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alphaman99 · 8 months

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Heroin to Heroine

The Opened Narcan

As many of you know, I had to open my Narcan yesterday. A young man was found in a bathroom stall, alone and dying. He was completely slumped over, drooling, and he wasn’t breathing. By the grace of something higher (and a lot of stimulation) we brought this young man back from the brink of death. Thankfully, we happened to be in the right place at the right time. And because of that, this person is going to live another day.

The fact of the matter is that people are dropping like flies. This is an all-too-common occurrence in today’s world. We are losing dozens of people on a hourly basis because Fentanyl is wiping them out. This is the number one reason why de-stigmatizing this disease is vital. The people were losing are ALL loved by someone. They are not just “junkies” and “dope fiends”. They are sons. They are daughters. They are mothers and fathers. They are sisters, brothers, friends, spouses. And they are DYING.

Society has developed such a harsh perception of people living with addiction. We’re dealing with people that believe we should “let addicts die” because it was “their choice”. People that argue tooth and nail about the fact that “addiction is a choice” and believe that “if you stick a needle in your arm then you deserve it.” This delusional and dehumanizing perception is incredibly dangerous. It has spurred people forward into judgement and hatred. And ultimately, this stigma is killing people.

There are people out there that believe Narcan enables the addict to continue using more and without consequence. They’ve concluded that an addict doesn’t deserve to be revived based on the idea that “it condones their drug use” and that “they use more knowing they won’t die”. They say it’s a “waste”. These are the same people that believe we are nothing more than our addiction. And they are wrong. It is no one’s job to judge whether or not someone deserves to live. No matter what someone struggles with, their life still has value. The idea that Narcan drives addicts to use more is a myth. Studies have proven that the presence of Naloxone does not increase the quantity of drug use in people living with a substance use disorder.

Narcan is not made as a treatment for addiction. It is not there to take the place of inpatient or outpatient. And it is not a cure-all. But it IS a life saver. An addict cannot recover if they are dead- THAT is why we use it!! That is why it’s so vital to carry it on you! It’s not about whether or not someone is “worthy”. It’s about giving that person the OPPORTUNITY to recover!

People are losing their lives while others turn their heads in ignorance. Think about that young man’s mother. I’m sure she believes her son is worth saving. And that’s because he is! It’s unfortunate that I had to open my Narcan yesterday, but it’s also a blessing...

This young man now has the opportunity to get the help he needs. The help he deserves. An opportunity that would have disappeared had he lost his life.

PEOPLE CANNOT RECOVER IF THEY’RE DEAD!

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dragonsockz · 1 year

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I Wanna Get Better

Hiccstrid songfic drabble inspired by the song "I Wanna Get Better" by Bleachers.

I could see this being an Addict!Astrid x Paramedic!Hiccup, or Addict!Astrid x Alcoholic!Hiccup. I'm probably going to do a small drabble for both, just because they were both floating around in my brain.

Either way, Astrid is a young adult plagued by a crippling opioid addiction. She’s college age, maybe 21 or 22. She’s been out on the streets since she was a late teenager, maybe 18, because her parents kicked her out due her budding addiction. Astrid comes from a very rocky home life. Domestic abuse, divorced parents who still have to live together, under the poverty line, etc. She lives currently with Ruff and Tuff, who are her friends, but also her suppliers. They dabble in elicit substances, but they’re not as hooked at Astrid. They enable her.

Paramedic!Hiccup x Addict!Astrid

It starts with Astrid's first overdose.

Hiccup (Henry Haddock, 24, EMT-P), and his partner Justin Ingermann (23, FF/EMT-B), are dispatched priority 1 as Berk County Fire Rescue ALS unit 3 to a public address for a young female, suspected OD, agonal breathing, decreased responsiveness. They arrive on scene to find Astrid, 22-year-old college dropout-turned-junkie, overdosing after shooting up in the restroom of a local bar/club. Both first responders get to work.

The scene takes place mainly from Astrid’s point of view, consciousness slipping in and out, and snippets of what’s happening. She sees blurry images of Hiccup and Fishlegs treating her. She wills herself to respond but can’t manage anything other than groaning and gurgling. They wind up Narc-ing her twice. She hears Hiccup say, “…two, two, one…ratory arrest…intubate…” and then all goes black. She regains consciousness in the back of the ambulance, the sound of sirens pummeling her head, and the dome lights above her spearing her eyes. She absentmindedly thinks, 'That's not how you drive,' as she looks out the back doors of the box, seeing the road behind her. Her gaze shifts, and she sees Hiccup lean over her from the bench seat.

She can see him a bit more clearly this time. He’s stern as he mutters, “You’re lucky to be alive right now.” Her head lolls slightly to the side and catches on the edge of a C-collar. She blinks twice, then she’s out again.

After Astrid’s first overdose, nothing much changes. She gets discharged from the hospital back home to Ruff and Tuff with a hefty medical bill. She continues to work dead-end jobs and shoot up under the influence of Ruff and Tuff, who enable her by supplying. She gets nightmares about the night of her OD, and the words of that paramedic haunt her. It's the only thing she can remember clearly.

He’s right. She was lucky to be alive. Sometimes she wishes she was less lucky.

The next time she sees Hiccup, it just so happens to be in the supermarket. He’s not in uniform, but he’s still the same lanky, gangly dude. They’re standing near each other looking at opposite sides of an isle when Astrid glances at him in passing. She double takes. She stares at him. She knows him. She knows she knows him, but from where?

xXx

The words tumble from her before she could stop them, “How do I know you?” She’s inquisitive, not scrutinizing.

Hiccup stiffens, nearly dropping the bottle of ketchup he’s holding, and whips around to follow the voice. He’s just about to clarify, ‘Me?’ when his eyes drag up from to ground to meet the same face he was bent over two weeks ago in a shitty club restroom. He recognizes her instantly.

Priority 1, adult female, unknown age, suspected overdose, agonal respirations, decreased responsiveness. His eyes dart across her face. He traces her with his gaze: her eyes, the same ones that were sluggish with pin-point pupils. Her nose, the same one he shoved a Narcan atomizer into. Twice. Her mouth, the same one he intubated. Her, fall from standing height, AOx0, GCS 5, cold and diaphoretic, satting 87 on 15 liters, impending respiratory arrest.

She did arrest. He had to bag her with Fishlegs going 65 in a 45.

He can’t help the way his mouth gapes slightly. The woman he sees now is completely different, yet so scarily similar, to the girl he saw that night. Thick golden waves spill across her shoulders and whispy bangs frame her round face. She’s small—skinny—but most addicts are. A button nose sits smack in the middle of her young face, and nestled right above it are the most piercing, icy blue eyes Hiccup’s ever seen. She’s got this inquisitive, fake-pleasantry plastered across her face. Hiccup absentmindedly thinks he’d like to see her actual smile and not her public image smile. It's hard to believe she was on the cusp of death 13 days ago. He counted.

Astrid Hofferson. He remembers the name from her driver’s license. 22-year-old female. Birthdate 2000-04-18. She’s a lot prettier now that he’s not hunched around her, glazed over with the thick film of on-scene adrenaline and professionalism. She’s definitely a lot prettier now that she’s not actively dying. He feels heat rush to his cheeks, and he forces his eyes to stray away from her face. They land on her arms, as if to subconsciously check for tracks. She’s wearing a sweatshirt. He sees her shift uncomfortably under his gaze.

