladders, maybe a coin tossed into a fountain had no real magic to its wish. However, the one thing she knew for sure held power was a lucky presence. Being in the right place at the right time could alter everything. And today was the right time for something. There was this waiting in the air. The prison had been holding its breath. Mahiru knew it was time to release it all.

“You must be so lonely, why don’t you let big sis Mahiru keep you company?” She beamed at Amane.

She often recalled the good fortune that she and a certain young man had crossed paths on the university terrace. She used to laugh with him about the wonderful coincidence of bumping into each other outside of the bakery, then the convenience store. 

Though she’d never spoken about it to him, she was also grateful for many occasions where she walked in on him at the precise moment to talk him out of something reckless. She always told him that they’d do everything together. He didn’t need to be alone anymore. 

“I wish to be alone. I need peace of mind to think.” Amane turned away from the cell door.

It was a good thing, too. Mahiru’s smile wasn’t as convincing as she said, “o-oh. Of course.”

She made her way around the panopticon, hearing Fuuta pace his cell in anticipation. He must have felt it too, this holding of breath. 

Or perhaps not. He turned down her offer for a bit of company, including a few more colorful words than Amane had. Mahiru just apologized for bothering him and headed back to her cell. She wasn’t sure where Mikoto was at this hour, but she didn’t feel like smiling through a third rejection.

She shook her head back and forth. She wished the motion could rattle the voices inside, she wished she could shake them all away. With her arms secured in place she could no longer cover her ears. She used to hum to keep them at bay, but lately they’d been too loud to stifle. They just kept on talking.

Their words told her the two were right. Nobody needed her company. No – nobody wanted it. Being together hadn’t helped her boyfriend. In fact, being together had been the very thing that got him killed. No wonder Amane and Fuuta wanted to avoid her. 

So then, this was for the best. She would rather deal with the brief sting of refusal than stumble in one day to find them hurt… or worse. As much as she tried to avoid the superstition of it all, the voices reminded her that her very presence could mean life or death. 

“Mappi, are you alright?” Mahiru hadn’t realized a tear had slipped down her cheek until she hurried to swipe it away in front of Yuno. 

“Hah, I’m fine! Just fine.” It was impossible to fool her, Mahiru had learned, but that never stopped her from trying. 

At least she always spoke tactfully. “Rough morning?”

Mahiru shifted her arms in her uniform, making a small sound of agreement.

“Can I do anything to help? What if I stay with you for a bit? I can do your hair, and…”

The voices were right. Amane and Fuuta knew it, too. Presences did hold power, and Mahiru’s was cursed.

But she would sound foolish admitting such a fear to Yuno. She'd heard plenty from the voices about how stupid and airheaded she was, there was no use in getting the same lecture from someone as grounded as her.

Mahiru managed a weak protest, unable to explain her real reasoning. Yuno was insistent. She didn’t give much of a choice. Could she feel the strangeness of the prison, as well? 

At last, Mahiru allowed her shoulders to sag. Yuno was lucky. And kind. Having her nearby would do her good. Amane and Fuuta would be alright. Mahiru had tried spending more time with them after verdicts were announced. Now, she made a mental note to pull back. If her love couldn’t save anyone, at least she could spare them from her curse. They would be safe. 

“Yes. Please stay. The truth is... I don't want to be alone.”

#milgram #mahiru shiina #yuno kashiki #amane and fuuta mentioned #i dont know how well this all fits in with your vision of the au but i had a ton of fun with this lmao sorry 😂 #oh hey if anyone knows any japanese superstitions like those in the beginning lmk #i was trying to research them but i kept getting lucky symbols/words - not necessarily actions like that #anyway thank you so much for this!! it was a really interesting moment to capture >:0 #drabbles that take me way too long to combine my three brain cells but im really pleased with the end result #i had a lot of Mahiru Thoughts but it took a bit of fiddling to make them fit together #the superstitiousness - the focus on one's presence - the parallels with his bf - what she's dealing with from the voices #im glad it came together semi-smoothly in the end asdfsd #i didnt mean for mahiru t break the fourth wall or anything -- #i always saw her as a master at picking up on social changes/cues so she can tell when things are most tense/kotoko is fully prepared #but she doesnt consciously know it -- she just knows that things feel Off #not only do the attacks confirm mahirus fear that shes cursed - but yunos involvement confirms her belief that shes extra lucky #i wonder if shed still end up spending all her time with yuno now that she thought she was such a protective person... #i couldnt articulate it right since the end was wrapping up so nicely - but mahiru starts to wonder if most people are fine being left alon #and *shes* the odd one out for craving company #then she feels isolated because by getting what she wants shes dooming someone else #i mean... if everyone you try to get close to starts getting hurt... wouldnt you worry about the same...? #AHAHAHAHA hope you enjoyed 🙃 #*posts this then retreats back into the void for a bit* #drabbles

[bloomingbluebell]

i feel so bad sometimes when i see people complaining about how their favs don't get a lot of content compared to my fav who gets a ton of content and i don't... really know what to do about it?

like i know i'm literally a part of the problem but i also literally cannot focus on anything else. i literally only read fanfiction about one character at a time and anything else just does not grab me as much. i can't explain why.

