#i've been lately like to my brain rn that seems like a really big task. so i just keep coming on here randomly for a few minutes then | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

arklay · 1 year

Text

WIP DAY.

tagged by @girlbosselrond @morvaris @aartyom @risingsh0t @phillipsgraves @leviiackrman @indorilnerevarine & @denerims over the past month! sorry it's taken me so long to get to anything at all, i'm sure you guys have heard me address it enough, but thank you all so much for continuing to tag me in things while i've been inactive ♡

tagging @aelyosos @brujah @calenhads @florbelles @jendoe @lightwardens @liurnia @nokstella @nuclearstorms @shadowsofrose @shellibisshe @steelport @swordcoasts @wrymbloods @voerman & all of those who tagged me again cause i'm so behind + anyone else who'd like to share anything they're working on, not just writing! ♡

i haven't written anything since the last wip game i did, but i started trying to put diana's timeline together at the start of january, so i mean... i'll show that instead. as you can see, fatigue hasn't let me do much with it even though i've got all of her timeline already done and strewn about all over the place.

started with 1995 onwards cause it was originally going to be an ewskers timeline situation, but then wanted to include all of her backstory so i went back to the start and still have the late 80s and early 90s to get through before then, but yeah :]

it's going to include like all little moments i've thought of between the ewskers just for me and placing them on the timeline, so you can imagine how long this is going to get if i have to go to 2021 for village... like just 1996-1998 is going to be so much... she's very special to me if you couldn't tell already lmaoo

never sharing this though, it's just for me, and like will help for when i do her timeline page (more in-depth version of what's on her oc page) to just run through canon events and brief descriptions and whatnot. you understand.

everything is blurred out besides 1995 ewskers momence and the years, just cause like idk her i feel weird sharing her in-depth backstory unless it's in dms or something, just cause there's lots going on there and yeah. things. idk

i also made a carrd for twt if you wanna have a look at that :] there's some cheeky subtle things with the two resi items i used as pics hehe

actually, you know what, i'll give a lil bit from where i left of with that rewrite anyways, even though it's been months since i wrote it. but why not

Wesker left a fleeting kiss behind her ear then reached around her and hooked his fingers beneath her coat, prompting Diana to glance back at him. But all he did was gently pull it from her shoulders. She watched him from out of the corner of her eye as he hung it up on the rack by the door, his movements careful and almost calculated, until he turned back towards her, and the warmth of his body returned once more. He pressed up against her side this time, as opposed to her back, and one of his hands found a home on her waist. The way the arm it belonged to was resting firmly against her as he began leading her towards the kitchen was comforting, secure, yet unmistakably possessive. And she revelled in it. He had quite the knack for handling her just the way she wanted.

#tag games.#keep going to do picrews and just zoning out 😭 i'm so behind on literally everything but it's fine it's okay (lying)#i'm having a day and a half even though i woke up feeling okay but oh well. my last month has just been like watching videos during the day #or playing games when i have a bit more energy but like i can't do anything that requires me to actually read or write things like words #are just not computing in my brain at the moment but it's okay like i'm just exhausted and hoping soon i can get back to writing because i #still have over 30 wips going lmao but yeah it's been a time a half with lots of appointments and seeing specialists again and trying to #sort things out. i've been more active on twitter which i've mentioned before but it's just because like it's easier for me to sort of just #like and rt things and not having to do my organisation tags and things like i know that sounds so just small and simple but that's how #i've been lately like to my brain rn that seems like a really big task. so i just keep coming on here randomly for a few minutes then #disappearing so i'm sorry that i've definitely missed so much and i haven't been around to just show my appreciation and love to your #creations!! also just everything that happened in december and then a bit at the start of january too like i'm just a lil paranoid about #being on here honestly so i'm trying to get back to it and be okay with posting again and i'm going to make a promise to myself to actually #filter more tags i think? just to help me with like not exposing myself to things that do make me feel uncomfortable in any way!! i'm #rambling now but sorry sometimes i just need to lmaooo idk but yes so cute lil subtle things from my carrd i wanna talk about cause why not #i didn't have to change the blue herb from re0 besides making it brighter because it's already teal toned which is so sexy but i shifted #the hue on the spade key like SLIGHTLY like it was so little. but anyways. i use this emoji ✨ on my twitter name and yes cause sparkles but #also. three stars. the s.t.a.r.s. badge and logo :] then blue herb because i will have no poison in my safe space!!!! take a blue herb or #leave please!! only good vibes and safe space here!! spade key because i'm ace <3 i was going to include the diamond one in there as well #because am demiro and like those are the symbols in the community. ace of spades for ace. diamond for demis (both orientations)#but wasn't sure how to weave the pink through the rest of the carrd even though cyan and pink together is so pretty omg

