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inzombniia · 10 months

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tw // emetophobia(?)

vent post lol

i was going to post this last night but i got um. sidetracked. (ó﹏ò｡) by some rlly funny shit like istg it almost cured my summertime sadness i even cleaned my depression room 2day hhaha, last night i just made it my pfp and threw this into the drafts

im bouta go on a small rant so ill just tuck it away here ↓

i literally hate summer, im sorry i just cannot. maybe its the fact that i have no job and no car so i cant go anywhere. other than begging someone to take me shopping, im stuck. just me and the internet lolz and occasionally my friends but i havent responded to most of them which is kinda my fault (ꀬ⏖ꀬ∴) i shld probably do that...

im so much happier and mentally stable in sweater weather... maybe cus im a december baby LMAO

i think the amount of time i spend on my phone and computer are starting to catch up with me, apparently theres a thing called "cybersickness" and dude the name alone sounds cool asf ‼️ but yeah i also have vertigo and a lil sleep deprivation on top of that so. i just constantly have the urge to vomit but physically cant no matter how hard i try so i just drew myself doing the things i cant do <//3 and yes thats me lolz

however !!! i think i might actually start working at chuck e cheese... no one in my area says anything bad abt working there so i have high hopes that i could enjoy it, might have to visit it this weekend before i apply just to see if its any different from last year when i went

૮꒰ྀི˶˃̵ ^ ˂̵˵꒱ྀིა

tw // sh implied i guess

edit never fucking mind its not okay nothing is okay i wanna rip my guts out why me why what do i even do anymore it doesnt make any sense why do you have to make everything so hard for me.

"oh i feel so alone" good. i hope it stays that way u selfish prick

how does it feel to rip away my goals. i had this all planned out and its perfect for what i plan to do in life

its like you do this on purpose. you want 2 see me suffer. u want 2 see me fail. over and over and over. is this fun for you?

i relapsed because of you. i hope ur fucking proud of me

#vent #vent art #my art #i literally half assed the lineart and kept the sketch anyway i srlsy wasnt feeling it #a little excited abt the job tho... istg if they got rid of the good games its gon be the bite of 23 up in there

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unionize-aromantically · 1 year

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I am in less pain now. However I still feel like bad, and am clearly still limited.

Most notably I'm still very dissociated. maybe even more than when I was at like around a 6 on the pain scale for like a week or something.

[break: I ended up kinda rambling + having several tracks (if that makes sense), so I'm adding a readmore. there's no real point of this post, it's kinda just me thinking and venting]

I can't quite place where I am on the pain scale, maybe a 4?

But I am.. I feel not good. And the only thing I "want" or "need" is painkillers? (and I'm at like a 4?? I don't always take painkillers at like.. idk higher, it's become the norm, painless is unrealistic anyway)

And my speech and thinking is limited*, something that doesn't happen very often to me. we're talking like 3-5 times total the entirety of last year.

(I've seen this type of dissociation called "Dissociative disturbances of movement and sensation". I think it may also be called "sensorimotor dissociation", and may be more associated with FND/conversion disorder**. also called "loss of function" I think)

**sidenote here that I don't formally speaking have any diagnosis related to dissociation specifically right now. But my therapist keeps giving me questionnaires and questions about dissociation. And I do noticably struggle a lot with it.

*oh and by limited - you notice how my writing here is like fine right? I can easily enough do like what I call "analysis" or "meta-thinking", but my brain has no or less random thoughts (e.g. "I want to make a conlang with numbered pronouns, like, "xe-1 talked to xe-2 and xe-1 said..", I wonder if that's a thing anywhere/in any conlang") and few/no "wishes" (e.g. hunger, wanting to play Minecraft. basically need-fulfillment suggestions)

* continuing on that (*) I want to say that this idk phenomenon/symptom I'm talking about could be connected to more depressive features than dissociation what with the lack of interest. or rather maybe it's two symptoms coexisting/in a trench coat/unrelated.

it usually doesn't last long, but now it's like, the second time this week (I think, I am horrible at remembering). And I'm basically a bit worried & annoyed, bothered & bored.

