#i love horror im always worried i cant do it. but that first comic turned out nice so i'll have to believe i can do it in words too smh

[sualne]

small oneshot turning into something longer than planned

#my art #my comic #undescribed #op vamp au #its an idea thats been in my head for a long while. actually writing it is so hard tho ○|￣|_ #dialogue changed going from comic to fic form. actually dialogue are so hard in fic form im used to small short sentences (irl too lol) #but it doesnt feel as natural in fic. mines at least. why..... #i love horror im always worried i cant do it. but that first comic turned out nice so i'll have to believe i can do it in words too smh

[nightmaretyrantvantas]

When tensions break too often- a dark side au story

So I got my ideas back for some angst and some tension in this au, and I just couldnt resist writing it. Plus its a good way to warm me back up into doing things for this au.

This is also a bit of a deeper dive into the dynamics of darkside! Virgil and the other dark sides and how they all bounce and thrive off each other, as well a some backstory and peeks at the full effects of Deceit leaving( jealousy is with the dark sides but is only mentioned, he currently doesnt make much of an appearance in this one in particular, he gets his own angst later)

This was fun to write, not gonna lie. Its been awhile an this is gonna be long so buckle up with me

I also got alot of inspiration to finally write this out(and revise parts of it) due in part to @aimasup ‘s recent comics and writings about their kid sides(which I love, like alot alot and I hope they dont mind me getting super inspired by it!)

ships: Past prinxiety, past anxciet, implied intruxiety, implied intrulogical, implied intruloxiety, implied one sided remus x wrath, implied past demus, implied current roceit

Im putting a trigger warning here for cussing, fighting(verbal and physical), descriptions of panic attacks and emotional breakdowns, violence, gross and inappropriate language, some body horror descriptions, as well as implied unsympathetic sides(all sides are morally grey but the perspective is biased towards the dark sides as its seen from Wrath’s view- keep that in mind)

Things are about to get angsty my friends but i promise it ends happy(for once in this au)

