#i don't want to be normal. i don't want to be cis. but i would like to be myself in a way that feels right

[dennisboobs]

i think everyone on sunnytwt needs to be sat down so i can explain to them what basic human empathy is. and then maybe i put them in a blender until they agree to write meta about the characters instead of whether or not charlie day got facial reconstruction surgery.

#ada speaks #u do not exist in a vacuum and your words have the capability to harm others #celebrities may not see your tweets but your balding transmasc mutual and your follower who feels self conscious about her nose will #it is fucking bizarre the way these people conduct themselves online #really. really fucking weird man #and then you see them acting like ppl are 'defending rich white men' #instead of taking issue with the actual shit theyre saying #whether or not you think rcg has been 'under the knife' or not #a) how is this any of your business. you are not entitled to this info nor do you have a free pass to criticize someone's personal choice #b) ask yourself why you feel you need to critique alleged surgeries and how they stack up to imposed conventional beauty standards #c) you do not *own* them. you can have opinions on your own attraction to them but #a person getting plastic surgery or hair plugs or whatever is up to them. not you. if it helps to make them feel better then who cares. #just because it doesn't make them attractive to YOU doesn't mean its okay to point and laugh #if a trans guy got top surgery and it was 'botched' would you act like they were stupid for getting it in the first place? #if a trans woman decided she wanted to surgically shave her jaw would you shame her for that? #it's their body. it's not yours. #for the record i don't believe any of them have gotten work done but think its a stupid thing to speculate on regardless #ive watched family members go through plastic surgeries of varying success. ive seen them get botox and hair plugs and everything #normal everyday people do it and it's not always about vanity #it can be for gender reaffirming reasons (and yes this includes when cis people do it) to alleviate dysphoria #trying to point out alleged surgical alterations made is just. gross #not to mention that holy shit MOST of the shit ppl are saying is like. age. different hairstyles. different facial expressions. #maybe if these people actually watched the show theyd be able to see the gang in action instead of staring at pics like spot the difference

[the-casbah-way]

i'm not doing anything !!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm not fucking doing anything !!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just sit and rot and worry and yearn whilst other people are out there living and feeling and breathing and experiencing and still i just do nothing !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#'you're young there's still time' you do not understand #i don't do things because i'm unwell. chronically. it won't ever go away !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #that doesn't mean it can't get better i'm sure it will one day #but it will never be what i want it to be #i get so overwhelmed by all the things i'm not doing #i need to stop watching videos and films about people living the lives i want #been procrastinating my hrt shit for ages now even though all i have to do is send two emails and ask my friend for one link #i'm putting off the new tattoos and piercings i want because i always do that and then i get sad that i don't have them yet #i'm putting off my assignments for a degree that i actually enjoy and want to do well in and i do not know why #i'm just WAITING. what am i WAITING FOR. the change is INSIDE OF ME. why am i waiting #i guess i am holding onto safety and predictability because it's the only thing i have control over #i bounce between that and the image of a future me that is completely unattainable #and i tell myself there is no possible middle ground so i just give up #i can't be all the things i want to be. i will never been seen the way i want to be #but that doesn't mean i have to stay stuck like this forever wasting my life feeling miserable about everything #but i still choose to keep doing it every day anyway because i don't know how to stop #is it too much to ask to be a beautiful man who is not technically a man but is perceived as one and gets silly about it #is it too much to ask to be nice and well and attractive and successful #i don't want to be normal. i don't want to be cis. but i would like to be myself in a way that feels right #but i am not brave enough to start doing anything about it

[ihavenohotcocoa]

me: yeah i'm cis haha

also me: wow i really want people to think im a dude. like i think it would be so epic if people just assumed i was a guy when they looked at me. i should start going by he/him pronouns i like them more

#see the thing is i'm genuinely pretty sure im cis #like i think im a girl for sure #however #i don't know how normal it is to actively want people to assume you're a guy when you arent #it turns out cutting my hair opened a portal to the gender dimension and i would very much like out please and thank you

[marklikely]

i've never been satisfied with the 'dont bodyshame celebrities because your friends with similar traits might see it' and i finally figured out why but i'm still struggling to get the words into a coherent argument.

the bottom line is you shouldn't bodyshame because if you genuinely believed that being fat, visibly disabled, or just not fitting conventional beauty standards are all normal things that are fine to do, then you wouldn't think it's funny to bodyshame someone regardless of who the target is. there wouldn't be a joke present in just pointing out that someone is fat, because it'd be as normal to you as someone wearing sunglasses when its sunny outside. you'd be like 'what's the joke, thats something people do all the time. how is that funny'

in bodyshaming someone you find to be an 'acceptable' target, you're revealing yourself. you, on some level, think that being fat, being visibly disabled, or otherwise just not fitting your culture's beauty standards is abnormal and funny. and you want to find an 'acceptable' target to release the bigotry that you already have in your head.

if you defend bodyshaming against 'the right' targets, i think you should unpack the fatphobia and ableism that makes you think those traits are 'funny' on someone you dislike. instead of deflecting by being like "well its ok because billionaires aren't people!!" which allows you to just ignore the real reasons why you think certain bodies are 'weird' and worthy of mockery.

