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ordinaryschmuck · 2 days

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What I Thought About The Owl House Pilot

Huh. Never thought I’d get to do this again, but oh well.

Salutations, random people on the internet! I’m an Ordinary Schmuck! I write stories and reviews and draw comics and cartoons.

And, above all else, I LOVE talking about The Owl House. I have an entire masterpost dedicated to talking about every single episode of the show and I’m halfway through a six-part review discussing everything that I love about it (Part Four's coming when it’s done. Let’s say…late June. Early July at the latest). I figured that after I’d finished that whole deal, I wouldn’t have anything left to talk about when it came to this series. Then, out of nowhere, the show’s original pilot leaked online…Sort of. It’s just an animatic with the show’s original voice cast voicing MOST of the lines, but it’s very much the pilot episode. It’s just not a finished product and I won’t share a link because I don’t think it’s exactly…legal. BUT I will at least share my thoughts about it because, well…Look at my blog. The Owl House has become the BIG THING that I obsess over for a reason and I love that I got to see what’s basically an alternate version of the show that I love. What do I mean?

Well, a pilot is MUCH different from a first episode. Where the first episode is meant to sell the show to the audience, a pilot is meant to sell it to a STUDIO. It can happen at any point of the story or act as the show’s first episode. Just as long as it shows off the characters, concepts, and tone, a studio can look at it, greenlight it, and allow the show to continue, BUT with some extra notes. Sometimes, those notes can change the rest of the series where others can keep the pilot good enough to stay canon. Some best examples off the top of my head are the pilots for Regular Show and Rick and Morty. You can tell that not much changed from the pilots of those shows and what was initially pitched, but there are clear changes in tone, animation, and even personality. Skips sounds a little more illiterate and Benson being more informed of the consequences of something as simple as rock, paper, scissors in the Regular Show pilot and Rick is noticeably more reckless and unprepared for situations in the Rick and Morty pilot. Nothing is set in stone with a pilot episode, even the ones that are canon. For the case of The Owl House, it’s pilot is no exception. A lot of it is just the same as “A Lying Witch and A Warden” at least in terms of plot and themes, but there are so many changes that show off what the series COULD HAVE been instead of what it was. How different? Well, let’s go through it all.

But real quick, I’m not going to do the “Like/Dislike” format I’ve done for previous reviews. Instead, I’m going to look through this pilot, note the changes it has, and share my thoughts on them. There’s also going to be a few spoilers to what happens in this pilot, so if you haven’t checked it out then I suggest giving it a watch wherever you can find it. It really is interesting to get a peak into what’s basically an alternate version of my favorite show.

With that said, let’s get into it.

Some Things Stayed the Same: Like I said, it’s basically an altered version of “A Lying Witch and A Warden.” The plot is that Eda uses Luz to get King back his “crown of power,” with some bits and pieces carrying over. Certain jokes that must have been too funny to get rid of, specific lines of dialogue that hit just the right notes, and some aspects of the characters’ personalities being just the same, proving that they're already perfect the way they are. It’s the changes, however, that makes for something more interesting. For one…

There’s More of an Emphasis on Comedy: As much as I love The Owl House, I’ll always admit that humor isn't its strong suit. It CAN be funny, really funny. But the jokes don’t land as well as something as Gravity Falls or Amphibia. I can say that a part of that could be because Dana Terrace wanted a more serious show, and we definitely get a sense of how serious it could be later in the series. Here, in the pilot, it definitely seems like there was more of an attempt to make the show comedic. King’s crown isn’t in a warden’s cell held within a magical barrier that only a human can get through. It’s in a Principal’s high school, locked in a human locker that Eda and King treat as something devious. Amity’s friends aren’t preppy mean girls who seem like they could cause conflict to Luz and her friends. They’re characters used for jokes who are amazed by Luz standing up to Lilith. There’s less of an edge and more of a lean towards cutesy fun, waiting until the very end to reveal something heavy. To me, it makes the pilot feel MORE like a Gravity Falls clone than the final product. Because while Gravity Falls has its serious moments, it makes it clear that it was a comedy first, both in the pilot and final product. Any moment of heart or drama was overshadowed by one hilarious joke after the other. Now, “A Lying Witch and A Warden” had a lot of jokes too, but there were also these moments that hinted at something more. You have the oppressive looking prison, the grand beam of light hiding human collectibles, a crazy chase from a threatening looking warden. And yes, the reveal that Warden Wrath was trying to go out with Eda was hilarious, but a warden who tortures a prisoner for speaking her truth gives a hint of how dark this world can be. Meanwhile, a principal sending a student to demon detention feels more like a joke, exaggerating how strict some principals can be.

And keep in mind, I’m not complaining about the pilot leaning more towards comedy. I actually laughed a lot more with it than I did with “A Lying Witch and A Warden.” I’m just trying to explain how the tone is definitely going for something different than the full series. It might have that darker twist in the end, but even that is nothing more than a surprise. I'll get into why later, but while it has darker implications, it doesn't detract from the fun times to be had. Not by much. From what I can gather from the pilot, it’s definitely going for a series with goofy, fun adventures with a bit of heart to it. It’s just missing that personal touch that’s in The Owl House. One good example of how?

There’s Not Even a MENTION of Camila: Before you say anything, this has nothing to do with me being Camila’s number one fan, to the point where I almost made a side-blog dedicated to her (I really should get on that, though…)

I bring up this change because Camila grounds the story in “A Lying Witch and A Warden.” She draws Luz close to reality and is the first thing that comes to Luz’s mind when in real danger, saying, “If I die, my mom will kill me!” More than that, though, Camila is the one real connection Luz has to the human realm. She has no friends nor adventures, but Luz always has Camila, with even the first episode hinting that. So when Luz starts getting herself into trouble or choosing to lie and stay in the Boiling Isles, it lets the audience get ready for the inevitable drama that could unfold when Luz finally tells Camila everything. By removing Camila, though, the anticipation of Luz telling her mom goes away with her. At least, it tells ME that there’s less of a worry about Luz basically running away from home. Either this version of the show is holding off from that for a future episode or that Luz and Camila’s relationship isn’t close enough where it matters. This is speculation, of course, but I still stand by that a sense of something personal with Luz is lost for the sake of having fun and epic fantasy adventures with entertaining characters. It’s still good and entertaining, and the pilot does offer something else that’s personal, but it’s not the same as The Owl House we all fell in love with. Though, it’s notable that our main cast stayed the same.

Luz, Eda, and King: Overall, I’d say that these three, personality wise, didn’t change much. King’s probably the least altered, being the exact same character he was in Season One aside from MAYBE having a design change (It’s hard to tell through storyboards). As for Luz and Eda, they’re more or less the same. There’s a BIG change with Eda (That I’ll get to later), but her devil-may-care attitude is very much the same, as well as her snark and soft nature towards Luz and King. It’s her magic that gets the real boost, being able to do more like teleport across the Isles and turn into a…softer version of the Owl Beast at will. It’s pretty cool to see the power that this alternate Owl Lady has. And then there’s Luz, who’s still the lovable weirdo we all know. Though, this version seems a lot more dim and I’m not really a fan. How does she mistakenly give a book report in geometry class? How did it take seeing Amity’s witch ears to realize that she belonged in the demon realm? Luz had her dumb moments in the show too, but not to this extent. There was still a sense of maturity and cognitive understanding that made Luz feel like someone that seemed weird but intelligent enough to think herself out of a situation. This Luz seems more weird and focused on using brute force on a problem. In a way, it makes Pilot!Luz more of an…emotionally driven Star Butterfly. A fun and capable character, but not the same kind I had made several posts and reviews talking about how much I love/personally connected to her. But, comparatively, I guess it IS the most minor change that could be done to this character. Now let’s move onto BIGGER changes.

