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thedappleddragon · 4 years

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Day 88 (Monday June 8)

i woke up from a crazy dream where my siblings ad i were traveling by car in some magic world and i was katara. i dont remember much, but i tried to press an entire treebranch like you would flowers between the pages of a book while the city law enforcement was chasing after us. at one point we walked in on a presentation and when they told me to get off stage i asked if ic ould please speak for a moment. they told me no, so i asked pretty please. i think that was a re-occurring part of the dream.

i dont really rmember the specific order of what i did today, but here we go. i spent some time outside today with my cat and ate a sandwich, but it was so unbearably sunny that we went inside. i later came back outside in the evening at like 8 pm when it was cooler and shadier and i brought a spray botttle with a little fan on the top. i sat on a towel in the grass and kept an eye on my cat and watched tiktoks until my phone died, so i switched to playing with the grass and making grass chains that kept falling apart. i spent so much time outside that my mom got mad at me for not responding to her calling for my help inside. at some point i could hear the neighbor kids playing hide and seek in their backyard. im always afraid that they think i’m spying on them, since i face their house because thats the side of the yard my cat likes to hang out in. thankfully theres a big minibarn in the way, so if im sitting in the grass i cant see any of their backyard.

i was hungry and wanted potato slices, and then i remembered that we owned an apple peeler/slicer/corer combo thing and i thought it would be cool to try using that instead of cutting the slices by hand. the peeler part had too strong a spring, so it dug into the potato so i just moved it back lol. it worked really well other than that. i sliced it, put it in a pan with some oil, and then tried cutting up an apple with the thing, but the spikes that hold it in place just bore a hole into the center instead of pushing it into the blade, so i just cut it buy hand perpendicular to how you normally cut apples. i thought it would be a fun idea to try and bake one of the slices, so i put it in a pan with a little pad of butter longside the potato in the oven, flipping both ever so often while watching youtube in the kithen. i added a little brown sugar to the apple slice. the potatoe turned out good, its hard to mess up lol. but the apple tasted like ass. the butter i used was salted, and the apple was sweet instead of tart, so i just threw it away. im glad i only used one of the slices instead of like 3 like i had origionally planned. i think if i used unsalted butter and a granny smith it would turn out ok, but i dont think im going to try it again lol.

i took a couple driving practice tests in the morning, but i got frustrated that i didnt know stuff and gave up. i promised myself that i would try again later today, but i kept procrastinating whoops. its 2 am but i might give it a shot. i have to practice a lot tomorrow, because if i dont pass i probably wont get to take it again for like a month because all the bmvs are so busy and only taking appointments.

i was scrollling through tiktok and found an audio i thought was funny and would fit one of my ocs so i did a really rough sketch animatic that i’ll eventually clean up. i would add it to the post but im on my laptop right now because my phone died and my sister borrowed my charger :/ i’ll add it in the morning if i remember. yall are going to make fun of my for having a teeth kink or something tho because thats the only part of the sketches i put any effort into (pensive face emoji 😔) (idk if that worked i just copid and pasted it lmao)

i dont acually know much about my friend’s oc (Osimiri/Osi) that i’m shipping with my oc (Valka) other than she’s kinda grumpy so i scrolled back through our texts to see if she gave me a ref or any character description and i found a bunch of her cute art of GillFauns (thats thier ship name because Osi is a siren (gill) and valka is a goatfolk/tirfling so she has hooves (faun (even tho she’sa goat not a deer shhh))) and now im re-obsessed with them omg <3 and i also realized that i have no idea if i’m drawing her correctly/ how my friend intended her to be interprited. our art styles are SO different, and with hers i have to just guesstimate what she means with her character designs. (tbh she’s not that good at art but i still love her drawings because she’s so passionate about it and i love some of her ocs) but because of a combo of her art not being that detailed and me just drawing from memebery and not knowing the character that well, i have no idea if i’m taking too many liberties and stealing the character away from her. although on the other hand she doesnt really actively use that oc. she was meant to be a dnd oc, but idk if she ever actually went to ANY of the meetings. if she did, it was before marching band ended and i was able to join dnd club.

anyway sorry this post is so long, i fing it easier to ramble and get my thoughts down when im on a keyboard than on my phone typng is much faster and a lot of fun so i always type more lol. but uhhhh its 2 am and i want to take a driver’s test or two before i go to bed, and get to sleep at a decent-ish time.

#thanks for coming to my ted talk #corona diary #im thinking about where that anon is again

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thisguywrote · 7 years

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First post to this blog

Ok, so I am going to try thing blogging thing. Just kind off put what is in my mind onto here. So lets begin I guess.

*sigh*. What to write. What to write. bla bla. Talk about my personal life? Stuff that is going on, or has been going on? I certainly have stuff to say about that. Well I guess I could start with a simple introduction I guess.

Here we go.

I am a 30 year old male, I spent almost all of my twenties taking care of my parents. My father had cancer that would go in and out of remission. Just when you thought it was over it would come back to only go away again. I became pretty numb from this. The last time his cancer came back it was worse than ever, he lost the use of his right arm, and due to his lymph nodes being removed fluid would build up in in it making it swell and causing him pain. He did put on some kind off device that would help push the fluids back up. he kept saying this was due to all the chemo, that it wasnt the cancer. And I believed him. I though “Yeah, this is just a side effect from all the chemo. It isnt cancer. No. The cancer is gone, he will be fine. Yeah, he is fine.” Well it was the cancer, he knew that but didnt want me to know about it.