I guess it's probably not great that It's been like,, 5 weeks since last therapy session (oh fuck, this is a repeat of fuckings november no).

And since then I've had like 1 serious flashback thing (I think? my pulse was high asf (sitting still) and I was reminded of something from The Bad Times™️). and it may or may not have lasted like 3 hrs because of reasons.

And maybe like nightmares, but maybe more accurately being faced with the trauma of way too high pain levels without the absorption dissociation AKA distraction.

ugh what makes it all worse is that I might've done some auditory dissociation again (like this past summer) and that horrifies me because it used to be a major problem and it is triggering (less senses/things to hold onto, more difficult to ground).

ok I'll end it here. but btw if you relate or have any like words I may want to use to describe (any of) this you're welcome to comment that.

#dissociation & pain posting #mentally ill posting #pain and suffering #vent #mental health update #can you tell i want to make a conlang #< since I used it as an example

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piecedbytheear · 3 years

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Nadia = Missed Opportunity

Beginning of S1 Nadia was everything! She took no shit from anybody, she protected her friends and became manipulative when she needed to. I remember thinking she was going to play a major part in the plot because of attitude and not being intimidated by the elite kids. Then they had her develop feelings for Gooseman and throw all of her morals and constraints that made her character in the name of character development in s2...lol what This post is basically a rant about the blackmailing queen that lasted only a couple of episodes in S1 to the forgiving, almost weak character that she is now. Don’t worry I wont delve too much on her cliche romances, which were wayyyyy to predictable when looking back.

How does Nadia go from looking down on Gooseman’s family for their coke habit to then nearly snorting a line of coke for crusty gooseman?? make it make sense...The alcohol I can believe because of peer pressure and doing rebel teenage things for the first time but COKE nah ooc asf! Then she hooks up with gooseman in the school lockeroom as if the plot of her blackmailing Lu and gooseman for their hookup in school didn’t exist. So embarrassing to see her make these silly mistakes because it was never something her s1 arc would even do.

She’s established as some devout reassured muslim girl in s1 that doesn’t fall to the peer pressure of her age group and out of all the characters the most stern and reasonable, so it was really jarring seeing her doing all these new things as if she didn’t have any self awareness. The first time she kissed and slept with gooseman was when she was drunk so it made it seem as if she wasn’t her self?? Is that a metaphor or something?? She only goes wild when she’s drunk so she doesn’t feel guilty?? It’s weird too because as a character that is raised in a strict religious immigrant family you would think they would have Nadia contemplating her actions or choices because of her up bringing but thats rarely brought up. And at some point it would’ve made sense for Nadia to move on to new and better things because honestly..Nadia didn’t need to be stringing along a depressed, mourning, angry gooseman. She knows damn well that she wouldn’t be available so let that relationship go...and if gooseman is such a great person, he wouldn’t need the girl that he once mocked to “save” him, and if Nadia really cared for him she should’ve let him go to get help. Woman don’t need to be saviours for toxic men. But I get it your favourite hetrocliche ships can’t end half way through the season welpp!

I would’ve preferred her arc in s2 to be about peer pressure then her randomly doing things that looked ooc. She knew herself in the beginning, so by s2 she was lost because of...pleasing her parents or gooseman. Nadia was no longer the stern girl we thought she was. The prejudice she faces at school is no longer a factor for her anymore because her character never commits to fighting for her rights, her biggest problem is her romance. The xenophobia she still faces by the school and Lu is swept under the rug. Gooseman doesn’t even defend Nadia when Lu resorts to racial slurs but in a way it makes sense...would it really take a poor brown girl to change racist, classist ideals that one believes in? Probably not! Seeing Nadia judge and questions some of the things kids in her school did THEN participate in them because it was tempting would’ve made more sense imo. And can we get to the times where characters are NOT defined by their romantic relationships! I also didn’t appreciate that Nadia and Omar were written around their love interest and barely had screen time to interact and speak with each other to discuss the growing teenage pains that they both faced. Omar smoked, drank, had sex, and by then was an open gay muslim, so it would’ve been interesting seeing Nadia and Omar discuss their problems, school life and future goals. Nadia’s education is a big part of her arc in s1, so it was great to see it brought back in s3 but unfortunately Omar’s future goals are never discussed because he’s used as Ander’s emotional support UGHHHH And why doesn’t Nadia have any friends from her old school or neighbourhood??? Omar and Samuel are besties, Christian and Nano were besties, where’s her friends??

