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favorofthewater · 5 years

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So I skipped church again today (I have limited spoons left and I still have work this afternoon) and felt kinda bad. It isn’t that I’m not a Christian because yeah I definitely still am, but it’s an incredibly stressful place and I need to find a new one. Thank God for college forcing that next semester.

Anyway, so I was drinking my coffee and staring out the window lowkey disassociating and it hit me that this kind of time would be nice to have every day. Time for myself where I wasn’t stressed out about one thing or another. And then it hit me that that was the kind of time Good Christians used for bible studies or prayer or whatever so I felt even worse and decided to think about God. Because, like, as you do when you feel bad about skipping church.

ANYWAY BECAUSE I’M RAMBLING I saw a bee and was like... bee. flowers. lilies of the field who piss the hell out of me whenever people are like, you’ll be fine! the lilies! they don’t do shit and they’re pretty and survive anyway!

It’s a shitty sermon people like to recount when they’re like, “God takes care of everything and everyone no matter what they can do!” Which is pretty easily disputed. Lilies supposedly don’t do shit and they’re pretty and survive anyway. If I don’t do shit, I’m failing all my classes and my fibro’s flaring up and no one believes me and my parents think I should have fewer therapy sessions because (a) they’re expensive (which I totally understand and ALSO feel bad about) and (b) I seem to be doing much better (because the worse I’m doing the better my act gets). So what’s with that? Is God taking care of the lilies better than he’s taking care of me? Kind of a dick move.

Before you yell at me for being blasphemous, here’s the thing: the lilies aren’t doing nothing. They’re gathering water and turning their leaves just so to get what’s best for them. And don’t forget what else they’re doing:

Also, I’m like 95% sure I read an article once about plants sending signals and nutrients to each other (just confirmed- they do). They can’t till the fields, sure, but who the hell taught you 9th grade bio, Susan? They’re goddamn lilies. They aren’t precisely the farming type. They do what they can with the tools they’ve got to ensure their survival and the survival of their neighbors.

Thus so with people. Unlike lilies, we actually can till fields (and, like, carry out other helpful self-perpetuating actions) should we choose to. We can talk, we don’t need fungal internets to do so. We have things like money and government and sentience to keep ourselves going as best as we can. Some of us don’t have all those abilities others have, but that doesn’t mean we should go wanting.

TL; DR: God’s given us the tools we need to survive and to help others do the same. The lilies of the field actually do shit to survive, they aren’t just there to look pretty. The metaphor isn’t supposed to tell us that no matter what everything’ll be sunshine and rainbows, but rather that we have the goddamn tools. If someone with the resources to help us all succeed isn’t using them properly? I don’t have to tell you what happens. We already live in that situation.

Ok random Katie-tries-to-be-an-ok-Christian post is over. Here’s a random shout out to @queerchristianaffirmations and @queertheology for like keeping me going sometimes on this trashfire site. I can’t exactly post this kind of stuff anywhere else on the internet and it’s nice to know there are others like me out there!

#christian #gay christian #spoonie #christian spoonie #look man i try #hope this helps someone out #bad christian #mental health #tw chronic pain #lilies of the field #God

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fibropdx · 6 years

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Intro

Well, here we go.

It's currently 10:47 at night. I'm lying on my side in bed, legs stretched out because, even though I'm not currently having an intestinal cramping episode, there is a lot of gurgling going on and we all know how that can lead to one... Well, at least, I know how. This is a fairly recent development for me. I believe two weeks ago (I'm terrible at keeping track of things, a side effect of brain fog and just general forgetfulness, hence this new blog), I woke up in the morning with some sharp pains in my intestines. Really weird. It happened for about 3 minutes, stopped, and then 20 minutes later came back with a vengeance. I called out of work, thinking that it was a stomach virus since a coworker had recently been out sick. I took an anti-nausea pill, ate a couple saltines (a usual safe food for me), and laid down. 20 minutes later, more cramps, with even worse pain than before. But before I get further, a little background for anyone who is wanting to follow along (this blog is for me, but I've made a lot of progress with my health from the experiences of others, and so I know how helpful transparency can be).

