#i might be able to filter myself more if i tried but then id get bored enough to die

[lovemesomesurveys]

Do you have a taste in your mouth right now? What of? Yeah, the Pepsi cream soda I just took a drink of. Which is your least favourite day of the week? They’re all basically the same for me. If told to clean the house, would you be more inclined to clean one room really well or clean all of the rooms with hardly any effort? Uhh, I would just focus on what needed to be cleaned overall. Do you put glue on the object you're sticking down or on the paper? I put it on the object I’m gluing. What was your last dream about? I don’t recall.

What is your favourite part of the last movie you watched? In Get Out when it’s revealed Rose and her family are crazy. Specifically, the part where Chris is telling Rose to give him the keys to the car and she’s pretending to frantically look for them in their luggage but of course iisn’t able to find them and then suddenly she switches and becomes super serious and is like, “You know I can’t give you keys, right?” and that’s when you know she’s in on it.  Have you stuck any stickers to the computer you're using? Yeah. Well, on the case that’s on it. What interests you the most about other people? A lot of things, hence my interest in psychology. Do you ever take random pictures out of boredom? What of? I might mess around with the filters on Snapchat or take photos of my doggo just existing and being adorable. Do you prefer listening to things through headphones or speakers? Speakers for the most part, but it depends. How many siblings do you have? Do you get on with them? I have two brothers and yes. Would you rather live in a log cabin or a brick house? Brick house. Do you have a calender up for this year? Nope. What was the very first CD you bought? The first one I remember buying myself is Ashlee Simpson’s CD, “Autobiography.” Do you keep things like old train tickets, etc? Yeah. Do you like your smile? Why (not)? No, it’s one of the things I’m self-conscious about. Would you rather be able to sing or dance? Why? Sing. I like to sing, I just unfortunately don’t sing well. What was your favourite colour when you were a kid? Do you still like it? Red. I like it, but it’s not in my top favorites. Have you ever said 'lol' in real life? Jokingly, yeah.  Do you like your friend's parents? -- How many times have you moved? A few, but only once that I’m old enough to remember. Have you ever refused to try a certain food? Which? Seafood. I’ve tried a couple things and wasn’t a fan and have no desire to try more. What's your favourite type of soup? I’m a ramen gal.  What is your favourite candle scent? The autumnal scents from Bath & Body Works. Does the sight of blood make you feel ill? Yes. What do you call it when you're sick anyways? (Sick, ill, not well, etc) I say I’m sick or that I don’t feel well. Did you ever really believe in the tooth fairy? Yeah. If you had to appear in a movie, which genre would you choose? A psychological thriller. Are there any clothes you haven't worn in ages, that you've suddenly started wearing again? No. Do any keys on your keyboard stick? Nope. Would you rather own a laptop or a computer? A laptop, which is what I have. Do you think you'll look at old photos of yourself and be embarrassed? Yeah, there’s definitely photos I look back on and feel that way about. What was the worst hairstyle you ever had? When I used to hairspray my bangs in middle school. Yikesss. Do you like t-shirts with sayings on them? Why (not)? Sure. Do you click on the adverts at the side of the screen? No. Have you ever coughed and sneezed at the same time? Yes. Are you embarrassed to show people your ID photo? I don’t like it, but it’s whatever. Have / would you ever become a cheerleader? No. What's the longest you've gone without eating? A full day. Not counting the times after surgeries where I went a few days. What is one of your biggest irrational fears? Losing my loved ones. Out of the bands you listen to, were most of them around before or after you were born? After. Most not long after. When did you last jump out of fright? I saw a bug yesterday. Are you currently waiting on something? What? No. Does time pass slowly or quickly when you're on the internet? Eh, it depends. What about when you're at school / work? -- Does the thought of being pregnant gross you out? No.  What was the last thing you made with your hands? My ramen? Are you good at making shadow puppets? I can make a dog and a bunny, ha. Are you more hungry or thirsty right now? I’m a little thirsty. Are you prone to headaches? Not anymore. I used to get bad tension headaches in high school and my early 20s quite often. I don’t get them often now, but when I do they’re not pleasant. Do you forget things easily? No. Do you enjoy going out to dinner? I like getting takeout. Would you ever go on a cruise ship holiday? It sounds fun, but also being out on a boat in the middle of the ocean sounds terrifying because of my fear of deep water and the fact I can’t swim. I also get motion sickness. Sooo, I’m not sure how enjoyable a cruise would be for me. What's your favourite sea animal? Otters and sea lions. Do you get coughs or colds more? I rarely get either one, honestly. I feel sick often in other ways, but as far as viruses go like that I don’t get them very often. 

#personal #text #survey #surveys

[alpha-bnha-boys]

I feel like it would be cute to request a scenario for shinsou as a kid or 🍼 thank you so much!!!

A wonderful request my dear!! ヾ(*´∀｀*)ﾉ

AND BEFORE ANY OF YOU START WITH THAT:

“oH, sMuTsY jUsT dId A sHiNsOu rEqUeSt-”    ヘ（。□°）ヘ

Yes, Yes I did. Don’t act like I didn’t give y’all full disclosure of my incurable and damn near crippling Shinsou-bias. ALSO I’m trying to post something here on Tumblr everyday, and this is the one I finished first because it was so hella cute and fun and I couldn’t help myself! 

I’M SORRY I’M SUCH A HOE FOR THE EGGPLANT 

・゜・(ノ��`)

 Am simple smutsy. I see Shinsou, I write...  (´;ω;｀) 

Honestly though, I’m sorry you guys... I’m gonna do more than just Shinsou, I promise. 

I hope none of you are too upset with me, and that you will still be able to enjoy this little fluff piece! (*´･∀･)

But I meant what I said @negansnumberonewifie​ - this is a wonderful request, thank you so much! I loved writing it, and I hope you enjoy it too! 

                                             • Shinsou : 🍼 •

* No warnings! Pretty sure this one is like 99% SFW! 

Except for language, but that’s a given...

However I did hold back this time. Note the lack of f-bombs.

I surprise even myself, sometimes. 

Nearly all the heroes had been called to the inner district of the city; as a hoard of villains were wreaking havoc on the general public. You and Shinsou had been partnered up, and you used both of your quirks to take down as many villains as you could. By the time the battle was over, the heroes had triumphed and the villains were detained and escorted away from the scene.

Medical units were being called in by the dozen. One of the villains had a peculiar quirk that had left several civilians reverted to their child-like selves. Only a few had been affected, but the emergency response teams were doing their best to corral them up and comfort their panicked cries.

                                                 - - - - - - - - -

After a moment or so, you scanned the area, your face dawning with panic.

“W-Where’s Shinsou?!”

The other heroes heard your distress, their gazes shooting over to you.

Suddenly, you felt a small tug on your shirt.

Looking down, you saw a child, what appeared to be a five year old boy.

He had wild indigo hair, and clothes that were entirely too big for him, baggy on his small little frame…

‘Oh… Oh shit.’

“Sh-Shinsou?? Is that-??”

The little boy nodded, toddling closer to you as the other heroes dashed over with an emergency response team in tow.

You felt Shinsou nuzzle up against you, clinging to your leg shyly.

Your mind was dumbfounded.

‘Oh my God… he’s so cute…’

The medical units tried to coax him away from you, but he wouldn’t budge; silently shaking his head at every attempt to coerce him into their arms.

You knelt down to Shinsou’s eye-level, and he was quick to rush into your arms, wrapping his own around your neck and hiding his face in your shoulder.

“Shinsou, s-sweetheart, these people are trying to help you. They just want to take care of you until you go back to normal.”

“Nuh-uh.” He shook his head again, burying himself further into your neck, his little legs scrambling to wrap themselves around your waist.

“I wanna stay with Y/N.”

Kaminari was there, and he knelt down beside you, chiming in with a big smile on his face;

“Hey buddy! Don’t you wanna come hang out with your best pal Denki?”

Shinsou shook his head again.

“I wanna be with Y/N. I like Y/N.”

Denki smiled, scratching the back of his head.

“Aw don’t you like me too, buddy?”

Shinsou peeked out from your neck, looking Kaminari in the eyes with a pout.

“It’s diffwent.”

A blush creeped up your face, but you smiled softly, scooping the child up in your arms.

You patted the back of his head, pressing a sweet kiss to his cheek.

“I’ll look after him until the affects wear off, is that alright?”

The first responder scrambled for words, a little surprised you’d be willing to do such a thing,

“W-w-well sure! T-that’s fine, if you want to! The effects appear to only last 12 hours, so he’ll be back to normal by tomorrow morning!”

It was only a little past 1PM, so you decided to enjoy every minute you had with the Little Shinsou, utterly enchanted with his adorable disposition.

However, his lack of filter was an added bonus you had not anticipated.

After trading in his massive adult shoes for some kids’ shoes at a nearby store, you took him to the dessert parlor you were both regulars at.

Shinsou looked at the menu and shook his head.

“What’s wrong? You normally come here all the time, Shinsou.”

Shinsou crossed his arms, “Everything hewre is too sweet, I onwy come here because you’re always hewre getting tea.”

You made a mental note to start visiting another snack/beverage location, one that Shinsou might like too; as the child’s confession had made your heart flutter.

After grabbing pretzels from a nearby stand, you saw a sign for a petting zoo that was currently operating in the park, and asked Shinsou if he’d like to go.

Shinsou nodded his head vigorously, pretzel crumbs all along his mouth.

“Yes pwease! I wanna go to the petting zoo, pwease!”

As you made your way to the park, he wrapped his hand around your fingers, dragging you along behind him.

“Come on Y/N! Wet’s go!”

You giggled, reveling in his excitement as you approached the animal pens and bought a baggy of food for each.

Shinsou’s face grew worried for a moment, and he fiddled with his baggy clothes, reaching for something in his back pocket.

He pulled out his wallet, the leather bound pocketbook looking so large in his tiny hands.

“Hewre! I don’t want you to have to pay fowr it!”

You laughed, “Shinsou, I don’t mind! It’s my treat!”

Shinsou shook his head defiantly, a stern pout on his face.

“No Y/N, a gentwlmen is suppowsed to pay fowr his date.”

You blushed, bending down to give the child a kiss on the forehead.

“How about I take out the $6 for our tickets, okay?”

Before he could protest, the petting zoo worker opened the gate for the bunny pen, and Shinsou went rushing inside along with a few other children.

You opened his wallet, deciding to humor him and take out the $6 you had agreed upon.

Aside from usual wallet items; IDs, receipts, credit/debit cards and etc., the wallet was quite obviously Shinsou’s.

It had PetSmart member’s card, a punch-card from a coffee shop (2 punches away from a free coffee, by the way), a library card, a member’s card for a bicycle shop.

You couldn’t help but smile at it all.

You saw a photo poking out of a pouch in his wallet, the corner pointedly worn from use; curiosity getting the best of you, you pulled it out.

It was a 4 paneled photo the two of you. Its edges more worn than the pouch that held it.

You and the class went to the fair in your last year at UA, and you had all decided to go to a photo booth.

Once all the photos were done, everyone started leaving, but Shinsou said he accidentally put an extra token in the machine.

You happily offered to take some photos with him.

And he had… kept it… after all this time.

4 panels of the two of you; one of you giving each other rabbit ears, one of you making funny faces, another of you sticking your tongues out, and the last one- you surprising Shinsou with a kiss on the cheek, his face blooming with red.

Your thoughts were interrupted by a small voice calling out to you, “Come on Y/N! You gotta pet the bunnies!”

You slid the photo back into its pouch and tucked the wallet into your bag, deciding to hold onto it for safe keeping.

You knelt down beside Shinsou in the pen, watching with soft eyes as he gently petted one the rabbits, its nose crinkling and eyes closing happily at his gentle touch.

You saw the other children, hastily chasing around the rabbits as their parents scolded them.

Shinsou was so loving, so tender with the creature, easing his hand in front of it with food and smiling as it ate from his hand.

‘I bet he always was mature for his age.’

After the bunnies, you visited the goats, and you and Shinsou laughed at how goofy they were. Then the ducks, where Shinsou made a friend that decided to sit in his lap. Finally you visited the chickens, where Shinsou pointed out a particularly scraggly looking black one asleep in the corner, saying it looked like Aizawa.

After wiping the tears from your eyes from laughter, Shinsou grabbed your hand, yawning.

“Hey Y/N, can we take a nap? I’m getting sweepy.”

You smiled, scooping the child into your arms and letting him rest his head on your shoulder like he had earlier.

“Alright honey, let’s go back to my house; then we can take a nap. How does that sound?”

You arrived home, Shinsou having fallen asleep before you’d even left the park.

You laid him down gently on the loveseat in your living room, sliding a pillow under his head and tucking him in with a fuzzy blanket. You removed his scarf and brushed the hair out of his face, marveling at his angelic face as he slept.

‘I wonder if we ever had a baby- would they be this cute?’

You blushed at the thought, but decided you were in need of a nap too, getting yourself situated on the big couch beside him.

It wasn’t even 10 minutes after you’d closed your eyes before you felt a familiar tug at your shirt.

There was Shinsou, sleepy-eyed as ever and clutching the fuzz blanket in his arms.

“Can I sweep wif you?”

You smiled, scooting over as you made room for him.

“Sure, come here sweetheart.”

Turns out the petting zoo as well as the battle from earlier had worn both of you out.

You held the child in your arms, humming at the warmth from his tiny body. Not long after, you both fell asleep.

You awoke the next morning to a simultaneously awakening Shinsou groaning beneath you.

       ‘Beneath you? You had been the big spoon, what-?

                                        Oh…

                     Oh shit.’

Shinsou had changed back overnight, and now you were laying on his chest, half-sprawled out on top of him.

You fought back the wince as his eyes fluttered open, realizing you had no time to retreat or feign ignorance.

You were about to have some serious explaining to do.

                    Dee End! ;3

     xoxo,          Mama Smutsy ヽ(｡• ω•｡)ﾉ

#BNHA scenarios #Shinsou Hitoshi BNHA scenarios #Shinsou Hitoshi Scenarios #Shinsou Hitoshi Imagines #Shinsou Hitoshi #Hitoshi Shinsou #BNHA boys #Shinsou Hitoshi Kid Version #BNHA kids #BNHA kid versions #BNHA SFW #BNHA fluff #Mama Smutsy #Smutsy #But writing BNHA kids makes me feel like Mother Goose #My transformation has begun

[fairy-made]

I dont think I ever said anything about this, but when I replayed the skyrim romance mod after it got an update a while back, it seemed like someone read my random comments about it and like....actually tweaked the mod?? which is really cool imo. putting this under a cut since I think the mod still generally has a bad rep, even though it seems like theyre working on that in some capacity. I didnt really even know what the drama was about in the first place.

literally everything I talked about that could be fixed within a reasonable amount of time was fixed. back then (~3-4 yrs ago) I was a little more tolerant of the “bad boy, borderline abusive” type and while the character himself seems to be intentionally pushy, it seems to be a bit better. if I remember correctly, I think they cut the rapey bits and just worked around it so that bishop was still a brat about your player not wanting to have sex, but not a scary horny nutcase. theres a big difference between “youre gonna have sex with me one of these days wench!!” and “ugh, fine, be like that!” its def not A+, but it is an improvement that still suits the character. I obviously wasnt too bothered with the earlier version back then (had some stuff I was going through), but now I can see the concern, and to me its less cringey. Id have to replay it again to see how I feel exactly, but Im sure its better at least.

they re-did the whole interaction with cael so instead of him talking about how he could give you orgasms like youve never seen, hes cautious of you yet still kind of flirty. a real sweetie. I mean, I like the new bit, but he could also let me know hes dtf a little bit. lmao thats just me though. 

the one thing I did not like too much was that they added animations for the sex scenes, and that you had no choice but to sit through them (unless you said no to sex altogether). since I literally set the camera so that I could not see the sex anims, I did get to hear bishops VA during the scenes and Imma just say.......... you should hear them. even if its just the once. lmao. I read that theyre gonna cut out the sex mod dependencies so that you can just have fade to black scenes, and I am for that 1000000%. 

now I just hope it gets ported it to the special edition, because it seems waaay too hard and time consuming to do it myself. I tried to start but the list of tasks was just too long to justify working on when I have homework and other stuff to do.

outside all that, I can see why there was such a bad vibe surrounding the mod at first. it all made sense when I read about the drama on reddit, but the harshness  was a bit... much?? from what I read, the creator made some bad choices and eventually acknowledged/fixed them. her reasoning and intentions for making them could be questionable, but people are human, idk what else to say. Im just... not grabbing a pitchfork over this and I fail to see any reason to continue that now lmao. she obviously still wants to hold everything together for the mod and do things better so... Im not gonna hold a grudge even if she made bad choices. she ultimately canceled the kickstarter, and this is all ultimately over a mod. a skyrim mod. you either wanna play and support it or you dont because of very valid reasons. its up to you. but either way it just will never be that serious.

I honestly got the impression that she might be a bad person from stuff I read until I got the chance to read about everything, and then I was like wow.. she fucked up, but the worst thing she did was undone the same day it happened so...like... yall couldve just went on about your lives and left this woman alone. 

anyway, long talk. it seems like the mods at a standstill, since it hasnt been ported to the SE yet and I dont think the creator herself has made any announcements about actual updates coming soon. but I actually hope things stay positive for the mod. 

(also psa, this is for my followers/mutuals if there interested in talking about it. Ive tagged this for the sole purpose of being able to be filtered by those who dont want to hear anything about it.)

Update: so I downloaded the beta for the SE. it wasnt working for me as the dialogue would seem to break anytime after I used racemenu. I literally cant play skyrim without changing my hair, and the person in charge of the beta said to try playing it on a no-rush new game so... I kind of gave up. I had started over twice after already sinking 4-8 hours into those 2 new games, specifically for the mod, and I just didnt feel like doing it again.

Replaying the bits that I could, I will say it is... kind of cheesy. Doesnt bother me much though. I used to write bad fanfiction, so its not the worst. Its just not impervious to being... cheesy at times. Idk how to put it lol. Maybe you could say its tropey? Like something youd read in a romance novel with those dramatic traditional cover illustrations. Not bad. Just, if you hate that kinda thing, you might not be into it. Im not very critical because the alternative is like. 1 other mod? So I just dont mind.

Outside of that I kind of have no idea what my complete opinion is on it now. I intended to find out, but gave up due to modding issues. I was a little younger when I first played it, so I may have different opinions on it now. As I mentioned before my opinion of sex and certain character traits used to be different, and its changed a lot since then. Its still kind of changing even now. I still go “yeah... that was the trauma” about stuff I used to think was not so bad.

To be honest I didnt even remember having an opinion of it as cheesy a few years ago, but now after replaying for the 3rd time Im like... from what little Ive seen so far, its some pretty sharp cheddar lol. So if it is a lot worse than you felt you were led to believe from reading this, Im sorry, and you can inbox me about it. Especially since I may not ever even play the newest version.

#skyrim romance mod #long post

[hookedontaronfics]

First Contact series Part 2

Title: First Contact - Part 2 Find Part 1 HERE Rating: T Pairing: Taron x OC Warnings: Some light cursing and alcohol use A/N: The second installment in the First Contact series takes our three best friends on a fun Saturday night on the town and a surprise second encounter with Taron. Some more cute, fluffy Taron. The series will eventually involve more mature themes as it develops, so be warned! I hope you enjoy! x

Opening Scene. Int. A cheery maisonette in Muswell Hill, London. Saturday evening. Three roommates are sitting in the reception room, the evening sun pouring through the window, casting a warm glow. Two roommates are idly chatting and watching the telly, while the third roommate furiously types away -

“Hey!” Jules’ voice interrupted my thoughts, mid-type. “No working! It’s a Saturday. We’re going to go out and have fun!” she said.

“I’m not working!” I insisted, quickly hitting the save button and closing my laptop.

“Yeah right, it’s all you do,” Mary agreed.

“Well, I’ve just landed this position and I want to show I can excel at it,” I said, feeling the need to defend myself. But I truly hadn’t been working on a script, at least not for work. 

“And I actually like my job, unlike you lot,” I added cheekily as Jules tossed a couch pillow at me.

“Look, we all know how brillo you are! They wouldn’t have promoted you if they didn’t think it too,” she smiled. “But you also need to have some fun once in a while.”

“Yeah, yeah,” I said with a grin. “So what did you have in mind?”

“Well, Jules and I were thinking of checking out this really fun place on Kingsland High Street …” Mary started.

“Yeah, it’s a karaoke bar and the hosts for the evening are drag queens!” Jules added with an excited squeal. “How fun will that be?”

“Uhh, you guys know I don’t sing!” I protested.

“Well you can just be a killjoy, but you’re still coming with us,” Jules replied, taking my laptop and shoving it under the couch cushion for good measure.

“Come on, then,” Mary grinned, pulling me to my feet and dragging me along to my room so I could start getting ready. After some deliberation I finally chose to wear a simple black dress over a black-and-white checkered button-down shirt. Minimalist was the way to go so I wouldn’t grab anyone’s attention, lest they try to pull me up on stage with them. I kept my makeup neutral except for a bright pink lippy and tousled my hair before deeming myself “night-on-the-town” worthy.

My friends, it would turn out, decided to make this process a lot more time-consuming. So with time to kill, I dug my laptop out from under the couch cushion, disturbing Tim, Mary’s cat, who had been stretched out and sleeping. I apologized by giving him an extra scratch behind the ears, to which he simply meowed at me indignantly and then returned to his nap.

“Suit yourself, Tim,” I giggled, perching on the ottoman and opening my laptop again. I’d set my desktop background as one of the pictures from my Tesco run-in with Taron two months ago, and it never failed to make me smile. 

Of course my friends and I had gone over every single detail of the interaction, in great length and with a lot of wine. I’d still not been able to share the experience online, partly because I didn’t want crazier fans then me to feel the need to stalk him in places like the supermarket. Taron had been kind and friendly, of course, but at the heart of it, he was just going about his life like any of us might. Being famous wasn’t an invitation to intrude upon his life in that way.

Still, as I looked at the photo, I couldn’t help but daydream a little about what could have been. Could a chance, simple encounter really turn into more?

“That’s what you’re wearing?” Jules asked, breaking into my reverie, standing in front of me with her hands on her hips. “You’ll totally blend in… with the furniture!”

“That’s the point, Jules. I’m not changing, so can we just get this over with already?” I whined slightly.

“You will have fun, so help me!” Jules replied as Mary sashayed into the room as well, playfully tossing her hair about. Both of my roommates were in bright colorful dresses; I looked like the drab au pair next to them, but I didn’t mind. We were in high spirits as we locked up our flat and made our way to the tube, my friends awkwardly tottering on their heels and me making fun of them for their impractical footwear.

The transit to Kingsland High was uneventful, and soon we were standing before the neon sign of the Karaoke Hole. A few people were standing outside, smoking or just talking, and we could hear the strains of music and laughter filtering outside.

We had to get our ID’s checked at the front before walking into the neon-lit bar, immediately besieged by the amount of glitter in the room. And feathers. And neon. And basically every wild, outrageous piece of clothing someone could adorn their body with. I suddenly felt very much out of place and as conspicuous as I had been trying not to be.

We quickly ordered drinks, giggling over the names of the various cocktails in the LGBTQ+ friendly venue. Oh, this could be a fun night after all. The booths were all full, and we hadn’t made a booking, so I was truly grateful I’d chosen a pair of sensible flats for the standing-room night. The karaoke was already in full swing, and the hosts were engaging and welcoming to everyone there.

Jules, Mary and I were caught up in the joy of it, cheering right along with everyone for each singer or group that braved the stage. But there was no way I was getting up on that stage, even with my roomies begging me to go with them. I waved and cheered as loud as anyone as Mary and Jules stepped up to the stage, microphones in hand, looking every bit the stars I knew my roomies to be as they launched into a flamboyantly off-key version of Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive.”

I stood around, taking in the packed crowd, men and women of all stripes and colors here just to have a good time. It genuinely filled me with happiness to see everyone getting along, like we’d all been invited to the same exclusive party. 

When my friends returned to me, breathless and giggling, I was sure to congratulate them profusely, overblowing it on purpose until Mary told me good-naturedly to shut up. I snickered and finished my drink as the first notes of a song I instantly recognized blared out, and my eyes instantly snapped to the stage in hope. But the person about to sing George Michael’s “Faith” wasn’t who I hoped it to be, even though I knew it was completely silly of me to think I’d have a second chance to meet Taron. Still, a girl could hope, right?

Embarrassed by my private disappointment, I mumbled something to Jules and Mary about needing another drink, and politely pushed my way between sweaty glittering bodies to the bar. I had to fairly clamber onto a stool and lean over the bartop to yell my order to the bartender over the enthusiastic rendition coming from the speakers.

“I could sing it better,” someone to my right said, and I nearly fell off the stool the second I recognized that accent.

“Excuse me?” I laughed, spinning around to face the person who was most certainly the object of my fangirl dreams.

“That’s my song. I always sing it,” Taron smirked lightly. If he recognized me at all (which I mean, how could he?), he didn’t let on.

“What are you gonna do, go up there and show him up?” I teased as the bartender placed my cocktail in front of me. I took a couple sips and savored it for a moment, also secretly checking out Taron over the rim of the glass in the process.

“Ahh, haven’t had enough drinks yet. And I’m not an arse,” he grinned, waving his empty bottle at the bartender to indicate he’d like another.

“This time it’s on me,” I said, tossing a couple bills on the bartop as the bartender handed Taron another beer. His green eyes looked sweetly baffled at me below the brim of the hat he was wearing, and my heart sank just a tiny bit. So no, he didn’t remember who I was, I thought to myself.

“Well, enjoy your night,” I said, smiling and trying to pass it off as me just being an overly generous person. I hopped off the stool and turned to go back to my friends, but he reached over and tapped me on the arm, leaning in close to me to speak as the bar volume suddenly jumped. I realized I could feel his breath on my skin, and I tried not to gasp.

“I didn’t buy you a coffee as a quid pro quo, Jessica,” he said, and I didn’t even correct him on my name as my heart nearly stopped beating and reality slammed back into me. He actually remembered me, I thought stupidly, shocked into speechlessness for a moment. I suddenly felt my world tilt just a little, and everyone felt way too close. The music was too loud, and the lights were far too bright. Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was the proximity of Taron, or maybe just my general anxiety, but I suddenly felt like I had no air to breathe. Taron said something, but I couldn’t make out the words.

“I…I’ll be right back,” I managed to stammer, before making a mad dash for the door, weaving between people until I could push the door open and nearly fell flat on my face tripping over the steps on the way to the sidewalk. I rushed past some people smoking near the entrance, who glanced at me and then went back to their conversation, before leaning against a light pole and sucking in huge breaths of air, trying to calm myself down. 

Angry at myself and embarrassed over my panic didn’t even remotely begin to describe how I felt at that moment, moving through emotions too fast to even process them. And nothing had even happened, not really, other then Taron having an unusually impeccable memory. I really needed to get a grip on myself. I pulled my phone out of my purse, which had been slung around my body, ready to text Jules and Mary to come out and rescue me as I surely couldn’t face Taron again, when the door swung open and he made a beeline over to me.

“Are you okay?” he asked gently, keeping his distance until he was sure I could handle it.

“Just peachy,” I breathed, making him tilt his head again.

“Is that a particular phrase said in the States?” he asked, willing to distract me from whatever had caused my panic.

“Uh, yeah, I suppose so,” I said, even managing to laugh a little. “It’s painful how American I still am, isn’t it? I’ve been living here a year already!”

“It’s not so bad. Where you’re from is an important part of who you are,” he said sweetly, stepping a bit closer as he could see me relaxing. “I’d never want to take that away from someone.”

“You’re really … real, aren’t you, Taron Egerton?” I laughed softly, knowing that probably didn’t make any sense to him, but he stayed quiet, allowing me time to elaborate. “I mean, just as sweet and kind in person as everyone thinks you are. That’s kind of rare.”

“Thank you, I… That’s generous of you,” he said, closing his eyes and nodding his head in that way he did when he was humbled by a compliment.

“Well, I mean it. First you save my brown sauce, then you rescue me from panicking over nothing. I’m beginning to rack up quite a tab,” I joked.

“Hmmm, that’s a bit of a problem, innit?” he said, slowly smirking at me again. “I suppose you could repay it by having you and your mates join me and my mates at our booth. We’ve plenty of room,” he said, giving me his most winsome gaze, his eyes passing over me head to toe. I was grateful for the shadows cast by the street light, as I’m sure I was a bright shade of scarlet.

“Can’t say no to that, now can I?” I smiled, biting my lip slightly as he reached out and offered his hand to me in a gesture of support. I slipped my hand in his, noting that he threaded his fingers with mine as he led me back inside.

We quickly found Jules and Mary dancing together, clearly a bit drunk, and who hadn’t even noticed I’d been missing. Great friends, those, I thought cheekily. When Jules saw Taron and me holding hands, she made a big show of it, pointing to our hands and then giving me a cheesy thumbs up. I would have felt embarrassed but Taron didn’t give me the chance, leading the three of us to the booth he and his friends had commandeered. He introduced us to a few people whose names I’d definitely forget later, then returned to the bar to replace our abandoned drinks.

