#i was thinking abt this again bc i think sometimes people want there to be a clear line between 'truth' and 'fiction'

[solargeist]

I love that you went from the watchers being this mildly terrifying force that doesn’t realize they’re terrifying (and traumatizing Grian) side eyeing that one 3L comic you made about the watchers making it a “game” for Grian (still very much thinking about the “yaaaaay you won!”) to now Oh My Gosh A Tiny Being Can We Adopt Him pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease

ehehe i was trying to get my footing !! I think I have a grasp now on how I like writing them now ....

However !! The Watchers still very much traumatize Grian, even though they genuinely do love him, I've said that since the beginning, thats their babeyyyyyyyy Watcher, but still a Watcher nonetheless.

Aethers not exactly excused from this either, she loves him and cares abt him, but shes an angel, she just doesn't understand. She has an issue with..... Toxic positivity ? Shes not very confrontational and doesn't want to have hard conversations with him, its easier to hide things or just comfort him by rubbing his back or hair when hes upset. When Grian asks to visit Evo again early on, she already knows all the players have left, but lets him see for himself anyway. Its like when a kid begs to eat something like cocoa powder, not understanding how bitter it is, so you just let them. So its not a big deal to her, but is to Grian, its the horrifying realization that he is completely alone, all of his friends left, he feels abandoned and betrayed. All good things must come to an end though, she says, nothing lasts forever, except us ! haha !

Not to mention the purposeful sleep deprivation and isolation, the full control over what he eats, where he goes, what he does. Its not very fun being a kid, its hard and no one understands.

Aether didn't originally want to be a parent, nor was she exactly ready for that, so she just did a lot of things that were normal to her, what she went through or what other Watchers had told her. But ! She does care abt him, enough to bend the rules just a tinyyy bittttt sometimes bc ~technically shes allowed to since he's her kid, yes he can go home if he has a headache or eat fish if he asks for it wym.

Theres also Flora, his aunt, she has no interest in kids and sees Grian just as a Watcher in training, this means she's a lot harder on him, but bc he's her sister's kid she doesn't act on this all the time. She also projects her own issues on him, how can you survive or do anything in life if you're not strong ? Here fight this phantom creature you've literally never seen before. Thats as far as their relationship goes, she teaches him to fight. She pets his head sometimes anyway. (kind of like how parents will sometimes force their kids to play sports, or take extra classes, or get frustrated with you over math and you cry over disappointing them)

I don't think the Watchers are intentionally evil, but I don't think they're goofy dumb birds with baby fever either, they're complicated !! There something abt how people who love you can hurt you, and religion can try to save you and it'll doom you instead. (ok they can be a little bit dumb birds sometimes, but they're also righteous angels at the same time)

Its also kinda scary being 25 years old, and then being brought to some place you thought you had equal grounds on, but everyone is taller/stronger and treats you like a child or even a pet, that alone would have some side effects, i imagine.

They're very fun to write abt.

Grian also doesn't often get to see the sun.

#edit: OH I HOPE I DONT SOUND MAD OR ANYTHING !!! I JUST WANTED TO RAMBLE !! <3 /LH #ask #THEY'RE VERY INTERESTING TO ME !!!!! i devote so much time just rotating watchers in my brain #theres also something in there abt being neurodivergent and not fitting into society. you end up traumatized regardless #<- cubito grian is autistic to Me #the watchers have a profound effect on grian's emotional state #the little xelqua stuff is just for me <3 silly side adventure things #evoau

[angellurgy]