“You’re lucky to be alive right now.” He mumbles it before he can stop himself, words mostly inaudible, eyes careening back towards her face.

“What was that?” Astrid responds, pleasantry still dripping from her voice. A tight-lipped smile cuts her face. Her arms come to cradle themselves across her stomach, seemingly self-conscious under his scrutinization.

Hiccup’s mind snaps back to reality. He shakes his head slightly and darts his gaze bashfully between the beautiful woman—his patient—and the floor.

“Ah—“ His vocal cords run dry. He clears his throat, a fist over his mouth. “I—uh, said I don’t think so.” He nearly cringes at the words. Astrid tilts her head minutely, confusion washing over her.

“Huh—“

“That you know me.” He cuts her off, amending. “Sorry. I don’t think that you know me.” He hopes that she was unresponsive enough that night not to place him. That hope vanquishes the moment he sees realization flood her features. Her eyes widen and her jaw drops slightly. Fuck.

xXx

I have a whole lot more of this swimming in my brain, I just haven't gotten it on paper yet. I'll add more parts, eventually.

If y'all have any interest in some of the technical language Hiccup was using in this drabble, read below.

----

Priority 1: Lights and sirens.

AOx__ : Alert and Oriented score. Scale of 0-4 used to determine a PT's level of mental status. Who are you? Where are you? What's the date? Do you remember what happened to you? The number of questions answered correctly reflects as a number score. Anything less than 4 is considered AMS (altered mental status). The lower the number the more severe the AMS.

GCS (Glasgow Coma Scale): Scale of 0-15 used to determine a PT's level of consciousness/severity of AMS. GCS describes how badly the PT's consciousness is impaired based on 3 categories--verbal response, motor response, and eye involvement. The lower the score, the more severe the PT's condition. GCS is also used widely to determine transport priority from scene, and any interventions needing to be performed (Hiccup intubated Astrid, who had a GCS of 5). If you want to better understand/read up on GCS, a link is provided.

Narcan atomizer: Narcan, or Naloxone, is a rapid opioid reversal drug. Naloxone can be administered by IV, or subcutaneously, but is often administered intranasally through an atomizer.

Diaphoretic: Clammy/sweaty. Used as a term during initial assessment when describing skin signs.

'Satting at': Refers to Oxygen saturation in the blood. Astrid had a blood-oxygen saturation of 87% on 15 liters of oxygen per minute. Any blood-oxygen saturation less than 90% on high flow oxygen is cause to transport priority 1.

#httyd #httyd drabble #hiccstrid #how to train your dragon #httyd fandom #httyd fanfiction #drug cw #httyd songfic #songfic #drabble #angst #hiccup httyd #astrid httyd

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mypictures3504-blog · 5 years

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For all of the people who constantly say “let the addict die”, this is for you. As a result of Narcan, I was given another opportunity to live. As a result of Narcan, I get to be a father today. As a result of Narcan, I have been able to place thousands of people into treatment over the past couple of years. As a result of Narcan, I have been able to carry a message of freedom to countless people. As a result of Narcan, I am able to help restore my community. As a result of Narcan, I am able to be a loving son. As a result of Narcan, I am able to thrive! The only thing that Narcan enables is breathing. Since when did we become so desensitized as a society, that we think it’s ok to let any person die. Cast this out and show the world that Narcan saves lives, and the life that it saves might just be the person that helps your loved one find hope.

- Rich Walters

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joellbarham85 · 4 years

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Prescription Drug Abuse in Delray Beach Florida - Transformations Treatment Center

What Are Signs Of Drug Abuse

Table of Contents How To Prevent Drug Abuse In A Community Which Of The Following Is Drug Abuse? Bill Wants To Know How He Can Prevent Drug Abuse By His Adolescent Son. You Would Suggest That Bill How To Get Help For Drug Abuse What Is The Difference Between Drug Abuse And Drug Addiction How To Prevent Drug Abuse What Does Drug Abuse Mean What Is The Difference Between Drug Use And Drug Abuse

( like with some ADHD drugs) may cause heart failure or seizures. These dangers are increased when stimulants are blended with other medicines even OTC ones like cold medicines. Taking too much of a stimulant can result in a dangerously high body temperature or an irregular heartbeat. High dosages over a brief period may make someone aggressive or paranoid.

The dangers of prescription drug abuse can be made even worse if individuals take drugs in a manner they weren't intended to be used. Ritalin may appear safe due to the fact that it's prescribed even for youngsters with ADHD. But when an individual takes it either unnecessarily or in such a way it wasn't planned (such as snorting or injection), Ritalin toxicity can be major.

Individuals who abuse medications can become addicted as quickly as if they were taking street drugs. That's one reason most physicians won't restore a prescription unless they see the client they desire to analyze the client to make sure he or she isn't getting addicted. If a physician recommends a pain medication, stimulant, or CNS depressant, follow the instructions exactly.

How Does Drug Abuse Start

Your physician will want you to check out typically so she or he can see how well the medication is working for you and change the dosage or change the medication as required. Take down the results the drug has on your body and emotions, particularly in the first few days as your body gets used to it.

Keep any info your pharmacist offers you about any drugs or activities you must steer clear of while taking your prescription. Never increase or decrease the dosage of your medicine without consulting your physician's workplace initially. Lastly, never use another person's prescription. And do not permit anybody to utilize yours.

And if you're found providing medicine to somebody else, it's thought about a criminal activity and you might find yourself in court. Date reviewed: October 2018.

Why Is Drug Abuse A Problem

Prescription substance abuse is when you take a medication for a reason besides why the doctor recommended it. Experts approximate that more than 18 million individuals ages 12 and older have actually utilized prescription drugs for nonmedical reasons in the previous year. That's more than 6% of the U.S. population.

Many people begin by picking to take these medications. But gradually, the modifications in your brain impact your self-control and your ability to make great decisions. At the exact same time, you have intense prompts to take more drugs. The National Institute on Substance abuse states three classes of prescription drugs are often mistreated: Opioids.

This is partly due to the fact that of the increasing age of the U.S. population and due to the fact that more individuals are living with long-term pain. These medications handle discomfort well and can help boost your lifestyle when you follow your doctor's directions on taking them. It's possible but not common to end up being addicted to or based on opioids when you use them for a short time or under a doctor's close watch.

How To Prevent Drug Abuse Essay

Opioid overdose can also be lethal. If you take them with medications that work on your central nerve system-- including alcohol, barbiturates, or benzodiazepines such as alprazolam (Xanax), clonazepam (Klonopin), or diazepam (Valium)-- you have a greater possibility of breathing problems or death. Opioids can trigger a moderate cheerful sensation.

Injecting drugs raises your possibilities of getting illness like HIV and hepatitis C (what is the national institute on drug abuse). Central anxious system (CNS) depressants. Countless individuals in the U.S. use benzodiazepines (Ativan, Valium, Xanax) to treat anxiety and sleep disorders, consisting of insomnia. They affect a chemical in your brain called GABA (gamma-aminobutyric acid). GABA reduces brain activity, making you sleepy or calm.