The Boiling Isles: The look and feel of the Isles remains the same, but the fact that it’s more connected to the Human Realm is intriguing. From what I can tell, the Demon Realm treats traveling to the Human Realm like it’s going to a new country. You visit, make some memories, and, for some, send your children over to be a foreign exchange student of sorts. Except that racism seems to be encouraged in this regard as the demons and witches don’t see humans worth breathing the same air as them. And some think it’s more than okay to hunt down and kill if one human trespasses into their realm. And the reason for THAT is implied to be Belos’ doing. Er, I mean–*Checks the leaked pitch bible*--Emperor Pupa? Uh…I’ll just stick with Belos.

And that’s extra fascinating to me because Belos being a witch hunter was a major twist that spoke VOLUMES of the kind of people he represents. To find out that this version is more anti-human makes me curious of what kind of angle the show would have taken. Would Belos have been your bare-bones fantasy villain or would the writers find a different way to tackle his symbolism? And is the reason why the Demon Realm is more open up to the Human Realm because he hopes witches and demons can report about their enemies for a possible invasion? There’s no way to know for sure because that version of the story will never come to be, but it’s interesting to think of all the things we COULD have gotten. The same goes for other characters.

Amity: To think, Amity was considered important enough to be included in the original pitch pilot alongside our main trio. It makes sense. Dana Terrace has gone on record in saying that Luz and Amity’s relationship was something she wanted from the get go, so it’s smart to establish it as quickly as possible. Though the route they take is definitely different. Instead of being enemies to lovers, Lumity, in the original pitch, went for the friends to lovers trope…kind of.

Luz, in this version, is someone so desperate for positive attention and respect that she latches onto the first person in school that was nice to her. Except that Amity was looking for some quiet and just so happened to look like she was supporting Luz when telling everyone to leave her alone. It was an act of kindness, but not one done in generosity. It still meant the world to Luz, though, making her go ALL IN with friendship. Only to be a little too forward and creeped Amity out to the point where she was polite enough to say “Thank you,” but you could see the desperation in her eyes to be anywhere but next to Luz. Yet Luz doesn’t see that. She’s still too focused that someone was actually nice to her that she blindly follows Amity into a new world just to return a weird looking passport. Because Amity’s Luz’s friend now and friends do nice things to each other. Only for Amity to accidentally reveal that she couldn’t care less for Luz and shatter her hopes and dreams in one fell swoop.

In a weird way, I’d say Luz and Amity are off on a better first impression here than in the original series. There’s no attempted dissections or witch’s duels. Just…Amity trying to be polite in Luz’s presence only to act like your typical mean girl when she THINKS Luz isn’t around. Tossing away the drawing is harsh for sure, but here’s the interesting thing: Amity didn’t know she was talking to Luz at that moment. She didn’t even get rid of the drawing until someone drew (haha) attention to it. If anything, it’s worth noting that Amity still kept the drawing on her. Almost like, despite being weirded out by Luz, Amity felt as though the drawing WAS cute and only got rid of it when she thought someone would question her for having it. Can’t have that Little Miss Perfect status shatter over something some human gave her.

Am I reaching as a Lumity shipper? Oh, most certainly yes. But we all know the inevitable conclusion between these two. We know where they’re headed. Dana has been pretty adamant about wanting it from the start and this pilot sets the groundwork well. Knowing where these two will end up, it’s easy to make connections and hypothesize what means what. Plus, look at the face of shock and amazement on Amity’s face when she sees Luz standing up to Lilith. That looks like a girl who’s…feeling things for this human weirdo. They’re not off to a ROARING start, but I can see how things could improve between Luz and Amity. And who knows, maybe this version of these two might end up dating sooner with how quickly they seem interested in each other. Again, am I reaching? Most definitely, but I went without any new Lumity content for over a year so LET ME REACH!

The point I’m trying to make is that this version of Amity definitely seems a lot more chill and polite at the start, even though it’s likely she still has issues of even being FRIENDS with a human. But not everyone starts off polite.

Lilith: Crazy to think that Lilith started out as…basically a one-off villain like Warden Wrath. At least, that’s what I gathered from the pilot. The pitch bible hints that there COULD be more to her, but at the same time she gets sent to a fire dimension and loses a hand. That’s one-off villain energy if I’ve ever seen it. But if she is meant to be something more, I would love to see what differences could come of her being the headmaster of Hexside instead of Bump and how she could either develop into someone better through Luz’s influence as a student or regress into someone worse as she makes Luz’s school life a living hell. Whatever could come from her, it was kind of fun seeing Lilith act as more of a threat with her…out of nowhere ability to turn into a bat monster. It’s a pretty cool design and I love that it was brought out due to Eda’s constant pestering, proving that Lilith is still the same insecure nut that I love. And it is pretty great that this pilot confirmed that Lilith really did dye her hair to look more serious. You CAN’T tell me that’s not why the Lilith we know ditched the curly red hair.

But that’s about it when it comes to changes towards characters and locations. Let’s talk about the potential differences in the ongoing story.

Luz Stays Trapped Instead of Choosing to Stay: I mean, technically she chose to stay by breaking that key for no reason, but that’s more of a consequence of not thinking things through. She didn’t NEED to break the key, Luz could have just as easily pulled it out. Instead, she kicked the dang thing, leaving herself trapped in this new world. And it’s here that I would like to once again point out how this makes Pilot!Luz different and what’s lost by not including Camila. The Luz WE know would have been more careful. She always felt like someone who fought smarter, not harder, even in that first episode. Luz didn’t fight Wrath head on, she rallied a prison riot that distracted him long enough for her to hit a firework ball into his mouth. She’s intelligent and resourceful, where this one…kind of is? It was smart to send Lilith to the fire dimension, but again, not a great plan to break the key. Plus, without Camila, this doesn’t feel like as big of a deal as it could have been. Camila was the first person in Luz’s mind as she destroyed the portal door in the Season One finale. In the pilot, with no Camila, it feels like a non-sacrifice or even that big of a deal. She’s stuck, sure, but Luz doesn’t really seem to care that much. She feels happy being with Eda and King and doesn’t seem to be in that big of a rush to get home. Plus, it’s not exactly complicated to get back. There was a whole line of portal doors in the beginning that Luz could potentially sneak through and there’s not yet an established cannon that makes it seem like getting a new key would be difficult or even complicated. Once more, it gives the impression that this version of The Owl House would be focused less on personal stakes and more like giving Luz that fantasy adventure she’s always been craving for. It would make for a fun show, but not the SAME show. However, it is worth noting that there could be some potential drama. Especially for one twist that was a JOLT to my system.