its my fault its all my fault and its too late to go back on it everyone hates me or ignores me now even more than the casual exclusion from before. i dont even have the irl friends i came here for i dont have az i dont have anyone and the more im forced to rot away the more i rot the more it festers the more you all forget me but you already forgot me anyway bc i scared ppl too much and one attempt is bad enuff so you cant be worried about more or care after ur just burnt out and i get it but fucking. nothing. i used to be at least like, smth a little. like ppl talked to me sometimes. now im just nothing, isolated little freak who tried to kill itself so gets the ultimate punishment of everything that was the problem before times 1000. mental illness so bad talking is like a battle against myself because ive doing it so little, i cant do anything and i have no help and im too hopeless to even die im trying to work up the effort and energy but it doesnt come so i just rot and dissociate and ramble incessantlt on here hoping someone who i would kill to hear from will msg me or something to tell me that im noy hated or that ppl will start liking me again but it never comes because im rotting so it never changes and i know people hate me for not responding to them while i post shit like this which just makes ppl dislike me or be dissuaded from msging me even more but im just fucking in a pit and every single thing pushes me back in it. im trying to write poetry of the places i go in my dreams but i cant even muster the brajnpower must of the time. even when i retreat into myself and try to think about a future i know from what i see that nothing is possible because of what i am - and i am so fucking sorry for being what i am. i want so much, but i need too much help in order to do it. im too contradictory. too stupid. too 'kicked dog'. ill never escape this at this point. never. all i do is lose more and more, even if the passport application goes thru at this rate idk if ill have anyone to stay with/visit. i just needed fucking help. need help. but im too. helpless. so im just ranting here to no one, annoying my mutuals even more, the ones that have forgotten any memory of me except bad things, and losing even more when i come back. but i cant stop myself from posting bc i have nowhere else to put any thoughts n its the only chance of anything. ive been fucking trying. but. i cant do everything. i cant do most things right now in this state. i need help. but all i do is lose. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee sorry. sorry for not dying. i feel so so so fucking bad. all the time. for not dying and for wasting everyones thoughts and energy. for wasting their hope and their anger. even if im cracked open mentally now i dont think ill ever make up for it until i die. im sorry. no ones gonna fucking read this lol. im still sorry. god i wish anyone still thought abt me. i sont get msgs from anyone anymore except for a couple family. i feel so detached. even tho i want back in. i cant. i forgot how it works. sorry

[dunmeshistash]

I’ve been seeing a lot of complaints abt lack of diversity in dunmeshi since the animation. What do u think abt it? Like I get wanting representation and giving black and brown ppl more characters to relate to would be absolutely fabulous, but I also feel that the western fandom are sometimes too entitled with things like that. I even see some ppl completely discrediting the whole show just bc there wasn’t a black character? This was meant for Japanese ppl. Most mangakas don’t expect their work to be animated initially unless they are already hugely successful and therefore don’t expect to get a major international audience, so the representation they put in will inherently be more relevant to Japanese ppl. But then again Japan does have a small but still significant black population, especially in the big cities so it’s still sth reasonable to ask for. Just, u know, not sth to discredit the whole show for especially considering the medium I think.

I must preface this once again by saying I'm just some guy™️and I'm not gonna say if it is or isn't good representation cause that's subjective. Rather I'll try to explain what I think about people's reactions (cause that's interesting to me)

I understand the complaints about the lack of diversity, and I don't think "this was made for a japanese audience" to be a good argument since the basis of the story and most of the characters are based on western fantasy. So most of the characters aren't even japanese, so it wasn't really a case of relatability.

I believe the arguments of lack of representation dungeon meshi suffers probably comes from a backlash to the overwhelming praise it gets, I think some people (me included sometimes) get a little too overexcited and overpraise it, especially when it comes to the representation.

We compare it to other anime and I think for that we kinda exaggerate on how much representation there actually is, cause most anime has none. So I guess some people dislike that the "bare minimum" is being praised as if is revolutionary, it can be frustrating for someone that wishes for good and real representation for themselves when they see the safest representation ever being praised as something out of the ordinary. I guess anime fans (ME INCLUDED) are like battered partners as soon as we get someone that treats us like human beings well we think they're god lmao.

The internet hates subtlety and critical thinking tho. So "It's not as good representation as you're hyping it up to be" becomes "this has shit representation" and people ignore that it IS a step on the right direction, especially when it comes to anime.

I think dungeon meshi is pretty cool representation wise for what it is tbh, especially when it comes to character design. Ryoko Kui is a master of representing varying people of all shapes and sizes, and I can tell as an artists she makes an effort with what she draws.

Why the main character are the most convetionally atractive well built ones, Why her drawings outside dungeon meshi are so much more diverse than dungeon meshi itself etc is things we can only guess 👍 (remembering that yeah, she doesn't really draw black people even outside dunmeshi)

Anyway once again I just think nuance is the ideal, it doesn't need to be "the best representation ever" nor "the worst representation ever" it is what it is, there's good things about it, bad things about it and okay things about it.

