#i got lazy drawing the suckers on the tentacles | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

spaghetticat3899 · 7 months

Text

The Sona Selection

This post is just gonna be me rambling about my sonas and shite, if you’re interested, look under the cut. Some in the image above are no longer used, I just am too lazy to make a new drawing of them all. Toyhouse pages are linked of you’re also curious enough to look at those for some reason, lol.

Skullcandy (she/her)

The edgelord herself. As can be obviously deduced (probably), I made her when I was 12-ish, and for whatever reason I’ve never been able to get unattached to her, no matter how many times I’ve tried to replace her. I guess she’s here to stay, lol.

She’s an “irradiated raptor”, which is some sort of radioactive creature that might’ve been a ferret at one point. Her head was based off a ball python’s, just because I find their faces cute. The rest was made up on the fly. In earlier designs, she used to have tiny crystal wings for some reason, but they’re no longer in use. She’s incapable of dying via physical injury, a blessing or curse depending on who you ask (mostly just an excuse for gore art).

Loid Bimac (he/they)

This little octo dude I can’t stop drawing. Sleep-deprived, always moving, might be a little feral. I made him sometime in 2022, originally starting out as a xeno design I scribbled down once in class. Eventually I redrew it and started using him regularly. Before his creation, I used Hachikō in place of myself a lot. He’s a California two-spot octopus, having little eyespots on his shoulders he’s kinda insecure about. His earlier design had more suction cups on his hair which I got rid of for ease and simplicity, which is why some older art of him has five suckers on his front tentacles instead of three. The finger color gradient is completely optional and I add it whenever I feel like it, it’s never consistent. His beak is weird because my teeth are kinda like that (albeit, a lot less noticeably.

Kid (any/it)

This weird goat chimera that took way too long to finalize a design for. They’re a bizarre thing, usually around a little jackalope by the name of Kit (a friend’s sona I designed for them). Their scales and horns are iridescent, based off an emerald jewel wasp. Their arms can become bat-like wings for absolutely no reason other than I said so. The innermost toe can twist back and forth and behave like a foot-thumb, the two other toes forming a hoof. The maw is based off thylacoleo, just because the teeth are funky. The tail has a stinger hidden in the fluff just because. Honestly a lot of their design is “just because”.

Saturn (she/they/he)

I wish I had a higher quality image of them because this is from an Aggie/magma canvas so it’s very fuzzy. Just a little hyena sona vaguely based off the planet, Saturn. Nothing much to them.

Dani (she/her)

A sona I made sophomore year of high school I use every once in awhile. She’s an opossum, not a rat. Not much behind her either, she’s just here, lol.

—————————————————————————

Alright, that’s all, here’s a picture of Sunny my sister took awhile ago.

5 notes · View notes

botslayer · 4 years

Text

Octodad: Not-so-dark theory

From top to bottom, Octodad looks like a fairly innocent game, A simple story about an Octopus trying to survive in suburbia. But, through subtle hints and references, and inconsistencies with that premise, it is revealed that Octodad is no mere cephalopod. He is, in fact, something far more horrifying, on paper at least... What do I mean?

Octodad is not, in truth, an Octopus, He's a Cthulhi. For those not familiar with the works of H.P. Lovecraft, Cthulhi are also called "The Starspawn of Cthulhu" and "Xothians," and are a race that looks like Cthulhu who's true origins, as with everything in the Cthulhu mythos, are debatable and vague as sin, the only things known for a fact are that they look like Cthulhu (Or, in their first appearance, like Octopi), worship him, followed him from their home dimension/universe into ours, and then perished en masse while what remained of them went into a death-like sleep, same as Cthulhu.

Now, Star Spawn aren't often seen in the works of Lovecraft, but they do have a sliver of popularity in the fandom. Not as big (in the popularity sense) as Deep Ones, but not as unknown as the humble Penguins of Leng. Now, again, it's worth noting that common interpretations of Star Spawn are basically baby Cthulhus, just tiny versions of their dark and malevolent master, but to start with, they were described as "a land race of beings shaped like octopi and probably corresponding to the fabulous pre-human spawn of Cthulhu," in the story "At the Mountains of Madness."