EDA WORKS FOR THE EMPEROR?!: WHAT?!

I’ll admit, I feel like the reason why this is so shocking is because of the Eda I know and the Emperor I learned to fear. I mean, Eda, the woman who would sooner eat her own fist before even CONSIDERING helping Belos, even before the witch hunter business, was originally meant to HELP him. Of all the changes that the series could have made, this was by far the biggest. Everything that I thought to be constant turned out to be a lie and I was NOT prepared for it!

But again, the reason why I got that big of a reaction is because it goes against everything I knew about Eda. If this was my first introduction to her, it’d be less of a shocking twist and more of a…hook. Like how Invincible’s first episode (Don’t watch if you’re a baby) ends with a character you THOUGHT you could trust doing this intensely dark thing. The rest of the season is leading you to figure out WHY this was done and how the other characters would react, making you want to see more as the show inevitably leads up to this big conclusion that changes everything you once knew. The same applies here, with the reveal making me wonder why Eda would do this, how long she’s been doing it, how it will affect her relationship with Luz, and whether or not it’d be an easy fix. And much like the ending of Invincible’s first episode (Seriously, NOT meant for babies), this hook makes me interested in wanting to see what comes next. Except I never will know because that came from a version of The Owl House that will never exist.

The pilot is interesting because it shows me what The Owl House COULD have been. I wouldn’t say that it’s better than what we got or even that it’s a better first impression than “A Lying Witch and A Warden.” It’s definitely FUNNIER, I’ll give it that, but it doesn’t make the original pitch better, it makes it different. Everything looks the same and sounds the same, but the overall feel of this pilot makes it something that would have had a different story, tone, and ideas on how to develop these characters. Would I have liked it? Absolutely. It seems like a fun time. But that doesn��t mean I like the show we got any less. This was more like…getting a peek into an alternate universe where a show I already love would have been vastly different. And after over a year without any new Owl House content aside from stuff that fans have made, this was a very pleasant surprise that leaves me excited for the NEW fan content that springs from all this.

But that’s enough talking about a show that could have been made. Time to get back to a series that came into existence and I still love so much. See you all then as you all milk this gift that the internet has given you.

#the owl house #luz noceda #camila noceda #eda clawthorne #king clawthorne #amity blight #lilith clawthorne #the owl house pilot #what i thought about #the owl house reviews

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internetskiff · 5 months

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This is a HALF LIFE 2 EPISODE 1 CITADEL REACTOR APPRECIATION POST !! Genuinely my favorite level out of the Half Life games I've played. I don't know why but I find it really satisfying slowly re-engaging the Core's containment field and watching it's behavior alter the more stable it becomes. I believe I've said it before in another post, but seeing how a lot of Combine machinery is biomechanical, I like to think that even the core is organic to some degree. It kind of looks like a cell nucleus, doesn't it? Hell, technically it performs similar functions - acting as the Citadel's "control center" (the moment this thing goes into Meltdown, the Citadel's massive thumpers stop functioning, causing Antlions to start infesting City 17. The Overwatch voice also goes totally bonkers until she is extracted through some unknown process in Ep. 2) and a "repository of information" (it plays a key role in feeding data to begin the formation of a Combine Super-portal) There's also this funny tidbit from the Half Life Alyx whiteboard.

I believe the green thing in the center of the third Citadel diagram is the Core? Which implies at some point it was fuckin out in the open for everyone to see. Imagine trying to sleep and then the massive roaring alien tower in the center of the city suddenly develops a miniature sun that blinds several city blocks and emits an unimaginable amount of radiation. Christ, reading into it this thing caused fuckin' citywide blackouts. Not that there's much use the average citizen could get out of electricity, I suppose, what with the main food source being combine-issued (and probably pre-cooked) rations and the internet as a whole being wiped from the face of the earth. Guess you'll miss one or two episodes of Doctor Breen's Propaganda Hour(tm). I wonder how people get any sleep at all with the Citadel around, actually. Do you think citizens would mail Dr. Breen complaints about the construction work being way too loud? Do you think he was drowning in noise complaints for years until they finally installed the last piece of exterior plating on the Citadel's outer shell. It's a possibility methinks ! The Combine are the noisiest possible neighbors you could have.

#hl #hl2 #hl alyx #half life #half life 2 #half life alyx #rambling #the citadel #the combine #universal union

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hchollym · 1 year

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Hi, I saw your recent post and from one Percy enjoyer to the other, I recommend:

A Study of Resonance by mymovingfingerwrites on ao3 (rated M) (warning for graphic depictions of violence)—— in which Percy travels back in time and tries to defeat the dark lord.

This story expands so much on the magical elements from the books, it’s amazing. And Percy is such a nerd for magic. Though, this Percy is very much morally gray and makes some questionable decisions, he is still compelling and makes you still root for him. He grows as a person over this 500k+ (!) word fanfic and is just so human, i weep.

I hope you enjoy this story as much as I do if you haven’t read it already. Anyways, what are your favorite Percy-Weasley centric fics overall?

In response to this post.

I'm sorry that this took me so long to respond to! 😓

I've had several people recommend that fic to me! I started reading it a while ago, but I stopped (because of things going on in my personal life), so I'll have to go back to it! 🙂

To preface this, I love AUs (especially more obscure ones); I just find them really fun and enjoyable. So be warned that a lot of my favorite Percy stories are not necessarily realistic or in-character!

Also, please make sure you look at the warnings/tags if you are going to read any of these stories!

I'm sure there's more, but some of my other favorites are:

Treat You by BoiJustLetMeBe (Percy & Charlie, Rated G) --- An adorable story where Charlie takes Percy on a fake date to show him how his future boyfriend should treat him.

At least he has great abs by Irisen (Percy x Oliver, Rated T) --- Muggle AU where Percy finds out from the internet that Oliver (a famous athlete) is his soulmate. It's got a lot of the text and social media format instead of a traditional story format, but it's pretty funny!

Sexetera, Ad infinitum by nqdonne (Percy x Everyone, Percy x Harry, Rated E) --- Percy gets stuck in a groundhog day situation and decides to spend his time sleeping with basically everyone. There's some plot and fluff at the end though.

tears like shooting stars by starsailing (Percy x Oliver, Rated T) --- A very sweet, mermaid Percy AU where Oliver meets Percy when he almost drowns in the Black Lake.

Put Your Arms Around Me (And I'm Home) by MoonytheMarauder1 (Percy x Oliver, Rated T) --- Muggle AU where Percy is blind, Oliver becomes his roommate, and there's some great interactions between Percy & the Weasleys.

A Journey Home by edelweissmar (Percy x Oliver, Rated T) --- A Post-canon story where Oliver became disabled in the final battle. The author's summary explains it well: "Or, in which Oliver performs illegal magic on his broom and Percy, instead of having him arrested, falls in love"

Price of Wisdom by james, MadPoetess (Percy x Multiple, Rated M) --- Percy works at a sex club, has to stand up to Lucius Malfoy to protect Ron, and has some awesome interactions with all the Weasleys.

