#just me being introspective

[slushiepizza]

if it's not obvious already, i headcanon that there's something severely wrong with guy that's masked with his upbeat personality

#redacted audio #redacted asmr #redacted guy #the fact that he wants to be a writer #something that's introspective and like. a solitary activity #just interests me #something about him... something about him forreal #i think that he's a competitive overachiever #like he HAS to strive for something and constantly be on the move / a state of chasing #for life to be exciting for him #his fear is being stagnant and settling for less #because he wouldnt settle for less no matter what his situation is #that being said it'd be a very slippery slope once he's at the top and gets what he wants #bc what is there left to live forf

[deoidesign]

something that makes me sad is when people tell me the healthy communication in my writing is "unrealistic."

like guys this is how me and my partner talk with eachother... I'm writing from personal experience...

#like it's sad both on the front of 'dehumanizing my real life' #but also on the front of 'you deserve to have healthy communication in your life' #like if you think this is unrealistic it means more than likely you havent experienced someone being patient and understanding with you #and that makes me very very sad #I'm sorry #also it's just rude to tell me my writing is unrealistic LOL like hey #real people talk all kinds of ways. shut up #I've been told it's also in part cause they always understand their own feelings when theyre talking #but I'm like... #theyre like mid 30-early 40 and theyre immortal and theyre going through a lot of shit #I feel like theyve thought about it a lot #also the comic takes place over the course of a year so far #we're seeing the big moments and the fun mysteries #so #its about grown men who love eachother #sorry that they think about what they want to say before they say it #also as if adam isnt constantly wrong and steve isnt constantly pushing shit down #he's only JUST RECENTLY starting to share his emotions as they come up #instead of pretending theyre not there and letting things boil over #I think people just THINK theyre communicating way too clearly because their partner #who loves them #is listening and responding with kindness #like.. #idk I have a lot of thoughts about this #would LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE for this to spark a discussion #and especially for it to cause people to reread a little more critically #and perhaps even introspect on their own ideas of communication standards #I've been with my partner for 10 years. this is how we talk to eachother

[bonefall]

tall shadows line of "she was only a kittypet" kinda reminds me of the line "they were only slaves" from the prince of egypt.

What kills me about it is that like, at that point in the movie, the Pharoah Is Bad. Him saying that a billion babies where fed to crocodiles is A Bad Thing. It's the point where Moses realizes he can't be part of the royal family without being complicit.

But Tall Shadow says "calm down, Bumble was less than human anyway" and Gray Wing nods along (complete with the jiggly clicking noise that comes with shaking a can of spraypaint) and this is an example of them being reasonable. Level-headed, even, not getting swept away by the passion of the angry mob.

There are so many levels to how fucked up the Bumble Debacle is that you can't explore every floor all at once. It is an onion. It has layers.

#I don't take potshots at liberals too often but like. I have to here #Because GOD they are bad at defending their positions #They can't defend nonviolence because they don't actually believe in it #They believe in STATUS QUO #They're not antiracist. They're just pro-decorum and being racist/xenophobic/bigoted is rude #Very very rarely do they reach their position through introspection and thinking through their beliefs #So you see it in their art. #Unable to examine WHY bigotry is bad or what's so insidious they just repeat it #Or try to justify it #She was too fat/useless/not part of Our Bonds and thus her life is lesser #And thats why they have the theme of predestination making everything forgivable imo #And it not actually mattering what you did #It's the ultimate status quo. Change doesn't ACTUALLY happen because of people or our actions it's all just fate. #And this ironically makes them very susceptible to smooth-talking fascists #...also my lover told me im Bumble's Lawyer and made me an AA style talk sprite so I've got that going for me now

[steinwayandhissons]

arctic monkeys and every time the word ‘love’ is mentioned

whatever people say I am that’s what I’m not

tonight there’ll be some love, tonight there’ll be a ruckus yeah regardless of what’s gone before

~ view from the afternoon

oh there ain’t no love, no montagues or capulets

~ i bet you look good on the dancefloor

all that’s left is the proof that love’s not only blind but deaf… yeah I’d love to tell you all my problem

