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clandestineobserver · 5 months

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First Blog wow

Holy shit this is my first post I guess. Thought to start a blog as a New Year's resolution. Might be fun, might not be, who knows. My style may change as I inevitably gain notoriety for being such a mysterious enigma, dishing out wisdom to internet strangers that feed on my every word, like a suckling infant on the teat of knowledge (my thoughts and opinions being the aforementioned teat).

I used to have a Tumblr account many moons ago, like when I was 12 or so. From my memory of my feed back in the day, it's weird to think that I was this close (*index finger and thumb and inch apart*) to becoming a goth edgy edge lord. Even weirder, and kind of regretful, that my type could in fact have been a big tiddy goth girl. But that's how life goes I guess, and thank fuck it has gone in the direction it has. Because how else would the epic Clandestine Observer blog have started. Word is in the street that this is _the_ best blog in all of the intranets. I didn't want to believe it at first, but I ran it by the CIA, and yeah, it checks out. So, you know it's not coming from me.

Anyway, enough of the insufferable chit chat, and quite frankly, poor attempt at banter (if you were entertained by this so far, I am sorry to say, your brain follicles have been expertly tricked and manipulated). I probably should get onto the serious topics: what this blog is going to be about and why.

I feel like I had a hell of a lot more introspection about life in my childhood. I hate to admit it, and it scares me to admit it quite frankly, but childhood me was a lot more wise than present day me, and generally had their shit together. That guy had their life on track, or at least had a vision. Present me? Meh not so much. I used to only write with fountain pens in my childhood. If I had written down a pathway, a sense of identity and personhood, and had given a detailed description of what I wanted to achieve in life, with this fountain pen as a child, it is as if somehow, without realising it, while growing up, I spilled water all over this document and now I am left with wet paper with splodges of ink and bleeding lines that vaguely resemble my sense of identity. I don't know, I feel like I know who I am but barely. Maybe it's due to growth though.

So I thought that if I started an introspective blog on what I'm thinking about every now and then, maybe discuss some interesting topics or something, I could get some of that back.

Now here is a list I have compiled on topics that interest me and therefore, all the cool and quirky things that I will talk about in such a way that makes me come across as a mysterious and aloof individual. I will now not be known as a person, I am a phenomenon. An effect. Scientists would be gagging (yes gagging) for a bit of knowledge on how this brain of mine works.

Anyway, here it is:

Introspection about life and life events

Short essays (or essay plans for when I am too lazy) about any topics that interest me, may that be a movie or show that I have recently watched or about deep philosophical ideas that would trigger you to reconsider you whole entire life

Books

Domestic politics, international relations and global events

Social issues that I am thinking about (probably will be about my single hood. Until I find a partner that is, after which point, I will refer to you, dear audience, as pathetic virgins

Physics and philosophy - my baes

And a whole lot more I am sure

So, ladies and gents, people and non-peoples, strap in for an exilleraing series of posts that will hopefully make it worth your while reading it. And hopefully make you coming back for more. Clandestinely of course, because it will be a guilty pleasure. You'll try to kick the habit, but before you even realise it, you'd want to read more posts, more blogs, more analysis on life. Your body will depend on it. Every quickly little quip is a tiny hit of dopamine that your brain will slurp on, giving you just enough of a kick to keep on going, but not quite enough to satiate your innate desire to read more. You'll be embarrassed to admit to your weakness of keeping up to date with this hilarious blog, keep it a hidden secret from your family and friends (but please don't, share or something idk).

Anyway, that's all. You'll hear from me soon hopefully, unless I've decided to take this post down because I couldn't bare the cringe of having it up. BYE

P.S. when the fuck did you have to label posts as mature on Tumblr? What the fuck, what has happened to this glorious bit of software. I faintly remember the whole SFW transition controversy of Tumblr but I thought that was nudity and shit. Is swearing for mature audiences now?

#blog #dear diary #introspection #blog intro #taylor swift

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pardonmystardust · 5 years

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40 42 56 62 65 67 70 71 78

Oh gosh. Okay.

40: Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?

