#its frustrating to get dumped by someone who had you convinced you were the toxic one when in reality it was actually them | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

irwinkitten · 4 years

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got lucky | c.h

requested by anon: ok so for the bi!reader concept: last year i ended my relationship w this girl the main reason was because she was really insecure and jealous especially about me being bisexual like anytime i would talk to a guy she would just get so upset about it and she would make such gross biphobic comments and at the time i had so much internalised biphobia that i tried to convince myself i was gay n stayed in the relationship longer than i should have because i rly liked her i guess lol anyways (1/4) we ended and a while afterwards i started seeing this guy who i’d known of for ages (friends of friends type situation) but we just never really talked before or hung out but from the first date we clicked and the sex was crazy good like the type of sex were ur ditching ur vibrators cuz he’s that good lmao so one weekend we went to this party together and of course she is also there, i was so surprised and i could see her eyeing us the whole night, so when she came over i was anxious af (2/4) and this guy knew i was bi! it was no secret, i worked really hard to accept myself! so she comes over and she deadass goes “are you straight now? i knew you would end up with a man!” and she’s all smug but also hurt and im standing there like what the fuck and THEN this dumb man goes “ha guess the sex is so good i made her straight again” and i’m literally about to cry over how gross the whole interaction is and im so shocked i can’t even defend myself, i dumped him that night obviously (3/) last messgae: so basically can you pls do a redo of the gross situation where instead of being with that dumb guy its with calum and he is so protective n sweet n NORMAL n encourages u to stand up for urself about bisexuality / your sexuality, because what happened to me happens too often and its disgusting and gross and no one deserves that!! only if u feel comfortable/inspired tho, no pressure!! love u laura, thank u for creating such a safe space for all the queer babies it means a lot 💘 notes: i kinda enjoyed writing this one esp for my sweet anon baby. i love u and i hope this is everything you wanted ♥ warnings: biphobia, implications of emotional abuse

word count: 3.2k

donate to my ko-fi here

“Hey what’cha doing sweets?” Calum’s voice pulled you from your musings, your hand idly tracing patterns against the paper but the pen remaining on the desk. You wrenched your thoughts from the spiral you seemed to have fallen down, a smile crossing your lips as you felt your heart flutter at the sight of him.

“Nothin’. Just thinking.” You finally replied as he pulled up one of the spare chairs next to you, the bustling activity of the coffee shop falling into your background noise as his thigh pressed against yours.

“Really? Normally you doodle when you’re just thinking.” He countered with ease and your eyes dropped to the paper, noticing that the pen remained where you’d placed it when you first sat down. Subconsciously you must’ve realised that the route your thoughts had gone were not suitable to put down on paper, your fingers picking up the pen and mind falling blank immediately.

“Oh.” You breathed before placing the pen back down and packing away the pad and pen.

“What’s running through your head, doll?” Calum’s voice was quiet and concerned, you shrugged.

“Just, a lot on my mind is all. You’re not my keeper just because we’ve slept together.” You admitted quietly and he frowned before picking up his bag and for a sinking second you thought he was going to walk off, but instead, he took your bag from your hands and slung it over his shoulder.

He looked back at you expectantly and you sighed before standing up, leaving the coffee shop with him, your eyes on the floor as you fell into step next to him.

“Your place or mine?”

“E’s gonna be home and I don’t want to hear them rant about me bringing people back.” You muttered and Calum nodded.

“I think Ash is out. He’ll probably head out to Luke’s if I show up with you.” At his smirk, you rolled your eyes fondly before shoving him towards the bus stop. His indignant “hey!” was only ignored as you two waited for the bus, his arm slung over your shoulders.

Selfishly, you leaned into his touch, trying to ignore the fact that your stomach was doing flips at his touch alone.

The bus journey was a quiet ten minutes, but Calum seemed to understand that you weren’t willing to talk with so many people around, so he was content to just keep you close, and you were unwilling to pull away until his stop came up.

When you reached his shared house with Ashton, you noted that the car was gone from the driveway and Calum smirked.

“Looks like he’s out. C’mon.” His hand tucked around yours and pulled you inside. And for a second you wondered if you could distract him with sex, but then the guilt appeared and you could feel the tears of frustration appear as your thoughts swirled and you felt dizzy.