#yeah this is about lu #i feel so incredibly guilty when i can literally talk about none of the other boys only wild #and i can't explain why! it's not like i dislike the others at ALL #i love them #but they're not. the same to me. #literally my only options are to keep doing what i'm doing or to stop engaging with fandom altogether #like no fanfics no fanart nothing #which i. don't want to do #and im not exaggerating when i mean i do not read anything else #when i was in the got fandom i read ONLY fanfiction centered around arya #those bookmarks are still on my ao3 too. i have a lot of them #and there were a variety of pairings as long as i could get on board with them somewhat #(some of them icked me out but they didnt like. ruin the experience yknow?) #(got/asoiaf is just. one of those series) #and now its the same thing #i have a few bookmarked tua fanfics i just. never read #i liked tua until season 3 but it wasnt like. special interest levels of like #i would watch the new seasons in a weekend and hyperfixate but then they were just. gone #idk my brain is really weird /neg #i dont like only reading fics centered around one character but they make me really happy when i do read them #i wish i could branch out more but again. what i read makes me happy

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

mac i am so sorry to enter ur inbox with more qsmp but oh my god. qcellbit update. so he talked to bagi. his sister. he still doesn't remember her. he still needs time to process everything but she said she's waited fifteen years so she can wait a few more days. i'm crying and sobbing rn. also he doesn't even fucking remember what he did to get thrown in prison, all he knows is that he was killing people to survive one day and another he was behind bars. i'm UNWELL!!! he got called in to talk to cucurucho (the fuckin THING that's kind of the federation mascot and it tortured cellbit with a chainsaw months ago FUCK CUCURUCHO ALL MY HOMIES HATE CUCURUCHO) and he was just. fucking tired. yesterday he messed with the feds quite publicly and cucurucho questioned him about it and he said "i don't care what you do to me, you can torture me, i don't care. i just want my family back, i want a future with them. just give me peace. let me rest." HE SOUNDED SO FUCKING TIRED. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT HE WAS SAYING UNTIL SOMEONE POSTED A TRANSLATION BUT HE SOUNDED SO SO SAD. AND NOW CELLBIT HIMSELF IS GOING TO TWITCHCON SO QCELLBIT IS TAKING A WEEK LONG DEPRESSION NAP. MAC CAN U HEAR ME. I'M UNWELL. I'M LOSING IT. THIS IS ME RN

anyway. hows ur day. i might go watch some steven universe bc i have been meaning 2 rewatch it (or adventure time!!!! one of the two for sure) take a short break from binge watching hannibal 2 watch a silly funny cartoon :3 also still trying to make my way thru marble hornets again it's just such an insane series 2 rewatch u know but i'm getting there!!! sorry i am just currently lying on the floor in my brain thinking about qsmp i had 2 tell u what happened 2 ur blorbo in law today

NEVER APOLOGIZE TO ME ABOUT PUTTING STUFF IN MY INBOX I LOVE GETTING MAIL I LOVE LEARNING THROUGH OSMOSIS I LOVE LISTENING 2 PPL TALK ATBT THINGS THEY LOVE

that sounss aboslutely DEVASTATING btw. oh my god. so the whole thing is like.. she remembers him but he doesnt remember her ?? GODDDD thats so upsetting. im glad hes getting 2 take a nap even if it is a depression one sigh. oh man oh man i love this.

my day was! good i think! i have not had a day to reat since my whole job shadow debacle last week so im kimd of running on fumes BUT . i have off work tmw so im gonna get a haircut and feel all good about everything. and maybe work on some art bc im now caught up to my pre prepped invertober images and i have a couple other time sensitive things like that. ougah. we keep truckin. ive got a huge backlog of youtube videos to watch from last week + beginning of this week i cannot Wait to get thru those and also watch more adventure time !! bc i have offically gotten to Stakes (a marcelone centric mini series) and it is one of my favorite eras ever. i love you vampire lore!!!