As for the hijab thing...well the writers made Nadia to be pretty passive and thats evident when she never makes ANOTHER point to the school about the double standards concerning her hijab and Lu, Rebe, Valerio etc, sometimes shitty and blinged out attire. (But can you imagine the outroar if Nadia was in her hijab dryhumping a naked gooseman with a sextape arc for her character LMFAO Did the writers removed her hijab so she couldn’t fully be the Mia Khalifa pornstar they wanted #DEAD) As for her wearing the hijab or not it’s not really a big deal because she wore it when she pleased but I found it interesting that she never wore it to the club...Omar was shocked and exaggerate to Nadia and Malick that Nadia would wear it to the shower and Nadia and Malick’s reasoning was that they want to break free (I guess from being perfect muslims) ...back to my peer pressure point, maybe she just didn’t feel comfortable and didn’t want attention being looked at as being the only hijabi in the club.

Concluding, Nadia was never given the justice to CALL OUT the racism and prejudice she faced by Lu, Christian, Guzman. In stead she was used as the poc muslim girl to develop Guzman and Lu and excuse them from their classism and xenophobia because they took a chance in Nadia. How can the judgemental, holding 1000 grudges girl that we met in s1 become friends with LUCRECIA!!! That bitch hated her...make it make sense??? I don’t even see Lu being friends with another poc muslim, Omar was enough to her. I also didn’t appreciate that Lu was the one that drove Nadia to stand up for her education to her parents SMH like Lu would even care...she never apologised to Nadia for anything. Nadia needed her self to stand up to her parents, she did that in s1 when she persuaded them to study in Las Encinas for opportunities so it would've made perfect sense for her to do the same thing. Things that bad writing can do smh

To simplify I wasn’t feeling the all forgiving, naive Nadia :( She let Gooseman, Lu and even her brother who hooked up with her boyfriend off wayyyy to easy, I just feel like she’s progressed into this weak forgiving girl to make other characters not face consequences for the way they treated her. IDK the vindictive Nadia in the first episode of s1 was so much more interesting and if she was used in the plot like Carla was her character would’ve been more grey then the judgemental, then forgiving stick they put on her.

As for Nadia’s future...I hope to see her come back with a rich hottie from the prestigious university she goes to now! LOL

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thatbitchyeet · 6 years

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Things that I’ve noticed after losing 30 lbs

• generally more accepted by my peers (one called me pretty and she was really pretty ☺️)

• family and friends beginning to worry about what I eat and how I eat ( “you eat really slowly!” “There’s nothing on your plate...” “you’re getting thin what are you doing?”

• having better cardio than my friend whose the same weight as me now (I used to envy her body!)

• even with these cool things I still feel humongous, even more so than before

•I’m not hungry as often. Not sure if my stomach shrunk or I’m just used to eating ~400-600kcals a day but I’m not hungry, esp not to the point where I’m nauseous anymore

• I don’t feel as judged walking through the hallways. Even though my inner voice is telling me I’m a fat pig and everyone hates me, I don’t get the disgusted sideways glances and the girls staring at my arms or legs

• I’m not scared of what my parents will do if I don’t eat. They can’t force me to do anything.