A Matter of Perspective (Through the Veil) by flowergrown (Gen, Rated T) --- Percy can see ghosts. The story includes Regulus & Ariana, as well as Percy's friendships with Oliver, Marcus, and Penelope.

So Sane It's Driving Me Crazy by tryslora (Percy x Marcus, Rated E) --- Percy is spending Christmas Eve alone for the first time, but he runs into Marcus, which leads to some lovely interactions and steamy sex.

Thanks for the ask! 😊

#ask me #anon ask #percy weasley #fic recs #percy weasley defense squad #fanfics #percy x oliver #perciver #percy x marcus #flintley #AU #percy & charlie #percy & the weasleys #hp #my thoughts #my opinion

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shutterbug-12 · 1 year

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TAG GAME: EIGHT SHOWS TO GET TO KNOW ME

Tagged by @santabarbara-skies, aaayyyy! I hardly get tagged so yaaaaaay!

Also this is kind of hard, but I’ll try (and like Em, I’m adding explanations, sort-of-kind-of, but not fancy formatting because I’m lazy).

The West Wing. Still my all-time favorite. Is it idealistic? Sure. Is it preachy sometimes? Yeah. But does it make my bleeding liberal heart glow and hopeful? You bet. Do I want to hug a pillow whenever someone says, “A guy falls in a hole...” or “What’s next?” or “Babies come with hats.” or “He loves teams, I love him so much” or almost-anything-CJ-or-Sam-says? Almost always. So, yeah, it’ll always top my list.

Psych. Burton Guster, my beloved. I started this show for two reasons: Dule Hill was in it and I just finished the West Wing and needed to keep that connection going; and it a Sherlock Holmes adaptation-sort-of, and I am basically on board for almost anything that is loosely modeled on Holmes. But I stayed for, oh, god, all of it. The two idiots at the center of it all, for Shawn and Juliet, for Lassie, for the bond between Lassie and Juliet, for everything. It is just an absolute delight, come on, son, jerk chicken, Pluto, suck it, meeeeeee, incarcerated in a blueberry, TT Showbiz, MC ClapYoHandz, I would rather fill-in-the-blank, pineapples, Banana as in Bananarama, you know that’s right.

Friends. Another one that’s definitely dated and contains plenty of sexist, fatphobic, homophobic, and other problematic content. But I have a huge soft spot for this show and would still be one of my desert island shows, if not my #1 desert island show, because it makes me laugh every. single. time. It’s not my favorite show, but it’s the one that makes me feel the most, I don’t know...home? Like I’m going back to this place that isn’t perfect, but somewhere I grew up and so it means a lot to me. And a lot of it really is still funny and adorable and heartwarming, you know?

Ripper Street. Another one that has Sherlock Holmes vibes, but also includes my favorite handsome man, Matthew Macfadyen. Plus, period drama goodness, with an excellent cast overall, great acting, good writing, and a great ending that’s bittersweet but fitting and satisfying. The character arcs are just fabulous. There are lots of hats and vests. And dry dark humor. And moments that will break your heart to pieces. But others that will give you life. Probably one of the most underrated shows on this whole list, if not the most underrated. Plus the fandom is (still) lovely. Seriously one of the nicest, best fandoms I’ve ever been a part of.

House MD. The one that started it all for me, and by “it all” I mean my leap into internet fandom communities. So it’s quite special to me. I was one of the only House/Stacy fans on the planet, I think, but that’s how it goes. And more importantly: the friends I made because of this show! The fics I wrote! (Eden in particular, still one of my favorites I’ve ever written for any fandom.) The fics I read! Plus the show itself is my cup of tea, being yet another Sherlock Holmes-esque (Holmes--Homes--House) story on this list. Hugh Laurie just kills it every damn time (although, much like Macfadyen, I just...can’t get used to and actually really hate his American voice/accent, just no, please stop, please just speak in your normal voice, please). The only downside is that it doesn’t have a ton of rewatch value for me, but maybe one day I’ll get back to it again.

Black Sails. Another awesome period drama that was/is criminally underrated and under-watched. This. Show. Y’all. If you haven’t seen it, just see it. It’s got everything. The characters, so deliciously flawed but sympathetic and layered! Jack my favorite sassy ratboi captain. Flint, everyone’s favorite murder husband. Tits! Fruit! Oh, the production value is gorgeous, the ladies are badass, and it’s just a romp. Watch it.

The Marvelous Mrs Maisel. Heeeey, another period piece, dramedy this time, though. And one of the more female-centric shows on my list. It’s hilarious, plain and simple. Jewish culture is everywhere in it, which I adore and appreciate. Tony Shalhoub as Abe Weissman and Alex Borstein as Susie Myerson are nothing short of brilliant in it. I love Lenny, but only because I love historical shows that weave in real people (I’m not a Lenny/Midge fan, sorry; I was rooting for Benjamin, even though I didn’t think it would pan out). I can’t wait to see how the series ends. I’ve loved every minute of it.

The Mindy Project. My guilty pleasure show, and I shouldn’t feel that guilty about it. A show about a successful doctor who struggles to find love and herself in the big city? Yes, please. It’s sweet. It’s absolutely hilarious. Mindy Kaling is so relatable sometimes it hurts (in a good way). I wish I had her entire wardrobe, it’s amazing. Even the supporting cast is adorable and endearing and you just want to hug all of them and tell them they’re doing great, sweeties. It’s a super-sweet pick-me-up show, just a joy.

And I tag...whoever. Here are a couple: @houseocats @olivelune @scienceoftheidiot @deelaundry @hondagirll

#the mindy project #ripper street #tmmm #the west wing #psych #house md #tv shows #my shows

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havocmadden · 5 months

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i can't say… 😶 i've of only seen bits and pieces of i didn't do it but i have a friend who binge-watched it last year and said season 2 completely changes the show's format for some reason? let me know if you ever watch it so i can get some encouragement too lol i love gravity falls though!! and it's so funny that you mentioned backstage because i have trauma from that show (/j?) but that's a story for another time i've never seen villains of valley view! all i know is a lot of people compare it to wowp, there's a little brother who's always turning into things, and a possible wlw best friends to lovers storyline 👀 what do you like about it? how well do you think it stands as its own show? do you have any favorite episodes? - gcwca secret santa

yeah i heard they got entirely new showrunners and writers for s2 of i didn't do it so it got? weird? but idk, i'd still like to watch it! esp bc i really liked piper curda in the other stuff i've seen her in !! i will absolutely let you know when i finally get around to watching it!

also that's crazy i swear i was one of two people on the internet who had watched backstage. i think part of the reason i got so invested was i was watching it all in 2017 when i wasn't dancing bc my dance studio shut down and my parents were like "well, you're going away to school next year so why should we find you somewhere new?" and i haven't rewatched it since then.

i really like villains! peter and i have been watching it together so we're a bit behind on s2 but i'm having a good time so far — i'm hoping that they stop turning colby into stuff bc like. it's annoying. but ik filming schedules and stuff etc etc. i think it stands on its own pretty well but i also haven't seen wizards in a long time. and like, granted, i do think it's pretty similar to wizards, but also it's disney channel and we all know they have ten plots. i think also hartley and amy's relationship is like, more gay than i remember harper and alex's being (i'd compare them more to stevie and alex? i think?) but. idk i'm having fun, which is my personal standard for "is [x media] good". and if i'm having fun it's good and if i'm not having fun it's bad. (ik this is not the end all be all of media etc etc etc i'm simplifying)

i think my fave episodes so far are the ones towards the beginning/end of the season that get really plot heavy? the filler episodes are fun too i just like stakes and drama lol

#gcwca secret santa

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ducktracy · 8 months

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really been getting a kick out of your looney tunes review blog. question: do you ever intend on reviewing shorts post-1969, like Blooper Bunny, or the 3D-shorts from 2010-12? What about LTC?

