#like i dont wanna talk about myself being sick cause im scared im gonna get judged

[sapphicsnzs]

sometimes this kink makes me feel so guilty and i wish i didn’t have it

#snz blog #snz kink #snzblr #like i dont wanna talk about myself being sick cause im scared im gonna get judged #i try to be so careful about getting other people sick and i test every time i get sick but i just feel guilty #i don’t even know the point of this i just feel guilty and bad that i have this kink sometimes #i don’t know what this post even is probsvh my sleep deprived brain being dumb #i’m just worried people are judging me and coming to conclusions that i’m careless with other peoples health snd i swear im not #that’s it lol my brain is working overtime

[my-mt-heart]

Its really hard for me right now as a caryler. Im french and i like Clemence Poesy, had it been still a caryl spin off i would be over the moon. And im one of those who loves Rick (refering to your post). I know u said lets not again put the blame on us carylers because we re devastated and saying it, and i get it, im sick of the carylers being blamed for everything as well, but some carylers on twitter are really really really going too far, and also are judging carylers that are not by shaming them and calling them pathetics losers that need attention and approval by GA etc. What kind of bullshit is that? Where's the tolerance for different opinions? Its sad. Im tired.

We dont know yet how this spin off will turn out. Yes the night club thing is strange but its just a setting, it doesnt mean we ll see Daryl having sex with all kind of strippers or girls in the club. Yes, Clemence is younger than Melissa, and the "cast as a lead" thing can be upsetting, but as u said, there is also a male lead, being cast as a lead doesnt mean anything else than she ll be in all episodes and be important to the story. That doesnt necessarely mean she'll be Daryl's love interest (but mind you... donnie and co are gonna jump on that ship for sure, canon or not...) , plus hell for all we know the spin off could be set before the time jump at the end of 11.24 with caryl canon.

Maybe, just maybe, lets wait for the finale before being scared and disappointed, and maybe also lets really wait for that spin off to air or have real spoilers abt it before jumping to the conclusion that its gonna betray Daryl's character. About what Khary said, well, he does know Melissa better than we do so even if he cant talk for her it is worrying for me. On the other side she did say Carol's not over yet, so i guess we just have to wait and see.

I have litteraly nothing against what lots of carylers are feeling right now, i've been sad and pissed myself for months, but seing some of "us" making fun of Clemence on twitter, having decided before seeing anything that its gonna be shit and full of shitty male gaze doesnt help our cause. And i know its not everyone, but its still tiring. And again, we are not bad carylers because we dont hate the new female lead. Our because we re kind of "happy" (not really because its just Daryl but hope u get my point) our country is getting some kind of recognition in our favorite show. I really really wish it could be Caryl in France and not just Daryl, but its not...

There are probably going to be a few french actors on this show that are either half famous around the world or at least huge stars in the french speaking countries (France, Belgium, ect...). I might like them as a fan of french cinema or tv. Am i a bad caryler because i dont wanna hate them just because they are trying to "internationalize" their career with an american spin off of a very famous show ? Am i going to stop liking them because they are in the show? No

Im not saying its what u re asking, i know its not. And im NOT watching the show anyway. Because carol's not in there. I'll just spoil myself if necessary. But i dont want to hate on Daryl, i refuse (i dont care abt Norman).

Again, please, i hope u ll understand what im trying to say. Im so tired. And its not against you. Or anyone on tumblr really. I love your posts. As some other anon pointed out, you re the light here, very often. Im just exhausted. Now, i shared here my opinion but respect yours or everyone else, i just wished everybody (and i dont mean u) did the same.

I understand what you're saying and I agree we shouldn't be jumping down each other's throats or blaming the new cast. As for the general uproar, AMC has broken our faith in a lot of ways, they've mishandled Daryl's story before (thinking of Leah), they've sidelined Carol/Melissa, kept Caryl apart and the list goes on, so I think it's important to keep holding them accountable for that. The finale/finale event will give us more insight like you said, and if we aren't happy, then yeah, we don't watch. I don't think any of us are planning to anyway.

#caryl #carol peletier #melissa mcbride #darylneedscarol

[h3artbrok3nn]

i already hate this year dude and its only been 3 days into it i have been stuck with the devil, lost my best friend, been getting horrible pain since december, my insomnia has drastically gotten worse, i realize how i cant open up to literally anyone anymore (besides my bf), my dad has been extremely sick, my self harm cuts are starting to show all around my body, my mom yelled at me for having no irl friends, im getting called emo every day now (i hate when people call me emo dude), im too scared to talk to people, my stepmom is slowly starting to realize shit, my 21st attempt of suicide didnt work, my stepbrother is in prison and hes the only one i really talked too, my brother wants me dead, my mom couldnt care less about me (as usual), im getting sicker and sicker everyday, my body became more weak, my anxiety has also increased, my teacher is back and hes gonna see right through me, my boyfriend might start to get annoyed by me, my hallucinations are much worse, i keep seeing demons idk- literally losing my bestfriend was like the icing on my fucked up cake- i was literally gonna bring him his late Christmas gift tomorrow today too- idk wtf im supposed to do with it now. I only have 2 irl friends now and my boyfriend. Thats all I talk to. I dont even see juanny (one of my irl best friends) much anymore. I barley talk to him and hes the one who told me that my other best friend wanted to drop me. The only reason why I see my second and last best friend now is because i have 2 classes with her but besides that, i dont see her at all

and the best friend i lost i saw everyday in the morning and during his lunch when im on my way to choir speaking of best friends, my old bff adri keeps making me do her fucking bidding and idk dude and dani's birthday is now in 10 days- shes gonna be 14 dude ive known her since she was 10 and it breaks my heart we arent friends anymore and evan is gonna be 18 next month which is crazy- ive known him since he was 14. this is already a really hard year. with everything going on with my father, and him always yelling about him killing himself and gonna die soon, it only makes me think i'll lose him. I love my dad so fucking much dude- i cannot lose him but i see only the worst coming because of all this. If my dad dies when im still in these conditons im ggonna be with my mom for the rest of my highschool years, my stepmom will be gone, i'll never see my older brothers again, nor my cousin, or my stepmoms family. I'll be stuck with that fucking thing for the next 3 years all alone in this room where it feels like im always being chained to a wall. idk whats happening anymore- nothing makes sense i wanna give up- life isnt worth living- im about to lose all my online friends too dude im gonna go back to 2019- when i was gone from the internet for like 2 years and when i came back, everything and everyone was gone im gonna be all alone again and just trapped in my mind with my hallucinations and my nightmares my mom only encourages me to kill myself, shes the worst. My stepmom is more of a mom than her and I hate her a lot of the time too but I still love her just because she was here for me when my mom wasnt. My mom doesnt know my first words, she doesnt know what things i like, she doesnt know anything much about me. She has to go through my phone and look at my conversations when Im alseep. She doesnt even give me privacy. Meanwhile my stepmom knows me, but she doesnt know my first words cause she wasnt around when i was that young since i started talking at like 9 months old but like the point is shes there to help me with school, do everything for me, be there for me, and literally everything my mom has never ever in her pathetic little preppy pick me girl life. my dad told me that my mom made him almost killl himself- if he did, i would have been an orphan. my mom only takes care of me because of the childsupport money my dad is forced to give her every month. and she tried doubling it like a little bitch because i started calling my stepmom "mom". if my dad were to have killed himself, idk what the fuck my life would have been like but it might be better without her tbh and yeah like sure my dad used to be abusive as shit but my stepmom saved me from that and everything

so hes fine now i mean he had one slip back in march, but besides that hes been okay. i'll never like new years. not only do i have to think about my grandma who was murdered when my dad was only 9, but i have to worry for my father because its like the day he wants to die the most. This was the first year not being with him on new years to cheer him up- i was so worried, and it turned out i was right for being worried. Not getting into that. This year is so rough already within the first 3 days, I hate it I HATE IT SO MUCH DUDE. im sorry idk anymore. I fucking hate this

#vent #sorry its so fucking long

[fallingsunflower]

BESTIES I'm so sorry - I hit my post limit waaaay earlier than expected! Some of y'all joined me on my backup account, (which I also hit the limit on lmao), but I'm back now.

I had over 400 asks to go through and I'll give you a warning that not all of them will appear (either because they were old or because they were topics we already answered). But here is a giant list of asks I compiled for you from when I wasn't allowed to post lol they don't really require my response but I found them entertaining to read. Hope you don't mind I've just put them all together in one post. It's also to save me from using up my 250 posts lol

"this is all so embarrassing like my god imagine when the promotion of the movie starts how horrible it will be for other people who made the movie too"

"SELL UR TICKETS TODAY WATCH THE MOVIE ILLEGALLY, next article we’ll be talking about these two assholes filing for bankruptcy. cheap harlots. don’t mess with your meal ticket."

"hate to say it but i defs think they‘ve got a sliver of the gp’s attention for five minutes"

"I am scanning through all these photos looking for just ONE where he looks like he's smiling and enjoying this. It's so crazy."

"I guess those are all the pics we’re getting right now. But I wouldn’t be surprised if they finish the Italy trip off with one more major Backgrid photo shoot."

"Olivia’s trending on Twitter but not Harry. Like it’s obvious who’s getting the PR gains here!"

"If they dont give us a 6 month or more break after this im gonna need them to pay for my therapy bills from now on bc of this damage no joke let me crawl back into my shit hole now 😑"

"The palce they at is referred to as “tuscanys best-kept secret”. Everyone point and laugh."

"she looks like she’s enjoying all of this. he looks like he wants to push her into the water."

"a few people said he’s keeping his shorts pulled up or covered in all the shots because of the Nike branding which they ask to not get photographed. What a setup."

"Man I knew the second those Tomdaya pics came out of them kissing and how they were trending so fast that HO were going to do something to 'top' them. Its pathetic /// FRRR. she probably hoped for the positive reactions that people gave tom & zendaya but unfortunately, miss girl got the opposite. when will they realize that nobody, but his fans, find them cute lmao can they just stop, it’s so embarrassing 😭😭😭"

"He really out here doing this with someone who almost old enough to be his mother, shiiiiiiiit. Sickening. Sick of these 2 for real now, i was fine with the good old blurry back content and whatnot but this? Crossing a line here nobody wanna see that shit and knowing how people feel goooooood damn."

"I aboslutely despise kendall for obvious reason but this one is actually worse than the hendall one bc you couldnt really see as much as now dis gos tang."

"She’s also wearing the cross necklace again. I feel like if that was so meaningful to her she wouldn’t risk loosing it in the ocean 🙄"

"guys have eyes on tmz. I Do not have tw now. they were so aggressive towards them"

"I'm sorry for Harry because you lost your damn mind bro"

"Now why the hendall pics are better ?? NO SHADE BUTT"

"I’m genuine confused like do they actually want dwd to flop or what? I just threw up in my mouth I sure as hell ain’t gonna watch their sorry ass movie. Is it supposed to flop? I’m so confused!"

"The match was not interesting enough so they cooked up something different especially since people were pointing out how they staged the PDA. And the page 6 article is out already!!!"

"Who the fuck thought this was a good idea"

"Is it just me or does harry's face looks really blank for someone out on a Romantic date with his alleged girlfriend.?"

"if thats it, harry hasn’t no game🤣🤣🤣🤣"

"so this is why the tabloids weren’t talking about the match pics! they didn’t have any value on their own. now with the yacht pics? my oh my they’re gonna get the clicks of their lives. her team was prob like “wait a sec we got something for y’all”"

"If they were models hired to act like a couple they wouldn't get the job......"

"Not them starring right at the camera in some of them help make it less obvious will you"

"HENDALL🤣🤣🤣is that uuuu"

"Harry’s ass crack thought it should make an appearance too."

"What a great day for team PR, happy Monday you guys! Let's pop the champagne 🍾🍾🍾🍾 P. S. They both need acting lessons, tbh"

"It’s quite interesting how everything that’s happened before I’ve seen predicted weeks/and in advance on blogs or fan accounts. Like his life has always been so predictable but damn"

"He was hiding the Nike check. That’s why his swim trucks are rolled up to an absurd degree even for him. He knew he was gonna get photographed."

"What I’m noticing is wether people like them together or not, everyone’s saying they’re aren’t a hot couple…there was more chemistry in the Kendall pics by far"

"i also find it weird that he’s not smiling in any of the pictures and it would be one thing if there were five pics from ten minutes of time but there are like 70 from an obvious extended period of time"

"It's interesting everyone involved is being Team Try Hard. Yet the universe says no. The last set of pics, Tom and Zendaya overshadowed. People even paid more attention to Angelina and the Weekend (even if business possibly). Fast forward to today and all this fakery only for Gwen/Blake to tie the knot. His team needs to get a clue. She needs to go. Harry needs to clean this up fast."

"Ok i looked at one hugging pic and one kidding pic and they could not look more stagged. It looks unatural ,strange and weird from all angles. You can clearly see from their body posture they are posing for a photographer from backgrid."

"Like I said in my ask a couple days ago the day we get kissing pics is the day that I believe this is all a stunt and I was right. They took a page out of hendall 2016 and it’s looks so forced and awkward. Hendall did it better cause at prater they had chemistry. They must be scared this movie is going to tank because they are pushing this way too hard"

"Real, PR, or whatever relationship it is, they’re fucking boring. You are on a yacht in Italy, can’t you have a little bit of fun? I can’t believe how boring they are, I just can’t. Even if it is just PR, can’t you make a fucking dumb joke so you can laugh or something? Do they have anything in common like to talk about or discuss or make fun of? I’d literally killed myself if I looked like that in a relationship. They are not communicating in any photos we’ve got. They are just walking, or sitting. Even when they hold hands or kiss or hug, they never communicate."

"okay but did ya’ll see the pic of her diving in?? i can’t stop laughing 😭😭😭😭"

"they look horrifically awkward i cannot believe what harry is doing"

"“HEY PAPS COME GET A PIC OF US KISSING TO MAKE OUR RELATIONSHIP MORE BELIEVABLE!!!!!”"

"his ass is hanging out and her bra is almost off what in the hell"

"Hqs on a yacht like that? Mhmhmhm hmmmmm / I bloody well hope that’s not the extend of their acting. That’s dire! 🤦‍♀️"

"this is literally the most predictable “couple” to exist. first, people talked about them showing up the game, and they did. second, people were just talking about kissing pics... AND THEY JUST CAME OUT LMAOOOOOO"

"annnnnnnnnnnnnd there it is. YOU KNOW THEY KNEW THERE WAS A CAMERA."