Calum had stepped ahead, turning to see you stood leaning against the closed door, head in your hands and he knew something was wrong. Stepping back to you, he dropped your bags and took your hand in his, pulling you upstairs to his room and your stomach twisted uncomfortably.

“Cal I-”

“I’m not suggesting that.” He muttered. You fell silent at that and as he pulled you into his room, you felt unsure, but he gave you no chance to really deny him as he crawled into bed before opening his arms out to you.

“Cal.”

“I know you. You don’t do emotional stuff well but I’m here for a cuddle and an ear if you need it.” You fell into the embrace easily, your head resting on his chest as his arms wrapped around your shoulders, his lips finding your temple as you finally felt something in you snap, the surge of emotions overwhelming and frighteningly vivid.

“I keep telling myself that I never was a lesbian, that I still found men attractive but Poppy made me feel like having that attraction was stupid since I was dating her and that I was a lesbian and it’s so fucking confusing because I like you, but I can hear her voice screeching that I’m not right, that I’m a lesbian or faking it or a freak.” And for the first time since you left Poppy, you cried.

Calum had been waiting for this. When the split had happened, you’d been ready for it, you’d already left her mentally, but this was what he knew you needed. He knew that the relationship with her had been toxic, but you’d never revealed the extent of her behaviour.

His heart broke.

“Just because you like both men and women does not mean you should feel so guilty over your sexuality. There’s a B in LGBT for a reason, doll. That’s you. You’re bisexual and you should be proud of that, not ashamed because some bitch with a control issue couldn’t handle the fact that you liked more than women.”

You found yourself gripping his shirt with your fists as you pressed your face into his chest, trying to stem the tears that seemed relentless. But Calum held his silence whilst you got it out of your system, knowing that you needed to get this off your chest.

“I’m sorry.” You finally got out, but he simply shushed you.

“She was a shitty person with an attitude to show. You shouldn’t apologise for the bitch.” His words were simple but it gave you a breath of ease, pulling away as hands rubbed your shoulders gently.

He was definitely too good to you, but he was there for you regardless and you were certain that you loved him for that.

“There’s gonna be a party on the other side of town in a couple of weeks. Ash took over the old Firefly down on Hartley. He’s revamping before opening the bar to the public. You fancy going?” And you smiled at the gentle distraction he was offering.

“We get at least a free drink if we show up, right?” And Calum laughed as he kissed your temple.

“He wouldn’t say no to me. Or you. In fact, I’m almost certain he’s expecting me to do full introductions on that night since Luke and Mike will be there with the others and their girls.” You rolled your eyes.

“It’s not like I went to school with Luke or anything.” Came your sarcastic retort and Calum laughed as the two of you settled for the evening.

“Pretty sure Luke last saw you when you started dating Poppy. He’s put two and two together but he won’t say anything unless you mention it. Even then he knows it’s not his place.” Your heart seemed to swell another size in affection for Luke.

“You’re making it difficult for me to not fall in love with you Cal. Good dick, you know how to use those lips and fingers of yours, you make me feel like I belong and you respect boundaries without me having to ask.” You finally muttered and Calum gave you an almost wistful smile.

“You may have been with Poppy but that didn’t stop me from being friends with you. You’re someone I’ve genuinely cared about from day one. Not gonna chuck that away because of who you are. Plus growing up with my mom and sister almost made certain I’d be in touch with my feminine side.” He teased but the sincerity and understanding in his tone eased your shoulders.

Your features softened at the admittance and you pressed a kiss to his cheek.

“Then I definitely got lucky to have you in my life at least, falling in love or not.”

—

When the day of the party rolled around, you felt sick with nerves and you couldn’t understand why.

When Calum rolled up to pick you up—he was driving to Luke’s who lived closest to the bar and you’d both get a ride back to yours before he picked up his car the following morning—he could see the nerves and the grimace on his face spoke volumes.

“What?” You all but demanded when you were debating outfits. He’d been sitting on the bed watching, but got up and held his hands out to you.

You took them hesitantly. His thumbs almost immediately started to soothe across the back of your hands to help relax you.