#im like... skooo tired rn. i dont have ANY more words left in me. #but like i also dont want 2 sleep yet #i didnt shower this morning bc our gas lines have been down for like 3 days and we ran out of hot water #BUT theyre back up now. but also its like 11pm and my family is asleep and i dont want to wake them up #but i feel soooooo gross and greasy #+ my hair is at that point where its like. Uncomfortably Long. getting back into oh fuck i look like a girl territory. eugh #but its FINE bc im getting it CUT tomorrow. my favorite place had one (1) opening tomotrow afternoon so i snatched that shit up RIGHT away #uhhh what else. i watched some scary movies today those r always fun. #every day i yearn to be a) a man covered in blood or b) a vampire bite victim but like in a fun homoerotic way #those two things are not mutually exclusive but you know what i mean. i need 2 look like will graham #asks #friends!!! #anachronistic-falsehood #i am also revisiting an old blorbo rn and the nostalgia is hitting sooooo badly #i will not name this blorbo bc im not into public humiliation like that but ohh my god. favoritest guy ever. #fundamentally changed my life type character. #category 7 insane person moment. we stay silly !!! #im like. sooooo sleepy and rambly but also i feel a little bit like an oyster rn

[stirdrawsandreblaws]

trying to gently explain to someone that you do not make an oc for a decades-old thing that has one of the most autistic and lore-entrenched fanbases without being willing to do either 1) a cursory wiki skim beforehand about the extensively well-established canon you're supposedly building your character off of, or 2) prepare for people to Not Like Or Understand What You're Going For, Here

tl;dr if you wanna do an alternate interpretation of a d&d god (and llolth??? being a sad misunderstood and distant power who didn't want any murdering done in her name????? and Personally treats a *male* cleric well???? is Definitely an alternate interpretation) then...make your own setting and write or DM for it?? instead of being mad that other people would share lore with you bc what you've come up with directly contradicts the canon that everyone else is going by???

#stirring up trouble #that aita made me spit blood. and while i am inclined to say theyre not an asshole bc i think its just a Rookie Mistake on that OP's part... #You Are The One Kicking Down The Sandcastles In The Sandbox Actually. ive done the same thing as a newbie to fandoms yknow #speculative headcanons for shit i simply didnt know existed. but when i got corrected i simply adapted and reworked my headcanons #instead of getting mad that someone else was willing to share knowledge and cite sources. *shrugs* long as they arent mean abt it. #anyway for those of you who are not aware: llolth is so fucked up even other evil gods avoid her. she's beefing with tons of them #llolth-worshipping drow society is also INTENSELY matriarchal. men are breeders or cannon fodder. llolth also LOVES infighting #and maintains her stranglehold on underdark drow by choking out rival faiths and 'culling the weak' via Lots Of Assassinations And Murders #so that only her bestest and most specialest followers get to live. basically turning them all into zealots. this is literally the canon. #and ***that*** is the goddess this person chose to 'save' their cleric dude???? comparing her to catholic god in that post even. like. what. #but hey. homebrew or with a dm that's cool with it?? fine. just. not in a freeform rp discord running off of forgotten realms canon. wtf

[wind-becomes-lightning]

dont want to hot take on @ahhhhhwhat's great post, but I think fandom would have less fights in general if it could understand that friendships are equally / if not more important than romantic feelings.

like, idk if yall just never had close friends, but I would absolutely go the extra mile for them and I just know if I were a fictional character people would tell me I'm doing it because I love them so much (romantically). Like "Oh, she organised that a cake was sent to A*** house for his birthday and says its because she felt bad that he couldnt celebrat during the pandemic but clearly it is because she wants to bang him" or whatever. like no. i just really really value my friends.

#nisi rambles #i could go on and on about this #how shippers get literally SO UPSET when i say i prefer those and those people as friends #as if that somehow WORSE #as if friends dont stay with you your whole life when romantic love fades away #as if they dont stick with you through your hardest times and help you come out on the other end healthy #i didnt have any friends for a long time in my life or not many at least #and the ones that are sticking with me are so valuable #so if A has birthday and we cant visit him because its dangerous #yes i will organise him a cake thats sent to his house #because its a nice thing to do that makes him happy #still doesnt mean i want to bone him

[skyllion-uwu]