When he’d returned, he slid into the booth next to me, so close that his thigh was directly against mine. And it was warm, very warm. I was distracted by the sensation for a moment, then chided myself and blushed, as if my thoughts had been posted on an electronic sign above my head for all to read. Still, those kinds of thoughts weren’t going to help me survive the night sitting next to Taron, so I tried my best to be chill, starting with downing my cocktail way too fast.

Jules and Mary had no problem joining the conversation with Taron’s friends, and I did my best to chime in when I could, getting a few laughs out of the table. More drinks and badly sung songs ensued until Taron drummed his hands on the table. “Only one person hasn’t yet gone up on stage,” he said, turning to me as his friends all “ooohh’d” at me.

“Oh no, no no no. I don’t sing,” I replied, trying to kibosh that whole idea before it started.

“Oh come on, love, it can’t be that bad,” Taron chuckled, clearly feeling buzzed himself at this point. He took his hat off and plopped it on my head. “You’ll be a star,” he grinned, dragging out the word.

“I can’t go up there by myself,” I replied, desperately trying to come up with some reason other than that I was massively afraid to stand in front of all those people. “I have laryngitis!” I said, unable to keep a straight face at that as everyone else cracked up. I clearly needed to work on my lying game.

“Here, I’ll bargain with you,” Taron said, putting an arm around my shoulders lazily. “You and me. We’ll go up there together, and we’ll just have some fun, yeah? Forget everyone else in the room. I’ve got you,” he said, his eyes slightly glittering in the dark of the bar. I knew he’d said all of this just for my benefit, and it was getting difficult to turn him down. I looked over at Mary and Jules, both of whom knew about my anxiety. But they were both nodding their heads, trying to encourage me to overcome it.

So I agreed, against my better judgment. I quickly finished my cocktail, hoping that the liquid courage would kick in, and let Taron drag me up to the stage. We debated over a song for a little bit while waiting our turn, landing on something I actually knew by heart, so at least I wouldn’t be tripping over the words and embarrassing myself further.

When our names were announced and we hopped up on the stage, our group of friends burst into ridiculous cheers, which made me blush some more and nearly want to bolt, but Taron was still holding my hand and it anchored me a bit. “Don’t look out there. Forget about them. Just focus on me,” he whispered, so I took a deep breath and did my best to take his advice. It wasn’t hard to focus on Taron, who looked almost rugged with his black blazer and stubble, his hair a bit flattened down from the hat that I was now wearing. It somehow made him look even more adorable, but I don’t think he could have looked anything less to me.

Our music started and Taron instantly lit up, the performer in him living for moments like these. My only hope was simply to survive. We’d chosen Elton John’s duet with Kiki Dee, the ever-catchy “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart.” Taron, bless his soul, did everything he could to get me to loosen up, and it somehow worked. I wasn’t glued to the monitor screen because I knew the words, and eventually even I was dancing a little bit with him, clearly being outshone but at least looking like I wasn’t totally out of my element. By the end of the song, I was beyond grateful to leave the stage, but also proud of myself for actually going through with it.

Taron grabbed me around my middle and cutely hugged me, picking me up off my feet and swinging me around slightly in his excitement over what we’d just done. “That was so good! I had no idea you had pipes on you like that!” he grinned, knocking his hat askew on my head a bit.

“I never said I can’t sing, only that I don’t,” I laughed, caught up in his excitement and the effects of alcohol.

“Well you really should more often,” he smiled, pulling me close so that he could fix the hat before dropping his hands down to my shoulders and staring at me for one awkward moment, as if he wanted to put them elsewhere but decided against it. “You have really beautiful eyes, has anyone told you that?” he asked.

“Not...not really, thank you,” I said, totally stunned as we stood there, the flow of the crowd around us totally forgotten. For that moment, it was just Taron and me.

But then the moment passed, and whatever he had thought to say, or do, he decided against.

I felt a pinprick of disappointment as he led me back to the table, ordering another round of shots for the table as everyone greeted me back with congratulations and praise that I had a half-decent voice. I gave them all smiles and tried to entertain Mary and Jules’ texts about how cute we had looked up on the stage together.

We all chatted some more and took the most ridiculous pictures with each other and the night wore on, Taron at times resting a hand on my knee, or even leaning his head against my shoulder, but making no further moves and I half-wondered if this was just how he was when he’d drunk far too much.

I got up to go to the bathroom, badly needing to pee at that point, and stewing on what Taron’s actions could possibly mean. It couldn’t be because he was attracted to me, I decided, especially as I’d chosen the most boring outfit in the world. At least his hat did something for my overall aesthetic, I thought, looking at myself in the mirror. My eyeliner had smudged a bit but didn’t look overall bad. I sighed and pushed my way into a stall, realizing once I sat down that I’d totally left my phone on the table. Jules was notorious for hacking my social media with stupid posts, especially when she was drunk.

Once I’d washed up and returned to the table, it hit me that I was absolutely knackered. I nearly stumbled, into Taron no less, trying to get back into the booth. “Guys, I so need to call it a night,” I said, unable to stop the yawn that escaped. Jules and Mary had been whispering and giggling together, but had stopped when I’d returned. If I hadn’t been so drunk myself, I would have been suspicious.

“You’re sure you need to go, darling?” Taron asked me, looking like he needed to find a place to pass out himself.

“Mmm yeah and I think you should too,” I smiled, trying to hand him his hat back, but he shook his head.

“Keep it, it’s a consolation prize,” he said, winking at me and making my insides melt. If there’s one thing I can tell you, Taron Egerton could stop traffic with that wink of his.

“You’re absolutely ridiculous,” I giggled, stuffing my phone back in my purse. “Thank you for the fun night. It was really, really great.” And you’re bloody gorgeous, I thought drunkenly, glad those words didn’t leave my mouth.

“The pleasure has been all mine,” Taron smiled, nodding to the rest of his group as Jules and Mary and I managed to extricate ourselves from the booth without breaking an ankle. We all took our good-byes, making empty promises to hang out again some time, and Taron escorted us outside and helped flag down a taxi for us. He was a gentleman through and through. He offered hugs to the three of us, maybe hugging onto me a little longer than was necessary, and made sure we were safely in the cab and on our way before returning to the bar. My last image of him was his hand raised in a half-wave, his crooked smile fading into the darkness.

By the time we arrived back at our flat, my head was absolutely pounding. Mary shook me to rouse me from my stupor, half-slumped against the cab door and probably not remotely attractive at all. The street light outside hurt my eyes, and I was starting to get grumpy that I wasn’t already safely tucked in my bed.

“You always do this! I hate your grump stage, it’s such a bummer!” Jules complained, tearing off her dress and dumping it in our main room.

Mary shook her head at our roommate’s exhibitionist streak and quickly took me by the shoulders and escorted me to our shared bathroom. “Just take a bath and relax and you’ll feel better, promise,” she smiled, as if she’d done this many times before.

“Okay, mom,” I playfully whined, dumping my purse on the counter, my phone falling out onto the floor. I bent over to pick it up, swearing slightly and hoping I hadn’t cracked the screen, which had lit up showing my notifications. My eyes went wide as I noticed a text and I screamed, bringing Jules running, crowding into the small bathroom with us.

“WHAT IS THIS?” I yelled, shoving the phone in their faces. There, clearly visible on the screen, was a text message reading <Had a lovely night with you. Until next time, -T.>

“Oh, that,” Jules said offhandedly, as she and Mary exchanged glances with each other.

“Well, when you went to the bathroom, …” Mary began.

“I knew you wouldn’t do it yourself!” Jules interjected.

Mary squealed at that. “So when are you going to text him back?” she asked.

“Not with both of you breathing down my neck!” I laughed in a dazed manner, shooing them both out of the bathroom. “I love you guys,” I said, giving them the biggest smile.

“Love you back,” Mary said, making a heart with her hands while Jules just blew me a kiss, still only dressed in her skivvies.

I closed the door and sank down to the floor, staring at the text until my phone screen went blank again. I took a deep sigh and opened the message back up, my fingers hovering over the keys for a moment. <I had the best time. Hope you got home safe. -J> I set my phone aside and started the water, deciding on a quick shower instead of a bath. Once I was clean and feeling slightly better, I brushed my teeth, swallowed a couple painkillers, put on my jammies and nestled under the covers. I peeked at my phone again, half-afraid that there wouldn’t be a text back or it’d turn out to be a wrong number, even if that didn’t make sense as he’d texted me first.

My fears were proven false, though, as I had another text waiting for me. I opened it nervously. <You really think I’m bloody gorgeous?> I stared for a moment at the text, before throwing my head back and having to laugh. I definitely couldn’t trust myself when I was drunk, that’s for certain.

<I’ll ask sober me in the morning> I sent back with a winky face emoji before setting my phone aside for the night. My head was still pounding and I badly needed to sleep, no matter how tempting it would be to text Taron all hours of the night. 

From first contact to the second, I’d been given hope. Not that I was the perfect girl for Taron, or for anyone for that matter. But he’d seen me enough to care, maybe even to like me. And that was a future I’d be all too happy to wake up to the next morning.

Keep reading - Part 3

#taron imagine #taron egerton #taron x reader #taron egerton fanfiction #taron egerton imagine

[tigerheart101]

Back from a break

Sorry to my friends and fellows for my silence. i took a major mental health break.

 because i learned that the majority of this world is made up of liars. Even people who claim the best intentions, when they find a weaker soul they will manipulate their ways into a win. 

The day when a slightly troubled but generally obsesssively careful and good person is prosecuted when they helped someone who was legit a bad person with bad habits and they helped this person be good and happy and just generally well behaved but still be themselves. then just one day the good person is so emotionally and mentally drained because they have overloaded themselves with work because everyone keeps saying they can handle it that their smart enough their strong enough except that bad person who all though they never out right said anything they constantly reminded them they were nothing but what others wanted them to be then eventually this good person snaps.. stops talking, stops function and ultimately STOPPED HELPING.  my best friend who i have learned is 1 of the only people i have ever been able to trust more then my own family finally said to me.  “it does no good to be a good person if everyone sees you threw a bad filter. and it does no good to give more of yourself to help others when you have nothing left to help yourself. cant fill someone elses glass to the top with water when you only had a half cup of water left in your own. “ 

Id love it if i was such a hard core edgy person that i can say these experiences have taught me to say fuck you to the world and help myself. but it hasnt, i just today gave a stranger 5 dollars to buy herself a bus ticket home to her kids. i still watch 5 kids for a friend for free because their going threw alot and really just needed a bit more help. i still take care of everyone while cried in my uber ride today cause we passed a pilot station. this is just who i am ok.  these experiences, ruined my education. but i wont let it stop me, i got my ged last month and i will be going to school for my associates and later my degree soon as i can securely.  i just got hired for a great job, and i start work in a week and im excited to do it.  i have a girlfriend who is going threw her own struggles and yea we fight sometimes but i love her and i refuse to give up on us because i dont give up on people.  i have my own family, not one i was born to, not one out of obligation or just so they can say they tried to help the troubled girl. but one that loves me up and down. who has watched me grow up in hell threw when i was generally bad (which my bad was having additude, crippling stress and a short temper) and my good which is not now and not then.. my good is a day when i wake up after a good night sleep. which is rare.  i have stopped taking all my antidepressants and anti anxiety even my migraine meds...and you know what..i am so much happier...yea i am traumatized and scarred after this last year of hell.. but being honest without the meds that supposedly are suppose to help me. i have more happy days.. my meds had caused me to gain weight rapidly on top of the far from healthy way i ate. my meds made it so yea i didn't cry as much but when i should have been crying i was sad as hell but i didn't cry, i didn't scream i did nothing but sleep, go to school, and sleep some more, eat whenever i was forced out of the house or someone else put it in front of me.... i dont need it. i hate drugs, before it was just illegal ones. right now its all of them.. because i was a good girl, i did everything my doctor told me to. and all it did was ruin my life. it killed my motivation to function, it made me into a zombie who could barely function and my doses where never even that high. i was so careful i started on tiny doses to try and prevent this very issue and i still had it.. it made me process my heart ache and stress as anger. it made me scared of leaving my room and it made me just want to sleep all day.it made what was never a very healthy body to begin with a much more unhealthy body and nearly made me diabetic because my metabolism was so slow i could no longer handle all the sugar and food and carbs i ingested. 

right now, i should be angry, before i would have been, i would have felt it all as anger and frustration thats all i felt when on my meds.. but right now i dont have it in me to be angry anymore. those who hurt me when i did nothing then be the best i could. i dont care anymore. to those who hurt me out of anger because i stopped making myself sick to keep them happy. To those who gave up on me because of others lies, or things that are just honest to god normal. or things i had no control of. i hope you feel better.  im sorry i pushed you all to the point of giving up, or hating me. im not angry with any of you. i forgive you for your part in it all. and im sorry for mine. im sorry i didnt have it in me to beg for help, or say something when i was stressed, or ask for help when my whole body begged for me to cry or scream but all i did was go to bed. im sorry to my therapist for the fact i couldnt tell you what was wrong with me and every time you gave me homework i never ever did it because i didnt want to acknowledge my feelings and validate them long enough to deal with them and i wanted to just ignore them. im sorry to my family that i wasnt loud enough, funny you always said im loud as hell tis annoying, but for once the problem was i wasnt talking enough and you forgot who i was, you forgot everything about me, dont to the fundamentals of who i am.  im not angry, im not resentful, im honest to god heart broken. i have dated alot i know it. im young thats normal its part of finding yourself for some girl. what i learned, is no heart break is the same as having your own family reject you. no pain is as bad as legit being told that your not wanted, that your a wasted time or that they wish they had never meant you when they are your own blood. 

but im not angry. i was bitter at first with everyone. i didnt understand who people who claimed to protect and love me. could have forgotten who i am at the very core of me. so quickly. but i get it now.  thank you, you taught me alot.  you taught me my voice is valid. im loud as hell, but at least someone hears me.  you taught me that its okay to not be okay because fuck being okay.  you taught me who really loves me. you taught me i have fucking amazing friends, and which ones they where.  you taught me that my biggest fear, was gonna be my greatest strength. 

my girlfriends who family disowned her cause shes trans. She says everyday that only people she trusts is me and her grandmother who is only family she has left. we get in fights built on the foundations of these exact trust issues. 

i understand and respect her pain. but i dont get it. she knows that and loves me for it. because i went threw hell this last year. and lost alot of people to lies. but i still trust everyone. i still offer my neighburs baked goods and a smile every time i see them. i still give homeless people a dollar cause they asked. i still love my family even those who never wanna talk to me. and thats ok.. i dont get the distrust. because to me.. being happy is about being yourself. and you know what. im naive, im volnerable, im ditzy, and oblivious, i trust to much, i give to much of myself, and i love people who dont always deserve it. and im ok with that.  my kindness might be undeserved but ill give it.  i have been nearly killed, betrayed, abused, and assaulted. but each of those people could come to me right now for help. and ill still give it to them. because i was taught if i have it to offer it to someone who needs it.  im okay with that. my girlfriend can be distrusting and angry thats okay to. because i need someone to protect my volnerable ass cause i wont risk hurting someone else to protect myself. 

#growth #growing up #learn from the past #pride #strength #future #mentalhealth #abuse survivor #abandonment issues #daddy issues #hope #goals #forgiveness #serious #deep #emotional

[wildefiction]

Of Course...Mr. Collins

TWENTY-TWO

The plane ride home was exhausting, though otherwise uneventful. An early morning arrival met you and Misha with dark, wet roads and a severe drop in temperature, immediately making you wish you were back on the islands.

At just after four in the morning, you said your goodbyes to Misha and Cliff before falling into bed. While Hawaii had been beautiful, you were happy to be home. With the California convention closing out the season, you wondered what Misha would have you do during the winter break. Wrapping yourself in a nest of blankets, your eyes closed almost immediately after crawling into your four-poster canopy bed.

Plaintive cries of indignation tore you from a dreamless sleep and you woke to find both of your cats pointedly staring at you from atop their position on your stomach. One of them had the good grace to at least offer a rumbling purr at the first sign of your stirring. Your attempts to ignore their demands for food by rolling to the other side of the mattress did little to deter them. Snuffling purrs rolled against the curve of your ear, whiskers tickling the skin with their light touch. “Fine, yes, I’m getting up!” With a heaving groan you stumbled from the soft surface, absentmindedly filling the empty dishes in the kitchen so as to dissuade the complaints of the dependents who wound through your legs.

Dragging the comforter from your room to wrap around your shoulders, you settled into the couch for a day of movie watching. Since your sister was still in Hawaii with Galen, the idea of a quiet day at home was just what you needed. Flipping through several social media platforms and seeing no updates from her surprised you, usually she dominated the websites with non-stop photos. Shrugging it off, your attention turned back to the tv, content with your decision to have a Harry Potter marathon. Musing to yourself, you wondered, was it possible to watch all seven movies in one day?

You were able to make it through the first and most of the second film before dozing off, and the rest of the day was filled with a cycle of sleeping, switching discs and eating. Towards the end of the evening, an Instagram notification appeared on your phone, once again startling you from the light state of unconsciousness you’d drifted in and out of today. A half smile of relief at the beachy sunset quelled the uneasiness that had tried to worm its way into your mind. Watching over your sister had been something you’d tasked yourself with from a young age, and even now that the two of you were adults, it was a hard habit to break.

Early the next morning, you dressed quickly. One perk to having an early-to-rise boss was that often by eight am you’d already been awake for a couple hours. This schedule had almost seamlessly transferred to include your days off. Thanksgiving was a week away and you’d finally be able to not only afford all of the ingredients for a literal feast, but also have people to share your efforts with. A beautiful fall day greeted you as you descended the stairs, stopping a moment to appreciate the crisp chill of the air and the dried leaves that painted the ground in values of crimson, gold and tangerine.

Turning your music up and speeding through scattered leaves had you smiling to yourself when you pulled into the grocery store parking lot a few minutes later. Although it was early, plenty of people were already gathering their groceries for the upcoming holiday. Pointing the key fob over your shoulder and pulling the crimson peacoat more securely around your shoulders, the audible beeping of the car locking echoed around you.

Grabbing your phone from the pocket inside your bag, you unlocked the screen and navigated through the applications until you found the list of ingredients you needed to purchase. Humming contentedly to yourself as the pile of produce and baking components accumulated in the cart, you didn’t notice until too late that you’d bumped into another lady in front of you. As you rushed to apologize, you quickly realized it was your old boss. 

The furtive glances and tight-lipped smile she offered created an air of awkwardness as you mumbled an obligatory hello. 

“So…[Y/F/N], ho-how have you been?” The light touch of her fingertips on your shoulder made you flinch, though you doubted she had noticed. Her white-knuckled grip on the handles of her basket betrayed her confident demeanor. Taking a deep breath, you considered. How had you been? Fucking fantastic was the answer. And yes, you had been upset when she’d unceremoniously fired you, but without having had that happen, you might never have been given the opportunity to accept what had literally become your dream-job. 

“Actually...I’ve been great! I found a new position pretty quickly and I’m so grateful that things worked out how they did. Otherwise, I’d still be struggling to pay my bills and feeling like my career was going nowhere.” 

The excitement in your tone was unquestionable, but the look of hurt in the woman’s eyes made it clear that she’d thought you were being frigid. 

“Oh! I mean..I was really appreciative of the relationship we’d formed for the years I worked for you, please don’t misunderstand. I’m not trying to be rude, and I realize you could only offer me so much. Really though, you gave me something I didn’t have the courage to do for myself; an out. So, for that, thank you.” 

The tentative smile and confidence that swept through you allowed you to fold her into a hug, her bewildered expression delaying her reaction. As she brought her arms up to return the hug, you were already stepping back, guiding your cart around her. 

“Happy Holidays!” The lilting tone in your voice settled into the same comfortable humming from earlier as you added the final items from your list to the cart.

Amongst the friendly chatter with the young woman ringing up your groceries, your phone began to ring. The muffled sounds of Louden Swain drifted from the bottom of your bag and you set to work digging through the expansive tote trying to find the device in time to answer it. 

“I love Louden Swain, did you go to their concert in Seattle last month?” The bright brown eyes of the cashier lit up, and with them, so did her entire face. “I didn’t get to unfortunately, I had to work - but I was able to see them perform a few days ago in Hawaii, they are fantastic aren’t they?” 

Nodding as she finished calculating your order, you lifted the phone to your ear just in time to have the ringing silence itself. Flipping through the caller ID, you realized it was Misha who’d called. Not wanting to be rude, you paid for your purchases and thanked the woman, wishing her a Happy Thanksgiving as you dialed the number to reach your boss. 

“Hey Misha, what’s up?” 

“Nothing, just some errands.” 

As you turned to leave you didn’t notice the look of surprise come over the woman’s face who watched you walk away from her checkstand, bags of groceries gripped tightly in your hand.

As you unloaded the items from the back of your car and carried them up the three flights of stairs to your apartment, your phone rang again. Luckily, this time it started right as you reached the final landing. 

“Norman! Wow, I didn’t expect you to call, how are you?!” The excitement in your voice caused you to miss the questioning tone of his voice. 

“Why’da think ah wou’na call ya?” “Happy Thanksgivin’ Sunshine!” Laughing, you returned the greeting only to remind him that you still had a week to prepare and not to jinx you. As the two of you discussed your individual holiday plans, the phone beeped against your shoulder just as you set the milk in the door of the refrigerator. 

“One sec, that’s my other line.” Switching calls, Misha was there asking you to work for a few hours. Looking around to make sure everything was put away, you scooped some food from the container for your cats and lowered the bowls to the ground. Not knowing how long you were going to be gone, you’d rather know the girls had been fed early than making them wait too long. Promising you’d be there soon, you ended the call as you once again grabbed your keys and shut the door behind you. There hadn’t even been enough time to take off your coat.

As you docked your phone in the car cradle, you quickly realized the second line was on hold; Norman was still waiting. Cursing, you quickly fumbled for the screen as you started the car. 

“Sorry, I totally didn’t forget that you were still waiting on me.” Laughter echoed through your car speakers as you turned left out of the parking lot and headed for I-5 North. 

“I forgive ya, swee’har, dun worry abou’ it.” Norman kept you company for the drive to Misha’s house, talking about meeting new people in Australia for the wrap-up of season three. A tired sigh filtered through the space around you and you recognized the sound of exhaustion that came with Norman’s voice. 

“Hey, just one more week till Thanksgiving, you can stuff yourself silly and nap all day!” The laughter in your voice ebbed away when Norman snorted. 

“Nah, gotta work till Wednesday and I’m just hanging out in Georgia for the rest of the week. Gonna be kina quiet, Mingus is spending the week with ‘is mom - so it’s just gonna be me an’ Eye.” A quiet huff punctuated the statement. “Anyhow, ya prolly gettin’ close ta Misha’s place - I’ll talk ta ya later, gotta get back ta work.” After saying your goodbyes, the call ended just as you pulled into Misha’s driveway.

Sitting in the office chair behind his desk, you set to work organizing the newest information for the project that would replace Gishwhes. Although you’d never gotten the chance to participate in the scavenger hunt, the new version sounded just as fun. 

“Hey, [Y/F/N], can you call Jensen and ask if they’ll still be in Vancouver next week? I need a headcount for dinner.” 

Scribbling the note on a scrap piece of paper so you wouldn’t forget, you grabbed your phone to look up his number. 

“Oh! And Rachel is waiting on the final numbers from the Castiel ops we offered last weekend, can you email Creation and have them contact her please?” 

The task joined the one on your notepad as you continued to scroll through your now extensive contacts list. The sheer amount of phone numbers you’d received over the last week still surprised you. Muttering to yourself, you ran through the entries, 

“Briana, Kim, Jared...there, Jensen.” 

A text message from your sister came through just as you were about to call the Ackles'.

‘Hey love, won’t be home for Thanksgiving next week, Galen wants me to stay another few days. Love you.”

As your shoulders dropped at the news, you couldn’t say you weren’t disappointed, but you were happy she was having a good time. Pushing the thought from your mind, you went back to calling Jensen as you opened a blank email and sent the request for a financial report to the convention team.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

TAGS: @jamielea81 @wings-of-a-raven

#WildeFiction #Misha x Reader #Norman Reedus x Reader #Supernatural Fanfiction #SPN x RPF

[sectrakul]

[Something awesome] iteration #5

This iteration jump back to the software progress (since last time was hardware). After I finished facial detection software, this part provides security to this project. It is “Facial Recognition”. So in this blog, I would like to talk about a recognition algorithm I decided to use, the general concept of its and then explain about the code.

Facial Recognition vs. Facial Detection

Firstly, I would like to clarify that facial detection and facial recognition is different. The recognition one is built on top of the detection. To make it more clear, suppose there is an algorithm that can detect some kind of object, this is like a first filter that selects only an object that we interest, for example, a car. So to be able to separate all these objects into groups, object recognition is needed. It might separate between Honda and Toyota. Based on this idea, human face works the same way.

There are various algorithms in recognizing objects, Haar-cascade from last time is one of them. It is very efficient and provides high accuracy. However, it requires a neural network to generate and train the classifier and model (I had tried to read it but it is way too difficult from my current knowledge). I tried to find a way that can use all the stuff I had implemented and develop on the top of it and found one interesting algorithm called “Local Binary Patterns Histograms” algorithm.

Local Binary Patterns Histograms (LBPH)

I can say that this is one of the easiest facial recognition algorithms. So I thought the result might not be that good; however, it could provide surprisingly high accuracy with the trade-off in a large amount of memory required. 

Haar-Cascade usually takes less than 5 Mb while LBPH could skyrocket to more than 100Mb!.

Starting with how it works, the logic behind a clever classification is based on the intensity of the image in gray-scaled (I know what you are thinking, it is gray-scaled again!). 

This algorithm gets part of the given image (can be a sliding window) and calculate the intensity of the color in each pixel, then set the threshold in each window equal to the value at the center of it. For example the picture above, the value of the center pixel has 90. If it goes over 90, it will count as 1, otherwise 0.

After that, all these values are stored as a binary value ignoring the central one. So in this example is 10001101, then this value is converted into a decimal which is 141 (from 10001101). As you can see here, the range of the value is starting from 0 to 255 due to the fact that each 3x3 square ignoring central one is converted into 8 bits binary.

At the end of this algorithm, we could get a new generalized image that can represent the characteristics of the original one. Whether the input image is taken in a low-light environment, the threshold of each pixel will be reduced and resulting in similar LBP result picture. This result will be used in calculating the confidences value when performing face recognition;

The equation above is basically just a squire error of hist1 and hist2 which is the value from the classifier and the value from detected image. This result is called confidence. (Even the name is confidence, the lower confidences are better because it represents the error of the classifier). Then we can set a threshold such as having confidence lower than 0.3 means the right object is detected.

Creating classifier by using LBPH with openCV in python3

Python code for train_model.py

For this part, I implemented a program called train_model.py. It requires directory name “face_img/”, having a number of face images from create_dataset.py (this address which can be changed to something else in the code). 

Let’s start with the code in this program. This program is basically read all the training images and put them into Numpy-array by their id and sequence number. The pictures are in the format of “pic.id.sequnce_number” for example “pic.1.306″ is a picture of a person having id =  1 and the picture number 306.

All the training dataset will be converted into LBHP classifier by a built-in method in OpenCV called “LBPHFaceRecognizer_create()”, resulting in having “classifier.xml” to be used as a second layer, built on the top of the facial detection algorithm that I had done before. 

Implementing facial recognition by modifying facial detection

face_recog_LBPH.py

This part is the most difficult one for this whole iteration, but the whole idea is still pretty much the same as face_detection.py in the first iteration. There are 2 methods which are explained below.

detect(img, faceCascade, img_id, clf)

This method detect all the faces that are detected, can be both strangers and trained person.

draw_rect(img, classifier, scaleFactor, minNeighbours, color, clf)

This method would draw a rectangle around all the faces that are detected, can be both strangers and trained person.

For the parameters in both methods, there are several parameters which play a main role in this program. At least you need to understand them in order to implement it yourself. 

faceCascade

This is generally Haar-Cascade.xml classifier file. it is used in detecting every human face.

clf

This is the LBPH classifier that is produced from train_model.py, it is the one who takes responsibility for recognizing human faces due to their id.

Let’s start with the main program. The only different of this and face_detection.py is the third line. This creates an empty face classifier, which will be filled by our classifier.xml that was created before. Forever loop starts, all the facial recognition process performs inside, including capturing the frame from the front camera and passing it as a parameter into detect() method. Finally, then the program will be terminated once user press “q” key on the keyboard.

Moving on to the first method which is detect(). There is nothing much here because most of the logic is inside draw_rect(). However, most of the important parameters from the main program are passed into draw_rect() through this method.