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rachymarie · 2 months

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Insomnia flaring up lately, woke at 3am or 4am, despite falling asleep at 1am. Consequently feel all over the place today and struck with deliriousness.

Surely I've had good enough attendance lately to warrant a sick day? I've been so "good" despite struggling quite a lot.

It's so bad I watched my phone ring from a known number and didn't pick up or anything even though I have been requesting help from this organisation for like a month. Like i don't have the mental bandwidth to take phone calls rn. But my brain just doesn't feel equipped/organized enough to deal with employment spaces let alone the general public today

I may seem fluent/coherent here idk but really I've been writing rambling comemnts/oversharing across social media all morning

I think it's in everyone's best interests for me to stay home today because i just can't see myself able to keep my trap shut at all and tht can have ramifications

(i mean last week I babbled on about how i left my toenails unattended for so long they cut into my toes until they bled when I was wearing my new shoes for the first time even though I always thought I had narrow/slim feet these shoes in a size too big are even too narrow for my slim feet) and yes I really said all that aloud at work

And now i even just went so far as to repeating the embarrassing tmi story here for... further reach... apparently? But i guess it's no secret that schizospec (let alone a range of other conditions) struggle with basic upkeep or hygiene tasks so fair enough

I just need a break. I don't really get scheduled weeks-long breaks as a volunteer for some reason (I guess that's up to me though) and everyone needs a break

#hyperverbal things #schizospec things #schizospec #personal

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xerospaced · 4 years

Text

So i was curious as to whether a meltdown could be catatonic

As I feel, on an emotional level, that I am having a meltdown but rather than the crying/rocking/moaning/stimming/hyperventilating and what have you

I'm stuck

Like i managed to sit up to plug my phone in coz an hour or so ago coz it hit 1%

But otherwise I've been locked in this position for about 4 hours.

So anyway, I google catatonic meltdown to see if it's a thing

Lo and behold!

Not only is it a thing

But I've been having catatonic episodes for weeks IF NOT MONTHS

The lack of initiation, agitation, limited movement, limited speech, slowness (and I mean wow fucking slowness!! Im moving so slow I am losing literal HOURS without realising it)...

Ykno what

Lemme just post a screencap of the list of presentations

And... it is presentations in autism - I was searching meltdowns so makes sense

What I'm saying is that I have [and have had in various combinations over the past weeks/months] ALL OF THESE FUCKING SYMPTOMS

Even down to the grimacing ayfkm

And the only reason I even noticed the grimacing was coz i realised it was happening a few weeks ago but couldn't seem to stop it and I thought it was fucking odd.

Aggression and difficulty initiating actions CHECK AND FUCKING CHECK- it's getting our of hand.

Hesitations. Repetitive movements! My back is FUCKED coz i can't maintain a suitable seated position for longer than im stuxk thinking about it.

I legit feel like I'm losing my grip on reality. Like I'm not here.

Weirdly... scary to know this is it's own thing I'm experiencing. Daunting. But also - I've been dealing with this my whole life. No exaggeration. Sometimes I have months where I'm clear. But I would say I experience at least half of any one of these given symptoms at any given time.

That's....

Incredibly fucking upsetting if I'm honest.

I kept thinking that one day I would just figure it out.

I will be able to move when I want to. Eat when I should. Pull myself away from my interests when I wish. Not lost untold time getting stuck repeating the same motion with no end goal. Urinate when my bladder is full rather than the last second where my body is right about to override my fuggen brain! Work when I want to work!

But the aggression. These past days. I put it down to PMS - I'm sure it's played it's part. But last weeks. The consistent agitation. The inability to perform any necessary task. Falling behind on my work. The absolutely NOTHING mood. But agitation gnawing away consistently.