“Word has gotten around that Poppy is planning to show up. We haven’t exactly been quiet about our relationship, but I didn’t think she’d pull something like this.” And your stomach churned uncomfortably.

“We’re still going. Ashton promised free drinks and we’ll be in the VIP area right?” You checked and Calum nodded.

“Ashton has already told the bouncers that she’s not allowed near the VIP section. They’re checking and rechecking the lists to make sure she isn’t on one of them.” He explained and you let out a breath of air.

“Okay. It’ll be fine. It’s being handled and I’ve got you. Now which outfit do you think I should wear?” He studied your face for a second before a smile broke across his lips.

“The dark purple with the deep plunge. Is it wrong of me to flaunt in her face what she lost?” And you laughed as you kissed him.

“I mean, yes. But I also know that you want to show me off properly now that we’ve got things really settled.” You murmured and he grinned back unabashedly.

It was still an uphill battle, but he’d given you a lot to think about. And after gentle convincing, you’d found an LGBT friendly therapist who helped you process your thoughts. It helped you come to terms with accepting the toxic relationship that you’d been in but also it highlighted how beneficial Calum had been as a friend and confidant.

It also gave you the courage to ask Calum out officially, wanting to be with him entirely and not just in the evenings.

He took that in his stride and things shifted once more between the two of you. When you opened up to him about some of your sessions, you knew that your trust had been well placed because he never indicated anything to his friends and so you were never subjected to pitying stares or glares.

You were almost sure that you’d fall in love with him faster than you fell for Poppy.

The drive to Luke’s was filled with your nerves. You hadn’t seen Luke in years and you were also meeting his two other friends, Ashton and Michael as well as their partners.

“Ashton’s excited to finally meet you and stop telling me to be careful when I go to yours.”

Despite Calum living with Ashton, your schedules never seemed to match and more often than not, Calum could be found at your place, a small sanctuary from your hectic lives.

Ashton never begrudged that time you shared together, but Calum had mentioned a few times about how snappy he was being on the subject.

“He’ll chill when he realises I’m not out to break your heart or steal something.” You muttered with a chuckle. Calum snorted in return as he pulled into Luke’s driveway.

Your nerves return full force as he pulls you to the front door and steps in like he lives there.

“Hey fuckers, anyone about?” He called through and was met with calls of confirmation, another yell following that they were in the dining room. Your fingers squeezed Calum’s tightly and he didn’t hesitate to return it, his thumb soothing across the skin on the back of your hand.

“Look who it is!” A voice crowed loudly as he stepped into the dining room, followed by loud calls of greetings.

There was a flurry of introductions and you felt like the spotlight was being shone on you, under scrutiny from his best friends gazes once they had greeted their friend and Calum had introduced you. Or re-introduced you in Luke’s case.

“Well c’mon, the last time I saw you we were leaving school. What’s been happening to you?” Luke finally asked, indicating to the seat next to him. A small smile graced your lips as you sat down, Calum falling into the seat next to you as you shrugged.

“Life I guess? It’s been definitely more interesting with the different jobs and moving about. Building up a social life again.” Luke’s face filled with a frown at that.

Michael came in next.

“Building up a social life? Did you not have one?” His words held an innocent curiosity, yet you felt yourself hesitate.

“My ex was controlling to the point that I couldn’t do anything without their permission. They managed to make me believe that no one really wanted me around and I lost touch with old friends, like Luke.” You glanced to the side and he was frowning.

The others held varying degrees of stunned shock or disapproval.

“Well then he was a cunt.” Michael muttered and your eyes refused to meet theirs at the assumptions. Luke stayed quiet but his hand rested on your knee, squeezing it. You shot him a gentle smile in return.

“Well it’ll be good to have you back in our lives. Especially with these two knuckleheads.” He nodded at Ashton and Michael who immediately protested and you laughed.

It felt like you’d known them for years as you all had a few shots. Ashton, despite being the owner of the bar, wasn’t worried about turning up with his friends. He’d already explained to his staff that he’d be around for the rest of the night once he arrived and he’d told the small groups he’d be here and there.

After a handful of shots, the group of you made your way to the bar, your arm linked with Calum’s. There were separate conversations happening between you all, their girlfriends including you on their pamper night whilst the boys discussed a possible games night for all of you.