#Plus everyone is racist and you need to make a conscious effort to stop being racist #specially if you live in a mostly homogeneous country #I might be dark skinned but only recently (like in the last 5 years) have I started drawing more dark skinned characters #america is much farther in cultural awareness than many other countries #which isn't an excuse more of an explanation to why its rare to see good representation from anime #dunmeshi complaint

[kroosluvr]

sorry i feel bad for ranting on """Main"" i guess though i kinda keep this more of apersonal blog than a very polished art blog thing. under the cut

things wld be easier if i was just an oc-centric artist (which i kinda am but only to myself in my head) but it Is how it is at this point (i want to draw my ocs more but they never turn out the way i want) and theres just so much i want to draw for the silly little media franchises that happen to capture my stupid little heart and etc.

ahhhhhhhhhhhh ifeel stupid for loving too much or whatever. i dont want to throw a pity party over this either because in the end its just "who cares LOVE WHAT U LOVE DRAW WHAT U WANT" right but in the moment i feel stupid and it sucks and i hate it actually!!!!!!! and i WILL in fact keep drawing hwat i want and what makes me happy but like idkidkdidkgkhw

sometimes i cant help thinking if i was a better artist.,, like more artistically skilled........ would people really say the things they do about the things i draw

^ (Authors note: no one has been mean about the stuff i draw just. side comments i guess lol. from my friends though and not random people . so its harder to just brush off i guess)

like maybe im just not good enough yet. which is fine. spite is actually a really good drawing proponent. but its also just like . when will it be enough to be worth it? will it be worth being my friend now if im a good artist? if i draw what you want? ...........................

its obviously not discounting the people who really enjoy my art style adn what i draw regardless (which im soooo so grateful for bc i never like expect anyone to stick around sicne my fixations change like the wind) but its like... these r the people i spend the most time with . and it sucks. i have to. second guess what i say and what i type and just. ok like i know its not that serious either but i hate it i really dont like it (<- im also just socially anxious if u cant tell)

and its also like i cant just extract myself from my friend group for a while to kinda cool off (read: muster the courage to be an idiot in front of them again) bc ummmmm um i dont have many friends . they are kind of all i got. (which is nice i like small circles(?) im not good at opening up to people.) and i do admire and like them very much but then i just feel like i get bit in the ass all the time (This past month) with shit like this i guess

and honestly like. well half the reason i keep switching fixations is BECAUSE of stuff like this where i feel self conscious of """"Being obsessed"""" over One thing so much so i just immediately switch tracks so fast but its just a cycle (Which i dont see as a bad thing tbh? it keeps my art moving and things fresh so like.)

And honestly i dont really try to . be too vocal about. fandom? stuff? when im with my friends? unless they bring it up first? i got burnt so many times with my vtuber interests so like lol ive Learned. but maybe it slips out too much? bruh. my bad i guess

i have to stop thinking abt this man.., why has this happened to me so many times this past month lol its kind of ridiculous

(Im sure they dont like. mean it. right? ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, if they actually meant it and want me to shut up then they should just actually say so right.,

i just want to draw . its not going to stop me from drawing but damn does it really like rain on my parade or put a dent in my fender or whatever other sayings that i cant think of right now

in the end i really REALLY appreciate frm the very very bottom of my heart everyone that even remotely likes/appreciates my art (especially the persona stuff nowadays bc thats what im mainly pouring all my mental and physical and emotional into) like i really really mean it. because this stuff like my silly comics and stuff is really stuff i make for purely my own heart and just what i want to see kinda. and so it just makes me feel really warm that people also want to see it and keep seeing it and love it and everything like that. and, with all this kind of negative stuff going on i just go back and reread tags and comments and stuff and i feel encouraged to keep going and draw more and everything like that. so like really, truly, thank you. i really never thought so many people would like the stuff i make. even if its not really artistically good, or really deeply interesting, im really happy it could be something special to people out there

#cele talks #sorry for . waves hands . this

[angelsdean]

ruthlessly deleting old 2021/2022 posts (not by me) from my dean studies tag like *click* un-incorporating that from my beliefs system! also the way SO many posts have me like ok uh-huh good aaand then say one completely wrong thing that loses me. it's so many posts.