THIS IS INCREDIBLY SWEET OF YOU TO SAY!! THANK YOU!! it always makes me glad to hear people enjoy them or are actually taking the time to read them :’) i know it’s a lot to read, but i put a lot of time and love into them so to hear that they’re being read and enjoyed means the world to me!

THIS IS A GOOD QUESTION… when LTC was first coming out i was absolutely entertaining the idea of doing write-ups for those shorts. this was back in 2020 when there were only 10 episodes and not 944737726473838, and i was also managing to put out reviews every day (i had a lot of free time… and it’s funny how formatting your analyses specifically for Tumblr condenses them and how a 10 image limit comes into play with that, weird)

my reviews have gotten SOOOOOOOOO much more in depth since then, and i’ve also gotten much busier. i’ve accepted that this mission is going to take me years and years and years to accomplish—it’s already nearly been 4????—and while i want to keep a healthy pace (especially since the longevity of these cartoons being available on the internet, or a site like Blogger being up in 10 years is fickle..) i definitely don’t want to rush.

so i think for now i’m better off sticking to the main run of theatrical shorts and however many other side shorts by the same guys (like the Snafu shorts). i think it’s just easier for the scope of this project, and also because i can easily see me rushing to review the LTC or whatever else shorts i’d want to and then completely abandoning the others because, hey! i did all 1,000+ of the originals so WHO CARES WHAT HAPPENS NOW! and i’d feel a bit (a lot) remorseful about that HAHA

but i’m so glad and thankful for you for reaching out and expressing this! this is definitely my passion project and usually what i’m up to when i’m not working. i’m really gunning to get to 1942 by the end of the year—we’re steadily approaching (maybe already in, with some select examples?) my personal favorite era out of the entire 39 year lifespan of the studio and so i am REALLY excited… and i hope you are too!

#cartoonosaurusrex #asks

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pocketofpencils · 18 days

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Questions for Writers

10000 years late! thank you @calunalilly for tagging me

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

a very modest 19 lol

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

163,620

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Last Tango in Halifax

Happy Valley

Collateral

1 Vigil fic lol

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1: The Equation of Mass. : Caroline/Jane christmas fic. My first ever loooooooong one.

2: I Want You To See Me: Caroline/Gillian. Glasses are annoying, lets kiss about it.

3: Welcome Home: Vigil fic lol First ever thing I published on the internet.. Only 412 o words, thought people would hate it but I still get kudos and bookmarks on it 3 years later lol

4: Brunhilde and the Bastard in the Barn: Catherine/Jane Current WIP/Pain in the arse lol. Getting ready to wrap it up :')

5: Pain and the Passing of time: Caroline/Gillian. First LTIH fic, in first person *gag*. Makes me cringe, but also surprises me that I wrote that!

5. Do you respond to comments?

I try really hard to! My inbox overwhelms me sometimes haha! But I appreciate and read every comment I get! So thank you to the like 2 people who are probably reading this haha.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

It is yet to be written! But I do have a mildly angsty one in mind.. Not a not happy ending.. Just happyish lol

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Equation of Mass I guess. Most Fluffiest

8. Do you get hate on fics?

No! Thankfully. I only write there for fun. Any hate (that isn't warranted of course call me out if I fuck up) would probably make me stop posting haha.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yes.. Im a much better smut reader than writer I can tell you that lmao.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I mean at this point I think we have just accepted Jane into the Happy Valley landscape, so much so that its sometimes hard to remember she's plucked straight (or gay ;)) from another show. So I guess almost all of my works are crossovers haha

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

lol hands off my garbage

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Ive had to explain words to my American friends.. does that count?

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I just did my first colab with @calunalilly! I think were going for another..or 1000 <.< lol

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

All the pairings I write for are my faves. i also love Mirandy :')

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Lmao well anything Ive started I always have doubts I will complete. I am (very very slowly) writing my first book...and I have doubts but I am working through them!

16. What are your writing strengths?

I dont really know.. I think jokes? Funny is most important!

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

lol Grammar, formatting, imposter syndrome, actually writing lol. All things that I am working on. I also need to plan better to stop writing plot holes lmao. remembering fic is just for fun!

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

Do what you want bro lol

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Published: Vigil.. I also wrote some unpublished Killing Eve and Doctor Who fics that will never see the light of day as I wrote them by hand (lol) and lost the notebook I wrote them in. So I hope who ever found that notebook enjoyed them lmaoooo

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

ahhhhhh I dont know. I think Year of the Dog was the first one I wrote and was like: "Ok I can do this writing thing".

Everyone I would tag, has already done it so... :)

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soothingmelody · 9 months

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Video Essays, Jealousy, Melancholy and Lies

Have you ever found yourself living a lie?

This question has been stuck in my head ever since I started therapy earlier this year. And I don't mean it in some grand way of being a kind of double agent or stringing an elaborate web of lies to trick your childhood friend into playing sudoku to save your past self from burning down in an incinerator, but... Something much more mundane.

I guess I should start from the beginning, cause otherwise the title of this post won't make too much sense.

It is interesting how much we can experience through communication. Be it a Discord message, a Tumblr blog post like this, a tweet or a meticulously put together video essay, finding out about other people's experiences has been one of my favorite things throughout my life. I find people endlessly fascinating. I love it when people talk about their lives and their life experiences, so to me, the long winded, sort of pretentious format of the video essay is right up my alley.

So, this morning, while enjoying a bowl of instant-ramen with some haphazardly cut green onions and a creamy eggy broth, I was watching this one video essay that one of my good friends had recommended to me the night before. Said video essay was about the appeal of Elfen Leid and the video itself, I found quite entertaining and very interesting. But, it did leave me feeling a tinge melancholic and I realized that this is far from the only video essay that has had that sort of effect on me.

Growing up in Ukraine, a land ravaged by the collapse of the Soviet Union and the rise of uncontrolled capitalism, where you could easily find syringes behind a children's playground and your average neighborhood screamed "Half-Life 2 Level", I was a pretty quiet kid, despite my extremely extroverted nature. I do think a lot of these issues start here, which is why I wanted to mention this. I was bullied from a pretty young age, disregarded by people I found important to me and disregarded by people I called friends. To me, it was always a feeling of being not "cool enough". I wasn't into Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, I wasn't into Transformers, being "girly" for a "boy" such as myself was seen as disgusting, was met with slurs and even more bullying. And in this environment, I was just a quiet kid, with a big heart, who'd sit at the back of the class and draw his funny Sonic the Hedgehog comics.