I am 29 years old. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia a couple years ago by my PCP whom I've been seeing for about 4-5 years. I've been having Fibro-like symptoms since as young as age 9. I've had many of these symptoms for so long, I went most of my life assuming that everyone had pressure points on their body, that everyone immediately forgets things if they don't focus and write them down right away (ADD and brain fog are not a good pair), that everyone feels every day as if they were in a car wreck that morning, that immediate bruising from lightly bumping into things was normal. I'm still realizing symptoms I have that aren't normal just because I would never think of them as irregular. The last three years has been the worst of it: realizing that my pain levels and symptoms were getting worse, I decided to take a chance and quit my extremely stable job to take a jab at cosmetology school before I couldn't push myself physically anymore. I was on honor roll every term. I had the highest sales ratings in my class. I worked my ass off and pushed through the pain. And I made my Fibro worse because of it. Nearly halfway through my schooling, I realized my brain fog had gotten so bad that I couldn't understand my instructor. There was no way I could make it in an industry that relies on returning clients when I would never know if I had to cancel randomly on my guests. Who would want a hair stylist who cancels last minute because they can't hold their shears that day, or because they're too nauseous to even stand? My pain levels went from a daily manageable 4 (on a scale of 1-10) to a 7 in six months. I had to give up my health insurance (and my ability to see my PCP; thanks, US healthcare) when Ieft my job to pursue my dream. I couldn't risk it getting to a level 10 in the seven more months I had left of school. So, with a debt of $10k and a handful of new symptoms, I dropped out (que "Beauty School Dropout" à la Grease) and took a month off from working or doing anything to sleep and try to recuperate enough to get a job again. My previous employer, wonderful as always, went to the limit to reemploy me, although I couldn't have the job I had before. But, more on that another time.

So, back to the cramps. I mentioned before that, after going to school and making my Fibro worse, my pain levels were at a level 7. Since I'm now back on my old insurance and can see my PCP again, we put me on pain medication to get me down to level 4 again (even a 3 on good days!) A little background for those of you who don't know me: medication isn't my thing. I have NO problem with people who use medication to fix their health, physical and mental. My stubbornness is not a reflection on anyone elses personal decision. If I had listened to my PCP and had started taking pain medication before I made my Fibro worse, maybe I wouldn't be where I am now. Or maybe it would have just masked the issue and I wouldn't know how bad it is. But I digress.

So, TLDR; pain levels are back to a level 4ish on regular medication. These cramps I was now having? A level 9. Easy. I'm super stubborn. I've had period cramps at a level 8, I'll hold out for a lot. A level 9 is my "Time to go to the ER!" level. But this is America. Let's get real. A copay for Urgent Care is more affordable, so the hubby came home from work and took me there. The PA poked around my intestines, asked some questions. Determined it wasn't a virus (no idea how since no blood work or urine sample were done). Gave me a prescription for an antacid (??) and suggested my PCP prescribe me an antispasmatic (because she couldn't?? She didn't say).

My PCP is great. He'll respond to emails, and u already had been in contact with him through email since the morning, hoping there was an easy fix. He sent in the prescription for the antispasmatic, hubby picked it up, and I went home.

I have a great friend whom I've known since middle school. We've always been close, and unfortunately she's my Fibro buddy. She's had it longer than I have, so she's always been a good sounding board for me. So I messaged her about my symptoms. Turns out she's been having this symptom since she was 17 (I cried, I can't imagine living with this pain). Since we didn't know if it was the same thing causing mine (certain foods flare hers up mostly), she gave me instructions on how to take my backup pain medication and dose out everything so that I can sleep and hope everything is fine in the morning, how to position my body to relieve the cramping a little, how to apply deep pressure therapy to help. I really would be lost without her.

So, I slept, woke up probably six times that night from cramping, although thankfully my backup pain meds did help lessen them to where I didn't feel like a scene from Alien was about to happen. I tried to wait it out. By the third day I got in with another PCP at my PCPs office (he didn't have any openings) and she was much more thorough than Urgent Care: urine test, sent me to the nearest hospital for blood work and an ultrasound to rule out appendicitis. Nada.

So, that was two weeks ago. I'm about 75% sure by now that whatever is triggering the cramping is food related. I barely ate anything the four days the cramps were at their worst, and finally braved a slow rise spelt sourdough bread that the hubby had to go to a local bakery to find (thank you, Portland, for being so fresh food centered), and that didn't cause cramping! Hurray! I'm currently on the Low FODMAP diet (and WOW is there a lot of bad info about it on Tumblr) and so far it seems to be helping, although it's hard to stick to it since I already had restrictions in my diet.

And now it's 11:29 at night. Sheesh. I'll try to write another entry tomorrow. My hope is that, as I go along with my blog, the posts will get shorter and become more of a diary of symptoms and perhaps shed some light for me as to what is triggering things. I'm also aware that sometimes the body does things just because it's a jerk ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ But, if you read all this, give yourself a pat on the back and eat some chocolate cake if you can, eat it for me. Because I want it so bad 😂

#fibromyalgia #blog #diary #symptoms #health #personal #symptom diary #low fodmap #pain blog