I hope you guys enjoy

~~~~~~~~~~

Wrath Sanders had a lot more patience then almost everyone gave him credit for. Most considered him the biggest hothead there was, going off at the first irritation. But, the truth was he was eerily patient...Sure he may simmer and seethe and hold onto things in unhealthy grudges, but he never lost his cool as often as some would want you to believe.

Wrath Sanders kept his cool during many things, even if that was the last thing he wanted to do.

He had sat back through many things, biting his tongue to hold back the venom and yelling and grinding his teeth together in anger and forced himself to sit through many many things that happened around him out of respect- out of a deep fucking respect- for Virgil’s Fear’s Anxiety’s authority. Instead, he watched shit go down over and over again and held himself back from reacting towards the problem, focusing his energy on the recovery. 

But, the most recent event was his last fucking straw.

It had happened seemingly out of nowhere, Wrath had been slumped down on their shitty lumpy couch boredly watching some dumb movie. It was getting later in the night, around 10 maybe 11 and he had one of Remus’s crappy beers partially drank in his hand. He was just getting up to change the movie or turn it off all together when the whole house seemed to shift violently, the walls seeming to tremble. There was a moment of confusion before he heard it.

“ Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” 

His whole body jolted to its feet unsteadily as the sound of Anxiety’s pain wreaked scream filled the house to an almost deafening volume as it distorted and deepened. His body moved before his mind, lurching over the couch and running for the source of the scream as another one wailed out even louder than the first, the sound muffling the breaking bottle and violently shaking the walls with their reverb. He heard other sounds too underneath, glass shattering heavy objects banging and wood splintering, wallpaper shredding. A third screech rang out, cutting itself in half with echoing high pitched sobs. 

He hadnt been the first to make it to his room.

Wrath watched as he turned the corner in time to see Remus destroy Anxiety’s door with his morning star, a wild and desperately freaked out look to his glowing eyes as wood splintered and gave out under the weapon, some sending cuts into his cheeks. The creative side was then out of sight in a flash, forcing his way into the room yelling as to be heard over the screams.

Remembering the pain, the fear the absolute panic in Remus’s normally confident voice sent a deeper chill down his spine than the screams had.

“ Virgy??!! Fuck fuck fuck fUCK!! Virgy no no! Its me dammit!! Fuck FUCK FUCK!! No no NO! Virgy virgy virgy storm cloud creepy cryptid no no nnonononono look at me no no look at me cmon honey look at me not those at me. me me me me..” His voice continued, shaky and softening as the screams faded into heart wrenching sobs and high pitched hyperventilating gasps. Remus continued to speak, morning star thudding against carpet and a softer thud sounding.

“ Hey hey hey hey hey hey...hey hey hey I got you I got you I’m here im still here....i’m always here for ya honey...I got you now I got you see? Yeah yeah thats me....just focus on me....cmon cmon stormy cant pass out on me now...follow my breathing lets breathe together...in...out...in out...now....tell me five things you can see....cmon honey you got this just look up im here right here...” 

The sight through the broken door haunted him, made his chest throb hard and bile burn his throat. 

The bedroom before him was completely trashed. It was as if something feral and destructive had ripped it from its very foundation. Every piece of furniture, big or small, was broken and smashed apart, the anxious side’s bed and couch ripped into multiple pieces. Every shelf  or flat surface had faced an even worse fate, thrown around and shattered into various pieces that had been strewn around the room along with glass fragments from anything unfortunate enough to have been made of glass. Papers and books were severed and torn apart viciously, and the wallpaper was slashed in huge wide cute, some of the slashes cutting deep into the wall underneath. And in the middle of the disaster was Remus and Anxiety. Long, protruding limb like dark shapes sprouted from the purple side’s back, twitching and trembling with adrenaline along with his heaving, hunched over shaking form. Remus was there in front of him, knelt down to the balled up figure and slowly but surely coaxing him up enough to pull him into his arms and rock him back and forth as he kept speaking to him. It took Wrath a few seconds of his vision adjusting to the room’s darkness to realize Remus had more cuts on him, and why.

Strings.

Millions of purple tinted, tautly pulled strings, like a tightly woven and intricate sickening spider web filled the room from top to bottom as if trying to shield the two in its depths. He could see parts of them hanging limp, likely from Remus forcing his way through to the other. He watched in a horrified shock as Anxiety’s body lurched and jerked with his piercing sobs, hand harshly digging into his scalp through his hood and shadowy claws threatening to rip said hood open. He could see many of the strings connected directly to various parts of his body and to the eight extra things on his back and it made him shudder. The room radiated a sort of fear and panic that was infectious, suffocating even. But he refused to leave the doorway and abandon the two there, in that too dense darkness. 

He watched Remus manage to gather up the shorter side into his chest and rock him more, practically curling into a ball over him. He was still talking, his voice softening to the point he couldnt make it out anymore from the door. But he could see his expression. God his expression mightve been what pushed him past his bullshit accepting limit.

Remus’s face was grim, any traces of his grins and normal attitude gone. His eyes were glowing in a dark, dangerously violent fury but the way they stayed trained on Anxiety kept them, for the time being at least, soft and remorseful. There was so much pain there in that focused gaze, pain regret sorrow a disturbing amount of fear and understanding. His mouth moved with words not meant for Wrath to hear, soft gentle coos and reassurances too intimate to be heard by anyone else but the one trembling harshly in his strong arms. Brows furrowed and it made Wrath feel even colder to realize his hands, hands that were holding the other up and petting his hair through that black hood and rubbing between the spidery appendages, were trembling. 

Remus was trembling.

After awhile the strings seem to fade away into nothing, those shadowy limbs following them scarily slow. Once that happened and the worst of the darkeness seemed to dissipate was when Wrath dared to take a few stiff steps into the room, debris crunching too loudly under his boots. He saw Remus stiffen and his eyes flicker up like a cornered, ready to attack animal before relaxing, glow never leaving.

“ W...wh..r...R-remus...” 

“ Des...Dessy brat...h-hey spitfire do me a solid and go open my door ok? Dont worry itll lead to my bedroom...just...go open it for me...will you...?” Wrath’s voice failed him after that and he nodded, backing out of that suffocation and away into the brighter lit hall rushing from the room to push open the dark stained door further down. He turned around to go back, to try to help somehow...anyway he could, when he watched Remus instead picking his way out of the mess and into the hall, their leader cradled in his arms limply like a small sleeping child. Not a sound came from either of them as he stalked through the hall and into his room, a single nod dismissing Wrath before the door swung shut in front of him...

That was where he was drawing a line. Enough had been enough.

Wrath had sat back through many things, too many fucking things than he should have. He held back his doubts when Virgil and Roman had first started seeing each other when they were younger and dumber, had held himself and barely held Remus back from mauling the so called “good” creativity when things had gone awry and he had broken Virgil’s heart and left him in bitter, resentful pieces for them to pick up and help mend back together. He held back every time Thomas had, intentionally or unintentionally, slighted and undermined their jobs as a part of him, of their importance, of Virgil’s and Remus’s importance to him. He had sat back through the aftermath of ever fight with the “light” sides and with thomas, through every dismissal and banishment and arguement and accusation. He had helped and been there through countless sleepless nights and previous breakdowns and panic attacks between all four three of them, and he had been here, had been forced not to retaliate as per Virgil’s simple request.

“ Dont Des....dont go after them...Im forbidding it got it? Dont do it. it isnt going to be worth it...please...” 

It had always been the please, soft and defeated that made him obey. Not the angry snaps and lashing out, not the cruel words and push and shove they all did for so long, but the plea in that word...the vulnerability it revealed. 

He had sat through Deceit’s slow distancing from the rest of them...and his eventually leaving them for the light sides and the ensuing pain and breakdown that his leaving left behind.

It had splintered them, had struck both Virgil and Remus harder and more painfully than either side would verbally admit. Wrath had been forced to do nothing but helplessly watch it break them and break himself too, and try to clean up the aftermath best he could.

But this breakdown, seeing the side that had always stubbornly refused to buckle or back down reduced to a screaming sobbing wreck on the floor, seeing the other side he had always seen be nothing but strong and indifferent to everything thrown with a grin shaking in fear and softly pleading was too much.

He had stayed down, seething, resentment festering for years. too many years without an outlet.

He remembered the hand that had been held out to him all those years ago. Remembered coming along a little bit before Deceit ever did...and looking up from where he was angrily crying on the floor to see two figures before him. One was shorter, with two sets of brightly glowing purple and green eyes and a big black hoodie that was too big for him and messy hair that fell into his face. Behind him was someone much taller, with wild hair and a single streak of white in it, eyes feral and gleeful i a way that made him tense and made him mad through his tears. He was dressed extravagantly, like a prince or even a king grinning unnaturally wide. But his focus narrowed on the purple one, whose dark claw tipped hand stretched out in front of him in an offering. When Anger had put his head back in his knees to cry more he felt an arm drape over him. His head snapped up and he saw the princely one next to him with a softer expression, hand rubbing his back a little.

“ Hey....hey its ok Anger. Whatcha crying for? You did your job! Pretty damn well too! You were amazing the way you had Thomas screaming at that bully!” A clawed hand smacked him making him yelp and he looked in front of him to see Fear knelt in front of him with a look of understanding, a bitter smile on his face.

“ He’s right you know? You were only doing your job...you didnt realize how out of hand things would spiral and thats ok. How they reacted isnt your fault...” 

They offered him a place to go, a place to thrive. Screw the others that refused to understand and stay with them. And Fear led them both deeper down the halls by the hand, making sure he didnt get lost

He was done standing down.

Someone needed to pay. 

~ ~ ~

If he was honest, Wrath wasnt sure how long he sat outside the intrusive side’s shut door, sitting slumped against the opposing wall in a thick, deafening silence. It mustve been long enough for him to drift into an uneasy, restless sleep. His dreams filled up with memories of younger years, of pranks and scuffles and violent roughhousing the three of them got up to being on their own, of Remus making meals and running around frantic to keep both Anger and Fear from accidentally killing themselves or each other on something. Of Deceit hazily joining their trio, hesitant and quiet but able to snap back just as viciously and able to rough house back just as good as the rest of them after awhile. Of days filled with shrieks, squeals, bickering and shrilly laughter, of restless nights where they all broke into Remus’s room and dog piled on his bed to sleep. Of slowly growing up and watching Virgil come out of his quiet observance and transition from Fear to Anxiety and taking charge as a leader among them, of Remus stepping back and letting him with full confidence as his right hand and partner in crime in most cases. Of seeing Deceit come out of his terrified shell and blossom into a belovedly bitchy and...supposedly self assured side...of Virgil’s echoing screams that seem to reverberate through his very core...

He jolted awake at the sound of a door creaking, and sluggishly lifted his head to see a pair of familiar scuffled riding boots, laces fraying if you looked close enough. He lifted his gaze higher and soon locked onto tired green eyes that were dark and dull from exhaustion. Lifeless was a term he could describe those eyes with and that fact made him briefly queasy and cold. He looked tired, so very tired, and older. He was older than them both....but right now he looked much older than he was...There was a silence between them for a few moments that allowed Wrath to rouse himself up a little more.

“ Dessy....for all thats unholy...what’re you still doin out here dumbass? Did you stay there all night?” 

‘Dessy’...‘ Des’ the nickname eased some of his shot nerves. Ever since they were kids they had joked that his name shouldve been “ Despair” instead of “ Daniel Williams” because of his very present pessimism and negative outlook. And soon it became so much more fitting that his nickname became “ Des” short for despair...or in Remus’s case “ Dessy” as he oh so enjoyed calling him. The annoying nickname was familiar though, and it helped him relax enough to speak. His voice was rough and awkwardly quiet in the small hallway, as if he’d been the one screaming. 

“ I....wanted to make sure he’d be ok...” He trailed off, voice faltering with a clear shake. It sounded pathetic and weak to him. 

But maybe, just this once pathetic and weak wasnt a bad thing. Because at the sound of his voice, and his dumb reason, Wrath saw some life flicker back into the older side’s eyes, some of their glow returning. Remus let out a tired, exasperated sigh and gave him a small sad smile, his expression softened into something sorrowful yet fond. That fondness, that softness sent warm tingling butterflies fluttering through his chest like it always did despite the grim circumstances. Remus let out a strained chuckle and shook his head, pulling his door shut with a quiet click.

“ He’s asleep now ya little Tasmanian devil...let him rest and we’ll check on him in a bit...now cmon, lets go make some breakfast and watch some movies or something....lets go up up.” With a grunt Des allowed himself to be heaved up by the armpits to his feet and didnt protest Remus wrapping an arm around him and guiding him down to the living room. He didnt want to see that pained exhaustion on his face...he needed to do something

and had a problem he was finally going to get rid of. 

“ No Des you cant.” 

There was that feeling as familiar to him as breathing bubbling in his chest, that hot smoldering feeling of anger or irritation igniting. It flushed out the cold he had been feeling in an unpleasant way but he ignored that part, pressing his palms flat on the table with a bit of force as he narrowed his orange eyes at the one across from him. He felt something like acid stinging his mouth and begging to be spilled free but he did as he usually did and grit his teeth to hold the worst of it at bay. Pushing it down. Holding back again.

“ Not again Remus. I refuse to just fucking sit back and do nothing again. They need to be taught a lesson! This is all their fault- all his fault--”

“ Even if it is so fucking what?! You blindly lashing out at them is only going to make things worse I can promise you that--”

“ Like hell it will!! They act like they can just walk all over us and treat us like fucking trash and cause things like last night and you think im lashing out blindly when--”

“ --When youre temper is as violent as a fucking feral mongoose--” “ Dont call me a fucking mongoose beetlejuice reject!!” “ Oh shut up and sit back down you twerp!!” 

They went back and forth across the table, both their tempers and volumes raising as they fought. That bubbling feeling was twisting into a boiling, growing burning that began filling his chest and core. Why was Remus not agreeing with him for fucks sake--

His vision started tinging red.

“ Look brat you think I fucking like this?! You think im not pissed the fuck off?! Because I am! I’m beyond pissed off about this!! About the fact I know exact who and what caused Virgy’s breakdown and about the fact it happened at all!! I fucking get it!! But even I know you shouldnt just storm in there to take off trying to take off their fucking heads when youre too upset! Youre not thinking clearly enough for that kind of confrontation dammit im trying to protect you in this too!!” Remus’s words were loud, ruthless, and hard hitting. There were angry and forceful and made sense.

Plenty of sense. 

And somehow that made him even angrier.

“ Oh? Ooooh! I get it, I fucking get it! Now that youve been sweetening up fucking logic youre suddenly the first to fucking defend them hurting our fucking best friend--”

“--oh for fucks sake bitch Logan has nothing to fucking do with this!! Im not fucking defending them either!! I swear to god im just trying to--” “ --to what huh?! Keep on his good side so you can get in his fucking pants?! Or so you can fucking push it aside and laugh about it later like one of them?!--” “ Goddammit you fucking stubborn brat you dont know what youre even talking about--” “ I dont know what im talking about?! I DONT KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT?!?!” His voice rose much louder, his own trembling distortion coming out and getting spat at the side who had helped fucking raise him like venom.

“ I dont know what im talking about?!!  You mean like how I NEVER seem to know what the fuck im talking about?! Like how Virgil  never knows what hes talking about or how you never seem to know what youre fucking talking about when your talking to them?! God now youre even starting to sound like those pretentious bastards!! Dont know what im talking about?! What part do I not know what im talking about Intrusive Thoughts?! huh??!!” His breath was coming out in ragged, squeaking pants as his eyes began to burn “Which fucking part do I not fucking know?! The part where ive had to sit back and bottle up my rage at being pushed aside and degraded and judged and dismissed or having to sit back for fucking years and watch you and virgil get hurt and hurt and ignored and dismissed and talked down and insulted and broken and having to swallow my protests of it?! Or of knowing last night fucking happened because Deceit decided to fully live up to his fucking name and abandoned us for those bastards and left us alone without a second thought and got away with it?! Or the fucking fact youre too busy trying to bone down logic to even fucking care--!!” 

Smack!

It came so fast he hadnt had time to prepare for it before his head was snapped to the side and pain exploding in his face, on the cheek near the jaw in particular as he staggered to the ground a good foot and his eyes eerily slow dragged themselves from looking at the kitchen cabinets to Remus, who still had his fist outstretched near where it had collided with his face, his chest heaving almost like his own was, eyes wild and just as angry before a flash of realization went through them.

“ ....Des....fuck...i...you...” Nothing too coherent came babbling out Remus’s mouth, he was still way too hoped up on anger fueled adrenaline. His fist was starting to tremble and Wrath watched his pupils dilate a few times in his attempt to calm down.

And then there was something like an explosion as that burning feeling warped into a raging fire and Wrath let out a infuriated, inhuman shriek and lunged for Remus with a full intent to rip out his stupid fucking throat as his rage consumed him.

The two fighting sides went crashing into the living room loudly nearly knocking over the couch in their wake, both of them screaming and Wrath inhumanly screeching in an almost reptilian manner as he clawed and punched wherever he could reach. Remus wasnt just lying down and taking it either, yelling in loud angry spats of soon unraveling nonsense as he fought back mercilessly, throwing the other into walls, into furniture, throwing punches and kicks of his own. But nothing seemed to slow the orange side down and he struck back with slowly growing claws and fangs and something sharp growing out of his hair, angry tears burning his eyes and his voice too warbled and distorted to even be understood anymore, both their forms twitching and subtly shifting and glowing as they tried to rip each other to shreds, things fluid dripping and twisting lashing out from Remus’s back. Remus was stronger, he always had been, but Wrath had a seemingly endless stream of fury and adrenaline that kept him getting back up and charging in for more, the room being wrecked between them. Maybe things would have gone too far if it hadnt been brought to a hard, screeching halt.

By the time they could both blink they were ripped away from each other, both now uselessly struggling as they were entangled in roughly restraining strings that glowed a eye straining, furious purple color and seemed to tighten and wrap around them more the more they fought and struggled for freedom. Their indecipherable words and incoherent screams where just as ruthlessly cut short as strings wrapped warningly around their throats, not tight enough to actually choke or hurt them, but firm enough to be very present and felt, their voices being quite literally silenced the moment it touched looped once and touched the spot over their vocal cords. There was a horrifically tense silence as their mouths moved in spat insults and screams that never made a sound.

“......that....that is enough out of both of you.”  

Virgil’s voice cut through the room like a cleaver, the tone dead, cold, and just as pissed off as they were. At first they couldnt see him, manic eyes darting around until Wrath saw the Duke’s eyes trained on top of the stairs near the hallway, pupils down to small pinpricks. When he glared over in that direction he fully understood and felt all that anger draining and quickly turning into a queasy, cold dread that made him want to cower.

That radiation of fury, or bone chilling fear and a kind of suffocating anxiety that made it hard to breathe and a panic that made them both feel like they were perpetually falling and simultaneously drowning swept over the living room like a flood, the corners and ceilings slowly developing intricate pulsing webs or strings that seem to absorb the rooms light as Virgil stepped, no, half crawled down the stairs and into view. Both sets of eyes were visibly, the whites dyed a void like inky black where his brightly burning purple and green irises cut into them coldly. Something sharp and gleaming poked from his scowl and revealed themselves as fangs as his snarl curled his lips. His hood was up hiding most of his pale skin but couldnt hide the flecks and scatterings of void like, inky and purple spots dusting parts of his slowly purple tinging skin. His hands, snapping out from his sleeves to grip the stair railing were fully blotched in that void, fingers curling into razor sharp claws that strings hung stickily too. The eight dark appendages, opaque and gangly half carried him down faster than usual, the ends digging into the carpet as if for stability. A shrill hiss whistled through Anxiety’s teeth and the panic inducing feeling of being stared at at being excruciatingly examined came from every corner, growing worse and worse as he stalked closer with silent movements. 

“ What....the actual fuck are you two doing.” The words with sharp edged and cold, tone flat and tired. They both just stared helplessly, unable to move or speak and both beginning to mindlessly panic. Virgil blinked and a gust of air like an exhale swepted through the room and....left no traces of those fearful horrified feelings in its wake. Both of their feet thudded mutedly against the carpeted floor as the strings released them and retreated back into nothing, disappearing from all around them as if they had never been there to begin with...the room never dimmer than it had started in the morning light and the three of them stood there in silence. Any hints of inhumanity were gone from Anxiety’s form, leaving his two still glowing eyes losing their luster and leaving dull annoyance behind, no fangs, no extra limbs, no claws, no void dotting his skin. When he spoke he took a slow breath, as if unable to breathe just like them.

“....I...I mean it you two...what. the actual fuck did you two wake me up with.” Even his voice had returned to normal, if not for a bit shaky and hoarse from last nights screaming. Wrath saw his eyes were bloodshot, and his face was tinged with blotchy pink and was puffy from crying and something clenched in his chest, thudding hard. He looked at Remus, who was panting from lack of breath, eyes dull and exhausted and pain filled again, injuries from their fight blaring from the blood decorating his body and clothes.

He had done that....he’d lost control again...

“ Im dont want to repeat myself a third fucking time. What the fuck did you--” 

“ I...This is my fault I started it...” Both of them looked at him, gazes drilling into him. But he let his head drop as shame took over, choking him a little. This was his family and they were already hurting and look what he’d done-

“Oh piss off Dessperato. It aint only your fault I fucked up too. Look virgy we were both tired and coming off that dumb worry adrenaline shit and we started arguing...and we got waaaaaay too heated and decided to beat the living shit out of each other...sorry we woke you you were suppose to sleep later.” Virgil let out a sigh and rubbed his temples, pulling off his hood and shaking out his messy bedhead. 

“ Is that all that happened? Im not deaf and the doors arent sound blockers...” “ Then why are you asking.” Virgil and Remus as a bit of a stare off before finally, for the first time that morning all the life slowly returned to his eyes and he gave a toothy, blood streaked grin and started to laugh. The other two looked at him like he had fully lost it. Then Virgil’s lips twitched up and Des rolled his eyes and failed to stop the grin spreading across his face or the chuckles that he managed to choke out. Within a few minutes all three of them were laughing on the messy living room floor  half sprawled over each other and Jealously bemusedly deciding they werent capable of making breakfast and making it for them all instead. Des watched half delerious from his exhaustion as Remus cackled and kicked his leg, just to laugh more when he kicked back.

“ I swear to god no more violence out of you two or I swear I’ll...” Remus let out a snort and gripped the other’s chin between his fingers sensually tugging their faces closer with a smug grin

“ You’ll what Hot Topic? Lock me in the closet again? Or send me reeling with nightmares and hallucinations~ Oh please virgy baby I dare you too~” His tone was light and suggestive, quirking his eyebrows up teasingly for added effect. Virgil snorted and and grinned back leaning close as well.

“ Oh dont start teeempting me with those sweet talkins about hallucinations dr. Hideous~ I might just take you up on that...” Then he flicked his nose and shove him away, both of them laughing. Des was about to try to give them the time to themselves when Remus yanked him between them waggling his finger disapprovingly, making him whack the other’s shoulder with a affectionate “ fuck RIGHT off” and for awhile, in that growing morning light, things felt ok. 

It had taken alot of talking, and another arguement almost breaking out between himself and virgil to convince him to back down from confronting the light sides violently. Virgil brought a surprising amount of identical points to remus, while also reminding him that reacting to violently will only make them ignore and dismiss him further. Des was very reluctant, and stubborn, but ultimately he trusted Virgil’s and Remus’s judgement. He trusted Virgil’s reasoning and that he was looking out for him- protecting him. So when he asked him, softly, to refrain from trying to handle it on my own and let him deal with it Des had agreed, obeying his request.

And then a real tipping point pushed him back over the edge.

It was a few weeks later. He remembered distinctly because the mindscape was abuzz with excitement, even the dark sides were effected by Thomas’s unbridled joy. But Virgil had said he was getting a bad feeling...and headed off to the main part of the mindscape that morning. Things were quiet after, calm even. At some point him and Remus had started playing cards, though Remus was blatantly cheating and they were bickering.

Things were fine...things were calm...

Then Virgil crashing into the living room breathing harshly and in the midst of a bad panic attack. 

They both jumped up and Remus caught the other in his arms, trying to calm him down and figure out what happened. It took a long time and for awhile they only got bits and pieces out

Thomas

A callback, a big important one he and Roman were thrilled for

Patton, something with both Patton and Deceit

Neither of them agreeing but both of them fighting Virgil

some kind of important friend event on the same day

they had argued, they had fought, there had been yelling by the climax of it

Him and Roman went at each others throat despite the fact he had been trying to help roman’s cause

Deceit fought him alot too, trying to cut him off at every chance in a form of fear response, out of defense

Him and patton argued and fought badly for the first time since Thomas’s last breakup

He thought logan would try to see his side and be a neutral party

Logan was getting tug of warred into agreeing to arguments to push him out

They kept trying to shut him down and dismiss him, they stopped listening fairly

Virgil had to pull out a form shift in front of thomas

He had to use his influences and fear to get them to stop talking over him and twisting his words

it only made things worse, and arguments harsher

They rejected him and his attempts to help more

He started having a panic attack mid argument

He thought logan and patton tried to help but they were getting drowned out by Roman and Dee

There was so much yelling, things that should never be said got thrown

They told Virgil he never does anything but make Thomas worse

Thomas finally nearly screamed for them all to stop and half asked half pleaded for Virgil to just leave until everyone calmed down

He lashed out and hit someone, he wasnt even sure who before he fled, not hearing them yell after him. It mightve been patton, or thomas, or maybe logan

And then his panic attack got worse and neither of them could get another understandable word from him. 

In the end Remus eventually got him called down, after a good couple hours of trying, and it took everything in Wrath not to scream and destroy the room.

All Virgil did was try to help, and look what their....their bullshit left him. He was beyond seething at this point, he was fuming he was downright practically breathing fire and shaking from the effort to keep himself still. Remus gave him a cautious warning look, as if he was sizing up one of his many monsters in the imagination and debating if it would kill him or not and Virgil lifted his head to choke out for him to stand down, and to not do anything. Wrath had nodded silently and waited, watching Remus help him upstairs to his room to grab his headphones, and hopefully calm down more. Once they were out of sight he made a decision. He knew the consequences of it, knew theyd both be furious and Virgil would make hell for him for it. But none of that mattered to him

For the first time in many many years...he disobeyed Anxiety’s direct request.

It took a few days to find an opening, but once he saw one he took it, rising up in the big main living room, unknowingly in the middle of a video brainstorm.

Wrath always seemed to appear near the couch, between Roman and Thomas. Just seeing them made his blood boil more than it had been.

It was easy to say he scared the shit out of most of them by just appearing, his entire presence sucking the air from the room and making it hot and tense, a cracked dam waiting to break. Itd been months since he’d seen them face to face, and for a moment his senses got overwhelmed by everything.

But he let that fuel his anger further and he growled for them to fess up. Which one had said it. Roman had of course jumped to the defensive of his friends and that was all Wrath needed.

He lost it, pointing and yelling and accusing Roman. Blaming him for it. Roman didnt back down and fought back, and the fight only seemed to worsen. The others tried to interject, and maybe if Wrath’s vision hadnt been blood red from his fury he wouldve seen they were trying to diffuse the situation and calm things down, talk things out. But he ignored that, whipping around and lashing out at them too

“ Wrath you need to step back and take a deep breath! Youre getting irrational!”

“ Wrath kiddo please we dont have to yell and scream about this Logan’s right lets all take a deep breath ok?”

“ Like hell! Im not going to just let him force his way in here and yell and scream and pretend its ok and we can talk!”

“ Roman please!” “ro stop getting angry back is just making all of it worse the others are right we need to be calm or we’ll never get through to him.”

That voice. Silken and soaked with caution. He whirled around on Deceit and snarled pinning him to the wall without thinking.

“ This is all your fucking fault! Youre the reason they keeping hurting and virgil has breakdowns that put him out of commission for days!! Youre part of the reason Remus locks himself away beating himself up. they trusted you!! We all trusted you and you decided to fuck us over and throw us out like trash!! Was it worth it?!?! Was being here worth breaking the people you grew up with you and loved you?! Well?!” There was yelling around them, and he thought briefly he heard Remus’s and Virgil’s voices behind him as well. But now all that anger, that pushed down bitterness and resentment finally had a target and he couldnt focus on anything else. He didnt even heard Deceits struggling answer as he tried to claw him off, his different eyes wide and his mouth moving in words that werent registering.

“ -youre right ok?! Fuck youre not right at all--fuck fuck I get it youre angry and I fucked up with this, this isnt my fault and I havent been trying to figure out ways to fix it! I totally havent been beating myself up for what happened a few days ago with virgil and I dont regret it ok--” THe words blended together in his head, there were hands on his shoulders ripping him away the the freaked out snake and shoving him into the couch. He snarled but froze when he realized He was staring at the very formal business end of Remus’s morning star, inched from his nose and Remus standing over him with a dark look over his face...dark and upset The red faded from his vision and he blinked rapidly, eyes burning again and jaw aching from how hard he’d been clenching it or from yelling he honestly couldnt even tell anymore. From behind Remus stood both Logan and Virgil, side by side speaking in rapid low voices he couldnt decipher. Behind them he caught of glimpse of Roman and Patton both kneeling on the floor, fretting over a still freaked out Deceit as Jealously offered to help him up. Wrath was struggling to breathe, his body twitching and shaky from the quickly fading adrenaline. Soon he was left feeling cold and sick of himself, staring at Remus with just as wide and wild eyes. 

“ Easy....easy spitfire....youre...just breathe for me ok?” He couldnt even nod, he couldnt move. He vageuely noticed Virgil and Logan both looking at him before the morning star was gone and Logan was in front of him, hands palm up in a non-threatening manner. 

“ Wrath can you hear me? Good...just listen to my voice...I need you to name me five things you can see.” He blinked rapidly and barely heard Remus’s and Virgil’s murmurs of reassurance. Or maybe Virgil’s was more quiet talking, as he was standing at Patton’ side  like the normally bubbly side’s shadow. 

“u...uuh....y..youre tie...r-remus’s outfit....the stairs...the others...and the Roman’s s-sword...” Logan gave a nod, slowly kneeling in front of him with a calm, leveled expression that helped him focus more.

“ Good, now four things you can touch. Take your time Wrath.” He flexed his fingers, more of a twitch really as his breathing began to even out slowly. “ Um...My jacket...the couch...my jeans...uh...t..the carpet?” He nodded again through his faltered stammering as the deepness faded.

“ Three things you can hear?” He blinked again and listened for a moment.

“ .....your voice...Remus’s voice...the others...” “ Two things you can smell, remember take your time.” “ Bacon...from breakfast...and someones cologne..” A small smile came to his face as he adjusted his glasses in slow noticeable motions.

“ Just just 1 thing you can taste.” He managed to smack his lips once and his face screwed up at the taste lingering in his mouth.

“ ....acidic bile...” Both their brows furrowed a little but when Logan looked over his shoulder Remus shrugged at the silent question.

“Probably needs to puke Dr. Maywhoo.” Logan sighed at the nickname and turned back to him, holding up his hands a little.

“ Now, Wrath Id life for you to unclench your jaw, roll and relax your shoulders, loosen your posture if you can, uncurl your fingers and exhale please.” He blinked and slowly did as instructed, not realizing until then that he was wound up like a jack in the box. His jaw ached as he unclenched it and his shoulders slumped heavily as he relaxed, fingers sore from apparently being curled into firsts for so long, small red lines in his palms from his nails. He felt calmer, drained and upset, but calm. 

“ Logan, Remus.” He looked past them to see virgil standing up tall, if not awkwardly, besides Roman and watching them with a hard to read look.

“ I...think sitting down and calmly talking...is now long overdue.” 