The last and most important part is here!!!!!  Main logics are still the same as the first iteration program, but there are few lines that perform a recognition. As you can see here that the frame, captured from video, is converted into gray-scaled before being used by the classifier for face detection.

Then inside the for-loop, clf.predict(gray[y: y+h, x: x+w]) is called here. Keep calm... It is not that difficult even it looks confusing. Imagine that it requires 4 points on the image to draw a rectangle around the face. Starting from x to x+w is the range of the rectangle in the x-axis. Likewise in the y-axis, y to y+h are the starting and the ending position of the box.

This whole parameter mentioned above is basically the person's face in the picture. Then classifier will predict the id by comparing the confidence value and select the one that has a minimum error.

A bunch of conditional statements in the second half of the code will label the name of the result. It checks the result id along with its accuracy. I set it to be lower than 30 (the less confidence value = the more accurate in recognition). You can modify the label by put the name of each person in this area.

Finally, the facial recognition program will detect every single face that is in the camera range and labels everyone with specified names or “Unknown” for a stranger.

Facial recognition video simulation

Thanks to Zhen, Franklin, and Hyeonji for being my guest in testing accuracy in detecting many faces at the time.

To conclude

This iteration is the one that I really feel proud of myself the most. It is like I can finally see the good result from a whole time that I spent working on this. Although it produces a positive result, there is still an error or wrong recognition due to the fact that LBPH algorithm consumes heaps of memory which might not be the best solution when working on raspberry Pi which has a really big problem with computational and memory constraints.

I do not know that everything will be 100% works like testing on my laptop or not (Macbook pro mid-2015). With only 1 GB of ram and poor quality external Pi-camera. The next blog is going to be the last iteration for integrating both hardware and software side into a final product.

[nightcourtstarlight]

Garden Dancing part 2

Well, its been about 87 years since the fisrt part came out. sorry about that, school has been kicking my ass its been a rough time. But it here! FINALLY! and i’m happy to share it with you all! 

Oh and by the way, there will be atleast 5 more parts ( whoopie) and yes they are drafted and ya know.. they exist. 

Welp I dont know how good this part is but I’ll let you get to it!

Read the first part here on Ao3

@rosehallshadowsinger @daycourtsunlight

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

I listened as Feyre laughed brightly at something Cassian said. Rhys sat next to her, an arm draped around the back of the chair. They were the epitome of happiness, it radiated and glowed in the midday sun.

We were all gathered in the backyard of the new manor. Nesta and Cassian chatted quietly now. You could see what their conversation was about even if you couldn't hear the words telling by the way Cassian's lips brushed her ear ever so slightly and a red blush rose on nestas cheeks. I took note of how their fingers were tightly intertwined as they went back and forth in their discussion.

I sighed and looked away. So this was it. I'd finally become the third wheel. Not even Mor of Amren could keep me entertained, for they had gone to the summer court to see Varian. Who would have thought Amren would fall in love, though the last time one of us had pointed it out she promised to rip out our tongues. I shivered at the thought. Varian deserves a medal for being brave enough to pursue her.

Since both of my sisters had long forgotten about the conversation we were having I decided id take a walk through the very large garden. I discreetly stood and made my way to the rose garden. The sun streamed through the leaves of the tree overhead and warmed my skin. I let my fingers flutter over the soft rose petals as I wandered, lost in thought.

I wonder where Azriel is. Perhaps he was on a mission. Now that I think about it I haven't seen him in a few days. I hope he's ok. I chuckle to myself. That's silly, of course, he's fine. He's the shadow singer. SpyMaster of the night court.

I pluck a flower off of the bush and behind picking off the petals.

I wonder if he's eaten yet.

Just then I feel my muscles coil and tighten. My vision changes from me looking at the rose hudge to light filtering through wings and powder on a marble surface.

Just as quickly as it comes, I'm thrown back into reality. The flower drops out of my hand as I slump back on the bench. My head pounds with a dull ache.  

I don't even notice the shadows around me grow and stretch as I rub at my eyes, willing myself to make sense of the scene that just unfolded. Suddenly something starts blocking the sun. I look up, dazed, to see Azriel towering over me.

His arms were crossed and his wings were stretched out wide, blocking the sun.

My vision… I thought as I watched the sunlight illuminate every vain and tendon. Azriels eyes flicked over me from head to toe

“Are you ok, Elain?” Az unfolded his arms and slid onto the bench next to me. I sighed and laid my head on his shoulder. One arm came up to brush the hair out of my face while the other pulled me closer to him.

“It was a vision,” I murmured, letting his cool rainy forest scent soothe me.

“What about?” his fingers rubbed mall circles on my back.

"I saw wings, and I think-” I sighed feeling another dull throb pound through my head. At least it's getting better “ I think they were yours,”

“I see,” Az mumbled.

“How did you now?”

“My shadows tell me things. I like to keep tabs on important things and people,” Hi voice was smooth and deep as silk.

“I’m important?”

“Of course. Your my high lady’s sister,”

I tried not to feel the stab of pain in my heart at that. I wish he saw me as someone more than just the High Lady's sister because I see him as so much more than just the Spymaster of the night court.

“And you're my friend,” Warmth spread through my body at that. If friendship was all he was willing to give then I would take it, and cherish it for as long as I am able to.

“Where were you?” I asked

“So many questions today Love,”

“Well, you left me to sit between Feyre and Rhys blatant touching and Cassian and Nestas sexual tension,”

I was delightfully rewarded with a deep chuckle.

“I was meeting with some of my operatives,”

“I forgot you have your own people that work with you,”

“Good, that's the point,” he quipped. I could hear the amusement in his voice

I whacked him on the chest  “ Hey!” I squeaked. I couldn't help but smile though, he was just so charming.

“You're probably hungry, let's go find you something to eat,” He stood and pulled me to my feet. I looped my arm through him as he leads us through the garden. The sun was now lower in the sky. Sunset was probably only a few hours away. I listened to the bumbling rush of the Sidra as we walked. Honestly, I was surprised it didn’t cut right through the garden.

I peeked up at Azriel, taking note of his relaxed expression. Usually, he always had a slight frown on his full plump lips, but today he looked at ease.

“You’re staring," he chuckled

“ Am not! I-I just noticed how peaceful you look,” I trailed off, praying he wouldn’t see the blush on my cheeks.

“You’re very easy to be around,”

“Thank you. You are too,”

We finally made it out of the rose grove and swiftly walked past the couples.

“I might blind myself if I have to see their touching one more time," Azriel muttered so low I almost didn’t catch it. I laughed and bumped my shoulder into his.  

“Az!”

I swear a tinge of red color his cheeks, but he merely shrugged as we slipped into the kitchen.

Az walked over to the pantry and pulled the doors open wide. I heard him rummaging as I came to stand by the sink.

“What do you want to eat?” he asked

“Perhaps we can make summer corn chowder. I know Nuala just bought fresh tomatoes.”

“That sounds lovely,”

We began gathering ingredients. Az found spices while I gathered corn, tomatoes and other things to make the soup. We made quick work of putting the ingredients together. I watched, spellbound, as he chops the vegetables. The way the knife glides in his hands with ease. The flex of his wrist and furrow of his brow as he concentrates. My cheeks catch on fire as his gaze flickers up to mine and lingers for a moment before dropping back down to the counter. Luckily he doesn’t say anything, but a small smirk does play on his lips.

I hum and turn back to the stove. The soup bubbles and releases a heavenly scent as I slowly stir it. I feel my stomach rumble and idly think that I hadn't realized how hungry I was. When was the last time I ate today anyway? I had a pastry and tea with Nula this morning. She had come over for brunch and I was slightly surprised Cerridwen wasn't with her. "Duty calls" was all Nuala offered when I had asked. I took that as a sign not to push. Perhaps it was a mission for Azriel, and best to know less about it.

I startled out of my thoughts as Azriel reaches his long, solid arms around me to dump the chopped peppers and tomatoes into the pot. His scent wraps around me and I bite my cheek to keep from breathing it in. Azriel moves away and comes to lean against the counter, popping a chunk of tomato in his mouth as he does so.

“When's the last time you ate today Azriel?” I stammered, reaching for anything to fill the silence. Usually, I had no problem sitting in that comfortable silence with Azriel. It was always a kind of content comfort with him, to just know that you didn't need to continuously fill the gaps in conversation. That it was ok to just… drift.

But with the way Azriel had his curious inquisitive face on, ( it all showed in his swirling hazel eyes), I found myself a bit more nervous to just let him blurt out whatever he was bound to say. This had been the first thing that came to my mind.

He considered it for a moment, chewing on a piece of pepper thoughtfully this time before saying. “ I had an apple for breakfast”

“An apple? That’s it?” I frowned a turned to him. I should have suspected, with the way he had to think about it. He merely nodded and started munching on an apple that was in a fruit bowl on the counter. That also explains the snacking. “Az you need to eat more than just an apple! Look at you, you’re as big as a barn!”

Another smirk played on his lips as I reprimanded “Stop snacking Az. You'll ruin your appetite!” he released an easy chuckle and finished off the apple, chucking the core in the compost bin. I sighed and turned back to the soup. It was nearly done thankfully. I gave it a few turns as I asked: “Why don’t you eat often Azriel?”

“I eat often,”

I laminated a stare at him. He bit his lip and mumbled, “Ok maybe not as much as I should but I do...”

“Why?”

“Cassian used to do the cooking, but he stopped because I'm too picky of an eater. I've been managing though,” He looked so bashful as he said it. I willed a wall of ice to form over my heart like Nesta. Az is my friend and nothing more, but despite my best efforts, his sincere shyness seemed to melt through it anyway.

“Hmm,”  I hummed and walked over to the cabinet where the bowls were kept. I flick open the door and just as I start reaching up on the tips of my toes, Az’s shadow laced hand reaches up and grabbed the bowls.

“Thanks,” I smile up at him, but try not to linger. After moving back to the stove I quickly pour him a bowl of soup and slice off a piece of bread to go along with it.

I set it on the counter and push it towards him “Eat Azriel,” I say.

His eyes flicker from my face to the bowl, back to my face, back to the bowl again before he slowly picked up the spoon and took a bite.

Satisfied, Elain got to work making sandwiches to go with the soup. No one can just have soup for lunch and not grow hungry within the hour, she thought as she sliced another tomato. She then pulled sliced turkey breast and cheese from the icebox and bread from the bread box.

“How do you like your sandwich?” she asked

“You don't have to, I’m pic-,”

“It's really no problem Az," She interrupted smoothly.

Azriel pressed his lips together into a hard line before he sighed and murmured a few directions. “Can you put mayo on one slice of bread and Mustard on the other?” Elain beamed and started spreading the condiments. Then he spoke “Two lettuce leaves on the mayo side please and then a thick slice of tomato,”

Elain felt her lips quirk as he ground out his order as if asking for a simple sandwich made the way he likes it brings him physical pain. He then bashfully instructed her to put a healthy slice of cheddar on top of the tomato.

When Az’s uncomfortable shuffling finally fell silent she looked up just as she was about to put a slice of turkey on to top it off.

“Anything else Az?” she asked. She watched, bemused as he gnawed on his bottom lip, yes actually chewing it off, before he sighed and said “I actually prefer ham,”

“ Ok, that's fine!” Elain trilled as she walked over to the ice box and swapped the turkey for sliced ham. Now that she thought about it, she probably should have asked what meat Azriel wanted in the first place instead of just grabbing turkey.

Elain finally returned to the counter and finished assembling the sandwich. She put it on a plate and added another bowl of soup just to be safe and slid it across the counter. Az looked down at the plate and then back up.

“Az! Stop looking guilty and just eat it before I do!” A small smile flickered across his face and his shoulder relaxed an inch as he finally took a bite of the sandwich. He released a low hum that for a moment sounded like something… very different.... His eye flickered shut for a moment and he finished chewed and swallowed. In no time Elain assembled her own and took up a spot next to Azriel. When they finally flickered back open his gaze locked with her own.

“Good?”

“Perfect!” and the smile he had on his face could have lit up any darkness. The night sky its self.

Then we ate in silence for a few moments. Azriel ate his sandwich in record time.  There wasn't a crumb left. By the time I had finished my own he was polishing off his second bowl of soup.

“Az eating is important, everyone needs to do it, Fae or not,”

“I know,”

"I could”I trailed off, gathering my courage," I could help you. I wouldn't mind making your lunch or breakfast,” I peeked at him from the corner of my eye and saw he was staring at me with a look I couldn't place. Wonder, confusion, curiosity?

“I couldn't ask that of you Elain,”

“You don't have to. It would make me feel better to know you're eating right,”

“You really don't have to-,”

“Az,” I drawled as he scooped up our empty bowls and plates and put them in the sink

He sighed and turned back to face me. His eyes were bright but his bottom lip was caught between his white teeth. “If you feel you must you can, but just remember I don't expect you to make my meals. I can take care of myself Elain,”

“I know that,” I said gently and came to stand next to him by the sink. I picked up a towel and began drying the dishes he had washed. We finished in silence and I passed him the towel to dry his hands on. His hair fell into his eyes as he swiped the cloth over his intricately scared hands. I heart speed up as I gazed at him. He was by far the most handsome male I'd ever seen, from his scars to his cool indifferent looks. My heart started to pound as I leaned up on the tips of my toes and pressed a butterfly's kiss to his tan cheek.

“It's my pleasure Azriel, thank you for allowing me to help you like how you help me every day,” I whispered. He was still as stone as I stepped away and walked out of the kitchen. My cheeks burned as I grabbed my cloak and swung it over my shoulders, eager to leave before my legs gave out.

It's ok, I thought. Friends are allowed to gives kisses on the cheek. It wasn't like it was long. Merely a brush of the lips! A show of endearment.

Why was her heart beating like a hummingbird's wings then?

Az was frozen by the sink, where Elain had left him. The sensation of her lips pressed against his skin still ghosted his cheek with warmth. His hands balled into fists and he struggled to regain my thoughts.

Elain is my friend. It was a friendly kiss on the cheek, and nothing more. It would be improper to of him to think of it as anything more than that. And worst for him to think of it for longer than this moment, Azriel thought as he started putting the dishes away.

Yes, he would just forget about it. It was safer that way. Elain was his kind and noble friend.

Yet... he couldn't help but wish there could be something more...

No! He shook his head at that and kicked a cabinet closed. Elain had a mate and... he was ... he was him. Scared and bruised and broken with too many years trapped in darkness. How could he ever put that on Elain? shed already been through so much and didn't deserve to be weighed down with him.

He should just be content with the fact that she allowed him to be her friend, he thought with dismay.

Azriel had just finished putting away the dished when Rhysand and Cassian barged into the kitchen with a loud clatter.

"This is why we can't have nice things in this house," Azriel sighed and walked over to righting the picture frame they had knocked over.

"Why are you brooding Az? It's not even 5 o'clock yet, too early for brooding," Cassian quipped as he went to the icebox. He was obviously drunk as a sailor.

"Why are you Drunk Cassian? It's not even 5 o'clock," Azriel ground out, throwing the words back into his face. His shadows swirled around him as his mood worsened. I wasn't in the mood to deal with his drunk, idiot brothers.

Rhys and Cassian shared a look before Rhysand murmured into his cup "Is it Elain?"

Azriel ground his teeth together, feeling his wings flare a bit at the mention of the exact subject of his thoughts. "No"

"Right," Cassian said, who had returned from the icebox with a new bottle of wine. " Try not to brood too much az, she's crazy about you,"He said and disappeared out the door with Rhys following behind.

Azriel heaved and aggravated sigh before flexing his wings and disappearing into the shadows, eager to get away from his annoyingly intrusive brothers.

_Elain_

The next morning I awoke a bit earlier than usual and got dressed. Azriel is probably already awake, I thought as I looked through my cabinets for something suitable to make. After a bit of contemplation and a large mug of blueberry green tea, I decided on a classic that I knew Azriel liked. On the odd occasion that we all had breakfast together like after Starfall or on Feyre’s birthday, he would order 3 fried eggs, toast, and fried ham.

Getting to Azreils house was simple enough. He had told me the address the night he had taken me out for dinner. I strode up to his dark wood front door with my cloth covered basket and knocked.

There was silence for a moment before footsteps pounded towards the door and it swung open on silent hinges.

Azriel filled the entire threshold, dressed in a grey training tunic and leather training pants. His hair fell into his eyes, still wet from a shower. I hadn't realized I was starting until he blinked at me and ushered me inside with a soft come in.

“Just get done training?”

“Yes but I,” he rubbed the back of his neck “I hadn't expected you so soon,”

His house was minimally but nicely decorated. The walls were a pale grey and he had a painting probably made by Feyre of a cliff overlooking an ocean on the far wall. He had a couch and two white chars over an eggshell white rug. It was lovely.

“You must be hungry,” I said and turned back to him. His lips quirked in the lightest of smiles

“A bit,” he took the basket from me and started walking towards the kitchen. When he saw I hadn't followed he turned back to me with a curious look.

“Oh uh, I really should be going. I was just going to drop it off-,”

In two stride he was in front of me again. His beautify hand gently circled my wrist and pulled me forward. “Eat with me Elain, please. I wouldn't feel right just taking it,”

My stubborn front crumbled like a cracker and I finally allowed him to lead me to the kitchen. It was also simple, with grey-black marble countertops and white cabinets. He pulled out my chair for me to sit and began unpacking the food. He then grabbed some plates and forks.

We ate in near silence, only parted but the occasional question I asked or he asked. It was a comfortable silence that I could only share with Azriel.

We were washing the dishes together when a clock’s bell somewhere in the house struck out noon.

“Oh, it’s late! I’m sorry Az I have to go. Nesta wants me to go with her to the Library under the House of Wind,” I folded the navy towel I was holding and placed it by the sink. Azriel nodded and lead me back to the front door with a hand on the small of my back “I had a lovely time with you, but I always do,” I said with a wink as I pulled my cloak over my shoulders. Azriel leaned against the door frame with a content smile.

“As did I and the food was delicious by the way,”

“Thank you,” I smiled at him, feeling a blush rise to my cheeks. I cursed myself on the inside, stop blushing every time Azriel pays you a compliment! Azriel opened his mouth to say something and then closed it. He rightened himself and rubbed the back of his neck, letting his mouth open and close with unsaid words again.

Eventually, he settled on “Goodbye Elain,”

I felt myself deflate with that. What had he been trying to say? I nodded and let my eyes drop to look at the basket in my hands. “Goodbye Azriel,” I said with a small smile and finally swept down the stone path and out into the noonday sun.

.Thanks for reading!

#Azriel #elriel #elain archeron #elain x azriel #cooking #Feysand #nessian #cassian #nesta archeron #feyre #feyre archeron #rhysand #the inner circle #truthteller

[lolainblue]

Presque Vu -- Chapter 30

A/N Well here we go again. Thank you for every one that is still on board. I don’t know if the tag list is up to date or not, so if you want to be tagged but aren’t, or if you’re tagged but don’t want to be, please let me know. 

    ********************************************

   When Raina got into work on Wednesday morning the studio was strangely silent and empty. She brought up the main lights as she passed toward her workstation, swallowing dryly as she scanned the eerily vacant space around her. Before she could get settled in, Val appeared at her side, his brow furrowed.

   “Come back to my office and have a seat, Raina. I'm afraid I have some news,” he requested. He didn't wait to see if she complied, simply turning around and retreating to his office. Raina dried her palms on her skirt before following him.

   Once she had had a seat across from his desk Val slowly puffed his cheeks and let the air gradually pass through his parsed lips. “You know, the media industry has been going through a lot of changes,” he began. “Traditional media, print publications, have been the hardest hit. We have been trying to reimagine ourselves here and keep up with the times but I'm afraid it just hasn't been enough.”

   Raina shifted in her seat, again wiping her sweating palms against the cool fabric of her skirt. This can't be happening the voice in her head thundered but she was certain she knew where all this was going. She tried to keep her breathing slow and even, determined not to let the panic bubbling in her stomach overtake her. The rest of Val's speech roared past her ears like the wash from a jet engine. The publishing company that owned their magazine along with several others was restructuring departments for better efficiency. The art department the studio fell under was being merged with the others and 75 percent of the overall staff from the three were being let go. There was no more job for her here. Her internship for the final portion of her MFA was gone. Her job, her education, pulled out from under her in one swift blow.

   “Dammit, Raina, I am so sorry,” Val reached out and placed his hand over hers. He was easily the most distant person Raina had ever worked with and the gesture startled her. “I want you to know I fought hard to keep you. You're the best damn assistant I've had in 20 years in this business.”

   “What?” Raina looked at Val in puzzlement. He had always been so gruff with her. She had felt as if she were constantly struggling to please him and consistently disappointing him. It had never occurred to her that her efforts were even noticed, let alone appreciated. “I thought that...”

   Val shook his head. “I know. I'm not the easiest boss to have. But you never let it bother you and you were always unfailingly professional and competent, no matter what I threw at you. You always seemed to understand exactly what I wanted. I hate like hell that it is ending this way.” He took his hand back and started shuffling through the folders on his desk “There's a small severance package but...' he cleared his throat as he continued to rifle through the stack, finding one and handing it to her. “There's also a list of some available job opportunities in there that you might be interested in. I'm sorry I don't know if they will meet your internship requirements for your school program,  you'll have to check with them on that. There's also a list of some contacts of mine, people in the industry who might be able to assist you if you find yourself struggling. Just tell them I referred you and they'll help you out if they can. I also included the most glowing letter of recommendation I could come up with. I hope it helps. My personal information is in there too, you can call me if you need me to give someone an extra nudge.”

   “Wow Val, that's very generous.” Raina was completely blown away by his gesture, and as she clutched the little brown binder in her lap she could feel tears welling up behind her eyes that weren't due to the sudden job loss.

   “It's the least I could do after they pulled the rug out from under you like this. Oh and there's something else.” Val reached around to the other side of his desk and pulled out a large deep blue leather portfolio which he handed to Raina. “I want you to have this. I started it when you first started with us. It's all your work, well the best of it anyway. I had intended to fill it until you graduated, to give it to you as a memento of your time here and to show how much you had progressed. I am sorry I won't be able to finish it for you but it does give you something to present to prospective employers.”

   Raina smoothed her hand over the expensive leather before opening it up, flipping through the oversized pages to see shots she had set up and taken over the course of the year she had worked there. She could really see how much she had grown under Val's tutelage. It was true he had been a difficult boss but he had been an amazing teacher, and she was bereaved to be losing him, more than the job itself. “This is amazing and so thoughtful. Thank you.”

   Val nodded and stood up, their exchange clearly over. “Do you need any help in gathering your things and getting them to your car? I know you keep a few things here in the office. I have some boxes for you....”

   “No, thank you. I can manage to pack it all up myself,” Raina responded, walking back to her desk. She was still in a bit of a daze as she looked around, trying to think of what to pack.

   Val appeared momentarily with a few boxes which he sat down with a mysterious smile. Raina took the lid off the first one to begin loading her things into it and found it was full of equipment, lenses and filters and one of the older cameras they didn't use very often. “Uhm, Val? There's a camera and things in this one.”

   “No there isn't,” Val called back from across the room.

   “Yeah, it's one of the old Nikons.”

   “No. There's nothing in there,” Val said again more firmly while smiling at her. The lightbulb went on in Raina's head and she couldn't hold back the grin that erupted on her face. The camera was far nicer than any she owned, and the lenses themselves were worth a small fortune. She wasn't sure how he was going to explain their disappearance, probably would write them off in the confusion of combining the various departments, but she was deeply grateful for the gift. As horrible as this morning was, Val's behavior was certainly softening the blow.

   Once she was sure she had gathered everything Val walked her out to her car, carrying a third box of god only knew what and tucking it into the back seat with the others once she had loaded them up. She handed him her ID badge before climbing into the driver's seat. “Thank you for the opportunity. Thank you for being such a good teacher,” she said as he leaned in her window.

   “Don't let this derail you. It's one small setback and it's nothing to do with you or your talent or abilities. It's just bad luck. I know you're going to go on to great things if you want to.” He gave the car door a couple of raps and then turned to go back inside.

   Raina watched him disappear back into the building before her gaze fell back to the steering wheel in front of her. It was just after 10 a.m. on a weekday. She had no idea what to do with herself. The thought of starting her job search immediately sounded way to overwhelming. She scanned the parking lot, wondering why she hadn't registered when she came in how empty it was today. With a sudden clutch of panic, she looked around for Cassie's car, but the powder blue Fiat was nowhere to be seen. She quickly fished her phone out of her bag.

   “Raina?” Cassie picked up on the first ring. “Oh my god I've been hanging by the phone waiting for you to call. They wouldn't tell me who was staying and who was being let go....”

   “Me.” Raina thought her voice sounded strangely flat and she figured she was still in a bit of a shock. “I was let go.”

   “Fuck, Raina, I'm so sorry. They're keeping me...”

   “Of course they're going to keep the pregnant lady. They look like real bastards if they don't.”

   “But honestly I didn't even care. I probably could have used the time off. I was so worried about you. What is this going to do to your MFA program? Can you find somewhere else?”

   “I don't know. It's kind of late. I suppose if worse comes to worse I can work for a year and pick it back up later.”

   “No, that's terrible! There has to be something!”

   “I don't....” It all rushed in on her then, the enormity to which she was screwed. She didn't make much at the magazine and her savings were meager. She hadn't checked the folder but she was sure her severance package was not particularly generous and there was no way she was going to be able to pay L.A. rent on an unemployment stipend, no matter how modest that little apartment of hers was. She was going to have to find something quickly. She could feel the panic building again, her throat starting to close as her fingers went numb and heart raced, and she had to close her eyes and breathe through to the next moment.

   “Raina? Raina!” She could hear Cassie calling to her through the phone, her voice distant. Raina focused on the sound of it until she began to feel in control again.

   “I'm here. I'm trying not to freak out but I'm here,” Raina confirmed, her hands shaking.

   “Well stop being there and come over here right now. It's beer and pizza night anyway. We can start with the beer early. Well, you can start with the beer. I think I'm having apple juice.”

   “I don't know, Cass. It's only ten in the morning and I think maybe I should save my money since I don't know how long this is going to last...”

   “Oh don't be ridiculous. You're going to find a new job like that. You're amazing. Besides, no one said you had to spend any money. My treat. Pizza and ice cream and sympathy, free of charge. And all the booze you want too if you choose to go that route. Just get your skinny ass over here.”

   Part of Raina wanted to go home and hide under her quilt and watch Netflix. Here was a giant crisis just lying in her way, spilled across the road like an upended gravel truck. It was the perfect excuse to tuck tail and run. But she could hear Val telling her she was bound for great things. She could hear Shannon's voice in her head, telling her to stop quitting. And here was Cassie, a real and true friend, who wasn't looking to take advantage of the situation. A friend who, instead of thinking of herself had immediately worried about Raina's situation, who was standing by with open arms. She was stronger than her fear, she told herself. She wasn't going to fall apart again. The people in her life now weren't the ones that she had chosen then. It was time to find out if she had made better choices this time around.

   “I'll be there in an hour. I need to stop by my place and drop some things off first and change.”

   “Okay, but you had better mean it. Don't you disappear on me,” Cassie admonished.

   “I won't. I promise.”

*********************************

 Raina was cross-legged on Cassie's living room floor, halfway through her bottle of wine and laughing hysterically while Cassie described her latest attempt at accommodating her growing belly and function normally when her phone rang. A quick glance at the screen told her it was Shannon.

   “Hey handsome,” she giggled into the receiver as she picked it up.

   “Well someone is in a good mood,” he responded.

   “Oh no. I'm just fighting back panic and hysteria,” Raina told him as her voice steadied.

   “Uhm... I'm not sure how to respond to that. What's happening?” Shannon asked.

   “Oh, the magazine just laid off three-quarters of its staff. Including me. And that was my internship for my last two semesters for my degree so I'm not just broke, I'm completely screwed. But hey, I've got a bottle of wine and Cassie can't tie her shoes without falling over so it's handled.”

   “Uhm... again I'm not sure how to respond to that. I'm really sorry about your job though. I was just calling to see if you still wanted to get together this evening for the pizza thing. We've been working but Jared didn't want you to be alone for the first time you've ever invited us into your life, so he's kicking me out of here to come see you.”

   “Aww, my boyfriends are so sweet!” I giggled into the phone. “I'll text you the address.”

   “Your friends, they know that...”

   “This is all between us. They're cool. Just get your gorgeous ass over here,” I told him. Cassie started laughing again and topped off my wine glass.

   “All right, Rainy girl. I'll be over in an hour or so. Are you drinking? Don't get sloppy drunk before I even get to see you, you hear me?”

   “Yes, sir,” Raina responded. “Oh no wait, that's Jared.”

   “It's me if that'll get you to listen any better. I'll see you soon.”

*******************************************  

   When Shannon finally arrived it was closer to two hours later, but when Raina greeted him at the door he had a pastry box in one hand and a huge mixed bouquet in the other.

   “What on earth?” Raina exclaimed as he handed her the flowers.