When you arrived at the club, you saw the queue of people waiting to get in and the subsequent groans from the line as the bouncer let you in, no questions asked.

Ashton guided the group of you to the VIP section and the music was still loud but you could still hear each other talking. You were chatting away with Luke’s girlfriend, arm still linked with Calum’s as Ashton disappeared to get drinks.

Calum pulled your attention away briefly, his lips by your ear.

“I’ve spotted her. She’s not seen us yet so don’t worry.” You barely nodded, acknowledging his words as you listened in, fighting to keep your nerves down.

The night continued and you were all a few drinks deep. Calum’s arm had barely left your waist all night as you talked and danced and drank. You’d been welcomed into his group of friends with an ease you never realised existed.

You’d deliberately not tried to seek out Poppy, silently praying that the universe would comply. But as the group of you stood out in the smokers area, huddled together under a heating lamp, your stomach sank as she stepped out, her eyes narrowing on you.

“Fuckin’ knew it!” You could feel the alarm in your face as you stepped back into Calum, his arm going around you protectively.

“Poppy, you’re drunk.” You felt curious gazes from your new friends, but you didn’t spare them a glance.

“You break up with me and go running to his arms, I knew you weren’t a fuckin lesbian. Pretending to try it out? Just another straight girl seeking attention. Fucking freak.” She snapped and your stomach sank.

“Get it through your thick head that she’s bisexual.” Calum snapped in your defence, earning a glare from Poppy. But Calum didn’t shrink from the glare, your glance to his face confirmed he was giving her his own. You were mildly impressed that she didn’t back down instantly.

“She’s a fuckin liar! Years of my life wasted on this bitch.” She spat at your feet and you took in a deep breath.

“You don’t get to control me anymore, Poppy. I’ve liked both men and women, but you never liked that because it meant that I had more chances of leaving you. And I wished I’d have left you sooner. Calum certainly thought so.”

“Of course you fucked the first man to pay you any attention.” Your heart sank once more at her declaration and you felt your mind fall into the old trap that you’d fought with for so long.

“No she never. In fact she slept with a few girls long before she slept with me. But I was her best friend as she tried to deal with the mess you created in her mind.” Calum snapped back. You felt your heart swell for him.

Poppy stepped forward, her hand raised but then Ashton stepped in front of you.

“Get out. You’re no longer welcome in this bar.” He made a gesture and security slowly made their way over.

“She shouldn’t be fucking welcome!” Poppy yelled back, but Ashton held firm.

“She is my friend. You are not. Get. Out.” When the bouncer rested a hand on her arm, she shrugged it off and stormed away. Your entire body was trembling.

“So that was the ex, huh?” Michael commented and you could feel your hands trembling as you nodded. “Why didn’t you correct me?” Calum spoke up for you as his hands took yours.

“It’s been a battle for her. Poppy had convinced her she was a lesbian, that she was wrong for having any attraction to men. In Poppy’s world, either your gay, lesbian or straight. Being bisexual isn’t acceptable in her eyes.” Calum’s arms wrapped around you and you stood there, holding onto him for dear life.

“Well that makes two of us then.” Michael’s casual comment had your knees go weak and you let out a weak laugh.

“Thank you Ash.” You finally murmured when you pulled away from Calum. Ashton didn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around you in a warm hug that was both comforting and reassuring.

“Hey, you’ve been the best thing for my best mate. And you were friends with Luke once before. I’ve definitely got your back. And I get why you didn’t say anything and don’t hold that against you.” He muttered and you breathed a sigh of relief before returning to Calum’s embrace.

“More drinks or are we gonna go back to Luke’s?” And you shook your head.

“Let’s stay. I’m not gonna let her ruin it,” you leaned forwards so your lips were by his ear as the others went inside, “also I want to see if we can christen the bar in one of the toilets.” You breathed. Calum groaned as his grip around you got tighter and he pulled you in for a kiss that promised more.

“Oh you’re so fucked sweetheart. Especially since I know where the individual lips are and they aren’t attended by anyone.” You held back a moan at that thought before pulling away, your hand in his.

“Dance first?” And the innocence in your tone made him laugh as he followed behind you willingly.