~~~~~

Hours later Wrath Des found himself on the mindscapes main couch tiredly nestled besides a dozed off Jealousy Jacob and a cheerfully talking Patton. They had spent hours haphazardly strewn around the very room, just...talking and discussing and airing years worth of grievences. It wasnt easy, and things were no where near fixed or completely repaired. But, there were many small positive steps taken in that direction...and things were lighter and better as they stood at a better understanding of each other. Things werent perfect, and in the back of his mind he could list everything that could fuck up and send them back spiraling. Yet he didnt want to ruin what...whatever it was happening as dinner was cooked. Logan, Remus, and Virgil all sat together on the other side of the couch chatting among themselves and with Patton as they tried to decide on a movie and played candyland. In the kitchen he could hear Roman and Deceit cooking and giggling with each other, trying to outdo each other with some dumb food based pick up lines. But they sounded happy, so many it wasnt that dumb...Des watched them play candyland, staying relatively quiet aside from answering questions and jabs sent his way. It was comfortable and relaxed, and Des couldnt help but yawn. Without noticing , he ended up resting his head on Patton’s clearly unoccupied and underutilized shoulder as his eyes drooped shut. He felt Patton jump a little before slowly relaxing, and he didnt even need to open his eyes to flip Remus off as he let out an overly exaggerated coo at the motion letting himself relax. Patton smelled good he decided. Like fabric softener and baked goods and some kind of spice...Des also decided that the blurry sight of the trio next to them, with Remus’s legs draped across Logan and Virgil’s laps and one hand playing with Virgils messy hair as he sat on Logan’s right and Virgil contently and fully relaxed into Logan’s left side, head resting in the crook of his neck and his hand laced with the logical side’s unused hand as they played was also good. The sound of Jacobs soft snores was soothing and the joyful flirty voices in the kitchen blended into it well when combined with Pattons soft humming. If this was how things would be more often....he’d learn to add a little more patience to his supply of the stuff....

And maybe for once he didnt have to be negative, with no more tension for now to be broken.

The end.

 Ok holy shit its finally finished!! This was over 7k goddamn words of emotion and holy shit was it a rollercoaster to write

THis is what happened when I wake up before 5 in the morning after not being able to sleep much...I apparently bust out 15 whole pages worth of words

Now....to go do my chores real quick and go pass the fuck out for an hour or two of sleep

I hope you guys liked it!!!

taglist

@phantommoonpeople @sweetsweetemo @leesacrakon @amazable01 @strawberryjellystuff @heyhelloitsk @jemthebookworm @max-is-tired @seriously-a-dragon @sar-kasstic @soupspam @riarities @yalltookmyurlideas @unsocialchapeau @hyperions-stallion @aqua-mazing @pancakewithamace @dee-ree-vee @sensibleghost @ro-roowo @baby-duck-boy @wack-ismygender

#My writing #sander sides #sander sides au #dark sides #ts dark sides #dark sides au #sander sides writing #sander sides angst #roman sanders #ts roman #deceit sanders #ts deceit #virgil sanders #ts virgil #dark side virgil #logan sanders #ts logan #patton sanders #ts patton #remus sanders #ts remus #implied ships #orange side #ts wrath #implied prinxiety #implied demus #intruxiety #intrulogical #intruloxiety #roceit

[tumblunni]

Rambling about my new watchholder oc Mallory

* absolute gremlin child. Eats dirt. Probably more of a monster than most of the yokai.

* at the same time tho, she is like super sunshine friend! She looks kinda gloomy ominous but her personality is actually super bubbly and her biggest priority in life is making new yokai friends and loving them forever. Like, creepy in a wholesome way? She does indeed love horror movies and creepy crawlies and could probably fistfight god, but that doesnt mean she's evil!