~ fake tales of san francisco

she makes a subtle proposition, I’m sorry love I’ll have to turn you down

~ when the sun goes down

lady, where has your love gone, i was looking but can’t find it anywhere, they always offer when there’s loads of love around but when you’re short of some it’s nowhere to be found

~ no buses

well how can you wake up with someone you don’t love and not feel slightly phased by it

~ leave before the lights come on

favourite worst nightmare

it’s wrong wrong wrong but we’ll do it anyway cause we love a bit of trouble

~ balaclava

and those dreams weren’t as daft as they seem, aren’t as daft as they seem my love

~ fluorescent adolescent

there’s room for the trouble and there’s lovers to be had

~ this house is a circus

it’d be a big mistake for you to wait and let me waste your time, really love it’s fine, I said really love it’s fine

~ the bad thing

old yellow bricks, love’s a risk… houdini love you don’t know what you’re running away from

~ old yellow bricks

another roll around and another push and shove, further away from the idea of love

~ da frame 2r

the more you keep on looking the more it’s hard to take, love we’re in stalemate… you’re slacking love where have you been

~ the bakery

am I too quick to assume that the love is no longer in bloom

~ too much to ask

humbug

i had a hole in the pocket of my favourite coat and my love dropped into the lining

~ i haven’t got my strange

suck it and see

i wanna feel your love brick by brick

~ brick by brick

do you still feel love is a laserquest or do you take it all more seriously… when I’m not being honest I pretend that you were just some lover

~ love is a laserquest

your love is like a studded leather headlock

~ suck it and see

jealousy in technicolour, fear by name, love by numbers… crushing up a bundle of love

~ that’s where you’re wrong

before she showed you how to shake love’s steady hand

~ the blonde o sonic shimmer trap

your love’s not what I need, so don’t give it to me

~ evil twin

am

it’s not like I’m falling in love I just want you to do me no good… the look of love, the rush of blood

~ no.1 party anthem

love buckles under the strain of those wild nights

~ mad sounds

I heard that you fell in love, or near enough

~ snap out of it

love like locked horns, love like dominoes… love like thunder, love like falling snow

~ electricity

I know you’re nothing like mine cause she’s walking on sunshine and your love would tear us apart

~ you’re so dark

tranquility base hotel and casino

love came in a bottle with a twist off cap, let’s all have a swig and do a hot lap… but it’s alright, cause you love me

~ star treatment

when true love takes a grip it leaves you without a choice

~ golden trunks

pattern language in the mood for love

~ the world’s first ever monster truck front flip

I wanna stay with you my love, the way some science fiction does

~ science fiction

the dawn won’t stop weighing a tonne, I’ve done some things that I shouldn’t have done, but I haven’t stopped loving you once

~ the ultracheese

the car

lights out on the wonder park, your saw toothed lover boy was quick off the mark

~ jet skis on the moat

put your heavy metal to the test, there might be half a love song in it all for you

~ mr schwartz

#arctic monkeys #alex turner #listen this was purely out of curiosity #there are so many poetic and imaginative ways in which alex describes love #i just wanted a tangible record of every time he just straight up uses the word #i was surprised that humbug only had one mention and even that was a b side but when i was making this i realised that it was such a #lyrically dense and innovative album and descriptions of love were more elaborate and straightforward #*less straightforward #(might make a separate post about that) #also found that the other albums were quite consistent except the car #i found it interesting that most of the songs aren’t actually about the same kind of love like the earlier albums were #the earlier ones use love as a nickname and portray the physical embodiment of being in love #and even in tbhc it describes this feeling despite there being slightly fewer mentions #but the car seems more like a goodbye album… not even about breaking up… just goodbye which is very…. #there’s no room for love in amongst the melancholia and introspection #and makes me wonder about his relationship with love at the moment #it seems very disassociated and immaterial like he has no interest in spouting poetics about love like he did before #and i hope he can rebuild that relationship #i could probably say more but im not going to bc this is getting way too long #cheers if you actually read this whole fucking essay #i spent way too long on this if you cant tell