   “Those are from Jared. We're sorry you lost your job.” He leaned in and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek as she pulled the card out of the bouquet.

   So sorry. Call if you need me. XOXO ~J

   Raina clutched the card to her chest and led Shannon through the house to where Cassie was waiting. “You remember Cassidy, right?”

   Shannon smiled. “How could I forget? How have you been?”

   “Fat,” Cassie said with a smirk. “But not for too much longer. Great flowers Raina. What's that?” She asked as she pointed at the box Shannon was holding.

   “Oh. The flowers are from Jared but this is from me. It's one of those pies we got on our second date, the one you loved so much.”

   Raina gasped in delight. “The whiskey pecan one from that Chophouse?” Shannon nodded. Raina squealed and took the box from him. “Cassie, get a couple of forks, You're going to love this.”

   Cassie laughed and took the flowers from her. “I'll put these in some water first so they don't die before you can take them home.”

   Once Cassie had disappeared into the kitchen Shannon slipped his arms around Raina, pulling her close against him before pressing his lips to her forehead. She could feel herself relaxing, a deep sigh winding it's way out from her chest as his scent surrounded her.

   “How are you holding up?” he asked gently. Raina shrugged. “It's going to be okay. Don't quit on me.”

   Raina couldn't help but roll her eyes. “You know I had a bit of a panic when it started to set in what was actually happening and I could hear you in my head saying that same exact thing.”

   “Good. That means I”m getting through that thick skull of yours.”

   “Maybe,” she conceded. “I'm not going to pretend like I'm not scared as hell right now. It feels a little bit like I'm back to where I was before I came out here. Like I haven't made any progress at all. But I am kind of realizing I have.”

   Shannon kissed her forehead again. “You can do this. I know you can. But I wish you'd open up and tell me what your story is. I feel like I could be so much more supportive if I knew where you were coming from.”

   Maybe it was the bottle of wine she had finished off earlier but this time when Shannon asked about her past, she didn't feel the trepidation she usually did. There was no flutter of her heart, or flip of her stomach, or strangely sweaty palms. Maybe she was finally ready. “Okay.”

   Shannon blinked at her. “Okay? Really? Just like that?”

   She gave his chest a gentle shove. “Don't make me rethink this. Sit down with me over that pie and I'll tell you the whole thing.”

   He kissed her again on the cheek and Raina turned her head, catching his mouth and opening it softly,, feeling her mind settle at the familiarity of him. She felt safe here, in his arms, in Cassie's living room. Safer than she had in years. And for once she wasn't thinking about how it could all be taken from her. She was finally in the moment.

    @msroxyblog @nikkitasevoli@maliciousalishious@meghan12151977 @fyeahproudglambert @pheenixpeterson

#shannon leto fanfiction #jared leto fanfiction #shannon leto fic #jared leto fic #30 seconds to mars fanfiction #30stm #Presque Vu

[caffeinehighnerd]

All Too Well

College AU

Pairing(s): Sehun x Reader x Kai (ft. Jungkook)

Warnings: Language, sexual undertones, references to anxiety and depression

Part 1/?

The party is loud. 

That’s the first thing you register - not the suspicious stains on the wall, or the throng of hot, sweaty bodies, or the fact that no one in here is even slightly as sober as you are  but the sheer volume. The song is one those overplayed ones from the last decade, the kind that shouldn’t have been allowed to become as popular as it did in the first place. People are singing along to the words, most of them too drink to be embarrassed by their off-key pitch, and you can practically feel your ears bleeding as you stumble further into the dark room.

Usually, this is the last place you’d ever want to be. It’s your first semester of your second year of college, and you’ve already figured out, in spite of that crushing feeling of oh my god am I wasting the best years of my life that grows inside your stomach every time it’s Friday night and you’re scrolling through other people’s Instagram stories while in bed in your dorm room with a face mask on, that parties aren’t really your scene. You’d been to a few last year, but always with a group. And even then, you’d mostly just sit on the sidelines and observe, laughing at Baekhyun’s ill-formulated jokes and Chanyeol’s wild stories when he’d reached that point in the night where his filter started to break down. Sana would pass you a drink every once in a while, at least when she wasn’t too distracted by Suho, and you would always accept it with a sweet smile, albeit only taking a sip or two before passing it off to Jongin. He’d laugh, fingers brushing yours as he took the cup, his breath stirring your hair. 

“I don’t understand how you drink that stuff,” you’d say with a mock-shudder as he downed whatever was left inside your cup. 

He’d just smile at you, shaking his head slightly. “You’ll get it when you’re older.” 

You’d frown at that, smacking his shoulder. Not that it would do too much - in spite of his lithe figure, his arms were all hard, lean muscle. “Hey. You’re only a year older than me.” 

“Yeah, but you’re still so innocent,” he’d say with a soft smile, a certain fondness in his eyes that you didn’t quite understand. Sometimes, you want to tell him that he’s wrong, that they all are, that you aren’t nearly as inexperienced and naive as they all think you are, but then you’d just be messing everything up, wouldn’t you? After all, that’s your role: the young, cute one, the one that needs protecting, the one that doesn’t understand. 

Fuck, you’re so tired of pretending. 

Maybe that’s why you’d lied to Seulgi and Sana about having too much homework to go to Chen’s birthday dinner tonight. Why you’d switched off your phone, pulled on your shortest, tightest dress, lined your eyes with dark pencil, your lips in deep red. Why you take the cup the guy behind the keg places in front of you with a smile that’s slightly too bright, making sure he notices the way the strap of your dress falls off your shoulder as you take a sip. You can’t control your reaction to the taste, though, and you pray he doesn’t notice the way you gag slightly as the warm beer slides down your throat. 

He smirks, telling you he probably does, but you see the glint of interest in his eyes nonetheless. 

Sana would call this pure laziness - settling for the first guy you’d seen after stepping into the party - but in truth, he’s also very attractive. He’s hot in a messy, no fucks given type of way. His hair is wavy and maybe just an inch too long, falling into his eyes a bit. He wears a hoop earring in each ear, and you think his nails might be painted black. His jeans are tight and dark, matching the black V-neck he wears, a light hoodie thrown on top. He’s the exact opposite of your type, and that’s exactly why you’re going to fuck him tonight. 

You’ve been much of a dancer, but it’s easier when you have some alcohol in your system. The taste is still disgusting, but you grow somewhat numb to it after your fifth cup. The guy laughs every time you go up to grab a new one, even murmuring one time, “If I were your boyfriend, I might tell you to slow down.” 

“It’s a good thing you’re not then,” you shoot back, and he holds your gaze for a moment before biting his lip and looking away. 

You dance until you’re hot and sweaty and at least three drunk guys have accidentally elbowed you in the face. Two of them hit on you after doing so, though, so your ego isn’t as bruised as the side of your face is now. You especially hate parties like this, though, the kind thrown by frats who charge at the door and don’t look too closely at ID, knowing that high school kids are more than willing to throw away $10 for a night of free beer and trying their luck with college girls they hope are too wasted to notice the guy grinding on them still has braces and hasn’t quite gotten the hang of shaving yet. Running a hand absently through your hair, you abandon the dance floor, making your way to the keg stand. The guy from before is still there, this time with a friend. They’re talking in low voices, but they both glance up when you approach. 

“We’re not serving any more drinks tonight.” The second guy - who’s slightly taller and looks a little older than you both - shoots you a polite smile, his gaze lingering for a moment on the way your dress hugs the curve of your breasts. 

“I’m not here for a drink.” Sober you would definitely not be this blunt. 

The first guy laughs, although his cheeks are flushed a light pink, moving away from his friend. “I’ll take care of this,” he says breezily, stepping out from behind the table. He’s taller than you’d realized, maybe close to six feet, and he might be wearing eyeliner. Is it weird that this turns you on? Because it definitely does. 

The guy laughs again, and you realize you’d spoken out loud. 

Your face turns beet red, but he only looks amused. “Should we take this somewhere else?” he asks, leaning forward so that his mouth is at the tip of your ear. His breath is warm, and it makes your stomach flip. 

“Yeah,” you reply a little shakily, your voice almost a whisper, and he grabs you gently by the wrist, tugging you along until your inside one of the frat house’s bedrooms. You wonder if it’s his, if he’s in this frat - though, to be honest, he seems like the exact opposite of every frat guy you’ve ever encountered - or if he’s just taking advantage of the vacated room for the next odd forty-five minutes or so that the two of you will likely know each other. 

He locks the door behind the two of you, then gives you a quick once-over, his eyes dark. The look on his face is skeptical though, and you squirm a little, tugging at your dress and hoping he can’t see right through you. 

“Is this having sex with a stranger at some random frat party a regular thing for you?”

“Bold of you to assume we’re going to have sex.” 

“Oh, please.” He waves his hand dismissively. “You’re the one who’s been looking at me like I’m your next meal from the second you walked in the door.” 

Your cheeks heat. “I was not!” 

“Don’t worry.” The guy leans a little closer, smirking gently. “I was looking right back at you.” 

You swallow. Hard. 

He opens his mouth to continue when his phone buzzes. He looks down at it, swiping across the screen and taking a hit at your self-esteem at the same moment, as you settle back against the bed sheets, crossing your legs. It makes your skirt ride up to indecent lengths, and you blush. He’s not even looking at you, though, and it makes you feel a small, like you’re a little girl trying to pretend to be something she’s not. 

“I can hear you thinking.” The guy has slipped his phone back into his pocket and is now surveying you closely. “I was right before, wasn’t I? This isn’t something you usually do.” 

There’s something in his voice that gives you pause. The way he seemingly sees right through you, despite only having laid eyes on you one hour ago, and also the lack of insult or scorn in his tone. He doesn’t sound derisive or mocking, only curious. 

You debate lying, then give a small nod. “I’m not really into hooking up.” You pause, looking away. “At least not anymore.” 

“So why are you here tonight?” He tilts his head to the side, surveying you. “Let me guess. You’re tired of being Miss Perfect and you want a way to piss off your parents for the night.” 

You blanch at the mention of parents, gut twisting, and regret crosses his face instantly. “Ah, shit. Was that a sores spot?” He rubs the back of his neck nervously, crossing the room to sit on the bed next to you. Without hesitation, he picks up your hand and strokes the back of it gently, hot thigh brushing against your leg. 

You breathe out, the tight feeling in your chest loosening slightly as you focus on the way his long fingers look against the harsh white of your own knuckles. They’re covered in small scars and you shift your intertwined hands slightly so that you can run your thumb along a particularly nasty one. 

“How did you get these scars?” 

If he notices your abrupt change in subject, he doesn’t comment on it. “Guitar strings. My parents wanted me to get lessons, but I was always too hyper to sit through an hour with a teacher. So, I tried to teach myself. Mostly from Youtube videos. I fucked up a lot, though, hence the fingers.” 

You smile a little at that, easily able to picture him in his teenage bedroom, guitar in hand, letting out little swears every time a string accidentally caught his finger. 

“What about you?” He prods a burn on your right knuckle. It’s almost healed now, but the skin is slightly darker than the surrounding area. “That one looks like it hurt.”

“Ah. Freshman year chemistry lab. I accidentally put my hand above an open flame.” You poke the small nick on the inside of his wrist. 

He winces ruefully. “I worked in my uncle’s sushi restaurant for a summer in high school. Turns out, knives are a lot sharper than they look.” 

You laugh without meaning to. The guy looks faintly surprised, like he’s not used to people finding him amusing. 

“You’re not what I expected,” you say, turning to look at him. He’s so pretty, and without thinking, you reach out to push away a  strand of hair that’s fallen into his eyes. He catches your wrist as you pull back, his smile changing as his eyes flicker down to your lips. 

“How so?”

You pause, considering for a moment before you speak. “Your vibe is kind of like you’re above it all, too cool to really give a shit you know? I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s hot. But I think, deep down, you’re actually a big softie.” 

He laughs, his breath fanning across your lips. “Is that supposed to be a compliment?”

“I don’t know,” you say honestly, and then he’s kissing you.

God. How long has it been since you’ve been kissed like this? His hands reach up to cup your jaw, fingers tangling in your hair, and his tongue flicks gently against your lips, coaxing your mouth open. You grip his shoulders tightly, leaning back so you’re lying on the couch, bringing his body to rest above yours. He’s careful in a way you wouldn’t expect of him, holding himself up so not to crush you, keeping his hands clear of any boundaries he might need to ask permission to cross.

“My dress zips in the back,” you mutter against his mouth and you feels him smile against your neck before reaching around. He fumbles a little with the zipper, which tells you he probably doesn’t do this kind of thing as often as you think he does, but eventually it comes off. You ball up his hoodie and fling it to the other side of the room, followed by his t-shirt. He’s got a great body, the kind you only see in magazines or on TV, and you lets out a groan of appreciation, momentarily forgetting to feel embarrassed that with the dress gone, you’re only wearing your underwear. That fact clearly hasn’t escaped his mind, though, and he quickly busies himself with kissing along your chest. But then his hand curves along your rib cage, finding that one spot, and you shivers involuntarily, the hold he has on her breaking.

“Hey,” he frowns, looking down at you. “We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”

“I do,” you say automatically and then, to your horror, feel a hot lump in your throat. “I really, really do. I just...I don’t know what’s wrong.” All the wonderful sensations you’d been experiencing just thirty seconds earlier have mysteriously vanished and now you just feels like crying. He’s hot, clearly skilled with his mouth and his hands, and actually a decent guy. So why can’t you bring herself to do this?

 He must sense that you’re on the verge of tears, because he quickly sits up, smoothing a hand along your hair. “Hey, it’s ok. I get it. We can stop.”

 “It’s not you,” you say, sitting up as well as you use the worst excuse in the world. You’re facing each other on the couch, you on his lap, knees resting on the bed on either side of him, and he’s staring at you with a strange look on his face, a mixture of confusion and worry. “I just...I have a lot of baggage.”

“I don’t judge,” he says gently. “Everyone has shit.”

“Yeah, but not everyone starts crying in the middle of hooking up with a ridiculously hot guy.”

“That’s the third time you’ve told me I’m hot tonight. You’re going to give me an ego complex.”

 “I think it’s a little too late for that.”

 In spite of yourself, you lets out a small, almost breathless giggle, laughing at the absurdity of the situation as you bury your head against his shoulder. “Oh my god, I’m such a mess. I’m so sorry.”

You feel him shrug, wrapping his arms around your waist. He must be a hugger. You had a feeling. You kind of like it, though: he’s still shirtless and his arms are very strong. It feels warm and snug and honestly, if you could, you would kind of never move again. But that’s not an option, especially when you start to feel a small tug of guilt somewhere in your gut. 

“I should go. I’ve caused you enough trouble for tonight.” You start to move off his lap, but he catches your wrist.

 “Don’t. We don’t have to do anything...but you can stay, if you’d like. We can talk, maybe get out of this shitty party, find somewhere to eat.” He bites his lip as he says it, looking terribly shy, and you can’t help but smile.

“I would love that....” Your mouth falls open, and you pull back to look at him. “I just realized I don’t even know your name.”

He looks surprised as well, and you think it’s funny that he knows your lips and at least a fraction of how fucked up you are and even the small stretch of skin between your neck and the junction of your shoulder but not your name.

He clears his throat, a small smile playing along his lips. “I’m Jeon Jungkook.”

You smile back. “Y/L/N Y/F/N. It’s nice to meet you.”

On Monday morning, you sit with the rest of your friend group in your usual spot in the middle of the courtyard, flipping through your bio textbook as you listens to Seulgi tell a story from Chen’s birthday dinner. They’d gone to the fancy sushi restaurant in town, the one you hate because everything is overpriced and also you don’t think you can ever quite vanquish the memory of that time Baekhyun once shoved six pieces of eel into his mouth at the same time and, honestly, you’re kind of glad that you’d decided not to go. So far, though, only Sana has mentioned your absence – or even really looked at you since she sat down a good half hour ago.

You almost can’t blame them: you’re the youngest in the group, a sophomore while the rest of them are all juniors and seniors, and the only reason you’re even really friends with them was because Seulgi had spilled coffee all over white blouse during the psychology lecture you’d had together your first semester of your freshman year and then felt so bad she invited you to get lunch with and her friends right after. Sana had warmed to you immediately, in spite of your quite nature and your tendency to just smile and nod when spoken to without offering a meaningful contribution to the conversation, but you’d always gotten the feeling - in spite of the fact that she was perfectly cordial to you - that Irene preferred a group of three to a group of four. 

You’d met the boys a few weeks after you’d started sitting with the girls at lunch, when Sana suddenly declared that you had to meet the boyfriend she’d been talking your ear off about since you’d met. You’d been a little nervous, because you knew her boyfriend was a member of EXO and even though you’d never seen any of the guys in person, you’d certainly heard enough about them during your time here. EXO is about as close to royalty as you can get on campus. There are about five or six, not-so-secret secret societies at your prestigious, probably not worth the 50k tuition, hundreds of year old university, but EXO is by far the oldest and most influential. Their fathers, grandfathers, great-grandfathers and so on had all gone to school here and been members of the society, passing on the legacy to their sons. Nowadays, they were more of just a glorified fraternity, throwing a few parties - including the legendary themed ball in the spring - throughout the year, but people still talk about them incessantly, parting the corridors when they approach and letting them cut to the front of every line. You think it helps that all nine of them are exceptionally good-looking, smart, and personable. 

Anyway, you’d met Suho first, and he’d been perfectly nice in spite of your quietness, and then Baekhyun, Chanyeol, and Chen. Chanyeol had hit on you when you’d first met, much to your mortification, before one of his friends, perhaps noticing the blotchy red spots on your cheeks, had intervened. You’d learned later that his name is Kyungsoo, or D.O. as most people call him, and he’s one of the kindest, most quietly-perceptive individuals you’ve ever met. The guys started joining you all at lunch a few days later, inviting the scrutiny of other students - namely other girls, who took to wrinkling their noses and whispering things like “she’s not even that pretty” when you passed them between classes. Four of them were absent though, you learned later. Xiumin, the oldest, who was taking a year off to do volunteer work in Ecuador. Lay was studying abroad in China for the semester. And Kai and Sehun, the youngest, both sophomores and just a year older than you, who lived off campus and preferred eating lunch at their shared apartment rather than choking down the rather unappetizing options offered by the campus’ three, equally awful dining halls. You honestly couldn’t blame them. 

You think you fell for Kai the moment you first you saw him. He’d approached you in the library one day while you were working on your Spanish homework, in need of White Out to fix the mess he’d made of his statistics problem set. You’d looked over at him when he tapped your shoulder, a little annoyed at having your verb conjugation interrupted, and your breath had caught. Tanned skin, dark blonde hair that fell messily over his forehead, round wire-framed glasses, loose jeans, and a t-shirt with a fucking teddy bear on it. No one had the right to look equally as handsome and cute as he did on a daily basis, you decided. 

He’d fixed his stat homework while standing at your side, his tall frame casting a shadow over your workbook and the smell of his cologne making it difficult to concentrate. He’d handed back your White Out right after, thanking you profusely, then glanced at your work. “Professor Biel?” He’d blown out a breath, “I had her last semester. She’s a piece of work.” 

You’d spent the next forty minutes talking to him,  cognizant, somewhere in the back of your mind, of the fact that it hadn’t been this easy for you to talk to someone like this in years. Suddenly, though, he’d checked his phone and jumped to his feet, exclaiming about how he had to go. He’d apologized more than once, but never did he offer his name, or ask for yours. You’d been crushed, trudging to your usual lunch table with considerably less pep than usual when you’d noticed an unfamiliar figure in your usual seat. 

“Oh.” Kai had looked over, eyes widening, a sweet smile growing on his face. “It’s you.” 

The rest is history. 

Now, months later, after everything had gone to shit, you lack a purpose within the group. Seulgi had been your in, but you’d grown closer to Sana. And then you’d met Kai, who’d become - embarrassingly, because you know now that you’d never been nearly as important to him - probably your best friend. When he’d left you dry and broken, you found yourself out of place with the girls as well. You figure that the only reason they still sit with you and invite you places is a) Sana still cares about you somewhat and is too nice to ditch you b) it would be too much work to change things. 

Sana sits to your left now, deep in conversation with Suho. They’ve been together, on-and-off, for about two years. They’re currently off, but, given the way they’d walked in together, hand-in-hand, they’ll probably be on again within a day. The rest of you barely pay attention to their weird ass relationship dynamic now; sure, they would constantly break up, claiming they were too busy to date, but everyone knew they couldn’t stay away from each other for too long.

Next to the couple is another one: Sehun and Irene. He’d had a crush on her for forever, but she’s older, so she hadn’t really paid him much attention until a few months ago when he’d finally won her over. Coincidentally, the start of their relationship also coincided with when he’d decided that you were no longer worth his time.

(You’ll get over the bitter feeling, choking feeling inside you whenever you look at them at some point, you swear).  

“Hey,” a voice interrupts your thoughts and you turn your head to see Sana’s eyes on you. “That guy is staring at you.”

 “What?” You whip her head around quickly, trying to see who Sana’s talking about. Guys staring at you in the middle of the courtyard aren’t really a common occurrence. That’s more of Sana and Irene’s thing.

“Over there,” Sana jerks her thumb behind you. “He’s really cute.”

With the weirdest feeling in your chest, you risk a glance behind you, already knowing what you’ll see. Sure enough, Jungkook is looking straight at you. And he seems just as surprised to see you as you are ot see him. One of his friends is talking to him, but his words seem to be falling on deaf ears as Jungkook gapes at you, his mouth slightly ajar.

 You feel weirdly dizzy. Friday night, in all honesty, still feels like a dream. After the club, you and Jungkook had ended up at a tiny 24-hour burger place that he claimed made the best milkshakes. You’d stuffed yourself on cheeseburgers and fries dipped in chocolate shakes and ended up talking until five in the morning. It had been one of the best nights you’d had in a while, at least until he’d helped you into your Uber in front of the restaurant without asking for your number or giving any indication he’d like to see you again. You’d spent the rest of the weekend nursing your bruised ego and trying to salvage what was left of your self-esteem.

And now, here he is. Not ten fucking feet away from the table you’ve been sitting almost everyday for the last school year. 

“Do you know him?” Sana sounds quizzical, tapping your shoulder to reclaim your attention. You try to focus on your friend, even though you can feel Jungkook’s gaze burning into you. 

“No!” You say this a little too quickly and a little too loudly, causing the rest of the table to fall silent. Chanyeol must have been in the middle of a story because he gives you a small, hurt glance that makes you cheeks burn.

“What’s going on?” Seulgi, always wanting to be in on the gossip, leans forward.

You give Sana a pleading look. The last thing you want is for anyone to find out about what had happened on Friday night. Especially the part where Jungkook had essentially rejected you.

 Not that rejection is an uncommon occurrence for you these days, a small voice at the back of your mind pipes up and sure enough, it’s at exactly that moment that Kai decides to join the group, his girlfriend attached to his hand. He takes the only available seat at the table – across from you, which he doesn’t seem thrilled about – and swipes a chicken tender from Baekhyun’s tray. Krystal daintily slides in next to him, glancing around the table in confusion. Kai munches quietly on his chicken for a few seconds before he looks around, suddenly sensing the awkward energy amidst the group.

“Uh, what’s up, guys?”

 “Y/N and Sana are keeping secrets.” Seulgi says this with the attitude of a five-year-old child, pouting as she points a finger at her friends. You see Kai’s expression flatten into the bored indifference he always wears around you these days at the mention of your name, and it makes your heart ache so, so badly.

Sana shakes her head. “Hey, I’m innocent! Y/N’s the one with the weird guy staring at her.” 

“What weird guy?”

It’s Sehun who joins the conversation now, startling you so much you knock over your water bottle. Kai catches it without looking up from his food, setting it back upright before it can slosh water onto everyone else’s trays.

Sehun just stares at you impassively, as though daring you to question why he’s suddenly acting like you exist again after three months of virtual silent treatment. Oddly, it makes your eyes sting with tears and you look away with a lump in your throat.

 “No one,” you say lightly, focusing your gaze on your folded hands. “Sana is being crazy. There’s no one staring at me.”

“Um,” Irene pipes up, drawing everyone’s attention, “Then who’s the guy standing behind you?”

You whirls around abruptly, your ponytail nearly smacking Sana in the face. To your horror, Jungkook is hovering behind you, looking horribly awkward. He rubs the back of his neck, then glances at you pointedly, “Um, can we talk?”

You risk a discreet glance behind you. All of her friends are staring at you, including Kai, although his face is carefully blank. You get to your feet before anyone else can say anything, nodding at Jungkook.

“Yeah, sure. Let’s go.”

 He nods jerkily at you, turning and leading you far away enough that you’re out of earshot of everyone else.

“So.” He looks at you blankly. “You’re a student here.”

“Yeah. And I’m guessing you are, too.” She folds her arms across her chest, her gaze hard. “You didn’t think to mention that?”

The party, thrown by one of the less popular frats, had been populated mostly by high school kids and townies. And most frats tended to hire outside help for managing the drinks anyway. You hadn’t actually considered that he might be a student here, although you’re realizing the stupidity of that assumption right now. 

“Honestly, I had no idea you might go here too. It’s a small campus, but I’ve literally never seen you around before. I figured there was no way you were a student here too.”  

“What year are you?”

“Sophomore.”

“Me too!” you say incredulously. “How the fuck do we not know each other?”

Jungkook just shrugs, looking helpless.

You can’t help but eye him with a little bitterness. “You must be disappointed. There goes your plan to ghost me.”

He looks taken aback at that. “What are you talking about?”

“You let me leave without asking for my number or any of my social media. Admit it: you had no plan to ever contact me again.”

“You’re an idiot,” he scoffs. “I can’t believe you’d believe that about me. And to think I spent the entire weekend beating myself up for forgetting to ask for your number.”

You soften, the anger going out of you. He could be lying, but you feels like that’s not Jeon Jungkook’s style. “You did?”

“Yeah,” he admits softly, a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. “You kind of grew on me, Y/N.” 

You can’t help it, you flush softly. You see Jungkook glance back at your table. “All your friends are staring at us.”

You wince. “They’re kind of nosy. And I’ve never been interesting before, so this is new for them, I guess.”

“So which one is he?”

“What?”

“Which one is the guy you were trying to fuck out of your system on Friday night?” He surveys the table again. “Is it the blonde one who’s trying to listen to our every word? Or is it the pale one with black hair who looks like he wants to eviscerate me on the spot?”

You roll your eyes.  “You’re making things up. Neither of them cares that much.”

“So, it is them.” His eyes widen. “Both? Wow, you’re a player. Way to go, Y/L/N. I didn’t know you had it in you.”

You smack his arm. “It’s not like I dated either of them.”

 “But something happened.” Jungkook’s eyes search yours and you marvels at this ability of his, the way he can pick you apart without you even having to say anything. You wonders if he’s like this with everyone, or it’s a special talent of his reserved just for you.

“Yeah,” you breathe out, looking away. “Something happened.”

Jungkook eyes you curiously for a second longer, searching for something in your face. Whatever it is, he must find it, because he holds out his phone. Your number, now.”

“Demanding, aren’t we?” You roll your eyes, but take his phone, punching in your number nonetheless. He saves it quickly, then shoves his phone back into his pocket. He’s wearing those jeans again, plus a red sweater that fits him very nicely. 

“I can see you eye-fucking me, you know.”

 “I hate you.”

 He just laughs, then breaks off, glancing back at the many pairs of eyes on you both.

“I’m going to let you get back to your friends now,” Jungkook says, putting air quotes around the last word for some reason. “But I’m texting you tonight. Be ready to spill all the deets.”

“Who even says deets anymore?” you ask, but he’s already walking away, rejoining his friends at a far table. The guy he’d been talking to on Friday night looks your way, and you quickly glances down, not wanting to invite additional scrutiny. Turning on your heel, you makes your way back to the table, settling down in your old seat and taking a long sip of your water bottle. 

Everyone is staring at you.

 “So, are we not going to discuss what just happened?” Seulgi finally breaks the silence.

“You guys are overreacting. He’s just some guy from my chemistry class. We’re working together on this lab report.”

“He’s hot,” Sana supplies unhelpfully, not noticing the way Suho frowns at her. 

You shrug, “He’s alright. And he’s definitely not interested in me, don’t worry.”  

Apparently, no one is.

Seulgi lets out a disappointed sigh, “Damn it. I was hoping for some drama. It’s been one whole year of college so far. When are you going to get a boyfriend, Y/Ni? It’s not like you can stay a virgin forever.”

At that, you choke on her water. Unconsciously, you glance up, meeting the gaze of the dark-haired boy at the other of the table, unbidden images coming to mind. His lips against your neck in your dorm room, his fingers tangled in your hair in some dark classroom, his palm on the curve of your thigh as you sat around this very table, the rest of your friends completely oblivious.

 “Hey, no discussing my sex life at the lunch table,” you scold weakly, then gets to your feet. “I’m going to the library.”

“What sex life?” Irene mumbles, at the same time that Seulgi adds, “Maybe the reason you don’t have a boyfriend is because you’re in the library all the time.”