• I’ve been able to feel and see my ribs, my legs are becoming thinner, my hands are less fatty and even my stomach has gotten a lot smaller

• my boobs got smaller but they don’t look like raisins which is what I was worried about. Worth being thinner to have small boobs

• I feel weak a lot of times. The only time I DONT is on weekends where I eat ~700-900 kcals because of family or when I’m jogging or swimming and my blood is pumping. Otherwise my vision is spotty when I stand up and I feel lightheaded a lot of the time.

• I’m also very achy, I get bruised very easily, my lips get dry and cracked, my nails don’t grow as fast as they used to, I’m constantly fatigued and I can’t concentrate in class

• I don’t have the urge to snack. I replace my boredom snacking with walking around or watching supersize vs super skinny or secret eaters on YouTube.

• I’m meaner to people when they invade my privacy or try to make me eat. I have a friend whose suicidal and depressed that tried to make me eat lunch on Friday (he doesn’t know about my ed, but I’m sure he’s suspicious) in front of a guy I like and I almost snapped at him even though I try to be as nice as possible to and I had to stop myself.

• I have so much more time! I get homework done more than I did last year, I get to binge watch tv and I get to workout 5-6 days a week

• I sleep in class a lot more and I’m more prone to skipping school and substance abuse (xan and antidepressants, not alcohol bcs calories, painkillers, etc) and I realized who cares about me and who doesn’t (some of my friends told me to stop doing drugs and focus on school in a mom way and others just stood there and started another conversation)

•I notice other people’s poor eating habits and see how much people around me eat and it makes me cringe (I had one burger today and it was ~450 with toppings and my dad had 2.5 burgers, fries and a ton of gravy and I’m just like 🙂that’s like 1300-1500 calories🙂 and u had a giant breakfast and 4 hotdogs and fries for lunch🙂 holy sh*t)

• my friends call me a hypocrite because I don’t eat and force them to eat

• me and my ex boyfriend (who I’m pretty sure has an ed) kinda bond over weight loss and nutrition and exercise and it’s really cool because it mended our relationship and we’re good friends again (he fell asleep in my arms in class lol yep good friends again) (I’m gonna have another bf soon so we’re not like that in that way anymore)

• so many people comment on my weight loss or say I look good! Only bad thing is when my mom says it because she can guilt me into eating almost anything

• my body dismorphia is at its worst. I look in the mirror and all I see is fat fat fat fat fat

•I don’t dread gym class anymore, I actually quite enjoy it. As long as I can wear my own shorts. I refuse to wear the school shorts because my body image is already low enough and they make my legs look like bloated pool noodles

•I don’t sweat as much. I’m still bigger than my classmates and I sweat a lot but I don’t sweat as much as I used to which is cool

• I can wear what I want. I started wearing skirts and tshirts which I never wore before because I hated my arms and my legs. I always wore pants and tank tops in the summer. Now in fall I’m wearing cute clothes ☺️

•all my clothes are baggy asf on me. I need to punch a new hole in my belt every 5 days and jeans that I bought 2 months ago that fit me nice then are hanging off my butt

• I feel smaller. Lighter. I’ll stand in one place and I won’t take up as much space as before. I sit in a bench on the bus and I feel small. I hug someone and I feel like I’m more at their side rather than crushing them.

• I still refuse to let people carry me for fear of breaking them or humiliation

•I notice people having signs of eating disorders. Body checking in every mirror, putting their fingers around their wrist or their hands around their leg. Staring at their leg and checking if they have a thigh gap. Not ever eating. Knowing about nutrition. Walking a lot, pacing. Looking tired and thin. Loosing weight even if they were already a normal weight. Making up excuses for these things

•not being as afraid to put myself out there

I DONT ADOVOCATE EATING DISORDERS. THIS IS JUST THINGS IVE NOTICED IN MY JOURNEY. THERE ARE BOTH GOOD AND BAD THINGS IN THIS LIST AND THE GOOD THINGS ARE MUCH RARER THAN THE BAD THINGS IRL. PLEASE SEEK HELP IF YOU HAVE AN EATING DISORDER AND D O. N O T. TRY TO DEVELOP ONE. GET AWAY FROM THESE TYPES OF POSTS.

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