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suedrawl · 7 years

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[[more]] i've been doing a bit of soul-searching/musing as to why I've struggled for the past few years (or I argue my entire 'career') why it's so dang hard to draw. It's unique for every artist, I think. And a mix of a variety of factors. I'm hoping that writing this out and maybe getting opinions/what have you will help me out. Some of this i'm already clearly aware of. Some I'm just now realizing that it's NOT my fault. and some t hints i'm still guessing on/figuring out. also another preface: i'm not necessarily unique in any of these problems. others struggle as well in this. hopefully this isn't read the wrong way by friends (if you do read this, no pressure if this is too long/boring/etc). the first one that comes to my head is obviously health. I also think this is the main and overarching reason why i struggle. When you mix the variety of chronic illnesses i have, some might argue how i can draw at all? the main reason I push on anyway is out of pure spite/stubbornness (and a lot of fear). Depression makes me disinterested and impassive. Also it causes me to stress out and give up easily--I'm too hard on myself in general, but the depression multiplies that sensation. The adhd causes obviously--attention issues. I can't focus, jump from one task to the next, or even can hyperfocus in an unhealthy pattern on things when i should be drawing. i often choose mundane things that won't require a lot of brain power (farming in a MMO, organizing my pencil box, etc). I think this is sorta a mix between the depression and adhd? idk, still need to research that. And finally, fibromyalgia and my sleeping disorder. This is more obvious and physical. I'm not sure what you guys know about fibromyalgia, but the closest thing i can describe it to is a weird mix between the flu and arthritis with a touch of sensory issues. it's a really weird syndrome so I'll get to the point than ramble on that. It causes me physical pain to draw longer than 20 minutes or so on 'flare' days. then mix in my mysterious sleeping issue (though really it's very much linked to things like depression and the fibro), and i will randomly have sleep attacks. It's kind of scary because i don't want to accidentally associate myself subconsciously to when art happens=time to sleep! yikes. I do also have an anxiety disorder, but I still don't know how severe or how exactly it affects me beyond basic symptoms. But I'll also get back to that in a moment. this isn't to say i'm trying to find excuses. I'm human. I make mistakes, screw up, so forth. I am bad with procrastination, keeping promises/goals, and can generally just be lazy. but I can only take that so far when the evidence is so strong and contrary to what i once believed, you know? This goes back to being a child. It started with my parents fussing (getting borderline emotionally and verbally abusive) that i couldn't focus or finish projects. they ignored a doctor's warning abut health issues (primarily the adhd) and then I started to treat myself badly (though i think my personality has always been hard on myself. it's just a trait). i would beat myself up, punish, and generally make the situation worse without my knowledge of that. I just genuinely, truly believed, that everyone else was akin to my state of being and i was being hugely lazy. that thinking really poisoned and close to ruined myself forever. not quite, but i think it came really close to destroying any hope to me being a functional professional artist. this comes back to the anxiety i think too? but it was a very secretive trait. I remember sometimes having esteem or confidence--but often something would go awry and i'd immediately blame myself. i'd think I was overconfident or egotistical, and i deserved the failing. not a good way to look at things, you know? but that's how i was raised. (honestly, thank god for websites like dA, BZP, and other places that nurtured me in my isolated and bubbled environment. nothing is perfect, but still, it did a lot for me and i would not be the artist i am today without all of y'all and those communities.) but i was (and still am a bit) so stubborn to keep drawing. I knew one thing only that was true, and everything else fell to the self-doubt and fear: I was GOING to be an artist. The pursuit would never end. Taking art away from me would also take my soul. No art felt like not breathing for me. The act of creating things from colours, shapes, and lines was all that gave me a sense of fulfillment. anything else was purely an illusion in a distorted world. I might not be exactly good at the art of drawing and painting, but it felt like where I needed to be, and everything would eventually fall into place. (though i often blamed art for my problems too, though that's another subject for another day) that's all in the past though. it shaped me to be who i am today, and that is that. I shouldn't forget, and it explains a bunch of things for the present, but it will not shape my future and nor should overthink it or not be able to move on. that's a lot hard to say than do though. One final thing, and for awhile I fell into the trap of blaming myself. but i realized this is likely linked to my health too. maybe not fully, because i have proven otherwise, but the fact remains. I lack ideas. I can draw. but what about the story? the subject matter? themes? All of that. my art lacks depth. sure, i can draw a character standing there, or simple scenery, or a random headshot--but if it doesn't connect to the viewer, then what's the point? I mean, everything has a place as some point. And there's nothing wrong with just randomly drawing sometimes. but if i want to get anywhere, I have to start using completed ideas. but the it circles back to my health. when you're so exhausted, depressed, anxious, and physically aching--can you blame anyone for not pushing through with projects and ideas? that takes brainpower and spoons. and with limited resources, you do what you have to do. you begin to portion the little you have. it's clearly not enough for any category, but it's all you have. so you push onward, feeling lifeless and incomplete in eveyrthing. but it's all you have. so what the hell do i do? especially if the health problems are persistent. I'm always going to have these. i guess the only hope is they will become less severe. it's been so long, if ever, that i've been without health problems and a functional brain/body. is there any hope for me?

#personal #sue's life

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