Physicians use them for anesthesia and recommend them to deal with seizures. Taking CNS depressants for a couple of days or weeks may help you feel calm and drowsy. But after a while, you might need bigger doses to get the exact same feeling. Utilizing them with alcohol can trigger slow heartbeat, slow breathing, and death.

How To Do An Intervention For Drug Abuse

Stimulants. These drugs offer your body a jump-start, with a substantial boost in alertness, energy, and attention. They raise your heart rate, blood sugar level, and blood pressure. They likewise narrow your capillary and open your air passages. Physicians started utilizing stimulants to treat asthma and obesity. Today, they prescribe them for conditions such as ADHD, ADD, depression, and narcolepsy.

Stimulant abuse-- for instance, by taking them in greater dosages or by squashing tablets and snorting them-- can result in dependency. High doses can raise your body temperature. Misusing stimulants or utilizing them together with decongestants may trigger unequal heartbeat. Research shows that some features of you may make you most likely to abuse prescription drugs.

Someone who abuses opioids might have: Lightheadedness Slow or shallow breathing Distressed stomach, throwing up, or constipation Slurred speech Poor coordination Mood swings Depression or stress and anxiety Abuse of CNS depressants can trigger: Mood modifications Difficulty walking Difficulty concentrating Poor judgment Slow reflexes Slurred speech Memory issues Sluggish breathing Symptoms of stimulant abuse include: Weight loss and absence of hunger Lightheadedness Headache Insomnia Anxiousness Hypertension Uneven heart rate Paranoia Treatment for opioid dependency includes medications that can help people get control without a high possibility of dependency.

Why Is Drug Abuse A Social Problem

Physicians typically use it in addition to the drug naloxone (a combination that can be called Bunavail, Suboxone, or Zubsolv) to prevent relapse. If you've been taking buprenorphine in tablet kind and your body has actually gotten rid of all of the drug you were abusing, you might have another form of buprenorphine implanted under your skin.

It provides a continuous dosage of buprenorphine for 6 months. Buprenorphine likewise comes as a month-to-month shot called Sublocade. Other drug treatments for opiate withdrawal consist of methadone and the high blood pressure medication clonidine. Naltrexone obstructs the results of opiates and can avoid a regression. It can be taken orally (Revia) or as a month-to-month injection (Vivitrol).

It comes in a shot (Evzio) and a nasal spray (Narcan). Experts think that "medication-assisted treatment" with methadone, naltrexone, or suboxone and cognitive behavior modification is the very best treatment for the majority of patients who have an opioid addiction. Therapy is the most typical treatment for addiction to CNS depressants or stimulants.

Bill Wants To Know How He Can Prevent Drug Abuse By His Adolescent Son. You Would Suggest That Bill

The FDA uses these standards for safe prescription medication usage: Always follow the directions thoroughly. Do not raise or lower dosages without talking with your physician initially. Never stop taking a medication on your own. Do not crush or break pills, specifically if they're time-released. Make sure you know how a drug will affect your driving and other daily jobs.

Talk truthfully with your doctor about any personal or household history of substance abuse. Never ever enable other individuals to use your prescription medications, and do not take theirs. According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, you should never use opioids with CNS depressants, including: Alcohol Antihistamines Barbiturates Benzodiazepines Sleep medications General anesthetics Do not use CNS depressants with other things that dull your central anxious system, such as: Alcohol Prescription opioid discomfort medications Some over the counter cold and allergy medications Be cautious utilizing stimulants in addition to other substances that trigger your nerve system, including: Antidepressants, as monitored by a doctor Non-prescription decongestant medications Some asthma medications Prescription drug abuse can have unsafe or deadly effects, particularly if you take them together with the drugs listed above: Opioids may trigger vomiting, breathing issues, a coma, or death.

If you stop or slow your dosage too rapidly, you could have seizures - what is drug abuse definition. Stimulant abuse may lead to high body temperature, unequal heart beat, hostility, paranoia, heart failure, or seizures. Abuse makes you more most likely to become based on or addicted to a drug. You also have a higher opportunity of devoting a criminal activity, being the victim of a criminal activity, or having a mishap.

What Are The Causes Of Drug Abuse

Physicians report writing more prescriptions than ever previously. Also, it's simple to find online pharmacies offering these drugs. Teens may take medication from their parents' medication cabinets for themselves or their buddies to use. A lot of young people have no idea what medications they're taking and which ones might cause serious issues-- even death-- if used with other drugs or alcohol.

If you think a relative or friend is abusing prescription drugs, talk with your doctor. They can refer you to drug treatment programs that may assist. You can likewise call the Drug abuse and Mental Health Solutions Administration crisis line at 1-800-662-HELP (4357 ). Speak with the person about your concerns so they understand that you know the problem.

Transformations Treatment Center

14000 S Military Trail, Delray Beach, FL 33484

FV9H+MC Delray Beach, Florida

https://www.transformationstreatment.center

Prescription Drug Abuse Rehab in Delray Beach, FL

from https://transformationstreatment1.blogspot.com/2020/08/prescription-drug-abuse-in-delray-beach.html

from Transformations Treatment Center - Blog https://transformationstreatment.weebly.com/blog/prescription-drug-abuse-in-delray-beach-florida-transformations-treatment-center

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chronicallycouchbound · 5 months

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hi I had a question about your cannabis post

i don’t know much about cannabis so sorry if I misunderstand smth

but I don’t understand what “safe” drug use implies,, how can drugs be safe? what’s safe drug use??

i probably have a very narrow view on this topic, so id like to know more

on a different note id like to thank you for your content, I feel that ive learned a lot from this account :)) thanks!!!

(feel free to ignore this)

It’s important to first recognize that more things are drugs than we normally consider: alcohol, tobacco, nicotine, caffeine, cannabis, are all drugs just as much as opiates, benzos, etc. Any medication is a drug.

Any drugs have the ability to be used properly and safely as well as the potential to be used negatively or harmfully. Drugs are morally neutral. Even addiction is morally neutral.

Alcohol can be used to cut loose with friends on the weekend, but it can also be used to cause poisoning. Tobacco can be used to calm down after an argument, but it can also cause cancer. Opiates can be used to manage severe pain, and can also cause overdose.

People have always used drugs historically, and in order to survive, people often need them. Using substances can also not just be medically or recreational, there are spiritual and cultural reasons as well. Some people need substances to manage their emotional or mental needs (especially without supports otherwise).

Any drug can be safe. It’s all in how it’s used, as well as within context.

Safe use looks different for everyone, but personally, I try to encourage methods that are harm reduction focused.

Harm reduction can look like:

• Safe supply of substances to ensure that people are getting unlaced stuff.

• Education so people know how to avoid accidental consequences of their use.

• Access to unused syringes or works to prevent blood borne infections.

• Having a designated driver or trip sitter.

• Sitting with someone while they use in case they have negative effects.

• Access to naloxone/Narcan to reverse opioid overdoses.

• Starting with a lower dose and going slow with use to ensure you’re getting the intended effects.

And harm reduction is so much more than just about substances, it’s things like seatbelts in cars and condoms and STI testing. It’s the lesser of two evils and a primary focus of harm reduction is that it keeps people alive above all else.

