#poor fig newton lmao

[volturialice]

mike newton: hey, bella! wanna go to the dance with me?

bella:

#twilight #twilight renaissance #mike newton #bella swan #poor fig newton lmao

[eldritchsurveys]

838.

All About the Letter F

Please List! (at least one)

Animals I Like: >> Fennec foxes, regular foxes, ferrets, flying squirrels.

Foods I Like: >> Feta cheese, french fries, falafel, fried green tomatoes, fish.

I Know Someone Who’s (jobs): >> ---

I Wouldn’t Mind Visiting: >> Finland, Faroe Islands, France (just probably not Paris), Florida.

Sometimes I Feel: >> Frustrated, fearful, fixated, full of shit (lmao)

Music I Listen To: >> Faith No More, Fall Out Boy, Fear Factory, Fever Ray, Fields of the Nephilim, Fleshgod Apocalypse, Florence + the Machine, Foo Fighters, Four Tops, Fuel.

Movies I’ve Seen: >> Movies I’ve enjoyed that start with F include Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, First Reformed, Frailty, Free State of Jones, Funny Games, and of course The Fountain.

Names I Like: >> ---

Some of your “firsts”: >> My first what?

And now, onto the random questions!

Do you have loud farts or are they silent but deadly? >> They’re not usually loud, but they’re not always stinky either (so “silent but deadly” doesn’t exactly apply most of the time).

How many friends do you have? >> I have no idea.

Have you ever had a pet fish? >> No.

Have you made/worn friendship bracelets? >> I’ve probably made them in a craft group or class or whatever.

Do you enjoy Fig Newtons? >> The only time I remember having them is as a child, and I don’t think I liked them back then. Don’t know if I’d like them now, don’t even remember what they tasted like.

Do you wear things with floral patterns on them? >> Not usually.

What’s your favorite flower? >> Sunflowers.

How about your favorite fruit? >> Hmm... I like berries, and kiwi, and apples, and plums, and nectarines... clementines... a lot of fruit, I guess. I just don’t usually eat fruit because I have this weird but paralysing anxiety about biting into a fruit and it being rotted or full of bugs inside.

Are you more fearful or fearless? >> I don’t know. I have a lot more anxieties than I used to (hello, cPTSD!), but I don’t care to characterise myself as particularly fearful. Being anxious about things pisses me the fuck off, I don’t want to claim it as a personality trait.

What’s your favorite flavor of fudge? >> I don’t eat fudge.

Aren’t flies annoying? >> Absolutely.

Have you ever flown in an airplane before? >> Yes.

Do you wish that you could fly? >> Nah.

Do you play with fire? >> Eh, I’ve played around with candle flames and stuff, but it’s not a habit.

Have you been in many fights? >> I’ve been in quite a few. Unfortunately.

What does your flag look like? >> Oh, you know.

Do you floss regularly? >> No.

Have you ever fractured a part of your body? >> No.

Do you listen to Five Finger Death Punch? >> I’ve heard them before and I’m not really interested in their stuff.

Do you like going to fairs? >> I can’t even remember the last time I was at a fair. I’d probably have a good time at one. Unless it was really crowded and loud, I guess...

Would you consider a job in forestry? >> No.

Do you cover your leftovers in foil? >> Well, we cover them, in general. Most of the time we use plastic containers with lids, so no foil needed.

Does it get foggy often where you live? >> Not often, but it’s so nice when it does happen.

How often do you feel foolish? >> Pretty often.

Have you ever thrown a coin into a fountain and made a wish? >> Nope. I did know someone who would fish coins out of fountains, though. It’s one of those behaviours that seems “wrong” at first blush because of social convention, but then I think about it and I’m like “well, it is money, might as well use it instead of letting it fucking sit in water...” Then again, I am also chronically poor, so, you know.

Do you go on Fmylife.com? >> No.

Would you rather visit Florence or France? >> Well, like. One’s a city and one’s a country, so that seems like an uneven comparison. I’d like to visit some parts of France and I’d like to visit Florence.

Have you ever used a fly swatter? >> No, but I’d like to one day. I only recently was informed about why they work better than other methods of trying to hit flies, and now I want to see it for myself.

How big are your feet? >> Not big.

Do you have filthy thoughts? >> Sure.

Have you ever flashed someone before? >> Yeah.

Can you do any flips? >> Nope. I can do a cartwheel, though.

Flobots or Florence and the Machine? >> Florence + the Machine.