Am I nauseous because I'm hungry or because I triggered myself last night

#my stomach hurts and i need to eat but the idea of doing that is. ack #and i cant tell my parents why because id have to unpack so much spontaneously #like id have to explain i was on the internet before they let me make an account and that i didnt tell them when i was getting those dms #and how its basically ruined any neutrality i had towards sex because ill be fine and then BAM! #everyone else is 12 year old me and im an adult and im my abuser and im going to hurt them if i keep talking about this #just because it was only words doesnt mean it fucked everything up forever. i know back then i was aroace but didnt have the words #but i sincerely think id be just sex neutral if it wasnt for that fucking asshole and now i think about sex for too long and get sick #and i didnt say anything because i thought they were my friend and i dont know if they were 11 like they said they were or not either way #its just. im getting so much off my chest here i wish i could go back in time and tell myself to block after that first message #and i didnt say anything after i realized because i wasnt allowed to have social media and i didnt want to get in trouble over that part #fantasizing alone is one thing but as soon as someone else is involved theyre me and im that person on da and i hate it. i hate it i hate it #i hate it i hate it #is that a common thing. where you feel like youre the abuser in certain contexts even if youre nothing like them #whatever. i have physical therapy and then ask a prof if i can use him as a reference and then finish my application if he gets back to me #and then i can rot all i want #sky vents like amogus

[vazaez]

that’s not very cis of you

BYE🛌

It's complicated alright 😭💀

#a lil personal story about this now that the topic came up: #some time ago i started questioning my gender identity but i didnt like the spanish they/them pronouns on myself #they just didnt sit right lol #so i tried using gender neutral language (ig yall know spanish is one of the many languages that is VERY gendered #even fcking objects have their own 'gender' lmao) so yea if it pas possible i phrased what i said abt myself in a pronounless way #but when it was not possible to do that id use male pronouns to try how i felt with them. the thing is that every fucking time i did that #some dude in a gc i was in said 'dO u hAvE a D¡cK????' and it made me really uncomfy as if i needed it to be able to use those pronouns 🧍 #LITERALLY EVERY TIME so eventually i gave up because i thought what's the point of finding my identity if it wont be respected anyways? #so yea im resigned to be seen as the same I was born with the same i've always been and the same everyone knows me #dont get me wrong i dont always hate being a girl but sometimes it makes me curious how would it be if i wasnt #and i dont mind what pronouns ppl use with me most of the time as long as it's not with a bad intention #I've wondered if maybe i'm a she/they? idk i just gave up thinking about it #at least for now. i have my whole ass life to find out what or who i am so i don't feel there's a need to rush tbh #woah this rant got rlly long sorry lol idk if anyone will read this far 🏃 #btw it's not only about that guy but he made me constantly remember that most people at least here in latam are very closed minded #just like him so if i ended up finding an identity i was happy with it wouldnt be respected by most people irl anyways #i'm not in that gc anymore tho #i hope i was able to like explain well what i mean? i don't wanna seem like i gave up that easily just because some dude was being a jerk #it's just that i'm kind of an overthinker

[useful-boy]

Oh yeah uh, final update on the hospital stuff for now that actually has nothing to do with my health, but instead how the nurse I had today treated me

I did fuck up here I will admit, but the whole thing would've been over a lot faster if she'd actually helped me at all.

#nurses do have hard jobs but please. all you had to do was say 'go right' instead of leading me to a hallway with a fourway intersection #and saying 'its down the hall' and walking away #WHICH hall? hello? #her entire vibe had been kind of off since i got admitted. and i cant point to any one thing she did because it was really just #the way she talked kind of reminded me of those popular girls in high school that come up to the weird kid in class and pretend #to want to be their friend while laughing at them behind their hand. but she hadnt actually Done anything or said anything openly rude #now i know for sure she wasnt a very nice or helpful person. all i needed was a way to go #id have gone to the room looked around checked my purse and been like 'oh oops wrong phone. well now i can go' #instead of wandering arounf lost only to find her again and get dismissed like 'i already helped her' no you didnt!!! you didnt try at all! #huff #long post #technically #i almost hit discord character limit twice while writing this #hospitals #nurses #mean girl to nurse pipeline is so real

[killuaisaprincess]

Non-Breath Oblige

Bisky was a good, calculated choice. Alluka and Nanika both love Leorio, and Killua does too, not that he’d admit it out loud to the old man, but Leorio couldn’t fight them. He would try, but Killua doesn’t want anything to happen to Leorio. If worse came to worse, and he has to confront his family…

Alluka likes Bisky too.

“Thanks…”

The air just feels so tight and heavy. He can’t breathe, he doesn’t want to breathe, but it’s a necessity. Bisky tilts her head towards him, and he just freezes. His own hands aren’t his, and his feet aren’t his, and he can’t ground himself to anything.

“I’m sorry.”

Of course, she’s disappointed; why wouldn’t she be? Why wouldn’t anyone be?

He grips the fabric of his shirt, the fibers itching against his skin; as he tilts his head up, the sun blinding, he can’t breathe. His throat burns, his head pounds, and he blinks back the tears.