#it's usually when they randomly drop some line of fanon. like saying dean has never admitted to being wrong in his life #or never expressed an emotion or been vulnerable or doesn't Talk About Feelings or is super duper RepressedTM #like i'm sorry. have you watched the show. oh and have you taken off the sammy POV goggles first? #bc this guy is always crying and being vulnerable and talking about his feelings. he is self-aware. #he may not always want to talk to sam abt things! but he sure does talk about things with other people #do i need to reblog the compilation posts AGAIN? #(also re: his sexualiy? AWARE. sorry i saw him flirt and be flustered by so many men. he knows how he feels.) #and then 'first time ever admitting to being wrong' this one came from a post abt dean's prayer in the trap #like i'm sorry but first of all. dean apologizes more than any other character on the show. there are hard numbers on this. #people have tracked this on spreadsheets. i think ilarual is one of them. #and often he is apologizing for things that aren't even his fault! but he still feels responsible for bc he's been made to feel that way #his whole life!! #other characters *cough samandcas *cough* apologizing Less doesn't mean they've Done less things wrong #it just means they're not owning up to it and brushing it under the rug. something both do frequently. #anyways. aside from apologies. dean also has no problem admitting he's wrong y'know when he's actually wrong #which is less often than you'd think bc he has pretty good instincts and intuition and often suspects things which turn out to be Right #but anyways. another thing abt the trap prayer is. i don't think cas Needed to be forgiven #i think dean was justified in feeling angry w cas over the circumstances leading to the Death of His Mother! totally normal grief response! #i think cas also understands dean to be someone who needs time to process and deal with his feelings (he says as much to jack) #however. despite me not think dean Needs to forgive cas. the thing is. with dean when it comes to cas the forgiveness is implicit #when he says /of course i forgive you/ and in the cut like /of course i wanted you to stay/ like. yes he was mad and dealing with grief #but also. yes cas was already forgiven even back then. he just needed Time to work through the feelings #anyways i think dean says he 'forgives' cas bc it's what CAS needed to hear to stop feeling guilty and dean gives him that closure #but i also think cas was already forgiven even in dean's anger. he wants him there always. i'd rather have you. we can fix this. etc etc #a lot of tags for a non-rebloggable post ajksdfs maybe i'll make these into a real post sometime #vic.txt #dean and feelings #so i can find this all again later

[mewtwo24]

You know idk if it's just me being oblivious af but mxtx sure does enjoy putting her protags through the trolley problem when it comes to her works huh /j

#mdzs #mxtx #i say this not to be critical but because she really does prove how time and again #people want a scapegoat and an easy target to blame #and so much of her work is abt proving how faulty these philosophical absolutes are--nothing is that simple. #literally the arguments made to put everything on wwx (at least for now) appear to be faulty at best #i mean sure sometimes he puts his foot in his mouth but like ;;;;;;;; the kid is just doing his best wtf #everyone out here like WWX IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOU except for lwj and i'm just like #1. hes literally like 16 yrs old or smth #2. whether or not he stepped in during the cave scene was kind of a non-question?????? #the wens were so clearly going to engage in egregeious violence regardless of the rationalizations that came after #pointing fingers is legitimately pointless and fallacious logic #if mianmian wasnt targeted theres really no guarantee smth similar wouldnt have happened #furthermore working tg and refusing to play by wens' rules was p much the only feasible option #lwj was young and afraid and had lost so much but he still had enough clarity to insist on working tg #i also really love what he said abt suffering bc its just true. #the way he claps back to his uncle by saying that nobody would be spared violence and atrocity #the only choice they had was to try to band tg and mitigate the dmg--basically 'war is hell' #i find it such a stark and lovely contrast to the common perception of others abt him #that lwj stands alone and thinks of no one else; quite the contrary #he's v self-contained and v disciplined but he's not indifferent to suffering or apathetic #i think so much of the natural love that blooms between wwx and lwj is rooted in their mutual desire to do good #wwx wants to help--he loves to see people smile. he would do anything to protect the ppl he loves #lwj is honestly the same--he's just more abt structure and stability #wwx is more spontaneous and more attuned to the people around him #im a little shocked that people werent able to tell lwj was just as obsessed with him #just bc wwx is loud and mischievous about his interest doesnt really???? to me mask the ways lwj is so responsive. also i ???????? #still don't understand the mental gymnastics of madame jiang insisting it was all wwx's fault when she literally targeted wen's mistress -> #in retaliation???????????????? all this 'pick your battles what the fuck is wrong with you wwx' and she goes and instigates their wrath?? #i mean idk fellas i was just sitting there like 'you could have handled this so many ways and you picked the TNT option. wat.'

[ariapmdeol]

I talked a bit about this with friends a while back, but one thing i really like about coe is how there isn't a clear line between what counts as fiction and what counts as reality. It's deliberately nebulous, which each layer interacting with the others.

The events of the game happened. It was Recompiled/Reconnected/Reenacted by System.NH, and then Fukao (Sharktale Factory) made it into a game.

But they did not change the events of the story, and they are not the original authors (that would be e7a59e -> 神 -> God, re: dlc 2020 credits). They're observers, after all (re: artbook).

You can see this in the choice in Hermit's Room as well! To choose whether to change things, even if it means losing what you've gained; or to accept that these things happened, because in the end, you gained something from it.

