#idk what it is about this quote it. really got me

[swanbelly]

i'm taking him home to my willow tree i will bury him among the roots so he can be with me

@whatlurksbean

#my art #fanart #tusk #ray #idk what it is about this quote it. really got me #i was on the verge of crying for the past few scenes and that one broke me #i tried to make the paint on the walls look like a willow tree instead of a palm tree.... #he is there ... under the willow tree with her.... #i also had to size this down SO MUCH for tumblr to accept it. christ

[aphel1on]

not sure how to phrase this but something i have been ruminating on recently is that xue yang is strangely fragile. obviously he is also incredibly resilient. he survived, and continues to survive, impossible things. he has a million barriers between himself and the world, but none of this actually matters when it comes to what he feels. everything is personal to him. everything pierces straight through all that armor and goes right to his battered heart, the heart that no one else believes he has. that even he is not fully cognizant of. the world strikes and strikes and strikes and so he strikes and strikes and strikes back, even (especially) when the wound is something other people would not think worthy of retribution.

xue yang would never realize this- would be outraged at the concept of it- but the way everything, everything is something to rally a defense against is in itself a form of fragility. he does not know how to let go of things, or let them pass him by. passivity is death. so he is ruthlessly cruel and violent. he projects himself as a lunatic untouchable by anything you might possibly do to him, and on some level he even believes this. but in actuality he is one raw emotional wound. he never learned to separate himself from his emotions, much less process them. the volatility is not so much insanity as it is the constant lashing out of an animal in a trap, and the trap is the world, and the trap is himself, and he is never going to get out. and like so much else, this pain is just part of the background radiation of his life. it hardly registers. to be able to register the hurt, you would have to be able to register a time in which you were not hurt.

i feel like it is a fragility that could blossom into such tenderness, given exactly the right set of circumstances. how at the very first touch of softness in his life he fell into a domesticity from which he never recovered. how much was there, still, to be salvaged from the cruelty. on some level i am always thinking about the little apple bunnies. about the meal for daozhang and the straw in a-qing's bed.

it was too little, too late. it shattered like glass when the world intruded back in. but the tenderness was there. no one, least of all xue yang, knows what might have happened had it been unearthed in him any sooner.

#he is easy to hurt. this is a fact. it is also anathema to his own self conception as well as the model of him in anyone elses minds. #xue yang #yi city #mdzs #aphelion.txt #xy #Contact is crisis; every touch is a modified blow #<- xycore anne carson quote. if you even care #meta #i guess? idk #it is always character analysis hour in my head #with a disclaimer that whether or not someone experiences empathy is NOT correlated to their morality #i dont think its necessarily that xy is incapable of empathy it's that any empathy that might exist in him is deeply deeply repressed #bc he views it as a death warrant. he (at every moment in his head and really quite often in reality) is on trial for his life #and it would be suicidal to give a shit about anyone who is not him. #especially since he knows- down to his bones- that no one is ever going to give a shit about him EXCEPT FOR him #the one chance he ever got to escape this cycle of brutality came with an expiration date built in by consequence of his past atrocities #and he only first started to comprehend anything about his own emotions after it was all already irrevocably fucked #in canon he is doomed. in fandom i am always picking him up and putting him somewhere kinder #shakes you by the shoulders do you understand what he does to me. do you. do you #if you tell me im excusing his crimes i will kill you w my lazer beam. #this isnt ABOUT THAT. this is ME BEING UNHINGED ABT HIS PSYCHOLOGY in a moral vaccuum. #i'm not saying 'hes sensitive uwu' but like i kind of am. unfortunately it mostly just motivates him to murder people #OH and when i connect the fragility to the tenderness i dont mean that i believe hes like. secretly soft #i mean that being as he is so deeply impacted by people's slights against him. he is just as deeply impacted by people's kindnesses #and he's not incapable of reciprocating it. he is INCREDIBLY fucking bad at it. but not incapable #ok i have to post this before i feel compelled to ramble any longer in the tags. jesus #got consumed by my a-yang feelings on a sunday morning sorry #not sure why i worded it as 'continues to survive' other than a constant subconscious denial that xue yang is dead