[a-zebra-is-a-striped-horse]

#surveys #survey #themed survey

[volturialice]

Spork Haven chapter 11 - fucking oracle-like insight

welcome to spork haven, where I spork the EL James fic you’ve never heard of

previous chapter | next chapter | contents

previously on Spork Haven:

actor!Edward and hotel maid!Bella ate chips fries! Edward refused a turn down service! Bella called Emmett! Hi Emmett!

in chapter 11, Edward wakes up at 5 am and gets a ride to work. erika drops this bombshell:

first Emmett and now Fig Newton?? hell yeah

then he arrives at work and we find out that the “sweet little PA” he’s mentioned a few times before (the one responsible for buying Bella flowers) is in fact

it’s Eric!! the bois are all here!!

Edward delivers a charmingly punctuated aside:  “the wonderful thing about what I do – is that I can behave like a complete arsehole... and get away with it”

and then orders this sweet little gentleman to go out and buy the fanciest, most expensive cello he can find.

Edward is zonked out all day at work due to daydreaming about Bella, but it still goes ok because Tanya isn’t there. He heads back to the hotel and decides to do laundry (”I never do this”) by which he means “send my laundry to someone else to do.” he congratulates himself extensively for making a pile of clothes and handing them off. what a truly competent 21st century man

Bella shows up, Edward gives her the cello Eric bought, and she's so excited that she starts playing right away, causing Edward to wonder if he can get her to play it naked.

luckily for him, playing the cello makes her horny and she tackles him to the floor, where they have sex and both—both—come in about ten seconds. ok then erika

cut to a few minutes later when

which. not to knock ravioli but just try to imagine eating it in bed for a second. really think about that. think about the logistics of being in a luxury hotel bed...feeding ravioli to another person. 

also, isn’t Ravioli Cullen their child?? stop eating Ravioli! Let her date adult werewolves in peace!

just then, there’s a knock at the door and it’s—oh no—Tanya! she yells that she knows Edward is in there, so he opens the door.

"foolish twat, cullen” should be the tagline of this story.

anyway Tanya is upset because she saw 

don’t you just hate it when they snap pictures of you and Shit Bella? poor Shit Bella she’s in the witness protection program why can’t they respect Shit Bella’s privacy

so Tanya demands to know who this mysterious slut is, telling Edward “you are supposed to be dating me” and reminding him of when they “made love the other day.” Edward tells her that that wasn’t making love. He’s implied to mean that it was just dirty fucking, but this is a rare instance of erika being right for the wrong reasons because it was in fact sexual assault. 

then Tanya, in a “sudden rare moment of fucking oracle-like insight,”

(uh excuse you erika first of all that’s alice’s thing so jot that down)

realizes the mysterious slut whomst Edward is schtupping must be in the next room. Edward tries to block her from entering, but Bella surprises everyone by emerging from the bedroom to rub herself all over Edward and mark her territory.

Tanya storms out in a huff, but not before seeming to recognize Bella “from somewhere.” Bella sure sucks at being in witness protection.

after Tanya leaves, Bella, having overheard their conversation, asks Edward if he’s slept with Tanya, to which he replies:

ok then Ed.

Bella pretends to be mad about this, and questions whether what she herself and Edward are doing is “just fucking.” but she’s just kidding, she’s actually having a great time fucking Edward and enjoyed winding him up and making him think she was upset and going to leave.

Edward, realizing he’s been had, says this exquisitely crafted line:

he starts tickling her, sucks on her earrings again, and then they presumably bang but it’s (thank god) another Fade to Black.

then it’s late so Bella has to make another phone call. this time she calls Jasper!

I really wanna be excited about this the way I’m excited about Emmett, Mike, and Eric, but I can’t because I’ve been spoiled for the fact that Jasper is going to be The Hypotenuse™ of an edward/bella/jasper love triangle. 

anyway Jasper seems to be another witness protection bodyguard, because Bella tells him where she is, much like a teen asking their parent if they can sleep over at Becky’s. then she hangs up and goes to piss in Edward’s bathroom.

Edward turns on the news and is dismayed to see that they’re showing the grainy paparazzi pics of him with Bella and speculating about the demise of everyone’s fave RPF ship, “Tanward.” 

Bella and Edward are both nervous about the pictures, but he reassures her that she’s not recognizable in them and she reassures him that she won’t leave him just because he’s famous. lmao what a fucking dumb hoe you’re supposed to be in hiding idiot

the chapter ends with Ed complaining about fame once again and then another fade to black.

best “fucks”

“no fucking preliminaries”

“I fucking blush”

“slow fucking speed limits”

“my secret fucking fear” (that he’s too famous)

“on fucking tenterhooks” (edward)

“a bit fucking rank” (edward’s dirty clothes)

“so fucking pleased with myself” (ed making someone do his laundry)

best “shits”

next chapter: the fucking rumba

#spork haven #twilight fanfiction #food // #assault mention //