Some people like to say “harm reduction keeps people alive long enough to get sober” but I personally feel like sobriety isn’t always the solution for everyone, nor is it accessible to everyone.

But yeah, safe use exists, and most drugs ARE used safely every day. That’s what a pharmacist’s whole job is for.

•

I appreciate this ask, I’m always happy to talk about harm reduction. I co-founded a local harm reduction organization and have done a lot of advocacy around this— everything from reversing ODs, speaking on panels, testifying for bills with the ACLU, training communities on how to administer Naloxone, distributing safe use supplies, etc. I have a lot of personal experience with addiction and feel very passionately about this. I was tired of my friends dying and I just want to make the world a safer place.

#chronically couchbound #asks #asks answered #answered asks #harm reduction is mutual aid #harm reduction saves lives #harm redux #harm reduction #safe use #safer use supplies #safer use #naloxone enables breathing #naloxone saves lives #narcan

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onit4you123 · 6 years

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The only thing that Naloxone/Narcan enables is breath, life. Stop the nonsense, quit with the bullshit, fuck that ignorance, it enables life, period.

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foursprouthappiness-blog · 6 years

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The Hope That You Might Not Be As Lost As You Think

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/happiness/the-hope-that-you-might-not-be-as-lost-as-you-think/

The Hope That You Might Not Be As Lost As You Think

Nathan Anderson

No matter how hard I tried not to, I couldn’t keep my brain from wandering there. I thought about his body lying stiff on the cold floor. I thought about the pallor of his face and the vomit pooled inside of his mouth, a puddle traced around his head and down the cracked linoleum. The needle sticking out of his arm and the balloon of black tar sitting on the counter between calloused toothpaste and dried mouthwash. I think about his fiancée’s reaction to finding him lying on the ground. I wondered how many times she knocked on the door. How silent it went on the other end before the fear washed over her.

I lit up another Newport and imagined how many attempts it took for her petite frame to bust open the door. Her facial expression when her horror was confirmed. In one version in my head, she falls to her knees in histrionics, pushing her ear against a nonexistent heartbeat, shaking him, slapping him, holding his cold hand onto her stomach and telling him to feel it kicking. Telling him he needs to be there for it. In the version that I prefer, she waddles over to the toilet and sits over his corpse. She cries sullenly, dissonantly shuffling between the reality of her firstborn being raised without a father, but relieved with her high school sweetheart finally being at peace with his demons. A drug addled life, finally being put rest. Her fiancé no longer in pain with himself.

Christian and Mikey had already went out in search of the dealer that had the fatal batch. They wanted it. They needed it. After telling me Daniel had OD’d a few hours earlier, they sat around the coffee table trying to figure out possible situations. Was it cut with fentanyl? Can black tar even be cut with fentanyl? You think he did his normal amount? Regardless, they needed to test it out. Every dealer they contacted denied selling him the bag. The grieving period must’ve been extremely brief. A few minutes into the conversation and you wouldn’t even be able to tell that this was a good friend of theirs that just died. They left out of the apartment in jubilance, the thought of surpassing that virgin high more important than anything else.

I laid on the sofa that Mikey was temporarily sleeping on in Christian’s East Hollywood apartment, fingering a cigarette burn hole while these reveries rewound themselves and alternated. I felt a sickness in the pit of my stomach. I shifted on the couch to try to alleviate the pain, but it adjusted.

In a few days Daniel’s fiancée would be strolling through a Target, looking for something she’d never thought she’d have to buy: something black and formal and able to accentuate her bump. I squirmed thinking about how long it’d take her to pick out a dress for her unborn’s father’s funeral. I wondered if she’d cry in the dressing room, her mother caressing her half naked body.

The last time I saw Daniel he promised he was turning over a new leaf. He had a kid on the way and couldn’t continue on the way he’d been doing since high school. He vowed to get clean for the umpteenth and final time, so they celebrated by shooting up together one last time. I watched as the heroin dissolved in the spoon, turning from a soulless black chunk into a beautiful brown amber. Everybody else around him had already shot up and nodded off. I stared as he syringed it up through the cotton filter and pulled down his pants and started fingering around his groin area. He joked and applauded me for never jumping into this lifestyle.

“Look at this,” he chuckles. “You know, when I started out back in the day, I was just like you. I told myself a million times I’d never transfer over to this shit like…”-he nods his head towards Christian whose head is nodded into his chest-“over there. I was popping pills religiously because I felt like my life wasn’t shit. That I was a burden to everybody around me. Whenever you feel like you hit rock bottom, just know, you can always dig a little deeper.”

He shook his head with regret.

“Don’t ever let this happen to you,” he said, looking sternly into my soul. “Every single junkie you see crawling around LA thought they were the exception to the rule. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. They quickly came to realize that there aren’t any rules to this game.”

He sighs and continues searching.

“We can’t all burn out like Anthony Kiedis. Most of us just end up burning.”

When he finally registers in a vein, I can see a slight joy take over him. He shoots it up and his eyes lower.

“The company you keep…” he said in pallid tone. “You’ll never be any better than them.”

I was the only person up with him. I was the last person to see him as he fell into that warmth. I feel like I was the last person to ever truly see him alive.

After that, he disappeared for the following two months. Kicking it cold turkey. He didn’t call any of the guys. He sent Christian a text message saying he was clean a week, and then another one saying he was clean two weeks. And then they stopped. Maybe they felt betrayed. Treated like they were the burden. Maybe I didn’t realize then that a rehabilitated junkie meant the end of a camaraderie. Maybe while I was carrying on with my life and Daniel was getting clean, Christian had already mourned. Maybe Daniel had died two months ago.

When they come back two hours later, they’re already floating. I ask if they got their batch and they giggle like schoolgirls and plop down around me. Mikey tosses me a small, zipped bag including a Narcan kit-medication to reverse opioid overdose-and shows me how to use it in case one, or both, of them starts going pale. They begin to set up their shot, small-talking each other about coagulation and clogging and Cephalics. In another life they probably could’ve been doctors.

Christian looks eager and excited. These are the only times he looks like he enjoys life. I was beginning to see my reflection in him. Maybe I subconsciously started hanging out with him because I felt relieved that there was somebody more fucked up than I was. That there was somebody who had excavated past rock bottom and still seemed to have enough energy left to keep digging. This is the same guy who taught me to pop Benadryl and drink white grapefruit juice to potentiate my pain pills. This is the same guy who convinced me that cold water extractions were for squares.

“You’ll never be any better than them,” I hear Daniel’s phantom say over and over again as they begin nodding off to whatever sphere he stopped breathing in.

My face falls into my palms and I begin to cry. I don’t know why I’m crying, but I know it isn’t for Daniel and I know it isn’t for his fiancée or their bastard child. I know it’s not for Christian and his enabling habits or Micky and his uneventful presence, both of them emotionally barren. I cried for me. For the first time in a long time, I’ve finally realized the person that I could become. The person I was becoming. I look at both of them again, their ability to feel any emotion dulled way past any regular human capacity.

I’m nothing like them, I say, as if to convince myself, ignoring how delicious delusions can be. If I can cry, I’m not completely lost.