“I…“

“I-I couldn’t do it.”

So hit him for it. Punish him for failing. It’s the least he deserves. He’s a failure of an heir… failure of a friend… maybe they were right to hurt him. Maybe he should’ve never left home… his father was right. Bisky was right. Everyone was right. But he can’t go back. Seeing Alluka and Nanika happy…

He loves them.

He hates himself.

“Sorry.”

He tries to be as blunt as possible, but his voice wavers and tears roll down his cheeks.

“Sorry… it took me so long… but I kept my promise…”

He left Gon’s side.

He slumps down to the floor, tugging at the ends of his sleeves. It won’t hurt. Not compared to how much he feels like he’s drowning. Like his lungs will never get a breath.

The pain doesn’t come, just a firm but gentle hand resting on his head.

“I am the one who is sorry, Killua. I failed you both as a mentor.”

His skin itches. He’s gonna drown. He’s gonna drown.

“N-no… I…”

It’s not your fault. His whole life, he’s been told he doesn’t deserve friends. Shouldn’t have them. They were right. He should’ve listened.

“I just…”

He wished he had listened. His own body is fighting him and tearing him apart. Some part really wishes he had left. Then maybe he wouldn’t feel this pain! Maybe it’s selfish… but if he had just left. Gone back home… Illumi could stick more needles in him, and he’d just forget it all. Forever… But he can’t do that to them. His sisters. He would’ve never remembered… if he had gone. He wants them to have a fun life…

It just hurts so much sometimes. He feels like he’ll die.

“I… I’m sorry.”

He whispers in a breathy voice, biting down on his lip till he can taste copper.

“If that is what you feel you need to say, but Killua… It is not your fault. I am sorry I put that burden on you.”

Her words have a sternness to him that runs cold to his very bone, but her fingers hold a gentleness, resting in his locks of hair and playing with them.

He supposes they are the same.

Liars. And terrible at expressing themselves. But he knows she cares.

“Thanks, old hag.”

She doesn’t hit him for once.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　　 ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

He’s drowning.

The cold metal railing of the balcony is harsh against his feet, the wind whipping and hitting his bare legs, pain tingling right down his spine, a shiver coursing through his body. It felt like a harsh whip against his legs. He stares blankly at the light scars, wrapping his arms around himself.

The sun is coming up.

He looks down.

Just do it! He wants to do it! He can’t take it anymore!

Everyone! Everyone would have been happier! If he’d just never been born…

Everyone… All those people he was forced to kill. Gon. Gon. Gon would’ve been happier if he had never been born. Gon might’ve died with Kite, but what if he didn’t…? And it was all his fault. His fault. Everyone would be happier.

Maybe even Illumi. Maybe Illumi would be less twisted. Maybe Alluka and Nanika would’ve never been locked up… his fault…

Gotoh…

He can’t-

He wants to die.

Killua can’t anymore; once he dies… can he breathe again?

He falls backward, landing on the balcony, pain crashing through his body and breaking at his ankle. He sits up shakily, breathing heavily, and tears blur his vision; he can’t tell if he broke it; he can only see the mix of red and purple against his pale skin. Everything hurts too much to tell… he can’t. He’s gonna die. He hates it.

He can’t-

He digs his fingers into his hair, pulling and tugging, sobbing.

“Hey, buddy. Hey.”

Leorio…

Everything feels distant except his voice and warm, kind hands gently prying his fingers from his hair.

He’s so selfish. How could he…? Leorio already lost a friend, and Alluka… and Nanika… it just hurt so much-

“…’m sorry…”

imsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorry

“Hey. Hey. It’s okay, buddy.”

Killua recognizes the texture of the chalk that Leorio pushes into his hand; he hated it originally; it made his skin itch, he just wanted to scratch and scratch until he bled, but now there’s a comfort to it, and a weight that makes him feel like he is here.

“Why don’t you draw me a nice picture, okay, buddy?”

“…okay…”

A small breath into his lungs.

Leorio always treats him like a child. Killua doesn’t hate it. When he’s done, and it looks no better than a five-year-olds, and he sniffs and rubs his sleeve under his nose, Leorio just pats his head and tells him it’s amazing and takes a photo on his phone.

Killua’s not stupid; he knows it’s a way for Leorio to keep track of when he does this…

“…’m sorry…”

He doesn’t deserve Leorio.

He doesn’t complain ever, and even when Killua buries his face in Leorio’s pajamas or his expensive suits and cries, he never minds.

“Hey. Don’t apologize, buddy. You don’t ever have to apologize for being you to me. I love you.”

“I-I love y-you t-too.”