[alice-and-ethel]

“It was, however, the death of the eldest boy, the Duc de Bourgogne, in 1761 that left the seven-year-old Louis Auguste with a permanent inferiority complex. His parents made no secret of their lamentations at the death of the favourite (whom Maria Josepha had called that special pet name, her chou d’amour). The man in charge of Louis Auguste, the Duc de Vauguyon…also took the opportunity to lecture him on his inadequacy for the role [of future king] once played by his incomparable brother.” • Antonia Fraser, Marie Antoinette: The Journey

“[O]n the eve of Easter 1761 Bourgogne died. For his parents and the King, who had thought very highly of him, it was a terrible blow. [Louis Auguste] was now a future King of France. But he had been brought up without the adulation usually given to future Kings. On the contrary, all through his formative years he had been put in the shade, treated as a foil for brilliant Bourgogne. As a result, he was that rare creature, a prince with a poor opinion of himself.” • Vincent Cronin, Louis and Antoinette

Portraits of Louis Joseph Xavier, Duc de Bourgogne (b. 1751) and his brother Louis Auguste, Duc de Berry, later Louis XVI (b. 1754) by Jean-Martial Frédou, 1760

#louis xvi #french history #eighteenth century #house of bourbon #this just makes me so sad :( #imagine forever being held up to the standard of your 'perfect' older brother...who died when he was like 10??? #granted bourgogne's personality - as it was in childhood mind you - seems to have been a lot more suited for the role of king #but it's really hard to say how louis auguste might have been different if he had you know...been treated differently. nature vs. nurture. #he might well have still been introverted and introspective and quiet! sure! but insecure and uncomfortable with the expectations of him #perhaps not as much? we'll never know

[sapphicmuppet]

If one thing can be said about me I will interpret Fabian and Mazeys relationship in the queerest way possible.

#he’s never had someone he could talk about dance with!! she’s cool!! he thinks she’s hot!! #like I still hc him as gay idk maybe bi but to me their relationship is like if I was gonna date a girl it would obviously be you #and let’s be fr Fabian?? Being introspective?? Absolutely never. he will be constantly running from the gay allegations #I AM COMING AROUND ON THEIR RELATIONSHIP I THINK THEYRE SILLY #sometimes the canon ship is just the vessel for your own queer beliefs and that’s okay❤️ #mazey phaedra #fabian aramais seacaster #fantasy high #d20 fhjy #fantasy high junior year spoilers #fhjy

[fruitsyrups]

I think it's so interesting to think about the unique social implications of things on the islands. Like, the animal hats & how they originally existed for the practical purpose of protection & they kept wearing them even after that wasn't a factor anymore. & how the hats we see in the present day (when Finn & co visit the islands) don't really resemble animal hats, do they? & maybe that's just to make the significant human characters (who do still wear animal hats) seem more distinct but you best believe I'm going to make it into something bigger. Oh I'm so bad at putting my thoughts into words but it's something how the hats evolved into a new meaning. & when robo susan rips friedas hat off its like a very violating moment. Something something hats, the lack thereof, vulnerability. I don't know. Sorry. I was going somewhere with this but I don't know how to explain it. You get it though. Hats are interesting.

I like to think that (when everyone got sick and lots of them died and the rest moved to a new island) there was a bunch of small shifts & the animal -> abstract hats was one of them. And Frieda still wearing her dog hat shows her still holding onto the past in some way. There we go, that's something. This isn't a total nothing post after all