#Happiness

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peloquinmackenzie · 7 years

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Drugs, Alcohol, and Depression by: Mackenzie Peloquin

I am writing this paper as an informative piece of writing. My goals is to open the eyes of my family members and friends. I’m Mackenzie Peloquin, I’m 15 years old, and I live in a house with a drug addict/alcoholic. I hope what I am about to tell you will help you understand the hardships my family and I go through every day while living with her. In this piece of writing their will be informative facts, my life experiences, and a letter to each of the people I feel necessary.

First of all, let's talk about what happened on June 15, 2017. Earlier in the day, I had put a batch of towels in the washer, and then switched them to the dryer because my best friend was sleeping over and we both needed towels to take a shower. My grandmother was sick, practically dying and I was already upset and devastated about that. But back to my story, it was around 7 or 8 pm and I had went down to the basement to retrieve my towels. I notice my towels aren't in the dryer ( i knew my mom hadn't done laundry all day) so I decided to go ask my aunt if she took my towels, seeing as she’s the only other person that does laundry. I walk into her room, I know something is wrong. Her drug addict friends are there, I know one of them who I absolutely despise and there's two people I had never seen before, one boy and one girl. My aunts eyes are glossed over. I figured she was just high on weed. I said okay whatever not a big deal but i'm just going to ask her to stop doing it while her son is nearby. I take her in the other room leaving my friend behind to watch my aunts friends. I start talking to her as calmly as possible even though I'm very upset. I start asking her “what are you on?” “why would you do this knowing your son is upstairs and he could come down at any time?”. She starts automatically getting defensive and saying “i'm not on anything be quiet” (to put it in nicer words). I automatically get so frustrated I start screaming. “Why would you do this?” “You’re not only hurting yourself, you're hurting all of us!” At this point, we’re screaming back and forth at each other. Her friends comes out and tries to get involved but I tell her to leave, she then proceeds to take herself and my aunt into my aunt's room and shut and lock the door. I’m so furious at this point that I continue to scream at the top of my lungs and start punching the door. I put a hole in the door, which was wrong of me but I at the time I couldn’t control my emotions. Eventually, my grandma, who is ill and has trouble walking because her knees buckle, hears the screaming and comes to the top of the basement stairs and says “hey what's all the screaming about?” I tell her whats going on and she tells me to forget about it and go back upstairs. She then falls and me and my friend rush up the stairs to pick her up but somehow, my aunt got in front of me. My aunt is trying to pick my grandma up and drops her halfway to the destination of her chair. I scream “let me and (my friend) pick her up! Go back downstairs!” She refuses and proceeds trying to hold her up. She finally gets her to her chair, and I go into the hallway screaming for my mother. My little sister opens the door and told me my mother and stepdad had left to go to the store. Next thing you know, my aunt and her friends snuck out the basement door and my aunt ran down the hill I live on. (My aunt doesn’t remember any of this). I scream “Don’t ever come back here, you don’t belong!” out my door. I then go to get in the shower. I get out of the shower and go to my room to change into my pajamas. I just finished changing and my best friend yells “MACKENZIE GET DOWN HERE NOW HURRY!” I run as fast as i can down the stairs and I turn towards the window where my best friend and little sister are looking through the blinds. I see the lights of a cop car or ambulance or something. I proceed to look out the window where I see my aunt lying in the road not breathing. Long story short, turns out she passed out because she overdosed on heroin. They hit her with two things of narcan and she still didn't awaken until after. It’s extremely shocking she's still alive.

The thing I remember most from that night, was my little cousin, he’s 8. He had and still has no idea what was going on that night. But he told me “I want those people arrested they hurt my mommy!”. He kept asking me and my sister and my best friend if he could look out the window and see the police and we told him no. He was upset but it was the best thing for him. I t was bad enough at the ages of 15 and 13, my best friend, my little sister, and I had to experience this traumatizing event, I would never want him to experience it.

Now on to the next paragraph, well I’d like this paragraph to be an informative one so here we go. According to NBC News, “Since 2000, the rate of deaths from drug overdoses has increased 137 percent, including a 200 percent increase in the rate of overdose deaths involving opioids (opioid pain relievers and heroin).” Also, so far in 2017, more than 64,000 americans died of a drug overdose. Sure, the population of the US may be huge compared to 64,000 but do you ever really think about how many people it has affected besides the 64,000 americans who died? Their family, their friends, co-workers, spouses, just imagine.

My aunt also has depression, anxiety, ptsd, etc. But that isn’t an excuse for any of this. I know times can get rough because I have all those things too but there’s other ways to cope with it. I just really hope one day this can all go away because it’s traumatizing. Nobody understands how I feel. I go through everyday, I wake up wishing I wasn’t here but push through another day, wake up and do it again. On top of that this whole situation is a trigger and increases my anxiety and depression because I’m always worrying about my cousin. I hope he never feels the way I do.

Now comes the letters.

Dear Aiden,

One day once you're older, you’ll see this and you’ll be upset. I hope you know my objective of this isn’t to make you upset but to generally open your eyes. I can’t feel what you’re feeling right now but I can only imagine what’s going on in that little 8 year old brain of yours. I know times are rough but I promise you we’ll get through it together. I’m always going to be here for you buddy. I can’t even begin to explain how much I care for you and wish you weren’t going through this. I wish I could change it. Everything from your dad not being in your life and your mom not giving any shits about anyone besides herself. I know you love her but one day you'll realize at this time, she’s the most toxic person in your life. I want you know that you don't deserve to be going through any of this and it’s not your fault. I know you’re hurting because of the things you say. I wish I could change it I really do buddy but I promise you one day I’ll be old enough to take care of you and I’ll never let you go. I love you so much never forget that.

Dear Grandma and Grandpa,

You guys say you’re trying but I just honestly don’t believe it. I honestly feel that you guys enable her by letting her sit in her room all day and night getting fucked up. You don’t take into consideration how much it hurting all of us. Grandma, you just keep pushing off the problem because you don’t want to come to the realization that it’s happening because she’s your daughter but one day after pushing it off for so many days, she’s going to kill herself with these drugs. I will feel no sympathy for her or you because you did nothing to stop it. Grandpa, you realize what’s happening but you just don’t feel like arguing because you hate causing problems. But again, one of these days she’s going to die from it and I will feel no sympathy.

Dear Mom,

I know you’re doing your best to try and help me get through this and to fix the problem but I just wish you had more power to just make it all go away. Thank you for being with me through all of it and staying positive, telling me everything's going ot be okay even when you know it’s not. I love you to the moon and back mom and I want you to know I truly do appreciate everything you do for me.

Dear Jesse,

I absolutely despise you for what you’re doing to this family. You’re tearing us all apart one by one. You make my life an absolute living hell and I wish you’d realize it. You need to realize whether you like to admit it or not, you need help. I don’t care what shit you try ot say about that night. You knew exactly what you were taking. You’ve fucked up my life and every one else's. You ever think you’re setting a bad example for your son, on top of the fact he shouldn’t have to grow up around any of this. You're making this poor kid suffer. His dad already isn’t in his life and at this point, I think he’d be better off if you weren’t either. I hope one day you realize how much of a fucking piece of scum you are for this shit.