"ok but where’s the pda or did that get made up? cause these have to be the most awkward pics i’ve ever seen which makes me feel better 😂 also i can feel the meme’s coming with the one of her diving off the boat"

"I call it how I see it they are both assholes and full of shit. Like do your fake kiss somewhere else I do not want to see it!"

"Can they at least act like they’re having a good time?"

"hahahaha I can't stop laughing with that photo of O it's literally her knowing she's being photographed and diving into a professional swimmer style😭"

"the pics are so organic that Olivia is looking straight at the pap before kissing Harry."

"he looked a lot happier with kendall in their yacht pics compared to today’s. i know that was PR too, but he was very smiley and seemed talkative. with this girl it’s like the complete opposite lmao."

#this is also good visual proof for how many people are on team PR lol

[imfartooobsessedwithkpop]

If yall wanna listen to my crisis read on lol

Idk how to put the keep reading thing on so im sorry.

TW

I have to go to physio on wed, and ik i need it because my knee is getting a lot worse - to the point it wakes me up and CONSTANTly hurts. However i have to wear shorts and they are going to be touching me and wripping their hands around my leg and ots so triggering its unreal. Im meant to be skinny by now i cant turn up there with all this stuff on me, i hate it. I dont think im going to go... Im also meant to be going out for Halloween.... I dont think ill go... Theres gonna be people I've never met before and my costume shows skin, they are all gonna think im so fat and i dont think anyome wants me there anyway... Also my anxiety is so much worse to the point its so difficult to even put sruff in the bin. Its like the world has eyes, everything is telling me everything i do is wrong, everyone thinks im so grotesque, ill go to the shop and have to go home cause im scared to even buy fruit in front of someone. Its so suffocating EVERYTHING has eyes and is judging me, then the thoughts start. Im pretty sure my parents are so sick of me, eveytime i binge, i eat their food and it makes me feel so ashamed i hate it, i feel like they hate me. I just want to die i really do and i hate the fact that i cant. Im so afraid of kilking myself and one of my friend's do it (thats what they keep saying) they think it concoles me but it makes me feel like SHIT it makes me feel so selfish - like who am i to end my life when everyone else suffers? I really hate this so much, i hate myself, i hate everything i do everything i have done, it keeps me up so late at night thinking back to all the cringy horrible things ive done and i HATE it. I hate having to deal with the trauma of past things, i hate being the friend who people automatically can say ill whore myself out or the friend who when people mention drugs or alcohol their first reaction is to look at me or be worried . I cant help that im hypersexual because of trauma (and its mot even like i act on it ive never had concentual sex so idk where everyone gets the idea that i have and am willing to, to anybody i see) it hurts so much. I hate it when i talk about triggering topics to my friends caise i shouldnt talk about that shit like keez i need to have respect for their feelings i hate oversharing. Its not like i do it on purpose it just all comes out at once and doesn't stop. I always make people so uncomfortable. I hate having mood swings from happy to extremely suicidal and depressed to extreme unbridled anger. I hate food. I hate eating, it makes me feel so shit. I hate not feeling valid because of my weight, i hate being peoples second choice because of my body. I wish i hated food to the point i wouldn't eat at all. I hate that i ruin my social/famiky life because of my mental health. I wish i could just dissappear and run away, change my name and live a whole diffrent life. I really wish i could just die

#thispo #bed #eating disoder things #tw eating stuff #ana thoughts #thin inspo #i want to scream #i wanna be thin #i want to be loved #why am i like this #i want to disappear #thinspo #sweetspo #meanspo #bulimia #mia #pro ana #anorexia #body dismorphia #anxious #anxienty #depression #eating disorder #depressed #kill me #mentally tired #self harm

[its-3am-sadness]

getting lost up in the past— this is what I found

Friday February 1st, 2013:

ugh..im sitting in third hour..i wanna cry, but i cant theres to many people..

can anyone really save me? ..no.. noone ever can.. i just wanna be happy, truely always happy.. )': ughhhhhhhhhhhh! i gotta go..

Monday February 4th, 2013:

holy shit that was a longg weekend.. i almost cut saturday.. i got a new razor & everythingg.. Jake told me to go chuck itt in the snow, soo i did, but then on sunday i went & found itt.. soo i have itt in my ipod case like my other one.

I stayed up till 3 saturday nightt watching 'Enchanted' i love that movie now (: and i sent Jake a 7 and a 9 page text.. he was asleep though..but his best friend is a girl & i have nothing at all against that, i don't have a reason to hate her at all, i havent even met her, but i still am so super jealous.. i hate that they hang out and slepover together and i dont know, i trust him.. but look what happend with the last guy, i trusted him with all my heart, i never thought he would cheat on me and he ended up fucking his ex-girlfriend and lying about it.. im so scared.. i dont wanna be here.. i was thinking saturday & yesterday how i wish i was single just so i don't have to be so paranoid..but i love being around Jake that i wouldnt dream of ending it..

Shawntay said i should tell him about how i feel with him & his besty, but i idont wanna be the dumb bitchy girlfriend who is all 'you cant talk to girls-blahh blahh blahhk' shitt, ya know?? So ima just leave it to myself because i don't care..

im really trying not to cut.. Tabby (my ex's girlfriend) told me that it takes 21 days to break a habbit & we both last cut on the 22nd, soooo we'll see how that goes..

on wednesday it'll be me & jake's 4 months.. & next thursday is valenitines (how ever you spell itt) day and i wanna get him something.. hmm..

my tits now have names.. right one is Adam & the left is Ryder (:

I love him, my baby. <3 soo much.. </3

Wednesday February 6th, 2013:

today is 4 months with my baby!! i love him sooo much. dude. <3 he is so amazingg. i just want to push him in the snow and kiss him and be crazy. i am crazy about him.. like super crazy aboutt him. <3 i dont wantt him to be taken awayyy! ):

Hunter said he was going to ask me out last week on friday on the bus.. god he's a douche.. he broke my heart so many countless times and just left.. and my ex. my good lord, he is such a dick. im sick of them both fucking with my head and heart. ive moved on and it Shawntay's words 'have a new life with a better guy'.. god i love her. i dont know where i would be right now if it werent for her.. <3 i love you shawny'z forever <3

Friday February 8th, 2013:

well..i almost cut last nightt, i didnt but i was aboutt to.. im not taking my meds, im just throwing them in a bag & ima sell them.. they weren't working anyway soo..

Im seriously so sccared that Jake's going to leave me.. even though he says he's not going to an yada yada yada, but still.. im paranoid.. it's just who i am... i love him with all my heart though.. ya know??

im diguesting..im a whore..a damn slut.. in love with a guy who prolly cant stand me.. im fucking pathetic.. why..why..why would, HOW could anyone like me, or put up with me.. i mean, what the hell..im a little ugly bitch. a fat, pathetic, stupid, idiotic, loud, sluty little damn bitch...fuckkkkkkkk.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuckfuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuckfuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuckfuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuckfuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

Monday February 11th,2013:

well..i hate myself. terribly. fucking. little. cunt. thats what i am. a fucking bitch. a pussy, more like a pair of balls.. pussy's are actually quite strong.. so im a pair of balls. GROSS!.. i like pussy better.. whatever. so anyway.. i hate how much of a bitch i am. im so mean to everyone. im not good enough for shawntay. i dont deserve jake and i feel like i treat both of them like shit.. i dont mean to. they're both my whole world..damn.. i couldnt live with out both of them.. i really couldnt.

Conversation on Saturday Night:

me: how isn't it? if you go then you wont have to worry about me.

Jake: ill worry more

me:no

Jake: yeah i will

Me:no

Jake: why cant i?

me: Because..you just cant. you shouldnt. its not worth it.Never. You should leave before you get hurt.

Jake: this isnt about right now anymore is it?

me: i guess not..

Jake: cause ive told you before im not leaving unless you stop loving me ima be here for you until you dont want me to and ima be with you till you break up with me, i love you and im gonna stay through thick and thin. you wont hurt me. You wont.

Baby i friken love you and i wanna be with you no matter what im yous i dont want anyone else but you and im gonna stay okay?

Me: i hurt everyone. i want to be with you. i am in love with you. but i am so hard and difficult. i push every single person away because i just tear people down. i dont want to do that. You are so amazing and that cant die.

how can i call that mine? that is a way to good for me kindda guy.. ive fallen in love with him. but he is way to good for me.

Tuesday February 12, 2013:

i almost cut last night.. i lost it and i started crying terribly. my mother is such a damn bitch. i cant handle her anymore.. she's having surgary on the 25th of this month.. but shes forcing me to appologise for being 'rude' to my brothers wife.. fuck that.. she told me i didnt appriciate anyone.. you dont tell someone who hates themself, who seriously cant stand to look at herself or hear herself, you DONT TELL THEM THAT THEYRE NOT FUCKING APPRICATIVE! what the hell.. so i have anger issues so i flipped out, not to her, just annonmusly over facebook & shes not even my friend on there so fuck her. seriously. and my mother is sticking up for HER, an not ME. bitch.. i have enough shit i dont need to deal with this, its from over a month ago.. i hate my mother.. she fucking came running downstairs screaming at me for taking something that i really didnt.. i didnt even know what she was talking about.. why... im always to blame. FUCK HER! god... she makes me want to kill myself. she thinks that i look up to her and that she's this perfect little angel and does everything for me.. but all she does is make me feel like shit.. i mean we have our moments that we get along an laugh an are friends. when we're friends we're totally fine, but than she turns in to over protective bitch mode.. i hate itt.. i dont wanna stay after school to get extra help.. and shes fucking making me. i hate it. i hate her. i want to get the fuck away. HELP ME! i need to be saved.

Wednesday February 13th, 2013:

theres not a lot of time to write here today...i only got about 3 minutes.. but damn.. i wanna die.. im not going to stopo myself tonight if i wanna cut. i gotta do it.. its to hard. my parents and my one brother are douches..they fucking dont know when to stop making me feel like shit.. i hate it. goddamn.. i cried so much last night.. i wish i were alone.. it'd be easier not to worry about hurting someone.. i hate myself. im absolutly disguesting. fat, ugly and just so gross.. i hate what ive become.. i cant stop myself. it's who i am now..

my razors fell out of my case this morning, it was scary i thought that someone was going to ask me what they were when i bent to pick them up.. i was so shakey.. i hate myself. ughhh. fuck. i hate everyone, my self the absolute most though.. good bye..

Thursday Febraury 14th, 2013:

well.. i stopped the 21 days last night.. 16.. 2 on my thigh, they're small. and the rest between my two arms. im such a fail..

Jake did the cutest thing ever.. he put a bunch of choclate kisses in my locker & taped it saying 'i <3 u' i keep blushing today.. i just told someone i like they're hat & he said he liked my face, i blush to much, i dont like him even, but it was kindda a compliment, soo.. *sigh* i hope shawntay doesnt get mad at me.. i told her i cut in our notebook, i havent told jake & im nott gunna unless he asks.. i cant tell him.. i HATE THAT THEY CARE!!!!!!!!! ugh... i just hurt eveyrone.. i make everyone want to kill themselves.......... FUCK.

ive been handing outt 'my little pony' valentines today.. only 4 gurls, and like 15 or more guys.. the girls are Shawntay, my friend Kenzie, Tabby & Heather. God.. all of them are so FUCKING gorgeous..ugh.. i seriously wish i could be even half as pretty as them.. Shawntay, everything about her is perfect, i wouldnt change a thing. Perfect long hair, flawless skin, perfect body.. McKenzie, she's in love, happy, so beautiful. Tabby, SO gorgeous, i find her easy to talk to and i think we could be pretty good friends. i love her hair.. i want it terribly. and Heather, her makeup, my lord is it always so damn perfect. no flaws to it, always perfect all the damn day long. She may be a bitch sometimes, but she's also hillarious as fuck. i could see me an her being better friends then we are, but not anything long-best friend. but damn.. i wish i were them..

Friday February 15th, 2013:

last night i broke down terribly and cried for hours.. i could stop. my douche fuck parents.. goddamn.. i wish i could just love them and call it good. but my mom comes down and bitches about facebook.. so now i have to delete it.. god. she controls every damn thing of my life.. she doesnt even know what tumblr is or instagram & she fucking wants me to delete them. HELL TO THE FUCK NO! dumbass. i hate her.. she ruins my life..

Tuesday February 19th, 2013:

okay..well this is reallly really stupid.. but on friday, i realized that with my ex boyfriend, he fucked her while we were together & i had sex with him countless times after.. so now i obviously did something wrong. it showed me how worthless i am & how much i seriously fuck people up..it's all my fault. i loved him wrong. i treated him like shit and look where that's gotten me.. im such a pathetic fucking fail of life. i hate myself.. im used and worthless. im the damn slut of the fucking family for fuck's sake!! my oldest brother just got married & the other just got engaged.. ugh..

ive been starving myself latley too.. it's kinda hard because i love eating, but ive been not eating lunch for about a week & i rarley eat at home soo..

#personal #past #2013 #depressed

[dfwemelie]

August🔥

August 5th. I finally got my phone back from the cruise and omfg I wanna go back so bad. It was so incredibly fun and I met alot of amazing people. I met Gage, Taylor, Emma, Destiny, Dezi, Josh, Jacob, DJ, Andre, Adam, Daniel, Ty, Preston, Eddy, Aiden, and so many more people. It was such an experience and definitely the best birthday I've ever had. None of them are gonna read this but thank you to everyone who made my first cruise and my 16th birthday so awesome. I love and will miss everyone.

I got to watch Gavin today cause Sebastian has a eye doctors appointment which is not fun for me. I also have to get my school schedule today cause I wasnt able to on the 1st cause I was in Cozumel. I'm really hoping I get classes with my friends. I'll be upset if I didn't but itll be okay. If I dont I'll just be known as the quiet girl again.