[wiseatom]

i tried for a well thought out post. instead you get this mess that i’m begging you not to twist:

the outraged cries of “cliques” are people being actual friends with each other. the people complaining about certain blogs or creators being on pedestals are usually the same people putting them there. i’m not one to belittle feelings - i understand where the upset is coming from. i even understand my place in it! but at the end of the day, we’re working ourselves up over what? notes? followers? hits on a fic? things based on luck and timing??

i can only speak for myself, but i work a full time job and i’m hard scheduled 45 hours a week. all of my free time goes towards fic writing, because that’s For Me and that’s what’s important for my mental health, and even then, i am usually too exhausted to do that. i would love to read fic and interact more! my to-read list is a mile long! it is just genuinely hard for me to find the time. i prioritize my friends because they are my friends — real, actual people i know beyond tumblr mutualship, who i talk to about more than just fic writing — and even then i am late getting around to it. i’m not saying this as a “woe is me, my life is hard” moment, but moreso trying to offer a perspective that is not even being thought of. and i get it, no one wants to hear it, because you’re frustrated, and being vocal about frustration feels nice (i know, bc here i am)!!

someone is going to come for my throat for making this post as a “big author” and “part of the clique we’re all vagueing” and maybe it’s juuuuust me but like. if you’re that unhappy, log off. if seeing a friend group you’re not part of interacting makes you unhappy, log off. if seeing the engagement other people get on their posts or fic or art makes you unhappy, log off. you cannot force people to interact with you or your creative work, and aggressively posting about it when they don’t is not inviting them to. i am begging you to stop having expectations of people you do not know, because at the end of the day, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.

#i will be the first to recognize my quote unquote privilege when it comes to this topic lol #but it’s like. idk. you’re welcome to reply to this or rb with thoughts or tear up my ask box lmfao #i’ve been trying to word this more eloquently for hours and this is all i’ve got #but yk. whatever. i still can’t even word what i’m trying to say #know that this comes from a place of genuine concern and kindness i really am not trying to sound like a bitch here lol #again feel free to ask for clarification or whateva cheddar but the hostility has been Poppin #and i know y’all gonna be like IF YOU THINK THE POST IS ABOUT YOU IT PROBABLY IS!! #and it’s like ok well i think it’s interesting that i made a silly blog for a silly fic and made silly promo stuff with my silly friends #and suddenly we clique posting again. like i’m not being so conceited as to say OBVIOUSLY this is abt me but the timing is interesting lol. #believe me i would love to have time to read more things so like. tell me what you want fr lol #i know this is abt to get me into a mess lmfao hitting post anyway

[charlotte-family-apologist]

What.. Do you think Sonya and Kenshi's relationship would be like 👂

Okay this one has me thinking-

Sonya and Kenshi, compared to their respective partners, are quite reserved. Though they both have an attitude problem and I can see them bickering a lot, but not to the extent that they do with Johnny or Suchin (it’s playful bickering but bickering nonetheless). I can see them easily losing track of time by talking to each other or simply resting side to side in silence.

As for conflicts, I feel as if their stubbornness would be a big issue. In getting together and communicating. I do feel like Kenshi would be the more understanding of the two despite his pride. Their combined impulsiveness is also a problem and I imagine them to argue about that. Kenshi being a wanderer and freelance spy (idk how to word what Kenshi does 😭) and Sonya being content in one place leads to them not seeing each other for periods of time.

As for them getting together 😈 it was Sonya who made the first move, though it wasn’t with romantic intent in the beginning. Sonya being the coffee shop fanatic she is (personal headcanon) asked Kenshi to meet her at her favorite one to work on a joint case, something she does occasionally to relax while still getting work done. He accepts and they meet there several times before finishing the case.