You feel your face turn red. You know they’re her friends and they only mean well, but you can’t help but feel a dull ache in your chest at their words. Especially when no one says anything to defend you, even Sana, who’s studiously peeling her tangerine.

Without a word, you turns on her heel and stalks into the nearest building. You shove open the door to the library with more force than necessary, drawing a sharp glance from the librarian behind the desk, then plop down in a chair, burying your nose in a textbook as you think, over and over, I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry.  

Jeon Jungkook is in your room.

 It should be weird, but it’s not, even though it’s past 1:30 in the morning and he’s been here since ten and you should have run out of things to say to each other at least two hours ago. He’s lying on your bed - not noticing that he’s dislocated you from your favorite study spot and you’re now trying to solve multivariable calculus equations on the floor – and flipping through his history textbook.

You’ve learnt that he’s a music major and a history minor, and that he’s in a band with his friends. He bartends every other weekend at the club, hates zucchini, likes Coldplay, is allergic to cats, has exactly three tattoos, and has the single most messed up sleep schedule of anyone you’ve ever met.

“Are you hungry?” he asks suddenly, half sitting up on her bed. In an odd show of school spirit, he’s wearing a university sweatshirt that he’s rolled up to his elbows, his trademark black skinny jeans underneath. Earlier tonight you’d asked if he ever washes them and he’d just thrown you a disgusted look in response.

 You just hum in response, too focused on the problem you’re working on to give a proper response. Huffing out an annoyed sigh, he snaps his fingers, drawing your attention to him. “I asked if you were hungry.”

“Is that your way of letting me know that you’re hungry?”

 He flashes you a grin. “You really do know me so well.”

“We could go to John Jay. That’s the only dining hall open this late.”

Immediately, Jungkook makes a face. “Can’t. I, uh, hooked up with a girl who works the night shift there last semester. I can’t go in there without her being all over me.” 

You roll your eyes, choosing not to comment on that tidbit. “What do you want me to do then?”

 He gives you puppy-dog eyes. “You could go by yourself and pick us up something?” 

“I’m not even hungry!”

“Yes, but I – your very kind and devoted friend who, by the way, helped you write your English paper not two hours ago – am starving.”

 “You edited my grammar. I used the wrong ‘there’ once!”

 “And think about what that mistake would have cost you if you had handed it in like that. You owe me one, Y/N.” 

 You roll your eyes, realizing he won’t give up until you’ve gotten him his fucking meal. “What do you want?” You get to her feet with a groan, deciding you’re going to force him off the bed once you’re back. Your knees do not take well to sitting on the floor for prolonged periods of time.

“A chicken quesadilla with sour cream on the side. And strawberry frozen yogurt if they have it. Oh, and banana milk!”

“You have the palate of an eight-year-old,” you say grumpily, grabbing your rain coat to throw over her outfit. It’s a weirdly rainy for late September, but still warm. You’re wearing a thin grey cardigan over black shorts - a tiny strip of stomach exposed - and black rain-boots.

“You’re the best!” Jungkook shouts as you’re closing the door behind you. 

You flip him off. 

The line at Plimpton is annoyingly long. Apparently many of your fellow college students have also developed the Sunday scaries and will be spending most of tonight trying to catch up on work for the next week. You mentally curse Jungkook out in your head, thinking about all the time you’re wasting when you could be working on her calculus homework, as you wait for the line to move forward. Of course, the line to pay is even longer and Jungkook’s freaking quesadilla is definitely going to be cold by the time you get out of here. 

As you dig in the pocket of your cardigan for your wallet, you spot a familiar figure out of the corner of your eye. It’s Kai, dressed in track pants and a navy sweater you recognize as the one his mom bought him last Christmas, hair slightly wet from walking over in the rain. He looks good, and it makes your stomach twist. You mean to look away, but he glances up right at that moment, your eyes meeting his. It’s a horribly awkward moment, and you can practically see the gears in his brain turning as he debates what to do. He’s been hiding behind the friend group since that fucking awful night in May, hasn’t ever had to deal with you alone, and right now he two choices. He could walk over and greet you, acting like the last couple of months have just been some sort of distant dream. Or he could look away, like you’re a stranger. The problem with the latter, however, is that it means acknowledging that your relationship has irrevocably changed and actually having to face the repercussions of last year. And so Kai, always one to run from his problems then confront them, gingerly walks over to where you’re standing. 

You feel his presence at your back, breathing in a scent that you can only describe as a mixture of expensive cologne, mint shampoo, and something that’s just inherently Kai.

You turn to face him, flashing a strained smile.  It’s a little jarring to see him alone like this after months of watching him be glued to Krystal’s side, looking at her as though she’s the only thing he ever sees, looking at her the way he had never, not once, looked at you. 

“Um, hey.”

He eyes you strangely. “What are you doing here? I thought you always said you liked going to bed early.” 

That had actually been true, at some point, and your traitorous heart leaps a beat at the fact that he remembers this about you. 

“I have a lot of homework. You know how it is.” You give him a polite smile, suddenly wishing he would just leave you the hell alone. It’s awkward between you two, painfully so, in a way that you never thought it would be. You wonder if you’ll ever be able to look at him without the words ‘you’re not someone I’d ever be interested in’ echoing in your mind over and over. 

“So, where’s Krystal?” you ask after a few seconds of uncomfortable silence, realizing that you’re stuck with him for the rest of the torturously long line.

“Oh, she’s working on this paper for her philosophy class. It’s a senior-level class, so it’s a ton of work. She’s the only junior taking it this semester.”

It feels like someone has your heart in an iron hold. He sounds so, so proud of her, his voice full of fond warmth. He probably hasn’t even realized that he’d started smiling the moment you’d mentioned Krystal’s name. The cold, vise-like grip around your heart tightens, and you find it difficult to breathe as the line shuffles forward.

“Hey,” Kai looks at you warily. “Are you okay?”

 Are you okay? Suddenly, it’s one year ago and you’re huddled on the floor of the women’s bathroom in the foreign language building, your arms wrapped around your knees as he hugs her to his chest, asking this very question. It’s one year ago and you’re starting to realize that you’re falling in love with him.

 “Yeah,” you say, your voice shaky, letting your hair fall into your face to hide the fact that your eyes have welled with tears. “I’m fine.”

You turns away from him then, not inviting any more conversation as you swipe your card for the meal and stop at the drink station to get Jungkook’s fucking banana milk. You hope he won’t be able to tell you’ve been crying when you get back to the room, not wanting to deal with any more questions tonight. 

“Wait up!” you halt in your tracks when you hears Kai’s voice, and the sound of him walking up to you very fast. You’re almost out the door, and he looks slightly winded, his voice sounding out of breath as he says, “I feel like I need to apologize to you.”

The crack in your chest widens. “Kai...please don’t do this.”

 He winces. “You never used to call me Kai before.”

That was before you broke my heart, you want to say. Instead, you just shrug, glancing away.

 “Y/N.” Kai’s voice rumbles out from his chest. “Look at me, please.”

 Like the idiot you are, you lift your gaze to his. To his credit, he does look sorry. His brown eyes are mournful as they settle on yours.

“It feels like things are broken between us.” He looks down at the ground, “I miss hanging out with you, Y/N. I miss when you used to tell me things. I miss...you.” 

“Jongin,” you say, and you feel like you’re choking. “Things are different now. You know that.”

He doesn’t though, really, does he? He doesn’t know how deeply you fell for him, how badly he ripped your heart out on that awful night back in May. He doesn’t know how hard it is for you to see him with Krystal every single day.

He rubs the back of his neck. “Look, I know things got weird between us last semester, but we can put it behind us, can’t we? You’re one of my closest friends, Y/N. I don’t want to lose you over some stupid crush.”

Stupid crush. The pain is no longer a hollow ache, but a roaring fire that starts in the center of your chest and blooms out across her body. You think your hands might be shaking.

 Still, you force a smile. “You’re right. Let’s leave it in the past. I don’t want it to be weird between us either.” 

Kai looks at you strangely, but he nods. “I’m glad we had this talk. Krystal has noticed it’s weird between us, and she keeps asking me what’s up.”

And suddenly your pain turns to anger.

“So, you’re only apologizing to me because your girlfriend is suspicious?” You can’t hold back your acidic response, scoffing as you push past him. You’re halfway up the stairs when Kai catches up to you, grabbing your wrist. The wind blows his hood off, and the rain is hitting him directly in the face. If this were a movie, the moment might almost be romantic.

“Hey, it’s not just about Krystal. You know that. I care about you, Y/N. I hate the way things have been between us.”

“You have a funny way of showing it,” you mumble icily, and his grip on your wrist tightens.

“Y/N, what’s going on? Why are you so angry with me?” He looks so frustrated, so confused, and it only makes your heart hurt so much more, knowing that you’d probably only meant a fraction to him of what he meant to you. 

 Because I love you and you treat me like I’m nothing. Because every time I look at you, it hurts, and you don’t even care.

“I’m not angry,” you shakes your head, offering him a stiff smile. “I’m just disappointed.” And you are. You’d expected him to call you the day after, to brush off the awkwardness and tell you he didn’t want this to mess up your friendship. You’d never thought he’d start dating the girl he’d been so broken up about that night in the first place just a week later, ignore your texts, and then pretend like you were a stranger when school started up again in the fall. 

“Then let me make it up to you.” He sounds nearly desperate now. “We can’t just go on like this.”

“Sure, we can, Jongin,” you say, his name on your tongue like poison. “We’ve made it this far, haven’t we?”

“You mean, you’re okay with this? With us not talking, with us acting like strangers?”

“And who’s fault is all of that, Kai?” You push at his chest, hard. “Don’t blame me for something you did.”

His face falls then, guilt and shame smearing his expression. You look away, breathing hard. God, fuck Jeon Jungkook and his weird cravings. This is literally the last thing you’d wanted to happen tonight. Or ever.

 “Let me come in,” he says, and you realize with a jolt that you’re standing in front of your room now. Jungkook can probably hear everything. “Let me fix this, Y/N, please.” 

You realize then, why this is so hard for him. Why he’s so determined to remedy this. It’s not because he cares about you, and definitely not because he returns even an inkling of the feelings you have for him. It’s because, up until this instant, Kim Jongin has never really hurt anyone in his life and the fact that that’s finally not true anymore is driving him crazy.

It’s not about you. Not one fucking part of it.

“Go home, Kai,” you say wearily, all the fight going out of you. “Go back to Krystal. Go back to acting like I don’t exist.”

“I can’t just leave like this, Y/N,” he says, and then gestures around you impatiently. “It’s fucking pouring. Let’s go inside and talk about this.” He reaches for your door handle and panic fills you suddenly. He opens the door an inch, and you slap your hand against it, slamming it back shut.

“You can’t!” you say, her voice oddly high pitched. Kai looks at you like you’re insane, and then his expression shifts. You see him him glance at her door, then look down at the food you’re carrying. Chicken and cheese quesadilla. Strawberry fro-yo. Banana milk.

“Aren’t you lactose intolerant?” he asks slowly.

 You don’t answer. 

“Y/N.” he says, and his voice is as hard as the steely expression on his face. He no longer looks like the gentle boy you thought you knew so well, or even the desperate man who’d been begging to repair the wedge between you two just moments earlier. “Is there someone in your room?”

“Fuck you, Kai.”

He looks like you’ve slapped him.

“You don’t get to ask me questions like that, not when you have a girlfriend. You rejected me, don’t you remember? What I do is none of your business. Not anymore.”

 With that, you wrench your door open the door and step inside, leaving him staring after you in the pouring rain.

You shouldn’t surprised that Sehun approaches you next. And it’s almost poetic, really, that it just so happens to be in the library where you’d shared your first kiss.

You’re standing in the middle of the Ancient Greece stack, flipping through a book you’re thinking of using for a paper, when suddenly someone snaps it out of your hands and slams it shut.

“I was reading that,” you say flatly.

 Sehun’s dark eyes meet yours evenly. “We need to talk.”

With Sehun, it’s less painful than it is with Kai. Maybe it’s because he’d never made you question where you stood with him. Your relationship – if you could even call it that – had been about sex. You’d fallen together one cold night in December after Kai told you he had feelings for Krystal. You’d been torn up inside, hurting enough to take eleven shots of vodka and fuck Oh Sehun in the bathroom of some club. 

Sure, you’d be lying if you said some feelings hadn’t grown on you part, but he’d never given you any indication that he saw you as anything more than a warm body – dousing that little flame of actual affection in your heart before it could grow any brighter. 

“I don’t think we do, actually,” you snatch the book out of his hand, trying to find the page you’d been looking at.

“Jongin told us about Sunday night.” 

You freeze but channel your expression into a poker face as you meets Sehun’s hard gaze. “Who’s ‘us’?”

“All the guys, Irene, Sana, Seulgi. We’re worried.”

 You laugh out loud at that. “Sehun, please don’t pretend like you actually give a fuck about me. I thought we were past that point.” 

His jaw hardens. “You’re different.”

 “What are you talking about?”

 “I always knew you weren’t the sweet, innocent girl that everyone thinks you are, but it’s more than that now. You seem...harder.”

“Well, when the guy you’ve been fucking for five months suddenly gets a girlfriend and decides that you don’t exist anymore you kind of toughen up.” You say this breezily, hoping your voice doesn’t betray the still-smarting remnants of her heart.

 Sehun, to his credit, looks pained. “Look-”

 “Please spare me. I’ve already heard one apology speech from Kai. I don’t need another one.”

 He raises an eyebrow, a slight smirk playing on his face, “So it’s Kai now, huh? I always wondered when you were going to stop looking at him with those puppy-dog eyes.”

There’s suddenly a stabbing pain at the center of your chest. “You knew?”

“Oh, come on, everyone knew. Even Jongin. He actually asked us all how to let you down gently. He was so stressed about it. He kept talking about ‘not wanting to ruin the friendship.’ It was kind of cute, actually.”

“Shut the fuck up.” You don’t actually hear herself say the words, just watch the shocked expression cross Sehun’s face. You’ve never used this tone with him before, not even when you first saw him with Irene. You almost doesn’t recognize yourself.

Sehun looks like he’s about to say something but before he can, you slam the book against his chest. It actually makes a small thud, and he stumbles backwards visibly.

You leave before you start to cry.

For a week, you make up excuses to not eat lunch at your usual table.  In chemistry – which you have with Lay – you makes sure to arrive late and leave the instant class is over to avoid a confrontation.

When you run into Chen and Chanyeol in the dining hall, you pretend like you doesn’t hear them calling your name.

It works, for a while. Seulgi stops texting on the third day, Irene never even attempts, even Sana has given up by the fifth. Kai calls you a few times, and after you’ve let it go to voicemail three times in a row he stops. Sehun calls exactly once and you watch with an odd sort of fascination as the notification pops up on the screen: You have 1 new voicemail.

You delete it without listening, deciding it’s safer not to trust yourself when it comes to Oh Sehun.

 And then Sana’s birthday rolls around and you realize that, no matter how much Kai and Sehun have bruised your heart, you can’t let down one of your best friends. 

To their credit, everyone does a good job of acting like everything is okay when you arrive at the club. You’d gotten Jungkook to help with your outfit and together you’d picked out the tight black skinny jeans, strappy dark green tank top – which leaves your back completely bare – and tall heels you have on now. You’d even curled the ends of your hair and spent five extra minutes on your eyeliner.

You look good. Kai and Sehun can choke.

Sana kisses your cheek, Seulgi hugs her tightly, and Chen – always your favorite boy – gives you a quick squeeze that instantly makes you feel warmer. The rest of the guys are at the bar, and you feels your heart squeeze when you look over to see Kai with his arms wrapped around Krystal. The worst part is this: she looks like she blends right in. She laughs along with Baekhyun and Chanyeol, leaning down to whispers something in Irene’s ear ever so often, and even Xiumin – who doesn’t take well to strangers – smiles at her a couple of times. 

She just...fits. So much better than you ever could.

You hate yourself for it, but when that realization comes it’s hard to feel anything other than cold and small. Vulnerability and insecurity are not a good looks on you, but they’re ones you’ve been wearing often this semester. Your already frayed mental health is wearing thin, and you wonders how long you can go on like this before something starts to give.

Tonight, though, is about Sana. So, you smiles at all the right parts, tell a story from a fight that had broken out in your calculus class between your  professor and an overzealous student, and drink a little too much. You see Kai watching you out of the corner of his eye as you down the fourth shot that Sana pushes your way, a concerned look on his face. You glance away, refusing to meet his gaze.

 Everything goes smoothly enough, at least until Chanyeol suddenly starts waving and you turn your head to see Jungkook’s friend – the one that you’d seen him with the night you first met – approaching your group. Weirdly enough, everyone seems to know him. That makes you very nervous.

You’ve never personally met him, although you’ve gotten to know some of Jungkook’s other friends over the last few weeks. There’s Suga, the quiet, actually really funny in a dry sort of way if you get to know him guy you recognize from some of your chemistry classes, Jimin – whose boundless self-confidence  always amazes her- and Taehyung, who you personally think is even better-looking than Jungkook himself, much to the boy’s chagrin.

 “He’s taller,” you’d used as an excuse, and he’d just pouted at you until you relented and agreed that they were equally good-looking. 

However, this man is a stranger to you. (From Jungkook’s various ramblings, you guess he’s Namjoon). But, judging from the way his eyes widen as he notices you, you aren’t exactly a stranger to him. 

 He doesn’t say anything to you for the first ten or so minutes, chatting to Chanyeol and Baekhyun and wishing Sana a happy birthday. They’re all either buzzed or drunk, so no one is paying too much attention to each other anymore. Irene and Sehun are getting handsy, Kai and Krystal are whispering adoringly into each other’s ears, Jongdae is chatting with a cute girl he’d met earlier, and Xiumin is on his phone. He looks up for a moment and catches your eye, the two of you exchanging a ‘we’re-bored-someone-save-us’ sort of smile.

 And then you hear it: “Hey, have you meet Y/N? I think she’s the only one you don’t know yet.”

 Fuck. You force, nodding politely at Jungkook’s friend. “Hi.”

 “Oh yeah,” the guy nods at you, “We’ve never met, but I’ve heard a lot about her from Kookie.” 

“Kookie?” Sana suddenly seems interested in the conversation. “Oh, you must mean Jungkook. He’s Y/N’s lab partner.”

 “Lab partner?” the guy – who you’re starting to really dislike, sorry Jungkook – laughs out loud. “What are you talking about? Jungkook is a music major. He hates science.” 

Everyone goes silent. Sehun detaches himself from Irene’s arms, forcing himself into sitting position. Kai is staring at you again. You want to disappear.

 “That doesn’t make any sense...” Seulgi says, sounding confused. “Y/N, you told us he was your chemistry lab partner.”

“What?” Now the guy looks bewildered. Then his face changes, a knowing sort of smirk taking the place of his confusion. “Oh, is it because you’re embarrassed that you guys hooked up?”

Okay, it’s official. You hate this man. 

Seulgi all but shrieks, looking at you in obvious surprise. “Y/N, what the hell is he talking about?”

Cornered, you have no choice but to explain. “Um, I met Jungkook here a few weeks ago. Before he came up to me at lunch. I didn’t even know he went to the university, so I was really surprised when I saw him again that day. I didn’t want you guys to freak out, so I lied and said he was my lab partner.”

Sana nods slowly, still looking confused. “But what did he mean when he said you guys hooked up? I mean, that can’t be true. You’ve never even had a boyfriend. And you would have told us something like that.”

 The guy laughs, “Trust me, it’s definitely true. I saw them go into that room myself, and they didn’t come out for a while.”

Your face burns. He’s wrong – you and Jungkook didn’t have sex, never have, even if you thinks that you two touch each other a little too much and sometimes when you’re alone you look at each other for longer than what’s probably considered socially acceptable – but you think the truth would only make this situation look even worse.

Sana stares at you, and you hates the betrayed expression on her face. You can’t even bring herself to look at Sehun or worse, Kai. He’s gone eerily quiet, sloshing the amber liquid in his glass as he stares down at his hands, his shoulders tense.

“Y/N,” Sana says, and her voice sounds small. “Why didn’t you tell us? Why did you lie?”

Your friend sounds hurt, and it makes you feel genuinely fucking awful. Especially because there’s so many other lies and half-truths and sometimes you wonder if you’re all really even friends at all, if it’s normal to keep this many secrets from those you hold the closest.

“I’m sorry,” you say helplessly, looking around the table. Kai is still staring at the ground, and Sehun looks oddly furious and everyone else watches with careful, unsympathetic eyes that make your chest feel tight. 

Sana, who’s always had the tendency to get overemotional when she’s had too much drink, shakes her head jerkily. “You know, I’m so fucking sick of this.” 

Suddenly, your chest is tight, it feels like there’s a hard lump stuck in your throat, and there’s a strange tingling all along your arms, extending to your fingertips. Everyone is staring at you and oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, you’re having an anxiety attack. You struggle to speak, struggle to breathe, “Sana, I’m sorry, I was just- ”

“I’m not just talking about that guy! You’ve been ignoring us all week, avoiding our texts, acting like you’re so above us all. Well, guess what, Y/N, I’m tired of your attitude. Do you really think you’re so much better than us just because you have the best grades in your year? Studying all the time doesn’t make you special, it just makes you boring.” 

Although she’s usually a sweetheart, you’ve learned a few things about Sana over the months of listening to her complain about girls who flirt with Suho at parties. When she’s angry - and especially when she’s been drinking - she can be absolutely vicious. 

The choking feeling swells and spills over inside of you, and you’re afraid that you might stop breathing, your fingers digging into the skin of your palms so hard you can feel blood pooling beneath your nails as you pierce flesh.  You get to your feet, nearly stumbling over yourself as you picks up your bag and hand Sana the birthday card you’d carefully placed inside earlier. 

“I’m sorry,” you stammer out, your breathing all choppy. “For lying, for fucking up your birthday, f-for all of it.”

Your friend’s eyes go wide, some of the iciness melting slightly, but you can’t even bring yourself to stay here and listen to the rest because you thinks that if Sana is nice to you right now it might actually make everything feel even worse. Because you’re not worth it, because you’re an awful, terrible, person who deserves every bad thing that’s ever happened to you. 

You make it out of the club before you start to cry. It’s the ugly kind of crying too: heaving sobs that make your chest rattle, snot coming out of your nose,  salty tears that sting your cheeks. It’s much too cold out for a tank top, but you finds you don’t mind the biting chill. You welcome it, actually, because it distracts you from the roaring pain inside of your skull.

You don’t  know how long you sit there, back pressed to the brick wall of the club, head buried in your hands, before you feel a strong arm settle around your shoulders. You’re pressed into a warm, broad chest and you let yourself go willingly, telling yourself you almost doesn’t care who this is right now.

 Sehun stares down at you with wide, panicked eyes that contain no hint of his usual cool. You think his hand might be shaking slightly as he lifts it, absently running it over the top of your hair. 

“I didn’t know,” he admits quietly. You lift your head, not wanting him to see her tears even though he can obviously hear your sniffles, not wanting to lower herself to crying in front of him when you’ve done such a good job so far. But you do murmur softly “Didn’t know what?”

“That it could get this bad,” he says, and you think he might almost sound worried. “Jongin told me,” he says, his breath stirring your hair, “He told me to be careful with you because you were fragile.” There’s something in his tone that you don’t recognize and if you close your eyes and pretend this is anyone else, it might almost be jealousy. “But I didn’t know.”

“It’s not your fault,” you say hoarsely “I just...came this way, I guess.” 

His arm tightens around your shoulders. You don’t know how long you sit there, your chest heaving harshly as Sehun’s t-shirt collects the last remnants of your tears, before he’s pulling you to your feet, shrugging off his jacket and placing it around your thin shoulders. It smells like him, and you’re faintly reminded of frantic showers between classes because you needed to get this very scent off of you before it drove you senseless. 

His hand lingers on the crook of your elbow as he helps you to the car. You’d figured he’d come with Irene, but the other girl is nowhere in sight as you slide into the passenger’s seat. He hadn’t held open the door, and you hadn’t expected him to. Neither of you are going to pretend that Sehun is a gentleman.

He’s quiet on the drive back, and you watch his profile glint in the moonlight. He’s so handsome it undoes you, especially when you catch the way he keeps glancing over at you and then quickly jerking his head back, almost as though it’s involuntary. You arrive at his apartment, and you wants to ask a million questions that get stuck in your throat as he parks and swings his long legs onto the pavement. He walks slightly ahead of you as you exit the parking garage and enter the lobby of his building, not stopping to look back and see if you’re following. 

 You don’t care. Not really.

 (You kind of do).

You’re silent in the elevator, an awkward sort of tension hovering in the air. Sehun’s phone buzzes a few times but he doesn’t check it. He lets you out first when you get to his floor, and your stomach jolts when you realize that you still know the way to his apartment without him having to guide you.

The apartment is quiet and dark as he unlocks the door and gently nudges you inside. He shares this space with Kai, you remind yourself, but the other man is frequently absent. Sehun is that annoying, barely goes to class and hardly studies but still sets the curve kind of student, while Kai is equally brilliant in a much more makes a color-coded study schedule and falls asleep while cramming in the library sort of way. As a result, he often doesn’t make it back to the apartment – usually crashing with one of the boys who lives on campus – and you figure that nowadays his nights here are even more seldom, given that he has a girlfriend who lives in the dorms.

 He still pays the rent on time every month, though, and whenever someone suggests he move out and leave Sehun to figure out how to do laundry on his own he just lets out a little laugh and looks away.  You’ve never really understood it.

The apartment floor is cold beneath her feet as you slide off your heels, placing them on the shoe rack. They look weirdly mismatched next to a pair of Kai’s sneakers and Sehun’s Italian leather loafers and you look away before the heavy feeling can grow inside your chest. 

Sehun has abandoned you, so you wander the apartment aimlessly for a bit before he decides to reappear.

You remember the first time you came here: you’d been with Kai, on the way to see a horror movie that you’d coerced him into coming to with you, and he’d made you stop here for a few minutes so he could grab a jacket. (You would end up wearing that jacket later that night, the scent of his cologne still lingering in your hair when you handed it back to him outside your dorm). You’d wanted to wait in the car – both because it felt weird being in Kai’s apartment when he’d only been your friend for one short month and also because you knew he lived with Sehun and the other boy had never seemed particularly fond of you.

Kai had been oddly insistent on not leaving you alone in the car, though, and so you’d acquiesced to hovering awkwardly in the foyer as he grabbed a jacket from his bedroom. You’d been standing there, trying her best not to look around, when Sehun had come out of his room, clearly having just showered. He’d been wearing just a towel around his waist, his pale chest and broad shoulders glistening, and you’d looked away so quickly you nearly gave yourself whiplash.

He’d smirked, and you think that that might have been the start of it all.

“Here.” Silently, Sehun has appeared behind you. He hands you a folded pair of sweatpants, a black V-neck t-shirt thrown on top. You lift an eyebrow but take the clothes from him anyway. In all the nights you’ve spent here, he’s never been nearly so considerate. You’d gotten used to keeping a spare change of clothes in your bag at all times, ignoring Sana’s curious look when she’d found them while rummaging through your bag for a highlighter.  

You step into the hall bathroom to change, listening to  the sound. of Sehun fiddling with things in the kitchen outside. You hadn’t been wearing a bra, and when you looks down at your chest through the t-shirt, that fact is very obvious.

Sehun just sighs when you step out.

You lie down in bed after washing your face and brushing your teeth, not waiting for Sehun to return before you slide under the covers. Sehun is particular about things like thread count, so his sheets feel like silk clouds. For a moment, you close your eyes and let your mind go blissfully blank. 

You almost don’t hear when Sehun comes out of the bathroom, not until he’s lifting back the covers on the other side of the bed. You jerk upwards - you’d been expecting him to sleep on the couch or something - your body already moving away from his, “Irene -”

“She won’t care.” Sehun sounds almost bitter, and you wonder if the reason you’re even here tonight, the reason he’s giving you this attention, is because he doesn’t have his girlfriend’s. 

Sehun doesn’t say anything as you lie there in the silence, both of your breathing shallow. One of his hands is playing idly with the bracelet on your wrist, and you wonder if he even realize he’s doing it. 

 “I’m sorry.” He says finally, and his voice sounds like it’s cracking. You don’t laugh, but he clears his throat anyway.

“For which part?” you asks, unable to keep the edge out your voice.                   

“All of it,” he says, and you can feel his eyes on you in the darkness. “I really fucked it up with you, didn’t I?”

“I think we were fucked up to begin with,” you say and then turn around and close your eyes before you have to see the hurt on his face.

You wake up sprawled across Sehun’s chest. His arms are around your waist and your face is pressed into his neck, your legs tangled, his foot resting on your ankle. You come to at the same time he does, and in spite of all the shit that had transpired last night, you have to bite back a smile at the sleepy confusion on his handsome face. 

