#no wonder Cartman calls them gaywads | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jewpacabruhs · 5 years

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for your prompt thing,,, “are you fucking insane” for kyman? thx :)

Kyle’s come to expect a lot of bizarre things happening randomly and inexplicably, that’s just part of the South Park experience, but Cartman climbing through his window in broad daylight is not one of them.

“What the fuck,” Kyle says, sitting up quickly so the textbook he’d had in his lap tumbles down onto the bed, falling onto his papers and probably bending them - of course, he’s a little too distracted to care. “Cartman, what the fuck!”

Cartman stops, red handed, one leg over the stoop, the other still out. Kyle was aware of Cartman’s tendency to creep into his room at night, and he’d taken to locking the window before going to sleep in order to keep him out, but never before has he had to worry about Cartman dropping by at 3:24pm on a sunny April day, while it was wide open to let the breeze in as he did his homework.

“Hey,” Cartman says simply.

He bends over to set something on the floor, a little black box like one a newly purchased ring would be in, and Kyle has a moment of panic: is he proposing? Oh my God, he’s proposing, what the fuck, we’re seventeen-

Cartman straightens up again, says, “Au revior, Kahl,” and then spreads his arms and drops backwards out the window.

“Are you fucking insane?” Kyle shrieks, voice reaching an octave he hasn’t hit since before puberty. He rushes over to the window, heart pounding because Cartman’s a fucking idiot, but he’s not usually stupid enough to make Kyle have to actively worry about his safety and well-being. Kyle did not sign up for this when they started dating.

On the ground, Cartman’s laying flat on an inflatable bed manned by a grinning Kenny and a concerned Stan, and behind him, in big blocky letters that appear to be made out of cut up red and white KFC buckets glued together, it says: “Go to prom with me or no head!”

Kyle flushes bright red - he’s flattered and impressed, but his pride comes first. “Cartman, what the fuck? Put that last part away before my mom sees!”

“Quit bein’ a tight ass and open the fucking box!” Cartman yells, and Kyle glares at him, but dutifully bends to pick it up. He gingerly opens it, revealing a small silver-plated ring. It’s plain and simple, no glamour or decoration, other than a wavy groove going down the center of it, all the way around.

“Look at the inscription, babe,” Cartman calls, and he’s smiling, more genuinely than most people could expect from him - but Kyle’s seen this side of him several times, now that they’ve dated for a while, and it never fails to make him realize that he’s definitely very much in love with the asshole.

He pulls the ring out and looks down at the inscription, feeling his heart swell with something sappy and warm, and reads it.

“ur gay lol” it says, all lowercase, in neat cursive.

Kyle wants to be annoyed, even mad, but somehow, he’s laughing and smiling at the absurdity. Such an elegant grand gesture, but still with a pinch of immaturity; exactly what he’s come to expect from Cartman. Unfortunately, he’s whipped enough that he thinks it’s endearing - most of the time, anyway. “No, you’re gay, and an idiot, too,” he calls down, because he’s kind of at a loss for words.

“Yes, I’m both, and that’s why I’m so powerful,” Cartman says. He flips Kyle off, and at first Kyle’s about to shoot him the bird back, when he sees that he, too, is wearing a ring; his, of course, is encrusted with some kind of gemstones. It’s hard to see from this high, but they look green. “I absolutely got this for myself and then decided I should get you something to match, but ay - best you’re gonna get. So how about that prom?”

Kyle decides he can be just as dramatic; he puts the ring back inside the box and sets it on his desk, then disappears for a minute, going over to his abandoned homework and ripping a blank page from his notebook. He writes “yes” on it in huge, scrawling handwriting, then returns to the window. “Throw me a rock,” he orders the guys. “Like, a big-ish one.”

Cartman turns to Stan. “You heard the man! Get him a rock!”

Stan frowns up at Kyle, but dutifully goes to get a decently size rock from the yard.

“Hit him and I’ll feed you your parents,” Cartman tells him.

“Randy would taste stale,” Kenny comments.

Stan eyes Cartman, a bit fearfully, before tossing the rock up at Kyle. It doesn’t get enough air, and falls down uselessly two feet to his left.

“You throw like a girl,” Cartman says. “Gaywad.”

“I don’t wanna hit him or the house,” Stan retorts. He tries again, a little harder, and Kyle catches it easily. He wraps his response around the rock, tapes it quickly, then chucks it as hard as he can at Cartman’s head.