Octodad highly RESEMBLES an octopus, but with some interesting tweaks. Namely: His eyes, two of his Tentacles, and something we'll talk about in just a minute. But let's talk about Octodad's anatomy when compared to another octopus, namely, the one in the "Wold of kelp" at the Aquarium.

Now, this is Octopus is a giant, climbable sculpture one might see at a water park, so in a technical sense, some liberties could have been taken with its anatomy, but it looks semi-accurate to real octopi, down to the slit-like pupils and the tentacles all being at roughly the same spot despite them spreading out for kids to climb on. Now, if you pay attention, a patron of the Aquarium will note that the "World of kelp" was something else before it was the world of kelp, though they THINK it was "Squids or something" before. Based on how the section played out, I have to believe the whole affair was either cephalopods in general given how many bases of just kelp they went over, or just Octopi because HOLY CRAP there are lots of octopi out there. Failing that, I don't think the statue was a squid to begin with, the eyes are far too forward on the head, what can be seen of the tentacles makes them all look the same, and most species of squid have circular pupils and irises, not slits/rectangles.

Octodad, in contrast to the sculpture, has vertically ovular pupils, far rounder than the slits on the larger statue, on top of that, his eyes take up a slightly larger portion of his head. Then we take a look at Octodad's tentacles, namely the two that form his mustache. These two tentacles are set away from the other six in a way that makes no real anatomical sense for an octopus. Not to mention that the two are preposterously shorter than the others, it's less like another pair of tendrils and more like a strange growth coming out of the middle of his head. Moving on from that, there's also a certain disparity with his other limbs, his "arms" are shorter than his "legs" when he stands, however, when he enters water, his limbs, save for his mustache, are all of equal length, this strange effect carries over to when he's buck-ass naked, so no, he isn't just scrunching two up while he's in the suit... Speaking of naked octodad:

What the hell is that THING in the midst of his tentacles? It's a lighter color than the others, he's still using two tentacles per leg, one per arm, and his mustache is basically vestigial. Octodad's anatomy makes no fucking sense unless you consider the idea that he has some level of shapeshifting power... and wouldn't you know it, Cthulhi have just that. To what end is a little shakey, as with most things in the Lovecraft universe, but still.

Also worth noting is the church Octodad got married at, a Church dedicated, at least partly, to Cthulhu himself. Now, we only see one window with any kind of figure on it, Cthulhu, wereas the others are all decked out with a strange symbol, as are a few paintings lining the walls of it. These paintings may be of religious significance to the practitioners of this particular faith, but a lot of it looks like some minimalist "If you get it you get it" kind of stuff, and then one is literally a crayon drawing of a child with a smiling balloon. The last vaguely Lovecraftian thing in the church is the treasure chest Octodad gets his wife's ring from, all the coins within have a squid/cuttlefish-like creature printed on them, In the story "Shadow over Innsmouth," the people of a town called "Innsmouth" start breeding with fish people. They did it specifically for the undersea gold the fish people (called Deep Ones) give out for the service. Deep Ones worship multiple gods, cheif among them are their great parents, Mother Hydra and Father Dagon, though worship of Cthulhu isn't against their laws or anything.

The game takes a break from the hints of Eldrich horror while the family is at home, though it is worth noting that we don't REALLY know where Octodad's children came from. Hell, the game makes a joke about it at the end, Tommy asks, plain as day, "If dad's an octopus... Then where did me and Stacy come from?" While his parents laugh the question off, it has a few possible answers: The two of them (Or just Tommy) are leftover from a failed relationship/marriage Scarlet was a part of before Octodad came in, the two (Or just Tommy) are adopted, or, in a manner not dissimilar to deep ones, Cthulhi may just be able to breed with humans in this universe.

Now, I say Tommy may be adopted/Not Octodad's specifically because Stacy says something concerning in the "Deep sea" exhibit at the Aquarium. She apparently has dreams wherein a deep, dark spot in the ocean seems to call to her. This turns out to be a sea horse ranch. Cute as that is, dreams are a recurrent theme in Lovecraft's work, sometimes compelling people into the service of Great old ones like Gla'aki, for example. Or there was that one story when a guy met Yog-Sothoth, the omniscient and omnipresent god of the universe just because he dreamed that deeply. Also "The Dreamlands" are a place in Lovecraft's fiction. I could keep going down that rabbit hole, but I'm lazy and I think that point is made.

