#life isn't great right now

[naamahdarling]

.

#life isn't great right now #im angry all the time #im lonely #im bored #im tired #and i don't feel adequately supported which is not my bfs fault or anything it's just that with a full time job he isn't here to help #and most of the inadequate support is on the medical end #my gp is great but i am starting to suspect that the nurse that does most of his correspondence is an asshole who doesn't check my file eve #and just gives me canned answers that often don't make sense

[starwarjotta]

okay so after Tales of the Jedi we're getting Tales of the Empire and on a complete non-squitur, in TBB episode 3x10 Hemlock says the other operatives aren't ready yet, which means there're more clone assassins in the making my bet is still on clone x (or the current assassin clone or whatever you call him) being Tech, because him being Cody just wouldn't be the same, it wouldn't be as emotionally devastating for Omega and the Bad Batch as the clone being Tech would be and I saw a theory that maybe Cody is one of the other operatives whose brainwashing just isn't done yet instead so hear me out, hear me out after Tales of the Empire, we could get Tales of the Clones, right? and in Tales of the Clones we could get the story of what happened to Cody, that maybe Cody tried to escape the Empire in TBB 2x03, but he was caught and sent to Hemlock's sick assassin clone program, but the badass he is he's resisting the brainwashing and he maybe escapes??? MAYBE WE COULD GET THAT STORY OR SOMETHING??? WHERE HE ENDS UP ON TATOOINE LIKE HE WAS SUPPOSED TO IN THE OG KENOBI SHOW SCRIPT???? I'D BE SO UP FOR IT OKAY???

#tbb s3 spoilers #tbb spoilers #tales of the empire #tales of the jedi #tales of the clones #MAYBE #star wars #give me tales of the clones #they deserve their own season #if we're going with jedi and the empire for now #they should be next RIGHT?? #PLEASE I'm begging you to give Cody his own proper story #he's such a beloved character by the fans and he deserves as much hype and love from the show creators as Rex gets #at least he deserves his own story where he's not just a sidekick or used for someone else's character growth #if he dies in TBB s3 it's for cheap shockvalue and to advance the plot or the bad batch's character growths and I'll fucking scream #because that would be such a waste for such a great beloved character #commander cody #the og Kenobi show script is my Roman Empire #even if there isn't a story about Cody just give me tales of the clones anyway #I need all the clone content in my life #text post #I'm rambling #but I have a lot of feelings about Cody #tatooine husbands maybe?

[mkstrigidae]

APWH preview snippet!

Since I'm actively trying to work on getting the next few chapters out, I thought I'd share a little future scene with some hints of Jonsa with all you lovely people! This bit is from like, a few chapters in the future bc it's the in-between that's giving me fits right now :) (Fair warning: this is unedited and subject to change! That being said, it's such a fun scene that I can't imagine ever nixing it :D)

“Does he even know that they have to avoid the press?”

“For the last time-“ Sam sighed, sounding completely exasperated, “Dickon knows what they can and can’t do- he’s got enough practice not being photographed from when our dad was the secretary. Not to mention spending time around you when that exposé on your crazy grandfather came out two years ago.”

“I just-“ Jon sighed, blowing a stray curl out of his face. “You didn’t see how freaked out she was when the press caught us at that performance in White Harbor. I thought she was going to have a full-blown panic attack.”

He was immediately derailed by Gilly plopping little Sam down in his lap and shoving a bottle into his hands.

“What’s this all about?” he raised a brow, adjusting the baby on his lap, allowing him to latch onto the cuff of his flannel shirt and start gnawing at the fabric. “You going somewhere?”

Gilly shot him a withering look, but he saw the amusement in her eyes.

“I-“ she gestured, imperiously, “Have not had time by myself to shower all week-“

“Sorry, love.” Sam winced, looking up from his pile of paperwork. “I can take a break from these-“

“Not your fault, Sam.” she waved him off. “You warned me about this conference at the beginning of the summer.” a grin played at the corners of her mouth. “Besides, it works out well- Jon needs a distraction right now from the fact that Sansa’s on a date with your extremely hot and conventionally attractive brother.”