August 6, I have to force myself to stop liking swedish boy but ngl it's so fucking hard. Hes perfect for me. God fucking damn it why does he gotta live so far. Why do I have to get so attached to people so quickly. I just get left in agonizing pain again and again. it's just a constant state of heartbreak. I hate this. I hate myself. He told me hes forcing himself to stop liking me cause he knows there is no way of us meeting. That really broke me. I keep saying it's fine but it's not. Why do I do this to myself. Why cant I just stay away from all of it like I wanted to in the first place. None of it matters anymore. I guess the only thing I can try to do is move on. I was talking to Parker about it and he said if he really did like me then he would try all he could to make it work. Ugh I just wish he could make it work. Hes not my cute swedish boi anymore, just a guy I met on tiktok. It hurts saying that but that's all itll ever be now. My tiny little sliver of hope that I had was incinerated by the flames of tragedy. I gotta move on. I dont wanna move on. I have to though. It hurts. Its weird not seeing his name as Swedish boi now when he texts me. He asked me to change it.

August 9th, I went driving today and i did kinda good. I went on Birnhamwoods and i was scared but i did good. My mom doesnt know how to give directions. Other than that I've just been in bed all day again. I've been watching Jane The Virgin season 5 with Misty and so many things are happening it's great. Theres 5 days till school and I want to go back but I really dont want to. First I'm gonna have to see Gage and that's gonna be hella awkward. We havent talked since he blocked me like a month or 2 ago. I also have to give Scott his stuff back and that's really gonna hurt. I don't tell anyone but I still wear his jacket sometimes. I know it's bad and I need to stop but I cant help it. I cant help the fact I still miss him. But now I gotta give it back to him. By me doing that it means its really over. I guess that's how its gonna be now. Just over. I gotta ignore the fact that I loved him and he was my first. But now it's gone and I have to accept that. I'm just gonna stop trying ya know. Im tired of getting my heart broken. I just need to be alone from everyone for awhile.

August 10th, Yesterday I was playing with the boys and needed to switch the party from my phone to the xbox. My headset was dead so I asked sebastian for his charger cause I lost mine. He said no but I took it anyways. He knew I was gonna take it so he rat me out to my parents and told me to give it back. I asked if I could borrow it again and he said no. I was angry so I grabbed his headset and threw it on the ground, breaking it. My dad heard and ran up the stairs and started yelling at me. He told me to clean my room so I locked myself in the bathroom. They took my phone, xbox cable, and TV cable. My mom tried talking to me but I didn't say anything, only that I wanted my phone back. While everyone was distracted I grabbed pillows, blankets, markers, and my fan and slept in the bathroom as a protest. At around 1am my mom gave me back my phone and said she deleted everything. I was pissed. But I'm fine now.

I went driving today again. We went through benders and looked at the rich people houses. Must be nice not being broke. I also drove to Kroger which I was nervous about since there were so many cars but I did good. I even parked, not perfectly but in the spot. My dad felt bad about yesterday and got me Starbucks. School is starting up soon and I'm excited to see kaylie but that's it. Not looking forward to giving Scott his jacket back. I'm just gonna walk up to him, say nothing, and hand it to him. I'm gonna stop talking about it before I start crying again lol

August 14th,First day of school and I've already cried twice. Scott kept talking about how he broke up with me and how he feels bad about how he did it and regrets it. Then he asked me about Gavin was and I said he really fucking misses him, cause he does. Then the bell rang and I cried walking out. Other than that it was an okay day. Coach Clair remembered me and I was really happy about that. Also my son Jadon is in that class and that made me happy.

August 15th, I'm in chemistry rn and I fucking hate it. I don't think there are any juniors in here and it sucks. I feel like shjt that I failed this class. It wasn't my fault though. I really hate this. It makes me really nervous and anxious and emotional. I'm not gonna cry but I wish I could. Everyone knows eachother and I don't know anyone. I wish I was in Physics instead but i guess that's harder than Chemistry. Now I'm in level chemistry so its gonna be easier cause I struggled with how fast they were teaching.

Looks like I gotta reset my days clean tonight.

I met this guy named Allon yesterday. I see him everyday since he's in my culinary and he's also in my history and my English. He seems cool and is friends with Eugene. Culinary was fun today, we did a speed dating thing and it was awkward at first but once we got to talking to everyone it was easy.

August 16th, its Friday. School is done for the week. I was upset today cause they changed my history teacher and I loved him. Now they put me with this monotone teacher Mr.Horton. it's weird cause there is only like 10 kids in that class. I am now also in Livestock production and there are 12 student in there including me now. I don't know why some of the classes are so small, there are over 2,000 students at gohs now. In culinary we had to split up in groups and I went with Eugene, Allon, Adam, and Tamara. They are a really fun group. I almost feel bad for leaving Michael to be in a group with a bunch of people he doesnt know but he would've had to choose to sit with them or Eugene so I sat with them so he didnt have to. I had alot of fun. I already know culinary is gonna be my favorite class this year. Mrs.Langley says we aren't allowed to choose our groups this year but I hope she changes her mind. Allon seems really nice. I got his snapchat and we've been talking alot. He has the cutest fucking poodle ever. I see him everyday, not just cause of culinary but hes in my blue day English.

August 18th, its 12:06pm and I just realized I haven't done my review for the last 2 days. I haven't done much. I've mainly been texting Allon and watching Netflix.

August 19th, I try to sleep away my depression. It doesn't work

August 20th, by far one of the worst things about grand oaks this year is the bus situation. There are way too many kids on each bus and they have to get more busses cause it's so over crowded.

Last night was okay, I played Apex with Eugene then after we just talked for an hour. He was the main person talking he kept saying he felt bad for talking so much but I told him I'm a good listener so it was okay. We talked about some deep stuff and we actually have alot in common. We both overthink situations and create random scenarios in our head that would never happen but like what if they did. I almost feel kinda bad about talking to Eugene so much cause Michael hates him and I consider them both of my friends. I've just known Michael for so long but I have alot in common Eugene. More than I thought. I've kinda been leaning away from Michael and from my friends in general. I feel horrible for doing it but I don't want to completely cut them out of my life cause they've been in my life for so long. I guess I've kinda just grew out of some friendships, mainly Michael and I's. Idk maybe I'm just talking too much and should just keep everything how it is.

August 22nd, okay so update. Derek hit me up and I'm like ew but whatever. Allon is making me watch pokemon and ngl kinda love it. My hair is curly. We stan. I feel sick but that's cause I ate a sandwich and kept moving around. Also my back hurts. I wanna die. I'm at the bus stop. Its humid. Ew. Gross. I hate myself. That's it. Goodnight.

August 23, I was kinda quiet in culinary today and everyone was very concerned apparently. I spoke maybe 10 words. I dont know the exact reason but it was mainly thinking about Scott and the fact I kinda feel left out alot of the time. I don't even know why I'm still thinking about him, maybe I should take the time over the weekend to try to stop thinking about him. I feel left out alot in culinary, and in life in general. Culinary cause I sit with all guys and they talk about things I dont really know. I dont feel like talking about it anymore. Goodnight

August 28th, not much has happened since I last updated. I played minecraft with Allon last night and it was pretty fun. He died twice and it was super funny. Before he left we talked about just life. How we've both given up on relationships in general cause we've been fucked over so many times. Which I think is weird cause I keep getting mixed signals from him that he likes me but he also thinks of me as a friend. It's weird. But yea he also asked me if I was gonna go to homecoming this year and I told him I would if someone asked me but other than that I probably wouldnt. Yeah and then he left and I cried myself to sleep cause i talk to my ceiling about how lonely i feel at night. Yeah that's it.

I have such bad luck with guys holy shit I hate myself

August 29th, I played more Minecraft with Allon yesterday. We played for 3 hours lol. It was really fun. We both kept dying in the nether and we also kept killing eachother. I still get confused on whether he likes me or not. So many mixed signals it's crazy. I forgot my chemistry notebook at home and I'm very upset about that but oh well. I get to see Julian today so that's gonna be interesting. I keep seeing Scott everywhere I go and it just makes me so incredibly sad. I wish it didnt but it does. I'm sitting next to Johan and it's very obvious he likes me. I feel bad for not liking him back but I cant help for the fact that I will only see him as a friend. I think the whole Scott thing is playing a part in it too. I dont wanna date Johan cause it means I'll be around him more often. I really miss him but I dont. I want him in my life but I dont. Ya know? I'm confusing myself. Carlos and his friend walked to my house yesterday to get his phone and wallet back. It was funny cause there was alot of lightning and thu der and Carlos got hella scared. My mom pulled up and we drove them home.

August 31st, ah the end. I've played minecraft with Allon all day except for when I went to Akashi. Lifes been okay. I still think about him alot but I'm getting better. At least I feel like I am. Hopefully. I know it takes time but fuck I'm impatient. I miss Kaylie. I like culinary. I've officially established a group. It's me, Allon, Eugene, Adam, and the occasional Ty and Tamara. It's great. I'm happy I've made friends. Also I have a new friend in fashion. I'm trying to plan ahead on outfits for the show and I already have my whole 5 outfits but I need my fashion sketchbook to come in quick cause I'm dying from not drawing these. Adam has concluded I'm addicted to vitamin water. This month was ight. Hopefully I get better next month.

[punkscowardschampions]