#everyone's willing to make fun of warren buffet for being fat but nobody makes fun of mark zuckerberg for being thin. #its almost like its not just innocently mocking billionaires but its actually a reflection of what YOU think people should look like. #like idk making fun of elon musk for having a trait 'associated with copd' im like hey whats the joke. #why is it funny to you. it REQUIRES you to think looking disabled is funny otherwise there would be no joke. #if you thought disability was truly normal then it WOULDNT even occur to you to make fun of it. #avpost #similar to how i feel abt misgendering trans people like #its not because its 'respect' or w/e its because trans people are our gender its a basic fact about us. #much like how if you really thought disability was normal you wouldnt think to make fun of it. #well in a similar vein if you really thought trans people are our genders you wouldnt think to punish us with misgendering. #because you would correctly recognize it as randomly lying. #in bodyshaming 'acceptable' targets and misgendering trans people who do bad things you kind of do the same thing in both instances #which is reveal that you have some serious prejudice against these groups on the whole and just want a way to 'safely' express that. #you don't mock celebrities for being thin and conventionally attractive. you dont misgender cis celebrities for doing bad things. #you should be unpacking the bigotry that makes you think this behavior is suddenly ok or funny just bc you found the right target

[pigaletta]

.

#I think my adhd assessment is affecting me more than I think it is. #I've been down ever since I started it #And I'm having gender thoughts as well. I probably am not a cis female. #I don't want to wear a saree to my convocation because I can't stand people I hate saying that I'm pretty in it. #Wish I could fit into my brother's suit. That would feel better. #Sadly he's a bit bigger than I am so it wouldn't fit. #I could put up with a saree for weddings in the family because I liked those people #But not for my college convocation. I don't like it when people I hate say that I'm pretty. #I barely even want to go. I'm in such a bad state. I can't hold down a job without breaking down within days and remaining messed up. #I don't have the strength that my classmates do and I still have to face them. I can't tell them my mental health is in shambles. #that I thought life would be bearable after college but not having an end point or achievable goal fucked me #I feel so stuck in problems of my own making. once the assessment is over I'm going to ask for meds #because there's no way that normal people have to brave this every day and go to work after. #life can't always feel this heavy. #rant #vent #personal

[zemnarihah]

i've been having. gender issues i must say

#i think like in a different and much more progressive world i would like almost certainly id as nonbinary in some way but like #idk i do think i have dysphoria esp w my chest lately but i don't think it's to the level that my life would be improved by like #going by different pronouns and coming out w a different gender label and stuff #bc it's just so incredibly inconvenient and like especially in my area ppl would either not take me serious or like be straight up hateful #i also think i'm not like. NOT a woman like i've lived as a woman my whole life i don't think i'll ever see myself as like divorced from tha #but it's just. still not quite right yk #like i feel pretty uncomfortable w most traditional femininity but i feel COMPLETELY uncomfortable w almost all masculinity so it's like. #idk #not cis or trans but another secret third thing yk #i mean at the end of the day there's not rlly any point in doing anything abt it and i think i have had lapses like this before and have had #times where i think i was fairly comfortable w being a woman and w my body (relatively) so maybe it's just smth that will come and go u know #i just wish i was like 50% more androgynous looking and like. didn't have tits. and could go by a pronoun that like isn't she/he or they #but is also very normal and commonly understood that nobody will be weird or confused abt #so. idk #like now that i think abt it there's no pronoun that i actually feel good abt ppl using for me. but i think that might also be bc i feel #uncomfortable w the idea of people even talking abt me at all #i think i'm starting to understand people who use it/it's lol #i mean before i never liked judged them or anything like i always use peoples correct pronouns but i was always like huh idk why someone #would want that #and now i like. see the appeal. kind of divorced from gender and identity in general. it's nice

[catboyrichardkarinsky]

"This is a completely objective article"

Uh did you read the part where she said she doesn't support the trans movement?