It became true to me when I saw the sores on his back. Well, sores is an understatement. The cancer was literally eating the flesh on his back. I remember the feeling I had when seeing that. See before I would try to shove things into the back of my mind, get them put away. I always felt that I was manually putting them away. This though, this was when I felt it no longer in my control. It remember trying to hold onto the thought, but it was like it slipped away and then I forgot what I felt. I think this was when I finally broke. When I went over the edge. My denial had gone in full steam.

I wish I could say this was the last or the worst of it, that it got better after that. That even though he died later, I began to heal. I cant say that because it isnt true.

A week or two before my father passed away my mother held a gun to me. Came up behind me, breathing heavily. I turned around and I saw her holding a gun. Her eyes showed that she wasnt there. I was already not doing well, but this, I think this shattered my mind. Not brake it, my mind was broken from seeing my father’s sores on his back. No, this completely shattered it. Thankfully the gun wasn’t loaded, but it doeant make it any better. Later that day found out from my father telling me that she walked towards the bathroom with a knife while I was taking a shower but stopped when my dad saw her. I tell myself I understand why she did this, she had a mental break down because my father would not go to a hospital for care and he convinced her to stop taking her anti depressants. I get the reasoning behind the events. I get the mechanics of it. The whys the hows. How I feel about it? empty. it is like a bad dream. maybe terrified, but even that fear is just a faint whisper. I just feel completely empty from it. Like it was too much that I cant feel it. Havent been able to really feel ever since. There have been some feelings after time passed, but its always been hallow. Faint whispers at most. They dont feel like my own. They feel alien and far away.

Now this isn’t where things end and my new life begins a new. I mean I tried to get better. But it always felt like sleep walking. So my mother had to spend about a month in a mental hospital a state away, and then she was released. She was better, kind of. After a couple of years we moved. This was really hard on me. The house I grew up in, gone. Really didn’t help that my mother was all “I dont understand why you miss that place” I grew up there. It was my home. And I felt like it was taken away from me, like so many other things recently.

Speaking of her saying “I dont understand” she said that she felt that because the gun wasn’t loaded that it shouldnt be that big of an issue. WHAT? Fine, you are in some denial too, but still. Ugh. Hurts a lot to hear that.

Well, our new place we live in, I hate it. But we got it for a decent price and its something. Still, never felt like home there. Lived in an area where there were only much older people. I spent most of my time locked away because reality it was too much. I lost my father, my home I grew up in, and the person I was living with held a gun to me and doesnt understand why that is an issue. I say person because ever since then it was like she was no longer my mother, just some person. I felt nothing.

A year later my grandfather passes away, grandfather that helped raise me as a child. Someone I looked up to. But my feeling wasnt sadness. It was just “what ever, I am used to this now I guess” just empty. Lifeless.

I started to get better sometime later. Went back to college. I say better as in I was doing thing. How I felt inside, still empty. It was a feeling of just waiting to die but might as well do something just in case I wake up from this nightmare. Have a career. The thought had no feeling behind it, just seemed to make sense.

After about a year of college my mother has a mental breakdown. Was nearing the 4 year anniversary of my father’s death and she has lost her medication. This brings back old terrors that I promptly shut away. I mainly felt like “maybe she will get the job done this time” partly from a way to distance myself from the fear and partly from some hope of ending this nightmare.

She is taken to a mental hospital for about a month. She isnt well, and she doesn’t really get better. She has a personality change and they let her out. She isnt the same. I just push everything away, just sleepwalk. A month later I wake up and see her in her bed. She looks like she is sleeping. I check up on her an hour later and I notice my cat is looking at her strangely. I get a better look and see her face is turning blue. She isnt breathing. I immediately call 911 and preform cpr. She is taken to the hospital but there is nothing they can do. It is likely she overdosed on medication. Unsure if it was on purpose or accidental. Wouldnt be the first time for either of those.

Its been a year since this has happened. Little over a year. I have my own place, but I feel dead inside. I feel like I am just waiting for death. I am trying to improve but....I have no feeling behind it. I feel empty.

The best way I can describe it is imagine one of those really bad nightmares. The ones where everything is wrong. Everything just feels horrible, and then you wake up. Now imagine that nightmare is what you wake up to day after day after day. It has been compounded by other nightmares so much that you dont feel anything.

Pretty much how I feel. I have been living in a nightmare for a long time and I still am inside it. I have yet to escape. Yet to wake up. Will things get better? Dont know. Do I care if they do? Not really.

What keeps me from taking a bunch of pills is partly due to just sleepwalking through this. But a bigger part is that I fear what is on the other side. I am terrified by it. I just see a black void, or a nightmarish hell that makes this one seem like a fun ride. Or having to relive my worst memories in a hellish acid trip afterlife over and over and over.

Dont know what else to say right now. I’ll see how this blog things goes.

Later.

#Welcome to my mind #death #grief #blog #don't care #life #vent #off my chest #pain

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