You know what, we don’t talk about this. Lol yes. Most of them I’ve kept private, but I did share a poem once with this girl when I was a freshman in high school. It was sweet and well intentioned, but frankly creepy considering how little we knew each other at the time. We got to be pretty good friends throughout high school and were able to laugh about it but yeah, that one’s in my cringe compilation.

42: How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?

Why don’t you come and find out? But in all honesty, both of the people that I’ve been with in an in-person romantic relationship, we’d had conversations about comfort levels and boundaries ahead of time, and hand wandering wasn’t really part of what we had so I just… didn’t. If I knew my person was cool with it and we were in the mood though? I still think I’d want to play it out, enjoy the moment for what it is before escalating it.

56: State 8 facts about your body

1- the first tattoo I got was when I was 18. It’s a text piece on my chest in a scripted font that says “I want my life to be the greatest story. My very existence will be the greatest poem. Watch me burn. -C.E.” C.E. is Charlotte Eriksson, a writer that touched me deeply when I was at a pivotal point in my life, and whose music (released under her artist name The Glass Child) remains some of the most cherished sounds in my personhood.

2- Yes I’m going to cheat and take up two more facts just going through my tattoos. The next two are on my shoulders, and I got them in late January or early February of… 2018? I think? I know it was around my birthday. Anyway, they’re both images of the album artwork from two albums by an Icelandic post-rock band named Sigur Rós.

3- My 4th and favorite tattoo is on my left thigh. It’s a greyscale piece with lighter shaded tree trunks in the background, and darker, more detailed branches in the foreground, some of which come together to form the word hello. It’s also a nod to an artist that’s touched me; this one is an allusion to a song called Trees by Twenty One Pilots. I’ve seen 5 of their shows by now and they always end with this song, and it’s such an emotionally charged moment. The song itself means a lot of things to a lot of people, but it’s fundamentally about searching for something. For me, it’s about searching for recognition. It’s about the desire to reconnect with people in my life whom I’ve lost- to their death, to our ending badly, or to the simple passage of time leaving us acquaintances who struggle to get past the niceties to say something real- people who have known me in the past as one thing, and who I want to recognize some form of growth in me and to see me as something new. Look at me, I’ve changed, I’ve become something better. Can’t you see? I did this because of you.

4- I’ve an innie belly button

5- My fingernails are really strong and I’ve always had to cut them with the big sized trimmers meant for toenails.

6- It hasn’t happened in a while, but in the past I’ve had horrible problems with cramps and muscle spasms in my lower back that left me unable to stand.

7- I wish my hair grew faster

8- I’m not flexible at all- even when I was in shape for real, I’ve never been able to touch my toes.

62: What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?

This is where my answers get boring, because I just don’t have the experience to know. But just off the top of my head, I love the idea of exploring one another while we’re both blindfolded, and navigating our way around one another’s bodies by touch alone.

65: What is your favorite foreplay routine?

Does cuddling count? Like maybe we’re just spooning and then the little spoon notices… something? And just sort of starts to rub against it and just slowly. slowly escalating from there.

67: What is your idea of the perfect date?

Gosh, I’ve given this thought over the years and it seems like it’s always shifting. I think a really good movie or play has to be involved. I’m an emotional sucker and a childish idealist and if something can get me in that elevated headspace I’m going to be so much more prone to projecting big love onto the person there with me. But also, stargazing? Laying still long enough for our eyes to adjust to the darkness until we see more faint spots then we did at first. Making shitty analogies about how we want to be with one another long enough to learn more than others can see. Tell me what it inspires in you to gaze out into the inky depth above us, what you think is out there, what you think it means. While you’re talking I’ll nuzzle up close just to feel your voice reverberate through your chest and lull me into a deep sense of comfort. Let me fall asleep on you and don’t move. Uuhhhhhhhh yeah I’m gay lol.

70: What turns you on?

Attention to detail. Pay attention to me and show me that you’re paying attention to me. Learn what I want, fundamentally as a person, what motivates me in how I carry myself through this life, what I think I’m here for, and show me a microcosm of it in everything you do.

71: What was your kinkiest wet dream?

Oh gosh, I really don’t remember nearly enough of it. All I really remember is the taste and feeling of cold watermelon, with the juice running down my chin and chest, and I remember waking up and knowing I’d had a wet dream and trying to slip back into it without success.