There is also another reference (Possibly) to "Shadow over Innsmouth" and "Dagon" with the character of Chef Fujimoto. Now, Fujimoto himself is not a reference to anything in particular, but his backstory has some Lovecrafty bits. Namely, Fujimoto was once a soldier (Dagon) who cut open a combatant. Instead of human guts, "Piles of fish" were inside. (Shadow over Innsmouth.) This one might be a little more of a stretch but remember that Fujimoto is OBSESSED with Octodad and believes very firmly that there are fish people everywhere. ("Why is everyone fish!?") There are several Lovecraftian stories where the character feels he is being pursued or is surrounded in some way. Call of Cthulhu ends with one of the characters feeling that the cult is gunning for him, partly because some dude looked at him funny, and Dagon ended with the main character fearing that a servent of Dagon was coming up his stairs after him, so he threw himself out a window. The crippling paranoia experienced by Fujimoto is another hint that SOMETHING Eldrich is happening in the universe of Octodad.

Also worth noting is that a magazine entitled "Inquisitor" can be found at Gervason's, Octodad is on the cover, and they think he's an alien. Which begs the question: Why is it that most humans will let an obviously strange man do things without much concern at all? Hell, there are three lines present in both the main game and one of the extra shorts that imply EVERYONE sees something is wrong with Octodad. And I quote/paraphrase:

"I thought he was a lawyer?" "He's slimy enough to be one."

"Is it just me or did the captain look jigglier than usual?"

"Hmmm, I don't see a blurblerulb on the list."

These lines imply on some level that people recognize SOMETHING is wrong or different with Octodad but they don't carry the thought far enough to do anything with it... Unless perhaps at a distance, hence that cover of “Inquisitor.”

Another thing that tends to happen in Lovecraftian horror is the mind not making proper sense of things. For example: Canonically in the mythos, the image of Cthulhu mankind sees, humanoid body, octopus head, draconic wings, etc, is not what he really looks like, it's just our perception of Cthulhu because our minds aren't equipped to comprehend the real deal. Looking too long at just what we can see of Cthulhu will unravel your mind, causing both insanity and death if exposed even longer. I think that's part of Octodad's effect. When he's dressed, the humans around him perceive what their mind makes sense of. He's in a shirt and pants, therefore he is appropriately dressed as a human, therefore their minds SEE a human even if he's not QUITE right. We see, rather obviously, that he doesn't have human hands, he has tentacles with suckers, but Scarlet refers to it as a "Hand" still, this implies she and others see his appendages as hands or feet when he's disguised or doing something "Human enough." Only really undone if he's naked or does too many strange or seemingly malicious things like accidentally smack someone with a bag of doughnuts.

This is why you can get away with randomly dragging things across the floor, their minds are telling them something is a little off, but their ability to perceive might be telling them he's just got a medical condition or something. It's nothing to judge him for, he's just got a disability.

So at the end of that trail, what are we left with? Octodad as a Xothian/Deep one hybrid? Does that fundamentally change the game's story? Does this mean Octodad is a dark horror from beyond? Does he secretly seek to kill and maim and destroy all the things we hold dear? Will he one day help awaken Cthulhu and usher in the new age of the great old ones? No. See, Octodad, despite his horrifying inspirations, is a benevolent creature. He "blubs with a love for all mankind" in the ending for Dadliest Catch. He still obviously loves and cares for his family, whether they know his secret or not. He's just an alien from another dimension... or at least he has ancestry from another dimension.