Joe & Ronnie

Joe: how much you got on you rn Ronnie: enough for me Ronnie: you aint piggybacking Joe: enough for me then Joe: not suggesting you send it first class Joe: 'less you know how to do that Ronnie: I do but in what world mckenna Joe: however much you reckon you'd need to do it Joe: i'll double it Ronnie: use that ingenuity for your own score Joe: yeah whatever Joe: all chat Ronnie: like ive got anything to prove to you Ronnie: least of all how well i can be your bitch when you holler at me Ronnie: cry is more accurate Joe: fuck sake Joe: forget about it Joe: it's a stupid idea Joe: you gonna give me a better one Ronnie: not one for the scrapbook was it cunt Ronnie: dry your eyes & do your own running Ronnie: you need me to hold your hand everytime now Ronnie: big enough to take it go find it Joe: ha ha Joe: like I'm running anywhere Ronnie: this where we play doctor yeah Ronnie: you tell me how bad it hurts & I make it better for you Joe: exactly Joe: now we're on the same page Ronnie: nah you think you can tear out some pages & spit ball em at me to get my attention but why should I give a shit bout these playground games boy just 'cause you heading back home to your mammy Ronnie: im sound Ronnie: dont care how loud you're crying she's the one who's gotta show up for that Joe: i don't want yor attention Joe: i want some heroin Ronnie: maybe she's still got old school connections Ronnie: find her little black book son Joe: maybe Joe: one of you could be useful like Ronnie: wounded & bleeding Ronnie: shit junkie you are house full of people to shake up & shit to steal but you coming to me Joe: just looking for that big sisterly advice Joe: obviously Ronnie: fuck you Ronnie: you sound like the littlest one what is he 4 like Joe: feel it Ronnie: trying to make my heart bleed now yeah Ronnie: grow a fucking pair before it really hurts Joe: if you wanted to scare me you shouldn't have given me the gear Joe: realistically too late anyway but who wants to hear or think about my idyllic childhood yeah Ronnie: if you couldnt hack it you shouldve cried off then Ronnie: save the tears now Joe: and i thought i was the only one with obsessive thought spirals Joe: when i get some i'll remember to feel good about how much you miss me Ronnie: like youre special baby Ronnie: please Ronnie: weve all got mad minds hows that not clicked in yours Ronnie: how many kids shes squeezed out & you reckon were the only self medicating Ronnie: hit up another sibling to fix you Joe: am though Joe: she's always told me Joe: ⭐ boy Ronnie: talk her up with that foreplay Ronnie: be good for £££s Joe: no tah Joe: not my type Joe: and it's only ever worked on you Joe: but you've given me another idea so cheers Ronnie: i dunno whats funnier that youre trying to tell me you dont wanna slip your mum one or you reckon you know what works on me Joe: lemme know when you work it out Joe: 👍 Ronnie: let me know when youve stopped playing happy families Joe: you reckon i wanna be here Ronnie: didnt see no fingernail marks on my floor or walls Ronnie: still reckon you were dragged though yeah Joe: check your thighs Joe: ain't all perks being the favourite 💔 Ronnie: [sends him pics cos that bitch haha] Ronnie: grow a pair whipping boy Ronnie: before she says jump youre on the ledge Ronnie: its pathetic mckenna Joe: see Joe: ain't been that long Joe: only feels it, babe Ronnie: you'll need all that sweet talk for the local dope dealer Ronnie: but if you wanna think of me when you're turning tricks for them it'll go easier Joe: lovely as that'd be Joe: not in progressive london now Joe: gonna have to pay like the rest, worst luck Ronnie: go beg for your pocket money then kidda Ronnie: before she picks a new fave Ronnie: younger & prettier like Joe: nah Joe: we want her to Joe: remember Joe: then me and more importantly my student loans can come back Ronnie: bullshit if you wanted her to you wouldn't have gone Ronnie: you love it Joe: can't just go way uni and never come back Joe: send out a search party Ronnie: use your ⭐ as a beacon cant they Joe: let's hope not Joe: i come here Joe: keeps 'em away rest of the time Joe: yeah Ronnie: if you want em to fuck off commit to it Ronnie: stop being such a pussy Joe: ain't that easy Ronnie: find a ditch to lie down in Ronnie: it ain't hard Ronnie: youre a junkie motherfuckers don't support that Joe: far as they know Joe: i ain't Joe: let 'em catch up Ronnie: do it yourself if you wanna slam the door Joe: see how this goes Joe: not really thinking about them right now Joe: you know Ronnie: youre on one about that lot constantly Joe: just on one constantly full stop Joe: why else would i need the shit Ronnie: dont need to go that hard playing doctor baby Joe: 💘 Joe: you always know just what to say Ronnie: not used to you talking Joe: i know i know Joe: in an ideal world neither of us would be here Ronnie: like not born yeah Ronnie: but she cant keep her legs closed Joe: such a dreamer, you Ronnie: not the one who cant get high without their hand held Joe: n'awh Joe: that's the dream Joe: so romantic too Ronnie: yeah im living it loads of gear close & you far as Ronnie: greedy prick Joe: miss you too baby Joe: in a bit tho, gotta go pick up Ronnie: fuck off soft lad Ronnie: you miss me spoon feeding you Ronnie: you cant talk to me with a dealers cock in your mouth I know Ronnie: multitasking hard enough pretending not to be junkie scum yeah Joe: sure the whole mummy kink ain't your thing Joe: i'll try and get involved but kinda a mood killer Joe: which is kinda rude, know you don't want me to score Ronnie: thats all yours but I'll try anything once Ronnie: 'cause a whinging dope sick baby is really a turn on for me like Ronnie: just gotta keep that going Joe: no judgment here Joe: gotta do what you gotta do Ronnie: you gotta Ronnie: im sound Joe: and i'm happy for you Ronnie: lie to them don't lie to me Joe: alright Joe: will be a bit when I get mine but still Joe: you don't have to be here so Ronnie: you dont Ronnie: grow up & cut the fucking apron strings Joe: you've stopped being helpful for the day? Joe: right then Ronnie: fuck you Ronnie: not flying over to fuck you cos your ma aint in the mood & thats as helpful as it gets Joe: why not Ronnie: youve got another sister Ronnie: see if shes into it Joe: but you're so special yeah Ronnie: but shes a good grooming age Joe: leave it out Ronnie: or what Joe: or what Ronnie: asked you first joseph Joe: alright veronica Ronnie: alright weak cunt Joe: probably Ronnie: pick up before you make me sick Ronnie: jesus Joe: waiting on the man Joe: as per Ronnie: if id known rattling had made you shit out your whole spine id have sucked his dick for you & sped things along Joe: so sweet Joe: one of the many things I like about you Ronnie: list just gets longer the longer youre away yeah Ronnie: dont come back & maybe you'll fall in love Joe: i know you want that less than you want me back Joe: don't lie Ronnie: you care what I want now Ronnie: 💘 Joe: only when it benefits me too, darling Joe: junkie scum 101 Joe: was on my timetable like Ronnie: theyve really done a number on you if youre on your knees for my truth Joe: who Joe: mummy dearest or my school Ronnie: take your pick Joe: ain't tryna hide it Joe: just doing my bit to be the whiny baby you want rn Ronnie: cheers then Ronnie: nailed that Ronnie: tell your ma i finally get how she feels 'cause its too late to get you scraped out Joe: 😂 Joe: on it Joe: assuming i ain't 'bout to get kneecapped Joe: or worse Joe: stood up 💔 Ronnie: i'll cross my fingers for raped & robbed Ronnie: standard Joe: you know i ain't gonna have that much of a good time without you 💘 Ronnie: stop trying to make me say I hate you so you can rub one out Ronnie: i dont do sexting Joe: worth a shot Joe: just killing time here Joe: trying not to puke Ronnie: hot Joe: mhmm Joe: like that attempt at enthusiasm Ronnie: you really know how to make a girl wet what can I say Ronnie: gotta romance my dealer out of want instead of need now Joe: thought I'd return the favour Joe: just how I roll Ronnie: course you do golden boy Joe: you ain't that mad about it Joe: i know Ronnie: i aint as fucking thick as you so again course Joe: true Joe: [time for drew to show and not deliver] Ronnie: made up about all these compliments Ronnie: who knew you could be this much on my tits from this distance Joe: just that good Joe: obviously Ronnie: you aint shit Ronnie: don't lie Joe: whatever Joe: can't touch me now Ronnie: only your ma is turned on at the sight of you Ronnie: but she will Joe: alright Joe: cba rn Ronnie: how are you still crying Ronnie: did he not show Joe: he did Joe: but he was about 12 and had no gear Joe: got enough tranqs to knock out an elephant but still Ronnie: when i told you to hit up your siblings i meant the freckled one not one of the toddlers Joe: yeah right Joe: like he knows a great smack dealer, even if we did talk Ronnie: hes a coke head Ronnie: give him 5 Joe: nah Joe: opposite direction Joe: only way is up Ronnie: whatever just get on a plane Joe: yeah Joe: i'm gonna Joe: fuck this Ronnie: ill be waiting with shit that aint a fucking joke Ronnie: you can owe me Joe: yeah? Joe: good Ronnie: don't talk me out of it Ronnie: christ you're annoying Joe: 🤐 Ronnie: only want you back on your feet so I can kick em out from under you myself Joe: hot Ronnie: like you said, it ain't been that long Ronnie: you know I am Joe: yeah Joe: where was this distraction when I really really needed it tho Ronnie: baby when have I ever been good for you Ronnie: selfish to my core Ronnie: we're here for me Joe: works for me Ronnie: just get to the airport & stop fannying about Joe: I've already taken 'em so hold on Joe: no packing now never mind going through customs Ronnie: fuck's sake Joe: i had to Ronnie: when then Joe: still today Joe: just later Ronnie: fuck you Ronnie: call me Ronnie: maybe i'll answer if it ain't too late Joe: can i call you now too Joe: i gotta stay awake Ronnie: I'm good but no guarantees I'm that good Joe: they ain't kicked in that good yet either Joe: just keep my eyes on the road yeah Ronnie: how much did you pay for baby aspirin mckenna Joe: was cheap as fuck at least Joe: just a kid Joe: barely broke a 50 for all of these so Joe: [photo] Ronnie: not as green as you feel yeah Joe: want me to bring some back Ronnie: too late to rob the boy now Ronnie: & you'll take em yourself before you see me I know you Joe: yeah Joe: i will Joe: but had good intentions, babe Ronnie: take em to church Ronnie: what use is that shit to me Ronnie: gimme bad ideas or don't come around Joe: got plenty of those come on Ronnie: like what Ronnie: come on Joe: what Joe: tryna focus here Ronnie: you wanna stay awake Ronnie: play the game Joe: alright Joe: yeah Joe: you gonna come back to mine Joe: flatmate's gone home Ronnie: are you gonna make it worth it if she's not there to kick in the teeth Joe: won't need to miss her once I'm back Ronnie: fucked her yet? Ronnie: we could do it together Ronnie: I dont normally slip one to virgins but I already made the exception for you Joe: no and funny Joe: keep me as the only exception Joe: how else will i feel special Ronnie: keep hitting up preteen dealers that'll help Joe: he was pretty Ronnie: if im ever in the area like Joe: i wish Ronnie: you & your ma both Ronnie: my turn to feel special Joe: weird ain't it Ronnie: for me Ronnie: you love it Joe: nah Ronnie: not a question Ronnie: you do Joe: don't Ronnie: liar Joe: maybe from you Joe: I'll allow it Ronnie: those pills better be kicking in Ronnie: if youre chatting this much shit sober you can stay in ireland Joe: 😂 Joe: they are Ronnie: book a flight Ronnie: i ain't your ma im not doing it Joe: lemme get home, like Joe: be more obvious you're tryna kill me Ronnie: what im trying to do Ronnie: you gonna call that your home now Joe: you know what i mean Ronnie: yeah Ronnie: i know youre full of shit, mckenna Joe: nah Joe: just bars Joe: make it up to you Ronnie: bullshit Ronnie: x it as many times as fits Joe: k Joe: prove it when i see you Ronnie: you reckon Joe: not a question Ronnie: nah just bold claims for someone who still fucks like a virgin & has to check in with his ma Ronnie: can you without her permission Joe: get the slip signed if you're so worried Joe: chill out Ronnie: fuck off Ronnie: couple of chewable vitamins & you're chill yeah Joe: you said you got loads Ronnie: I said enough Ronnie: & that was before babysitting you Ronnie: you make me need to spike every vein Joe: need Joe: want Joe: same diff we both know it Ronnie: not trying to make it matter baby Ronnie: put any words in my mouth you want Ronnie: or need Joe: here Joe: wish me luck on telling 'em i'm off Joe: or don't Ronnie: i'll do it for you Ronnie: point me at the relevant mckennas Joe: even stoned Joe: know that ain't a good idea Ronnie: pussy Joe: love u 2 Ronnie: 💋 Joe: [suitable amount of hours for the shit to wear off to a manageable level, avoid the parents and get out on the sly] Joe: [airport photo] Joe: tada Ronnie: we reckoned you'd bottled it Joe: taken a poll like Ronnie: yeah know you like to feel special Joe: warms my cold dead 💘 Joe: honest Ronnie: walk your corpse to me then Joe: and she says she don't sext Ronnie: you wanna be the only exception so bad or what Joe: you know how bad i want it Ronnie: dont leave again & maybe I'll buy it Joe: being dopesick was almost a nice distraction from thinking about you Ronnie: that warms my 🖤 Joe: thought so Joe: nothing does it quite like me being near-death yeah Ronnie: i do like you pathetic Ronnie: but don't think that any of it comes close to me yeah Joe: you saying you're better than heroin Ronnie: im saying you think you were hurting earlier Ronnie: ill show you pain Ronnie: all you have to do is fuck off again Joe: i won't Joe: i need to be there Joe: with you Ronnie: leave me & I will fucking break you Ronnie: i mean it Joe: i know Joe: i'm not gonna Ronnie: how did you get out Joe: parents weren't in but i said a uni friend was in a car accident and they couldn't get hold of his parents Joe: going hell anyway Joe: and someone on my course was hit by a car so if any of them are that concerned to go snooping Ronnie: thats beautiful Ronnie: you're not as much of a useless waster as youve sounded for most of the day like Joe: steady Joe: was almost not an insult Ronnie: who isn't turned on by a good lie Joe: only when I lie to you Joe: got it Ronnie: don't you fucking dare lie to me Joe: couldn't if i wanted to Ronnie: think about what kind of welcome back you want Ronnie: 'cause I can be nice or not nice Ronnie: its on you & what you say to me Joe: baby Joe: already told you I basically missed you more than heroin, how nice can one boy be Ronnie: you wont be saying that when I hand the gear over Joe: yeah i will Joe: been on you longer Ronnie: its fucking good though Joe: yeah Joe: ain't gonna say otherwise Ronnie: paid more & got better so you won't wanna leave Ronnie: dont have to rely on pretty preteens around here Joe: you know i didn't wanna leave in the first place Ronnie: i know you keep saying it like it makes a difference Joe: tell me what will and i'll do it Ronnie: i'll burn your passport that will Joe: burn my passport Joe: that's what you want? Ronnie: what do you have to go running to them for Ronnie: that's what I wanna know Ronnie: what the fuck is there for you Ronnie: cant even get a fix Joe: nothing, never has been Joe: it's obligation though Joe: you get it, i know you've done some shit just 'cos charlie wants to Joe: or 'cos bronson need it Ronnie: that's different Joe: why Ronnie: I ain't going round bullshitting how much i hate 'em on the one breath & in the other dropping everything for the pair of 'em Ronnie: ride or die is that Joe: okay so it is different Joe: it's more complicated Ronnie: fuck complicated its black & white Joe: nah like Joe: whatever i reckon about them Joe: i still owe 'em Joe: for now Joe: debts to pay like Ronnie: how ain't it been paid Ronnie: they ain't done you right since you were a kid Ronnie: if ever Ronnie: a roof & food that's easily totalled Joe: i dunno Joe: shit ton of interest Joe: learnt from the best debt collectors in liverpool, like Ronnie: write it off Ronnie: is when youre dead Joe: tell 'em that's my payment plan Ronnie: talking it out is your first mistake Ronnie: when the fuck has that worked on anyone who comes to collect Ronnie: dont even buy you time just makes you look a doss cunt more than you are Joe: maybe i can convince my da but you know she's biased Joe: all i have to do is get uni done and they can tick it off as a success Ronnie: i dont know jack about her Ronnie: how i want it Ronnie: if i aint read it off a file as a kid i don't need to hear it Joe: yeah Joe: but i ain't telling you i'm golden boy 'cos it seems cool am i Joe: whatever i'm gone now Ronnie: you're telling me 'cause you wanna trade wounds since I won't have your stories off you Ronnie: burn it into your arm deeper & maybe I'll pay attention Joe: you know it ain't about you, babe Joe: anyway, if we were still being nice I'd tell you none of the usual shit works to get you outta my head so thanks for that one Ronnie: ive been saying all day it's about her & I ain't competing with your fucking ma alright Ronnie: she smothered you poor baby Ronnie: you wanna try neglect its real easy Ronnie: feels better too Joe: you're the one who keeps bringing her up, yeah Joe: you want me to be that cunt Joe: easy Joe: I bet it was better, lucky you Ronnie: youre the one who ran home to have her tuck you in again Ronnie: youre that cunt Ronnie: mama's boy Joe: fuck's sake Joe: yeah alright Ronnie: you're the cunt who has the nerve to come crying to me when your mommy would shoot you up if you asked her to Joe: you reckon Joe: considering her dad was and she don't even hate yours as much i'll go with a no on that one Joe: plenty of sad stories I've heard and you ain't need to Ronnie: I reckon golden boy Ronnie: loves you as much as I love gear yeah Ronnie: & not trying to throw another baby away so you're welcome for the free pass Joe: cheers Joe: feels great Ronnie: you gonna cry again mckenna Joe: if i do i'll send you photos, don't worry Ronnie: 💘 Ronnie: send me some either way Joe: you're a headfuck you know Ronnie: yeah Ronnie: dealer said it last time I fucked him Joe: you want fresh line Joe: 👌 Ronnie: give it to me then Joe: give me the flight to think of something you ain't heard before Ronnie: it ain't long enough Joe: fair there's plenty of shit i can say that you ain't heard for real before Joe: but it'd be a copout so i'll keep trying Ronnie: like what Joe: how many of your brothers you fucked lik4 Ronnie: don't reckon freckles is interested Ronnie: leaves me the gay & the kid Ronnie: what about your sister that'd be hot like Joe: they're all kids, just so you know Ronnie: no they ain't Ronnie: i know you lost your virginity to me but don't reckon they're waiting Joe: you wish Joe: hopefully just on the first count Ronnie: you're a sick boy Ronnie: 💋🖕 Joe: you too baby Joe: 💘 Ronnie: thats not some shit I ain't heard before Joe: just truth though Joe: no lying Ronnie: feels like one Ronnie: I'm good Joe: what you want me to say to that Ronnie: say what you wanna say Ronnie: again not your ma Joe: i'm good then Ronnie: truth or lie Joe: lie but not a big one Joe: true once i'm off this plane Ronnie: you out of sweeties or they're just that sugar free Joe: i'm trying to time it just right Joe: then i can actually just a decent amount and not be in a coma for you Ronnie: alright fuck Ronnie: you win Ronnie: nobody's said that to me before Joe: i mean it Joe: i want you first Ronnie: don't say this shit when you're on the wrong side of a plane ride Ronnie: jesus mckenna Joe: gotta make sure you miss me too Ronnie: you're such a cunt Joe: yeah Joe: you still want me though Ronnie: shut the fuck up Joe: why Ronnie: what do you want me to say Joe: you don't have to say anything Joe: but I ain't gonna shut up about how I ain't been able to get you out of my head this whole time Ronnie: yeah you said im a headfuck Ronnie: more than your family & the gear Ronnie: I'll take it Joe: better though Joe: you know Joe: so I'll take it and all Ronnie: you're a headfuck Ronnie: what are you being nice to me for Joe: you said it could go one of two ways Joe: you want me to be mean Ronnie: I want you to be here Ronnie: but you ain't Joe: I'm coming Ronnie: & I'm waiting on you Ronnie: what the fuck Joe: I know Ronnie: I hate you Ronnie: I'm losing it, do you know that Joe: I'm sorry Ronnie: what am I gonna do with that Joe: I don't know Joe: what do you want me to do Ronnie: what can you do Ronnie: can't even score by yourself Ronnie: worse than a fucking kid Joe: was desperate Joe: and it was your idea Ronnie: thats how it is every time Ronnie: you don't have any fucking idea 'cause I'm here cupping your balls & wiping your arse for you Joe: you've been giving me an easy ride of it yeah Joe: alright Ronnie: youre gonna try & call bullshit on that yeah Joe: nah i just had no idea you were being so generous Joe: would've got you a keychain at least Ronnie: fuck you Joe: you too Ronnie: get one with sharp edges we can make a blood oath or some shit Ronnie: maybe after you'll grow the hell up Joe: sure Joe: it's my speciality yeah Ronnie: cutting's more mine but you can have it Ronnie: same old shit gets boring yeah Joe: we can share Joe: she'd be proud Ronnie: my aspiration in life Ronnie: cheers Joe: obvs mine too Ronnie: you brought her up then not me Joe: reckon you owed me that one so Joe: even Ronnie: 💋🖕 Joe: you're cute Ronnie: say that again & you'll be swallowing teeth Joe: don't worry, that was hot Joe: you won it back Ronnie: go to hell mckenna Joe: you wanna be with me forever Joe: 💘 Ronnie: just reckoning you'll get there quicker than you will this fucking airport Joe: just be glad I didn't try to get back in at rush hour Ronnie: be glad im still waiting Joe: ain't gonna waste words on it Joe: show you Ronnie: 💘