“Hey!” Sam looked wounded, and Gilly rolled her eyes, pressing a kiss to his forehead.

“You know you’re my favorite Tarly.” she wrinkled her nose. “How long have you been working on this presentation? You smell like the baby spit up on you.”

“Guess I’m next in line for showers.” Sam said, mournfully. “Unless-“

“Nope- I need my own time right now, Samwell. Did you even hear what I said about why Jon’s bent out of shape?”

Jon had known Gilly since Sam and she had met up north while the two of them were in college. Sometimes, it was hard to reconcile the timid, scared girl she had been with the woman who was currently devoting all of her remaining energy to busting his balls.

“Don’t tell me you’re worried about Sansa with my brother.” Sam snorted, shotgunning another cup of coffee next to him the way Jon was used to seeing undergrads do with jaeger shots. “I mean, this is Dickon we’re talking about. Used to bring wounded animals home to take care of them Dickon? The same guy who cried when we had movie night and Gilly and Rhae wanted to go see ‘Love, Simon’?” He shook his head. “Look, as far as guys she could be out on a date with right now go, Dickon’s kind of the best case scenario. She’ll have a nice time, and he’ll be a perfect gentleman.”

Jon blinked at him, silently turning to look up at Gilly, who rolled her eyes and sighed.

“You’re hopeless, sweetie.” she kissed him on the forehead again, wrinkling her nose. “He’s not worried that things will go wrong- he’s worried they’ll go a little too well.”

“You’ve been spending way too much time around my sister.” Jon muttered, narrowly avoiding little Sam’s grasping reach for his glasses, managing to get the baby to latch onto the bottle before he destroyed any more of Jon’s eyewear. “You even sounded like her just then.”

Sam blinked for a second, his head whipping between Jon and Gilly.“You’re jealous?” He asked, incredulously. “Of Dickon? Wait- you like Sansa?”

“Got there in the end.” Gilly sighed, affectionately patting him on the shoulder before going to shower, leaving Jon and Sam behind with four cups of coffee, one baby, and approximately five brain cells total between the two of them.

“You like her.” Sam repeated, like it was a giant revelation.

“What are we- in middle school?” Jon hissed, immediately turning his head down to smile and make faces at little Sam while he fed him, before glaring up at big Sam again. “I don’t- I mean-“

Sam was just shaking his head.“Of course you do.” he laughed. “Should have guessed- red hair and a damsel in distress? You were doomed from the outset.”

“Shut up.” Jon muttered, flushing. “It’s not like that.”

“Then why are you worrying about Dickon for fu-“ Sam glanced nervously at the baby, “-god’s sake? When Gill was meeting my family for the first time, I remember you told her not to worry- that my brother was ‘one of the best guys you know’ and ‘practically a golden retriever’.”

Jon could tell that Sam, who could not raise one eyebrow without the other, was desperately trying to do just that.

“I don’t know.” He muttered, moving little Sam to his shoulder to start burping him. “Look- I’m attracted to her, alright? It’s a fu- er, a giant disaster that I’m gonna ignore for the rest of my life.”

“Seriously?”

“Stop trying to do that with your eyebrows.” Jon complained. “It’s giving me motion sickness. And yes, seriously. I’m not even going to consider that- it’s just a stupid crush. Besides,” he sighed, rubbing little Sam’s back comfortingly, “Robb’s already dealing with enough right now with this whole Sansa situation- can’t imagine telling him I think his sister’s attractive while he’s being forced to suddenly confront all of his guilt and self loathing every time he looks at her.”

“That whole bro code thing of never dating your friend’s sisters never really made sense to me.” Sam shook his head, gulping down more coffee. “I mean, I’d be thrilled if you decided to date Talla, because I know you’d be good to her.”

“Yeah, don't think she'd quite go for that, mate.” Jon snorted, standing to bounce little Sam around gently. He was just grateful Sam hadn’t said anything else about Robb.

“Eh, wouldn’t count you out completely.” Sam shrugged, smirking. “With that hair, you’re pretty enough to be a girl- maybe that’d be enough for her.”