All of this is to say that I grew up in a pretty cynical place, where cringe culture was way more commonplace and I could only find respite in the internet, mainly the russian Sonic forums of the era, where plenty of judgemental people remained still. That cynicism has really seeped through me and followed me through so much of my life. There were so many times when I would do something that felt natural to me, that didn’t hurt anyone and I would be shut down even by people I trusted the most and I would once again retreat into my own shell.

This constant environment led me to not really participate in many subcultures actively in fear of being seen as weird and cringy, this constant environment led me to not stand out to much, to not take opportunities that would’ve led me to a more interesting life and left me with barely any skills to express myself, besides music or art. It made me afraid of my own queerness that I had to come to terms with and understand for many many years, dealing with my own toxic masculinity, finding out that I was not really straight or that I am not even truly a “man”.

And now looking back, when I am more mature and have changed and grown so much, that I finally managed to open myself up somewhat and “be cringe and free”, honestly, there is a strong melancholy there. There’s a regret. I wish I’ve done so much over my teens that I sadly cannot turn back anymore. To please those people that were holding me back, I gave up so much. That I am having my self indulgent phase when I am in my early 20s and not my early 10s. And I am still a work in progress, I have no idea if I am still living some sort of lie, cause that is stuff you admit to yourself down the road and figure out with hindsight. But I am happier today. But, for how sad this all may sound, I wanted to tell you, the reader, that it is never really too late to change and open up a bit.

It is however interesting, that even with all of this said and this regret that I do bear, I consider that my experience was still rather valuable. I met many people, I developed in my own way and now I love who I am. Maybe that regret, a desire for a better teenage life is yet just another lie, me trying to conform. But, that will be for future me to decide in hindsight.

If you relate to anything I’ve said in this little self indulgent post, please remember, that no matter what, if you are not hurting anyone, you should be free to do whatever you want and nobody has the right to take that away from you. If they laugh, let them, you are the master of your own life, so go and be cringe. Go buy that anime figurine. Go write poetry. Go ask out someone you like. Do something that will make you happy today and maybe you won’t be stuck writing long Tumblr posts.

Stop living a lie. Be yourself.

#random thoughts #I felt like writing #sorry this is a really personal post

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kwiyoshi · 7 months

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彡✎ Unpacking Politics, One Meme at a Time

(Do memes (as it is popular in Malaysian politics) provide a useful way of understanding politics?)

Politics: the only arena where you'll find more plot twists, backstabbing, and unexpected surprises than a season finale of your favorite TV show.

We get it – politics can sometimes feel like a maze of jargon and complex issues. However, with the rise of meme culture and its integration into politics, could memes be used to further understand politics and its complexity? (probably).

Behind the Laughs

Before answering the main question, let me hit y'all with some nerd facts about how memes came about. A meme is a cultural informational unit that spreads by imitation. The term, which comes from the Greek word mimema (meaning "imitated"), was coined by a British biologist named Richard Dawkins in 1976 from his work titled "The Selfish Gene" (Rogers 2023). Memes come in a variety of format that ranges from videos to still images.

From LOL to Legislation

In today's day and age of the Internet, memes can be found on all sorts of social media platforms that we use on a daily basis. Whether it be viral videos or yet another funny cat or dog picture like the doge meme. Nowadays, there seems to be an ongoing trend of memes being used in politics. I'm not particularly sure how it is being used, but most of the memes I see about politics are just to poke fun at a specific person or political party.

Now for the million-dollar (or in this case ringgit) question, how did memes suddenly become a thing in the political world? The earliest instance of memes and politics I could find is from the year 2000 during a presidential debate in the United States about then-candidate George W. Bush where he mispronounced the word "internet" as "internets." Four years later, he made the same mistake during a debate with John Kerry when he said, "I hear here’s rumors on the, uh, internets that we’re going to have a draft". After the whole conundrum, the response from netizens was eventful. Thus, making Bush one of the first few political internet memes (Klein 2019).

It seems that after George W. Bush became a trending meme in politics in the United States, I guess you could say he sort of paved the way for birthing memes in politics as we know it today. As far as I know, there are a lot of memes about our politics here in Malaysia that I've come across and it gets pretty entertaining considering how our politics here are.

Meme-laysia

As someone that currently lives in Malaysia, I would say that there are a handful of memes that circulates throughout social media when it is nearing elections or when someone that is part of a political party (or one of our ministers) screws up yet again. The political scene here is quite eventful, to say the least, but that does not mean we cannot laugh about it.

One of the most popular political memes in Malaysia is during 2021 when our then Prime Minister of Malaysia, Muhyiddin Yassin suddenly resigned from his position after only being the Prime Minister for one-and-a-half years. As good of a plot twist as this is, Malaysians took to social media to express their confusion and reaction to this news (Lee 2021).

Here is one of the example:

Upon resigning as Prime Minister, Muhyiddin Yassin will assume the role of interim Prime Minister until a new leader, who commands the majority, is identified (Lee 2021).

Humor and Power

Phew. We're finally getting to the most anticipated part. Do memes provide a useful way of understanding politics? My answer to that is, definitely. Based on research conducted by Kasirye (2019), it is found that political memes do have an effect on providing information about politics.

The study also reveals that political parties employ memes to promote, oppose, and criticize various political issues among the populace. Since the majority of messages are created by political parties and actors to further their objectives, memes are spread through social media to reach the targeted political groups.

Due to memes having a visual nature and their ability to grab people's attention, memes are a good foundation to start understanding politics. Thus, memes are a great method for political engagement that appeals to people's cognitive and extrasensory faculties in order to interact with them and shape their opinions. Humor and sarcasm, on the other hand, are used as persuasive strategies in this awareness-raising technique (Kasirye 2019, p. 51).

Final Thoughts and Prayers

Overall, I do think that memes play a part in politics in terms of understanding what is going on or providing useful information. Memes are funny and people like memes due to the fact that they can be on different social media platforms, whether it be in video or picture format.

References

Kasirye, F 2019, 'THE EFFECTIVENESS OF POLITICAL MEMES AS A FORM OF POLITICAL PARTICIPATION AMONGST MILLENNIALS IN UGANDA', Journal of Education and Social Sciences, vol. 13, issue 1, pp. 50 - 51, viewed 8 October 2023, <https://www.jesoc.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/KC13_032.pdf>.

Klein, O 2019, The evolution of political internet memes, Kennedy School Review, viewed 8 October 2023, <https://ksr.hkspublications.org/2019/03/11/the-evolution-of-political-internet-memes/>.

Lee, J 2021, Confused Malaysians make sense of country's political crisis through memes, Mashable, viewed 8 October 2023, <https://sea.mashable.com/culture/17175/confused-malaysians-make-sense-of-countrys-political-crisis-through-memes>.

Rogers, K n.d., meme, Britannica, viewed 7 October 2023, <https://www.britannica.com/topic/meme>.

#mda20009 #week5

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timedontgiveashit · 6 months

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The best things on the internet in 2023

1-2 hour long podcasts with my favorite musicians answering actually interesting questions not just the boring basic ones and sometimes even going into deep or really funny conversations making me laugh with tears

high quality full concert live streams online for free.