#i swear I'll stop posting about the shitty article my mom sent me but jfc #it's like a detransitioner terf who decided she hates trans people now but like she actually admitted she transitioned because #she read too much yaoi #like bestie what I'm sorry but that's on you why were you reading yaoi #and yea she mentioned being insecure about having too much body hair or too much if a stomach and overall normal cis girl insecurity spots #which I do not have in fact if anything i want more body hair #so like no bestie #and that she went from being very feminine to very masculine and yes i had that toxic masculinity phase too but i'm comfortable #being a feminine trans guy if People Would Fucking Accept That Already #ugh #me and that terf don't have much in common mom #vent #don't rb

[vamptastic]

time to make some online purchases and not be nervous about it at all not even a little bit

#im very financially responsible except with giving others money #like every time i see a homeless person i give them at least $10 and my parents r always mad about it #and every time i go out w my friends i pay for everything #which isn't bad per se but like #i need to save about $10k for medical transition and i would like to have #a safety net of more savings in case things go south with my parents before i can graduate college n get my own income #also now that i have my own money i need to learn to spend it when i need to buy smth #i have a budget of saving 90% spending 10% for my summer job #but 10% is like $300!! thats $300 that could go towards top surgery... #idk. i just wish these savings were for like.. a fun trip or a car or just a rainy day #instead i need to save every cent i make for the next four years just to have what cis people r born with #sucks. -_-. #the aversion to spending money is mostly just cos #we're middle upper class ish now but both my parents grew up real poor #like no ac in the florida summer get a job at 14 if u want food on the table poor. everything but homeless p much #tho my dad was homeless in college for a bit #so. they're very frugal even tho we make a lot of money #just gotta get the cheapest of everything no frivolous spending go to 6 grocery stores for the best deals n haggle with me over jeans #not necessarily a bad thing tho id argue why make that much money if u don't ever wanna spend it #cos its not going towards a mansion or new cars n shit we have like. a normal house n very old car #it's all just retirement savingd #savings. #which is all well n good but like #dont u wanna live a bit happier before age 65 too? i mean r u gonna wait your whole life to use that money on ur happiness? #idk. anyway. #my money is going towards Not Killing Myself From Dysphoria rn. so. #but i wish i could stop begrudging myself for buying stuff even when its well within my budget #literally beating myself up for buying a fucking belt rn

[tittyinfinity]

I was hanging out at the karaoke bar, chatting with a beautiful woman, and we were really hitting it off. I threw a couple of flirtatious comments her way. She giggled nervously, but abruptly stopped and looked at the floor.

She told me that she was too nervous to hit on people because she's trans and worries that people will view her as a predator and that she might get hurt.

My heart sank. I let her know that she could hit on me in whatever way she wanted and I would LOVE it. We spent the rest of the night hanging out and flirting. We ended up making out. It was great.

But I can't stop thinking about how that wasn't the first time a trans woman has said that to me. About how unsafe it is for some women that they feel the need to give out fucking disclaimers to have normal interactions with people.

We have GOT to make the world a safer place for trans women. It pisses me off that there are men at the bar who are openly predatory towards me without fear of consequence, yet a trans woman is too scared to even fucking call me pretty. And that's because she IS more likely to face worse consequences for lesser things! Like what the fuck!

You need to always check on your internalized biases. Being queer yourself doesn't absolve you of transmisogynistic thoughts and behaviors. Being bi/pansexual doesn't mean you don't hold those biases either! If you feel differently about a trans woman hitting on you than you feel about a cis woman or a man hitting on you, you need to evaluate that.

Trans women, I love you so fucking much. You should be able to express attraction and love as freely as everyone else. I hope you can always feel safe around me. And I'll never stop fighting until you can feel safe period.

#her name was Kara which we joked about bc I came with my other friend named Kara and we were at the Kara-oke bar lol #i told her about how last time i was hit on at that same bar was ALSO by another woman named Kara #she said ''i need to find a man to transition right now so we can have more karas'' 🤣😭 she was so great lol #and I'm texting another friend named Kara right now😭 soon everyone will be Kara #transmisogyny tw #.bdo

[chocobox]

when monroe and levi get together and monroe starts distancing himself from his relationship with erwin he also gains weight and stops dying his hair as frequently, and eventually altogether (although he may go blonde now and again for fun.) a big part of his relationship with erwin (if not most of it) was just erwin utilizing him as a tool. having a conventionally attractive, put together 'female' partner was convenient for his goals and there was pressure on monroe to maintain that. so getting closer to levi, someone who could not give half a shit about stuff like that, was really freeing for him. he started eating three meals a day again.