It becomes a tradition for them to go to said coffee shop whenever they get joint cases. And one day Kenshi comes into office and notices that Sonya’s having a bad day and brings her a coffee from there, having memorized her order long ago. He starts to do this when they don’t have joint cases and one day she, somewhat awkwardly, invites him to get coffe with her outside of work and things evolve from there 🤭

I’m not sure how Takeda would react but considering his telepathic abilities he’s not having a good time (he already has to deal with subscorp why his bio dad too 😔 I do think he’d be reluctantly happy for them though). Cassie goes through the 5 stages of grief after the announcement before deciding, yeah, Kenshi’s pretty chill and her mom deserves to be happy. I don’t think she’d ever call him anything relating to dad but rather uncle or something.

Cassie does has some resentment over the fact that her parents won’t ever be together but she doesn’t want to cause drama. Johnny’s conflicted about the whole thing as he still loves Sonya and had been getting closer to Kenshi the past few years but he’s also happy for them and is loud about it.

(There is kencageblade potential here 👀 if we want to go that route)

#sorry this took so long to answer it got buried under requests #and I had to think on it since I never really thought about it in depth #I did enjoy this tho 🤭 #kenshi takahashi #sonya blade #sonshi #swordblade #I feel as we as a fandom need to decide on a proper ship name 😭 idk what I’m doinggg #mortal kombat #mortal kombat x #mkx #mortal kombat headcanons #non art post #I might fic this 🫵 but don’t quote me on that

[dykeinthedark]

venting in tags about gender n shit (long as hell) (u can comment and talk 2 me as always :3)

#okay so i got a really masc haircut about a month ago and i know it's just a haircut but holy shit has it changed EVERYTHING for me #like.... i've always leaned masc except 1) before i came out 2) when i was actively in love with someone who i knew liked femmes #and they always described me as a fem. because that's what i showed her. because i wanted to be with her. #but lowkey whenever i'm in a not-impressing-anyone raw-dogging-life-no-crush era i always resort to a very masc style #like masc being my default and i'd only lean fem to impress people whether it's for love or peer pressure in a specific setting #like ''dressing up'' has always been a form of drag to me. like something i HAD to do to fit in or impress my parents (scott favor core) #but ever since this haircut i've realized... i could just BE masc innately like i really don't have to be womanly if i don't want to #which i usually don't. again i have only ever dressed fem for other people. but it's not even being masc that attracts me on its own #it's like. being masc in a distinctly lesbian way. as in whenever i look in the mirror i don't wanna be like a Guy i wanna be a dyke. #like lesbian as a gender identity too sort of thing honestly. okay i've been waffling but basically i sort of want to call myself butch #but i don't know if i like... can?? if i'm allowed to??? #everyone always says it's MORE than just wearing boy clothes and not wearing makeup and having short hair (which i already do all those) #i mean i've always id'd as genderqueer because it literally just means gender weird and i experience gender in a queer way #what's probably the most telling is that my friends (all queer) CALL me a butch lesbian #like every time they do i feel really internally validated. it's not just my clothes but my personality too ig is what people tell me #i have a higher pitched voice relatively speaking but apparently the way i talk is quote ''very clockably into women'' #which?? gender euphoria asf. my best friend specifically he (gay trans guy) always uses butch to describe me very intuitively #people have also noticed that i ''transitioned'' in all aspects except hormonally. like ppl have commented and noticed my masculinzation #but at the same time i always feel rly haunted by my ex relationships because one wanted me to be more masc #(she's the one who came out as straight and would treat me like a man) which i didn't like and i didn't like playing up being fem either #bc now it feels like she (butch) won't believe me if i called myself butch too bc she remembers me being femme #idk i feel like there's her voice in my head all the time that sees everything i do through her eyes (i'm lowkey still in love) #i feel like even though this comes so naturally to me i must be putting on a performance #even though i've actually read stone butch blues and done research into the history and i truly love and id with the culture like i rly do #that im still just a sad imitation of a butch lesbian and can never really be a part of it because i used to enjoy dressing up sometimes #like it's so stupid but can i still be butch if i wore a dress to prom and i think i looked good in it?? #even though i was envious of my friends who wore suits?? that i used to try goth makeup?? that i liked long dresses?? #that i enjoyed stacked necklaces and rings on every finger??? #and tbh ALL OF THAT CAME FROM A CONCIOUS EFFORT TO FEMINIZE MYSELF IN JUNIOR YEAR OF HIGHSCHOOL WHEN I WAS 16 #because omfg it was 2 months before junior prom and i was worried that i was too masc and wanted to get comfortable with being fem