Cartman shouts and jumps out of the way as it hits the ground with a hard smack! “Ay! Stoning gays isn’t allowed anymore, asshole!” But he bends to pick it up anyway, and smiles down at it.

“You guys are fucking weird,” Kenny says, from where he’s standing a few feet away, hands in his pockets. “Your wedding is gonna be, like, you two sword fighting to the death or some shit.”

“What’ll the bachelor parties be like?” Stan muses.

“Oh, fuck the bachelor parties; imagine what the sex is like,” Kenny says happily, like the wonderful perv he is. “Royal rumble, I bet.”

Stan makes a face and says, “Gross, dude,” but Cartman and Kyle barely notice their friends’ banter, too busy with each other.

“Clean that mess up before it blows away, and then get the hell up here and kiss me, you asshole,” Kyle tells Cartman.

“Okay!” Cartman exclaims. “Clean up, guys,” he tells Stan and Kenny, before going over to the tree near Kyle’s window and ascending it with record speed.

“I have a perverted comment to make, but I will spare you,” Kenny tells Stan, watching Cartman literally fall through the window to get to Kyle. “Man, isn’t love wonderful? I just got the urge to fall in love. You free Saturday, Marsh?”

Stan flushes and starts picking up the crudely-made KFC letters. “I can clear my schedule.”

Kenny smiles at him. “Love is in the air!” He pulls a small box of condoms out of his pocket and chucks it through the window. “They’re ribbed!” he yells. “You’re welcome!”

The Broflovskis’ car is in the driveway. “You and Cartman really underestimate Sheila’s wrath,” Stan mumbles. “If she sees or hears any of this-”

“What’s she gonna do, kill me?” Kenny picks up an O off the ground and peers at Stan through the hole. “Who are you going to prom with?”

“We can talk about that on Saturday.” Stan’s holding a stack of the letters; on the ground remains ‘th me or no head’. “Hey Cartman!” he shouts. “Should I throw these away?”

For a moment there’s no answer, and then Cartman yells, “My mouth’s full! Do whatever!”

Kenny starts laughing hysterically, and Stan makes a face, but then he’s laughing, too, at the sheer absurdity of this whole day. It’s been crazy and weird, but he wouldn’t have it any other way.

#luvlyratz #kyman #my writing #answered #stenny #too #thanks :-)#weird ending i didnt kno how to wrap it up fhdkjhd

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multimusesblog · 6 years

Text

Eric Cartman Age 15, Wendy Testaburger Age 15

Wendy tried to ignore the sound of her phone ringing, covering herself up further in her sheets. She had a feeling she knew who was calling her. Eric Cartman. The boy had been relentlessly doing this for the past few months, calling her just so he could mock her. Did he think it was amusing? Of course he did, but she did not. Sadly as soon as the ringing stopped it started up again. Breathing out a sigh of exasperation, she grabbed her phone and answered it. "What, Eric?" She said.

Cartman had been waiting for the longest time for Wendy to pick up her phone. The longer the dial tone played, the more annoyed he got. "Come on ho, pick up already." He said under his breath. Once the dial tone stopped he decided to try and call her again. Upon hearing her voice this time, he said "Finally. Took you long enough to answer."

Wendy rolled her eyes at the audacity of Cartman's statement. He had some nerve, if anything she should be the one catching an attitude. "Just tell me what you want, Eric." She said plainly.

"Well it's not whatever you seem to think I want so get your panties out of that bunch." He said. Geez, was Wendy always this annoying? Oh wait, yes she was. "I just wanted to know what you wanted for your birthday. It's coming up, isn't it?"

Her birthday? Well that was a surprise. She hadn't expected Cartman of all people to care. "Yes, it is. But why would you care?" She asked suspiciously. "You think people should get you gifts even on other people's birthdays, so why?"

Was everything 20 Questions with this bitch? He let out an annoyed groan, rolling his eyes at her inquisition. "Because. Your faggy Jew boyfriend and gaywad hippie second boyfriend insist that I pitch in with them and Kenny and try to get you something you fucking polygamous skank." He told her flatly. "Now either answer my question or fuck off."

Oh. Stan and Kyle put him up to it. Well that made more sense. "What do I want?" Wendy repeated, giving it some thought. "Well I would be happy if someone got me that new Wonder Woman comic." She told him.

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