There are several documents and references that intentionally blur the line between what is true and what is fiction. The Post-S Code:DANTE Document, the doc on how people draw lines to define the world around them in chapter 6, Hermit's Room, Seodore's purple text and the message he recorded for YoUser: all of these things add to this idea that the line between the two is blurred. The characters engage with us, the player, and we engage with the characters.

This is a fictional story. But it still shapes and changes us. It exists as a part of us. And that makes it real, doesn't it?

#aria rambles #coe spoilers #gavi no clicky #cell of empireo #i was thinking abt this again bc i think sometimes people want there to be a clear line between 'truth' and 'fiction' #but its more gray than that #deliberately so #i think its fun #i guess this can go in the tag? its not not too cohesive but i think its fine #i can do what i want ^_^

[ajdrawshq]

@ your tags on my post, i am shaking you like a maraca and yelling "YESSSSS"

i wanna see how kh3 tackles that whole thing because it's so eerily similar to what happens in the manga. and in the manga, he is in so much pain and agony, AND HE'S STILL FIGHTING. ROXAS IS THERE WITH HIM, HIS ONLY COMPANION, and then kh3 just tripped and fell on the glass table.

also, i think about this constantly, i want them to do something with it so bad.

YEA i cant wait to see the rest of kh3 manga chapters and how they handle everything, i especially loved the manga versions for days and kh2 and the way their stories were told - even tho kh3 has a Lot going on that might be hard to show well.. amano's been good at it so far tho so i have faith :]

but yeah that whole thing with Roxas is just . oughh. im not gonna lie even i forgot that Roxas was like. still there with Sora when he perishes until i thought abt it writing those tags but now that ive realized that. why the hell did they not take advantage of that!!!! like ok i get that it was more focused on the destiny trio in the ways i talked abt in the tags but yknow. what happened to "he makes up the difference"?? that wouldve been a great moment for it to shine!! ik they already make an example of it during the Xemnas n Saïx fight but still!!

part of me wishes Roxas couldve have more outward influence on Sora the way Ven did. granted, he arguably had an affect on Sora back in kh2, and while i dont remember if it was canon or even intended, that could be applied to both his appearance (his lighter hair, mostly) and his behavior (his hostility towards the organization members; ive seen this argued both as smth Roxas had influence over and purely based on Soras experiences thus far, and i believe in both personally) but Ven in kh3 was literally able to speak and somewhat act through him. im pretty sure this was meant to show that Ven was fully ready to awaken or smth like that, and that wasnt sonething that was needed for Roxas; hes alright, just needed a body/vessel for himself. but i still think itd be a cool way to express the earlier sentiment. and it wouldnt necessarily have to be Roxas "taking over" either, the manga shows very well how Roxas gives Sora strength from within and that he definitely does make a difference

to be fair tho...... whether that wouldve helped Sora in the moment that he gives in to his despair, im not sure. in kh2, both manga and game, hes in a very different mindset than kh3. in that part of the manga especially, despite thinking everyone (except Roxas) is gone for good, he still has the belief that they can live on within him. and that, plus the literal strength hes getting from Roxas, is keeping him going despite it all. in kh3 his self confidence is beyond fucked, and he truly believes in that moment that hes lost Everything, not just his friends. thats hard to come back from

i wonder if he were to remember that Roxas were still there, if that wouldve helped. whether for comfort in the way that hes not really alone then, or for motive to keep living bc if he dies then Roxas is gone too, or whatever reason, i think it couldve changed something, even if its just a little bit. hell, itd have been great if something like that happened afterwards in the final world. id like to think Roxas had a hand in Sora surviving ..... not sure how but its a nice thought. either way i do wish Sora n Roxas' connection and that moment they have in san fransokyo had more....... More. in kh3. it was a great opportunity that they didnt use/forgot about n im now sad abt it forever

#while writing this im now realizing that Sora rly just keeps going thru the 'the real answer was within u all along' thing over n over . #Kairi. Roxas. then Ventus and still Roxas #ANYWAY BACK TO MY MAIN POINT its part of why i love love love the manga i love how they handle Roxas especially #not that i dont like his game stuff tho dont get me wrong. hes one of the most beloved characters for a Reason #its possible that they didnt do anything bc they wanted Roxas' big moment to be when he comes back as himself once n for all #n didnt wanna take away from that maybe ? idk thats pure theorizing here #but also theres that mention of how Jiminy is still with him after death..... and how Naminé appears in the final world n all that..... #thats not related to the previous thing i mentioned it just. feels connected in a way i cant articulate rn #ok my ability to think is going down now thats all i got rn. ty for enabling me again i havent thought abt these guys like this in a While #god. i need to replay kh2 again sometime #kh #ask #storm-driver #as an add on purely for myself - the thing i said at the very beginning of the tags abt the people within being the answer #or important in some way...... he himself is included in that. bc of remind