“You are so lucky i’m holding the baby.” Jon muttered, still bouncing little Sam, who picked that moment to spit up spectacularly down Jon’s back.

“Well, that’s three of us who’re gonna need showers now.” Sam grinned, looking thrilled as all get out that it hadn’t been him. “Wow- his aim is getting better.”

“I’m going to remind him of this when he’s a sulky teenager.” Jon grumbled, wiping spit-up off his shoulder as best he could. “Look- no gossiping with Rhae about this, please. She thinks she’s such a good clandestine agent that she doesn’t always realize that Robb is better at sniffing out her plots than she thinks.”

“Alright-“ Sam sighed, looking back down at the massive stack of paperwork in front of him. “I make no promises for Gill, though.”

“Gilly could give some of my Uncle’s colleagues at the WIA a run for their money when it comes to withstanding interrogation.” Jon snorted.

“Probably true.”

“Where did your brother take Sansa?” Still holding onto a now much happier baby with one hand, he reached down the other to take a gulp of his own coffee.

“He said something about going out towards the Tyrell Estate.” Sam shrugged. “They probably drove out there to see the gardens- he’s said it’s a good road to take his bike out on.”

Jon promptly spat out his entire sip of coffee, staining the front of his shirt as well as the back, and frightening little Sam enough that he started to cry.

“He took her on his motorcycle?”

Gilly picked that moment to reappear, completely clean and with wet hair, blinking at the scene in front of her.

Sam, who couldn’t seem to stop laughing, was desperately trying to calm down the baby, who had started wailing, while Jon’s entire front was covered in coffee and his entire back was covered in baby vomit. Not that he seemed to notice, as his face was white and he was making a series of angry looking hand gestures at her husband.

“I really can’t leave you three alone for five minutes, can I?” she sighed. “Do I even want to know?”

#my writing #my wips #writing wips #just APWH things #jonsa #fanfiction wip #God bless Gilly like for real #YES Sansa is on a date with someone else here #muscleman golden retriever McAttractiveness #Aka dickon tarly #unsurprisingly jon is not having a great time about it! #in fairness to sansa the plotline directly preceding this and kicking off her doing some traveling was pretty rough on her #so our poor girl really deserves a giant muscley golden retriever with a motorcycle #and to just have a good time with someone who isn't wrapped up in all the stark drama/disaster/mess etc. #jon can deal with it rn bc it's really a 'you snooze you lose' kind of situation #sam's usually quicker on the draw but he's very sleep deprived here #and working on some stuff for a pathology conference #not at all going to be relevant nope no sir #writing sam and jon interacting vs jon and robb is so fascinating #they're both jon's besties but there's a very different dynamic to the two relationships #in fairness Robb has like SO much complex childhood trauma and is kind of seriously going through it right now #but his scenes with jon always have this sort of darker edge to them #like an 'i've known you my entire life and know everything about you for better or worse' type deal- deeper but darker #it's more akin to a sibling relationship? but also not? they are both going thru it #my headcanon is that anytime jon starts getting too gloomy and angsty gilly just straight up shoves the baby at him #and then waits like twenty minutes #Gilly: 'it's free babysitting!' #generally it works pretty well #jon's like '404 error does not compute' as soon as sam says the word 'motorcycle' #also when sam says 'the secretary' he means randyll tarly was the secretary of defense

[rosalesbeausderholle]

At the end of the day, it just really sucks when you can't even enjoy a new release by your favorite artist because the greater internet has decided she's their acceptable outlet of misogyny and they have to comment or hate on her every move every single time.

#liveblogging my life #and for anyone saying oh it's only bc she's hyper famous and a billionaire now #it has literally always been like this #I've been here since 2009 and it has been like this every single time #like jesus i have to see people lose their mind over soulless factory ready kpop groups #or anything ariana grande puts out #(which btw is 1000% more soulless than anything I've heard) #or any other artist who's lyrics are just as 'cringe' as taylor (which is not a bad thing sometimes lyrics are fun! sometimes lyrics #are tongue in cheek! sometimes some of you are illiterate and don't get basic ass metaphors) #and that's all fine and good #and the respective fandom gets to enjoy the release #but when it's us we have to be exposed with barrage of hate after barrage of hate #sometimes over something so innocent as even announcing an album #like it's really a demonstration about how you can be the best and most successful person in the whole world at something #if you're a woman they'll still hate you #and then you guys find it cringe when she sings about that but isn't she right? #and then how dare we compare her to some of the old greatest of all time #as if they sometimes didn't have fun or cringey lyrics as well! but in this case those are two whole verses in a 31 yo album #but yeah stop and listen to what some of those oldies were singing about #not that they aren't great iconic songs is that the songwriting and bop status is very much comparable #taylor swift