#sparkletwinkles #female in quotations because...well he's not that obviously #and i don't think erwin would have actually invalidated his identity #i think he just WANTED monroe not to be open about his gender so as to allow erwin to perform as a straight man #it will take monroe a while to realize that was a weird dynamic because erwin WAS so accepting in private #it was just like. hey can you please pretend to be a girl so that when we go to fancy dinners with important people i can look super normal #he would only really allow mimi's gender into their public image if it was somehow beneficial to him #if he needed to play the supportive cis boyfriend angle

[middle-name-queer]

....

#i've been wanting to connect more with lesbians nblw or whatever and like i STILL want that but... #i wish people wouldn't be needleslsy cruel about men #like celebrating that you feel zero attraction to men romantically or sexually is fine i'm not referring to that at all #but going so far as to be belligerent and mock perfectly normal things like balding or ed is so fucked up #and its weird because i saw someone i thought was super trans friendly bc they themselves are not cis and yet??? #why would you share that? #its cruel to men cis and trans and cruel towards any trans women who happen to have the same experiences like??? #i guess i may have misjudged that person as safe and... god i don't know its discouraging #i don't know... it makes me really sad. it reinforces the idea in my head that i'm better off isolating #i KNOW that's not true like i know i know but damn.... people make it.... difficult #god that made me so sad to read like what the fuck

[ebbarights]

.

#gotta vent and don't really want people to see #there's not much i wouldn't give in exchange for being normal #and by normal i mean straight and allosexual and 100% cis and mentally healthy and able to just talk to people normally #i wish i could control my off days and coordinate them with when i'm not working bc standing there #and not being able to think of anything interesting to say honestly makes me want to you know #i really Cannot talk to anyone about this because (and i realise i sound like a teenager) no one would Get It #and no one can help me anyway #i realise how fucking horrible and wrong this sounds but the only thing that would fix me is a relationship #and that's just not gonna happen #.me #(block this tag if you don't want to see this shit) #long story short there's just something fundamentally and unfixably wrong with me

[johannestevans]

i've been listening to a lot more fat liberationist stuff recently and like...

so obvs i already had some backing in a lot of the basic theory, stuff like institutional anti-fatness in medicine, fashion, travel, etc, but like

so as a really thin guy who's always found it impossible to gain weight, its been unbelievably emotionally and mentally liberating to hear people talking really casually about the disability that's associated with thinness

so like being really thin, you lack additional joint and bone support - if you fall, you have less padding and less STRUCTURE to protect your bones from breaks and fractures, right?

obvs theres plenty of fat people that do have issues with bones and joints, im not saying thsres not, its just that normally i feel like im the lone person saying "being this thin is bad for me and is part of various health problems i also have"

and idk its just like. my whole life i was such a sickly child lmao

like i couldnt stand for long periods except "long period" would often be like. any period. i didnt understand how my peers were just standing for so long and just weathering that, bc to me it wasnt possible at all - i breathed badly, my joints were fucked etc

and looking back and realising as i get more disabled like the extent to which i was similarly disabled in my youth, and how i lacked the language to verbalise or sometimes even recognise my own pain and struggle

but also like

the treatment of me as so evil and lazy because i wasn't exercising, or because like. a PE teacher would pick me out as an example because i was so thin, and then be furious that i wasn't remotely physically fit, and that i was disabled

i remember multiple times esp from cis female teachers just. frothing rage at my diet and the things i ate, or when i wrinkled my nose at talk about diets, bc i was so thin so i had to be doing The Right Things, and if i was that thin and doing bad things i had to be punished

and its bc a lot of these ppl thought of fatness and being fat as a punishment, a target for abuse that people deserved, and bc i was a young disabled trans guy like. i deserved punishment for my laziness and nonconformity, and it became a lot about my weight

like expressing that i wanted to gain weight, that i was cold all the time, that i had no energy etc, that eating was hard but that i enjoyed food, all of that was met with such fuckin aggression and really sharp policing, esp from PE teachers and esp from women

and obvs all that is to do with the way that diet culture particularly targets women and those perceived as women, and the desire to engage in lateral violence to police others into complying with gender roles etc as they were upholding them

but idk like. fat liberationist politics is imo inherently tied up with disability liberation, because of the way that "health" is weaponised as a symbol of being good or deserving, and how fatness and disability are both used as targets and symbols of evil and punishment

MOST OF ALL for fat & disabled people

but for nondisabled fat people disability is often threatened as punishment - if you don't become less fat, you'll (deserve to) become disabled

and for disabled thin people, if you don't act less disabled, you'll (deserve to) become fat

and its not a punishment to be fat or disabled or sick. its just how some people are. its not BAD to be this way - and what makes things hard for us is not something inherent to the badness of our bodies, but instead the lack of kindness and accommodation anybody is willing to extend to them