In conclusion, please start making a change by influencing others to do the right thing. If you could just use the power you have to stop people from doing the things they do, it’d be greatly appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

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omgprudenciaworld-blog · 7 years

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call for a drug reform

It is an important time for addiction science. The opioid crisis continues to claim tens of thousands of American lives as well as contribute to the spread of infectious disease. And, after the election this past November, most Americans now live in a state where marijuana is legal either for adult recreational use or for therapeutic use, and the effects of this drug’s wider availability on public health demand scientific study. The need for better substance use disorder treatments, better diagnostic methods, and better prevention strategies has never been greater. The beginning of a new year gives us an opportunity to take stock of all we have recently accomplished toward meeting these scientific goals, as well as to set our sights on the challenges facing us ahead.

Given the unique vulnerability of the developing brain to substance use and its many life and health consequences, NIDA retains a strong focus on adolescence. 2016 brought the launch of the Adolescent Brain Cognitive Development (ABCD) study in partnership with the National Institute on oxycodone powder Abuse and Alcoholism, the National Cancer Institute, the National Institute of Mental Health, the National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke, the Office of Behavioral and Social Sciences Research, the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, and the National Institute on Minority Health and Health Disparities. This landmark, 10-year longitudinal study will explore how adolescent behaviors including substance use impact brain structure and function and is now recruiting participants at 21 research centers nationwide. 2016 also brought some good news about adolescent substance use: The annual Monitoring the Future survey showed declines in the use of nearly all substances across all grades. The only exception was marijuana, which declined in the younger grades but has held steady for several years among 12th graders despite increasing use among adults and diminishing perceptions of the drug’s harms by all age groups.

In 2016, NIDA achieved several milestones that will aid in the fight against the opioid overdose epidemic. In February, Nasal Narcan, an intranasal naloxone formulation that can immediately restore normal breathing in a person overdosing Amphetamine powder opioids or heroin and thus save their life, became available. This formulation was developed through a NIDA partnership with Lightlake Therapeutics, Inc. (a partner of Adapt Pharma Limited). And in May, the buprenorphine implant, Probuphine, for which NIDA funded early trials, was approved by the FDA. The implant provides sustained therapeutic levels of buprenorphine for 6 months, potentially improving treatment adherence and reducing the potential for diversion.

Also last year, NIDA-funded research at Yale School of Medicine revealed the benefits of starting opioid-addicted emergency department patients on buprenorphine immediately (as opposed to referring them to treatment). Initiating treatment in emergency departments during a moment of crisis increases treatment engagement, and could potentially reduce relapse risk while waiting for treatment if all that is offered is a referral. Another study found that initiating extended-release naltrexone in opioid-addicted prison inmates reduced their relapse rate compared to brief counseling and referral to community treatment.

In 2016, NIDA also partnered with the Appalachian Regional Commission (ARC) to fund epidemiological research into injection opioid use that could lead to improved interventions in an economically distressed part of the country that has been hit especially hard by the alprazolam drug crisis. NIDA, ARC, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, and the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration offered additional funding to support work with state and local communities in developing best practices for responding to opioid injection epidemics in rural communities.

At the root of the opioid crisis is the overuse of opioids to treat pain. Lessening our use of these drugs comes with an enormous responsibility to find new pain treatments that are effective but pose a lower risk for misuse, addiction, and overdose. Recently NIDA-funded researchers at Wake Forest University reported findings on a novel opioid analgesic, BU08028, that lacked abuse liability in primates—a possible first step toward safer pain medications.

But as part of the goal to improve pain treatment, we also need new, objective ways to assess pain that would enable us to identify subpopulations whose pain has distinct causes. To that end, NIDA has been investing in research to develop new biomarkers, including neuroimaging biomarkers, which could not only improve our ability to diagnose pain, but also clarify the underlying neuropathology. NIDA-funded research at the University of Colorado is working to develop an fMRI-based signature of physical pain, which could potentially help researchers identify novel treatment targets.

In 2016, NIDA also continued to advance basic research on the neurobiological and psychosocial underpinnings of substance use disorders. New technologies enabling researchers to trace relationships between input and output (or TRIO) are giving us greater understanding of reward circuits and how information flows through them. Other recent research has identified competing brain circuits that control the transition between goal-directed and habitual behaviors. A deeper understanding of the brain circuits that mediate addiction-related behaviors is helping researchers to identify new targets for prevention and treatment that address the specific neurobiological drivers of risk for substance use disorders and the loss of control in addiction.

NIDA-funded studies from 2017 also advanced our understanding of the structure of receptors that mediate the rewarding properties of drugs—including the Cannabinoid type 1 (CB1) receptor, the mu opioid receptor, and the alpha 4 and beta 2 nicotinic receptors. This research could provide the foundation for new medications for pain and addiction. Our research is also paving the way toward better understanding of the role played in various brain disorders by epigenetic processes—which produce stable, potentially heritable changes in gene expression without altering the sequence of DNA. For example, NIDA-funded researchers at Harvard Medical School for the first time used PET imaging to characterize an epigenetic marker (histone deacetylase) in the healthy human brain. This will illuminate the role of epigenetics in addiction and recovery, including that of transgenerational inheritance of addiction risk.

New treatments are not limited to traditional pharmacotherapies. NIDA is continuing to fund research on the development of vaccines and other compounds that recruit the body’s own immunologic defenses against drugs, as well as non-drug approaches like transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS), deep-brain stimulation, and neurofeedback. Last year our intramural research program, in collaboration with Italian researchers, reported positive findings that TMS reduced cocaine use and cocaine cravings in patients with cocaine addiction. Follow-up studies will examine the use of this technology in treating pain and addiction to xanax bars and ambien medication. NIDA also continues to fund investigation of existing medications that could be repurposed for addiction treatment—which would shorten the pathway to FDA approval. This includes a clinical trial on lorcaserine, an FDA-approved medication for obesity, for the treatment of cocaine use disorder.

This just scratches the surface of what NIDA has been doing to ensure that science drives the solutions to drug misuse and addiction. In 2017, we will continue our hard work in addressing the methadose 40 epidemic both by developing new pain and addiction treatment strategies and by improving the delivery of evidence-based treatments through implementation science. We will continue to intensively study the consequences of changing marijuana policies around the country to better understand how to minimize the public health consequences of greater marijuana availability. In parallel, we will continue our commitment to basic science research, which gives us the fundamental knowledge with which to develop solutions to address the problems associated with drugs and addiction.