* kinda always bored but also easily exciteable? One of her biggest recurring jokes is just ignoring the normal or sane solution to a thing and doing something more fun even if its more difficult or dangerous. Actually i guess its more "fearless" than bored? Or bored of fear, lol. Fearless and doesnt really give a shit about any rules. But again not in a mean way, she doesnt break rules because she wants to piss people off, just like "im not gonna believe this if nobody bothers explaining why its supposed to be so important". But not exactly phrased like that cos that would be rude, lol. So uhh more like just relateable autism feel of not grasping social cues but mixed with a personality thats quite outgoing and uncaring of being judged poorly for not being normal, as opposed to me who's always worried about what people think.

* oh wait thats the word for it!! Free-spirited! Trickster! Like a peter pan type of trickster tho, more than loki. Like just "i am naturally outside the obligations of normalcy" rather than "i am intentionally trying to prank/illusion/manipulate people cos its funny". Or uhh i guess "manic pixie dream girl" but without all the stupid shit that trope has got associated with.

* pretty much just wish fullfillment of "what if i was confident enough to not care what people think and just act like myself no matter what"

* anyway in summary she likes to climb trees n stuff and her reaction to yokai being real is "yay" and her reaction to seeing an undefeatable giant kaiju is to run at it and try and suplex it with her bare hands. She's kind of a badass! Tho lol also her biggest character flaw is her badassness, cos she can be reckless due to the lack of fear. But then also sometimes when everyone is hopeless she really does manage to save the day no matter what, and help inspire everyone else to be brave too!

* though i'm thinking of maybe a character arc where she starts off seeing this as just a fun adventure with no stakes, and it doesnt matter if you take risks cos nobody's gonna get hurt anyway. Like a "this isnt really real, its just my hero's story" sort of thing? When things start getting more dark and she faces things she cant just defeat with simple optimism, it kinda stops being fun anymore. And she has to realize that even if she doesnt care about her own self preservation there's consequences that could happen to her friends and family. And maybe she's already made mistakes that she can't take back, and now she's neck deep in a conflict thats a lot bigger and more insurmountable than she thought. You can't just fistfight something like the abstract concept of hatred for humanity which will continue to be perpetuated as long as the idea keeps taking root. And maybe even yokai you befriended could start to believe it too, after all you've kinda been treating them as just fun toys and sidekicks on a story that's all about you, and dragging them into danger with your recklessness. Even though you're fighting the villains, are you really doing it because you actually care about saving the day? Do you even know what you're saving it from...?

* and similar to her unflappable victoryness being shaken, i think her fearlessness and confidence could also be deeper than they look on the surface. I feel like maybe as the story goes on it could be revealed that its less being fearless and more just not caring about her own safety. You start to see her get more actual consequences from her fights, and it starts to become sort of concerning that she keeps brushing it off as no big deal. Laughing it off. Wondering why her friends are even sad that she got hurt. And maybe she isnt really happy all the time and 100% secure in who she is, she just tries to hide any signs of doubt because she feels like nobody would care. And that she has to always be the funny class clown or else nobody would want to be her friend. And like.. She doesnt even really believe that she's great, believe that she's fine as she is. She's more aware of her weirdness than she lets on. She's constantly, paralyzingly aware that everyone thinks she's a freak. She did use to try and change herself to fit in, but she kept failing at it and it never helped her get any friends. Or when she did think she made a friend they'd turn on her whenever she slipped up and showed a crack in her mask of the perfect normal person. The perfect normal person they wanted her to be.. Constantly changing into WHATEVER anyone wanted her to be. The only reason she doesnt do that anymore is that she lost all hope in it working, not that she actually gained confidence in her true self. And even when she's npt conciously doing it she's still subconciously trying to be what people want her to be. She has to always be funny, always be fearless, she has to cling to the few parts of her weirdness that people dont seem to hate. And now she has to be the hero. She has to carry all the dreams of everyone she's met along the way, while never letting them know when she's scared she wont be able to help make them come true. She's always just laughing it off and never being fully open with any of her friends, because she's scared they'll hate her. ..

* so uhh.. Yeah. Personal experience of that. Personal experience of trying to fit into negative stereotypes of autism because thats what everyone saw me as no matter how hard i tried, and also it was the only form of autism theyd treat positively, somehow. Like just be the "funny one" and dont challenge any of their assumptions ans they'll leave you in relative peace. Put up with some degree of degredation to avoid the even worse version. And i was doing all of this at a very youbg age before i even knew i was autistic or what autism was, but i could still feel how people treated me differently and how i had to friggin agree with it or else they'd never let it go. Gahhh.. It was all way too complicated and dark for a kid to understand!

* so yeah anyway her story arc is going from being a badass funny to being a funny badass? Like she just becomes more genuinely tough and cool when she's not always winning and the stakes dont seem so low and comical AND most importantly you know her real feelings and see that she will indeed continue fighting even when she's scared. And she doesnt try so hard to be cool all the time so it just lets her be more genuine. And form actual relationships with everyone with genuine feelings. So its less "she is badass because its funny" and more "she is a badass because she's a badass". But she's still funny, just in more varied ways than simply "the only reason she won this fight so fast is because jokes". Fighting legit threatening enemies in fights that arent over in five seconds. So they can contain... SEVERAL joke..!!! And also some actual fighting for once!!

* hhh i dunno i am very tired im probably not explaining this well

* oh and i think possibly she has a bit of a complex of feeling she's nothing without her yokai watch? Like the yokai are her first friends who never abandoned her. And she always felt like she was useless and it was her own fault that she didnt have any friends. She first started off being all irreverent and goofy when she got the yokai watch cos she was well into her "i dont care anymore" phase of depression and felt certain these new friends would all realise she was awful eventually and leave, so like.. Why get attatched? Just have fun while it lasts. So maybe actually she shows early signs of her depression by trying harder to be normal whenever anyone shows her friendship. Maybe something where she starts straigjtening her hair or dressing more feminine and then you just see this look on her face like her heart has shattered when someone agrees that she does look better now. (Maybe a new yokai she recently caught who was like super cool and she wanted to impress them?) And she gets compulsively obsessed with it, exaggerating it to a ridiculous degree and starting to change other parts of her appearance and everyone goes from giggling about this weird circumstance to getting REALLY DAMN CONCERNED! And in the end something something the yokai who was an asshole abput her needing to be more feminine slips up and shows his true assy colours to the other yokai and theyre like IT WAS YOU and he's like "what? You should be thanking me for fixing your shitty trainer!" And Then Everyone Beats Him Up Forever. Etc etc moral that real friends accept you for who you are and anyone who tells you you have to change to impress them is not worth impressing. Also maybe some aspect where the yokai dude thinks that mallory is trying to impress him cos she has a crush on him, and thats the moment that manages to snap her out of her depressive funk. Self hate overrided by sheer EWW NO IM A LESBIAN, DUDE i just liked ur cool hat, geez. (Wait was that entire plot idea just an excuse to find a way to foreshadow her getting a crush on hailey in yw3...?)

* and maybe i dunno some sort of dramatic episode where she loses the ability to use the yokai watch and is faced with her self worth issues all at once and its super fuckin sad and we all know eventually she will get to see all her yokai friends again cos the plots not gonna end before finishing all the games but still MEGA SUPER SAD MOMENT ANYWAY (also tearful reunions!)

* also i just heard theres a yokai called furgus thats a big adorable hairball that gives people big hair. So maybe that could be one of the comically easy victory episodes? He uses his power on mallory but her hair is already too fluffy to be floofed! Maybe it backfires and turns his own hair into a boring bowl cut, lol? And then maybe a sequel where he returns for revenge a million episodes later but it just so happens to be during the maddiman boss fight and he accidentally cures his balding. "Noooo dont thank me nooooo" *is forced against his will to become a popular advertosing mascot for hair cream* *like straight up just gets sucked into the nearest bottle and sealed like a genie* *cursed forever to fame and fortune and a million dollar salary*

* lol i dont think im as funny as the actual yokai watch writers but i have a few ideas at least. This will be fun to draw!

#bunni plays yokai watch

[blookmallow]

lookerdewitt replied to your post: midorilied replied to your post: ...

if im being honest i thought uzumaki was much better than gyo. uzumaki’s story is better and felt like a horror meanqhile gyo was just like. gross. like it wasnt scary it was just. gross. idk if that makes sense

i get you yea :’) from what ive seen gyo just looks Really Fuckin Weird but im on a mission to attempt to read every junji ito comic i can find so ill probably get to it eventually (i think that one also has an anime movie?? i want to read it first tho) 

uzumaki is rly good tho. i have no IDEA how u can manage to take a single concept like “spirals” and expand it out into an entire horror series without the idea getting old aND have it all work together as one continuous story that increases in tension through all that without it going flat or becoming too disconnected with all the different “episodes” 

i havent finished it yet but im reaching a definite “Building Up To The Ending” point i think

i mean junji ito comics always have. a huge amount of suspension of disbelief/frequently dont explain shit beyond ‘people turn into snails sometimes. its fine. dont worry about it. its fine’ but it works that way?? like. the unexplained What The Fuck is balanced with things that do get answered/you’re left with the good kind of ‘what the fuck did i just witness’ and not the frustrating ‘wait but you cant just do that and not explain it’ kind. its almost 3 AM i dont actually have any idea what im talking about but junji ito is a Really good horror creator and his ability to take one concept and work it into a whole collection of stories without running out of ideas/running the concept into the ground/etc and managing to keep being scary and keep throwing surprises at you even when you know the pattern (tomie’s always Too Beautiful, someone ends up dismembering her, some bit of her grows a new form / It’s Always Goddamn Spirals / souichi fucks everything up again / etc) continues to impress me and i really love it 

#lookerdewitt

[rookiewithachance]

tag gameeee

i was tagged by the ever so lovely @theyugiohtrashcan <3 A- age: 19! B- birthplace: fukin Florida C- current time: 11:55 D- drink you had last: water bb! I had to take my meds this morning lol E- easiest person to talk to: back atcha @theyugiohtrashcan​ F- favorite song: kdsjsalkdsga fuckin idk man. I love music. Probably something from Be More Chill or Hamilton right now. I’ll put it as a tie between Michael in the Bathroom, Two Player Game, One Last Time, and Wait For It bc i cant decide  G- grossest memory: yikes uh...... idk I tend to block out most of the gross things but I remember all too vividly when I got my wisdom teeth removed they gave me a pain medication that had sulfur in it, which I was allergic to but didn’t know?? So Kat was over keeping me company while I whined about my mouth hurting when I got really sick. Like, throwing up then sitting on the bathroom floor with a cool washcloth on your forehead waiting for the next wave to hit you level of sick. She was htg a real trooper and a sweet heart, and stayed with me until the worst of it passed, and I couldn’t sleep, eat, or take any pain medication for the next... idk like twelve hours or so??? while we waited for the stuff to get out of my system H- horror yes or horror no: No but lowkey a little yes. I’ve been watching less of it recently which helps my mental health but I still get that little thrill from horror even though it gives me nightmares and only feeds into my anxiety????? its a mess lol J- jealous of people: Ya dude. I’ve had a jealousy problem for years, that I think stems from my anxiety K- killed someone: it was the summer of 1963........................... L- love at first sight or should i walk by again?: Kat seems to have stolen my views on this: No, but I can be drawn to someone at first sight, usually because of what they’re doing or what they’re saying that I happen to overhear but I’m not really attracted to... looks?? If that makes sense?? I mean I have a “type” bc literally every girl i’ve dated has been kinda similar (primarily short and chubby.............. ehehe), but I won’t date someone or be attracted to them just because of that?? If that makes sense?? M- middle name: Ann. boring i know N- number of siblings: none bb oNLY CHILD SWAG O- one wish: uh?? i guess to not have to worry about money. while it would be nice to magically become neurotypical, i don’t feel like??? I would be the same person??? not that my mental illnesses are part of my personality, but they’ve taught me a lot and those lessons are a huge part of who i am today so.... yeah, probably the money thing. either always having enough money for what i need or just. living in a post-currency society. either is good P- person you called last: the last person who called me was my mother, but the last person I myself called.....? I think it was my manager Q- question you’re always asked: does Kelli is gay? or just stuff about my sexuality in general, especially being a gray ace lesbian. that confuses a lot of people in the south.......... part of the reason i’m going to college somewhere a little less southern tbh R- reason to smile: FUCKIN LIFE DUDE. LISTEN OK IM A PHILOSOPHY MAJOR AND I GET H*CKED UP ABOUT HTIS. LIFE IS A GODDAMN ANOMALY AND THERES NO REASON THAT ANY OF US SHOULD BE OR ARE HERE AND YET W E F U C K I N A R E. THATS SHITTIN AWESOME DUDE. IM HERE HAVIN A GOOD TIME WITH A GOOD FRIEND CHILLIN OUT AND WERE BOTH HERE AND ALIVE AND WE EXIST EXACTLY THE WAY WE ARE THAT HTATS HELLA GUYS S- song you sang last: ksjafldkjalksgje it was probably something Hamilton, Kat’s right. was it Take a Break??? probablu T- top 3 fictional characters: i cant choose........................ uhhh i guess Michael Mell from Be More Chill (Jeremy and Christine are close seconds, but i need my Nerdy Depressed Anxious Chubby Son) probably tops the charts right now, Humbee from MINIBOSS (an excellent comic on dA, i suggest it to everyone), aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand Nightcrawler/Kurt Wagner from X-Men! U- underwear color: //has to check// ok yeah i was right, they’re blue with bright yellow lacey trim V- vacation: uh..........................??? im not sure what this question means, but Kat answered it like her ideal vacation so... idk probably going to a big city like NYC or Seattle (which is on my bucket list to visit) with money to throw around and just. go see shows and explore. W- when’s your birthday: June 15! It just happened lol X- x-rays: uhhhhhhhhhhh. the last one I had was earlier this year when I was really really sick and I had to get checked for pneumonia??? i didnt have pneumonia but i had strep that i didn’t take care of properly which could have turned into pneumonia but turned into bronchitis instead Y- your favorite food: fuckin. idk man. i like food. Z- zodiac sign: im a mf gemini