[bugflies00]

hate when people go Ooooh no your friends aren't annoyed with you thats just your brain being mean Brother i have eyes and also ears i might be oblivious but when we're 2 hours into hanging out and ive managed exactly 1 time to talk without having to be asked to shut up and my friends are clearly on edge to the point of snapping when i ask where the dishwasher is and when they explicitly go "i forgot how overwhelming and loud you are" thats not my brain making up shit theyre clearly annoyed like

#when people online just give blanket statements like Nooo youre not annoying Yes i Am annoying very clearly when this is a reoccuring thing #what i dont get is when people say like. well why dont you just tone it down. like you think im PURPOSEFULLY likethis???? #brother this is the toned down version bc i know my friend's already tired & overwhelmed so im trying not to make too much noise #the worst thing is like they suggested we watch ranboo and thats a bad idea cause then i got excited and like idk i think i jumped or smth #and then that was overwhelming so then we switched to . ithink it was fundy #whos obviously great too but like #idk like i was trying not to react too loudly but then i got excited abt watching ranboo so that didn't exactly help #cause then we can't really watch stuff i wanna watch the most bc like i know i wont be able to contain the fucking. mouthing along and shit #or like tapping my feet idkk #and fucking again this is the toned down version from how i act when im like home alone this is like extra Im Trying To Be Quiet #and it doesnt fucking work because i dont fucking know how to be quiet im so sick of it #cause its clearly not my friend's fault like they get super overwhelmed quickly (also bc theyre autistic) like they cant help it #and it makes them snap sometimes . a lot. point is its not their fault its my responsibility but fucking hell #anywayyyy who want me😁 #alex.rambles.txt

[pepprs]

misery despair suffering etc etc

#purrs #delete later #two thoughts about separate things both causing the despair. thought / thing number 1 which i think ive talked abt on here many times before #but im saying it again: i am not good at being a friend in the ways my friends need me to be a friend. and in the ways friendship is thought #of societally i guess. i isolate myself constantly. i pull away from the opportunity to get closer with people i don’t know as well. i don’t #text back and then when im finally ready it’s been so egregiously long since it was appropriate for me to respond or reciprocate or #whatever it is i am so crushed by guilt and shame and embarrassment that i can’t bring myself to do it. i have so many unread messages and i #wont even let myself open them. and ive been like this for years. and i hurt someone very badly many years ago by being that way. and it was #more complicated than that but sometimes i remember it and how i acted and how i treated them. and i wonder sometimes if they check up on me #and i don’t want to be immature or weird or whatever for talking about it or wondering that openly. but if you do read this and you know who #you are: i am so sorry. i meant whst i said that i would never stop wishing you well and hoping the very best for you. and i hope you have #all of that and more. and im so sorry for not being brave enough to communicate with you or stick around. i really really am. and im sorry #to all the other people i have hurt by pulling away and shutting down and shrinking inside myself and not talking. ik it’s weird to post #that instead of just telling people directly but it’s the guilt. i am fully aware of how many people / groups of people i owe things to / #for but also just… miss. a lot. and want to talk to even though i won’t let myself. i don’t know why im like this and i don’t know how to #stop. but im sorry im not a good friend or even acquaintance or community member. and im talking to everyone now i guess including anyone #reading this bc god knows how many asks and messages i have on here. im sorry. i want to be a better friend. but i also never have spoons. a #and i also want to stay spoonless and cocooned on myself forever and never come out. and i hate that. i want to be a friend. i want to be #kind and giving and loving and generous in the ways you all have been with me. i want to hang out with people and send messages and be there #to lift people up and celebrate with them. but all i can muster is tapping like on social media and it’s horrific. i have gifts to make and #hello / checking in messages to reply to and roleplay starters to post and i just can’t do it right now and im scared i’ll never be able to #again. but it’s a self fulfilling prophecy. if i say i can’t do it then iwont. it’s not enougu to just be aware of it i have to act on it #and change it. but im exhausted and hurting right now and i have been for years and i need to heal first but what if this is healing. #idk. i rambled on that for much longer than i thought i would so nowim gonna say the second thing in a separate post. and it’ll be weird to #post about that in light of this and it’ll be weird to post this at all. but its been weighing on me so heavily today and i don’t want #anyone to think im ignoring them or not aware of being like this or whatever. and posting into the void is easier than telling individual #people to your faces even though i know it’s cowardly. im really truly sorry. i will try to get better once i have the strength to try. #actually yeah no not gonna say the second thing yet. it would be weird to say it now. this needs to sit a little first