[turtle-steverogers]

Departed- Chap 9

here’s chap 9 it’s a doozy. read here on ao3

Warnings: mentions of emotional, sexual, and physical abuse. be. careful.

Editing: minimal oop

Race and Spot laid tangled together on their bed. It was two days after Race’s birthday, and subsequently, the kiss they had shared on the ship. They had yet to discuss what exactly was happening between them, but they had silently agreed to allow some time to simply enjoy each other’s intimacy. Cuddling at night and around the house took on a whole new energy, and even now, as Race shifted around in his place in between Spot’s legs, his back pressed against Spot’s chest as they scrolled through their phones in comfortable silence, occasional kisses were being exchanged. The peace was broken when Race clicked off his phone and chucked it sluggishly onto the floor. Spot flicked his eyes away from his email app, where he had been checking his work schedule, and peered down at Race, who was twisting his fingers. Spot could practically feel anxious energy emanating off of the taller man in waves, and he casually moved the arm that had been draped across his middle off of him to allow him space.

“What’s up?” He asked carefully, also clicking off his phone and placing it on his bedside table.

He could see Race scrunching his nose periodically, a clear sign that he was in deep thought. He felt him take a deep breath, “I, uh, I wanna talk to ya about….I think I’m ready,” He said in a small voice.

Spot furrowed his brows, “Talk about…” he hesitated, “The other night?”

Race shook his head, then shrugged, “Yeah, I mean, I guess that ties into it, but that’s not what I meant.”

“What did you mean?”

“Melissa,” Spot felt his breath catch in his throat, “I’m ready ta talk about what happened.”

Spot nodded, “Share however much or little ya need,” he pressed an encouraging kiss to the top of Race’s head, “And stop if ya need to,” he added. Race didn’t say anything for another minute or so and Spot waited patiently.

“At first, she was perfect. Beautiful, smart, interested in the same things as me. I felt like I could be myself around her. We were a power duo, ya know,” he paused, swallowing, “I guess the first red flags were pretty minor things. Well, I don’t wanna say minor, but they hid themselves. I didn’t realize what she was doin’ was unhealthy ‘til it was too late.”

Spot hummed, listening closely, but not saying anything. Race continued, “She’d, uh, like get mad at me, right? And usually it was because I actually did somethin’ shitty, I realize that. I’d take her anger and harsh words and I’d let her be mad at me, because that’s how ya move past things. Ya get it outta your system, then work it out. I took the blame for things I deserved, but she couldn’t be bothered to do the same. If she did somethin’ wrong and I’d bring it up, she’d twist it around to be my fault. And suddenly, I was the one apologizin’ for being mad at all. I was in a constant state of guilt. I was scared to be mad at her, because I knew I would have to shoulder the blame. When I finally did bring it up, she cried for hours about how horrible she was and suddenly, again, I was the one comfortin’ her for something she did to me. It was suffocating.”

Race was speaking in a lifeless, almost monotone voice and Spot was surprised at how well he was keeping it together. It seemed as though he was detaching from himself in order to recount what he’d been through.

“Then there was the humiliation shit. Anytime we were around a new group of people, or even her friends, she’d bring up shit stories about embarrassing shit I’d done or things about me I’d rather people not know. I tried to tell her to stop, but then she’d jus’ tell me I was bein’ sensitive and I’d hafta bite my fuckin’ lip. It frustrated me ta no end. Also, oh fuckin’ also,” his voice turned malicious as he spoke, “She was fuckin’ awful about my ADHD. Like, she had no patience for my shit and when I’d get overwhelmed she’d fuckin’ leave me to rot. Or-or if I didn’t take my meds? God, she’d fuckin’ snap at everything I did. I think she was embarrassed, but-” he cut himself off shaking his head, “Anyway, it started gettin’ really bad around last Winter.”

Spot tensed his shoulders in anticipation. He had a feeling he knew what was coming, but he still didn’t want to hear it.

“We were fightin’ every week- constantly goin’ ta bed angry. Shoutin’ at one another, or more like, her shoutin’ and me tryna reason. It was exhaustin’. But then, one night,” Race’s voice wavered and he took a moment to compose himself, “One night she had this fuckin’ sick idea that we’d fuck away our problems. I agreed ‘cause I was too tired not ta, but as soon as we started, I wanted ta stop. My skin felt like it was burning, I-” his breath hitched and he quickly sat up, moving away from Spot and wrapping his arms around himself.

Spot watched helplessly, “Racer, if this is too much you can-”

“No,” Race said, voice shaking, “I needa do this, please.”

Spot nodded, biting his lip, “Alright.”

Race looked down at the sheets and heaved a breath, “Our, uh, our fights were replaced with sex. It was almost every night, whether I wanted ta or not. I tried to say no sometimes, but she’d ignore me until I gave in. I was so tired of fightin’ that I jus’ fuckin’ went with it, but this was worse. I was stuck.”

Spot felt anger bubble in his stomach and he bit the inside of his cheek to stop himself from lashing out and interrupting Race.

“I had enough one night and I tried ta walk away while we were…” Race pursed his lips and shook his head, steeling himself, “But she cornered me and slapped me really fuckin’ hard before I could even get my shirt on. I was shocked and she seemed to realize that it gave her leverage. From then on, whenever we disagreed about somethin’, she’d slap me, or flick me, or do somethin’ to get me to stop fightin’ her way. I knew it was bad, but I told myself that she wasn’t outright punchin’ me or nothin’, so it was fine. ‘Sides, I was the guy so-”

“Hey, no, that doesn’t excuse shit,” Spot cut in, “Guy or gal, a hit is a hit.”

Race grimaced, “I know that, Sean, I was jus’ in denial. I dunno. Anyway. it went on like that for a few weeks until, uh, fuck..” his eyes glazed over and he fixed his gaze on a place above Spot’s shoulder.

Spot felt unease grip at his spine and he sat up ever so slightly, “Racer?”

Race shook his head, eyes focusing again, “Sorry, sorry, uh. So, it went on like that until one night I’d had enough and I tried ta stop her by grabbin’ her wrist and twistin’ it,” he winced, “I hate that I did that, but I was so tired of, uh, yeah. I let go as soon as I’d grabbed her, but he was livid. Started throwin’ things. Got me right in the rib with an iron- I still have the scar.” Race lifted his shirt to reveal a long, white scar right below his left pec, “hurt like a bitch.”

Spot could see Race trembling as he lowered his shirt back down. He ran a hand through his blonde curls and blinked a few times, breathing through his nose, “The slaps never stopped, but now she wasn’t afraid to go harder and I endured it. Kept tellin’ myself that I’d be too much of a burden to ask for help. I started ta think I deserved it. Until that day when she was drunk. Came at me with that broken bottle and somethin’ in me snapped. I was hurtin’ and done and so so tired, I just couldn’t anymore. As soon as she was satisfied with her handywork, I fuckin’ left. And that’s when I came ta you,” he met Spot’s horrified gaze and sighed, “I don’t know why I didn’t jus’ leave as soon as she started bein’ shit, but I was so so lost,” his voice sounded tired and Spot wanted to scream.

“I love you, Spot,” Race choked out, voice thick, “You saved me and I wanna be happy with you, but I’m so fuckin’ scared.”

Spot shook his head, dumbfounded. He searched for the right words as he began to speak, “Race, I know you went through hell. Fuck, I’m gonna end that bastard next chance I get. But as far as we go, just know you are always safe with me.”

“I jus’ don’t know what I’m ready for, yet,” Race said, sniffling, “I wanna be with you, but..”

Spot leaned forward, tapping Race’s chin lightly to get him to look at him, “You’re settin’ the pace here, Racer,” he said softly, “You let me know what you’re ready to do and what you’re not. You let me know what your boundaries are and I swear on the heavens that I’ll stay in them.”

Race’s face crumpled and he pressed a wet kiss to Spot’s lips, who reciprocated it, then pulled him into his chest, “You’re in control, Antonio.”

“Thank fuckin’ God.”

—

we get relationship development next chap and Spot’s thoughts so stay tuned

thanks for reading, chiefs

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#newsies #racetrack higgins #newsies fic #spot conlon #sprace #departed

[chi-----chi]

This is a post to no one bc idrk if anyone i used to talk to on tumblr or like anyone who follows me is still around but i just wanna share some shit bc this is my blog and i can🤷🏽‍♀️

I joined tumblr when i was like... 13 i think? It wasnt the first online thing i was super involved in. Before that I was on fanpop lol. Anyway, i really got into it bc it was a bunch of people involved in ‘geeky’ stuff and that wasnt normal in my small town. It made me feel really accepted and it was cool. I even made some cool friends (not a lot bc i feared talking to strangers lol) but it kinda fucked me up too?

Now im sure people have noticed and i really dont know if this is the case still cause i rlly only follow meme blogs but there eas a desire on this site to just be miserable during the first 3 years i was on here. Everybody wanted to be sad or offended by legitimately everything. It was fucked up but as a young kid (who had no business on this site honestly) this really influenced me. I felt that in order to fit in or just onderstand i kinda needed to be miserable?? I got myself into these deep depressed states and these awful mindsets because thats how the internet said i should be. I became withdrawn and I really think this mindset is really what triggered my social anxiety. (I kinda figured id get normal anxiety cause of genes but not social oof)

At first i had it in my head that i wasnt gonna talk to people bc i live in a small town and theyre ignorant and racist (my town is mostly half breeds and mexicans and i was an asshole). I kinda got this god complex??? Like somehow i was better bc i read a few posts on tumblr about new age issues. This hate kinda grew into fear tho. Like over the years instead of wondering what was wrong with people i started to wonder what was wrong with me? I started to fear anyone i saw laughing or even talking near me bc i assumed it was about me. I wouldnt talk to my friends if they were at a table with strangers bc i feared i would annoy them or they would dislike me. I sat alone during morning break my 9th grade year because i didnt want to disturb my friends at a table with like 2 strangers. I started thinking my friends hated me and even my family and... god i was alone and i didnt feel like this was right anymore?? Like at first i liked relating to all the edgy textposts and memes about hating others and being alone but it got to real.

I started getting breathing pains in 9th grade where i wouldnt be able to breath all the way in and i couldnt get enough air but ot faded. I got kinda good at talking to people again bit i was still scared. I would sit alone in most classes cause none of my friends had the same classes as me but that was cool because my safe haven was band first period and lunch and those two periods just really got me to kinda open up. I ended up becoming a section leader for band and thats a lotta strangers i gotta be in charge of but it was ok until my junior year. I started having the breathing pains again but it was different. I really couldnt get any air and it made me wanna faint. I ended up leaving in the middle of morning rehearsals one day and me and my mom went to the clinic. The dr examined my breathing and what not and determined that I had been having mini panic attacks. We finally got me started on some meds even tho my mom and dad werent sure but god they changed my life.

The rest of my junior year went well and me and my parents noticed a change right awwy. My fears feom before were just like poofed away. My senior year tho was the changer. I did so mich sit and had so much fun. I could just talk to people??? I could go up to someone and just talk to them??? I could call my own appointments or other lines. It was so new but at the same time i didnt even realise i was changing. I stopped getting on tumblr bc it was just bumming me out. I had this new perspective on life and god i was just so sick of being miserable and hating myself.

I love being me now. I love that i can talk and meet new people and go to new places withought fear. I feel so grounded and free to be me. Im not worried about impressing others or caring about if certain people will care what i posted or whatever. I was done worrying and hating and i was ready to be in the moment and be me for once in my life. I was finally feeling confident.

Im in college now and im happy. Im not afraid to stand up for myself anymore and im willing to ask questions in class. I can sit alone in my room for a day without me thinking im alone cause im hated. And i can get on tumblr again and look at funny poctures and reminisce in my old days of a fandom blogger and what not. It wasnt all bad, i made some really great friends and i may not talk to them but I remember them and I remember feeling acceptance from them which ment a lot to me back then. I also got just really informed on what was happening in the world and the issues within peoples lives and thats part of the reason i became and family and child sciences major.