and can i get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll tag @ifyoujustbelieveinme, @sorry--imfangirling, @sonofdysonsphere, @kaiju-genital-thunderstorm, @fangirltothefullest, @fanofallthingsadorkable, and @consistant-screaming-to-the-void! Plus anyone else who wants to do this, if you’re looking for a reason to do one of these, this is it!! IM TAGGING YOU BITCH, just put me as the person who tagged you bc i wanna see it :3

#tag game #personal #thanks bb #tag meme #and to the people i tagged u dont gotta do this if u dont wanna as always #i aint your mama i cant force u to do anything i just #want to be friends

[comicteaparty]

November 29th, 2018 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party chat that occurred on November 29th, 2018, from 5PM - 7PM PST.  The chat focused on Numb by Niina Eveliina Salmelin.

Featured Comment:

Chat:

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- THURSDAY BOOK CLUB START!

Good evening, everyone~! This week’s Thursday Book Club is officially beginning! Today we are discussing Numb by Niina Eveliina Salmelin~! (http://www.NiinaEveliina.com/numb/)

Remember that Thursday discussions are completely freeform! However, every 30 minutes I will drop in OPTIONAL discussion questions in case you’d like a bit of a prompt. If you miss out on one of these prompts, you can find them pinned for the chat’s duration. Additionally, remember that while constructive criticism is allowed, our focus is fun and respectfully appreciating the comic. All that said, let’s begin!

QUESTION 1. What is your favorite scene in the comic so far and why?

NiinaEveliina

Hi folks! I'm the author of Numb and actually managed to wake up and join in the chat. Looking forward for the discussion and trying to avoid spilling any spoilers (edited)

RebelVampire

glad to see you could make it~!

i think my favorite scene was perhaps the one in carl and the thief's...mind space for lack of a better phrase for it. i really enjoyed seeing the possession kind of presented as a physical dilemma of sorts and not something that just happened and carl was just gone. but i also liked the entire eeriness of it cause it really opened lots of question doors and set up that intense sense of yup, something definitely is wrong

mathtans

Hiyo, I'm here, though at a moment's notice I'll need to drop everything and help put the little one to bed. ^^ I also only managed to read to the end of Part 5 (so to the end of 2017).

Yeah, some good eerie scenes in general. Rebel, do you mean the bit where Carl was bricking up Carl behind the wall...?

Also, hello to author/artist.

RebelVampire

yes that scene

NiinaEveliina

Hello, glad you could make it!

Ohh the possession sequence was a real joy to do, with figuring out how to do the visuals for it.

mathtans

That was an interesting visual. As for me, three scenes kind of stand out, let's hope I remember these...

I liked the bit near the start when Carl was talking about Amy's imaginary friends. Partly because it made me think of my own daughter (still very wee, granted), and partly because something seemed to be happening in the background, some guy with a hood, and little things like that amuse me. Neat way to make possible exposition less boring.

Second scene that I thought was great, mostly for comedic value, was when Susan was leaving the hospital to have a smoke, and then her cigarette wasn't there - Levi had it. Because of Nikita. Nice sign of things being more than they seemed. Less violent than the vase too, subtle.

RebelVampire

in regards to the first scene i think the event that was going on in the bg was the woman getting possessed by the thief. or at least she looks very similar to the woman who later brings the thief to carl

mathtans

Rebel: Oh wow, good catch.

RebelVampire

i loved nikita's choice of trying to send susan a sign. cause that was hilarious and i wish wed seen what susan was thinking. did she think she was crazy? did she think levi was a weirdo? who knows

nikita is a great trickster though

i loved him freaking out those old ladies with their nasty gossip

NiinaEveliina

Yes, this is correct @RebelVampire. It's that kind of pretty vague hint that readers can spot on their second time. I love putting small things like that in stories

mathtans

I wonder if maybe Susan thought that she'd put the cigarette there, because who else could it have been, and then forgotten.

NiinaEveliina

That cigarette gave Susan hard time, for sure

mathtans

Oh YES, that scene with the ladies going off on that kid, and then just the image of them with their cups upended on them, that was great too.

I'd forgotten that one.

Here's the big one for me though. That scene with Susan at the bottom of the stairs, calling out to Carl. Where the blood underneath her kind of bled (literally?) into the shading of the stairs, and it was just red, and dialled the creepy factor up to 11 for me.

NiinaEveliina

I think it's safe for me to say my favourite part as well? Even though it's really hard to pick, it's gotta be the moment after Thief/Carls attack, where Levi and Nikita meet again. Nikita allows Levi to help him up. and there's a tiny bit of trust formed there, as they walk out the house together. (Also, a big part for me to love that moment was the fact that I was finally able to get Levi out of that hospital bed.)

mathtans

I'm not big on horror, but I'm not so bad with watching it, because usually I can mentally write off supernatural stuff as "not real". So I could appreciate the weird, eerie stuff up to that point, but it didn't make me flinch. But that bit with the stairs - and maybe it's because I kind of saw it coming during the confrontation - that was too real. Too much. Had to walk away from my binge for a few hours there. (I mean this in a good way.)

Niina: That was nice, yes. Levi was kind of at a crossroads there, and it's good that they were able to help each other out, even when Nikita brushed him off.

NiinaEveliina

Gossip grannies always manage to bring out a response out of people @mathtans This kind of stuff is really interesting to hear. I'm glad it was still a good kind of shock for you!

mathtans

Very effective use of colour, and maybe angles and such too.

NiinaEveliina

I'm big fan of horror, so I sometimes have to wonder when I do certain scenes: when it's too much. Hearing this kind of perspective is always good.

RebelVampire

yeah the color work whenever the basement became involved was really great. cause basements are creepy as is, so it was great to see them become as creepy as i expected. lthough i think what really dialed the creepiness up for me in that scene was susan calling out to carl that she thinks shes hurt. because at that point its such a no duh thing that susan's helplessnesss really sinks in. and nothing is more worrisome about the supernatural than the realization you cant do shit about it. Niina: I did enjoy that moment of bonding and understanding. Especially given that Nikita seems kind of stubborn and it was good to see him accept he needed help.

mathtans

One of those "okay, overloaded now" moments. Tough for me to say exactly why.

Rebel: Yeah, the calling out probably helped cement it too, now that you say that. In particular, that she thinks he might help. >.<

NiinaEveliina

I think what makes it horrific, is that Susan and Carl were so close, so there's no way she could have seen it coming. Just a 5 mins ago before thief arrived, Carl was just nagging and worrying about her.

mathtans

Since I don't read a lot of horror, I may not be your target audience either. It's tough for me to say what is or isn't too much there.

Funny thing too btw, I didn't really like Susan. Personal pet peeve about smoking, and she also seemed like something of a killjoy, or one who dishes things out but can't always take it when things turn back towards her novel.

But that death... damn, didn't deserve that. Felt bad.

RebelVampire

its okay math. im not the target audience either, though for the opposite reason. im so numb to it that things that should be scary im just like "seems like a normal tuesday to me." XD

mathtans

(Assuming it's a for sure death - I haven't gotten into the 2018 stuff yet. Maybe she's a ghost now.)

Oooh, title drop by Rebel.

RebelVampire

not even on purpose

missed opportunities

i will spoil it and say its a for sure death minus the ghost issue

which i wanna give props to that

so few stories actually kill someone off

to the point i lived in denial

and was like "nah susan is fine someone will get her help nobody ever dies"

NOPE

mathtans

There is that. Well, that's sad.

Should've died of cancer!

NiinaEveliina

I don't know (about the target audience thing), I find it really hard to put Numb in only horror category and see it more as a mixture of different genres. I'd like to think that all kind of readers will get something out of it. Of course, they have to be able to stomach those extreme scenes as well @mathtans hahaha!

mathtans

Yeah, it's not for sure horror. There's elements of fantasy too.

I'm bad for recognizing genres. Particularly with my own stuff.

RebelVampire

speaking of susan, though, i can see where shed be irritating. but man did carl's nagging about her book feel so relateable because writing is hard and somedays you just want to think nothing about book writing

QUESTION 2. Many of the supernatural events are driven by the appearance of the “thief.” Who or what do you think the thief is? Why is the thief continually transferring bodies? Additionally, what is the thief even running from so desperately? What does this have to do with all the voices, including Tim’s, that Carl hears when he becomes possessed? What do you think the thief’s end goal is? How do you think the thief was able to touch Nikita, and why did the thief seem so sure Nikita was going to hurt it? Also, how are Nikita and the thief connected, if at all? Lastly, do you think Carl will recover from the thief’s possession, or is he forever doomed?

chateaugrief

hello thursday book clubbers! Hi @NiinaEveliina I really enjoyed reading your comic! regarding 'extreme scenes' do you really think that the scenes from numb were extreme? what's everyones opinion on level of blood violence?

mathtans

Also, Levi's apartment and stuff for Susan issues. Though apparently she writes well, according to Nikita.

NiinaEveliina

@mathtans It's fun to see that perspective on Susan! To me her smoking was actually really important. In my childhood most of my family, friends and people around me were heavy smokers. Still they were the ones to tell me hardest "never you start ok" and I actually never have smoked a cig in my life, probably because of those smokey lungs were so much against it, ironically So there's something very nostalgic about her to me.

mathtans

I didn't have an issue with the blood. But it's not really a squick for me, and I wonder if watercolours mutes it a bit?

chateaugrief

I'd agree with mathtans that the abstraction of the art really created a bit of distance for me from the horror elements, muted it a bit perhaps?

mathtans

Niina: That's neat background info! Yeah, my family has some history of asthma and I have an allergy to smoke in particular. So I'm prejudiced against smokers. Nothing personal.

I'm not sure if it distanced me from the horror, just the violence.

NiinaEveliina

@chateaugrief I'd say the overall themes are pretty heavy and the obvious scenes like throwing Sue down the stairwell and Nikita getting knife'd. From the audience reactions, I'd say those would be the most 'gorey'. @mathtans yeah, all good :)

chateaugrief

good point, there was still major suspense

RebelVampire

id say the scenes in numb were still pretty extreme though, but thats in comparison to contemporary webcomics. and a good majority of "horror" webcomics are actually real mild in comparison. but thats just my opinion and based solely on my reading repitoire, and horror is hard to come by in webcomics in general unless you go looking for it.

mathtans

Regarding the latest question, not quite sure about thief's origins, assuming it's only one person - because I'm pretty sure Tim merged with the thief. Remember how Levi remembered that Tim had changed a bunch before he died? I think there's something to that.

