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honeynutholland · 6 years

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To start off, I’d like to thank Cass aka @purelyparker for starting MCU Body Inclusiveness Day. When I first saw her post about it, I wanted to participate, but I wasn’t comfortable enough with myself to post a full body picture... After seeing my mutuals post their pictures and stories about struggling with body image, it inspired me.

Growing up, I’ve always struggled with loving myself. There were so many things about my body that made and still do make me self-conscious. When I was younger, I was little overweight and I was so insecure. I’ve struggled with my weight for years and today, I’m at a relatively healthy body weight and I’m happy with how I look, but even then, I still have my days.

One thing I’ve always been self-conscious about is the size of my boobs and how they aren’t proportional to the rest of my body. My friends teased me about my boobs, or lack thereof, for years. I’m still slightly embarrassed when I go shopping and have to buy AA or A cup bras. Honestly, you can’t even see my boobs when I wear hoodies. I look flat as heck, but hoodies are so comfy, so who cares??

Another thing I’m self-conscious about is my thighs. For years, my mom and aunts would always point out how big my thighs were and how they’re covered in stretch marks. When I sat down, I would always look at my thighs and think holy fuck. my thighs are consuming the chair. To change how I looked at my thighs, I started squatting a lot. Although it didn’t make my thighs any smaller, every time I flexed, I loved the way my quads looked. Now, I couldn’t care less about whatever my mom and aunts have to say about my thighs.

Although I don’t have the abs I used to dream of, I love myself more than I used to. Just last year, I would’ve never been confident enough to post photos of myself in a sports bra on social media, but here I am now! I still have a long way to go before I completely love myself, but I’m proud of how far I’ve come with accepting my body. I had my struggle with body image throughout my childhood typed out, but this post is already pretty long, so everything is under the cut if you wanna read 😊

In kindergarten, I noticed that I had a lot more body hair than other girls and even some of the boys in my class. Back then, I had my days. Some days, I’d be overly focused on it and rub my arms a lot or keep my sweater on. Other days, I was just like any other carefree 6 year old, running around without a care in the world. This was also when my mom noticed that I had a random patch of hair growing on my neck and would shave it for me every week. When I was 7, I remember trying to shave my arms in the shower and I ended up with a ton of cuts all over.

In 2nd grade, I started obsessively weighing myself. Although I wasn’t dieting or doing any physical activity outside of my PE class then, I would get on the scale in my washroom every day to see whether I lost or gained weight. At some point during that year, my mom hid the scale so I’d stop looking at my weight. The following year when I was in 3rd grade, we were celebrating my mom’s birthday at her friend’s house. I remember going upstairs and finding a scale in the washroom. When I first saw it, I told myself that I wouldn’t get on it, but in the end, I did and I saw the numbers. I’m so fat, 80 pounds at 8 years old... I went downstairs and sat quietly until the cake was brought out. That was when the tears started flowing. No one knew why I was crying and no one wanted to ask. When they handed me a piece of the cake, I cried even harder and pushed it away. This was also the year, where a boy in my class, the new kid, started bullying me. He’d pick on me and tell my friends not to choose me for their team during our lunch time soccer games because I was “too fat and slow” to run for the ball. I coped with it by binge eating, going through whole boxes of Rice Krispies after school and just eating all the snacks my mom left in a cupboard.

In 4th grade, I was hospitalized for a blood infection. I was in the hospital from 7am-12pm for a round of fluids, going home afterwards to sleep until I had to go back again from 7pm-12am for more fluids. This process went on for 5 days and as you could probably guess, I had no appetite throughout the whole treatment. I lost about 10 pounds during the week and when I was finally feeling better, my mom’s friend came over to visit and said “Wow, she’s so skinny now!” At the time, I was so proud of myself because someone said I was skinny!

During my last 2 years of elementary, I was somewhat comfortable with my body. I signed up for my school teams and had fun competing in various sports. However, when my grade 7 graduation rolled around, I realized that I didn’t really fit my dress and I thought I looked disgusting in it. It was too late to get a new dress, so I just wore a cardigan to hide the fact that my armpit fat was spilling over the dress.

In high school, everything got worse. When I was in 8th grade, I basically started starving myself, eating a small portion, if any at all, before throwing the rest of it out or bringing it home to eat. I was only eating one meal a day, dinner, no breakfast or lunch. I was too ashamed to eat in front of my friends and was hoping that it’d help me lose weight. This continued for the next 3 years until I found a group of friends during at the end of my sophomore year I was comfortable eating around. I also started going to the gym during my sophomore year to stay active and maintain my weight, which worked because for the next 2 years, I was basically the same weight and honestly, I was so proud of myself.

#mcu body inclusiveness day #thankyou cass for starting this #honestly i took so long to type this #i wanted everything to be perfect #but its still all over the place #and lots of rambling #oh well #not showing my face but still going in my face tag #my face

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