“Menace.” The term was laced with affection as he caught up to you, kissing the spot just below your ear.

You simply grinned in return as you pulled him onto the dance floor, Poppy long forgotten as he danced with you.

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lorenzoandmaria-blog · 5 years

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from maria // 042719

Hi there :) Before anything else — I’d like to ask if your schedule is free on May 11-12?

I organized the school strikes for the Philippines last 15th March (they were mostly just my friends from all over the archipelago so it was just a matter of contacting them and following up on the plans), and we’re planning to join the 2nd global strike again this 24th May. In line with that, we’ve been in close contact with Ate Bea from 350 and she’s been cooking up a training workshop on climate strikes and mobilizations for key youth organizers before the date of the 2nd global strike. To sum it all up: her proposal has recently just been approved by 350 Global, so now we’re putting together a list of youth organizers to fly into Manila for the training. Of course I put you in the list (your mob skills are admirable, and I’m pretty sure your organizing skills are far better). Would you be up for it, if ever?

The workshop schedule will be May 11-12, but we’re flying people in by the afternoon/evening of the 10th. We’re flying back to our respective places on the afternoon of the 12th so we can make it back for the elections on the 13th. Sorry to dump this on you at short notice (!!!) but things were only finalized yesterday afternoon -- would need your response on this as soon as possible, though, so feel free to reply here or drop a quick message on my mobile once you finish reading this part :) You can message me at 0927 461 8620 (Sorry for the rush! Trying to keep my work, advocacy, and personal life in balance ) Anyway, hi again :) Just want to say -- thank you for writing me, by the way. Don’t know how else to say it, but our exchanges are one of the very few things I look forward to these days. I like leaving things unexplained, if only to have something to mull over for later, so I guess I’ve yet to get to the bottom of my current emotional turbulence. Wanted to respond a little bit earlier, but today was a little on the heavy side of things for me! Waking up to your greetings, life crisis, and the promise of a portrait in prose was honestly the only thing that got me through this day. So thank you, really I’m a pretty stubborn person, so I’m quite unsure if I’m glad to stumble upon someone whose persistence is at par with mine Thank you for remarking yet again on my knack of evading questions -- not denying, but it’s mostly on the grounds of me not being able to go through the process of thinking it through yet (I have a lot of stuff put aside to think about for later, which I always convince myself I have the time to). When I do find the time to get thinking, words would get lost in the grey skies. It always ends up in frustration and/or a bit of self-loathing, which explains why I actively leave things behind and focus on what’s ahead instead. Am I speaking in riddles? I feel like you’ve been sharing a lot of good stuff with me but all I’ve done is go round and round with the same jumble of thoughts. My apologies. It’s the only way I can speak without, again, spilling my life all over the place (trust me, it isn’t deserving of what little time you can spare). But I guess if I have to give you a bit of context... I’m overly anxious about the interpersonal troubles within the advocacy -- we’re very close-knit, which adds to the frustration that this isn’t solving itself easily when the problems have been surface-level at most. But of course, being myself, I’ve been psychoanalyzing people and I’m aware it’s gone beyond superficial reasons now. I’m a pretty direct person when dealing with troubles, but I haven’t had the chance to voice out my concerns lately and find solutions, what with all the hectic schedules. It’s been almost a month of constant worry, blanking out, and going through other forms of anxiety. I’m so frustrated that I still haven’t gotten to the bottom of this. Apart from that, I’ve also just gotten out of a long-term, really toxic (and I don’t say that lightly) relationship, which largely explains why I was able to say I haven’t felt this peaceful in a long while (doesn’t mean I’m downright bereft of troubles, though!). It’s been almost two months since this happened, so I’m gonna answer the hanging question: yes, I am alright, and no, I’ve never been better. The relationship weighed me down for the past 3 years (we were together for 4, but I was actually happy in the first year of it) and I’ve seen the end coming for so long -- was probably only waiting for it to happen, actually. Would run out of things to describe the feeling, but it is freeing in so many ways. I haven’t looked back since, and my friends have been on cloud 9 the moment they knew I finally put my foot down. There’s usually a template of questions one asks to another who has just gone through a break up, so let me just put into writing that it’s completely unnecessary to dive into before you predictably contest my conviction :)) (how do I combat your stubbornness when I like seeing your persistence anyway?) I guess that’s where I end the context-giving I would apologize for the late response, but I echo your sentiments about writing for necessity. Our exchanges have been somehow therapeutic. I’m now finding the time to sit down and translate my thoughts into physical matter (that being in the form of these letters) at least once in a while, which is more than I’ve been doing for the past years. I’ve been swimming with my jumbled thoughts for so long -- maybe as a form of denial, since putting things into writing make