RebelVampire

yeah, im 100% aboard the tim got possessed train

it is the most logical sense

NiinaEveliina

And I gotta say I'm happy that the visuals have been there to distance people from the violence. Because I never wanted Numb to be that kind of shock violence, in-your-face kind of mess. So it was my aim to find balance between the extreme nature of the violence but still keeping it, you know, tasteful.

chateaugrief

that's interesting, @RebelVampire because i've seen a lot of creators tag stuff with the tiniest bit of blood as mature, even in a non-violent context. I didn't think Numb was particularly gory, despite the scenes mentioned. The framing of the shots made them practically happen offscreen...which only heightened that suspense and atmosphere. Was very well done I thought

mathtans

Yeah, some of the framing was pretty well done. Like in the scenes where Carl has the knife.

chateaugrief

yes, those eyes staring out of the blacked out face!

mathtans

So Tim merged with the thief... is he a part of thief now then? Or did he kill himself to try and get away, and is now part of a band of ghosts trying to take thief down? I'm not clear whose side he's on.(edited)

NiinaEveliina

I better keep my mouth shut while the Thief talk, this is very interesting to follow

RebelVampire

nah i wouldnt say it was gory at all, but it was extreme in other ways which is why id still label it as extreme. becuase suspense can do a lot to make mild gore feel extreme. and more the issue with numb is it was realistic. because susan's death was something that could happen to anyone. so gory? definitely not. but extreme in the sense that it would unsettle ppl a lot and probably require a mature tag, yes probably. but again, specification this is compared to contemporary webcomics

if we start including other mediums its super duper mild

NiinaEveliina

@RebelVampire This is very true

mathtans

I mostly just read webcomics for this chat. I don't know what's mainstream.

chateaugrief

i'm such a newbie to webcomics that I probably take my expectations from other mediums. why I'm here, I want to learn.

RebelVampire

no time like the present to get started.

i feel like tim merged with the thief? like i kind of dont feel like you escape the thief once it possesses you

chateaugrief

so @NiinaEveliina how did you decide on the style of art that you chose?

RebelVampire

more likely i think levi mightve killed tim in self defense or something?

so tim is stuck forever

💩💩💩YY 💩💩💩

So I've only gotten to the point where Levi is in the hospital and he claims that there was someone there on the street. 9v9llll And I'm already quaking in mah boots. OH MAN... hides in non-existent sheets

mathtans

Maybe thief is a soul fleeing the grim reaper... except Nikita told Susan to move away from the voices after death, and she'd be fine. So maybe thief is the grim reaper, gone a bit off in the head?

RebelVampire

i kind of get the impression that the thief is an escapee, like the thief escaped a larger entity or escaped death itself. and now its on the run trying to avoid death

cause death sucks

who wants to be dead

nobody

thats who

💩💩💩YY 💩💩💩

This silly bean was not expecting this and now I'm not sure if I have the guts to continue. ; V ; slowly clicks next page

mathtans

Rebel: Oh, maybe. I hadn't considered that (the self defense). Fun fact, it occurred to me that Levi indirectly killed Susan. Because if he hadn't delayed her with his talk about Nikita, she would've left the house to look for Amy, rather than getting locked in by Carl.(edited)

chateaugrief

that was one of the funniest moments when Nikita says 'will you trust me if I tell you that dying is bad and you don't want to be dead'. (edited)

mathtans

Y'know who sucks? Thief. Death seems like the better alternative.

Cuz thief tries to be charming and stuff, then pushes your friends down a flight of stairs.

Going back to chateau's remark, yeah, watercolours is an interesting medium. I think we've only had one other webcomic here that uses them.

chateaugrief

i've seen a lot of webcomics that use digital media that's made to look like watercolor though. It's quite a beautiful look done well!

RebelVampire

man that moment with nikita telling susan about death really sticks to me now that i know susan be dead for real. cause the entire time i was like "this is strange advice for a character who isnt going to die."

and then the death was real

so now im like "great and depressing advice there nikita"

as another thief theory, i think the thief continually is transferring bodies to get rid of the voices of all the souls its kind of absorbed along its travels, but ironically the more it transfers the mroe souls it gathers

a tragic cycle

mathtans

That's a great theory. Snake eating it's own tail sort of thing.

chateaugrief

it did appear to absorb souls didn't it? I just realized that

incidentally, I found that listing the characters for every page was Super Useful for me as a new reader to keep everyone semi-straight in my head. Kudos

NiinaEveliina

@chateaugrief I decided the artstyle based on what I wanted to learn to do basically. I was terrible with watercolors/colors in general, and knew that if I used those in Numb, I'd HAD to learn them eventually Of course now they play such a big role in the comic, I cant even imagine numb without color anymore. Otherwise the cartoony/mangaish mishmash style was chosen because it allows me to really have fun with character expressions and go wild with them. I also take lot of inspiration from animation, and wanted to give a sense of movement to the characters with my best ability.

mathtans

Related to thief, I wonder what the deal is with the wheat field.

RebelVampire

the wheat field seems related to death in some way? cause it conveniently showed up when susan died

so maybe its the grim reaper?

chateaugrief

@NiinaEveliina thank you so much for choosing color. I have to thank every comic creator who goes the extra mile and uses color. It's hard, but it's so worth it! Really makes the story pop. How could those pages with the blood look half as good in black and white?

RebelVampire

or the bad grim reaper

chateaugrief

grain reaper

mathtans

You win the evening with that comment.

NiinaEveliina

hahaha

Superjustinbros

Hey there!

NiinaEveliina

@chateaugrief heck yea, color all the way!

Superjustinbros

Hope I'm not too late.

NiinaEveliina

Hi!

Superjustinbros

Hello!

chateaugrief

back on the character styles being a mix of manga and western, I thought that was a very interesting balance, I tend to prefer western style so that's what I saw...but now thinking about it I can see the influence of both. Interesting line to walk!

NiinaEveliina

tbh, all these thief, nikita's advice and the field theories are making my day

Superjustinbros

Manga/western mixes are perhaps one of my favorites so it's always good to see works that adapt to that style~

NiinaEveliina

@chateaugrief Theres a big blend probably because my childhood influences came from all directions, western, euro and japanese comic were all around from an really early age, so they have fused together in my style I think

chateaugrief

@NiinaEveliina any works that you consider to have particularly inspired you?

mathtans

Maybe when thief started out, they didn't possess people. Hence hanging around in forests as a disembodied voice. Maybe the people thing is more recent.

Maybe it's something Tim did.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 3. Nikita is perhaps the most mysterious individual in the story. How do you think Nikita became a ghost (or whatever you think he is)? How long do you think he’s been that way? What might it have to do with what he told Susan after he found her injured? Why do you think Nikita has been avoiding Levi since the incident at Carl’s house? Is it fear or is Nikita just still mad about Levi’s dealings with everyone? In the comic, we also see some of Nikita’s life. What do you think happened to Nikita’s dad and mom given the medicine both seem to require? Who is Misha, and why did it cause Nikita’s mom to have a temporary meltdown? What do you think happened with Nikita’s relationship with Julia, whether in the past or in the current timeline?

thats an interesting thought that tim did something

maybe tim was the first

started the whole chain

chateaugrief

sounds plausible. I'm not to the part where we see nikita's backstory yet...at least I don't think I was

mathtans

Tim performed a ritual. Bad Tim.

chateaugrief

I was curious as to why Nikita just 'dropped Levi as a friend' after being friendly to him. I didn't understand why he did it. It felt like Nikita overreacted to whatever it was Levi said, and i couldnt' see why.

NiinaEveliina

@chateaugrief Donald Duck stories from the great Carl Barks and Don Rosa, Bone from Jeff Smith, Battle Angel Alita, Rumiko Takashi's work and Sandman are the first few comics that pop to my mind. The list is endless There's also huge influence from films on numb. Old italian horror films such as Suspiria and the beyond are great examples, especially for the trippy visuals.

mathtans

Here's one thing I wondered about Nikita and his interactions. When he threw the vase, it was like there wasn't a vase in the room. When he spilled the chess pieces, the guy thought he hadn't brought them. Can Nikita actually destroy our reality? Or are our brains that desperate to think of explanations for the stuff he does?

Levi has issues. Don't want them to rub off. ^^

chateaugrief

@NiinaEveliina ah .... some one's I've seen and some I haven't. I'll be sure to check them out

RebelVampire

i think its the latter, that our brains reject the supernatural so hard core we invent whatever seems the most logical to compensate.

cause susan especially seems that type

NiinaEveliina

@chateaugrief I swear the list changes every time I'm asked, there's just so many :D

RebelVampire

who will pick any reason that does not include the supernatural

mathtans

OH. Just thought of something. Carl could see Nikita. Tim could see things too, and possibly Amy. Maybe thief can only possess people who can see things like Nikita. Might be why he never tried for Susan.

The only way to protect yourself is not to believe.

RebelVampire

i suppose thats possible, although we have an immensely small sample size

and couldnt carl only see nikita after he was possessed?

mathtans

Carl gave Nikita an apple in an early scene.

But yeah, not necessarily enough people to draw conclusions.

RebelVampire

i dont remember this. i remember carl giving an apple to the lady that was possessed by the thief

mathtans

Oh, was it the lady? Maybe I got crossed up. It was the first time we saw Nikita, outside the hospital?

RebelVampire

http://www.NiinaEveliina.com/numb/comic/chapter-1-25-2/

mathtans

Ah, you're right, wires got crossed. We saw that apple later, and it was kind of rotten, so that makes sense too.

RebelVampire

on a side note, i enjoyed thief!carl punching nikita. cause the look on nikita's face was priceless. not that i cheer for his pain, but man was that a great expression because he didnt expect it at all

mathtans

True that.

I wonder if being in the proximity of death made him visible and corporeal to everyone. That's why Susan could see him.

RebelVampire

i think more likely the thief was special and susan was the one whose dyingness made her able to see him

since the topic of nikita and levi's relationship was brought up, i feel like nikita is just slow to trust and i feel like hes been a ghost long enough that hes not as used to having to tell ppl where hes going and such

chateaugrief

speaking of punching Nikita...he was a ghost right? do ghosts bleed? perhaps the punch made him non spectral?

punched straight out of the afterlife.

RebelVampire

i feel like it did make him non spectral

although im really curious about whether or not he couldve actually died again

mathtans

Maybe Nikita's having issues as a ghost, because he can't take his meds any more. Gets harder and harder to talk to people.

I feel like it might've been worse than death. Even after the wounds "healed", Nikita said it still hurt.

chateaugrief

only thing creepier than a ghost is a ghost obsessively swallowing adhd meds

NiinaEveliina

punched straight out of the afterlife... just to get stabbed. No wonder he's salty(edited)

mathtans

"One Punch Carl".

chateaugrief

Carl was the boss. I liked his character. Susan was a bit hard on him, seemed to see criticism from him at every turn, but I felt like it was genuine concern coming from him.

I could be confusing Susan with the other girl....

RebelVampire

i see both sides of the carl susan relationship. cause im sure his concern was genuine, but at the same time i also understand how concern eventually becomes nagging

ya know who really got the short end of the stick in all this story though?

amy

amy basically has little to no agency

and all this bad shit keeps happening

and everyone is lying to her

mathtans

I do shake my head at the one Carl scene. Where his daughter, who's already established as someone who maybe skips classes, talks about going into the woods. And Carl's like, "yeah, don't do that, okay go out to the bus now". Like, maybe watch her board the bus? What did you have to do that was so important?

RebelVampire

about whats going on

chateaugrief

yes that was the other girl! couldn't remember her name she had so little agency

mathtans

Yeah, Amy's imaginary friends even gave themselves up for her.

chateaugrief

poor girl, she was trying

mathtans

I'm really bad with names, usually. Not sure why I haven't tripped up yet. Maybe it's the reasonably sized cast?

Or the tags.

chateaugrief

I really liked the tags

but I only discovered they were there at about chapter 3

it really cleared up the characters a bit for me, but i'm kinda fuzzy on some of them

RebelVampire

math you havent even gotten to the sadder part with the imaginary friends XD

that broke my heart a bit for them

cause tbf they probably arent imaginary

mathtans

Oh noes. O.o

I wondered about that.

RebelVampire

but that is debateable tbf

i dont think theyre imaginary though

mathtans

Okay, we haven't had enough crazy theories yet. So, Nikita's dad is really also Tim's dad. They're half brothers. Boom!