Now, why is that? I've got two little ideas for that: It's an often found interpretation that most of the original writings of Lovecraft focus on the idea that "It is different, therefore it is bad." Xenophobia of an extremely high sort. Mind you, I often find this interpretation lacking, but we can probably discuss that later. I feel Octodad may be a natural extrapolation of the idea that it isn't bad because it's different, in fact, Octodad, despite keeping a secret, is an all-around "good" guy. Upstanding, moral, all that garbage, he just happens to be non-human. Something supporting this being a running theme is the scene with the Snugglefish. For those who have yet to play Dadliest catch, a section of the game takes place when the power in part of the Aquarium goes partially out. During this event, Octodad and Stacy come upon a large sculpture of a creature called a “Snugglefish.” which is covered by the dark. We shine lights at the supposedly malevolent creature, complete with monstrous teeth and evil red eyes, partially with the intent to “Blind it” despite the fact that its obviously a statue. That whole section up to then is nothing but fumbling in the dark, looking at the strange and some might say “alien” life living in the deep ocean, you can also learn some stuff about them if you pay attention. The whole thing ends when you fully light up the spots on the statue, revealing it to BE a Snuggle fish as opposed to some giant monster. As a result of revealing this, Stacy’s fears of it go right out and she feels she understands the creature better, as with most things, learning and understanding quiet one’s fears. when we learn what something is, we stop seeing it as an immediate threat is the take away from that section, I think, which is, again, I’d say, a call to Lovecraft's writings and his fear of that which was different and unknown and how it’s so easily thrown out with just a LITTLE understanding.

Another plausible explanation for Octodad’s kindness may be that Octodad is not a Star Spawn of Cthulhu, but of Kthanid. Kthanid is not an original creation of H.P. Lovecraft, but a bloke by the name of "Brian Lumley." Lumley's creation is the brother of Cthulhu, and is considered the main reason Cthulhu is sealed away these days. Kthanid is said to look almost exactly like Cthulhu but to have "Golden eyes that radiate peace." He's a loving, benevolent "Elder God" that wants the best for not just Humanity, but for all things. It would logically follow that if a creature dedicated itself to Kthanid, or was one of his spawn, it would be at least mostly as loving and kind. So, if Octodad, or "blurblerulb" if you prefer, was a purely hypothetical Kthani instead of Cthulhi, his disposition may well fit within the actual mythos.

So, what do y'all think? Does this theory hold water? Or does it sink harder than Cthulhu going back down for a nap?

#Octodad #Dadliest Catch #Tommy #Stacy #Scarlet #Chef Fujimoto #Cthulhu #Lovecraft #Kthanid #Xothians #star spawn #cthulhi #Deep Ones

116 notes · View notes

intim3ate · 5 years

Text

Kinktober Day 1 - Hate-Fucking | Feferi/Vriska [Homestuck]

When Feferi strikes up a kismesissitude with Vriska, Vriska realizes that the dream bubbles are both a blessing and a curse.

First fic of Kinktober! I’m on a real Homestuck kick right now and I was in the mood for some femslash, so I chose the hateship I’ve had for a really hella long time.

This one wasn’t commissioned, but I’m doing kinktober commissions all month! Info can be found here. Please check it out!

AO3 Link | Commission Info | Patreon | Leave a Tip?

------

"That was… surprisingly nasty of you."

Those were Vriska's exact words to her all those sweeps ago in the lab, back before she really knew Feferi. Back before they had both died, back before the dream bubbles existed, and back before Feferi had been granted an eternity to mess with her.

If she had known her better back then, Vriska probably never would have been surprised.

Vriska clenches her teeth as she looks down at Feferi kneeling between her legs, one hand on each knee to keep them spread wide open. Annoyingly, she's still fully clothed Vriska has been stripped down to nothing but her underwear. Feferi eyes the fabric disdainfully.

"You're so boring ," she says, curling a finger under the waistband. "Why don't you ever wear anything nice? I mean seriously, boyshorts ?"

"Fuck you, they're comfortable." Vriska bares her fangs at Feferi; she doesn't need this. Not now. She was busy , damn it, and Feferi can be such a pain in the ass when she's pretending to be pouty like this--

The sea dweller stands. The frown on her face looks wrong, like someone painted it on her, but it's something Vriska has become familiar with.

Feferi's happy, bubbly personality is not all there is to her. It's an image she projects, sometimes, when she's not in the presence of someone completely and utterly contemptible. Vriska thinks she should be honoured she should be counted among the few who gets to see the former heiress apparent of Alternia like for what she is, but then she remembers that Eridan is one of the others and feels disgust for herself all over again.