“I don’t remember falling asleep like this,” he mumbles, a small smirk playing on his lips. All his sharp indifference and biting anger are gone, his edges filed away in the morning light. He feels like a different person, more like the man who’d let you cry on his shoulder outside the club last night than the distant boy you remember waking up to on most mornings you were unlucky enough to fall asleep here. 

“I guess you just can’t stay away from me,” you drawl, and then shift away because you can feel him there against your thigh and Irene is still a very big conversation that you’ve never had. He must realize this at the same instant because his expression hardens, his lips pressing into a straight line.

“I should get out of here,” you say eventually, sitting up in bed. Sehun nods, looking up at the ceiling. He gets to his feet, and you have to glance away when his toned stomach and V-line come into view, his sweatpants riding low on his hipbones. 

“I’ll get your clothes,” he says, and you remember leaving your folded clothes on the sofa last night after you’d changed. He slips out of the room. 

You slide Sehun’s sweatpants down your legs, the t-shirt covering almost everything, as you await his return. Suddenly, though, you hear the sound of a key turning in a lock and the front door swings open. 

Oh, fuck. Kai.

 “Jongin.” Sehun can’t keep the shock out of his voice as he stares at his friend, even as he attempts to school his expression into one of nonchalance. Peeking out of the gap in his door, you spot him glance carefully at the clothes he holds in his hands before discreetly shoving them behind his back. 

Kai looks disheveled, you can’t help but think. His hair is messy, like he’s been running his hands through it, and the top buttons of shirt are undone. He glances at Sehun in surprise, his eyebrows crinkling in confusion, “What are you doing here? Didn’t you say you were going to Irene’s place last night?” 

Sehun, to his credit, is a crafty liar. He just shrugs nonchalantly, scrunching your tank top further in his hand. “She wasn’t feeling well, so she took an Uber home from the club. I just came back here.” 

“You could have dropped her off,” Kai sounds almost scolding and you have to suppress a smile in spite of herself.

“We both know that’s not my style.” Sehun gives Kai a careful glance. “What about you? You’re never back this early from Krystal’s. Did Amber kick you out our something?”

Kai lets out a mirthless chuckle, shaking his head. “I wasn’t really feeling it after last night. Things got way too out of hand. Sana shouldn’t have said those things to Y/N.”

Just like that, you suddenly remember exactly why you’d been so in love with him. (And why you probably still are). 

“She did lie.” Sehun says it so matter-of-factly it makes you want to punch him.

 “Yeah, well, I can’t really blame her.” Kai winces, his voice sounding a little strained as he says, “I can’t believe she actually hooked up with that guy.”

 “Why?” Sehun’s voice is razor sharp. “Did you really just think she’d spend the rest of college pining over you?”

Kai looks like Sehun’s slapped him. “No, of course not,” he stammers out. “But she’s not the kind of person who’d be into casual sex.”

“Maybe you don’t know her as well as you think you do.”

 “And you do?” There’s something strange in Kai’s tone now, and when you peek out of the door, the boys are standing chest-to-chest, both of their shoulders tense. You’re a little worried they might attack each other, at least until all the fight suddenly goes out of Sehun and he just sighs.

“You should change,” he says to Kai, his voice softer than you’ve ever heard it. He touches Kai’s shoulder gently, and it’s the tiniest gesture, but there’s something so intimate about it that you find herself looking away. “You smell like a distillery.” 

“Fuck you,” Kai says, but his tone is full of warmth. He sounds so different than he did just moments before that it makes your head spin. Sehun and Kai...whatever they have, you doesn’t think you – or anyone else – will ever really privy to all of it.

Sehun waits until Kai’s bedroom door is shut behind him before sauntering back over to his own. You scramble away from the door to make it look like you hadn’t been listening, but the scathing look he gives you the moment he enters the room tells you that your efforts had been in naught.

 “You heard the whole thing, didn’t you?”

 “To be fair, you guys were talking about my sex life. I’m not sure that really counts as eavesdropping.”

Sehun rolls his eyes, handing you your clothes. 

You fold your arms across your chest. “Your defense of me was really amazing.”

He just laughs, shaking his head. “You already have Kai to be your knight-in-shining armor. You don’t need me for that.” He chucks you gently under the chin, a dark sort of humor in his eyes. “Don’t get greedy now.”

“Fuck off,” you mumble, pushing his hands away. Spinning around, you slip into his bathroom to change, tugging off his shirt with more vigor than necessary. When you’re done taming the mess your hair has become overnight, you go back into the bedroom to see Sehun also dressed in a dark sweater and jeans. He looks hot, he always does, and you bites her lip as you look away purposefully.

“I’m going to head out now,” you say, and Sehun looks up. His dark eyes lazily roam your figure, his gaze sliding up your jean-clad legs and over your bare shoulders.

“That’s a good look on you,” he says, his raspy voice sending a shiver down your spine, “Did I tell you that last night?”

Barely breathing, you shake your head. 

“I should have.”

 And then, to your confusion, he reaches behind you to pull a jacket off the hook on the back of his door, his knuckle brushing your shoulder. He shrugs it on and look at you quizzically, like he’s completely unaware of the effect he’s having on you. “Aren’t you coming?”

You raise an eyebrow. “You’re driving me home?”

 “What, do you really think I’d make you walk? It’s almost two miles.”

 “I could call an Uber.”

“Come on, everyone knows they overcharge.”

Suddenly, you remember the conversation you’d heard just moments before, what he’d said about Irene: we both know that’s not my style.

What exactly are you doing, Oh Sehun?

You bite your lip, then shrug, deciding not to push it.

 “What are you going to tell Kai?”

 Sehun holds the door open for you on the way out. “That I ran out to the store. He’s been telling me to buy milk for like a week now.”

“It’s like you two are a married couple.”

 Sehun laughs flatly.

 It’s quiet in the car for most of the ride. You roll down window and sticks your arm out, letting the cool air kiss your fingertips. Sehun glances over at you, his brows furrowed. “You might hurt yourself.”

You just hum in response.

You’re stopped in front of the dorms, your hand on the door handle, when he says, out of the blue, “Did you really have sex with that guy?”

You choke.

 “Sehun,” you say, voice low and hard. “That’s none of your business.” 

“Believe, I know.” If you didn’t know him better, you would think he almost sounds pained. “But I can’t stop thinking about it anyway.”

“You’re dating Irene. You’re sleeping with Irene. You have no right to think about me like that anymore.”

Sehun grits his teeth, “I’m an asshole, I know. I have a girlfriend. I shouldn’t care who you’re fucking. But ever since I first saw him come up to you at lunch that day I haven’t been able to get it out of my head.”

You open your mouth to speak but he cuts you off, his eyes dark as they settle on yours. “Did he touch you like I used to, Y/N?” 

Suddenly, the hot boiling anger that had been rising in your chest cools to a low simmer, a new kind of heat filling you. You thinks of the last time you’d been in Sehun’s car, of how he’d made sure to drop you off last on the way home from Seulgi’s twenty-first birthday even though you lived the closest, that familiar glint in his eye. Remembers how you’d told yourself that you wouldn’t this time, that you’d learn to exercise some kind of self-control around him, that you were only causing yourself more inevitable hurt in the long run.

You remember how that had lasted all of five minutes. You remember his hands hooked around your thighs, his lips against your stomach, your fingers tangled in his hair in the backseat 

Your breathing turns harsh.

“Sehun,” you says, your voice low, your cheeks flushing prettily, his eyes dark with lust, knuckles white from how hard he’s gripping the steering wheel.

And then there’s a loud knock at the window.

You looks away from Sehun quickly, pressing a hand to your chest to calm your racing heart. Chanyeol peers at you from outside the car, a confused expression on his face. Sehun rolls down the window. 

“What are you two doing together?”

 “He saw me walking back from the library and offered give me a ride,” you lie before Sehun can, flashing a smile that you hope is convincing.

 “That’s...unusual of him,” Chanyeol frowns a little at Sehun, a confused furrow appearing between his brows. Sehun looks away. Chanyeol turns back to you, a guilty expression on his face. “Listen, I’m sorry about last night. Sana was just drunk. We should have had your back.” 

“It’s okay,” you say meekly, bowing your head.

 Next to you, Sehun says quietly, too low for Chanyeol to hear, “No, it’s not.”

 He’s wrong, though. It always is.

  You’re panicking.

 This isn’t the ‘oh shit, I left my homework in my dorm room and now I have to ask the professor if I can run back and get it’ kind of panic. It isn’t the ‘I just ran into my ex-fuck buddy and his new girlfriend on a date at the cafeteria coffee shop and now I have to pretend like I’m  meeting someone here too’ kind either.

 No, this is the ‘I have an organic chemistry midterm that will make up 30% of my grade for the entire semester in two days and I haven’t even started studying yet’ brand of anxiety. It’s a special kind of panic, one that, for all twelve years of her secondary education and her 2.5 semesters of college you haven’t ever had the misfortune of experiencing.

Because, you see, you are a planner. You make study schedules, either jot them down in pretty colors on the stationary pad she bought while on vacation in Japan that one time or print them up online, and actually stick them, too. By this point, you’ve usually all wrapped up with her initial phase of studying, transitioning into review. But things have been a little out of the norm for her lately, what with your confrontation with Kai, then your fight with Sana in front of everyone, then your meltdown with Sehun and so, yeah, you’re freaking the fuck out, all of your notes and her molecular model set spread out across the table you’ve claimed as your stomping grounds for the last five hours, your fingers lost somewhere in the tangled ends of your hair as you tug nervously at the strands every time you get a question wrong on the practice exam you’re working on.

“You look like a fucking mess.” Jungkook is blunt as he sets the coffee down in front of you. It’s your second cup in as many hours – a Venti from the Starbucks that had recently opened up just a block away from the library. It’s currently the hottest destination on campus, hence the fact that it’s been a solid forty minutes since you’d first shooed Jungkook away from the table with the condition that he not come back unless he returned with an iced Americano. 

“Thanks,” you say dryly, but release the strand of hair you’d been pulling on so hard it feels like it might tear out of your scalp. You nervously tug your bottom lip between your teeth instead, looking up at Jungkook, “You don’t have to stay here, you know. I know you finished up that history paper an hour ago.”

He just shrugs in response. “I don’t mind keeping you company. I have some work for my music theory class to do anyway. And besides,” he eyes you playfully across the table, “I figure someone’s going to have to drag out of this library tonight or you’ll never leave.”

 He’s probably right, and suddenly you are extremely grateful for him. You’ve never really had a friend like him before – someone who just wants to be around you, without a group setting, no strings attached. It feels a little weird sometimes - you’re not cool or interesting enough to warrant the attention of someone like Jeon Jungkook -  and it still surprises you every time he sends you a text, asking if you wants to grab lunch or study together after class.

 Lifting your gaze from the test in front of you, you offer him a weak smile. “Have I ever told you what a great friend you are?” 

“No,” Jungkook looks especially proud of himself, “But you definitely should. I think we should make it a daily thing.” 

“Yeah, like your ego needs any more stroking.” 

You turn your attention back to the problem you’ve  been working on for the last twenty minutes, as if just staring at the words on the paper can help you understand why the molecule before you has an R configuration instead of S. Jungkook digs through his bag, pulling out a page of sheet music that makes your head throb just looking at it, tugging out the pencil he’d slipped behind his ear as he bends his head over the page.

You work quietly for an hour and a half, until the sun has slipped beneath the horizon and your coffee is nothing more than a few half-melting ice cubes. Jungkook stretches then, checking his phone. “It’s seven o’clock. Do you want to get some dinner?”

“Can’t.” You respond immediately, your nose half buried in your chemistry textbook. “I’m only halfway through the material for this test.”  

“Come on,” Jungkook pouts. “All work and no play makes Y/N a dull girl.”

 “Yeah, well, I’ll take that over failing out of college any day.”

 “Don’t be so dramatic. It’s one class.”

 You doesn’t know why this sets you off. Maybe it’s the way he says it, careless and unthinking. Or maybe it’s the anxiety that’s been bubbling under your skin since the moment you’d arrived back in dorm after Sehun dropped you off, cheeks still a little flushed from your conversation, heart pounding from Chanyeol’s interruption, and looked at your calendar and realized that, for the first time in your life, you had forgotten about a test.

You hadn’t always been this way, so focused on your studies. You’d always been a good student, sure, but not the best. But then the accident had happened and you’d lost everything and school became the only thing you could cling to. You may be a failure in every other aspect of your life, but at leas you got good grades. Only now, that’s seemingly about to become untrue as well. 

You set the textbook aside then, the resounding thud so loud that a couple of people look over. You can’t keep the slight edge of hysteria out of you voice as you turn on Jungkook, “It’s not just one class! I got a B on my last English paper, I’m so behind in reading for my bio lecture it’s not even funny, I turned in my last calc homework three days late because I didn’t have time to finish it, Sana hates me, and everything is fucked!”

When you finish, your chest is heaving and Jungkook is staring at you. Your breathing has gone harsh and off-kilter, and there are dark splotches on your cheeks. You feel a hot tears of embarrassment sting your eyes and you’re about to turn away when you feel him reach out, his long fingers loosely circling your wrist. “Hey,” he says softly, turning over your hand so he can slip his palm into it. He tangles your fingers, reminding you of the first night you’d met. “It’s going to be okay, Y/N.” 

 “It’s not,” you mumble. “I’ve never been so behind in school before, Jungkook. Not ever.”

 He hesitates. “Look, I’m a music major, and I’m barely getting by with that as it is. I can’t pretend like I know what you’re going through, so I won’t. But I do know this: you’re one of the smartest and most hard-working people I’ve ever met. Like, seriously, I wish I could be more like you. So, trust me when I say this: if anyone can do this, it’s you, Y/N.”

 The tears that had welled in your eyes suddenly spill over. “Why are you so nice to me?” you blurts out, and Jungkook’s gaze goes wide.

“What do you mean?”

You breathe out harshly. “I’m difficult to know, too focused on my studies, boring. I’m just there. No one would really notice if I wasn’t. But you do.”

“Y/N.” Jungkook is frowning now. “You’re not just there. Whenever you’re in the room, you’re the first person I see.”

 “Okay, seriously, what’s gotten into you today? Stop being so nice, it’s starting to weird me out.” 

You huff out a laugh in spite of the fact that you’re crying, reaching out to wipe the tears gathering beneath your eyes. Jungkook smiles, but it’s an uneasy kind of grin, and you see the worry still lingering in his stare.

Before you have time to say anything, though, you see Jungkook suddenly stiffen. You frown, turning to see what he’s looking at, ignoring the soft warning that falls from Jungkook’s lips.  Over your shoulder, you spot your entire friend group – if you can really call them that anymore these days – seated at the tables behind you. Unofficial kings and queens of your university, they’ve claimed three tables and shoved them together, open seats filled with bookbags and jackets. Everyone gives them a wide berth, and even the librarian – who’d yelled at you not two hours earlier for taking one bite of a granola bar – says nothing when Baekhyun pulls out a takeout box from one of the dining halls and bites into a slice of pizza.

 “Oh,” you say numbly, then turns back around. It’s been pretty much radio silence since Sana’s party and for some reason, you’d imagined that everyone was just too busy to use your group chat or mention getting together. But no, instead it seems like they’ve just removed you from the equation and decided to carry on business as usual. Sehun, for all his unexpected kindness the morning after the party, doesn’t look like he’s given you a single thought since he’d dropped you off in front of your dorm, his arm looped lazily around Irene’s slim shoulders as he steals a fry from Baekhyun’s dinner.

 “Are you going to be okay?” Jungkook watches your face carefully.

 There’s something about the way he is says it: not are you okay but are you going to be, like he already knows that you’re anything but, that steadies you. You look at him across the table, forcing a genuine smile. “Yeah,” you say, and you both ignore how shaky your voice sounds when you answer his question from earlier. “I think dinner sounds great.”

Jungkook doesn’t look convinced, but there’s relief in his eyes as he gets to his feet, shoving all his books into his backpack with one fell swoop. One edge of his history paper gets caught on the outside as he zips it up, but he hardly seems to care, hiking it up on his shoulder as he trashes the watery remnants of your coffee in the plastic recycling bin. You pack up a bit more slowly, your movements sluggish, as though reminding you that haven’t moved from this seat in the library in almost seven hours.

To your surprise, Jungkook holds out his hand for your bag when you’ve finished zipping it up. You frown at him in confusion, eyebrows arching upwards in an obvious question. He just shakes his head, softly murmuring “Trust me” as he takes the bag from you and then gently places a hand on your shoulder.

“Let’s go,” he says brightly, and a sick feeling grows in your stomach as you realize what he’s trying to do.

“We aren’t in a high school rom com, Jungkook,” you hiss, but he just shakes his head, reaching down to lace his fingers through yours. He’d done it not moments before and you hadn’t minded – you actually still kind of like the feeling of his roughened, strong hands in your own  – but you feel your cheeks heat now. 

 Jungkook pulls you along in the direction of the other group’s table, completely ignoring the fact that there is a much shorter path out of the library. You keep your head down, but out of the corner of your eye you see the moment Sana recognizes you, a surprised look spreading across her pretty face.

Suho follows his girlfriend’s eyes, and his own widen comically at the sight of your  hand in Jungkook’s. You try to pull it away, but he doesn’t let go, a smile on his face as he bends to whisper in your ear, “Just go with it.”

You think Sehun might be the worst. He’s in the middle of laughing at something Chanyeol is saying when he suddenly turns his head, catching sight of you just as Jungkook is pulling away from your ear. There’s a rosy blush on your  cheeks, and it must make for quite the romantic picture. Sehun’s jaw tightens, his gaze growing cold. You bow her head, wishing you could disappear as you tug on Jungkook’s hand, quickening your pace past your (former?) friends and out of the library.

 Once you’re outside, you huffs out an indignant breath, a white cloud erupting from your lips in the cold air. “What the fuck?”

Jungkook just shrugs. “I wanted to see how they would react. Especially the tall ones who can’t seem to stop staring at you whenever you’re around.”

You flush. “They do not.”

 He just wraps an arm around your shoulders tightly, his tone almost fond as he pulls you close, “Oh, Y/N. The things you would realize if only you paid a little more attention.”

You run into Sehun right after you walks out of your orgo midterm. Literally.

 Your head is down as you type out a text to Jungkook, asking if he’s free for a celebratory dinner (apparently, 48 hours of pure grind could pay off) when you suddenly feel yourself collide with a hard body, almost falling to the floor if not for the strong hands that catch at your arms, steadying you before you can topple backwards.

 “Oh, shit, I’m so sorry,” you breathe without looking up, stepping back as the person’s hands fall from your body.

Sehun looks at you impassively, his characteristic blank expression on his face. “You should pay more attention to where you’re going.”

 Of course, it would be him. In spite of yourself, you blush. “Right, well, I said I was sorry.”

 Sehun frowns down at the device in your hand, your conversation with Jungkook still open and very much on full display. “What, is music boy that much of a distraction?”

There’s look on his face that makes you angry. He seems almost judgmental as he stands before you, arms folded across his broad chest, eyes hard.

“He has a name, you know. It’s Jungkook.”

 Sehun’s frown deepens. “Right. Jungkook.” The name falls lazily from his lips, tinged with distaste. “So, is he your boyfriend now?”

 A passing student jostles you as she walks by, slamming into your shoulder hard with her overflowing backpack and the absurdity of having this conversation here, literally at the center of dozens of students rushing past to get to their next class, suddenly dawns on you.

“I don’t have time for this,” you say curtly, attempting to step past when Sehun catches at your wrist.

 “Have dinner with me.”

“What?”

 Never, not once in the five odd months you’d been together, had he ever offered to have a meal with you, or even be seen alone with you outside the confines of your dorm room, his apartment, or the backseat of his car. So, what the hell is he doing now, months after he’d thrown you aside?

 “Have dinner with me,” he repeats. “Was I not clear the first time?”

Your head is spinning, and you jerk your wrist back from him forcefully. “Sehun, what are you doing?”

He eyes you carefully, his mask of indifference perfectly in place, but there’s something about the way that he shifts from foot to foot that tells you maybe he isn’t sure either.

 “I’m inviting you to dinner.” He slants an innocent look at you. “We’re friends, aren’t we? Friends go out to dinner together.” 

Every instinct screams at you to say no, to walk away and never think about him again, to close the tiny gap in your heart that’s still open for him before he has a chance to squeeze back inside, but your body has never quite listened to your brain when it comes to Oh Sehun so, for some reason, you find yourself saying – feeling as though you’re floating above your body, looking down at yourself – “Okay.”

The walk to Sehun’s car is silent and tense, your shoulders accidentally bumping each other’s every couple of steps. Your midterm had started at seven, meaning it’s closer to nine now and the afternoon warmth has given away to darkness and a freezing night chill. Sehun is a snob when it comes to eating on campus – it was one of the first things you’d learned about him, even before you became whatever the fuck you were – so you end up at a small sushi place close to his apartment. You’re worried about people seeing you together, but Sehun seems oddly nonchalant. He spends an abnormally long time perusing the menu, even though you’re sure he’d figured out his order within the first thirty seconds, only looking up when you clear your her throat.

 “Did you invite me to dinner just to ignore me the whole time?”

 Sehun raises an eyebrow, closing his menu and setting it to the side. “Honestly, I didn’t expect you to actually say yes.”

 “I still can’t really believe that I did.”

He smirks, “Guess you still can’t resist me, huh?”

You make a face. “Or more like I’m fucking starving. I haven’t eaten all day.”

An alarmed look crosses Sehun’s face, something close to concern in his voice as he leans forward. “It’s nine p.m, Y/N. That’s not good for you.”

Trying to ignore the small, pleased feeling that grows inside of you at the worry in his eyes, you just rolls your eyes. “Yes, Sehun, I know.  I’m pre-med. I’m well aware of the consequences of skipping meals.” You glance away from him, tapping your fingers against the tabletop. “I had a huge exam today. I spent all day studying, so I didn’t get a chance to eat.”

“Organic chem, right?” Sehun has this weird look on his face, and his tone is slightly off. You realize with a faint tinge of amusement that this is hard for him, giving a shit about something in your life that doesn’t have anything to do with him, actually trying to care about you outside the boundaries of sex. “I saw you studying in the library the other day.”

His voice takes on a slightly darker note when he says the last part, which you ignore. “Yeah,” you hum. “Honestly, I was expecting to fail but I think it went okay.”

Sehun snorts, “Of course it did. Have you ever gotten anything below an A before?”

You roll your eyes at him, a small smile playing along your lips. “That’s rich coming from you, Mr. I’ve Never Opened a Textbook in My Life and Still Have a 4.0 GPA.”

Sehun just frowns back at you, but you can tell he’s not really annoyed by the teasing glint in his eyes. It’s weird – sitting across from him and having a normal conversation like this, as though you’re actually friends. Unlike you and Kai, you and Sehun had never been friends. No, before you’d first slept with him, you’d seen him as nothing more than a friend of your friends and he’d barely tolerated your presence because the people who he hung around with seemed to like you. But now, here he is, sitting across from you in an Italian restaurant that – on a second look around – is mostly populated by couples, teasing you about your  grades and acting like all of this is perfectly fucking normal.

“Sehun,” you breathe out, and you see his expression change at the sudden shift in your tone. “What are we doing?”

“Eating dinner.” He’s not looking at you though, and you can tell he doesn’t want to have this conversation just as much as you.

“No, I mean, why did you even bring me here? You have a girlfriend. You don’t even like me.”

 Sehun gives you a strange, almost hurt look. “Why do you think I don’t like you?”

You tone is incredulous. “Because, before last weekend, you never really talked to me unless it had something to do with sex. Because you spent all summer and most of the beginning of the semester acting like I don’t exist. Because you started dating another girl while we were still sleeping together without even telling me first.”

Your eyes burn then, and you’re suddenly reminded of when you’d first realized he and Irene were together – a memory Sehun doesn’t even know you have.

 He looks away, a dark red flush spreading across his face, his voice low as he mumbles, “I don’t dislike you.”

“But you don’t like me,” your voice is weak. “You don’t respect me, or care about me, or think about me at all unless I’m with another guy and it’s hurting your ego. Isn’t that right, Sehun?”

 He can’t meet your gaze, and that’s answer enough. You haven’t ordered yet – the nervous-looking young waiter assigned to your section is hovering awkwardly, obviously searching for an opening in your conversation to approach your table – but you don’t care. You get to your feet, pushing your chair back in with so much force it jostles the cutlery on the table.

“Y/N.” There’s alarm in Sehun’s tone now, and he’s rising to his feet as well. “Where are you going? It’s a mile back to campus.- ”

You’d rather walk a mile back in the darkness then go anywhere with him.

And that’s exactly what you do, trying to ignore the tears that slip down your cheeks, no matter how hard you try to wipe them away.

#exo #exo kai #exo sehu #kai #oh sehun #exo scenario #exo fic #sekai

[nmddcleo-blog]

Final Project - RamRegistration

Prototype: RamRegistration - a site for Fordham students to look for classes and then register every semester

https://www.figma.com/file/jJe45tswJxL8vA9XUB5CX7/Untitled?node-id=0%3A1

Problem: 

State of the Problem

Right now, Fordham has two different systems that students must use when planning and registering for classes. The first program is DegreeWorks, which shows students which classes they have taken, the classes they are in the process of taking, and the classes they still have to take. This program also allows them to see how many seats are left in the class sections they may want to take the following semester. The second program is Banner, which is split up in the following sections: “Plan Ahead,” “Browse Classes,” and “Register for Classes.” The “Plan Ahead” feature allows students to browse classes by department, course number, attribute, etc. and then add the class they want to their planned schedule. The “Browse Classes” feature allows students to look for classes in the same way that the “Plan Ahead” feature, except students can also narrow down by campus. Despite the fact that searching by campus can be very helpful in narrowing down options (so that students are not looking at 20 pages worth of classes), this feature’s downfall is that students cannot add a class to their plan once they have found one that they like; to do that, they would have to go back to the “Plan Ahead” section of Banner. Finally, the “Register for Classes” feature allows students to submit their pre-created plans on registration day so that they don’t have to face the struggle of looking for classes on that day. The wide array of places that students have to look when they are planning and registering for classes can make the whole process very dizzying and irritating. 

How does this design target the problem?

Through this prototype, I have tried to solve the problems listed above. I asked myself, “how can I create program that incorporates the best and leaves out the worst of Banner and DegreeWorks in a way that makes the program easier for students to use?” As a result, I created a program that is called “RamRegistration,” in which I work to make an easy-to-use combination of the best of what Banner and DegreeWorks have to offer, eliminating the excess steps that students have to take when planning and registering for classes.

Data Collection:

How I got the data

Most of my knowledge and experience came from having to use both Banner and DegreeWorks over several semesters as a Fordham student. Having to have different tabs open in different programs has led to my computer shutting down, all the tabs closing, me losing my place on the programs and having to start all over again, etc. I found myself constantly wishing that all the information I need and all the steps I had to take were in one place so that I wouldn’t get confused or annoyed with how many tabs were open at any given time.

However, I did not inly want my experiences and opinions incorporated in the prototype design. So, I collected more data through a survey on SurveyMonkey that was sent out to the rest of the class. All in all, an average of 10-15 people answered the survey. 

The following are the results of the “Yes or No” questions:

The following are the responses to the question, “What do you wish was different about Banner?”:

- “That it wasn’t so slow during registration”

- “Telling you how many seats are left in each class. Not freezing/glitching when registering.”

- “Run time when it comes to registration”

- “I wish it had the seats left on there”

- “I wish they removed unavailable courses”

The following are response the responses to the question, “What do you wish was different about DegreeWorks?”:

- “I wish I can still check how many seats are in the class even if the core/major is already fulfilled”

- “That I can still check the classes for the requirements I have already met. Also, I wish it only show me the classes that are offered in the following semester, not all the classes under the requirement even if it is not offered (eyes too hurtful to scroll down all those useless info)”

- “I wish someone had taught me how to use it literally even one time like I only just figured out how to use the what if option to see other classes outside of my major”

- “I wish it was easier to read with information about the future course possibilities”

How I used the data

According to the data, all the students who responded use both DegreeWorks and Banner when planning for registration, and over 50% of them had trouble learning how to use DegreeWorks. My data collection also led me to conclude that DegreeWorks is good for finding out which classes you have to take, what the course numbers are for those classes, and how many seats re left in the class. So, I decided that these are elements of DegreeWorks that I wanted to keep in my prototype.

The data also led me to the conclusion that Banner is good for searching for classes, learning which professors teach those classes, and then creating a pre-planned schedule to submit on registration day. Therefore, as students seemed to like these aspects of Banner, I decided I wanted to keep them in my prototype.

Lastly, my data collection showed that almost roughly 94% of the students who responded to my survey find it irritating/confusing when classes are listed on DegreeWorks and Banner when they are not available to take the following semester. Hence, I found it integral to remove the parts of Banner and DegreeWorks that show classes that are not offered by the University the following semester.