RebelVampire

cuse if they are amy is super creative and has way better designed imaginary friends then i ever did

chateaugrief

......O.O.......

mathtans

tbf I think Amy is super creative. She was trying to do drawings and stuff. (Though she may be creative but not have art skill.)

chateaugrief

and she was very young, she was definitely trying. She's not dead yet is she? plenty of room for character development

mathtans

Also, she's adopted. Boom! shrugs

RebelVampire

amy definitely isnt dead

yet

QUESTION 4. Levi has his own mysteries and problems going on, past and present. What do you think happened between him, Susan, and Tim given certain flashbacks we’ve seen? What do you think Levi and Tim saw that day in the woods, and why were only Levi and Tim able to see it? Why did Levi lie to dream Susan about not seeing Tim sometimes in his dreams? In other words, what is Levi emotionally avoiding? Do you think that Levi will be able to get over what happened at Carl’s house? Also, do you believe that he will be able to help Amy? What about Kiwi who seems to have known Nikita and who is now Amy’s roommate? Finally, do you believe Levi is safe from the thief, or are the two destined to encounter each other again?

chateaugrief

Nyarlathotep

is the dad

mathtans

Levi and Tim seemed to see an opening, if memory serves?

Also, Levi seems to have trust issues. Like, he doesn't seem to think anyone will believe him. Including himself, maybe.

RebelVampire

i think levi is more afraid of being alone and ostracized

that is the impression i get from him

which is why he does what he must to fit in with the club

mathtans

Actually, Tim was always Levi's imaginary friend. Levi believed so hard that Susan could see Tim too.

Yeah, he doesn't want to be alone, I can see that.

RebelVampire

im still gonna go with the levi hurt tim in self defense when tim went psycho possessed. and that in turn tore the group apart cause nobody wanted to talk about what happened.

that would be an amazing twist for tim

mathtans

What if Levi actually was the first one possessed by thief. And it ended up going to Tim. And that's why Levi has abandonment issues.

I can't tell if I'm doing crazy theories or normal ones.

RebelVampire

i think that one still qualifies as crazy but i mean its not implausible

chateaugrief

I really don't have enough info to make theories.... these sound good. I could go with any of these

mathtans

Do we know much about Carl's wife?

RebelVampire

no but i assume dead

because youre not to the part but they send amy to an orphanage

because they cant get in contact with any other relatives

mathtans

Gotcha. Wondered if Levi knew her in some way. Not sure if it's connected.

RebelVampire

idk

tbh ive really been trying to figure out how carl knows them and what the nature of their relationship is

cause carl has like 10 to 20 years on them

mathtans

Yeah. School related? Carl's job?

RebelVampire

and im not sure if this is like one of those small town where everyone just knows everyone

mathtans

Anyway, you'll have to theorize without me. Time to put little one to bed.

chateaugrief

i wondered about that, Carl looks about 50, so were the levi/susan crowd about in their 20's or perhaps late teens?

RebelVampire

ok. thanks for coming, math~!

levi is apparently late 20s and susan early 30s

by their cast pages

NiinaEveliina

@mathtans thanks for joining the chat and giving numb a change despite not being such a horror fan!

chateaugrief

I may have been thrown off by the lack of visible employment by the levi/susans, though maybe I just missed that. I've got to learn to slow down when i read webcomics. There's such a temptation to go so fast!

NiinaEveliina

The ages are pretty vague, because I don't want to forget and then conflict myself later, but it wouldn't be much of a spoiler to give a little background on Carl and Susan (I think it's on their cast info pages as well so it's not a spoiler even) but Carl was a family friend to Susans parents, who were working a lot and going abroad, so Carl looked after Susan a lot, and is basically her father figure. Carl knows Levi and Tim through Susan, since those three were childhood pals.

chateaugrief

that makes sense, it makes sense of the character dynamics too.

RebelVampire

ok that does add more context and makes more sense. and also explains why carl keeps nagging susan like a dad

or kept

cause susans dead

and carl is close to dead

now im sad

chateaugrief

pretty unlucky family, perhaps a familial curse?

RebelVampire

i just hope amy is not next on this path of death and destruction

chateaugrief

now that susan's dead I'm going to have to adjust my feelings on who is the protagonist of the story. I would have said her over Levi, but I guess it's all up to Levi now.

NiinaEveliina

Being amy is suffering

chateaugrief

Speaking of protagonists and plots and stuff @NiinaEveliina do you have a completed plot/script for this comic or are you more freeform making it up in episodes as they come?

RebelVampire

i always felt levi was the protagonist, though susan was a main character for sure. but susan seemed to have a smidgen less agency than levi in terms of who the protagonist is.

NiinaEveliina

@chateaugrief Everything is on my head, as I'm dreadful at actually writing things down, but the whole story has a script/plot that I follow. But I'm open with it in a way that I know what will happen, but HOW it will happen is free to change if the story seems to drift more to other way. As I have done this comic further, I learn to know the characters more, so some actions I planned for them may not make sense anymore, or just that they would go about it differently. Those kind of things may change.

I have vague idea how many pages the story will need, but as I do chapters, I don't have set page number for them. (that's something I will start using on my next project after numb, but with Numb I'm gonna roll with the flow)

chateaugrief

I always wonder about the page numbering thing because of the strict expectations with print form comics on page counts and things, at least in American comics. It always sounded very hard to structure your story around pages that way

NiinaEveliina

Yeah, but I can see the perks in that too. Helps you to trim down the story and keep on track with things.

chateaugrief

that's something I really should ask, you use some very complicated page layouts, and I think they flow quite well. How do you plan your pages, do you begin with the panel structure and fit your story to the panels or what?

choosing panel structures has always been mysterious to me

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- THURSDAY BOOK CLUB END!

Sadly, this wraps up this week’s Thursday Book Club chat for now. Thank you so much to everyone for reading and joining us! We want to give a special thank you to Niina Eveliina Salmelin, as well, for making Numb. If you liked the comic, make sure to support Niina Eveliina Salmelin’s efforts however you’re able to~!

Read and Comment: http://www.NiinaEveliina.com/numb/

Niina’s Ko-Fi: https://ko-fi.com/A3202ONF

Niina’s Redbubble: https://www.redbubble.com/people/Speardog?asc=u

Niina’s Twitter: https://twitter.com/NSalmelin

Comic Tea Party- Thursday Book Club

Next week’s Thursday Book Club will be about Pin Porter Girl Detective by Robin Gee and Ethan Bartlett. For participants, you have the next week to read as much of the comic as you would like~! We hope to see you on Thursday, December 6th, from 5PM to 7PM PST for the chat in #thursday_bookclub!

Comic’s Main Site: http://pinporterdetective.com/

#ctparchive #comics #webcomics #indie comics #comic chat #comic discussion #book club #bookclub #webcomic book club #webcomic bookclub #comic tea party #ctp #numb #niina eveliina salmelin

[thesoundofsimple]

TV Shows

So i got rid of my cable subscription and just have internet. Which means i have netflix. mostly. sometimes i watch these shows on the way to work on the train and stick the company with the bandwith. anyway, ive binge watched a few TV shows. Let me see if i can remember them:

Black Mirror: I watched a whole 2 episodes. the pig episode was enough to keep me from coming back. it was just too dark for me. maybe ill try it again.

Ray Donovan: been a few years since ive seen it, only watched the first two seasons, ill watch it again sometime but dont have Showtime. it also was dark and stresful and you sometimes dont know who to root for really but i liked the boston connection and the acting is really good.

Sherlock Holmes: that hobbit and the bumberbun guy are in it. watched  2 episodes, it seemed good but is very long. like each episode is a movie but is good. ill prob come back to this. feels like im supposed to watch this and dr. who and that crap

Gotham: havent watched since 2014 prob but watched the first season only. i like origin stories. i like batman. ill go back someday

Narcos: good lord this was a good show. loved the tone, the mood, everything. i def think its a “boy” show but its amazing because it was a true story. whats odd is i had no problem watching a show about Pablo Escobar but i would never, NEVER condone a movie made about whitey bulger and struggle with movies about real mob guys like gotti. i cant really explain that

El Chapo - Again more drug guys. only a few episodes in. not nearly as good as narcos but decent. again, true story so its more compelling to me

Breaking Bad: As good as I was told over and over and over. What else can you say about this. ive always wondered how i would do as a criminal. im not a dummy but would marginal intelligence translate into me being a successful criminal? I sometimes wish i could find out somehow. anyway, amazing characters, great music, los pollos hermanos, pizza on the roof, etc etc etc. too much walter white in his underwear however.  

I saw the dave chappelle specials (great) and the louis Ck specials (yikes)

Also siendfeld special. that MF’er sorta got off the hook for dating that kid 20 years ago huh?

Ozark: god damn this was stresful but i liked it. jason batement was good again, normal guy turned to life of crime

Walking Dead: never watched this, my friend mike got me to watch it. I sorta wish i never started. its horror, where people just do appaling things to each other. i dont know if thats really entertaining. look if the world was going to end im sure it would go something like this. total lord of the rings shit but its just brutal and overly stresful and i think i mostly hate all the characters. im also just not a horror guy. like gore just for the sake of gore. scary? sure im good with scary, but just somebody getting their head beaten in with a bat, graphically, why? in these  days of trying to be kinder and all that, i dont really understand the appeal of watching humans treat each other with such brutality and bloodlust. 

Better Call Saul: this show is so fantastic. helps to have seen breaking bad probably but this show is honestly as good. dark as usual but with a lot more light hearted momentrs that keep me attached. love this one .

Game of thrones: still watching this despite some of the problems that plague walking dead, but more boobs here, and well, who doenst like boobs?

Mad Men: went back and watched all these. its a great show. don worries me that im going to end up like him. i dont want to be don. i have donlike tendencies. id like to avoid that. 

Arrested Develkopment: people rave and rave about this. i thought it was pretty good. not the best. but pretty good, kept my interest and there were some really funny parts, I give it a B

A series of unfortunate events: watched with my kids. they loved it so i did too. weird and sorta creepy. kids need more weird and creepy in this saccharine world if you ask me, this helps 

Making a murderer: everybody was watching this so i did too. people are horrible horrible creatures and this is a scary world to be living much less raising kids

House of Cards: the show, not the song - watched one episode, then spacey turned out to be a real creep. i prob wont watch it anymore

Westworld: so this is pretty good. its shot so well and the music is absolutly fantastic. got through season 1. ill prob come back for second

Supergirl: my girls love this and so i love watching it with them. jimmy olsen was a little too suave at first but he grew on me. i hate i mean HATE alove triangle subplot but it worked itself out. anyway, i like that they like this genre basically. my little one likes to go to comic stores and stuff. its cute

Curb: i love larry david. i mean i really love that guy. sometimes i think im him. i always think his right.

Stranger Things: fav show since x files. it just captures the mood in my memory of exactly what its like to be htat exact age and that exact time. these kids were my age when this takes place. its great - plus one of the kids sorta has the same name as me. let my older kid watch it this fall, thought she would be a huge frady cat, she watched the whole thing in 2 days. i havent seen season 2 yet. 

I’m a little disgusted with how much TV this is. whoa. 

[viralhottopics]

Geena Davis: Thelma & Louise changed everything for me

It was the moment she realised how few inspiring women there are on screen. Now the actor is on a mission to fix that

Somewhere in a parallel universe, Geena Davis is having the time of her life. Yes! Enjoying this new era in American history! As one of the few women to have played a US president on screen, in her parallel universe Davis is having a lovely conversation with me about how fabulous it feels to see a woman finally make it to the White House.

This isnt the first time the actor has found her presidential fantasies preferable to reality. Eleven years ago, she was President Mackenzie Allen on the TV show Commander In Chief. It had been the number one new show, and it was going to run for eight years. I was going to do two terms, Davis grins ruefully. She won a Golden Globe for the role. Then internal studio politics intervened and the show was cancelled after a single season. For a long time after, I felt like, in an alternate universe, I was still on that show. In my mind, she says, laughing, I wanted to set up the Oval Office in my garage and pretend I was still the president.

Davis hoots at her own absurdity, but for the record she did receive a fairly presidential greeting on arrival at the restaurant where we meet. The Polo Lounge at the Beverly Hills hotel is a fantastically kitsch extravaganza of salmon-pink table linen and bad taste, but a Hollywood institution nonetheless. While I waited, the lunch tables filled with industry types, and my requests for a quieter corner were defeated by the expert indifference of waiters who understand the rules of Hollywood hierarchy better than I do. But the instant Davis arrived, the matre d descended into an obsequious froth Miss Davis! Welcome back! and whisked us off to a coveted booth.

So good to see you again! he purrs, before blanching in horror. Davis has a white napkin on her lap, but her trousers are black. Quelle horreur! The offending item is whipped away and replaced with a black one, while Davis tries not to giggle.