[lemonsharks]

Among other things, I hate that the only two options are "dieting cult" and "if you so much as insinuate that you would like to not be winded after taking a five minute fucking shower you are supreme traitor to the other fatties cult"

#i also loathe myself and every decision ive ever made #how's today going? NOT FUCKING GREAT #i hate health at every size MORE #because at least I know where I stand with the people who are so disgusted by fatness that looking like me is their worst nightmare #HAES isn't EVERY size #it's 'learn to love being fat or stfu and gtfo' #I've hated my body since I was a fucking toddler #i want to be a size 12 and wear a medium and be a little bit squishy and feel attractive #and this is just a sliver of all the things I hate about myself and my life right now #arguably it's the least important #I'm so tired and I'm so lonely

[engagemythrusters]

domino twins

#part of that same au i did for dogma and tup #yea. so. fives has trauma bc he watched his twin 'die' then he watched tup lose control and then everything was different #his whole life purpose was gone in a flash and he was the cause of it--nobody to blame but himself #and tup is struggling due to the aftermath of the faulty chip and dogma isn't himself and. and echo was gone but now he's back. #and nothing is okay but everything is okay and he doesn't know what to do so he just. he throws everything at helping echo get better. #because what else is is he going to do? tup is focused on dogma. and echo... echo really needs the help. #sure maybe deep down its about getting fives out of his head but it really really is important he help echo #bc you don't just... come away from freezing in techno union's hands--with less than half of your human body--and jump back to normal #those legs and scomp had parts fused to him. parts of him never healed from the explosion. and parts of him got eaten by the frost. #and he's massively underweight because feeding a repurposed mechanised POW wasn't high on priorities #and then the cold fucked up his metabolism so he's trying to gain back weight that he can't... #and overall... #it's not going so great. but echo is home and--while he's healed completely (as far as he can be healed anyway)--he gets a night or two #per week in a bacta tank to deal with the chronic pain. and he's getting used to the prosthetics and the tubes and bags #going into where his stomach used to be. and everything can be so goddamn triggering sometimes but. #he's alive. with fives. #and if he just is alive for fives... then fives will be okay. right? fives will be okay if he's okay... so he needs to be okay... #ANYWAY YEA i got a lot of things to say xoxo #saleucami au #arc trooper fives #arc trooper echo #fives and echo #star wars: the clone wars #star wars #the clone wars #my art

[frostfour]

Leafpool and Crowfeather run away, tired of the expectations thrust upon them. They run so fast and hard that Midnight has no hope of catching up, her kin tearing apart the Thunderclan camp.

Cinderpelt and Sootfur give their lives protecting the clan, and by the time aid from Blackstar arrives the newly built camp is but a shadow of its former self. Cats from every position bare cuts and bruises from Goldenflower to Whitepaw. A vigil for three begins but Leafpool leaves no body to bury.

The remnants of the healers den is eerily quiet, filled only with trampled herbs and a heavy atmosphere. Brightheart moves in, followed shortly by Sandstorm and the two she-cats attempt to care for the clan just as their loved ones had done. The work is exhausting, isolated from their families as they recall over and over the little rhymes and facts their loved ones had committed to memory. Rainwhisker dies to an infected scratch that was found far too late.

Birchkit spent moons of the journey begging his mother to let him stay with his friends, asking Tallpoppy why she couldn't live with them instead and only received amused chiding in response. Yet when he crossed the Shadowclan border, gently greeted by the familiar queen he could only focus on the strange tabby tom that accompanied her. His wishes had been granted, now reunited but it had never felt more wrong.