[romaritimeharbor]

guys i have no idea when this happened but i have like, multiple new genshin ocs bouncing around in my head

#✧— aphe's musings. #hestia is the name i've chosen for one! #she was la signora's personal assistant before she died and has since deserted the fatui. idk if i talked about her yet or not #the others are unnamed #i've got an expelled vahumana scholar. truth is they are just a silly little guy (gender neutral) who cannot be constrained + #+ they were never going to hurt anyone!!!! they just got a little carried away bro they SWEAR on it!!!!! it was an accident they + #+ really didn't mean to commit like. all of the sins :( they didn't mean it :( (they did mean it. btw. yeah) #(^ they *genuinely* are just a little silly and they happen to have a very strong moral compass. they were *never* going to hurt anyone.) #i have like 5 million fatui ocs HAHA #anyways :) another fatui oc upon ye: #alongside the one who got their limbs torn off and then replaced by dottore there's another fatui agent oc + #+ who joined the fatui following an altercation between pantalone and their former rich guy boss who was in + #+ massive debt that he had not repaid. and they did not know anything about it? and they were basically like + #+ “get fucked loser” they did NOT like him. uhh something something that one quote from yelan's story quest + #+ “give a dog a bone and it will guard your home for the rest of its life” pantalone & oc-core #you guys can pronoun assign all these ocs (except hestia) because idk what pronouns to give them LMFAO #anyways how do you guys make those cute genshin oc posts that make it feel like a canon + #+ character profile..... please teach me 😔 #also expelled akademiya student ended up falling into the abyss prior to their expulsion; it was learning of the sins the gods committed + #+ that made them intentionally do things that the akademiya forbode. they and hestia are friends also btw! #they both are working towards the same goal so they help one another out sometimes #they probably kiss idk. maybe queerplatonically i think.

[moon-yeongjun]

"I think too much weight is put on the word 'love', because people like to separate it a lot. 'This is like, and this is love'. The feeling of liking something is also loving something. A lot of people think the dream of love is dating, but looking at a pet and its so cute, then it's love. Ah, you're drinking coffee and its so delicious, that's love. Don't think about it too hard, love isn't a heavy topic. And historically, there wasn't a time where it didn't exist either."

-Min Yoongi

#something inherently aro about this #I actually really want to stop putting everything under the umbrella of love but i think what yoongi is trying to do IS deemphasize love #love should not be the center of your life #it can be small and inconsequential #and i think jun himself would benefit from that from realizing that there is a way to love that is not romantic #and he can find the companionship he is looking for by taking some of the weight off the word #realizing that what he wants is sharing a cup of coffee with someone #playing games together #enjoying a conversation #idk just rly... this entire quote got me brah

[troublcmakcrs]

//if i had a sp multi, it would consist entirely of characters nobody gives a shit about, like ned, thomas (le petit tourette), and GOD HIMSELF.