With Susan Sarandon in 1991s Thelma & Louise. Photograph: Allstar

Davis has no publicist in tow, and nothing about her outfit would suggest celebrity: she is wearing a loose white T-shirt and the sort of plain and comfortable black jacket and trousers one might put on for Sunday lunch in a nice pub. Were she not so tall (6ft), I might easily have missed her when she arrived, full of apologies for being all of 10 minutes late. I take the matre ds instantaneous excitement to mean she must be a regular, but as soon as hes gone, she whispers, No! I cant even remember the last time I was here. Its this very weird phenomenon. If I go to hotels, they always say, Welcome back, even when Ive never been there before. That must be rather disorienting. Yes, weird! She nods cheerfully. You have all these people saying nice things to you, and it can really be like, Wow, Im very fortunate, arent I? Im very, very grateful for it, you know?

When lunch arrives, she gets the giggles again: her salad is a strangely regimented platter that looks like someones idea of gastro-sophistication circa 1974. Its so kitschy! I was going to show your tape recorder my salad, but that wont work, will it? When her phone rings, the mother of three murmurs the universal prayer of working parents everywhere: Please dont be the nanny, please dont be the nanny, please dont be the nanny. It feels like lunching with a gloriously irreverent and relaxed old friend.

Davis has been a Hollywood star for 35 years, but at 61 her status now is a curious hybrid of insider and outsider, a bit like cinemas Ofsted inspector. When starting out, shed have been astonished to know shed devote the later years of her career to exposing her industrys flaws. Back then, she admits, she couldnt see anything to worry about.

With William Hurt in 1988s The Accidental Tourist, for which Davis won an Oscar. Photograph: Ronald Grant

When I was first starting out was also when I first started really paying attention to the Oscars and stuff like that. And I remember thinking, wow, everything is great for women in Hollywood, because Meryl Streep, Glenn Close, Jessica Lange, Sally Field: theyre all doing incredible work. Every year, fantastic movies were coming out: The French Lieutenants Woman, The Postman Always Rings Twice, Sophies Choice. I think I did hear that, for women, when you get older it can be a problem, but these actors were already in their 30s, which seemed ancient to me then. So I thought, whats the problem? I started getting really cool parts left and right and centre, and I was like, well, even if it turns out theres a problem, its not going to impact on me.

After making her debut in 1982s classic comedy Tootsie, Davis averaged a movie a year, and could easily have made more had she not been fussy. She did sci-fi horror in The Fly, comic fantasy in Beetlejuice and literary drama in The Accidental Tourist, for which she won a best supporting actress Oscar. She played a baseball star in the sports comedy A League Of Their Own, a bank robber in the crime drama Quick Change and, most memorably, a housewife turned outlaw in the feminist road trip Thelma & Louise. Then she turned 40 and in the entire decade that followed, we saw her face only in Stuart Little.

By the time she turned 50, she was fed up. The neglect of women in film and TV was definitely happening she knew that but to prove it the Mensa member realised she would have to measure it: Because people just make assumptions, dont they? Even when the reality might be completely different. I remember talking to a woman editor of a magazine about all this a while ago, and she said, Oh no, no, no, thats just not a problem any more. I told her it still was. She said, and Davis begins to laugh again, But it cant be. Look at Meryl Streep, she works all the time! I was like, Er, Meryls schedule is the exception.

So, 10 years ago, the actor founded the Geena Davis Institute On Gender In Media. I am completely obsessed with numbers and data. I have become a scientist in later life. The institute conducts exhaustive research to establish the facts of gender representation in family entertainment, and they are grimly arresting.

Male characters outnumber female in family films by a ratio of three to one, a figure that has remained startlingly consistent since 1946. From 2007 to 2014, women made up less than a third of speaking or named characters in the 100 top-grossing films distributed in the US, of which less than 7% were directed by women. Of the female characters that did make it on to screen, fewer than one in five were aged 40-64. Last autumn, the institute partnered with Google to launch the Geena Davis Inclusion Quotient (the GD-IQ), a software program that measures the amount of screen and speaking time given to male and female characters. The results were even more confronting: in the top 200 grossing films of 2014 and 2015, males, Davis discovered, enjoyed literally twice the screen time of females, and spoke twice as often.

Its easy to see why this would matter to Davis, or any other female actor, but why should the rest of us care? This gender bias is so ingrained in us, and stuffed into our DNA from when were little, from our first exposure to popular culture. If kids movies and TV shows have profoundly fewer female characters than male characters, and theres nobody saying, By the way, honey, this isnt real. Thats not how the real world is. From 2006 to 2009, not one female character was depicted in a G-rated family film working in the field of medical science, as a business leader, in law or in politics. Our motto is: if they can see it, they can be it. Completely unconsciously, boys and girls are getting the message that girls are less important and less valuable to our society, because theyre not there. And if they are there, theyre not talking.

Playing the first female president in the TV series Commander In Chief. Photograph: ABC

Another way of looking at it, I suggest, would be that what we see on screen is, in fact, uncannily accurate. In a typical crowd scene, female extras account for just 17% of the faces we see a figure close to this crops up across all sorts of sectors in real life in America. Fortune 500 boards are around 20% female, as is Congress. Fewer then 20% of US legal partners, the military and cardiac surgeons are female.

Yes, Davis agrees, but I think the impact of media images is so profound that we actually could make life imitate art. You know, you see a dog or something and you say, Oh, hes cute? The default is always male, and its because weve had such a male-centred culture. And its because its what we see and hear from the very beginning.

I remember I was once with my boys [she has 12-year-old twins, and a 14-year-old daughter] in a park and they saw a squirrel. I consciously decided to say, Look, shes so cute and they both turned to me with surprised expressions and said, How do you know its a girl? I was like, wow, Ive already failed. They were four years old.

Davis takes all the data to Hollywoods decision-makers and creators: heads of studios, production companies, guilds. Does she come in for a bit of oh-no-here-comes-the-feminist eye-rolling? Oh no. No! If I was going in just saying, Youre making fewer movies starring a female character than male characters, theyd say, Yes, we know that. Were fully aware of that. We hope we can do better. We wish we could do better. And they would probably turn to this myth in Hollywood that women will watch men, but men dont want to watch women, so were forced to make all the stories about men.

Instead, Davis shows them the GD-IQs findings on profitability. Films featuring female leads make on average 15% more than those with male leads, while films featuring male and female co-leads earn almost 24% more than those with either a solo male or female lead. Their jaws are on the ground. She grins. Everywhere we go, its the exact same reaction. They are floored.

***

Had anyone told Davis in her youth that she would one day be an activist and advocate, she would have been equally floored. She grew up in a small town in Massachusetts, a bookish child and church organist, and was constantly shy. Just totally shy, especially about men. I had one date in high school, that was it, and he didnt ask me out again, she laughs, because I was taller than everybody. I was very gangly and awkward, and I wore weird clothes that I made. I think my fondest wish as a kid was to take up less space.

My fondest wish as a kid was to take up less space. Photograph: Amanda Friedman for the Guardian

Most peoples childhood self-image can seem surprising by the time theyre in their 60s, but in Daviss case the discrepancy feels comical. She is 6ft and appropriately proportioned, so occupies as much space as you would expect someone with the dimensions of an imposing man to fill. Her voice is gutsy, soaring from throaty depths to gales of laughter, and her beauty is unlike anything Ive observed in an actor. Beautiful women who have lived their life in the public gaze tend to convey an awareness of others admiration that can sometimes seem self-conscious, and sometimes almost pointedly detached. Davis, on the other hand, reminds me more of my cat, a ludicrously gorgeous creature who seems to take as much pleasure from its beauty as any admirer ever could. If I picture Davis looking at herself in the mirror, she isnt frowning anxiously but smiling back at her famous dimples.

And yet she goes on, I think I really wanted to take up less space. It seemed like every time I was exuberant or free, I would get pointed at. Things that really stand out from my childhood were incidents where people told me to tone it down. Like my beloved aunt Gloria, who was a role model and just everything to me, and who adored me, and would say things like, Youre really going to have to learn to laugh more quietly, because boys arent going to like a loud lady.

She knew from the age of three that she wanted to act, and studied drama at Boston University. But the most important thing was that people like me and think Im no trouble. It was as if I lived in some bubble of extreme femininity where you must never say your feelings. I had people who wouldnt date me because I couldnt even decide what restaurant I wanted to go to, literally. I never said my opinion about anything. I was afraid to.

Everything changed in 1990 when she made Thelma & Louise. Davis played Thelma, an unhappy wife who takes off with her friend Louise, played by Susan Sarandon, for a two-day road trip in an old Thunderbird convertible. When a man they meet in a bar tries to rape Thelma, Louise shoots him dead. Convinced the police will never believe their account of events, because Thelma had been drinking and seen dancing with the man before he attacked her, the pair take off. Liberated from the constraints of social convention and the law, they embark on a raucously anarchic adventure from which they will never return.

With then husband Jeff Goldblum in 1989. Photograph: Getty

Davis had her agent call Ridley Scott, the films director, every single week for a year in a concerted campaign to land the part. So it was really, really a passion project for me. And I was aware of womens position in Hollywood by then. But then, when the movie came out and I saw the reaction women had, it was night and day: completely different from anything that had ever happened before, you know? Women wanted to really talk about how it impacted on them. Theyd tell me, This is what I thought, this is who I saw it with, this is how many times Ive seen it, this is how it really changed my marriage. Sometimes Id even hear, My friend and I took a road trip and acted out your trip. Her eyes widen as she laughs. Im like, I hope the good parts? But that really struck me, and it made me realise how few opportunities there are to feel inspired by the female characters we watch. That changed everything for me.

Working with Sarandon changed everything, too. Every day on set, I was just learning how to be more myself, you know? Just because she was such a role model to me. Davis would arrive each morning with her notes tentatively framed in the apologetic, would-you-mind-awfully register of regulation feminine decorum. Sarandon would bustle in, open her mouth and speak her mind. Davis still beams at the memory, and credits it with revolutionising the way she operated.

Her institute is now in its 10th year, but has yet to generate any measurable change in onscreen representation. I feel very confident thats going to happen in the next five to 10 years, though. I know it will. Theres one childrens network that tells us, every time someone pitches a new idea, someone asks, What would Geena say? She roars with laughter. Which is exactly what I want! The parallel between her work and recent increasingly successful campaigns for greater ethnic onscreen diversity in Hollywood speak for themselves, she says. Its exactly the same problem, with exactly the same solution. When a sector of society is left out of the popular culture, its cultural annihilation.

Davis does still act; in recent years, she starred in the TV shows Greys Anatomy and The Exorcist, and appears in the forthcoming sci-fi thriller Marjorie Prime. Shes also in Dont Talk To Irene, an indie film about an overweight cheerleader, which premiered recently in Canada. But its very clear that acting is no longer her driving ambition. She gets much more excited talking about the film festival she co-founded in 2015, the only one in the world to offer its winners the prize of guaranteed distribution, both theatrical and through DVD. The Bentonville festival explicitly exists to champion and promote female and other minority film-makers, and last year became the eighth biggest film festival in the world; this year, it will open in early May in Arkansas and more than 100,000 people are expected to attend.

With husband, Reza Jarrahy, in 2013. Photograph: Getty

The most conventionally starlet thing about Davis these days is probably her marital history: she is now on her fourth marriage. The first, in 1982, lasted less than a year; her second, to the actor and her sometime co-star Jeff Goldblum in 1987, lasted only slightly longer, and was over by 1990. In 1993, she wed the director Renny Harlin, but divorced again in 1998. She has been married to her fourth husband, Reza Jarrahy, the father of her three children, and an Iranian-American plastic surgeon, for 16 years now. Giving birth for the first time at 46, followed by twins at 48, is not an entirely advisable maternal strategy, she laughs. I dont know how I assumed I could wait that long, and I wouldnt recommend it. Id always known I wanted to have kids, but somehow, before then, there wasnt any time I was planning it.

When we part, she gives me a great bear hug and her phone number, and it strikes me that she must be one of the happiest movie stars I can remember meeting. The parallel universe she inhabits appears to have much to recommend it. I had assumed she would put Hillary Clintons defeat down to her motto If she can see it, she can be it so ask if she thinks America would have voted a different way last September had the notion of a woman in charge of the country looked more familiar.

You know, she surprises me, I dont know. I like to just think that she won the popular vote by an enormous amount. She was not this horrifically flawed candidate everyone wants to paint. I mean, OK, she didnt win the electoral college vote. But, in another way, she did win. In Daviss parallel universe, the popular vote determined who would move into the White House, and all is well with the world.

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