“Is that any way to speak to your Empress?” Feferi asks, mustering up all the condescension in her tone she can. It only falls a little flat.

“Hah. You ain’t Empress,” Vriska scoffs. “Alternia doesn’t exist anymore, remember? So even if you were, that’d just make you Empress of nothing. Noooooooothing.”

Feferi grabs her by the hair, clenching her fist right between Vriska’s horns and tugging hard. Vriska can’t stop herself hissing in pain. She looks up at Feferi, eyes half-scrunched closed in a wince.

“I could rip your throat out with my teeth if I wanted to,” Feferi says matter-of-factly. It's true, Vriska supposes; she looks at Feferi's teeth, glinting and razor-sharp, and thinks about the times the seadweller has bitten her neck trying to suck a mark into it and left scars instead.

"Then why don't you?" Vriska dares. They both know Feferi won't go through with it, but it's the thrill of what she will go through with that matters here.

"Princesses don't play with their food. And besides..." Feferi's eyes narrow and her grin widens, too sharp, too dangerous. "You're so much cuter when you scream!"

She lets go of Vriska's hair and yanks her by the horn instead, the nail of one finger scratching against it. Vriska hisses -- she's always had sensitive horns -- but she doesn't recoil when Feferi pulls her into a fierce, cutting kiss.

Feferi nips Vriska's lips open, just the slightest touch from the tip of her tooth enough to draw blood. Vriska knows better than to fight this, so she opens her mouth willingly, lets Feferi take control here, lets her navigate the treacherous terrain of crooked teeth and long, elegant fangs with her tongue. As if to mock her, Feferi runs that tongue over those fangs, lightly, just enough to say bite down if you dare.

Vrika doesn't dare, not this time, because Feferi has plunged her hand beneath her boyshorts and started teasing at the seam of her nook. Vriska moans into the seadweller's mouth and, encouraged, Feferi pushes against it harder.

"That's what I like to hear," she says when she finally, abruptly pulls away to allow Vriska some air. "Now was that so hard?"

"Fuck you." Vriksa spits in Feferi's face and Feferi slaps her with the back of her hand.

"And here I thought you were finally going to be good for me," Feferi sighs. She slips her finger in between Vriska's folds and scratches at the tip of her tentabulge. It's just starting to slip out, and Feferis face lights up in glee as it tries to curl around her finger. Vriksa hisses again, sucks a sharp breath between her teeth, and cringes away, but Feferi holds her in place with a hand on her horn.

"It's okay, Vriska," she says. "You don't have to fight all the time. I just want to give you what you want!"

Vriska reaches up and clamps her hand around Feferi's wrist. "Fuck you," she says again, but her bulge twitches traitorously into Feferi's hand.

Feferi giggles. "Sea? You do want this, Fishska. No need to be so crabby over it!"

Oh god, there she goes. Vriska hates the fish puns and Feferi knows it. She can see that smug glint in her kismesis's eye (despite the ghostly, milky white), that wicked curl of her lip. But Feferi doesn't give Vriska a chance to respond: she wraps her fingers around the tentacle and strokes it, gently pulling it all the way out from between Vriska's labia. It's every bit as slimy and wet as Vriska dreaded -- stupid body betraying her -- and it secretes more lubricant with every lazy tug Feferi gives it.

"I can not -- nngh, fuck -- believe you're doing the fish pun thing while you're trying to jack me off." And more than that, she can't believe she's getting off to it. But of course she is; Feferi knows how to inspire the best kind of hate in her -- in all the worst ways.

"Oh reel-y?" Feferi lifts all fingers from Vriska's bulge but one, leaving that one to flick at the tip of the tentacle. Vriska bites down a moan and shudders. "Because it seems to me you're taking the bait quite nicely. Like a sucker fish ."

Feferi lets go of Vriska's horn and crashes their lips together again. She scrapes down Vriska's side, drawing a pained moan from her kismesis and swallowing it greedily as she giggles against her lips.

Vriska pulls back and gasps for air. Feferi retaliates by crowding her and forcing another kiss upon her. This time, her hand slips under Vriska's bra to grasp and knead at her breast. She draws another noise out, a moan this time, and Vriska can feel Feferi smile against her lips.