#misc :: ( ooc ) #//i am so madddd that thomas is not in more episodes #//i mean i know Why he isn't. bc he was literally JUST made for the episode ABOUT tourettes #//but he said ''sometimes i think my mom would be better off if i was dead'' and i was like LKFJDSKJDF THAT'S BAIT! #//THAT'S TEDDY MUSE BAIT AND YOU KNOW IT!! KILL YOURSELF!!! #//it would make me a little nervous playing thomas bc i don't like... have... tourettes #//but then i gave tweek psychosis and i don't got that either #//and ofc if sb who DID have tourettes told me i was fucking up i would listen and try to change things #//but yeah idk idk :( i just wanna give him the opportunity to be happy :(( #//there's hardly anything about him so it really is Free Real Estate as far as hcs go #//and then god... i love sp's version of god so much he makes me so TENDER 😭 #//and to quote multi: what a POWER MOVE it would be to have GOD as a muse #//sp god is just so sweet and gives people the exact kind of love they NEED #//they might not like all the things he tells them but he always knows what's best for them and i'm so :(( #//i don't want to overwhelm myself with muses / blogs so the sp multi will probably never come to fruition but yeah #//i already plan to make a stan sideblog and i don't really need... a third... #//granted i could just smash all the muses onto one but i'm already attached to craig & tweek as a duo blog

[starbuck]

laying immobilized on the floor thinking about The Power Of A Story.

#now i am pacing around my house #finally got to a brba ep i REALLY enjoyed and i’m like. Hm. perhaps this rewatch was A Mistake… #it’s ruined my entire day #idk how i’m expected to function under these conditions (thinking about Stories and Civilization) #i quoted a bit from Black Sai.ls in my notes that i hadn’t actually considered comparatively before - so that was fun #a theme i didn’t pick up on while frantically trying to comprehend the plot in a six day bingewatch haze but which is quite obvious now #i made fun of BS a lot for being very On The Nose - but i appreciate that when it aids me in reading something a little more subtle #i also used That TI quote - because of Course i did… #when i make that gifset - it’s over for you bitches #Dorothy knows what i’m talking about >;)))))))))))) #iykyk rewatch

[luvevee]

Listen I'm all for seeing Sada and Turo realize how they neglected Arven before their death and/or going a no death au route with it, and/or the AIs stepping in to help fill the parental rolls that he didn't have.

But personally it doesn't sit well to gloss over the neglect and emotional abuse entirely. I'm not saying to clarify that's a known fact every time they're talked about, I'm just saying to understand that they were neglectful and emotionally abusive parents, and that a good chunk of Arven's character arc was about realizing he wasn't just an afterthought in their lives and that he's his own person with his own thoughts/feelings/dreams/etc.

#i know i've talked about this before #but seeing a post that glossed that over and really excused how he was treated made me genuinely uncomfortable #considering how i was emotionally neglected by my parents and in some points neglected straight up- #it made me uncomfortable seeing how easily explained away arven's trauma was #i really want to leave it up to it was some misreading but at this point the posts defending the behavior of the professors- #just really downsize the trauma that we see in arven and take away what made him even more relatable to the majority of people #no his parents didn't just suddenly neglect him when they died it was back when he was a child #and how the last time he saw them in person was when they took back the giant lizard they dumped on him #like bulbapedia literally has all the quotes he says come on it's really hard to give the benefit of the doubt #like misreading while playing yeah but after it's all online it's hard excuse the ignorance #like i'm not saying 'oh i misread it my mistake' it's the 'i've seen all this stuff and i'm still gonna say he was pretty ok' things #he literally even says he hated the lizards because his parents took them back after escaping and he felt like he got replaced #like that's really hard to ignore as part of the trauma #thing is i block people who gloss that over because it's like- #it's very clear neglect and emotional abuse being excused and being portrayed in a way that's very 'hey sympathize with your trauma here' #which is awesome considering how that gets steamrolled or made fun of in most media #but looking at that and saying 'no he wasn't neglected at all it just started when the emails stopped' is like just...idk #'well he had food and books and his dog had a bed and-' those are very basic necessities #listen i always think back to my guidance class in elementary school and the lovely lady who taught it #and i always think about the videos we were shown explaining abuse and neglect and her telling us about it #and the story of neglect that stuck to me was this little girl who would be left at home for days on end with just a bowl of oranges #and then she would get passed from home to home #and i look at arven and think 'he's just like that little girl' #and then i think 'a lot of that was how i got treated' #i wasn't left at home for days on end but i was emotionally neglected in favor of my parents wanting to always argue- #and a lot of times we wouldn't have dinner because they would argue instead and i'd be too afraid to get food because of it #and seeing arven's trauma being excused/downplayed/ignored/etc is like 'where do you draw the line with that' #where do you draw the line that a child was neglected and emotionally abused and abandoned? #is it because his parents are somewhat attractive? because ai squeaked out a very personally forced 'they loved you'? #just because he wasn't physically abused doesn't make his trauma any less valid or his parents any less of shitty people