it real. An excerpt from a 2017 journal entry: “Without physical proof of its existence, one can fool oneself into thinking pain is fleeting — easily blown away by other, more convenient forms of distraction. It is out of reach until it pins you down. It does not become the whole of you until it draws close enough to consume you.” Props to my 19-year old self for explaining it better (and more dramatically ) than I can now. I’ve also written a poem about lost thoughts — will definitely share once I remember where I have a copy of it I go back to it once in a while since it resonates heavily with me despite the changing times. To answer your question, what keeps me going is my fierce belief in the future and the lack of fear of oblivion. The future exists beyond myself, anyway, and it’s the lack of fear that powers me through the impossibilities. What is there to lose, after all? Life is transient. If we do things right and create the spark the world needs, the flame will burn on without us. I assure you things haven’t arrived at a life-or-death situation yet, I just like being dramatic. Pretty sure you get what I mean, though. Would like to hear updates about your confrontation with your boss if it happens! I’ve had my share of being under mushroom management. Hands down one of the worst experiences ever. I’m still actively trying to repress memories up to this day. I'm a firm believer of good leadership, and stuff like that drains the life out of me. Let me know once you find the inuman place you’ve been looking for -- it’s becoming more apparent that drinking plays a huge role in your life, eh? When I’m sad, I listen to a lot of music to clear my head, read a few pages from books (can’t really find the time to finish one nowadays), and sleep. Talking to friends help, too. Just not really used to it for the most part, as I said I don’t like it when people fuss over me. Maybe this is why I’m more comfortable opening up to strangers, as there are limitations to your reactions and responses, unlike friends in close proximity with me. And maybe also just the general comfort of talking to a stranger who knows nothing about your life? The titles sound interesting -- might check them out in the unforeseeable future (time is always the question, isn’t it?). I’m still finishing a huge number of books I’ve been collecting in the recent months, all acquired from physical and online bookstores, secondhand shops, book fairs, and loaned/given to me by friends. Reading is one of the things I’m painfully trying to get back to, after the deluge of advocacy work that left me little to no time at all for (and have drained the life from) any personal interests. (Mindful) consumerism of books has been one of my coping mechanisms, a way to lull myself into a sense of connection into whatever life I had before the advocacy. The smell of the pages usually do the trick of transporting me back to younger years. That being said, I am falling back into reading and writing bit by bit, and our exchanges are helping me ease back into it. I’m looking forward to that portrait, too! There’s nothing more interesting than reading about a life well-lived (that, and the fact that it’ll come from you). Advocacy work has also been a form of coping mechanism from the aforementioned toxic relationship, loneliness, and my search for purpose, I guess. One of the struggles I’ve always had was my burning passions lacking purpose and direction. I’ve been dancing, painting, taking photographs, writing poems & screenplays, making/directing films, and creating digital content for fun for years (couldn’t really do it all professionally since I’m stuck with reality and school work as a Psychology major), and the advocacy has been a really good outlet for these skills. For the first time I’ve felt like I wasn’t just throwing my art and thoughts into the void -- it actually helped change things. Helping out a cause and trying to make little changes in the world is pretty straightforward, if you ask me. I find it weird for people to try and find back stories. I probably have one if we really wanna flesh it out, but for the most part, I’m just a concerned human being with skills people can exploit, so I’d rather have it used for good causes. I think I’ve said enough for you to piece together my response to your question about how much of ourselves we should set aside for the “greater purpose”. I have zero fear of nonexistence, advocacy work has become my daily grind and coping mechanism, and I have nothing else to do with the skills I’m equipped with anyway. Your question warrants me to rethink these sacrificial tendencies, I guess? I’ve always wanted to pursue art professionally, but at this point, pursuing art outside of all this seems self-serving and vain. How do I invest many years of my life honing a skill or two, when it also means leaving behind campaigns that need urgent attention and action? I’m pretty sure it’s a choice I have to make, but I’m setting it aside for now. What do you think of it? And how much are you setting aside for all of this? It’s been a pleasure to write you. Rest assured that these exchanges aren��t merely one of my coping mechanisms, but one I genuinely enjoy taking part in I’m skipping out on asking questions for now, so feel free to rant or be sad or write me anything under the sun. I’ve talked too much today, so allow me the pleasure of listening to your unbridled thoughts I hope my troubles haven’t spilled over to yours. If I can bottle up all the light, warmth, and sweetness from this smiling city and sugar town, I would gladly send them over to you. I hope your days are as bright as your smiles and as warm as your wishes. It would comfort me greatly to know you’re allowing yourself some respite after long hours of waking -- let the stars witness you dreaming. Good morning and good night