This is my millenial ass appreciating how the video quality and the interview format changed for the better in the last 10-20 years.

#this is all i need as a fan seriously #nothing tops the parts unknown episode with both the dead weather and the kills in one house party though

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theritualofourexistence · 6 months

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MMXXIII

Story time.

The past few months have been quite a ride. As I process this particular chapter of my journey, I decided to share it with you as well. The format of this blog will be a little different than some and I encourage you to stop and listen to the songs I’ve included. Before we begin, I am safe, I am supported, and I am not seeking any sympathy—I simply believe in the power of story-telling.

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On June 26th I got to see a live concert. I am not a big live concert fan but for my favorite musicians, I will absolutely make exceptions. Counting Crows got me through the first year or two of Covid and getting to see them play a small-ish venue with my dad was a special thing. They sounded incredible, almost exactly like the recordings, and played pretty much all my favorite songs. If you know me, you know I cry easily. “Colorblind” has never been on my list of favorites but by the first chorus I had tears streaming down my cheeks.

“I am ready, I am ready, I am ready, I am fine.”

Symptoms

The day of the concert I noticed a weird sensation in my right foot. When I stood on the hardwood floor, I got the sensation that the floor was warm—but only under my right foot. I checked with my hands—no heat. I’ve had acute on chronic plantar fasciitis for years and that heel has given me consistent trouble. I assumed the heat sensation was some sort of swelling or plantar fascia related issue and went about my day.

On June 28th I went to see a rheumatologist for a thorough evaluation. I had been worked up previously and given the old “something is happening, but we’re not sure what” response. The exam went well; I talked about my daily pain and occasional inflammation. I liked the doctor. I was reassured that it’s unlikely that my symptoms indicate a significant rheumatological problem.

On June 29th I lay awake in my bed in the morning. The heat sensation I first noticed in my heel seems to be climbing my right leg. When I sit up and turn to get out of bed, something feels funny. Throughout the morning, it becomes clear that my left leg is a bit unsteady. I’ve experienced similar things before, typically with hip or back pain. I’m paying attention but I’m not worried. As the day wears on, however, things seem to be worsening. I stumbled going down the single stair into the garage, I develop an occasional twitch or spasm when sitting still or lying down, but only on the left side. While unfamiliar, these symptoms don’t prevent me from doing what I need to do that day. I will monitor it. I am not worried.

Over the course of the next week, my symptoms progress. I developed the bizarre heat sensation and pins and needles with occasional numbness on the entire right side of my body. When I sit on the toilet, it feels like the right half of the seat is heated. I have significant weakness on the left side of my body—navigating stairs is a challenge and I’m unable to lift my left arm above my chest. I’m walking with a pronounced limp. Due to the twitching and jumping on my left side, sleep does not come easily.

It's been a week, it’s time to see a doctor.

First Appointment

Though I wasn’t able to see my primary care doctor, I was able to get an urgent appointment on July 6th. This was the kind of appointment that you read about on the internet with a bad taste in your mouth. I didn’t feel particularly listened to and I wasn’t very happy with the outcome. This doctor ultimately ordered blood work and a brain MRI, but only after I specifically and stubbornly requested it. I later discovered that the order was placed incorrectly… correcting this mistake and getting approval from my insurance took a full month. In the meantime, my bloodwork was inconclusive, and my symptoms persisted.

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Symptoms 2

During the days following my July 6th appointment, I developed right-sided facial palsy.

I am worried.

I cannot raise my eyebrow, I cannot squint, I cannot smile. I no longer feel like me.

The numbness and tingling advance to the right side of my neck and head and I have an odd taste sensation and numbness on the right side of my tongue. The weakness on the left side continues to affect my mobility. I develop significant vertigo. I am battling constant, heavy fatigue.

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Second Appointment

On July 14th I see a second doctor, still not my primary care provider, for a follow-up. I explain the new symptoms and the unchanged symptoms. This was a better experience—I felt listened to, I felt like this provider believed me and responded with an appropriate level of concern. She ordered additional blood work (for Lyme, in particular) and prescribed a low-grade steroid to help with the physical symptoms as well as doxycycline to address any potential underlying infection. Results of the blood work were inconclusive, I am still waiting on my insurance to approve the brain MRI, my symptoms persist.

Symptoms 3

By July 20th, some of my symptoms have started to fade. The heat sensation and pins and needles on the right have improved. The weakness in my left leg has improved. I continue to struggle to use my left arm and I develop a burning and itching pain in my left shoulder, upper arm, and side of my neck. I’ve had two episodes of elevated heart rate that have occurred at the ends of long days after standing to take a shower. Both times, my heart rate hovered around 120-130 beats per minute for close to an hour before I could get it back into my usual range of 80-100. I continue to have persistent vertigo and fatigue. I continue to experience the facial palsy.

The only time I feel normal is when I’m driving my car.

By the end of July, the facial palsy starts to improve. Lingering symptoms include weakness in my left arm, burning pain in my left shoulder, headache, vertigo, and fatigue. A long day or a full day seems to have a significant impact on both the weakness and fatigue.

My first MRI is scheduled for August 10th. I get referrals to see a neurologist and the soonest appointments I can get both locally and elsewhere in Pennsylvania are for February of 2024.

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Results

The results of my brain MRI are not normal. They do not exactly provide much information either, however. Armed with my slightly-less-than-normal results, I begin the process of getting an appointment with a neurologist.

I am able to schedule an appointment with my primary care doctor for August 16th. After a lot of phone calls to local neurologists and a lot of phone calls to my doctor’s office for very specific referrals, I am able to schedule an appointment with a neurologist in a cancellation spot for September 7th.

Third Appointment

I have an involved medical history. I trust my primary care doctor with, literally, my life. Finally being able to connect with her, explain my symptoms, get validation, and hear her opinion is a huge relief and comfort. I am motivated to keep seeking answers.

Neurology

By the time my neurology appointment rolls around, I’ve gotten very accustomed to dealing with my lingering symptoms. I am able to work part-time. I’ve made necessary accommodations for the changes in my body.

The neurologist orders more blood work and two spinal MRIs. I schedule an EMG of all four limbs. We talk about possible causes. I begin to process a potentially life-changing diagnosis.

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Results 2

The results of my spinal MRIs are not normal. And, the surprise no one is ever planning or hoping for, they also reveal a significantly sized mass in my liver. My neurologist immediately orders an MRI of my abdomen, a referral to a gastroenterologist, and a lumbar puncture.

The MRI of my abdomen indicates that the mass in my liver is benign, and, blessedly, offers no additional surprises. The gastroenterologist schedules follow-up imaging in the spring to monitor any changes to the mass.

Final Chapter (for now)

On October 17th I had my lumbar puncture. I developed a spinal headache and spent October 20th in the ER before getting a blood patch which thankfully offered me some relief.

On October 31st I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.