[mrfoox]

I'm going to struggle to sleep and get up tomorrow

Curse it all

#miranda talking shit #At one hand i liked the conversation i had with fabian and i think i got some answers to questions ive been wondering about but im also lik #Unpacking all this.... So much to unpacking and to be put in a folder in my head where does it all go... Still hate how #He hit me with the biggest ... Maybe in the universe and i can't deal with it. No I'd be relieved and accept an no fullstop but he had to #Add in the.... Idk actually lol i dont have a reference and i would like to know how it is crossing boundaries in our relationship #Whag the fuck man.... You really gave me the strongest 'i think youre into me and it worries me' and then nullify it with an 'idk how i #Feel sometimes id like to explore more' how am i supposed to... Handle that information... I had been going around telling myself #What he said to me 2019 is the way he still feels and me thinking he might think more is just me being paranoid but then yeah #What a clusterfuck. I mean to me it wont change anything in the broader picture no matter what i care for him ya know? But now thats... An #Whole other thing like. Should i try to act differently? Be more careful? Or would that be unfair bc then id do what he've been doing to me #I will quote him again 'miranda i think if both of us got an gf/bf at the same time this would solve itself' i joked and said he could find #Me one and I'll find one for him. But yeah i think that would ... Be a solution in an ideal world. Idk how to do anything man #At one hand i think he's overestimating how much he's on my mind but also its true. I spend a lot of my social time with him so obviously #I think about him? But i also have a reference on how i am... With people i have crushes on and who im in love with and how o think of thoe #Its just so scary to think about how i am his reference ... To... Well basically a ton of things... Im not a good reference unless you want #An abnormal reference. I guess im anxious I'll somehow ... Ruin him or something. This was a big conformation that i am his reference to #Women and close relationships with women and i am not made for that... Most feminine tjing about me is being sappy and giving compliments #And encouragement. Otherwise im basically like ... A dude. Guess it also scares me that he knows me. I know i know him but the fact its #Mutual is aw man... Being known is still a struggle. He wasmt completely wrong is his logic bc he knows me i think too much about people #And things. I understand im so anxious bc i care about him and im worried about losing him or pushinh him away but shit #Hes sleeping rn and is at peace with this probably. He doesn't dwell on it. He even said hes been thinking about this... Bc he began to #Think about what i could be thinking? So its not even his own thoughts but thoughts about whaf i could be thinking? ?? Whack and im likebro #Flattering that you go to that length but also... Literally what??? Cant tell if hes somehow projecting or if this is genuinely how he was #Thinking but damn. Boy does have some confidence at least? He's such an fool. I love him but holy shit he blows me away sometimes