Apparently pleased, Feferi finally pulls back and lets her breathe.

"There's my girl," she coos. Vriska's nose wrinkles in distaste at the tone. As much as Feferi claims she never wants to be like her ancestor, she's sure got the condescension part down pat. It's just another of those little things that Vriska can't stand about her: nobody talks down to Vriska Serket and gets away with it.

Except for Feferi, apparently. The absolute bitch.

Ignorant of Vriska's inner rage (or perhaps encouraged by it), Feferi wraps her fingers around Vriska's bulge again, drawing the blueblood from her thoughts as she instinctively bucks into the touch. She almost slides right out of Feferi's grip, she's so wet, and she hates how easy it is for the former heiress to get this kind of rise out of her.

"Wow, Vriska," she says, apparently giving her a break on the fish puns. "You're so wet ! Maybe I should have fetched us a bucket after all?"

Vriska shudders and moans. "Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuuuuuuuuck yoooooooouuuuuuuu--"

"Yeah, yeah, I know." Feferi backs up, giggling as she drops down between Vriska's legs again. Her hand never stops moving on Vriska's bulge. "God, you're so pouty today! I was hoping for something a little more aggressive than just a couple of 'fuck you's. If I wanted to be bored out of my school, I would have gone to salmon else."

Okay, that is it . Vriska snarls and lunges forward to snatch a fistful of Feferi's hair in her hand. She yanks on it roughly, pulling the seadweller's face closer to her pulsating tentabulge.

"Will you just can it already?!" she shouts. Feferi's lips break open in a triumphant grin, and Vriska has to ignore it, or she's going to lose whatever grip she still has on her sanity and come right on Feferi's face. Heh, she thinks. That'd shut her up nicely.

Actually…

Vriska moves her hand from Feferi's hair to the base of one of her horns, tilting her head down to make sure she's eye to eye with the slick, writhing tentacle she's still jerking off. Feferi hisses through her teeth and finally, Vriska feels like she's gotten a leg up.

"Yeah, that's right. Pay attention to what you're doing, Peixes; you're starting to get sloppy."

Feferi glares at her, but the look soon cracks into one of approval. She tightens her grip on Vriska's bulge, but the blueblood reaches down to bat her hand away.

"Actually, I changed my mind," she says. "I'd kind of like to get off, and if you're going to do this bad a job, I'd rather do it myself."

"...Is that so?" Feferi asks. She licks her lips as Vriska takes herself in hand and begins to rapidly jerk herself off. As much as Vriska knows it must be driving Feferi crazy to be forced to stop like this, the smile never leaves the former heiress's face. She looks calm, serene, like the ocean after a storm, and that gets to Vriska better than any spoken threat ever could.

Feferi makes good on her silent threat quickly.

She shoves two fingers into Vriksa's nook, and the scream that elicits makes her lips peel back even wider. Vriska's hips buck and thrash wildly as she tries to ride Feferi's fingers. She hadn't even realized how desperately she had wanted -- needed to be filled until she could feel Feferi's fingers flexing inside her. The sensation is overwhelming; Vriska can barely even focus on the hand around her bulge long enough to jerk it, and she almost lets it go, but doesn't, because she's so close now...

It's too much. Vriska finishes with one last cry, and it's all she can do to just barely yank Feferi's head down again to meet her bulge. She tries to keep her grip steady as she coats Feferi's face and drenches her hand in genetic material, and when Vriska finally opens her eyes, she realizes she was successful.

Feferi grimaces as she withdraws her fingers. She looks down at them for a second with what might be disgust and watches as the blue genetic material drips down her arm. She flicks her wrist and whatever residue is left splatters on the floor some distance away.

She turns to look at Vriska and her expression changes from mild distaste to triumph. She sashays over to the blueblood and leans over, placing her sticky palm on Vriska's still-heaving chest. Without saying a word, the two of them make eye contact, and Feferi leans down for a kiss.

Vriska groans. She can taste her own cum on Feferi's lips, and although it doesn't exactly taste good , it sends a thick, heady fog swirling through her brain. I could get used to this , she thinks hazily.

But Feferi pulls away too soon, just like she always does. Vriska opens her eyes and rolls them. "Good call," she says sarcastically. "We almost had a moment there."