78: What’s your dirtiest secret?

…you know what, after starting to type this out… I’ll message you lmao

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thisisasupergoodidea · 7 years

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alright, this took forever because i kept getting sidetracked, but here it is. the universe ive slowly been building up. it took so long to write. its so ridiculously lengthy. i almost want to apologize to you if you read it oh my god  the main story in this universe is project four, in which four people meet Death and tag along on its quest to convince a space wyrm not to eat the world. the death figure, kymoyef, evades capture for nearly 1000 years following the event that takes place in the four cities, observing people and steadily learning about the world as it stores energy for the big confrontation. as an energy being in the form of an object, kymoyef struggles with applying the concept of personhood to itself, but the four people who insert themselves into its business help it understand who it wants to be kymoyef’s companions love to ask questions and tell stories, one of which is an old folk tale about morality that they know as the four cities. in it, a godlike character asks kymoyef to visit four corrupt cities and raze them to the ground should their corruption be confirmed, so that the seeds of new civilization can be sown in their place. kymoyef goes to the first three places and, finding vanity, enmity, and apathy, destroys them without question. but upon reaching the fourth city and encountering suffering and hopelessness, kymoyef begins to question whether any of these people truly deserved erasure. it refuses to complete its task and instead goes into hiding to plot against the godlike character. kymoyef reveals that this tale is (generally) true  then i began fussing over details and ended up developing a plot within Sorrowstone, the city of suffering and hopelessness, where i show up close just how depressing it is through the perspective of a newcomer named rin. he joins the camp (which has no name historically since no one remembers it really existed) to escape his past and soon realizes that his stay would be permanent. the endless labor, the bleak and isolated environment, the meager food and supplies, the rampant depression of every other person in the camp - all of this combined prevented anyone from being of sound mind enough to leave. rin sees one death and promptly decides he has a duty to write down everything he observed, whether anyone would ever see it or not. that is the sorrowstone account  ok. back to the top. one of the four protagonists, caforleh, absolutely loves hearing stories and using them as inspiration for his own grand tales. i really wanted to feel justified in brainstorming for a completely separate project that had nothing to do with project four, so i clapped my hands together and declared that caforleh occasionally works on a piece of fiction that is my project inheritance, in which generation after generation of a particular lineage of siblings are all cursed to the same fate. in their lives, only and always two children will be born, quite often twins, and one will die by the actions of the other at some point. the most recent siblings are separated at a very young age after the murder of their mother, but years later one dies all too suddenly and the adults involved are sent into a panic trying to hide it from the other sibling. magic shit happens and basically you have the dead ones consciousness in the body of their sibling, not realizing theyre dead yet technically alive again, and the living ones consciousness is bound to a piece of paper in a wizard’s pocket. and everyone’s trying to run away from a cult faction that wants their leader back, but surprise, the living sibling was their leader. its a convoluted mess  in the background of this mess i found a nice little home for the magic pendant, a story that is literally just my 11th grade spanish project. a guy has a cool magic pendant. some magic dude steals it. the guy and his friend get a magic knife from a magic squirrel and kick magic dudes ass. so magical. i took that and pumped in extra details that made me happy, and now its officially enough of a story to be included  once more to the top. within the world of project four, one of the regions is plagued by a deep rift that scarred the land when scientist daiah’s experiment went horribly wrong. it swallowed several cities and poisoned the people and land around it. the survivors call that area daiah’s shame and send excommunicated criminals there to die as punishment. what they have yet to discover is that the rift is truthfully a tear upon their plane of existence, acting as an opening into an adjacent plane where pure energy resides. the land and people lost in the experiment fell into this other plane perfectly intact, but being that the two planes were never meant to interact in this way, were shortly infected with unknowable ailments. people slowly lost their sanity, their agency, anything that made them who they were. they either became husks or sought violence to distract themselves from their own pain. and the only freedom was to be killed, for time affected nothing in this plane. no one could grow old. the sky never moved. plants absorbed strange air and gnarled into bloated bastardizations  this is the reality that the protagonists of project dark souls ripoff fell into. wayrain had been