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sunshinetoheroine-blog · 7 years

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Intro

So my user name is sunshine to heroine. It is really about what someone that I love has turned into an addict ; she once was my sunshine and now due to drugs is a different kind of heroine. I am only writing this so that I can get through the day-to-day worries. To raise awareness. To let others know that they are not alone. To maybe save an addict. A lot of people don’t quite realize what it’s like to love somebody that’s a drug addict. Some people just give you that sad “I’m sorry for you” look. And you also get that look of judgement. I should’ve started this along time ago. While back my loved one was in a relationship that was physically and emotionally abusive. After numerous police calls and attempts to save this person from there monster my loved one finally left him for a bigger scarier monster. I think she felt safe with him but didn’t quite realize that there was worse out there. He was a drug dealer. The first night she went out with them I was called to the hospital he had been in a fender bender and taken away for drunk driving and she was found unresponsive in the backseat. We thought maybe she just drink too much we found out later that he must’ve given her heroin to snort and told her it was something else. She was such a free spirit and trusted so many people that I don’t think she even realized that someone would just give her something like that .she was naïve. so she was angry when she woke up at the hospital out of her mind and ran back into the arms of the first scary boyfriend until he beat her a couple more times and she was finally done. The dealer got out of jail and found her and within a month this guy had fooled us into making us believe that she finally found somebody that was kind but behind the scenes he had started shooting her up and using her to be a distraction as he stole high priced items from multiple stores to sell for drugs. As a couple they knew how to tear at your heartstrings and make them feel bad for you we tried to help them but then he found out that they were both on here when when he went to jail and she begged for family members to help her get clean because he had been using her sexually and pimping her out so that he would get his drugs. He would control her he would wait until the drug would wear off and she would beg for it. He would use her and manipulate her . He would control her with her addiction. But of course he got out of jail because our system is horrible and he shot her up again and controlled her for months until he went back to prison but by then she was instructed to make money by doing anything just to send him in prison and she had found a young girl to shoot up with. So once again we thought she was clean but she really was just lying and she was living with an enabler. She started dating this guy …well not really dating but shooting up with.he somehow convinced her to do a bunch of payday loans and go around to all her family friends and borrow money and didn’t take long for us to realize what was going on .she had gotten pissed off at him because he stole something from her and she took off to get some drugs from one of her dealers to help her come off the heroin. I received a call from her high school friend. It was a guy that she had been selling weed to you for drug money and he was concerned because she seemed to be really out of it. He had texted me and told me that she really needed help and asked me to come and get her. She swore that she wanted to get clean and I got some medicine for her and started helping her through the detox process but I woke up to a man getting ready to chew her up and then chased him out of my house . She ran after him I am I thought she was with him until the next morning when I found her balled up in the front seat of my vehicle and when I woke her she was out of her mind and angry . She sure knew how to manipulate her enabler so she received a ride back to her house. She was then missing for a couple days and on her last birthday I was told she might be dead. She finally called and said she was ready to leave town …one of her friends from high school was willing to help her and have her live with him hours away and she was trapped with a drug dealer and the next level up dealer she was going to sneak away the next morning. But before that morning the drug dealer was driving her vehicle and got into a high-speed chase and crashed the car but she was lucky to walk away but her car was destroyed and dealer went to jail. The Next day I took her out of town. Her friend took care of her got a clean she was doing good she was there couple months she had a new job visited she was happy but then the cravings came and he couldn’t control what she did during the day she felt like a mail order bride her words and he was kind of stressed and was drinking too much. One day she got into it with him and asked her friend who she used to shoot up with to come and get her. So she returned to her hometown and started shooting up again. Many weeks went by and she overdosed. She lived we convinced her to go to teen challenge. She lasted two days. It was to Penecostal for her. She got on the Vivitrol shot which is the anti-opiate. She was doing well and then she started trying to save someone that she used to shoot up with. He was doing meth and heroin. So instead of doing here when she was on cocaine or math and when it came time to get her third monthly Vivitrol shot she didn’t. So many crazy things happened after that gave signs that she was not clean. let’s see how she was arrested for unpaid ticket because she was out in the middle of the night and someone that she was with she was giving a ride to had stolen from a store while she was outside. She overdosed at a local hotel but the hospital just released her there wasn’t anything that we can do. And she called A family member and was suicidal really because she had been on meth for days and had not slept. She was violent and angry. The next week she overdosed again. She had shot up at a local bar with her friend and they both knew that she was fading fast. He drove 2 miles and snuck her into her house and went to the front and told her enabler that she needed to check on her where she found her lifeless. Or enabler still didn’t call the ambulance after they woke her up and had her walking. She thought she had taken too many prescription pills cause that’s what they told her. It didn’t take long maybe a couple hours for the drugs that were in her system to take over and her and Enabler found her purple called no pulse not breathing and she loved her so much she called frantic with 911 and the firemen after many minutes brought her back with three Narcan shots. So many loved ones came to the hospital and bagged the social worker to come at her because she had been saying she wanted to die we believe that the drugs were making Her want to die and she was doing the drugs because she wasn’t in her right mind. She was hearing voices that weren’t there and she was super angry with everyone but she agreed to commit herself. She spent a few days in the community mental health and when they released her she agreed to go to rehab. Three it was a joke it lasted four days she wanted to go party with some guy that she had been to rehab and her counselor didn’t oppose the plan. So she stayed a few days with family and a friend from rehab came to visit her she got into an argument with her family and she partied too hard she was then suicidal and she was hospitalized twice that day. The second time she went back to rehab and she was doing well and then the nurse said that she tested positive for opiates and and they kicked her out in the middle of the night she went to this house in the worst area of town in a city she didn’t know and she became scared there . She ended up at a homeless shelter after running for miles. Some homeless guys let her use their phone and hung out with her bc she worried them. She ended up separating from them and was found wandering in a restaurant hearing voices. She had been missing for hours when the hospital called us. After 2 blood tests it was confirmed she had zero opiates in her system… the rehab threw her out and caused the mental breakdown for no reason. This story isn’t caught up yet.

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serein-333 · 7 years

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needing to get this out

Everything about that morning is a blur…I can’t even remember the sequence of events. All I remember is not being able to breathe and my head wanting to explode….the heaving sobs…the feeling of complete and utter despair. I think it was a text from my father first…saying, “call me now”….I knew something was wrong. Just one day earlier we found out he would be coming to our daughter’s wedding! We were so happy. Just a few hours earlier, he was asking what to wear. So, reluctantly…I picked up my cell and pressed send…he answered…choking on tears. I was paralyzed with absolute fear at that point. All he said was Hank….and I knew. I could hear his wife in the background and he handed the phone to her…she told me through tears that my brother was gone…at peace finally…

I couldn’t breathe…I couldn’t catch my breath through the sobs…she kept saying, “I know baby, I know…breathe…just breathe…” I could hear the panic in her voice that I was losing it…and I was. It was unreal…a nightmare that couldn’t possibly be happening. My head was spinning. I felt like vomiting. That was when I had to call my husband…but he didn’t answer at first….he was working. Then, I went on Facebook…I had a message from a friend of the family …asking if I was up…I immediately called our daughter, barely getting the words out and she rushed over to be with me. A few minutes later my husband finally called..or I called him again and he answered…I just don’t remember. He was trying to leave work…he had known for awhile…a couple of hours. The family friend had messaged him. He was trying to get home before I found out so I wasn’t alone. By then, our daughter showed up…it was around 6:30am. I just sobbed in her arms… In the midst of all this, someone told me to call my uncle and I did…and that did not end well…he was devastated and our relationship was strained anyway... He had seen him that night. Then, once he had slept off some of his drunkenness, he called his soon to be ex-wife and she came to pick him up and take him back to his new apartment. I blamed my mother partially…for many reasons. I knew better…it was my brother’s choice to drink and do drugs. He knew after the last time he had OD’d that if he touched the wrong things again that he would die. That is exactly what happened. He drank the wrong thing…then he took the wrong things…and he died…OD’d. This time, I wasn’t there to save him in time…this time his roommates didn’t realize in time. This time….he died.