[teruthecreator]

trying so hard to be normal but i really don’t think i could survive going to the psych ward and i’m rlly like. bothered my siblings are pushing it so hard

#in neg city #they were rlly like ‘we can’t force you’ but then just kept fucking talking about it #even as i’m crying and saying no no i don’t want to go i’m not going i really don’t want to #and like. idk. when ur sister gets sent to the psych ward at a pivotal point in ur childhood #and that subsequent action adds onto the trauma u were already experiencing at that point like idk man! maybe going to the psych ward would #in fact be very very bad!!! #like any time i think abt the psych ward i think abt my sister one day just disappearing from the house. i think about when the doctors #withheld my letters and i thought my sister either hated me or was fucking dead. i think about having to hide all this agony behind polite #smiles while i was also being bullied mercilessly at school and my CHOIR TEACHER WAS DYING OF CANCER #i think abt the car ride when my aunt told me and my brother that she had to go back in #i think of empty houses and missing places at the dinner table and arguments and so many fucking arguments #i cant go into the psych ward i won’t. and it just felt like that’s all they wanted me to do #and then it became well michelle how do u want us to help u? LEAVE ME ALONE #THATS HOW U HELP. YOU LEAVE ME ALONE AND LET ME FIGURE IT OUT #i get rlly overwhelmed and stressed when too many people are trying to butt their heads in #and i know they mean well but it just feels like they’re both gonna become mom and i’m not talking to mom for THIS EXACT REASON #idk i just don’t think they can help. i get that they’re rlly worried but i can’t let them help i don’t know what they could do #and they wanna talk about this again tomorrow so now i don’t wanna sleep bc i don’t want tomorrow to happen #but i don’t have anything to do bc i’m in such a terrible mood #i rlly wish i wasn’t alive sometimes #clearly i’m putting too much stress on my siblings and mom is probably worried sick but i’ll never kno bc we aren’t talking #i’m just ruining everyone’s life i rlly shouldn’t be on this planet anymore

[hirokiyuu]

i do occasionally think abt how none of the adult stratos are ever oging to be able to do therapy with a real human being again regardless of whether or not the helio has people trained for that bc every single one of htem is going to be deeply aware for the rest of their lives that their previous therapist killed herself over trying to therapize them

#i really do think instances attitude when she talks abt besk is so............... man #i get it. when someone u love kills themself sometimes u blame them for a lot of dif reasons right #it makes sense. why she talks like that. it just also makes me incredibly sad #besk's death is this like......... incredible shadow over everyone's lives and no one ever talks about it bc of guilt or shame #the twins barely know anything about her besides her being an alcoholic which htey already knew #and her suicide #ITS JUST REALLY SAD.......... the hole besk's death left in the ship and the colony is not super obvious at first but like #u can really see it the further u get into the game #in convos with the twins during stuff at the bar just like...... everywhere. u kno #its really fascinating i love besk a lot #again. limitations of child protagonist people arent going to talk abt her as much as u want #its v interesting tho i like besk.......... in case u couldnt tell #anyways. #suicide ment #teenexo stuff #i was a teenage exocolonist spoilers ? #oh yeah going back to instance. i do get it. i do have sympathy #but again Instance Is Trying Her Best And Her Best Is Worse Than Her Not Trying Would Be #(thinkign abt tang) god #(thining abt how tang talks abt her mom) GOD

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

painting a mackerel today :]

#taking a break from digital art for a bit bc my computer is fucked up #so im getting around to finally painting a bunch of little ceramic things ive got laying around #ive got...m tiny glow in the dark ghost..... fish that i am going 2 make into a mackerel.... mushrooms in a lil terrarium #:] #going 2 make mackerel part of my brand more. theyre so pretty #i finally got to the zora in the totk playthru im watching and i looove them so much #i want 2 draw a mackerel zora #u know how. youtubers will sometimes draw themselves/have people draw them as characters in the game theyre playing for thumbnails #randomly got like. the impulse to dothat for myself earlier #god. would love 2 make youtube videos someday. when i havemy own space again and money to afford a non-laptop computer #i wanna be a mackerel zora!!!!!!!!!!!! #i think i wanna make myself a little logo sometime #like.... if i actually am serious abt making sellable art one day (which i would LOVE to do btw) #i wanna.... have a little ghost/mackerel combination logo #like a fish whos body turns to bones halfway down or something. idk. im not super good at concepts like that but i wanna try #im not a graphic design person but... man.. would love 2 have a little guy #idk its ramble time today #having a lot of feelings abt art. pride made me feel things abt being sn artist #i wanna make stuff like that. i wanna be able to sell things like that. #have a little booth i can decorate with moss and mushrooms and fish and ghosts and things. make it Mine. #and make stuff that ppl think is cool. man. idk #head in hands. i have so much work to do