#like if only i could write my dream longfic about susan&frieda with big focus on frieda's relationship with the islands especially after #susans betrayal (using the word betrayal lightly because of course it wasnt her fault but i think that was the way it felt to frieda) #and susan reconciling her childhood memories with the life shes built for herself #its so interestinggg theyre so inferesting 😭 #bc theyve both got 2 perspectives all on their own. the one they had growing up and the one they have as an adult #frieda wanting freedom and then 'accepting' not having it... and susan being all about upholding the system #and then having that taken away from her by literally losing her memory. and gaining a whole new perspective entirely divorced from her old #one. soorry im just saying a whole lot of words. anyways #thats my dream introspective dual character study longfic that i would write if i could #but alas i cannot even write a shortfic. and ive got tooo much schoolwork i need to catch up with anyway #sorry but the islands are SO FUCKING UNDERRATED??!? under-talked about. its crazy im crazy seriously they gave us all these crumbs #and can u really expect me NOT to think about it just so much. im still thinking about it #<- only thinks about it somdtimes #i get overwhelmed when i think about things im like unironically bad at thinking

[sysig]

Just be honest! (Patreon)

Bonus:

Could be :)

#Doodles #Wander Over Yonder #Emperor Awesome #Commander Peepers #Maybe something less friendship and more something else Eyesome? :3c #Could be :) #Hhhh yet more fun poses and contact points! Especially Awesome's legs and Peepers resting his ''cheek'' on his hand :D #The slight squish upgrading to a full squish with the shape of his eye-cheek changing! I did that and I'm happy about it! Haha ♪ #Plus how fun it is to draw him sitting lightly with his arm on his leg ah ♥ His proportions are so fun #Anyway ♪ Lol #Awesome's feeling all introspective and it's giving him the vapours lol #He's a hedonist! A coward! A gossip! Someone who coasts through life with no care to who he steps on! Except ♪ #Not me thinking Peepers could be Awesome's Wander lol - ''If I stopped hating that one thing then what was the point of hating the rest?'' #As soon as he starts seeing the humanity of one little guy where does that put him ♫ #Personally I think he'd still be a mostly selfish jerk - at least for a while - considering how hard realizing he even Likes Peeps would be #Even here he's like ''This sucks! Being friends with you bites and not in the cool way!'' Lol #He's just being a baby and coming to terms with his feelings #And Peepers might possibly be picking up on that a little bit :) It's still comedically optimized not to worry lol ♫ #Awesome is only starting to approach his own feelings but he's being very obvious - throwing a tantrum even lol #So Peeps noticing before Awesome realizing he should be hiding it way harder than he currently is - he just doesn't know yet! #Probably both blushing up a storm just before bed that night lol ''Can't believe I said all that to him'' ''He takes me seriously'' hehe <3 #It feels good! Trust and understanding slowly building up :) That's what makes me interested in their dynamic! :D

[gilsart]

some weeks ago i started writing as a daily exercise again and now i'm here, it's 3:45pm, fields of gold playing on loop, writing the first ever hetalia fanfiction in years. 16 year old me would be so proud

#rambles #hetalia #yes it's gerita. of course it's gerita. #better known as “let me unapologetically make these two idiots kiss in the places i grew up in” #would never wish that upon my worst enemy honestly #but hey some introspection here and there #some felice/feliciano (he is felice here. i like felice more don't come at me) hating himself here and there #some ludwig being soft #just a sprinkle of ''i'll take care of you'' ''it's rotten work'' #i'm so sorry #gerita

[dennisboobs]

blacked out and came to with a document full of macden

#ada speaks #ada writing macden in 2024........ hm #its all dennis introspection but i have a Plan #the funny thing abt macden is that mac is so goddamn dense i can commit to usual den shenanigans #charlie is way too perceptive it doesn't usually work #i will laugh if i manage to post this before any of my longass fics #its. playing with some concepts i have used before (i will say. victoria being conceptualized as an entirely separate person.) #i find den's separation of self really fascinating bc for me the trans experience has been. hm #playing a part for the masses but knowing who i am beneath that #its opposite for dennis but also the same. he doesn't see vicky as himself but he doesn't have a core either #he's a shell hosting her in his body but she also feels like the most authentic version of the self #and thus. gender euphoria. very weird and complicated gender euphoria. #one dennis holds himself back from expressing to its fullest extent #what was i talking about again #oh yeah macden. that's there too. i think probably den's gonna put the moves on mac but i haven't decided how itll go..... #this fic is just dennis doing psych student brain things thinking abt mac and their relationship and breaking it all down