I feel like a powder keg.

I have no support.

I have no diagnosis [it's become impossible to believe that I'm wrong about my suspicions of ASD at this point].

I have no idea how to manage it.

And all the live long day it's "try this and try this and figure this out" and I just want to fucking scream because my brain is NOT WORKING!

What's the solution that fixes the line between I WANT to do something and me Actually doing it!?

I want to play sims but even something I actively enjoy I miss out on because I can not initiate action.

Yes, I find it easier to accomplish tasks when I am around people. BUT I AM ALONE 95% OF THE TIME. Soon to be something closer to 99.

SO.......!!??

And I feel guilty

I feel shitty

I'm underperforming!

I work quickly and to a high standard but I'm lagging because I can't start. Or I do start but I can't maintain course.

Im still stuck in the same twisted position as when I started typing this 20 mins ago and I'm sure it hurts but I cant even tell if it hurts anymore.

I can't remember what natural hunger feels like. I'm talking ravenous or nothing - mostly nothing.

And there's been so much going on lately.

And all I'm hearing is what I'm not doing.

What I need to improve.

Where I'm falling short.

Do more. Do More. DO MORE.

My moods are shifting too quick for me to log them. Not that it matters anyway coz I lack the ability to initiate that fucking task too.

There are so many things I want to do. And I know exactly how I want to be living. And I know (from the short few months in which I actually managed it) how good it feels to live the way I want.

But I can't make it happen.

I can't even decide if I should feed myself rn.

All this shit going on has not had me mentally stressed - at points, I'm not exactly big on stressing or worrying - but what has become undeniable is that it has fucked me on a functional basis.

I'm not steering the ship. And I don't know how to take control.

And I'm on a fucking 11 month waiting list for an autism assessment.

When I say life has been Hard.

The ADHD that was only diagnosed last year, the likely undiagnosed ASD, also diagnosed last year was the autoimmune connective tissue disease. Major depressive disorder. Multiple forms of anxiety. The misdiagnosed bpd. And then IF WE REALLY HAVE TO let's add on the self-harm, failed suicide attempt(s), ostracisation, emotional abuse, physical abuse, being literally left for dead, the plethora of hospitalizations as a child, childhood emotional neglect, abandonment, overlooked behavioural issues, teenage self-medicating, bullying, and fuggen MORE

I mean

Life

Fuxking

HARD.

With a brain and a body that won't connect (and is also trying to destroy me for shits and giggles).

And I'm still wanting to keep going.

At this point... purely out of spite.

Because fuck this hand I've been dealt. But Fuck Me if I'm not a sharp son of a bitch! Ima play the fuck out of em.

Almost 27 years I've dragged myself through misery and I'm still in it.

I refuse to tap out now. I got no choice but to make it worth something. To make it matter. To make my existence mean more than a stupid fucking mistake the universe has been trying to erase.

I gotta be in this for Something.

This can't be all life has to give me.

Surely.

#i wanna say... longest post ive made but i think not #catatonic #catatonic meltdown #catatonia #asd #autism #not dx #mental illness #adhd #mental health #chronic illness #uctd #.#big sad #big sigh #mine

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barbiebanker · 2 years

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hello, hopefully you're doing well, but i was wondering: how do you not get burnt out? i have 3 upcoming quizzes this week, 2 projects and some essays due v soon that the stress overwhelms me a bit. im usually someone who can force themselves to hyper focus but honestly just wanted some help getting over the burn out and to keep going. ty in advance :)

hi!!! i think i recognize ur username from my old blog, but i can't be sure! after hearing your schedule, i hope you're doing well too! here are some things i've had to find out (usually the hard way) about avoiding burnout (+lots of tips of how i personally try to get over bad procrastination habits)

(fair warning: it's 12:23 am where im at rn and i took a tiny break to answer this, so if i seem all over the place, sorry!!!)