#AKA Birchfall med cat AU #Warrior cats #I just think the concept of a cat being forced into the role could be really interesting to explore when the reason isn't just ableism #Birchkit wants to be a warrior! He wants to hunt and fight with his clan! But Thunderclan is desperate and need a trained healer #and Birchkit is on the verge of being apprenticed. They can't afford to wait and see if Daisy or Sorreltail's kits want the role- he has to #Littlecloud demands to train Birchpaw in memory of Cinderpelt - to repay her for saving his life and introducing him to medicine #Mothwing would have also stepped in to help in Leafpool's memory had she not already taken on Willowpaw #*Barkface voice* Birchpaw you seem great but if I took in a Thunderclanner to train right now Onestar would murder me #The verdict is out on what is happening with the three #But Dovewing and Ivypool get a forbidden father! #Augur Birchfall [handshake] Med cat Birchfall: having an illegal relationship with Whitewing

[levitanias]

thinking about frankenstein's monster again, not anything in particular just kinda brain rotating him like he's the well liked side character of a bad shonen anime

#i'm always thinking about jekyll and hyde though i've been obsessed with those guys since i was way younger #but mister frankenstein's monster has wormed his way into my heart #i'm much too sleepy right now to finish it but when i wake up i hope to continue a video i was watching about the original novel #the concept of frankenstein's monster itself just astounds me it's so great #just everything about it #it feels like a commentary of sorts and maybe it is maybe it isn't #i thought to be thy adam but i am rather the fallen angel #victor is his creator and while not necessarily his god the monster is HIS adam #while the monster had to learn the customs of man he did not truly have to learn how to be man itself #he was created with emotion and the abilities man posses #all he ever wanted was to live and as a creature born with the passion to live amongst men as much as any other man he couldn’t #a hell within itself #and a hell that he did not deserve #a tragedy he could not help and a series of tragedies that overcame him #to not be able to be loved by man and yet be surrounded by him is a worse fate than death #he surely would have rather never lived at all #or maybe been invisible to man entirely #i have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe #if i cannot satisfy the one i will indulge the other #he is a creature of emotion cursed to a life of blind rage #in any other world would he have met a different fate? not at all #man cannot change and he cannot change how he first perceived man and how he was perceived by him #maybe im crazy though #i am crazy im a crazy person!!! #nimposting

[xhanisai]

I do kind of feel a bit spoilt with how the fandom pre-pandemic would share my work easily (fics getting hundreds and even thousands of notes on tumblr and on AO3 immediately and arts getting thousands of notes too). Back then, my work was so eUGH compared to the work I create now which is so much more polished and well thought out.

And now? It’s such a struggle for my art to reach even a hundred notes on this app alone and my fics take a long time to accumulate some attention on ao3. At first I thought it was because my creations have gotten WORSE lol but then I realised it’s been happening to all my friends too online.

Kinda sad tbh.

#delete later #i know that X amount of likes or notes on work doesn't necessarily mean that it's great quality #but i like seeing and knowing that people out there on the internet are enjoying what i put out #and i want more people to see what i can do if that makes sense? #my mentality is a little fucked right now because in the past i created mainly for me and i enjoyed what i did to an extent #but now i'm at that stupid stage where i hate everything i draw and get bored of my own writing and i don't like that #so validation online sort of helps with that mentality to go away #i can't keep up with internet art trends to get the attention on my work that i want that is not a realistic and healthy way of life #and i refuse to touch any salt or negativity in the ml fandom just to get the hivemind to find my work #my most popular work on ao3 is only popular because of lila karma and that makes me so mad because i write 100000x better than that LMAO #but people just wanna see a 14 yr old italian nightmare girl get expelled from school over and over again and i'm just tired af of it #as for art with twitter it's a bit of a russian roulette #you don't know what will be a banger and what won't unless you pay special attention or have a decent following or are always grinding #i don't think my art is for tumblr #i do appreciate the few people who always love and reblog it but i've always known from the start that my art isn't what would be popular #on this hellsite #oh well it is what it is #also don't worry i'm never gonna stop drawing nor am i ever gonna stop writing those two are literally my only outlets of my life #and the only way i can get emotions and feelings out of my body without exploding #and i am still madly in love with ML and will always be obsessed with it #i just miss how the prepandemic fandom would interact with my work and let me know what they thought and all the asks they sent about the #aus i created #it was a good period on this hellsite for me

[minweber]

Never thought I’d say something like that, but the drama of space robot politics in this show doesn't quite measure up to the drama of those teenage girls’ romance.