[dorotheaism]

i think the thing about midnights is that while she was clearly wondering if she and joe would last, the album is very much not a breakup album or even a “hope we don’t break up” album, because midnights is an album that is entirely about taylor. it’s about trying to rediscover yourself or ascribe meaning to what has felt like meaningless pain, not for the goal of being a better girlfriend for joe but because in the middle of the night, the person she finds she cannot escape is herself. i think this is most evident in dear reader - no one sees when you lose when you’re playing solitaire isn’t true. you see it. you see yourself lose and it kills you a bit each time. the context of deciding whether to stay or leave is of course important, but that’s not the essence of the album. midnights asks, what do you do when you’re up recounting your mistakes and you can’t stand the person you’ve been? and midnight answers, darling, there is where you meet yourself.

#Meredith would’ve written this better than me #midnights is just. about herself #it’s introspective for the sake of figuring out who you are #and how to live with being that person

[kuja-kujaku]

lmao I’m not even 32 yet and someone asked me when I’m going to start coloring my grey hair. never, actually, it’s a condition. it’s called Pretty Boy Disease and it’s terminal. it just gets worse as I get older, I just keep getting more and more grey hairs until I’m so hot people can’t stand to look at me. make sure it’s an open-casket funeral, don’t put me in the ground without getting a good eyeful bc I worked hard for these sultry little grey binches.

#god damn this society hates everything about being human at a base level #I’m not old and grey hairs are just normal #I’ve had a grey patch since I was like 14 #but like shut the fuck up also #throw the entire concept of being old out the window until you’re like fucking. 75+ and then get back to me #30 will be peak if you let it #in fact I feel better now than I ever did before #undo that conditioning that the 20s are the only fun times in your life or that you’re old past 25 #it’s insane to me to see people hating wrinkles or average facial features and calling them old #when we literally are born with wrinkles and some of us have more dramatic creases even in our teens #American media especially just fetishizes this false idea of youthfulness #but anyway fuck everything and everyone who tells you to change yourself bc of your age #aging gracefully has nothing to do with coloring your hair and everything to do with treating yourself with kindness and loving your body #aging gracefully #thirty is not old #real shitposting hours #y’all need to do some introspection #and some self acceptance while you’re at it

[chocmuffinsscones]

Kacchan is actually so, so loved.

His mom is right, he's a brat cuz he quickly got over his head when he was constantly praised by people around him. His parents must've love him so much with how well he physically is - healthy, clean, unbruised. Probably not a popular opinion but I think his mom treating him aggressively is a way to tone him down, to remind him of manners that he might've slipped from being too pompous. And also, it's an asian thing, ESPECIALLY in Japan where senpai-kouhai/elderly hierarchy is strongly regarded.

Still, Katsuki always demands attention like he doesn't have enough of it. He used to aim for being no.1 to gain attention where it'll feed his ego. Even with his obnoxious behaviour, he always had a pass cuz he IS talented, smart and very gifted. People allowed his atrocity cuz they believe he can still contribute to the hero society.

But Katsuki has a way to seek love that he truly yearns and needs. Maybe it's another gifted kid syndrome or an instinctual thing, that he could feel he is so loved in a way he was not expecting. The people who only sees him on the surface aside, Katsuki was constantly showered under the kind of love that is very forgiving, patient, and positive of his coming around. Aizawa, kirishima, his parents, AM, Izuku...

Aizawa and AM regard Katsuki in a similar fashion as his parents did, acting as a guidance that sometimes switching between being strict or encouraging. Kirishima was slightly special because he was the first one to accept his foul personality and would still praise and be amazed by his ability. To me, Katsuki must've value the gratification of someone acknowledging his entirety and would still respect him as well as give him fuel to his ego. Kirishima is passionate of integrity and righteousness. He's quite open-minded and is pretty forgiving, thus forming a suitable concoction of personalities that matches Katsuki's kind of "love" he grew accustomed to.