(edit: SO SORRY FOR THE LATE REPLY. i've been a very busy bee over the past couple of days BAHAHA)

break down your to do list! imagine you open up your planner or your checklist and you see so many assignments and due dates screaming at you. that sounds pretty stressful, right? what i personally like to do is just compartmentalize my tasks/break down my overall schedule or day into tiny, very do-able, less frightening bits and pieces. for some odd reason, my brain thinks breaking up one big assignment into various easy to do tasks makes it seem more manageable. it doesn't really help for quizzes, but for projects or some essays, here's what i would do:

i hope it makes some slight sense! for me, rather than viewing it as "omg i have a big ass essay to complete", it's much more manageable to think to myself "ok, let me just work on the intro first." in my silly little head, if i can just do the intro and get started/get one task done, then it's easier for me to get into a good groove. im feeling productive and happy with myself because yay, i finished a task! ALSO, im sure you already know this, but i highly, highly recommend you outline every essay and plan out your projects/presentations before you start jumping in. no matter how bare bones the outline seems, even merely jotting down a vague idea or a tiny note will help you establish a good enough starting point/provide you with something to go off of is incredibly beneficial. i cannot stress that enough.

the best way to not fall behind is to always try to stay ahead (don't procrastinate!!!) this is easier said than done. it also depends on your sense of urgency, haha. for many people, if it's not due today, then it can be saved for a later date. for my schedule, for example, i don't necessarily have that luxury. i could save my assignments til the day they're due or even the day before they are due, but that would cause an unnecessary amount of stress onto me because every single business prof at my university is notorious for making their stuff due on sundays. (i'll actually be posting my outlook calendar/planner pretty soon to explain my planning system!)

one trick that i don't necessarily recommend because it might end up tripping you up (which is the last thing i want to happen) is to just write in your planner or calendar that something is due a day or two before it actually is. for example, saying that your essay is due on the 25th when in all actuality, it's due on the 27th. either you'll end up getting your due dates screwed up or you'll just think to yourself "nah i know im playing mind games with myself, it's not actually due til later" so then there's no sense of urgency.

another trick is to remember that there is still some urgency even if something isn't necessarily due until later. judging from your schedule, you've got quite a bit on your plate as well. i don't want to send you into a panic, but the more you put off or refuse to work on something, the less time you'll have in the future to actually work on it. "i can do this tomorrow", "i'll do it in a couple hours", "i can come back to this later". chances are, if you're saying this, you need to remind yourself that you've most likely already used that excuse yesterday or the day before. if you feel like you can handle it mentally and physically (e.g. not tired), i would recommend that if you catch yourself making that statement, immediately spend a minimum of 20 mins working on the very task you were trying to avoid. and i mean actively working on it, not just opening your laptop and doing the absolute bare minimum. you'll probably hate it, you'll probably think that you can't wait for the 20 mins to be over, but if you actually do substantial work during that time, there's a little less burden and less stress for the future you. do future you a favor and at least work a little bit. also, after the 20 mins are up, consider this: is your workload at least somewhat lighter? you did something productive, so pat yourself on the back — you deserve a reward. also, you already did a little work now... why not spend another 10 mins on it?

look at how you're spending your time. goes a bit with the last bullet point. try to track the amount of time you do productive work (things you have to do, such as chores, at your job, studying, working on your assignments) versus recreational activities (watching tv, even reading a book for fun, social media). im not saying your life has to be centered all around work; i'd be a hypocrite to say that. im just saying that if you don't work now, you'll be working harder in the future to try to pick up the slack.

this isn't meant to guilt trip you or anything like that, but seriously monitor your time. i like to go on google and use the stopwatch there to track the amount of time i'm actually studying and working on the things i need to. then in my planner, i write how many hours i spent that week "being productive". there are 168 hours in a week — 10% of that is 16.8 or roughly 17 hours. 17 hours of studying seems so boring, but in the grand scheme of things, you can spend literally 90% of your time doing anything else. imagine that: studying 17 hrs a week is only 2 1/2 hrs a day. you could watch a movie or two episodes of a show in that time span, easily. or, you could use that time to actually make a dent in your to-do list. it's important to remember that you are the person in charge of how you spend your time. i'm not trying to sound unsympathetic, because people have a lot on their plates between work or taking care of someone else, so you might not have a straight 2 1/2 hours to dedicate to studying. but chances are, there's going to be a time where you can choose freely what you want to do: something fun or an assignment. if you're reaching a point where the due dates are coming closer, i would say make an attempt to choose the assignment.

reward system! first off, please don't take this as a sign to deprive yourself of essentials. a reward is something you don't really need but really want. don't say "im not going to shower until this essay is done". that's not what im recommending at all!!