Im happy about the person ive become and im ready for what else is to come. Thanks

#yall dont gotta read #its 3am and im just really feelin it ig #sorry if its long idk of tumblr does the little read more thing anymore?? #whoops #fuckkk i just scrolled past this and its at least two thumb swipes thats kinda wack i was v much in my feels

[dead-thorin]

everything im gonna write is gonna be concerning but it be like that and its really not concerning

for like months now i haven’t been ok. And like it’s gotten worse with the holidays and ive been so fucking angry and tired lol. like at first i was like its fine its ok, then i was like its the hormones it happens, then its the stress of finals and work but like its really not like i legit just dont want to be alive anymore im really tired of it. Like idk how to convey just how much i dont care anymore to be alive

1) I feel so fucking isolated here like i have friends but a majority of them are cis. And like the trans people i know? most of them on T are non binary which like valid, but they dont get the full extent. And like their families support them lmao and theres one person i could talk to but he doesnt seem to want to socialize much so i always feel awful thinking about hitting him up

and like i feel like my friends dont like me and i know thats not the case but also maybe it is!!! who fucking knows anymore!!!! i dont have time to talk to them bc im so busy at work and then i get home and immediately have to do more work and by the time im free this week theyll be home for break so like!!! fuck i guess!!! i saw one of my friends who i havent been able to see all semester and she said shed hit me up today and she hasnt and i know its cause she and another friend have to study and theyve been busy but in my mind its still “she fucking hates u!!! doesnt matter that she was so excited to see u and would definitely have no qualms in telling u to fuck off she hates u!!!”

2) no one listens to me lol like people listen to me when i rant, which is really helpful and i really appreciate and love that they do that bc emotional labor, but like in groups? i talk and people interrupt or dont hear what i say or disregard it and im like k. OR THEY THINK IM FUCKING JOKING LIKE THIS LEGIT IS SUCH A PROBLEM AND IVE HAD IT HAPPEN WITH SEVERAL PPL AND IDK WHAT TO DO. Like i physically say “im really not joking dont do that” AND THEY STILL THINK IM JOKING

and whenever i talk to people and they give me advice or just listen they do at least one thing. They either mention medicine, which again, valid, but i dont want to go back on medicine right now. But then they fucking push that shit and demand reasons why i dont want to like fuck u i dont have to explain shit to u i just dont want to. And/or it turns into me educating them and im just like great! i managed to do labor in this trying time! nice!

3) I cant talk to my therapist bc shell become concerned lol. i told her how i went to the labor looking for a book about the pros and cons of committing suicide and researched it and i had to talk for 10 minutes afterwards about the steps i was taking to help combat it but like i was legit scared to tell her in case she made me go into inpatient care lmao and this brings me to pt 4

4) theres like nothing here LMAOOOOOOO like no books at either library about stopping suicidal thoughts or helping depression or about family estrangement. I had to order books from different libraries to get something and theres a few that i got from the Libby app but like wtf lmao and theres no events during christmas and every volunteer thing? either i gotta fill out an application and do training which who knows how long thatll take or i need a car. Like there legit isnt anything here i did so much looking lmao like i have my hobbies but that wont make me leave the house

i talked to a professor about this shit too and he understands and stuff and told me to hit him up during break if i feel isolated but like I FEEL SO FUCKING GUILTY FOR EVEN BREATHING LMAO LIKE WHAT hes got shit to do too and i know he has research going on so like doubt it

5) im gonna die alone at this pt and i know thats mad dramatic and also probably false but im like so conflicted about everything i feel with my gender and dating

like every time i like a man im like wow if i was a girl, this wouldnt be a problem and like being cis has more privileges than being trans but i know last time i dated in the closet it wasnt a good time SO

and every time i like a girl, im like she prob wont see me as a man or will be disappointed in my body or transition

and like no matter who im interested in, the same thought is always “they prob dont see me as a man and will misgender me, even unintentionally” like i know people who dont even know my birth name and have known my pronouns as he/him AND THEY STILL GET IT WRONG LIKE WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO EVEN DO ANYMORE TATTOO IT ON MY FUCKING FOREHEAD 

theres a guy i currently like, whos so sweet like theres one incident that happened that i had me thinking damn.... hope hes into guys and single..... and like its kept me up thinking “oh man hes definitely str8 this fucking sucks if i was a girl i would probably have a shot” but like every time i toy with the idea of detransitioning (not in a serious way, but just like casually thinking of a scenario) my mind physically rejects it and is like “motherfucking do u wanna go back to THOSE shitty feelings??? really??? it was worse before!!” and i will definitely get over this crush, like im just lonely and its cuffing season, but it fucking sucks in the meantime like i feel like i cant date because im too nervous and scared to!!! im so scared they wont think im a man and i know thats not every person but like Jesus its enough that its a good possibility

6) this part is sad but i think i have to stop talking to my sister or at least give her limited info bc shes having her parents contact me through her and im not giving them shit so...

like she just texted asking when id be home and for the millionth time (BC NO ONE LISTENS TO ME) i said i wasnt going home, im never going home, stop asking and i know that its them asking her to ask me and they can honestly fuck themselves

like these are all problems that have solutions and i know the solutions but like im so tired of it lol im tired of having to deal with my family situation, im tired of being ignored and interrupted and not taken serious and having to explain my boundaries over and over and over again, im tired of not being able to talk to people for fear of getting hospitalized or interrupted or pushed onto meds, im tired of not having resources, im so tired of it all. Im so sick of being suicidal and not even being able to get out of bed and having to deal with being depressed and anxious and chronically ill fuck all of it

legitimately had to make a list of shit i could do over break so that i feel like i cant hurt myself until i finish it bc thats how my shit brain works. like i dont want to die but i also just dont want to deal with this anymore and i know itll get better in time but jesus fucking christ its been 8 damn years when does it actually get fully fucking good? its gotten better but more shit keeps coming up like yea i started hormones but now i dont have a fucking family anymore. 

Even if i didnt have this list i wouldnt do it bc 1) i dont want to do that to my closest friend and 2) im helping someone get out of an abusive situation. She has like no support, just one cousin whos there for her, but he doesnt have resources for her. Ive been listening to her and validating her and making sure she knows that a) this is the type of shit abusers do and b) shes not fucking crazy for thinking certain things!!! she really isnt and i get it so much so ive been gently giving her contacts from the beginning to help her and she finally left and is in a really delicate place. So like not exactly the best thing for me to suddenly be gone and id feel terrible if she had no one there for her

anyway this was a long post that can basically be summed up as i really want to fucking kill myself but i wont but also im suffering a lot

#post from the blogger

[edsbrak]

some Stozier hcs

bout to do some writing but wanted to warm up so here, my first round of Stozier hcs feat. dumb boys being dumb >:D (feel free to always send me stuff omg pls, im lonely) and I have to thank @stonedzier for legit getting me into this pairing I am in love

★ so, okay, it’s senior year for the losers club right

★ and it’s nearing prom time, and almost everyone is the group seems to be going with someone (bill and eddie; bev and ben; mike and a lovely boy named steven)

★ and basically everyone in the group KNOWS rich and stan wanna go with each other, it’s so fuckin obvious like?? smh

★  but these boys are stubborn, alright? richie hates talking about feelings, even more so with romantic ones (he’s scared of rejection okay?)

★  and it’s unexpected, but stan also closes up when it comes to admitting who he likes (he had a rough time coming out to his family as it was) and also is 98% sure richie could never like him back and that boy is such a damn flirt?? 

★ so cue stan fuming off to the side whenever they’re all together and richie starts going off about some hot babe he wants to plow (spoiler: there is no hot babe, not unless u count stan)

★ the rest of the losers are sick of being stuck between this weird sexually fuelled tension and just wish they’d both get their heads outta their asses but also dont want to pressure them into admitting it (its a tough life for them)

★ “so what, you wanna lose your virginity at prom? how cliche” snaps stan when richie wont shut up about the hotness of his supposed ‘date’

★ “please staniel, i lost that ages ago” says richie (no he didnt)

★ “whatever, trashmouth. id be forever surprised if she even agrees to it, considering your dick has been ‘all around the school’”

★ “fuck dude youre just jealous” richie grunts and looks away

★ and stan just?? breaks?? cause “yeah, you moron, youre right. I am jealous, congratulations. so fuck you and your date, i hope you two have a magical night” and he just storms away, hot tears prickling his eyes and mouth turning down with each step

★ and richies just watching him go, eyes impossibly wide behind his glasses, and the rest of the losers are just like “well shit”

★ richie cant bring himself to move, watching hopelessly as stan finally disappears, and theres an eerily silence that follows

★ eventually he turns to see all of his friends looking at him expectantly like “well, what are you gonna do?” and richie has no goddamn idea, still too shocked to believe that actually happened

★ days later, its finally prom

★ stan decided hes not going, and he hasnt spoken to richie since his confession at the barrens

★ it hurts too much to think about, but he cant help it when images of richie dancing with some bimbo babe flash in his mind, and stan turns over in bed and groans irritably at himself, trying desperately to ignore the weight of dread lodged in his stomach

★ and then theres a pebble thrown at his window

★ he almost ignores it, figuring its one of the losers trying to get him to come outside. but the pebbles dont stop and stan doesnt want the window to be damaged so he gets up to yell at whoever is there

★ of fucking course its richie

★ “what are you doing here trashmouth? want me to embarrass myself even more in front of you? i dont have time for this--”

★ “stan, please,” richie says, and gives him a small smile “can you come outside? it wont take long”

★ stan stares long and hard, before closing the window and pacing around his room. he closes his eyes and figures, nothing else he could do could make things worse, so he makes his way down the stairs and cautiously opens the front door

★ his friends are all there, and stan looks aroud in suprise

★ eddie and bev release several party poppers, covering stan and his front porch (stan wants to clean it up immediately)

★ ben is holding up a boombox and playing some cheesy shit stan doesnt recognise

★ and then richie appears from around the corner and looks incredibly nervous, and stan didnt even notice before that hes wearing a very stylish blue suit - almost like the one he wore to stans bar mitzvah 

★ “richie...?” stan almost whispers

★ “h-hey...” richie clears his throat and pulls anxiously at his bow tie. he looks unbelievably gorgeous. “um... this is... me trying to win you over”

★ and then stan sees bill and mike hoist up a banner that has the words ‘wanna fuck shit up with me?’ written in red

★ “...what?” stan asks, confused

★ “richie see i knew that was dumb” says eddie as he gestures to the banner

★ “ugh, just,” richie sighs, shaking his head before laughing “basically, stanley uris... will you go to prom with me?”

★ and stan feels his insides turn hot and nerves creep along his skin. was this actually happening? surely not

★ he must have freaked out for ages because richies face has gone pale as he bites his lip in wait

★ “oh my god...” stan finally breathes “i am the hot babe”

★  and theres a pause, everyone blinking at each other, until richie starts to laugh hysterically and then everyone is definitely going “????”

★ “god, yes,” richie exhales, looking so fucking happy “youve always been my babe, babe”

★ and stan flushes so hard at how casual richie is acting, but doesnt want it to stop, ever?? and then richie is stepping closer and they both reach for each other and hold on so tightly and stans heart is beating so fast oh my god

★ richie kisses lightly along stans neck and whispers “its always been you”

★ and stan wants to cry, holy shit

★ richie turns back to their friends as says “thanks for your help guys, i got it from here”

★ and the losers all grin and roll their eyes and say theyll see them tonight at prom

★ and then richie turns back to look at stan, and stan cant look away as his fingers grip even tighter on richies shoulders

★ “you never answered me,” richie says cheekily

★ “huh?” stan is still recovering

★ “you wanna fuck shit up with me, forever?” richie asks

★ and stan needs a moment to catch up, and then hes giggling and rubbing at his eyes, and he feels richie step even closer

★ “yes, i wanna fuck shit up with you” stan says, and richie beams “as long as we do it safely. i mean, id be happy to write out a list of things we could do that dont have too many risks, like, im not gonna steal for you or involve any authority figures because--”

★ and richie cuts him off swiftly with a kiss, and stan completely forgets what he was saying

★ “oh,” richie grins “this is gonna be fun”

★ they end up hacking the music at prom to play dirty as fuck songs and richie somehow releases a hoard of pigs onto the dance floor and its total chaos 

★ and stan has never been more in love

#stozier #richie tozier #stanley uris #holy shit that got long #agjsfds #headcanons #99

[theantiproduct]

I’m feeling overwhelmed as usual so I’m just gonna spill everything here not gonna lie I actually started doing this in the tags like I normally do but I reached the limit of tags pretty fast. Ha. Ive been feeling like shit for a week now I’m really slow and cold and weak and I honestly feel like my body is giving up on me. I feel compressed and tightness in my chest and I can’t fucking breathe. I started a new job about a month ago, and I hate it there. I don’t get the people and the customers are idiotic assholes who think they deserve a medal for allowing me to talk to them. I thought being behind a computer will keep me from getting annoyed but I hate it. I just feel like I’m wasting away. I know if I actually get some balls and get out there I could possibly get a job I like, I’m just terrified of putting myself out there and sending my portfolio and attaching things to my name. Im terrified of having responsibility in scared to fail at everything I ever wanted and I know I’m gonna have to work super fucking hard and I also know I don’t have that kind of energy. I just can’t think in that direction without freaking out and its making me miserable. Thing is every way I think, if that makes sense, I get super stuck. Feels like a huge wall completely surrounding me. Ive been pushing people away, been getting tired of the same conversation where I say I’m depressed and they say get your shit together and I’m like, sure. if someone asks me how I’m doing wtf do I say. I haven’t gone out in months, not on dates not to just the movies with friends or shopping or whatever. Ive done nothing exciting in years? Nothing to tell anyone anything about. Dont ask me to tell you something unless you wanna hear how fucking sick I am from just living this kind of life. And I know no one wants to hear that cause I see the same face on everyone and I’m sick of it. Don’t worry about me I’m not going anywhere, too much of a coward to do anything always been. So I’m lonely and my friends are fading and I don’t have the energy to do anything about anything. Which gets me to dating I guess though honestly haven’t been dating at all for a year I think. I tried over the summer but like I said I feel like a huge fucking loser and I have nothing to talk about if I even get to a point where I talk to a person. No one interests me anyway, not that anyone is interested but meh. Thinking about that time I was trying to pick between 3 dudes makes me laugh and want to scream cause I obviously made the wrong decision. I wanna have someone who already cares and won’t mind me crying, unlike my ex who one told me he’s sick of me crying all the time. I honestly feel like this entire decade is a fucking bad dream. I just want a light to turn on and be like something to hold onto. This feeling feels never-ending and its sucking me in and I can’t deal with everything but everything is so wrong and i don’t even know where to start. And I don’t want to. I just wanna be in bed cause I can’t deal and I’m avoiding everything cause it all sucks and I just I’m just stuck. I gotta start therapy again but with the new job it’ll be a nightmare since I’m already fucking tired and I ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Stuck. I’ve been really neglecting my self care and I want to be better so badly but idk im not getting it I guess. I just want something to make this whole thing worth it. I used to have that but now I’ve got nothing but myself and lets just say I’m not a big fan. I want something to wait for, something that’ll make my heart feel like glitter is exploding inside of it. I don’t think I’ve known happiness that wasn’t the result of love and a boy. Can other things make your heart do the thing? My heart has been mostly aching for years now and I’m so emo but idc. I know I’m not “ready” for a relationship. I don’t feel like I have the energy to give anything to anyone rn. But I want love and sex and intimacy and laughing and someone to hold and cook with and walk the dog and ugh I miss having someone to share shit with that actually wants to hear it. I just feel like that’ll never happen cause I’m getting old and I’m getting even more depressed and it looks even more pathetic the older I get. I just feel old and tired and empty. But also not empty cause this whole thing is running through my head 24/7 and I can’t get it to stop without drugs or sleep. Im gonna assume no one read this cause its a mess. Gonna go cry now, this was somewhat helpful I guess. Ugh.