He can barely say it between hiccuping, but he means every word.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　　 ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

“You’re doing that on purpose!”

The screeching of his best friend makes him laugh.

Killua takes another bite of the takoyaki, grinning.

“Oh, come on, no, I’m not. Besides… everyone knows you’re the best squid!”

Killua looks down, smiling and placing his skewer to the side, his red friend's eyes widening and filling with tears.

“D-do you mean that?”

“Of course I do.”

He smiles softly, swinging his legs back and forth, letting the edge of his sandals hit the cement.

“Killua. Gon is going to be here. Will you be okay?”

A cold slender hand rests on his shoulder, and he kicks some of the dirt, inhaling. Shouldn’t he be asking her that instead? She was obsessed with Gon once. Maybe that’s another reason… they somehow ended up friends.

“Palm. I’ll be fine…”

She sits beside him quietly with a pensive look as she covers one of her eyes.

“They will be arriving soon.”

“Yeah...”

Iklago jumps up, sitting on his other side, placing a tentacle-like hand on his knee.

They sit in silence. But it’s all Killua needs.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　　 ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

“You look pretty, big brother!”

Killua gingerly takes the straw hat from his sister's fingers, admiring the pink ribbon around it. Joy pushes up in his chest, and he smiles, placing it on his head. It complements the long white sundress he is wearing, with the tiny pink lace in the front tied in a bow.

“Thanks, Alluka, Nanika; I love it.”

He stands up on his tiptoes, patting her dark locks before letting his feet sink into the sand. Everytime he sees them; his heart just fills with so much pride and joy. All the suffering in his life was worth it, just for that.

She puts on her own hat, the ribbon split in colors, red and blue, and marches off, humming.

Killua guesses he better go too.

He feels the ocean pulling him in again…

Killua looks over at the waves crashing down, grabbing the top of his hat as the breeze picks up.

He’s okay.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　　 ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

“Woahhh! Killua, you look really pretty!”

Gon still has that same smile. Those same warm eyes. And he’s saying things that should make Killua’s stomach twist and his heartbeat flurry. It’s Gon. It’s Gon. The anxiety, the thought would drown him…

It doesn’t. He swims up past it.

Gon’s smile… his words… him… Killua doesn’t feel any anxiety. Sadness. Fear. Butterflies. He doesn’t feel anything.

He smiles; a polite one. Not like the ones he gives Alluka and Nanika, or Ikalgo and Palm, or Leorio.

“Thanks.”

He turns on his heel, looking as Ikalgo jumps up and down.

“Killua! Come on!”

He takes a step forward in the sand, running forward, laughing, letting the breeze whip up his dress and tangle his hair, and...

He doesn’t look back.

#hxh #leorio #killua #bisky #alluka #Hunter X Hunter #killua hunter x hunter #;windy’s stuff #ikalgo #palm siberia #LOVE KI PROTECT KI #My heart aches so much for Ki. I just wanna wrap him in a blanket and protect him so badly; it legit hurts. #I just can’t help but I just think how much Biskys words worsened Ki’s mental state in the long run even if it helped in the short term #the kid already doesn’t love himself 🥺 it hurts so much. It just hurts. The poor kid deserves so much more. #ACTUALLY HURT SO MUCH NOT TO PUT GK TOGETHER. IT HURT SO IF I HAVE TO SUFFER SO DOES THE ONE PERSON WHO READS THIS 😤 #It actually hurt so bad Ki in a cute dress 🥺 and Gon calling him pretty is one of my fave niches; I LOVE IT. But I really liked the conclus #lusion of Ki moving on and just having friends and loving himself. #KI BEING HAPPY ACTUALLY AHHHH MEANS THE WORLD TO ME 🥺 I JUST WANT HIM TO BE LOVED AND HAPPY AND BE TREATED LIKE A PRINCESS 😤 #LEO HELPING KI STEP DOWN FROM SUICIDAL THOUGHTS BY MAKING HIM DO LIKE CHILDLIKE THINGS HURTS SO MUCH #CUZ KI DIDNT GET TO ENJOY THOSE THINGS AS A KID TRULY 🥺🥺🥺😭😭😭😭 they may have given him toys but they still just hurt him like #I’m not a doc obvi so like idk but I like the idea it’s like him healing Ki’s inner child it hurtsssss I’m in so much pain fuck. Ki deserves #the world 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭🤧🤧🤧🤧

[daydadahlias]

Hey Jess, as a person who gets curious about hyper specific stuff, I wanted to know what color that yellow/brown-ish sweater was listed as by the designer. I wasn’t trying to be pretentious or something when calling it cognac, btw; it’s a regularly used description in my language, like you would use tan for leather, or dogs in English.