if you're like me, you might like shopping. or, you might like a specific candy or snack (please also do not use "i can't eat dinner til i finish this" as a method to force yourself to finish your work!!). maybe you have a favorite tv show that comes out with a new episode every sunday (cough, me with euphoria at the moment). here's the thing: why are you indulging in nonessential items + activities whenever you currently have a list of shit to do? "i'll work on my essay after i finish watching this episode!" im sorry, do people get paid before or after they started working their shifts? because if you give yourself the reward with no work, what is motivating you to complete the work?

use this method sparingly and responsibly!

think big picture!!! i have two whiteboards in my room, both of them hanging right by my desk. the first one, im able to stare at straight ahead of me. it's a message i wrote before my superday that congratulated me on getting the internship at the BB bank i wanted to be at so badly. i wrote this before i even knew i got accepted. after that happened, i added a footnote to it; it's me congratulating myself on securing a full-time offer. it sounds obsessive, but my custom safari homepage is a thumbnail of the bank i'll specifically be at with a quote.

the point of that paragraph is to emphasize that i've purposely surrounded myself with words of encouragement/congratulations and images of where i want to be in the future. i can't avoid it. when im at my desk, thinking i want to put off doing this assignment because it's boring or because im apparently too "tired" for it (yet i can easily get into bed and scroll mindlessly on tiktok for an hour), i can look up at my board or even open up a new tab and see specifically what all this work is for. i'm certain you have big goals of your own, or even small, short-term ones.

let those be both a reminder and a motivator for you when it comes to you asking why should you even bother with these assignments.

find meaning in the work you're doing. i actually enjoy a decent portion of my coursework, even the ones not directly related to my major. always keep an open mind with all your classes; if it's required, chances are there's something about it that can be relevant to improving your overall quality of life or even just helping you develop as a person and give you a new perspective in certain topics.

it's easier to do things and justify doing them whenever they stop being "this lame essay i have to write" and is instead something you consider an opportunity to research something that you've never really knew anything about. even if you hate it, take some time and effort to really get to study the material you're "forced" to work with or learn about. you never know when you may need it; maybe an interviewer in your future has some interest in a niche topic you had to write a paper about.

take breaks!! i sound and seem like a workaholic, i bet. truth be told, im not. some days are going to be a lot harder than others.

it's okay to take a break. it's okay to not follow any of that advice whenever you feel like absolute shit. the fact of the matter is if you're not taking proper care of yourself, you're not going to be taking proper care in the actions you do. as far as schooling goes, anything is better than a zero. in the working world, putting out terrible, half-assed work is bound to get you fired or at least looked down upon.

it's very easy to say "always give everything 110%!!!". absolutely no one is surprised whenever it's hard to give 50% on the really bad days.

know your limits! let me start (what i think to be the most important piece of advice when it comes to avoiding burnout) that i myself had to be told by my prof (bless his heart, he still gets anxious over my schedule more than i do HAHA) and that is “we only have 24 hours in a day; most of us need 30, and we spend several sleeping. it’s hard to be successful if you don’t allow yourself the time to try.”

the fact of the matter is that i work my regular job 3x a week, i currently have a spring internship that i spend the other 3 days a week at, went over the allowed # of college courses someone gets to take (+ these are all upper level courses) and i have family obligations & the need to relax and spend time on myself. it gets difficult (this week proof of that) to juggle all these responsibilities and spend a sufficient amount of time to appropriately apply myself to each task i do. for me, though, im a firm believer in competing with myself. the me from laster semester was already struggling with less responsibilities but i am constantly wanting to be better. i know that for me, it’s a very “do-or-die” situation. i refuse to fail any class, i refuse to get less than what ii expect from myself, i refuse to allow myself to fall behind, and i don’t want to tap out — i want it all; i can’t fathom not doing all of this or having to drop my job or the internship or a class. i know myself & i know that i’ll manage to handle all of this. however, don’t be unrealistic with yourself. set a standard. know that some days you will not want to work at all & that’s okay, but know that it’s equally important to go the extra mile on the days that you are able to work hard. don’t make an impossible schedule that you KNOW will be too overwhelming. don’t put unnecessary strain on yourself if you know you’re prone to burning out.

it’s better to do only a couple of things, take a couple of classes, etc. if you’re able to apply yourself fully and truly succeed in whatever you do rather than take on a million things and be mediocre or struggle to stay afloat.