#personal #this is long i'm sorry ignore me #totally have no Idea what I typed

[nyctimus]

Text symbols meme thing for Ivanpez and Talix and like lit anyone else you wanna do it for.

Set in MB:R verse!

IVANPEZ-

MORNING text.

8:03 am [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Hi handsome! Don’t forget you promised to meet me for brunch at that cute little bistro on main, okay?! Can’t wait to see your pretty face! 🥰

text that WASN’T SENT.

9:30 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] My mother has enough money to cover the slack for us if you just quit your job

RUSHED text.

4:45 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] I’m SOOO sooo sorry I’m running late :((( Got stuck in the goddamn metroplex traffic, swear to god I’ll move to the wilderness and abandon the city completely one day. I’ll be there soon! Promise!

DRUNK text.

3:09 am [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Move in with me wuit your job. I’ll quit mine. We can go somewhere nice like ...  3:12 am [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Whefe? Where you what to go 3:13 am [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Beach? We c an skinny dip every night 3:13 am [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Hou can buiold a nice beach hut an I will make nice curtains for it, okay?

SUGGESTIVE text.

2:57 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you insisted on wearing that skimpy little white tank to work in just to try and tempt me to tear it off of you. 

LATE NIGHT text.

1:15 am [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Come here. I want cuddles, and my bed is nicer than yours

HATEFUL text.

5:44 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Peter. 5:44 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] I don’t know what I’ve done to upset you, but I promise I’ll right it. 5:49 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] What do you mean? Of course I have, why else would you have worn those atrocious, eye- searing shirts every day for the past WEEK if not to punish me? 5:51 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] What? 5:51 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Don’t be ridiculous. Of course you’re punishing me. 5:52 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Still too angry to tell me what I’ve done, I see. Okay. I’ll try again later.

RANDOM text.

2:32 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Gold or indigo? I can’t decide.

SCARED text.

6:45 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Hey, I thought you’d be back by now? 7:02 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Pete? 7:13 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Peter??? Please pick up 7:26 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Baby please

LOVING text.

10:50 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Good night, sweet boy, I hope you have the very best dreams... I know you’re nervous about tomorrow, but you shouldn’t be... you’re perfect. 10:52 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] You’ve got this. Now get some rest... don’t make me come over there 10:52 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Fine, then. See you soon

CURIOUS text.

3:13 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] What are your favorite appetizers? Salty or sweet? Party hosting has become just a little more complicated since I started caring more about your opinion than my own. Feelings can be so pesky sometimes 😛

EXCITED text.

3:13 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Pete!  3:13 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Can you believe we’re leaving on our veeeery first vacation together as a couple together today? Even if it’s just a little two day getaway, I’m SO excited, I’ve been looking forward to this all week. 3:13 pm [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Can’t wait to have you all to myself. You may be sick of me by the time this is over. Fair warning!

ACCIDENTAL text.

1:19 am [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Oh, I don’t know. I think it’s entirely possible I’m just a way for him to pass a little time. And I’m fine with that. Obviously. Why wouldn’t I be?

HEARTBREAKING text.

1:19 am [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] Pete? 1:24 am [Kolya → Lyubimiy❤️] My mother just died. I.... I’m packing to head home to Paris now. Can you go with me?

/ / /

TALIX-

MORNING text.

5:25 am [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] I know you’re sleeping and won’t even see this for another 6 hours or so, but if you come give me a ride home I’ll smuggle you a whole loaf of that cinnamon coffee cake you like. Please

text that WASN’T SENT.

10:17 am [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] How do you do it? Live like that constantly? It was a ten minute experience two months ago but I’m still having nightmares

RUSHED text.

3:59 am [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] K, I know Ellis would probably throw the entire knife drawer at your face if you show back up here but there are SO many drunk assholes here right now it almost seems worth it to beg you to come save me

DRUNK text.

9:42 am [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] U just reality want you to hold me brighttnkw 9:42 am [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] Plea.Se. And pet my hair, Anne kiss my nose. Ok?

SUGGESTIVE text.

4:35 pm [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] I know this is fucked up, okay... 4:35 pm [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] And idk if it’s the full moon or what, but I can’t stop thinking about you with your gun when I’m getting off 4:35 pm [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] Your actual gun. Not your dick, love that one too but the one you... you know what I mean  4:35 pm [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] The way you hold it. Your fingers. Those fucking veins in your arms, Jesus Christ

LATE NIGHT text.

1:32 am [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] Are you okay? I know it’s silly to be afraid for you every single time the news mentions turf wars and casualties, but I worry about you. Text me when you can

HATEFUL text.

5:18 am [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] Swear to fuck next stuck up ass businessman that walks through these doors, orders coffee and then wrinkles his nose when he tastes it is getting the whole pot poured on his fancyboy suit. Why do people come here wanting Starbucks? I’m going to scream

RANDOM text.

7:30 pm [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] ...Pretty sure your kid is here staking me out right now. Not even subtle. Staring me down as I text this. Should I be concerned? Pretend I don’t know him? SOS

SCARED text.

4:06 pm [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] I think someone’s following me. I keep seeing the same car. At work, outside my apartment 4:07 pm [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] In the parking lot at Krogers. What should I do? 4:08 pm [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] I know if they see you it might make things worse but can you come get me? Please. I’m scared

LOVING text.

7:31 am [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] Hey, hot stuff. I’ll be dead to the world by the time you read this but I just wanted to tell you I hope you have a good day. Kick everyone’s ass. Don’t get arrested. 💖 xo

CURIOUS text.

9:22 pm [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] What do you have planned for Thanksgiving? My brother’s hounding me to bring you back to the farm. No pressure either way. He’s kind of a lot. I think he wants to shovel talk you, so... feel free to be busy, haha

EXCITED text.

5:48 pm [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] You know that cat I’ve been leaving canned tuna out for for like, the last month and a half? 5:48 pm [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] SHE CAME INSIDE 5:48 pm [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] And killed my favorite plant, but! SHE CAME INSIDE!!!

ACCIDENTAL text.

8:57 pm [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] I know you’re just worried about me, and I get that 8:57 pm [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] But you need to fuck off. It’s none of your business, man

HEARTBREAKING text.

6:22 am [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] I know I’m being an asshole doing this over text 6:22 am [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] But I’ve been trying for weeks to say it in person, and I just can’t. I look at you and it wipes everything else out of my brain 6:22 am [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] I don’t know how to commit to a guy with a kid. 6:22 am [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] And I know you warned me, first thing, and I know I’m being horribly selfish 6:22 am [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] I just. I guess I’m looking for something else. 6:22 am [Felix → Sweet Po-Tate-o 🍠] I’m sorry.

/ / /

DONNY/GRAHAM-

MORNING text.

7:37 am [Graham → bitchboy] it’s cold, jackass. if you’re gonna fucking leave me here to freeze by myself you could at least turn up the heat wtf 7:37 am [Graham → bitchboy] inconsiderate motherfucker

text that WASN’T SENT.

7:36 am [Graham → bitchboy] please come back, i dont sleep as well without you

RUSHED text.

6:44 pm [Graham → bitchboy] fucking setup? target expecting me so find your leak

DRUNK text & ACCIDENTAL text.

2:57 am [Graham → bitchboy] i wasfn EXPECTING him, tyler 2:57 am [Graham → bitchboy] i mean everypnoes heard of him. what an asshole he is. cause he is. but hes this asshole who owns a TEDDY BEAR 2:59 am [Graham → bitchboy] of course you won’t believe nme but im not lyin i swear it on my mams grave 3:02 am [Graham → bitchboy] and its not his sons. its his. its so cute. hes cyte. ill stab your duck if you tell anyone 3:03 am [Graham → bitchboy] duck 3:03 am [Graham → bitchboy] duck 3:03 am [Graham → bitchboy] y ouknow.  3:04 am [Graham → bitchboy] god. 3:04 am [Graham → bitchboy] its’ terinle

SUGGESTIVE text & EXCITED text.

11:52 pm [Graham → bitchboy] finally finished up here. 11:52 pm [Graham → bitchboy] eta 47 mins, have your office clear and my reward ready ;)

LATE NIGHT text.

12:02 am [Graham → bitchboy] sometimes i feel like you’re intentionally giving me the lamest possible fucking targets. wtf. i like killing bitches that will stab me back, not pushing pathetic ass grannies down the stairs while her 50 cats watch me? im picking my own files from here on out 12:03 am [Graham → bitchboy] and im bringing the cats 12:03 am [Graham → bitchboy] maybe youll think twice before pulling this shit on me again

HATEFUL text.

6:26 pm [Graham → bitchboy] you sign my paychecks. thats it. you dont get to tell me what to do outside of that. dont get it twisted just because were fucking, asshole

RANDOM text.

8:32 pm [Graham → bitchboy] idc what we do for dinner but i really want cheesecake so

CURIOUS text.

4:30 am [Graham → bitchboy] idk what you and dj usually do for holidays. should i head out? i can crash at my old room at tys, i dont mind

SCARED text & LOVING text & HEARTBREAKING text.

4:29 am [Graham → bitchboy] idk, got me good thus time. pulling over. behind sunoco on 35. dont wnna crash but you should send someone to gt rid of the folders if not my body too by rhen. too much evidence sorry 4:30 am [Graham → bitchboy] im really sorry 4:30 am [Graham → bitchboy] i love you. sorry for not telling you until now . sorry. im so sorry

#iheardarumorxxx #talix #ivanpez #donny & graham #graham is a man of few texts it seems #i was kinda lost with the excited one so just smushed it with the suggestive #bc thats abt as excited as hed get over texts

[dfwemelie]

May 2019

May 1st, nothing really that special happened today. We made icecream in Culinary and Carlos got really excited cause their were sugar cones. Izzy ate the most icecream out of all of us and hes lactose intolerant so he was hurting afterwards.

May 2nd, I was really stressed out this motning cause I havent finished my dress for the Fashion show tomorrow and it was raining and thundering. I had to stay after school for Fashion till 4 and I stayed with Scott after that until 5:30. I like staying after with him. We just makeout and talk and get paranoid about cars passing by. I think today we made out for 25 minutes straight which is a new record lol. He tops himself every fucking time and it’s so hot. Like holy shit because makeout sessions ever.

May 3rd, today was the fashion show and I was really stressed out at first but I ended up finishing my dress. The problem was that it was extremely short so I kept having to pull it down so you wouldnt be able to see my shorts under it. Seth and Aj were their watching their girlfriends and both of them took videos of me and sent it to Scotty. He said I looked beautiful. I met Kelly’s mom and sister and they seem really nice. I havent ate since Chickfila this morning and I’m starting to get really hungry/hangry. I might make me food but idk yet.

May 4th, Lots of pain occurred today. I woke up at 7:35 to get ready for the Nami Walk. Once my grandparents picked me up we got to Chickfila and headed to the Sam Houston State Park in Houston. The walk started around 9:30 and we finished at 11 only because my meme and Mrs.Pat walk so slow. It was fun overall but my feet were killing me and the back of my left leg was hurting alot and idk why. After the walk we headed to Galveston to meet up with my family. We stayed at the beach for an hour then went home. I ate a little bit and took a shower and now I’m here. I’m currently watching Thor Ragnarok cause it’s the only Marvel Avengers movie I havent seen.

May 5th, Cincooooo De Mayooooo. I didnt really do anything today besides sleep. I woke up at 3am for no reason then fell asleep. then woke up at 7 then fell back asleep at 1 till 5. I dont think I will br falling asleep early tonight cause I’ve slept so much. Scotty got to drink a margarita and I’m jealous. Also Ghala and Kaylie are so fucking cute and I stan them sooo much.

May 10th, damn. I told myself I would do this more often, bitch I havent done it in 5 days. Let’s talk about yesterday, May 9th. Scotty and I stayed afterschool (nothing new) and he was sitting down and I was ontop of him and we were making out. This BITCH flips me over to the ground, puts his hand down my pants, and…yeah…not actually touching me, just through my underwear. I was very ShOoK by this but I didnt stop him cause it felt really really fucking good. Like I’m not complaining.(I hate the word moaning so I use cake) Lots of cake was happening and he end up getting a boner. He has actually been getting them since we first started staying afterschool and I didnt know lol. I almost ended up having an orgasm but cars kept driving by and I told him if I see a car then he has to stop. I’ve never ever gotten this close with a guy. Not complaining. While cars were going by we kept telling weird sex related stories to eachother. He told me how when he was little his parents used the word dessert instead of condoms when he was around. Then his older brother told him what it meant and he was shook. On his 13th birthday his dad said he had a surprise birthday present in his drawer that didnt get opened at his party. He asked what it was and his dad said dessert. There were condoms in the bottom drawer of his dresser lol. Scotty also told me that he has personally bought different ones to use for future purposes. Now listen, I know its gonna be with me. I want our first times to be with eachother. That sounds strange but I love him and I want to lol but not now. Scotty wants me to go over to his house on his birthday to meet his parents. He also wants his birthday present from me to be us doing it. I said that’s not happening for a long ass time cause it’s too early and I’m not ready yet, even though I want him to be my first.