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cryptocleveland-blog1 · 6 years

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I used to have a blog here.

I spent hundreds of hours pouring my heart into long posts that hardly anyone read. Some were just text, like this one. Some were elaborate, multi-installment series laced with photos and detailed graphics. The effort that went into these posts, and the lack of response, was both highly therapeutic and soul crushing at the same time. It was a way for me to feel creatively stimulated, and to participate in a community at a time when I was unemployed and socially isolated, but not yet cynical about my future prospects.

I had just finished grad school, studying urban planning, and I had also just fulfilled one of my long-term ambitions, to appear in a feature film. As a way of promoting the movie, the director of that film had begun a blog where he talked at length about film theory, art, and contemporary culture. One of the other actors in the film started a blog about her life as an aspiring actress so I followed suit, choosing to concentrate on that subject which I knew best, and was, at that time, most passionate about: Real Estate Development in the City of Cleveland; with the occasional post devoted to my main hobbies, acting and photography.

I was really proud of some of those early posts, they were written with the confidence of someone who thought that the years of hard work were behind him and that life could only get better from here on out. But months went by, and years went by. It became obvious that my big break was never going to happen, the movie was never going to find distribution, it was never going to be the stepping stone to my next project.

Eventually people stopped commenting on my posts, and I ran out of things to talk about. My blog became less regular and more introspective. The director and actress followed suit, refocusing their blogs onto current affairs and personal interests. I started getting into disagreements. I argued with the director over his political positions, I alienated the young actress by teasing her a little too frequently about her favorite band.

It became clear that I was beating a dead horse. My illusions were starting to fracture. My acting career was stagnant, the only film work available where I live was in cheesy local commercials and I was too poor and too indebted to move elsewhere, nor was I brave enough to move away from my family and support network. In my professional career things were no better, the rejection letters were starting to add up, and the longer I’d been out of school the fewer interviews I got.

I started using this blog to vent my frustration. After a couple internships that led nowhere. I accepted a job I hated, that I wasn’t any good at, and that I got fired from within six months. That didn’t help my resume. I started working part time minimum wage jobs just to have an income. One night on the news I saw that a local school district was paying $180 a day for temporary substitutes during a teachers strike. I’d worked as a sub before and enjoyed it so it seemed like good opportunity to make some money.

I had planned on being there for two weeks, but the strike lasted eight. It was one of the most meaningful experiences of my life, but I was fired from that job too. I had been taking night classes at a community college, and the lack of sleep caught up with me. I was sad when it was over because there was one student in particular who I became emotionally attached to and I’d never gotten a chance to say good bye.

I wish I had, because then I might not have gone to visit her place of work a few months later, I might not have tried to stay in touch with her, I might not have deluded myself into thinking we were friends or that she cared about me half as much as I cared about her. I could have just tied a nice happy bow around the relationship for being what it was and moved on to the next thing. But its hard to move on when you have nothing to move on to.

When you wake up feeling like a failure every morning its easy to get obsessed, your thoughts naturally drift to the last thing you can remember making you feel happy and important. I shared these sentiments in posts I made on this blog, and other darker thoughts. After the fact I felt ashamed and decided to remove them, in an attempt to clean up my online fingerprints.