#q&a #school #college #advice #topic: procrastination #topic: burn out

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xerospaced · 4 years

Text

So i was curious as to whether a meltdown could be catatonic

As I feel, on an emotional level, that I am having a meltdown but rather than the crying/rocking/moaning/stimming/hyperventilating and what have you

I'm stuck

Like i managed to sit up to plug my phone in coz an hour or so ago coz it hit 1%

But otherwise I've been locked in this position for about 4 hours.

So anyway, I google catatonic meltdown to see if it's a thing

Lo and behold!

Not only is it a thing

But I've been having catatonic episodes for weeks IF NOT MONTHS

The lack of initiation, agitation, limited movement, limited speech, slowness (and I mean wow fucking slowness!! Im moving so slow I am losing literal HOURS without realising it)...

Ykno what

Lemme just post a screencap of the list of presentations

And... it is presentations in autism - I was searching meltdowns so makes sense

What I'm saying is that I have [and have had in various combinations over the past weeks/months] ALL OF THESE FUCKING SYMPTOMS

Even down to the grimacing ayfkm

And the only reason I even noticed the grimacing was coz i realised it was happening a few weeks ago but couldn't seem to stop it and I thought it was fucking odd.

Aggression and difficulty initiating actions CHECK AND FUCKING CHECK- it's getting our of hand.

Hesitations. Repetitive movements! My back is FUCKED coz i can't maintain a suitable seated position for longer than im stuxk thinking about it.

I legit feel like I'm losing my grip on reality. Like I'm not here.

That's....

Incredibly fucking upsetting if I'm honest.

I kept thinking that one day I would just figure it out.

I feel like a powder keg.

I have no support.

I have no diagnosis [it's become impossible to believe that I'm wrong about my suspicions of ASD at this point].

I have no idea how to manage it.

And all the live long day it's "try this and try this and figure this out" and I just want to fucking scream because my brain is NOT WORKING!

What's the solution that fixes the line between I WANT to do something and me Actually doing it!?

I want to play sims but even something I actively enjoy I miss out on because I can not initiate action.

Yes, I find it easier to accomplish tasks when I am around people. BUT I AM ALONE 95% OF THE TIME. Soon to be something closer to 99.

SO.......!!??

And I feel guilty

I feel shitty

I'm underperforming!

I work quickly and to a high standard but I'm lagging because I can't start. Or I do start but I can't maintain course.

Im still stuck in the same twisted position as when I started typing this 20 mins ago and I'm sure it hurts but I cant even tell if it hurts anymore.

I can't remember what natural hunger feels like. I'm talking ravenous or nothing - mostly nothing.

And there's been so much going on lately.

And all I'm hearing is what I'm not doing.

What I need to improve.

Where I'm falling short.

Do more. Do More. DO MORE.

My moods are shifting too quick for me to log them. Not that it matters anyway coz I lack the ability to initiate that fucking task too.

There are so many things I want to do. And I know exactly how I want to be living. And I know (from the short few months in which I actually managed it) how good it feels to live the way I want.

But I can't make it happen.

I can't even decide if I should feed myself rn.

All this shit going on has not had me mentally stressed - at points, I'm not exactly big on stressing or worrying - but what has become undeniable is that it has fucked me on a functional basis.

I'm not steering the ship. And I don't know how to take control.

And I'm on a fucking 11 month waiting list for an autism assessment.

When I say life has been Hard.

I mean

Life

Fuxking

HARD.

With a brain and a body that won't connect (and is also trying to destroy me for shits and giggles).

And I'm still wanting to keep going.

At this point... purely out of spite.

Because fuck this hand I've been dealt. But Fuck Me if I'm not a sharp son of a bitch! Ima play the fuck out of em.

Almost 27 years I've dragged myself through misery and I'm still in it.

I refuse to tap out now. I got no choice but to make it worth something. To make it matter. To make my existence mean more than a stupid fucking mistake the universe has been trying to erase.

I gotta be in this for Something.

This can't be all life has to give me.

Surely.

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