[sweater-equestrian]

didnt expect to get into a very scary shoving match w our draft today but alas

#to clarify she ran up on me aggressively and pinned me to the gate where i could not get away #so i got into a shove match w her to get her to give me enough space to yanno. walk away #i get why the owners have her she has a great bond with her rider and she can be really sweet #but she has NO concept of pressure or release and its outright dangerous #will never forget the time she broke her riders toes because she stomped and wouldnt back up to get off #like it took ME dismounting and joining in to shove her off before she would back down and get off #and her owner thinks the answer is just adding a stud chain to her halter and riding her in #a twisted scissor gag bit but i could not agree less #she may be a beginner friendly horse on paper but shes far fuckin scarier than our #quote unquote advanced spicey mean quarter horse #bc while the qh may buck you and kick you. she shows her emotions clearly. u know its coming when it is #and she respects basic pressure release commands #our draft type halfie? you can never tell. she blows up out of the blue. like i spend a good amount of free time looking up #horse body language and such. i know what to watch out for. but i can never ever tell with the halfie #and neither can anyone else #even our farrier. a man whos been in the horse business for 45 years cant tell. like hes commented before about how unreadable she is #idk ik it sounds petty to have a bad relationship with a horse but i really dont like her when shes pulling shit like this #not to mention shes mean as hell to romeo like. she pinned me today because romeo dared eat grain #and i told her nicely to back up along w the quarter horse to give him space / stop trying to steal #and again i was asking gently. the quarter horse hit the reverse with the same damn command!! like #i wasnt even touching them yall. and she snapped at me #anyways. ugh. had to have a little rant about her horrible no good behavior

[distantwave]

#really think I actually need to find a psychiatrist one of these days #not to quote my shitty roomie but I really don’t have to live like this #I am. doing not as bad as I have at other points. but I am definitely not doing great I would say #like I mean things are fine at the moment. but there’s definitely the edge of a precipice kinda feeling to it #like I do really enjoy my job that’s a really good thing for me actually and I finally found a place to live so that’s excellent but #I do REALLY think I need to get help before I move out. which realistically isn’t going to happen bc it’s less than a month away #but uh. I am. not going to do well on my own admittedly. sure I was practically living on my own the last few months in the last place #just bc no one would speak to me. but there were still other people in the house. I think my potential for getting really bad again is #perhaps going to be alarmingly high if I’m on my own without a roommate or a therapist/physiatrist to figure shit out #I don’t want it to take away how excited I am to live at my new place but I genuinely should not be on my own. like practically I’m fine #it’s mentally I won’t do well with it I think #on a totally different note tho if I did ever end up getting diagnosed with what I think I’ve got going on it opens up a ton of #diners drive ins and dives jokes for me lmaoo #so that’s something I guess lol. but yea anyways idk what to do really. am bad at bridging what I can bring up to people and what I can’t #as that is literally one of the defining reasons my relationship with her fucking crashed and burned. so idk when/what/how much I can #talk about things anymore. went from telling no one anything and it completely ruining my closest friendship. to telling her everything and #it ALSO ruining our friendship. so my grasp of what’s appropriate is evidently nonexistent ya know. but I do need to talk to someone bc #I am perhaps doing less than optimal ya know? and I don’t really want to go back to my last therapist I feel like it’s been too long #don’t know what my plan of action is here but this was slightly cathartic at least

[echoesofadream]

What the fuck?????? im dying i just finished little women and im like thats weird, bc like, ive seen the movie (the winona ryder one). so im like something is wroooong. and also in a fic ive read there are excerpts from little women and they never came in this book. and i look at page amount it says it has 449 pages. my copy has 257????? im SO confused though because if this is supposed to be like easy to read version then why wasnt it easy... it really wasnt! i did pick this up from the teenager/children section which i found weird but then i looked inside it and it pretty advanced english to me at least. not too hard but definitely not for children! since its like old english too. This sucks lmaoo cause now i both wasted my time reading a stupid childrens book and spoiled the actual book itself! im not going to be reading that one now i dont think. im just so shocked and confused

#I THOUGHT BETH WAS SUPPOSED TO DIE? #AMY MARRIES LAURIE? #JO SOME OLD DUDE WHEN SHE TRAVELS TO LIKE FRANCE OR SOEMTHING AND IS A FAMOUS WRITER #ok so this may be an abridged version #what exactly is the purpose of that #fuck i kinda want to read the original now tho to see what ive missed.. #idk if this is just part one (and idk why part two is missing bc its just one book) that doesnt make sense it was missing those excerpts #that were about beth being sick #and i guess she can still be sick in part two bc she just got better not fully recovered but the quote is about her telling jo shes sick #and jo should already know this? unless its about her knowing that she is sick and going to die #i really hope this is part one and theres a part two for me to read #but idk...its still weird