RamRegistration

I tried to create a program, RamRegistration, that kept all the good parts and removed all the bad parts of Banner and DegreeWorks. My program allows students to narrow down their search by campus, time and day that class is offered, and semester. RamRegistration only shows the classes that students have yet to complete under their requirements (and only the classes actually being offered the following semester are displayed when the student clicks on a certain course).

I also decided that I would exclude some of the information that students find on DegreeWorks: FIDN, Major, Minor, Concentration, Credits. Instead, I would put these under a separate page in myfordham - something like a student profile that shows all this information. These pages would be linked through myfordham so that the student’s information is transferable for RamRegistration’s algorithm, but will not show up on RamRegistration (the information is not particularly pressing when it comes to actually registering).

Furthermore, Ram Registration shows recommended classes based on your requirements and current plan. This way, when registration day comes along and a student doesn’t get into a class they wanted, they have options from this “Recommended Classes” section; they don’t have to actually search department and course number to find a class they might be able to take.

As for the “Plan” portion of RamRegistration, I decide to reduce the number of plans to one instead of three. I normally tend to use the three plans just to have classes as backup. However, I did not believe that the backup options are no longer necessary since the “Recommended Classes” option exists (I would be willing to revisit this concept in a new iteration, though).

I have also added a section to search for classes that are not a part of the student’s requirements. The student can search based on department, course number, and/or attribute, and only the classes that are actually offered the following semester will show up as options to add to their plan.

Lastly, I am assuming that the smaller volume of data on RamRegistration will reduce the lag that students face while registering. The extra classes that are not really being offered and the ones that do not pertain to the students’ needs are either eliminated by my prototype or by their filters at the homepage of RamRegistration. It is my intention that the site no longer crashes as a result of registration day. 

Universal Principles:

I tried to use as many of the C.R.A.P. Principles as possible when creating this prototype. Below are my explanations of each

Contrast

I tried to stick to the colors that Fordham typically uses in an effort to stay true to the spirit of the University. The banner across the top of each page is maroon and the text is white. The background of the page is white with black text and any other accents are grey. The text headers are maroon. Additionally, all the text is consistent in size, with the headers being a little larger than the rest of the text/information on the page. 

Repetition

As aforementioned, the entire prototype is based around four main colors - maroon, white, black, and grey - to pay tribute to the school colors. There is also a consistent font used called “Gupter.” I decided to use the same font the entire time to emphasize a sense of order in the design. Also, at the top of each page is a maroon banner with the word “RamRegistration”; this is done in an effort to create a consistency within the program so the students know the application.

Alignment

Throughout this prototype, I did my best to use edge alignment to create more visually appealing web page for the students to look at when using RamRegistration. Incorporating alignment throughout the prototype was important because if the program isn’t organized then the registration process isn’t either. Right now, the students suffer through the registration process because Banner and DegreeWorks are poorly designed. It was my intention to make RamRegistration as clean and concise as I could.

Proximity

I worked to effectively space every piece of text in the prototype so that it has both visual appeal and good translation of information. I grouped all the information that was relevant to each other together. For instance, all the incomplete requirements are together at the top left of the page and the recommended classes are together right underneath. Then, I placed all the information on each page that goes more in-depth into the class offerings together. 

First Iteration and Prototype:

Below is the first draft of my prototype:

Originally, I was going to include all the classes that students have taken, are in the process of taking, or have yet to take. However, during my feedback session, a classmate of mine suggested that I only include the classes that the students still have to take; otherwise, there is too much unnecessary information clogging up the page. 

After the feedback session, I also added a “Recommended Classes” section and a place to search for classes that are not part of the students’ requirements. I believe that these are two of the most important sections of my prototype because they give students more options without having to leave the webpage they are looking at.

I also decided to add a specific section where students can narrow down by campus, time, day, and semester: that way, they will only get the results for the classes they actually want. A big problem with Banner and DegreeWorks now is that there is an excessive amount of unnecessary information that confuses the entire registration process: classes that are not actually being offered the following semester, classes at a campus that the student does not want to be at, etc.

Lastly, a classmate of mine suggested that I include a button where students can submit their plans right on the same webpage. I decide to include this piece of feedback because it makes sense that students can submit their plan on the same page that they create their plan. The whole point of creating RamRegistration was to make a program where students have everything they need to create a plan and register all in one place. Hopefully, RamRegistration is what the students at Fordham have been waiting for. 

#final project #prototype #ramregistration

[highlordrhysie]

The high lady and the Suriel

So I had a sudden inspiration and decided to write a part 2 to my other fic ‘the highlord and the Suriel’ and there should also be a part 3 coming out at some point as well! The highlord and the Suriel can be found by searching the tags as I use the app so unfortunately can’t link things with hyperlinks! Hope you enjoy! ( @something-called-sno I thought you might want to be tagged in this one as well seen as it’s the sequel to the one inspired by your post :D)

~ I knew where my mate was with ought even looking. The sensation of being able to feel him through the bond was a comfort I’d grown accustomed to over the last few years, the way emotions and thoughts flowed between us as easily breathing. To imagine my life with ought it now seemed cold and barren, like the winter of a snow covered forest. I felt a returning tug from the other end of the thread and I followed it up to the roof of the town house. Ever since Elain had been around the small garden had exploded with colour, becoming the paradise of vines and flowers in which Rhys now slouched. Wings on full display he had them draped over the back of the bench and was gazing out across Velaris, the horizon turned a warm, radiant orange by the setting sun. The light chiffon of my skirt hissed against the stone as I crossed the path towards him, navigating around the delicate membranes of his wings, before joining him on the bench. Rhys wrapped his arm around me and I rested my head on his shoulder, both of us content with simply enjoying each others company. I sighed, savouring the moment of peace and the view of the city laid out before me. The sight of it never failed to amaze me, especially from above where it’s sprawling mass seemed to merge with the mountains and become one in its embrace. I looked to the male sat beside me and my heart swelled with an overpowering sense of love, because all that joy was down to him. Given life by the many sacrifices he’d made all those years ago. “ I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong Feyre” he sighed, pushing a hand through his hair, leaving it ruffled “Why can’t the bastards just do what they’re told and train the females. We’ve tried everything and yet they still defy me, still treat the females as little more than staff”. Sadness and frustration drifted down the bond and I realised that’s what I’d been feeling these past few days, echoing in the background. “ and that Lord, I shouldn’t have-”

“ hey, stop, look at me Rhys” I cut him off, twisting so that I could face him. He turned towards me and saw the guilt written across his features and it killed me to see how it filled those violet eyes.

Today had been particularly hard on him, on us both. We had winnowed into one of the most rebellious camps and found that one of the Lords there had been secretly clipping the wings of Illyrian females who tried to train. The sight of those poor women, the tears on their faces as they lay in that dingy, make-shift recovery unit made me want to rip the man to shreds. And I would have, I realised. Would have killed him myself, but the moment that foul male entered Rhys’s fury had erupted, leaving the lord as little more than a pile of dust on the floor. I cupped his face in my hand, brushing a thumb over his cheek. “ none of that is your fault. That Lord sealed his fate the moment he disregarded your orders and those females rights” I dropped my hand from his face and used it to intertwine our fingers “ besides, if you hadn’t misted him, either Azriel or I would have found a way to get our hands on him and believe me, the pieces he ended up in then would have been a lot less pleasant than the one you left him in!” Triumph lighted through me as his lips twirled upwards and he nodded slowly, though I could tell he didn’t quite believe me. Something hardened in me then, my love and emotion cementing into a deep determination. I could not let this continue, I had to act. For my mate and for the people who could not do it themselves.

~

The next morning I did what I’d never manage to achieve before. I woke up before my mate. Just as I’d asked her to do Nuala gently shook me awake, handing me a satchel of food and a pile of warm clothing of which I quickly changed into, before pulling open my wardrobe and assessing the fine dresses within. After a moments debate I picked a light gauzy thing I’d hardly worn in the last year and folded it in among the food. “Tell Rhys where i am when he wakes, he’ll be worried, but will hopefully understand enough not to come looking for me” I whispered to Nuala once downstairs. She nodded and with that I stepped away, winnowing from the town house and into the forest. The home and domain of the Suriel.

During the time Rhys had spent trying to catch the Suriel, I had become very familiar with the small part of the forest in which he’d been sure the Suriel lived. To be honest, he hadn’t been far wrong; the only thing he’d underestimated was the wicked intelligence of the Suriel itself. Knowing I could likely be waiting for a while I dragged a stray log over to a mossy patch of ground to use as a back rest and arranged the dress I’d packed neatly a small distance away, placing it so the fabric glittered in the small ray of sunlight filtering through trees. I became very glad for the small comfort of that log during the hours that followed. Every bone in my body ached from sitting so still for so long and it was only those years of hunting in the cold mortal forests that kept me from giving up or loosing my mind to the boredom. The sun had long since passed its meridian when I finally heard a stirring in the foliage near by. All my senses snapped to attention and I listened, taking in every slight rustle and whisper around me as I searched for that one truly distinct sound. Yes, there it was, the subtle clicking of bone fingers tapping together. No other creature made that sound. “ Suriel, I know you’re there” I stayed seated, but my eyes scanned the clearings edge. “ I’ve brought you a gift” I looked away for a moment, just long enough to check the trees behind me for movement. When I turned back the Suriel was stood in front of me, my dress clutched in its bony hands. “ I accept your gift highlady, what knowledge is it that you seek today?” It’s voice was dry and filled with echoes that even after meeting many times before still set bumps along my skin. Unlike that first time though, I’d did not fear it anymore, in fact it even made me smile to see how it’s precious gowns had grown more elaborate with every meeting. “ I want to know how to make the Illyrian lords see sense in the training of females; how to make them respect them and start treating females as their equals.” I’d had all day to come up with the exact phrasing of my question. You never knew how much detail a Suriel would be willing to divulge, so choosing the right words was extremely important. I blinked in surprise as in a strangely elegant movement the Suriel sat down, laying the dress gently over its legs. Black, unearthly eyes met mine from within the shadows of its hood. “ two things must be done highlady, the first is that the females must be given their own space, away from the males so that they can grow confident in themselves,” it twirled the light chiffon between the fingers of one hand, the other tapping away to the rhythm of its words. “ and the second is that the Illyrian lords must be bested, by you highlady. You must fight and beat every single one of them” My eyes widened. I’d never thought of doing either of those things. It seemed such a huge task, especially remembering how well all those males fought, because as much as I disdained them I had to admit they were pretty damn good. But so was I. “Why does it have to be me?” I asked, but it seemed my allowance had run out. “ Do as I say highlady and you will see why for yourself” it replied, clambering back to its feet. A wind blew through as it did, stirring up the silk of its gown and my mouth dropped open, because in that brief moment I caught a definite glimpse of a some very familiar pieces of black lace. Id never thought to wonder, after Rhys had returned, which of the items laid out for it the Suriel had chosen. It seemed we had more similar taste than I’d thought. Suriel glared at me as I made a pathetic attempt to smother my smile then quickly adjusted its gown before disappearing back into the forest. ~

The closed fist came at me faster than any human punch ever could, but I ducked and it whistled past my ear instead of connecting with my face. My breathing was coming fast and so was that of my opponent but everything else around me was silence, my focus narrowed only upon this fight. I feigned left, but threw my punch upwards instead and felt a stab of pain as my fist met his jaw with all my immortal strength. He wobbled, but a flare of his wings and he was balanced again. In that I was at a disadvantage, but over the past few weeks of vigorous training I had learnt a thing or two about wings and with every Lord who came forward to face me I found a new way to use them against them. A new way to make my statement. The last one had gone down with a punch to just the right spot of muscle. The one before, a distracting scratch of a nail along the membrane and this time… meeting my opponents eyes I smirked just before dancing around him and locking my hands onto his wings. And then I pulled downwards, evoking a roar of pain from him as I used the momentum to propel myself up onto his shoulders. He tried to shake me off, but it was far too late. I locked my legs around his neck and leaned all my weight back. The great Fae male toppled under me, roaring even louder with outrage as I skipped out of the way and ended up stood on his chest. Cheers rose up from the people stood around the ring, Mor the loudest, her blonde curls bouncing as she waved. I smiled and waved back. Rhys wasn’t there, I’d refused to let him come and thankfully he had obeyed. Reaching out I offered the lord my hand to help him up and he made to bat it away, but I growled and held it in a bone crushing grip. “ you might be a Lord, but I am your highlady and when I offer you my hand you will take it”. The words were barely audible, but they must have hit their mark because something flickered in his eyes and he begrudgingly accepted my help. As he left the ring I took the opportunity to look at the people gathered to watch and smiled. All around stood females, Illyrian women, some in dresses or smocks and dotted through ought I was pleased to note the dark flash of scaled armour among them. Over the hours I had been fighting they had slowly begun to trickle out from where ever it was they’d been working; growing ever bolder as more and more of their kin came out to watch. They cheered with every opponent I took down and I was sure it was pride I saw smouldering in their eyes as I smiled towards the crowd. “ stop lazing around and get back to your work!” My smile faded as I pivoted towards the voice and found the Lord I’d just beaten snarling at the group of females nearest the rings edge. I took a step forward and saw Mor do the same, but something in the way those females glared at him made me motion for her to stop. “ No” A few gasps echoed around as the dark haired female spoke, her hands fisted at the sides of her filthy apron. “ excuse me, what did you just say?” The lords voice was a growl as he leaned forward until he was nose to nose with the brave female. I expected to see her quail and flinch away from the force of the male dominance radiating from him, but she did no such thing. “ I said no. I will not, because I’m not your slave and I wish to train as the high lord and lady have requested”, then with that she ducked under his arm. She headed towards the ring, but he grabbed her violently by the arm and hauled her back. There was a blur of movement followed by the thud of a fist meeting bone before the Lord dropped to a heap on the floor. Someone swore and my gaze snapped away from him and landed on another female who was shaking out her hand, the knuckles raw and bloody. She was one of the few wearing fighting leathers and that single punch had been enough to knock a full grown male out cold. Her eyes shifted up to me, wide with shock as if she couldn’t quite believe what she’d done and that’s when I realised, realised that this had never been about scaring the males. No, it was to inspire the females. To make them want to fight. A sly smile played across my lips as I extended a hand to both of the females who had defended themselves and said: “ Come, your training starts now”.

#the suriel #my fanfiction #fanfic #sorry about the rubbish paragraphing! #Illyrian equality

[azuregold]

(struggling to figure out how to ask all of them... also obv no spoilers ;u;) okay for character specific questions: 13 I don't think I've questioned any character's actions so ┐( シ)┌ 14 I guess Zoro?? maybe Travis 21 tell me about the human experiences of Luffy! 22 Zoro 30 eh just ramble about the Straw Hats living human lives? 42, 43, 49 & 50 all of the crew when they were in Earthverse !

These were fun! Well, most of them. For questions 21, 30, 42, 43, 49, and 50…they aren't things I've thought too much about before. I'm not in the right frame of mind to try at the moment and I didn't want to let the ask sit there unanswered until I did manage to think of something, so I'm just going to go ahead and skip them for now, sorry! ^^;

1: what inspires you?

Having a good idea I can be excited about? IDK. X'D

2: one of your favorite comments/reviews on this chapter/verse?

I love all my comments. ;u; I love the comments that go into detail about what they thought, the comments that are just a mess of flailing, the comments that tell me they stayed up all night reading, the comments that are just a line or two to say they liked it, and everything in between. Even if I could decide on one to use as an example, I wouldn't want to make anyone feel like I didn't appreciate their comment because it didn't look like that one.

3: what motivates you?

Being excited about an idea, getting to write a part I've been looking forward to, getting a nice comment on a fic, having the house to myself.

4: what time of the day/night do you like to write?

Either afternoon or at night once my mom's gone to bed.

5: do you write scenes in a linear fashion or do you write future scenes/dialogues sometimes?

I'll write snippets of future scenes if I think of something I don't want to lose, but otherwise I write pretty much linearly (aside from going back to rewrite previous scenes/chapters).

6: hardest/easiest character to write for?

I don't know if any of them are easy, exactly. It also depends on the scene and what they're going to be doing. Sometimes I know exactly how they'll behave, and sometimes I just can't picture how a character would react to a particular event or line of dialogue.

But generally Zoro isn't too bad. (Also Travis, because he's my character, though that still doesn't mean I know how he'll respond to things all the time, unfortunately.) Hardest is probably Flirty!Sanji and Franky. I've never tried writing from Franky's point of view, but he's hard enough from someone else's that I'm not eager to try. Chopper and Robin aren't too bad from someone else's POV, but I think I might have trouble writing from theirs. And Luffy can be difficult occasionally, depending on the situation. (Also Sven is hard, even though he’s my character.)

7: hardest/easiest verse to write for?

Well, I only have one at the moment, so… ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Though once I actually start writing some of my other ideas, I have a feeling Mistyverse will still be the easiest, just because I've been working in it for so long.

8: (if you have either or both) how do you manage time with writing, work, school etc.?

Very badly. ^^;; I'm terrible at time management.

9: what tv shows, books, or movies inspire for this verse, if any?

Story-wise, I can't think of anything specific (there may have been and I've just forgotten, but). Character-wise, Archer from Fate/Stay Night and Furuya Rei/Amuro Tōru/Bourbon from Detective Conan were a big influence when I was developing Travis.

10: any writing advice?

I don't feel confident enough to give advice to other people, haha.

11: (if you use) what do you like about archiveofourown?

The tag system. It can be very helpful in finding a certain subject or giving me a better idea of what the fic is about. Also the "mark for later" option. And the ability to have a series. It makes it much easier not to miss things when there are multiple fics in a story. And I like that the author isn't sent a notice when someone subscribes/can’t see the names of people who have subscribed. I feel much less awkward about subscribing to fics that are years old or about a very guilty pleasure. :P

12: anything you would do to make archiveofourown different/change it?

I…kind of have a list…

– Add a way to sort subscriptions by fandom! Sometimes I want to reread fic for a particular series and if I don't remember the title(s), going through multiple pages of fics and opening them one by one is such a pain.

– Give us a way to mark main vs. minor characters and relationships in fics. It's really annoying searching for fics about a certain character or pairing and getting dozens of fics that focus on someone/thing else entirely, with whatever you were looking for getting maybe a couple of scenes in the background. I've seen authors try to tag things to indicate this themselves, but most (including me ^^; ) don't do it, and in any case, I'd like an actual option I can mark in a search.

– It'd be cool to be able to put spoiler warnings on tags. Click to view, highlight, something.

– Filter IDs are very helpful, but it would be so much easier if we could just click a button to exclude things like explicit fics, “multi” fics (I’m so tired of being overrun with smutty “multi” fics when I search for “gen” without a filter), NOTPs, fandoms I don’t like…and so on.

– Being able to choose whether or not crossovers are included in the search results. I like a good crossover, but sometimes I just want fics for the one series.

– Don’t have author replies count under total number of comments. Also a PM system would be nice.

(If any of this is possible and it’s just that I don’t know about it, someone please tell me. X’D)

14: what is the arc for this character (redemption, etc.)?

I find it hard to put things like this into words (and I don't want to give spoilers), so…I'm going to pass on this as well. ^^;

15: ask me any spoilers you’re curious about for a verse, and i’ll post the answer in the tags

I'm glad you didn't ask for any because usually I love giving spoilers but we're far enough into the story now that most things I could say are Big Spoilers for the climax/ending that I really don't want to give away ahead of time. So thanks for not tempting me. XD

16: do you ever hand write? why or why not?

Once in a long while, if I think of a line I don't want to forget after I've turned my computer off, I'll jot it down on a notepad so I'll remember it the next day. Otherwise, no. My handwriting is slow as molasses and makes my hand tired. ^^;

17: do you listen to music while you write?

Almost always. 8D Just instrumentals, though.

18: any fanmixes you’ve made for this fic/verse?

Not really, no. I have a playlist I use when I'm writing scenes with Travis, and I'm working on one for fight scenes in general, but that's the closest I've got.

19: any edits or art you’ve made for this fic/verse/any edits readers have made? if not, what visuals would you use for one?

All the art I've posted for Mistyverse is here (If I get any fanart in the future, that's where it will be, too). I have quite a bit of art I haven't posted, mostly of Travis or unfinished attempts to draw specific scenes (I have an attempted map of the island in OtMS that I'm too embarrassed to look at again X'D).

20: what songs were you listening to during this scene/chapter?Mostly I just shuffle my giant instrumental playlist. Or if I'm in the mood for something new, I go looking on YouTube or similar places for writing playlists. As far as music for specific scenes/chapters, I think I pretty much covered that in question 13 here.

22: favorite line/quote/inner monologue from this character?

Zoro… At the moment, probably:

Zoro's heart had nearly stopped when he'd seen those hands. Or it would have, if he'd still had one.

Damn it, when did I start stealing Brook's lines?

23: feelings on epistolary fic?

It can be interesting. c: I like it best when letters/diary entries/whatever are mixed with more traditional narrative, but they can make for a fun story.

24: do you outline?

Yep! Not super-detailed outlines, usually, but I prefer having some sense of where things are going.

25: if you outline, do you edit it frequently?

Not that often, no. I don't think I've even looked at the outline for FMaA in a while, actually, because things got very vague toward the end, outside of a few specifics, and I have most of the necessary info in my head at this point.

26: anything you’re planning to write in your fic that you’re worried readers might like?

I think this is supposed to be "that you're worried readers might not like". Because otherwise…why would someone liking my stuff make me worried? Barring creepy stalkers and the like. Assuming it's "not"…

Ohhh yeah. I might hide under the covers for about a week when I post those parts… X’D

27: when you read fic, how often do you comment?

Not…very often. ;;OTL I know how much comments mean to writers, especially now that I've had firsthand experience, but I still find it a difficult thing to do. And lately, when I do comment, more often than not I do it anonymously, even if all I have to say is praise. It's just more comfortable for me that way. If I leave a signed in comment, it usually means I really liked the fic.

28: any scene/line you wrote that you didn’t expect to write/that surprised you once it was written?

Uhh…first thing that comes to mind is when they were at the museum and got roped into playing themselves. I had planned for their disguises to be seen through and for it to be assumed that they were cosplaying, but the rest of it just sort of happened. Including Maya; I knew she was going to be in the story, but I didn’t know she was going to be on that island or working at the museum until she showed up in the fruit room. X’D I don’t even remember how I was originally going to introduce her, except that it was going to be a lot closer to the end.

29: do you eat or drink anything while you write?

Not while I'm writing, but I like to have a drink and sometimes a snack before I start. Most often chai. It helps me get in the mood.

32: what are your stats for this story/verse?

Is…this supposed to mean, like…number of kudos/comments/hits. etc? If it means something else, someone tell me and I'll adjust my answer. :P

Just doing the two main fics (and on FFN the shorts are part of OtMS anyway, so):

On the Misty Shore

AO3 – Kudos: 75, Comments: 11, Bookmarks: 10, Hits: 1350

FFN – Reviews: 86, Favorites: 165, Followers: 63, Communities: 1, Views: 21,005

From Mist and Ashes

AO3 – Kudos: 117, Comments: 37, Bookmarks: 17, Hits: 1739

FFN – Reviews: 94, Favorites: 101, Followers: 129, Views: 11.433

33: favorite one-shot you’ve written?

Ah…hmm. I haven't actually written any one-shots as in "self-contained, stand-alone story" yet (I have plans!). Out of the one-shot extras that I wrote for Mistyverse…maybe Proof? It was the most self-indulgent of the three and the most fun to write.

34: a scene/paragraph you wrote that you’re proud of

I'm pretty happy with most of the stuff in chapters 18 and 19…and the scene in 16 where Zoro reveals himself…and Zoro and Travis’s fight in the museum in 15…and probably more that I’m not thinking of, but I’m not going to reread the whole thing again right now. :P

35: any foreshadowing/symbolism you wrote that you hope readers didn’t miss?

Yes, but at the same time I hope most people don't put the pieces together until things get revealed later.

36: any scenes you wrote that parallel the canon verse?

I guess maybe the stuff with Zoro and Chidori in 17? Kind of?

37: do you use quotes in the beginning notes/intro to your chapters? if so, what are some of your favorites/what are their significance?

Nope, I don't.

38: do you title your chapters? what’s your favorite chapter title? what’s its significance/why did you choose it?

Yes, I love titling chapters. Even when I can't think of anything good. Favorite chapter title is definitely Law and Order. Because it has a double meaning/pun (the structure and rules of Whitestone + Law showing up at the end).

39: any alternate fic titles you were considering for this verse?

I had a couple others I was playing with, at least for FMaA, but who knows what they were? Not me. XD

40: chapter you’re most proud of in this verse?

At the moment, I'd say it's a tossup between 15, 16, 18, and 19.

41: chapter that was the most fun to write in this verse?

Hmm. 12 was the easiest, and it's always fun when I'm not struggling with a chapter. The whole arc on Crinia (chapters 13 – 15) was pretty fun, even when it got difficult. 18 – 19, too. And I felt like chapter 20 was crap while I was writing it, but it was silly fun, and it doesn't seem as terrible when I reread it now.

44: have you shared your outline with anyone? if so, what did they think of it?

The outline itself, no. Parts of it are pretty different from what I actually ended up writing; it might be fun to share some of it sometime. c:

45: anyone you share excerpts with?

*pokes you​* And I've posted a few here before, too. They're usually pretty short, though. Just a line or two.

46: story with the most kudos (AO3)?

From Mist and Ashes.

47: story with the most comments?

From Mist and Ashes again. :P

48: a happy future moment you’ve written/have planned for this ship? (will post under read more for spoilers)

*ignores the "ship" part* Hmm…I have no idea if I'll ever actually write it, but in my list of ideas for FMaA bonus scenes I have one where Zoro cooks for everyone (just because he can't eat anymore doesn't mean he can't cook—he lived on that island by himself for a long time before he died, after all). Also (for the benefit of anyone else reading this), sircerenade and I have discussed Brook and Zoro bonding over stuff before (being "grandpa figures", sharing skull/ghost jokes, etc.). Some of it may be more bittersweet than happy, but it’s a cute bittersweet, so.

#From Mist and Ashes

[flabofsteel]

A Birth Control Rant

Since most of my followers on this blog are female, maybe you’ll be able to relate somewhat to my little story I’m about to tell. Please chime in as well with a reblog or a private message if something like this has happened to you before when trying to get birth control.

/rant begins

So like any good woman who has talked herself up into getting a physical exam for um.. that thing between our legs.. I finally got one (after skipping like a year or two - i know i know, I’m a terrible person) on January 16, 2017. 

Went into a new OBGYN that was closer (which I found on ZocDoc). Filled out all the paperwork, had my id/insurance card waiting, etc etc. The whole deal when you’re dealing with a new patient. Waited maybe 10/15 minutes after I had turned into my paperwork to get finally called back and placed into a room. Blood pressure was fine, weight was fine, pulse was fine, etc. I’m just a perfect little blob of a healthy person.

I tell them I’m allergic to penicillin. They ask me what the reaction is. I say “death” because that’s all I’ve ever really been told is what will happen to me if I’m given penicillin. The lady looks at me weirdly a bit, and then I go on to tell her I have aspergers.  She nods, as usual, and then we talk about any physical abuse and I go all into that and finally I ask a simple question about fertility and she gets irritated. “This is your annual exam. If you have questions about fertility you’ll need to make a fertility appointment.” She kind shrugs her nose at me and then leaves. I never see this nurse/woman person again. (I see four people throughout this visit).

Another lady, followed by whom I assume was the doctor (definitely look like her picture) comes in. They talk about the physical exam, and bring up if I had any questions about fertility that definitely was a different visit, and all of this other stuff. My question about fertility was when does the whole 10 - 14 days thing start. DO you start counting the first day of your period or the last day of your period. The lady laughed at me and then of course gave me the answer. 

The exam ended. I was told I’d have test results back in a week, blah blah blah. I got dressed, paid the nice reception lady, and went about my day. A few days later I get a call from an unknown number and like any millennial I ignored it and if it was important they’d leave a voicemail. It was this OBGYN office telling me my results were clear and to have a good day.

Sweet.

Jump to February 20, 2017. It’s been 1 month and 4 days since my annual. 

I get back on ZocDoc because I’m now wanting to get birth control for my period cramps and whatnot and have a better flowing river of blood come out of me and so I find this random ass NP (Nurse Practitioners are allowed to prescribe medication in Texas under  a doctor's supervision). I chose this location and dude for two reasons: He had an appointment at 11:15am and I got off work at 11am, and reason #2 was he was going to be $25 copay instead of the $50 copay I had at the OBGYN. So he was cheap and had the earliest time slot. 

I thought “okay let’s go get some birth control”. Get to this location (it’s inside a fucking hospital - greatttttt). Find the fucking office, walk inside (I’m the only one in this waiting room), I fill out my name on a little scribble piece of paper they had (every one I could see behind the class has on a phone headset and was talking nonstop/the phones were constantly ringing) and I took a seat closest to the window.