(I cannot possibly express how genuinely glad I am that my neurology office did not miss the opportunity to deliver this news on Halloween—truly perfect timing)

Today, I have constant pins and needles in my entire left arm and hand. I have constant pain and weakness in my left shoulder. I have lingering fatigue, particularly following long and busy days. I have adapted, however, and I am not afraid.

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The past few months have not been easy, but I am, very genuinely, okay.

Over the last month or so I’ve been working on gratitude meditations and the feeling I have most right now is not fear or anger or sadness but thankfulness. This would’ve been impossible without the support of my friends and family. My mom has physically and emotionally carried me through the rounds of appointments and testing and results. I’m grateful for all the support I have gotten, I’m grateful for providers I trust. I’m grateful that I’ve had access to the necessary testing and treatment. I’m grateful that I’ve had 10 years of therapy to develop the tools I’ve relied upon to approach this experience in a rational and mentally healthy way. I’m grateful that my symptoms are no longer a mystery. I’m thankful that I’ve been diagnosed with a disease that is very well-researched. I’m thankful that my lingering symptoms feel manageable. I’m thankful that I can work, for a job I love, and for employers who are flexible, supportive, and understanding. I’m grateful for a partner who is patient and understanding, who offers me critical reassurance, who seems to be a sponge for all of my emotional reactivity and fear, who has offered me so much comfortable normal in the midst of so much chaos, who has not run away.

In early July, out of nowhere, Bastille’s “Pompeii” got stuck in my head. Over the next few weeks, I embraced it as a bit of a battle hymn. I’m not sure why this song fell into that role for me… it’s not particularly optimistic as far as music or lyrics are concerned but I used it that way anyway. I listened to it often, I cried through it, I used it to carry me forward.

At the beginning of October, I was given a remarkable gift. I hadn’t talked about the Bastille song with anyone, but most folks who know me well, know how much of an emotional connection I have to music. Without any prior knowledge or prompting, a dear friend sent me a *new* version of “Pompeii” recorded by the vocalist from Bastille and arranged by Hans Zimmer.

I don’t know what I expected when I first opened the link, but “Pompeii MMXXIII” far exceeded my grandest visions.

During one of the hardest chapters of my life, Hans Zimmer and Bastille gave me my battle hymn. This song somehow captures all of what I’ve felt as I navigated my symptoms, testing, and diagnosis. Zimmer turned a simple song into a triumphant promise, and I will never be able to express my gratitude that this song came into existence when it did.

If you haven’t listened to any of the others, please listen to this.

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The tone of this story is different from a lot of my posts because I struggle with including my normal self-deprecating humor when talking about something this serious. I want to be sure to say, though, that the past 5 months have included a lot of laughter and a lot of joy. And, moving forward, I can absolutely promise that my self-deprecating humor will be in full force as well.

All through July, despite my symptoms, I was able to do work I really enjoyed assisting with an event planning business. I loved the work, my coworkers, and bosses, and I’m hoping to do more of this work in future summers.

In August I got time with my parents in one of my favorite places. Even if it didn’t look the way it has in the past, I was still able to do most of the things I wanted to do. And I found joy.

In August I got a glorious, magical weekend with my friends and their babies. I got time in the sun and good food and laughter. I got to hold two of the most incredible creations I’ve ever seen. I got to be Aunt V. And I found joy.

In August I got a series of new tattoos for the first time in almost a year. I got one for a favorite musician, one for a favorite comfort film, and one for a new favorite film—offering a beautiful reminder to be present. Here, I found joy too.

This summer I fell in love with the show Steven Universe, watching it for the first time with my partner. The simple, heart-warming messages this show brought me helped me smile even when it felt impossible. We also watched all of What We Do in the Shadows… which brought me a very different kind of joy.

In September I started designing my calendar for 2024. I love calendars. The organization, the future-oriented thinking—I just love them. I always design my own wall calendars. In the past I’ve done my favorite films, Van Gogh paintings, photos of family and friends… and I always leave space to add quotes. For 2024, I designed digital art for each of my favorite tv shows. It’s cute and I love it and doing something creative for the first time since I developed symptoms was very hopeful. And joyful.

In September I returned to my primary job. I told my coworkers about what I was dealing with and I was reassured by their gentle support. I proved to myself that I can do my job and do it well despite the changes to my brain and body. I am learning my limits. I find joy listening to audiobooks and decompressing during my commute, in time with my coworkers, and in the job itself.

In September I navigated mom and I through a plumbing emergency. I was able to address the issue, get the necessary help, and facilitate a resolution in a timely manner at a busy time. My capacity to rise to this challenge and problem-solve under pressure brought me joy.

In September I baked. I reveled in returning to an activity I am still good at. Trusting my body to recall these skills and maintain the stamina needed to complete the task up to my own expectations brought me relief and joy.

In September I watched a lot of football in my comfy clothes on the couch with my cat and my mom. There is no place I’d rather be. Being present and basking in the comfort of these things brought me joy.

In October I got my hair cut and colored. Having a pop of something vivid helps me feel more like myself again. This brings me joy.

In October I did my Christmas shopping. Getting gifts for people is one of my favorite things to do. Though my budget is a little sad this year and my holiday season won’t look the way it has before, I am so grateful that I have had the opportunity to shop for the people I love most. I still have some shopping to do. This has and absolutely will continue to bring me joy.

In October I watched the leaves change. Autumn is my favorite season and while I could always use more crisp sunny days with a light breeze, I made sure to soak up every moment of that that I got this year. I put on cozy clothes and got out warm blankets and loved the colors and the smells of my favorite time of year. This brought me joy.

In October I purchased an entire wardrobe’s worth of micro-fleece lounge clothes with Grinch prints and patterns in preparation for my appropriately themed holiday season. It will be hard to measure the joy I find in having and wearing soft, fully matching Grinch outfits day after day when December rolls around.

In November I will get more football time, more friend time, more family time. I’ll get to celebrate Christmas early with a tree and decorations and good food and gift exchanges. I’ll get to start a new medication to help with pain management and fatigue. I’ll get to do more of a job I love and listen to more excellent audiobooks. I’ll get the gift of processing my new diagnosis surrounded by love and comfort and safety and security. I’ll get more date nights with more Steven Universe, though we only have the movie and epilogue series left. Then we’ll move on to Fionna and Cake, Big Mouth, and our annual rewatch of the Lord of the Rings Extended Editions—which I think may be particularly special for me this year.

In all of the months since I developed symptoms I’ve read books I’ve adored and listened to music that has kept my heart beating. I’ve spent golden, precious time with some of my favorite people. I’ve impressed myself with my capacity to be patient and present. I’ve found joy absolutely everywhere.

I have had really hard days and I have lived through a lot of fear—but as unfamiliar as my symptoms have been, fear… well, fear is familiar. And that’s something I’m grateful for too. I know there will still be things that make me afraid… new providers, new medications, new treatments, new symptoms… there will be new challenges and for as long as I’m alive, I expect “new” will be scary. But I’m also confident. I’m confident that I can face that fear. I will keep being present, I will keep relying on my support, I will keep basking in gratitude, and I will keep finding joy.

I have MS, but I’m still me. And I’m really grateful for that too.

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#multiple sclerosis #update #MS diagnosis #music #hope #mental health #Youtube

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