Feferi just laughs. It's then that Vriska realizes that Feferi is stripping, ridding herself of her skirt and swimsuit. "You say that like you thought we were done here!"

Vriska sits up straight and drinks in Feferi's body, from her smug grin to her large, dripping tentabulge, already completely unsheathed and writhing in the open air.

She grins and bares her fangs. "Bring it, Peixes."

#homestuck #vrisfef #vriska serket #feferi peixes #r: e #fanfic #kinktober

2 notes · View notes

terrible-tentacle-theatre · 7 years

Text

The Bestiary: Coconut Octopus

Disclaimer: This article, while founded in scientific fact, contains conscious exaggerations for the sake of comedy. Do not take it seriously. List of sources included at the end.

Hello again you beautiful fuckers! The dread claws of higher educations have passed over me for the time being, which means two things: Jewish celebrations involving matzo and new articles. (Mostly just new articles because Passover is not actually in the winter, but I couldn’t pass that pun opportunity over. Oops, I did it again.)

And how better to celebrate surviving my first midterms than writing about the objectively best sea animals: octopuses?

Yes, there is an objective list of sea animals from best to worst. Yes, it’s scientific. Yes, octopuses are at the top. Trust me, I’m a scientist.

Let’s be honest here for a moment: octopuses fucking rock. They come equipped with eight tentacular arms tipped with powerful suckers that help them adhere to any surface or prey item, they can change colors in ways that give chameleons a run for their money, they spew ink into your face when you get too tiresome, and they have fucking chitinous beaks in place of mouths. Not bad for something so closely related to garden snails. But coolest of all is their intelligence: if sea life was a superhero comic, the octopus would be the evil genius. They have great big honking brains packed into their non-existent skulls, capable of operative learning, problem-solving and even exhibiting personality; but even better than that is the fact that their arms each come pre-packaged with their own sub-brain - all invertebrates have ganglia distributed at each major body part but with octopuses these knots of nerve tissue inflate into much more complex structures, that among other things give each arm its own separate “personality” - one arm might be more aggressive, the other more curious, the third more cautious, etc.

Octopuses are an outlier - there are some molluscs that don’t even fucking have heads, and these guys come out of the blue and start being laughably intelligent. They probably got shoved into the locker by the snails all the time, like the fucking nerds they were.

Now let’s stop for a moment and consider what’s the finest and most clear-cut imaginable example of intelligence. No, it’s not art. No, it’s not Tumblr. No, it’s definitely not Superbowl.

Instead, it is tool use. The capability to utilize something that is useless or even holding you back until the perfect moment it is needed. Just like Aquaman.

I think you already know where I’m going with this. That “where” being, of course, that octopuses are genius enough to figure out tool use, because of fucking course they would. However, only one known species has achieved this first feat towards conquering human civilization so far, that being the magnificent coconut octopus.

Yo.

Amphioctopus marginatus, also known as the veined octopus, is an excessively pretty and decorative, but vicious creature, somewhat resembling a magical girl in that respect, except magical girls usually don’t have sucker-tipped tentacles or chitinous beaks, but I digress (then again, its webbed tentacles lined with colorful suckers do give off the impression of a frilly skirt). It is a tropical littoral octopus, meaning it lives in shallow water near the shoreline in equatorial waters where it’s hot and damp as fuck. It most often occurs in China and Indonesia, and leads a benthic lifestyle, meaning it’s too much of a lazy ass to swim, preferring to move around on the sea floor instead. Generally it’s a well-rounded, ordinary tropical Pacific octopus with a pleasing color scheme and ridiculously specific needs for survival... OR IS IT??? *dramatic chord*

As it turns out, it is most definitely not. In a sense, it’s the most special octopus ever. Just like Batman, during the day it’s an ordinary cephalopod of wealth and taste, but at night, it is the protector of... well, itself in this case, but just like Batman it achieves this goal using its pricey toys. In Batman’s case, it’s shit like the Batmobile, Batarangs or the utility belt, but the coconut octopus resorts to a much easier kind of tool: coconut shells.

To the Batcave!