So anyway, I hopped on the John Varvatos site and saw that they call it copper. The cream white one from the beach selfie is listed as charcoal/turtle dove. Now on sale for a mere $235 (from $465). Wasn’t expecting precious little bean to be able to afford that on a music teacher salary. 😉

hello bestie

in this alternate universe, our precious lil' bean got that shirt from a good will <3 just like i actually got an almost exact replica of Ashton's very own yellow/brownish/copper sweater a few months ago for 6 dollars <33

#no i didnt mean to say YOU were being pretentious it's just one of those things where i try to avoid using words in dialogue especially #that arent super common #like im from the US and i dont think ive ever heard someone say 'cognac' casually in conversation yknow #and since calum is the one saying it. it just felt like yellow was simple and worked #i do agree the shirt is copper however that's also still a word i dont think is used super casually in convo #so now as a team bonding activity we can pick the new color of the sweater for me to change it to in the fic #how do we feel about calum calling it 'brownish'?? would u be opposed #i can change it to copper tho if we prefer copper #or we could cut the adjective entirely #open to suggestions #pigeon #anon #lmfao getting war flashbacks from when someone got onto me abt using the word 'jugular' in scene 14 and i had to delete it from the fic #god now im second guessing even calling it a sweater is this just a long sleeved shirt #im panocking #idk like in my mind. calum would say yellow. #he's colorblind in the fic actually and ur being ableist rn /j #that is Such a joke pls do not take that seriously #idk i just feel like he would use... a basic word #bc if he used cognac ashton's basic little southern ass would go 'hUh?'

[bulldagger-bait]

Will never forget being a kid and telling someone i was south african only to have them ask:

"Did you have clothes in africa?"

"Had you ever had a bath before coming to Australia?"

"Did you live in a house with walls and bricks?"

Like. Yeah, I guess we were 8... But also i feel like a lot of people's understanding of "Africa" has never really progressed past that point.

#its why i get so like... tetchy about generalisations regarding africa #like. its one thing if people are like. have you ever seen a lion in the wild. cos like. for aussies you do just see the wildlife loose #but some people 100% uncritically view africa as a backwater with everyone living in tribal societies #like we dont have skyscrapers too #like the poorest countries in the world have high rises and skyscrapers... #like yeah there is abject poverty too. and its poor person poverty not white person poverty. like poverty poverty #but that doesnt mean that the people arent.... human...?? yknow? #idk ive just dealt with a lot of very dehumanising attitudes #also im white so i had a very priveliged upbringing but when kids asked those questions i was IMMEDIATELY intimately aware that they saw me #as lesser #i wasnt a peer to them. i was beneath them. i probably hunted my own food and didnt know what a supermarket was #but yeah. being “from africa” brings interesting baggage i tell ya #lets just say that your parents playing the “kids starving in africa” card is *a lot* more effective #esp in my case bc my family was very poor in ZAR and food was always a bit of a touchy subject #when ur parents are skipping meals so you can eat and you have the misfortune of being a bit fussy... yeah... #yeah. you dont really get to have sensory issues with food. like my parents relented and let me skip peas and corn bc they would make me #have astronomical meltdowns. but like. other foods i had problems with too but they were 6/10 bad instead of 10/10 bad #so i just had to learn to eat them anyway and mask my emotional reactions. #im still trying to unlearn this. i still feel so guilty when i struggle with a texture and leave food on my plate. #and im still learning to be okay with having certain foods be like absolute no-go's without feeling foolish or childish about it #didnt even realise i had the coriander soap gene at first cos i am not unfamiliar with eating things even if my body says NOOO #anyway. long tangent. but the whole “you could be living in poverty right now” thing instead is... its like the parent nuke #i remember i got so offended once when my friend said that he hated being Australian and complained about what was bad with it #and like. he had points. Australias not perfect. but i have Immigrant Baggage and so complaining about Australia is also like... #idk like. i could be living in south africa. im pretty stoked to be here.. #so my brain cant be normal about it. and im also paranoid about people thinking im a bad immigrant for having problems with Australia etc

[hecksupremechips]

The way akishinji and ashbella both have dramatic coma scenes and dramatic shot through the heart scenes like we’ve gotta stop meeting like this 😩