#musings

[inkskinned]

it is hard to explain without sounding vain or stupid - but the more attractive others find you, the more you're allowed to do. the easier your life is.

i have been on both sides of this. i am queer and cuban. i grew up poor. for a long time i didn't know "how" to dress - and i still don't. i make my sister pick out any important outfits. i have adhd in spades: i was never "cool and quiet", i was the weird kid who didn't understand how "normal" people behave. i was bullied so hard that the "social outcasts" wouldn't even talk to me.

i got my teeth straightened. i cut my hair and learned how to style it. i got into makeup. it didn't matter, at first, if i actually liked what i was doing - it mattered how people responded to it. like a magic trick; the right dress and winged eyeliner and suddenly i was no longer too weird for all of it. i could wear the ugly pokemon shirt and it was just "ironic" or a "cute interest."

when i am seen as pretty, people listen. they laugh at my jokes. they allow me to be weird and a little spacey. i can trust that if i need something, people will generally help me. privilege suddenly rushes in: pretty does buy things. pretty people get treated more gently.

i am the same ugly little girl, is the thing. still odd. still not-quite-fitting-in. still scrambling. still angry and afraid and full of bad things. of course it became my obsession. of course i stopped eating. i had seen, in real time, the exact way it could change my life - simply always be perfect, and things can be easy. people will "overlook" all the other things. i used to have panic attacks at the idea others would see me without makeup - what would they think? even for a simple friend hangout, i'd spend a few hours getting ready. after all, it seemed so obvious to me: these people liked me because i was pretty.

i worry about how much i'm being a bad activist: i understand that "pretty" is determined by white, het, cis, able-bodied hegemonies. if i was really an ally, wouldn't i rally against all of this? recently there's been a "clean girl" trend which copies latinx aesthetics: dark slicked-back hair, hoop earrings. i almost never wear my hair like that; i can hear the middle school guidance counsellor advising me that i might fare better if i toned it down on the culture.

the problem is that i can take pretty on and off. that i have seen how different my life is on a day where i try and a day where i don't. i told my therapist i want to believe the difference is confidence, but it's not. and when you have seen it, you can't unsee it. it lives inside your brain. it rots there; taunting. i get rewarded for following the rules. i am punished for breaking them. end of story.

pretty people can get what they want. pretty people can feel confident without others asking where they got their nerve from. pretty people can be weird and different. pretty people get to have emotions; it's different when they get aggressive, it's pretty when they cry with frustration.

of course people care about this. of course it has crawled into you. of course you want to be seen as attractive. it's not vanity: it's self-preservation.

#pretty in this post is a stand in for . literally all forms of normativity #warm up #tbd maybe idk #ps! hi!! i'm queer!!!!!!!!! it is how i identify! if you tag this 'q slur' i will fight you!!! #i am using it here in the EXACT way it is NOT a slur !! i am identifying as a queer person! #this is EXACTLY how people reclaim it !!! #it's like practically ACADEMIC in this usage!! #please do any reading into what the fuck the history of the word ''queer'' is before telling me #as someone identifying as queer #that i'm a slur. that the place i find comfort in is a slur #''well it makes me uncomfortable if people use it for me'' #im sorry to hear that dude. that sucks. i hope things get easier for you soon #but you don't get to take it from ME #in case you can't tell by the REST of this piece #i DID hear queer used as slur against me. i DID get bullied with it. i DID hear a lot of shit said #i also heard it about lesbians #about ''being gay'' #about pretty much any fucking term that could describe me. #i like queer. i like how it feels. and it's mine. #you don't get to undo the work i've done personally because it makes u uncomfortable #it's ahistoric to pretend like there are ''safe'' ways to identitfy if ur queer. #none exist. it has never been safe to be like this.

[posthumus]

coworker: gene did you get top surgery??

me: um no

coworker: are you binding

me: um no

coworker: wow that's amazing!!!!

#this is from a couple weeks ago actually but bro today she asked me if i got a binder yet in front of a whole group of people 😭😭 #i just have small boobs...... it's not that special... #it's just a normal part of my body so it's fucking weird to comment on it.. #idk it reminds me of a trans guy friend i had #who passed as cis and would constantly get comments like 'are you SURE you don't have a penis?? 😏' #like just because we're both gnc doesn't give you the right to comment on my body wtf #'wow gene you have really small tits!!' what the fuck am i supposed to say to that?? #thank you???? #it's literally just a neutral fact #idk this is something that frustrates me about transness or maybe gender performativity #'you have small boobs' 'this is great im going to get a good grade in gender #something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve' #ugh sorry just. what the fuck. laugh and point at this person please #my posts #personal