When you think about it, coconut shells are some of the best tools for protection, provided you’re small and squishy and betentacled enough. They are hard, thick half-spheres that come in pairs and few things can ever break through them thanks to their high resistance to breaking and shattering force. Of course they can’t stand a chance against, say, a predatory fish thirty times your size with giant jagged teeth, but if one of those takes a fancy to you then you’re fucked anyway, whatever you do, so in the meantime coconut shells offer good defense against anything that you could reasonably defend yourself from.

Here’s how it goes: the octopus crawls around on the seafloor, idly just looking around for a suitable pair of half-spheres to inhabit. When it comes across such an object, it scampers over to it, dives in and fastens the base of its tentacles all over the two half-shells and starts just awkwardly carrying them around. According to the wonderful scientists researching them, it actually hinders their movement quite a bit, as they have to “stilt-walk” on their arms with the half-shells tucked underneath the tentacles, making them look like they are carrying the biggest pair of balls around.

However, when danger draws near, the octopus simply snaps the shells shut, transforming them from handy-dandy ballsack-holders to something not unlike a Morph Ball.

A coconut octopus will often utilize these Morph Balls when exploring some sort of no man’s land that doesn’t hold many possible shelters, letting them sphere up immediately if danger draws near. Try to open me up now, fucker.

“But Admin”, I hear you say, “How does an octopus, even one living in shallow water, acquire a steady source of coconut shells?”

The answer, of course, is humans. Lots and lots of humans who settle by the coconut octopus’ habitat, climb up trees, eat coconuts and throw the shells into the ocean. The octopus jumps on the opportunity like the shells are filled to the brim with cocaine.

Of course, it’s unlikely the octopus evolved such a complex behavior just in the little time humans were there, especially considering that the Metroid franchise didn’t exist yet, so it needed another source of inspiration. That source, say the scientists, might have been sea shells, which also occur in high density around the parts where this guy lives, and indeed they have been seen using sea shells for the same morph ball reasons, making them look like a slimier, less spine-possessing version of the Birth of Venus.

Try me, I’m the most fabulous motherfucker around these parts

To make this little scamp even better, even its way of locomotion is hilarious. You know that little meme octopus that NOPEs out of here whenever you feel it’s an adequate use for a reaction image? That’s, in fact, a coconut octopus. Observe:

That motion is as useful to the coconut octopus as laughable it looks from the outside. by this weird-ass walking movement, the octopus can mimic a floating coconut, approximating the object of its obsession even closer. This offers it the coconut’s protection even when it doesn’t have one, because really, who would want to bite into a hard floating hairy ball? (Aside from coconut crabs of course, but once again, if one of those wants to eat you you’re already fucked beyond belief and no tricks will help you.)

However, don’t confuse the coconut octopus’ arsenal of defensive tricks for peaceful nature or anything like that. This guy is vicious, and hunts for a living. Those coconut and sea shells don’t just acts as ballsacks and protective morph balls, they also allow the octopus to lie in wait.

Oh yes, in case you forgot, pretty much all octopuses are predators, and all of them are venomous. This guy isn’t an exception either, and to make it better it uses its coconut shells as aids in its hunt.

This is how it goes: the octopus chooses a promising hunting spot, sets up shop inside its coconut shell, and waits patiently, until something suicidally dumb enough comes along. Then it puffs up its mantle, using the water suction to quite literally launch itself out of the coconut and strike the suicidally dumb thing from above like a betentacled incarnation of rage.

That fucker crab didn’t even see it coming. That’s what you get for being a dumb crab and not a tactical genius like the coconut octopus, I guess.

The suicidally dumb thing is then engulfed by the octopus’ arms, and then injected with paralyzing venom and digestive enzymes in rapid succession, allowing the octopus to suck out its liquefied insides spider-style.

Here you suckers thought this guy was just adorable coconut tricks and Ministry of Silly Walks. But no, they are actually quite ruthless and calculating hunters - both clownish and deadly, which is already the norm over here at the Terrible Tentacle Theatre.

Sources

Encyclopedia of Life

Smithsonian Institution

Wikipedia

#bestiary #biology #octopus #cephalopod #armor #tricky little shit #MORPH BALL #hunter #tool use #Dont fuck with the Octopus

289 notes · View notes