[wollfling]

Alice and the pirates be more generous with your pant leg sizes challenge

#why are you including 30cm extra (or more) in the waist with shirring but make the leg size so unforgiving in comparison #not to complain about my luscious thighs but like. this is the third time getting bottoms from them #where my legs are suffocating but theres a lot of room in the waist. like i can fit my arms in #im just like..... i wish they just made multiple sizes instead of adding waist shirring and calling it a day bc its lazy #and doesnt work for most people... some people i know it does so i guess its better than nothing but like its just misleading in general 😔 #and sometimes they make m size or f size but the difference is miniscule 😑 #i want to lose weight anyways so maybe itll help (tho i have shorts from them that are a lost cause i think) but also i neeeeeed #to get sewing again and make my own stuff. petty to complain instead of just doing it myself i guess tho lol #in no way am i complaining abt the people who fit into them im just saying i wish they had options that fit for me lol #body talking cw #weight cw #just incase! #i got a blouse from bpn thats cute as helllll i wanna start taking outfit pics again #delete later prob

[itsukicoded]

……………………..any time i have to sit & read abt itsuki and his love for art and his need to express himself and his want to envelop the world in something beautiful im just yeah me too me too finally someone who gets it….

#but im so under qualified and tbh im always inspired like constantly inspired but ive really learned to despise the growing period i can’t #bring any vision i have into fruition bc it’s just not gonna be the way i want it and it’ll really make me upset #i want things to be perfect—so i can never create anything bc it’ll always be flawed no matter what i hate to give my all in something that #isn’t going to look that way on the outside so i don’t feel impassioned and i tell ppl i don’t care abt anything when in reality i care abt #EVERYTHING i love poetry i love music i love art im so stunted that it’ll never live up to my own expectations i think i want to stand on #the stage and present something beautiful to someone anyone for it to mean anything to anyone ive always felt that way #i always said i wanted to help people—but i wanted to move them instead a distance together i can’t be of service my days as a caretaker #we’re literally the worst times of my life lol butttttt i love the comfort you can give through music through song those are my passions #music has always been. i keeping saying. stupid shit that doesn’t matter like ‘i wish i had done this when i was younger’ knowing well i #could do it now but im too afraid of the failing the comes with completing something meaningful #and the embarrassment yeah the embarrassment haha im only ever confident when im alone~ but i want to find a way to sing onstage again #sometime this year—find a tribute concert to sing in esp now since that person is moving away i think i can connect to the theater she used #to go to? i just need to experience it again and see where i want to go from there. it’s just really been weighing heavy on me after startin #this game i sounded dramatic when i said enstars is exactly what i needed at the height of my burnout and dissing existential crisis #(of 2022) but it reminded me of the hours i spent learning s/mileage and daydreaming about playing piano & violin and also my obsession w #canterella hahaha am i the only person in the world who doesn’t hate kaito the point being i was like ‘omg fun game abt singers’ and #now im crying bc they all just talk abt how above all else they love singing and they love connecting to others and making ppl feel some #thing it’s so fucked that i can feel this way right now. at the end of it all………thank u haha #personal

[halalhyungwon]

;

#idk like i know life can be frustrating and whatnot #and it can be annoying for people to essentially be like 'just stop being sad/negative lmao #but. your outlook/perspective really changes things and how you (and others) feel #like if the main thing you talk about when you reach out to me #is negative / complaining .. 🙁 #which is okay sometimes but idk just lately it feels like that's always what it is which i mean im sorry life has been tough lately but #I dont message my friends every other time something upsets me but I mean everyone's different I guess #but idk I'm just thinking abt this now bc the thing this person messaged me about definitely could've been like. a good thing. #like it's not as good as they wanted it to be but it happened so like?? #idk #anyway i need to sign up for counseling again lmao way too many thoughts and no idea how to process them #me:rambling