#the klock keeps ticking #theres actually so many similarities between these two pairings which is. probably why theyre my favorite pairings ever #like theres shinji and ashton they are guys with long hair/crabby/trying to be cool but theyre lame/emo/fingerless gloves/repressed #care so so deeply about their friends and break their fucking backs trying to protect them but are terrible with expressing their affection #with words so they come off as uncaring and rude/associates with shady people/buried beneath lies they tell to their friends/hate themselves #plans to die alone because they think they dont matter/bad at sincerity/has it bad like really bad for aki/bella #they love aki/bella for their kindness and sincerity and they feel theyre unworthy of it and that theyre a burden #gets [REDACTED] and held by aki/bella #then the aki isabella similarities are like older sibling who works too hard/stubborn/bad at reading social cues #too good for this world/will punch their friends if needed/bad at self care/emotionally repressed/kinda clumsy and silly #when they find out about shinji/ash trying to get themselves killed they get very angry and emotional and have a big confrontation #lose an important family member despite all their efforts to keep them safe/have trouble understanding their own feelings #especially if those feelings are romantic #and like both couples love to argue and bicker but care for each other so deeply its annoying lol and theres lots of miscommunication #cuz god theyre bad at having feelings and expressing them to each other and theyre long term friends #the coma scenes and the shot through the heart scenes are waaaaay better on the ashbella end though thats a given #since the letter has significantly better writing good god lol #like the emotions are very real and they fuck me up so bad then p3 its like. aki cries for 3 seconds and thats all you get cuz god forbid #a character in this series get to like. be written in a satisfying way lol #the letter just works so much better like akishinji would benefit from those scenes but ashbella needs like no work aksjks #plus ‘this is how it should be’ is a line that i fucking hate cuz of how its treated afterwards meanwhile fucking #‘you are going to die ashton frey. and you are going to die alone’ ‘she got one thing wrong though. i did not die alone’ #that shit gets me so bad every single time ITS SO GOOD and such a slap to the face #realizing that youve made a grave error and youre actually loved deeply and matter a lot right as youre dying and feeling relieved #cuz you may be dying. BUT YOU DIDNT DIE ALONE YOU DIED BEING LOVED AND CARED FOR #like idk at least his death is able to mean something for him as a character its still a moment of growth #shinji doesnt learn anything he fully dies believing he deserves it and that everyone will benefit from it #god awful writing right there boooo

[imy2]

ive been noticing that i have extreme reactions or none really at all

#my father has skin cancer but the doctor said it should be removed in one go and should not be a long-term concern #but throughout the whole thing of him first going to the doctors then the tests n stuff - i didnt feel anything about it #besides a bit of anxiety of 'what would i do if he did die' #n thats fine i mean like nice i wasnt panicked over it but i just dont get it #sometimes i feel so much nothing that its just so annoying #like i feel stuff but nothing significant #about certain things. other things i feel a lot about #also like it changes within those things even of course.. sometimes a topic will kill me other times i dont care #cancer #mental illness #personality disorder #mood disorder #idk what tags to use for cw #h-vom

[reel-fear]

I feel so bad for everyone who really liked and got excited over Shockwave's Debt bc god everytime I do a major project nowadays and start like actually finding decent ways to plan it out I think abt how if I had done all of this for that fic I might have actually finished more than one chapter for it and I already feel bad for rewriting it once but truly and honestly I REALLY want to rewrite it again but this time I don't fully write out any chapters until I have the ENTIRE story planned bc god I didn't even know how the damn thing would end when I made the first chapters of both versions! I literally had no plan for the end and still am not sure how it would end. But I Really Really want to write it out bc I really love so many of the concepts and ideas I had for it... Shockwave's Debt feels like it could be such a great fic one I would hope would be the way I could bring about a new fun intrepetation on TFA Shockwave,,, but if I do write it I seriously need to write out a plan first. That's what I'm doing for Super Spies and it's so helpful like I actually know how the story with progress and the themes I'm building upon.

#Ramblez #SORRY DSKFJNGSDFKGJNDFGSD #I'm literally just thinking a lot abt Shockwave rn and this thought has been in my brain for forever #I'm thinking I might start doing a lot of brainstorming and brain dumping into a document #and then asking people for feedback and ideas on how they feel on them #but just in general I did want to say this Shockwave's debt will get made I swear to god it will- #just after Super Spies and maybe Beneath The Brine are finished to give me more expierence writing long ass fics n stories #it is also one of those things tho where its like... #I wish I had just allowed myself to release Shockwaves Debt chapters even when I didnt think they were absolutely perfect #bc in my opinion it means so much more to release a story that isnt super perfect or even good than to have never tried to tell that story #so its like even if it had sucked and I looked back on it with embarassment #if I had released more Shockwaves Debt chapters at least I could say those ideas didnt just rot in my brain for forever- #Im rambling now but its not called ramblez for nothing so KJDNSFGKJNFSGSD