[weirdly-specific-but-ok]

Heylo my maggotsies... I'm sorry to do this but I have a thing that I really, really need to do (thank you Ash for helping me realise that) but I'm terrified to. so well. I'm going to make one of the posts (Neil reblogged me a couple of days ago so I feel pretty safe making one now since he only lurks by once in two weeks so this is as good a time as it gets to make a post and not expect many notes, yes I'm an overthinker and I'm actually scared of this getting notes).

Sigh. Here goes.

...I'm scared of even typing it.

Nope okay I can do this let's go.

If this post gets 1k notes, I'll look up jobs in design and film making that don't need a college degree.

2k notes, I'll sign up for an Alliance Francaise course so I can have another language on my CV, and I'll find a course that teaches me how to use design software.

5k, I'll look up distance learning alternatives, because just talking about physical college yesterday made me spend the whole morning and afternoon today in and out of nightmares screaming. Fuck.

10k, I'll tell my mum that I can't do the offline college. She's been talking to me about it, but I've been dodging because I'm not well-off and I really need to be earning and idk how to do that without college and I feel so guilty.

15k, I'll officially back out from the college (does that count as dropping out, if it hasn't begun? maybe half. i am a college and a half dropout, my 11th grade self would hate me and my 10th grade self would refuse to believe it).

I don't know what I'll do then. I don't know how to live as trans here in India, I don't know how to earn enough to be able to help my family, I don't know what I'm good at and I'm so fucking terrified. But. I spoke to @random-doctor-on-the-internet last night (I love you Ash you're such a fucking amazing human) and they made me realise that well maybe landing in a hospital with steroids to relieve an allergy attack because of exam stress isn't normal and so.

Well. Here I am. I know I can't do it, but I'm scared to risk everything, it's just not something people do here, dropping out. But also (TW s**cide statistics mentioned below the cut)... And so I've just. Got to do it, got to save myself and say no to college (cue say no to school, kids joke). Somehow be brave enough. And yeah.

To quote a financial express article: "In an alarming situation, a total of 7,62,648 suicides were reported in India between 2018 to 2022, Of this student suicides account for 7.6% at 59,239". Maybe if more people did say fuck you to the system here, that wouldn't be the case. That number could have been 59,240 (aside from everyone who wasn't counted and hushed up), that could have been me, and I don't want to put myself in that situation again. You know? Yeah.

[leatherbookmark]

drawing hwa and discovering some similarities between his face shape and kk's, hehe

#diamond face shape = best face shape mwah mwah its just so FUN to draw #sometimes when i see kk fanart i feel like people are like 'oh okay he's got CHEEKBONES and a CLEFT CHIN here we go' #but they associate cheekbones with like bc cheekbones when this is Not the only kind of Prominent Cheekbones one can have #so it doesn't really make it look kk-like when you just add ) to accentuate the cheekbones because his don't look like that #but back to hwa: god i love his chin so much. it's wide! i mean. at least it is on the photos i'm using as reference #nowadays it's been looking rounder/narrower so he either got it corrected or they're giving him a different kinda make-up which. :( #or. well. the face doesn't stay the same all the time maybe it's just natural face shape changes like fat deposits and such. idk #it's just so charming and adds lots of Flavour to his general face shape and To Be Hoenest... please do not quote me on this. his chin + #his nose are kinda like gap moe masculinity to me. like you'd probably call him beautiful or charming rather than handsome or masculine -- #especially if you're a westerner -- but the curve of his nose (and the nostrils!) and his chin just. listen. perhaps my heart flutters when #i think about them. but what of it. sincerely what of it #anyw. back to drawing #shrimp thoughts