Its all gone now, good and bad; I’ve long since lost access to the email address I originally signed up for a tumblr account with and so my original account was deactivated, along with all its content, when tumblr updated its TOS a few years ago. I miss it dearly.

I don’t miss the toxic anxiety dump it became, I miss the escapism, the potential it once had to remove me from a hopeless situation and allow me to pontificate about how things ought to be. I miss the ability to express myself anonymously, warts and all, and not fear being held accountable or publicly shamed for feeling angry and resentful, for admitting that I wanted more than I was entitled to.

When I stopped blogging I tried to find new communities to immerse myself in. I stopped auditioning for the local agency and started training with a local stunt coordinator because the stunt guys seemed to be the only locals getting any work whatsoever. I switched from Tumblr to Youtube and started down a rabbit hole about Historical European Martial Arts. I grew my hair and beard out, attempting to assimilate into that subculture. I stopped applying for jobs and started my own consulting business doing drafting and 3d printing.

I’d like to say that my efforts have improved my situation, economically or otherwise, but alas its more of the same. More auditioning for parts that were already cast long before you ever saw a breakdown. More skeptical looks and rejection letters whenever I convince myself that I’m broke and have no choice but to find a real job. I’m still treading water, and badly.

A couple of years ago I started having panic attacks. I’d gone to visit the highschool girl (now in college) one too many times; panicked because I suddenly felt that I was crossing a line, and abruptly broke off contact . Then I felt bad about it and started following her on social media, which eventually confirmed my belief that I had hurt her. I felt guilty about that too, and had another panic attack, so I tried to contact her again and offer an apology, which obviously backfired. Then every few months I’d have another panic attack and make another ill conceived attempt to fix the situation.

Things came to a head about a year ago. Each time I tried to reconnect and failed to repair the relationship, my anxiety got progressively worse. In a last act of desperation, I reached out to a mutual acquaintance who immediately outed me as a crazy person and posted the conversation online. Nothing had happened, but being forced to confront my own inappropriate behavior and to acknowledge that Google was no longer my friend was embarrassing enough that my anxiety jumped an order of magnitude overnight. I went from merely not being able to sleep, to not being able to breath or speak. I wasn’t just depressed, I was physically ill.

This convinced me to seek treatment. About six months ago I started taking medicine for insomnia, anxiety and depression, and also ADHD which I think is the root problem. The jury is still out as to whether any of its working or whether I actually have any of those issues. I did switch medicines a while back because the cocktail was making me feel like a listless zombie. And I have seemed more productive in the past month, but that could be attributed to my impending birthday.

As I’ve reflected over the past few months, I’ve determined that I’d never really given myself a chance as an actor, I’ve always treated it as an embarrassing secret that I don’t like to talk about, and that was one of the things causing me anxiety and potentially caused me to self sabotage any hope of finding full time career with my degree.

I thought I had long ago made peace with the fact that I was never going to find success as an actor because only those who were born rich, in LA, and with the right connections ever got the opportunity to make movies for a living. But then the young actress I was in a movie with once proved me wrong. She’s not the only one, I now have a number of acquaintances who work regularly, but in the time since I originally started this blog she has made the leap from depressed, socially awkward, nobody living in their parents house in Cleveland, to something more than that; while I’m still spinning my wheels. Its a humbling thought and rather than be jealous of her success I’d like to try and emulate it.

I wanted to make a good faith effort to put myself out there before I turned 35, so I spent the last month filming a demo reel to submit to managers. If I get no response, that means I suck and I should move on. And that knowledge is infinitely better than continuing to surround myself with people who tell me what I want to hear but have no power to help me achieve my goals.

Yesterday was my birthday. I decided it was finally time to watch the movie. I’d put it off because I didn’t want to burst my bubble. Originally I was holding out for the premiere, I wanted to watch it for the first time on the big screen. Eventually it just became a crutch, I didn’t want to see it because its my only credit and I’m barely in it. The reality is the film is good, but the acting isn’t going to win awards. I can be proud of it as a good first film, an excellent learning experience, and a stepping stone to greater things; which is all it was ever meant to be. The rest is up to me.

I’ve decided to rededicate this blog to my documenting my career as a struggling actor from Cleveland Ohio.

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