#which isn't to say that it's not good #it's just that during that dramatic earth episode I found myself thinking #'hm. really bold of them to focus of that right now' #also the world building in this show is quite nice #especially all the 'zero g as part of daily life' stuff #that's neat #I also admit that the 17/21 years thing has completely flown over my head #my excuse is that I am watching big sittings at the end of workdays #but I suspect that I am hardly the only one who fell for it #great setup and execution #ALSO also I gotta say that I sort of knew about the franchise's reputation going in #but still there was a lot of moments where I had to pause to stop and say #'hm. that's fucked up' #in a good way tho #anyway I am not done yet #can you guess which episode ending prompted this post #Gundam #gundam witch from mercury #witch from mercury #suletta mercury #miorine rembran

[neonganymede]

This is just really not going to be my year, is it?

#i feel so fucking powerless right now #like I'm waiting for the bad thing to happen with no way to make it b stop #life just. really fucking sucks right now. #one of my cats isn't doing so great and i just. i don't wanna fucking do this #delete later #if i remember. i just need to vent

[blujayonthewing]

me: okay, come on now, that's a few too many weed nights in a row I think, let's cool it if we don't want it to be a habit

me the very same goddamn night: [openly weeping at my desk in a sudden fit of overwhelming existential despair]

#oops! uh oh! #damn we're in a tight spot #I could have been chillin. I could have been vibing. #I could have been listening to barrett's privateers on loop for some inscrutable reason and then going to bed happy. #doing nothing of any value to anyone every single day of my life obviously isn't helping the existential despair but like. #it's not like I can fix my whole life right now anyway. #the worst thing is I DID stuff today lmao :') I went to the dentist! I went thrift shopping after! I cooked dinner! #I went out of my way to clean stuff in the kitchen! I hung out on my friend's stream and got some social time in! #AND YET. and yet. and yet. #me after having a completely normal and good and productive day: my entire life is pointless and there's no sign of land #cool and fine and good and cool and great #about me

[running-in-the-dark]

sooooo

I'm 32 now

when can I expect to finally grow out of getting obsessed with men people stuff? I'm waiting....

#I doooo not want it #it's embarrassing #can it stop please #BUT also can I not feel depressed and like an empty shell when it's not happening #I mean I can handle it when it's things. hobbies. shows. whatever #sure it usually ends up being expensive as fuck but #at least I don't go around humiliating myself by talking about nothing but a random guy for months on end #how embarrassing! I think a man is hot! I must jump off a cliff immediately #but whyyyy can't I be normal about it at least #other people get obsessed with normal things! like. idk. anything else #soo anyway the opening narration for the texas chainsaw massacre is great isn't it? he did such a good job :) what a nice voice :) I am not #going to be weird about this man any longer :) no I won't! I'm normal about him! I don't want to bite him or chew on his face or anything #like that. just normal things. uh. sex? that's what people usually want. yeah fine that. I mean I do. want. oh I think I'm doing it again #haha no it's fine I just think he's neat (he's the only person on earth no one else exists anymore he's so beautiful oh my god have you seen #his little face he looks like a cute little potato I've never seen anything prettier in my life haha I need to run my hands through his hair #and have you seen how tall he is and he's so cute and I need to. be taken outside and shot. god. #I keep. shrieking. every time I see him. at such a high frequency that it hurts my own fucking ears. because. I can't believe that he exists #I'm. so. stupid!!!! #annnd repeat this every time this happens blah blah blah i should jsut delete this blog right now oh my GOD.

[killerchickadee]

Ah, no, it's Peach day. How the hell has it been 8 years???? How am I still so fucked up from a pet's death?