However, if it all comes to that preferences, why did he reject Izuku's "love" when kirishima's worked but not his? To be fair, Izuku's "love" for Katsuki is pretty much similar as to his parents' as well as kirishima's. But since the river incident, Katsuki's young mind has decided to antagonised that alien kind of love which he was going to get used to (from his parents) anyway. Because receiving that sort of acceptance and appreciation from a child his age kinda oppose the idea of him being special. Little Katsuki was building up a reputation of being the best and the most unique kid in the neighborhood , if he acknowledged Izuku's recognition of his "front", it would meant he wasn't really that special after all. Little Katsuki couldn't have that, and so it brought forward to their entire childhood until UA, rejecting that obvious, his preferred type of "love" that he labeled as disgusting due to their antagonistic relationship.

That's why after dvk2, when Katsuki has finally confronted that impulsive naivety he held onto, he became unconsciously openly seek out Izuku's "love" to him. He loves being seen and appreciated the right way, the way that reminds him of his humanity, that keeps him grounded, that asks his self-awareness of his capabilities and therefore pushes him becoming better every time. Izuku was different from Kirishima because Katsuki had never level himself with him the way he did with Izuku - notwithstanding the whole rivalry on win to save, save to win thing. Also, the simple fact that their familiarity of one another's traits are what keeping them tightly enveloped in an indissoluble bubble of intimacy.

Katsuki demands attention like a brat. He craves attention and love from where he seeks. As prefaced, he has preferences and that he categorised them. It's interesting though that due to his immature obstinacy, he had created a situation where he is now forcing himself in a state of overcompensation towards Izuku's year's worth of "love" towards him. (He knew he was truly at fault, and he knew Izuku still accepts him nonetheless (i.e dvk2), but the way he tried to keep a distance between them to maintain their norm is, in actuality, not normal. Counting in the fact that at the same time he still craves Izuku's "love" when he self-inserted as the one to pull the leash.

Tsk tsk, Katsuki truly is a child raised by love.

#Not meta #Maybe just my sudden random need to put Katsuki through a microscope again #maybe not bkdk but maybe is a little #Am not trying to force bkdk #I'm trying to see his introspection of his wants and needs from others and from Izuku #Like what makes Izuku different from the others #Cuz we always sees how Izuku alienated kacchan from the rest but never understands Katsuki's view of Izuku from the others #Except we obviously sees that he has tunnel vision and constant brainrot of Izuku 🙄 #Anyway if you've read through that I'm embarrassed cuz I'm sure it's all over the place at some point #I started with the enlightenment of Katsuki being so loved and then went on to rant without any plan before hand lmao #So thanks for bearing with me if you did read until here #bnha #bnha rants #kacchan bakugou #bakugou katsuki #character analysis

[eonars]

um. tfw your life is about to change massively very very soon and it still doesn't even feel real yet and still feels like somethings gonna pop up and it won't actually happen and also you're scared as fuck that you're too stupid to actually do it and it'll all be for nothing

#like what do you mean full time salaried w benefits and paid vacation just to do. school. #what made you so enthusiastically think i was the perfect one to do this #when the last approx 20something other guys were like ummmm no you cannot do it #tbf like all that other shit up there aside #this did actually come at the perfect time #i look back on who i was during my masters and i legit do not recognize that person #i barely even remember it i have to look at pictures to think back on who i was #in a strange roundabout way being forced home to stay for a while #kind of re centered me and gave me time to come back to myself in a big way. i was really lost before #and chaining something like this directly after my masters would have been disasters #even like this time last year i did not have this level of mental clarity #and i think thats why i didn't get any of the other positions i was just in a fog and i think people could tell #so as much as like im super scared and nervous about this big change and big exit from my comfort zone #and a little sad and mournful that im leaving my family and wont hear my native language all day every day anymore #im the most ready ive ever been #2019 me was NOT ready im scared of her tbh!! idk what wave i was on but it was weirdo shit! #im also proud that i essentially rawdogged and brute forced a lot of introspection and improvement #entirely on my own #like i really can only just describe it as clarity i feel like i matured 10 years in 4 and cleared all the fog #i feel so good about the way i handle things and react to things now vs then #im like 500x more unbothered and actually know how to put myself first now #anyway uh this prob could have been its own post in and of itself #but woteva innit im proud of how much internal repairs i did on myself over the last few years #became a stable genius as it were #whos a lot more clearly defined and present #but fuck man! i am still scared of being 2stupid