Finally after about 5 minutes someone realised I was in the waiting room, came over and took my scribble sheet name paper thing, and went back in to find my file. I was a new patient which pissed off the lady that took my paper to begin with. I walked to the window, id and insurance already in hand, and waited for her to print out the paperwork. She asked for the ID/insurance, handed it to her, she was upset that I already had it available, and gave me the clipboard to go fill out all my information. 

Jump 20 minutes into this. I filled out my information after 5 minutes, handed back to her, and took a seat. By this point there are 7 people besides me in this waiting room. I am the youngest by 40-50 years. The people around me look like death. I’m getting antsy. I don’t want to be here anymore. This is taking to long, what the fuck happened with my paperwork. So the door leading to the back finally opens up and I’m thinking “fuck yeah it’s my turn”. WRONG. Four out of the seven people that came in after me were called to the back. 

Another 20 minutes later the three people who came after me were already in and out and a bunch of new, old people were in the waiting room. I hear my name being mentioned through the class from one of the reception ladies “Has Ms. Collier been seen yet? Has she been seen by Bob?” She turns her head out into the waiting room and I just smile and wave. She calls me to the front. “Has *insert generic name here* given your ID/Insurance card back?” I smile. “No she hasn’t.” Look of panic hits this woman's face. “I’ll go find it for you ASAP” she says as she’s already moving away from the window. I take a seat.

After another 20 minutes, my id/insurance restored to me, I’m finally called to the back. They take my temp, blood pressure, weight, etc. Tell me I look healthy, blah blah blah. The nurse leaves and finally the man of the hour finally appears; Bob.

Now doctors have two types of handshakes; 1. The one that's straight forward out (most common and accepted) and 2. The leaning in kind hung handshake. Mr. Bob decided he was going to pull a #2 - one that was not easily greeted and instead flinched away from. I don’t do hugs. I don’t like them. I just don’t. Most people with autism, especially aspergers, don’t like physical contact - and for me hugs is a BIG ASS NO-NO. This immediately made him uncomfortable.

So he sits down and asks me why I’m in here today. I respond I’m here for birth control. He nods, and asks when my last pap smear was. I tell him January 16th of this year. He responded saying that was very specific. I said if someone put their find up your vagina you’d remember it to. Bob turns red. 

At this point I’m ready just to leave. I’ve spent way to much time here in an uncomfortable environment. I am alone without any comfort items/people available. I am extremely uncomfortable, and when I get extremely uncomfortable I’m usually unable to keep up a very good social front. It’s like a switch almost. I shut down and whatever comes out of my mouth happens and there is no filter. NO. FILTER.

He asks me why I chose this location. I gave him my honest answer. You were cheap and had a time slot available for me after work. He nodded his head. Asked me if I had ever been diagnosed with anything. I said “Aspergers” . He chuckled. Said “I guess it’s mildly moderate”. I grinned back ready to deck this fucker in the face. He then goes on to ask about my family's medical history and I do the best I can.  

Finally he comes and checks out my eyes, ears, and heart. Tells me I’m healthy (no shit..). He then says he wants to have my pap smear result on file and that I should call back up in a week or two to have them fill my prescription. Alright y’all - I’m fucking dumbfounded right now.

WHAT THE FUCK DOES HE MEAN IN A WEEK OR TWO I CAN GET A SIMPLE BIRTH CONTROL PRESCRIPTION SENT IN FOR ME?

At this point I’m at a lost of words, and this fucker, Bob, decides to just throw another curveball. “When was the last time you got a tetanus shot?”  I blink. “What?” He responds, “a tetanus shot?” I ask “When was the last time you can get that as a kid?” Bob said, “11 to 13″ and I said “that’s probably when my last one was.” He nodded and said that he’ll have a nurse come in in a minute, and then I can meet the doctor. 

I’m thinking to myself “Why the fuck do I need to meet a doctor?” The thought of the nurse apparently just went over my head. I sit in this empty room for 5 minutes debating with myself if I should just get up and leave or if I should wait it out. 

The door opens (without a knock).

A nurse comes in with a shot. “Hi Anna my name is *insert generic name* I’m here to give you a tetanus shot.” My eyes go a little wide. I responded out loud instead of inside my head like I thought, “for fucks sake”. She gets a little worried and then asks if anything was wrong. I said no as I take off my sweat shirt. She giggles and goes “this might sting” and I just grinned as she stuck me with a needle. It was about 4 seconds long and I didn’t feel a damn thing. She said “The doctor should be in in a few minutes” and leaves.

Five minutes pass.

Doctor finally comes in. Tries the handshake. At this point I’m not shaking anyone's hands. Bobs whispers “She has Aspergers” to the doctor who then retracts his hands. He takes my chart from Bob and goes “you’re healthy for your age” and I’m just grinning. At this point he asks me if I have any questions. I should have asked why was it going to take two fucking weeks to get birth control, but I just wanted to get the fuck out and said “nope”. He tells me it was nice to meet me and leaves. 

*at some point throughout this visit both, Bob & Doctor whoever, ask me if I work out Sprouts because I’m wearing my Sprouts jacket which just pisses me off more*

Doctor leaves. I leave with Bob as he escorts me to the front reception area to pay. He goes “so just call back up in a week or two to make sure they moved your paperwork and you’re all set” and then he walks away. I have my debit card out ready to pay and escape this fucking hell hole. The lady goes “I’m not sure how much this visit will cost with your insurance”. My copay is SAID on the fucking card. I said “it’s going to be $25″ and hand her my card. She said she needed to make sure, and finally when in fact it was just $25 she took my card, and I paid. 

I’ve never run out of a place faster in my life.

Fast forward the next day. I decided I’m not waiting 2 fucking weeks for birth control. I call the doctor's office I was at yesterday and said have they made any progress. This is when I’m told I’m suppose to call my own OBGYN and have them fax over my results. WHAT THE FUCK. What was the point in taking down my OBGYN’s information if I was going to be the one to fucking do all this goddamn work? 

So at work I call the OBGYN. I call back the doctor. All this fun stuff. I give up. I leave work and call back my OBGYN to see if they had faxed my information yet. I called at 12:13pm. My OBGYN is open Monday to Thursday 8am - 5pm with lunch between the hours of 12 and 2; Friday from 8am - 12pm. 

At this point I just leave a ranting voicemail asking them if they can just prescribe me birth control so I don’t have to deal with this fucking doctors office that would be fantastic. That’s basically what the message was, just a bit more colorful. The lady calls me back around 4pm and says “Yeah we can do that for you. What BC did you need?” I was in awe. So easy. So simple. So not worth the pain I went through the day before for birth control. So I tell the lady what I need and she said “we’ll send that right in for Kroger”.

It’s Wednesday.

I get a call from the doctor's office. “Ms. Collier we’ve sent in your birth control prescription to the Kroger and it should be available some time today if it’s in stock”. 

Later in the day I get two calls from Kroger pharmacy. One of them was telling me that one of my birth control prescriptions needs to be ordered. The other call was telling me that my prescription was ready to be picked up. 

I walk in after work. It’s not very busy. I go up the counter, give the lady my information, and she pulls up my information. She gets confused as to why I have two birth control prescriptions and calls over the man in charge, the Pharmacist. Apparently my insurance is shitty and they had to call it and actually get my ID number otherwise it shows that I was “terminated”. 

30 minutes pass by, and finally I’m able to get the birth control. The doctor made it possible for me to get this birth control for a full year. I get home, pull it out and look at the name, “Tri-Lo-Sprintec”. I’m thinking that sounds like a shitty name for a pill, I wonder if it’s a low-dose or a high-dose birth control. I told Bob I wasn’t allowed high dose because I body couldn’t handle it. 

This fucker not only put me on a high dose birth control pill - IT HAS THE SHITTEST REVIEWS EVER AND SUCKS DONKEY DICK. 

I call back on Thursday and tell Kroger that my OBGYN (totally lying to them at this point) said go ahead and fill her prescription because it was a low dose pill (thanks Google for helping me pick it out) and that it’d be better for me. 

I get a call on Friday that my prescription is ready. I go in, see the same chick you helped me before, get the birth control and leave. Get home to see what I’ve gotten this time out of my goodie bag of birth control and see that was I had ordered “Levora” was in fact substituted for “Portia-28″. At this point I don’t fucking care. I googled and saw it was 6.3/10 star rating instead of a 1 star rating and that made me happy. 

Now all we have to do it wait for my period to start, finish, and then begin this horrible horrible journey.

TLDR;

I got a tetanus shot when I wanted to get birth control. 

#rant #2017 #birth control #blog post

[famedubaitravl]

The Olympian who turned her back on basketball for cricket

INTERVIEW

Bates admits that the extended break might help her extend her career. © Getty

Most self-help books highlight the habit of planning your day beforehand as highly effective. Suzannah aka Suzie Bates is a compulsive planner. Not only does she plot every single day of her regular life, but she even has time slots for activities on holidays.

New Zealand may be out of lockdown after declaring themselves COVID-19 clear, but what did a planner of that degree do during a pandemic that brought the world to a standstill? Improvise. Bates over-nourished her bibliophilic tendencies during the lockdown. Not just in terms of reading, but her journal has seen just as much of her. A fitness fanatic with a large appetite for the outdoors, she ventured into the spiritual and ascetic space of yoga, practising Vinyasa four times a week, and opting for Yin when she pleased.

“Everyone who has played (international cricket) in the last two years has just appreciated the slower pace,” Bates tells Fame Dubai. “Not travelling, not living out of a suitcase, and actually spending weeks at home doing the simple things like laundry and cooking every night. I’ve just enjoyed it a bit more for the time it takes, and just not being in such a rush.”

A coffee-lover who has a loyalty coffee card for an occasional freebie, she brewed herself a cup of Allpress’ filter coffee from a plunger every morning, ran a virtual fitness bootcamp for her friends and has just ordered Alicia Keys’s autobiography, More Myself, after having completed the holocaust-based Cilka’s Journey. She had also taken to complementing her singing skills with some guitar strumming, jamming with her father – who played in a band in his younger days – and spending time with the family.

The enforced break due to the pandemic may have affected cricket in general, but New Zealand were fortunate to avert the full impact of it given that it was at the end of their season. New Zealand’s men team had just hosted India in a full-fledged series, roping in a large part of New Zealand Cricket’s broadcast rights and putting them in good stead.

“We had a tour to Sri Lanka which obviously got cut, but probably it saved New Zealand Cricket in the long run and we weren’t playing until September against Australia. Fingers crossed that might still be able to happen. The timing for New Zealand Cricket… we’ve just been really lucky that it hasn’t affected us but if we can’t get started by our summer, things will look slightly different. But for now, nothing has changed so far,” says Bates, validated by New Zealand Cricket handing out contracts earlier in June. Training has also resumed in phases in the country.

On the home front, Bates admits she has cooked more in the last two months than she has “in a very long time”. It’s safe to assume that period stretches back to her younger days, when she likely had little time for domestic chores as she juggled two sports, playing basketball in the winter and cricket in the summer. At one point she favoured basketball, moving from Dunedin to Christchurch to train with the national basketball team after being picked to represent New Zealand at the 2008 Beijing Olympics.

“I was starstruck by all the athletes there. It was amazing!” she says of her Olympics experience. “I remember walking into the village and just feeling like I had to pinch myself that I was actually there. The food court was unbelievable! It was the biggest food hall I’d ever seen and it was open 24 hours and it had a McDonald’s that was free for 24 hours! We used to go to the food hall as a team and try to spot the most famous person we could see and then try and sit near them to have conversations.

“We were huge fans of the basketball players, so the Dream Team, the USA basketball team were there. They didn’t stay at the village because they were obviously too famous, but the team did get to meet Lebron James and Kobe Bryant and the rest of the Dream Team. That was something I’d never forget. Also getting goosebumps when the Chinese national anthem was playing and the whole crowd was singing, it was a real special experience. It made me want to be an athlete even more after it finished.”

“That’s been the story of World Cups recently when it really mattered, we haven’t been able to step up for whatever reason.” ©Getty

Bates loved both cricket and basketball to a fault, but it was only so long that she could play both at a high level. She was already the captain of the Under-21 basketball team, but Gary Stead offering Bates the responsibility of captaining the cricket side after Aimee Watkins’ retirement call proved to be the game-changer.

“I juggled both and didn’t really want to decide as I loved both. But around 2011 when Gary Stead asked me if I would captain, I really had to think about it because I wouldn’t be able to lead effectively if I had to do both and not attend all the camps. I took a couple of weeks to decide and then committed to cricket, and although I still played (basketball), cricket became the priority. From there, basketball slowly just fell away and I tried to be the best cricketer I could be.”

At the time, women cricketers needed to shuffle jobs on the outside to sustain their cricketing careers. There were policewomen, teachers, lawyers and students who played alongside Bates and cricket was just a hobby, with touring occupying just two to three months of the year – in contrast to the current day. Bates considers herself lucky to grow up in that era.

“Everyone was so excited to tour because it was such a novelty. Getting away from their everyday jobs and playing cricket for your country was pretty cool. It slowly started to change where contracts were offered and people were not doing full-time jobs as much, and were focusing on cricket more. Now we’ve got players whose full-time job and profession is cricket. Someone like Amelia Kerr will have 15 years of being a full-time cricketer. Looking back, if cricket hadn’t been amateur I wouldn’t have been able to do all the things that I’ve done with basketball. It was kind of a blessing that I grew up in the time. Nowadays you sign contracts and people have control over what you can do, but I didn’t sign with New Zealand Cricket until I was maybe 25 or 26.”

Bates is now 32, and one of the most respected all-rounders in the women’s game. A lot of that ability comes down to her being able to maintain her fitness to the level that she has. It was sparked at the age of 15 by a coach who told her she wasn’t fit enough for international basketball. Fitness has subsequently become a way of life. “If I stopped cricket tomorrow, I’d still stay fit and healthy. It’s just ingrained in me and I feel better when I do it,” she says.

Six years into the role, Bates relinquished the captaincy to focus more on her performances, passing the baton on after leading the White Ferns through a period of evolution in women’s cricket. Amy Satterthwaite took over initially, but the birth of her first child had Sophie Devine in charge of the side for the Women’s T20 World Cup earlier this year. Devine was flush in the middle of a spectacular purple patch, and Bates had a strong lead-up to the tournament before falling short in the midst of it – just like the White Ferns, who once again had a disappointing tournament, where they were knocked out just shy of the semifinals.

“We had a tough pool, so we knew we had to play well from the start. We played really well in T20 cricket leading into that. We had a good series against South Africa, we had Sophie Devine in the best form of her life and we had a really balanced team. I guess, in summary, we just weren’t good enough, probably with the bat when we needed to be against India and Australia, who ended up going through to the final. That’s been the story of World Cups recently when it really mattered, we haven’t been able to step up for whatever reason.

“The exciting thing is that we weren’t far off and we had some young players really step up. We’ve got the 50-over World Cup and I know there’s a lot of resources put into that by New Zealand Cricket. The girls are going to be more driven than ever. After that, who knows, there’s meant to be the Twenty20 World Cup in South Africa and Twenty20 in the Commonwealth Games too. I hadn’t thought I could necessarily be a part of that, but with this prolonged break, it might allow me to play a little bit longer, so in my mind there’s three really good opportunities for this team to do something.”

From a bird’s view, not much has changed for cricket in New Zealand or for Bates, who describes herself as “pretty boring” despite her omnifarious interests and skills. She’s as basic as they come; she enjoys a good night’s sleep, getting outdoors and being active. She spends a lot of time with her younger sister, who once played netball but is now a teacher, and their family Maltese Poodle, Murphy. It doesn’t take a lot to entertain her if left alone with her books and Netflix, but in an ideal universe, she would be part of a musical. One of the first things she does when in London is try and attend musicals, especially The Lion King – which she has already seen twice. She’s not particularly a beer person, but loves Japanese beer, New Zealand red wine, and bubbles to celebrate. Otherwise she’s quite happy with her mug of coffee. In all her modern ways, there’s the side of Bates who is as old-school as they come. Simple. Uncomplicated. And with an undying zest for life, who has through faith and love, found her place in the circle of life.

© Fame Dubai

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#Sport

[billietomoxx-blog]

Clowning

CLOWNING- So what’s the purpose of clowning? the idea of clowning was to bring out the inner child, release any thought of doubt and authentically get things wrong and be ok with that, its being vulnerable within your self. strange because most acting we do, everything needs to be filtered and right, but no clowning is less serious and more playful. Thats why we relate it to being a young child again, we were less bothered about who's watching and imagination took us away, we would play the silliest games with our friends and create our own, no rule world. Then i guess as we grow up, all those natural abilities, were taking from us, as we had responsibility and a life of our own which indeed we had to take serious, so i guess clowning is learning to take all those layers away and express it authentically to the audience, i mean its the opposite of a perfectionist, like myself so i knew id struggle however learn a great deal about myself as a individual actress, which is needed for my growth. 

SKILLS AND TECHNIQUES WHICH WE LEARNT- The lessons on clowning, were very fun and exciting and also interesting. We play games which helped us bring out our child like side and encountered fun and being playful the correct word for this is LE JEU, for example the games which we played were, grannies foot steps, funny nun, Crocodile, and my favorite one was this very interesting game were we would have to listen to the banging drum and react, with real emotion and clock that we had been caught, then we’d play ball with another person and show our inner clown, by TAKING RISKS, which was another key factor of clowning and then being able to CLOCK and take a look at the audience with the correct timing. To help us comprehend this more, tutor Josh made us play a simple game of walking down and to CLOCK the audience at the correct time, i found this easy and fun to do. Yet i found i struggled at the Funny nun game, as it helps show the humor you have which each person playing the game, the whole point of the game is to catch someone laughing who you look at and say ‘Its a very sad and sorrow day isn't it’ yet you have to reply and not smile nor laugh, its serious game, the other person gets to be goofy and fun to catch the other person out. I struggled as i laughed at times i shouldn't of due o everyones humor being different of course, and comprehending the unique relationship which everyone in the class, who ever has the best humor together, is more likely going to performing clowning better. The next game was intense, you and your partner standing very close face to face, saying nothing just staring in each others eyes and if one of you even smiles of laugh, then a slap is acceptable for any slip ups, i found myself to be very good at this as i had a lot of intense focus and concentration, et this game depends on the relationship with the other person as this also effect whether you are more likely to laugh or not. I found that when i was with Morgan, i was concentrated fully due to our connection, however when i was with Billy boy it all changed, we were a lot more likely to slip as we have a great fun bond together so it all comes down to the humor connection.

After games where played, this is were practice started and we had a series of noses which in this case were our masks, the first game was pick up a nose and walk into the room and stay still and silent and literally do nothing, i struggled with this one as am very hype and extroverted naturally, so bringing it back was hard as talking and moving about is my usual and how i openly express myself, yet i forgot when wearing mask where now in character, so i should of focused on that more, i learnt that i’m not so confident with doing the opposite of myself with is nothing as am mostly doing everything. The next game we did was telling jokes with one of the noses on, which i found funny to myself, this helps with finding out your true inner clown, which the audience are connected and entertained too. I then found my inner clown was serious and very sensitive, as this is complete opposite of who i am in general. which is why its usually funnier. The next game was to go out the room while students and teacher pick how many items and guide you by saying responding to hot as clapping and not hot by silence, the items they choose you have to figure out what to do with them and the further along the harder it gets. I found this very hard as the audience barely gives you clues or hints and it literally could mean anything, i took the game too seriously which made it way less funny then it could of been, instead i should of enjoyed the journey but as my tutor said i made it into more of a drama. The aim of the game was to play with the audience and do things wrong but enjoy that and take your time to figure it out in your own way.

TEACHERS OF CLOWNING-

Marcel Marceau was a French actor and mime artist most famous for his stage persona as "Bip the Clown". He referred to mime as the "art of silence", and he performed professionally worldwide for over 60 years. This is one of the teachers we looked at for clowning, then there was Decroux the inventor of corporeal mime, he is the first to formalize his art for his teaching, he teach his students to keep their face covered and learn to convey every emotion through their body. As for Marcel he invents a character who combines chaplin movements with the look of harelquin. 

So in lesson, we learnt about Marcel and his mime techniques as these can be very useful for clowning, we practiced games such as being stuck in the box and it’s to do with timing and body structure, this helped us gain an idea of how realistic a certain movement can make you look, i found it pretty easy to do, i think it was just the timing. The next game was pretending someone was on the other end of the rope and trying to pull it up, i found this pretty easy too as i managed to make it look real as i had the correct facial expressions,timing and energy.

CLOWNING FEEDBACK

So my first idea of clowning that i came up with was ‘Being a baby’, i had partnered up with Kenzo at first the idea was exicting and then throughout Kenzo lost motivation and wasnt exicted to work on it with me, which slightly put me off. I decided to dress up as a baby with Kenzo and be in a Play centre, so i bought some dummies and bottles to make it look effective and dress up in kids clothing. The first time we performed, it wasnt really practised we pretty much just improved the whole thing, we just has to found out what type of clown we both were. I found i was and angry and sensitive clown, whereas Kenzo was a sarcastic and bully clown, this worked well as it needs to be like cat and mouse or boss and auguste, shown in a unique way in order to capture the audience eyes. We wrote down a small draft plan to work off and showed the class, it was very funny at first and ideas where floating out,the joshs feedback was saying it  could really work as we was getting laughs out of it , then he said for me to loose the accent so its better and the water as it makes a mess, Kenzo feedback was to play with it more and have fun also doing so. Yet overall the performance was good fun and laughable, then i noticed the more i did it the less funny it got, so i had to switch up with more ideas yet keeping it simple, i tried adding music and it worked for a while, then it kind of lost focus. Personally i found clowning quite difficult either because of how complex my ideas where or the person i was working with, as there was only some Le jeu now and then. I think i needed to focus more on enjoying it too, keeping up the excitement of the piece as this plays a big part when performing it. The final performance actually went better than expected as we added a few more extra parts towards the end which made it a success, however it could of been better if it had a strong idea of the beginning to the end and was kept more fun and risk taking, as i felt it was a little bit safe.

CONCLUSION-

If you're aware of your clowning or your comedy, then the audience starts to become aware that you're aware, and it starts to become a bit smart. This is what stand-up comedians are very good at doing, laughing at their own jokes, and presenting the idea that we live in a comic world, whereas actors have to play characters from the character's point of view, and those characters don't view themselves as being caught in a comic situation. It's actually often the opposite: the characters are in desperate situations and take desperate measures that become funny in themselves. One of the things that clowning requires, as opposed to perhaps drama, is a very strong connection with the audience; you really have to be in tune with the people who are watching you and you have to listen to them very carefully to know how to gauge how far to take things, and then play off this reaction. One of the things I've always found most interesting about 'edgy' clowning is the word edge, meaning the edge of the stage where you have one foot in the audience and one foot in the story and you ride dangerously close to living out of the story and giving the audience what they want, but also being reigned in by the discipline of what you have to do within the story. It is an edge because if you give the audience too much, then you don't have respect for the story, but if you give them too little then you're not playing with them enough. There's a fine edge where a character can be in the middle of something, but the audience's response can draw him out to them. There are two very distinct sorts of clowning: white clowning and black clowning. The white clown is very good at clowning, very good at mime and at generating laughter with an audience and playing with them. The black clown is the anti-clown, and he mocks mime and the idea of needing an audience, and questions how perverse he can be but still get the audience's laughter. He might mime grabbing a female from the audience, putting her on stage and undressing her and then doing the job on her and smacking her on the bum, which sounds ridiculous but the audience is in a state of laughter, so he looks for how he can take it further, to find what they won't laugh at. From this point he puts it back to the audience and basically says that if you are going to laugh at me and find some value in me, then don't try to change me. 

CONSENT with andy-

Taz what is taz?

They deliver one to one sessions, group work, open access, outdoor education, Youth Council and detached youth work sessions. To help keep the youth safe, well educated and able to trust the council at all times, especially emergency.  

We needed to make a drama piece which involves consent which means giving permission, for a certain thing. So the clients from TAZ introduced us with this, and told us we need to make a performance that involves CONSENT and we can perform this is any way as long as it adds every important detail in there and we deliver it in a way that our target audience eg; high school students 13-14 can comprehend, normally small amounts of humor will keep the audience interested, and they will definitely remember it which is good. We figured out a strategy to help us work up with this, which was to do a dance scene at the start about the boy with his girlfriend at his party, shows them dancing together and him getting pressured by his friends to sleep with her and she was getting pressured to drink, this would help us tap into the common social areas were people mostly crack and are more likely to give in as most young people now a days are influenced to drink, so using a common scenario will have more of a impact as it’s really realistic. Further on through the scene she’d get more drunk and be way more vulnerable and he would had given into his friends pressuring him and done the deed without CONSENT and this is where consent is then introduced within a social situation, then the dance would be repeated to the end, so the audience are introduced to it at the start and then it makes sense at the end. My role was to be one of the friends who pressured the boy to have the party and helped him talk to his girlfriend with the right thing to say, helps to show how much pressure the guy was under and it can be really relatable to young people shows the situation had led out of control all over one thing and it seems to be building up and getting worse. After the dance scene he gets mocked on the bus by his friends once again for being a virgin, so this part really highlight he feels worried of being judged and is upset of it happening so somehow feels like the only way to fit in to be socially accepted by his so called friends is by having sex, so then he takes his girlfriend for a meal and meets up with his friend, who were still of course questioning him about his girlfriend and wondering if he had still slept with her, this scene was important as it was the most triggered scene to the point where they almost fight as he was insulted when his friend called him a queer because he didn’t have sex, this the leads him to doing something he really didn’t feel like he wanted to do, yet left with no choice as he felt that odd as although he didn’t fit in, so he decides to prove himself as his friend offers to throw a party for him to loose his virginity too and he agrees but does his girlfriend? This was the sad part yet it involves the matter of consent and how serious of a matter it is, the girlfriend didn’t give consent especially considering she was under the influence of alcohol which makes conditions a lot worse, so the boy continued to peruse her through the night as his friends helped her get more and more drunk to the point where she’s not aware of her surroundings, making it a lot easy for the bad deed to be done, showing us no consent was confirmed leaving her in a very vunerable state, which helps shows awareness in the area of young people drinking alcohol and what it can lead to, I think we brought up more than one issue within consent which would also have a serious impact on people when they watched it. I think the consent piece was really good and effective as the little things such as the text sound effect catched the audience eyes and made them laugh, and the way the dance with the boy and his girlfriend was repetitive it stood out a lot more, stuck with the students. Then toward the end it helped unravel what consent was when the people spoke up on it, as it mentioned the cup of tea which was a great metaphor for people to comprehend it better. I noticed the music was suited for every scene and made it more interesting to watch, as it played a part.

When performing in schools, we noticed the first school was very echoey and it was overlapping sounds from one another, i found personally it was too small to perform in and was quite cramped, so the schools conditions wasn't suitable for such a active physical piece. However it was performed well, other than for going way too fast then it should of been, it was performed well, the only issue was the environment. To make it better we should of had a bigger stage, and found a way to deliver the bed scene so the audience at the back could also see the performance as it was done on the floor and usually they don’t sit on chairs in assembly, you’d just sit on the floor, that helps us adapt for next time if we arrive at a similar situation. The Q&A at the end could of been directed better so that people could ask questions about the characters and their situations that they were in, to get a better understanding.

AUDITIONS-

I had to find a monologue that fitted to me as a person and showed off my best potential, so i asked Andy to help me find a emotional piece, as that’s my strongest point when doing monologues so i found a Scouse play called Unpleasant and i was reading ALI, this was my contemporary piece, for my place in London drama school i would need 1 contemporary and 1 classical piece, so next was my search for a classical piece, this is where i found Ophelia by shakesphere, i found this difficult as i don’t know much about his work, and not done my research on him, so to really comprehend i need to read the text again an again to see the true meaning of the monologue. I performed the contemporary one first, my given feedback was to loose the legs on the table as it’s not needed for the character and it gives odd confusion for character, i got told i need to in tune with the character more and do less pauses, yet my problem was not learning the lines as that’s where the pauses came from. The pauses interrupted my character energy and flow, just when its getting exciting, i pause, however what i did good on was my anger on certain parts which involved in to make it look effective, my character which i played also suited me a lot as i was able to execute the right emotions at times, and the contrast of emotion were shown correctly. So i needed to learn the whole of my monologue to avoid that mistake, next was my classical monologue piece which i found difficult as for most of it, i didn’t over-stand the correct meaning of the piece and the words nor timing, the audience and Andy picked up on this, so may be i need to be spending more time on translating it in English so it makes sense and then am able to deliver it in a more authentic way.  I think i needed to take more time to get the character right too, these little adjustments will make a big improvement.

The feedback we got given off Andy and the students, where effective as it lets us see from and outer perspective, and then when we realise where we go wrong, we can improve from that and get even better, so i think this really helps. We can see the good things and the bad things that needs to be worked on more, and then we get to perform it again for sure to show how much we’ve improved. We also get told whether our work is put down as a Pass,Merit, or Distinction, and its interesting to know why? from the teacher and students.