Different topic lol. Yesterday we got hit with some really bad weather and it fucked up my sleep schedule. I fell asleep at like 9pm then woke up at 11 then woke up at 2 then stayed awake till 4:30 then woke up at 5 then work up at 11. Like wtf??

May 12th, wow get ur shit together lol, do this more. Its official, I will be going over to Scott’s house if I get my gas laws homework packet done. My mom thinks I’m going over to Kaylies house, I hope she buys it. Im extremely nervous about meeting his parents, I’m hoping I’ll make a good first impression. Ive never met a boyfriends parents before so idk what to expect. I sent Kaylie a bunch videos about me deciding on what I’m gonna wear. I’ve decided on curled hair, light natural makeup, my blue ripped Jean’s, and either a red or blue shirt. I dont know how to act ugghhh.

Today I went over to my grandparents house and it was okay ig. My cousin Coleson came over and I was excited about that. He is my favorite cousin by far. I played basketball and ate food. I also drove from their house and back twice and I did pretty good. I wish I could talk to Scott but I dont want to interrupt his time with his mom cause it is Mothers day after all.

May 13th, I feel sick sksksks. like a vomit kind of sick and I feel like my limbs are weak and they are kinda shaking. It’s making me scared asf. I hope it will go away soon. I dont like feeling like this cause it gives me really bad anxiety and makes me have anxiety attacks. I’ve been getting alot of anxiety and panic attacks since sophmore year started

May 16th, Wow I really need to start doing this more often. Yesterday was Scott and I’s one month and he made a really cute video and I love it so much. I am still super nervous about Sunday, for alot of reasons. First I gotta meet his parents and idk how im gonna do that. I don’t know how to act or anything. Also Scott said its a shoes off house and I don’t want them seeing the cuts on my ankles. I’ll try to wear socks that cover them, I mean im gonna have to since i also wanna cover my 2 ankle tattoos. Also Scott says he wants to have sex. I don’t know if im ready for that yet. I’ve been thinking about it alot, mostly what would go wrong. Of course we would use condoms but they are only effective 98% of the time. I’m mainly worried about if I am gonna get pregnant or not. I can’t get pregnant. My life would be over. I’m saying this now, which is very contriversal, I would have an abortion. Yes its a human person who probably deserves to live but I just cant do that. I cant be pregnant. I don’t want to focus on all the bad stuff about sex, but the good stuff too. It supposedly has alot of health benefits. I don’t know how to do it though. Like I know how, but at the same time I don’t. Ya know? I also think we should wait to do it but in Scotts words, “I don’t plan on breaking up with you ever so we arent gonna get the opportunity to do it for a long time. So why not do it now when its gonna happen eventually.” I think im gonna do it. Talking about it makes me feel less nervous and weve been talking about it more and more since his birthday is in like 3 days. I want to talk to Kaylie about it but im scared she might say its too early. I know shes gonna support me in whatever I do, but I still want her opinion on it. I also nervous about Scott’s parents or siblings knocking on the door while we are in the middle of having sex. Scott always has his door locked which is good for the both of us. I know his older brother wouldnt bother us cause he’s like a cool brother and knows whats going on lol. I hope it doesnt happen but it might, just might be his mom checking up on us. I think im ready. Im nervous, but I want to do it with him. Im not being pressured into doing it by the way. He knows that if i dont want to do it, he won’t try, we would do what we normally do afterschool, but in his bed. 

I should probably talk about what has happened today instead of talking about sex lol. Nothing special really happened. Scott wanted me to go eat lunch with him and I said no. 1. I dont like school lunches, and 2. I don’t want to sit even remotely near Derek, and 3. I don’t eat lol. I kept telling him he should go eat and he said ok. I just layed down on a couch on my phone alone. Felt like old times, when I had no one to sit with so i just listened to emo bitch music. Good times, good times. 

May 17th, I had to take out my nose stud for pictures in Journalism and my piercing closed. At around 10pm I repeirced it with a thumbtack in the wall. I put a part of an earring in so it doesnt close overnight and now I have to sleep like that till I can go to the mall tmrw and get some more.

May 18th, I went to the mall and got some new piercings. I got a black star, blue ball, black hoop, purple gem, silver star, and a skull. I'm wearing the black hoop right now since it's my favorite. The skull makes me look emo lol. I'm really nervous about going to Scott's tmrw. Wish me luck

May 19th, Ok so I just got back from Scott's house. When my parents dropped me off they wanted one of them to walk to the door with me. I legit begged them not to. They wanted to make sure at least one parent was home so Scott's mom went out and waved. She also said she was Scott's mom but I dont think my parents thought anything of it since they didnt say anything to me yet about it. I met alot of people like his stepmom, stepdad, mom, all his siblings, some of his cousins, aunt and uncle, grandmas, and dog. His step dad was really funny and made alot of jokes. His step mom and I were talking a bunch about how cute JJ Watt and Tom Holland is and Harry Potter. We had pie and a bunch of us went up to his room and just messed around. His older brothers Damian and Ralph were messing with us and it was funny. My mom decided to be an asshole and picked me up 30 minutes early. I wish I could've stayed longer but Aunt Mandy and her boyfriend James are coming over to watch some wrestling thing. I'm glad I got to see Scott on his birthday. He seemed happy.

May 21st, I texted my mom yesterday about Scott, how we are dating, and how I lied and said I was at his house meeting his parents instead of going to Kaylies house. I thought I would be in really big trouble since I lied but apparently I wasnt. When I went downstairs to talk to them they were just happy i finally opened up and told them something about my personal life lol. They didn't ask that many questions about him which is a good thing cause i dont like questions, they make me feel uncomfortable. They know hes getting his license soon so my dad said we are gonna have to talk about people driving me around, other than Michael and his mom. I think it's just gonna be about not leaving the state and just staying close by to our house. At least I hope that's what it's only gonna be about. Knowing them, they are gonna put a bunch of restrictions. I'm pretty sure they would also want to meet Scotty before he drives me anywhere. They are 100% gonna make fun of him for driving a mini cooper lol, I already do. I'm actually really nervous about him meeting my parents, both sets. Ik I was nervous about meeting his but I think I'm more nervous about him meeting mine. I dont know how anyone is gonna react. Gavin is gonna be all weird and would want to talk alot lol. Gavin likes Scott, I really dont know why. Makes me nervous just thinking about it.

I took Scottys keys in Journalism today lol. It was cool just carrying them around. Made me feel like I actually had my own car even though there is a keychain with Scott's name on it. When he was walking me to class he took them back and I got offended. That's all that's happened so far lol.

May 23rd, I cried myself to sleep last night. Lol what a great way to start an entry. Basically I felt like I ruin everything I touch and somehow I was gonna ruin my relationship with Scott. He tried making me feel better but it didnt really work. Anyways, today has been kinda an off day. I dont know what it is about today, just not a good day. Haven’t been in the best mood since last night, but it’s fine..im fine. Everyone has their off days and I guess today is mine,  

May 24th, Yesterday Scotty was acting kinda weird so I typed him out a little paragraph to at least try to make him happy and all he sent back was "Love you too". I'll admit, it was a little bit frustrating spending all that time on that and getting a short response but its fine.

May 25th, I'm spending the night at Kelly's, well actually I already did. We went night swimming and it was fun. I woke up at 5am cause I was in so much pain and now I'm in even more. I just love bleeding internally and having cramps that make me feel like I'm gonna vomit. I tried looking for some aspirin or advil but I couldnt find any which is just so fucking great for me. Yeah anyways, I'm in alot of pain, feel like I'm go throw up, kill me to end my suffering

May 28th, wow yeah love procrastinating this lol. I had my Journalism and Child Development finals today so basically I did nothing at school. I accidentally stole Scotts key for the entire day and I was lowkey panicking cause I didn't know if I was gonna have the opportunity to give them back. I mainly played on my phone in Journalism. We judged the class Photo Safari and my group got 1st place in two of the categories and got 2nd overall. I was really surprised the portrait of me won cause I don’t think I look that great but apparently the yearbook staff thinks so. Thanks Avery :’) Our child development final was easy. We basically just had to write down about something interesting we learned and 3 jobs associated with child care. After that I got out a piece of paper wrote down everything I was thinking cause I cant actually say it or else I think people would hate me. But I basically wrote how I think Scott doesn't understand how I am feeling and my bipolar and depression and about an Instagram comment about something I really shouldn't be worrying about. Also I was writing on their how I am a stupid piece of shit who doesn’t deserve anything in her life cause she is just gonna fuck it up anyways just like she always does. I got done with that and the bell rang. I went to meet up with Scott and give him his keys then he walked with me for a little bit before he had to go talk to his teacher. Seeing him makes me happy, one of the few things that make me happy in this cruel world anymore. My dad called me and told me I had to get all of my work done tonight or else I would get my phone taken away all summer. I just don’t have the motivation to do this or anything for that matter. I’m gonna fucking fail anyways, might as well just deal with it. 

I don’t feel anything anymore. No pain. No happiness. I am simply just...here. Maybe that's why I do it. To feel something...anything. I don’t care if it gives me pain I just want to feel human again. 

Anyways. goodbye. Ig ill see ya in the next entry if im not already dead yet.

May 29th, today overall has been pretty good. I helped Cameron, Drew, Kaleb, Cassie, and others on the Geometry final. Which basically means I gave them all the answers. Cameron was 2 rows away from me so I texted them to him. I also took my Chemistry final today and I already know I failed that bitch. My parents are making me go to summer school for it which is no bueno. After the last bell rang I got to walk with Scott to the back doors. I don't want school to him. I'm gonna miss seeing him everyday. Tomorrow is the last day of school which means it's Izzys last day. I already know damn well I'm gonna fucking cry. I don't want him to leave but hes moving so their is nothing I can do about it. Tomorrow I'm gonna tell him how much of an amazing friend he has been and that everything will get better in the end. I dont want it to be tomorrow.

May 30th, Last day of school and just as I expected, I cried...alot. I didnt have a chance to say goodbye to Izzy like I wanted which made me very upset. I actually liked going to school, just not the learning. Seeing all my friends was the only thing I looked forward to. Now I have nothing. Once Scott gets his license we will be able to hang out but I want that to happen now, not in like a month. I said goodbye to Avery, Kaylie, Carlos, and all my teachers. I'm gonna miss it. But hey, I'm finally a junior. 2 more years then we can move to California. Maybe I'll start looking forward to that. I have to go to summer school and I'm really not excited about that, I know alot of people that are going which kinda makes me feel better ig.

[strawberryspeachy]

I was so scared he was gonna hurt me.

Why did he have a picture of another girl in his wallet after telling me that he hadnt had a girlfriend in a year. Why did he hum when i asked about it. Why did he take over a day constantly to respond. Why did he have an excuse as to why he couldnt talk on the phone everytime it wasnt planned. Why didnt he message me asking about me and barely even responded to my messages. Why didnt he seem to want to see me. Why was he able to go to a salan with pink eye but not see me or call me. Why did he saying crazy nice things the same night that he met me. Was he really sick. Did his phone rlly break. Was he really sleeping

I was paraoid and asked him if he was talking to another girl and if thats why he kept taking so long to respond and told him he gave me a yeast infection

I said mean things when he responded to a fake account instead of me

And again got confrontational when he cancelled the date that i had planned to use to see if he actually cared about me and if i could trust him

Writing is all shortly here i sound so stupid. Like. Why did i try to beleive him? Obviously he was rlly just cheating on me all along

But i have been blaming myself over and over. Wondering if i caused him to eventually cheat on me

That last time. The date he cancelled and i confronted him to break up. And he conned me out of money instead. I was mad and upset and confrontational. He said it was ok. He wouldnt let me go back to his house to cuddle or anything- but said if i paid for a hotel then he wouldnt be tired! I didnt. And the manga cafe he took me too ended up being more expensive than he said because they wanted a card made. And i was so stressed and upset. That i just got emotional and didnt rlly use words. He took us from the front desk and i asked if he had even just 5 dollars for it

And im supid. Im stupid im stupid im stupid.

We talked about our birthdays on the first date cause mine was soon. He said his bday passed recently. And he said he wanted to celebrate my bday with me. I suggested we celebrate his late too and asked what he wanted to do

He immediately told me as though wed been together for a long time already - that he wants something from an expensive brand he likes and that clothes bags or accessories from there would make him happy.

I thought it was a lot to ask of someone you just got together with but didnt comment and asked what his favorite food is. He told me he wanted to eat yakiniku (rlly expensive japanese bbq)

And when i said mean things and afterwards apologized and asked if he could forgive me. He said he would if I bought him an accessory.

And that day he just kept pushing to see how much money he could grt me to spend on him and made sure to spend as much as possible on food no matter where wed go

And i knew all along but yet just let this shit happen

The manga cafe

We went out and i was sulking. I expected him to actually start walking away. To threaten to leave me there... he didnt. Hed walked ahead but came back and took my hand.

The mood became good again with some affections

And why im writing this is.... i told him before the day that i wanted the date because as id told him several times - the lack of affetion he gave me made me feel bad and i wasnt shown that someone cares about me i cant beleive it. If i know it i can have faith and trust. But ive been hurt to often to blindly trust.... and it shouldnt be that fucking simple - i shouldnt be.

How many people in my life have actually looked at me get emptional. And just walked away. Legit left me. I dont mean after the fact. Like out somewhere. I do or say something someone doesnt quite like - they just leave me - i have to chase after.

And he didnt... (physically)

So despite the fact that his story was even mor suspicious

I enjoyed my day with him...and i rlly thought maybe he rlly cared...

Two days later i made myself a salad for lunch. Right as i took it out if my fridge it exploded out of the container and all over the floor

I had sprayed bug spray on that very spot a few days before.

I threw the salad back in the box and angerly cleaned - now late when i had been early to leave for work

And so i ate it at work - for the first time a bit worried about poisoning myself.

And i probably started having a panic attack but I attributed the dizzyness and heavy chest and shorg breathe to

Maybe. I ate the bug spray

Usually in a situation like this i think - good. I hope it kills me.

But i thought myself thinking no - i dont want to die - i hope i didnt poison myself. Im not ready - i wanna see where this all goes with my boyfriend

I actually hoped not to die over him.... for just that moment. I was happy for a moment