Best hat

#death is sort of a touchy subject right now so I'm like ok ok ok #still miss my peachy pie 😭 #those were some dark days #i think it was so devastating in part because i was so fucking miserable at the time #like i had no friends for most of the time i spent in Colorado but i had my birds #and then she died so suddenly and it fucked me up pretty badly #man even if life isn't great most of the time at least i don't live in fucking Colorado anymore #lol that middle picture is like 17 years ago

[cowardlycowboys]

over emotional older sisters and their confused younger brothers who have to deal with them

#omg kiera no one cares #this is about mykah and then also about me because like you cant have a post about mykah with it including me #it really sucks to like watch a kid just live your life really #like hey man it really doesn't get better!!!! I'm sorry!!! at least your parents got divorced tho i told my mom I'd kill myself if she left #i was your age too so like i get it!! hate to tell you this tho but it mostly gets worse and he doesn't really get better unless he goes on #a lot a lot of drugs! #she just started crying this morning and was like I'm just being over emotional like wow I've said that too all the time at that age #mykah is sooo kieracoded and that's why she hates when i tell her anything #we butt heads because she's me<33 #I've been thinking about this all day and i just cried lol so #i hope she isn't as bad as me tho because i stood in the kitchen with a knife to me when my mom got divorce INFORMATION #like dubi I'll do it you leave him I'll do it i don't care that he's sooo mean and violent I'll end everything right now at 6½ #forgot i did that until just now but wow great times<33 #can laugh about it now hahahaha

[sovonight]

,

#ohhhhhhh i really do dislike the tonal shift in bg2/tob so much........ and by that i mean mostly in xan's mod 😭 #i mean maybe the sense of betrayal and disappointment is immersive but it really leaves me with No idea what to do with him #in my version of radri's story. like. do i do my best even with all the parts i find ooc? do i cherry pick what i want and forget the rest? #and even after all my complaints i keep thinking back to his author. the fact that somehow this is the *intended* experience #currently feeling like the necromancer who resurrected their wife and is convinced she came back wrong but who just never truly knew her #i keep going back to 'estel'amin'. the fact that xan named charname his hope--and then quickly stopped using that name for her #once her bhaalspawn nature continued to affect her life after the conclusion of bg1 #so--basically--i'm to assume that he changed his mind? she's no longer his hope; his light; and if she is it's rare #he just calls her beautiful now; something far more shallow #and the fact that in tob he vacillates between subtly criticizing her for her nature which she has no control over #(and which in radri's case she has never even willingly given in to)-- #and attempting to comfort her after her nature makes bad things happen to her & around her #--but then his comfort is once again undermined by the aforementioned shallow compliments #it's coming across as 'i love your body despite what you are in spirit' and really isn't a great look at all #look maybe i'm crazy but in bg1 i got the impression that he was able to accept and move past it fairly quickly #like 'ok you're a bhaalspawn so now let's move into problem solving. obviously i have to quit my job and travel with you full time' #but in bg2 he spends most of his time lamenting about how hard it must be for her to live like this #while also pointing it out as a personal flaw of hers. as if she'd had any say in who her father was #like there are npcs literally shouting 'i hate all bhaalspawn!' and here he is--supposedly her closest supporter-- #also subtly saying 'i hate bhaalspawn' right to her face #when literally as a neutral alignment and as a companion of 1-2 years-- he should actually have THE most nuanced take on her??? #in bg1 he says murder is unavoidable in the life of an adventurer. then in tob he comments that charname kills everyone haphazardly-- #--as though in another jab to her nature. meanwhile as a constant companion he should know better than anyone that it wasn't so simple #idk. i'm almost feeling gaslighted by the narrative in a sense #because when everyone else talks about xan in bg2/tob--including charname via the dialogue options/written internal dialogue-- #they say that he's ~gray~ and calm and collected and emotionless etc #meanwhile he's literally the most emotional guy in the game. like. he's freaked out SO many times #so?? how am i supposed to take anything here genuinely?? how am i supposed to engage??? SIGH #anyway today's my first day at my new job and i have to wake up in 2 hours & im certain that i'll be too nervous to eat today #my goal for today is just to not be fired 👍 12 hours from now it will be over...