My mother had been informed by Okeechobee police…my father by Seminole police…and then my dad called me. The only one that did not know at that point was his soon to be ex-wife. I got the lovely job of telling her…over the phone…By then..my husband had come home and our daughter had gone. Telling his wife was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Then, I thought of his boys…they don’t even live with their mother right now. I have no way of seeing them or talking to them…I don’t even have an address or anything for them.

All of this happened just three days before we were to leave for our daughters wedding weekend. I was supposed to be celebrating my baby girl getting married, yet my brother just OD’d and was dead…how could I possibly do it? Yet, I had to…for her. So…I would have to push aside my grief and despair for the next five days. I didn’t know how I would do it, but I had to.

Through all of this…my beloved cat was in the hospital, almost dead. We were hoping against all odds that he would make it…the bills were piling up for him. Luckily, the vet was working with us. I couldn’t lose him too.

In the midst of all of this I couldn’t grab onto anything strongly enough to feel alive, happy, sane…I feel like I just floated through those days leading up to the funeral. My mind trying to focus on our daughter, and all the while…thinking of my brother. How he died alone….in a bathroom…and I couldn’t help him. I had tried for years. I was there in the house the last time he OD’d… the day before my granny died. We were staying with my dad for a few days and spending most of every day at the hospital hospice unit with my granny…she was slipping away. My brother couldn’t handle it. I should have realized what he was doing, but I was so focused on granny I just didn’t. Until that morning when I tried waking him up to go to the hospital. He was barely breathing and had vomited in his sleep…my husband called 911 and they got to him in time, but they still ended up having to bring him back…Narcan…defibrillator…the works. He ended up in a coma for three days…His second day in the coma…granny passed. He never got to say goodbye to her. When he finally woke up he knew she was gone somehow. He was so sick even after they released him he couldn’t come to the funeral. The doctors told him he could never do drugs again. He would die. It took just a couple of months and he was back searching for something to dull his pain. He hid it from me..so did his wife. Afraid to disappoint me. So as always…he told me and everyone what he thought they wanted to hear…he lied. People kept enabling him… Lies and more lies…

Last November, he decided to leave the wife. He came over, went to the Ghost concert with my husband, got on a train the next day and left to Okeechobee to stay with my mother. I knew it was a huge mistake. I tried talking him out of it…but he left anyway. I decided at that point that I needed to distance myself from him. It was hard, but I did it. I couldn’t take the lies and disappointments anymore. It was killing me inside.

Sometime in April he emailed me…wanting to talk. So..after a day of thinking about it, I emailed him. I told him that we could only talk via email for then…but that I loved him and was glad he had gone through rehab again…he had just gotten out…for the twelfth time?? I think that’s about right. See, he had been fighting addiction since he was 18 years old. Every few months after he was around 21, he had been in rehab. Once, he was in rehab for six months, then a halfway house for another six months. We really thought he had it beat…he had us all believing he was clean for 18 months….then granny started getting worse….and that really started to change him. Little did we know, he had been dabbling for months before that. I didn’t suspect a thing…nobody did. Only his wife knew. When I found out, I felt so betrayed…we could have done something!!! But now…he had to OD, I had to find him…because I was there his life was saved…and he threw it all away yet again a few months later. A few weeks after our emails…he was dead. He had promised me he was doing good..wanted to be the father his boys needed. I believed him, yet again.

I don’t know how to let go of this anger I have. I am so angry with him. I know addiction is a terrible thing…and sometimes the addict can’t beat it…and eventually they die. My brother cheated death too many times….and he knew what would happen…but he still did it. Why? Why didn’t he think about any of us? His boys…me, mom, dad….the wife he supposedly still loved and wanted back. Why? I just want to know why!

The morning of the funeral, I had to take a Xanax. There was no way I could function without it. Luckily…I didn’t inherit the addiction gene that seems to run in my family…we were running late too. When I pulled into the church parking lot, and saw the cars from the funeral home and all the friends and family I froze. I parked and froze. I started crying immediately. I just kept repeating , “I don’t wanna go in, I don’t wanna be here, I don’t wanna do this”… but my husband got me out of the car and got our son out of the car. I barely remember. I remember our son was late for his medicine so we had to find a spoon so my husband could give it to him quickly. I saw my brothers wife and we started walking in, all together. I quickly found my friend, the pastors wife, and asked if she could find us a spoon so she did. I could see my brother in the casket at the front. They were playing his music…he was a very talented singer and had recorded and toured with some great musicians. They had a huge video screen with a slideshow of photos playing also….and I wanted to just turn around and leave. I saw my mother in the front row…the first time I had seen her in a year. I started to walk the aisle…my husband tending to our son. My sister in law next to me…and halfway down the aisle I started to see him better and I just collapsed…my knees giving out and I started sobbing. My sister in law and my father caught me somehow and sat me down. Paramedics on hand brought me water and made sure I was okay. I couldn’t breathe again. Then, I heard my mother’s voice and my uncle’s voice and a family friend’s voice trying to calm me down. I managed to get up and walk to the front pew. I wanted my husband, but he was finishing up with our son. So, I sat between my sister in law and finally…our son came over and sat next to me…holding my hand and telling me it would be okay…that Hank was sleeping…like granny. He may be autistic, but he understands so much more than anyone knows. I could feel my husbands hand on my shoulder behind me. I couldn’t stop crying though…my brother looked just like always…the music still playing…hearing him singing…and I just wanted them to stop it. It was killing me listening to it. It hurt my heart.

I had taken two flowers from our daughter’s wedding to put in the casket with him, so I got up and did that. His wife slipped a ring on his finger also. As the pastor spoke, I got angrier….all the kept mentioning was his singing and the fact that he was a Seminole Tribal member…and his dad and cousins…no mention of my mother…HIS mother too…OUR mother…no mention of his wife or of me or of his boys left without their father. I was angry. Pissed off. Once he stopped talking and praying, I got up and asked to speak…I honestly do not know how I did it, but I walked to the podium and spoke…I spoke about the fact he was the best brother in the world, and how he loved his boys and his mother. The things that had been left out completely. I am still angry.

It has been three weeks since he died…it isn’t any easier. I don’t feel any better or any more at peace because he is not suffering anymore. I am tired of hearing how he and granny are together and at peace. Fuck that! I want them both back….they were stolen from us. Plain and simple….stolen. One from Alzheimer’s and one from drugs. Its not fair…its not right…and I cannot accept that my brother only had 35 years on this earth…only 9 years with his oldest son and 8 with his youngest. I cannot accept that he will never see them grow up. I cannot accept that it will be near impossible for us to see them now…his wifes family hated him…my mom and dad hate her…I am stuck in the middle. Those boys deserve to know their dad did love them and we deserve to be in their lives. I am afraid its not going to happen that way… and it makes me even angrier.

Don’t tell me about God or him being at peace. Don’t tell me God has a plan….I’ll never believe it. I haven’t since I was 20 years old. Nothing can prove to me it’s true. Not now especially. Fuck that….

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