traveling with a known criminal through daiah’s shame in the hopes of reaching a region beyond it, and his friend cadmor was secretly a member of law enforcement tasked with making sure the criminal died there. when this was revealed, the three fought and all of them stumbled into the rift to be spat out in the desolate climate of the lost region. i was heavily inspired by dark souls in creating all of this, so honestly just imagine the opening scene of whichever dark souls game and you’ve got the idea of it. wayrain and cadmor have to navigate this sickly area that theyve hardly even heard stories of while also dealing with dangerous people, feeling betrayed by one another, and creeping afflictions. much like rin and caforleh, wayrain takes to learning as much as he possibly can about the surroundings and compiling it all into journals. he travels ceaselessly and does his best to uncover every last mystery, from lost libraries to unmarked graves. cadmor battles his imitation morality as he eases into another role of leadership. the two will clash several times but ultimately reconcile before kymoyef shows up to assess the condition of the rift  and project fire girl is kinda out of place because it feels entirely standalone, but its actually the origin of most of this stuff, so im hoping i can find a way to squeeze it in somehow. its about a person who wakes up in a fire with no knowledge of how she got there and wanders around aimlessly dealing with the destructive repercussions of her mysterious fire powers, which she can barely control. i know. its sort of like frozen but with fire. but hey spoiler alert: she’s actually a wizard scientist (you can tell i really like my wizards and scientists) that, alongside her cousin, did awful experiments on people in the name of magic science, imbuing them with different forms of magic just to see what happens. and she gave herself fire powers because why the hell not. but the internal flame was so painful that the trauma of it elicited amnesia. she regains these memories in time by meeting the people plagued by the consequences of her actions. not knowing shes the one that did this to them, they work together with her and carry out a plan to expose the other wizard scientist. in the final confrontation, she admits that she regrets what shes done even if the academic community learned a lot from it, and allows herself to be imprisoned  yeah. like i said, project fire girl was the first narrative in this universe, which came from a dream where she was taken in by an old couple and their adopted daughter and awoke in a bed of bright petals, only to realize that she accidentally set the house on fire in her sleep, killing the whole family. the imagery was so vivid that it stuck with me. project four originated from one of my old minecraft worlds that i unfortunately deleted by mistake and then tried to rebuild. but i couldnt remember what the old build was called so i called it arenos, and that became the first region. once i decided that fire girl was gonna be set in some mountains and that those mountains bordered arenos, i was officially on my way to creating what is now this world. and then more detail happened and kymoyef happened and the concept of the four cities being parallels to the four regions in the world sounded neat but i got carried away and wanted to try to recreate the four cities in minecraft, and only did sorrowstone, so i started to think of what depressing shit went on in that place and wrote a little bit about it  the dark souls ripoff is, of course, a blatant ripoff of dark souls, but its also a combination of A) another neat dream i had that was just two people traveling on horseback through cold morning fog and being ambushed - one was killed and the other crawled to a nearby basement and hid for an eternity, until the landscape had entirely changed hundreds of years later - and B) a totally separate dream where two people were traveling on horseback through cold evening fog, trying to reach some uncertain destination after having to leave their entire lives behind because they were magic. i was like “i’ve just added two more regions to my world. what if this region has a big rift in it - oh, what if this person hid through the rift incident that sent them to an alternate plane - no wait, what if these other characters were traveling through the rift area and fell in?”  project inheritance was first called dark souls ripoff 2 because it deals with souls being portable and consumable and the two siblings have to deal with increasing insatiability for souls to keep themselves alive after having their consciousnesses ripped from their bodies. but this story was originally gonna be a text adventure game with like seven hundred endings (im exaggerating a little) testing your ability to forgive and manage your bloodlust. i know. its like a bootleg undertale. i cant have an original thought even if that thought happened two years before the popular thing happened  thats about it i guess. thats the beginners guide to my utterly incomplete creative endeavors. i have some other ideas that would be neat to pursue but they dont belong in this particular universe as of right now. i might find a way to make them fit. i might not

#i talk about life n stuff #i could talk about any of this FOREVER. or maybe an hour or two. each. i dont have that many ideas cemented yet tbh #the process of making word lasagna

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