[toastsnaffler]

in a hilarious turn of events my flatmate didn't even know I use any pronouns....

#i thought when she was talking abt how her parents thought i was gonna come out as trans and kept checking my name/pronouns- #that the joke was that im ALREADY trans but in ways they dont know abt.... but nope she genuinely didnt know 🤭 #to be fair. i dont rly let anyone in on my gender business unless we're close enough to be dating or its an anonymous online space #like im legally cis and thats fine. idc abt ppl using my name + she/her bc thats not my gender identity its just AN identity that i use- #to navigate the world without ppl being fucking nosy bc i pass as + am sociopolitically treated as a woman (if butch lol) #to ppl who are friends ill joke that my gender is dyke (true) and to friends whose gender falls on a similar spectrum- #or who are transmasc ill talk a little more honestly abt it bc theyre usually able to understand better than anyone else #other butch dykes w a weird gender going on are the only motherfuckers who actually Get It but theyre hard to come by tbh #to be frank i dont fucking know whats going on w my gender. and i dont rly care enough to do the introspection to figure it out rn #i have so many other problems in my life and im lucky that most of my beef w gender can be solved by presenting butch + binding #and using any pronouns around other queer ppl. its actually incredibly funny to me when ppl she/her me bc its like tch. this chump hasnt #unlocked my level of gender yet. pronouns and names in general are so far disconnected from the way i exist in the world... #its just smth thats fun for me to play around with + makes me feel weird sometimes but in ways i havent distilled yet yknow #and this has been my approach to gender for like?? 4-5 years now??? and likely will continue to be for a long while.. #anyway. its not actually that surprising my flatmate doesnt know bc shes cis so ive never felt compelled to have a deeper conversation #abt gender with her. but also i could sweeaaar its been mentioned bc almost all our other friends are trans lol #and also ive been introducing myself at queer sports socials w any pronouns and i swear i talked abt that w her..... whatever #and my pronouns are on discord and shes def seen my tumblr before but maybe i didnt have them in my bio at the time... i digress #i kind of prefer cis ppl she/hering me tbh. theyre not able to they them or he him or whatever else me in a way that matters..... #altho i do find it fascinating when she or other ppl elect to use neutral or masculine terms for me. raising an eyebrow and taking notes #like when she got a job and joked abt me being her househusband.. pulling up the fem/masc tally chart and chalking a line up #a la nona the ninth.... ive been trying to figure out whos inhabiting this body my entire fucking life with no luck girl #ANYWAY just smth to think abt. im so tired i think my brain is gonna start seeping out my eyeballs #im gonna watch some more pluto and read and then -> 🛌 #another 6:30 start tomorrow woohoo #.diaries #zzzzz

[rose-n-gunses]

My mom trying to tell me that I have no reason to be anxious over the thought of going to target Alone to shop for swimsuits like mother,,,,you don't Get It,,,,,,I am not fit for that ecosystem,,,as soon as I step through the doors I feel like the regular clientele will smell it on me like sharks sniffing blood and then kill me with rocks

#it's the whole Not Relating To Your Peers thing again #which now that i think about it may be a partial contributor to my social anxiety #it's like. i feel like they can sense the I Am Different And Uncomfortable and will judge me for being there #which obviously they probably aren't #but i feel like because it's so obvious to me it should be to them as well but obviously not because it's psychological #and theyre not mind readers #okay enough introspective psychoanalysis i gotta turn in my last assignment #irl #just r's thoughts